MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Christian by Lies w/ Caleb Hearon

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

This week Sydnee and Marie bring Caleb Hearon, whose MESS is moms on social media, and their hilarious antics.    Don’t forget to write in your messy stories at [e-mail], or call in at [phone] to have your MESSages read live on air! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

oh you're listening to mess we have such a star in the building we just got to start up top with him up top everybody give your hand clap your hands for our amazing yes Caleb Aaron one of the stars of the movie sweethearts on Netflix yes welcome to mess man this is it's gonna be a wild ride I hope you're in for I'm ready I'm excited to be here marie i'll probably go first with my mess because it's always something right apple apple i have a real beef apple is mess um i keep losing my airpods so it's something wrong with the pods it's not me yeah um last year around this time uh lost my whole pod house i had the pods but the house was stolen the house the case yeah but i'm calling the house yes the pod home

And then this year, I was in an Uber. The whole house falls out with the pods. Call the Uber driver. He has the pods. He says, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm going to come back. I go downstairs. I wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He never comes.

Then an hour later, I see my pods are in Newark, New Jersey. I said, oh, he had a drop off at the airport. Now, who was going to Newark at 2 p.m. during the day? Somebody with a flight that's trying to save $16. Yes. Okay, Marie. Not from Brooklyn Girl

People fly out of Newark Every day I don't know why I'd pay three million dollars To fly not out of Newark Right I would do anything To avoid it

Right I'll fly the plane I'll fly the plane Get me in there For free I'll hand out drinks to people Girl Don't get me started

On what's happened With the airlines Yeah It's not good Speaking of mess No one wants to do Customer service anymore No one wants to do their job

It's crazy Well have you met customers They trash Not me I'm a delight And I'm not getting A lot of help from the people at the places now how tall are you six two okay but you got it you come up you

come in with your six two energy okay six two and single and my bills are paid yeah and yours could be two if you just want to act right yeah yeah six two i just got an apartment i'm in six two six three in a chunky asic oh a chunky asic give me a call how tall in a dock in a dock so it Depends on the doc. I got some new Doc Martens, actually. And the other day, Doc Martens sent me some shoes. Thank you, Doc Martens. I knew.

I was like, the way he sets this up is giving ads. Thank you, Doc Martens. I love you. Send me. Keep sending those shoes, baby. They know. Because all my fans are lesbians. So they know to give me the shoes.

Well, I'm a lesbian. So I deserve. Doc, I'm here. Doc, send her some shoes. What do you love, Doc? I've been saying. Send her some shoes. But I was trying to put them on.

And they're the boots with no zipper or anything. I'm pulled a muscle in my arm. because it was so hard to get my big ass foot in there. I don't like the boots with the zipper. Well, they're not as cute, but they're easier. I know, but I'd rather them be cute. I'm not here for a tie-up, though. They're the straight-on pull-up, and they're big.

Look at this. I got these because the ribbons, the laces are ribbons. They don't stay tied. Can you see it above the orchid? Shout out to the interior designers. It's getting in there. Yeah, and there's no zipper. Shout out, Doc Martens.

Yeah, for real. Thank you for sending me these, Dab. Shout out, Doc Martens. I need another pair. They send you these for free? Yes. Now that's beautiful. Now, is Timberland watching?

Because I also want some platform Tims. What's my camera? Timberland, this will be you. Tim. Hit them up. Hey, Timberland. Yes. If you're looking for a mean girl on the go.

Now, that's the real secret about both of you is you guys are actually sweethearts. I try most of the time. You are. But people push you to the limits. I think that's what it is. I think behind every person who used to be nice is a whole bunch of people who made them a terrible person. What's that quote? There's a famous quote like this.

Is it good girl gone bad? Once a good girl gone bad, she's gone forever. I believe a poet named Jay-Z said that. No, it's like behind every cynic is a disappointed idealist. And I have seen, I see when your sweetness gets turned on its head. We went to meet you and Lisa the other night over the cake. Yes. Y'all were arguing over the cake.

Well, because of Lisa. You know what? Elisa Trager, we love her down. But when she just wants to say something, she'll say it to you no matter how what it sounds like. And then I'll be like, did you just hear what you just said to me? Yeah, what'd she say that got you going? I forgot, but I was like, we was about to fight. I was about to knock her upside her head.

I'm sitting across the table from these two. They're having a full-on argument over cake. And I'm just watching. What was the cake fight? I can't remember. But that's the thing is that I don't hold a grudge. I'm fully like, once it happens, I let it go. We go for it.

And then I move on. Yeah. And it really does, it cracks me up to watch. I like Lisa asking people questions Inappropriately I saw her do it last night and I clapped Last night what'd she do? I was with her

We were at New York Comedy Club And Marcello was there He walks in and she goes Can I ask you an inappropriate question? And I was like Ears up and on Scarf off I threw my airpod across the bar

Can I ask you an inappropriate question? She was like Did you hook up with Sabrina What's-Her-Face? The story is that he hooked up with Sabrina Carpenter. Okay. Why would you tell her that? And by the way, you can cut this if you need to, but what did he say? He said no.

And I said, you said no too fast. Why would he tell her? Lisa, who runs her mouth for a living? That's not the person you want to tell. Oh, my God. Wait, but I wanted to tell my next part of my mess. My AirPods are gone, right? Then my friend lets me borrow hers.

oh then these break no yes now i can't i can't tell you if these are the like if she really got them from apple or if they you know from the bodega but broken look at that you sat on them you did that no no literally in my show me show me those yeah these are not from apple yeah this is i'm gonna tell you right now these are not from apple can we can we zoom in on how not from apple these are wait so they don't look like they're from apple girl baby girl this this that's like skull candy that's like discount from walmart she got those from dollar tree i think you think okay or amazon at least it's not you know what when it connects it says beats x so maybe you're right maybe you're right if those are beats i'm a unicorn i'm telling you right now so that's my

mask well now i don't have any now i have to listen to the sounds of um tragedy in new york city and i'm going off the rails right now what tragedy you said new york is a mecca for all those And the truth comes out I hate when you throw things back at me And the truth comes out My memory is bad But when it comes to something like And the truth comes out

Give me my broken Beats Beats X What would be a housewarming gift for you? Do you want me to get you a nice pair of headphones? Is that a housewarming gift? No That's not for the house That's not for the house

If anything we need a speaker for the house Yeah okay But I'm not mad at it I wouldn't be mad I actually need headphones in the house Because I don't want to listen to anything that's going on outside of the building.

Sydney, that's so crazy because you never use headphones in the street. You know what? That's mess, Marie. Yo, you really, you're supposed to be by my side. You know what it is?

I think I took a little tincture, a little tincture. I think you did. Just me right now. Yeah. And it's coming off. It's coming off.

Marie, what is your mess for the week? Can we get into that? What is my mess for the week? She didn't even think about it because she's thinking about everybody else's mess. Well, I did get it.

No, I have a lot of mess. I just don't know what I can and comfortably share it's hot though it's real hot girl it's hot share now slide in my dms later so i can tell you what it is what's going on oh i'm salivating a boy a man the boys is mine yeah um i was talking a few weeks ago i unblocked two of my exes recently right and the results are they are they are not the father what's in what's in with the results okay boom so this is what's going on so i'm talking to both

right because separately they don't give what i need them to give but together they give one happy healthy man yes both six three yes if you was wondering for the height and i was and i love it and be careful by the way because you're inching towards accidentally making a case for poly and that's not something i want to hear she's leaning into now i'm tired i'm tired i'm so tired of poly all i know is that we came to the conclusion that marie is poly now and this is a this is well maybe i'm entering my poly era well i've ended my feud with the bi community okay i'm done i'm done feuding with the bi community why were you shooting with them i've grown i love i wasn't i frankly never was i love the bi community i love y'all keep it up and so

now but now i've turned my sights on the polly he's he's throwing it to me i'm not my with the pollies i'm trying to be a polly polly polly is just like aren't you are you greedy you're greedy it's not greedy it's greedy i think if you date men yeah you have to be polly because one can't do all the things you need them to do one i'm gonna make one of them do it i can't do but i don't want to build a bear i'm like i can take a little bit of this a little bit of that i guess some frankenstein in a man i'm what is okay tell me this you've got guy one and guy two right what does guy one do what can he not do and same for the other one like what is it is one of them just fucks you really good and the other one's like nice okay now caleb i love how you just taken

over now you the host no no no i mean i want to know is that the truth basically so okay this is my problem essentially this is my problem with poly though i'm like why not just be open because open and poly are different okay so what's the difference wait let's explain because poly is when you have multiple relationships yes open is just like we're not we're not together we have a relationship and i'm seeing other people we're seeing other people that's beautiful open is beautiful so what's poly poly is a mental illness corporations and the cigarette companies are frankly involved and implicated i think so i believe poly to carry on multiple relationships is like go why don't you get a job

Polly is Sponsor Polly you have a lot of time And you gotta have a lot of money How are you keeping up with all these people Emotionally, financially I'm not keeping up with anything Let me tell you something

You're not Polly yet You're dipping the toes I know a lot of Polly people okay okay what they look like as a queer person i don't want to talk about what they look like they live in bushwick i will say that i will say that people live in bushwick i will say they live in bushwick and they live in portland oregon and the haircuts are whatever they're going to be but the point is i know a lot of people and you're saying they must have money no they don't no they don't they're broke and they're still finding time and poor they're dating multiple people we're

doing the polypore that might be the title of the episode polypore that's not what's happening here You know what I know that But I had a lesbian friend Who went poly Just to split the rent That was genius But that's everybody in New York That doesn't have anything

To do with any bisexuality That's just living in New York Yeah It's people in New York That won't get divorced Or break up with somebody Because they don't want They can't afford

To live in New York Yeah I'll be homeless Before I hang out with someone I don't want to be around No I feel like I need a home You saying that on camera I need a house To be mad in

Well as a lesbian Was I insensitive I'm sorry No no as a lesbian That has been housed Many times through relationships hey if the person you want to be with also has an extra bedroom i say go for it let me tell you here's what i'll tell you the caleb heron guarantee is if i'm around you trust that i want to be

around you because i'll do anything to not be around people i don't want to be around that now that i would go to the ends of the earth and i think that's an issue with like people in these open relationships and also sometimes they just don't like the people but they only need a little bit of them yeah okay drag me not you it's on the table both a little bit yeah you know so are you carrying on with both of them right now is that what's going on oh well this is the mess this is why i put this up yeah right so i have a dresser that i'm trying to get rid of marie is insane person number person number A

wanted to pick it up but person number B or letter 2 whatever same difference same he was like oh can I come back

and get it today but B is gonna be at my house today yeah and I almost said yes so B could help A carry it down the stairs she's insane

and I was like sister I'm not I don't want you to get murdered for the plot I'm gonna cry because I am so inspired

you're inspired that's beautiful you know what I'll tell you something I did recently Do not enable Miss Molly over here Please enable

My assistant was visiting From LA I waited a week To get furniture delivered Until he was in town So he could carry it in He came over To watch a football game

I said This furniture's arriving Right when you're here Do you mind Do you mind grabbing it for me Yeah Actually I said Do you mind

He was making fun of me I said Do you mind helping me with it And then he just did it And he was like Where was the help in that And I was like Brother

You said I held the door open You're getting paid Are you not Come on You said where was the help You said you are the help. Having two men, yeah, I might turn into an evil, like, cartoon. You having two men that you're sleeping with move your furniture out for you is so beautiful.

I'm inspired and moved. Well, I didn't say yes. You should have. You can come a different day, but honestly, the day today would be ideal. It would have been ideal, but Marie, the thing is, this is the thing about straight men, they are unpredictable. And one minute you think it's all key, key, key, key, until one of them pull up, pop, pop, pop, I don't need that.

I'm not. I'm not. No. Absolutely not. So we need to stick to the script And make sure Sydney which one of them would pop pop pop Oh you already know which one it is

You already know And does I'm not saying the nationality of that person But they are known You've said a lot of lesbian things around me But this was one of the most lesbian You said be careful with men they'll shoot you I was going to say kill

But you shoot you know what I'll generalize it Maybe it'll be a Donald Trump no like yeah staged and fake or i'm just gonna be a ouija stunt and that's you know we can't have that i'm not a ceo why first of all why would they shoot me and not shoot each other ceo of mess because that's how straight men work no no no no that's how they work they love me they hate each other yeah one would die whoever lives wins girl this rom-com that you got going on for 2b I guess I'll tune in

it's Tyler Perry I'll take it the name of the movie? Facebook Marketplace I'm so glad I'm not attracted to women because in any gender situation either of you would ruin my life and I can feel that I can see why these men are coming around

not because I would be so into you I could just feel you would have that power over me either one of you you're very compelling Marie because Marie is not available like she's putting up a little bit of a guard I'm too too available what do Cuomo say

do you say thirsty like transparent like I'm telling everything I'm doing whatever it is and you're like yeah I know too much

that's not hot but Marie she's gonna keep it mysterious you don't know if she she wanna be with you or she hate you you don't know

yeah so is it serving you though are they serving me did I move did I move my hand did my hand move myth one

is that serving you Caleb you are the guest is it working I need you to watch your mouth because you're giving hopes right now. No worries. I was just checking in, but I can absolutely reign it in.

The answer is yes. Okay. You're happy with the situation. You like the two guys. When it doesn't work, it's not stopping me from doing anything else. I talked to my therapist about it. Lydia said,

as long as you're still out here living your best life and meeting people, then great. Because these are two people that I could not make it work with in the past. Yeah. But I was dating each of them separately.

Together, I'm like, I could do this. Yeah. Because what you're not doing, this one will. Yes. and what you're not saying this one will

like yeah I'd like to get in the room with Lydia I'd like to get in the room with Lydia me too I want to be on the zoom

dude absolutely Lydia is a genius if you therapize my friends every once a month everybody who's a therapist to someone I love

should have they should be required by law to have a session called Caleb's coming Caleb's coming and I'm coming in and I'm telling my side of stuff because I'm tired

of the miscommunication true oh well Rebecca said I want to talk to her okay now who's your person who is your Lydia I don't have a therapist okay and that's the problem

yeah you see that inner strength no no no I don't need a therapist what's Lydia gonna tell me about me you know what

you don't know until you talk to Lydia yeah but if Lydia is like yeah tell both your men to pull up at the same time I'm also not she didn't say that

I I don't even say that I almost did that right but you're going to her and you're thinking that so it's like no

you know I see Lydia every other week she don't know about this she'll know about this Girl, you might need to do back-to-back-to-back weeks. No, no, no. I'm delivered. I'm healed.

She said you're cured. She said, girl, you're just coming here because you want to. You don't need to be here. Right. She went on vacation for two weeks. I haven't even seen her. There's nothing scarier than a friend who was in therapy long enough to learn the language, but not long enough to do the work.

Because then they have the words, and they can justify what they're doing, and then I'm in the mess. I don't want anything to do with it. That's when you're talking about that week that all straight men learned the phrase gaslighting? Gaslighting was one of the worst things that happened to the straight male community. they learned that word and they went haywire they lost their minds so what you're saying is I'm a liar

get out of here we already knew you were a liar they like textbook gaslight and they be like so you're saying that I'm gaslighting you yeah I'm glad I'm out of my straight guys era that was interesting in my early 20s but I'm done with that I've moved on from them

you deserve it was fun you're better than that well I'm not better than that I'm actually trying to be worse you're in it I am collecting them like Thanos you hear me I next year

you're going to see me you're going to be like who is this entourage that Marie's always with Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday yeah that's that listen long as nobody gets crazy or violent I'm here for you why do you keep putting violence on them because I watch

the men they're insane name one man who's done something bad one man name one man who's done something bad you can't you're right

absolutely I'm drawing a blank I'm drawing a blank did he that's crazy he's an angel okay name two more yeah name two

name three men who've done something bad on the chopping block right now is Jay-Z Jay-Z's up there Sydney top three worst men of all time you know what

made me laugh though what they put out one allegation about Jay-Z he put on that suit and went to that premiere with his daughter he said I'm not

talking about me he said I'm at Mufasa He said, I'm with my family at the premiere. That was quick. Please respect my privacy in this difficult time. I loved that. He said, thoughts and prayers to your allegations, baby. Him and Blake Lively's PR teams both are working overtime.

They're working overtime right now. Every time I see that, I'm like, this is why I don't want to be a celebrity. Because this is just, it's too much. Should we cut your camera off? Oh. Yeah, get her out of there. This one is going to blow. I need to kill it.

Yeah, be careful. now uh caleb we brought you in here today to talk about you know your topic of mess now what would you bring what are you and what are we answering today okay what is messy it's hard to pick because there's a lot of things that are messy yeah you guys know me i'm observant i'm a fair guy i call it like it is you say fair i'm a fair i'm gonna say lowercase fair down the middle capital yeah okay fair okay no worries no worries no worries but i'm looking at everything i'm giving an honest evaluation of things and what i really decided to land on that's messy is drumroll please moms on social specifically moms on facebook the one of the messiest if you talk

about a site for messiness moms on social are doing some of the most unhinged in every direction unhinged in every single way yeah starting drama sharing political conspiracy theories that are based in absolutely nothing like truly they'll get tricked by anything they shouldn't be on social or there's another type of unhinged that my mom has been doing lately on social so you said moms on social you mean specifically your mom that's where you're pulling in there dreaming baby your mom i'm keeping up with other moms on social as well because you know a mom loves me yes a mom loves your mom magnet moms love this guy moms are like make sure caleb is coming you're definitely that type it's been a long time in the works moms love me i can't i can't i can't find a mom that

doesn't want to be around me they love me so i know a lot of them on social sounds like a challenge yeah there's not a i'm telling all the listeners right now your mom would love me try me every mom loves me there's no way around it conservative mom liberal mom i got a little judgy mom i feel like my mom she's my mom she would invite me out with her after the first meeting i guarantee it we might have to put this to the test friend bring her on might bring her marie's mom pops out from the curtain she would love me but i'm so i'm keeping up with them on social my mom is doing this thing lately where she'll send me something like really like manipulatively sentimental like she'll send me something and it's she's trying to be sweet but it'll be like

a tiktok that's just text and like a moving ocean in the background with music has 12 likes i don't know how she found it 12 likes i don't know how she found it she's a mom on internet that's a mom ass post another mom posted that got 12 likes your mom and then my mom saw it and the text will be like your children will never know how much your heart breaks every moment that you're away from them all you can do is hope that they somehow understand she'll send me that 9 a.m on a tuesday now I think that's the white mom equivalent to what the black moms do on whatsapp

which is send us a bible verse with like a glittery blingy bible verse yes I can't stand those God doesn't need to be this good at 7am yeah who's doing the marketing for God these days moms on social

moms on whatsapp okay well I will say the moms you know not too much moms because they're selfless they gave up their whole bodies for these kids a lot of them don't like kids people don't like them like their kids don't like them

people don't like them on planes with babies so like they go through a lot so you're saying the moms people don't like moms they don't like moms with babies on the plane what? I do not think moms are selfless well I just I think that people forget that our parents are just people who had

kids like being a mom or being a dad doesn't make you better or smarter. Some of us have friends who have children, and they're pretty dumb. Yeah, name them. We have so many friends with kids that Marie is a wild

for that. That's all Marie. Name them. Hold on. I didn't say we have so many friends with kids. Individually, we all know people with children. Yes, we do.

They are literally everywhere. preference now my mom is selfless hold on hold on go ahead i'm gonna put a pin in it yeah you were thinking of somebody specific when i said it and you try to i was not thinking about anything all i know is that moms do so much yes sometimes when you think about it people have kids for the wrong reasons but at the end of the day what was the right reasons the right reason is because You're like, I want to extend human life that's going to surpass me. And I want them to have their own autonomy and live their own lives. And my dreams have nothing to do with them.

Who says that when they have a baby? I think people should be saying that. That was nice. I wish more people said that. I hate that people are like, I didn't live my life. Now I'm going to live it through. Don't do it. Stop it.

It hurts. It hurts. We don't want to see it. You would see that, like, this little kid playing the viola. That kid don't give a fuck about the viola. But the mom is like, well, you know, I broke my hand when I was 12. And so I was supposed to be a championship violist. And now I'm a violist.

Couple violists in here tonight. Sidney's thinking of one mom. There's one mom. Sidney's like, she's not dumb. She just couldn't play the viola. all these moms just want their kids to play the viola yeah yeah it's just but that's what it is and it's it's like it's frustrating to see and luckily you know my mom had me and by accident she wasn't really thinking nothing else of like oh she was like why i guess so she wasn't pushing

things on me so much besides uh christianity and school and making money and working and being straight out of sexuality you know yeah but that's just the basics how much of that took by the way Cause I know I'm looking at a lesbian, but what about Christian? Did you, there's Christian for you? Uh, well,

yes, but she, cause I'm just wondering how much of that. I don't like you sitting over there. It does feel like you're in it. She went in on a lot of battles and it sounds like she lost the war. Cause I'm looking at a lesbian and I'm wondering if I'm looking at a Christian. I am a Christian.

Nice. Okay. She won one. I'm Christian by faith. I don't know if I'm a Christian. Christian by faith is crazy That's a good title Christian by faith

Put that in the title Yeah I'm not sure it says anything Hey Hey take it Whatever you want it to be What does that mean sis That means you

I'm not I don't know if I'm a Practicing Christian But my faith is Girl you know You're not a practicing I don't know You're not a

I don't know You're a Christian by life No Christian by life Also another great I know, we on the money today, bitch Did you have a coffee? No, I had an edible

Y'all didn't tell me we were doing Eddies before this, I'm sober You want a little dropper? Not now Not on cam But I wish I knew before I came over here I mean, the fact that you didn't BYO weed is crazy Christian in theory

So Christian in theory, is Christian for you? Christian? Are you Christian? I was raised Christian I'd love to see you both in heaven You know what? We'd love to see you there too. I would love to see you both and have it also a great title.

Caleb, you are over time. Do you know what's sick about me? What? This is really sick about me. I'm not Christian necessarily. I don't know. I'm vibing. I'm like, well, there's probably something,

but I'm not really worried about it. Listen, I'm cool. I went to Sunday school and vacation by vacation by school. I had the tuna fish sandwiches like every fucking day. Yes, of course. That was the fish.

Fed 500 people with the tuna fish sandwich. The tuna fish. Chicken at the sea, baby. What's sick about me, this is it, okay? I'm not a practicing Christian. By faith? By faith or whatever the metric is. But I really believe this.

Okay, so Christianity turns out to be real, right? Sure. Looking bad for me if that's the case. Yeah. And then I get to the pearly gates and God's like, you weren't Christian while you were down there and I really, really wanted you to be. my what's so fucked up about me is i genuinely think if i get that conversation if i get that meeting with god i think i can convince him i think you can too i think you're very charismatic i know i wasn't christian but i was doing good shit down there i was having a good time i did

not hurt anybody i was fucking around i was doing my thing you're gonna say fucking around at the pearly gates i think he's gonna respect it like he doesn't want me to come in like sanitized and kissing ass like i think he wants me to be real no i think he wants me to be real is gay for you so he probably yeah he doesn't want me doing that kind of stuff he wants me to clean it up but what people don't understand is that by the time like when we you know knock on wood you know we you know we don't pass but by the time we do pass i think there's been different iterations of god and so god by the time when we when we pass he will have elevated and when we die we'll be up there and he'll do like a little game

show. So like we'll have to even though he's like on paper you're supposed to be in hell but I'm going to give you one more chance. Lordy lordy give me one more chance. Lordy lordy give me one more chance. He's already wearing a chance. This iteration of God

is wearing a Jesus piece with his dead son on it. And he will be wearing Doc Martens. With no zip. Your faith is not sounding Christian to me the more we go on. You're like, we get there. It's a game show. I'm like, well, okay.

It's not in the book I read. When I was younger, my brother told me, and I believed him, when you die, and you know, I don't know how he would know this, but when you die, God sits next to you and you watch like the movie of your life. Yeah. And every time you do something, he says, well, why did you do that? Classic Christian idea, by the way. Classic Christianity.

Classic movie club with God Christian idea. But imagine that's what happens when you die. Because, you know, time is nothing for him. I could justify everything I've done. But from when you were a little... Yeah, every one of them. From when you were born to when you die, he's like, okay, so let me tell... Have you ever stolen anything?

I'd turn it back... Yes, and I would turn it back on him. I'm sitting with God, okay? I'm a reflection of you, Lord. You may be. I'm telling you a thief. And you put me in target and made the lamp more expensive than... You made me poor.

You made me poor, first of all. I grew up so poor. I'm like, yeah, I could justify everything. I would sit with him, and he would go, why did you do that? And I'd be like, what would you have done? What would Jesus do? Yeah, what would you have done? Because you flooded the earth because you were mad at people.

I wore a bracelet all through elementary school. Yeah, what would Jesus do? I'd get contentious with him. Yeah, if God asked me, why would you do that? Why did you do that in certain times? I was like, well, from 23 to 30, I was on cocaine. That's why I did it. And you know what they say, the higher you are, the closer to God.

Right. I was just trying to get to you, my Lord. All God's people said. Amen. Lord, I think I could convince him. I really do. I think it's crazy, but I... I also don't see myself dying.

You don't see yourself dying? No, like, I think about that as a concept. And this is where you are white now. Now, this is, at first, I was like... It's white to think you might not die? Yes. Oh, my God. Absolutely.

White people be like, I'm going to live forever because nothing is wrong in my world. I'm never going to jail. I'm never going to die. Nothing is wrong. I'm doing everything right. We're just at the time to ask this, actually, since y'all brought up my whiteness. Where would y'all put me on the... So you got like the worst white person ever.

Okay. Gotta be Hitler, right? Oh, I was going to say Christopher Columbus. Okay. You think Christopher Columbus is worse than Hitler? I mean, he did bring a lot of disease. A lot of people died. It was, yeah.

I think they neck and neck, if anything. Okay. Yeah. Who is your white person? Yeah. That's the worst? The worst. The worst.

Yeah. Damn, that's a tough, you know what? Bro, you got to have this at the tip of your tongue. I don't be thinking about it. You have to think about it. Because a white person might ask. For me, it was my manager when I worked at Ritz-Carlton. That was the worst fight.

So Hitler. Christopher Columbus, Hitler, your manager. And then like the best possible whites, right? Got to be like Dolly Parton. Who are some other good whites? Good whites. Like high class whites. Like best into that scale whites.

Like really good. I don't even think about it. Jane Elliott. I don't know who that is. Jane Elliott did the blue eyes, brown eyes experiment. You know her? Oh, yes. That old white lady that was really, really down.

Is she gay? I mean. Oh, good night. You can't conduct something like that without having some type of gayness in you. Oh, Jane, I had no idea. Oh, I love that. I thought she was family. Good white.

Wasn't she at Stonewall? Was she at Stonewall? She picked up the brick. I don't think Jane Elliott's old ass was at Stonewall. She picked up the brick. She was dropping by. She was doing the blue eyes, bright eyes experiment. She wasn't walking by.

I feel like she's- I don't think she was in the neighborhood. She's dropped by. She was not near Stonewall. But my question is this. Okay, wait, hold on. I think my good white is maybe Angelina Jolie. Really?

No. That's correct. I'm saying no. No offense, Angelina. I don't care about all the, she's a Philly anthropist. Girl, you don't know a word. Philanthropist? She's from Philadelphia.

Philharmica. She's a Philly anthropist. She's a Philly anthropist. How do you say it? Philanthropist. Philanthropist. There it is. You don't count philanthropists?

I mean, sometimes I feel like people do that because they're like, hey, I've done a lot of bullshit and this is how I. There's an atoning. Yeah this is how I clear it Right Well let me cleanse my palette I'm trying to You know I want to look good

On my movie with God Yeah So she's like Yes I took Jennifer Aniston's man There you go Now I gotta work For all of the

Continent of Africa So And Asia And Asia too So Yeah But also I don't care about

Jennifer Aniston Like that's not That didn't factor into She did Mr. and Mrs. Smith The chemistry was Real palpable So I would also Bang Brad Pitt

If I was Angelina Jolie If you get the opportunity Minnie would Well not now I heard he don't really bathe every day. He wanted them. Really? That's another white thing.

Y'all hate water. Leave me out of it. Leave me out of it because I'm not one of them. You're not in it. Leave me out of it. Don't put me in it because I'm showering. On a scale from Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis to Brad Pitt, where do you? You know, I met Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis this past summer.

What did they smell like? At a play in London. And I don't remember the way they smelled, but we met after the play. And I'm going to air y'all out a little bit and just say how you reacted. This is a mess exclusive right now. Airing it out. I haven't talked about this anywhere. That should be a little segment.

Airing it out. Mess exclusive. I'm airing it out a little bit. They smelled lovely. They were perfectly nice, Mila and Ashton. But they were both sobbing at the play. And the play was about? It was a little bit about men's rights.

Oh. But it was James Corden. It wasn't fully. I mean. Oh, cut the cameras. James Corden. Leave them on. We're done here.

Leave them on if you can hear me. What is men's rights? Well, men are being deeply mistreated in this country. Excuse me? Caleb, are you being serious right now? No. I don't feel that way. I don't feel that way.

I don't care about men. I mean, I am one, but in a loose way. I can't believe you said that to us. I'm strong on he, him, but I'm loose on the rest of that. But I think I'm not entering a they into the conversation. You know what I mean? Oh, no. It'll be he, him.

That's where this went? No, I'm talking about me now. Okay, but he, him. What's going on with boys? Well, what is going on with our boys? What is going on? Well, James Corden was in a play in London where he played a veteran who had his kids taken away because he went off on a woman at a courthouse. Look, James, James Corden, hell of a theater actor.

He did an incredible performance. Was the writing of, was the material and the men's rights angle for me? No, but James is amazing in it. And Mila and Ashton were crying backstage. Isn't that beautiful? That makes me like them less. Yeah. Was that the point of that story?

Well, I just wanted to say something. No, do it. He was airing it out and you did that. I think it was a flex. One, that you were in London and then two, you was watching a play.

It's not a flex to be in London. Have you been to London? It's not a flex. No, my fans there are beautiful. We love London. I love my fans in London. They love us in London. They do.

We've all done well in London. Shout out to London. Shout out to London. Manchester. Exactly correct. You tell them, Sydney. Exactly. Are you by Mola?

Yes. Manchester. No, this is what happened when we were in Marrakesh we went to Nobu and we finally Hold on. I get accused of flexing because I said I went to a play

in London. You were at Nobu and Marrakesh. When you're a black woman that is self-care. That's not flexing. That's a part of the journey. That was my bad. I was coming from a bad place. Yes, you were. Check yourself.

Or you wreck yourself. We finally ran into some young black men and we sat down we're kiki and having a good time and i i i mentioned that i date women and the guy who was from manchester he was like so you're bipolar and we were like you mean bisexual need him and me and amina were like right well she is you were like we heard you the way you got to the answer wasn't correct but the answer was there was something there yeah we got show your work but you guys are trying to avoid my question your

work what was the question the well and and isn't that telling okay let's hold on y'all i have a question and isn't that telling we've named our worst favorite way but the point of that question thank you so much my love was where would y'all put me on a scale of worst whites ever to best whites ever well let me check my venmo see if you ever sent me any money what do you mean no not that we i need more time with you caleb i need a i need more time i need you've known me for a while i know i have but 10 years that's how you really know somebody 10 years i think i think between two and five people are showing you what they want you to see of them but 10 you're gonna see all through yeah you're gonna see right through them yeah by the 10th year they're exhausted from

pretending to be you know what you want them to be by the 10th year they are revealing the mask So this is the real you now. Yes, absolutely. Marie, we've been together for like more than 10 years. I feel like we've been very honest the entire time. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I just want to be clear about what's being said to me right now by a very good friend of mine.

I just want to make sure I'm understanding your point. Your point is, you think that there's at least somewhat of a possibility that in all the time that we've been dear friends now, that I am maybe putting on and lying. And I could come out that I'm actually bad. Here's a mess exclusive. A person that I knew Air it out I knew

You know I thought like Oh I know this And this is what happens Every time I'm cool With a straight man Every time I'm like

I'll be like Yeah not them And then Eight years Ten years Something comes up It's like oh Now they got an allegation

Can I tell you something about me This is why I can't stand by y'all Every straight man you're cool with Not an allegation No no no I never said that You need to change the circuit No bitch

Yeah Girl Can I tell you something about me? No, I didn't say that. No, we're talking about me, though. So I'm, I have, what's, okay, mess exclusive. I'm going to air it out. Air it out.

I am a homosexual man. Oh. So you're, we're not even talking about it. Thank you, honey. We're talking about straight men. Again. Oh, but I thought you were talking about me because you said you couldn't get me, you couldn't put me on the spectrum because you haven't known me for long enough.

Well, I just need some more time. I think I got to come down to the Kansas City house. Okay. You need to come to the Kansas City house. I think I'm going to come to the Kansas City house. Taking a visit will really get it. Yeah. and what do you need to see there

you know when you watch like any reality show and they do the back story of the persons like I've always wanted to be a singer so you know this is my teacher from my music teacher from I want to I need to meet you need to meet some of my teachers so we need to do like a star is born

I didn't I don't know you didn't watch that movie we'll place me on the scale once you I want to know how I can get there I need to take you to Kansas City she gotta be flewed out flown out yeah i'll do that listen i'll get there okay okay i'll get there and i'm happy to fly you out oh okay and then stop going you know you got tons of points okay i've done it i've done it for

less i've done it for people that meant less to me and i want to you mean a lot to me and then for you it's gonna have to be a decade how long have i known you now five four five years yes okay so i gotta put in about double of the time yeah i think you're i think you're doing great you've almost reached your pension yeah okay you're halfway there buddy cool i see it for you cool i'll be tenured i'll be vested in five to six more years okay best best best did you say your best white yeah my best white was you were angelina jolie who did angelina jolie my best white that was you okay i'm gonna say um kelly ripper why kelly ripper well i know why you about the story or or you know jim carrey jim carrey might be my best oh that's controversial it is

controversial but for me for me my best way i'm gonna say that and everyone gets their own and everybody gets it can it they don't have to be the best for everyone just for your individual best way yeah yeah your own ranking of white worst white that's the title of the episode yeah kelly ripper came in from a gala she had like about seven friends with her she's in a gown She's with her husband They're hanging Getting drinks Taking care

Whatever She The bill wasn't even that high She over tipped me like Five six hundred dollars Best white for me Good white Wow

That's a good white That's all you need You too can be the best white Yeah For just five hundred dollars a day You too I'm warning everyone It's price

It's the best white Delta Comfort Plus for you And then five hundred dollars for you I'm warning Another best white for me Lizzy Grubman She did The lady who hit all those people

And she said, y'all white trash. And I said, say that. Say that. Say that, sister. Lizzie Grubman, you made this person up. No, I did not. She's like a publicist that like. Icon.

Years ago. She hit a bunch of. Didn't she? Yes. Yes. What? Did she hit somebody you don't like? No, no, no.

Did she hit a work white? Let me tell the rest of the story. She hit your manager from Revram. Imagine. Yo, if she did, I would have married her. I would be like, hey, girl, I know you're not gay, but let's link up. I had a scholarship in college. One semester, I failed, so I lost my scholarship.

At one does. Yeah. Lizzy Grubman paid for me to go back to school. How did you know Lizzy Grubman? I was interning for her at her PR company. Okay. Yeah. This is before or after the accident?

This is after the accident. Well, she was like, let me just. And you know what that sounds like? No. That sounds like something Angelina Jolie would do. Wow, okay. She paid for all the kids to go to college. Something Angelina Jolie would do is also a good title.

I kind of like that. What would Angelina Jolie do? What would Angelina Jolie do? Yeah. And she let her little black daughter go to Spelman, where the black girls should go. She's doing great. You know, she's not my best wife. Well, she didn't give you $500.

Okay, but Lizzie Grubman paid for a whole semester, so that was, you know, $16,000. Oh, $16,000, Lizzie Grubman. Well, what's going on with Lizzie now? Where's she at? Hopefully not behind the wheel. I think everybody should be allowed to hit a few people in the Hamptons and still walk because a lot of bad is happening

in the Hamptons but that's such a funny sentence because the people they hit can't walk you saw that and you see how we work so hard here now let's talk about Facebook we forgot about that that's why we're here

we was really going in but you took us there I just like to know You guys brought up whiteness. I'm interested in it. And I wanted to know where I fall. I'm always looking for notes. That's funny.

I'm interested in whiteness. And you see that? You brought it right back. Yeah. Just like a white man. Just like a white man. So you can't be the best now. So I'm, yeah, I'm closer to the.

You're somewhere around the bottom. I'm closer. I'm in the Christopher Columbus tier. No. Okay. Spread the word. Caleb Moore. You're in the John Wilkes Booth tier.

Somewhere. Did something cool, but probably had some bad ideas as well. Yeah. Okay. Somewhere between John Wilkes Booth and like Louis C.K. Louis just pulled his pee out He wasn't that bad Yeah but if somebody pulled their dick out

You gon' look He's counting on it You won't be like Somebody pulled their dick out on the train once No I'm looking everywhere else I'm acting like it's not there Sydney you Somebody pulled their dick out you not gon' look

No I'm finding everywhere else Sydney you are going live on that Q train You know I don't have no service I barely pay my phone bill that's never stopped you Cindy's not gonna see the dick she's trying to put the headphones back together

I'm like did my airpods fall off Cindy you know what Cindy needs for the housewarming she needs that like glasses kid with the tiny screws

for her airpods hot with literally just and it would just be the string hot anyway yeah

Taylor back to moms on the internet I feel like you have more examples messy of them well like how long have you

and your mother have been friends on socials long time me and my mom are very close i do have a selfless mom my mom is great my mom can get away with anything she can send me any meme she wants she can do my mom is the best she raised my brother and i by herself single mom while working three jobs and putting herself through college my mom and i love her and so she can do whatever she wants on facebook but i will say i've not i've been on facebook in years and years but when i was on back in the day these moms are on there speaking of mess exclusive airing each other out they have they're airing each other they're literally get on a facebook status and be like to whoever told

my daughter down to the school today that she couldn't wear a tube top i told her she could wear it next time call me and then they're in the comments being like she's too young for a tube you know like they're really like they're going in over there and i love and respect it yeah i feel like that generation uses social media differently than everybody else yeah because it's full sentences they're using is semicolons it's like girl we use the word it's a lot of see more it's see more you're gonna have to click and then you're gonna see the rest of the paragraph paragraphs roll out and they're giving they're giving full-on college dissertation oh they're they're indenting they're tabbing in yeah paragraph structures i'm worried that my mom is addicted

to the attention because she after i did a podcast episode with her and it went people really liked blame you oh she's getting stopped on the street for pictures people love it shut up but now she's created a profile on every platform that she didn't have one to go and comment on stuff like she created a youtube account oh just to comment on the video and be like thank y'all for the love i'm so proud of my son and she's loving the likes i can feel it i can feel it changing her she worked hard for she made you she didn't i should i don't know if she worked hard for that she did she worked hard for me and then i worked hard for the likes she kind of nepo babied into the likes yeah i got a nepo mom in the in the likes she wants to be at the shows with you on stage

doing she's at the shows she's at the shows she's getting real drunk at the shows that's my girl i think mom's on the internet like my mom my mom was on the internet and she was the type to like give bad news in the comments like you're posting a picture of you in your halloween costume and she's like oh my god uncle sugar do died like stuff like that uncle sugar do died we all remember that was he diabetic i don't know his name but that was just that was his nickname i don't know that's not like he he lost the foot no he was not he had all his limbs but they called him uncle sugar do he lived in little rock arkansas that feels like a name that pairs well with a place and little rock arkansas has multiple sugar sugar do yeah he had his refrigerator locked up chain

chain and lock we could not just go in there and just get a nice cold pop he was like you're gonna have to get that key because i'm tired of you kids running in and out and he's real because kids do run in and out he said y'all not drinking all my capri sun no they grabbed too much from the fridge my little cousins come over to my house in kin city and they try to do all kinds of crazy shit they try to eat a popsicle on my couch i said the couch is more important to me than you are get off the couch with the popsicle what color is the couch the couch is a light gray and the popsicle is a dark purple and these boys are not responsible they're eating popcorn in the bed i can't believe it oh they're who raised them well they're being raised very progressive

that sounds like my aunt and uncle are very progressive okay i've rethought hitting kids I've been so anti-hitting kids And then sometimes They're at my house And I go I understand it You're anti-hitting kids Maybe don't hit them

But shake them a little Never hit them Well you can't shake them either Because their brains Their brains are fragile baby You can't Don't shake a kid The kids are not

What they used to be Kids are like indestructible You can throw a car At a baby And the baby's like No I want to talk to you off mic I want to talk to you

Off mic No you need to talk to her On mic I mean we've been having We've had some Some controversial takes here And they've let us know In the reviews

that they weren't happy about some of the things that we said. It's so annoying. What are you going to do, you know? I know, and it's also like, you know what I don't like now? What? Everyone keeps a record,

because same thing with me. I'll say things, and people will be like, actually, and I'm like, shut up. There's this whole record now, and everyone expects you to be flawless. I'm like, I'm not, I just want to say,

sometimes I'm feeling something, and the vibe is more important than the veracity, you know? Well, I just want to let everybody know, I'm a comedian first. Yeah. So everything I'm saying is in depth. No, no, no, no, no.

You're a Christian first. Christian first. I'm a comedian in faith. Christian by... I'm a comedian in faith first and foremost. I love that. That is actually... Find me down at the club.

Another good one. Being a comedian in faith. I have a question for you two. Yes. It's been on my mind. I was thinking about it on my way over here. Okay? The show's called Messy.

You're two best friends. No, Mess. Mess. You're two best friends. Now, that's Mess that you came here, didn't know the title. Mess and Messy. It's one letter. No.

Give me a damn break. No, messy means that it is, you know, in the guise of mess. Mess is mess. Mess is mess. Yeah, mess is mess. Period. This is what it is. I'm not sure what she's arguing, but it is called mess.

No, this is a Marrakesh moment. I need to check it. Not standing by your good sister's side. Whatever I say, you'd be like, yep. No, because you've said multiple things today that I was like, huh? Well, your edible is defensive. That's what it is. Girl.

Yeah. And you know what? I would do it again. Look at your bag of glasses What is going on Marie She's a woman on the go I didn't know who I wanted to be today You know

Did I want to be her Did I want to be my love dog But science Whatever it doesn't matter I'm looking for lip balm What's the question that you were Well your guys' dynamic just now Really leads into the question

Which is I want to know genuinely And don't Please don't lie to me Because I have a barometer for it And I'm not feeling it But that's all we do here So what

I don't want to hear the lies We lie I don't want to hear the lies I want to hear the truth Liars first Christian second I'm a liar by faith I'm a Christian by faith

I want to know In y'all's long story Beautiful friendship Yeah What is the biggest mess That you two have had Between the two of you Got your ass

I'm thinking Got your ass But also Me and Sydney Don't really have mess Don't lie to me See This is what I'm talking about

You're going to tell me In your whole friendship We don't really Me and Sydney Don't really have mess That's not what Sydney's eyes Are telling me Sydney Okay

The only mess that we had was when we went on your birthday trip for Marrakesh. That was the only mess. What happened? Our friend, a friend of ours

had planned a lot of the stuff. And there was no... Because I'm not a planner. Yeah. It's my birthday trip, but I don't want to plan anything. And it was no breaks.

It was no breaks. And you know I'm a nap. I need a nap. I'm a sleepy ass hoe. And so, you know, I didn't travel, you know,

18 hours to go somewhere and then be like, B-5-4-5 and run and hit, rip, zip, zap. But it was also a birthday, So I was like Marie wants to run

Run around as well Girl Yeah What was The itinerary was stacked It was stacked Taylor Okay

Someone sends you A Google Doc For a trip Actually I should say I gotta cancel I can't Yeah but you know what The real mess is here

Sid had the itinerary Weeks before the trip Uh oh Never checked it Yeah And then we get on the trip That being said I also didn't really check it

we get there and it was like oh this is a park this is a this is a where were we a garden she wanted to see

all these gardens and it was like tour guide sounds delightful I'm waiting to hear the bad part it was a geographic ass tour no it was fine

but it was like we've been friends for we've never had an Ontario we go with the flow we vibes only we go somewhere we touch in we touch down

we know somebody we post hey we here we get 20 text me hey come here we get in free we ain't worried about

I'm not hearing any mess. Yeah. So what I'm trying to say to you is we haven't really... Oh, no, there was a mess. We was in the desert, baby. We drove 10, 11 hours to the desert,

and I said, oh, this might end everything. Well, who goes to Morocco and doesn't go to the Sahara Desert? I didn't know that. So what happened? I didn't know that we was driving in a little...

It was in the artillery. In a little-ass car. It was page seven of the Google Doc. You need to tap in. So where's the mess? Y'all got in a fight, the two of you?

I cried. I cried. Sorry, okay. because of because of something between the two of you because of the itinerary but she didn't make the itinerary so why is it messed with y'all also i didn't know that i was like marie you were playing something like this like girl you know i didn't plan nothing i was like all right cool cool but we was we was in tents and it was the tents where like it was all three of us and there's a little veil you could hear you could smell somebody pooping peeing showering i could see

I could see your uterus While you're shouting It was a lot Yeah But that's how It made us closer Actually it made us closer To answer your question

There hasn't really been No mess between us Y'all just put on A master class in lying No it's not true Sydney's telling you A story Diversion in lying

Sydney's telling you A story about a girl's trip Where somebody cried That's what girl's trips are Yeah I don't go on If you don't go on If you

First of all We went on a 10 day girl's trip That was mad That's too many days 10 days I said Nobody likes girls that much, including lesbians.

I don't do trips with girls anymore. I'm off it. I love women. All love to women. Yes. But trips with women, you have to be built. Even as a gay man, you have to be built. Marie.

I can't find my... Marie, you giving up with the purse is a lie. The purse element of it all. The last 10 minutes of Marie, first of all, baked out of her mind. Let me just take everything out of the bag. Just clawing through the purse. Apple headphones. Just going, just going.

Yeah, Marrakesh was crazy. Face masks. This is nuts. for anyone that's just listening and not watching I'm coming to you live from the recording 25 milligrams that's what she on baby

they brought me to Times Square these girls brought me to Times Square to go through their purse and ignore me I would never Caleb I've been locked in with you since they put me in the Christopher Columbus tier of whites and then they started going through their bags and now they're sharing products

and tips I've been mistreated but I love that you asked this question because when people ask about me and Maria I'm like yo the reason why

we have not made it to the top is because we put our friendship first yeah I'd rather have no money you know

podcasts just doing okay than like us you know have a million dollar deal and then hate each other million dollar deal and this will be

our last episode yeah yeah alright let me head out here we go let me get Y'all keep everything I took out the purse But you know some people who link up

And start doing work together And collaborating and then be duos And they literally hate each other They're just together because they're making money And I said I'd rather not make money And be with my Sydney you cannot keep saying that The universe is listening

When you'd rather have true friendship Than the bag I'd buy a friend I wouldn't, by the way. I'd like to buy a friend. By the way, yeah, not me. I'm different. But God bless.

I love that. Caleb. God bless. Caleb. I would sell either one of you out for $200. And that's why you win the Columbus tier of what? Oh, my God. It all comes back.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I just know it all comes back. Y'all know I'm kidding. oh here's my good white i would do anything to hear my name right now i would do anything name right now god if you can hear me put my name on marie's heart god if you can hear me i just want you to know this has been the messiest episode we've had that's my goal that's my goal

the purse the purse was unacceptable the purse was unacceptable the purse was a stone too far the purse was an affront to me in front of God the purse was not right when I watch a movie of my life

with the Lord and he says why you pull your purse out I'm going to feel like my lips were dry and then he said okay well now you now you get one more chance I was going to go, I sent you the best white to do your podcast and you started going through your purse.

He's going to cry. I need everybody in this room right now that's watching us record this to think of their best white. And I'm going to ask y'all at the end of the episode. I think mine is Dolly Parton, but I don't want to make it all about that. It just kind of came back to that organically. I like her because she's never showed her man. Yeah.

Okay. She keeps him put away. I didn't even know she had a man. He's in hiding. He's in hiding. Yes. She's always had very large breasts. Yes.

But she doesn't act like a triple titty, you know, I mean, not triple, but she doesn't act like a triple D lady. You know, she actually seems very demure. She's a double H, actually. Yeah. Oh, she's a double H. I don't know. It would be funny if I knew that. I didn't know that, Caleb.

As somebody who doesn't care about women so much. Yeah. I didn't say, hold on. Ladies, when did I say I don't care about women? You said fuck women and girl strips and y'all and this and that. But strips the girls. I mean, it's crazy the things y'all can get bent out of shape about. Excuse me?

Well. Pardon. It's crazy. You agree? I agree. Yeah. Because that was the tears in the desert. Yeah.

All of a sudden, someone's crying in the living room. They're like, I just feel like if we're going to sit at the pool, like, everyone should be notified. It's like, come out to the pool, bitch. Like, what is going on? First of all, Marie was high. Come out to the pool, bitch. No, no, no. Marie will not even notify because she's on edibles and just on mushrooms, chilling.

Who goes to the desert And doesn't do shrooms Yeah Your sober best friend Yeah Who took 10 days off To come with you and celebrate Yeah

You know what Saying it like that though It doesn't sound like 10 days off I see where I messed up It sounded like 10 days on Because You invited me Yeah

You invited me That was where you messed up No No Cause that's what I was crying about I was like You don't even need me here Why am I here

Yeah And she was like Wait no I'm happy you're here Wait you were crying too? I hate this I hate this Tell me if you were crying

Hold on She did Because She won't say Because Sydney Is the only person Who Can make me cry

My own tears Yeah And you know I'm good for a good cry Like at least once a year And And it happened in Marrakesh And it happened in Marrakesh

This is twice This is twice The other time you cried was in Tulum, but you cried because you were on mushrooms and you were having a good time. Girl, the mushrooms is throughout. Yeah. Oh. It's a theme of everything.

It's a theme. Well, you know, I like to feel good on my birthday. Yeah. Mushrooms for the table. I want the whole day to feel like I just floated through it and maybe I fell off a camel and maybe my friend cried in a tent while our friend was pooping next to us. Crying my own tears in Marrakesh. Yeah.

Beautiful. That's a memoir. Beautiful. Tears in Marrakesh. I also was having, like, a Schmidlife crisis while we were in Marrakesh. I know. I've been here for a while. I was having a Schmidlife crisis, and I was just like, I'm old.

I can't hang. I need a nap. Like, I'm not fun. I'm sober. She was cranky. Yeah. Also, we was in a car for 11 hours, Marie. Doing that in the middle seat.

And then Marie said, and she's like, girl, you on me. It's like, girl, this dude, like, you're so fake. i am a person of good posture right and i like my personal space yeah we all have at least one friend they like to lean on you they lean on me like sydney is very much a leaner sydney's a put my feet under your butt like you know what i'm saying like sydney is a she's lying but also I am not lying y'all need to know her the seats in the car were like this

and it's four of us on in the loop aisle and Marie was like I'm not sitting in the middle she refused to sit in the middle it's my birthday if I'm in the middle seat and we're doing this and my knee touch you

that's not what happened hold on that's not what happened can I also just call out before you go on I'm addicted to you being like We've never really had mess Cut to Marrakesh Both of you were crying in the Jeep Not the Jeep

In the tent In the Sahara In the Sahara Get it right If you want to This is what I'm saying There's two types of people in the world You're sitting in a car

We turn a corner You lean Obviously That's how gravity works Or whatever You lean in And then you pick up Or

You lean in after the turn And you just stay there Sydney is a state air No I cannot sit next to a state air Marie is a very much My space is my space And I need everybody

Marie will be like This is my space And it's a lot of space She got all the space It's how is it a lot of space She's a tiny girl But the space is wide Tiny girl big space

Tiny girl big space Another title Little people big world There's two types of people In this world Dolly Parton And Sydney's manager There's three types

Of people in the world Dolly Parton Sydney's manager Lizzy Grubman Lizzy Grubman Grubman shout out to you Lizzy where you at where you at girl

I don't even know where we at with time I don't know don't worry about that this has been fabulous wait we have to we need to read a message

yeah we have to do messages and then you know we'll roll you out cause I feel like we got so much we really you really gave girl

we are giving I hope these microphones are on cause if not y'all missed a hell of an episode yeah I would love by the way I've done that I've done

I've done a two hour tour force on someone's podcast and at the end looked over to their producer to be like it's uh well normally the light is this like a joe rogan episode no my joe rogan episode's gonna come out no i'm just kidding i would never that is crazy he wouldn't have me on he's scared wait you would do joe rogan joe rogan i would go on joe rogan and change that young man's life young man i would like to see that actually it's kind of like joe rogan is older than he's old as fuck it was kind of funny to call him young, I thought.

Yeah. I would have, he would be a Bernie supporter by the end of it. You know what's mess? Ageism. I'm about tired of everybody saying, oh, oh, oh,

I bet you are. It really, and the thing is, it's like, if I was in your situation, wait, what's the situation? Okay, Luigi. Well, you're getting up there.

That's assassinating me right now. And you know you're American sweetheart, so you're not going to jail for that. You're saying that you're against ageism

is like when Chick-fil-A has those cows holding the sign that say eat more chicken it's oh can we add luigi to the list of whites oh yeah you're gonna put him good or bad uh where are you putting good until i learned that he got captured at a mcdonald's and then it's like baby that's my number one thing with him well that's why i should have gone there's an olive garden right that's why i think it's not really him altuna was not the move if he did kill that man and i don't free him i don't think he did but if he did kill that man altuna was not the move altuna pennsylvania was not the escape

yeah but also to have the gun with you yeah have like and a letter that's like i did it like yeah why would you here's what i'm going to say about the luigi thing to that ceo that man who had a wife and kids right and a guy who was a normal guy they better his family better hope that i don't get on the jury because luigi's going home i'm sending him home now and i just want to say this is how unserious america is he'll be having meatballs with nana by sunday night i'm sending him home well hold on he's going home he's going home brother i don't care i'm a little interested in what he did is luigi the white oj simpson of this generation he might be no but i'm just saying like in terms of like a trial that will capture the nation it's definitely gonna be bad yeah

for the menendez brothers yeah that was yeah that was before my yeah that was before your time That's interesting. I wasn't a lot when they was buying all that stuff after they shot their parents. Shotgun their parents to death. Oh, how was that ages? Yeah. Because I don't identify as a Menendez brother trial fan. Yeah.

You know what? We got some mess. We'll read some. We have one. We do messages here. We were supposed to do messy and just living, but I feel like the whole episode. Girl, there's no supposed to. This is mess.

Yeah, it is. You're right. It felt like mess. Thank you. Yeah. Here we go. Y'all ready? y'all tapped in walked in the title my friends like him but he likes me period period you know

i'm here for it hey y'all so boom that's the first sentence yeah let's go so boom me and callie are homegirls she tells me there's this fine ass guy that starts at her job and she has a crush his name is henry she brings him around and i can tell he's clearly not into her how you could tell i don't like the way you wrote that friend what you mean as a friend he's clearly not answer sometimes that's how it is you feel good about that you feel good about writing that wishful thinking on her end so over the last seven months we've all hung out as a group about eight of us all together i realized i like the nigga too okay so boom so one day i tell him but only because i thought callie was hooking up with someone else in the group

henry tells me he's digging me too turns out she wasn't hooking up but she later tells me she sees herself marry henry queen mind you he does not like her at all she's just not his speed callie is my delusional queen i love her i would do anything for callie me and henry are vibing od he doesn't want drama because he likes the friend group and he works with callie he doesn't want to hurt her feelings i'm like fuck it just tell her the truth you don't like her life isn't fair am i wrong for this we grown just because you like someone that does not mean you call dibs unless he secretly likes her but i don't think so this is back this back and forth that she wrote but that's how i know she's a psychopath because the way she's like talking to

us talking to herself it's a lot it's well written though yeah because i'm following the train of thought unless he secretly likes her but i don't think so because she's made her interest very known and he hasn't acted at all she thinks he's scared of the pussy wow but me and him made out Callie is so fucking real. Callie is so fucking real. Callie, I love you, girl. Wait, no. Callie is the friend.

This is, you're talking about the friend. The delusional one that thinks he's scared of the pussy? Yes. That's Callie? Yeah. I'm riding with Callie. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. She's on her mind.

I love her. I got one more sentence left. Okay, okay, okay. From the top. He thinks she's scared of the pussy, but me and him made out and I kissed his dick. So, if he wanted to, he would. What you think? Warmest regards.

so yeah what's your thoughts kayla my thoughts is this mess cali's an icon okay henry is irrelevant and this person needs to go fuck someone else if your friend likes him go fuck someone else there's a million people to fuck why does it have to be the person your friend likes that she works with weirdo yeah but why are you trying to hook up with somebody that you work with one of the realest person people i've ever heard of i love cali she's delusional she's messy she's Out of her mind, I'm obsessed with Callie. So is the person who wrote this email, though. Yeah, but she's also delusional and out of her mind as well.

She's out of her mind in a way that's mean to her friend. Yeah, and that's my main issue is the way she— How you write a story is basically how you're going to be perceived. Because I would say, I don't think he's into her, but I was like, he's foolish because why is he not in my friend? My friend is a catch. Our friend is cool. I have never had dick in my life good enough to hurt my friend's feelings about it.

Amen. Ever, ever, ever, ever once. And I've had some good dick. Thank you. Same. Why? There's so many people to fuck. Why does it have to be?

To me, what it is, is there's something unprocessed in you. You're getting off on the fact that he likes you and not your friend. And that is the mess. And that's what I got from the writing. Mess. Thank you for writing this, girl. But you know, we are listening and judging. And I'm going to stay.

We are listening. I'm judging you We're airing it out Yes I'm judging you Based off like Your friendship Yeah Because it doesn't matter

If this guy Likes you or her Whatever The most important thing Is the friendship Oh yeah Also she says Life's not fair

Isn't that more of a reason For you to be fair To your friend Yes Life sucks Why do you have to be a bitch But you can be fair To your friends

Come on But how is this your friend And like For me It's a couple different things One If Henry doesn't like her He needed to say something

That for me is a turn off That you're just like I like We work together And I like the friend group But you don't like my friend Yeah So tell her

Yeah Or make that clear Yeah Don't be in my face And then for her to be like I thought she was hooking up With someone else Is this your friend or not?

Because if it's your friend You would know Because you should know Because you seem to know You are on the find my friend app You know where she at You know who she hooking up with Yeah

Pero What's going on? Henry's nothing to me I care nothing about Henry I don't care about him Also you You can tell this is this is young gals this is a young gal thing because when you're a little bit older

you're like i'm tired i don't i don't care everybody can go i don't have time for this i'm also it does feel young but also girl you know it's you're not gonna be with henry forever so yeah get it in where you fit it in yeah it's like be nice to your friend be nice to her and bang him behind her back yeah marie marie marie you wouldn't i wouldn't but like why would you not tell her that y'all are hooking up. I messed up. Because now I'm looking at the friend that wrote the thing. Yeah. Oh, hey

girl, you know, me and Henry was hanging out this weekend and now she's like, what happened? Well, what did she say? I kissed his dick. I kissed his dick. Well, you know, I think I famously told this story on Unofficial Expert, but like, I hooked up with a friend's ex-boyfriend or fiance.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Whatever the case may be. uh child's father all things equal yeah no that he was her fiance at the time no no no they had it was already done they were no longer you know none of that but i i had came into the group later on and so i missed all that part but you know i will say that's top five things i regret i wish i never did it was not worth it and she ended up like trying to snatch my bangs out of my hair um in a dressing room and it wasn't worth it because what dressing room uh pasha who's in

pasha pasha um downstairs and we were in the dressing room and she was like working that night and i and i was like kind of a go-go dancer but not really i was just that they just they was like sydney we like you you get up there we you know you look a mess but it's fine um but she was like uh you don't work here and i said that's crazy because i just got a tax return from this place yeah so i do i do work here yeah but i was saying this to an og person who actually works there for real and all I know is she lunged after me

tried to snatch my bangs right off and I think shout out to the girl shout out to the girl who did my sew in because it was it was a tat

I think I saw this episode of Badly the bang snatch episode I do remember that but I was delusional because I was like you know she should have been

more understanding it was like girl you hooked up with her ex-fiance behind her back and you were in her face and it was just like it was not good

it was not good girl good friend good girl code it was bad well you know what it is too i think at the end of the day the biggest problem here is y'all gassing henry up exactly if you're gonna send us a letter like this you have to include a photo yeah is he hot enough for y'all to be he's not doing this i need to see henry she said he's fine as hell he's originally said yeah and then she met him and she said he was cute so send we need a part two yeah also if you were good enough friends by the way you should be able to go to your friend and be like i don't think he's vibing with you

but I'm kind of into him. How would you feel about that? You hate it? No worries. You don't mind? But that's why I feel like this is like 22-year-old girls. Yeah, this is young girls. Yeah, this is silly.

Be nice to your friends. They'll have their whole lives to find new friends, have another job and all that. So I'm not too worried about it. But Sydney, a good friend is worth more than gold. A good friend is worth more than a million dollars, Sydney said. So you know what? Don't get rid of a good friend.

And this is what we should end the podcast on. A good friend is worth more than some dick. A good friend is worth more than gold, right? Marie did not want to give that hand over Marie did not want to give that hand over I'll tell you that Wow I know you like your personal space friend Lean on me

When you're not strong When you're in the car And we made the curse Come on Caleb I love you so much You are you know if I had to be top White you are you're there You're in the top 10

You want to be top 5 I mean I would love to be number 1 There's no reason why not. Number one. But it didn't feel, someday you're going to tell me that, and I'm going to believe it. But I don't think I've earned it yet, and I'm going to keep working on it. You're going to work. I'm going to work.

I know you're good at your job. I'm going to give you $500. I'm going to get you one flight to Kansas City, and then I'll feel that I'm there. You don't even need to, I mean, if you're going to get the flight, get the flight. But I'm just saying, like, you know, show me what's going on in Kansas City. I'll take you to some barbecue in Kansas City that will change your life. That's what I'll do. And he's the ambassador.

he puts on for his city so i know he's gonna show you around and do it yeah you're all you're both gonna come and you're gonna come out of it thinking man as far as white people go caleb tell everybody i mean everyone knows everyone is following you but tell us you know where they can find you and what you got coming up oh they should watch my god uh we'll go uh so true pod is my podcast please go watch and listen to it if you like um we're having we're having great guests on there have had sydney would love to have you marie you need to come on sometime and caleb says things if you want to follow me uh you know you can follow me on tiktok i'm not posting on there but i post on my instagram story that's really me so come check into those it gives very facebook

on moms so yeah i'm giving facebook mom on insta story for sure i'm sharing like i'm genuinely i'm sharing like memes that are like good morning happy tuesday yes you are what a blessing it is to be alive i'm sharing stuff like that please share a poem with waves crashing in the background so i can repost easily easy that's literally what i'm doing on there so yeah you guys will Love it. Come over there. That's me. Anyway, I guess we'll see you next week.

This was amazing. Thank you, friend. Mess with Sidney Washington and Marie Faustin is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio podcast. Created and hosted by Sidney Washington and Marie Faustin. Executive produced by Olivia Aguilar and Han Sani. Super produced by Becca Ramos.

Edited and mixed by Brian Jeffries. If you would like your messages read on air, please email us at messthepodcast at gmail.com or call for your messages to be played at 763-280-6588.