MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Cowardly Lions Are Not My Type

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

Slinging and slapping dick. He she they y'all.Sugar daddy-ing down the game. Minnesota 10, New York 7. Close your eyes open your legs. Lazy eye for the win. Cowardly lions are not my type. Her cups ran over. Espedrils and Sancerre. We had sodomy. What are you saving yourself for? What the fuck is joe Rogan talking about? Clock out, login.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcast----FOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog are you recording sydney i am okay cool it wasn't a charged question what is this what is this energy is this what we doing on the pod today these are rude lashes you know the pod is always good when i'm spicy so you're recording as well marie yes i am sir we can start the episode right cheer hi guys can we clap sorry let's clap yeah okay three two one three two one we can include everything i love all of it include the claps hi guys yeah hey uh i mean let's start friend are you ready it's me marie and sydney picante washington muy muy muy spicy yeah yeah yeah Andrew Guacamole.

He's mild. Mild. Mild. Andrew Mild. He's giving us a mild. Mild McGuire guy. Mild McGuire guy. What's up?

Honestly, I woke up today and I felt good. Right? I woke up. Okay. And I was like, Beach, you've been talking about going grocery shopping since, I want to say, New Orleans. and we've been back from New Orleans, I feel like for three months.

So, I mean, it's just felt easier for me to go out and pick up something to eat from like a black owned place or like a pizza place or I just, I've been eating out a lot more than usual. It's too much, friend. It's too much. I was like, oh my God, last year we saved so much money

and I was like, we are losing all of the money. bleeding bleeding losing it it's insanity yeah and i i don't want to spend another dime but i also don't want to cook i'm not trying to preheat my stove to 400 and nothing degrees yeah not in this heat wave listen i used my oven for the first time in months oh to uh heat up some canned biscuits yeah yeah i made some biscuits for the pilsbury dose yeah i made that for uh fourth of july gathering white people juneteenth i did that and uh yeah the oven hasn't been on since so i salute you friend i salute you i'm supporting the troops that are out there getting groceries last night I wanted pasta because you know Matteo's in Italy posting like his like you

know Italian dishes it's like a tiny portion on like a big white plate so good and I was like oh I got out of swimming I said oh I really want some pasta but I want an Italian person to cook it or maybe like a Mexican in the kitchen or something like that you know what I mean uh so I googled pasta i just put in italian food and i called this one place oh my god i called this one place and i ordered uh they didn't have pasta i ordered like a kale salad and a pizza okay that's the opposite of what you wanted right it is it is it is but everything was closing at 10 and i was making all these calls at 9 30 so i called them and i made the order and then i was like but i really want some pasta so i found this other place and i called them and they're like yeah

yeah you can come pick it up and i was like should i call the other place to cancel and then i didn't call the other place to cancel maureen i know but i figured somebody that worked there took that kale salad home but did you but wait did you pay no you were gonna go there no i went i had to go pick it up i had to go pick it i had to go pick it up so i went to pick it up and you know i got a beef bolognese or whatever however you say that yeah yeah yeah little rigatoni moment oh my god that sounds delicious they threw a little ciabatta bread in the bag i was like i was decadent you know oh my god i i'm sure you went right to sleep after that uh you know i did not you know you know i was up for many several hours um girl i had some old uh fried rice chicken fried rice

and I passed the fuck out. Passed out. How old? Maybe two days old. Okay, yeah, that's in the window. Yeah, I think it's fine. I think after three days, you know, you should start throwing it out.

I think it depends on what it is. I think fried rice, like New York fried rice, you get one to two days. After the third day, it tastes like the refrigerator. Not one to two days. Yeah, one to two days. Yeah, no. If I get food, like the pasta that I got last night,

I ate the leftovers just now for breakfast slash lunch. Yeah, that's how it works. You should order it and then eat it the next day, and then it should be done. You should not be holding on to it for seven days. Yeah, you hoarding fried rice for seven days, seven nights? We know how I am. We know how I do.

But more importantly, Marie, not only should you be getting whatever food you want, somebody, somebody should be making it for you. And that is the more important conversation we should be having. The conversation that they are not ready to have is that my good sis, Marie, Samuel, Faustin, hot. I'm talking about beautiful bone structure, amazing personality. Look at the hair. Look at the cornrows straight back.

she's so beautiful so mean so funny wow and she should have a line around the corner she should have a date on top of dates and it's it's upsetting me it's infuriating me because we can tell because listen before the pandemic we were all having problem dating yeah during the pandemic awful now now that we have the right to be outside the fact that you guys are not slinging and slapping dick all over my friend's face and forehead. Yo, slinging and slapping dick. That's the name of the episode. It is. Slapping. Slinging

and slack. Slacking? Slapping. Slapping dick. Slinging and slapping dick. I'm upset. It's making me mad. It's making me so mad. And it's not just you. I have so many really good friends that are that are like struggling in July.

I love the passion. I love the passion. They're struggling in July to get a decent date. what the fuck are y'all doing over there what are you waiting for okay are you waiting for my friends are you waiting for my friends to approach you they're not they're not approaching you so i need you to get the golf i need you to get it inside of you to be like hey can i take you on a nice date not get inside of you not that red bull hidden tonight oh i am i am curious i'm so mad i am i am you know um kermit the frog the gif where he's like waving his arms yeah that is me right now because my friends are able-bodied people okay sydney we you gotta let us break

down everything that you said okay this dissertation sorry you monologuing all right you're right you're okay first of all i just want to say one thing that stood out in your passionate speech is you that we were struggling during the pandemic i actually was not struggling during the pandemic remember i was thriving during the pandemic sexually um that is uh canceled and no longer the case now but i i don't know why dating is so hard everything that is a simple task that used to be easy feels uh so overwhelming right now for for me um and i think for a lot of people and every day I wake up and I'm like why do I date men it's it really doesn't make any sense to me at all the more I think about it um yeah but I'm I'm gonna tell you as a lesbian it was

just as hard it was just as hard if not harder and it's I think it's people all together it It doesn't matter if you're he, she, they, y'all. Dating across the board is unbearable right now. It's unbearable. I actually really love he, she, they, y'all. I like that as well. He, she, they, y'all. He, she, they, y'all.

Yeah, dating is bad across the board. But, like, I agree with you. People should definitely be slinging and slapping dicks all up into my home. um because like i'll talk to certain people like we were talking to our friend on the phone the other day and he got he's got women upon women like options upon options and it's like okay yeah i mean i want that too but the work that it takes for me to like first of all continue a conversation with a man on an app it's like it's like i don't even really but this week i i rallied right on monday there go the red bull i see it um on monday i because i go through periods of time where i

won't even look at any of my apps right and then like there'll be like a 20 minute window once a week where i'm just like swiping i'm like lol-ing i'm sending smiley faces and then when those people finally respond to me i've already i've already checked out i've already checked out but i had a couple interesting conversations this week with men believe it or not um this one dude was like uh my profile says um i love a man that can cook or something like that the weight of my heart is through my stomach j'adore a man that can cook and this guy was like what kind of cuisine do you like i love cooking for my friends oh i love that okay so what should i mean he he you know he's not my type, but he might be.

He might be our type for the summer is what I'm saying. Okay. Now I'm going to start. Now this is when I get problematic. We're going back into it. No, this is when I'm getting problematic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. I'm looking

on my phone and I'm seeing some of the most bobblehead Cabbage Patch Kid faced people living their best life right they're on trips people are depositing money into their accounts right they're on boats they're getting their rent paid um they're they're they're they're going to many destinations that i'm talking from cancun to italy like wait i'm talking cancun to tulum yes

all around the world they're going no wait andrew what's the question wait i'm you're explaining these people they're not my friends they're not my friends you're you're explaining a lot of things that you've been doing recently like you traveled in the past year as a friend yeah it was a friend trip it was a friend trip what are you talking about the boat the my pussy was not popped not one time not not by me not by me and the boat and the boat that we were on was actually a greyhound that was on the sea so yeah the boat was a spirit airlines yeah plane that the wings broke off yeah So what are you talking about? Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm following other people that don't know me, and I'm looking at their life, and I'm like, how come my friend doesn't have this? How come we don't have that? I think I've realized what it is. Some of our standards are too high. I think, you know, as a Libra, I like things that are aesthetically pleasing.

I like things that are balanced. I like a symmetrical face. but a lot of these dudes that are flying these women out and and buying them rolexes and sugar daddying down the game are sugar daddying down the game yes um they i like that title i love that title yeah they um a lot of them have poor unfortunate faces and bodies and they are generous because you know they got friend friend i have to stop you there i've been looking and these guys are not unfortunate looking faces or bodies like they're okay they're they're a solid seven solid seven solid seven seven is are you sure they're not sixes no they're seven they're

sevens marie okay listen now you now this is where i'm gonna get on you now i'm gonna get on you A 7 in New York is still like a 10 in Minnesota. So you got to. Girl, don't nobody want to date no Minnesota 10. Yeah. Yeah, you got to stop. You just got. You have to take a moment and you have to close your eyes.

You have to close your eyes. I'm supposed to swipe if my eyes are closed. Close your eyes and open your heart, friend. No, no, no, no. Close your eyes. Open your legs. Yes, close your eyes. Open your legs.

um but also you don't have to have sex with everybody that you you don't apps you don't but i'm just like you should be doing more i should not be calling you and you're like i'm at a show you should be like hey bitch i'm actually you know not in town i'm gone i'm at a show in spain yeah i would love that sydney i understand that and i have opened my eyes a little bit Or I'm shutting them so I could swipe on these people who I'm not physically attracted to. And that's, I think, where I get stuck or one of the places I get stuck

because I'll go on these sprees where I'm like, oh, he seem nice. Oh, you know, his eyes aren't all the way, you know, symmetrical, but, you know. I love a lazy eye. I love a lazy eye. Lazy eye for the win. Lazy eye for the win.

I love that. No. So I, I'll look at the lazy eye and overlook it. Lazy high. Right, right, right, right. Anyway. So then when they start to respond to me, I'm like, ew, like, why did I, who is this? Like, I'll forget that I was in a different headspace when I was swiping. But for me, the best way for me to meet people is to be outside. if i didn't put my guard down most of my straight career i would have never had sex i would have never had sex i would have never had any real if i was like i need them to have boom boom boom boom boom on the list i would i would have been a virgin yes but baby we talked about them in the used to date and they wasn't catches babe but not one not well no actually one is a doctor now so i had did have one catch yeah but the doctor what were you doing when you were with the doctor weren't you talking to somebody else yeah i was in college being a whore yeah but i'm

just saying i'm just like i would have never ever i wouldn't have a list a cvs receipt list of people i've had sex with if i had my standards higher you know you got to put them low so that your legs can go high go high touch the sky when their face is low your legs go high thank you michelle obama from the south side of chicago and i and i i to be honest i have not dated that many women i have not dated that many i can count on my hands how many women i've like dated or well You have two hands, sis. So how many hands do you need? I think in my whole life I might have dated seven women.

That's seven more than me. You're not a lesbian. You're not a lesbian. Well, seven is a lucky number seven. It's a decent amount of... Sis, there are people who haven't dated seven people in their lives. It's people that get with one person, high school sweetheart, college sweetheart, whatever,

and they're with that and we call those people fools losers no you're a fool virgins no i mean i just feel like life is for living so like go out and do some wild stuff obviously don't get you know kidnapped or taken or murdered or whatever but like yeah you know experience some different things like when i made we were we were having um we had a conversation it was like a monday morning zoom or whatever and uh and uh we were making lists of all the people we had slept with and my list is very black and white there's no other races or ethnicities on my list and so i was like oh i gotta talk to like a brown dude i gotta get you know like an asian in there like a you know like a cool asian too like a like oh um you know what i mean yeah i guess you know

what i mean yeah sure sure sure um but yeah then when i'll see these people on these apps i don't know i just need to meet you have to get off you have to get off the app and you but the thing is Marie I'm gonna say this to the to the people I know we said last week we need to stop having people who are fans come up to us and think that they know us but I also need people to stop thinking that Marie is so intimidating that you you can't go on a date with her no I'm fine with them thinking that because the people who do fall through the cracks are the people who are like okay this is somebody that like they if you could stand on your own two feet in front of me then you're my type more so than someone that's like oh i saw you earlier tonight like messaging

me later like y'all gotta stop y'all gotta stop oh so you know i i was there the whole time but i just couldn't yeah come up no no i didn't quite have the courage that's yeah i'm sorry cowardly lions are not my type okay cowardly lions are not my type no i think we like already reached like the never there's no there's no i'm not saying that there's a cap i'm just saying that there's no cap you passed the okay and you tell us what we have so far okay so we of course started off the episode with slinging and slapping dick um he she they y'all sugar daddying down the game and then i wrote one down that you did not say as a title but i loved this minnesota 10 new york 7 close your eyes open your legs lazy eye for the win and what was the this one that you just said

cowardly lions are not my type okay i like that this is good we're doing great cute today yeah yeah this is a beautiful this is a beautiful and i really like the minnesota 7 new york 10 or whatever the hell the the mathematics was on that yeah yeah i just i think that yes one you gotta have confidence and you can't be scary obviously because that's not marie's type but y'all have to get it out of your heads that somebody is intimidating i don't i i want to normalize intimidating people just being normal people and you are scared they're not intimidating you just don't you are not confident enough to talk to them they're not intimidating just because their their their posture is right and they're having a good time and they're attractive

and laughing that doesn't mean they're scary and you can't come up to them yeah um step up your self-esteem please yeah I understand that we're all kind of riddled with anxiety right now and we're all you know covered in just overwhelming whatever but there are people who come to talk to me after shows and I'll be looking at them like now how how dare you like you got a lot of nerve and they you know just the jankiest like Disney villain face and like legit will look like um remember in Aladdin when Jafar was like disguised as like that that old man in the in the jail that they've been looking like that like yeah not a sturdy not a sturdy shoe in sight just wobbling the knees be knocking together and they just talking to me

freely yeah like that's we should all be trying to emulate that energy just we really should and it's actually if we if we moved in the the world with that type of confidence we would get a lot more yeses than nos oh okay come on sydney's ted talk i'm just saying you know i the the thing is i i watched this stupid um tiktok and it's like what if you try something and it failed and then the tiktok is basically like but if you failed that means you lived so the fact that you are trying that is good enough like you're doing it you did it you're not always going to get

a yes but know that you went out there and tried it's okay to get a no ladies it's okay to get a no if you go up to somebody and they are like I'm good keep going keep going not keep going not them

not to them but keep going to somebody and I think that's what cis straight men have learned and they've taken it to the to a level that's unbearable but a no is not the end of the world for them they're like there's somebody else that's why that's why the apps are bad in terms of men because it is a game they're like they just have to keep going keep swiping it doesn't mean if they have a real connection or not it's like i'm on here right i'm doing my part i'm right here i mean that is true

I think that it's, especially now, it's kind of easy to be like, oh, I'm not ready, or to be like, to swipe through a bunch of things, or to be like, well, I like this person, but what are my other options? Like, what are some better is out there? And then you look up one day, and all this time has passed, and you haven't done nothing with nobody. Yeah. And it's like, who gonna pop my top? you gotta you gotta get your pop you gotta get your top popped at least three times this summer and that is the goal okay well i've already got my top popped once so okay so you got two more well i mean i got more than two left in me sis but i'm saying three three is that's i feel like

you should have three that should be the least amount i should be getting my pop top three times a week minimum honestly that's how i feel i agree friend but like you know not all of us is getting our pop top and top pop top pop or whatever and it's i'm over here i'm so horny marie same i'm so horny i've i've used my vibrator during the day too many times like i know that my neighbor is looking down on my couch and be like what does this bitch work you said looking at your neighbor is looking down at you do that wendell no i'm doing it on the couch because you know my bed has a lot of uh clothes on it so i thought you were gonna say cats on it a lot of no i have i I have respect for the clothes that's on the bed.

I can't. I can't masturbate with the clothes on the bed. No. Not the clothes that I'm going to put on me. You know, just in case I squirt on the clothes. Not the pretty little thing. No. Yeah.

The pretty little things don't deserve the squirt. Yeah, not the she-in, sis. Yeah. The she-in doesn't make me squirt. So there it goes. Listen, listen, listen. I mean, daytime masturbating is a beautiful thing. yeah but the thing is is that when the sun is on and you come then you're like oh like i need to

cover up i i feel there's some type of yeah there's a little bit of shame to it because it's almost like all right well i don't want to do anything now so now i i gotta take a nap well you were gonna take a nap anyway sydney don't do that you were planning on taking the nap just schedule the masturbation before the nap well i masturbated before the pod so i know andrew you told me to not be inappropriate anymore on the pod but there is something very specifically that yes you know a few steps further along right it was you basically it was andrew basically said don't masturbate on the podcast that's right okay that is yeah well i i masturbated before the podcast because i didn't need that type of energy i didn't need to go in with that you're coming

with a whole other energy yeah this is the post-masturbation energy yeah yeah you need to take a nap after you masturbate i do on one you know what it is she cranky she masturbated she's tired she wants to take a nap but she got the podcast betwixt the nap and the and the jizzing yeah so yeah and it was just like it was crazy because now i can't even like watch porn like Porn is doing nothing for me. It's all, I got to think about stuff in my head. I don't need to see a video or I just have to think of things

that have happened to me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's where y'all at? Yeah. I mean, I'm thinking about things that have happened or things that could happen. Ooh, fantasies.

What, what, what, what, what, what's your fantasy? Oh, I was going to say, see the fantasy, baby. No. I was going the other way. No, that's not the way that we're going. We want the ludicrous version. I want to lick you from your head to your toes.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the fantasy too. That's what I want right now. That's what I want for you, friend. I mean, you should be getting your back blown out, and we should be taking on a dinner date, both of us. I should be your third. Listen, listen, listen to what I'm about to say to you right now.

Okay. I hear you, and I receive that with light and love, and I'm about to start letting these ugly old people take me out on dates. so when if and when I say girl come on we're going to we're going to Jonathan's house I need you to be like okay I'm pulling up and then when we get to Jonathan's I need you to be like oh Jonathan like this oh he look like Mr. Burns I don't have a problem with that I have no problem with that I'm I am down I'm here to be the the third wheel I'm here to be the unicycle whatever you need me to be a unicycle yeah unicycle is one wheel yeah but i'll be the masturbating

i'll be the wheel and you guys be on on my back no baby sweetie no you could have said the tricycle you said you said the third and then you said unicycle this red bull is doing too much okay yesterday yesterday i went to um i went to dinner with a friend um and across from us was this couple and obviously the girl's friend. This young man was on a date with this, she had to be a G-titty, G-titties, just huge. Oh, G-titties. G-titties.

They were pouring out of the bra and the dress. Okay, her cup runneth over. Oh, no, her cup was on the floor. And then she had her little flat-chested friend next to her being the third wheel. she coming in with a cardigan and everything and i wanted to just get up and be like no no this is wrong this is wrong it she the girl was i guess being the third well she looked so uncomfortable and happy and i was unhappy and i was like babe order everything on the menu if

you're gonna be the third will and flat chested get what you deserve well first of all wow flat chested uh hate um there's people who listen to this podcast that got a cup titties that scoop in okay there's nothing there's nothing wrong I was mad at her g-tittied friend for like having her titties all the way out and a man it's like babe you can't bring me on a date have your titties out and the niggas next to us like you gotta pick one well maybe it was her sister it was not her sister she was not giving sister vibes she was like girl I'm just here to make sure that this boy don't um touch you inappropriately well what was what was he bringing to the table what he look like did he look like he had a third leg let's talk about it no no he just he i mean to

be honest he was definitely of age but he was giving me bar mitzvah oh he had on a shiny vest he had like a button down you know he had the side bang situation he had like the pants from Kohl's, just like lots of pockets, possibly his mother dressed him. But he has a lot of money, but he has a lot of money. You could tell he had tons of money. You could tell. Yeah. Yeah. We were at Blue Ribbon Sushi Place. It's nice.

It's like that. And the G-Tiddy girl was drinking white wine down. Oh, she wasn't white sake. That's why. Oh, no, no, no. It was it was Pinot Grigio on the house. Hmm. her cup runneth over her cups ran over it's ran over i i mean she did she wasn't giving me sancerre vibes because sancerre is like like an older woman not sancerre

a little gruner i like a little gruner oh gruner is very sweet no it's not yeah isn't it sweet no No, I don't think so. Pinot Grigio, Riesling, Chardonnay. Those are the sweet white wines. I just want to be on a date with you, Marie. I want to have fun. I want the guy to trick out and get stuff for the table. I want him to order everything for us.

Okay, all right. And so we can have like a sampler. Okay, all right. I want a little samplers. Okay, everybody gets two apps and then entree. Yes. They like bring all the desserts out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll do the a la mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring it out. um okay sydney that's you know what uh i also hadn't really been going on dates because i've been doing shows but yeah next week i got some openings good so i think that we should i'm a i'm a def get some some fangs on the books for next week um and i'm going to follow through with these wow these these men you know like when you get an old pair of converse and they like have holes where the toes come out a little bit yeah that's what some of these men on these apps

be looking like so it's fine I think we should go to the frying pan remember I mentioned that like years ago the frying pan it's like a boat oh yeah yeah let's go it's a it's a docked boat it's like seafood and beer and stuff like that but I think we should you love taking a lap I'll take many laps around you know we'll wear we'll wear our espadrilles and talk shit I don't I've never owned a pair of espadrilles in my life we'll have espadrilles and talk shit espadrilles and talk shit thank you that's the title okay whoa whoa whoa andrew how is dating going for you sweetie oh i am i am in a relationship however the craziest thing you said i i can't relate hon you'll love this big t big t big t molly molly sized t yeah uh i received a text late last

last week um in the night let me pull it up okay hey man hey man one word i don't have this this contact saved hey man one word it's just like one word no space hey man he didn't even bother to put the space in between the next morning i text him who is this and he said this is sean is this andrew and chelsea and i'm like well not in chelsea anymore but yeah and i'm thinking this is the homeless guy yes okay i'm thinking it's him i have my my text that like automatically delete after like six months so i don't have any text yeah but that's how you keep the cloud clear i'm gonna yeah my phone storage is full too i'm gonna start deleting automatically it's nice and and i was like who sean who and he was like we we met and chilled

before and i asked for a picture oh this is definitely a black guy we met and we met and chilled before also hey man hey man was getting beige but we met um and so i didn't want to jump to conclusions and say like hey are you the person that like we met at 3 a.m on the street yeah yeah you never give yourself away like that right because like what if i was wrong right yeah and um and so i had him like explain the entire situation to me just to just to confirm okay he said we met close to your apartment one night when i was headed to a bar to meet some friends came over and chilled for a bit screaming we kept in touch and then the pandemic happened that happened in july of 2019 he's making it sound like it it would happen like

a february right full two years full two years the lies that's 365 times dos the lies so um he's back i don't know i'm like you know he's i mean he's he's thinking about it which i think is flattering that is very flattering it is flattering but also it's like i'm judging you a little bit you haven't had cute sex in two years that's what i'm saying i'm like what don't judge don't judge a full two years don't judge i think after you after the conversation after me just pouring my heart out for 30 minutes about the dating atmosphere don't judge were you pouring your heart out or were you

judging everybody in the dating world in the dating realm you said the g-titty girl how dare she you mad at the flat chested cardigan in the summertime girl and now you're saying girl don't judge

but you know what that's how it is sometimes sometimes you have really really good sex with somebody and it makes you sit and you're like well what the hell was i doing before if that's what sex is supposed to feel like and then everyone you have sex with after that you compare it to that person who made you i don't know levitate um and then some people i don't know some people don't know what they're missing and they just be having just dry vanilla ice cream cone sex you know yeah i know there was something really great about like because when you were talking about masturbating

to memories that sort of thing and like that is like that moment with with hey man sean is like you know what i returned to a lot of times really because it was like because there was like not like you know when you wow app when you meet someone on an app there's so much work that goes in the conversation you got a spell check exactly there's something so nice about like hey we're just like already here at the same time we're already like we just vibed and then had sodomy you know sodomy we had sodomy we had sodomy that's hilarious um yeah i mean i had a dude that i used to deal with before the pandemic reach out to me recently and um he's kind of been in my dms for a while and we've been kind of tiptoeing around it but this week he was like how how does

how's your week look um uh it's been a minute would love to see you and that is honestly that's that's the language that i feel like i need to hear i feel like a lot of men will try to like play it cool or what you doing you you know w-y-d-u and it's like no use your words boo-boo i know you know how to use words use that if you don't know how to use your words use your tongue well if you don't use your words properly how is your tongue gonna get to my house true because i'm not coming to your house with the the one flat pillow with no pillowcase yeah you're right no no no no okay that's fair so yeah you know i think uh you know i might i might i might do that little tbt this week if if possible you think so maybe um you know i'm not

against it i'm not against i'm just i'm just asking i'm asking like you know yeah girl for me it's easier to just do that but i i don't want to i don't want to wake up and be 56 years old and sitting in an apartment by myself not an apartment i'll be in a house by 56 i don't want to be sitting in my house at 56 alone because i didn't have the follow-through i didn't i couldn't make the effort you know what i mean like i i don't want the stuff that i'm doing right now to come back and bite me in the ass later i really i i mean i would rather just let somebody bite me in the ass um but i i don't know so that's why i hear everything that you're saying and i'm i'm proud of you for saying that out loud friend actually what that i don't want to be 56 and

single yeah well i just if i am 50 like okay it's different if i meet somebody we have like a whirlwind thing you know i live in italy for a year because i met somebody on ebrejo part two yeah you know what i mean or i like marry somebody and then it doesn't work out and then i'm 56 and i'm alone that's different than not ever like truly connecting with somebody and like experience experiencing freaky deaky sexy beautiful love together um because it's like what are you saving yourself for the what are you saving yourself for that's a fucking that's the motherfucking title i love that i fucking love that more than we did sodomy together okay you're right but i'm just saying what are you saving yourself for could be the you know the little um you should you that

could go in the bible and you honestly all of these titles could go in the bot in the description of the episode okay right like if yeah no context right no context like they'll figure it out got it okay but maria what you're saying is is so real because people are so scared to like fail and to fuck up and it's just like you can't be scared anymore what what if you fail you can get back up and start over again it's not the end of the world but truly the worst fuck up that you could actually do is not living your life yeah because when you're old and gray and your pubes is gray and your your beard hairs is gray when you're old and gray you're not gonna regret the stuff that you did you'll regret all of the crap that you did not do realistically you're you might

feel bad about oh man I don't I can't believe I said that or whoo like I can't believe I banged that guy on that stoop right but yeah ultimately the stuff that you don't do in your life is the stuff that you're gonna be like man like I can't believe I didn't do that or I can't believe someone offered me blank and I didn't take it um just do all the stuff that you want to do so that like when you write your memoirs in your brain later you'll be like whoa i lived a life beach yeah i mean i can i can say that i was i'm kind of annoyed that like i got my shit together when i was older because all of my memories are from you know pre sobriety you know as a sober person I'm not making as many dumb choices there I'm still

making dumb choices but not not as reckless I've done some reckless shit yeah but I feel like you when your youth is for reckless activity yeah your youth is for reckless things your like 30s is for like like mess that you can pay for like your 30s you can like do messy things but like you should be able to afford a lawyer right yeah um and then your 40s i don't know that 40s 50s 60s that's midlife crisis territory and that's when people the the recklessness re-emerges yeah but in a different way you you buy a car that you don't need you buy ed hardy jeans you bang a 21 year old you know what i mean like maybe you cheat on your family like that's 40 50 60s cheat on your family guys please fuck those kids have that affair are you saying get divorced or no no no

no no don't don't ever fuck kids i'm saying like fuck those kids whatever if you if you're staying in a relationship for the kids the kids will be fine it's okay if you get a divorce be worse because y'all stayed in that unhappy situation yeah you might be messing those kids up more than you know yep but also the rent is too damn high so i i get it damn high i get it yeah marie and also i just want you know we will always be together like you and i i know it's not enough like but we always have each other so yes it is definitely not enough but thank you appreciate appreciate us always being together you you in a relationship you you are the girl with the g titties and i'm the flat chested girl in the cardigan on a date with y'all this is what you

you do you really believe that marie don't sydney when you said we'll always have each other it's giving it's like foreshadowing i see it in my brain like that's so raven i just had with this little bar mitzvah boy with this little bar mitzvah boy well the bar mitzvah boy is you know is your boo sis wow we will not say that about my boo because your your boo's bar you said that he look rich so you know okay yeah i guess you're right why are why are we so messy but in the best way we're not messy i think that people are listening to this right now and they're like either yes they're in a relationship and they're happy and we yuck but i think a lot of people understand where we're coming from dating it was already

hard right dating was already hard because we were like you trying to like present yourself in the best way so somebody will want you but also you want to be on the same page with the person that you like plus you need them to look a certain way plus you need the dick to be good plus you need it's plus they have to want what you want it's too much man like I realized that yes when I met my current you know girlfriend it all of it sounds crazy it was just like we don't know each other this is we live far blah blah blah but like if I didn't take a risk then I wouldn't be where I am right now and where I am right now is I'm really happy like I'm really happy yeah I'm masturbating in the day but happy horny yep yeah it's I remember when I was not

horny at all and we can I can never go back to that oh remember when I wasn't horny yeah but like you know times have changed sis you are in a different place then yeah i'm very like i'd rather medicated now yeah but i don't want to be horny all the time really you want to be horny all the time i mean i want to be horny all the time for the person that i'm with that's it that's a no for you what about you andrew i'm just like being horny all the time for the person that you're with sure but like you're not even like geographically in the same place so that doesn't seem so you're just horny right yeah for real well you get out there and not be horny for you know several years and you'll see where i'm coming from i was not horny for five

years and it was the scariest thing i was like my pussy is broken like the inside of my pussy does not work it's dead i thought it was dead i mean to be fair there are people who are asexual that exist i'm not wishing this on you i'm not putting that on you but right there are people who are asexual and they exist and they live i was gonna say fulfilling lives i don't know if they fulfill they live they live lives yeah they out here i don't know we should definitely try to find an asexual like expert on here yeah but what we gonna talk about work

no how like we gonna talk about Schitt's Creek what we gonna be talking about see that's that's not a positive way to to promote asexuality Marie I'm not trying to promote asexuality I'm

I recognize that it exists you're saying you want to talk to them they not gonna be talking about sex we're gonna be like so what are you the expert in not having sex or not that's okay but it's okay to not want to have sex the conversation is three seconds long sis it's three sentences tell us about you okay yeah i don't need sex i'm i have a thriving pottery business okay well thanks for being on the pod uh i don't know anybody that's asexual do you no no i don't not anybody who's telling me about it yeah well because of because of the energy look at you you're like whatever you're gonna talk about pottery well because you you want to have an asexual expert on

what's the conversation sydney what kind of questions would you ask them pretend it's me um how is it how are you able to navigate a sexually driven like society without like how do you meet people who are like you oh um and how do you and like what bonds do you have and so y'all go to bed y'all see each other naked you feel nothing no i sleep in a shirt uh like we like we need to pull no bottoms um and uh you know i just do i don't want to i feel no sexual desire i don't need a release i just you know i fill my time with books that would be the episode i fill my life with books well does the asexual person need to be the asexual expert could they be like an expert in anything else they would have to be yeah and then the asexual

thing is just like you know a cherry on top and we go oh you know we react to them saying that but like a whole 60 minute or a 75 minute episode talking to somebody who's not sexually attracted to anybody i like that okay you're right so we're looking for an asexual person but also has another expertise oh my god you gotta have you have to have two and two i would rather rather talk to somebody who was like poly or um you know i feel like for me the questions are well how do y'all make this work what's the jealousy aspect here like i would rather talk to a hoe um than somebody who's uh like a welder that's asexual okay well but you put the call out there if if if you're either one of those things you know who to call sydney no yeah people were saying that your phone

number was still on your page they did they did so that and i was like what the fuck dude but i i took it down god is god is jesus is real and he was concerned sydney i know but you the day before yeah yeah but you know what made me upset that i was not getting any calls nobody nobody called me not one person called wait did anybody like text you and was like hey just by the way no nobody texts me nothing i was like i was like wow now you guys want to respect me that's weird well you know sis you you scared them last week you were yelling at them did i yeah no you did yell at them definitely yelling at them they were in the comments like i'm just leaving this comment because sydney yelled at us so sydney doesn't hit me right so sydney doesn't hit me are you kidding

me stop i listen i it all comes from love guys it all comes from love because even though you guys write really nice things to us and you dm us and you follow us and you tweet about us i feel like sometimes we are overlooked sometimes we are not in these lists sometimes we are not recognized for the good work that we're doing right and it's annoying it it it sometimes it hurts my feelings i know that none of this stuff matters but i'm being honest while we're being transparent yeah it does hurt my feelings sometimes i'm like i know that the people who follow us love us right so what the fuck is the problem why are we not on the charts so nobody listens nobody who listens to the podcast is is making a list or charts none of y'all write for vulture or doesn't wait serena

serena williams husband the creator of reddit says that he listens to this show allegedly oh wait when did he say that where's the post for that because i don't remember that conversation that might have been july 2019 when andrew was banging that homeless man when did that yeah yeah what did that conversation when did that like i think it's like i remember going through your tagged unofficial experts tagged photos and being like wait a second this is the creator of reddit that posted this honestly i feel like some of y'all are on reddit just go ahead and throw the unofficial expert just mention it start a bunch of forums or something for us you know what it is Marie we're not as um I mean we're not really putting our business out there anymore we're not any we're

not doing anything that salacious it's it's a tough one some of the top podcasts on um Spotify are not salacious at all it's a lot of people listening to Joe Rogan he's not being salacious he's just actually have no idea what he's talking about yeah what the hell is joe rogan talking about can someone tell us should we have joe rogan on the podcast can you put joe can you put it in the comments what the fuck is joe rogan talking about exactly y'all everybody is a fear factor fan from the early 2000s no but he is the highest rated podcast of all the podcasts so if joseph elizabeth rogan can do it why can't we um anyway um i guess we should maybe wrap this up um wait do we have i think we have um

we might have an email though do we see that we haven't read there's so many we haven't read he sent he sent to us and then we were like oops yeah i'm not sure which ones you've read at this point which we only read one last week i think maybe like is it oh wait i have it do you have them okay yeah let's see how long this is from katherine yes katherine come on kathy give it to me okay hi marie sydney and andrew love love love this podcast i started listening to you at the beginning of the pandem after laughing so hard when y'all guessed guessed it on ask me another oh sydney remember we did ask me another and we did we fully took over those white people's podcasts oh my god listening to your pod gets me through my work day your episode on black lives

matter has helped me explain what the f is going on in a very clear manner to some of my not so woke friends in fact i posted the episode on my social media on all of my social media i look forward to the pod every week and i'm glad andrew is talking more the three of you are such a cute and hot family thank you for the laughs and sending you lots of love your way oh wait which one is katherine oh she's giving jessica rabbit very cute what's the body looking like let me see the body's not in the is not in none of the shots but she's wait no no you scroll down it's oh yeah yeah here we go katherine you know who she also looks like she kind of looks like the girl from um did you guys watch uh desperate housewives yes can you show me her one more time

let me see oh my god she's a cutie sexy it's a redhead i would take her on a date Sydney you would take everybody on a date that's not true you would take everybody on a date I feel like we have messages in our DMs DMs from people who are like confessing things or

you know just sending us mess which you know we love but we don't also wanted to say the people who just came to the knit last Sunday Melissa and Amanda from the podcast thank you so much i was so happy to give really good hugs to you girls very very cute ladies i

mean i i love everybody who comes to the knit every sunday and listens to the pod and leaves us nice reviews those are my favorite type i love when people i love when women come to see us alive and they come with their boyfriends and their boyfriends are like yeah she's a really big fan can we just take a photo he already had his camera in his hand he was ready to go he was he was she was like okay and i don't like that angle let's do this over he was he was a good man good good great man um also yeah if you're a hot straight man i mean hot and someone told you to come to the podcast please come i mean to listen to the podcast please come to the net because then maybe we can see you and maybe you can go on a date with marie

who what a straight a straight hot man oh I don't know remember last week when we said we didn't want to give our phone number to people who listen to the podcast I don't know if I want to give my cat to somebody who listens to the podcast either okay how about this how about this if you're a straight hot man interested in Marie come to me first and I'll vet I'll vet these guys I mean, you are not the person to vet. If anything, I got to send them to Andrew because you like everybody. You are the wrong person. You're doing too much.

Too much. Sid, take a break. He said, clock out for me, sweetie. Clock out? It's like, are you kidding? On my own podcast? Take a break on my own podcast? For you to vet out these options for Marie?

Like, gosh. Girl, also, aren't you busy? you gonna vet them with your assistant girl no yeah molly molly i miss you oh wait and i have an announcement um i will be in san francisco 22nd through the 24th unfortunately without marie if i had a bigger budget you know what i would have flew her out but um i will be there at cobs comedy club please come and see me yes um don't embarrass me i don't know how many tickets are sold they haven't canceled the shows yet so maybe i'm getting tickets but please come wow you're selling this please girl sell it no no sydney sydney let's pretend you're on the radio okay

you're on i don't know 97.1 uh-huh and you're you're in town to promote a show promote it tell people what they gonna see tell people what they gonna miss if they don't show up ready you want gonna give you 60 seconds yes i'll give you 60 seconds to to promote this properly to get people to come out ready your time starts now hey all my favorite people you know what your favorite person will be in san francisco at cobs comedy club july 22nd through the 24th not only will you be getting looks laughs and uh bundles you will also get a view of my girlfriend because she will be there in the audience so please get those tickets so you can laugh laugh laugh and then take pictures with me and my celebrity girlfriend you have 30 seconds left come on down get those tickets

and you know what if you're not laughing you will also be drooling because let me tell you the outfits the looks that i pulled together right from assos unbelievable not clearance not clearance at all 15 seconds left yes so again get those tickets for cobs comedy club i will be there in san francisco july 22nd through the 24th i'm doing two shows every night gorgeous that was better than what you did before but yeah i mean 60 seconds is a long time when you're trying to sell something can you just can you just be my coach for everything marie damn i need i need you to be my coach baby i don't think so honey um um okay great andrew do you have anything that you want to promote or something that you're

trying to oh the the email for this the um that people are emailing i just want to reiterate unofficial expertise at gmail.com unofficial expertise because i think i think it's still your email and the instagram button i think so because they because marie is getting emails left and right yeah she's getting more she's getting more emails than i got phone calls and then you got phone calls sydney you had an assignment last week to do that now it's your turn marie yeah all right i guess i gotta log into the unofficial expert and i will change the email to unofficial expertise sydney needs to clock out you gotta log in i gotta log in clock out log in i mean yeah we're it's a changing of the guards clock out log in okay now one last time before we go let's read

through the titles and then we'll pick one and you guys are gonna love it um all right so slinging and slapping dick he she they all sugar daddying down the game minnesota 10 new york 7 close your eyes open your legs lazy eye for the win cowardly lines are not my type her cups ran over espadrilles and i didn't catch what was the what was the last part of that i don't know because i don't believe in espadrilles but sydney okay that's getting cut um i think it's espadrilles and sancerre okay um just let the record show okay espadrilles and sancerre we had sodomy what are you saving yourself for what the fuck is joe rogan talking about and clock out log in what are you saying yourself for carly lines are not my type what the fuck is joe rogan talking

that's so funny i don't know that's a good that's a good fucking title though what the fuck is joe rogan talking about is funny i know but the people who listen to us do they listen to joe rogan i don't think it's crossover there i'm gonna say no right um honestly well there was one that we really really liked i don't know i don't remember what it is the list was real long today we had sodomy oh we had sodomy i like that but then there was another one i think um minnesota 10 new york 7 i you made a comment about it earlier i like that but i don't know you have to read the list again but we don't have to do that off off offline i can i can text it to you if you want to read it oh yeah send it to me okay text it to me um sydney do you have a show tonight

i do i do have a fucking show and it's at 10 p.m oh mine's at nine where's yours oh in williamsburg what's yours uh comedians you should know oh that's gonna be fun yeah no i always have a good time there what you got yours is at gutter yeah mine's at union hall uh we're gonna we're gonna miss each other we're gonna miss each other 10 p.m comedy show okay all right okay sydney well you have to take this nap you have yeah you should definitely take this nap that red bull is has passed through you yeah it got me it got me through the pod though and that's what was most important honestly shout out to red bull you raggedy beach yeah okay well guys i hope y'all enjoyed this and i hope it inspired you to be the best hoe that you could be this week or just take

a chance on something that you've been dragging your feet on whether it's like dating related or not and everything that we said is not just dating related close your eyes open your legs it's for anything it's valuable valuable it's a great mantra open your eyes close your legs no close your legs to married men shout out to nini leaks uh if anybody knows nini and wants to get nini on the pod somehow let's make please oh no honey bye wig let's get nini on the pod so um andrew thank you i got the uh the all the titles and we'll pick one and then whatever we don't pick is gonna be in the description of course with zero context yep okay got it all right okay bye friends bye this has been a forever dog production the unofficial expert is executive produced by

brett boehm joe cilio and alex ramsey senior producer tracy soren produced by andrew mcguire cover art by sandy honig to listen to this podcast ad free sign up for forever dog plus at foreverdogpodcasts.com slash plus check out video clips of our podcasts on youtube at youtube.com slash forever dog team and make sure to follow us on twitter instagram and facebook at Forever Dog Team to keep up with all the latest Forever Dog news.