MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "Dick & Death Expert" with Alex English

Episode Date: July 3, 2020

Alex English joins us again this week as our Dick & Death Expert! Alex talks how dick has helped with grievance, how long is too long of a phone call, and ultimately, how he wants nudes in his DMs. Plus, Sydnee is thriving with phone sex while Marie's quarantine bae has been injured.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog hi wow hey friend so i'm in a great mood i see you sis um i see you in your school shooter wig what's going on whoa okay so yes if you listen to the patreon you know they sent me three terrible wigs um and if i put one on backwards like with the back to the front it looks like a school shooter wig so that's the energy i'm on right now um just like a get out of my room karen like a call my mom by her first name i'm gonna paint my fingernails black after the episode is done because it's very it's very like early 2000s yeah like emo hair yeah she has a black shirt on it's like i'm a creep i'm a weirdo i feel like i should have a lip ring on right you guys this big lip ring energy this week yeah you should also have your nipples um pierced

too ah i mean they're not but yeah you know i'm gonna think about it yeah andrew i see you have on merch today baby i'm wearing merch today i do love this shirt it's very comfortable just for anybody listening okay the fabric is a hundred percent not ours yes andrew i love you and i miss you hey guys wow we're just thriving over here you're on something today i swear i am i am sydney you took something should we get into it oh we get into my expertise yes let's start let's start i'm the expert of uh jesus take the wheel okay i'm i'm putting throwing my hands up to the lord and letting him guide me and wherever i need to be okay okay she's um she's she's she's out here talking to someone okay having like really good phone

sex okay i am i'm having a blast let me turn my wig back around because we're talking about phone sex today yeah yeah let me swivel it to the church yeah yeah yeah sis do it to the side wait okay we're having phenomenal phone sex what makes good phone sex um just being completely open and not worried about like what's going on you know i put the ring light on the puss so the ring light on the pussy okay okay it was glistening darling glistening i put my hand right near my puss and like you know how the youtube hand you do the youtube hand up against the labia okay yeah it was okay i i uh you know i saw my body and i was like damn okay this is a blessing okay i'm out here that is a good feeling that is a really

good feeling to like look in the mirror and like what you see i did because that that's not an everyday thing for everybody for anybody i don't think it's an everyday thing for anybody but sometimes you like lock into like you know what you actually look like and you and it's like and you know my body was just like moist it was nice listen I really um enjoy this person a lot and so I'm just having a ball well not a ball I'm having I'm having a clit it's great it's I'm having a clit out here yeah that's merch that's merch friend I'm so in a better place it's insane um okay so you have phone sex this morning before the podcast no last night the night before the night before that that we're kind of obsessed so what are y'all doing to to make it

different every time or oh i'm switching it up like one day i did it in the shower which was yesterday you bought the macbook pro into the shower that's why the screen is cracked friend you dropped your laptop in the shower no baby girl no baby girl i had my phone you know propped it up in the corner of the tub and you know let let the water run okay sydney this is this is the most that you've given us in three years you know i i after we had that conversation last week i said you know what i'm not gonna let my friend down anymore she was upset highly upset you you left me a motherfucking review and somebody wrote on itunes i love how one is interesting and one is boring we're changing we're changing the narrative bitch

somebody wrote somebody fucking wrote that shit it was trash oh my god i love it but i hate it that's why i'm getting that's why i'm about to get mine so it doesn't matter they could say whatever they want they could say i'm boring but in real life we know what i'm giving what amount star review do they give um it was five stars they were like two interesting people would be too much so no sydney you must know the drag was serious i was like wait what they're talking about marie well honestly you because we don't know when the person started listening so maybe they'd be like the earlier episode no it was recently it they left the review on saturday yeah but i mean they could have been like maybe they started

listening from the very beginning when you were interesting no friend i think it was like the recent episode it's fine why are we assuming that it was sydney that was the non-interesting no i'm not i'm saying i'm assuming we started the episodes sydney was the interesting one and then we that's what i'm saying so i'm i'm saying maybe they're talking about me but sydney thinks no i mean i don't i don't think it's okay well let's let's let's just go off on this motherfucking person real quick because they they left a name and um you know let's if you're listening no if you're listening with your bitch ass who are you talking about and add us Yo, I found it.

I found it. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. I love how one is boring. It doesn't say one is boring. It says it's a great dynamic.

Two interesting people might be too much. This chemistry is perfect. But the title of it, I love how one is boring and one is interesting. Okay? I can fucking read, bitch. Now, what were you an expert in this week? Let's go. I was not an expert in reading because I didn't even read the title.

i read the title right to the body shout out to astrid that's the name of somebody who would write something like that astrid incel the incel who wrote that she's antifa that sounds like an rb singer queen antifa um i don't know friend i feel like yours was so uh so cute uh i think this year i was an ex this year this week i was an expert in being patient um because unlike sydney i i have not been having interesting phone sex or anything of the sort um currently um because uh my uh the person that i was sleeping with uh hurt themselves and is now on the injury list so uh you know i'm i'm sending messages about ice packs and heat and none of it is getting me wet at all um so i'm just i think that the lord is testing me right now and i think

really this is what i get because you can't have too much of a good thing because i've been getting good dick the whole quarantine and i've been really happy you son of a bitch sis i've been laughing at all of my friends yeah who who did not plan for the for the quarantine and now literally it's been five days and i'm like why lord did he get injured on his dick like what is no no no no no but it's like a back injury you need he can't you can't give me the daddy long strokes if your bad back is you know that marie um muscle weighs more than fat so you gotta help him blow his back out that's what happened yes so you know i'm just like i called him yesterday and i was like so when you think so when you think i didn't even answer the question ask the

full question and he was like you know every day i wake up and it feels different but you might have to get back on these streets yo i might have to get back on these apps sydney it's literally been five days and i'm like damn i gotta get new photos on the yeah tinder like it's i gotta stop you better use those macy ads which ones there's so many so i feel like i gotta put bald i don't think i have any bald pictures on any of my dating profiles i think i should be bald in at least half of the photos uh speaking of balding our next guest is you know a crowd favorite he's a friend of the pod no fam of the pod fam he's fam of the pod cousin of the cousin of the way he's been on here several times and uh the people always love him

um he's been on other podcasts and shouted them out because so many people followed him after so after this uh you know pod i'm gonna need you to follow this uh this important figure that's on the pod today um give it up for our uh what is it dick and death dick and death expert wow alex english alex elizabeth english yes hi alex alex hey daddy i really can't believe that intro that would that's what it is i mean first of all i don't go shouting out podcasts you did crazy i don't i don't that's just something but you said that's tacky sis i feel like i feel like you know there's just certain things that i am allowed to notice that happens in my life and it don't have to be associated with really anything you know

i'm sorry that's very vague and nobody nobody knows what neither of y'all are talking about this is very niche yeah you and you know you and your men in black glasses have got to give us more well no I'm saying I didn't really I didn't really understand what you were sorry he went on a podcast that was on the network and um he was like yeah I love their fans they they all following me they in my DMs they treated me like a king and I'm like so so what is what is our followers what are our listeners well I mean your follower you could yo yeah your followers y'all listeners are just as shady as y'all as y'all are so they show up in my comments talking about how i got dragged on the last episode okay okay we're gonna shout out

to astrid y'all got you niggas got barbs y'all got y'all got the barbs of the uh of the podcast community we don't want to be barbs can we be navy can we i don't want to know what i feel like it's more navy yeah yeah i'm not i'm kidding i kid i love we're gonna change that we're gonna change that follow your follower your listeners are cool too i get people hitting me up from y'all's podcast but i mean i mean i just was keeping it real man i ain't never got no you know dick pics ass pics i ain't got nobody from unofficial expert y'all y'all y'all gay followers are boozy okay hold on listen listen hold on listeners this is a call to action yeah i guess i mean i guess in three episodes i guess they're not really you know hold on alex hold on they're

not impressed which is fine you know i feel like alex let me this is a call to action if you're listening and i know we've got gays in san francisco san diego texas uh missouri we got gays all over the globe nigerian i don't know about missouri but keep going i mean they eat cow and corn out there so all i know all i know all i know is my nigga gary richardson don't go home often so that's telling of taste that's just telling me oh there's nobody there's nobody there but maybe they are maybe they are listen gays across the globe listening to this and and if you have a dick pic in your phone that you just want to share with alex just send it I've received

more dick pics from Marie than it's crazy. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. I've got a video of someone just jerking off a listener that just sent it to me.

Can you show us? Put it on the Zoom. You a regular. Oh, he put his face in it? Oh, bitch. What? Isn't that... That's like, Oh, crazy. I've never even talked to this person. I had to take my wig off. That face looks, that's a good

question. Is the is the you know, the ring light? Is this real? It's real. Yes. He is the phone on a ring light. He's not even holding the phone. what is it that he's following he's following he follows you matt rogers wait he follows me no not you no but he will after he will after no no uh yo white man be you know white men are angry motherfuckers dog like you see how hard i ain't never jacking off that fucking alex can you give us a little preview demo yeah you gotta be you

gotta be nice if there's any moment where you're supposed to be kind to yourself that is when you're supposed to do it okay the expert in uh you know dick and death there we go dick and death my dick my dick your dick and your death so alex let's talk a little bit about first of all how you're doing i was gonna call you this week but here we are on the podcast how you doing i'm i'm let's see i'm i'm i'm cool there was there was june was rough it is now what it is now it's july 1st june was rough for me i'm sure it was rough for a lot of other people but um it was just difficult because there were a lot of different things coming at me at the same time so i was overwhelmed i went from overwhelmed now to overwhelmed in a happy way okay okay let's talk

about it let's get into it well let's get specifics so at the start of june i um i lost my grandfather and then a week after that i lost my cousin now my cousin was um battling uh like stage for lung cancer and my uh and my grandfather on my mother's side my mother's father he passed from um he he was suffering from dementia and like going through like early stages of like alzheimer's and stuff like that he was going blind he couldn't see okay and so because of his condition and the fact that he was being moved like around through my family basically for a little bit he was living with my mom then he was living with uh my aunt his sister so like my great aunt he was he was being passed around through family because my grandfather had been

living in like san diego for a good amount of his life and then he like he would come to visit detroit he never really he did not fuck with michigan he treated it exactly like how i do now where it's like i don't really gotta come back here but like once or twice to say what's up to y'all dap you niggas up and then i'm going back to my to my life right so the way that we so the way that we all treat the way that we all treat michigan yes yes wow wow yes okay yeah i've never been no shade and i have and i get it that was aggressive that was both of y'all very aggressive shot no no but uh but so he went so he was just always i never really knew what my grandfather did that nigga was like a cartoon character he would show up stay with us for like a couple

weeks and then bounce yeah so that's so to me he was just always coming home telling some story about how he didn't got arrested his homeboy driving a truck through tijuana over across the border doing god knows what like then he in san diego i'm like what do you do how do you how are you alive right now like when he just none of his stories ever made sense but he was like really cool he was he sounds like you alex i mean none of his stories ever made any sense but he was really cool alex english ladies and gentlemen i like that i like that it's not complicated on a shirt babe put that on across the back of some jeans babe so like he um so yeah he he he passed from um

from Alzheimer's and they they were there was no definite um there was no definite answer as to whether or not uh any of his complications like like if he had any other like COVID related stuff like that so I don't all of that stuff but the problem for me where it got really dark was that when I last the last time I saw him I was like okay when you start to see like older relatives you start like okay it gives you like oh I made especially when they're sick like okay this might be the last time I see them yeah so we did so we did so I did all of that in my head and I like okay I was expecting it to be like um easier and it was then it was easier than I expected to be to get better after it but the one thing that just really and kind of still sits with me is that I

couldn't be with my mom so I couldn't like go to Detroit and like just be there because she was doing fine but the first couple of days of course it was not easy so I just was like you know I need to uh figure out a way to grieve with this and so I just kept calling her like I kept calling her like every other couple days and it was really distracting of course from like everything else that like has been going on in the world which you know you process and stuff like that i i actually think this happened to me and like my losing family this is really the worst time to lose a family member in any in any case you know especially alex are you about to cry no okay can you remove your sunglasses so we can yeah yeah they ran because i got high before i started

with your eyes okay i mean i also got high but my eyes are white yeah oh well you need to talk to your drug dealer about that no no no my weed is organic my weed is organic if your eyes not red you can't you ain't really up there no no no alex if your eyes are red if your eyes are red you gotta smoke you gotta smoke into your you gotta smoke until your stories don't make sense your weed is good when your stories don't make sense I will give that to you friend because because you got that that is you you got that your weed is loud loud okay keep going now anyway so yes you were calling your mom you're checking in yeah I just kept calling here so I was just like yo this is the facetiming I don't even like

like I am not a caller like just in general like I just really don't call like that and it's hard to like I mean I call my mom like how often do you speak to your mom regularly regularly every other day okay if not we do Monday and then maybe Thursday and then I definitely call during weekends and stuff but like i just like on the phone i i'm always thinking i forget which family member told me this brother they was like if you're on the phone longer than 10 minutes somebody's lying that's so funny being told that when you're like young i never like enjoyed being on the phone that long because that that would start to come back to me it's amazing that i've been able to be on the phone with people you know marie we've talked on the phone so i think it took a second

for me i've talked on the phone with you too yeah yeah you have like but it was it was hard for me it was hard for me to just talk to anybody i was like this is like this is like that did you guys see talladega nights no yes okay so this movie talladega nights it's a will ferrell movie and his dad when he's little says to him if you're not first you're last and as a little kid he like he grew up and that's he was like I have to win I have to be first or I'm last and he said that out loud as an adult in one of the scenes and somebody was like that's not true you could be second you could be third and it didn't even occur to him that like those were other places that you can come in and Alex that's what you sound like if you're on the phone for

longer than 10 minutes somebody lying and alex is looking at the clock at at at 28 years old like yo let's wrap this up before i start like looking at you funny that's so crazy so i mean it just affected the way like because i know some people really want you to be i think some people really want you to like open up and be on the phone and i think there's a level of intimacy attached to like yeah we wanted to be on the phone but i called you alex i called you several times i know but i a lot of people if here's the thing if i'm like on the phone if i answer the phone yeah and i've got something going on i'm gonna be distracted like i'm gonna be distracted by the conversation i'm probably

thinking i'm going through something so i don't answer the phone so i'm not like snap if i'm snappy or i'm having like a bad day or whatever i wouldn't go out in public and hang out with you if i know i ain't really in the best mood you know so i'm not gonna answer the phone i don't know it just depends yeah but there's maybe an emergency or something you know i don't know no i was just it was just a lot going on i understand what you're saying i'm i'm kind of like that with facetime like i'll get on the phone but i don't always want to be on facetime mainly because like i like to walk around my house naked and when sydney facetimes me that means I got to put on some type of top

and then I got to put on bottoms so she don't see my bare ass on my chair. Now you know good and well Sidney wants to see you naked. She does. We know that. She is absurd. She would not hang up. She would not hang up on you because Sidney was in the face time. I've seen parts

of Marie and everything is wonderful, but I actually love her personality. Hilarious. Anyway, that's Shad. I was Ashley that day. um but um sometimes getting on the phone with somebody yeah hold on the ice cream truck is driving by really loud oh yeah i can hear that but sometimes i want that mr softy um sometimes being on the phone with somebody when you're kind of in a bad mood elevates your mood yes

is what i was going to say true because it's easy especially now like like we're alone and we've been in the house it's easy to kind of sit in that bad mood it's easy to be like i don't want to what a gross day i don't want to talk to nobody i don't want to do anything i'm just gonna get high and sit in the door and it's like no sometimes you have to do something that you don't want to do well yeah that was that was that was like a big step for me to even accept like i had so many people because you know like this is a weird this is a weird thing that i had to like tell myself in a way because so many of the people i i only have like a short there's a very short list of people that i like speak to on the phone or like close friends of mine who i will

call the phone yes for and and you know accept it because it could be anything you know because it's that close um so i feel like with anybody else if you don't hear it from me online which it's such a stupid it's such a weird thing that I'm like this is making me think oh I have to tell I don't really feel like individually telling people or them trying to get to me having to respond with that it's easy for me to post something so that you know that's and but it made me really think about my connection to the internet and I'm just like yo this is why out there in order for me to communicate that hey I'm going through something please don't don't over like thank you for your wishes and because i had a lot of people text me and stuff

but after a while it gets like overwhelming the the feeling of having to respond to it and get you know because people are i'm somebody that's like if people are reaching out to me i'm definitely appreciative of that but the way i process grieving and stuff like that is you know i just need to sit and think yeah and and and and reminisce and cry about it so that i've done it so much that by the time i'm got it all out then i can like i just need everybody to let me live in this and just really only talk to my mom and talk to my dad and like talk to my family because a lot of times like how i am with friends i'm always like i i'm the texter before the caller because like yo if you need anything hit me up and then because especially like if if the news just came out or

i'm just always like trying to be careful with people because everybody deals with stuff like that differently especially now so i'm just always trying to give everybody more grace um okay yes this ain't funny no more see this is why i ain't talking i ain't want to talk about i mean remember when you i mean no okay so hold on hold on we are able to give you layers and this is just the first part of the podcast yeah so we're gonna cut we're gonna cut off now and start the second half that's why she let you talk for so long because she was googling how to get she wasn't even listening

she wasn't listening she wasn't listening that's why I answer her fucking phone calls that's why I answer them like she's a motherfucker I ain't listening I'm pouring out for him and she looking at selfies you know she looking at selfies on her phone

she looking at selfies she buying colorful eyeliner she rewind and say it can't cook drag me alex drag me yo here's the thing just tell us just tell us how you're because the thing is like i have been dealing with it just by coming out of it because it's basically like y'all i can't sit i can't only allow myself you can be sad like yeah be sad and be in it and do it as long as you need to but you gotta you can't like stay in one spot because when you stay in one spot then you are plotting your own demise because you you know you

you are choosing to sit there and wallow and meanwhile the people that you're grieving probably more than likely wouldn't if you were that close with them wouldn't want well how old was your how old was your grandfather 77 he was up he was late 70s right yeah so we just gonna round it to 80 but i mean even even watching him pass you know it was like weird because i went i went from seeing someone be considerably healthy like he didn't seem like somebody and he just kind of whizzed it away so i was like oh shit i need to start taking better care of myself you know but i stayed there while i'm while the uber from popeyes is on the way oh stop it alex hilarious wow i really just need to judge wrong with that yeah like can you why did you hear that

like well first of all if you don't eat fast food then all that sydney all that salt you be pouring on your food every sunday no no no it'd be garlic it'd be garlic salt it'd be garlic salt yeah white pepper you know that's full of fucking salt and you got the nerve to come at me about you might as well be ordering from fucking uber eat your damn stuff yo alex said that white pepper is just sauce sitkin seamless yo but no so i just you know i i once once i started saying that to myself while i was in my mom my time of thinking i'm like yo i can't let you get in the way of what i need to get can i ask you a question what are the three things that you're gonna do to take better care of yourself

yeah after i'm gonna ask that i mean you're gonna eat these potlucks but then three things I mean I do that in moderation though like I did say that I wasn't I have noticed a difference in myself when I've been cooking for myself so maybe now I won't maybe I'll eat at home and like you know won't be so quick to eat out as much because I mean I can it's not like I never knew how to make food for myself I just always make the excuse of like I'm never at home which I wasn't at a certain point I just wasn't at home so you know but you gotta get away you gotta get away from that i mean none of us really do so i'm trying to i am trying to take advantage of the time that's going of what's going on of like i mean i was doing that before all this shit started

happening in my family so it helps that you know like i'm just trying to maintain a level head and not like flip out okay so alex you gotta give me three things friend three things so he's cooking he's cooking i'm cooking so that's a step um what therapy well no not currently no you never thought i mean i mean i've gone before but i mean i'm also somebody that i think and i'm not saying i don't need it but i'm saying i've always been able to like talk myself through stuff so no matter how no matter how like badly anything gets sure i'm sure there are some deep-seated things that i could go to a professional to talk about but in lieu of not doing so i think i am still very good at being able to rationalize

you know and think and not stay too you know far off you're really good at uh being able to use in blue okay that's what a week like i'm not in that that's in no way saying that i don't need or nobody else needs i'm just saying yeah i was the way you were talking i was like no no no again what has worked for me is that i like i haven't had any like substantial problems like i haven't had any like major like i've had setbacks but i haven't letting i haven't allowed any of those setbacks to really get in my way of the next thing like i'll be in my feelings maybe about oh i didn't get this thing i didn't get that thing but then when i you know okay look what you do have once you just start like look talking to yourself people say that shit's crazy

but it's only crazy if you're saying crazy shit if you talk to yourself i would like to change the narrative but using the word crazy no no this is like mental illness i'm spending time myself and being like yo are you bugging right now like relax like yeah i mean we all talk to ourselves in that way but see some people don't want to admit it like niggas go niggas niggas pretend like he's to wrap it to her fucking stuff in the mirror it's some shit that niggas just don't that's an extended version like yeah just just like that's basically my when we see people when you think of talking to yourself you think um someone that's like schizophrenic or like right can't control themselves i'm not talking to myself in public in front of people i'm doing it

with myself when i think it's the most important i talk to myself i definitely do but what are you saying though see i think a lot of people see to me if i start to say shit to myself like oh this has been good then i have to say i'm not gonna have to ask myself why well what is making you say that and so just go ahead and write you know do do what you need to do stop stop doubting it Let's go around the room and everybody says one thing that they're saying to themselves or they're talking to themselves about.

You're talking too loud. That's what I say to myself. I would like to agree with that. Alex is very loud. But everybody on this podcast, with the exception of Andrew, is loud. I've heard. Don't give

Andrew too much. I've heard his octave go up a couple times. Because I'm gay, Alex. yeah see there you go everybody in here is queer everybody's here is queer and queer adjacent so yes you you've been silenced in some way so you're gonna raise your fucking voice sydney what what what are you saying to yourself i mean it's not like angela davis just now sydney what are you saying to yourself uh what i'm talking to myself about i'm saying uh you you have to be smarter you have to be smarter you have to make better decisions

you know what you're doing is stupid this is dumb this this doesn't make any sense your friends they're all gonna laugh at you they're all gonna laugh at you we are laughing yes yeah what do you say marie um i'm doing this thing where i uh won't eat for most of the day i'll be hungry but i'll be like i don't feel like cooking or are you trying to do or i'll be like i'm gonna do it but i'm not gonna do it you're trying to do anal sex no okay somebody to somebody else sound like sound like you're preparing for uh are you you a bottom now i thought you i thought you was like a i'm a i'm a power bottom i'm your power bottom yeah i'm a power bottom marie you always give you give you give verse top energy

i i thank you but i'm like no she if no marie marie gives like marie if it was if marie was a gay black man she would definitely oh yes if i had a dick i would be a she would start she would start with strict top that's like self-hate like on the levels of like homophobic yeah she would be like you know she also got that Haitian in her yeah i would trickle into that as well so it's like oh yeah you're gonna be in mesh you're gonna have on a cute neon mesh i'm gonna have on a wild wild thoughts yeah yeah tongue ring tongue piercing but mad homophobic still mad oh yeah i see that but for sure maybe but dicking bottoms down back left and right let me dick you up and down

yeah city's definitely a bottom city was a twink a twink bottom like not even like a twink glow sticks glow sticks glow sticks and perrier because he don't drink and sydney doesn't like regular water so perrier yeah sure that's actually sydney right now um gay that's the gay yo sydney would be a gay white man wait really like in your feelings all the time in another universe Sydney, Washington so I would be Andrew you would be Andrew

and your feelings constantly yes I agree on that that sounds like my friend I'm actually not ashamed of that I'll take that and I would be a basketball player

I'd ride being a WNBA is that how you see yourself friend i don't because i don't know exactly that's exactly how i see myself if alex was a if you were a female i wouldn't be a stud i wouldn't be like a stud lesbian i'd be like a candace parker you know like she get real dressed she gets dressed up and you know she got shape she got body but you know alex that's how you that's how you see yourself huh candace i mean like a candace parker she got shape she got body that's that's who i am if I'm gonna be any like if I'm gonna be a woman I'm definitely I'm probably gonna be a straight woman still like I think I think my spirit my I think my spirit is so like attached to me

even if I were a woman I'd be straight she's cute she's six four oh what's her name I would definitely be a tall woman I'm not even a tall man Alex what's her name again Candace Parker not Candace Owens yes Candace Owens yeah she's cute no I think I would definitely be Candace Owens if I was a woman shut up

you wouldn't even be on this podcast if you was Candace Owens and edgeless black woman no she does have does Candace Owens have edges oh she's cute Candace Owens or Candace Parker

no does Candace Owens does candace owens have edges i'm googling her right now what is the hair what's the what's the hair like i feel like she's not like she's she's doing like a modern um amarosa condoleezza rice i feel like she's like she's not giving you weaves yo she is like hood rat condoleezza rice yeah she's like turnip can candelisa i wouldn't even say she was a hood rat she's definitely you know i like i'm like kind of like taken by her though because i'm always fascinated by like black women who just are like bad people but not even just like just kind of like wild like i don't want to speak i don't want to spend my time on this uh podcast talking about that

so we gonna okay well that's how i got that's how i got out of my um some of my sadness too but I also got out of it by watching Dr. Umar videos. I love them. Oh, yes. Yo, Dr. Umar. I've never watched one of his videos all the way through. Dr. Umar saved me from my, like, oh, god. Because you know what's crazy about him?

He's a cartoon character. He truly is. But sometimes, I'm at computer screen looking like, you know what, he make a point. he pulls you in for a second where it's like okay you for the black you for black people i like that you you keep saying some smart stuff that like makes sense then he'd be like he asked for money this nigga this nigga be like oh he'll start with some good shit like we all need to come together black people and he'd be like yo but gay people came from aliens and they

brought us AIDS I'd be like whoa like he'll say some shit that you fuck with and then you just go flying off the handle but him in like separate he says such monstrous shit that like you they he's able to be mean so well that like it's like there's like this twitter this there's this twitter profile that I follow called no context dr umar and it's the funniest shit in the world so I got So I want to thank a homophobe for helping me come out of my depression. A blatant homophobe. Okay. Sometimes that's your final answer.

This is what we were all waiting for too. We've been waiting for Dick to come out of it. We've been talking for 38 minutes. Somebody froze. No, you froze. You froze. It's you that froze. Alex that brick wall is blocking the good Wi-Fi that exposed brick for the

Wi-Fi in the on the power man oh oh it's hung up on us and we just talk about the dick stuff I guess we'll take this time to check in with you Andrew how are you doing this week I wanted to text you because like a few months ago you told to not let this guy like uh in anymore and he texted me the other morning and he said uh i'm coming over didn't open up the message because it's on instagram he would be able to see that i read it i didn't want to even like open up the message he said i'm coming over and like 45 minutes later he sends me a video of him outside of my apartment this is 11 a.m on a monday and i'm just am not even pm daytime am and i'm like no i'm like you're not coming in yeah well

am feels safer to be honest it feels safer but it's also like what are you doing like also like he didn't even say hello he just was like i'm coming over i'm coming over yeah and i was like i haven't seen you in months you're not coming over so it felt like a giant power move on my i was so you didn't let him in yeah can y'all hear me alex we can hear you we back that this this is this is where the podcast gets great this is this is the last 10 minutes should we cut the first 10 minutes out there are you gonna sit down somewhere or are you just gonna yeah he's giving us a tour he went to get water damn sit down he went to get his weed should i get my weed do i need to smoke for this story

oh no it's just like you know i've been well outside of working the only distraction that i could think of was like yeah i gotta get i gotta get some you know there's something real weird though because like i was receiving all of these condolences messages and stuff but that was like my grandpa died right when I was like having I was in a deep thirst trap conversation with somebody on Instagram and then all of them condolences just came flooding that message away

and it's like damn I needed to get I needed I needed to get that and then it kind of just like I think he saw that I was going through something and he felt sad and remorseful so he wasn't trying to be about it so he took his dick wait what

no that's what you get well i did find someone to and also like uh i was like you know what i don't know if i'm when you're grieving i don't know if you're in the mood to bottom so i definitely like you want to get you want to let some stuff out so i was yes yes yes yes you don't want to let anything in you want to let some stuff out i'm already going through pain i don't want to put more pain on me than i'm already right right plus you know plus you're probably eating more so you don't Oh, my God. That's a prep for none of that.

Bottom? Oh, wow. You want to give some condolence, Nick? Heard you. Yeah. Yes. So I gave some twice. I gave some twice.

To two different people? Two different people. So you topped? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just saying yes. I was just wondering, for the people who are listening, they might not be following. I topped I topped and laughed my way out of um out of you know out of out of grief you know

but I but I did but I grieved so that I did I did it so that I you know yes I got it out and then got it in so this got it out and then got it so the sex was good well one of them was not oh now let's talk about that yeah I mean one of them was just like it was like all right somebody just gonna somebody knew that doesn't need to be brought back into you know it was just it was very cold very uh no focus you know with somebody that's just really like like anxious in bed have you ever met someone like that nah that ain't anxious in bed or somebody that like starts things but doesn't finish. Doing a lot.

Yeah, and like doing a lot. Like doing too much. Andrew's turning red. Is that you, Andrew? I'm not turning red. There was no real passion. Like corny sex. You know what I mean? Like corny sex.

It was just like, oh, we need specifics. Yes, it was details. There was no rhythm. There was no rhythm. But you were the top friend. whoa yeah you're supposed to be but no no no no a top is only as good as the bottom that is serving and motherfuckers don't know how to don't know how to arch their fucking backs and it's like yo like whoa sydney okay yeah yeah you have an arch this do you even have do you even have a spine wow wow sydney your butt looks fat is this how you be doing your

phone sex wow yeah yeah so that's okay yo sydney sydney you giving mad uh brian pumper uh yo i love that man that's a name i haven't heard in a long long time he used to crack eggs on women's faces and shit about it with the leashes yo what a man see what he's also porn yes porn let allow porn to be part of your grieving process why i mean well look i'm surprised my fucking socks haven't gotten up out of here and walked away themselves but you got it i mean sex sex is supposed to feel good and it only felt good with one person in quarantine and we're still in quarantine so you know but i've been trying to limit my activity so i spent so you have one person i spent yeah i spent about two weeks grieving this is the

beginning of the month so i spent the first week sad and going through it and stuff then things got better i came out all right time to time to express myself in some in some in some holes and uh that idea did you have a quarantine bay before all this stuff started going down with agree no i had someone that wanted to but i i'm just like we're not gonna do this because this is like a simulated thing right now for me like my the way i feel right now may not be how i feel long after this whenever that is i you know i'm very i'm being very optimistic but i obviously you can't really be too optimistic about how long we gonna be in this bitch so i don't want you to get confused. So are you telling us you

hadn't had any sex before the beginning of June? That I didn't have any sex before the beginning of June? You didn't have any sex before the beginning of June. Oh, yeah. Once. I feel like, Alex, I feel like you've been out here, friend. Yeah. I feel like you've been out here. I don't believe

you only had sex with one person before June. No, no, no, no, no. Is it? Look at this. He's lying. Okay. And I have a question. Was the guy i would never lie i would never lie about something like that was the guy white alex why is that always that feels like a yes because always why is that if it is not just see me see me lately no i'm gonna peg this white narrative on me

every time we talk she got something to say about somebody be a white and it's like was he not but one of them were one of them was yeah and then the other one was what everything that's going on in the world right now you're like out of all the dick i gotta get what better time to fuck a white man during a moment in time where the white man is fucking us what better time than that okay sydney counter argument better time than that sydney counter argument i'm doing this shit i'm arrest my case i'm topping for the ancestors i rest my case alex said he's doing this for us sis and i'm doing my civic i'm out here doing my civic duty what have you done for Black Lives Matter you are brainwashed my brother Sidney he wants to know what you've done for

Black Lives Matter I am I you know you know how Jesse is is the two is the gay Tupac I'm the gay Dr. Umar I don't believe it I don't know if that's a good comparison to have but yeah that's a terrible comparison um yo no yes yeah that's but don't be trying to paint this narrative like I'm this this nigga that be only because you know good and damn well you have met black you have met black people that i've messed around with yeah so so honestly i'll be asking what what i'm just glad that you got out of what you you got out of i was worried andrew was worried we were you know you weren't responding i'm so happy that everybody was concerned about you so thank you that actually makes me happy that people were were showing genuine love and concern you know i felt i felt

i feel every time stuff like that comes up you know who loves you and cares and so that that was good you know yeah but i think i think yeah i think most of us have a pretty good idea of who we can count on and depend on when it really hits the fan for the most part for the most part and and and even the people that you know you can't really depend on maybe you're friends with that person because you know they're fun or they got good weed or they be good parties or whatever it's just like general level like you know there are people that i'm cool with that i speak to if they send a message if they reach out for something we're always like oh yeah yeah we're cool like yes and i i would even call some of them friends like oh yeah yeah we're friends

but to you but closeness also matters to me and i'm as someone when i when i find someone that i'm drawn close to like you two like you know like my three like closest friends here it's like okay these are the people that when anything happens i will call and i will talk to me like you know any important information pertinent information or sensitive you spill good tea with them yes yeah yeah yeah you know so it's like the access it's about the access to the person you know yeah i mean i think the thing that everybody but also everybody everybody deals with things different you know yes and so i'm always like if this person is like kind of distant i'ma still keep tapping i'ma tap you know but i wasn't i wasn't like bothered by you need a phone

cause i just needed to like you know chill and and sit with it okay i understand i mean you gotta do it you know so then because like because like this is this is how you get me back once i deal with it then i got oh man okay now shit was rough now i need to go suck some dick and like do some fun thing to live life and we're back okay you know because that's what my grandfather really would have wanted me to be doing anyway wow my granddaddy yo my granddad was one of the first my my granddad was one of the first motherfuckers that i ever felt like accepted me for just who i was and let me be me he never judged me he might have judged but he ain't never made it obvious that he was he was always accepting and shit so like he just he just let me be who i who who i wanted to be

that's insane what a legacy so okay so the listeners want to know was the sex with the white person the good sex or the bad sex was it the black that was the good sex unfortunately i'm sorry to have to break that news i can't sit on here and lie to y'all like that the good sex did come from the white person brothers we i don't know what's going on well i mean i guess they know how to get fucked because they usually are the one fucking so they know yeah the black guy's sex was but he's grieving too right yeah this is a traumatic time yeah he done marched he's trying to he's trying to prove black innocence that just proves two sad niggas ain't supposed to be fucking okay two sad niggas are not to put look black believe in black love

but if we both fucked up that ain't gonna make for good sex all right this is why black people gotta start going to therapy this is why this is why black people gotta go that's why i asked up top i asked you gotta you gotta that's why the black people gotta fuck across the fuck across the aisle it's true you gotta go and see some shit that you ain't never done before you know i still got some checks on my list of of backgrounds that i'm still trying to like okay so give us come on basket robbins give us the 32 flavors friend who what else is on the list um i think iranian is next okay so i'm looking for that i'm looking for that um i don't know it could be anybody but i'm trying to like i'm trying to see everything i ain't

trying to stick to just one you know how many fucking you know how many types of people out there you know i don't know if i need to see everything i don't need to see everything well not everything but to at least at least the best to your taste of what's out there why limit yourself why limit because i i only want to do it if it's gonna be like good like if it's gonna be good i don't want to waste my time i respect i'm true i respect people's choices and preferences i just say for myself i think i thrive better have a better i think even worldview when i go out with and you know become intimate with different kinds of people okay passport i heard because then it Because, yeah, because then it gets boring.

It gets boring. Oh, so this is adding to your culture. You're being, like, cultured by hooking up with different. Cultured safe. Cultured safe. Fucking. Yeah, but I feel like if you hook up with somebody one time, it might not necessarily be good because maybe I don't know each other

that well and it's the first time. do you give that person a second chance and i'm at and i'm asking this question it depends on how much time you got it depends on how much time you got really says like how much time you don't really have much time no i think right right do you think do you think or is this person's worth right like did you have yeah yeah i mean that that's the thing if i can i can say honestly with the person i was like that i was i was like this is not gonna work we're not comfortable like we're not just doing we're just it's just not it's not gonna work yeah that ain't it chief that ain't it you can just tell with some people you can be like just because you have that feeling

you know you'd be like oh we wasn't really going at it how i know we probably could maybe we need to break it in one more time that was like a practice it was a practice one right but there are some people like yes but some people are also bad at sex there's also true but everybody's not good at sex to somebody else like your version you how you fuck made to somebody else when they get what you'd be like man i don't know if that's i don't know if that was it it's not making that contact with me everybody has good sex with me i have oh well don't look at me look at local i definitely know that there's somebody out there that could be like that nigga was garbage and that's okay i am not my body my body is not for everyone it's for a

good it's for a very um very uh wide array of gentlemen yeah yeah very specific very i think every guy i've ever hooked up with speaks to my text which which is white men yes and and on that note not everybody is good at sex but you know what we're good at this podcast and so thank you so much alex for having us um this wasn't this really wasn't one of my for having us no i mean but but honestly this wasn't one of my best episodes of y'all podcast i wouldn't blame anybody if they didn't follow me up because look we were talking about jack fishing like i get it like i wasn't i didn't come in hot there was no like there was like a lot of just like you know goofy sadness and like you know that thing see that's that's

why i did all that shit inside so i didn't do it no no no no what you what you don't understand is that people have to respect the layers, okay? They ain't got to respect it. They do have to respect the layers. Do you know what's going on right now? This is a fucking hard time. And it's been going on, you know? What do you mean?

So what does that mean? Just because it's been going on, that doesn't mean we can't be people? We're human beings. No, I didn't say that. I'm just saying, like, I just give everybody more grace. I'm just not,

I'm not as volatile, I think, as everybody else is. And that's not to say that I'm, like, I'm not, like, mad or sad about this shit, but I could call me desensitized but I mean I'm just watching everybody else kind of go through this shit you know I'm just stepping back I mean I mean you're going through it friend we're you're living through it right now yeah you're going through it even if you think you're just watching you are actually also living everything you're going through this of course and I'm not detached I'm not detached from it but you know I don't I don't have it in me to preach to people and like

tell people what they should do and know like when all of the tools are there i applaud anybody who can yeah so i'm not i'm if i'm not openly saying like you should look you should know if you don't if you know who i am you know how i feel yeah so that's that you know so i don't put the pressure on nobody no particular group of people you know my sense of humor hasn't changed everybody just needs to grow and everybody needs to grow up you know humor speaking of sense of humor have you been doing shows you've been out you've been doing it out on the street i did do a show i did i've done i've done two shows they were social distance shows they were cool i did miss being on stage somebody messaged me about doing a show next week and i'm like

i'm like i could do it but i'm like face three face face three friend i know what i'm like sis if you do it i won't be able to see you so people like people people with what i was what i said about the crowds i've had which i mean they haven't been like massive but it's been it's been like people want to go out so they really are just like laughing they're trying to be involved they want to be there they want to be there yeah so it's like that's the plus side to it but i don't like i just miss you still miss the closeness of the audience and stuff like that you miss it being the feeling of it plus everybody knows you ain't been on stage in a long time so you've been rusty I'm just up there like what the fuck do I get up here and do

again I mean they haven't been to shows in a while so they probably don't even know how to laugh no more but yes that part okay well I mean I think I'm going to say yes I think I'm going to do it okay just make sure I mean is it outdoor is it inside because all the ones I've been doing have been outdoor I think they all have to be outside

I don't think that many people are allowed to be in a venue inside at a time I think the max people that can be inside together gathered together was 10 or something like that i really just apologize to your listeners i really this was this was man wow that's okay friend we did great this is they're gonna be happy with whatever no i'm usually i'm usually if this is your first time hearing me if this is your first go back

to previous episodes please go back to previous episodes when i was made and we we tell shit but see this is why i don't like zoom this is this makes shit different like when i'm you're unraveling friend you're unraveling it's fine we're fine that's when we're on We're on one, you know? Run. It's fine. We're doing great. They can come for me in your comment section.

They won't. They're listening. They're having their time. Well, finally, Sydney wasn't the least interesting one on the show. Oh, sure. All right, bitch. And on that note, everybody follow Alex English on Instagram. Send him dick pics.

Please. That's it. Don't even. If you don't want to smash the follow button because you didn't like this episode for whatever reason take from this episode that you you should be sending him dick pics yep listen be kind with the pics be kind with the pics if you do because like i'm working on something right now and i don't really want to be that distracting so make sure it's good if i'm gonna if i'm gonna take good quality the lighting gotta be good yeah because i take pride in my news so i would help

people see these yes news would do the same make sure you wipe your make sure you wipe your camera before your phone screen so it's not like your camera yeah you can use the same wipe for your dick that you use your camera like you can do that i'll never know it's not scratch and sniff yes make sure the dick is not too ashy you know maybe put a little not not actually at all not actually don't even say two there's no accepting right acceptable level of ash yes yes yes okay so what's the hair situation you want i don't care about that well upon review upon review okay because there's such a thing as too much but you know that that varies and it can change okay um so and so just make it make make it worth okay sure and make it work on those yes

yeah make it worth i mean you can also send your butt like let's not we're also we're doing whole pics we're doing we're not doing all okay but the actual butt like your butt but butts are absolutely, actually butts are, I would say are butts are yo, Alex these are fine just copy and paste

this part, Andrew, and put it at the top yeah, all the contacts just drag that I believe in you, I believe in your power thank you thank you so much, Alex, this was beautiful I had such a blast no, stop lying

you guys, leave your funky-ass reviews. Oh, and when you send the pics, the ass pics, you don't even have to send a long message. Just say, my condolences. Oh, beautiful. Please send that. Send condolences,

Dick's, to Dick Dolence's, to Alex. Matter of fact, I'll take some Dick Dolence's pics as well. Dick Dolence's. That is the episode title alone. It should be a singular. Dick Dolence's. Okay, Dick Dolence's.

That's it. That's great. We did it. We did it at the end. Work. Okay. Alright, well, we're out of here now, right, Marie? Sydney's ready to go. You see that? She sat up. She put her phone down. Her promise to die. What are you doing? Sydney really don't mind

telling you that she's Aubrey. No, no. I have to memorize these lines. I have somebody going over the lines with me soon. Yes, yes, yes. That's what you was doing during the episode, friend? What's that you're going to be on during COVID?

I'm not doing no sets, so. No, I said what set, what TV set, what movie set? You're about to be on with COVID. Y'all doing, you got, you getting booked on the Corona, on the new Corona series? I don't know, sir, but I just don't want my agency to drop me, so I'm just going to do this self-tape. Me too, sis. Me too, sis. All right.

Well, friends, thank you for being here. Rate, comment, subscribe, and send those Dick Dolan's pics to Alex, Andrew, and I. me too we'll see you next week you too be best okay bye love you are you gay or what shut up listen I'm gay not blind send the dicks

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