MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Excuse Me, Sir?

Episode Date: October 4, 2019

On this week's solo episode, Sydnee and Marie discuss their recent eventful trip to Miami. Plus, Sydnee discusses being at the "Roast of Alec Baldwin" while Marie talks looking for a new apartment.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog yay yes baby oh my god marie when are we gonna get a theme song imagine if we could take dugs yeah it's so good though the other day i was at a show and I called. I was like, I know I look like a cartoon character. I look like Doug and everybody laughed

and I was like, actually Skeeter because we all know that was the nigga on the show. Yes. Skeeter. That's what I look like.

But you're really Roger because you're fucking mean. You're really. Remember when you were Roger last year for Halloween? Oh, that was like epic. I literally, I want to let y'all know

I walked in to the house and they roasted me for two and a half hours. The entire time. The whole time. Like even people who were like, that nigga's roasting right now yeah yeah yeah the nicest people ever sydney came in in the

ashiest green face i you know what for this episode i think i'm gonna throw that up i'm a tbt sydney as roger she painted herself green and put on just the saddest wig and saddest kitty and then y'all kept going on google and searching who i look like and you were like i look like young jock and you're like it's going down i have the video of that and i cry so yo sydney you look just so wild and you were like you're like well i did this for y'all you know when i when i get out of this costume i'm still fine yeah yeah y'all still won't be ugly i was like wow yo people were walking by me like they didn't even know me and i was just like excuse me they're like oh sydney you don't look like yourself sydney looked like the jolly green giant like she looked like the

dude on the can of peas yeah i look like the mask kermit the frog everything with a orange wig it It just was so tragic, but I did that for the team. You did that for you, sis. No, I didn't. Yo, when I bought that wig, I was like, oh, I'm definitely doing this tonight. Sidney, first of all, when you saw the wig, you bought the wig before you bought the paint? Yeah, I bought the wig. When you bought the wig, you didn't think, oh, this is not going to be good at all.

I was like, yo, I'm going to kill this fucking party. I'm going to be the best dress in that bitch. I said, I dare you. i i was just like this is it because i every halloween i'm like oh i want to look hot yeah and halloween is approaching us and i'm just like oh they already got the the halloween candy out yes yes yeah i saw it and i was like we got a whole fucking month but it's complete it's a completely transformative event for people because some people just don't want to be themselves anyway okay so we hate you too and and i think that halloween should be the best day to go on

a date because it's like yes because it's like well this is the person you're not gonna get anyway like if you go on a if you go on a date you're not getting the real them anyway listen you might as well get somebody dressed up i don't want to go on a date with a man in a costume that's not what my ministry is for what i'm telling you you should try it i bet you tender hinge itoro is gonna be you should try it just this this halloween yeah if i don't have anything has to do on Halloween this year, I'll go on a date, Sydney, on Halloween.

No, no, no, no, no. Or tell the date, yo, I'ma be at this party, come through. Oh, I feel like I don't want to be on a first date at a party. Oh, well,

why am I assuming it's a first date? Maybe it'll be a second date. Yeah, you never know. I think it's fun and it's like, it's like 50 shades of Halloween, you know?

I mean, I don't know. Last year was cute. Everybody was on like a little bit of Molly on Halloween, you know? Everybody was fucked up. Little bit of Molly. This guy,

thank you. So we were at our friend Liza Traeger's house, and she was like, yeah, I bought a bunch of drugs, blah, blah, blah, for everybody, like, have a good time. And me and Amina were like, drugs? What are these white people talking about? And it was Molly. And I was like, oh, they giving away Molly? Wow.

They doing really well. Nah, but then the person you was with. Right. Then the person that we were trying to get this Molly from was like, he was like, yeah, so it's going to be however much money. It's going to be 80 or what, each. And we were like, each? We thought that this was already, we thought it was open bar.

You thought it was party favors? I thought this was an amuse-bouche for the Fed. What? So we were like, ah, neither of us have cash on us. And he was like, we'll figure it out. And he like just gave in to it. That nigga's still figuring it out. He's still waiting on that money.

It's not coming. Anyway, so for Halloween this year, what you thinking? What costume wise? Oh, I'm doing anything Euphoria. Like I'm just going to have like. Damn, you are in love with that show. I love, like, rhinestones, crazy eyelids. Like, I just want to be Maddie again.

It's so hot. Okay. Which one is Maddie? She's the Latin one. Ah, I only made it to the first episode. So, was she in the first episode? Yes, she was. Ah, okay.

She one of the friends. Yes. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. For Halloween once, we were each other. Remember? Yes, we were.

You wore an Afro wig and I wore a straight bob wig. Yeah. And you're like, so I'm gay. Hi, guys. I'm gay. And I only did a little bit of ketamine today. And Sidney was like, look at me. I'm buff.

And it was very aggressive. No, I wasn't. Sidney was mean about it. And I was like, well, I didn't know we was roasting each other tonight. I didn't prepare no material. Sidney had bars. No, I did not. I was like, gasp.

Oh, no, no. I was like. Yo, straight up. But do you remember that night? you was ready I think you were a little mad actually I was like wow I think you were a little pissed off you caught me off guard the stuff that you were saying I was like saying wow I was like look at that white man in them dusty ass flip-flops I mean that is my brand yeah but like still I was like I thought we were just you know trying to be cute and funny about it but anyway uh I was

white I was so cute it was a little bit hurtful friend what I shed one Haitian tear oh that's a lie Sydney was on stage like look at me look how dry my elbows are I ain't got no job I ain't got no mane I also don't have no feelings I was like wow I was like what bitch you are lying oh yo you are acting I hope you book something this week look at my abs I hope I book something this week you are an actress I never said any of that Sydney you was going you're a goddamn lie because I remember after you got off stage I was like oh why and you were like

I thought that's what we were both doing and I was like yo I'm crying my eyes out I never said that you have no man in that you were like look at me I ain't got no man and I ain't got no job she was like Vice Live

she was more like Vice Dead I was like wow Vice Deceased she was like what died faster Vice Live top shop I was like wow yo I dare you

okay so we're doing I Don't Think So Honey tonight which you know you guys won't know about until this comes out but this will be

two weeks after that but I dare you to say I Don't Think So Honey Vice Live nobody's gonna know what that is nobody's gonna know

I can't even you know that's not a I Don't Think So Honey is all about like the culture right right the culture doesn't care

about Vice Live so So, you know, whatever. I'm crying my eyes out right now. Yo, Marie, the lies that you be making up. Nigga, you the unofficial expert of storytelling. That's what you do. Oh, well, okay.

Let's talk about this. So on Tuesday, I'm supposed to do a storytelling show. And I don't know what story I should do. What storytelling show is it? At the Jane. It's Michael, what's his name? Oh, yes, yes, yes. So you've done the show before.

Yeah, it's cool. Do you remember what story you told? Yeah, I told a story about burning my house down. See, I thought that that was the story that you might have told. I did, because he kept saying, like, it doesn't need to be funny. Actually, I look forward to, like, it not being that funny. And I was like, you know, one girl was telling her story about her boyfriend that killed himself. I was like, man, this is, like, heavy shit.

Heavy hitters. It was a lot, but, I mean, sis, you got so many stories. Yeah, I know, but what story am I going to tell that's a 10-minute story? I think you should tell the story about that funeral. that's funeral the funeral that the one day yeah but that's not a 10 minute it's not 10 minute no ah that was such a good story wait wait can you tell them tell them the story tell them so my grandma died a couple years ago that's the story sydney's like please tell them and then what happened so my my family you know they real

haitian and everyone was giving their long ass eulogies or you know whatever reading from psalms my dad had a suit on with shoulder pads when he was like he was killing it and uh they wheel out a little keyboard and this haitian guy who used to be my cousin's bus driver is performing and i was like okay they just booked it's like a show right it's a variety show right and the guy is standing there and he looks at the pianist and he's like c minor like saying played in c minor and the dude at the keyboard is like what we didn't rehearse this bitch like i don't even know you carl and so the guy starts singing and he's like one day at a time sweet like he's singing the song and he's like one day like the last note was so high and so bad and so shaky

me my brother my cousins trying not to laugh out loud behind my mom because she's crying her mom is dead right we're like right we're like c c minor c minor cindy that's not a 10 minute story anyway uh this guy sang uh and it was terrible but really he brought the family closer together i think because they were laughing they're coming together through like comic relief he was it was so bad like it was like if they paid me to if they hired me to sing or if they had you quote hey hey hey don't you put me in there it's terrible sing sing two lines of your favorite song right now you think i'm young but i'm ready marie let's get into it so we went to miami we just got back let's talk about the majami trip

because the people want to know okay okay so boom first of all uh amina marie and carolina to get to Miami before me because what was I doing? Working. Working for the man every night and day. Yeah, so she was at comedy school. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. That's me working for the white man. Anyway,

so you guys are already at the house and... Yeah, we got there at like 3 p.m. 3 p.m. Right. And we're staying at a friend of a friend's place. Okay, so a friend of a friend's place. Wait, hold on. I'm looking at you. I'm looking because...

I'm looking at myself I'm looking at you looking at me and I hope that you know what to say new year new me reflective yes

I got a birthday coming up yes I'm looking at you that just passed yes okay look so it's on the beach it's right on South Beach

we don't have to pay for anything location location location okay that's all that matters location real housewives of Miami yes so we get there

and it's like a studio yeah and we're like oh did did they know it was gonna be four of us the answer well originally

it was three of us well I mean We all slept in the same bed, Sydney. Yikes. Sydney was like, I want to sleep with you guys. Anyway, so the apartment was cute. It was small. It was like all the hoods, not a hood, but it felt very spring break college to me.

It felt like, oh, look how young and poor we all are. College? Everybody coming out of there was at least 35. No. Who's 35? who you talking i'm talking about the people who were coming out of the building yeah no there was a bunch of like it was some families in there doing real bad uh it was like a motel but like on the beach that like people rent when they're in miami right there was a dude that we met because

we was doing laundry there was a dude that we met in the laundry room who lived there and we were like that's unfortunate we were like poor unfortunate souls right so um anyway so that happened uh but before we get to miami carolina's friends in new york had all pulled their money together to get her a stripper in miami so that was the surprise so you all know her friends are what white yes white yes okay so remember that put a pin in that they all beige alabaster okay translucent transparent okay out okay baking soda baking powder yes right so uh amina is corresponding with the friends and the stripper he's supposed to get there at 10 45 sydney gets in at 9 30 or 10 o'clock i feel like like 10 15 sydney got in at like 10 15 yeah so carolina we

like we dressed she's ready to go out right we're staying in the room waiting for the stripper we got a stripper that's being delivered at 10 45 right about poison his name was poison his name was poison right so carolina's like all right well let's and she's trying to like get us to rally and go but we she's like look at these old ass people that i came to miami with and you know i came in there i was washed no sydney came in she started twerking fresh off the flight fresh off the flight but i was split and everything on the coffee table no i was annoyed i was ready to go but because i got there and i was like oh okay so where am i sleeping i was like i don't know i'm too grown for this but that's fine sydney was like so there are no hotels nearby no yo sydney

He was like, we could have got two double beds. Anyway, Sidney came in hot. She's shading everything. She's talking about the life fixtures. Oh, my God. No, I wasn't. She's making fun of the roaches playing tic-tac-toe in the corner. Sidney was flagrant.

Anyway, so 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock rolls around, no poison. But he's texting Amina. And very loudly. No, no. Then he's calling her. Yeah, he's very obvious. And Amina's like, can you please? Mind you, okay, so we're in the studio.

We're all in one room. And it's supposed to be a surprise. And it's a lot going on. And Carolina's like, well, I want to go out. And we're still trying to figure it out. Carolina got a smoky eye on. Like, she's prepared. And then he calls Amina.

No, Amina's like, well, you know, he's in Tampa right now. And I was like, but he's really from Philly. And I said, what person is from Philly, drove all the way to Tampa, is now coming to Miami? They need the money bad. I don't want that kind of stripper. No, thank you. I don't want a stripper from Philly. I feel like Meek Mill, he's going to be playing Meek Mill.

He's going to be stripping real hard. He's going to have the Eve paw print titty tattoos. Like, I don't want, he's going to have a do-rag that he flosses his butt with. I don't want that type of stripper energy anyway. But he says to Amina, I hear him from across the room say, Amina's like, can you please check your text messages? And he's like, oh, is this a surprise? Yeah.

Is she there right now? Yeah. And I can hear him. And he's like, well, I don't have my clothes on yet. I got to change in there. It's like, wait. I got to change when I get there. Do you not know how stripping works?

You got to take your clothes off, poison. Sir you better come in with your fucking lab coat Act like you're a doctor and what not Aren't you supposed to come in and be a cop You're gonna come in with your work clothes And put them on and then sneak back out He's gonna be like excuse me Don't mind me

Just a ghost You know the video where Lebron James is walking out Of the press conference with his big ass duffel bag That's exactly what this poison guy Would have been doing So Amina like gets I guess he says that he's close He's like, oh, I think I see it.

I think I see it. And Amina gets up to go talk to him in the hallway. When she gets back, I think, oh, she going to have poison. Well, she comes in. She's like, oh, the music is loud. She turns the music down. I'm like, oh, he must have his music outside. She's like, guys, I got to tell you something.

I got to say it. It's fine. She's like, it's starting to feel unsafe now. Yeah. Because now it's 1 o'clock in the morning. So, you know, the stripper is black. Well, I didn't meet him. So, she's like, Carolina, we have to tell Carolina.

Carolina's like, what? What's going on? And Amina's like, well, your friends in New York hired some stripper for you, and we've been waiting for them since 1045. And they got them on some website, and they didn't look at the reviews or nothing. Well, that was the thing. Amina was like, so she messaged the people in New York and was like, did y'all read the reviews?

And they were like, no. So, we read the reviews, and they're all bad. People are like, don't use this service. We requested two people on the website. they sent somebody that was fat and old and toothless like people were complete like they were like the guy was out of breath his hairline was jagged like nobody was happy hey hey you pay for me to take my clothes off i don't need to have a hairline for that yes you do no you don't present i just need to make sure i got the dick in tow okay if your hair like if i can't trust

first of all i don't want to see no philadelphia tampa dick okay that dick sounds like it got bumps on it no that that dude that dude dick do k2 sis i don't want that dick anywhere dick is desperate yeah so amina's like yeah don't we we don't want you to come anymore like she messaged him and he never responded so that means he was nowhere near us he was never there no or i was like oh he's setting some shit up yeah he's over here alone style oh yeah he's gonna come in and shoot this whole place up for 300 that says he wouldn't shoot us strippers don't shoot strippers If anything, he was going to, like, choke somebody with one of them little G-string things. Nah.

He was going to choke people with his hands. He was going to knock us out with that little suitcase. That stripper suitcase? Yeah. That little Players Club bag? Yeah. So Poison didn't come, and we spent the rest of the evening waiting for him to come in and kill us. Yeah.

And he didn't. We were so nervous because I was in the bed with Amina and Marie. Now, you know Marie wanted no parts at all. Sydney was like, can I sleep between you guys? And, you know, I said no as loud as I could. But Sydney don't listen to me. And she just kept. Sydney sleeps wild, I feel like.

Every time I woke up, she was like, her face was on my pillow next to my face. I was like, I kept pushing you. I don't remember that. I kept sliding you to the left. You did an impersonation of me sleeping in the bed. And it was a lot of, like, me flopping like a dead fish outside of, like, a fish bowl. It was a lot of her just throwing her arm across my body and then my face. But Amina was untouched, and I complained about it.

And then the next day, Sidney flailed on Amina. So God is good. Well, the thing is that I'm fighting cuddling. That's what it is. You're fighting cuddling? Yeah, like I am a cuddler. You know who else is a cuddler? Carolina, who was across the bed from us.

No, she's actually not a cuddler because I'm currently sleeping with Carolina. Sleeping with Carolina! Carolina and Sidney are banging. We are an item. And I just want to say that that Pumkash. Moist. Pernil. Pernil.

That Pumkash. That pork shoulder. Slow cooked. Yes. Slow cooked cooch. Falls right off the pot. I'm so moist. Falls right off the uterus.

Fallopian tubes. Tinder. Yeah. What you marinate these fallopian tubes? Yo, that cervix is toit. Stop being nasty Sydney's gross Anyway so Sydney and Caroline are not sleeping together

But tell people what happens A lot has happened since we've been back I moved out Of the apartment And I have my own apartment In Brownsville Well I mean that's not You should have just said East New York

You should have just said Eastern New York I used to say East New York And then someone asked the specific address And then they were like, do you know you're in Brownsville? Please don't say Brownsville. I mean, East New York is bad enough, but Brownsville, I feel like it's worse. They were like, did you, do you know that you're in Brownsville? Stop telling people.

Just say, where are you? Say, I live in the city. Where do you live? The city. I live on Long Island. I literally didn't know that it was Brownsville. Stop saying Brownsville. And so they were like, wait, I was like, no, it's not.

and then they pulled out the map and was very disrespectful about it. It was like, no, no, look at this. This is, you see where that says? They're like, when you cross Broadway, that is no longer, wow. Yeah, so moved out. I have a roommate now.

You know, things are different. Do you want to tell people why or how come or how you feel about it? You know, just making some changes. Yeah, making your way downtown. You're walking fast. I mean, you're walking slow. I'm walking real slow.

But yeah, you know, my shout out to my girls, Amina and Carolina coming through and helping me move. Wow. As an adult, if you don't know if you have things of value, just, you know, move somewhere. What did I have? Lots of garbage bags of things and nothing of value. I was like, wow, what am I? What do you think is your most expensive asset right now? What do you think is worth the most that you got?

The tits that are on my chest. Okay. And then my job laptop. Your work laptop. But you got to return that. I have to return it. So that's not really. But if I lose it, I got to pay for it.

I mean, obviously, sis, it's your responsibility. Right. And then I say my phone, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My phone is pretty expensive. Your phone is probably worth more than. Yeah. I actually do have my own personal laptop.

So, yeah. Yeah, but what year is it? What model is it? It's an Air? It's an Air. It's an Air. It's a MacBook Air. Oh, okay.

Is it the new model? Is it the smoke? What do you know about laptops? Is it the smoke gray? Well, mine is from February, so I know that mine is new. Oh, okay. Or mine is from March. Whatever Vice was on.

Okay, so Carolina and Amina helped you move. Yeah, and so it was a little awkward because, you know, some people had unresolved issues. Oh, the vagueness is so cute. Yeah, just trying to keep it very profesh on the pod now. But anyway, I will say this. It was a scene leaving. Yeah, it was a scene leaving.

You know, all my bags are outside. And so this is, my neighbors are never around. All of them around when I'm moving out. And so they just look in like, oh, okay. There's like suitcases, a lot of garbage bags. I feel like the suitcases that you had was like, not the ones that roll, but I feel like you had them old school suitcases that you got to like, like zip and then hold up. No, I didn't have a streetcar named Desire or fucking suitcases. I feel like you had a stick with a red bandana tied on it.

No, I definitely didn't have that. I'm not a runaway. That's fucking rude. But yeah, all my neighbors are going in and out of the building, in and out, and they're just looking like, oh, okay. Hey! Like, just like that weird, like, oh, okay. And then, you know, Carolina and Adrian, I mean, Carolina and Amina are trying to help

me, and then the SVU pulls up because I had to get an extra, extra large. You know, I couldn't just get a regular. And Carolina's dumb ass tells the guy, oh, yeah, we have a lot of stuff. So you got to move back so we can move it. And he said, oh, OK. And then he's like, yeah, I'm going to pull it back around. And he canceled the ride. Yo, Carolina is queen of the damned.

I'm telling you. Wow. She's like the sweetest person. It's not my fault. I was just telling him that we got a lot of stuff. I'm like, no, you can't tell Uber drivers that you're moving. Anytime I've ever moved something in an Uber X, it was always like an ambush. Like they pull up and I'm like, can you pop the trunk?

And he's like, what? Why? And I'm like, this big ass area rug or this queen size bed or this floor length mirror. Like what? Yeah. So he canceled. He canceled. So then another one came and it was an Asian dude and Amina was flirting with him the whole time.

He was cute? He was cute. Okay. Like a Rick Yoon? He's very muscular, tall. Did he help out with the bags? He was looking like, I don't know if I touched the garbage bag in my rip. He said, I'm not really insured.

My back is bad. He didn't want to rip the bag and then all my things fall out. He was trying to be. He was being a gentleman. Truly, if I'm not helping. Yeah, I mean, truly. It's better when you just watch it play out. Right, right, right.

He was setting the tone, the mood with music. Yeah. And then everything's in, and I get in the car, and Amina's like, girl, you know he got two kids? He married. Just in case you was trying to figure out, you know, I'm trying to get his life together. And I was like, what? Who is?

The driver? Amina is telling me about the driver, because she had already talked him up. And I was like, sis, why are you going to bring my rating down to like a one? What's going on? Also, why does she think you care that the driver got two kids? She was just trying to flirt with him. I was like, girl, what are you going to do? These single moms, man.

They out here. They out here. They're trying to get that little Brady Bunch family, that blended Brady Bunch. No, thank you. No tanks. So I have an apartment. I haven't fully moved in because I have no things. Okay, well, let's tell the listeners what you need, sis.

Let's run through the list of things that you should have. Hold on. I got a little note over here. One second. Okay, well, I was going to just shout things out, and then you're going to say whether you had them or not. Oh, no, bitch. We don't play those games. I don't want nobody sending things that I don't need.

A bed. I was going to say a bed. I was going to say a blender. I was going to say a toaster. Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's start to like importance to like, oh, yeah, that's cool if you gave that to me. A blender. A panini press.

I need a bed with a headboard. I need a frame. Headboard. I need everything because I don't have none of that. Okay, well, what size bed? Let's go through the wish list. What size bed are we looking for? A queen would be nice, but honestly, it's only enough room for a full.

But like, there's no here, no there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A queen with like a platform bed. A full queen? Wait, have you gotten the ads for the mattress? Like, have you guys gotten a mattress? No. What mattress have y'all given away here?

No, I know that Seek Treatment got mattresses. Okay, what kind of mattresses they got? Caspers? It was not Casper. Oh, they got the purple one? Mattress in a box or something like that? Yeah, it was like one of those, like, you open it up. Room and board?

No, not room and board. Maybe we need to reach out to get you. We're probably going to get it after. Yeah, but it's fine because I got my mattress for free, too. We already talked about this. Talked about it. So maybe I should do that. A bed in a box.

sydney already told you how to get a bed a free bed you gotta order it get it through you gotta order you gotta order your bed in a box from amazon like find the brand that you want they have casper they have everything you order it on amazon and then after you order it sleep on it for like a week and then tell amazon you no longer want it and they will not come pick the bed up but they will give you a full refund that's insane that's how i got my bed and then they're like i'm like well what i'm what am i supposed to do with this bed and they were like you can donate it Maybe Salvation Army or a church might take it. That's with the Marie Faustin look.

Me, I would fucking do that. And then all of a sudden, they're like, yeah, we're going to come pick it up. No, actually. It's very certain. Like, Casper will come pick it up. Right. But Amazon, if you order it, like something, not a Casper, but like something adjacent to that, Amazon is not sending somebody to come pick the bed up because it's not going to fit in the box again.

Right, right. It popped out. okay so i don't have a bed or a head frame or a headboard or whatever you call it i don't i need a little dresser dresser okay are we thinking like a long ways or like a short stack like yeah short stacked how many how many drawers uh like four or five four okay four or five the closet's not that big okay um you need a rug somebody's donating some um hangers to me donating some hangers yeah listen this is all like all hands on deck this yeah well first of takes a village and second of all

this was like all of a sudden it was very abrupt because you know your girl is irrational and it's just like you know what fuck that I'm out and you know I didn't really think about it too well and that's how it goes I'm one of those people that's just like spontaneous are you? yeah

yes absolutely you think every time I did ketamine I planned it out absolutely not I do think you planned to do ketamine no no no no no oh no no no no I left my house thought it was just gonna be a little cute night have a couple vodka sodas nope several vodka so all of a sudden what is there a butt plug in my in my purse like just butt plug yeah things got crazy you found a stray butt plug in your

purse one of those nights in a clutch one of those nights no oh you know my sister is working at the playboy club now yes yes bartending look at that we should go visit her buff ass let's do it she says she's been yelling at people for the whole week really everybody loves her and asked her for fitness advice and then she already she was like i already have regulars i was like shut up remember when i was a bartender i didn't have no regulars yeah it happens i mean i also got fired pretty fast so that's why i didn't have no regulars um yeah speaking of fired uh you know we out here looking for employment okay so you get you went to la for alec baldwin's roast we didn't even talk about that oh yeah yeah let's talk about it i mean it's

just yo when you get flewed out on a corporate card yo they take care of you man they did put you in business yo it was economy it was fucking nice yo it was just i was not used to nothing because i'm looking around like i get to keep these soaps the water's different over here the water's different in delta it's like it's the same fucking flight you've taken there that's toilet water sis delta yeah they scoop it right out the little that little blue thing yo the hotel was so nice i'm so glad i brought my vibrator oh okay baby baby yo that vibrator we talking about that housekeeper i left her about 50 hours i was like she gonna have to clean some stuff it was dripping from the ceilings it was like you know clean up on l7 clean up on

l7 target target shoppers clean up on l7 dripping drip drip yeah came to dripping drip drip honestly I don't understand anybody who would come to a hotel room and not at least bust a nut at least once well the room that you were in was kind of sexy it was so sexy it was like a glass wall between the bed and the you could shower yeah you could literally it was like yo I wanted to give my room to somebody who was fucking yeah so they deserved it yeah you know I wasn't gonna be doing that but it was it was cute that's nice and then there was a tub I had a tub and I flooded the bathroom because you know i'm not i can't have nice things you flood the bathroom because you poop i'm sorry how did you poop in the tub how do you flood a bathroom in a hotel well they had

the shower head that's like on top of the tub it comes down the shower head that's not for black women yeah the rain the rain style yeah they y'all need to cut that shit out no actually honestly sis it's for me now i shower in those things and i'm like look at me i used to shower with my head at an acute angle so like my hair wouldn't get wet because I wasn't wearing a shower cap

but now flourishing it's unacceptable okay so Rainforest Cafe style shower yes and then

and then there's like a shower head that's on the on the side okay so I turn the knob and like the

Rainforest thing is on and the shower head is at the same time okay so I'm thinking there's a drain in the floor I was like

oh, this shower head is on and this water's coming out, but there's got to be some holes for this water to... Did you see holes? Woo, baby. Sounds like a hard no. Honey, that floor was flooded

like some denims. It was so high up that I was like, how did this happen to me? Were you in the tub? Wait. No, I went in the living room and I was on FaceTime talking shit

and then I came back and I was like, uh. There's no drain. Did you put your car down for incidentals? No? I did. It was $300.

When I was at the front desk, I was like, yo, when am I getting this money back? They were like, well, it's just a hold in case you flood the tub. I said, the way Venmo debit work, the way it's set up, it basically take the money out, and then they put it back in when y'all release. Okay, wait. And they were at the front desk like,

Venmo credit, what? They were like being very loud about it. What hotel were you at? The SNS. Oh, okay. Room 112, where the players dwell. Where the players dwell. Yeah, peaches and cream, I hear.

I love this. And then Alec Baldwin threw some shade at you. He did, but it was in the contract that I had to be nice. Like I could not, like before I was pitching a whole bunch of stuff to do on the red carpet, and they were like, yeah, this feels too roasty.

Yeah, this feels like you're not going to be nice. yeah yeah like you have to and i was just like they really they really like tied your hands and i was like do you listen to the podcast and they were like no no that's hilarious honey because they do hey comedy central how y'all doing who doesn't listen to the pod hello hello goodbye good night um so yeah i had to be nice because they were going to be roasting in the real show So the red carpet had to be Like a friendly Non-hostile environment

I thought that was a great idea When I saw that I was like That's so fun You didn't like it? The just being nice to Alec Baldwin Before he goes in there? I thought that was so good To be nice to a straight white man

On TV An old straight white man It is so wrong It shouldn't be allowed You felt conflicted, friend Oh, it was problematic You had to pray on it? Talked to my lawyer about it

I was like She spoke to her past Do I really have to post this? I don't want anybody to see this. But I did and everybody loved it. They thought it was funny. But he commented on my forehead. He said that I have a magnificent forehead, which is like the shadiest thing that you

could do as like an old white man. What? That's not the shadiest thing you do as an old white man. It's shadiest things that you could do. Because like old, rich white people will point out something and they'll be nice about it, but they're really sick. Oh, look at those common sneakers that you have on. Those are quite fine.

Oh, those are kids? Ah, quite nice. No, Sydney. Poor people throw shade, too. Don't do that. Poor black people do that. Yeah, you're right. Medium-wealthed Asian folks do it.

Everybody's throwing shade. It's not an old white guy thing. Honestly, sis, today, I'm tired. Like, I've been through a lot this week, so I really just can't bring it today on the pod. I'm gearing up for the next episode. I'm warming up nigga it's gonna get hot you know

next episode I mean I feel great thank you so much for asking I just saw okay so I've been seeing apartments for the last month Marie you're doing such a great job I'm proud of you for looking for an apartment so I'm not homeless next month yeah thank you for being proud I'm so

proud I mean there's only 10 days less than 10 days left of the month and I am cutely just cute and homeless so we'll see what happens but it's nice it's a nice place i saw an apartment the other day two days ago that was so small that was so small that when i opened the door to the bedroom it didn't open all the way and it was just a twin size bed in the room new york y'all gotta go like the all of new york and the real estate and what y'all think is appropriate bitch you have

nerve taking me to this hole in the fucking wall yeah a mouse lives here this is a mouse house A mouse house. Exactly. Minnie and Mickey. The dog don't even fit in the house. That's how little. It's fucking Alice in Wonderland. Sis.

I was like, this is gross. Alice in Wonderland for a clueless, like, homes in the Beverly Hills prices. It was crazy. It's stupid. And I was so disappointed because it was such a good block. It was like a brownstone line street in Bed-Stuy. Really long windows. And you walk in and you're like, ooh, this is going to be cute.

This is going to be like the house and sex in the city. That big ball for Carrie. No. I was like, the whole thing was the size of the studio. Tragic. I was like, okay, let's talk about real tragedy. Okay, let's talk about it. So, you know, I'm unemployed, but I be booking things.

And I booked this thing. And when I got there, before I got there, they were like, you have hair and makeup showing up at this time. And I was like, I don't have any hair. I don't need hair there. And they're like, we're going to put you in some wigs, sis. And I was like, already knew it was going to be bad. Problematic.

Bad. racist and homophobic and I should have bought one of my old wigs but I didn't you were unprepared unprepared you you put your trust in the white lord and uh in blue-eyed blonde-haired Jesus and this is what happened so I get there and it's two white women and I was like well it don't matter whose hair and whose makeup this is gonna be trash I can already tell feel it okay I felt it in my uterus and um they didn't have no mirror set up like how are you doing hair and makeup and you don't have mirror with the lights on it like we we just doing this by I'm so disappointed they made me look so dry okay let me see the pictures okay well the first thing the wig was a straight

wig with she didn't pluck the part she didn't put no concealer in the part I was like what shelf was the wig on was it on the first shelf or the middle shelf i think she got this wig at like a white people wig place oh for the for the like locks for love i think it was like a king kim zolciak oh like but like you know where people who got like alopecia is that what it is whatever it was just like it was like you know jewish women got to wear wigs when they get married it's one of those but no but their wigs be looking good it didn't look like anyway i was like is this a is this a synthetic human blend it was bad friend i'm surprised you let them do that that doesn't even sound like you well i was like my contract said i i don't have to you know what let's not

even we ain't gotta talk about it but uh okay wait and then don't scroll because i want to tell you what happened after that okay so i look like the chick from chewing gum oh my god when she put Yeah, the wig, it was so bad. And my head was hot, so I took the wig off, and she comes running over, and she's like, yeah, please don't, don't take it, like, don't take it off. Like, I have to do it. Marie, this looks like when I was going through a relapse.

Oh, my God, please give me my phone back. You look like me. Give me my phone back! This is when you try to kiss your doye? This is what you look like? Oh, bitch. Rude. Okay, so then, so we shot two videos with that wig.

Then we have to shoot more. There's, like, there's another wig. It's blonde. I see her curling it. No! it looked like it looked like a Shirley Temple

ombre wire hangers there's no part in the wig so it's just like a free form just whatever

so already it had bangs no it was probably supposed to have bangs but there was no part let me see oh I don't have

any pictures of that wig no I have no photos of that wig because what happened is they put me in a teal eyeshadow wait so you don't

have pictures of the eyeshadow or nothing They put me in a teal eyeshadow That I actually liked But she didn't put no liner on me She didn't put no lashes She just put It was bad

And then they put the wig on top of my head And I was like there's no way There's no way I'm not I would have texted my lawyer Immediately like first of all I'm not posting Any of this second of all how dare they Well let's

How dare The gag is Okay you know what Wait hold on Wait let me see Let me see Okay so Come on Marie

Stop it They put the wig on me And by the way That the clients were looking And you know They're not from America Yeah they swallowed They were like

And I was like I need to see a mirror Right now Just right now And they were like Everyone's scurrying They trying to find a mirror The makeup artist

Gives me this little mirror On like the front of her palette It's tiny No I look at myself the little I said I'm not wearing this wig and I snatched it I didn't I snatched it right off and the client was like yeah it was it was too much you know yeah yeah you know this is the shit that we go through though this is the bullshit that it's like first of all it's

clear that y'all you've never touched a um a brown person's face but like it was so bad and I look ashy, and I look wild, and they didn't put anything on my face. Oh, my God! Yo! Crazy! Girlfriend! You should sue them. Well, girl, you know, the gag is

I haven't signed my contract yet for the work that was rendered, so I need them to figure this out. That's insane. It's like that meme of putting on the clown makeup. You know that one? Sis, this is straight up wrong. Girl, it was... So...

she didn't blend it what the fuck is this but they were giving each other like tips and tricks and pointers and she's like yeah you know the body brown is better coverage and I was like y'all ain't got no Marie did you zoom in I zoomed in and I'm like

y'all ain't got no Fenty back there this is not my friend I don't know this woman I don't know him I don't know that man I couldn't tell you if I see him in the street girl I don't know this man I'll walk right by him I'm sorry for him

sorry sorry to this man yo sorry to this man they put they okay imagine that

with a blonde Janice Combs wig imagine the Britney Spears extensions sis we have to sue girl you

you need to send that in the email and say hey guys just want to let you know what I look like girl but

look at my face dry like you don't drink water and you drink nothing but water exclusively it's like whatever makeup they use sucked up all the moisture it was like a spot it was like they were just putting little pieces of

makeup on like you know when you have a pimple you put a little toothpaste on just the pimple that's how the lady applied my makeup Marie I think that should be your I don't think so honey white women that can't do makeup yes I mean I think I think that they all think that they know what they're doing because the way that these women were talking while they were doing my face i was like oh

you would think that they're creating a masterpiece and then that andrew you want to weigh in on this you want to no it's why it's absolutely crazy i do think that you should do as a year i don't think so honey i feel like there's a lot more than just one minute though for that oh i could talk about it for three years what just like to be a black makeup artist or a black hairdresser you have to know how to do everybody's hair because they don't want you to just be out here doing braids on bow derrick braids on white women but to be a white makeup artist or a white hair person you only need to be able to do white people's i don't think that person knows how to do anybody's makeup to be honest there's no technique i don't know what the fucking style

is using her fingers honestly like what brush did she it's not none of the brushes were proper sis they weren't using real hair she had a whole kit of synthetic hairs yeah there's toothbrush Fibers No horse hair Toothbrush fibers They used toothbrush fibers To put on that eyeshadow Everything was recycled

Paintbrush fibers It was I was like And then they were Taking pictures of me While I was on set And I was like Is this for your portfolio

Like where Where are you going With these images Did you Did you tell them To drop it to you Airdrop it No

But one of them Okay so the The makeup artist Tagged She posted some of the photos Bitch let me see I removed the tags Okay but

Can we I'm not following her sis so I can't I don't even know like what I should have done has been like you need to take these down but I don't even know

what her I don't know I didn't follow her I removed the tags I just was like you know what let me this is you know that's all the money

she gonna make for the year she never gonna work again not in this town but that's what I'm saying Marie you should definitely get her like I would be like I need her name and her information

and this person should never work nowhere near me the wig look like that but like big girl like that's the color the wig was marie like a clown like a clown but i think what happened is they went to my instagram and they're like oh the last time she had hair it was a blonde ombre which is blended though right but it's also not a wig so you just think that you're gonna yeah this isn't a wig right so but that was the last hairstyle that i had before

this is such a good picture of us i know macy's can we should we get this blown up uh yeah and and I'll hang it over my bed in my new apartment. Should we do that? That'd be nice, Marie. Should I? Yes, Sydney. Put this on your wish list. You need a big photo of us for your new apartment.

Why are you making that noise? Why are you pouting? I don't know. She forgot? I'm getting sad. She's sorry. Oh, girl. Anyway, that's what's happened in the last week.

Also, when we were on the plane flying back from Miami. Oh, let's talk about this, baby. Sydney, Amina, and I were all on the same flight, and then carolina caught a flight to la guardia because she dumb and so the amina moved up to sit with us and you know like i stood up and like we were like moving things around and then the flight attendant comes over and she's like sir loud did you wait you couldn't hear the stewardess at all throughout the whole thing then all of a sudden she gets to marie and sir shouting shouting yelling that the volume that we're talking about it was crazy everyone heard everyone heard the sir heard

around the world she said sir but it was me that I rang I rang that she didn't even look at Amina or me she looked directly at Marie and was like sir you rang the and I was like I was like who is she talking to like it took me

so she said sir twice no no no so then she comes back she leaves and then she comes back I don't know 20 minutes later it was like 10 minutes later and she was like sir a snack for you sir any snacks shouting about these damn pretzels sir and then and then amina was like it's a she it's a she and the woman

goes oh she was like well i wasn't even i wasn't even noticed i didn't even notice i didn't even pay attention the sun was in my eyes she said there was a glare there was a glare we're on a plane the fuck are you talking about the sun is in whose eyes and then and then she said you must get that a lot oh no i and yo irene it gave you and i looked at her name like i said i like this the slickest shade listen when i got home palm tree was very full when i got home i did the american airlines uh customer survey so fast you did i was like they misgendered me yeah well that's what we were talking about i was like she misgendered my friend that's unacceptable but meanwhile i didn't even say anything i was like they were i was like let's see how this

bans out and then when Amina was like it's a she she's like oh that's why she's laughing over there because I was like why do you keep calling her sir so loud I took a picture of Marie because I was like well let me show you what she sees and I was like what are you wearing I was like well hold on let me show you

well now that we're showing photos hold on I think I had on this shirt and a hat Andrew my face looked exactly the same wait what kind of hat though my little like Brooklyn cycling cap oh but like that's not yeah she was like the sun was in my eyes it's a glare up here i was like what no we are surrounded by clouds and you are being a shady beige bitch and then i was like well i want two

snacks and she was like okay and she gave me two snacks and then the plane lands three hours later and the woman sitting in front of me pops up so fast she was like you guys had me cracking up the entire flight she was like when that lady called you sir she was like i wanted to turn around and see your face so bad oh wait oh you're coming from miami let me see let me see let me see let me see you had a little gay trip yeah but that doesn't look like uh look like the sun is in my eyes in that picture andrew andrew i thought you was an ally definitely not and you're canceled irene irene from american airlines is also canceled i stand with irene i what you oh wow He said, I'm with her.

I'm with her. Irene was like, sir, screaming the sir at the top of her lungs. I was like, you know what? I will never fly American Airlines again. Also, Miami is canceled. We're no longer doing Miami. Anyway, that's what happened. And now I'm hungry again.

But I'll never fly American Airlines again. It's dead to me. A little bagel? A little bagel, maybe. Andrew, what's going on with you? What's new in the life of you, friend? We had a week. uh we're not hoeing as much we're still doing it like once a week but you're still what you mean

we're not as much as my oh as much as how much were you hoeing before uh to an extent that my therapist was like if you even consider it you need to call me instead and i was like oh okay okay the therapist had to get had to step in okay linda um okay irene's daughter linda uh and no but i did i did hook up with someone but i thought you said you was gonna stop hoeing like it's how you how you stop hoeing but you're still hooking up with other people yeah i know i want to but then it's just like this is all they want you gotta give the people what you don't want you don't want a relationship it's about to be wintertime though i know i need to fully i am going on a date tonight though with who whom um dj uh andrew how are you young though dj he i don't

know does he have another job no he works a very he said that he works for an outerwear company i don't know so canada goose i don't know he's working you should definitely go on a date with him so you can get a little free canada goose that would be cute yeah a little ll bean parka we'll see how that goes um but i went to the bar on wednesday night and you know how like there's like always like the one guy at the bar that's like a little bit like creepy just like watching everybody you know that was you no no no that was my mate for the evening unfortunately you hooked up with the bernard i know little old french guy no no uh he was cute and then i then he came back to my apartment not as cute and he was not as cute as you're at your house or what happened

at the house was not as cute oh both both absolutely he was uh very drunk he was on top all we didn't do anything because he was about to like we were about to do things and then he was on top of my naked body and then he says i he mumbles something saying the word love and i'm like wait this is crazy and i'm like wait what are you saying right now and then he says i'm damn well near in love with you and i'm like oh yeah you're not inserting anything inside of me and so then then i ask him bernard do you know what my name is you used his name to ask him what he says um i'm thinking a james oh and i was just like get out get out of my house he said but andrew don't act like no you haven't hooked up with somebody who don't know your name

stop it oh my god no but you don't tell me that you're in love i love you yes and you like james love and i was like love is blind and it'll take over your mind love can't love also is deaf it can't hear either love also doesn't have a very good it has amnesia amnesia love has alzheimer's yeah could you be forgetting and then you're like i love i mean no i don't but yeah no no and then he just left and then uh he like texted me the next day and he was like can i take you out or something i was like you're like what he was like yeah and then did you sign it as james yeah no i said no absolutely not uh james could do better james deserves that yeah that is wild Sidney, who are you texting right now?

Yeah, what's going on? What's happening over there? Drama. And that's that. If you're not going to talk about it on the podcast, you shouldn't be dealing with it on the podcast. Okay. Because you've got your phone in your hand,

and Andrew's telling us his truth. I know. And you don't even care. Well, it's not that I don't care. Oh, God. It's just that you have to put your foot down. I did put my foot down. He left.

We didn't do anything. You know what he didn't put? He didn't put his ass down. okay bye i mean andrew how often you think you're changing your sheets oh yeah that's another all these people oh no i'm usually i usually don't host though he lived in harlem so ah i was not gonna make you are doing long distance honey okay yeah i'm not going out to harlem though he's coming you know from west village to chelsea oh so you're saving him and he's community service paying for the uber yes work i see what you're doing you should put that

your taxes write it off yeah right yeah no i uh i matched with this dude like beginning of the summer and we never like we would like chit chat and we changed numbers but he never asked me out so i never like i forgot what he looked like whatever and i had deleted tinder when i left and when i came back and then he messaged me this week and was like hey stranger or something he had messaged me a couple weeks ago and he told me he lived in queens so i was like well i'm not i'm not going to queens i don't give a damn how fluffy a beard is yeah right so i like ignored him and he messaged me this weekend was like hey stranger somebody forgot me again and i didn't respond because again queens and then he was like okay well be well like the next he just kept

like kept responding to himself oh no so the last message he sent me was so are we ever going to meet in person and I said no I was like you know I lost interest like we've been talking since we matched before June like before I went to Paris and he was like yeah you said you were gonna hit me up when you came back yeah I've been back I've been back I said I don't even remember what you look like and he was like you know it's crazy because I recognize you now and I was like from where and he was like I've seen your performances and I was like okay well my pussy just dried up So we can stop talking right now. And I was like, I don't even remember what you look like,

but you've seen me perform. And I was like, that's weird. And he was like, I don't think that's weird. Stalkers. I don't think that that's weird. I just saw you perform like a couple months back. Weird. Like a live thing.

Yeah, he was at a comedy show and saw me perform. And was like, I don't think that's weird. I was like, well, I don't remember what you look like, so it's weird to me. Marie, you're too famous. You're too famous to like online date now. No. What you talking about?

I feel like Hilary Duff was on Raya. I feel like if... Raven-Symoné is going to be on Raya for a long ass time. So sorry. Nobody wants any parts of Raven-Symoné. Nobody wants that. That's a raven. Raven being on Raya is that's a raven.

That is so raven. I mean, I saw an episode of Basketball Wives and Shawnee O'Neal went on like speed dating with Evelyn Lozada. And all the dudes that were there were garbage. And it was obviously staged She was supposed to be funny. Right.

But she was saying, like, it's really hard to date. My ex-husband is Shaquille O'Neal. And she never changed her name. And she never changed her name. Well, you know, it's a lot of paperwork. You got to change your social. You got to change it on everything. Yeah.

Ladies, just don't change your name in the first place. Yeah. Stay a Washington or a Faustin. I am. I'll always be a Washington. Yeah. It's just like, what's the sense of... Would you hyphenate?

No. Because I feel like Washington is a long-ass last name already. I'm not hyphenating anything. You wouldn't go Washington-Faustin? Faustin-Washington? Should we do that? Sidney-Faustin-Washington. Should we get married, Marie?

No, but we could take each other's last names. Yay! We could be like Jada Pinkett Smith. I love it! Melissa Joan Hart. I love! Freddie Prince Jr. Sidney-Faustin-Washington.

I mean, that's a lot. Andrew, what's your last name? You don't know my last name? McGuire guy, but I don't know what it... McGuire. McGuire, hello. Oh, don't you do that. your name is andrew that's what we go by but we just i've been here for a year you don't know my

last name we don't know a lot of people's last name we don't know a lot of things we don't know a lot of people clearly okay wow i know you're a mcguire guy but like it took me a minute and you damn i don't know after you took irene's side now you attacking me like this wow sorry sydney faustin washington mcguire i like sydney washington faustin that works okay I like, I like Faustin, Washington. You want Faustin first? Yeah, because W is the, like, that can't be first. We're going to be at the end of attendance, you know?

F is at the top. Okay, I'll do that. You sold me on it. Yeah. I mean, you didn't have to do that much. I was going to take your last name anyway. I go into places like, yes, I am Marie Faustin. Thank you.

I'll be taking that check. Thanks so much. And then I walk in and they're like, oh, you bought your boyfriend. Oh, my God. I'm like, yes, this is Sydney Washington over here. She's going through a couple of things. My bald colleague. She moved out.

So she lost her hair as well. Oh, my God. Anyway, I like being bald. I'm enjoying it more now than I was a week ago this time. We're going to be bald for a while. We like it. So, yeah, let's talk about that. Let's talk about we've been revamping the live show.

It's coming to you, New York City, October 12th, Union Hall. Yes, October 12th, Union Hall. We have Mary Beth Barone and Jay Jordan. They're going to be out. They're going to be battling each other to prove who is the unofficial expert of flirting. Yeah. It's going to be so much fun. It's going to be gorgeous.

It's going to be fun. It is going to be a battle. It's going to be fun because like Mary Beth is like the right amount of like shady and witty and smart and hot. And classy. And Jay is like hot and messy and confident and he flirts with everybody. He really is. He really be.

I mean it worked on me. and andrew was oh yeah he's mad too he's like jay you was talking about that shit you know don't talk about it be about it yeah but jay had a boyfriend you know he was hey boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend i've been conflicted i dm'd him last week i was thinking about it you dm'd him last week to say what oh my god let's just do it just do what hold on you just got done telling us that you wasn't gonna be a hoe you're a liar and you're a liar okay but I slid in Jay's DMs. It's someone that I know.

You don't know him. It's someone that you want to know. I met him. You met, yeah, exactly. Okay, but it's not like the other people. Andrew, you slid in his DMs and said, we should just do it. Well, we have DMed past that one episode that he was on for a little while. What did you say?

Show us the DMs. Oh my God, I'm not showing you the DMs. Show us. We want to see it. No, absolutely not. We want to see the nudes that you sent on Instagram. No, it's one of those pictures that disappear after you send them. As our producer, you should be keeping us in the loop about guests that have been on the pod and then you fraternizing with them after.

Okay, as our gay, tall producer intern, you should be telling us all of the mess. Yeah, I'm telling you right now. I don't know. I think I have to do a write-up. Oh, my God. I think I got to write you up on this. Who do I got to talk to? I'm going to go to HR.

For what? For not telling you who I want to? Exactly. Andrew, I am disappointed in you. Disappointed with me for wanting to hook up with Jay Jordan? Wow, you put it on a wax, huh? You spelled it out. J-B-C-D-E-F-G.

You did not hold back, huh? Wow. Y'all gays are real out there. I mean, I would make the commute. He's all the way up in Harlem, too, no? Where is he? I don't know, sis. Wherever his boyfriend live, boo.

So true. me and you are gonna we're gonna do unofficial expert live we're gonna go head to head oh i need to fight you i really feel like we have some like unresolved tension i don't know where i stand with you ever i'll be neither me neither i'm always like i'm always like well me and andrew talk more than andrew talks with marie but somehow he's always i don't know i know i i called marie a few weeks ago with an issue that I knew probably wouldn't be able

to be resolved with you. Ooh, unresolvable. Okay, let's talk about it. Wait, hold on. Maria's the media. It was the episode that I talk about. Oh, we're just talking

about everyone that I've had sex with, I guess, this episode. That's your fault. Sorry, that's just, I guess. That's who you are. That's your brand. Your rectum is out there, boo.

Okay. I hope my rectum is not out. The anus is communal. Book busy list. but it was the episode that I talk about having sex with someone that I literally met

on the street your anus is a hostile ah the homeless man the hostile bird he was not homeless he was very hot he had on a backpack he looked like Jamie Foxx

he was very very hot he looked like Jamie Foxx he literally yes you asked me that episode and then I saw him on the street the next week

and I was like okay I'm seeing you in the broad daylight did he still look like Jamie Foxx he looked like Jamie Foxx he stopped me on the street he looked like Ving Rhames

your butt is a soup kitchen I hate you cutting that out you better you better leave it in there you do not disrespect my butt

like that oh no you don't disrespect your own butt buddy we're fighting right now okay you know what first I'm gonna reel this back in

cause y'all are woo okay I have a listener question and then we gotta go because we got other episodes that we gotta record

Sydney found her energy she found her groove back it took me some time it's literally you bitch just shading Andrew's butt hole Andrew you fire me up you want me to get fired I want you to be here

actually you quit your job and didn't even let us know you just posted it on the insta stories and somebody hit us up like did he quit oh I know yeah and I said who does that but I knew that you had been thinking about it oh yeah I quit my other job we had discussed it

what was the question okay listening from new mexico exclamation mark uh this is ray cupcake wanted to slide in your dms to add to the oh it's a confession okay so first of all hoe is life okay i've been with my dude now for two years first real relationship of my life we agreed to be monogamous i'm 28 now he's much older than me treats me so damn good sends me on vacations all that good shit so my confession is that i really miss being a hoe different dude every night kick him out or leave the rush of mysterious sexy life andrew you know what i'm talking about um this is my question does this mean i'll never be happy settling down or is this part of the transition into the locked down

life what do we think she's 28 so you're 28 you're not ready and she said he's much older than her so he's ready he's ready he's been ready he's been living that life so he know what to do to get you ready for the life that he wants. But how does she play this? Because she, I mean, does it say that she lives with him? No, it doesn't say that he lives. Say you need some space. And then hoe it up for like three weeks and then come back.

She said he treats her so damn good, sends her on vacations, blah, blah, blah. He paying her for stuff. Sis, just like quietly hoe it up. No, take a break. Say, listen, I need some space. I'm going through some things. Go for three weeks and then come back. Okay, but then you know he's going to ask, like,

are you going to see other people? He's not going to ask that. He will absolutely ask that. But her question is, does it mean she'll never be happy settling down? No. You're just not ready right now. You're just 28. You're young.

28? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, we're young. Come on. Let's do it. Oh, that's right. We got time.

28. 29 this year. Getting closer to 30 every day. Right. Yikes. All right. Well, what do you guys think? Is this person, I don't think you're a bad person, sis.

You just got to tell him that you need some time. You guys need to take a break. And you saying you want to hoe, but it was just hot. It's about to get cold. All that shit is going to switch up. You're going to be too tired to leave your house to go fuck somebody. You're going to be lonely, you think? It's just too much work.

Bitch, when it rains, I'm like, ah. Well, I'm not horny anymore. When it rains? I'm horny when it rains. The rain is hitting the tin roof. Okay, but what about when it's snowing? Where are you hooking up? In her new apartment, sis.

Hitting the tin roof, you know? And you're like, it reminds you of that time that you were in Portugal, you know what I mean? We out here, we out here just being a hoe. Anyway, I feel like we accomplished a lot today, okay? We did. We did. Andrew, you feel good about what we talked about?

We talked about some unresolved issues, I think. Okay, well, what- Andrew, we're gonna go toe-to-toe and it's fine. I'm not, we don't have to do it in this episode. I feel like if y'all go toe-to-toe, both of y'all gonna lose. I don't feel like neither of you guys is gonna win. I think that we're both two emotional beings.

I think Marie, Marie is like a little bit, I don't know. A little bit more mature than you guys? No, not mature. No, that's you saying that. But I think that we're more in touch with our emotions than I think Marie is. Is that not true? Do y'all need to be that much? But I don't, I feel like we could really hurt each other if possible.

Which is crazy because I check on you. I like see how you're doing. Yeah, but you also, you are also mean to him. You are mean. You're rude to him. You're rude to me. Literally, when we walked in today, he came to pick us up. You didn't even say hello when we walked in here.

And I was five minutes late. You've been 30 minutes late before. That was that one time. Andrew did arrive five minutes late and me and Sydney were on time and we lost our minds. You were like, look at us. I'm so sorry. But I also offered half of my bagel to you. I was kidding.

I love you. Yes, but still Sydney, when he came up, when he got here, you didn't even say hello. Andrew, I always message you when people have comments that are positive. That don't mean that you're nice, sis. That means you pick and choose when you're nice. I don't know. I went through my DM. I responded to a story of yours the other day.

And then I looked at our DM conversation. I've responded to so many of your stories. Never get a response. Every time that I respond to Marie's stories, always a response. We kiki a little bit. And Marie also responds to my stuff too. I'll be out here. I'm looking at things

Okay Sydney Out here trying to encourage My gay tall sexy Slutty ass producer And you just Well I'm glad That you guys are friends Keep it up

Stop Alright well The new unofficial expert Starts next week And it's going to be Me and Andrew That's fine And I feel like

That's what the people Want to hear It's constructive criticism And our first guest Is going to be Our mean expert Sydney Faust in Washington Love it

The people want you To host this as well So I'll just I'll just leave You going to go where Where you going to go sis you ain't got no headboard stop he ain't got no bed sir sir do you need a beverage to shut the fuck up yeah i'm gonna take a drink at this pub in spring guys uh come to the live

show come to the live show buy tickets we try to sell that bitch out and it's not even like that it's not crazy it's union hall like this shit is not sold out i'm not fucking putting another episode out you'll never hear you'll never get an episode okay wait so let's talk about it uh So the live show, the next one with Jay and Mary Beth for the flirting expert is October 12th at 10 p.m. Union Hall. And then we're doing a show for New York Comedy Festival Saturday, November 9th. Also, another live version of the podcast. And then we'll be in Chicago at some point.

Oh, no, that's the 9th or something. I don't know. I don't know what the date is, but we'll figure it out. Chicago in the fall. So, you know, wait for us. Look for us. Also, Toronto, we haven't forgotten about you. We have not.

We did a little bit. but also no we didn't we did send out our the merch is coming the merch is coming bitch are you ready

coming honey it will be a night no a day to remember when it comes out you can wear a merch to prom

yeah okay and you can cut it up you can get fucked in unofficial expert merch you can get fucked by wearing merch

merch and then you can use it to wipe yourself out yeah it's really good to it's really good absorbent for like all the cum cooch cooch juice yeah if you're squirting and whatnot right get it right out the right off the

tv anyway guys thank you so much each shirt comes with a free thing of poppers by the way we love you so much rate comment subscribe uh the patreon we gonna get that together too but we put it we put an episode out and people are happy it was like a cool month ago people are already like where's the patreon really yeah that's how long ago it was okay okay we got you we're gonna do it we're gonna do it in sydney's studio okay perfect oh fuck you okay goodbye bye this has been a forever dog production executive produced by brett boehm joe cilio and alex ramsey for more original podcasts please visit forever dog podcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news

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