MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Fake in the Front w/ Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar

Episode Date: November 28, 2024

In this Thanksgiving special of MESS! Sydnee and Marie dive into holiday antics and mess with guest siblings Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar! They discuss everything from holiday naps, Christmas decorations, favorite Thanksgiving dishes, dating woes, and dental disasters. Happy Thanksgiving!    Don’t forget to write in your messy stories at [e-mail], or call in at [phone] to have your MESSages read live on air! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

we are doing mess live can you believe a december 1st at union hall in brooklyn new york 5 p.m after brunch have your second brunch with us what bottomless because i'm not wearing pants see you then you're listening to mess okay wow wow wow wow i just woke up from taking my third nap of the day No way. Really? You took a nap? Let's talk about the itis.

You're not really a nappy girl. This video, this episode, Sydney, I feel like you know me. We've been doing podcasts for years. You know that I'm talking in future tense. Oh, yes, yes. And you're like, you took three naps today. People listening to this probably have their pants unbuttoned. They laying on their mama's couch, but they're not talking to their dad.

Facts, facts, facts, facts. Yeah. Me, on this day, you can't even see me. I'm in a corner somewhere. I put a blanket right over my head. Don't speak to me. Exactly. Yeah.

Exactly. And with us today, we have, I think this is our first ever sibling duo. Yeah. No, we've had twins, but we haven't had sister, sister. Well, twins is sister, sister. Oh, yes. That's right. Absolutely.

Yeah. Hey, hey. just want i this all of this the way i'm acting is you'll know why when i present my mess oh yes that's what it is okay love it um all right well let's bring them in so that we can all talk about our mess together you know her you love her she's an actress she's a writer she's probably the busiest black woman in america emmy nominated the very booked they're very beautiful it's amber ruffin hi hi get messy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then of course um you i think you know her too absolutely you should yeah they have a podcast together you better know you better know who she

is lacey ruffin as well lamar but you can say lacey ruffin lamar i'm for it anyway we have two sisters here for uh this very um yummy thanksgiving episode of mess so let's talk um we walked into this building today and the Christmas tree was up looking real majestic. I don't like it. What?

I don't like it. Well, damn Grinch. Hold on. No, it is mess when they are just slamming Christmas at us right after Halloween.

I don't want it. I don't want it. Put some gobble gobble up cranberry gobble girl we are in a cranberry sauce.

In corporate America what is a sexy work appropriate turkey? I don't know. Put a little turkey with a hat on it or something. I don't want

I don't need all these trees. I don't want the Rockettes out. Mariah Carey, take a break. Take a break. We want you December 1st. She's already defrosted, babe. Okay. Amber, Amber, Amber.

Halloween is Christmas. It's Christmas in our house. Halloween is Christmas. Christmas is now. Christmas was on Halloween, and then every day since, it's now. Now it's extra Christmas. Fuck the pilgrims. We don't give a fuck.

We don't give a fuck about the pilgrims. No, we don't care about the pilgrims. We'll eat their turkey. Well, we'll eat the turkey. We'll eat the Native American turkeys. The Pilgrim turkey, you know, is unseasoned. Until y'all come out with some Thanksgiving bangers. There's no Thanksgiving music.

That's how much no one cares about Thanksgiving. There's no Thanksgiving music. You do not hear Mariah saying, it's not Thanksgiving. Yeah. Nothing. What was the Charlie Brown kids dancing to on Thanksgiving? Because they were dancing to something. Oh, it's a little keyboard.

It's like they're on the piano. No, that's the Christmas pageant that they're dancing at. I wrote that song thank you so we know how Sydney feels about Christmas and the trees and everything so if you're saying Christmas is Halloween you're saying that you should just start celebrating from then all the way through yes both of y'all feel like this yes absolutely absolutely you have three well how many how many houses do you have this is true I have I feel like y'all stringing lights outside as well on the trees

you do used to do that when we were younger we still did my dad used to do the trees outside as well he got a family of reindeer on the on the front yard they're real I feel like y'all are not worried about um you know electricity over there you're running it up the lights are always on over there 100 yes the two most expensive months of my life okay so so speaking of you're like fuck the pilgrims so should should we really be celebrating thanksgiving that's that's the real question for me i feel like it should be canceled we should be done there should be some something to replace it well black people have you know sunday sunday dinner that's our i feel like thanksgiving like if you if you're constantly cooking in the house then you're not making a

big deal on this one day but we're not celebrating thanksgiving we're all just taking the same two days off of the week that's right to go home and argue with our family yeah and or or stunt on your auntie that you don't really like as much just show up like look how much better than y'all i'm doing like thanksgiving is about you know family feud it's about you know saying something and eating something and then leaving in a huff. I feel like that's, it's not, we're not celebrating the pilgrims. We're not celebrating Columbus. Shoes with a big buckle

on the front. We don't, we don't recognize Jon Snow at my house. That's done. I agree. What's his name, Jon Snow? Jon Smith. Jon Smith. Close enough. No, we like Jon Snow at my house. I knew who you were talking about. One of them Johns. You know how the Johns do.

Listen, I like Jon Snow. My bad. I misspoke. from the dragon show yeah shout out to whatever i love knowing his little baby hairs he's cute so yeah when you when y'all are going home are you anticipating anything is there people that you are like i don't want to run into because they're either going to ask me for money or their stuffing is not going to taste good for on i can't speak for amber but 99 of thanksgiving is just eating food that's all us about i don't care who i see i don't care amber don't show up i'm still eating i'll text her

i want to eat food it's not about who comes who's coming home and we don't we don't have a big a big family we do have a big family um but it's about look i'm gonna see how i went over that it's about the collard greens and the mac and cheese if i don't have those two things i will flip the whole thanksgiving table over you better get this table she will flip a table teresa teresa judice angry oh how you know my mama's name so give me give me three things that must be on the table in order for you to be like this is thanksgiving stuffing stuffing hate it hate greens greens okay greens it's a tie i need mac and cheese but i also need the mashed potatoes oh mac and cheese you know what let me text my mom about the greens because she asked me what she should make and i forgot

She better get them greens ready. She better have them ready. Mashed potatoes is going to be, if there's a top five, mashed potatoes is going to be fifth. Yeah, I could live without it, but I like to mix those. I like to mix the stuffing with the mashed potatoes and put the gravy on there. What?

That's too much. Everyone's so creative. That's a lot of starch. That's a ton of starch. It's for that day. That day is nothing but starches and bad decisions. I will say, yes, Thanksgiving is like a gluttonous. The plate should be bigger than a regular-sized plate.

Right. And your pants, you're in pain. Then you go lay down for a little bit and see what more three hours later that you can squeeze in there. But the pants got to be soft. That's not a normal day. You need a soft pant. Well, I think everybody should come in with dressy sweats. There should be more dressy sweats, maybe something with a rhinestone in the back.

Juicy. Something say juicy. Juicy should make a whole Thanksgiving line of sweats. They should. Why are you dressed up? A little turkey on the booty. That would be cute. Just a small turkey on the booty.

Bebe, have a little Thanksgiving. Little set. I would like that. I would wear it. Remember Bebe? Remember Bebe. Did Bebe go bankrupt? No, Bebe.

I thought that they came back. They did. I still have emails. They still have things coming out. Is it from the hotmail? No. They're still getting coupons. They're still getting coupons.

They're still getting coupons. They still have dresses for formals and graduation and New Year's. They specialize in dresses for those three things. Let's make a vow to all get BB dresses for New Year's. And where I'm all y'all in the world, we'll send each other bitches. I'm all for it. Let's do that. I am all for it.

So, Amber, is it the same for you? Those are your three things that you need on the table as well for it to feel like Thanksgiving? That's exactly right. but also I need a pie choice. Let's go through the top three pies. Sweet potato.

That's number one. Then it goes apple and then it goes cherry. That's my exact feeling. Cherry's new. I feel like cherry's not always in the home. I don't know if I need three pies. I like an apple pie, warmed. So I could a la mode it with some ice cream.

And I guess I'll do a sweet potato pie. You always do sweet potato. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why you say yes? Because I don't really care about sweet potato. Are you not a sweets person? I am, but I'm not really a pie person. I'm a cake girl, you know?

Yeah. I'm a cake girl. Okay, I'll take it back. Right. I am a cake person more than a pie person, so I'm with you on that. My grandmother used to make yellow pound cake, and that is just enough.

Just in a little glaze of icing that she made the drizzle from scratch that was just enough my mom used to make that all the time my dad loves I miss the pound cake I don't know about the grandma no I do miss I miss her too

I miss Grammy but you know what speaking of Thanksgiving mess right now on TikTok is trending her name is Kimmy Creations she put out a recipe for a mac and cheese

And there are 13,000 comments because people are debating about mac and cheese because she's like, there's no egg, no oil, five cheeses. Does that make sense? Because I remember I was doing Sid Can Cook in the pandemic, obviously a high moment for the people watching, low moment for me. But I had to make mac and cheese three times. Everybody was like, your ancestors are disappointed. We're disappointed. The whole continent of Africa is upset. Like, I was fucking up mac and cheese left and right because people were saying to make a roux, don't put Munster in it.

Like, there was a lot of roux. Munster. Munster. You can't put Munster in mac and cheese, y'all. Or you can't let people know you did. Right. Because you can get away with five cheeses. Just don't let people see.

I would never walk through with some Munster, but I'm going to throw whatever cheese. ever cheat because you know all black if I said Munster to my mother she would slap my face and I would really if I said Munster to my mom she would be like Herman like she my mother would throw her bible at me you know what I mean and it was I I don't doubt that Munster's not delicious it's delicious but you can't you just can't you can't you can't let So you don't even need five cheeses. I feel like mac and cheese. Yes, I'm all for it.

Okay, so cheddar. She said you need Kobe Jack. You need mozzarella. Mozzarella for the consistency. And there's a little bit of flavor in it. Okay. There's sharp cheddar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Medium cheddar. Okay, two cheddars. Yeah. And Gruyere. Yes. All of those cheeses. Ooh, the creaminess. Oh, absolutely.

What about Gouda? Don't show. I mean, I'm going to throw some Gouda in there. Yeah. Don't let your mama see all the mother. All my mom wants to see is the cheddar and the Colby. That's all my mom wants to see. That's all my mom.

And guess what? Her mac and cheese was amazing. But, you know, we're going to try something different. It's 2024, babe. It's 20. Yeah. We're going to do it. We're going to add it.

Amber, are you making mac and cheese? I'm not cooking shit. If I cook something, you hungry, run. Don't eat any food I cook. the food i cook has a 50 hit ratio and by hit i don't mean it's good i mean by hit i mean another person could eat it it's edible like it's kind of edible amber who's cooking for you when you said a 50 hit ratio i thought you meant you had a 50 chance of getting of it oh no no of it being a hit that's what i thought oh okay one time who's cooking

the lord is cooking for me is that the lord behind you in the room I thought y'all was going somewhere they famously say you shouldn't you shouldn't have anybody in the kitchen during Thanksgiving if they don't know how if they're not if this is not their specialty

this is no time to try something out this is like either you got it or you don't one Thanksgiving I ruined the greens oh my sister that's very important how you ruin the greens you made them vegan i put in the wrong hot sauce oh i don't know what the hell i don't think that was a big deal i like to put in like a bunch of like gentle hot sauce that barely tastes like anything so the whole thing is like just a little bit almost spicy so that you can add your hot sauce however you see fit but i didn't

have regular hot sauce. I had a hot sauce, and the hot sauce said scotch bonnet. No! It's amber. You don't have to be Jamaican to know that bonnet pepper is hot. It was too hot to eat. You know I would eat that up.

I want something to burn my face off. I like it hot. My mom boils rice with a scotch bonnet pepper with the rice. My mom makes everything hot from scratch. Is that one of the hottest peppers?

It's a Caribbean pepper, so it's spicy. It's up there. I feel like it's up there. So, Amber, the family was like, this was a setup. You hate us. Yeah. My sister had come to visit, and she was really, really mad. Yeah.

But she also knew what she was getting into. Couldn't you water it down, or couldn't you throw some milk in it? Yeah, milk. Oh, Sydney. Or a potato. A potato. Everybody says put a potato in it. They do say that.

i think that could have happened to this okay but what's worse what's worse food that looks nasty but tastes good or food that looks good but tastes bad it's the one that looks bad i don't care what it looks like shoot yeah but if it looks bad you're probably not gonna put it on your plate you're gonna be like oh my yeah what is this i'm gonna let other people try it yeah the words got to get around because you're right i'm not gonna walk up to it and eat it right presentation is everything i'm gonna put a french fry on the plate and be like i'm gonna eat at the house and amber and i have learned our lesson we both got food poisoning at the same time no a family member was like three days that was somebody's potato salad oh you don't eat

everybody's potato salad and that's why you don't but when i tell you we tried the tiniest bit we just tried it we just did a taste test we're like not for me both way not the tiny bite got you eat coli so the eggs were spoiled for sure i don't know what it was uh but we had a friend's giving we no we were at my house we were having a little thing outside and everybody brought food and when i tell you i normally do not eat other people and this is why i never eat other people's food because i don't trust y'all i don't trust you should you should podcast i don't know none of y'all whoa you don't know us you don't know this one we're sisters in mics we're sisters in mics right now you don't know i might i might try i might but i don't recommend i don't recommend

normally i don't i don't trust people like that and i ate it and got sick i feel like as somebody who doesn't trust people you must listen to a lot of the stuff that people say what's the mess that's happening in nebraska right now like what do we what do the listeners need to know about your community i like this is the homeowners association beefing uh it's some does your neighbors not like let their like garbage pile up and then wait for somebody else these neighbors these neighbors are so sad that i'm here they riled up this big old afro this big old afro in a community baby girl talk to us talk to us they're trying to get you out they're racist with with a capital r yeah they are they are and you know what i am moving okay so i don't want to

give them that satisfaction i don't want to give them the satisfaction of me can you give us an example of how you know they're riled up oh okay um so one time i was visiting amber and when i came back from my trip my mailbox that i share with my neighbor had just slightly tilted over like this when i went to check the mail she came running out and said oh my god did you see the the mailboxes tipped and i said yeah and she i said did you see who did it she said no but we know the muslims did it we know the muslims did it there is a mosque down the street around the corner from our house and sometimes uh on fridays they'll park the parking fills up so they park on the street maybe 45 minutes they're in and they're out nothing has ever happened

but you know it's killing them there's some brown people are parking on the street by their house so she just assumed that it was I said well did you see it no but I know she's like I know that they did it so we've called the mosque several times to complain stop it and she was trying to get you on

their side yes she sure was yes yes she was yes she was the lady that said the Muslims did it is probably the same lady who started the rumor that they're eating the cats and they're eating the dogs they're eating the dogs she didn't see them do it but she know that she knows in her heart because how else could that have happened not a delivery person not a

child just driving down the street that can't drive not some random accident yeah the muslims did it damn you know the good thing about i feel like right now when we're going home or people who are already home i mean obviously the election was really upsetting for us that's the people on the call right now the people who are listening people on the call but a lot of people have to go home and deal with their family who actually voted for sir sir trump sir trump a lot and i'm like how do you have these discussions if you're that person they don't they don't they'd be like they were like pass the bland mac and cheese i also i am a member of this group in nebraska it's called the blue dot group because we are even though we're a red state we have a little

district that voted democrats so we're all in this group together and it's mostly white people and the white people are going insane and they're like several divorces have already uh wait several divorces are in the works and they're like does anyone know a good lawyer because i just found out my husband let it slip that he voted for trump or my you know my partner let it slip and i was like wow these people are leaving and i remember do you think that's uh do you think that's grounds for not being friends with somebody divorcing someone like cutting people completely out of your life let me sing my same old song yes yes you can cut out all these motherfuckers if they voted against your rights if they uh voted against your safety if they don't think

you are worth their effort in any way you can cut them out of your life as I would go as far as to say keeping people in your life who do not value your humanity is bad for you I would go that far so would I like drive by their house and like knock over their mailbox with a baseball bat yes I also would do that but I don't think you should do that I think you should be a better man I'm fucking doing that shit I love that for a small fee Amber and I will knock over some who you want us to we will knock over a mailbox for $50 you know I feel like this is one of my regrets in life is when I was young and it was like it made sense to do stupid stuff like that I didn't really do as many stupid things

like that as I should have. Like I should have you know, dug my key into the somebody's car up. I should have you know what I mean? Hit a mailbox or toilet paper to principal's house or something. Friend, you can still do that. You can still do it. At my big

age, it's embarrassing. No, it's not. Find a condom man. Let's go do something that works. Yeah. Tell me his coordinates, friend. I'll roll up. I will pull up and roll up. I don't think condom man has a car, but let's go rip up his mental part. Where's his mailbox?

Next time he's walking down the street with them oxtails, walk by, slap them oxtails out of his hand. But they run. Run, girl, because he could probably run fast. But knock him out of his hand. Yeah, he's tall. He definitely runs fast. We should go to the establishment and be like, your oxtails suck. No, no, no. Well, the oxtail people didn't do anything you need. Yeah, you're right. Well, they're

associated. You were put on by him. So everybody connected. Done. Let's put our heads together and figure out a way to ruin his week. Yeah, absolutely. OK, for for me. Oh, I was going to say that I I hate Thanksgiving because I'm not close with my family. So I'm constantly going to other people's homes and I hate when I go to people's homes and it's just like not organized at all. Like we're ordering McDonald's. There are there's there. Oh, we're going to get some Chinese.

I'm like, OK, so if I come to your house, we there's got to be some sliced ham. let me get some sliced ham just a little bit i don't we don't have to do turkey oh yeah i forgot about the ham i love ham too i love ham when they put the little pineapple on the top okay don't do that don't put no pineapple you don't need the pineapple i don't need it likes that with the fake cherries y'all don't do that that's what makes it a honey ham oh i don't like y'all I'll do sweet meat I'll do sweet meat sweet meat

I'm not mad at like a honey turkey honey ham is fine but stop there's not no tropical ham I'm saying if we're doing a whole ham why are you making it a tropical ham take that pineapple off of there Lacey expand your taste buds babe expand them

absolutely not I'm 50 we're not doing that I think this is we're not doing that for 50 like no she's 50 you're 50 I just said I'm not trying anything new that's 50 when you get to 50 you ain't gonna do shit you know what Lacey this is a mess this is a mess that you're 50 you look this damn good okay that's upsetting that's upsetting what are the kids gonna the the kids are 27 and they are looking haggaronis Morgan Freeman right now

27 and Morgan Freeman They gotta get that good skin care regime That's what they need to do They start drinking water They're beyond skin care babe First of all they're drinking Air One smoothies That cost half their mortgage They're drinking Dunkin Donuts

It is the coffee that's making people older I will say that But it's also people are just going straight to the doctors To get you know They're getting this removed They're adding this in here don't mess with your face i always say that don't mess with your face so y'all not getting botox no no i'm too scared but i had it i had it once i had it once and the man was like i will not give

this to you i said no i want this but we went round and round he was like okay fine and he did that first needle in my head and i screamed like a bitch and he was like oh no no no no don't back out now because now you're going to be lopsided not needle in my head it was so painful and it didn't he goes now look at you don't look no different and he was right so i never did it again now where was this doctor was it he related to the dentist brother like what full circle here and he straddled me when he put it on there too and i was like okay all right i'm sure you guys have some mess to share with us but we gonna share ours keep that mess marinated for us um marie you're up what's your mess of the week okay so i just want to give the people

an update on this the oxtail guy that i went on a date with the people wanted it they were like Thank you so much. You really provided. I met a guy on the street. He was carrying a bag. I was like, oh, what's that, your lunch? And he was like, yeah, I'm eating oxtail. And I was like, oh, that's nice.

And then he was like, let's get you some oxtail. So I went on an impromptu date with this guy. And then the next day I went to his house to watch the sunset on the roof. And there was a condom in his trash can. So I was like, I don't like him. He's dead to me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And people were in the comments was like, Marie, you can't ghost a man because there was a condom in his trash can.

It was like, the hell you can. I should have. OK. I didn't. But I thought he was dead to us. He was. And then I was like, maybe he was just cleaning. And it was like a condom wrapper.

It wasn't like a loose proper condom. It was just, you know, the wrapper. I was like, maybe he was cleaning under his bed and he was there from X amount of days ago. True, true, true. Maybe it was from last election. Like, whatever. So I didn't say anything, and I should have. I should have picked it out of the trash and been like, oh, looks like I'm your second guest today.

But you know he listens to the pod. I don't know if he does or he does not. Okay, okay. They all listen to the pod, Marie. Thank you so much. All of your fans, all of your stans, all of your stalkers. I didn't say, hey, what's up to the stalkers? Happy holidays to all the fans and the stalkers in the shadows.

So I didn't say anything about the rapper, right? I ignored him for a couple days. he hit me up uh i think we oh you know kamala had lost so i needed uh to smoke on a sexy man's yeah you had to grieve right grieve with weed right thank you so much um that's this podcast is sponsored by weed yeah and uh so i saw him again um he came to the house we did hook up don't give me that wait wait wait look at them don't look at it don't be too excited about the hookup it was the peen was medium rare no right he did not cook what yeah ma'am but i said you know i'm cool maybe he's nervous we'll try it again another time right whoa okay is this my

head is this something new this is a new development no that's when it happened i was like you know the first time you hook up with somebody it usually it's not always going to be great right so you know they gotta you know they gotta amber and lacy can y'all attest to this yes no not at all oh it's not always good the first time out the gate is good every time lacy we need to hear uh yeah it's been great the first time every time well how many first times has there been because maybe you will i ain't had as many as a lot of people have okay high school sweetheart or something like you know yeah that part no I've had um you know as the relationship goes on you've had some nights where you're like just go to sleep

oh well that's about that's being adult that's on being an adult just go to sleep well I think the longer you're with somebody the more they like know you guys like know each other but like the first time you know it might not be that great okay so what happened so uh a few days later I I get a message from him on Instagram and he's like, I just want to be fully transparent with you. Stop it. No, this is not the time to be transparent. Eddie, you should have been transparent two weeks ago. From the top, make it hot.

From the top, make it drop. That's some transparent ass being. Yeah. I just want to be transparent with you. That's like when a man says that to you. That's like when a woman slides in your DMs and is like, I'm coming to you as a woman. As a woman. Yeah.

Let me talk to you for a minute. Yeah. Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah. That's exactly what it is. Um, he's like, yeah, I just I just started talking to somebody out of out of state, something recent. So you're saying somebody that you have to cross a bridge for that you just met is more important than the Reezy Faustin?

OK, see, you're thinking about it like that. I'm thinking, how recent is recent? Oh, maybe that same day. I saw the condom before I hooked up with him. Maybe that same day you said he had two appointments on the on the cow. Booked. he's booked and you did say you do like a man who's got hoes or no no no you say you don't want a man who ain't got no hoes well no one wants a guy that can't get nobody else you want

to know oh he could get people but i don't want to know you had them before i got here anyway i blocked him what amber and lacey do you have any do you have any advice for marie's mess i loved it i think you did the exact right thing i think you gave him a chance he took that chance And he fucked it up. You were right in your knee jerk reaction when you saw that condom wrapper. You were 100 percent right. You got to trust your inner house and everybody should. You got to go with your gut.

We have intuition for a reason. I saw it and I and my first thought was. And then and then I was like, well, he lives close and he looks like he works out like he drinks vitamin water. And you know what my problem is? My problem is I try to get people grace. But you know what? We're taking Grace off the prayer list today. It's gone.

No more Grace. You can't be like, well, maybe. No. People show you who they are right away. Yeah. And he was booked, like you said. Damn. I'm so annoyed.

I'm so annoyed for you. Because I was going to bring over my stuff to wash as well, sis. Because it's a two for one. Don't y'all do that, sisters? If you're dating somebody, you're like, well, my sister got to get in on this, too. No. No? Because they are homeowners.

She's sitting on 17 acres of property Ain't nobody doing that Not right now We're not that New York Omaha, Nebraska I'm in Omaha, Nebraska These is good country folk Is Nebraska considered the country?

To city people, yes Y'all think we riding around on horses And when you get here, you might see it You might see a horse Okay, it's going to be some horses It's some horses in the back Beyonce is doing her concert there absolutely

what okay no she isn't I was joking sorry I'm sorry that when I you should have let Amber believe that I just saw my free time and my finances go and I was like

you were like we're dropping the credit card right now we're buying the tickets has Beyonce ever been to Nebraska Beyonce's like banned from Nebraska this is a red state Beyonce's not coming here I don't think she's ever coming here she'll come like close

maybe to Chicago or Kansas City she's not coming to Nebraska let me look at the map I'm going to tell you this right now this is where we go for concerts no it's not close at all concert wise you will drive everybody will get in the car and drive to Chicago

7 hour drive I'm going to say 6 and that's nothing for people in Nebraska we will drive And you're like, oh, it's only in Chicago. And we go. I feel like your concerts are right in your living room. Y'all are going to see it. Y'all are going to see it on YouTube.

And there's that. Or Instagram Live. Nebraska is like in the middle of the United States. It's like right in the middle. Where it says United States, that's Nebraska. And that makes sense. In the middle. And it makes sense.

The only way you're going to have acres and land and, you know, home. You got to be in the middle of America. You can't be in the city. you can't be in the city and own anything it's all renting here yeah i don't even own my metro card i don't even own my phone we doing we doing payment plan uh okay wait here's my please here's my mess it's it's very quick um so people who know me know that i've been working on my teeth for years for years you know i had a little you know gum disease got that out cost me ten thousand dollars um got it out got it out i'm no longer bleeding gum sid okay gingivitis is why you don't

own property if it wasn't for my teeth i too would have an acre acre or two uh so now i'm working on replacing a tooth and no one no one talks about how much teeth are like dental is ridiculous like i feel like at a certain age they should just you should at least get a tooth or two for free because you've lived you're over 35 you're gonna need an extra tooth you know what i mean you said they should just give you a tooth you sound like george washington well i'm not i'm not taking it from people i'm just saying they should they should have them in the plan that you should have an extra tooth just in case you know you should write your congressman anyways i just feel like I should. So right now I'm getting, um, uh, a new tooth and I, I famously, I do not read.

I don't read enough. Um, you got the wrong side. No, shut up. Imagine, imagine if I got the wrong maybe if I got my wisdom tooth right in the middle. Um, no, I, I planned for my surgery for the 19th i thought the i thought that well obviously this is out on thanksgiving but before that i thought that my uh appointment was on a monday but it was actually today so i actually had to have surgery when did you realize it was today um today oh no no no i went all the way there yesterday at 9 a.m and i walked in and they were looking at me like hey i was like you're not happy to see me my appointment is today you don't want my money and they were like no mama's it's tomorrow it's tomorrow so messes I don't read enough um I show up I was on time you're on time

you were back down respectfully early I was so early they were so mad the doctor wasn't even there he was like he was not there Marie that's crazy he wasn't there um and so now I put down a lot of money today and i'm like do i really need the rest of this tooth do i the rest the mess is is that when you want to go get a tooth right you you have to do it it's in two sessions so they have to put the anchor in so they're drilling they're drilling up my gums and blood is coming out of it and the assistant is like shaking and it's it's a lot so i was like oh my God, is my whole mouth going to fall out? I thought they were going to be like,

hey, we found some more disease in your gums. It was very scary. I didn't think I was going to make it today. Hey, we found some more disease is the number one option for the title of the episode. Hey, we found some more disease. That's my mess, y'all. Thank you.

We got through it. So is there a new tooth in there or there's just like a little foundation? Have you guys ever gotten a tooth? Amber and I got dentists stories for days. Oh, baby. how can you can you tell us roughly how much money you've spent on your teeth thirty thousand dollars what oh let me see smile oh it's worth it

they're fake in the front that's also a good title damn thirty thousand dollars yes and every tooth that is in there has a feeling oh i mean i'm exaggerating but only by a teeny little bit even the flat ones in the front no the babies are fine so far but every chompy every chompy there's this tooth has a chunk out of it all my teeth are made of cheetos and they now that's a mess and they explode all over the place like now it's been years because once i got on late night i got good insurance so i was like i'm fixing these fuckers because they were the bane of my existence for a very long time i would say every regular tooth you can have a cavity and i certainly certainly have it and most of my teeth are

at least caps but some of them are just completely not real so yeah no one has worse teeth than me it's very very i didn't have amber's experience but i just had terrible experiences when i went to the dentist like yes okay all doctors see lacy and hate her and every every time she has this office i'm gonna tell you just tell us tell us the story you want to hear short a short story of me having to go get four teeth pulled because i found out i had four baby teeth in my mouth i was a full-ass adult probably like so how many teeth are we supposed to have in our mouth like 30 we're not like two i don't even know 38 and they say every once in a while an adult will come into their office and they have a baby tooth and they're like oh that's it happens your tooth

didn't fall out they pull it they might give you an implant or they do the braces to pull the space together well i had four so the man tried and tried he's pulling he's pulling he's pulling he couldn't pull them he used what looked like an ice pick dug dug dug then he got on top of me he got No. Girl, he straddled you? Straddled me, girl. What did he look like? Oh, the tail.

Lacey, I didn't know you were a bottom. That's crazy. Oh, white guy. He got on top. And I was like, is this normal? How did you even get up here, sir? You're 92. Girl, he said, I'm a professional.

Don't let these little orthopedic shoes fool you. He said, she's fine. I don't even need to do this. But this is my last chance with a black woman. He didn't even need to do all this stuff. Girl, you had. So he was like, yeah, I can't get these. See you later.

He's like, let's go and try to reschedule this with my receptionist. So I walk out to the receptionist at the time I was married. I'm not married anymore. My husband's in the waiting room and he's going like this. He's looking at me, but I'm so freaked out because I know that this medicine is going to wear off and they're just sending me someplace else. So I go, I make my appointment. the lady's like i can get you in next tuesday to an oral surgeon no ma'am i have to go now they

they sent me away they're like no that's all so i told my husband we gotta go i have to find another dentist he goes your face and your shirt is covered with blood they didn't even why so it looked dracula complete blood blood blood blood down into my shirt i didn't even notice and no no one no one told me the receptionist didn't say anything the dentist should have been like Let me clean you up before you go out there. Girl, did you, were you at a Groupon dentist? Like, what? Was it around Halloween?

Was it around Halloween? I was at one of the best dentists in Omaha, Nebraska. The best in Nebraska might be the worst in New York City, babe. Thank you. So I do end up going, I called. Back in the day, I went home and got a phone book. Shut up. Back in the day.

Yellow pages. Back in the day. And changed shirts. Yellow pages. And changed shirts. first dentist I called the receptionist says come in now what what they did this you the receptionist made the appointment I don't even got to ask the dentist just come on in we're going to just whiz you by and take care of you and I walked into that dentist's office and I'm crying and I'm like

it's me and they rushed me back there and they bing bing bing now they said ma'am we can numb you again or we can just pull them now because if we numb you it's going to be just as bad as us pulling without because it's you you're raw it's gross and I just said just pull them I didn't want them to stick the needle it so four teeth got pulled nothing okay now and that's the horrible story yeah did you sue listen I didn't now girl this is the time I didn't I know we are a country of suing if you're not suing are you even American are you even American if I could do it all over again but look got a discount on the braces I know that doesn't mean oh my god and then you had to and then i had to go to his partner that was his office was underneath and he did the braces

so they were like we'll cut you a deal since we did you cut me a deal i need to get this for free baby the deal is free free when you're young you're 23 you don't know you don't know you don't know but but now i don't know anything about baby teeth um i don't know how much people are giving their kids for losing teeth now man they're getting too much yeah they're getting too much $20 nobody's doing if your baby teeth don't fall out fall out you have to pull them out oh my god mom owes you four dollars and i'm getting that shit today the more you know i got a water heater i gotta replace yeah i'm getting four dollars today this woman wasn't keeping track who was it first of all who doesn't keep a track of my teeth you should have pulled up and be like hey i have

some i have some notes i do need to tell you this okay now that i'm talking i do need to tell you that no your baby teeth fall out and then a baby tooth grew in that's what he told me he said because it's hollow and there's no root and that's a baby tooth but look i ain't telling mom that she i'm getting my four dollars y'all better shut up don't say nothing girl bring the teeth to Thanksgiving and drop them on the table honestly

run me my money run me my money slip them on the table like dominoes I think it should be $400 it's been a long time yeah

because entrance entrance on the teeth inflation yeah I did the math it's $400 oh okay took care of that okay

took care of that you know what we usually do a prayer list um things that you're you're praying for you could pray for somebody else or pray for us I'm praying for nobody else find me a man where is he that's Number one on the prayer list. Lacey, let's talk. I am on the dating app. Lacey, Lacey, Lacey. I am...

Write that on the list. I'm out here in New York City. No, I'm everywhere. You can't find anybody. You can't find anybody. Lacey, give us three adjectives of what you're looking for in a man. An adjective, I'll remind you,

is a describing word. Single. Single. And single. You're not going to find any of those. You're not finding a single man. Every man has a woman that thinks that they're married a woman that thinks that they're together he has six women

he has a woman that he's just sleeping with on tuesday he has a woman that he takes to events who thinks that they are engaged and i have not found a single man in years now let's talk about age range because maybe i can't wrap it too hot you gotta get you a young book you gotta get your most energy i've dated young i don't recommend first of all mr 32 yeah i don't to understand what the fuck you are saying anymore you don't speak english you don't need to understand him babe all men regardless of the age a little bit little bit dumb you are you are you are trying to find a man forever you're trying to find a man for now we need to have a conversation she wants to talk i'm not trying to just sleep look again i'm 50 girl then you need two men

you need an older man you need an older man with like profit investment properties and a 401k that changes they're they're just as bad well i'm saying if you need somebody to talk to get you a man maybe he's a word i'm looking for commitment and there's nobody out here there's nobody that wants to commit okay okay listen then you got the demographic i'm maybe i went the wrong way you got to go the other way you got to get somebody you're gonna say you gotta go the other way you gotta date a woman that's what i thought you were gonna go other way woman well hold on if she had something to say about setting it up I was going to flip

it and be like well get you a little what did you say Amber me and Sydney have been saying the same get you a woman there ain't no woman hoes out there don't lie whoa there's no woman hoes out there

girl you gotta get you what's the WNBA team in Nebraska get you one of those get you a young Amber what are you putting on the prayer list for us I am putting on the prayer list that Lacey

finds a husband give me your prayer share your prayer anybody got time for your raggedy ass prayer list you better go ahead and put my prayer please pray for me

to certify the man. Maybe God has heard your prayers really loud and he said, we got to tone it down. Tone it down. Lexi, I just want to say, I don't know if you saw,

if you've heard Ciara's prayer or Viola Davis, like when she was looking for a man, she made a list. You just got to write everything that you're looking for down. And do you put it under your pillow? Do you put it in a sock

and put it in the fireplace? What do you do with the list after you write it? Why does it have to be in a sock? Because it gets cold. So Santa will bring it to you. I'm going to hang over my chimney. This year, I'm going to put

I'm going to put in a stocking because I feel like Christmas is special and I'm going to put it in there. And if y'all, if I don't have a man by New Year's Eve. Don't do this to us. No, no, no, no, no.

Don't back up now, sisters. I'm fine with y'all. I'm fine with y'all. Y'all telling me this shit works. My last suggestion, go to Jamaica. Amber, where do I say I want to go? I want to go to Jamaica. Get your groove back.

Get your groove back, and then you're going to have to marry somebody for citizenship. I saw the movie. I know how that movie turned out. Yeah, and he's already going to have a family there, babe. What are you talking about? No, no, no, no. His family is not her business. Amber, again, let's circle back to single.

I need him to be single. you need them to be single them we're keeping an open mind maybe you need a non-binary maybe you need a non-binary you need a they them that's what it is I'm here for that buddy so it's it's y'all you need y'all you need a y'all in your life more than one get your get your envy all right well Lacey how long have you been single friend let's talk i'm gonna say maybe two years oh officially i've dated on and off but terrible terrible terrible yeah i'm not gonna recommend dating for anybody who's listening to this dating is canceled just go to somebody's house that looks happy

if you can make them happy he can make you happy too and we're listening to marie because marie has a show called why are you single and she is in charge of all things dating so follow her follow her lead uh she she obviously knows the way to go um okay okay on my prayer list i'm gonna put in i need eighteen hundred dollars um left for me to hit a gold medallion for delta so i need that on the list that's on my list i want to hit gold before i hit the new year i don't know how that's gonna happen so if no no no not with my money i'm putting it on the prayer list maybe somebody will bless me with an eighteen hundred dollar ticket oh maybe somebody will be saying let's go to hawaii or something you know yeah i'm putting it on the list for myself um and what

about you marie okay wow goodness i don't really have much to pray for oh my god i mean i came with mess I also have come with a prayer I'm just gonna pray I'm gonna put Lacey's poussoir on the prayer list I think that everybody I mean you live in a in a square dusty state and the people don't really like you and it's red of course it's gonna be hard to find somebody to date you know so you just maybe you gotta move move out of the state you see how your face is looking would you rather be single in the state or would you rather be out of the state but okay my family's here and I don't want to leave yeah but fuck that family you don't want to be with your family you can't be in bed i do like that i do like that come on girl leave the family is fine you can visit the family

on the holidays on thanksgiving you can face down the family you see amber okay we're gonna get to messages before we end this with a bang this is from the people who listen the messy listeners you know they they send us our mess and then obviously we'll have your take on it it says greetings I'm a comedian and I'm currently writing an hour show about my life and a part of it is that my mom gave all her personal funds to a man she was having an affair with no one outside my sibling or my dad know about this it's a secret okay her pension her pension she gave all her pension funds to a man she was having an affair with no one outside my sibling or my dad know about this it's a secret that i've kept for years between us i wrote it

into the show that i'm writing but i'm not sure if it's my place to put my mom out like that or if i should change the whole show that is mess for sure friend as someone who's listening to us for all this time how much we need to know we need to know the number you gotta tell us how much she gave and she was having an affair with this man and gave him money that's not how it First of all, giving money to a man is... The P doesn't stand for penis. It stands for pension now. And she gave that up for the P.

She gave the man some P. Digmatized. Yes. Do you understand me? You gave your pension to a man? Digmatized. Imagine working your whole life. Imagine working for 10, 12, 20 years,

and then you meet a man one night, and then you're like, you can have... Well, it's not one night. She was having an affair. So an affair feels like months. An affair feels like months. it's no my pension's not worth it we're not doing that i wonder what he used the money for like what are the words he said to get her to give him the money i'm dying my new heart yeah i need a heart

something i'd be like oh my god it's crazy you're dying well you're dying i would be like you're dying give me your money you can't take it with you baby yeah i love that i don't think that she should put this business out there at all there's a million other funny things you can write about no that's not your business that's your mama's business it's already humiliating it's a good ass show I would watch it and just feel like it's on those CDs

Tyler Perry is listening to us and he's already making the show Tyler Tyler if you're listening to this please go write this into your show or write it in and then it becomes like a trope is that like my mom gave this man all her money jokes are funny you gotta keep it you gotta do the show there's nothing you can do about it

if it's funny you have to you have to tell your truth blah blah it's not your truth bits or bits it's not your truth don't you talk don't you tell my business but what if the pension is part of my inheritance and now i don't inherit nothing yes because that is my inheritance this show is actually my money now uh-huh and it's your fault it has to succeed so in order to make it succeed i gotta use your business you know what i'm wondering what happened to the mom i feel like Maybe the mom was partying with this guy, like maybe doing mushrooms or ketamine or something like that. Because I remember a roommate of mine, I did mushrooms with him for the first time and it was a bad trip. And for some reason he was able to scam rent out of me.

He was like, oh, I can't. Like some way, some way when I was having this bad trip, he mentioned that, oh, you know, I can't afford rent this month or next month. So I was like, oh, well, you don't have to pay rent for two months. That's how that's how messed up I was on Mushroom. Got you. Wait, you paid this man's rent for two months. Let me go find some mushrooms. I don't know. Somebody paid my rent for two months.

Eat this. Let's take this. Sit down. Sit down, Leroy. Sit down. Lacey, Lacey, that is my that's my advice to you to meet a man that's single is to travel of the world with a bag of shrooms and you'll meet somebody with disposable

income that also has a good time. Sounds like she's Rick Ross. Put Molly in it and she didn't even know it. What? I didn't say sprinkle. I didn't say drug the man. I'm saying go do drugs and it'll make you be more free and then you'll meet somebody who clearly has money and

no responsibilities because they're in Peru with you in February. Peru with no pension. I love that. That's another title for the pod. Wow. Wow. Wow. I think that we, I think we lifted some spirits today for Thanksgiving. If you're full and you're listening to this, I hope you're even fuller now. Yeah, and I hope you're, even if you don't fuck with your family, I hope you're still full.

I hope you're full from the pie and possibly not McDonald's. I hope somebody hit you right for the Friendsgiving as well. If your family voted for Trump, I hope the food tastes as bad as I think it does. And I hope you're having a terrible time. Amber and Lacey, where can people catch you? where can they follow you anything coming up the podcast our podcast is the amber and lacy lacy and amber show we have a book about racism that has that story in it about lacy at the dentist that did that end up in the book i don't know the second book it's called world record book of

racist stories bestseller watch out then there's a second book called world race oh okay so the first who knows look google so many books damn free we gotta write some books damn i gotta learn how to read so i'm online at amber ruffin across all socials lacy and i'm lacy lamar one and amber makes fun of me because i don't know how i didn't know how to change to lacy lamar so i just said fuck it and i have lacy lamar one you can find me just made a new one she gave up everyone don't you don't you give up out there lacy tell all the single people listening where they can find you on a random daily. Where they can find me?

Yeah, you're going to be at Trader Joe's. I'm going to be at Montre down the street. That's my restaurant. Okay, go to Montre's. Go pay for her food. Bring some mushrooms. No. Thank y'all

for being on the pod. And please send us your mess, y'all. We love it. Y'all doing great. Be more detailed, but please send us your mess. Bye. We are doing Mess Live. Can you believe?

December 1st at Union Hall. In Brooklyn, New York, 5 p.m. After brunch, have your second brunch with us. What? Bottomless. Because I'm not wearing pants. See you then. Mess with Sidney Washington and Marie Faustin is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio podcast.

created and hosted by sydney washington and marie faustin executive produced by olivia aguilar and super produced by becca ramos edited and mixed by brian jeffries if you would like your messages read on air please email us at mess the podcast at gmail.com or call for your messages to be played at 763-280-6588