MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - I Just Wanna Feel Joy

Episode Date: December 13, 2019

Sydnee's playing hooky from work on this week's solo ep of The Unofficial Expert! Sydnee talks the challenges of living with people, while Marie talks about the joys of living alone! We discuss what we look for in therapists, what Disney movies are problematic, and what our lives would be if it were a romantic comedy.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog hello my dear friend marie hi hello hey guys wow i'm in a great mood why i'm lying i'm not in a great mood i'm just like if i say it out loud will it be real will it be real sometimes yeah you gotta put it out into the universe you gotta put it out there yeah why are you not in a good mood how you feeling no no it's not that i'm not in a good mood it's just um i mean obviously this is i'm talking about what's going on i'm not at work right now i should be at work but i'm not at work so the people who are listening who work with me yeah i go to work today and yeah but by the time this episode comes out it's gonna be too late for you to snitch friend come on happy holidays season's greetings please don't snitch right

So I didn't go to work today. I'm here snitching on myself, whatevs. And I'm just like, it's towards the end of the year and it's just you're trying to wrap up stuff and you're trying to figure out what exactly are you doing and there's not much to do. And it's like, am I getting auditions or not? Do I have work or do I not have work?

So I'm just like in this weird limbo situation where it's like, okay, I can make something happen. I can make myself have some work if I wanted to. And I feel like that's where I've been for the last couple months. It's like I couldn't make myself get some work if I want to. But it's like, it's hard. Like doing work is hard.

Getting started is hard. Motivating myself to do things is hard. You get up every day and you go to work because you got to go to work. Right? And that is the great thing about having a job. It just gets you in the mood to be like, okay, I have to be motivated. I have to get up. I have to go there.

it's it's so real and that's why I get people who have day jobs just be a little bit more motivated than sometimes like freelance people but there's people who work from home who are motivated they do get work that we know some of those people they're mad young and they booking things and they're right they're on they're on their seventh or eighth booked writing job and I'll be like yeah you how you 12 how you booking how you know but because those people can get up and and motivate themselves and they don't necessarily have to be in an office to do it like whoa it's 5 30 a.m i feel like that's a morning person oh i'm writing something about this now morning people verse what's the opposite of a morning person a night owl a night owl yeah

morning people verse night owls because morning people are insane yeah i i want no parts of it i feel like i've tried to force myself having this job to be a morning person and that's why i was drinking so much fucking coffee i was having like three expressos a day just to keep up and it's just like no it's within people who like being up in the morning that's them they are not forcing they're they're hello neighbor like those just cheery flanders ass happy morning people eyes are open yeah those are the people that are not shoulder checking people on the on the fucking subway yeah they're just like they just get it they're like oh well everybody's in a bad mood okay no worries and then cut to my night owl ass on the train at 10

that's too that's too early for me to be on the 10 o'clock yeah it's too many people and it's like why are you giving me direct eye contact are you a psycho are you are you a serial killer who was giving they'd be whistling both their eyes they'd be whistling only morning people psychos whistle in the morning whistle and skip uh skip in a hard bottom just the briefcase swinging in the breeze yeah just randomly sparking up conversation for no reason you like that book what a bagel is that i know this great bagel place on uh what's the street uh i see you're going through a breakup right now huh like they're reading your fucking text and they want to have a conversation you're like what's wrong with you you spelled a wednesday wrong shut your ass

andrew are you a morning person i used to be a morning person i used to have like a really good schedule where i woke up every morning at 6 a.m to work out that's a good schedule oh yes yes a good regiment and then go to class at 9 a.m or work or whatever it was it was so good but now i fell so far from it that i'm like not even setting alarms because you no longer have to be up for class right yeah i know and it's like the schedule like the schedule here is just like so different every day so but how old are you andrew i just turned 24 yeah you're 24 you're like yeah but that being said we know some 24 year olds that are booking things and selling things and writing movies so thank you do you better friend yeah the reminder you're not doing

that great andrew do better friend exactly don't listen to sydney get up early and do them things 24 is too old i know you're you're practically dead dead you're a ghost quarter century year old well i'm 23 so i don't know about y'all old people in here but uh yeah it's hard you know I'm trying to like because I don't want to wait until the beginning of the year to change no

you gotta do it now now you have to do it fucking now and I gotta do something for 10 days in a row for it to become a habit or something like that like

yeah whoo I don't even get to rest on Sunday not even on God's day you gotta do it every every day every single day but the thing is

my nights are not always the same no right like some nights I'll be home last night whoo what time do you go to bed well I fell asleep on my couch

while I was watching something on It's a gorgeous fucking couch. Oh, it's so sexy. I love it. I looked online. I was like, Maria, I can't afford this couch. Well, you know, this is Patreon. You can afford this couch, that couch.

I can, but then I'm like, what do I do for the rest of the month? I actually have several checks that I have not cashed yet. But still, it's just like. Wealthy. No, I'm just like, you know, I live. I don't know if you guys know. Y'all don't know. Well, I live with Carolina.

I live in her building. She's my landlord. And I love that I live in close corners with my friend who checks on me, who cooks and does all that. That's great. But I need to be closer. I need to be not in the city, but closer to the city. And we live at the end of fucking Brooklyn, dude. We pretty much live in the Bronx.

It's so far. And I don't want to complain because I'm so blessed. Thank you, Carolina, for the cheap ass rent that I'm paying. But it's just like I have a roommate. I'm too old. I don't. I'm too grown. She's never there.

Right. The roommate is never there. She's a nice girl. I feel like you're also never there. I'm never there either. But I just I would probably be there more if it was closer and if it was my own place. Yeah. And if I wasn't going through whatever transitions I'm going through, it's just, you know.

in new york we get fucked up and think like yeah i should have roommates and i should be 35 figuring out it's like no man figure that shit out already because it's like you don't have the patience this could be your future this could be your future of living far away at the edge of brooklyn i'm very comfortable living alone in chelsea no i know yeah privilege white gay privilege that's what that is give me some of it but no i did get punched on my block though ones no yes we do remember that no sydney you've never been punched this is far but you no one's ever punched you no i've never because i go immediately into my uber so sorry just door to door door to door yeah so it's like um you know you want to be ready before 2020 to have new goals

new habits blah blah blah and just be motivated and passionate about shit and it's just i mean at the end of the year is like what are you passionate about what are y'all trying to do right like i watched quincy jones documentary like a year ago or whenever it came out and he did so much in his lifetime but he would do so much in a day that he never had time to actually sit and like watch a movie or something i watched three movies this weekend i just had all of the time but you also had a new couch you had a new couch i know i'm such a bum no you like 2020 any reason it can't be this bumming no you will not you will not but also i feel like this is just like a new thing you got a new apartment you're by yourself yeah it's a big deal i know by myself

so i can procrastinate butt naked now it's crazy the apartment is in your name like oh it is right because my last apartment it was not in my name it's just this is huge i know but like literally yesterday instead of going to bed i spent an hour rearranging the same three plants between three different rooms i just was like well i feel like this is some night owl bs yeah like it is crazy living alone like no one's keeping you accountable like you're not seeing another person like doing other things nope but that's why i wanted to live by myself because i don't want anybody to walk in and be like you just you just get on the couch for the rest of the weekend like that's what i wanted and now i have it and i'm like i gotta get outside yeah and um it was you know it was larry's

birthday and so he was at carolina's and i was like carolina this is the den this is the cave like this is the the coffee shop people could just like lay up central perk yeah they had like two bottles of champagne they had drank they had eight i was like i was like you gotta get out yeah everybody had aids that's what it's no no they had drank they had aids no no no they had eight they had but that's the cool thing about living with your friend though sydney you're basically living in a sitcom right now pretty much because i would go it you're kramer you're no i'm max who i'm maxine shaw living single but then she used to just bust in and eat their food yes all the time max that's right yeah that was her thing she'd come and go in her fridge

everything she'd be in her in her work clothes every time yes with the accordion briefcase and i have i guess in my duffel bag i have my duffel bag with all my things your makeup bag yeah so it's i mean i love it but i also i'm like damn i i do would like to live in the city that would be you want to live in the city again where would you live we'll park if money money ain't a thing though without like rice what if you had the same thing like what would you where would you want to live maybe the lower east side that's cute lower east side for sure that's near everything right everywhere i need to be the bridge yeah But it's so much going on there now.

It's so congested. It's so dirty, too. Yeah, it's gross. Lots of rats. That is gross. I lived there for two years during college. It was so nice. But if you...

Like, convenient. Very convenient. Yeah. You get to everything. Everything is quick. Right. And it is loud, especially on the weekends. Yeah.

And that's what I don't like. I don't have patience for that. Crowds that are going out to the bars there aren't, like, fun either. It's, like, really boring people, too, from, like, Hoboken. Yikes. Yeah. Yeah, they're weekend. the weekend uh weekenders Bridgerton hey hey I'm from Long Island I'm walking barefoot on

the sidewalk because my Steve Madden's hurt my feet that's exactly that is their story that's their narrative yeah my name is Connor my name is Colin from Ronkonkoma yeah it's um you know being an adult is it's exciting but also like it's hard it's hard and so everybody has the hype where they're like, I can't wait to get older. And it's like, yeah, it's okay to be 21, 22 for a minute. I feel like only children are hype. And then when you get old, you be like,

if I could turn back the hands of time. If I could turn back time. I forget to pay my bills regularly as an adult. Because I don't have auto pay on anything except for my cell phone. Yeah, my cell phone's auto pay. Right. Because I need that.

But also because my phone is prepaid. That's why I pay before the month. Shout out to Verizon and prepaid um but all of like my my electric my internet my gas all that I have to remember to pay they'll send me a bill or I do like paperless for some of them and I forgot to pay my heat for two months messy boots is that Con Ed or Con Ed might be electric whatever it is I forgot to pay one of my bills for two months and I got a final termination notice via email and I was like god damn I was like well where were the other notices

and it was like well we've been messaging you your bill for the last two months and you just haven't been paying it and I was like whoo and I went home to pay it immediately forgot started doing something else but we were talking about you paying this bill the whole time we were together you looked at me you were like look at this

I was like look at this I'm gonna have no lights no nothing no lights and then it's two days later I remembered to pay it i mean some things it should just be included why the fuck are we right everybody deserves lights everybody unless you're outside everybody deserves lights and therapy to be honest okay let's talk about it therapy should be something that it should be in the constitution life liberty

the pursuit of therapy yeah that's the pursuit of happiness is therapy i mean the movie was a homeless man with a with a cute son that is batman now i don't know it's just like why i gotta figure this shit out on my own have health insurance and get somebody who properly wearing like sturdy shoes to talk to me and unpack my childhood when you go to therapy my voice cracked sorry i'm gonna repeat what i just said when you go to therapy you don't have to start at your childhood you just start wherever you want right you don't start at the beginning you start whatever you want like you talk to them but then it eventually it leads to like okay we need to figure out why you're having these issues and that's why you have to go tbt it's like a tbt when you go to

the therapist tbt tea tbt tbt yeah i said tbt yeah but i'm saying like t like t you're spilling your tea okay okay oh tbt oh work oh you're such a comedian oh wow um yeah but it's it's like you don't know this person it it feels like you're forever on a first date with your therapist until y'all are fucking cool and then you feel mad comfortable and then it's nothing then it's like when i talk to you it's no big deal but for a minute you're like i don't know you how do i how can i trust that you're gonna help me get to where i need also how can i trust that you're not gonna go home and talk to your boyfriend about this yeah i don't know you know what i mean my therapist like recently was like oh well at least like you know that i'm here for you and i'm like well

because i'm hanging you like it was the nerve and i told that to her and she was like oh yeah what's her name joyce linda linda that's a good therapist name linda yeah she is good it has to be like very bland i don't want anything that's just you doing too much with the name it's like ah you you can't yeah not i can't have a riannon yeah riannon is too colorful like a carol and an those are like perfect Mary those are great Clarissa

no nah no too much personality yeah Clarissa explains too much yeah okay

Clarissa feels like oh oh you doing something after this right you got plans yeah I want a therapist that hangs out

only at therapy and then goes home and that's it in the dark yeah no lights Con Ed has no friends

two cats my last therapist told me that she was like over the weekend she was like oh I played basketball at the park

with my boyfriend I'm like I don't like that you did that I don't need any of that information it was too cold for basketball one and you got a man and you out here

and I'm complaining every week about not having one actually I felt like that was a flex that was reflexing on me she was like I'm gonna use your money to go to the YMCA play some ball with my boyfriend and you're like I can see your needs there's no way that you're playing ball properly she's bragging

she's like square up that's aggressive Andrew and I feel like we maybe need to speak to somebody else about that work on it therapists yeah we went to linda we went from rachel to linda ah rachel well i don't really like rachel either it's not a good therapist rachel feels uh one it's it's very like common but also like young common like i want an older woman rachel feels like she should be linda's assistant yes for sure but rachel shouldn't be the therapist no not the main rachel's not the

beyonce rachel first yeah rachel gotta be the michelle yeah i'll even take a melinda i'll take a melinda melinda sounds like like a mom name to me yeah i'll take a melinda sure yeah melinda and i i don't this might be rude but i'm not really into men as therapists ah let's talk about it i don't want it because first of all they're not really good with their facial expressions so it's it's a lot of dead face that i'm looking at dead face dead face dead face because they're for them i think showing emotion is like oh i'm too i'm too in it because i feel like they're supposed to be um like a blank slate yeah yeah i i don't go to male therapists like i don't trust that it feels aggressive also i don't trust a man to help me with none of my problems or to

actually listen to what i'm saying so i just feel like a mom a mom a woman a female therapist is like more invested right she's listening she like she's holding her hands the right way to show me she's listening you know what i mean i just i don't know i agree with you on that friend i don't i feel like as a female i wouldn't want a male therapist but even if i was a dude i don't think i'd want a male therapist and if i did have a male therapist i would be like like i would google them and find them on instagram i would stalk them because i'm like i want to know what the fuck you're doing because i don't trust you so my whole relationship he's taking shots he's pouring them on people he got on like those uh boat shoes with the shorts yeah how old is your therapist

she's like probably like 55 yeah solid solid that's a good age yeah jewish woman she's really nice i will say the jewish therapist superb superb oh yeah why so well i feel like they they'll always have that that mother energy and i always feel like they'll insert themselves when they're not supposed to but it's only from a place of love and that's what a mother would do anyway so i feel more connected i feel like i want like a queer black bald female therapist i might fall in love with her so now that's what i think that seems like really close to you yes but i'm but you know i'm queer adjacent right but i also but i i i don't want to go to therapy and explain why i feel how i feel you know what i mean like i just want you to kind of already know like when i'm

like well sis you know how they be bugging and she's like they do be bugging you know what i mean like i don't want to say sis you know how they be bugging and for like some beige dude to be like well please don't call me sis yeah one and two who is they and be bugging yeah is that how you want to conjugate those words you know what i mean like i just i don't know i just feel like i if they look more like me then i can feel like they're there for me i don't know if i agree with that but i just i just want someone to know what they're doing sure and direct me in the way that i can be better as a human being and just mentally process stuff i don't know if i want anybody to make me better i just want i feel like i need to say stuff and then have somebody say

oh that's fine i don't know people feel like people be feeling that yeah yeah i mean i don't know sometimes you just got to hear yourself say something out loud to like come to terms with it or to like be like okay well i know i should be doing better and i'm not but you say it out loud and you're like ah like we're talking about me changing my habits and stuff you know i just want to be i want to care less about people or things less compassion yeah i think i almost feel like i'm a empath a little bit i do feel like i take on a lot of feelings and emotions i just thought that that was coming from inside you friend you just got a lot of feelings and emotions that too But I also find myself connecting with a lot of people.

You know, you quote, quote, say I have a lot of friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear what you're saying, friend. You're an empath. Yeah. You feeling what Andrew's feeling right now? How you feel? How he feel?

How do I feel? No, I'm saying, I'm saying, can she feel how you feel? Can you feel how I feel, Sydney? Can you feel the love tonight? Well, you were anxious earlier and that made me anxious. I'm so sorry. We had a little conversation earlier. We did.

It was good. it was very productive and i feel like we don't hate each other so we've moved on but i do take on i mean we we talk about this on the patreon the last patreon we recorded i just was like i think my depression rubbed off on marie yeah but i was telling you that i was sad before you started taking yours all off since it's not about your sadness but i said we've been friends for five years and you've you've been seeing me be like a a sad sloth for years that it's like it didn't rubbed off on you you're like do i want to do anything i don't know it's crazy it's wild wild and crazy kids but i mean they say you start to look like

your partner after a while but we you're my life partner you are you're my life but we don't look alike friend today today we don't look alike but there's pictures where i was like i see it i see me and ring i feel like sometimes we look more alike than you and your sister well that's because you ain't got no muscles not a single cut over here nothing core core wobbly yo unsturdy sydney's like you know when you go to a restaurant and the table be like a little bit wobbly and you put that little piece underneath bitch all i need is a little piece underneath the left foot and we good exactly you can lean on me bitch how dare you sydney i can't lean i feel like if i leaned on you we would fall to the ground no how much do you weigh i don't know i don't care about my

weight anymore of course you don't you getting all thick the butt is all juicy i don't care about my weight i'm like well how much you look how much do i need to gain so that my butt if i gained weight i think my face would just be fat and my body would still be skinny no you're very i would look like an ikea lamp i would just have like a fat head and a tiny always been this thin no she has not lost i lost weight over the summer because i stopped working out but i have always been no yeah i've always been she's been thin but she like her face sculpted out now and my face is super sucked in it was very it was it was like but that happened but it was that happened at the beginning of this year when i first met her she had like she had a

face and she did not have muscular arms I have the receipts well I've always had muscular arms probably wasn't as cut as they are no they were not my arms are not big now my arms have always been like this the size that my arms are right now was the size they've always been except for when I was working

I'm gonna disagree on that Sydney my pictures from high school will prove you wrong but I'm saying when I met you sis you were not this cut at all sure sure sure sure but my face definitely is skinnier now than it's ever been if you look at any of my but then also i cut my hair so my face looks even more sucked in

you're living the life am i yeah am i living the life yo y'all have to come to marie's house and see this couch she is living the fucking life this is how i know i was like yo this is all all i need is a couch like this and i feel like i've made it and then you googled it and you were like no i mean i saw how much of what i was like bitch well i also got 30 off because i call the store so you know use them discounts sometimes you go to these little websites and they're like welcome for 15 off put your email in put your little fake email address listen all these discounts that work for marie it don't work for nobody else we've already got the the messages and dms where they try to pull the marie stunts and it don't work out and then they come and they

don't have a bed because somebody didn't was like well you don't like it we'll come pick it right back up yo that honestly i listen i couldn't have even seen that coming friend like i've been sleeping on this free ass bed for like a year and a half shocked shocked that they made you they made you sleep on the floor i hope you got your money back if anybody else has tried that uh move the free mattress in a box move from amazon message us and let us know if it worked they not after we let them know abort mission abort yeah but i had talked about the mission since since i got my bed so maybe you know yeah if you did it right after i did maybe you got your money back i mean you know i don't know i'm talking a lot because i don't i was trying to read

something um okay so should we talk about these vibrators that we just got yo they're not paying you it's not about okay they don't need to pay okay they've already they've already been baby girl doc johnson is the business let's discuss okay so we we got these free vibrators and dildos and all this other stuff. There's a box of toys in the studio. And, you know, I have my, you know, new Helix mattress that I've been sleeping on. I mean, just ads, ads, ads, ads, ads.

And the Ms. Meyers. Oh, what I did is I took, you know, a Ms. Meyers like bath and then I got out and then I got on my Helix mattress. Wait, but you lit your FitFab fun vibe. I used the gloves. I put the gloves on. You talk to your therapist at BetterHelp.com.

Work, work, work. Yes. and then laid back and who oh my god what toy did you get which when we talking about because we got i can't we came to the studio to record the other day and it was like four sex toys and some handcuffs and some lube on the table and i was like well i bought my small purse so i'm only taking one of these home it's called i vibe select i vibe select i please it's it looks just like a like a long finger it looks like a popsicle yeah it looks like a it looks like a popsicle or a long finger and it has 20 powerful vibrating functions this is so many vibrations i don't need

that many vibrations good vibrations let me see i'm like i don't need every earthquake that has ever happened in california wait so but 20 vibrations means there's like a like it's like different anyway i don't have a clit no more it's gone okay well the one i used it i used it like six times i almost did not get out of my fucking apartment i had several things to do very late to everything today oh you just mean since you had since i had it this whole weekend okay well so sydney got the i vibe select i please is that the actual size it really does look like a finger it is um and i got the tryst it t-r-y-s-t it's black and like sexy and like silk it's whoo it's like two little prongs listen listen honey baby sweetie child i used it this

morning that's why i was on time to the studio today uh i was like gotta go gotta go gotta go gotta go it helped you get out i walked to the studio i skipped to the studio i was like i don't know how many times i've used it but it's who it was voted like cosmos number one sex toy of the year or something yo when i tell you last night i've put it down i couldn't fucking go to sleep i was like i need something to just knock me out and when i tell you i was i felt like i got hit with something on oof it was burned your clit off i it's gone i can't use it i gotta to take a break I can't use it for a week well are you using it with the lube

sis because I feel like that's what the difference is when you use it dry versus when you put lube on the vibrator no I'm not doing any like touching my actual vagina I'm just wearing panties and putting it on top of that ah so you're giving yourself rug burn through the underwear

okay sis wow that's a weird way to play with yourself when I put it bare it's too much well I mean it's 20 vibrations well you didn't find one that wasn't too much nah they're all high all of them is the last the very last knob all of them is max

and I love a max I max shit out but this one was too much it was great I was like who needs anybody who needs a man or a job or a sandwich honestly shout out to Doc because he or she

whoever it is Dr. Johnson is doing the lord's work when they say who's your emergency contact I'm like the I-vibe I'm putting the I-vibe down high five eye please that shit is golden yeah so I have like

two other toys here in the studio that I'm supposed I forgot that I was supposed to take home and I again bought my small bag and I have an eye exam

after this so I might just take this one put it in the bag and see what happens but my sister's spending the night with me today

and she's gonna be like why is all these vibrators in here is that why you moved in by yourself you won't even be able to live your life tonight sis

it's fine it's fine Fran we're gonna go to karaoke are you coming yeah and do you want to come to karaoke tonight where's karaoke baby grand oh baby grand that'd be fun yeah yeah we're going at like eight o'clock whoa yeah i'm free he said whoa is that too early or

too late it is a little early but it's well sydney and amina have shows at 10 p.m tonight so they're gonna come early and then caroline is gonna join us later oh my god that'd be so much fun i love carolina yes and my sister will be there we obsess we're obsessed absurd but also you said what you said 8 30 is early but also oh no it's a what is it a tuesday it's like a holiday week yeah i need to be up early to go home tomorrow so you're taking the train or the bus taking the train it's gonna be crazy yeah wow why you do that why you say wow like that i don't know i think it's just everything just hit me that he has a family yeah i was like that he has loved ones yeah i was like wow she said wow

he's like i thought you just lived at the studio i was like andrew has a family that's crazy really crazy to think about no you do it i could tell that you have a good family like the pictures with you and your sister i was like ah oh yeah her yeah she's good she's great she's everyone else is on the mend right now really? a little bit why? my dad like asked me about like a job that I he was like oh do you have an event tonight and I was like

an event like I told you that I quit that job months ago and I'm like oh god you're not listening it's hard to listen it's not hard to listen that's why I can't have a male therapist cause they're gonna be like what you said? no but exactly you still sing right? you still doing

them shows? them shows you got a comedy gig okay well so you're upset you're mad at your dad for that yeah he's uh spending a little bit too much time with uh carla's kids oh your parents are separated they are they just got separated two years ago fuck do you so do you like carla at all carla's nice carla will listen um well carla's trying to win you know you always do i should not be saying their real names yeah it's fine well they're not listening to me and you're not saying anything bad about them yeah you said she's fine yeah i'm saying bad things about my dad who ah but he actually needs to listen okay

i hope you're listening carla go ahead and pass him the phone sis pass him the phone carla tell him about himself um okay so you're leaving and you're gonna be there for wait so who you spending thanksgiving with so it's half and half i'm spending it with my dad for wednesday and thursday and then my mom friday saturday sunday so you're gonna be with your dad for the actual eating day uh yeah and then we're doing like the trade-off that night ah the food gonna be real yeah it's gonna be everything's gonna be mushy yeah it's gonna be too short the string beans is gonna be real stringy they're gonna be strang beans that's unfortunate i mean i just want them to cancel thanksgiving i'm over it every every year i'm like i don't get this we could do this

another day it's actually blasphemous to the native americans like we should just stop stop it all well it seems like this year people just skipped over thanksgiving completely like i don't i spoke to my mother yesterday she was like i didn't even buy a turkey i was like well she never makes turkey but she was like she's not into it and i'm more excited for christmas this year like christmas music anyway this year like usually i don't want to hear it until after thanksgiving but this year i started listening to it right after halloween yeah and all the christmas lights and stuff i feel like went up like we just skipped thanksgiving completely because people not really celebrating it no more I mean it's

garbage it's just it's an excuse to go home and eat it is that's all that it is we don't need it and I mean we need to be nicer to the Native Americans the three that are left it's actually really really sad I don't I don't have any Native American friends me neither

not one not to one I think I know a girl that was like I got Indian in my family we all have one of those I'm part Iroquois yeah Iroquois but I think I watched a documentary like years ago how like you know the reservations and the alcoholism and the casinos it's just you you watch and you're like how can we fucking sit up here and be like america is the best place

it's we're trash yo we take things from people i mean you're saying we but i don't think that we don't take things from people i mean but we're here so we benefit off of the thievery that the Americans were doing from Jump. We stolen goods too though, sis. You know what I mean? We all gotta go to customer service and be returned, but I just feel like...

I don't know. Don't nobody care about no damn pilgrims, you know? I don't give a damn about them. Remember when we were in school, they used to make us, like, we would make those, like, paper pilgrim hats? Did y'all have to do those? Like the buckles, too. Yeah, like, you remember that? The Mary Janes? Yeah. Those are all them ugly-ass clothes.

and then Disney made Pocahontas and made her fall in love with John Smith fucking problematic yo just burn that fucking just around the river bend and it was like that was a bop though it was but they make bops what's the colors of the wind

was a bop shout out to Vanessa Williams but that was the real tea with Walt Disney is that they make bops to make you not think about the actual truths that happen during that time period all the rapery all the it's rapery the rapery in this rapery no hateration haleration in this rapery thank you

yeah they should they should take that movie down it's on disney plus it's on disney plus and for like the like dumbo because they have like the the crows that are racist um they say at the beginning of dumbo like oh just by the way like there are some like outdated opinions in this movie just before you all the crows are like the black people yeah i think like like jim crow oh i i've never seen dumbo me neither but i didn't care about the elephant elephant with them big ass ears oh that's that sucks my favorite disney movie is aladdin i mean um the lion king so i don't really think it's too many problematic things no well i mean they had the hyenas problematic the hyenas what's wrong with the voice cast who is it it's uh sarah jessica

parker matthew broderick is voicing simba right yeah and like it's like hardly any black people are cast in the original film no mufasa is james earl jones who maintained that position for the new movie um i think the mom is black the mother i don't think so what's the mother's name i want to say safari but it's uh yeah it's um it's like seraphina it's like the name of like that restaurant in the lower something like that exactly sarabi is also racist just so you know i don't know who she is but seraphina sound like a racist name seraphina i think is one of ben aflix kids names yeah but that's a good thing about being a kid now it's like you you get the real deal like what you mean people lie to children every every day no you think we lie

and then them motherfuckers google they'll find out quick so robbie was um played by a black woman yes i know a black mom voice when i hear it simba time for your butt i don't wanna mom And Scar was a white man Yes I think Scar was a white man But Scar was the best And Whoopi Goldberg was one of the hyenas I don't think that they were problematic Sydney Because two of them I think were white

The other hyenas? Yeah it was like Cheech Okay Rafiki was black What are we talking about? Okay you're right Lion King can stay Beauty and the Beast can go a little mermaid can go

well Beauty and the Beast can go cause that's bestiality like sis come on and they turned all the servants into pots and stuff makes sense though yeah but imagine you turn they turn some into like a table or a chair but some into pots some into like a big ass

bookcase you wouldn't want to be a bookcase I would rather be a little thing than a big thing Lumiere is the one that I'd want to be the candlestick dude he's messy exactly it was messy that's why we liked him But Beauty and the Beast can go Because she should have been with Gaston

Who was gay With his little sidekick Or the sidekick was gay They could have been a little throuple She's all nerdy with her little dumbass books They all bullied her in the town for reading Actual factual Freaking nerd

But her dad was a hot ass mess too Isn't he the one that got kidnapped by the beast It's like how'd you get kidnapped dad He's all old Now I gotta come save you and she gave her life she gave herself so that her old ass dad could be free who you are about to die anyway

okay I'd be like pops you lived a long life you ain't got no friends on the outside dad you gotta take this L I need to live and flourish and her bitch ass dad let her switch spots with him of course he did

for him to do what what did he do while he was out he probably died he tripped on the way out and killed himself he's like bye Belle and he tripped on a rock and died and there she is what kind of dad is that that's the opposite of taken that's given

got the name of that movie is got and then I liked Aladdin right what's problematic about Aladdin Jafar had a good brow his assistant was a white parrot the sultan was a little bit round

and dumb but like he was fun he was like a likable ruler you know yeah i can't i didn't really watch aladdin i didn't care about that no i didn't care i loved uh well wait no the songs were good in aladdin this is not walt disney disney this is pixar toy story uh see i wasn't ever like a big big toy story fan was lit on toys man and i mean as a kid you do think that your toys like have a whole different life without you you leave my movie was indian in the cupboard remember that movie no the original yeah It was like an Indian, a little Indian man that lived. Oh, well, again, problematic.

Little Native American man. Oh, my God. Little Native American man, like, slept behind the cups or something. I don't even remember what the movie was about. Tragic. But, I mean, are kids even watching, like, well, no, they are. They're watching kid shows. I'm wrong.

You're sorry, are you watching movies anymore? I'm just not around people who have children, besides Amina, who talks to her son like he is grown as fuck. Yeah. She talks to him like an adult. Yeah. Like he pays bills. And he's very well-mannered.

Like he takes the trash out. Yeah, he's awesome. I love Nasir. Smartest, brightest kid I've seen in a long time. Well, I feel like if you talk to them like adults, like if you talk to them like people, then they'll act like people. But if you talk to them in like baby voice,

they gonna act like babies, right? Doesn't that make sense? No, they're just not gonna want to like talk to you. That's like, yeah. If you're like. like oh what grade are you in now I'm like I'm in like 6th grade bitch I'm in yeah I could walk

put some bass in your voice I'm no cursive yeah he's like I'm in 6th grade I can piss on you for real I don't even know how old 6th grade is speaking of kids did you see that T.I. went on the red table again he went on the red table with Jada

he brought Tiny did he bring his daughter and her gynecologist no he didn't but he basically was like i embellished some things i wasn't really i was speaking from truth but that was also a lie i was like shut up and and like jada tried to be nice to him because obviously it's the red table she now gonna give him this work she knew charlamagne that ass she needs to start like hard-hitting oprah winfrey style questions i've never seen red table i watched the um the jordan what's her face one jordan woods oh i didn't watch that one excuse me i

watched her interview what was that how was that you know she was like wearing like simple makeup and she had her hair in like a ponytail so she didn't look like a whore and she was like well i don't really know why she would say that you know actually you know what i'm thinking about it now i didn't really watch it okay i watched clips of it i was like marie you're not giving us anything well she talked about the whole her and tristan thompson and chloe being there or not being there or whatever i mean chloe you stole him from somebody else sis so are you surprised that he left you you know also yeah you got this whole new face and this new body but like your baby has your old face you know wow marie you're brutal sometimes well it's but sydney that how is

that being brutal she got her face and her body and her hairline done and had a baby and the baby looks like what she supposed to look like like that's your face sis like when when will my reflection show who i am inside i think i think in that comments is we we know who you are boom mulan mulan is a bomb ass disney movie problematic oh why because the because the dragon is black no china got really upset with uh treating like the ancestors and bushu as like a joke and they were like the comic relief and everything i mean but then how was she gonna get you know her strength and stuff like she needed a sidekick with some jokes yeah right the ancestors we need to know that they you know they're not happy with

her like what are we we're talking about yeah we need some jokes yeah well also the there's a mulan movie coming out and they cut a bunch of the main characters out she's like not married or whatever like they cut a but it's not even mulan anymore why i did it for that because maybe mulan shouldn't have been what it should be maybe that's what it was wow and i think that's that's the thing that's just like it's stressful now because like this is a pc culture and i get it and you have to move with the times but you know I was just watching old stand-up like everything that Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence and just even Chris Rock sometimes you're just like this only works in this time frame they could not say this stuff anymore right so it's like we we've made progress

right but like it's very obvious when you hear somebody who's like an old ass comic too because they the setup is old it's like you you know when you'll be walking down what's the deal with uh kitchens or you know what i mean like it's it's everything is dated we grew up but then every once in a while we'll be at a show or we'll be at a watching somebody perform and we'll be like is this person stuck in 1991 like yeah like you can't the references are old you can't do asian accents you can't do indian i just don't want unless like unless you can do an actual accent and you are that thing even still i don't want no damn accents i don't want it well i'm saying like i might do like my mom's voice that's fine you know what i mean i think that's fine

right but like you do an asian accent no in 2019 no stop it 2020 you doing a an abu no wrong and i boo no it's stop it i don't know if the listeners are listening don't do it don't even try to impersonate uh black women stop that too that's my god there was a movie that of a dude that that i saw like a crazy lucretia or something lashonda or something like that something like that oh my god it was like a white dude that his inner black woman came out or something he couldn't get he was like a uh radio host or something like that and he lost his job because he had like you know a regular white man voice and so he called in and auditioned as a black woman and she got it and so he had to be her and she was getting all these ratings and stuff oh this

is like what robin williams mrs doubtfire yeah right but just like not genius at all just yeah anyway i think it was in theaters like a couple months ago or like a month ago or something awful or it came out on VHS I'm glad that but it was something that came out you didn't get any ads for that

no no no it was all Target Target dissed us your demo loves I feel like somebody sent it to me your demo loves what Tyler Perry films

stop it and even that is not like I don't know a single I don't have a single person in my group of friends that likes a Tyler Perry movie

but he's making money so much so that he bought this he has the biggest movie studio in the country yeah and it's like old slave land yes it's a big deal talk about the ancestors now huge huge huge huge reparations yeah but it's still he's still gonna be making tyler perry things on the lot but

you know good for him people are employed you know whatever hey hey hey they give tyler perry a hard time but tyler perry movies is just like any rom-com movie no they're not they'd be in church and all his movies yeah but rom-com movies are so predictable they give you the same setup and you just you can predict everything it's okay so ready give us gives if your life was a rom-com give us the the movie it starts ready how we start what's the trailer look like the trailer is um i'm hot obviously because right they're like that's just my truth right so you're hot we open on you you got a red bodycon dress it's strapless you walking down the street you got glasses on ready yes i'm hot where are you going um well obviously obviously going to go

you know run some errands running errands but she's wearing evening wear yes got it because that's my that's my truth right right right right errands means like pick up your dry cleaning for some exclusive thing you got tonight right right i i date hot people that's like if there's no me meeting somebody who's ugly and then I fall in love with them. That's not my rom-com. No Charlotte York for you. My rom-com,

I get in an Uber. I get in the wrong Uber. The Uber driver, me and that Uber driver falls in love. No! You're somebody poor. Somebody on the opposite

side of the tracks. Okay, so eight miles. So now you're rapping. So now the person you're in love with is rapping and they croak and they throw up

on the audience. But you're there and they see you there. And the Uber driver. But then we start working together. On what? Y'all start robbing banks. Queen and Slim, you know.

Yes, yes, yes. So you and the Uber driver start working together. He becomes your, or she becomes your agent. We start fighting crime in this Uber. Yes. Batman and Robin. And that's it. But there's a...

Where's the riff in the second act? Right, the conflict is what? Somebody gets kidnapped and you got to get them back? No, my friend falls in love with me. Your best friend? My best friend falls in love with me. I have to pick between this Uber driver and my best friend. Wow.

That I also do a podcast with. Wow. That movie sounds like a horror movie. Sounds like Saw 4. I would cut my foot off. Sis, I got a rule for you. What do you think you're going to be? The Uber driver or the best friend?

I'm going to be the barista in the third act. I know you're going to be making my latte and be like, you with this poor ass bitch? I'm going to be the sassy assistant at work. Girl, that's what you wearing at? I'm going to be the bank teller that snitches on y'all. I'm going to be the one that hits the button and goes, oop, oop, oop, oop, oop.

No, no, you're going to be the waitress at the at the restaurant and be like, Miss, your card has been declined. I mean, we we try to it got kicked. They kicked it back. They told me to cut this up. I was out with somebody the other day and their card got declined. Like it was a bunch of us and their car got declined. And the waiter was like, hey, they kicked it back. Do you have another card?

And the person was like, well, that's a nice way to say my card got declined. And he's like, yeah, they kicked it back. I was like, did Visa kick it back? Who kicked it back? Where was this? We went to get like Mexican food and somebody's card got declined. Amina's card got declined? No.

Amina wasn't there. Oh. It was somebody else. Carolina? No. Ayo? You gonna keep guessing? No.

Andre? No. You just gonna keep guessing? Yeah. Is that what you want to do? I want to know. It was Rob Hayes. No.

Rob Hayes? He said it was like he had just got a new car. so we gave him another car. Rob, are you doing okay in LA? He's doing fine. Do you need us to Venmo you something, boo? Let's Venmo him. 26 cents.

He listens to the podcast, so. Hey, Rob. We love you. As you can see, Rob, I tried not to say your name, but Sidney forced my hand. Mr. Hayes. Rob, you'll be in my rom-com too.

As what? As the... As the... As the landlord. As the best... As the best friend of the Uber driver? Ooh, he would be good at that. okay well what would my rom-com yeah what was your rom-com my rom-com let's end on your rom-com

my rom-com would be uh i'm walking out of my house you know uh i'm going to the gym right i'm wearing fitness wear and i uh my coat gets stuck on something what does my coat get stuck on my coat gets stuck on the uh the train doors and uh but that has happened in real life yes but not but the opposite way it was i'm on my way out so i'm hanging off the train over the bridge what and the fire department that they send or the coast guard or whoever they send me and him fall in love are you doing all the stunts for this you're actually yes i'm doing all my own stunts it's like speed but with a train and you're outside and i'm outside hanging out by my asos coat but in the movie it's like montclair because asos would rip right the lining of

Anyway, so me and the Coast Guard or the firefighter, whoever they would send to get me down from the bridge, fall in love. Oh, I like that. But the way it looks, it looked like I might be trying to kill myself. So they're like, you're trying to talk me down. And I'm like, no, it's just my coat. Actually, it should be ASOS. But they think it's Coke. They think I'm saying Coke.

And they're like, sir, stay calm. And, you know. But what's the riff? What's the riff? my best friend is in love with me my best friend is in love with me

we do a podcast together and they're watching it on the news and they're sobbing my best friend was also on the same bridge getting ready to kill themselves

because I don't love them so we talk it out that's a short film bitch that's not a movie it's real quick everything happens on the bridge everything is the bridge

yes I mean you know so that's it that's what my movie is what would it be called um like water under the bridge what would it be called oh i don't know yet i don't know yet andrew what would your rom-com be i'm crying my eyes out i don't know andrew what i mean sydney

what do you think andrew's rom-com would be what do you think how do you think it opens i feel like you would match with like your doorman or something like that you think i have a doorman yeah in the in the fucking rom-com yeah okay all right yeah and the rom-com you have it you have it together boo of course we're exaggerating life friend you think she has a montclair coat wait why would i like start up with my doorman though no i think andrews starts in like the countryside or something i feel like andrews like he gotta go home for thanksgiving oh you want him to have like a holiday like a holiday right countryside right but you're going like maine or something right right or like canada oh no no no you to

intern at some like you know office space and you don't know if um if you're gay or not so your rom-com is like a man and a woman like you start off gay but then you fall in love with your boss who's a woman okay interesting so so i'm playing myself yes with this voice i'm like confused with this voice yes you're on the cut i'm like okay yeah you're like i've been with men all my life but you fall in love with your boss who's a woman who's black i feel like i feel like okay no no andrew's a barista no no no andrew andrew owns andrew owns a bakery no no no no his mother owned a bakery yes uh and uh she's ill so he has to go home to like help take care of the company business or whatever and he like he reconnects with somebody a teacher a ta or something from

school oh that's really cute right right right right right and but andrew doesn't know this person is gay and the guy comes and he's like i'm getting married and i need you to help me with this cake or something with this cake yep right like i need you to help me like bake some stuff for this wedding and him and andrew work together you know to get the treats to taste right and they fall in love no so andrew's rom-com stop the wedding no hold on your rom-com starts at chick filet okay i love it problematic already right from the right from the get-go it's closed on sunday so the show it starts on a monday yeah right right first yeah the first scene is on a monday at chick-fil-a and you work there and somebody comes in and they were like help me

with my wedding my wedding wings i want to have my wedding um catered by chick-fil-a exactly my gay wedding and then and then you basically fall in love with the person who who's coming gonna get the chick-fil-a for the wedding and then you break up their wedding yeah that's it i love that that's a good rom-com chick-fil-gay something oh okay i see you trying to do their names we we didn't name sydney's yeah what was sydney's sydney's movie is called whore whore yeah anyway i'd watch all these movies these are so good well this has been this has been very eventful up and down uh yeah just just name a couple of things that you want for 2020 so we can end off strong 2000 okay 2020 uh i'm going to i'm gonna work on i'm gonna not be 20

minutes late to things anymore okay i'm gonna be on early okay i hate being early to things but i'm gonna be early in 2020 in 2020 i'ma hold you to it well i mean hold me to it i'ma hold you hold me to that hold me to that uh i wanna i'ma sell something i'm gonna create something and sell it. I don't know what the thing is yet, but I'm going to create something and then I'm going to sell it. And then the third thing that I want for the new year is just for my hair to always

be on point. It's not on point right now, but for it to always be like wow, Maria, do you just do it every day? It's amazing. I'm going to do all the colors of the rainbow. That's what I'm doing. I'm Roy G. Biv-ing it next year. Belle Biv Devoe-ing it. My hair

for the next year. That's what i want healthy dope hair i want to be on time to things and i want to sell something dope sydney what do you want for the new year 2020 what you see okay first thing i want to be happy okay we love that cliche but truly i just want to feel joy for more than 30 minutes a day that's the opening monologue of the uh of sydney's rom-com right there you heard it i just want to be happy got it we got it that's all right yeah i just want to feel joy uber driver's name joy oh i just want to feel joy that's a good title you got it thanks can you write this that's what i'm selling in 2020 yeah i just want to feel joy you being joy no work sydney bye i work at the bakery with

andrew i'm his boss she's my mother and i'm his mom the sick mom i'm the mom that's about to die work I love it yes yes yes thank you okay you want to feel joy number one first and foremost I feel like I want to know exactly what I want career wise because I just don't know like I feel like I want all this stuff but then I'm like do I because I'm not

really motivated to do it right and I want to take a really big trip I'm going to take a really nice trip out of the country somewhere nice spend real money obviously something warm

something for more than three or four days I want a nice trip that's gorgeous you gonna eat pray ho it no that's your story sis I just want to go on a nice trip

okay I mean sis you can go to where you live New Jersey you can go to New Jersey you got fucking nerve actually you won't be in I just want to feel joy actually I'm a writer though sis producer credit okay well I guess that's it for us

thank you so much for listening please rate and comment actually Andrew's going down the stairs so I guess we have more time

to talk I'm excited about everything that's happening in the new year I really am because I mean

this year was a rollercoaster of a year it was beautiful you took us on a ride sis thank you so I feel like

what is next year you literally took us up took us down took us back up took us back up again took us sideways yeah

took us down No. Now it's going around and around and around and around. Yeah, I know. You know, you were like coming a lot all summer long and now it's just. Now I got these Doc Johnsons at the house. Yeah, you're going to be coming. All winter.

Yeah. By yourself. No. No. No. No? Hmm. You got something new?

I mean, I feel like it's something on the horizon, friend. What's going on now? I mean, Sydney, we don't have any time. The episode's about to end right now. No, tell me. You waited until the very end. I mean, any minute now, I can start the story and then you can walk right back in. You were supposed to mention it.

What happened? No, nothing has happened. I'm just saying it's some things. It's some thangs. It's some wangs and ding-a-langs on the horizon. You working on it? I'm just, you know, we'll see what happens. Also, I feel like there should be things on the horizon.

I should be banging people regularly in 2020. Have you gone on a date? No. Oh, but y'all working on it. Y'all working on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they cute? Sure.

Yeah, they are. Very attractive. Oh, a delivery. Is that more sex toys? Is it a man? Yeah, it's a man. Oh. What question was that, girl?

I mean, I don't know, Marie. Sydney, I know you just want to feel joy, but... Did you cut your hair? I don't know. Shut up. You know what? Let's cut the episode. I think I'm done talking to you now.

Bye, guys. Thank you. Love you. Bye. Love you. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey.

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