MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Just a Lil Taste

Episode Date: May 31, 2019

Were treating you to your weekly serving of Unofficial Expert! We talk about finding gross things in your food, why Sydnee thinks men dont approach Marie, and we reach a new level in our friendship at the end. Listen up!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog yes i thought you were history with the slamming of the door i like celine dion sydney you're not present sis you're on your phone i'm talking andrew's singing the words with me but you're not even hi guys i am present with my friend friend yay we're holding hands how many of us have them friends the ones you can depend on friends we're doing great we're doing wonderful you know it's a beautiful friday but we're recording on a saturday so i don't even know how this friday is going to be when it comes out honestly i feel like it's going to be an amazing day actually yeah no it's pretty it's a pretty hard it's a hurricane coming and there was a there was an earthquake and and it's the day

after tomorrow that remember that movie yeah you're so silly do you like a disaster movie i don't because i just feel like in 2019 it doesn't feel far-fetched with all the shit that's going down it could possibly might be happening might could be can we talk about trash for a second what do you mean i didn't know that they were just dumping our garbage in the ocean you didn't know that no i thought that they were like burying it and burning some and recycling but they just dump all the trash like into the sea isn't that crazy no because it's America and we're

trash no but not just America all over the world they're just throwing the garbage in the ocean really it's crazy what did you learn this from a documentary yeah blue planet blue planet 2 but also like I've been I just been because somebody was saying

or some I had read somewhere that they were like recycling is cancelled because we have too much recycling or something like they don't have anything anywhere to put all of these boxes and these bottles and this plastic that we recycle it's just like they're like you might as well just throw it in your trash throw it in the trash yeah throw it in the bag i just think that's crazy i didn't i maybe i'm dumb for not knowing that but i maybe i'm not so dumb no i honestly i've been watching more documentaries and it's stressful because i hate the news because it's just you

just get the hard facts and it's so harsh and it's so depressing and everything it's so negative and then i try to watch stuff that's not news related like reality tv and i was like this is too ratchet and garbage and it's not making me a better person so i have been really getting into documentaries okay what you watching sis what you learned and you know i've been watching i watched that uh dead mommy dearest i watched that documentary it's about a woman who was able to scam all these doctors into believing her daughter was sick

so she can get like free trips and everybody feels sorry for them Free trips? Free trips like she went to Disney World because they were like

oh her daughter has this, this, this, this they put a feeding tube into her shaved all her hair like acted like her daughter could not walk it was sick

Wait and the whole time the daughter was healthy? Fine They put a feeding tube in her? Feeding tube in her How old was the daughter? Young

like she had been pretending that she's been sick for a bait since a baby what's that called mun child dead something yes syndrome i know what you're saying but i don't i can't pronounce it but yes and the documentary had me going crazy because if you just look look at the mother and it's like she was able to get these doctors to believe it this crazy to me yeah but how do you get doctors to believe that there's something wrong with your kid if there's actually nothing wrong with you oh these doctors is dumb yeah you know they say the nurses do all the work and this happened like a few years ago this was not

like recent this was recent this was not like in the 90s where you're like oh doctors don't know what the fuck is going on they can't google

is that what you think being a doctor is it's just googling things google Dr. Hyman google Dr. Hyman Dr. Hyman that shit gone to college

that's the guy who did my tits oh Dr. Hyman did your boobs I don't know if I would have stayed with a doctor I mean your boobs

look great but wow Dr. Hyman Dr. Dits hymen on them hoes yeah so i watched the whole thing and it was just like wow like people get away with so much and these documentaries highlight it and then you're like well what why am i here being a good person why don't i just fucking get off why don't i just scam why don't i just elizabeth holmes some shit okay so elizabeth holmes is what i didn't watch i don't

know who that white lady she had uh the company theranos which is like supposed to be blood testing like this revolutionary yes blood testing uh that like you can just get like a little prick and then find out everything and it was like y'all got diabetes yeah it was a lie it was a lie it was it was a fire festival and um so she wasn't actually testing people's blood she was just pricking people none of it was real none the the testing wasn't real like she couldn't get all this information as quickly as she was saying and um you know it just reminds me of there's so many people who have like crazy privilege that they can even think that they can get to this level yes that everybody would believe them even though it's a fucking lie right they have the the time

and the luxury to come up with a lie because they don't have to worry about paying their bills one time yes and so she was in silicon valley so it's like male dominated so people were just so happy to be pushing a woman to the forefront that this is the wrong fucking woman y'all got push me to the forefront like what the fuck man this she was wearing a turtleneck the whole time which i was like shout out to to the next i love the next but it's just like wow she had a weird voice she was strange like us not me and you but yeah like us yeah she was very strange and um they kept calling the bitch hot and i was like she's not hot she's all right she's a seven at best at best in brooklyn like how dare you give all your money to this woman they were like oh she's so

good looking the whole documentary just kept saying how good she looks and i was like i'm googling and i was talking to my friend anthony he was like well she's office hot you know i mean like on the outside you're like oh she definitely can't compete against well her hair looks her hair look dry oh yeah she needed a deep condition she didn't even know about dry shampoo fuck that hoe but oh yeah she is she's office she's technology office yes my friend just kept saying he's like yeah i know what you're saying you keep saying that she's not hot but like buy the fax machine yeah by the water cooler it's like hey what you doing this weekend yeah exactly so he's like i could understand how she could infiltrate this system and i mean it's a white woman she got a

big uh a thick bottom lip okay kylie lip challenge okay go ahead liz go ahead and lose her bitch but that's the thing i was just like man here we are being citizens of our community just proper citizens wait what happened to her did she go to jail um did she like is she just out here just being like having dry hair and and and not in trouble no she's like on that billy mcfarland shit right now um let's see is she in jail can't remember definitely you know they're gonna there's people probably suing her okay look it says blood testing company boss elizabeth holmes was the mesmerizing beauty who became the world's youngest self-made billionaire back uh backed by the likes of bill clinton but now faces 20 years behind bars yes

first of all mesmerizing beauty that's wow i'm gonna start saying i'm gonna put that in my website that's what makes me but that's what the whole documentary they just kept saying how like charismatic and how good looking she was and how like oh people were always on board and I was like that's the same shit they were saying about Billy McFarlane and I was like well nobody called him hot sis nobody called him hot but they were like oh he was just so good with people

people loved being behind him and I was like absolutely this man doesn't even have abs how the fuck do you want to be behind this guy his name is Billy wait my okay so she said with just a prick a tiny drop of blood we can

test for all these things and they didn't there's ways to verify this stuff they were not and they were just like giving this white woman money listen when I die I want to come back as a white lady or a white lady's dog because the amount of stuff that y'all can get away with is shocking

shout out to all the white ladies that are listening right now I know we got somebody in New Hampshire listening they said that she was a drop out a drop out from Stanford University so look at her she is a rebel she is out here I mean she did amazing things

for the women, you know, because if a man could do it, so can a woman. If a man could lie. But if it was, but I will say

if it was a woman of color, gay woman, like they would have locked her up, threw away the key, beat her. They wouldn't have given her all the money

that she had. That too. Also, so if she was the world's youngest self-made, how old was she? 27 it says? Or something?

Yeah, this was. I don't know, whatever. Her company was valued at $9 billion. Insane. You know?

You know who don't have $9 billion? fiance oh i was i was like me well sydney we we know you don't have a billion dollars nine billion dollars but uh imagine she i'm saying elizabeth holmes don't dance she don't sing she don't act terribly that it entertains us like you know she don't drop it like it's hot oh you know she can elizabeth holmes twerking not i feel like it looks like a seizure it looks like an epileptic fit like somebody gets a spoon somebody got a spoon oh i did some background work a couple years ago for a ooh for who's the big white girl that said she was the first uh plus size uh romantic comedy

lead rebel wilson so i did a back i was a background extra for rebel wilson a couple years ago i think for the movie i don't know for another one and some one of the extras had a seizure while we were all like in holding like trying to take a nap and and he started like he like woke everybody up and he i was like ow he harlem shaken they were like call a medic uh watching somebody have a seizure is crazy yeah it's not exciting i mean it was a little exciting it was a little bit you're an idiot just like wow i was like huh breathe stretch shake let it out i was like listeners if you could only see how fucking foolish maria is right now i'm dusting my shoes this is insane i can't thank you so much if i was gonna scam somebody i if i could i would

I don't know what my scam would be but like a big a big major scam like a made off with a wall street thing let me tell you as a waitress I learned scamming is not really my steez and it literally like I have to be myself and charismatic and somebody will then put money behind whatever but I can't go in saying like oh I'm gonna get this guy's money that that's not me I can't do it I've tried it didn't work it failed miserably ended up having to giving the money back It's just like, listen, giving the money back. Didn't you steal somebody's cocaine at work once? I did.

OK, so I mean, you know, you win some, you lose some, you know, but it's just like. To be that type of person and you're like, oh, I want to I want to get these people's money. And I know that I'm going to give a product that can absolutely not do anything that it's supposed to do. How demented are you? Nah, that's genius. Genius. I'm lying. i'm selling something that's true i'm selling this is the emperor's new clothes 2019 this is

modern day that like do you remember the story of the emperor's new clothes for those of y'all who don't uh let me uh paraphrase because i feel like i don't really remember uh there was an emperor and uh he something somebody they were he got a suit made but it was nothing and he walked around butt naked and he paid for the suit i don't know i don't really know the story i don't know i'm thinking maybe i'm thinking the emperor's new groove the emperor's new groove uh uh was uh who's the black lady from uh eartha kitt yeah freaking eartha kitt is a rock star dude like i watch her old interviews and she's such a cunty little badass like i love it they'll be like um how often will you wait for a

man how long will you wait for a man and she's like wait for a man you're just laughing like what i can't believe you asked me some dumb ass question like right right and she came her face she's so expressive she probably really mean to acting in real life well she's like the lady in emperor's new groove well she did friend she died oh did she die yes she died when did she die recently like this year um i think last year oh well who sings the song at last oh and james she's still alive no eartha kitt died in 2008 oh wow wow 2008 a cool 11 years ago it felt like it was yesterday well rest in peace eartha kitt i mean everybody's just been going to the past two years so i just assumed that she went out who was that betty white's still alive though

Betty White is 97 years old yo I want to know her diet what the fuck are you doing Betty you going strong too and you don't look like you going anytime soon she looks great fantastic but anytime she trends on Twitter people be like and it's just like Betty White

is on the masked singer like Betty would never she wouldn't I don't want to live to be that old I don't think yeah Yeah, she was born in 1922. My mom has an aunt who is 107, 106 now.

No, thank you. She lives in Brooklyn. Nope. She was born in Haiti. She spent like 30 or 40 years of her life in Haiti and then came to the United States. And now she's 107. She got out.

She got out of Haiti and now she's 11 long. Yeah, but I'm saying it's impressive that she's that old because most of her life she was in Haiti. and she's here now she's been here since like the 70s or the 80s and she was taking the subway up until a couple of years ago fuck as a 99 year old i do not want to be a senior citizen in new york city i'm all set y'all nobody had no fucking respect how dare i was here you're 108 and you standing on the train and no one's giving you a seat and a showtime person performing on the train might kick you in the in the shin and now i gotta get a new shin that's surprising that more senior

citizens aren't killing. They should get out there and get on the mass shooter tip. I mean, I know it's a lot to pick up a gun and then have to shoot it. It's exhausting. And aim. But you could get a little tiny Q-pistol. Like a pew pew.

In order to do a mass shooting, you gotta get an AK-47. But old people, you know the recoil when you shoot is your shoulders. They might dislocate their arms. Yeah, they might have to do it in like a group senior citizen shooting. Nah. if a senior citizen is going to do a shooting

it's going to be a cannon it's going to be an old ass cannon from the Revolutionary War yeah but how he was like 60 or 70 he wasn't that old the Las Vegas shooter that's what I'm talking about though I don't want you to be

Betty White old shooting up the club listen if you Betty White old and you pull a gun out people going to be like Nana you want me to help you carry that across the stage like come on that's what I'm talking about that's why it's hard that's the scariest part about getting

older is like people don't take you seriously seriously with a gun yeah they don't take you seriously with a gun they don't think you're gonna shoot or kill anybody I mean there's also never been a black female mass shooter we not out here doing that so you know we could be you know we too busy showing up to our niggas

job like you with Susan fuck that bitch it's just like you could have just killed them but I'm not going to a guy's job to ask if he's cheating on me uh i'm just gonna talk about him on my insta stories that's our problem and maybe i'll talk maybe i'll tag him huh we're all talking we're all talk we gotta get some sis i i watched the first couple seasons of orange is the new black i don't want to go to jail uh i feel like if i go to jail my edge is gonna not ever grow back and i feel like like i my life can go two different

ways right i mean all of our lives can go two different ways but i feel like i'm on the right path you know my unemployed path right now is taking me somewhere but me going to jail is not that's that's not helping me right I can't go to jail the food is terrible I would rather go to fire festival and eat that food there I feel like in jail you get like that gross peanut butter and this that's it it's just bread and peanut butter or it's like bologna government cheese whole grain bread they got another like docu-ish show on Netflix about um women in jail and whatnot and it's just like I don't know I just they need to stop glorifying these situations what being in jail well it's not it's not glorified it looks awful it's like me and all these WNBA players

in orange jumpsuits I'm not doing this I'm not going to jail I don't think anything about jail looks fun or appealing i'm not going well they make all these storylines where you're just like there's moments where you're like oh this is this is funny like there there was a girl talking through the toilet to her girlfriend her girl i was like we got to get out of here we got to go i said shut it down shut it burned the whole building what now you believe in prison reform because she was talking through the toilet to her girl talking through a toilet how does that work they put a tube in it they put a string

on two cups and they talk like that and I'm like what time is it that this is what you're doing and it's just like everybody can hear you I mean

you're screaming through the toilet you might as well just wait until you see her sis you're saying everyone can see you they also pee and poop in full sight of everybody

oh sorry they shower together they see each other's stretch marks and saggy titties and small areolas like that's what prison is

and you're like you think they should be embarrassed that they talking on the toilet they should be into the toilet right they take full diarrheas on the toilet imagine right and you know the toilet paper is like tracing paper yeah it's like a loose leaf college rule cut your whole butthole up you know yeah it's tragic it's still i mean i just don't

want to see these shows i i fucks with the you don't want to see them but you watch them i don't i love documentaries but i'm also like okay like we're getting out of hand it's getting out of hand no have you seen any of the food documentaries like rotten or any of that stuff i see what y'all trying to do trying to get me to stop eating me or eat healthy and it's like no i don't care how many cows you slaughter i mean because that's what the fuck they show you said they show you everything and it's just like you are the devil actually you're the devil showing me this i know you're trying to like enlighten me but this is gross they are the bad people well when you're it what you're filming cows getting killed you're getting see i'm seeing a pig getting chopped in

half and i'm the bad person for eating pork chops no fuck you for filming it i haven't had pork chops in a moment but i i'm trying to eat less processed foods i'm trying to take better care of myself the food that we eat here is not good for us anytime you leave the country and eat something that you think you've had here before it tastes different because the ingredients they let them put so much crap in the food that we eat here that is like poisonous everywhere else in the world so i mean that's why americans are fat shout out to me being skinny though uh very frail and i eat all the garbage you do be eating trash you've shake shack once a week at least can we talk about shake shack oh what happened to me how you found hair in your food a long ass strand a long ass strand from not

a black person it might have been a weave no it was not a weave it was definitely it was what color was it it was not like a wig blonde it was like oh maybe it was human hair it was it was human hair you know the shake shack is across from the barclay center it might have been a beyonce human hair 20 000 anyways it was all up and through the fucking sandwich was it did you take a bite And it was in your mouth? Absolutely. A long strand. What kind of sandwich?

Chicken. Ah, yeah. I usually go for the chicken sandwiches there also. It was so upsetting. Guess I got to do beef. And I was almost finished with the sandwich. I was like halfway done. It was on the other side of, and then I bit, and then.

It was that little piece that you're like excited to throw in your mouth. No, it wasn't that. It was like halfway. and then I pull and it's just going and going and then I pull it out and I'm like did you go

I split everything out and then I was like and then you had to bring the hair I was like if I go well this is weird I was like well I almost finished it so they're gonna be like

bitch you're just finding hair like you should have found it in the beginning I was more like they're not gonna believe me oh girl you dumb so then the guy sees me he sees my face because I'm

distraught astonished because you got up and went to talk to them or you were still sitting the guy got up and I was like about to go to the register and then the guy comes he's like is everything alright I was like no it's not and then I show him the hair and he's like oh

he said oh he said oh that's Keisha's he was like no he said she just got her new wig for no he's like that's Keisha's wet and wavy he's like that's a 613 blonde he was like oh like oh man this looks bad and then he was like hold on one second he gets the manager manager comes over he's like oh my god i'm so sorry can i get you something else and i was like no i don't want more of your hairy food so then he gives me two coupons for he'd like two free burgers but two burgers what happened you threw the the coupons

away where are they because andrew and i can go get some shake shake after this because i'm not gonna get the chicken i'm gonna get obviously the beef oh my god i'm gonna do the beef which you got the coupons on your where are the coupons let me look yes please look because you know it might be in my purse but yeah it was bad and it just made me think about like wow we the shit that we put in our mouths nah sydney the stuff that you put in your mouth you want a dum-dum are you calling me a dumb dumb we want the coupons yes i do want a dumb dumb this is lemon lime flavor i'm looking for it it wasn't i remember it being in my pocket is that the craziest thing you ever found in your food is that a hair uh yeah pretty much nothing else nothing else is crazier than

that andrew let me andrew let me tell you a tall tale okay i was uh i had a job oh i was um temping at img models where you know i stole things every day every day uh i was there for two weeks uh right before fashion week and sydney just pulled a bisque off out her purse but not the coupons to god is good got it well god also put that hair on your burger because he's trying to get you to eat healthier uh my god always provides and so i said img models for two weeks right before fashion week and i went to get lunch i got a sandwich and i was sitting on the roof of my office and i had stolen somebody's juice from the fridge because i was like i'm not paying for juice and a sandwich so this is probably why i found what i found and i'm eating i'm like

the best sandwich i ever had and i'm like let me facetime my friend so i'm like i called a friend the phone's ringing and i took another bite and i was like oh this is my new lunch spot this is amazing oh it was me okay so i was yeah and then and i took and then i went to take a third bite i went to take a third bite and i and i guess sydney just picked up and i looked down and And right where my teeth marks ended, there was a roach in my sandwich. And I was like, girl, I got to call you back. And I hung up on Sidney. And I wanted to throw the sandwich off the roof.

There was a roach in my sandwich. Tragic. It was like a chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato. The roach was laying on the tomato with the lettuce as a duvet around his nasty roach body. And I went back to the store and I was like, there's a roach in my sandwich. And the dude at the register was like, did you get that sandwich from here? And I was like, why would I bring another place's roach into this establishment? And he was like, OK, my bad about that.

Do you want us to make you another sandwich? And I was like, give me my money back. And they gave me my money. It was like six dollars. And my mom, I was telling her the story later and she was like, you're dumb. she was like you should have said i'm not leaving until you give me all the money in the register i was like you wanted me to rob them yeah bitch they had a roach in your sandwich you wanted me to set it off i mean how much if you find like a bug a bug in a fucking sandwich like

i remember i was at my bar and there was a little frog a little frog was on the bar a little tiny frog but it's just like that's disgusting oh my god a little tiny frog i saw a video on um twitter yesterday of a little boy on a slide and the there was a a frog on his like elbow and he's crying because he's scared and the mom is shooting the video and she's laughing at him and he's like he's screaming and the mom like goes to nudge the frog and he jumps up and lands on the boy's face oh my god right on his lip and the kid was screaming and the mom was laughing the entire time that's me as a kid that's me as a mother just the frog almost jumped in this kid's mouth that's how close he was to his like he was like that's a nightmare i'll add it to the insta

stories it was really funny but a frog is like slimy and nasty but a frog on the bar is not a roach in a sandwich no because you know if you see one roach is at least 23 other roaches right the roach that I found the roach that I found was working the swing shift but it's just like we live in New York City do you really trust these places because I know that I've worked at places and I'm like yeah we got an A

but I see the nigga in the back I know what he do his name is Earl Earl you're gonna get some sweat in whatever you eating from Earl cause Earl is big right and and dripping and my my source for the health department told me that you can have an a and still have a dirty ass estate like you can an a doesn't mean that everything is perfect and a

means enough of it is good that it's like yes this it'll do well but there's russians and rats i'm an a this will do enough of me on the outside looks good they're like you don't know i'm dirty as fuck I mean you are missing a tooth why are we friends I'm trying to figure out why am I here with you what

what you know why we're friends because we're both vain and our laughs echo each other's laughs and we don't want well I didn't want to have I mean actually I'm not going to say what I was going to say what were you going to say

saying we didn't want to have white best friends but you have those yes I do yeah I honestly do and Marie is like kind of the first she's not my first I'm Cindy's first black friend she's not don't listen to her as an adult

as an adult possibly definitely friend no it's not it's just I was talking about this I did this thing for MTV News it's going to be for Pride Month yes wait you talked about me for Pride on mtv you talked about me for pride on mtv uh yay oh the lollipop just touched the mic gross don't you dare what finish the lot finish it i'm a i'm a i'm a i will eat it wow you i put this in

my mouth it touched the microphone that has who knows what on it and you want to put it in your mouth so the hair was probably your hair now the hair in the sandwich was yours and you was like i want to get these coupons well i know marie i know you're not doing much so oh well you know this is this is true i'm not out here doing too too too too much oh too too much i'm not doing too too much do you have a question do you have something you want to ask me for yeah marie doesn't marie used to tell me a lot last year and then this year it's just been like whatever i don't know what you what is a lot what was i telling you last year that you want me to tell you this year because i'm not somebody who talks about the sex that i have with anybody

except for like maybe andre because he messy and if i tell him something he's just gonna be like that's it that's what happened a little poop came out that's it is that what happened no i've never pooped in a bed sydney i pooped in a bathtub once i mean i feel like when you're after your la trip last year you were very like oh you're about that black dude that i had sex with and very open and chatty and like the patreons were lit and now it's like well what is marie doing i don't know i'm not really doing anything when i was on that show for vice i had not slept with anybody for like three months um because i was busy and i was like i'm better than all of the dick that is available to me and now i'm unemployed and i'm like i got a job

and that's where i'm at i uh so we doing the upstairs downstairs again um no um but that door is not closed friend uh the sex is good there so that um so is there a new potential I mean hopefully I just I feel like I I don't know I feel like I'll I wasn't on hinge for like a cool six months and I just got back on it two weeks ago and I'm talking to people but like I'm bored I don't want to I my type of the type of person I'm attracted to is not a nigga that's gonna text me it's a person that's gonna come up to me and be like hey i saw you from across the street you look you look uh what was uh marie you're confusing as fuck oh my god i would hate to like you because you're like i don't want you to text me no i don't this is this is what i'm

saying this is why i have a hard time with apps because i to me i feel like anybody who uses an app is a loser wow i'm on an app but i feel like i feel like you're a loser i want you to come up to me on the street and be like listen i saw your mesmerizing beauty from across the street bitch do you see your face on the train you don't want to be bothered and yet people talk to me and ask me for money on the train every day right so those people have no shame people be like excuse me is this train a local train and i'm like do you see my face and they're like yeah is this going uptown or down like people still speak to me but not people that like men are not approaching me like hey shout out to all the men who used to have crushes on marie and she shut them down

They still got them crushes, I just shut them down No, they're scared, they're in a corner Talking to themselves If you're scared and in a corner and you're a man, you not my type I need you to be like real bold I need you to be real comfortable But I need you to also be attractive So Maureen needs a killer, pretty much

No, what? Most killers are like socially awkward They like, they got Rejected in high school Blah blah blah Ted Bundy's ugly this is the other thing I feel like people

nah nah nah no he's not but Zac Efron they made that up but Zac Efron doesn't look like what Ted Bundy looked like and that's the same thing

that you were saying for that but that's the same thing you were saying about this Elizabeth Holmes thing because anytime you read about Ted Bundy or you watch a documentary

they're like he was such a charming handsome man no he was not and it was like he was ugly he was a brunette shut up

and he had a swoop bang yeah get the fuck out of here he had a Jonathan Taylor Thomas parted haircut I will drag Ted Bundy and anybody who thought that he was hot to begin with. That's what I'm saying. It's like, what the fuck is wrong?

Do you not have eyes? Right. And now they're like, well, Zac Efron is playing him, so he's hot. And it's like, but he don't actually look like Ted Bundy. Yeah. The whites of Zac Efron's eyes are way too white for Ted Bundy. That's how you know they didn't cast this right. But the way that they talk about white killers and white people who commit crimes, they describe

them differently. Oh, charming, mesmerizing, handsome. Ted Bundy was not hot Ted Bundy was and he had and he had a caveman like look at that big ass forehead

his forehead like his eyes were recessed and they were pushed back and his forehead was like he had a hooded brow like don't be so thirsty y'all don't even know

what the fuck what look good that's why that's why I'm out here the way I'm out here okay sis that's why I'm out here with no man

my niggas can't see this is why I ain't got no hoes cause I don't want a boyfriend I just want some hoes Andrew you think ted bundy was attractive i think he's i i it wouldn't be my first choice at the bar it wouldn't be a first choice but like last call you you don't have nobody to go home with ted bundy yeah all right andrew i mean i see what your type is the eyebrows are absolutely psychotic

the hooded the forehead like and also he was relevant in like the 70s there was a different level of attractiveness for white people in the 70s okay let's talk about it now um it was like hippie, hippie chic. I did see somebody recently that I was like, oh, they would look so good together. But he's a comedian and he's Nigerian. But I saw him at a show and I was like, oh my God, he reminds me of the male version of Marie.

Teeth were beautiful. Oh my God, they were impeccable. Sydney called me right away. She called me right after. She was like, hey girl, I saw a man. He looked like the other half of you. and I was like well what's his name what does he look like and I looked him up and I was like oh yeah he's attractive his smile is pretty but I was like he looks like he dates white women I'm not

his type I could tell I could tell when I see a black man whether they date white women or not but now that I know that you were like that's attractive now when I look out I'll be like oh looking for this other guy that looks like please Sydney remember the time you tried to hook me up with your uber driver and you were like he's a rapper and he has a sound cloud and his name was not Taimou, but his name was something that was like, what? No. Dynasty. Dynasty is something. Dynasty Higgins

or something like that. She was like, Dynasty Higgins. Fuck you, Marie. Here I am being a good friend. Shooken out for you. Your nigga got a car at least. You'll get some rides. Girl. Girl.

You got Sidney's Biscoff dust all over the microphone. She got six more in her purse. Also where are these Shake Shack coupons I can't find them but I swear to you I didn't It happened and then I wasn't here We haven't been here since then

That's what it was it was like two weeks ago So anywho it might be at home I'll look for them don't worry But I just feel like Marie you're tough As a friend who's just like your friend Who I see all the time I'd be nervous to talk to you about shit Yeah I know sometimes I sense that

I'd be like oh Cindy got something to say But she don't want to say it to me It's so hard. And I've been like, well, I'm not going to say anything. I can't imagine some person who's like, wow, I'm really digging Marie. Yes, but confidence is attractive to me. If you don't have that already, I'm not really into you. You're a bitch.

And when I look at these. Thank you so much for seeing me. And honestly, I can't wait. I can't wait to somebody. You find somebody and he loves you and you love him back. And you're like, you're mesmerized. I can't wait till that happens. Wow.

Oh, my God. I can't believe you're wishing that on me. I can't wait till you be like, hey girl, I honestly can't do the podcast anymore because I'm just like getting dicked down every day. Yeah, but I could get dicked before or after the podcast. Why would I not

come here to talk to my friends? You know? Hey girl, I'm sick the whole time I'm having sex. That's what I want for you. Okay, well thank you for wishing that for me. I wish that for you also. um i don't know i don't know uh confidence is important but marie not everybody has confidence

like you then you not my type marie you gotta ease up oh but it's less that okay i screamed you're not my type but what i'm trying to say is people are not approaching me at all there it is you just explained why yes yes yes yes yes yes but sis i was in bed style yesterday after i got my hair done and i was like look at all these beautiful bearded buff men and i gotta move to bedside yeah i gotta move this should we have to move should we do some strolls in bedside we got it and it was nice yesterday it was a cool 75 degrees i had a crop top on okay we could go to mystique boutique get us some looks shout out to deer draw and uh whoa bianca shout out to you sis love you for listening to the podcast and shopping at mystique we love you

down, baby. I mean, we're going to Henny Palooza. We're going to Henny Palooza. It's going to be a plethora. Sober Sydney is going to Henny Palooza because when I was drinking, I did not like Henny. So this is, I can be in this space. Yeah, but Henny Palooza is called that because it was sponsored

by Hennessy or whatever, but it's just a party. It's a long ass day party. Yeah, but it's mainly going to be brown liquor there and I, you know, I want no parts. Brown liquor makes me I was going to say makes me aggressive, but that's not true. I don't drink brown liquor. You don't drink brown liquor, but I'm excited to have, like, a popping highlight and, like, just being obnoxiously hot and just, like, you know, you have your iPhone X, so there's that.

Portrait mode. There's that. Portrait mode videos. Yeah, absolutely. We're going to have on neon thongs and pasties. Can't wait. I'm so excited. We're going to have on booty shorts that are so short that both our labias is going to be, like, a little bit out.

Oh, my God. I want my fallopian tube to just, like, do double dutch. Fallopian tube! listen we're teaching the children each one teach one I mean we're not gonna be like on the street walking like that we're just gonna be in the club

but the place is at Brooklyn Mirage so if you just so happen to be there and you see us unofficial expert just scream it out because this episode is gonna come out after we do that but we missed you if you weren't there

and we love you if you were there that would have been amazing if we would put that oh god damn it that episode would have to come out literally yesterday this episode would have

to come out yesterday because Memorial Day you're right see fuck this episode's gonna come out in September and they're gonna be like

time sucks people gonna be like why are they talking about Memorial Day is there any way we can just you know put out two episodes in one week

no we need to save episodes because you know I'm gonna be en France for three weeks yeah three weeks

I finally bought my tickets to go to France and it's official I'm definitely going and I got this Airbnb and you know I'm just I'm gonna wear some looks I'm gonna do some cafes

I know you've been going I see you shopping heavy huh no I haven't been shopping not recently you just so happen to be you've been seeing me in a lot of oh cause I have a lot of store credit that I haven't used and I feel like the cards be looking at me

like sis use us or lose us so that's it that's all and also like I'm good at buying stuff wearing stuff bringing it back i need to be better at that buying stuff wearing it bringing it back yeah i thought that only like like hood folks did that or like broke folks did that but i spoke to this woman once who had an interview at vogue magazine and she said she went to barney's got an outfit wore it to the interview and then bought the outfit back i said barney's takes returns i've never been to barney's i don't have any money i'm not sarah jessica parker my

name ain't Carrie Bradshaw, I could not help but wonder if they would follow my black ass out of the Barneys. You couldn't help but wonder. Yeah, so honestly, just for the summer, just want, I want Marie to like low-key fall in love

just randomly. I don't want to fall in love. I just want to find like two, three, three, four, two, three, four cool dudes to bang regularly. I want you to hoe it up real quick and then fall in love and then break its heart that's what i want from may no from june to august i want all that to happen okay so it's gonna be a french dude then because i'm gonna be in france for june

and then july i'm here yep and then august i'm here also i'll be in la for a couple of days so you know i should have hoes in different area codes different time zones yeah this is my french hoe his name is jacques his name is jean-claude van damme and this is my west coast hoe his name is um i don't know kurt and this is my bet style ho his name is uh i don't know stevens or something me love you love long time yeah i mean honestly it can happen whatever we talk about this and i'm i want to be very clear that i'm not looking for a boyfriend i'm not looking for any of these things here we go i just want to bang people that have like a good stroke game that's it cute sex with cute people even though you laugh during sex absolutely laugh during sex just you don't hear

that like like earth a kid i'd be like that's what you do that's great you want me to get on top in sex sydney you don't oh thank you andrew you're asking real questions you've never lol during sex you've never when i queefed when i queefed you know where those would be like a weird sound and you're like what what's going on here it's like oh there's too much air in there that's what it is because that's how much room is in there no room like an 18 wheeler you know they're gonna play that at henny palooza oh my god I can't wait.

Check it, like a soul checker. Do, do, do, do. Where do you see my dick? Do, do, do, do. Where do you see my dick? That song was very innovative when it came out, the Whisper song. Yeah.

Not Soul Checker, Whisper, because they wrapped a whole song by whispering. That's what our podcast should be. Our podcast should just be us whispering. But when you see the Ying Yang Twins, you're like, y'all got to come up with something else, because I feel like they got a lot of spaces. They missing a lot of teeth in the back.

They look crazy. I want to be nicer. I want to work on that. Wow. I do. I feel like I'm so mean. You said something mean and then flipped it. Okay, so.

I'm trying. It's so hard. Okay, Sydney, let me tell you how to be a nice person. I'm not listening to you. Whoa. You're not nice. Wow. And I'm, honestly, I think my lucky star is that you're as nice as you are to me.

Unbelievable. As I see you in these streets. Wow. And you know what's happened? I'm getting meaner. I feel it I'm yelling at people on the street and on the train for disrespecting me and they don't even know

who I am I'm just like excuse you when I'm trying to get on and off the train no you're nice you say nice things sometimes but for the most part I'm like wow I'm gonna tell you how to be nice you just can't say anything that's how you're nice

you smile at people and you say thank you and sometimes you say hello when you make eye contact with an old black person just so you know they don't mean mug you all the way down the block because this is what i morning this is what i think i think they were mean well you already know you're mean but i know that i mean because sometimes people be afraid to say something to me and they see me and then they'll just message me like hey i saw you and i'm like you could totally just said something like i love that's not mean that's you you're intimidating because

You know, you'll be having looks on. No, that's because I'm mean. Your boobs be out. Well, on stage, you're mean. You're definitely mean on stage. You be clowning these audience members, and I love it. I need to stop. Sydney be like, look at these bootcut jeans in the front row.

Death nasty. Sydney's mean on stage, and j'adore it. Actually, we did a show the other day, and Sydney was like, I'm going to be nice to the crowd. And as soon as she got on stage, she started roasting them, and she was like, I said I was going to be nice. That's so fucking hard man I need to

I'm actively Listeners I'm actively gonna work On being nicer Because I am a nice person I don't know Cindy I feel like you're trying To make it seem like

My meanness is rubbing off on you But I met you mean You were mean when I met you That's a fucking lie Marie I was so I was so nice That it was disgusting I would see you be so mean

At these open mics To these open mic comedians It was an open mic That's where you're supposed to be mean Oh, my God. No, I'm talking. I'm not saying on stage. You'd be mean offstage to the people on the street, like comics coming out or walking in.

Meanwhile, Marie met me. Hey, girl, do you want to Uber? Where do you need to go? Yeah, you was nice to me. Hey, would you like something to eat? I would get people drinks. I would get people food. I would take care of people.

Yes, Sydney, you are nice. You're a nice person, but you're also mean. You can be both. I'm nice and mean. I'm going to say you're mainly mean. I'm more mean. okay 60% mean 40% nice but you're the opposite

you're so mean that when you're nice people are like what's going on is everything okay they're like Marie about to shoot the place up sorry what huh how am I doing how are you doing Marie that goal is to be Miranda Priestley

no in the Devil Wears Prada because I'm already basically that I don't know nobody's name I'm like Sydney who is that she's like that's it's true don't say oh my god stop that is so Marie I don't know anybody's name or face I will explain

I'm like oh they come to the show she's like no I don't know who that is and we'll have conversations with people and they'll walk away and I'm like Sydney who is that man oh that person who's obsessed who's like always in the unofficial expert DMs I'm like ah you know I don't read the DMs

I do read them but I don't read all of them I feel like if you guys don't know I'm doing the post on the page Sydney's doing the stories now that's what we've decided we have decided because Sydney's on her Sydney's on the phone all the time so it's like sis you do the stories uh and I'll be like I'll log in and do the post now that's what that's what we're doing and I feel like it's working it is we might switch but I just I'm just like your captions are so funny that I'm like you're better at the captions I'm so like more literal with the captions and it's just like and our

producer already told us like nobody wants to read all of that so marie is better at it and i just feel like you know what do where you thrive yeah get in where you fit in and i would truly love a young teen intern to fucking take over my social media intern yeah the 17 and 18 year olds they know that they know how to crack the codes they know what to say they got the hashtags they got like the log lines i don't care what the kids are doing i'm telling you what i'm doing and it is this okay this is what i'm doing the way that i'm doing it you're great okay she's verified not not as an 18 or 20 years verified she verified that's what vice got me says is a verified check and i'm trying to figure out what the fuck does a verified get can we get what is going on i don't

know i'm verified on twitter too and it just it added an extra like notification thing for me that's it yeah it's like if other verified people like what you write i i posted about BAPS being terrible because we watched BAPS recently and I had never seen it and the movie is very bad and I tagged Halle Berry in the stories and somebody was like well you're verified she's gonna see that and I was like good she should

see it she never responded but she know BAPS was bad she didn't did you look and see if it said seen oh I did not you should have done that I would have checked let me look now I mean you know she busy wearing bad wigs she probably didn't no she looks good she's getting ready

she's in a new movie with Keanu Reeves She's in a new terrible movie. Is this a new John Wick movie? She's in a new... I heard the new John Wick is good. I don't know if it is, but I heard it was good. It does not say seen. Damn.

She must not have seen it. You know, she gets a lot. She gets tagged in a lot. You know, a lot of people. She does a lot of bad movies. So people probably, you know... You're so bad. I think it's terrible.

I hate this. You're... You see what I'm saying? Evil. It's not evil. Halle Berry is fine. Yeah, she's the safe. Halle Berry has fucking feelings too, you know, guys.

The movie was. She doesn't, wait, she what? She doesn't look into this. I'm going to tag her. We got to tag her in the fucking. I feel like it's meaner to tag her when you know we might say something mean than what? You're mean. You see what I'm saying?

Sydney's slick mean. Like, you guys shouldn't talk about her. She has feelings too. And then she's like, I'm going to tag her like that. That's what I'm saying. Sydney's mean in that way. No, Marina. Like, low-key, like, jab you, like, with a dull blade mean.

Marie, let's get tattoos again. And you write naughty, and I write nice. Can we do it? No, we didn't get tattoos again. I'm going to put crunch on my body. And I'm gone. Can we do that? No.

I would love it. We'd be friends. Yeah. Well, these tattoos that we got together are almost a year old now. They are. And mine look, like, 12 years old, and yours looks brand new. What are you talking about? They look exactly the same.

Well, my skin's a little dull because you're not wearing enough vitamins. Ah, well, you're eczema-flaring up. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, let's get another tattoo, Marie. Let's do something fun. You know, something to solidify the five years that we've been friends.

We have them on our wrists right now. That was four years. Now we're going into five years. No, sis. The five-year anniversary, you're supposed to give your person diamonds or something. What? You got to get me diamonds.

Can we get, like, little cutouts of each other? like Abby and Alana when they did Broad City they went to dinner and they like had these cutouts it was so fun

can we do something Marie honestly sis that should be our merch it's just giant cutouts of our heads and people put them on their walls

like we're basketball players or something oh that would be so fun we should get cards made right with all our stats on the back

what's her stats she mean she nice oh like 5'4 120 pounds bitch that's what we should get

I love I'm telling you I would collect those those are collectibles like Beanie Babies yeah and then when we're when we have our EGOTs

they'll be worth lots of money or something I don't know okay we'll talk we'll talk to HR about this we'll talk offline yeah

we'll chat later chat later friend yeah and then we can get a card for Andrew okay listeners where do you think Marie should take me

for dinner for our anniversary what yeah huh yeah I know you're unemployed where you still have money. Nah, that's not how money works, friend. And I feel like you know this because you make money, you save money, you have money later.

You make money, you spend it all, you have no money. A nice dinner would not be that. You know what? I'm going to take you to Shake Shack, so hurry up and give me them two coupons so I can take you to dinner. Wow, that's mean, okay? Nice. No, you're being mean. You're trying to manipulate me and my money.

Listeners, if you believe that Marie is mean, put the palm trees under this bitch's post. Okay, and if you believe that Sydney is also mean, and she needs to eat better, and she needs to give me the Shake Shack coupons, all those three things. Palm trees all up and through, yeah, all up and through Sydney's last post. And then if you like Andrew being in the background of all the episodes, and you feel like he should get a mic, but you also kind of like him not getting a mic. No, everybody already messaged me. They're like, you need to give Andrew a mic.

but i when i listen to the podcast i like hearing him scream in the background but you're farther away today so you might not be you might not be as um okay so it's coming the episode is gonna come you're gonna get on and then andrew what are you gonna be an expert on it can't be us i feel like it's got to be something that people want to know about you yeah i feel like i was thinking i would be the dumb expert the dumb expert nope i already hate wait why why i'm so fucking well it's pretty dumb to say you want to be the dumb expert so already he seemed qualified listeners what do you think pretty dumb dumb i'd like no why can't i be the expert on you guys because you don't really know us yes he does he does know us he knows what you

like he knows what i like he knows what you know he knows about how you hurt my feelings sometimes I think the title will just be like Unofficial expert of unofficial expert Producer, gay Tall gay producer intern, sexy That's what's going to be on the back of your playing cards And in the front It's going to be a photo of you in a tiny ass short

Just like It's going to say And the height's going to say 6'2-ish Yeah, oh my god I love it that's so good Andrew wants to be the unofficial expert of the unofficial expert and I'm like I feel like people want to know about

you not about what you know about us they don't give a fuck about us I mean they do but they hear us talk about us don't forget about us no baby no baby no baby no is that the video where she had the long ass wedding dress on and she jumps in the limo and she

leaves that old white dude for Wentworth Miller um no that's we belong together oh and sweet love um you guys wanted me to come on and be like the messy gay expert we don't want you to be the messy gay you don't have no baby i said i just asked you what you want to be an expert in and you just said dumb and you don't know so you figure it out baby you figure it out bitch i thought that's what you're gonna say no you didn't say it didn't say baby because i love him because she's nicer yes no thank you we heard it we heard it first okay thank you there's no there's no argument that you're not nicer the argument that i'm trying

to make is that you're also mean hold my hand and it's not hard to be nicer than me that's not difficult at all hold my hand you just have to say i mean i'm polite and mean though i say please and thank you she is she's when she's mean she smiles and you're like well maybe it's not that bad oh my god we did a radio show on sirius xm the other day and the host was like i always pay for my weed and i was like oh i've rarely ever paid for weed i get it for free and he was like how do i get that and i was like you gotta change your face i do feel like you were meaner when you had the show can i say that yeah you can say that you can you can say that because i feel like spiritually recently i feel more at ease just now really because i feel like talk about

a friend this i haven't heard this out of you i just feel like i'm getting after doing that show i feel like i got some clarity right like i know what i do not want to do with my life and i feel like like i don't know i want to be a creative i want to i want to meet people i want to experience life i don't want to do what i've been doing for the last five years for the next the next five years yeah and like what am i being like i'm in i'm in a very good place right now yeah the show got canceled and blah blah blah but like i know that something else is coming for me and i'm like not worried about it like i do have a little bit of money now and sydney if you want me to take you to lunch i could take you to um like a wendy or something but i just i feel like i i'm in a good

place so i felt it i feel lighter does that make sense i feel i just feel better about what the outcome of my life is going to be i still don't know what my next gig is going to be but i feel like I got one and it was bad and I survived it like I'm gonna be fine and I got I got verified and again it means nothing but I do feel like I've been nicer since the show ended because I just feel better not that the show had me miserable but I just feel I just feel better that's it hmm you know wow that's all this was like honesty with Marie honesty with Marie so weird you know plus like who knows when I'm gonna die I could die any day so why not enjoy the time that I have here and also not spend all of my money that's what he wants me to spend but like I just you

know my friends are important to me my happiness is important to me like what what do I have to sit around people that i don't like why do i have to sit with those people and why do i have to act like like all this stuff that i don't know what i'm saying no you're i love this this is like this is the marie i love what i love she said i care about my friends and she moved her hand towards my direction i also pointed to andrew says i he but what but but you needed me to say that i care about my friends you don't know that i care about no i know people that i like no i know you do i just i you don't say i love you ever oh my god sydney i know this is bullying it is bullying this is bullying it is i'm like i'm gonna wear

her down and it's just but does that make it better no it's just this is this is a weird way to end the podcast but I mean it's the unofficial expert is they're all weird ways my family never said I love you neither did mine I know that and that's why I go out of my way to tell my friends that I love them because yeah sometimes it sounds like oh cliche and it doesn't mean anything but But, you know, my family's gone and they never said that to me. And it's just, it's sad. So one day you will. And I will appreciate it.

And I'll take it seriously. Sydney. I just. I just. I'm going to cry. I'm so tired right now. Let me tell you what I did last night. I went out with you to do karaoke.

Yes, yes. I went home. I needed to eat something. I was like, oh, I got these vegetable samosas in the freezer. I heated those up. And I was like, well, I don't want to fall asleep on my couch again and almost burn my building down. So let me stay up.

I watched Cinderella. I had never seen Cinderella before. It was from the 1950s. Yeah. I'd never seen Cinderella. Who was in the remake? Brandy. Brandy Cinderella.

Whoopi's the queen. The dad is the dude from the Titanic. The white dude. And then the prince is Asian. So they, it was, yeah, it was very weird. anyway very tired I don't know what you want me to say I mean I know what you want to say but I don't know if I have it in me right now

my eyes my eyes hurt and Sydney's like Marie's gonna cry no sis I'm tired I know guys thank you for listening to this podcast this has been so wonderful it's been groundbreaking it's pretty like growth there's growth

here and I think if you guys are experiencing this if you love it tell everybody tell everybody tell people you're seeing real friendship in real time yeah i mean for now because like who knows what's gonna happen when we get like really famous we might hate each other no i i mean we've been through so much like why would you i mean you said that like we've been through like a divorce or something like no but i feel like we i mean just doing comedy together every fucking day every like all these years like you see people at their best and at their worst

And that makes you either like be inspired or you're like, oh, I need to do better. Or, you know, we've come so fucking far, man. We've come so far. We don't talk about it enough. But like, man, we was in some dusty ass situation. I mean, the dust is not that far, but we're dust adjacent now. We're still in some of these dusty ass basements. But, you know, I see just like light and stuff in the future, sis.

Yeah. For now. Me too. That's what I see. because you don't know, you know, sometimes you'll look, you'll meet somebody and you don't know that you're going to be friends with that person later but then you look and you're like, look, this is the

this is my best friend now or I just, I feel like Listeners, you just said it. What did I say? Best friend. You know what? I gotta go. Sydney's a dick. You're the best! I love Marie!

Sydney, I love you. i gotta go oh my god guys i should end the podcast right now but i just feel like i need to talk about it this is so big this is all i ever wanted it feels like i won a million dollars but i have nothing but she said it and now i feel like i can i can die now no i can't die i have to leave but thanks so much guys you guys have been a part of something so big that i've been wanting for so long and it's just like wow my heart is full and my stomach is empty so i must leave but this has been the unofficial expert and you know comment subscribe review you know i love you guys too bye

this has been a forever dog production executive produced by brett boehm joe cilio and alex ramsey For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram, at Forever Dog Team, and liking our page on Facebook.