MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Messiest White Women w/ Matteo Lane

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

This week Sydnee and Marie are joined by comedian Mateo Lane. The trio share their MESSy stories, from ripped pants and late-night nail salon visits to memorable first dates and unexpected encounters. Their topic of the week? Messy white women! And as always, the tree tackle your MESSages!  Don’t forget to write in your messy stories at [e-mail], or call in at [phone] to have your MESSages read live on air! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're listening to mad and we are we are on time for us yeah only 15 minutes late let no no we were we were what were we we know no we're on time yeah yeah oh yeah oh we we didn't get you in yet but hold on um hi you look amazing marie you look fantastic don't be fooled by the rocks that i got I literally rip my pants up the butt. When? Every time I move my legs, I hear it rip a little bit more. Wait, what do you mean? So there was a little hole in my pants before I left my house?

No, no, no, no, sis. We have to start from the top. From the top. Make it drop. There's a rip in my pants. There's a rip in your pants. Straight up the butt. No, that's not true.

Whoa. I would show you, but listeners. Can we see? Subscribe to the Patreon to see my butt. Can you stand up? Don't worry about it. She's wearing black underwear. Hold on.

Well, it's a bodysuit. Let me see. Girl, why are you being so gay? Girl, no. Remember we went to Jenny's wedding and your dress ripped? Yeah, my dress did rip. And I was protecting you. You were, but this is-

I was your savior for your ass. My chair is my ass savior now. Okay. Okay. Listen, I wore my long coat. Is that your mess for today? It's just part of the mess that is me. Okay.

You know? Mess that is you. The mess that is me. mess that is me that might be the title that's the new J-Lo movie name yeah

the mess within me this is me messy me yeah anyway I'm very warm so I'm glad that there's a little butt breeze

and I don't have anything underneath girl you just came outside in a in a thick sweater yeah it's giving like I had

a little romp with somebody and I just put on their sweater girl you banging one of the producers absolutely it is giving producer sweater right now zip up it's a zip up um no i like disheveled today disheveled i i like went to bed kind of late time huh at what time 4 a.m later come on

later than four yes it was he was up with the baby well i have a child now am i a mother she's my mother uh no the thing is is that we got off the phone i don't know what time i don't know i We got off at like midnight. It was before midnight. A little before midnight. You know what? Let me talk about my mess. The mess is the nail salon.

They have got to find a way to be more like time efficient. When did it become where you go into the salon and now you're there all day? It's like a two hour. It's two hours of my time. The nail salon is now a time where it's actually work. It's actually I'm clocking in. I like going there. I thought I could go in and out.

There's no more. You're in, and that's your whole day. I walked in at like 3.30. I didn't leave until 8.30. What? Yes. Wait, girl, what? Yeah.

What else were they doing? Of course I got my feet done, too. Oh, well, that takes a little time. They need a little time. Sydney, the Sydney special. Should I show my feet on the pod? Way to bury the lead. You should say for the Patreon.

People would pay to see that. Oh, you know what? No, show it here. Just show it here. No, you guys don't know. Men will pay for that. You'll get a lot of extra money. The only men that are here are gay.

You know what? They'll still pay for it. They'll still pay for it. You know what? He won't let us. He won't let us go in. So we just have to bring him in. Hey, we have a guest today.

I don't know if you can hear that beautiful sound that's vibrating over the mic. That alto? How long was I supposed to wait, Sid? I don't know, actually. Honestly, I'm cool with you talking. It just, it was funny to see Sidney go, we haven't brought you in yet. I know. I'm also trying to, yeah, Sid came in.

but also she's been at the nail salon since yesterday I've been at the nail salon I just got back from the nail salon from yesterday excuse me witch

I need to do my nails okay they're rough let's bring in our fabulous guest I mean listen he has a book

coming out he has another special coming out on Hulu I am so glad to call him one of my dearest close friends emergency contact

come on eulogy come on eulogy he has a he has a beautiful apartment and he can make the hell out of a lasagna. Give it up for Mateo Lane. Mateo Lane's here.

Mateo Lane is here. And, you know, we're going to get to your mess in a moment too, Mateo. But you go to get your nails done sometimes. Every once in a while,

but then I chew them right off. How long does it take? I mean, seven and a half minutes. Although, last time I went with Nick, I got a little pumpkin put on my thumb

and the girl we had was like with her first day because a guy next to us did a pumpkin. But some white lady was getting a pumpkin. I thought that is kind of cute. I do want to live,

laugh, love on my thumb. Live, love, laugh. So this was in October. A pumpkin on your thumb is live, laugh, love. It was cute. Yeah. Well, tis the season. It's very Michael's Arts and Crafts.

So this is in October. So I was like, I'll do it. And then the woman was like clearly panicking. And then this guy kept coming over. Then it's I don't want the pumpkin anymore because now there's like six people. Everyone's looking at me just to get this pumpkin. And she didn't know how to do the gel. It was embarrassing.

And then I didn't realize that to get a gel off, you had to go back in and get them to take it off. I was trying to rip it off myself. And Nick's like, you're going to ruin your nails. Nick Smith he will also be on the pod one day yeah I am tired of maintenance but I went into the salon because I was tired of maintenance I'm tired of maintenance like maintaining the hotness because you can't unfortunately I'm not just a person who just right out the cooch was hot I had to build up to the hotness and then I have this is why you have a good personality whoa what friends people that what you're talking about that's the compliment it is I guess I'm

agree with you i'll take it yeah what you mean no don't don't do that you did it no you did it girl she did and i just laughed you said i wasn't out the cooch hot and i said this is why you have a personality yes people who are hot when they're young you know it's over yeah yeah also they grow up and they get ugly over time you gotta be a balding i was a balding uh one eyebrow too skinny Benjamin Button baby Benjamin Button baby yeah okay

and you know what and I'll you know what that is my truth and I'll live within it but yeah there's just so many things that you have to do

to especially being outward you know we gotta be on Instagram we gotta have our shit together if our eyebrows are not laid if hair is not on fleek why

why am I turning on the camera so I was in there for too long six days too long and the woman who was doing my nails

you could just tell when somebody not really in it their heart is not and they are not they don't want to be there and I was trying to chat her up like hey how you

she was not here for none of that maybe she was on her period you know what and we need to stop that it's not always about the period maybe she just got dumped or maybe or maybe she just lives in New York

maybe she just got news from the the gynecologist that she got chlamydia again wow again okay I like the life that you're painting for her

I'm just saying like Sid's trying to paint like a nice simple life or maybe she could be a bitch Sidney said she's a bitch but like We all have days where we wake up and we're not really feeling it, but we got to show up and do our job.

Isn't that New York, though? Yeah. New York is just a lot of people interacting with each other, but we don't want to be there. How many times have you gone to get coffee and you walk up and say, hi, how are you? And they just stare at you and you're like, OK. Yeah, but if you were a barista, would you be beaming? Would you be smiling? No, New York beats the shit out of you.

That's what I'm saying. It's like there's no job, a nail salon, a barista. Like, these people work their fucking asses off and you get a bunch of, like, really, really bitchy people coming in. You did this wrong. You did that wrong. They're just on high alert. They're on Amber Alert all day long. New York is literally beating me like the cops did Rodney King.

It feels it every single day. I'm getting jumps. I'm getting jumps. We had a nice dinner the other night. We did. We did. And then we beat Sydney up. And then we beat the shit out of Sydney.

We put on a Christmas movie and beat the shit out of her. And then I made Amina hot cocoa to celebrate. Right. we had a toast Sydney tries to play by the way like she's the sweet one and then after all

the comments are made she comes out with the meanest comment wait bitch hold on now do I need my lawyer present? call him up overruled

do I need my lawyer present because you was what are you talking about when you called our friend Haggard I never called my friend Haggard I forgot about that

Amina called our friend tired and I just used another word for tired you also used tired and then you added I was in the kitchen making that ice cream

for the fifth hour and I was like I heard haggard let me find out that Mateo is a what is it triad wife or was it

Martha Stewart I'm obsessed with Martha Stewart you watched the documentary of course I watched and then I since watched every single

her best interview was with David Letterman right after she got out of jail wait hold on before we since we're talking about Martha now

today Mateo is here to answer the question are white women messy yes now let's go back And now let's go back. That's like 100% peak white woman. Yeah, but there's something different about her because she's not messy.

And she's been to jail. That's messy. Wait, hold on. You said she's not messy? No. Didn't she steal somebody's man? Didn't she cheat on her husband in a church? It was like in Amsterdam or some shit.

It was like Italy. By the way, they painted. So if it's not on American grounds, it doesn't really count. It doesn't count. Also, when they described her story of cheating, it was like painted. it was like angelic and that but it was the best

with her she was like if you're ladies if your husband's cheating on you get out of it you don't they're a piece of shit

and the producer's like didn't you cheat on your husband she's like well he didn't know about that which is fun I like my

she's messy I'm talking about this came from the fact of we're all performers and it comes from who are notoriously the worst

audience members in the world it's a drunk white woman with a rosé in her hand no I'm gonna disagree to that

who do you think is the worst audience member uh somebody bringing their boyfriend who really didn't sign up for it oh a straight man a straight man at the show he's gonna put his feet on the stage he is going to look i mean uncanny valley giving just straight to the state like are you here are you a robot but they're not talking to you they're not even listening to you they're just fine i'd rather i would literally rather somebody like with sitting around facing the back of their head than every single punchline and then what are you gonna do it i mean that is like because it just happened

with sydney and i we're doing shows in richmond and this drunk white lady i mean of course it's 2 000 people she's in the front row everyone else is calmly minding their own business and enjoying the show i told her when she was during my set i said something about meth she was going crazy and i was like are you on meth i was like hey when mateo comes up here you everybody on mute meaning you you are everybody and she's like she's not talking about me i'm special yeah it's my birthday week i just reposted my joke about girls who celebrate their birthday weeks well she just she there's no one more confident than a drunk white woman oh yeah and they all they'll fight anyone oh babe yeah but is is it really a fight it's more like uh if you're fighting

fighting the air fighting the air with arrogance that's what it is it's not you're not really Is that aerotornado that's ripped through my town? Yeah. It's the tornado that killed Dorothy? Did Dorothy die? Dorothy didn't die. Dorothy did not watch. She killed the Wicked Witch of the East.

What movie did you watch, Marie? Oh, can you play on your phone? We made the entire audience do Cynthia Erivo. We did. And they made me do the example, which is the worst because I'm tone deaf. It was your idea. Not they made me do the example. It was me and Nick.

idea. It was a thousand percent Sydney's idea. Well, neither of you or Nick can sing, so why would y'all make everything up? Nick can. Nick studied opera. It's funny to go through. We should just go through celebrity white women to see who's messy, who's not. Let's go through the alphabet of white women. Oh, celebrity white women. Just celebrity white women.

Let's just go through A through Z. Anne Hathaway? Not messy. Hear me out. You know what? The audience is very fickle with her because one minute they're like oh my god we're obsessed she can be cat woman and then the next minute is like she's such a bitch she's mean no i think it's switch i think i think the consensus was when she won the oscar yeah it was a cringe speech she was like it came true like it was she was very

musical theater girl then she kind of went away for a bit and she came back she's never looked better and her attitude now is like she doesn't take herself seriously like an entire basketball player fell on her and her son in a basketball game she's like yeah it was honestly the best part. Internet's back in love with Anne Hathaway. A basketball player fell on her and she didn't try to date him? I was at that game. I talked to her son because Sam Morrell got a courtside seat and Anne Hathaway

was there and her son was so cute. He was wearing a Knicks jersey. How old is he? He's like a baby? He's like five. And he looked at us and he just put a thumbs up and goes, go Knicks! And we're like, go Knicks! Even though I'm a Bulls fan. Why would you say that on this podcast? I'm from Chicago. That's unfortunate.

The table's red. Teresa, America is also red and also white women when they sunburn they're red except for Italians

yeah that is true I was gonna say the thing about Anne Hathaway for me is I didn't think she should have been Catwoman

I didn't see it I don't think she's sexy but she plays like quirky weird glow up girl really well yeah because I think you associate her

with like her previous roles right so like everything right which she became she became sexy in that movie though and i love the glow she was wearing the the chanel boots no it wasn't just the boots the lips the bangs she has a beautiful eye she's stunning she and she you know what she's stunning is a strong word she yes she is stunning when you see her in person you're like okay this woman is in person literally stunning stunning but sexy Would you call her a sexy person?

I think sexy is someone sometimes from within, you know? Being mysterious is sexy. I think bangs are sexy. A cat eye is sexy. Wait, hold on a second. Hold up, Sid. We just said it comes from within. You said mysterious and jumped straight to bangs.

That's the B in the alphabet. You have to be mysterious and have bangs. The bangs make you mysterious? Yes. Because you're hiding behind your bangs. You're hiding behind the bangs. Sidney, I'm not doing this. If somebody can't see your eyebrows, they don't know you.

Or it's a little Jam Brady. Oh, did we watch the... Yeah, we watched it together. It's such a good movie. Okay, so Anne Hathaway, I'm going to say Not Mess. Not Mess.

A plus. Okay. Next one. You had a list. Who's on the list? Well, I'm just going through what I know. I was going to say

the next one for me was Madonna. Oh, we're going through the alphabet. Oh, you're going through the alphabet? Well, I'm trying to get We can jump right into it.

Yeah, I was going to say Madonna. Madonna, I just saw a clip of her. Mess isn't always bad, by the way. Oh, Mess is fun. Mess is fun.

We're here, we listen. We're here, we're queer. And we don't judge. And we do judge. No, we don't judge. Sydney listens, and I judge. And we judge. No, I think you're right.

Mess, by the way, those listening, the mess is not bad. But is Madonna messy? Absolutely. She's doing poppers on Instagram live. Didn't a rat, a mouse run through the back of her live one time? Remember your mouse? Oh, yes. Wait.

Wait, during the pandemic on live. Madonna went live in 2020, and a mouse ran across the back. And you can't... You know that 18 people were fired the second that mouse ran through. Okay, well, what are you firing the whole building? Like, that's not their fault. It's not their fault.

Seems like Madonna. Her assistant's fault that a rat got in. It's like, hey, maybe you shouldn't have a big-ass door that has a draft. I'm just gonna Google Madonna mouse. Okay, wait, but she... She's just like me, for real. Did you just see that she, I guess,

was doing a speech? She was like, Michael's gone. Whitney's gone. Aretha's gone. There was, like, big-name people who have died. Amy, Amy Winehouse gone. She's like,

but I'm, I'm still here. What? What? Yes, that's what she said. It was so good. It makes it sound like she's like,

and now that they're gone, I shall rule them all. No, she's saying that they're all dying on you except me. I'm still here. I won't leave y'all. I'm still here.

It was so funny because I was like, wait, she's unreal. It's a bit messy. Her Instagram lives are a bit messy. Can someone, I need someone to find that clip

for me and we need to put it in there let's do it right now I'm trying to find it I'm going on YouTube right now Madonna I'm still here she's like I'm still standing or here maybe still standing

Michael is gone Tupac is gone Prince is gone Whitney is gone Amy Winehouse is gone David Bowie is gone but I'm still standing Mackie

what is this that's supposed to mean it sounds like she just confessed to killing all of those I love it Madonna is so funny Prince is gone Tupac's gone Amy Winehouse is gone who else is gone you know how you're in the mirror and you're

this is probably something that she was like supposed to be saying to herself but she went on stage and said that in a microphone I love that for her I love that And then there's a mouse. But that's relatable. That's relatable. If there's a mouse running in the back.

She lives in New York. She lives in Manhattan. What can you do? What can you do? You're Madonna and you have a rat? Bitch, I'm Madonna. Was it a rat or was it a mouse? I was calling it a mouse, but this video is saying Madonna's rat.

Oh, wow. Mess. Like it's her pet rat. What's the difference between a mouse and a rat? I always thought a mouse was like a petite in the house. and a rat is a big outside animal. Yeah, well, the rats, it's, I mean, the mice are like a prairie animal, right?

And they're smaller and they're tiny. And they're like, they're cute. Mice are cute outside of them being in your home. They're cute. They just kind of want food. I had a field mouse in my apartment. A field mouse in the house? Yes, I had a field mouse.

Had no idea that it was in there. But this was when I, you know, I was working at night, partying hard, sleeping all day. My light bulb was out in my closet. Had no idea. the the mouse was apparently living in the closet your roommate yes living there going through going through my clothes from intermix and i had no idea until i started seeing droppings

i was seeing droppings throughout the house and so finally he came out during the day when i had finally got some pizza because i never had any food in the house there was no perishables so he finally came out in the middle living room like thank god bitch if you don't give me a slice right Now I'm shooting up this whole place. Oh, Sidney. Where the hell is the fucking pizza? I'm starving in there eating crumbs off your heels. But what were the droppings?

What was he eating? Well, I used to call him Patrick. Patrick was definitely going through bags of cocaine. Like, you know, the residual. Sidney, we're going to start a business together. That's what we're going to do. We're going to start a business. We got these heels.

Sidney. That's exactly what Patrick was going through. he came out he was like you finally eat like i was worried he was like did you have an eating disorder or not like i did not so the mouse shamed you yes absolutely So all that to say is Madonna Messi. Yes. Yes. Yes.

She was and she loves dating a younger guy, which I'm not. I'm not mad. I'm not mad at that. But apparently the guy that she was just dating, he left his young girl for her. Well, right. It's Madonna. Cher is also dating somebody who's really young. You know, I just want to say something before I get a chance to go on.

I date young guys But Oh Sonny You son of a bitch I don't think Cher is messy I think Cher minds her business I'm a mess babes Why is Cher a mess?

Because I'm reading Cher's book Oh And her mom was a mess too But I It's okay I'm not a mess But I am a mess So

That's like what Cher does In every interview She forgets something And then immediately Goes back on what she just said She's amazing by the way I am reading her book What is she saying in the book?

Well, I'm talking about growing up and being in an orphanage. And then my mom was in an orphanage? And my mom had seven marriages and my dad's Armenian. And I, oh, Sonny, you son of a bitch. Is that, are you listening to the audio book? Like, what's going on? Of course, but I can't do it all myself because I'm dyslexic. So I had Stephanie.

And she's also dyslexic? Yes, babe. Okay, this is giving me a headache. You have to read my tweets too. But I had Stephanie J. Block. She did me on Broadway, so she's reading half of it. So I only read half my book, babe. Wait, what?

She's not even reading all of her books? No, I'm 77. My knees hurt. I need Boniva. What is Boniva? I don't know. Sally Field always talked about it in those commercials. Boniva is miss.

Yeah. Have you read Cher's tweets, by the way? No. They're amazing because, like, she capitalizes some words and doesn't capitalize other words. And I love that for her because a woman about her business is like, I'm not putting caps on everything. Everything doesn't need to be capitalized. I like lowercase letters.

I don't like lowercase letters from a straight man. That's toxic. Here's a perfect one. Elephants deserve freedom with Dr. Jane Goodall. Oh, Sonny, you son of a bitch. That's the tweet? That can't be the tweet. Oh, no, that you put in the funny part.

Haven't seen TV slash talk to anyone, so I didn't know it happened. I don't believe it's the only chance for America sorry Ben MIA what is my problem well to be fair that's what a tweet should be but she's amazing she's super super smart

she's kind of had a messy career she's been up she's been down what's the messiest part of her career though I mean everything from the beginning first of all she met Sonny when she was 16 oh I think like late 20s and then they lived together

but then we didn't he didn't think I was attractive so we didn't sleep with each other until I was 18 that sounds like a lie you cannot do the voice

when you're saying something so serious like that and then they became big stars right with the I got you babe

and then they became losers and then they were like touring they became losers yeah she says it we were losers and we were playing

for four people in shitty shows in Vegas and then that's how they came up with the Sonny and Cher show and then we were stars again

and then Sonny wanted her out and then he took her money and all of her, the only thing he didn't own was her name. So I didn't read the contract so he took everything

so I was alone. I had no money. And then she did the Cher show and then she became famous and then she did a movie and she was nominated for an Oscar but people laughed at her

when they showed her name because they didn't think she could be an actress and then she won the Oscar and then I did an infomercial and everyone laughed at me and then she came back again with the Believe song.

Remember Believe? Yes. Believe. Believe. What is that? That's my automobile. I want to know what type of coffee did you drink before you got here? I had an espresso with some chocolate in it.

That's what I used to make the meaning of chocolate milk. Mateo, you are a mess. I didn't say I'm not a mess. I am a mess. This is a messy white woman right here. I'm a messy white woman. Is that so? Yeah, you came in in the podcast with all these voices.

You're really. What do you want me to say and be like, Cher's a mess? No. This is his SNL audition tape. Can you imagine if you had Nightmare on that show? Hey, Lauren. We're tagging Lauren. We're tagging Lauren when we get...

Lauren Michaels? I call him Lauren. Or Lauren Sophia Loren. Or Lauren Hill. Lauren Hill. Give her two hours to show up. Two days. Give her two hours to read the tweet.

Okay, also, next up for me, I think we need to remove that Britney Spears is connected to mess. I think it's more than that. I think what society has done to her with the industry, that's the reason why she's the way she was. I don't think she was always like what she is right now. Let me say this. Anything Brittany chooses to do is a full masterpiece. And I stand by it.

Why can Picasso get away being shirtless, painting like half sort of stick figures and everyone, you know, Brittany wants to dance in a rainbow dress on her Instagram in front of a pretty light with a machete. That was the best. Let me tell you who's messy in Brittany's life. Whoever is not unplugging the Wi-Fi. Lock her out of her Instagram. You know she don't know the password, you know? Don't take away her money. Take away the internet.

Take away her phone. Take away her access to us. Yes. Because if you want to twerk with a knife, do that. If you want to have this camera at this weird angle in a shirt, a tank top pulled down to barely cover your butt, it's like, girl, you've been dancing all your life. These are the only moves you remember.

We unplugged the router. Wait, no. Remember when she... Before you even ask the question, the answer is yes. You remember when she started a fire in her gym? I was like, oh my God, me and Britney are the same. She started a fire. This is her Instagram post.

She goes, hey, everyone. So you might notice I'm in a different place. Well, my gym burned down. I lit a candle and well, you know what happens. Anyway, so I'm like, wait a minute, back up. No, I don't know what happened. I've lit a candle every single day. I've never burnt anything down.

Especially not your gym. Yeah. Britney Spears burning the gym down and no one being like, hey, babe, we need to talk. Like, who is, because people are still getting paid. She got married in all of that mess and divorced. Oh, yeah. I forgot that they got married. And you know who went to the wedding was Madonna.

No. Madonna was there. Kris Jenner. Kris Jenner. Paris Hilton. Kris Jenner. She is a professional, like, mess. No.

She's a professional mess. She's a mess curator. Yeah, he's a mess curator. I mean, she is in charge of the mess. She is doing the, like, she's the puppeteer. I don't think she's necessarily messy. I think she's in charge. No, she's messy.

Well, she is messy. Let's get to Kardashian. Okay. Britney, I'm going to say, is perfection. And mess or not mess, she's doing what she's supposed to do. Okay. She's been through enough, and we love her. Tyra Banks.

Mess. She's not a white woman, but she is associated with mess. For sure. The Venn diagram of mess. Yeah, I think she might be at the top of the list. It has nothing to do with race. But Tyra has, on paper, has done the messiest things possible. Oh, 100%.

She made that girl close her gap while she cried. And then she widened someone's gap the next season. And didn't she make black girls white and white girls black? Yep. And then it was always some girl that was like, I've never cut my hair. I've been growing it since I was six. And Tyra was like, we gonna shave it off.

And then she was giving people bad weaves. she gave. Remember when she had men on? She put like a lace front beard on a guy that got worms in it or something. I don't know. But I think that, but also you have to understand. Her interview with Naomi. No, it was a show. It was a show. If everybody is just being

politically correct and following the rules, nobody wants to watch that. Nobody. Well, I agree. That's why we watch it. But also she took these like wafer thing girls and threw them in a wind tunnel machine to get them floating and they couldn't keep control. And then she's sitting there. And the pictures were there. And she's like, you're not getting sexy.

bitch the winds are 190 miles an hour do you want to be do you want to be do you want to be on top do you want to be on top do you want to be on top that's what it is

my favorite was the one girl in the yellow dress who like she's like I'm known for being tough and I'm always a fighter she walks down slips right away and she stands up

she's like I got this and as she walks down she's going in the runway and they have these giant like clock things and what happens she gets hit by both of them

gets knocked off then she couldn't get back up then she fell again and then she was crying and it was always a runway like on water. With sharks with lasers on their heads?

Right. And they're always in shoes that were too small. It's a challenge. Or it was windy on the 90th floor of a building. And you're not giving sexy. They've got a gun to my head. Well, Jay, it used to be Jay Manuel. And he'd be like, well, do you want to be a top model or not?

It's like, I don't know, Jay, do you? And it was like, I'm a Christian. I don't want to show my titties. Well, do you want to be a top model or not? The worst one for me was when they put them in the ground. when they did, like, six feet under and the people had to be in a coffin and then kind of buried alive

and, like, give face in the coffin. And one of the girls, I think her friend died that day. So it was so traumatizing. But do you want to be on top? Yeah. Do you want to be on top? Well, technically, she's the bottom.

She's six feet under. And that's how you get to the top. Who was the one girl? Jade, maybe? When she walked out, she, like, walked. She was real annoying. She had a short career. Yeah, yeah.

and she was I used to love she couldn't do the commercial remember I used to love they would do the commercial it was like the last three girls

like the season finale episode and they were all trying to read a prompter and walk it's hard lash blast lash blast

flash lash cover girl lash blast flash lash ooh okay another one on the on the docket for me is Jessica Simpson

but she did a full rebrand she started over and I love I love that you can be a mess and then change. But let's talk about her messiest moment. Tis the season she did

That's her messiest moment? She was over singing and under singing. She sang with Ashley Simpson, who we're going to get to next. And I feel for her. I feel for Ashley. I love Jessica and Ashley. I love all of them. Ashley's the one who was lip singing

on SNL. Is it equivalent to Fergie doing the national anthem? Now, that is a national treasure. Yeah, she can't get no better than that. That was the top 10. The basketball players are laughing at you. Top 10 messiest white woman moments. Remember when Fergie was on, like, the Today Show and she was doing one-armed flips?

I said, wow, mama, it's 7 a.m. And she was in those American Apparel latex pants and in a corset. And it was like, babe, if y'all don't think this is meth, I don't know what else is. But I love that for her. She's pissed her pants. She's done weird. You've seen the picture of her pissing her pants.

No. Well, how have you missed this? I didn't know that was a thing. That's just piss everywhere. She pissed her pants. What happened? She pissed her pants. There has to be a story.

You don't just piss your pants. She was on stage and she pissed her pants. You know what? I've been there. I have not pissed on my pants, but a little, a little doo-doo has come out, for sure. A little doo-doo, doo-doo-doo. Yes, it has happened to me. Have you seen the Hilary Duff on Good Morning America?

Oh, yeah. With the dance bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun. And she's eating it up. She is not eating it. She is. For her?

This is the audience. They're redoing the, like, dance kids are redoing that on TikTok, and they're making it seem so much better. Yes, Mary Beth and Benny, they do it when they open up their podcast, when they do it live. Well, nothing's better than her in Raise Your Voice. You've never seen this? No. Raise Your Voice, is that a white people's gospel movie? You have so many niche moments.

No, everybody, it's okay. I'm talking from like gay Instagram. There's a scene in Raise Your Voice, a shit movie that makes no sense. I want to be a singer and go to this school. She's accepting the summer school. Like, is this singer Save the Last Dance? It's like, yeah. But then her brother died in a car accident in the end.

Like, that's the whole thing about her brother. Anyway, so she makes it to this school. And everyone's going over. Aiden from Sex and the City is their teacher. And they're going over, like, you know, these notes. So then she stands up and she starts. And as John early says, it's a lot of shoulder acting. So, you know, she's like, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

And then they just use another woman's voice. Like, it's something like, hoo, hoo, ha, ha, hoo. And she ends up going, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the class is like, woo! I'm like, it is fully three women singing for her. I can't even never see that. Oh, my God. They're probably going to have to cut this out, but who gives a shit?

First of all, shoulder acting. Look at her hair. A spletcher, please. Look at the bangs. It's six women's voices. That's another voice. Yeah. Another voice.

That's her. That's her. And then now a new woman. Oh. That's not her fault. Ooh. It's back. All six of the voices were back.

No, they were good. I'm here for the work. All of them were, they felt anemic, they felt vegan, they felt gluten-free. The third one? The fourth one, when she twists her head, she goes, You know, when you have like an itch and you're like, Wait, you said Julia Stiles? No, she's not messy.

No, I didn't say Julia Stiles. I mean, in the movie, she was messy. Yeah, yeah. Which one? Save the Last Dance. Save the Last Dance. That was a movie thing, though. We're talking real life stuff.

In real life. Real life, I think... Because you don't hear much from her. No, no. Well, I think she went away. She was sent away from the dance. Juilliard. She's at Juilliard.

But it was a moment in time, and I think we needed that for the youth. No one, for now, to make fun of it. That's what we needed it for. No, during the time. I think that that movie let everyone know, I was like, you don't have to dance well. That's the message?

Yes, you don't have to dance well. You don't have to dance well to get to Julian? Or be in a movie. This is my favorite part, when she's in the chair. Doesn't she like clap under her leg at one point? You know she does, because that's hip hop. Oh, that's a messy white woman. The judges are like, mmm.

They're like, mmm. Because it turns into hip hop ballet. That's a messy white woman. The lady from Australia at the Olympics Oh yes She was the moment But she's Australian though That's separate from

You know we're talking about American I'm not talking about American I'm talking about white women Why are you limiting this to America Like we don't have international listeners Oh that's right I'm here to do some Hip hop dancing

I grew up on the Mine's more influenced by the kangaroo. Girl, they're messy all over the world. But I want to know the process of her being like,

you know what? I'm going to do it. And she got in. Here's the process. No one else in Australia was doing it. That's what it is. Because if anybody else

had done it, they'd be like, bitch, get out of here. But they were like, well, technically she's not not doing it. They were like, you're on the team

since you're the only one that showed up. And then she was like, I'm going to leave my warm-ups tucked in. It's like, everyone was making for that white lady

from the 90s and we were like, and when you hip hop dance she's on the list messy white woman she redid it recently and she looks good too she made her bang shorter

and it comes from the bottom and then you bring it up the jazz the jazz comes up from the leg I mean no one dances quite like Sid at karaoke I have videos I think that I too am a messy white woman within Sidney feels the music at karaoke in a way that no one else does

not as much as Amina Singing Kelly Clarkson? Yeah, but Sydney will be on the floor. Yeah, I'm rolling around. Amina's not getting on the ground. What would happen with a wig? Remember, where were we the first time we went karaoke-ing? The video going like this back and forth.

Oh, yes. I mean, I'm full body karaoke-ing. It's not just the voice. Oh, I have the best video of you karaoke-ing. What video? Remember that one where you put the flashlight underneath you? Oh, yes, because we were in a really dark room, and I was like, where's the lights?

Where are the visuals? She took her phone and flashed under her chin. Yeah, Sid turns into another person. Oh, yeah. She turns into six Hilary Duff's. I lived with the, not lived with, but I had the best upbringing by white women in college throughout all of my 20s. Not upbringing. How did they raise you, friend?

Oh, they raised me from the, they raised me with their own tit. They taught you how to take pickleback shots. Oh, they were the first ones that showed me Soko Lime in college. What's SoCo Lime? That's Southern Comfort and Lime. I feel like black people taught me that. I don't know what Southern Comfort... Is that a drink?

I don't drink. Yeah, that's your problem. Even when I did drink, I don't... What were you drinking when you drank? Well, you know, when you first start drinking, at first it was like beer. And I would never drink beer now. My first one was Mike's Heart Lemonade.

Then it was Zima. Zima? Zima Malt Liquor, baby. I remember Zima. Zima, let me look at this. Candy Lawrence had a great joke about Zima. She goes, everyone enjoying their Zimas. It was fully clear.

It looked like it could be Sprite. And then you taste it. It was a malt liquor. It was clear. Yeah, it was clear. Zima. What was the taste of it? It was lightly carbonated alcoholic beverage with 4.7 to 5.4% alcohol.

That's a lot. That's like a beer. That's the thing. It was like, it's hard to explain because you can feel the essence of beer in the taste. But it's not. Yeah, because beer now feels like you're just eating like liquid. Oh, it's from Coors Light. Coors Brewing.

So it is beer. Yeah. Oh, Smirnoff, I feel like, was my first. Oh, Smirnoff Ice was good. Yeah, Smirnoff Ice. I remember the first time. Fully activated. The first time I ever got drunk, I was in some Haitian people's backyard.

And I was like 15. I was like 15. Yeah, I was like 16 or 15. I had never gotten drunk before, so I was just drinking. And I got blackout drunk. and I was a block away from my house and my friends were like well we gotta take you home and I was like I can't go home

I'm gonna get in trouble and they were like well you can't stay here I'm like they put me in the car I jump out they put me in the car I jump out they locked it I jump out the window they put the child locks on so my friend is driving me home and I open the door

finally when we get to my house and I fall out of the car and my dad was in the window watching me fall what did he say? Well, he, so this, my brother's friend was across the street, and he was like, is that Marie? Yes, it is Marie. And he comes to get me, and we sit on the stoop, and my dad opens the door behind me, and my friend runs away. And I was like, no one can see me.

And I got drunk. I hid behind a bush. And my dad was like, I can see you. And then it was like, well, now I'm peeing. Yes, that happened when I had Mike's Hard Lemonade. I had two of them back to back, and I was holding my pee because we were drinking on the roof. Well, you could have peed off the roof. you could have no no no no no because i didn't because then we had to go in the house and then

her parents like could tell that something was up so i was like i'm just gonna go home and then i ended up going downstairs and i i'm not gonna hold this p to get to the train so i peed on eighth street like right eighth street on soho i peed right you peed in soho i peed in soho when soho wasn't really soho you know when soho when soho had no hoes well i was the hope for so I was so hoeing and hoeing and peeing in the street the pee smelled sweet too

uh uh the pee had a little kick to it this is what a little sweet is doing wait another another Betty White no she was so kind

what a nice old lady did she die recently Yeah, she died. Yeah. Like Christmastown? She died a couple years ago, right? You know what was messy? Someone who was like, did a meme, they're like, Betty White, you're not going to end the year with us.

And then she died. I was like, why would you put that negativity out there? Well, to be sure, she was like 98. Yeah. Marilyn Monroe. I feel bad. I mean, it's kind of like a Britney situation where it's like, I mean, too many people taking advantage of her.

Yes, absolutely. There was an interview that she did where it was kind of cool. she was like she was talking about how she was walking with one of her friends and she goes you want to see what happens when i put marilyn on they go okay and she changed her body and changed how she walked and changed her and they went from no one stopping them in the streets to crowds of people around them it was like she could turn it on that marilyn because we listened to some interviews with her she was very down to earth and very yeah norma jean or barbara jean she had plastic surgery too at that time they did her chin and her nose marilyn yeah she had plastic surgery

Yeah, I watched the whole thing about it. Yeah. Well, they did a phenomenal job. I couldn't even tell. Little stuff. I mean, they're not what they can do today, but they changed part of her nose and her chin. It's like the beginning of plastic surgery.

Yeah, I think her, I think people who are excluded from, yes, they did mess, but I think it also, like, the industry ruined them. Her, Anna Nicole Smith. I mean, but Anna Nicole really knew how to make it comical. She was funny. And then it got sad.

Yeah. The last year, the Trim Spa years were... The Trim Spa was fucking messy. Was Trim Spa the original Ozempic? No, I think Trim Spa was just like along a bunch of lines of like diet products. I don't know if it was like caffeine, like spaget. I don't know what it did. I don't know what Trim Spa did, but it...

It's the original flat tummy tea. It was. Oh, the flat tummy tea. Flat tummy tea was just like a laxative. It just made you empty your whole... Yeah, and then you were like, now I'm skinny. But also, I think that they would have, like, ambassadors that are like, oh, I'm trans spa, but they actually had a whole bunch of plastic surgery

and, like, lipo and stuff, so you don't really know. Yeah, I mean, any time a celebrity endorses something at that level, you know what I mean? They're getting paid a lot. They're getting paid a lot. Wait, was Ricky Lake messy? Her show was messy. Her show was messy.

She wasn't messy. I don't know much about her, but she became famous from Hairspray. then she had the ricky lake show wait she was she was a more kind original yeah she was a really kind host she wasn't as she acted like she didn't know what was going on yes everything would happen she would go huh and i'm like that's your secret yeah but she was one of us i'm shocked you're shocked we all shocked i'm in my earpiece like now bring out the husband what was the messiest show was it ricky lake jenny jones this is a trick question yes it is ricky lake jenny jones uh Jerry Springer or Sally Jesse Raphael?

I didn't watch Sally, and I don't remember what Jenny Jones was talking about. Jenny Jones is a mess because someone got murdered after her show in Chicago. Wasn't it about someone not coming out, or like somebody was in the closet? Yeah, something about being gay, and then someone got killed. Being gay used to be really scary, huh? Yeah, Jenny Jones. Yes, girl, it's still scary to be gay. Well, I'm sorry.

People are not down with it. I'm sorry. Some. Ooh, ooh. When I say some, I'm saying... We mean all of them. No. It's fine.

Being gay is cool now. Being straight is gross. I don't know. I think it all... I need... There needs to be more asexual awareness. Where are the asexuals at? Please come out.

They're at the house. No, they need to come out. Why do they need to come out? They're home banging nobody. Exactly. But I need more, like, out and proud asexuals, you know? They need a new PR twist. They need more cool asexuals coming out,

being proud that they're not banging anybody. They look good. They smell good. They're working hard. So maybe they can sell it. Maybe more people need to be asexual. You know what, Sydney? Start the movement.

I did. You hot, shirtless bitch. I was asexual for about five years. I'm not going to say what years it was, But yes, I was quite not having any banging of the coochies at all. So, yeah. And when I would say, I think I'm asexual, people are like, that feels sad. So, I don't think I'm the one.

Well, they shouldn't say that. They were saying that. I hate that. They were like, you're asexual and you're sober and you're gay. Fuck off. Yeah, I am. And I was quite mean and rude. That's crazy.

Yeah. I don't remember if I said that, but I might have said that. I'm like, oh, you might have said that, Marie. I'm not mad at that. Just pull your beret down. Mateo, let's get into you. Do you have any, you know, top five messy moments for yourself? Yeah.

Of your life? We hit the white women. Now it's you. Yes, I am a very messy white woman. One being when I was young and I drank for the first time, I remember my friend Chuck, his older brother, got us a bunch of Mike's Hard Lemonades. And what happened is I was with my friend Cesar, Chuck.

chuck chuck yeah a young chuck he was dating this girl named veronica and i was like 15 or 16 we're drinking mike's hard lemonade and then because we i just didn't know you just like you said you just drink so i drank like too much vodka straight yeah and all i remember was like speaking spanish with veronica in the backyard at the table and then i woke up in mark's house somehow like the next morning and shrek was on and i was like what happened and mark's like okay you passed out and then caesar recorded it and so they called me it's awful they call it's funny now they called it fetus and like i was like throwing up in chuck's mom's car and then they like had to clean it up and mark's little brother had to come and like help clean and then they were like calling

my sister like is he usually like this she's like i don't fucking know you know what i mean like she's like i'm drunk too and then the next day we woke up mark took me to a panera bread on halstead street which isn't even there anymore in chicago what a nice mic we need more mics out here Well, Mike's hard and Mike's, oh. But Mike's hard lemonade did do it to me. But then we went to a water park that day, and then we all got kicked out for mooning each other. Oh, like how I'm going to get in trouble on the train later

with this rip in my pants. I can't believe that happened to you, Marie. Girl! Yeah, she came in, she's like, I ripped my pants. These are really cute pants. Just make sure you get them fixed. Oh, babe, I love these pants. They're quite nice.

But it's ripped right on the seam, so I think I'll be like, You can sew it. Oh, yeah. Me or someone else. So you're going to go home and sew them immediately? lately maybe because i'm gonna wear these to the show do you know how to sew yes i remember i i knew how to i used to know how to sew all the way up to the yeah you're gonna walk out here just in a corset marie you got a fat ass girl ass ass ass ass listen who needs a bbl when you just built

like marie shut up sitting backwards one day coming back from coming back from brazil columbia marie we didn't even uh get into your mess what was yours for the week well is this messy or is this just living yeah i've unblocked two men from my past and um and uh i'm not trying to be with either of them but um so if you're listening yeah yeah i'm like hello we're saying it out loud now it's the mic on it's like we're watching real housewives they're like i don't want anyone to know this but i'm like bitch you're on tv yeah and it's like the record i'm whispering about it because I don't want them to hear. But yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unblocked two people and you know both of them. You know the last two, the most prominent two. And I think each of them is trying to impress me in their own way. And between the two of them,

I have one good man. That's hot. That's living, babe. Also, this is great for Marie because she's playing game show hosts every week. And let's see what contestant number one has.

Ding, ding, ding, ding. And then you're like, challenge. I challenge you to a duel. To a duel. Who will have the best date idea and come pick me up within the next 30 minutes? Well, this guy, one of them, messaged me last week. And he was like, hey, are you free this week?

And I was like, yeah, I might be free on Thursday. Try to keep it loose, you know. And he was like, are you cool with surprises? Can I send a car to come pick you up at 745? No, I do not like surprises. I do not like surprises. I don't know. I kind of want to see what it is.

He knows how to get to Marie. Marie, you like the suspense. I need to know what's going on. I'm like, what? I said, well, can I get a hint? What do I need to wear? And he said, nothing, nothing too. Nothing.

Walking naked. So these are the perfect pants to wear on the date. Girl, what if he picks you up, takes you somewhere, and then proposes? What? You're not worried about that? Circumstances. Proposes? I haven't seen this person in months.

That's a reason to propose. Hey, I have not seen you. I want you back, baby. Here's the ring. That's a reason for me to block you for life. Yes or no. Sidney, he didn't hit you up, did he? Hey, which one of these rings would Marie like?

Sidney's like, this one. Two carat? It's a ring pop. Marie, would you like two carat? Ten carat? Sidney, I'm not doing this with you. What kind of shape? I want one of the J-Lo rings.

Really? She has five or six. How many times has she been engaged? She's like a Super Bowl of divorce. She's the Thanos of... You said... Yes, Thanos is a much better... That's a much better metaphor.

Where is Thanos? Yeah, so I just... She snaps and her marriage is over. She snaps and Ben Affleck is back with Jennifer Garner. Yeah, I feel like that's the one he really loves, Jennifer Garner. I don't know who he loves. But she doesn't want him back. But he's a mess.

He loves Matt Damon. I met Matt Damon once at the Cellar. Was he tall? No, but he was very, very nice. Him and his wife. They'd had a couple drinks, but they were really, really sweet. And they were watching the show. They're friends with Tom Papa.

So we all ate dinner together. It was so weird to be sitting with Matt Damon. Angelina Jolie, I think she's on the cusp of mess. I saw an interview of her last night. She was on The Tonight Show, one of them shows. And she was like, I don't do late night shows. This is the first one I've done in decades or a decade. She seemed great.

What brought her out? She has a new movie. Maria Callas. Maria Callas. She's playing an opera singer. Oh, that's stunning. Is she singing for real? She learned how to sing, but they do most of the mixing.

So I think it's like 90% Maria's voice. But there'll probably be moments where she's like, Yeah, Maria was losing her mind. And that's the time. Yeah, yeah. That's the time where Angelina Jolie. Yeah, that's Angelina. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. She's getting Hillary Duff. I have no gift to bring. I think Angelina Jolie's messiest moment was when she was with Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob. Or making out with her brother.

But they was wearing Billy's blood on the red carpet and he was wearing hers on that necklace. Remember? Yes, but that makes sense. What?

Her and Billy Bob to me was like, girl, why are you with him? He looks like a tow truck. But you gotta have that moment. Every girl has that moment in her life where they look back

and they're like, I don't know what that gremlin I was dating, but that was the time. We all have one person that we're like, whoo. And I know she had a ball.

You know what I'm saying? She was wearing like sleeveless tank tops. She was giving stem. She's stunning. Yeah, but she was also giving like grungy lesbian vibes. Yeah, she was.

And they were like making out on the red carpet. That's life. That's exciting. She was married to him. Were they married? They were married. I don't think she was married.

She changed when she did Tomb Raider and she met her first son and she adopted him. And then that's when she was like, never mind. I'm going to just be more of a humanitarian and raise a family.

I like Angelina Jolie. Yeah, I like her, too. The pipeline to kissing your brother to humanitarian. It's a little strange, the kissing of the brother. I will admit, it was very Game of Thrones. It was very Cersei Lannister. You're not into that. Messy wife.

I'm not. Cersei Lannister is a very messy white woman. Absolutely. Oh, Sarah Jessica Parker, not messy. Not messy. But Carrie Bradshaw, the messiest. Oh, Carrie Bradshaw is a fucking nightmare. No, we are actually putting her number one as messiest white woman on record.

There were so many seasons and it was all of the red flags. Losing Aiden's dog while he's redoing her wall to make out with fucking Big. You're a fucking mess. Girl, leaving your best friend who just had a baby to go meet the man who barely cares about you before he moves. I'm like, girl, the baby just came out to cooch. The placenta is still on his eyebrow. You're like, gotta go. yeah but i mean to be fair her water broke on her new shoes so i would leave my friend too

gotta go girl asking charlotte hey can you give up your ring so i can afford my apartment that wild she stormed over there like give me the money charlotte didn't need that fucking apartment charlotte's a big charlotte's not a mess but she's annoying hold on now i'm standing right here when I said... Charlotte Hive. Wait, what? Charlotte Hive. Charlotte Hive, yes.

How many bees are left in this colony? It's just Sydney and Charlotte. Tell me your reasoning. Why? She's a mess. Why? She's like 40 years old

and they're at breakfast and she's like, Kegel, what's that? Wait, is that a Lisa Treger joke? That might be. That's why I know this. She was not in her 40s Shout out to Lisa Treger

if that's a Lisa Treger joke. It actually might be, but she was right. She talks about Charlotte. But Charlotte, this is my friend Pat Powerside, Charlotte should have a hand next to her face

so that every time she talks it slaps her she just says such stupid shit it's not stupid she's she was sheltered and some people are sheltered and she was sheltered in manhattan yeah in a divorce getting an apartment she was not sheltered well to be fair kegels were invented in 1999 so maybe that's why she didn't know what they were suzanne summers invented them with the thymaster carrie bradshaw really was the messiest because she didn't have no life savings she had no money but she and i think her rent because i'm re-watching the series now. Her rent was like $900.

For that apartment? Yeah. In the village? That was the time. It was the 99s. We miss those days. Yeah. Who was mayor at that time?

Rudy Giuliani. Damn. Do we need to bring him back? Sidney said bring back Giuliani so her rent could be $900. You want the mafia days back? You want gays being... What do you want?

She wants low rent, babe. I just want to be able to afford an apartment without like pretending to be somebody else on paper. Wait, before we end this, Let me ask if that's Lisa's joke. Yeah, you should.

Also, Carrie Bradshaw going to Paris with this, like, abusive artist. They had no chemistry. No, I hated the Paris. Are you really FaceTiming? Yes, I want to ask. I swear to God that's her joke. We got to give credit where credit's due. I don't know if she's going to pick up.

I bet you she's. Lisa, question. Lisa. Is it your joke, Lisa, where you're, like, about sex in the city, and then you say, like, Charlotte's, like, four years old, and she's like, what's a Kegel? Yeah. Because I said it, I instinctively said I hated Charlotte.

And then I said that, I go, wait a minute, that's Liza Traeger who said that. So then I had to call you. I don't know what a fuck buddy was. She doesn't know anything. Wait, Liza, while we have you here. We have a special guest, special, special guest. Can you name top three messiest white women of all time? Ooh, cool.

What pops into mind since, you know, quick FaceTime, I'm going to say Courtney Love. Oh, good one. Courtney. Messy, white, Britney Spears. Okay, we discussed Britney. No, but we said that that's a product. They're rebuking the word mess. That's a product of the industry.

But I'm just abused, you know. She has problems. And then it could be a fictional white woman. And we took Anna Nicole Smith out as well. Product of the environment. So you get one more, Liza. Who gets arrested? Because I love Lindsay, too.

All these people have bad parents. Yeah, but Lindsay really made a comeback. She's never looked better than she looks now. Her face looks so good. Oh, I guess the real housewives, now that I'm looking at my fridge, like Sonia Morgan. Oh, yeah. Sonia. I love her.

I remember Sonia. I remember serving her when I used to work at the Rose Bar. And when I tell you that woman would come in with a cardigan, flipped curls, and was ready to go. She was one of those people that were like, I'm not going to get dressed up, but I'm going to get every man in here. And she did. We'll call you later, Lisa. Thank you. Thank you, Lisa.

I didn't know about Sydney's past with Sonia. Damn. Oh, yeah. I met Sonia before she was on the show. And she came in with. Maybe Melanie Griffith. Oh, good one. I met Melanie once in LA.

Oh, that's in the archive. I don't know. Who was the country singer? Who was that white girl who sang in Coyote Ugly? No, Coyote Ugly. yes she's messy is leon rhymes the one who stole that her husband from somebody else yes now i don't want to see eddie it was he worth stealing you know it was a man in a book thank you for your contribution bye lisa we love you love you bye that's a comic thing you

gotta credit comics you know when you say something you're like wait i've heard that before that's lisa trager yeah but you have a good memory so you remember i'm like these and i also were on the road together for an entire year doing the worst comedy clubs in america bombing every single night what what year was this 2016 oh okay this was a long time oh my god the fight to be together with the audience but i knew her whole hour she knew my whole hour oh yeah friendship one time we were in seattle and lisa was getting into a fight with this woman in the audience and she was standing on stage fighting her and then the fire alarm went off then we all had to leave and as we're leaving

the host is handing out his mixtape then we all go outside, the fire trucks come, they say it's fine, then we all had to go back in, the audience sat right back down, Lisa gets to say the woman continued heckling her. No! After all you've been through. Lisa should have been Tyrese on the back, what more

do you want from me? Where in Seattle? I had such a good time in Seattle. No, it was a suburb of Seattle, it was in a comedy club like 40 minutes outside the city. Well, I would be angry too if i lived outside a small city if i live near gray's anatomy and it's always raining and no one came to see it no one we couldn't sell tickets and what and look at you now selling theaters every single thing out selling everything i'm telling you i mean you're going to be new

york times bestseller for sure mateo what's something that you would never sell um something i would never sell like a product yeah what's something that you wouldn't i don't know something that hurt people something that hurt people yeah so guns you wouldn't you wouldn't be a part

of the NRA can you imagine yeah can you imagine gays for guns I can see you on that I can see you in the campaign

gays for guns yes AK-47 you sitting right on it and you then eating some pasta you're like people ask me every day

how I get these abs trim spa baby flat tummy I want you to make my We have messages. Should we get into that?

I forgot about these. Wow. Yeah, we have some messages we need to read that listeners have sent in. Okay, here we go. My mess is that I'm a retired prostitute, age 25-ish. Whoa, you got out the game early. Yeah, baby. Read the sentence again.

I'm a retired prostitute? Yes, age 25-ish. Wow. And my ex-pimp, age 50-ish, is requesting that I come back to him. But I feel like it's a trap. Oh, you don't say. He says he wants to build with me the right way. He wants us to make legal money and live a life together in a square.

A square? In a square. normal non-illegal relationship he's calling like you know a healthy living life square he's double your age babe and you just said you're retired but maybe she'll come back out the game i haven't seen him in person in years we don't live in the same state wait hold on so you're gonna travel you're gonna travel let me let me read okay i've moved on and changed my life for the better amen he is in my past but i am conflicted okay what is the conflict i know there is a catch no i thought i was gonna i'm waiting for her to be like the catch is no she says i know there is

a catch well maybe does he honestly miss me or maybe he's trying to use me and trap me girl friend i think if your instincts are that someone might be trying to use you and trap you it's best to keep them completely out of your life and have people only in your life that you don't second guess but also i've moved on and changed my life for the better and you live in a different state and here we are with a message coming to us so we've not moved on fully no i think it's about getting some self-confidence you got to believe in yourself you got to be strong and you got to set boundaries and not let people in your life that are going to make you double guess yourself yeah i remember a old manager of mine text me and was like hey we're opening up a bar

would love to know if you would like to, like, you know, come in. And I said, what? When was this? Like, two years ago. I was like, is my career doing that bad? Where you're like, hey, I think you need to sling some bottles now. I saw you on a thing on Netflix. It looked really bad.

You should come in. Just saw you on Abbott Elementary and that you're nominated for an Emmy. Do you think you could come in at 5 p.m. on Tuesday? Hey, I see you just won a WGA award. But do you want to swing by and do a double this weekend? Yeah, no, that was really scary moments. I was like, am I doing good or am I doing bad? I have no idea.

Well, my question about this listener letter is why not start an OnlyFans? And then you get to keep all your money, babe. Yeah. Why are you, what is this person adding to your life? That's what I'm saying. I'm just saying this person, if you have any kind of gut feeling about someone in your life, that's not good. just take them out why avoid the inevitable yeah i think we're at a at the age well she's 25 ish 25 ish 25 ish that means 30 that means 30 so that's 52 i too am 25 years i think that if you

are in a in a state of like having to ask all these questions you probably shouldn't need to do it because if i'm thinking too much about the what ifs that means that i don't have definite answers right in my time in my life i need to know for sure when i step out my house is it going to be worth it am i making money wait am i having a good time wait a minute hold on hold on hold on does he honestly miss me or is he trying to use me and trap me or is his old ass truthfully done living that lifestyle and why do i feel myself missing him we video called the other day for the first time in a long time and i forgot how good he looked and how smooth his voice sounded and how beautiful his green eyes were.

What about the heart? Bitch, you should have dropped the photo. You can't say all of this and then don't let us know what this man is looking like for real. Because we'll let you know real quick. I see green eyes and I'm like, oh, that's a white man.

Or a light-skinned guy with some green eyes. Yeah, a Drake with green eyes. Girl, send us a picture of him. Yeah, we would love that. And then we can determine, no, she didn't mention anything about who he is. She said he says skin is smooth. So, okay, this is just a movie of some,

and her skin is white as snow. She lives in the forest. Oh, my God. Matteo, we didn't even talk about this. You Italian and the assassinator guy is also Italian. How do you feel about Luigi? Luigi Mangione.

How do you feel about that? He's really beautiful. But the thing is, even if he didn't look... All the Italian comments are like, yo, that wasn't him, but he was cooking at my cousin's house. He was making sauce on Sunday.

And then they're like, he only got arrested because he called it gravy instead of sauce. Like, this is the weirdest thing that it's like kind of brought so many people together. It's brought so many good together. And then the news reporters will be like, well, there's been some people online

who have kind of made this as something it's not. It's a terrible tragedy. And the rest of us are like, okay. They're like, is it a tragedy? But the thing is, I don't even think it matters that he's attractive. I think people were going to be on this bandwagon of like... But then he comes out and he's fucking Aladdin.

I mean, he's hot. Yeah, those brows. Woo. Wait, was Aladdin? He just looks like a... Was Aladdin Italian? Italian and the King of Thieves. Why can't it say Luca?

Mario? I said, did I watch the right Aladdin? A genie. You didn't know Prince Abubu was Italian? I had no idea. Prince Abubuano. I want to make my second wish. I wish it to be a prince.

Oh, my God. Get out to me, little genie. Yahoo. Yes. Olivia, did you find a way to play it? The control booth has it. Okay, let's go, booth. Okay, let's hear it.

Yep. Hi, Sydney and Marie. Sydney here from Houston. No way. Hi, Sydney. Okay, so is this mess or just living? So I was talking to this dude. He put in my DMs and, like, first thing he said was, like, you're gorgeous.

I would love to take you out to this Christmas bar that we have in town. I was like, okay, cool. like we hit it off and we started having great conversation or whatever we uh went out on our first day had a great time and everything was going well and in the midst of us having conversation on this date mind you he's from out of town he is from new york and i'm born and raised here in houston and he's been out here for about like six months and so like while we're on the date he's like oh yeah you know y'all wasn't out here so different there's some beautiful women here i was like yeah i mean we were really diverse we're a motion pot yeah yeah she's like yeah i was

up to this one girl um we literally like a couple weeks ago she was man she was fun man he kind of like gazed off and i'm looking like so he's like yeah um she was fine um we hit it off we had a great time he was like i was like oh okay and then he was like yeah and then after the day i didn't hear back from us so i don't know i guess that's it and i just looked at him is it mess to be talking about other dates or other people you've been with on a date is that just living because we're not anything obviously that's like what they were kind of rude i i know you're talking other people so am i but i'm not going to talk about it in front of you and then right right specialize her in the sense of like oh yeah she was fine it kind of like days and it was weird so

is it mess or am i chirping is he just living and i just need to live more no oh i like that no that is he living and i just need to live more here's what happened the reason she called is because it's it's shocking right it's it's something that's unexpected usually when someone asks you out on a date you of course were dating other people but you kind of keep it to just like you know let's just keep it between us and see if there's anything here so i would i would be like her be like shocked that someone could actually have the balls to sit there and talk about dating other women and this and that and da da da in front of her it's like all right like okay I'm glad like obviously we're not like together but this is it's inappropriate it's just

there's a time and a place or I didn't ask you like sure there are couples that can be like that but at first on the first date and someone's courting you don't you kind of want to like don't be like oh I went on a date last weekend oh she was so hot and she never called me yeah while I'm sitting here no I think I think moving forward for all dates people who are listening to us no pass let's talk about what's the present what are we doing now how are we feeling now what what are we looking forward to what did you watch what on your first date you should not be trauma dumping you should not be um unpacking things that happen in last relationships like i agree with that we just the the bread is warm and also the bread is i rather you talk about the paint on the

wall than talk about somebody you used to date three years ago also i just love they're at a She's at the Christmas bar? All right, here's what we're going to do, okay? You're her, you're him, okay? And action. So, how long have you been in Houston? Well, I was here last week. I was actually taking this girl out with this pixie cut.

Wow, her eyes were so almond. And we really had a great conversation about football. And I was like, damn, should I marry her? But yeah, she never called me back. How are you doing? Check, check. Give it to him. Give him the check.

But also, how do you respond in a situation like that? If you're on a date, if I was on a date with somebody and they were talking about somebody else, I'd be like, are we? I would say right away, I'd be like, well, that's interesting. I would actually leave. Like, that's crazy that you're talking about her while I'm sitting here. When I used to date, I remember one time this guy, he was like, according to me, like, let's go, let's meet, blah, blah, blah.

It's like 11 a.m. He's like, okay, 6.30, we're going to get dinner. I said, okay, I'll pick this place. It's called Piccolo Cucina. It's one of my favorite. They know me there. It's packed. It was like around Valentine's Day, you know.

So that makes up, we've been talking for a while. And then at like 6.20, I text him like, all right, I'm almost there. I'll get us a table. He goes, oh, I'm about to leave my house. I'm like, hey, we have like, it's 6.30. So then I'm like, okay. Come on, Marie.

That's Marie. Hey, I'm already at the house. I'm on my way. I'm almost there. What's the dress code? I'm drinking. so i sit down and it's been like 10 minutes and he's texting me oh i don't understand the trains i'm trying to figure out the trains blah blah blah i'm like okay so i'm like whatever so then

they give me a glass of wine i'm drinking it now it's like 25 minutes now i'm furious because the messages are still like i think now i had to get out now i had to take an uber now i had to do this now do that so i was like if i swear to god if it goes a half hour i'm just leaving i'm literally just leaving i'm this is a waste of my fucking time we've been playing this since 11 a.m right Like, come on. And if you don't know the train, you should have left with enough time to figure it out. So I just say to the waiter, are you talking to you? I know the train.

I know where it is. I know where to stay. You're like, I'm never leaving the train, baby. It's always me. I'll get to the front of the train or the end of the train. And I know where to transfer. That's such a New York thing to say. So then I just said to the waiter, I'm like, all right, I'm leaving.

I said, I'm Italian. I said, hey, he's not coming. I was like, so let me just pay for the wine. And the whole staff was like, no, Mateo. No, you don't pay for the wine. It was Luigi. You don't pay for the wine, Mateo. We'll shoot him.

So I was like, all right. So I leave. And then at like 7.10, he texts me. Hey, I'm here. Where are you? What? And I wrote back and I said, I left. I said, I'm not waiting 40 fucking minutes for you.

I don't even know you. I left. He goes, oh my. He tried putting it on me. I told you I didn't know where I was going. I told you I didn't understand the trains. and now I came all the way down here for this. I said, you and I both came down there.

I'm a busy person. I don't have time for this. After he would have said, I came all the way down here. Blocked. You're getting the green bubbles now, baby, because you're going to be down there right by yourself. You better text somebody else.

I would have texted, oh, yeah, I'm in the bathroom. 7.30, he'd be like, yo, what's up? Taking a dump. Can't open this door. And he would have sat there. But yeah, no. Uh-uh. No.

We made the date the day of, and you're 45 minutes late? No. Well, maybe that's why so-and-so is sending me a car this Thursday. Because he doesn't want you to be on time?

Because he knows I'm late. So now the driver's got to be like, she's running late. It's going to be like you in Home Alone 2. It's going to be a big limo and you're going to be in the back eating a pizza.

I'm going to be eating pizza. But the thing is, is that Marie, a car will be waiting downstairs for you and you'll legit still be late. Oh, baby, a black car has to wait, what?

Five, ten minutes? Fifteen. You're taking the whole 15. I'm coming down in 13 and a half minutes. No, girl, you're coming in 16 minutes. Oh, my God, Mateo. Thank you so much for coming in. You're amazing.

Can you please tell the listeners what you have going on? When can they catch you? Like a week. Oh, I'm currently on tour. I'm going to name out the cities I'm coming to because we just announced the second part of my tour. So if you want, I'll be in Louisville, Providence, Rhode Island, Philadelphia, Orlando, Jacksonville,

Florida, Seattle, Charlotte. Toronto, Los Angeles, Baltimore and Radio City Music Hall April 5th in New York City. We will all be there. MateoLaneComedy.com and see you guys there. And my book comes out April 1st,

Your Pasta Sucks, a cookbook with Mateo Lane. And that's that. I love that. You are not a mess, Mateo. Everything is in order. No, you're a little bit of a mess. I mean, you did get here

30 minutes earlier than us. Well, I thought it was at 2. And thank God. Mateo messaged us at 1.43. Marie, hey, I'm running five minutes late. And I was like, am I running half an hour late? Did I get the time wrong? I was like, Marie, I was like, not again.

I'm so late. I'm tired. They're going to fire me. I said, we're recording at 2.30. And then I looked at my calendar to make sure. And then you didn't say anything. And I was like, wait, is it 2? And then it was 2.30.

So, yeah, okay, Matteo, as an Italian person, if you could shoot somebody, who would you shoot? No. Oh, my God, Marie. I mean, we have a history. let's not act like that's not historical NOL

thank you for being here sending us messages and reviewing us on iTunes and I love when they leave comments on Spotify I'm obsessed with that

it's really it's really cute and sweet thank you so much oh listen to my podcast with Nick Smith called I Never Liked You on all places to get

podcasts on YouTube oh look at that we're out of time they didn't even get to record that bye mess with Sydney Washington

and Marie Faustin is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio podcast. Created and hosted by Sydney Washington and Marie Faustin. Executive produced by Olivia Aguilar and Han Sani. Super produced by Becca Ramos. Edited and mixed by Brian Jeffries. If you would like your messages read on air,

please email us at messthepodcast at gmail.com or call for your messages to be played at 763-280-6588.