MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Oh, That Dick Don't Count

Episode Date: June 15, 2018

Sydnee meets her favs and fangirls OUT... Marie is not amused, but she was high AF. Lets talk about sex, which dicks in your past, don't count? were you in Vegas? doesn't count. Where you at a destination wedding? doesn't count. He didn't have abs?? sis, That. Doesn't. Count. Where are our DJ listeners at? We NEED a theme song. Someone send this episode to Calvin Harris or DJ Khalid's terrible ass. Oh...and the Patreon is POPPING today too.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hi oh my goodness hi sydney wow wow wow wow hi friends hi thousands upon thousands of people who listen to our podcasts all over the world wow wow wow we're so you know we got a lot to catch up on so much so many things we missed a whole episode and the dms were like what the hell is going on they're like are y'all doing they're like we see you guys posting on insta stories you guys have time yeah it's true people are like we know you don't have jobs but honestly we don't have time because we also are busy but also it's just like we gotta come to marie's house we gotta like set it up you're saying we gotta go to marie's house i live here this this i'm here already we let the record show that i'll be ready to do the podcast at my house oh i gotta come all

the way here it's an hour away she gotta take two buses and three trains it's just a lot or a 30 uber 30 uber i'm like is the podcast worth 30 is it the patreon people think it is i know we gotta upload that as well wow we're just so fucking behind sydney i don't know why you start so negatively oh you're right you're right just negative so sorry some people just don't know how to see the silver lining um playbook in it all uh that movie was terrible yeah my cup is always empty it's not runneth over it says you might need to go to church or something yo i was thinking about going to hillsong and then i was like i saw the niggas in leather jackets again and i was like nah let's back it up let's back it up let's back it up back it up uh so for those of

y'all who are not in the know hillsong is like cool church right the pastor of hillsong is justin bieber's pastor and he like he's like a celebrity he hangs out with like basketball players and stuff so it's a cool church because all the pastors have tattoos and they wear sleeveless leather jackets the way they hair the way their hair it just it's not church appropriate it's listen i the first time i went to hillsong i was like oh y'all just got shocked bodycon dresses from last night like everybody looked like the club from the night before it looked like they in a club it's in a super club it's not in a club sis it's in the hammerstein ballroom it's in an arena sis that's pretty much a club is it every time i've been there i've been doing molly and

everything else okay well you know the close the more drugs you take the closer to god you'll be you know what i mean the higher you are the closer to god facts god anyway it's a it's fun church uh that's what that's what it's called cool church yeah you wear mini skirts and you could wear um if you're a man you can wear your hair in a man bun and people are like okay you'll turn to ephesians when they said you can venmo the lord i was like okay this is your church for me this is the church for me listen y'all trying to venmo jesus oh my god because the answer is prayers yeah i definitely try to venmo jesus because you know when you tell that person like oh yeah i'll venmo you and then you never do please in san francisco we went to a diner with

a bunch of dudes bunch of gay dudes happy pride and uh um one woman had cash and she's like i got you know i got some cash and then this one guy was like oh yeah you have to just venmo me for your food me and molly were like yeah we'll venmo you i said what's your venmo i said what is your name in real life and then he said it and i forgot it right away so shout out to all the gay guys that are buying food for people at diners at two o'clock in the morning um in san francisco y'all are to live y'all are doing the work of the lord lord lord and i if i hit you with a i'm a venmo you you already know i'm lying at i'm laughing while i'm saying the sentence i know that's why i don't know sis give me that cash i'll be like i'm a venmo you no and then i leave yeah but i'm that

type of person that i need my venmo i need my money i can't wait around i've been waiting around for checks for months now and i'm trying to let these people know what makes you think that i could wait this long for this money the fact that you are waiting that long for the money well i'm i'm making it work i'm still i'm stealing from peter to pay adrian and then stealing from adrian to pay at&t oh yeah yeah a lot what are you paying adrian for yo let's run through the list of things that you pay for at at the home with a girlfriend i'm definitely not contributing enough but we went when we went to san francisco i paid for you know half the freaking trip was mad expensive so like i had to pay her back for that

I paid that back. You paid for her ticket? No, I paid for my ticket and half the room. Oh, okay. That sounds fair. Oh, no. Half the room? I mean, she had paid in the beginning for everything.

Oh, you had to pay her back when you got your money for that? Oh, as soon as I got that check, I deposited it and then Venmo'd her real quick. All the trips that I took with my ex-boyfriend and all the fools that I go out with now, I don't be paying for nothing. I'm not giving you half of anything. yeah especially if you invite see that's the thing that's where i think adrian might be a better person than me because if i'm coming to see you perform she is a better person if i'm coming to just so you know hold on back up back up we're gonna put a pin in that and come back

to that shade just so you know bitch uh do not know that and half of the people listening also did not know that uh so if i'm coming to see you perform and you you get in a hotel for something that you're doing i'm not giving you half and we sharing a bed sis if i wasn't here you would paid for the whole thing yourself that's what i that would have been my mindset if i was adrian yeah which is why i don't have a girlfriend no well if i wouldn't have if we wouldn't have went together i would have just gone with somebody else who is was in the festival yeah so i actually i fucked up you sure did that's what that's what you get for bringing your significant other to work bring your girl to work day yeah but i needed her i needed i was too nervous i was so anxious my

anxiety was at the roof anxious y'all love that what happened to genuine um genuine misspelled genuine he was on a show that's on um bravo i think real housewives of atlanta no it's it's something like your like your boyfriend is cheating on you with something like with cheaters no it's something stupid but he looks a mess he looks so bloated he was so fine he that must mean he's like an alcoholic or maybe he's doing like he's popping pills because i feel like you bloat when you do drugs i just want to let you know all the people who you're like oh my god that person was so damn fine yeah it hits the hotness fades away eventually meanwhile the people that you

thought were not cute some are here glowing up honestly glowing the fuck every time i walk by a sore window i'm like is that my face now wow when i tell you i was not cute high school and junior high school and college let me tell you something sis is thriving now my bone structure is popping also i don't have glasses anymore so i've always had bone structure but now i just i had a little round kid face little beaver face little chipmunk face you've always had these cheeks you never had a puffy child face when you were doing drugs you didn't have a round sodium face oh yes i did oh my god my face was so fucking alvin and the chipmunks okay it was yeah but for me for me i can use some weight on my face and my body because i'm thin i'm gaunt

yeah you're giving me uh winona rider yeah you're giving uh johnny depp's daughter the quote-unquote my damn yeah i'm giving you i'm coming in and i'm stealing everything you're giving me have you ate anything at all today no your face is serving pursuit of happiness sleeping in a bathroom with a baby pretending it's a spaceship okay bitch all right we get it it's so fucking rude your face is serving poverty no it isn't it's it's giving you do you want to be on top yeah definitely i want to be on top of somebody's bank account well you got to get on top of their dick first that's not happening that that time has come and gone really you're just gonna be

gone forever i mean i'm definitely not hooking up with anybody for money it's not happening i feel like for the right amount of money i'll hook up with somebody you know for the right amount of money i am in there i'll sit on it you hear that listeners i don't know if yo i don't know who is listening but i know from the dms they're all over there's all over the world south africa they're australia there's like there's tons of the uk we have everybody and we have a lot of messy listeners because they like the podcast so i know y'all messy a lot of people listening have a price everybody has a price every single person listening has a price none of y'all are better than me you don't even know how much i'd sit on a dick for yeah but at the

end of the day if you've done it for free what's you can do it for money what's some currency being exchanged between lovers yeah well my whole thing is it's not it's not that i wouldn't do it for money it's just i don't think somebody's gonna ask me anymore because they're just like yo you've been through too much you're too jaded you're gonna get on there and you're gonna be smoking a cigarette you're like so tell me when it's over are you done my next shift is at two i'm gonna be drinking a cup of coffee coffee you'll put the uh cigarette ash in his belly yeah yeah yeah yeah you'll be like all right well you done yeah i asked the dude once during sex if he was uh if he could hurry up

i was like i got stuff to do really yeah he was like what i was like all right can you can you hurry up recently no this was back in my uh this is back in my reckless youth days so a couple years ago oh my god yeah i never was able to talk to somebody like that during sex because i just feel like that's such a vulnerable moment and i feel like that is the time to just lie to just be a little bit more gentler and no nicer okay see i'm the flip of that if you're inside me or you would like to stay inside me i should be allowed to say whatever the hell i want if i'm not comfortable talking to you you shouldn't be penetrating sir you thinking about all the people that you weren't comfortable with but you let bang is that what is that what you're running through right now

you're like i didn't even really i wasn't even really sure what his first last middle name was Oh, since I had a Samantha moment where I had to, like, count people, and there are so many people who are missing on the list. And then, like, a month later, a name will pop up, and I'm like, oh, fuck. Damn. And then you have that one extra person. You're like, oh, yo, that didn't hit me on another. I'm in another bracket now. No, sometimes, you know what?

I'm in another range now. Fuck. I'm in a whole other text bracket now. I'm like, fuck, I don't remember that. I don't remember all the names, but I remember all of the people. oh i remember all the people i mean my body count is real low though yeah so i i remember um and then some of them you'd be like yeah but that was in mexico that don't count and then you'd be like and then that the dick was trash that time so that doesn't count that's not fair because you already

have you're under 10 people no i'm at 10 i'm probably at 11 now oh really yeah is there is there no i think because the last time i counted it was nine but that was when i had a boyfriend so i feel like i'm since i'm at a cool 11 now okay we'll make it 12 just in case i forgot one wait wait okay so we got we got la we got russian or polish or whatever and then the scottish nigga scottish and then that's two that's nine plus two is 11 sis oh i'm saying 12 just because i forgot a dude in dc or you know a man in atlanta who's jason the nigga who was missing a tooth absolutely and if i had that absolutely would not be on this if you're missing a tooth that means that body doesn't count oh my god dude that was that was funny but i definitely got my

i got my chili cheese fries from whatever situation you got going on we were uh we went it was like a year ago it was exactly a year ago we went down to dc for our friend's 30th birthday she old and uh this dude was like enamored with me and i was like well we're both hungry so he paid for me and sydney's food it was so wonderful because i think i think i was rude i was definitely i was a good mad rude i was definitely a fun wing woman was i the nicest no like i'm not gonna call you a wing woman in that situation sis because you weren't helping me get him and you weren't helping and you weren't helping him get me i was helping the situation you were helping yourself i was helping it be funny it was not a wing laughing that's not

a way you were laughing no i was laughing we were laughing that makes it easier for you to have a wing woman sis a wing woman is a person that like swoops in and like helps you seal the deal the Duke was not gonna get sealed with this man he was missing too many teeth and he looked into projects what and he had a child I was definitely a wing woman and Sydney doesn't know what a wing woman is uh if you if you are a good wingman or a wing woman or a wing person and you and you want to tweet the definition of wingman to Sydney her twitter is um just Sid BW no it's NYC but I I was there to help you have a good no sis you were there to secure the bag that was right that's the new millennial uh wing woman the person who makes sure their girl is having a good time

that's it doesn't really matter if you seal the deal i don't need that as long as you're having a good time that wasn't funny that's not but you're not a wingman you are not a wingman you are just my my shady ass friend no my partner in petty no just shading people while we were spending their money on mimosas no i'm a wing woman and i don't care no you can't take that title away from me i'm not giving it to you if i wasn't there yeah if you weren't there i still would have had my food paid for and drank for free you didn't add anything to the situation as a wing person oh wow okay well sydney if anything i'm a wingman because i hooked you up with some fries so technically i was your wingman honey we i was gonna get that anyway because then

some hood nigga came in and then paid for everybody's shit that was true he put all yeah but that doesn't still doesn't make you a wingman sis i don't know i i know now why you think you're a good wingman because you don't know what the word means no i do know what it is i just feel like you don't appreciate my presence sydney your presence did not help me in any way in that situation to get jason was like you are you guys you are so funny that's what he said yeah because that's true these are facts royce royce was laughing oh oh royce you know how sometimes you're friends with somebody terrible but you're like this is i'm nice so i'll be friends with them and then like the truth about them comes out and it gets to be too much he was one of those friends

he was he's so deluded i mean i felt like it was i felt like it just got too it was not that deep and it got bigger than what it was and i was just like we could still all been friends what's the problem i don't understand why we stopped being friends y'all had a fight he said that you didn't like him something like that no since he came to your to the birthday show and you didn't say hi to him you paid him dust and he was like i mean i always come to poor marie act like she didn't even know me and i was like well she she has lasik she can't see these new eyes don't see your old ass i mean she can't see she's just fucking you know oh that's why because our last show i he said i didn't say hello to him our last packed sold out sweaty ass show in a basement uh

in on the lorry side he came in i said hey i kept it moving and he said she didn't she didn't stop to kiss my hand or kiss me on both sides of my face that's what happened whatever that person is dead to me honestly i have not seen them on the comedy scene since i hadn't seen them on the comedy scene before that too either so oh my god honestly and truly did we not better your life wow because we booked you at least one time you're fucking savage i can't savage that's the word in french yeah i'm i appreciate your your honesty marie thank you so much so we know that i'm 11 maybe 12 bodies can we talk about the 12 that you remember i mean it's all bad to be honest i mean i just been thinking i've gone back on it i'm like damn

man i was such a lost individual yeah i was one of those lifetime channel movies that's like she's too young yeah i feel like that's the name of all the lifetime she's too young yeah no that was it sis it was just it was one of those things i was like damn man i had absolutely no guidance i had yeah but if somebody at that age was trying to guide you wouldn't you would just brush them off you'd have been like i don't have time to listen to your preaching no i'm gonna go get some dick i was a sponge at the time i definitely was you know people i would listen you are a sponge at the time people were using you to wipe up jizz sis no i was sponge i mean i was soaking up the information you were soaking up i just feel like nobody was giving me the tools that i needed to

lie you grew up around old black folks that were like trying to drag you to church with okay if i was to take up or soak up what they were i was supposed to be a virgin forever i mean you was gonna be a hoe church girls be the worst girls you'd have been a hoe i mean it's in your dna probably but yeah i mean i just look back and i'm like yo my 20s were so foolish but the end of my the end of my 20s i started slowing down and i'm like damn is this how it's supposed to be i feel like your shit can't come to a halt but you gotta wean yourself off the whole you gotta wean yourself off the pain yeah no the whole journey you can't just like stop abruptly um i've stopped abruptly many a times um but i just i feel like i didn't have a wild and crazy 20s

i feel like you know they say women reach their sexual peak in their 30s right like that's when we're at our horniest no that's not your truth well i wouldn't know because you know i'm not there yet but i just i feel like i feel like uh does that mean i'm a i don't know i feel like i gotta let loose and i'm not doing a good job at it at all right now but uh i feel like i gotta let loose for my 30s i'm just gonna just do everything that i want to do and not listen to anybody and ask for money for plan b bitch you don't listen to anybody anyway you do whatever the fuck you want right now i know but i didn't have a reckless i mean i would jump into cars with strangers for real and i should definitely have been murdered but i just feel like i didn't

have like a like a time in my life where i can look back like you and be like dude what was i thinking honestly it's better that way marie no i feel like it's worse no i'm telling you as a person who's been through it all uh cues the quiet storm uh from mob deep i've been through it all you hear that storm yeah that's me i've been through that shit and yeah some of it was fun but for the most part i could have done without a lot of ever been in a situation with a with a lover or a person a potential lover that you were actually scared like that you were like oh this dude might kill me or like oh i might not make it out of here tonight no if anything there was like yo this bitch is crazy she gonna run up on me and my job uh she gonna try to be friends

with my mother she too friendly she friends with all my friends she's she's plotting yeah yeah yeah yeah that's actually terrifying yeah definitely trying to be friends with my friends please i don't want you to meet my friends ever if i'm if i'm banging you casually don't you don't need to be my friends yeah i think i'm at the point i have i have people who are following me who's friends with my ex and i think it's time to block them yeah but i feel like i'm about to do well so why would i block them now so they can see the shit that i'm about to do so they get this nigga no she's winning so how about you block them now while you're struggling then when you pop unblock everybody am i struggling because on instagram it looks like life is great so i mean

on the podcast you just said you waiting for some checks this um on instagram i was like talking about them checks too so are you popping on instagram i mean listen i i'm comedy central's up next you know yes yes yes go ahead run through the imdb credit sis you know we got this popping podcast that's two weeks behind yes go ahead we got the patreon that's flourishing that's also two three maybe four weeks behind absolutely yes i'm i'm not getting married anytime give us the stats money will come eventually eventually that's the key word yeah i mean i'm looking slender gaunt coat hanger my clavicles are popping popping they look like they about to hit you in the eyes oh my god honestly the way your elbow looks right now i am scared for you right it's so skinny i'm

thin you know i'm thin i i see you got on some workout pants did you go to the gym today no i didn't go so what's happening with the gym i went to the gym last week you know i was doing great on that yeah that counts last week yeah i didn't go to the gym at all and then i was biking so like you know listen can we talk about bikes two friends uh in the last two days have gotten into accidents on bikes our friend andre hot sauce andre fell off his bike flew over the handlebars and said he's covered in bruises all over his body uh my quote unquote boss tony at the radio station he was on a bike landed on his face his whole lip is busted and he broke his his elbow and i'm like this is why you can't be hanging out with white people i mean did he have a guitar on

them because that nigga be having instruments so that could be yeah he had a whole keyboard on his back like you can't bike here's some bongos strapped to his chest either way like that's terrifying to me falling off a bike or falling on a bike or having a bike fall on top of me yeah like i ain't got no insurance if something happened to me today i would go to the doctor i would use a fake name i'd leave probably yeah i probably use a fake name because i want to go to a good hospital people keep asking me about you and i'm like i know nothing about maria i think she's a stone cold liar i think her whole her whole situation is not true her name is not marie well it's definitely marie if i was gonna use a fake name it wouldn't be no damn marie why

marie is like the blandest driest basis name that's the name to use no it's a good alias and marie nah i was walking down the street the other day like it's my name really marie how samuel and you get of all the names in the world we settled on marie yeah it's actually it's pretty it's pretty boring but it but it makes up for all the personality you have which is which is so excessive so like you know it balances this out imagine if you had like a big ass name and that hair and that personality but oh that bitch too much yeah i'm like celestial oh yeah celestial celestial let me get some of that tea no boo i'll be like oh she too much I would just call you C.

Yeah, and I'd be cool with that. Celestial. Yeah, but look at me. My name is Sydney. That's just like, you know. What that mean? Hmm. What does that mean?

My whole name together, Sydney Washington sounds interesting, but just Sydney by itself. I have a lot of Jewish people come up to me like, you know, Sydney is a Jewish name. You know, it's a Jewish name. And I was like, well, my mother was at Mount Sinai and like surrounded by Jews and just was like well let me get someone as well and gave me sydney she didn't give you any money though no that's but she also said my dad's middle name was sydney my mother made up so many stories ramona ramona ramona i don't you and ramona have a lot in common okay she's a really great story you're attracted to liars she's a great storyteller i tell you that much she's a moth she's a grand slam

with her she's a moth storyteller genius yes what's another lie that your mom told you that you like believed for like a long time or that you maybe just realized is not true like my mom is a storyteller too she my mother is a performer okay she's great when i was little my mom told me that um because my little sister had has really deep dimples and i was like oh i want dimples and i still do and my mom was like oh you know you get those when your babies are just born you just squeeze their faces really tight like this that sound like a lie and she was like and then they get dimples and i was like oh word why you ain't do that to my face and she was like you had a really fat face anyway uh i believed that for years that sounds like a lie i was in

like seventh grade and i said that somebody was like uh they were like that's not how dimples work no not at all um yeah i mean there's so many uh things that just don't add up in my family and so i'm just gonna just chalk it up to the whole shit is a lie what my mom told me that if i went to bed in a nightgown with no panties on that monsters was gonna climb into my vagina yeah rapists it's true she's not she's saying monsters you're saying rapists yeah rapists are monsters yeah i think she was talking about like spirit sis like like demons and stuff well i sleep butt ass naked now so i check my house regularly for the guillermo del toro monsters i can't just uh uh rapist hilarious actually that's not funny at all

exactly i just wanted to bring the mood all the way down again again uh speaking of bringing the mood down no bringing it up uh in san francisco i met deezus and meryl and ah wait a minute talk about let's get into this talk about a time of my life let's back up let's back it up can i start from the beginning let's talk about who they are because everybody listening is not a fan of the boys and meryl if you don't know who they are you don't know about podcasts and they are de-gods. They are de-gods. I love those dudes. Sydney stands for them. She's in their beehive.

Oh my God. So, walking downtown in San Francisco. Walking my way downtown. Walking my way downtown. So, I'm walking. It's warm in San Francisco. So, you had your side boob out. Yeah, everybody's dressed for the weather

and then I see this nigga that looks like he's from new york dressed in all black looking mad hot got those sneakers that's like those are chunky expensive they don't really go with the san fran vibe he's got to be from new york and then i look and i'm like deezus and he looks and he's like yes deezus is the black one yes and i said hey um he was by himself yeah he's by himself and i was like hey uh i'm in the i'm in the cluster fest too i know your show is today just the way you're telling it i'm like i know you sound like a fan while you're reciting the story to us right now he gave me a hug a side hug a full hug did you

feel his dick print on your thigh no i didn't feel it he gave me like a hug but not it wasn't as close as it should have been oh my god but that i was like oh this is my girlfriend but i was like your girlfriend was there you didn't even mention that you were with somebody i i mean adrian already knew i already gave her the rundown like babe i i genuinely like these guys so much why do you like them so much that you're willing to embarrass yourself in public i just i think they're hilarious i think they remind me of us so much they're so witty and they're funny and they're honest and they're not even cute sis it doesn't matter i know i i don't care about looks when it comes to like talent and things that i truly enjoy i care about looks i mean i care about

looks too you're my friend okay why do you think we're friends why do you think we're doing this soon as you lose an arm i'm gone but my little nub gonna be real cute i'm gonna have to photoshop arms in the photos that's too much work i'm gonna get tattoos all over the nub i'm gonna have to sign a nub no way it's gonna be poppy no i'm like yo here's my friend her nub you and this black man who's not attractive but you're in love with yes i was like hey i'm gonna be on the show he's like oh where what time i was like oh it's it's like right before yours so you probably won't see it but i'm gonna try to run to yours and he's like oh no cool um yeah he's like

i'm gonna try to run to yours and he was like ah he's like yeah and then he's like ah you know how far the the festival is from here i was like dude you got like a 20 minute walk he's like word i was like yeah you got some time he's doing bad he doesn't have google maps on his phone um he didn't check it before he left the hotel in that hot ass sweatsuit no he just wanted to you know explore did you introduce your girlfriend to him as your girlfriend yes okay did you say this is my girlfriend or did you say this is my girlfriend no i was like this is my room and then i pushed her to the side no threw her in front of my butt no and then later that day uh i clearly i run to the show i tell you i'm like we're going everybody's going let's go let's back up right before

cindy said that to us me and her girlfriend got nice and high oh y'all got so high but your girlfriend for the record was taking edibles all day oh yeah then smoke that was the only way she could deal with me she needed to be highly sedated that's crazy yeah oh she she as soon as she went to the dispensary she was just popping them shits in her mouth so we're there we're watching them and you guys i was so high that i was and also confused because if y'all are fans of desus and miro um i don't know what the podcast is like but they were up on stage reciting like they were like this is your boy such and such aka such and such aka such and such aka and then they would put the mic to the audience they would put the mic to the audience and the audience knew and i was like is

this a bit like y'all do this every time you get on stage they do the bit and that's why bitch we need listen we don't need no bits like that bits we need segments we need things for the followers followers what do you want us to do they want to continue to be mean and continue to be funny that's what they want what should we be called you know what you're talking about what should be called my name is marie and the noob you're the noob fuck you marie and the noob me and my noob noob um taking my noob downtown walking fast we need something for the people but anyway they're watching your high I'm watching that and I'm like what is happening everybody's looking they're like what we don't understand a thing that they're saying and I'm in a trance I was

like I understand them I get them I vibe with them these are my dudes so you sound crazy right now finish they finish they get off stage Sidney's like I'm gonna go say hi Marie let's go and I was like you don't need me I said I grabbed you I said yes you she yoked me up by the nub guys I said you're coming and I was like babe I'm about to act a fool just giving you a heads up and she's like yeah i know and so i run up on them and he looks and he's like hey and he's like i'm a smash tonight he's the way his eyes lit up he was like oh look at this groupie asshole no he's like sydney's like hi oh my god it was so embarrassing sis i said hey and then the way you looked and the way you were standing i was like oh my god she's in love with this man i was like he remembered

i was like he would definitely remember he's like hey what's up he's like yo i just wanted as you know i was mad high when i was in the street he was because he was a little weird but he was weird he's not weird because when he when i saw him after he he gave me a real hug you tell you felt the dick you felt it in your belly button sis literally little nub it was in my bladder hey gross you know there's a pill for that you got to go to garlic pills oh my god shut up okay um you felt did you feel the dick for real no i didn't oh he's he's he's a little thin he's on the thin side he's real thin he's gaunt he he needs to do arms and legs the whole body and core arm legs and core yeah he needs a he needs a trainer no anyway jesus i love you uh

and then mero mero was behind us just like oh so y'all gonna sweat this nigga i'm here too wait sydney yo sydney was looking at this dude and she's like hi she's like oh that was really great and she's like we have a podcast too and he was like oh what's it called and she said the unofficial expert and he's like what is it and he like tilted his head and she like leaned i feel like your lips touched his ears definitely that's how close y'all were and sydney was fan girling out so hard and i'm listening to the music that's playing i'm like what song is this and i sound bring his eye as fuck i sound hounded it well because when i'm high music makes me real happy so i sound hounded it and i was like oh this is the bodega boys theme y'all got y'all own themes

that's what we need since we don't need bits we don't need segments we need a theme song yeah we do that's what we need and i was like oh it's your themes and i screamed it real loud she screamed it which she completely interrupted my weird ass awkward ass me talking to them i broke the ice she did and then i was like oh hey miro i i was like oh hey and he gave me he's like oh yeah what's up and he gave me a hug but he was all like bitch you like i've been here i didn't even see you hug him i think i had walked i gave him a hug too because i was like no you were there the whole time marie i was like i need you be here it was so funny cindy was like we have a podcast together too uh me my partner marie and then she's like

this is my girlfriend uh and uh oh hey i was so rude to adrian and miro you were rude to yourself sis no i wasn't i have never in my life as a new yorker walking through the streets of new york seeing somebody that i like so much that i forgot words and fangirled in front of them i forget words just because i let them walk by and then i'll be like sis let me tell you who just walked by i'm not gonna you're not gonna see me sweating nothing nobody nathan's i don't care dude i know one day one day people people come up to us like that so i'm just passing you know yeah people come up to us like that and i'd be like sis you you excited to see us i'm like girl my hands don't even have lotion on them right now continue continue to give us all this love we need

it okay i appreciate it i don't know i appreciate it i appreciate it but i also don't understand why anybody is enamored with anybody that they don't actually really know um if you do a podcast where we talk for an hour yeah but i don't really be telling my business you'd be telling your business uh i i feel like if you really knew me you'd be like oh that's the ashy haitian girl with her nub i'm just gonna stay on this side of the street you would not come up to me if you really really it was the highlight of my trip to be honest with you i i was like oh are you going to the after party and they're like yeah sure but they were lying and then sydney waited all night at the door and they did not come to the after definitely didn't come to the after party and

when i see them niggas i'm like yo what's up you're like you could have had a good time i was gonna be like you didn't even remember i was there yeah but then i talked to somebody else who didn't go to the after party and they were just like nah you don't want to go to those after parties because it's all like industry that's not fun because then i gotta be on you gotta go to the after party where the real like we can just hang out and have a good time okay so where was that after and i was like nobody told us about that where was that after party we didn't get invited nigga which was crazy because because you literally let him put his dick on your bladder so like why would he not tell you i don't know he didn't have my number

you would give him your phone number oh absolutely since i honestly i want to collab with them i want us i want us to do something with these tomorrow and then our friend ben no i don't want to do anything with them if you don't act like this i'm not i promise i won't your eyes turn into little hearts you got the emoji heart i promise i'll get it together but i just need you to be more supportive i am being supportive i i do not support you acting like this in front of any man you're like i just want to collaborate you're like helga from hey arnold you're like you have like a wall of jesus and miro is crossed out you your face is pasted on top of miro's face it's just crazy i just i feel like it was like yo you want to just do something you and me i'd be

like bye marie i'd be like later i would say i will let you go sis you know sometimes if you if if you gotta let the horse wild horses you gotta let them go if they come back they're yours but if you call me a horse bitch yes i did if you go follow the nigga with the oats in his hand and the followers if jesus said to you let's work on something together and you were like bye marie i'd be like all right bye i would let you go sis i'd be like don't let the door hit you on your flat ass on the way out my ass is flat now it's not big is it fat is it fat wow that would be like later good to know these are good things to know i mean i mean listen this podcast will still thrive i mean maybe thrive is not the right word but it would still go on without you

i would still record here in the dark i'd be like day number 62 sydney sydney is dead to me and dead to y'all let me tell y'all what she tweeted today and i will go through your tweets and dissect them with a fine tooth comb and be like and that's why that hoe is dead to us oh my anyway don't forget to rate and subscribe i remember when sydney went to the cookout on the cookout episode she went to the halfway house we would go i would go through every single episode and talk about why you were so terrible oh my god and i believe you it'd be a great it would be good people would be like yo this is a real recap it's a recap of old episodes with the marie twist uh-huh look at your eyes you can't even open listen you know what you know

who's dead to us sydney oh man i wouldn't i would find a way listen marie i do i do my best i'd let people know i'm like when you invite me you know you're inviting marie right you know that i don't even know what you're saying i tell them i'm like listen if we if there's a boat and you invite me you better make sure there's two tickets you better make sure it's two life vests because i need two life vests also make sure there's enough uh boats i saw the titanic they didn't have enough boats mad people died they needed a side boat i need a side boat to escape it's a life raft i can't swim don't be about me to know boat that doesn't have enough life jackets to do uh listen if jesus wants to invite you out sis y'all can go i'm not even gonna third wheel it

i'm just going you know no it wouldn't be a third wheel it would be miro is married jesus i think has a girlfriend anyway if this is not a romantic thing please please please please that doesn't matter these dudes are young and they're traveling and people are reciting their raggedy ass sketches and stuff back to them they're getting big-headed they're making a little bit of money now they got name brand socks they're banging women on the side wow you're gonna say this on this podcast where they could possibly listen well Miro's not listening because you didn't show him no love Miro I love you I think you're so funny Jesus might be listening suck my dick from the back that's what he says it's so funny suck my dick

from the back I'm gonna start using that in public I was at the DMV the other day and somebody tried to cut me i should have said suck my dick from the back yes oh my this is why we should cool out with these guys so we can just scream suck my dick from the back yeah i mean if anything i need to get a catchphrase yeah that's definitely we need to work on catchphrases we need to work on a theme song let's get a theme song oh my god sydney you sound crazy no artists we know sound cloud artists who could put some yeah we know some sound cloud some sound cloud niggas who put some shit together yo the next mixtape i get that's gonna be our theme you're my man you like hip-hop yes yes i do give me give me the album it's gonna be the uh theme for the unofficial

and you know they make they make so many mixtapes they don't know they fucking work they go hear that shit they're gonna hear it on time square because you know we're gonna have a billboard and everything like that sounds familiar yeah they don't pay royalties for that i want to i want a theme song that sounds like the john cena song yeah i want that like i wanted to just be like oh my god like jada kisses on it jada kisses on that yeah well jada kiss you know he needs money so he got girl how do we do this listeners you know what we don't do we don't really ask for much but i really think that there's a lot of people listening who can actually be a part of the fam they can help us grow so if you know artists who can get some beats together if you

know a rapper who's not i don't need words i don't need i don't need rap on the theme song i need just give me the music what are you looking for right now are you looking for the bodega boy theme right now because i feel like you are wait do you have it i listen it's in my soundcloud history you want me to play it because i feel like you're gonna jizz your pants yo i love this song so much we need a theme like this it's so good we can make it happen marie i want can we just take his theme song can we just make it ours yeah let's make his theme song let's remix

it here's the here's the bodega boys theme song let me play it for you guys briefly sydney please tuck your uh cervix back into your pants i just the guys are incredible they're genius incredible is just a strong word but being the way i am with them i see how somebody can be fanning over someone and someone else be like i don't get it it's not for everybody ah this is so good you sound like such a fan oh my god how do we do it listen get high and listen to the theme song it's so good yo i was like what song is this our theme song should just be a mix of the john cena song and the bodega voice theme song

i feel like we should just blend them together and be like well this is an original track oh my god marie this is nuts because i i feel like you know we talk every day and then we get on this podcast and i'm just like how did we stretch this out to a fucking hour how do we stretch this shit out to an hour and we'd be like yo we can still keep it going too i mean it hasn't been an hour sis it sounds like you're trying to get us to wrap it up it's been 45 minutes and every time in 45 minutes i'm like yo how do we get this far dude honestly sis you could have just kept that to yourself no you know how i am i'm very on brand you broke the fourth wall and everyone listening is like oh this whole podcast is about me breaking the fourth wall

there is no wall with me you know i just say every time we go to a meeting everything we do we're like yo sydney's gonna say something real foolish i really wish i could have seen her in front of these bodega boys i was like sis you look like a justin bieber fan meeting justin bieber for the first time yo you i was like oh my god i looked over at your face and you were just like i was like you're ruining my high services i was like sir i gotta go you were definitely like you could do a lot better if you're gonna fan i mean i just i am not that type of person i don't i think that that's just how i am with everything i don't want anybody to think that i need them or that i like them more than they like me so that's how i am in relationships friendships friend sure friendships

i guess uh if you want to put that there uh that's how i am with jobs i'll be i'll be needing that job but i'm like i don't want them to think i need this job and that's why i don't have a job or a man or any friends but you know i'm happy ish i'm happy marie but sometimes people need to know that you need them what do i need sydney which you need to know that i need you you're all i need to get by. Yo, what is going on in your neighborhood today, bitch? It's just Thursday, nigga! Damn! Yo, what the hell, man?

This is like the fourth one that went by. I didn't even hear. This is the first one that I've heard. Oh, yeah, because you don't hear anything except da-da-da. Yo, we need a theme song, dude. Okay, so yeah, you need me to tell you that I need you? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Anyway, that's all the time we have for you guys today, folks. yeah actually actually you know what we had a little tiff and i think we should talk about it on the patreon so i think we could talk about it right here no no if you talk about it right here if people want to hear about our personal struggles with each other they need to pay our trials and tribulations five dollars yeah sydney and i got into it in san francisco we did it was and it spilled over until last week and then and i was like i said i don't want to do

the podcast i'm not in the mood she did i said i'm not feeling it right now she texted me that and i said whoa whoa whoa i know we were having a little issue but now you're fucking with the podcast with the podcast i said well let me go get my uber pool i'm coming over tell me when you're there buddy buddy buddy buddy tell me whoa whoa whoa yeah that's what happened last week i was like i don't i'm not i'm not feeling it and then he was like yeah i did i could feel your lip quivering in the text message you're well i i didn't have a problem letting you know i was like well i appreciate your services and i would like to continue this friendship and i was like let me put my phone on airplane mode then i threw my phone in the street and then i was like actually

i need that and i ran back and i was like thank god for this outer box oh my gosh no way i was like brie are you fucking with the podcast now i thought we agreed that we would not do that honestly sis i was like you know what i can see how people work together and they're not actually friends it was clear to me that day i was like oh i see it yeah people stay together as uh colleagues because they are making money, but they're not actually effing with each other. And I thought, I was like, well, we ain't making no money,

so there's actually no reason. Nothing holding me here. There's no anchor. There's literally no reason for me to stay. Not one bit. Except friendship. That is enough for you to stay, Marie. See?

I could already tell. Tell what? Clearly someone loves the other person more than the other person listen some people want it all but i don't want nothing at all some people want it all but i don't want nothing at all you baby actually that's i would not even have said that line yeah because i don't why are you so fucking cold-blooded marie i'm cold-blooded because um we uh my blood is actually pretty warm because you know i got caribbean blood in my veins um but i don't know i come

from a place where people are not not affectionate and i feel like in my mind like when people are emotional to me it shows a sign of weakness honestly when people are like super emotional i'd be like oh that's weak the first dude that said he loved me i was like oh that's weak i love you i was like you are literally the vice president of the fucking devil of the devil of the devil i don't work for donald trump sis my name not mike pence um i just that's just how i feel and you know if is it something that i'm gonna grow out of probably not no because that's how my family is yeah my sister's the same way she'd be like no but i could i could honestly talk to your sister easier than talking to you that's a damn lie that's you'll be talking to

everybody the same way no i was i was like should i call lou should i call lou lou will put her glasses on and not have her eyebrows and put down her dumbbells she'll wipe her eyebrows off what's wrong shit shit shit what's wrong shit what's happening shit shit and lou would be like girl you saw when i was there not even my sister already knew the story so she would have been like she would have been talking to you like she didn't know what happened but she already knew oh of course she's she would she'd have been listening to you like oh wow oh and then what oh no definitely and then marie said what wow she's your sister she would definitely know she i'm telling you she already knew yeah they knew what was happening i spoke to my mom and my sister

every day that i was in san francisco they knew they they got the blow by blow every friday they knew what happened saturday they knew what happened sunday they knew what happened you two you told to get oh my mom was like because you know my mom knew you were there and she was like what about miss washington and i was like well let me tell you about this dusty ass gaunt ass skinny ass nigga oh my god and my mom was like wow was she like i'm not making black rice for her no more my mom was like she don't eat at my house no more no my mother was like the devil is not welcome in my house is that true that would totally crush me would it i would literally it would it would be a bad new year's eve for me oh because you're still coming to dinner

on new year's i go every year dude it doesn't matter where i am i'm fucking going yeah anyway so they already knew what happened but they i guess my sister would have gotten your perspective it was just messy and i feel like yeah maybe we should take the mess to the patreon although i feel like the people listening deserve to know what happened last week do they yeah because y'all doing this shit for free you know i'm saying you gotta but they're on the train trying to get to work or they're like on the they're getting ready somebody listening to this right now is put on their brows somebody listening to this right now was douching okay marie nobody is people in 2018 people what's the thing where you uh clean your butt out with the little bulby colonic people

doing colonics no i'm talking about like when guys are preparing to do anal what's the thing that they enema they do somebody's doing an enema right now listen to this they deserve to know why what we were arguing about last week and you saying they gotta pay five dollar five dollar You don't think? Why are you looking at my foot? Your foot is pretty damn close. Wow, you're saying this as the person who puts your feet on people?

Exactly. I mean, I'm surprised by you. There's a good 15 inches between my foot and your face. Sis, I could see the whole layout of your toes. They're actually really nice. Oh, you're such a bitch. I fucking hate you.

Oh my God, I feel like that's a good place to leave it. We're going to slide to the Patreon. Yeah, if you want to hear that story, you got to come to the Patreon. You got to come to our show. We got a show June 24th. Somebody said to tell you that you're not allowed to do that accent no more. I feel like it was Star Wars. You got to come to the show on the 24th, on the 27th, on the 27th.

That's awful. We're doing a live show of the podcast at the Ludlow House in August. what's the date sydney because i have two dates it's august 15th they said that we weren't supposed to give the address and stuff out but you know it's the ludlow house go ahead and google it ludlow house bang on their door it's supposed to be a private event but bang on their door and tell them that you're a fan and you would need to come in right right it's a members only event and we can only have 39 members there but if all of y'all show up they can't turn y'all away they have to let you in and it's you know it's a free show it's free it's very classy venue is super cute it's

very nice. And if you're looking for investor, if you're looking for somebody to invest in that cooch, sis, that's the place. That's the show to come to. Okay. It's going to happen. Okay. It's going to be people with foyers and parlors and everything. It's going to be people with half baths. Okay. You got to

have money to have a half bath. Yes. It's going to be people with the whisper shut toilet lid. You know, you pour people a toilet slam, but a rich person, it closes silently. These are the niggas with more than one pantry. So people have more than one pantry? Yeah, boo. You're saying that like you know this.

You could have a pantry in the kitchen and then you could have a pantry like, you know, near the yard. That's called a shed, sis. A pantry near the yard? I think that's a garage. That's a gay rage. That's gay rage. Cindy's not used to nice things. Yo, you got to put the car in the gay rage.

Put the cure in the gay rage. So Ludlow House is like the little sister of the Soho House. If you watch Gossip Girl or Real Housewives of New York You know what the hell a Soho house is It's real cute So we're just trying to get our most ratchet peoples up in there You know what I'm saying We gotta spice it up

So hit us up Let us know if you want to come Because we can only put 30 people on the list So you gotta do your best if you want to be on our list The show starts at 8 o'clock It's gonna be an hour show It's mad quick It's gonna be really fast

We're gonna be giving out drinks We don't know who we're gonna have on the show The guests are gonna be poppin' just know that it's gonna be fire okay fuego and it's and it's worth it and we're gonna be real cute and i might even get like you know a partial cat suit too oh you're doing a cat suit well what am i gonna wear i'm probably gonna have on a cat suit um i'm gonna have a tiny romper i'm gonna have a body suit on it's gonna be a beyonce single lady performance body suit i see it you see it are you seeing the vision yeah anyway bye guys

Bye. That's such a good song. We need it. Oh, my God. Also, hook us up with the fucking theme, y'all. Do better. Some of y'all are DJs. Y'all live with your moms.

Bye.