MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "Our Friend Expert" with Alex English

Episode Date: May 25, 2018

Have you ever gotten your toes sucked? Would you forgive a man for stalking you, if he bought you a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich?? Can you really buy a house in Detroit for $12??? Alex English is Our Friend Expert because he's actually OUR FRIEND. We have a late night convo on Marie's couch & wait for the mouse to come out & say hello. What random things do you discuss with YOUR friends at midnight? Pour a shot a whiskey and pull up a chair, sis.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey. Wow, that was a real gay. Hey. Hey. Hey, gay. Hey, everybody. Clap your hands, everybody. Hey, Sydney. What's going on? Sydney, you just got off a plane. You look, that's your plane leisure. Yo, I look so ragged. No, your skin looks good. No, when I saw people on the airport and when I saw them in the airport, bitches were done. These girls, these two girls next to me had a full fucking face they had looks their edges were probably had bad skin underneath them no they didn't good skin no they looked they looked amazing and i just was like what is the purpose of looking that good on a plane when you got to get on a plane you got to be there for like three hours especially if you're like boarding group b okay you're not in first

class exactly so what is the deal i'm not flying in a full face oh and if i'm sitting next to the bathroom no thank you dude if i'm by the bathroom then i'm not even gonna put on pants okay i'm gonna take my pants off in the bathroom and come back out and lay on two seats i'm giving you some slippers i'm giving you my house shoes put on some slides some gucci flip flops how you doing you look good um thank you you went to lunch you're on a date no i have a lunch date tomorrow yes tomorrow at two yes i gotta be real careful i feel like all of these new niggas is listening it doesn't matter they should know they should know what you're doing you're making moves and if you don't take her to a nice place she got somebody else that's ready to take her on a boat

okay michelin star moves these is michelin star moves and not bloody shoes but almost right um so wait how many new people since i spoke to you last uh it's um actually i've been messaging with some black dudes i'm really excited but they're not like nobody has been like let's meet for for a beverage have they seen your instagram because they probably look at it oh she had a sequins catsuit i ain't got seeking sequins money yeah yeah and one of the black dudes like he's like six feet he has a beard i think he's like 32 33 real cute real cute lives in fort green i feel like watch him be sush's neighbor like watch him be my ex-boyfriend's next door neighbor but that's cute though you rolling out of his place hair all a mess wearing

one of his baggy shirts oh hey um anthony yo you are messy tonight today tonight tomorrow every day um so you know i've just you know i haven't met up with them but it's black dudes in the mix good that's what i'd like to hear i want this summer to be brown and bronze oh bronze sis yes bronze i want you to do some bronze it's black panther uh summer yes do it thank you wakanda forever please for me i just did it i just did the wakanda move but i feel like if you get a black dude he gonna see me like yo your mouthpiece gotta go like i feel like a white dude would love me a black dude like yo your friend no she always around dude no because the white dude didn't really like you that it was so bad so the white guy didn't like no no no he don't count he the

x factor uh it could all be so simple could it be it could be i think it was quite simple he dropped the ball he played for the knicks yeah he dropped it tripped over it broke his face uh and now his face is dead to me um no that's not true uh but uh i mean yes it is yes um so i didn't even drink anything you're on fire tonight this is the latest we've ever recorded the podcast i love it we have a guest in the house i mean we're gonna talk about what we were experts in should we just jump into this because i feel like it's too late in the night no it's not well this episode we still got we still got bonuses to record with the patreon is looking real dry okay i was an expert in booked and busy and blessed and blessed

i've been booking things finally let's talk let's run down the list you booked where you just come from i just came from chicago yeah you were shooting things shooting for a laugh track laugh mob this is a show on true tv true tv for the niggas who got cable um or sling or whatever or bios whatever you stream in um yes i'll be on that later this year and then i booked comedy central's cluster fest you hear that comedy central what cluster fest we don't know what cluster fest is but when i think of clusters i think of honey bunches of oats and we know comedy central be listening to us so hey y'all hey sam and team what's going on guys um so yeah i booked that and then uh you know i'm still poor but whatever okay okay so you waiting you got to

submit the invoice or you already got the money and you're still poor the money already came in and it's gone dude i'm in so much debt it's sad honestly i don't even talk about it i don't even think about it right you feel like like the student loans they're gonna get paid when they get paid oh dude that's the debt it's like fake debt you fake news fake news so your clusterfest is in san francisco and you're coming and i'm coming because i'm like i'm gonna write the take it off on my taxes for next year you're so rude thank you so much oh yes that's the business expense for work oh my god you were there as my manager yes my client and i need to be upgraded to better rooms okay thank you i'm staying with a friend's friend so i don't even know who i'm

gonna be talking to so that's in san francisco the weekend of june 1st yes um so if we have san francisco people please come look for us oh i'm so freaking lonely it's gonna be cute it's gonna be real cute uh we're gonna eat some burritos that y'all can pay for if you're on the west coast oh yeah i don't have no expense for food so there's no budget so just please be out there ready when you say there's no budget it makes it seem like you got endless supplies of money oh you should say the budget is zero oh the budget is zero zero dollars and zero cents zero zero zeros um yeah okay well i'm glad that you've been traveling i'm glad you got back i haven't seen you in i want to like a day because we facetimed we did yeah i did see you somebody was like is is marie your best

friend and i was like that's a dumb ass question i don't know we are adults we don't we don't have best friends i don't know i feel like she has a special place in my heart and that's it who asked you that dumb question it was a guy he's like i see you with i see you with this girl on your page is she your best friend i'm like best friend i'm too old like you said i'm too old i'm 33 i can't believe you just said your age on the podcast we're gonna have to bleep that out flip it in reverse actually if you flip 33 it's still 33 wow you're that's my best friend that's my best friend that's my best friend so witty um were you an expert in anything i was an expert at dodging a mouse for a week still in his place no so i

haven't seen it they uh they the they came yesterday to like board up under the sink there was a big ass hole like the size of a shoe box where they were just they them they weren't even squeezing through a hole you know they say a mouse can squeeze through a space that's like the size of a dime they were walking in with their foot their feet like on their feet with a hat on yeah that mouse had lugs on the durag tail was just blowing in the breeze when the mouse came in it was like when i'm outside of the club you think i'm a punk i ain't never scared yo last week sydney's here and the mouse literally walked to the fridge picked up an arizona iced tea and then went back like picked up a beverage and then went back to his house

that mouse had good year tires on it the mouse was like uh y'all watching the game yeah it's like you want me the cabs winning king james the mouse was excited yo we'll never get over this mouse situation listen so i haven't seen it in two days and the guest trying to act all funny style like you ain't never had a mouse in your house i've never had maybe you're from the dark detroit like you ain't never had a couple mice let's let's get into it let's get into it our guest hold on so our guest today hold on uh i was just trying to turn him up because he's his voice sounds real low yeah he's trying to get his quiet storm on uh our guest today really funny comic um he's done our show many a times funny

dude he's from detroit we were playing around with what his expertise was and i think we're gonna play around with it this episode just because uh he is our did we say friends expert or our socializing expert your friend yeah i'm the podcast's friend you're a friend of the podcast is that what they say out in these streets we don't even know what the kids are saying yeah me either because i'm almost 30 but you do socialize you socialize a lot wait hold on it's Alex English. Oh, sorry. So then he was like, fuck you.

Get into your beliefs. Yeah. First of all, Alex is in here. Let's get into the look. Alex was just at an event or something because his stylist pulled. That looks like 100% cotton, that t-shirt. This is Topshop clearance wrap. No, you had a garment bag for this.

You had a garment bag. For the t-shirt. And then the light denim button down that's open and pressed. It looked like steam is coming out of it right now. I steamed it. I have a steamer I don't use an iron I use steam

You have a white shirt on That has no stains Not one stain That's because I was very careful How? You didn't eat? Just breathe I had two napkins

One tucked in my shirt And one on my lap And one tucked in your pants So you had a fork and a knife Eating chicken wings, huh? We were eating chicken We had steak We had fish

We had a full Wait, you had all of those meats? Yeah, all of the meats What were the sides? The sides were the drinks but alex i put in your instagram dms i was like yo bring something back well unfortunately this was a place where they kept like giving you plates and taking the plates and like they were just like bringing okay so walk us through this you get there all white people too which made me feel

really good right because you got your top like i was in the kanye west uh runaway video where they were being served by white servants it was really nice they had on white gloves you had the forest whitaker butler white butlers no but they uh they were all very dainty white women it was just white women were they models but they were no not really they were they were ugly they were homely no they weren't models they were ogres no they were very very nice white staff they were ann taylor type hoes i don't know what that means hoes that wear ann taylor i feel like some of them is like a bad thing to wear um it's it's kind of like secretary rainbow it's like middle management secretary and it's very like 35 to 45 type okay like worn down purse yeah

damn i got a worn down purse am i in it's like they wear blazers and skirts together and then when they get out of work they put like they new balances on okay there's a maxi they wear they were tights with sandals no these were not those women these were like you know very hard-working servers this some of them that means they had rough hands no no no they were but one there was one lady that was like staring at us too hard while we were eating our food to like make sure i i think it was to make sure that we were pleased with it but she was like but she was staring very like sternly wait hold on like she was like she was a teacher looking at our work while we were doing a test or some shit it was she was making sure y'all wasn't

passing notes on her dry ass chicken listen let's get back so you get there what's the first thing they put in front of you um the first thing they put in front of us in terms of food the salad it was salad and uh it was like a cheese prosciutto prosciutto prosciutto yeah yeah you come from a fancy place i don't know chicago nah no she used to work i used to work at a nice place but i'm Marie used to get free food. I don't remember having prosciutto on my free ass salad, though. Yes, no, we did. Oh, wait, hold on, bitch.

How dare you? In my free salad? You would come in and be like, yo, I want a sandwich. And what did you think? Yeah, there was never no prosciutto on that sandwich, though. No, it wasn't, sis. I had the sandwich. It was like bacon.

There was bacon on it. Believe women in 2018. Thank you so much. If Marie said she didn't have prosciutto, then she didn't have prosciutto. On the sandwich that was off menu, it was bacon. It was bacon. I did also get some. Our salad had this very nicely cooked bacon in it.

It was really good. Oh, the apple wood? The thick cut. It was good. I don't know what, it tasted different than any bacon I've ever had. It was real good. I know it was, it would cost a lot of money. Yeah.

I didn't pay for any of it. Okay, so after the salad, what comes out? Salad, you got meat bars, this special like, in like this marinara sauce. Where was this place at? And like macaroni and cheese. It's this place called Sadell's on West Broadway. I'm going to go ahead and, we're going to Google it real quick. Tell that for the dates, for the dates.

Sadell's, Alex, text it to me when you get out of here. Yeah, for sure. It's a nice place, though. it sound nice is white lady serving you everybody was lovely the event was cool how was the mac and cheese mac and cheese it was nice it was actually none of the none of the food was bad i don't eat mushrooms so that was like the only thing i didn't how come you don't eat mushrooms i don't eat mushrooms i don't like it because he's better than you it's a fungus i don't just like i don't lick toes i don't eat none of us well i didn't know that i don't know

what y'all into we're into what you enjoy it could be a toe licker i don't know do you eat ass marie what are you into this these days well marie marie has dated white men so that tells me she has at least been uh propositioned with eating ass because white men no no one no one oh no no no no one has ever asked or at least the white man i have in concert no well but i feel like gay white men is they messier than straight white men yeah straight white men will murder you but a gay white man will eat your ass gay white men are messier than straight right absolutely in the bedroom and you was in miami is that where you got your ass eaten in miami i got a lot of things done in miami wow i didn't say i i didn't say i could have said my my my toes and my nails

like a manicure pedicure i heard you had a trism you had a trism what you had a trism no i did not i didn't let's get what i did find out i did what i had to find this out later uh i made out with a guy in miami um because he uh came to your show don't lie he ain't come to my show he laughed at one of your jokes i made out with him and then found out later that he was someone that follows me on twitter yeah he was so he's a fan he's a stalker no not a stalker i don't want to give him that because he knows how to kiss and it was oh so you're like when i go back to miami i'm definitely gonna i'm gonna stay with uh i'm gonna stay with kyle yeah i'll take kyle for 300 it was just like you know it was nice he was a nice gentleman he was yeah because he's trying

to wear your skin dude we did we hung out look miami is lit i don't know you were lit i was lit yeah i left my fucking debit card in the club i had to wait the whole day into the club open back up in the evening time to even go get it damn dude i was drinking a lot of course you had a Pineapple mojitos Straight whiskey the whole weekend Whiskey in Miami? It's rum Miami's a rum city

I drink what's safe for me What's safe? Whiskey is not safe for nobody Whiskey is safe for me It really is It doesn't do anything crazy to me When I'm drinking vodka And all types of other

I'm sorry Let's put a pin in that You had to be told what you did You don't even remember what you did While you were drinking whiskey You telling me whiskey don't do nothing to you No, whiskey does things to me but i don't know no no things get done to you maybe that too but what i'm saying is maybe i

i am very aware allegedly you know and i'm very aware and i'm very still on point and if anything happens i just fall asleep i've never like had like a episode from like whiskey let's knock on wood because this sounds like this sounds like a like a foreshadowing of some low order svu type stuff that's gonna happen so you're saying you never probably so you're saying you never met with morgan freeman is that what happened i'm not his stepson so you held a white man's hand in miami let's wait did you just put words in my mouth because i feel like you said you held his hand i wasn't a white man it was a black man you did hold his hand who the man in miami he wasn't white though what was he okay he was black but you know

in our minds i think all of the listeners also saw that it was a white man i mean that would have been great if he was white then i wouldn't have had to pay for anything and we're back hold on i want people to stop with this that white men pay for everything that's not true they pay for me the white man in miami do look i was walking around in miami and literally every black woman that i saw with a white man she was significantly younger than he was oh that's how they do it and I was like, but I couldn't help it every single time I walked past. Or, send your bag. You just standing around with a blunt.

You did it. You're an inspiration. Or wait, they looked younger, but that's because guys like that age terribly. Sure. No, this shit looked like some straight up. This shit, I saw two occasions of this shit when I was walking around Miami. And it was like significantly young looking black woman. Like he was in his 80s and she was in her 20s.

He was attached to a respirator. He had the walker with the tennis balls. I mean, he might as well have been. I said, ooh, kill him. Ooh, kill him. Yeah, so I was like, you know what, sis? I ain't mad. Get your come up.

I mean, what is there to be upset about? When I say it, and I'm saying this as somebody who says it regularly, I would rather take a white dude's money than a black dude's money. I mean, Meghan Markle did it. Oh, couldn't people stop about this stupid ass wedding? I'm not impressed. Well, yeah, I don't agree. I'm not impressed either.

I don't care about it. Because she didn't do anything, really. She didn't accomplish anything. She just got to like it. She sat on that gingery penis. She sat on that ginger dick and got that ring. She's an expert at, you know... Securing the bag.

Securing the bag. Securing the royal bag. The royal bag. The royal bag. Well, the only thing about Megan, the royal wedding that I'm happy about is the mom. Like, I'm happy that her black-ass mom with the dreads and the nose ring is... Ain't got to work no more. Well, I mean, she's probably still going to work at her yoga studio or whatever.

Do you know what she does for a living, though? What does she do? She does, like... She's, like, a director or a leader of, like, a yoga studio. Yo, she's a black woman that does some really white shit. Yeah, I'm down with it. Yeah, yeah. Did you guys saw Big Little Lies?

Zoe Kravitz's character? That's what she is. That's her mom. I'm here for that. The yoga lady, she be like, we're going to do the vinyasa. But I'm just saying, nobody, I don't want to be into that family. I don't care about that type of royalty. I mean, what you mean?

They don't have any power. They don't. They just live off the taxes of the people who live in the UK. That's it. Do they have a castle? Yeah, they do. It's a palace, dude. It's called Buckingham Palace.

Buckingham Palace. Oh, yeah, that's right. The dudes with the Marge Simpsons hats. They have a palace, but their hairlines don't look like they live in. Oh, they don't give a fuck about their hairlines. They're wealthy. They're aristocrats. Yeah.

Aristocrats? Who gives a fuck about... You don't need a hairline when you're that. Who gives a fuck about a wig when you got a stack? Or two. Is that what it is? They can buy some lace. If I had their money, if I had their wealth, I would be fucking bald.

Fuck this shit. Prince Charles? I would buy a new head. Off with his head. give it to me right just push his whole wig back yeah but oh that's not my shade yeah that's so funny i would have gone to the royal wedding if i got invited oprah was there serena williams was there how did y'all feel about um i didn't watch the wedding edris elba's fiance's dress they were giving her shit about oh i didn't see the dress well they were saying that it wasn't formal like

she had on a fashion nova okay well no she had on gucci it was all gucci like gucci dress gucci had like she had the g's on it she had a card it was a monogram stripe it had the stripe but it was like it had the good way she had on the big head but she had on like a cardigan over it so people were like looking at her like it was too casual for a royal or is she i don't know where she's but look at harry's situation he made a black woman no but look what he was wearing i was like they didn't look like they've tailored it or nothing What you talking about? His outfit?

Well, I mean, to be honest, her dress wasn't that impressive for you. That dress was $300,000. Sure, but it was $300,000 worth of I need a new dress. No, it was a basic white dress. I mean, I feel like with Meghan Markle, it's like, you know, congratulations, sis. But it's like, we got other things to worry about. I don't even care about when my friends get married. So why would I care about like this?

Oh, yeah. No, hold on. Let's take a step back. Idris Elba's fiancee dress look real work party. Real after work function. Let me see. What the fuck? I think it's a nice dress.

No, all I see is a cardigan, dude. She look like money. She looks, no, she looks like somebody's nana. Would you give a fuck how you look if you were fucking engaged to Idris Elba? Yeah, I would. I would care. I would care tremendously about what I look like. Idris Elba is the look. She looks like she's going to a Howard

homecoming. she she looks like she's going to an after work drinks and dinner i don't mind it look she like fuck y'all what y'all gotta say about my dress i have idris elba but first of all three hundred thousand dollars for a basic way you know what happened the person was like oh i know who wedding this is oh they're gonna just put any type of price on the shit they're like they're like so in some crystals nah okay so for the thread for this dress is gonna cost a hundred thousand dollars just for the thread they were just adding shit on there it's like there's a gold woven slave gold hairs yes and it's like what there's the dress had a thread count like a

pillow like i was watching wendy williams today and she said the dress was three hundred thousand dollars but you know wendy be wrong too so she'd be wrong loud and wrong she'd be wrong loud and wrong loud and incorrect y'all every time i watch that shit she be having to be corrected by either the audience or her producers be like no no no that's not what that was you're on national fucking television yeah i would love how i'm saying wrong shit on tv i love how wrong she is but she's the messy auntie that you're like yo you can't take her word for it but when it come out you're like yo that shit sound right she'll be talking about somebody and she'd be like well you know arbrio day is 47 years old people be like what she's like 41 she's like no it'd be

like 32 and she's like oh well let's not give arbrio day too much i mean hold on she looks 47 know the other day she was talking about beyonce and solange she was like well you know because solange is beyonce's big sister yeah and the audience was like the whole audience was like sis sis what you're not gonna do is what you're not gonna do is touch her what you're not gonna do is touch her hair or tell her that she's older than beyonce well i mean solange gives you that older sister vibe the way she ran up on the way she ran up on jay-z that was some big sister shit No, that's some little sister shit. Yeah, I feel like it's little sister stuff.

My mother's little sister would do some shit like that. My mother would not. That's 100% my sister, too. But also, your little sister, your mother's little sister is from Detroit. My little sister would do some stuff like that, too. That's why I go back to Detroit. But, I mean, they're from Houston. Houston ain't fucking, I don't know what you think Houston is, but.

You missed that Negro with that Creole. Have you heard Beyonce speak? Have you heard Tamar speak? Yeah, and I'm always like, mute it. No, Beyonce doesn't sound good when she talks, so she just sounds.

No, they from the hood. Did y'all see the next Beyonce that's coming out? Oh, Normandy? Yeah. I saw that little dance. I'm into her. I like her.

Tell me what you want. I'm ready. I didn't listen to a shit Fifth Harmony has ever had to say, ever. You didn't listen to You Ain't Gotta Go To Work? I don't know anything about that.

You know that song. It's on your gym playlist. I don't know. Who said I go to the gym? I'm really, I was here for the performance. i was like yeah i was like ciara you could learn a thing or two well see i don't agree i think she has a little bit more to offer than sierra that's what because she has the voice

because she's a god-fearing married woman wow wow wow how dare you she was talking about my goodies just not too long ago that was a cool 12 years ago how old was i i was like 15 years ago she's well i mean she's a god-fearing that was like last year for me guys she's a married married woman married she's delivered she's delivered from that from the cookie with her two babies and her two baby her two children her troops yes well so let norm so so let normani let normani oh i said normandy you did normani sounds like a dress let normani normani sounds like fake armani y'all listen i am an early stand so i'm not gonna let y'all sit wait hold on i'm gonna be an early let's let's take a step back like the fucking thing let's take a step back

i'm on armani sis what are you wearing is that armani privet no this is a normani she might come out with dresses beyonce came out with a fashion line that nobody wore no one and exactly how to do it all wrong yeah yeah we remember that how to do it all wrong exactly y'all are how to do it around me no sydney you don't you don't know i think she's gonna be a very very successful solo artist i think she's very i've been watching her interview she's a very well-spoken young lady okay oh okay let's get into this okay so you know you your fingers on the pulse you know what the next no i just are you anr now nigga yes you're not gonna make you're gonna make less money

record companies don't make record business how old are you alex i'm from motown okay that's where it started very gordy i'm very gordy i'm in the record business so alex let's talk a little bit about you i mean i love everything that we're doing right now this is probably the most fun i've ever had at midnight in a mouse house um so you're a mouse club you're a mickey mouse club yeah m-i-c-k-e-y you know what that's true what they say about about rodents though about mice is that that can fit in anything so like they don't have bones so yeah your little boards yeah well my my mouse doesn't have bones but he got balls because he just be out here when And I have, when are we doing self-tapes?

He's like, all right, well, let me do the line, too. Let me get a line in. He'd be like, uh-uh, tape. Maria, I have notes. He's like, well, my manager said I need to get this on tape by 2. So can we roll it? Can we speed this up? The mouse would be like, slate.

The packet said. The packet said it was due on Thursday. The mouse was like, slate it, slate it. You forgot to slate. Might want to try another angle, sis. He's like, well, do it more, but, like, less you. He's a casting director now. you just got notes he's a pageant mom he's a pageant mouse so you're from detroit i'm from

tell us something about detroit that people usually get wrong i think what people hear wrong is that there are a bunch of abandoned and burned down houses that's what we heard but there's not nearly as many as people think so instead of 15 it's not it's 14 blocks but what i don't like is the fact that they post the same like five pictures on the internet of the same i'm gonna just look i'm just gonna google detroit and see what comes we're just gonna see they have stock photos of abandoned buildings because what people see is a very detroit is very very big you've been there before yes nigga and it's mad about no there are certain communities like the ones that i was which ones

no no it's not gentrified some of these places are black neighborhoods okay where people live and that there aren't there isn't that there is of course that happened no no no but you're right detroit when i first got there i was like niggas got addicts they had addicts yes like like the ones that are burned down are the ones that are abandoned are the ones that went in foreclosure because of the fucking economy that just happened that we just went through okay i hear what you're saying i see you i see what you're saying governor of detroit but i just googled detroit house and the first six houses right of the first six four of them I did not say there weren't

I did not say there weren't any I never said there weren't Any abandoned houses I was raised in a house that is abandoned to this day It looks crazy where it is now However People need to know People don't know how

People who have never been to Detroit don't know how Big Detroit is I've seen it Those are also old photos Some of those photos are extremely old Detroit is in development you know what i mean it's in development so it's like certain certain places where the houses are developed people have bought that property in our for 12 dollars yeah it's true people buy

property very very cheap but it's like it's really exaggerated i think because there are way there are way more neighborhoods with homes on the on on the on the ground then there are there aren't well what happened to detroit right so it was you know motown and then Motor City, right? And then what happened? Somebody ate mile and then... We had a corrupt mayor from number one. What was his name? Kwame Kilpatrick.

Kwame Kilpatrick. Was he doing crack? You can't trust somebody named that. Who knows what he was doing? No, he was actually... He was mayor when I was in elementary school or whatever. He was supposed to be... Alex, how old are you? Well, Kwame was from the 90s, yes? I mean, late 90s, early 2000s,

but I'm not that damn old. I'm just... Sidney, just because you said your age on the podcast. Okay, right. Well, I'm a man. I don't have anything to lose when you're telling my age. Chadwick Boseman is 40. Chadwick Boseman is 40, so whatever. I'm going to have a career.

Oh, you think you're the next Black Panther? Not true. Not true. Lies. This is our confident expert. Our delusional expert. You don't know how true that is. Okay, so Kwame Kilpatrick.

First of all, you can't elect somebody named Kwame. Well, here's the thing. Kwame Kilpatrick went to one of the top three high schools in Detroit. Kwame, that's a K or a Q? K. You know it's a K or a K. He went to one. He was a very, very intelligent person.

He went to one of the top high schools, one of the magnet high schools, alongside one of the ones that I went to in Detroit. Okay. He went to University of Michigan. He played football. He was being, his mother was a part of Congress. Mm-hmm. So it's-

The Kilpatricks. Okay. So it's one of those things. I don't, wait, I might be mistaken when I say Congress. I feel like you are. But no, she did. It don't matter. She did have a place in politics, and she was a very well-known person in that field.

Right. So he was being- He had something to prove. That, and then he was being touted to be like the uprising of Detroit. He was going to bring Detroit- He was being groomed. And he was being groomed, and like the poster boy. He was like, okay, this is Detroit.

This is home, born and bred. So what happened? But, you know, he had the wrong people around him when he was mayor. Ah, you can't be having- It's always your friends. Your old dick is what you do. You got to cut them out. I mean, he has a family, so he has two sons and a wife.

and so he there was one night that when it was he got he eventually got removed from office because clearly he had it there was an evening at the mansion he was like yo we're gonna have one drink one drink we celebrate one kawase there were strippers involved of course at the mansion with his house one of the strippers were murdered what came up alex are you the kwame there were other like financial scandals and money let's talk about the murder took a lot of money out of the state of michigan out of out of detroit but on a state level there were also state issues in the state of michigan where i mean he got he's in jail right now as we speak wait hold on hold on who killed the stripper yes i this is a murder mystery i

don't know those details but if you look it up i i i came out of like the most recent story out of that was the fact that he got sentenced to a very very very very for the murder he had a very long sentenced that's the thing he wasn't sentenced for the murder because he wasn't charged for that he was charged for like i think embezzlement well that makes sense oh my god kwame malik kilpatrick first of all he has on a fedora that's a white brim with a black what i met you know i mean he was an adult to me when i was a kid so you know i'm like this was someone that he looked guilty in this why would you bring this but he was just a part he was just that whole thing was just a part of the downward he's so he's so big it wasn't the whole it's not the whole thing but

it's enough for you to be like what was the stripper doing it definitely didn't help it definitely didn't help detroit's situation it didn't help i mean it seemed like a detroit situation detroit was also the state of michigan has never been very very good at money care of the state so michigan is like terrible governor i mean aka flint michigan do i need i need i say more yeah your water your water still let me hold on let me take a sip so it's you know it's very very difficult to um let me see a picture of him call me i just put water on my phone but it's clean water though i don't know how national this story ever went when it came he got it looks like he got he got charged with 24 different counts of something yeah there

was a lot going on during his administration and then bobby ferguson uh guilty on nine charges and then bernard killed patrick yeah his brother his brother one count i thought that was his dad maybe He sees his family in there. There was a whole bunch of shit going on around that time. Oh, absolutely. And the result of a lot of like... You could tell by that hairline he guilty. Look at his hat.

Because you know like the big five are there, all of the motor companies. Yeah, Ford and Chrysler and all that. It's like when those jobs went away, a lot of people lost their retirement. A lot of people lost their jobs. And also in conjuncture with all of that came like the loss of like small businesses. people couldn't afford to well why did those why did the why did all the car manufacturers leave where are they now oh they're in like china and stuff i mean a lot of a lot of the jobs went away because a lot of the jobs are becoming more you know uh mechanic like mechanic based

they're like people they're replacing people basically with machines machines we don't need them oh but that's just one part of it i don't know i i you would have to look up more of like what actually happened to it because when this happened i was particularly young so i didn't even really know until i became an adult how much of an effect how the state handled funds and how they lost their jobs and like people foreclosing on their houses i learned all about all of that stuff like later on in life when i became an adult just trying to you know understanding why the fuck detroit was so bad for a whole like wait let's go snowball effect it was just part of it part of this can we talk about this help because detroit was one of them city like you

know we were a part of like the riots back in the day yeah the Detroit riots y'all were the riots yeah exactly but we were just another we were we were one major black city a part of it we also had Chicago all these people you know places like that so they um Detroit has always been like quote-unquote supposedly on the come up it's always been like that people say it now I mean the fact that you could buy a house for $20,000 I mean it should be in one particular part of detroit that's what i mean when i say detroit is huge it's not just one people are going flocking to like downtown near wayne state like we're like where that area is where dan gilbert is purchasing everything you know what i mean like that's where people are flocking wait

but there are so many other places where they're not buying a lot of uptown i mean essentially essentially yeah i mean a month once you get into a mile it's kind of like that's the border between detroit and like oak park and like the suburbs southfield or whatever but even oak park south for those places are like you know people from detroit just kind of bleed over into there and so now like certain outside what used to be suburban areas are no longer because it's just like oh black people people of color a whole bunch of people live it ain't just black people people live in these people are intermingling but what's happening is that the white people who lived in those communities are now just coming to detroit and it's raising the property value and

so now it's a really interesting form of plus again a lot of really cute cupcake shops are we artisanal mayonnaise i mean every time i go home it looks different every time i go home i can't barely recognize it but i mean it's a good thing because they i mean it looks better than what it was i went there and the verner still tastes the same what's the verner it's the best the best damn drink you'll ever have in your life what is it it's like a ginger ale it's very root situation it's a root it's a like a root beer yeah it's gross it's delicious wait don't know that you drink burners when you're sick mainly so that's how it's fixed no no not really but like whenever i had a sore throat or a fever my mom would just give me burners and i

would lay down i was like that was a detroit it's disgusting it sounds like it's delicious sounds like your mama don't love you it tastes like a single parent home that's what it tastes like but he has both his parents do you have i mean i didn't have two until 16 i mean you don't really need to i got two i mean i needed it when i was five too he was playing catch by himself sis that's okay do you have siblings strong arms you got strong arms i have a half brother but my my mother's only child good for you and she loves it when whenever you post a picture i'm like first of all you're gonna look young as hell she loves you she looks great whenever she smiles it looks real it looks like a genuine smile no i love my mom i love her she taught me everything i know

even as a crack fee mama it always was a black queen mama she was more of a biggie fan my mother what was the biggie mom song uh i love it when you call me big papa no the mom song the song that he did he ever saw for his mom that was my mom's song yeah what about the soulful one mama you know but that's the wedding song yeah you dance with your mom today i used to dance with my mom um in the living room we lived in our two bedroom apartment and she used to put on prince she used to put on michael jackson and then she would put on the boys to me and christmas album oh your mom wanted you to be gay she would dance together wait i'm gay because i used to

dance on my mom no because you was dancing those songs with your mom prince dance with my father she was giving me a nice musical palette fuck y'all what are you listening to currently huh what are you listening to currently i listen to everybody that sounds like yeah so selena gomez uh no not her okay uh let's see i love what's on the spotify i like scissor i knew you were gonna say that you look like a scissor she can't sing live poor thing poor thing she said she said she was sick i had to come to the conclusion the conclusion are you sure she said she was sick sick at coachella or wherever she her voice was like or maybe she was partying i i feel you know what it's fine because you know what i feel her because sometimes you

be on stage and she i'm just doing what i gotta do to be on stage i'm just trying there already the check already the check was already cashed so i said what i said well first of all it was like i like her since it was like look at all these dusty people in flip-flops i'm not gonna you uh use my voice with them i don't think it's that direction i'll send me she just can't yeah i mean you know what it is for me i get into her as a whole and not just because of like whatever her singing abilities are because i do think she makes one she made one hell of a fucking album it was a great album like i listened to that album that's studio voice then that's a studio a lot of singers most singers now have a studio voice it does auto tune you know what i mean like

what she's doing in the booth sounds like her man is my man whatever whatever things are happening you know i mean she's singing and she was singing is her live voice is her live voice weaker than rihanna's live voice where are we putting that because rihanna is another one but you're not listening to rihanna for her you know what's funny though i mean no are you not watching her because she can't dance either okay but neither but neither can sizzle no but you're there for the experience so here's why i get into sizzle because i feel like she in a lot of ways she and i when i i've watched her interviews and i listen to her speak and the shit she sings about i can You sharing a nigga, too?

You're a side hoe? I've just dealt with some pretty trifling people. You're a side hoe, Alex. You're the trifling hoe, too. No, no, no. I mean, we all have been trifling. I have never. Hold on.

Hold on. Sit down. We can pull up some tapes. I have never. We can pull up receipts of you talking about messiness on this podcast. First of all, I don't know what guests y'all didn't have here before, but we go back. I know y'all. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I have never done that. We go back to open mic days. if i did back in my vaults far back enough there was at least one moment in the disney vault you was you was messy yes but i was never a side piece no okay well say that okay outside of the side piece thing because that's one part of it but that's still very human you know and a lot of people don't admit to being the side person and being okay i always hate when it's a side nigga talking about everybody's doing it it's you no dude it's you doing it he's married what people forget and she says it all the time when she talks about the stuff she makes is that

she was a side piece but didn't know she knew oh i didn't know that she i've never seen any of her interviews she said this continuously she's always been like i was in something and this guy was like out of nowhere like oh yeah i'm in i'm in something i'm married he was like oh i'm married but she's being honest you know i mean that's what i can appreciate about somebody versus other artists who just kind of sit there and look at you like no i've done everything right no she just oh it sounds like some beyonce shade well you know right and i'm not i'm not talking about her but i'm just like anybody i mean it's not even just other artists it could be anybody people aren't real about how they well tell us about your messy tripping situation no no no we want to hear

she she made a very good case for herself saying you know what i just wanted what i wanted and which was dick yeah which was another woman's dick can we agree sometimes that's all niggas are worth sometimes you know but you can get a dick that doesn't that's not attached you can get a dick that ain't got no ring on it yeah especially when he tells you after the fact then what are you supposed to do you should already snoop through his instagram i i i don't i don't have time for those things sometimes you just got to get what you want and then leave but but in me saying that that's my the reason why i'm able to defend that so much because i can relate to which i mean there there are people out there that so have you ever been have you ever

been cheated on yes which is why i you know which is why i can like kind of go about this from a direction of like it means that's not the right way to do it that's not the right way to do it yeah i guess you've been cheated on so you you're cool with like cheating yeah i don't care hurt people hurt people that's true hurt people hurt people stop kidding me with them instagram fucking inspiration. No, no, no. That's Oprah. That's Oprah Winfrey. Her people, her people. I like her style. And I like that she's, you know, kind of

messy and all over the place, scatterbrained. I can relate to that. So she's someone I like. I like Tyler, the creator. He's messy, too. You do look like a messy artist. I like Frank Ocean. I love Frank Ocean. I love Frank. Frank's messy because he has not released a new album for us in too long. He gave you blood.

He did. It was short. It was abbreviated. Let him fuck his Puerto Rican boyfriend Oh he's Puerto Rican For a few months He got a boyfriend I don't know if he's Puerto Rican I said work that eyeliner See I love him

I'm really mad I'm really mad he got a boyfriend He's in touch He in touch bae I'm really fucking mad He got a boyfriend Cause that's supposed to be me He's sensual bae

You got time Your career's on the ascension I don't see you with a Frank Ocean though I also don't see you with a Frank Ocean I don't know I see you with a DL nigga A dude that's gay But he's actually

I don't need any more than that in my life actually A dude that got lugs on I don't need if i if you see me with a motherfucker that has lugs on let's know that there has been some cocaine doing in my life i'ma i'ma beat you with a lug i'ma throw a brick at you and let's see what a dude in love first of all i do see that sydney i do see you with somebody that's like like a like a closeted like a closeted black man i gotta get away from that so your past was also being cheated on and being a side hoe but you still trying to dabble in that no i'm not i didn't

say i was just trying to look at you putting wires in my mouth again hold on alex white words marie remember that that black choreographer for like n-sync his name was daryl or no vaguely says like vaguely he'd be like five six seven eight yeah yo bye bye bye yes i'm gonna look it up who's this queen i don't know he looks like that's who you would be with oh really yeah no i see you with like somebody like like a corporate a corporate man like a corporate dl man never any fucking fun of course they're not fun but they pay for stuff yeah but it's like i mean i'm kind of at a point where i'm just like i don't even care about that like yeah because you got money now you got that 401k you know like you can have fun what is your type what are you what type of person because we

have a lot of somebody else's man my man is your man i don't want somebody else's man so what physically what is your type we know that you like sisa if you were straight you'd bang sisa and if you were rich bang frank ocean if you were puerto rican i don't think he liked black man i don't know i mean you don't like he liked one of my tweets back in the day when he had twitter he liked that and i was like oh that means that means he's gonna make out with you in miami and then he didn't it was somebody else um my type is darren henson let me see if y'all are right and y'all assess me of who i would date he just looks like blair underwood who i hate doesn't well i mean that's a lot of airbrush that's a lot of face too that's a headshot

that's a lot of face too mz but oh well well let me see oh that pose is trash for the for the for the listeners yo this is the myspace for the listeners she's showing me some fucking that's darren henson like tyrese if he weren't insane he's giving a sweet lady would you be my bald head i mean he looks nice yeah he looks he looks older which is you know kind of like that's your type yeah older i should stop though i need to stop why why older people are like they're more like settled and comfortable and established and honest it's just i need a penis to stay harder longer than five minutes oh yeah okay yeah when you go up they come down when you go up in age the dicks come down yeah yeah and i recognize that that will soon be my

future in like 10 years no no no you got a little bit of time how old i'm going to be 30 this year what you're doing for your 30th birthday i don't know should i do something yeah you should let's get together let's just i do should i hold something when is your birthday you should hold it 16 i should be december 16th like have a party i i should do something i don't i don't like doing parties though because i'm scared that people won't come i'm always scared that people won't come to my parties i never worry everybody comes here but i'm always afraid everybody showed up for your party but i'm always afraid yeah me too like even when i did my half hour last year when i did my little taping at that bar i was like ain't nobody coming to this shit yeah alex

you haven't come to any of my things well i haven't been available up until now he had a job sis what people don't realize how fucking taxing that job was writing is hard you gotta be in a a damn lie i see you everywhere 12 hours well when i could be somewhere but that was the only free time i had you was at soho house who was you at soho house with oh yeah i already know i already know i'm 12 it's true you be everywhere i really don't be everywhere yes so how do you find out about the events that you do go to you have a do you have a manager what you mean like do you have like a rep that is telling you like about what about what event he's friends with joy else she know everything yeah yeah but i mean like she'll invite me to something with her and i'll invite

her to something that i got invited to like but who's inviting you to the stuff that you go to because sydney and i want to get on these yeah how come we haven't invited i want some white women to serve me i don't i don't get invited to things that's a fucking lie alex like what is the last thing you saw today that i got invited to what's the last thing i saw you in front of like a flower wall um you had a i want to say you had a blazer on and maybe the same top shop t-shirt um probably uh because i wear a lot of the same stuff like twice uh you know they say you wear 20 of your wardrobe 80 of the time yeah exactly you know and that's how you keep your money well yeah yes that's the answer right i shop in consignment shops that's how i keep my

me too and then when i buy full retail i will tippy toe right into buffalo listen and then when i pay for retail i return the outfit after i wear it that's how i keep my money i haven't even paid full price in so long i don't even know what a full price tag looks like i only pay full price for pants for jeans because your butt's so big oh i just feel like jeans should be the the most if you're going to be expensive on anything it should be pants because pants you should be able to wear more than just what kind of pants are these that you got on right now these are just regular top shop jeans so that you paid 120 i could tell by the wash 70 it's a cute it is a cute watch i like the fray at the bottom thank you yeah i like they they have mastered out of

all the jeans that i have tried to purchase in other places this is the one jean that hugs my body and all of the right you got on a baggy skinny jeans sis sis you said hugs your body hugs his body i'm being hugged it's a loose church lady i see i see your knees coming out but i don't see a hug and i miss my fatherhood to dance with my father again but i but no i don't that advantage i saw with the flowers and everything that was a particular person in my life that invited me there okay and that is that person no longer in your life is that what we that's not the case but that was just okay and how was that other party at a soho something what are you talking about so sydney really want to get into this soho story what's the what house

i don't know i don't even remember the last time i was there so you if you want to say you gotta pull out a receipt here's the thing it's not like i'm a member there you know what i mean okay let's just go to your instagram see where you've been because you because you put the geo tag on there and everything yeah yeah yeah we let everybody like roy's roy wood jr's uh you're talking about something where you was eating and you had on a blazer he had me on a show there he had your show yeah he has a show that he does there that i do for the members there so i go for the members there because yes the whole house is a membership thing that shit is expensive i ain't gonna i know it's expensive this is all really yeah we about to have a show at lolo house oh you are

y'all coming up no we not okay so this is the picture that i was talking about with the with the flower wall okay and somebody in a salmon suit that's cute it looks so good now how that's fun you're always stunting on the gram am i really yes you are every time what is defined stunting stunting is where you're at a place that's obviously pop first of all stunting is a habit you always make sure that the filter be proper okay you always have the right placement it's not a filter on there sometimes i just do the i know what you look like in real life here you are here's a picture of you with a celebrity a celebrity in los angeles it's a picture of me and alex and alex and i bumped into each other the shade i posted the

picture and she did not um you already shaved of my face you already posted the picture also i'll post it for your pick your birthday and marie doesn't post pictures of anybody that's her thing honestly let's let's check my receipts shade let me let me screen the pictures of other people it just makes it easier when you don't post pictures of people then nobody gets upset who would get upset because it's just too many people that we know that we gotta like literally the only person that i've posted a picture of in the last 12 photos is me and sydney yeah and then and then again me and sydney and it sounds like sydney just has a rule that you don't post anyone but you and her no i've never said his only rule is that i don't follow none of her rules

i could totally see sydney also shit like i'm not looking who you posted on this first of all i would probably posted one picture in the past and she sent you that hot text like she sent me the eyes looking sideways who it is i would never a new friend who is your sister i'm like marie do what you need no i posted a picture of me and jess woo that was the only other person who's not related to me or not she said nothing the picture got 917 likes i said she's she's nice so who is the girl i agreed with it yeah jess she you know she out here doing things i liked her she's popping apparently she's gonna be on the real housewives i'm no loving hip-hop miami allegedly she didn't say that to me but that's what the streets are saying

she didn't say that to you well you got to answer our scoop you cool oh one of the black men on hinge just said no problem marie how was your hinge only for straight people i feel like the gays can do hinge i don't i don't do any of that shit anymore why why because grinder city just got her legendary feet on me everybody put her legendary and you took your socks off the audacity no i don't do i don't you're not a guest that i really like unless i put my feet on you i don't do i don't do dating apps anymore so do you have a horror story that you can share with the people stop looking at sydney's toes because that i said horror story and he was like this is a horror right here yo this is a this is a flaw no i had i had a horror story once where

this guy tried to follow me to my heart to my house he just wanted to make sure you got on home safe yes he's on he was on his players club no you always make sure you get home safe you call the cops i had to well let's take a step back how did where did he take you for the date he didn't take me anywhere no that's why you call the cops if you want to follow me home you better take me somewhere you better at least give me your uber nigga it didn't happen that way i so when i had my one i had this one dating yet was he wearing looks okay so you had a dating app we're gonna we're gonna assume it's grinder i had the mistake no it was the black one where you get drugs and it and what's the gay app where you get drugs

it's straight up it's grinding it's weed dealers on this app yeah wait what's that one it's called grinding grinding it's jacked it's called jacked that's the black one it's niggas it's called niggas i mean it's white it's white it's white guys on there and shit like that it's not necessarily for it's not marketed to it's not for us by us it's a lot it's nice now it's not a food foodie yo that's the best app yo i'm signing up right now it's not for you are there any lesbian apps you wouldn't know it's uh it's chilled jack jill i don't know i just feel like sydney you don't know no lesbian dating apps

she's been in a committed relationship she out the game i really am out the game nobody even throws their pussy at me it's crazy that's because they don't think you're gay i know i feel like people throw their dick at you all the time they'd be like hey we should go out and get drink some time i heard you talking about that lesbian stuff but uh i'm a white man they were like yo let's go out sometime so we could talk about marie i would love to meet a woman that would walk up on me and be like i love you he's talking about sucking dick up there but let me plug your ass he will change your life let me play would you let a woman peg you no marie shut up what if sissa approached you with a strap on yes

My man is your man SZA can really do whatever she wanted to do to me You really like this SZA huh I love her Even though she can't sing It doesn't matter to me In the studio She's a performer

Everyone's a singer I don't call her a singer I call her a performer Oh I love that She's a performer Wait we want to hear about this Jacked dude Oh yeah yeah You meet this guy on Jacked

So he um So I was stupid And had my website On my uh So I was like you know If you want niggas want to catch me jacked you had your website dude you just wanted to have more hits on there that's what it was you're not dumb shut up and it also what it also does it it cuts the conversation of oh what do

you do are you comedians it cuts all that shit yeah but it's lopsided they know more about you than you know about them well my thing is it's like okay so regardless i made the mistake of doing that okay so alexenglish.com alexenglishcomedy.com i'm trying to buy that website You better Squarespace it Do what you can It's very expensive You better $12 a month

For Squarespace it It's very expensive Oh ooh Can I do that That's what it is On Squarespace I can buy it It's $12 a month

Or $100 If I buy that I can buy that domain Yeah The domain is yours Y'all don't need to put This part in

Everything stays Alexenglishcomedy.com Oh okay yeah Everything stays That's staying in So is Sidney's 33 I have my website in there And then this guy saw it

And I had had conversations with him before but we never were like making plans to do anything what do you look like here i mean he was all right i don't i didn't keep the picture i didn't do everything but it was a black man that was tall he was short it was a black guy yeah but he light skin dark skin like dark a little bit darker than me who he looked like like a celebrity who would play him in a movie martin lawrence tommy from martin cold from definitely cold it's so cold it's like a dark it would be like a darker color he was like was it martin it was was a big mama he was heavy he wasn't he wasn't fat he was just he was a big husky he was like reggie conquest he was like he

was taller than me he was taller than me larger than me okay but my thing was i don't mind people coming to shows i don't mind that happening yeah because you want them to laugh at your jokes you need a crowd that's right yeah you want niggas in the seats what i don't need is you know you introducing yourself at a show and me saying hello acknowledging you and then leaving and then i come to find that you are behind me on the train you stayed far away from the train where i was and then got off my stop with me and then followed me and then then he's sending me messages and so and so he sees you ignoring them he's like i see you got your phone in your hand well i was well i was responding and i was like oh nothing heading home nice to meet you too whatever and he

finally is like okay can i come through and i'm like no no you've never came through and then i then he's like well i'm in your neighborhood i'm like how did you end up in my neighborhood and he's i'm like he's like right behind like that and this one realized he said he said turn around so i yeah that shit was scary what did you do i called the police because i'm like he's bigger than me i'm not gonna be able so i got in my house and i stayed there yo he was diamond for and i looked outside the window and because i might wear the window my roommate's room faced the street and i could see him still standing across the street at the bodega where we lived where i lived at wait so you didn't see him on the train you didn't notice him or you

did but you'd like i didn't notice but i knew i knew he followed me because i he don't live in that neighborhood yeah i knew the people that live in that neighborhood i know that's so fucking the way he messaged me he was just like you know i'm in your neighborhood and then i see him on his phone across the street i'm like nigga you're not coming into my apartment oh that's that's gross yeah that's gross sydney how what would you do if you were in a situation that is straight man y'all don't let this just men are terrible y'all trash you don't want no stalker dick no chances are it's little if you gotta be a stalker is that what that's about if you gotta be a stalker is that what it's your dick must be trash you got micro penis moves you gotta force

people to get into you you know what i mean like oh yeah i ain't never had to follow well you know what i did follow somebody in college i definitely stalked and i'm okay i followed somebody in college but it was very light it was a light stuff it was a bad it was a diet he was a basketball player gorgeous oh you was a groupie yo i used to know exactly when he would get out of this one class every single other day because it was a monday it was a monday friday wednesday friday class did you ever go to class because you were talking him i always would leave the class when he was coming out he would leave his class early and then stay i would follow that nigga to his dorm did you graduate yeah i graduated he was taking pictures of him on his flip phone

but i was definitely because he would always go to the cafeteria afterwards so i would like no you did not graduate it you did not graduate i did graduate you were totally into that dude he moved to new york because i do live in the white woman now uh well he's a basketball player yeah so it makes sense tristan thomas yeah uh so alex i feel like we covered lots of things but i'm not an expert in it all of it we talked about yeah but this is i wanted to tell them what the original you know what it is expert expert a little bit he a little bit of everything i am a little bit he was like we were supposed to do it was supposed to be um socializing yeah and because y'all were talking to me about events and shit that i got into we did cover events and we talked

It's about Detroit. It's never every day. It was a little bit. You had a little bit of everything. Don't worry. The title's going to be real cute. I'm going to write it down for me. A renaissance.

Yeah, I'm going to be an EGOT. Are you? Okay. We all stopped. We were like, what the? That shady ass silence. We were like, well, where's the Tony go? Excuse me?

Excuse me. I can act, though, bro. You can't act. Can you sing, though? You did Ascot? You got Ascot for UCB? ass cat is that ass cat i didn't i was doing stand-up oh you did i thought ass cat was i mean it's monologist yeah monologist that's the word that you just made up no that's a real word

monologist here's our monologist expert the person who monologues you did your set it's not a monologue or monologist i thought it was just monologuers uh i tried to like weave in little things in there but they really want you to like stick to i don't know what ass cat is doing it It's a big improv show that sells out every month. And they ask one stand-up or one person, like a famous person or whatever, to say, I'm not famous. I don't know where they found me. You got your steamed Topshop blouse on. You're basically famous at my house.

This shirt came from the clearance rack, y'all. From the what? The clearance rack. Stop telling people that. Yeah, it doesn't look like it. Just say it's Topshop. I mean, I just keep it real, though. Stop it.

But maybe you should be a little. I don't want nobody to end up here thinking that I'm out here. Or you could just say somebody sent it to you. Okay? I don't get gifts like that. Stop telling people that You gotta put it into the universe Do I gotta start lying more?

Yes, listen to Marie, she lies all the time I'm telling you, and you see me out here I'm poor, but I'm thriving There's a mouse in that Mickey Mouse house That mouse just wants to be here Because you're so wealthy Me and the mouse just thriving The mouse is gonna do your taxes next year

He's gonna have on little glasses He's gonna be on the typewriter and everything You're being audited actually Actually the IRS said you owe $1,200 dollars this year. Yo, I have to pay taxes for the first time ever this year. Because you made money. You owe back. I hate. I'm about to

become a Republican. But they didn't take taxes out of your show? No. Out of my checks. They didn't take the tax out of your checks? They should have. You made all that money. And you've been going to Miami doing blow with all. Don't get it twisted.

I saved. But I'm just not happy about the money I got paid. All the cabs. All the stuff you were doing all the jordans that you guys are doing other things what that means you was hoeing on the side yeah i was getting paid for that ass he was selling booty hole and we flew you flew to la to hang out with me not anymore all right yeah was i was i selling booty in la no were you eating the booty like groceries in la like whole foods like farm to table more like trader trails okay was it was it paper or plastic

paper or plastic it was it was a styrofoam so non-recyclable biodegradable i hope i hope it wasn't recyclable that would make me sad if it was recyclable alex tell the people listening where they can catch you yeah um all your social media all of my social media is alex english and the e in english is a three it is three yes i gotta follow you i didn't even realize it was a three alex three english that's a great name but it's a three i wasn't i wasn't aware of that alex english comedy is also my website um i don't have any of my dates really updated on there because i'm raggedy also i'm changing my website my website is under construction i'm going on your website right now it's still the same as it's been but yeah you gotta work on it dude

it's changing you don't even have a website she's like yo i've been meaning to tell you about your website do as i said not as i do now i'm working on my website and um just if you follow me on instagram mainly and twitter then that's i post all of my shows all the time and it's alex alex three do i post all the time yeah i know no your twitter is popping it's good your stories are cute twitter is not popping my shit ain't popping nearly like how people's twitter is so different now than how when i was really using it it's so oh you know you're not really using it because you get paid to write now you don't have time to write for free i mean i have like my cute little seven but seven thousand

followers ain't shit to nobody now it's cute if you if you if you retweet one of my things like i get a thousand likes but i mean it's a thing like i'll be sitting there tweeting i'll be like am i talking to anybody this shit don't seem like people people see it all right you got hundreds remember the lady remember the white woman sometimes i don't remember the white woman who flew to africa and was like i hope i don't get aids and then she turned her phone off she had like 12 followers that tweet went viral and she got fired by time she landed yeah that's what you need to try to go viral but i ain't trying to offend a whole country yeah you gotta say some wild shit tweet just offend a race or a gender uh who's the one race

we can't make fun of them damn asians i don't agree with that i don't agree with that let the record show alex english is that is that i don't strike that from the record i am a fan of ali wong okay so then you guys bowen yang and jackie chan and all the other mainstream asian american jet lee that's fine isn't that who uh isa ray was professing her love for or was it jackie chan she was just saying that black women for an asian man she was saying real facts black women and asian men are the least married groups in and they should be together and then she was like they should just get together look at chappelle and his wife right but i mean we don't i don't know what his kids look like they make beautiful i know what his kids look like look at amory

beautiful children look at amory look at camora lee simon maybe don't look at camora look at her kids look at camora lee's kids though i like the kids don't look at russell either he might find On a massage chair Allegedly His yoga Allegedly His creepy ass yoga fingers His granola dick

He's so nasty Let's run down the list of people Who we should stay away from And then Well and the podcast Obviously Bill Cosby He's in jail So you have no reason

You have no other reason Mario Batali The nigga with the crocs On the tube Yeah Oh is he a creep too Yeah He was at the Spotted Pig

The Spotted Pig And there was like a rape room In the back Yeah They had a designated In a rape room Morgan Freeman Morgan Freeman

He can't trust Morgan anymore Who else should we stay away from Harvey Weinstein Matt Lauer I thought There's something that said He was getting ready to go to He was getting arrested tonight

Oh Weinstein Yeah he was turning himself in Yeah Allegedly That's what he said You know when You know when niggas weak After coming down from drugs

And drinking They're like Yo I'm gonna turn myself in I'm gonna do it I promise And then As soon as they get sober Like I ain't fucking going in there

I never said that shit City sounds like you hang out with a lot of niggas then you cut to them in a white bronco with a gun to their head and then you fuck them like i do all the time oh so the dude the stalker dude was at the bodega for how long before you invited him he was like you want to be batty with cheese or not no you have to go to prison first you want cocoa bread alex was like i'll take a go to prison first you can't have me get you Alex was like, I'll take a bacon-egg-a-cheese.

So I did almost ask him to take my order before I got it and closed the door on him. He's like, yo, I ran out of toilet paper, yo. Give me that two-ply. Which would scare him, essentially, because you can't rape me if I got a shit. Okay. Way to bring the mood down. Yeah, you lost us there, buddy. You lost us there.

I mean, it's true. And on that note. It's true. if i need toilet if i if i'm gonna attack someone all righty you're gonna poop on their paper i'm like oh maybe i shouldn't do this self-defense felt self-defense from alex three english i just heard the mouse said shut up nigga the mouse was like take a dump on that dick that mouse just needs some stewart little gross well alex english thank you so much for being here this is so fun i'm so glad that you don't have a job to go to in the morning because you were here about that

You're here at 12.36 in the morning. No, I'm working hard, though. So thank you. I'm working hard on something that I want people to enjoy. Yeah, we know. It's going to be cute. It ain't nothing to talk about yet. Find somewhere to stay in San Francisco and come to a Clusterfest with us.

We're going to eat burritos. But, you know, if I go, I'm going to just be sitting there salty, looking at everybody like, y'all ain't picked me. We won't go to none of those shows. We won't go to none of the Comedy Central Up Next shows. I mean, I will because my friends are on them. my friend duane's my friend my friends are wonderful am i your friend alex excuse me the way that you put your foot on his mouth just now yeah you i you she sydney had her foot all up in

my she put she put her baby pinky toe on his nostrils yeah i don't let men i don't let men do that to me much less well sydney's feet are pretty manly yeah they're called gerald's they're called kyle's yeah uh i've been trying to wrap this up for the last uh six minutes yeah That's how we get You can't stop us We have to make ourselves stop Thank you for listening To the unofficial podcast

Keep listening to the Unofficial podcast everyone It's actually called The unofficial expert podcast I don't know what y'all are doing That's the unofficial podcast That's what she said too I'm delirious right now

Keep listening to the Unofficial expert podcast everyone Support my funny friends Slide over to the Patreon We'll be there soon Bye guys Love you Thank you.