MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Pretty Girls Love Mouse Traps

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

We get an unexpected guest this week and almost have to shut the entire podcast down. This guest is an expert at being really disrespectful, making themselves real comfortable and making everybody else extremely uncomfortable. Can you guess who it is?----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

and we're here yes we are what's that sydney how are you oh you know it's gloomy in good old new york city to match my mood i feel like we're in the uk it's been raining and gloomy for the last couple days yes it has very gross garbage very uh hunter boot weather trash yeah garbage but you know what i'm still gonna rock my calves out i'm still gonna act like it's low-key warm because it was like all the people who you were roasting all winter long yeah you know you gotta flip the script you gotta see why they were doing what they were doing and i still don't get it i mean you look cute today you have one uh uh ghostbusters ghostbusters i was thinking that yes a ghostbuster slash garbage man jumpsuit on it's cute is this yours or is this adrian this is mine

beautiful beautiful i like the color thank you i like that it's like a little baggy i know you like things to be skin tight who you gonna call uh your gynecologist the shady busters that's us we should have a whole show about our shade i mean honestly let's just come up with different show ideas dude because uh i feel like that's where we are right now career wise the shade busters we just sit around and throw shade or we people watch we sit in front of a window and just talk about people as they walk by because that's what we do is that what you're wearing right now sir a tom loafer but i also like creating like whole scenarios when i meet random people on the train when i see them i try to pretend like what their life is like

what are they yes i try to guess like what what do they do who are they with are they single do they have kids okay are they doing meth on the weekends like stuff like that just by looking at them you come up with like their whole backstory yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm here for a backstory and then you put a little music on top of that little soundtrack i feel like first of all i don't believe this to be your reality because you stay in your phone the entire time you're out in public so when do you have time to make eye contact with people on the train um when i'm on the train i don't have any service especially since i ain't got no data and it's gone i can't even send barely a text it's so bad right now it's every month sydney that i've known you you're you go over your data

and i go over early like it'll be seven days into the month and you're like you are a hundred percent gone with your data seven days into the data do you have dude apparently not enough i'm trying to get out of at&t it's it's just a scam it just wants people to spend more and more money all them are a scam verizon's a scam sprint is a scam i feel like t-mobile is the only one that's like where is the scam here i'm about to get a burner phone i feel like t-mobile they just let you they're like well we'll we'll buy out your contract and you get unlimited everything for 12 cents and it's like are y'all what are y'all bugging me are you like listening to the conversations and recording them i'm about to do cricket then that's what that's what our friend amina does

she is cricket and she spends like six dollars a month i mean it's like month to month she have service it's a month a month i mean we facetimed before and the facetime be on a delay it's oh it'd be pixelated as fuck you'd be like oh my god is this an old sega genesis game yeah but it doesn't matter she has a like a six plus she got an iphone x like they sell damn they sell it for like fifty dollars at cricket she got an x phone iphone y yeah what i mean how do we feel about the iphone x first of all it's a thousand dollar phone so anytime i see somebody with it and they don't have a case i'm like oh they got money but also i'm just like on a phone if you're spending this on a phone your priorities are not together a thousand dollars dude that's a hundred dollars

times 10 okay does that math check out yeah that's 50 times 20 i love how you clock in other people's money a thousand dollars for a cell phone i remember when phones caught like you would like mail a rebate in and you would get you know your phone for free or you get an upgrade remember when we were eligible for upgrades and you got a free phone in like two years they stopped doing that because they were they realized they're like we ain't making no fucking money from this i know now what they're doing is they're like you can buy the phone but like pay us 50 a month for the phone that's what i've been fucking doing it's stupid yeah but then when you do the math at the end of that time you spend more than you would have if you just bought the phone yeah how long

do you have to do that for before your phone is paid off uh i think i'm on two years and i think i finally paid off my phone but how much were you paying a month to pay for it i was like five dollars no five dollars and 45 cents that's all i have for the month for two years for two years yeah i mean that means the phone was pretty cheap dude it's like a hundred dollar phone i was like what is the lowest i can pay a month a dollar and they were like um i don't know if you can afford to have this phone yeah i can't that's crazy people talk i got my phone for free because I stole it what allegedly how I just took it from an old job what allegedly are you serious yeah they had like a bunch of they bought a bunch of phones for the employees you know work phones and

I was like I didn't do phone don't nobody want this one and I just took it allegedly what yeah what job was this allegedly it was it was a temp job allegedly allegedly allegedly wait that was a long time ago I thought you said your cousin gave you that no I took it from work you're a lying asshole allegedly allegedly no the phone that i had before this my cousin gave to me not allegedly for real okay allegedly allegedly allegedly uh you know i like to steal things from work i got that leather jacket that i stole i know you're so good at it and when you look at your when i look at you i don't see thief but you do give me like sticky finger vibes i thank you so much thank you so much

i mean i take from people who don't actually need wow a little ghetto robin hood is that what it is so much it's rashida hood rashida let's talk about cardi b briefly she deleted her instagram because of azalea banks she's going through it what that's the pregnancy hormones like talking to her because there's no way i wouldn't let that raggedy ass chick get me off social media okay my millions of followers okay i hope she deactivated it that's what i hope happened also you could take a break sometimes you got to take a break though because like all the mentions all the like stuff that's going on it's too much yeah but i feel like verified accounts work differently than regular accounts oh what's that like i feel like a verified account like a celebrity account like

they they get notified when verified people comment on their stuff you know what i mean like they get notified they get different notifications than us we get everybody when everybody responds okay but when your account got that little blue check it's set up differently wow you know how do Because they get hundreds and millions of comments and millions of likes. Like, I was on Beyonce's page yesterday, and she had, like, a post that got 1.2 million likes. You think her phone is just vibrating 1.2 million times? Well, it's not. Nobody isn't.

She's not taking care of her account anyway. She sure ain't. It's Angie. She, who? Angie. Angie runs the Instagram, you think? It's somebody else. I don't know.

I feel like all her posts be looking real editorial-like, too. It's like, Beyonce, do you have a personality? like can you smile in this one photo it doesn't matter sis like this is what's our this is the time this is what people are doing everything is curated nothing is like fun anymore everybody has to look like they're cool i mean that's what regular people facetune but celebrities like they get like people professional photoshop people to touch can we talk about this facetune and people like what are you doing who are listening what the hell facetune is like photoshop for regular ass folks and it's just it's an app it's an app that you can you know fix your ribs uh fix

your nose uh fix the background and shit remove a blemish yeah remove a blemish and it's just like come on we all not that perfect especially especially if you work at best buy like why are you face tuning your shit yeah like i'm gonna come up and be like oh you know what uh is this tv on sale wait a minute i'll follow you on the gram that's not what your face look like also your Your ass looks fatter on Instagram. And it's really disappointing when you follow somebody on social media and then you meet them in real life and you're like, you ain't nothing like you posted at all. That's why I like IG stories because I don't be putting no makeup on. I just put like a Taj Mahal filter on.

You know what I mean? You just keep swiping until you get that Abu Dhabi filter, that little rainbow bright thing. And I honestly, I feel like I look exactly the same. Yeah. I don't put on filters on my shit. I don't have Facetune because I'm not paying for no damn app. Well, I got Facetune because the gays showed me what to do. But I don't know how to do it.

I don't know how to Facetune and make it look proper. If I Facetune, people are like, yo, that's just janky as hell. And I could tell that you tried to remove that ash from your ankles. And your ankles still look ashy. They'd be like, did you try to add a contour? Why is there a brown line on your cheek? Is that doo-doo? Yeah, that's what it is.

It's like, be yourself, man. I guess. Whatever that means. facetune because a gay is the is the person who told me what facetune even was yeah it's a lot of the gays but the problem is with the facetune is like you so worried about your face what about the other five people that's in the photo with you you're just gonna have time to edit all that yeah but it's like that's how people can tell when it's facetune when your shit is too perfect and everybody else is looking like dry and and wrinkled and creased yeah you'd be like your face

looks uh blemish free but what is all this a wrinkle in time around you yeah and it's just like so that's the crew that you're around you look that good and then that's your that's your follow-up no no way these are my homies these are my road dogs no it's my girl squad but that's what people are doing now and it's it's stressful because you feel like that's how you need to look in real life but that's no way well azalea banks posted a picture of cardi with no makeup on and was like you look like a big toe she's like when you remove all your highlighter and contour you look like a big toe she's so rude uh she said that she was she called her like uh um uh she said that she couldn't read she called her a rat yeah she called her illiterate i mean

she said the the obvious she didn't say anything that i wasn't like oh wow that's different i mean she doesn't look like a big toe that's rude i mean if you look at the photo it's kind of Big toe-ish. It looks like a smushed baby pinky toenail. Well, whatever. Azalea's got a lot of nerves. She got a big ass overbite. Yeah.

She looks a little off. She looks like a squirrel and or a chipmunk. There's no offense to people who are off, offset. It's Alvin, Simon, Azalea Banks. Like, she's one of the chipmunks. And it looks like her elevator doesn't go to the top floor. Ah, that's old people for like, she not all the way there. Yeah, like her elevator only stops on the fifth floor

and then you got to walk the rest and the door is locked yeah yeah yeah it says no no unauthorized people exactly and then you like you you push the emergency button and nobody comes oh absolutely i got trapped on an elevator once yeah i was uh i was in new jersey that's your fault with a giant suitcase trying to get to my mom's house trying to like go back into the city and the elevator got stuck and i leaned on the button and the fire department came they were like uh ma'am we're on the way please stop pressing the button and i was like i'm gonna miss my train it's like fuck the train girl get out of the elevator dude can you imagine is there a scarier place to be trapped new jersey yeah that's that's your fault for going to new jersey but we are going to newark

for this barbecue you keep saying that i keep telling people thinking that you're lying no we have to go we need like a field piece and you're telling others yeah it's a field piece well we're gonna we're gonna instagram it we're gonna have like little clips we're gonna post it we're gonna have the the brisket burger with the bacon on it we're gonna have like a video of you eating it and being like damn tastes like poverty like stuff like that why did you make me sound like chris checker damn which one of y'all doesn't hit me uh um what no uh so your team azalea banks is that what you're saying to me oh no absolutely not i mean sometimes i read her stuff and i'm like oh this bitch might be on to something but she's so unlikable yeah and she came for my my best

friend so like no she's dead to me she's all she's always been dead i saw she was on the breakfast Club. I didn't watch the interview, but she looked crazy because she went to BBQs with gloves and her boobs were at her chin. Did you see the photo? No. She went to Dallas BBQs in a gown and

an opera-length dress. Yeah, an opera-length glove and she was eating Henny Wings with gloves on. When we get money and we actually have a wardrobe, we're not going to go to BBQs? And Celia Banks got no damn money. We probably have the same amount of money as Celia Banks.

hi you're not gonna do ratchet things while you have money that's how you save your money you still got to go to the hood and do hood things to remain wealthy you can't be spending your money on these places for people who are rich i mean i hear what you're saying yes i accept that but if azalea banks did it i don't want to do it we're gonna have to go somewhere we're gonna have go to olive garden and get a salad okay well i'm yeah but i really like those sticky wings they are especially when they're free i mean so why am i spending my money at the hood spot when we could just get somebody hood to buy us wings yes that can we do that this summer we need to get more hood people who have connects to get us free things they don't have to have connects they

just gotta have money it could even be so you want a drug dealer it could be did you hear what i said It could even be drug money. So you want a drug dealer? No, I don't want a drug dealer. I just want somebody to pay for my food. So you want to be at La Marina all summer? Listen, as long as I'm not paying for things and I don't have to get on the train for eight hours

to get to the Bronx, I'll do it. Okay, so somebody saw me last night and they're like, yeah, I'm trying to hook Marie up with this guy. She showed me a picture of him. I was like, how tall is he? And I was like, I don't know. How tall is he?

How tall is he? Like 5'9", 5'10". and she's like oh he makes $200,000 a year and I said oh okay what does his face look like he kind of looks like Courtney Farrington the comic

yeah he kind of looks like him but Courtney if he made $200,000 I mean Courtney works for the government and makes a cute amount of change too FYI but Courtney's not 5'10 I think he's 5'5 with brown eyes

also he's a comedian yeah okay five five brown eyes and a comedian and a divorcee yes okay great and he likes rosé and he likes rosé in a in a can and he's and i feel like he dates like like black women but also like maybe like an asian girl oh i can see him with an asian right for sure right right an asian that wears cornrows as well like a like a beatbox asian like yeah like the harajuku the gwen stefani asian yeah or like or like like an egyptian woman or something like he looks like he'll date like a Moroccan. Like a Moroccan.

Ah, I see that. Like an Abu Dhabi. Okay. Abu Dhabi mommy. I don't know what song that is. That song. What song is that? It's the rock in the building.

That's not how you sing it. R-O-C, don't stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which literally could be any song. the listeners know what fucking song we're talking about we're not being racist and rude it's a song

it's a Jay Z song I can't fucking remember it though I want to say A-Rab Money but that's a different song we getting A-Rab Money we getting A-Rab Money no that's a totally different song yo now I gotta go on Spotify no I can't even go to Spotify it's on Tadal

I'm not going on Tadal I'm not either so then she's like oh he makes $200,000 a year And I said, okay, I can work with that. Is this a friend that we like? No, we don't know. He works at her job. No, this person who was talking to you about this guy is somebody that we like.

Yes, yes, yes. So then I was like, okay, so where does he live? And she's like, Harlem. I was like, Harlem? Oh, my God. I don't have time for a long distance relationship. That's what I said. That's what I said.

Listen, I'm just speaking on behalf of the things that you've already told me, right? Also, we both know, we don't really, I mean, you have a place in Harlem and you don't even go there. sis is getting i told you it's getting sold right the building is getting sold the building is getting sold and i gotta go get my shit i got a tv so what you got like oh you got a tv yeah i mean the tv can stay here sis you want it sure it could stay here okay cool cool cool i'll bring it here that's great you'll have the house that you need to get um i have like i'm just gonna throw out all these clothes or whatever that i used to have really it feels like i feel like you got clothes that probably are you got some pieces no i gave a lot of stuff to her because i didn't feel like

bringing them to Brooklyn. You know that guy's wealth. You just gave away stuff. Yeah, like a really nice yellow blazer, like some satin pieces. Some satin pieces? Yeah, I actually should have said, Marie, do you want this?

Trash. You are dead to me. Get off my couch. You have to stand for the rest of the podcast. Yeah, I should have. I was like, where Marie going? She going to do a show with this? I might. I might possibly do a show in a satin piece. Actually, but now that you're living your new life going to opera and shit then i should have you could have had that for that honestly

anywho um so yeah my building is getting sold the building that had the backyard the walk-in closet the washer and dryer the shit is gone but what about your furniture is your furniture gone oh girl i'll throw that away your bed and all that stuff i have a little dresser i'm gonna throw that out too damn dude you just throw you didn't even craigslist it you could have made a little coin no girl it's after a while it's kind of like this shit has no value you you bought it and it wasn't that much money and you think you're gonna make well what kind of bed was it let's describe the bed frame ikea thin rickety and i've had tons tons of sex on it so the wood is hanging on by it by what it is by a thread yeah exactly the bed in that song

that's that's my bed so i threw everything with the mattress was sure the mattress was trash it was an ikea mattress back all unsupported yeah it just felt like the floor literally hard honestly the the floor is good for your back that's what i heard that's what my mom said you know when you're drinking every day and drugging a bed is a bed a bed is also a bathroom a bed is also a kitchen table when you're drinking and drinking oh yeah when you're drinking and drugging underneath the table is the best and underneath like the sink that was my spot or just like resting your forehead gently on the bathroom tile oh yes after you had a good throw up after you just a good vomit expelled all those

heady wings and culottes yeah any culottes it feels great wow so a chapter uh of your life is done yo the backyard and everything yo i didn't even get to get my plates back remember when I used to tell you, yo, I can't wait to get money because then I'm going to move back to Harlem. That never happened. I remember you saying that one time. Yeah, but in my head, I was like, oh, I can't wait to book something so I can get my apartment back.

Because I was just like, I'm the one that gentrified the building in the first place. Yeah, because you brought all them white people to the building. I did. And only one of them is still there? Yeah, my roommate. So where is she going to go? She's looking for stuff.

She said she might be in the financial district. Okay, so she doing fine. That's what I said. i said that i was like i hate when i know well when i can think of like how much money somebody is making or having like just the moves that they make i hate that i clock other people's finances everybody does it though like even when i lived in la people come to the apartment and be like how much y'all paying for this and i'm like that's rude that's like asking me how much i make yeah but i was telling them i was like well you know i only pay 850 for this but 850 in la is

is cute. And 850 in New York City is amazing, but you're getting a corner of a kitchen for 850. It was two bedroom, two bathroom, and we had a balcony. It was beautiful. Wow. Washer and dryer in the building. Shit. I know. I had my own bathroom. I miss having my own bathroom.

I gotta share this with others. I had a big ass bathroom. I had a small kitchen. Yeah, but you didn't cook. So, who cares? Ramen, bitch. You don't need a big kitchen. Gourmet gourmet ramen so it was artisanal water okay i had to it was artisan water had to boil the egg shut up put a little egg in it he wasn't doing that putting a little parmesan

yeah but now my apartment is shut him down open up shop uh she's like she has like a couple months or whatever a couple months oh you got plenty of time to bring that tv down no but like no he wants to clean out the basement immediately because the whole building is getting sold. He's going to make like a cool million dollars off that. You think? Possibly. Probably more.

He's going to put that Whole Foods there. I think it'll be a cute meal. He got it less than a meal. Well, that's what I'm saying. The brownstones here in Brooklyn are going for like two million. I feel like that part of Harlem will maybe be a little bit less.

That's why we got to get some money and buy something. and flip that shit. No, buy it and just hold on to it for as long as, like, till we're old ladies. And then sell it? And then sell it for like $20 million. That's, that, cause,

cause people will never stop moving to New York. That's true. People will always bring their dusty Wisconsin asses to New York. And I just want to let y'all people know, the people who are like, oh my God, New York is everything, I can't wait.

Yo, there's so many miserable people here. We've been here. We've been doing this shit that y'all come here, the tourists come here to take pictures of. We tired of this shit. It's a lot. It's cold for like six months. Yeah, it's cold. You gotta have seven fucking jobs, dude.

And here we are on the couch with not one job between the two of us. Oh my God. Not a single job between the two of us on this couch. You have to hustle. You gotta sell breast milk. You gotta sell your eggs. You gotta do all this shit to fucking live here. Yeah, but if we were gonna sell our eggs, we could make

probably like 20 grand. You think? well not me i could you could not me because i've i've done things the weathered diet diet my eggs are farm to table sis yeah these are organic grass-fed opera eggs mine mines are uh what do you call it it's group home eggs yeah they're halfway house yeah halfway halfway well the thing about that is like when you're trying to sell your eggs they pump you full of hormones so you're like crying and bloated and your period be mad heavy and depressed you know what i mean like it's a lot that's the shit that's already going on in my life right now okay so just add so add twenty thousand dollars to it okay no but more hormone hormones i'm gonna jump off a bridge

so no i can't yeah i mean i've never been on birth control because i feel like i don't need it um uh but i just feel like i mean there's other ways to not get pregnant pull out no sis no that's definitely not uh no but what i was gonna say is because a lot of people that i know who do take birth control first of all everyone either gets fat they gain like a bunch of weight like rihanna looks like now i was eating seven bacon egg and cheeses a week like so one i would crave three a day out for two days it was weird like one day i'll od and have like three and then one day i'll have one and the next day i'll have another it's a lot that's a lot of cholesterol i i will say my butt was so freaking big but i was your stomach flat no it was a little puffy

all right see your butt was big but your stomach was yeah but the butt was so big that you wasn't concentrating on the fucking stomach how long did you take birth control for a year and i had depo and it it made me is that a shot oh i was miserable really yeah why um because you for three months which for three months what for three months you don't have to get a shot it lasts for three months yeah all these things to stop myself from getting pregnant and then there were situations where you're like well i mean you know the main way to not get pregnant is to just not have sex with dudes i know man i haven't had to get a pregnancy test in so long that it's just i just want to go for shits and giggles i've never taken a pregnancy test i've never good for you

marie but my period was late last week and i was like do i need to good for you bitch it's scary not everybody lives that life okay honestly with with plan b what do we need planned pregnancy i mean pregnancy test for or planned parenthood for you got 72 hours of papa plan b like a skittle i mean that's probably not good for you either but yeah but it's money though it's 50 dollars that's a lot it's 50 how much does an abortion cost it's more than 50 dollars to be okay so at a zero you're adding a decimal point a decimal place it's 500 and 47 cents because of tax i'd rather pay 50 for a plan b and be embarrassed at my duane reed than pay 500 to go to plan parenthood and do it there i'd rather just be a fucking lesbian that's it i don't have to worry

about no cum towel i don't have to worry about i don't have to worry about a cum towel y'all got like a you have like a like a jizz rag there's no jizz rag so when you would it like a warm a lukewarm like a hot towel when you go to the nail salon or you go to like a japanese spot when you go to aputo aputo they give you they give it the little towel for the ramen yeah no we don't have that you just women's ejaculation is different it's it's cleaner it's not as messy and gross it's still be a wet spot on the bed hey we just laying it because it's ours arch that back no problem because it's ours it's all this is mine ew you lay in the wet spot it gets cold you wake up you be shivering it's fine you don't get pneumonia laying in that wet spot

listen the male cum is disgusting it's like the consistency everything is gross so like women's shit is so much different it's cleaner it's thinner it's you can lay in it it's filtered it's definitely filtered it's brita it's brita cum it's great and my ph is balanced so okay because you'd be using um what i don't know it's just you know what the problem with having unprotected sex is mixing your shit with dudes that throws your ph off and so it changes the consistency it changes the smell so it's just so how do we feel about pineapples or like pineapple i don't believe that shit i don't believe it no i've never ever tasted it and been like this tastes like ice cream it does i mean it's not gonna taste like ice cream dude i think it's

just supposed to taste like less funky it just doesn't taste good it's not yummy i don't want it i don't think people think that it's yummy if they're not getting paid when i watch them pouring up and like damn bitch you love it but they love it it's collecting a check yeah i don't care how much money i'm getting i've never tasted it and been like this is you know we just need a biscuit no hundred thousand dollars to dip the biscuit in mail i love this guy i loved him i loved his dirty draws and i still was like oh please don't get it away oh gross you love this guy i've never even heard you say that you loved any of the dudes that you were with i did i loved him i i loved him i thought i loved him i don't even know what love is anymore but anyway i loved

him and i still was not into the let me come in your mouth i mean there was a couple of times where i was drunk and i said that shit but i didn't really mean it did you swallow it did you spit it out sis i'm gonna omit you're gonna you're gonna plead the fifth yeah definitely believe the fifth on that um but you already know the answer yeah i don't know my my old life sometimes i'll be like i miss it and then there's there's times where i'm like so glad that i'm not a part of that anymore i mean i see you now you look great um you don't look like you lived hard and fast so really sometimes i'll be looking at myself and i'm like i look like a young old person i mean you are a young old person we're all young old people nah dude we're because

old people used to be young sis that old lady that you won't give your seat up for on the subway she was young once she used to be able to skip look there's this old lady that lives above me in this building and she and she when i see her go outside it'd be taking her mad long to get to the dialysis van like it takes her legit like 20 minutes to get from the front door to the sidewalk I don't like that hard, hard life look. It's not for me. Like, I be seeing these indie films, and I see bitches that ain't got no concealer on, and they look like they haven't slept, and then they get an award for that movie,

and I'm like, I'll never do that. That Charlize Theron monster? I'm not doing monster. I'm not doing Holly Berry monster ball. I'm not doing that. That's not for me. Then you're not going to win the Academy Awards, sis. They sent me an audition for a woman who literally has a son, has had a hard life.

she's like an ex drug addict i said why am i getting this this is can i get the the cute roles before you put me into dive me into this drama they got you in the viola with no wig no i said yeah this is i can't connect can't relate also i'm not here for a drama like can i do some comedic i can't i can't cute comedies first i was like no thank you can i do some made in manhattan so you want me to not draw my eyebrows yeah i don't i don't know i can't Speaking of draw, why is there an X on your hand? Oh, because my eyeliner is like drying out. So I just wanted to, you know, do a little practice.

I thought you went to the club last night. And I mean, it looks like a lot of eyeliner on your. It looks like you went to the club and got stamped. No, girl, I don't go to the club no more. You know that. We don't do that no more. And if we go, they're not stamping us. We just walking straight in.

We VIP. No, they'd be like, we can't take this ID. Yeah, they do that to you, Marie. All the time. We can't take this ID. so i'm gonna go to the dmv and get my license back you doing that i'm gonna go to the dmv here because i need i'm gonna change my address to here what address do you have my parents address yo you ready for that photo yo can i come with you can i hype you up while you take that picture

they're gonna be like ma'am please stand behind the yellow line yo they're so like savage at the dmv they don't want you to fucking win they don't want you to have a decent picture and it's like yo i have to have this picture picture for four years six years i don't even know how long it's it's a minute and it's just like they don't even give you no notice they're like okay good i mean and then i also need to get my my passport expires next month so i got to get a new photo for that too so maybe i'll just two birds one stone like do them at on the same day yeah you should like i'm gonna go to sephora get my makeup done i'm gonna pay the 60 dollars so you got to get you a ring light too that's what chloe kardashian did she brought a ring light to her

shit my ring light to the passport yeah sis i'll come with you and i'll act if i was like oh yeah hold on wait a minute chloe bought a ring light to get her license yes i saw them oh we didn't start well we didn't start the podcast off with marie has a mouse in her house and i just fucking saw it where did it go oh my god underneath the fridge wow your mouse capades are just you talk about on insta stories and i laugh but now i'm really here and that was not funny that was not that was not hilarious i wow oh my god oh my god people i'm reporting live from the mouse from the mouse house yo you screamed so loud i can't believe we didn't put it in yo it it went past like it lives here nigga it was a little tiny one though right

yo but it the way it didn't run fast enough for it to be like it's not comfortable on insta stories it's strolling i saw it yesterday just it waved it waved to me it went to the mousetrap smelled it and then just walked it was like no not me it came by and was like hey girl it was like it just greeted me oh my god it waved it was smoking a cigarette it had a do-rag on and some timps the tail was out oh my god marie you screamed so loud you blew out the speakers i fuck so sorry guys so this is what happened my roommate the dude that my roommate is dating came yesterday to drop off some new traps and uh oh she got mousetrap dick yes mousetrap pussy oh and so he was like oh the mouse is dead it was in her radiator i threw it away downstairs

and then i saw the little tiny mouse right after he left and i was like so we had two mice you think the what because he threw one in the trash yesterday and then after he left the little one is still here marie this is fucking nuts i'm telling you that was it's your building dude i know it's my building because i've been seeing them outside it's your building that doesn't look like it's from like here it's just no no no that mouse was not born and bred no no no that's a that's a trap that's an airbnb mouse yeah marie that's fucking scary under the refrigerator like how are you comfortable i'm not comfortable yo i haven't slept in days yo i had a mouse in my apartment in harlem but it had been in my apartment for months and i had never seen it

but i saw a couple drop-ins and i was like what the fuck is this and then i had one in a bag and it had like ate up all this paper or whatever it was like trying to make a little nest and so finally i started coming out in the day and i like looked it up and it was like yeah when they start coming out in the day they're desperate for food and i was like oh yeah we ain't got no canned goods here no nothing no there was no food in my house none it was like destitute it was like i lived in a nice apartment no food so it would come out and it looked like angry because it was just like dude how am i supposed to survive and i'm like you're not you gotta go to you gotta go to 3b yeah that's how you survive so then i put down the traps i did the peanut butter i did everything

cheese every them niggas was like no why are you hitting us with these old school traps like no they time and jerry because remember time and jerry they're like we're smarter than this he was really jerry was really smart that mouse was like i went to devry to live i'm gonna come here to die with these old ass mousetraps so anyway finally um my roommate was had ordered a pizza and we get the pizza and we open up the box and we was about to go ham on this pizza the fucking mouse came out jumped on the dresser and basically was like where's my slice it looked at us it was the scariest thing that the mouse stopped it was on the dresser and was literally like where's my fucking slice i said oh we gotta go so so we got those plugs the plugs

that are supposed to deter the mice it's supposed to send out to the thing and send out signals and shit so that was cool like it wouldn't go in certain spaces really and then my roommate found those pellets the heavy duty pellets that like if you touch it you're gonna get sick and and had that and immediately it died yeah the freaking uh super i was complaining to him today and he was like i got some poison i'll bring it to you i'm like okay well where the poison at dude i'm devastated for you because you're one and the thing you're one of my cleanest friends thank you so much i always thought i was one of my cleanest friends i was like i'm cleaner than everybody without a doubt yeah let me tell you something okay this mouse only comes out when i

got company on this couch oh that mouse is trying to embarrass you bitch exactly that's an embarrassing ass mouse when i'm here by myself the mouse be like it'd be sleep but here the mouse the mouse puts on his good clothes and it's like hey guys he's like i need to see this new blazer yeah yo see this new fashion nova i got on yo the mouse was harlem shaking it's it was like take this money make this money it's daytime one the sun is up and i thought they were supposed to be nocturnal and then they hear it hears us talking and it's like well let me come out new york city mice and rats are not nocturnal they're like i live in a city that never sleeps i'm getting no sleep i'm not going to bed during the day it's too much going on the rats don't know when it is

daylight or nighttime because they be underground on that loud ass dirty ass subway so of course sis that mouse had a shape up like i fucking can't i'm done yo we gotta get out of here looking for it yeah we have to go i mean i guess we just gonna keep this episode real short today this this feels like it should be a bonus episode because of how sensitive this mouse material is but everybody's got to know but you be on the insta stories and i i'm like oh man i wish you would post more about this mouse like i feel like you should do like set the scene do a plot story like make create something more than just the mouse i had a show on monday and i was like i don't want to be here guys but i have a mouse in my house i'm not here because i like comedy i just

hate my dirty ass house right and everybody was looking at me like well we don't want to be here either and i was like obviously y'all don't have netflix uh because you're here not laughing at my mouse they weren't laughing at the mouse which is weird because everybody i know has had like a mouse or some type of bug or something this is new york city i'd never had a mouse like i'd never seen a live mouse in my house oh my grandmother had like my bronx rats in her fucking apartment bronx like they came out the oven i was like didn't we just have the oven on i know they was like they were like yo we're tanning right now there was like a tanning they had a tanning bed they thought the oven was a tanning bed they had on blue yankee fittings yo those they were big

ass rats and they were and i would have to come to my grandmother's place and i'm like i don't want to be here like i don't love my grandmother that much actually i don't even really like my grandmother that much if if the rats they were huge and like they're like oh grammy's gonna make food i'm like well i'm not eating it i'm not gonna eat there this doesn't feel like the type of place that i want to eat marie i'm so sorry for you friend are you i see the stress in your face sis i've just been annoyed all week i know you texted me you texted me the other day and i was like is she breaking up with me dude i'm breaking up with everybody seriously i'm breaking up with comedy i'm breaking up with this apartment building the hinge i'm breaking up with

the nyoki niggas the nyoki niggas the opera niggas all the niggas the michelin star niggas please don't we need you marie what am i gonna do dude i can't it's not like i have a job to go to in the day no home with this mouse but you say it doesn't come out until you have company so i gotta stop having people come over i gotta sit here in silence with this mouse you should write poetry for the mouse i should write some haikus mean ass rude at like i got company i really didn't even remember the mouse until i just saw it you've been talking about it for like two weeks Sis, it's been a week Because I saw it last Friday

It's been a cool week It just feels like it's been more Yeah, it's been a week I saw it last week and then I saw it again on Sunday But, I mean, didn't they have like a little mousetrap And it was something on it Oh, me? Yeah, remember I put my foot on the glue trap

And there was a mouse on the It was so tiny But that's what I feel like this mouse is Nah, bitch, that was bigger than that fucking little mouse did you have that that's the mother to that fucking mouse no that means it's two mice in here still oh i gotta get some poison poison poison poison if i put these pellets down and the mouse eats it is it gonna die right after it eats it or it's gonna go somewhere it's gonna feel sick and then it's just gonna die

so i'm not gonna stumble across a mouse when i get out the shower is what you say no i don't think so no no no no they they go away because they're trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with them okay as long as i'm not gonna fall out the bed no no no no no no no no but it actually is better if they come out and die because then you can dispose it yeah because i don't want it to die behind my stove or under my refrigerator i think my little field mouse it since i had a basement i think it went in the basement and died and since it's a basement like i didn't smell everything smells funky in a basement i didn't smell anything but also my nose was just like dead anyway from all the cocaine all of the blow yeah show me with your hands how big this mouse

is that you just saw and i feel like you're not really good with size just show me ow okay i feel like the one that was on the thing was that big no sis it was a lot smaller it was tiny it was so tiny i was like oh look at the little i almost got sad i was like oh look at the little baby i can't like i gotta wear boots in my apartment all right people listeners we gotta do a little prayer circle um you also gotta hit up the venmo i mean this is something that you we should reach you should reach out and send something or prayers what is it thoughts and prayers can you your thoughts and prayers be currency thoughts and prayers and um funds yes send thoughts and prayers and venmo send us some money because i'm a part of this mouse

situation now as well i'm triggered just i just saw it and i was like i thought about the mouse i had in my place you screamed so loud sydney where under the fridge it literally went in the i was like yo i think it went in the fridge to pick up a beverage it's like it was like y'all need anything yeah yo it was like who didn't refill the brita filter yo the mouse went to the corner store and came back to drop some shit off and it's gonna go back out look i'm looking at the fridge which corner of the did that corner right there yeah yeah yikes man this is fucking ridiculous we gotta get out you're better than this we gotta get out of this dirty ass house guys uh don't

forget to listen to the patreon episodes uh we might maybe explore this mouse a little bit further we're gonna try to get him to uh settle down and talk to us i think he should be our next guest we could just sit down and talk to him and be like so why this place i will throw the microphone at the damn we have more than one microphone so i definitely feel like we could get a little little time in with this mouse let me get my my shoes back on uh guys uh thank you for listening to this nasty ass gross ass dirty ass episode of the podcast uh we'll see you next week make sure you go to itunes you know review comment all that good stuff and then we have our monthly show at at all it's at 8 p.m it's um may 30th at at all 191 christy street you should come

come see us after you uh your memorial day weekend barbecues and uh bring poison for the rats yes bring a lot of poison and bring money as well Bye.