MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Some Of My Closest Friends Are Poor

Episode Date: August 31, 2018

If you have a charger, a piece of gum, a hair tie, a tampon, a tv subscription password, and a ride home for Sydnee & Marie, they will be your friends forever!Your Unofficial Experts return after a brief hiatus to discuss social media fasting, the lies of Sex and the City, NYC being a literal death trap, and how NOT to act when youre flat ass broke. Plus, Sydnee thinks Insecure isnt moving fast enough and Marie struggles to remember people she runs into on the street.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you smell that, Marie? That smelled like a studio. We are in a studio right now. Hold on. It smells like professional microphones. Is that Forever Dog? Are we Forever Dog right now? It smells like my neighbor's not downstairs

turning off my electricity. Oh, my God. The unofficial expert is with Forever Dog now. Can we play Beyonce Upgrade You? like can we just play that underneath this button and let me upgrade you i don't i don't know the rest of the words um oh man this is just feels so good it does feel good because i'm sitting by a fan remember uh doing it in my apartment how hot we would be you have to shut everything down turn off the fridge everything bitch don't even shout at the people outside we're recording a podcast

don't you know who we are and they're like no shut up so that's what happened it's been a it's been a long time coming we haven't uploaded anything in like two weeks it's been a long time shouldn't have left you left you without some new episodes to listen to yeah but i've been meeting people who listen to the last night i had a show and this girl was like oh my god she was like i'm in town from portland i used to watch your youtube videos okay from like mad years ago and she was like i went on your website and saw you had a show so I came and I was like that's crazy real fans and she was with a friend who lives here in New York and she was like oh you should listen to her podcast and her friend was like okay I'll check it out and I was like come to my show and uh that's

what's happening now is we're you know we're touching coast to coast all over we all over town we're in where we Bulgaria yeah Botswana we everywhere boo some country somebody hit us up and we were like is that in the caribbean and she was like no it's in europe we're in europe we're in australia i mean hunty oh the kangaroos love us we're doing it the koala bears that got chlamydia love us so how do the koala bears get chlamydia i don't know some freak nasty dude was probably hooking up with koala bears i don't know koala bears a white man i mean not not no aborigine koala bears seem like they have like prickly dicks and prickly vaginas i don't even know what they look like a koala bear no no like they're genitals i'm not even i don't know what they look

like either but i'm saying like i feel like isn't there an animal that like when their dick comes out it has like a hook on it or something like a scratchy piece maybe it's spiders sound like an ex of mine get a little scratchy piece he had two curves girl that's nasty who are you talking about um anywho so yeah this is great we haven't talked in a while so we got i haven't seen you i really want to know what's going on with you mad thanks your hair looks super fresh are there colors in it no no i've honestly spent way too much time and money on my hair in the past couple of days. I had to take out my braids and then do my natural

hair. Which looked good. We saw it in the Insta stories. It looked fantastic. My Frederick Douglass haircut. Yes! It looks so full and it looks healthy. It grew a lot. It's getting there. It's getting there. When people say, why don't you wear your hair out? Bitch, do you know what

it is to do the natural process? It's a lot. Do you want to pay for it? Do you want to pay and get my hair done? Do you actually want to do my natural hair it's less that for me for me when I have my hair out I know that it's gonna take me an extra hour a day to do it before I leave my house and then do it before I go to bed and that's the step that I don't want to take I gotta what we busy I gotta twist it nah and I'm late and products I had snoozed too many times to be doing my hair in the morning and if you

like your hair a certain way you miss a step oh bitch it's dry on the left side moisturized on the right side you're gonna you're gonna be looking like frederick douglas you're gonna look like party in the front disaster in the back unemployed you're gonna look like check cash in place in the back and you're gonna look like rave in the front you're gonna look like jimmy jazz in the front and vim in the back they're like what are these stores you're gonna look like forever 21 in the front and h&m uh coolest monkey in the jungle in the back oh no marie i'm just telling you taking it back with that reference yeah so yeah it was a lot um it made me want to be bald for a hot minute and how long did it take you to take your braids out like six hours to take

them out i i got slow hands um oh it took me some time that's why i didn't go out on a friday night and then i had to wake up early to get to harlem to get my actual hair and how long did that take And the thing about, y'all don't know, black salons, you've got a time. There's a time for you to be there. You have an appointment. There's an appointment, but you ain't starting at that time. And that's the thing I don't miss is going up like a black beauty salon to get my hair done. Because, like, I go to a salon to get my hair trimmed every, like, six months now.

And they're pretty good with time. But, like, when I used to get, like, weeds and stuff sewn in and pay for it, you get there at 9 o'clock in the morning. stylists don't get there until almost 10 then she has every all her

she made like 8 appointments for 10 o'clock and she's like stacking us one person's under the chair one person's at the sink one person's under the

like you're under the dryer for 8 hours now this is paying customers mind you right that ain't me but I'm a paying customer

but I'm like discounted customer so you definitely you push me in the back do whatever I don't need to go right away so I knew the whole day was gonna take

it was gonna take all day How long were you in the salon for? I got there at noon. I did not leave until 6.30. That's too much time. For your hair. For a wash and a trim? Well, it was just like I needed to condition.

I dyed my hair because I had like all these highlights that was just as ready to go. And, you know, my hair is fried and dyed and a mess. So I had to do a lot of deep conditioning. A deep condition should be like legit 45 minutes. Nah. It's not six hours. No, I'm like those. They put it in.

They sit you under the dryer. She got other customers, too. Exactly. And if you're a discounted customer, sis, you're going to be just three hours doing nothing. It's like, yeah, you better bring some books. Yeah. It's like, if you want to get out of here on time, you pay full price. And I was like, well, I ain't got that.

So she looked at you under the dryer. She was like, you want to be on top? And you're like, oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah. So and then when you get your hair done as a brown person, it's just different. It's like you want your hair a certain way. You show them a picture and you're like, this is how I want it to look. And then you look at it and you're like, this kind of look like it.

But oh, my God, you have a picture. Let me see. But my face don't look like the bitch that I said I want my hair to look like. Yeah. So that's not how hair. That's not how it works. You know, you got to get the style that's good for you. This is for everybody.

this is not just black women but get the style get a picture of somebody who looks like you no but you don't look like Beyonce so is that what you bought a picture of Beyonce lemonade and you were like this is what I want I we look similar but I don't have to have the same hairline as this chick so you know I didn't like my hair and you can't do that to a stylist you can't say it was about me but why is that because why and I think this is something that women do I don't know if dudes do this or not but i feel like when women get there we get our hair done we're not happy we we tend to not say something to the stylist and then you still tip because you don't want to look cheap or like give i don't know black women a bad name but you leave and you're not

happy and you have to do your hair again anyway so if i'm paying you for a service and i'm not happy with how it came out i should be allowed to be like hey um trisha this not what i wanted from you but you've been in this salon for six hours you just want to leave at that point yes But I think at a certain age, if you're a woman, you want what you want, you know, you get you want what you want and you have to vocalize. Hey, I don't really like this. What can we do to make this better? Did you say that to your stylist on Saturday? No, you did not.

I did. I did. And it came off as like ungrateful and just like you don't love yourself situation. It sounds like somebody said those words to you. It was a lot. It was a lot. and it was just like no

I'm first of all natural hair if you don't wear your hair natural it's a process it takes too much damn time

it's you you're not used to your face looking a certain way so it was I felt like I was 12 again

12 again and my auntie was doing my hair and I didn't like it and I was like well I just this is how

I'm going to school yeah but you would tell your aunt you didn't like it no I would pout and be like no

I feel like I would if because my mom would do my hair when I was younger and I'd go in the mirror because you're sitting

between her legs for like hours and then she's hitting your hand with the comb and you're like you're trying to see what it looks like

but feeling it like Helen Keller or whatever and then you get up and you go to the mirror and you're like you're like I don't like it

and my mom's like I'm not redoing it this is what it looks like for the week I would never my auntie them arthritis hands the fact that she got

through the fucking hairstyle this is what it's going to look like so yeah that was that was a process and it's just like i need to be more like put my foot down if i don't like something you don't like it and it's okay to be like no this is not what i i didn't pay for this and it's like bitch you didn't pay at all you're right you're right but like can we you're right you're right but uh the person who paid did not pay for

this so babe you like this oh you do all right well i guess we're leaving but we won't be back yes um so that was that and then you know i i'm starting with forever dog i'm gonna work on just holding back a little bit because the things that i say on the podcast is coming back to me oh people are listening and telling you what they heard they got receipts wow i'm so glad that i dear listeners don't talk to anybody dear listeners the things that i say with y'all it should stay with us who is snitching on you to your i'm assuming they are snitching to adrian who's snitching to your girlfriend what happened i thought we had a relationship y'all i thought we you know i thought i could trust you there is no trust here the trust has been

broken and now you will not get any of sydney's honesty anymore wow i'm holding back you gotta go to the patreon for the real tea exactly you have to pay extra if you want to hear anything about my how much I gotta pay for you to not do this accent no more how much what's that

six dollars um well Sydney I think that people like how honest you are on the podcast yeah cause

they appreciate it it's good for them it's great it's funny it's great for me too but it's uh you know does not help

elsewhere I wanna know what happened well I'm gonna tell you on the Patreon we'll talk about it if you wanna know about this story

whenever we record an ad go to the Patreon yeah nothing that i've said on the podcast has come well because i learned my lesson early the first podcast i ever did i was running my mouth and it got back to the person i was talking about yeah and they were upset about it and so now i just i'm as vague as uh possible but like still very honest yes like you you when you hear me on this podcast you're listening to molly samuel foster speak right but i think that's the thing with podcasts it's like we run in our mouths we

talking and we forget yo people really be listening to this shit I know look our producer over here are you listening just give a little shout yeah I don't

know it's fine but it is weird because you're sitting especially when we used to do them at my house we would just be sitting and talking by ourselves and then it's like oh that was fun and you upload it and don't think about it again until someone sends you a message and they're like hey were you talking about uh so and so here oh marie you name names oh absolutely i name names

hi royce when i was talking about people who okay you know what this is why we have no friends no friends well i've had an interesting um two weeks I was in LA last week I did a show at a university at USC and the person who did the show

the year before me last year was Tiffany Haddish and I was like is this a premonition am I about to pop and they're like well she did it after a girl's trip

what did you do this year and I was like well I mean the podcast is doing really well yeah what you talking about I mean I'm basically who said that I will run up on them

and knock the koofy off their head I'm basically Tiffany Haddish she is prepared right she not ready she prepared What else

I got married last week Not to like a real person for real But I did a sketch for some Comedy Central thing And I married a white man And then posted the photos On my Instagram live My Insta stories And people were like oh my god you really got

You really got married And didn't invite me to And it was like Sidney's not in any of these photos Okay bitch like come on now My buff ass sister's not here in a strapless dress Come on like and then I took a picture with the people who were playing my parents and I was

like my mom and dad couldn't make it so we hired actors and people were like that's so sad about your parents that's so stupid people are really dumb so I had to get some common sense I had to post a follow up the next day anyway yesterday I had an audition and I was walking out and this woman stood up and was like

hey she recognized me I did not recognize her we hugged I'm talking to her like what are you doing here like because I'm trying to be better at not recognizing somebody and like playing it off because you know I'm queen of the

nice to meet you while they're saying Marie good to see you like people remember me and I forget them and because I'm not good with faces or names

and this woman's talking to me is your mother and I'm like what are you doing tomorrow come to my comedy show and I invited her I sent her the flyer

and when I got home I looked at my phone and it was the lady who had played my mom the week before bitch that's crazy I forgot my damn mom that's so terrible

I was like sorry mom still come to the show though she don't come I was at Union Square once and I had this girl got off the train we had a 20 minute conversation we hugged she's asking me how I'm doing

we talking about comedy she asked me about you I could not remember this person who was it I still don't know who she was hey girl if you remember having a 20 minute conversation with Marie please at Union Union Square please step forward and let us know who you are we had i want to say it was like a tall lanky white woman and we had a whole

i'm asking her how like i'm like well maybe i know her from comedy i'm like how you doing like how's work she's like oh i just sold a pilot to hbo i'm like okay so i know her from the biz yeah and i'm like oh what's up we're talking and then she was like all right well i'm jumping on the l train good just so good to see you i'm like yeah we should do this more often so you i can't Ask you now who you are. I'll be like, what's your Instagram? She's like, Marie, you know what it is. We talk on Instagram.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. Oh, my God. Imagine. You're an idiot. Somebody was like, you should have been like, did your number check? Do I have your number? Yeah.

But still, then you got to start a conversation not knowing this person's name and you're waiting for this person. Well, let me get your email. Do that. It's the email. Get the email. But the email's like, PianoTeacher1. Oh, bitch.

At Hotmail.com. I'm tired of y'all. I'm just like, I had a whole first name dot last name. And then we hugged when she left. Um, yeah, I've been seeing people been seeing me in the Uber pools. People wait. What people have been seeing me in the Uber pool is crazy because I'm in the front minding my damn business and somebody in the back. Sydney.

Yes. Hey, girl. What? When I saw your name, I was wondering if it was you because it's two E's. And I was like, yeah. Yes, but who are these people? From shows. From shows.

I'm like, what? Yeah. I was, oh, God. Now I can't do Uber Pool no more. It used to be a safe haven. Now I'm actually running into people. It was a little messy always. You can still do Uber Pool.

Yeah, and I was on the train, and somebody noticed me from the podcast, and I was in a bad mood. And they were like, hey. And I'm like, mm. Yeah, see, that's hard. Because now I got to be nice in public. that's not my ministry like my whole uh new york city persona my whole just it's in my mitochondria to not be nice to you in public bitch i'm all about seeing somebody and then

turning my head and look being in the phone the whole time i'm all about making eye contact and then immediately sliding my eyes two inches to the left i'm like and then if you message me like hey girl were you on the j train nah i didn't take the train today yeah i don't ride the train i'm making money now i was in my uber x going to uh soho what are you talking about yeah they're like were you in an uber pool the other day with me it's just weird and it's it's weird for me and it's been strange for me for a little while because people from the youtube had been recognizing me for the last couple years but always in random situations when i'm doing something i shouldn't be doing right like i was at duane reed downtown stealing lotion once and by stealing i mean i just

I was just using it because I didn't want to buy that's a sample boo thank you so much he's sampling he's Trader Joe's but I opened it and then I

anyway somebody walked by and they were like Reese and I was like no no I'm not that's not me

and she was like I recognize you from your videos like people like I was coming off the train years ago coming from the gym

had a gym wig on like a sloppy you know what I mean like when it's like the wig is it's at a commission you gotta just like you wear it to go to the gym it looked like a mop thank you so much at the gym we're going looked a hot

crunchy mess and I was coming off the train and this girl was coming on and she was like crazy and I was like no no that I'm not that's not no you don't you don't know me and she was like yes you girl like I keep lying to them and they keep if you see me

in the streets and I look crazy you don't know me okay if you look if you see me and you're like she don't look like that don't look like happy sydney don't approach me please please just catch me when i'm like looking joyful joyful now me adorably when i'm sister act two in it and just like me alone give me up the night of day night yeah we're not doing this today we have to cut that out no we didn't give it in so yeah that's

and then I've been taking a break from social media I haven't been on Instagram since Saturday really since Saturday since Saturday I haven't checked it really friend if I check my Instagram right now it's not going to be nothing that you posted since Saturday

no I have not posted anything I have not it's not about the posting are you still using Instagram I haven't even I took the notifications off that's great I want to delete it

but I know I can't but yeah you should just log out I log out of my Instagram every single day nah I just

so that I don't get the notifications and I don't check it before 10am and I don't check it after 10pm because I don't need that type of

jealous energy that flat tummy tea energy coming into my house with me yeah I haven't I haven't checked it and then

it's like you know you just If you don't have anything worthwhile to post I do but it's just like you gotta take a break Cause it's just too much It's just a lot It's a freaking lot

So I'm like there's always a show to post There's always a picture to post I'm doing something I'm here and it's kind of like Let me scale back Take a moment I am proud of you friend cause social media For the last four years that I've known you has been your life Yeah

So you gotta take a break reevaluate what you want to do with your page I guess your page oh sis you spoke to your manager he don't like what you've been posting he's like actually your elbows are a little bit crusty here that's not really the brand damn he doesn't care

but it's just like we spend so much time on that shit it's just it's hours hours of our lives it's just too much and it's like you know people be lying all day it's like bitch I was at that show you bombed that was a terrible

show yeah but then nobody nobody's gonna say that nobody's gonna be like honest and say hey I'm actually having a hard time or I'm dealing with this breakup and I look crazy right now nobody's gonna do that no no no some people do do that and I've

had to unfollow those people because I don't care about your sad ass life I come here to escape my broke ass life so you here talking about the dude that cheated on you with some chick and then said he was going to his mother's funeral and he borrowed money for you to see some other like that are you getting too specific i mean she was very specific and i was like i gotta this is too much this is like a soap opera that i don't

actually need to watch um but i feel like you posted something on instagram the other day about your depression and i've and i want to say that the the reaction and the response was all positive um yeah i mean people hit me up like yes this is me like what do you do to da da da i'm like I ain't got no answers, y'all. I'm just being honest. But it's one of those things where, I mean, if you live in New York, mad people are sad. Like, everybody is working too hard, not taking enough breaks, not going on vacation. Can't afford to live where they live.

No money. They can't afford to pay to send their laundry out. They got to do their laundry themselves. So you got to push your dirty ass panties down a block. Down the road. With some hood niggas like, hey, yo, I like those drugs. And then you hit the uneven sidewalk thing And the panty fall out

Anyway I have washer and dryer in my building But all that to say That I just feel like the washer and dryer In my building like suck And I like my clothes to smell clean So I had to walk across the street To the laundromat the other day I'm so sorry for you

I was devastated Sorry for your loss Oh my god But I was just doing towels and sheets Okay But I will be doing panties And like colored clothes Probably this weekend

yeah it's just one of those things where you know people talk so highly of new york but i'm like this is a death trap y'all know that right like you can live somewhere and have a decent living and not be you could buy a house but like 120 dollars in like i don't know montano like i was listening to this person talk about having roommates and this dude was 45 no and I said no excuse me forever dog nigga no like you don't tell nobody that you like I said roommates plural roommates 45 hunty I said this can't be my life I can't I I no thank you yeah and but we make it acceptable to do shit that you if you were anywhere else you're like dude get you some land get you some grass you got no property like no acres what the hell yeah that's true but also

like but that's something for me that i've always had an issue with also because even before i moved into my apartment like any dude that was like above a certain age or any woman that was above a certain age that had roommates was weird to me yeah you went you're 40 you're pushing 50 And you got roommates, plural, plus you probably only sharing a bathroom. You know, that's, I can't do that. But you can't masturbate? Like, you got to wait a certain hour to get it off? Fuck out of here.

You got a pencil in your jerk off? Yeah, you got to, no. If I'm spending $1,200, I'm nutting everywhere. Skeet, skeet. Okay. In the sink. On the couch. Skeet, skeet.

In the mailbox. Skeet, skeet. On the screen that's keeping the flies out. Like, everything. Everything. So it's just, I think that I'm trying to channel what exactly do I want from being here and just, okay, figuring out, we need to get more grown because you ain't grown. And, like, I'm a certain age, but I come off as another age because people are like, oh, you young and you silly. And it's like, actually, it's pretty sad.

But I make it cute, right? I make it look good. Don't follow me, but follow me. I'm hearing everything that you're saying and I know who you are as a person. So I'm like, well, look, I just I'm happy that you're thinking about these things because I feel like these are things that you don't think about. Oh, honey, this IRS situation is making me think about every tank. So I'm realizing that, yeah, this is not the look. This is really bad.

And if you could live anywhere that's not New York, where would you live? oh bitch i want to live here i just want to live here right right but if you could live if you if you can't make it here you and you got to go somewhere else where would you go oh to hell i'm dying if i can't do it carry sex in the city stuff fucking kill me now yes but let's break down sex in the city and the lies that they were selling to y'all midwesterners uh y'all white ladies she was oh she was a but black ladies was watching it too and they were like oh my god i'm gonna move to new york and i'm gonna wear heels walking up and down the street to work which is

a lie you you gotta put your ugly little sneakers on and you not gonna meet a rich man catching a cab honey we catch cabs all day i don't catch the cabs because i'm not rich uh but she was a writer she was like a newspaper article writer and she had it she should have had three roommates oh you had a column she had she had a column okay oh you had a column a sex column a tiny column and she was able to afford $800 shoes and an apartment by herself with a walk-in closet she didn't have an extra she didn't have another job girl bye yeah girl lies Samantha should have been rich she was like she worked in PR right but she also Samantha had like a studio apartment I don't know if you remember that episode where like she got in she walked in and the bed was in front of the door

Yes, but then she moved to the meatpacking. Right. With the drag queens. Yes. Yes. But she should have been rich. Miranda should have been rich. She was a lawyer.

She was rich. Exactly. Charlotte should have been rich. She was like a socialite married to, I don't know, some fat Jewish dude. She was rich. Right. Carrie is the only person who doesn't fit that equation. I know.

She should have been. She had to borrow money from Charlotte. Now, let's get into that. Remember that episode? Let's get into that scene. Let's get into it. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Okay. So Carrie was She needed to buy Her Brownstone She needed to buy it

She had no money She had nothing Like no savings Nothing to her name But shoes She goes to Charlotte Who's just going Through a divorce

And she's gonna get Everything She's getting an apartment She's keeping a rent Yeah she was married To that doctor Yes That had a bad penis

Yes She got everything Right She You live on the upper Whatever side You're living life Right

Right Your friend comes to you Hey girl if i don't spend this amount of money i'm gonna lose this apartment charlotte was like wow that's terrible that's terrible she was like you know what i'm thinking about doing some volunteer work because i got all this time if that wasn't the realest situation i i don't know what that was the only thing that was real in that situation if my friend is rich and i asked for money and they are like girl you're grown as hell yeah you should have handled this yeah she was a cool 39

years old why are you guilt tripping your rich ass friend into like being your financial advisor now well because she was mad because the other girls offered to lend her money but they were just saying that that's one of the hey girl if you ever need some help call me don't call me but it's not my responsibility to help you with your finance like i have friends now i'll talk to them on the phone or we'll text because i don't really be talking yeah you lie and they were like she was like oh i i paid my rent this month and have no money left who said that a friend that's very poor and i was like you paid your rent in whatever borough she's in it's not she's not even in brooklyn you pay your rent in the bronx bitch report and yes but you paid your rent in the

you paid 750 and you that's all your money for the month yeah yeah i just i don't have any so what's she telling you for sis your friend don't know you cause you were the last person I would be like

breaking down I ain't got a dime to my name she was like I don't have any money for the month and I was like so what are you gonna do

why is she telling you also this is it's the beginning of the month you got 30 days to figure out how you gonna get food does she listen

to the podcast no I don't think girl you dumb girl you look dumb when you it's just like like y'all are like

we're too old for this like you don't have a rainy day stash I mean I don't think that you do but you're working on it Marie if I came to you and I was like girl I need to borrow $300 for what this is us having the conversation right now right and

go Marie I'm really down on my luck oh my god sis me you know everything with Adrian didn't pan out I'm not with her no more oh my god I'm out on my ass I have nowhere to stay oh my god i need 300 to pay this bill what bill um it's a bill i don't know what the bill is oh well sis i don't know what you want me to say um what's this bill what about my phone can you pay my phone bill

for me but where are you gonna stay i don't need a home if i got my fucking phone as long as i got some wifi i'm good home is where the wi-fi connects automatically where are you gonna stay i mean i was gonna ask you but i felt like that was too much so that's what i'm asking for honestly said i will let you stay with me for um a couple of days you hear what i'm saying yeah a couple of days and then you would let me just stay for a couple days couple days because i can't we can't work together and then live together yeah and a couple of days i feel like like you could be your isa ray sleeping on daniel's couch you're not gonna get in the bed with me like you're just i could do a couple days and then you gotta figure something else you're gonna give me a week

i would give you a week that's a couple of days but you're not getting sunday you're getting six days sunday is the lord's day you can't you can't say that and it's it's exactly that's exactly six days it's exactly like sis you got here on thursday at 603 is wednesday at 603 you have to go i would let you stay with me for a week and i would try to help you figure something out i just I feel like it's not good for us for you to live with me. No, no, no, absolutely. And it's not good for me in a relationship to live with somebody. Here I am.

If you needed to leave and come back, great. But you now, like, nah, dude, I couldn't. If we didn't work together, I still don't want you sleeping on my couch for a month. Like, remember when my sister did it for a year? You remember that? And it was like, I can't, you know, her name is still on the lease. Shout out to Lou. her name is on the lease and my name not on the list give it to my loose so technically i was

staying with her whoopsies um so real so fresh so real but she would stay with me during the weekend then she'd go home on the weekends and when she came home she'd like she'd go to my parents house and when she came back she always had like food for the week so it was like i was getting something something out of it i was eating really well when my sister stayed with me and then she stopped going home and it was like oh no you gotta go you have to leave i feel like after a certain age your friends are not putting up with the bullshit they just not like in your early 20s people are more ride or die but after 29 30 people are like i can't like you could stay with me for this amount of time there's mad restrictions i remember before like if something was to happen

yo whatever you need whatever however long you need yo let me know let me let me call such and shuts and see if i can get you a job here now people like well there is the unemployment office you need the address sis you need the the number to some shelters that's me i'll give you six days and then i'll be like here's a printout i sent you a screenshot of some shelters in the area um i didn't get it because my phone is cut off bitch because you didn't give me the three hundred dollars i'll be like your phone bill should not be three hundred dollars well it's it's actually this amount and then you know the extra leftover i need that for Yeah, no, I'm not.

No, see, I'm not putting you up and then giving you spending money. I got to give you an allowance? I'm my dad now? Nah, not even. What am I getting out of the situation? Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no, you're right.

You're right about it. I mean, I think I'm just re-evaluating everything because even just friendships, just knowing that situation with Carrie, it's like just because somebody's been your friend for so long they're not obligated to do anything that they don't want to yeah your friends don't owe you anything you should be friends with people who will be there and support you and like uplift you and blah blah blah blah and drive you to the airport yes those are real friends but at the same

time like a real friend will be like sis you gotta get your life together like you can't crash on my couch still be buying these thousand dollar sandals and not backing up your laptop or whatever the whole carrie was doing why couldn't she say why couldn't she ask big for the money he was a millionaire and that's the thing nobody wants to ask their significant other because it's like i don't need you to know how bad things are but my friends can know how bad things are but it's like you should have that same respect for the person you you you fucking but that's the thing too right is like people will bang somebody and then like not like people are okay with having sex with somebody but not okay with like being open with them in other ways right which is crazy to me

like if i'm letting you go if i'm letting you inside me i'm allowed to say whatever the hell i want to you right and i'm probably not going to because i don't want you to beat my ass and kill me but like i'm gonna i feel like you you should have the same energy yeah like the same energy that you got to like text somebody you up you should have the same energy to be like you up for buying me my apartment you ought to walk to the bank bitch like let's go let's go you up for stroll to chase the city bank i see it's a two blocks away from where you live you up to uh split that portfolio with me yeah diversify these dividends whatever i just feel like and women women are like we'll be we'll hold things back from our significant others yeah and men will

like men don't care i mean they don't say they'll fart in your face and be like ha ha ha well i've on you for a day so i feel like we're cool enough for me to do that to you or it's like you just came at me and now you're asking for fifty dollars are you fucking kidding me is it fifty dollars for the plan b yeah i mean if i'm asking you for plan b money i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna add to it it's gonna be an upsell i'm gonna be three hundred dollars i also need snacks because i'm gonna be home tomorrow thinking about why i did this you're gonna ask for three hundred dollars friend three hundred dollars is gonna hold you over i'm just gonna round the fifty dollar plan b up to three hundred dollars yeah yeah i feel like i deserve like a spa day self-care self-care

let's talk about self-care you've been doing it you've been taking care of yourself better i mean you had a yogurt for breakfast today so that no you're not really taking that's not bad what are you talking about what kind of yogurt was it it was uh the no a dannon dannon yeah you know what it is fruit at the bottom of the cup yes oh my fave that fruit is a strawberry that fruit is unrinsed you ate moist you ate you ate roaches those is beetles in there oh them beetles are juicy very berrylicious them roaches taste like strawberry no the fruit at the cup bottom never tastes like the actual food that it's supposed to be yeah fyi yeah i mean self-care is important i feel like uh you know riding my bike i hate the gym but you gotta go to that um you gotta go

get your palms read or whatever do whatever you need to do to just have a moment of time for yourself yeah i'm reading this book now because i'm back to reading um and uh the book was like it's talking about how to be like a better version of yourself and it was like affirmations which like i don't do because i'm not about to be wasting all my post-its to write i'm not about to be writing you're amazing and bright and beautiful you is kind you is smart you is important and put them all over my apartment i don't need that um but one of the things that uh was in there was it was just talking about we run around all day like we're late to this thing we're early to this thing blah blah blah and we don't take care of our bodies the right way right

like we don't eat like a lot of us don't eat the right amount of meals and we're not eating the right food but your body you live in this raggedy little body until you die so we just gotta take better care of what we put into our bodies and what we're like putting into our brains too it's crazy sis you can you tell that i've been reading a book written by a white woman i see you're trying to better yourself bitch okay you i feel like them anglo-saxon vibes are just like radiating from you i'm just look i'm just trying to have a good rest of my life that's it right like i'm trying to eat what i want to eat and take care of myself and i'm trying to be as honest as possible like career wise and in my personal life because you know i got into it with the people that like with my

management recently and it's just like why am I tiptoeing around the people who are supposed to be working for me right everybody but that's that's everybody literally everybody is so hard to say this is what I want because when you say what you want oh you a bitch what I'm telling you what you should be doing for me exactly that's all I'm doing I'm not a bitch I'm not a diva I'm being realistic I'm telling you what I need I'm not telling you to put me on a lineup with Tiffany Haddish but if you can fucking figure it out but I don't think that that's much to ask for if I feel like if I'm delivering

the talent then nigga make it work make it work also earn this 10% because like if I'm making money you're also making money

so help me make more money yeah so I just feel like that's something that like it's something that like as women we're taught to be nice to everybody

or like not be confrontational I don't know I don't know what the hell we're taught no it is I know that it is

me moving forward for the rest of whatever this is I feel like you don't tiptoe around anything so that was crazy to hear that thank you so much but not anymore like you just you're gonna get the real deal oh i don't know where this friendship is going this is gonna get real tough don't ask me for

300 i mean honestly marie you would probably be very low on the list of asking for money oh my god thank you so much oh wow like number 20 wow to ask you means everyone said no well if you're asking me then i know everybody said no and i know that you need it i'm probably still not gonna give it to you because i feel like i'm not gonna get the money back when i'm gonna get my money back hmm we gotta like draw something up we gotta get we gotta get our lawyer involved i feel like 300 is easy to give marie sydney i need 300 if i had it marie catch me catch me outside five years ago sis if you asked me yo I need $300 for real for real I would have get that five years ago it's 2018 now what I'm asking you for $300 right now do you have $300 and then if I gave you $300

when would you have it to give it back to me as soon as the deals come through that could be 2020 sis you know my rent is going up by 180 dollars told me that and i was like what in the what in the gentrification trader joe's what is going on it's crazy by 180 dollars in your building i'm sorry boo boo like i knew when they were when they fixed the intercom i said oh we got a new door oh the door is new as fuck i don't know anybody's name they're opening the door for the people who can afford more but then did you see then they moved the mailboxes like we got new it was like oh the dope we got new doors we got new mailboxes this ain't for the old people who live here this for the new folks it's not for the it's not for the uh the uh the rent stabilized folks it's for

the people it's you know it's for all the white people moving into the building yeah i told you they opened a sushi spot across the street and i was like what is this for the haitian people because haitian people not eating raw fish y'all not doing that no at all and if y'all are eating sushi y'all going there you're like let me see exactly what the chef is fucking doing over there it's like what kind of fish is this you guys got whiting back there catfish you got catfish yeah i like my catfish uh you know you see and you know the jamaicans wanted to be jerked so they're like is this what is spicy and it's no sushi is spicy no so i mean spicy tuna though spicy but that's not spicy i've never eaten that and been like oh i don't understand like no

spicy tuna is just the name yeah so that's rough this this front thing but i believe that our god will provide but also i would want to fight that because it's kind of like what are y'all doing for us that it should be more i told you i told they're trying to get us to leave so that other people can move in and they can jack the rent up even more like as i called them and they were like well you live close to the train and you live close to the park oh they had a list and i was I like when people are prepared. Yes, but I was like, I don't sleep on the train

and I don't sleep in the park. I sleep here. And I've been sleeping here for the last, what? Three years. Why am I spending more money to be in the same exact place? And what'd they say?

They were like, that's why we gave you enough notice. If you want to leave, you can go. That sounds like a you problem. Besa Kali. That's what they said to me. So what you gonna do sis?

I'm gonna wait until right before. Your roommate with the birds and shit, she cool with it and all? Yeah, my new roommate has two parakeets and she leaves the lights on for them damn birds. Bitch,

them parakeets better be ready to pay. They got extra jobs. She leaves the light on. Do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah, I hear what you're saying. They better know how to talk or something.

They better do some trips. Trips. Tricks. They don't have to start selling drugs or something because they're going to have to start pulling their weight. Or do a showtime

on the train. On the train. That sounds like actually a mouse. Well, I mean the mouse. He got to pull his weight too. Girl you're Dr. Doolittle In that bitch

I haven't seen my mouse In like two months Shut up It's gone He's dead It's dead He died For sure he died

I'm pouring a little Pulling spring out For Jerome My mouse's name was His name was Motown Motown Who was also Your fish's name

But Motown is the best Name for fish Both fish's name Were Motown Did you watch Insecure this week Yes Did you see that

Molly's dog's name Was Flavor Flav Yeah well I already knew that did you yeah because you because you part of the fan club you already knew yeah the first season but um i hate to put this out here but i'm tired of the bullshit insecure y'all got speeded up we on the third episode i'm tired you feel like it's too slow it's too slow i don't they're trying to draw it out as much as they can y'all are and i see what you're doing and it's lazy do better i'm ready for the juiciness like let's go it's only 30 minutes it's not an hour

show so what do you need what do you need to see to be happy like I need to find out what's going on with Amanda Seale's baby yes

that's coming the next episode well we need to hurry up and buy I need more episodes with Kelly oh Kelly and Warren

her beige assistant love her she was only in one episode two episodes now who else what else I need no more Joe

he can be gone Joe can go he can go and Daniel I'm tired of you too You can go with Lawrence I'm Like this ego

That you have You're too short for it You're Oh my First of all You're five foot two His playboy bunny blouse That he wore to the club

I was like What is happening It's a full sweater It's LA You know it's cold The clubs are cold She No no no no

She Everybody else around him Had on tank tops And like button downs He had on a full And it was Like buttoned to the top The entire time

He was in the club Producers have cardigans that's what it is I mean our producer doesn't have one today but I'm sure I've never seen Timbaland in a cardigan I've never seen Swiss Beats in a cardigan I mean maybe I've seen Swiss Beats in a cardigan but I've never seen

I don't know Metro Boomin if Young Metro I've never seen Young Metro in a turtleneck I've never seen Young Metro in a turtleneck can it happen please I don't even know what he looks like I'll fucking cry I've never seen Dark Child in a

cardigan oh my god dark child he was saying dark child because he didn't have a turtleneck on he was cold listen I just I don't so I want Insecure to do better I mean the second episode was just them at the club that was I did not need a full episode

of that garbage I was upset about that and then but you know not Insecure Atlanta did an episode where they were at the club for the entire episode and that was that's one of my favorite episodes of that show so Insecure was just trying to do the same thing it just they didn't do it the same way it was no good let me tell you if i'm vicariously living

through a show bitch give me action give me running give me sweating give me something it's like give you running and sweating y'all are in the bed and did you see she was eating in the bed and she just put the pillow on top of the she's nasty i like it um but you know it's just like what are good shows anymore? I want a good show. Okay, okay. I binged The Sinner the other day. I finished it this morning.

I've told that show I could not stop watching. I finished it this morning. I woke up and I watched the last episode this morning. And for me, I was like, oh, this is the best Jessica Biel has ever been.

Okay, let's take a step back. So The Sinner is, I don't know, it's on Netflix. It's Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake's wife. You know I hate him. so I but you know

just by default hated her too don't give don't give away everything I'm literally just giving the backstory on why I don't like Jessica Biel

so that anyway the show is about a woman who kills somebody

and then can't remember why she did it that's the show and it's the the whole show is just like trying to figure out it's snapped

it's snapped to the 12th degree it's great it's it was I was like are these when

oh my god it's so much and her face is so sculpted and gaunt it's like bitch have you got a carrot and year like she looks

she looks good yeah she looks great she looks like she's under duress yes she looks she played a fuck out of it and it was like

oh wow I could see her in something else but then can we talk about the dude the cop the detective and his weird life strange

strange that's what I like I like a show to give me enough where I'm gonna watch the next episode but mystery I want some mystery give me some I put clues

together did you put anything together for this I did actually we're going to talk about it after the podcast but I the whole time I was like yo watch the whole time I was like somebody got raped I don't want to give a spoiler alert

but nobody got raped I was like somebody got raped do I need to relax the show I was like that's the only reason why why would you why would you kill somebody like that But that didn't happen. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I thought that maybe was what was happening, too.

But the whole sister situation was messy. Her sister was, like, playing mind games and manipulating her. And it was, like, I'd have thrown my sister out the window real quick. I'd have flipped the whole twin mattress over. I would have killed her and put her in a blender and then soaked her. Had her like a smoothie. Wait, what? You know, I'm confused right now.

Anyway, it's a good show. Please watch it. it's like eight episodes it's amazing and you you will binge okay what else are you watching um what else am i watching i'm back to breaking bad which is weird what breaking bad yeah it's all these movies that are all these shows that show people in terrible lights but somehow you connect with them and you're like well let me see this journey you're like i'll sell some blue magic yeah not he's selling he's selling meth for his family he's like but then i feel like he made enough money and he just kept selling meth but that's the thing is like once you get a little

bit of money and a little bit of power what are you gonna do after and we all say well you're a bad person for continuing but it's like have you been in that situation yet i'm afraid to see marie getting tons of money getting booked everywhere you think she mean now but if I and I will be meaner I promise y'all that

if I start making money with my career then I'm just gonna keep making money with my career but selling drugs and making money and then like

still selling like that's not you can't compare the two of those things like if I'm doing it it's for good I'm not hurting I mean I'm hurting feelings

but I'm not hurting anybody with my comedy yeah selling drugs is a slippery slope because is it we're like if I okay let's we got a couple minutes left if i wanted to start selling drugs how do i even

like who who do i get these wholesale products from so that i can start selling drugs like where do i find first of all nobody would give you the drugs as you're like you're black you're getting pulled over immediately but what if i put the drugs in my ass i mean i don't think i could put all the drugs in my ass i have a small butt i don't know i just feel like you're you're too much you got you got the hair you're beautiful it's so you're saying that i can't be a drug kingpin no because i'm pretty yeah actually that's sex you already got too much attention around you anyway i need somebody low-key somebody bald somebody looks somebody with like a beer belly look disheveled wears a terrible shoe single mom yeah you is not it

i feel like i could be too hot like not just sexy but hot like the heat is on you people eyes are on you at all times people watching you need somebody who's a nondescript somebody who looked like everybody else like a fern mayo yes fern mayo yeah i know fern mayo i don't even know what the real actress's name but she was in jawbreaker her name was fern mayo seen her in a commercial bitch looks amazing she's like a professional best friend she was in 13 going on 30 as jennifer garner's best friend she's good she's in every movie every movie where there's a White actor, actress. She's the best friend.

She got a skinny nose. And she has like tired, sunken in eyes. But she looks great. She's really pushing. Look, shout out to Fern Mayo. She would be a great drug dealer. Actually. Fern Mayo?

Yeah, let me tell you. They should do a spinoff for her just being a drug dealer. They should do Weeds again, but her and meth. Selling it. No. Breaking Bad with Fern Mayo. I think people would watch it. Breaking Bad with Fern.

No. Oh, but then she worked in a greenhouse and she was selling meth from the greenhouse. Bitch, who's not watching that? I'm watching it. Is that weeds? Because I didn't see weeds. I haven't seen that. I'll tell you a show that I've been watching recently.

Rick and Morty. I just discovered this show a couple weeks ago and I watch it every day. Oh, well, let me tell you what happened. So I had been streaming it and my streaming website got taken down. No. That's where I stream all my movies on my TV. I was at the Comedy Cellar last week hanging out with our friend Mateo Lane and Sarah Silverman was there and they were having a conversation because they had just gotten off stage. And she was like, I really hope people are watching my show on Hulu and because Hulu won't release the numbers.

And I was like, listen, Sarah, if you give me your Hulu login info, I will watch your show. And she gave me her Hulu login info. And Mateo was like, what's happening here? I was like, don't you dare ruin this for me. so now i'm logged in on hulu in on sarah silverman's account and i made my own little profile it's called sarah's friend marie and that's what i've been watching rick and morty on and i did watch her show i mean i turned it on and i went and took a shower and let it run but like just so she knows shout out to sarah do you remember the password i mean since i have it

in my phone i'm not giving it to y'all on the podcast so y'all can mess up my queue i'm talking about me but i already got hulu you already have hulu yeah but just in case something happens and Just in case I don't make it home tonight. Listen, if you ask me for $300, I'll give you Sarah Silverman's password instead. And I will sell it on Twitter for $300. Why would you do that to me? Terrible.

I wouldn't. I wouldn't. And Sarah, don't worry. Shout out to Sarah Silverman. Sarah, your fucking password. Mind you, never met her until that night when she gave me her Hulu password. I was like, I really like her.

That's such a story. I love her. Don't you love somebody when they give you something? You don't love somebody more. the person who gives you a fucking charger someone gives you a stick of gum or a hair tie or a tampon those are the people that you're like oh my god bitch you my

bitch forever forever or the person who gives you a ride home so the ride the tampon the piece of gum the charger and the password for free the Hulu the HBO Go the Netflix those are people like the Netflix account that I'm on I think it's my cousin's

ex-girlfriend and I have a profile on that too yeah but those the people who do that yo I'm riding and dying for you Like you wanna roll up On an ex Let's go In your Uber account

Okay add that too You gotta Uber Uber When someone gets you When they get you A ride from their Uber Woo

I might even just Suck a dick a little bit No You suck a dick A little dick You suck a dick For an Uber ride No

Will you suck dick for gum Will you suck dick For a tampon No Will you suck dick For an HBO Go password Oh never I've never had to

And never will Okay But what if Adrian Kicks you out and you really need that $300. Well, you suck a dick for $300. I would suck her dick to get back into the house, okay? Shout out to Adrienne and everybody who's listening

and talking to her. It's great. Thank you. Y'all should all get hit by a bus today. No, no, no, no. Not die, but just have a bad couple weeks. No, no, no, no. I hope your foot gets thrown over by a little truck.

It's honestly for the best because it's like, bitch, you know, do better. You? not everybody need to know your personal business I don't even remember what you shared that was so offensive

I mean and you've gotten in trouble about this before so I don't even know why you're I can't talk about weddings I can't talk about anything anymore

so I'm just gonna be talking about shows I'm watching now hope you're ready for that okay and and going forward I have to talk

more positive about myself on the podcast because you know people coming up to me about that as well they're like

oh my god Yeah, I feel like you're very hard on yourself on the podcast. Wow. And I was like, what you don't know is that I think I'm better than you. These are facts. I just don't project that because I'm humble on the podcast. I love that. I love it.

And shout out to Sean in D.C. He came to see me at a show that I did last Thursday down in Washington, D.C. And sat in the front row with his friend. And he was like, I listen to your podcast. I love you so much. You guys are so great. Yum, yum, yum. Shout out to him.

Sean you're great I hope to meet you one day you know why don't you just drive your ass down to New York City and come to the show

you know I don't even have a date for it but yeah it's fine September 29th or something yeah yeah yeah 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th

we love you so much this has been a beautiful episode with Forever Dog I can't wait are you gonna say Forever Dog every single time we do this podcast now

just for today next time we come here you're gonna do the same exact thing I promise you I won't okay next week we're in Vegas so come see us

if you're in Las Vegas yes we the show dates will be the 5th and the 6th of September legit come

bring money take us to an all you can eat buffet we want food all we want is food yeah you can come if you're ugly

come if you're cute come if you're short come if you're tall make sure you have gum a charger your Netflix account no I don't need a tampon

I need an HBO Go I'll bring a tampon bring a tampon we can sync up and then get us an Uber after the show leave your dick at home don't even bring your dick just bring everything bring gum bring a charger bring tampons uh bring everything bring a loose bag of weed and then leave your dick at

home or you can bring your dick but just put it in like a in a makeup bag so like only bring it out when it's necessary it's not gonna be necessary leave your dick at home sydney always happy to see you friend your braids look gorge thanks and you're just i see you looking for a compliment you know let's just go because you're like and you're just your clavicles

you're shining your complexion looks amazing it sounds like you just called me oily no you look great your shoulders are popping that's because I haven't been to the gym

and I'm losing all of my muscles no I'm telling you they're great thank you so much thanks guys shout out to Forever Dog bye guys

bye forever dog this has been a Forever Dog production executive produced by Brett Boehm Joe Cilio

and Alex Ramsey for more original podcasts please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you get your podcasts keep up with the latest forever dog news by following us on twitter and instagram at forever dog team and liking our page on facebook