MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Sydnee & Marie's Update Episode

Episode Date: June 2, 2017

No guest this episode but the ladies want listeners to hear what plans they have for the show as they look to take things to new levels.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hello welcome to the unofficial expert with sydney it's marie it's supposed to be sydney and marie but you said it's marie well i was still singing and you just started talking anyway hi guys how's everybody doing that's listening to this right now i'm super excited to be here this is the unofficial expert you know the show where we smart as hell and then everyone that we have on the show is pretty dumb no we've learned some things these are facts no aren't we doing something different we're trying to be more positive saying something nice like yeah but that doesn't start once a week yeah but today's thursday or friday i feel like we should always start off with something positive and then we should end in like negative okay so say something

positive your neck looks nice wow um okay all right and i'll say something nice about you i cannot see your dandruff from here wow marie i feel like you don't get what the point of what we're trying to do it's like we're trying to be nice sydney that once a week nice okay well let's tell people why we want to do this because um i think if you've listened to we've done maybe 30 episodes at this point yeah and uh whenever you listen to the podcast i feel like you know we have a good time we be clowning people we make fun of people's uh you know whatever and then uh people see me later and they'd be like marie you said some really mean stuff and i'm like are you sure it wasn't sydney's voice no it was you definitely you listen sydney you say mean things also i've

seen you be mean in real life in real time in and outside ubers in and outside comedy clubs to people that we know who like maybe dress a little bit funny like you'll be saying mean things okay can you give give the people an example of me being mean sure uh um somebody had on shoes that you didn't agree with and you were like uh is that a sacconi and you were like And then you don't even call them Zaconis, you call them Zaconis. So the person was like, is this a different brand than the ones I thought that I bought? And you're like, I don't know, Zaconi? Well, you definitely can't talk to me.

And is that a sketcher? You shoe shame regularly. I do. I think that's a part of my comedy, you know? Yeah, but also like off the stage, you make fun of people who wear sketchers too. I think I'm very on brand. I think that's what that's about. I mean, yeah.

I mean, you're consistent. But I give people hugs and I tell people nice things about themselves daily. So am I allowed to be mean if I hug you after? No. I think you should just try to find the good, like for one day, just nothing but goodness all day. So Sydney and I are doing this new thing. It's going to be like summer Fridays or smile Tuesdays or something where we're going to

be completely positive for 24 hours. So no negative thinking. I mean, I feel like I should be allowed to think negatively still. Nope, nope. But if something pops into my head and I'm like, I wish you'd die tomorrow. You know what I mean? But that's tomorrow. That's not on the nice day.

Oh, God. That should count. People, this is going to be a tough one. I really want to push Marie into the nice zone. That's where I want you to be. Sydney, you don't even live in the nice zone. It's because I've been hanging out with you. That's a damn lie.

Everybody's like, wow, you've been hanging out with Marie a lot. you're welcome you're welcome so much um yeah so this is something that we're going to try we want to you know we feel like this is something that other people can also participate in yes like some people have you said you used to have like a negativity jar or something yes i did i would put a dollar in every time i would say something negative about myself or about a situation that i'm in and at the end of it i did it for like a week or so and it was 97 it was a lot of money it was stupid i mean why a dollar it's just a dollar just because that's doable and i always have like loose change in my purse so like a dollar is how much how much do you think was

in the thing at the end of the week i think it was probably like 50 something 50 something dollars yeah i don't have 50 dollars in my house like 50 singles in my home and then i took the money and i i donated it i donated it to an organization that's a damn lie i did an organization called Sidney needs to get some new Steve Madden shoes. Marie, I really did. I had to do some community service for some... For sisters that need new weaves? No, I participated in this thing with kids who have cancer,

and I donated to them. And it was a lot of dirty dollars, and they were like... What do you mean dirty dollars? Like cocaine dollars? Hey, whatever was in my purse at the time. dirty aren't all dollars dirty though no but they looked real janky but they took it they took it they like put their gloves on and took my cash so how do you find an organization organization like this because i mean i'm obviously not gonna put a dollar in a bucket because i need my money

um but like how do you find an organization like a group like this just to donate to it just so happened that my friend uh my friend maggie chang who always she always listens to the podcast she has an organization called uh the orange giraffe and it's a non-profit and she makes jewelry or like weave stuff for people with cancer oh so hair no like she'll do like friendship bracelets that's what i did i made friendship bracelets with these i feel like if i had cancer i would just want somebody to get me like a really cute bob wig you know what i mean like a someone with a bang not everything has to do with vanity marie okay that's fine but if i listen i don't think i would look cute bald i have a brother we already know what he looks like he's a handsome gentleman and

he did our show before but he wouldn't look good with hair either anyway shut up i feel like you being bald i feel like a lot of people would try to hit on you they'd be like yo what's up young man you like deli meat you would have a lot of no if i was bald people would be like she's dying for sure marie's dying i would just start a go fund me and it would just be a picture of my face they wouldn't even have any words it would just be like give me money and they'd be like oh she's ill into who uh we have a great guest today uh we got amazon's alexa is here it's the dot yeah because amazon has this really cool product that they they wanted us to review and then we didn't but i've been using it all week we've been yelling

at it and calling it terrible things so let's just see if she'll say hello hi alexa say hi hi there alexa's giving that computer love yeah but the thing is is that you can't take alexa into certain homes because we you took it to your we brought alexa to my mom's haitian ass house and your brother was just saying really ridiculous things he was like alexa you like that long strong and she said i don't have an opinion on that she just curbed you he was like alexa you like that wet wet i don't have an opinion on that so she don't have no opinions she uh she's asexual she don't

want none of that i don't have an opinion on that alexa are you a lesbian i just think of everyone as friends basically everyone is in the friend zone she just curbs sydney that was so good good for you alexa alexa do you like black people i don't look at the world like that that means no that means no that means she calls the cops on niggas daily i think they're doing drugs downstairs police and the unit yeah it was fun i mean we've been playing music with it i mean finding out the weather we didn't do the thing we were supposed to do with alexa we're gonna do that right after this marie okay well let's just get the weather real quick for the weekend alexa what's the weather for this weekend

here's the weather in brooklyn for this weekend friday 76 degrees and intermittent clouds Saturday, 76 degrees and partly sunny weather. That's cute. Sunday, 72 degrees and clouds and showers. So there will be no booty shorts this whole weekend for me. Well, I mean, you can do booty shorts with like a sweater tied around your waist. No, I'm all set. I'm going to wait.

I want it to be a good 90 degrees when the booty shorts come out. You need 90 for the booty shorts? Yeah, I feel like I've already broken the booty shorts out. That's because you're a whore. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. This is my thing. I might say negative things

but when people try to say negative things to me I always say thank you I make it seem like they complimented me I make them think, well what did I just say to Marie just now because she seemed real pleased Well Marie, I went to your house and the way you guys show each other love is very strange

I mean you guys just roasted each other the whole time I was waiting for something nice to be said and the only thing that was nice was that the food is good, that's it uh yeah that's all that matters we eat good we laugh good that's why my family's so skinny yeah i mean i was like i gotta take a nap from all this roasting i couldn't even get involved that's just what my life is you come in somebody be like what up chubby and then like that's the

conversation that's how conversations start in my house and it's like you have something funny on somebody will be like why you got that dusty ass morgan freeman hat on and then everyone just roast everybody but i thought everybody's families were like that i mean the thing is about it well in my family if you talk about someone bad or poorly like a real fight will start out like a real fight will pop off like my niece threw a tray table at me before so a tray table yeah oh y'all doing bad yeah eating in front of the tv yes we do you were eating one of them lean cuisine tv dinners it was very king of the hill that's why y'all throwing tables because y'all very king of the hill y'all very poor i mean we pour in my house but we're rich in you know uh roast jokes

and food too i mean yeah you had a you had a whole fish in your freezer oh yeah whole like that's because my brother's friend brother randy is a fisherman and he just like throws whole fish in my mother's freezer it was very it was very interesting to be there i was just like observing and i was like oh this is why marie is so dope no this is why marie uh doesn't like hugs uh doesn't accept things like i love you doesn't like anybody touching her i love you those yuck let me tell you the three most important words that you can ever say in my house did you eat oh so sexy so romantic so uh all you men out there listening to the podcast give marie food listen pull up pull up on me outside like hey girl did you eat if more men led with that instead of your that ass fat

If more men just said, excuse me, miss, did you eat? I feel like the world would just be a happier place. People would like catcalling. I know. Well, I was inside Checkers today, and the guy was trying to holler at me. He didn't even offer to pay for my mozzarella sticks at all. Right. And that's like a whole four quarters.

Exactly. That's like $1.09 after tax. But the good thing is, is that because my curving skills are so good, I was able to give him a business card of the podcast. Ah, that's right, listeners. We real professional. We got business cards. now business cards it's me and sydney it says the unofficial expert podcast on it and then it just has all our uh social media on it yeah we're trying to take this thing worldwide baby listen

i mean listen the the the first live show that we did was so much fun it was so freaking good that we were like we should just do this all the time yeah so we're trying to work that out right now just get in the proper space i mean the first show was so set up properly because we had a couch we had like an end table bitch we had an end listeners we had an end table some of y'all listening to this right now don't even know what an end table is they're like is that the edge of the table no it's not it's like a little table where you put magazines and podcast equipment that's what it is marie we were working on being nicer i'm trying to tell people what it is okay let me say something about being nice being nice means that you're also not hounding people

because that's not nice you saying marie we're trying to be nicer is not nice i'm just trying to center you i'm already centered my balance good my core strong well marie uh we didn't even talk about our expertise did you have one this week uh yes this week i was an expert at uh dodging dick but not dodging fingers oh what happened that means i went and i have a you know i got a bad back i got this uh mild scoliosis i know that's super sexy to some of you guys listening right now uh but what that means is uh i went to get a massage and the dude who gave me my massage was very handsy okay like the massage was very law and order sv shiatsu massage he was very like he was all up on my fuzzy ass bikini line i was like wow i was like sir are you my boyfriend name

He was touching your pubes? My pubes? Pubes. That's nasty. It was a full body. I was like, so right here for my shoulder? And he was like, yeah, I'm going to get to that in a minute. So he touched that pumbkash.

The pumbkash. He touched my kit kat. Wow. He was like, break me off the piece. So now your back is still out of whack. But your labia, though. My wet wet doing. is like

shaking in a corner back and forth in the dark like what we didn't do that to us I feel violated or maybe he touched her back and he was like oh I know what you need I know what you want Alexa what do I need

sorry I'm not sure about that yeah she don't know either she doesn't know Arthur Marie has no idea Alexa you suck Oh my god Maybe he felt he could feel the tension In your neck and he was like Thanks for the feedback

He touched like all the tension In your shoulder he's like you want this word Girl It was just funny because or maybe funny is not the right word Maybe it's scary It was just scary Were you really scared Marie Let me set the scene

So sis I get there i haven't been to get a massage in like a year so i don't even remember what i'm supposed to do when i get there i get in the little room he was butt ass naked or not i was like should i leave my timbs on like i was really confused i was like should i remove my timberland boots oh my god i get there i take all my clothes off i always leave my underwear on though i'm not free balling at the spa yeah especially if you're like i look at the little tissue paper if it or the cloth they'll be on i'm like if i don't have enough like thread count i can't right it feel thin it felt yeah so you know you do that and then you're supposed to like lay down under that sheet

and i get under the sheet and uh i was like damn i got the worst panties that i own on right now the baggiest granny's on the baggiest was it was it the christmas edition no it was christmas edition yeah because sometimes i've worn like holiday panties oh i mean listen it doesn't matter what the did you have spongebob or not no i didn't have my cartoon joints on i didn't have my marvel comic panties no wasn't wearing my wonder woman draws i had ones they were just like like it was like a cream so you already know about a color that they were like old lady panties and uh i was like no one's gonna see these and then he rolled my panties down to massage my butt are you serious yes he rolled my baggie he said she don't even need mine you don't even need these

he rolled my baggie jenko panties down he said you know what these these belong in the garbage these are trash he was trying to roll them down and throw them away oh girl i was like i was real caught off guard i was like did you just massage my side boob it was a lot he touched your boob outside boo what a lucky man dude i know and then i didn't see his face but he's touching my entire body and i was like he's like roll over i was like you want me to get on top girl yeah and then but i hadn't seen his face yet and i said well maybe he'll be cute right so i roll over and we lock eyes and i was like is that your outside face yeah that's his work face boo he looked like asian morgan freeman so that's a no for me and jerry so did his fingers

touch the garden of eden yeah no there wasn't no penetration i didn't get a happy ending or anything like that i mean i'm sure he was happy when it was over i was like did he have finger condoms on i don't know is that what let's be inspired so yeah i don't want my fingers to get herpes i don't know if fingers can get herpes uh alexa can fingers get herpes sorry i'm not sure about that oh she's not getting no ass that's why alexa got aids um she's like i don't care i'm dying yeah i don't have any white blood cells i don't care about finger herpes um anyway so that that's what happened it cost me 38 plus a 10 tip that they insisted

on. Because they knew what he was doing. They're like, yo, you got to hit off, girl. You need to give him 20%. I was like, he finger-popping people back there. And they were like, yeah, you should be giving more. They were like, do you want his schedule? Do you want to know when he's here? And I was like, no, I don't want his schedule. And then I was like, is he here on Thursdays after 2?

Oh my God, Marie. Yo, you got a man now. Yeah, that's my boyfriend. You got a man, got a man, got a man, got a money good man. And you're saying yes. So that's what I was an expert at this week. It was, you know, falling into strangers' fingers. Sydney, what were you an expert in this week?

I was an expert in taking care of myself. I finally went to the dentist. Haven't done that in a minute. Okay. But I went to the poor man's dentist. I went to NYU Dentistry. So it's a school for people who are not even a dentist yet. Yet students learning how to be a dentist.

Yeah. But I don't know if other states do that. But if you're listening to this and you need to go to the dentist and you ain't got no money, check out your local college school of dentistry yeah so i went there it was packed at 8 a.m it was ridiculous i was people got to get up early to see the dentist yeah i was sitting next to a woman who had a service dog and i was like but you can't even see you get your teeth done without your dog here that's how bad her breath was nah the dog looked like help me please get me out of like the dog is the one who told her that like a tooth died in her mouth that was like

the dog was like yo if you could just get me out of here the dog looked like it was like an underpaid unappreciated mother of three it was crazy wow the the dog is tired of being a service dog okay so you should have saved the dog that would have been nice well i was thinking about the dog the whole time but then i was also thinking about i was like yo i haven't been to the dentist in a minute i wonder if they gotta extract a tooth so i go in there and first of all the girl the the fake dentist or the dentist in training had a hickey on her neck i was like ah no dog damn she had a hickey are we still doing hickeys in 2017 that's how young she was oh man and i said you gonna tell me about my teeth meanwhile you couldn't hit the neck with

a little cover girl cover girl no let maybe lean base on your neck wow that's crazy yeah so then you know they're asking me all these questions they're like you know when's the last time you went to the dentist i was like uh over 10 years ago i was whispering because i was very embarrassed and she was like you said over 10 years ago uh so like 2006 i did it when i was on my mother's insurance so shit i know bad yes that's like 90 98 anyway so i'm whispering it and then somebody else came in the room she's like she hasn't been to the dentist in over 10 years like yelling i was like i'm whispering because i'm embarrassed she's like no judgment it's fine so then she gets to the well have you had any like surgeries or anything i was like yep got my boobs done

twice he's like oh you're getting titties but not working on your teeth you're a fool i mean like priorities man like people can see boobs that's true yeah i was like well once you have titties you honestly don't even need teeth i was i would laugh with a grin that's what i'll do i'll just grin well i feel like if you got your boobs done bigger than you would have got somebody to pay for your teeth yeah these are very like pay for your own shit titties yeah those are very they're very realistic they're very natural looking your boobs don't look fake i think a lot of times people don't even can't even realize that your boobs are fake yeah but the problem is is i have to pull out my card every time i have these titties and i just feel like you don't

really present them like you want people to pay for things oh really marie and how do i do that it should be like push up pushed up to your chin oh i should wear one of them outfits that you wore when you were in dc oh people when i tell you marie went to this party and i was not ready i was like marie what you wearing a little little little top and a little top and little skirt I said, okay, okay, let me see what you recommend. This beach came in with a Hervé Lejeune bralette. That's not even what I had on. You had a Hervé Lejeune bralette.

It was a bra and a skirt that like, what was it? You wrapped it around three times. It was a fringe skirt that was too big that I had to roll up. It was a piece of fabric that she had to pin together. Shut up, Sydney. It was a zipper on it and everything. It was a two piece. It was a black.

It was on theme. It was on brand. People didn't even know how to act They were like did I see a nipple Like they were going crazy Is that a nipple Go ahead listen Listen to this please

Pause the podcast right now And go ahead and log on to the Unofficial expert Instagram page And you'll see exactly what I had on I was completely covered You were naked There were no nip slips or nothing Meanwhile I had like a Met Gala long dress

With a slit to her clit Cindy had her leg out the entire night looking, just serving Angelina Jolie leg. I was trying, it was Angelina Jolie's struggle leg. Like, the whole time, I was like, let me cross my legs so nobody see what's going on. And you know I didn't shave, because I was like, I'm going to D.C.

Ain't nothing happening down there. They're like, boosh. Anywho. Cindy was serving Angelina Jolie's dad in D.C. Wow. You were saying I look like Billy Bob Thornton or whatever? No, that's her. her dad is john voight i feel like the dude from enemy of the state the mean one that's her dad

that's her dad yeah wow i had no idea yeah they're estranged though anywho i'm in the dentist and you know i told him i got my boobs in twice so every time somebody came in the room she just kept saying like she hasn't done her teeth in over two years like over 12 years and i was like i can't believe she keeps telling him but i was only doing x-rays so she wasn't even gonna do surgery or anything on me yeah she was like 12 and had a hickey and she probably had like smiley faces on her nails or something yeah she's like this is my last day i was like oh freshman year that's why she was like i'ma roll in with a hickey because it's my last day yo hickey what yeah i was like when was the last time you saw a hickey before you went to the dentist like i haven't seen

one since you know flavor of love was on tv that's how long ago i feel like it was i think i saw a hickey like two years ago and i was like that ain't a hickey that's like syphilis or something that's like a skin rash oh that's a leopard i was like that's a leprosy yeah like i was like nobody does hickeys anymore she got old testament disease but being there and just seeing this girl like working towards whatever she wants in her life i was like damn yo i did not utilize school at all oh school is um probably going to college is probably the biggest mistake i made um in my life really yeah it was an expensive ass mistake i should have gone to you know like a community ass like city college like i should have gone to like itt tech and learned heating

and air or something like i went to school for something that i don't use and now i'm a comedian and i don't get paid for that really i mean i'm starting to get paid for that you are you're like you're doing great things yes i'm paying all of my bills with comedy but like i'm dodging sally may or navient or whoever the hell they are now yeah they'd be like you owe us uh money for the month and i'm like i just paid last month oh i mean i just talked to some girls that were 21 year old 21 year olds and they were uh they were in college and i was just like listen just save all those books like read as much as you can like learn like obtain everything so you don't want so when you leave you don't feel stupid like i can't remember any of the things that i learned in

college it's not about remembering it girl college is this this is what i think i think that they make us go to college so that we get into debt and then we are forced to work to pay that debt off and never have our own wealth i feel like that's what college is it's like it's a trick it's a catfish it's a business it's a catfish it's a trickery and but i mean some people go to college and they use their degree and i just feel like if once you figure out what you want to do you definitely have to use it i know so many people who went to college and have jobs now in completely different fields than what they went to school for and it's like dude you could have just like you could have just been a phoenix you could have got a drive you

would have saved money and you'd still be working where you work you could have went to boricua college you know the abc college you know what i mean like college is like it's a scam yo like it's a racket you sound bitter i am bitter you sound bitter marie i should have dropped out i had a conversation and sydney was there it was it's like sydney and like a couple other girls and we were talking and everyone in the conversation had dropped out of college and they were all making more money than i'm making right now and i finished and i was like dang you know what they're doing no adrian dropped out and she's making money phyllis dropped out she's making money you dropped out and you're making money yeah as a waitress though yes but you still

making money dude like if you were smart you would have saved more i would have saved so much money and i i think that that's what you should learn in college as well especially in your you gotta learn that in high school save your money and then you'll know by the time you graduate from high school that you're in college because you can't save money if you go away to college sally may be calling me i have her on the blocked list on my phone didn't your brother tell you that you guys gonna take out a loan to pay your loan i was like what no i'm taking another loan out to pay a loan i was like you so yeah but that's just a dumb haitian man oh my god my brother was one of those reading rainbow kids no i just feel like you know when i saw those girls

i was like i can't believe that i went i actually went to school for four years and i there's so many experiences i went through but you went for four years four i don't know why i thought you were only there for like two or three you went for four and then just didn't follow through well i was in massachusetts which sounds awful yeah it was i mean it was the first time away from home right um i was like ramona can't tell me what to do and what time i need to be in the room like yo i was out talking to people meeting people banging people going apart i didn't really bang a lot of people in college what's a lot of people in the four years i probably bang like four people okay you don't believe it don't believe you just okay i i was i had a

boyfriend when i went to college i was banging him he don't count what do you mean he don't count he doesn't count because i i got him before i even got on campus okay that's out of state dick so that didn't that no oh okay you're not in the state oh okay so it's one of those what happens in massachusetts stays in massachusetts no no no i'm saying i went to college with a boyfriend so the first year listen women will come up with an excuse to not count a terrible why i gotta lie why i gotta lie okay so go ahead so okay so i had him and then um maybe three four months after that we broke up and i met another dude hooked up with him okay hook up means like no we had sex okay then met a guy who was in philadelphia went to temple hooked up with him okay that's in one year

yeah and so it's three in one year but you told me it was four no but i held on to these guys oh yeah so i was going back and forth between philly and the massachusetts dude and then the last year because i was going through a lot i hooked up with a freshman yeah you were going through and i got a uti from him yeah i'm sure you did because he was probably like in there like a rabbit oh my god and i was like oh i never want to be this young again like it was terrible did you hook up with any women when you were in college no actually wow yeah it was crazy. I feel like that's where people say you're supposed to do that. Nah, I was still

really black at the time, so So, I don't know what that means. I was like, gay? What? No way. You were like, am I a gay? No way. But you had already kissed a girl before that. Yes. But I wasn't really talking about it. And then after college, yeah,

it got wild. It was like, Percocet, Molly Percocet, I was being Percocet, Molly Maskell, fucking Maskell. I was, yeah i was hitting ladies left and right and then i was i took a break i was like i was like i don't know if this is really me yo you still trying to find yourself is that that there's nothing wrong with emory oh okay that's not gonna make me laugh less wow that's so funny i just i don't know i feel like um we learn from mistakes i'm doing a show

next week and the theme is I have to write a letter to myself and read it and it's called The Best Mistake I Ever Made. Who show is this? I don't know, but it's at Joe's Pub, so it's going to be real cute. Oh my God, that's great. Wait, you don't know who's show that is?

I don't know the name off the top of my head. You know I'm not good with names or faces or people or niceness. I'm going to come there and show my face. Great show. The Best Mistake I Ever Made. I was like, I don't know. The Best Mistake I Should Have Made was dropping out of college when I got there with my little mini fridge that's what I should have done but I didn't do that what's the best mistake you've ever made do you even know the best mistake

I've ever made yeah uh that's like a real thing I don't know what I would say that it is I would say the best mistake I ever made was see it's hard think about it like if you're listening to this you should like leave us a comment like after you subscribe tell us what the best mistake is that you've made you got to tweet us or like leave us a comment on the unofficial expert instagram page the best mistake i ever made was like waitressing because i kind of just fell into it i was like i just wanted i just need to get money because i left school and i didn't have anything and i was staying in my friend's apartment in the projects in the project in my project that's in their projects oh yes and it was like it was 70 people living in that place no yeah i was like the the

roaches was like you putting five on it like what like it was it was wet it was crazy alexa say boo zoinks zoinks yeah so um so i kind of fell into it and like i've met so many people yeah from waitressing but the problem is that i i got addicted to you know drugs and alcohol and i wasted a lot of time and money and money and i made a lot of choices that i was like dude it's funny stories now but looking back at it i was like shit man like i should be dead i could have died like on some real stuff like the that time that i got roofied i couldn't believe that that freaking happened Have we talked about that time on the podcast?

The time you got roofied? I think so. But you laughed at it. So it wasn't, you know, it wasn't serious. It was so funny. See, they got roofied. It was hilarious. Well, what happened was I went to, I was going to clubs by myself a lot because I was tired

of waiting for my friends. See, that's like, that's crazy to me. Why? Because people try, like you're an attractive woman. You out, you, it's not like you sitting there and not drinking and getting like turned up. People see you. like you're not afraid that somebody's gonna finger pop you at the club i mean it can also happen at the spot it can happen at the spot but i i knew all the bartenders i knew the security

guard i was going to clubs that like people knew me and i was very well known like in the circuit you know so yeah they were like look at her look at her look at her and you're like i love this song yeah that was me so i was all i always felt secure i you know i know how much to drink well No, I did not. No, that's not what you did. I felt like secure in myself that nobody was going to try anything stupid. And the one night that I wasn't even drinking that much, I put my beer down, chatted it up with the bartender, walked away for a second, came back, drank the beer some more. Wait, you left the beer at the bar?

You see, that's where you messed up, sis. Sis, that was on you. Yeah. First of all, why would you not take the beer with you? Beer's not even heavy. Because I was dancing. Yeah, you can dance with a beer in your hand. I see people do it.

I see Puerto Rican people do it all the time with their caronas. They be like. Yeah, but. They be like, dance, passito. They're twirling and doing the whatever with their beer in their hand. I was just really surprised that I knew. Well, no, I wasn't surprised because I had tried Rufy before. So I knew the feeling of it.

And soon as I started feeling weird, I was like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. this is really happening so who do you think roofied you because it doesn't seem it was probably a dude who saw that you were there by yourself no but it was a gay party it was all it was all gay men okay that doesn't mean anything maybe a gay dude put it in because he thought it was another dude dude's beer and then you maybe they were like or maybe he thought you were cute and then you turned around and he was like oh that's a chick i wasted my roof on that man that lady yeah there's so many possibilities but i'm sure when it happened

he was probably upstairs waiting like damn this nigga not passed out yet he's like uh no there's a bitch downstairs passed out he's like well gotta go let me call my car sir gotta go zoinks zoinks yeah so i was down i was i went in the basement of the club because i was like so confident that i was like you know what i'm just gonna pee this out the basement okay you see this sydney this story that you're telling us sounds very um white woman in a lifetime original movie because possibly everything that you're doing if i was watching it on tv i'd be like you're so dumb oh man every time i tell the story i'm just like whenever you see a girl in a scary movie and they're running up the attic it's like why are

you doing that or they're running in the woods it's like you're in the woods nobody can hear you You couldn't find like a dark corner on the main floor that you could have peed on? No. And I'm just lucky that nothing happened at all. It sounds like nothing happened at all. No, nothing, nothing. And it was kind of like at the end of the day, like nothing happened. I had pulled my pants down and everything.

That's crazy. I was laid underneath the toilet like, ¿Qué pasa? Like, what? ¿Qué pasa? yeah i guess that was my worst yeah waitressing just it got me into the world of like best mistake ever i don't know what my best mistake ever was i don't know i mean i'm i mean i really haven't been thinking about it even though the show is like in exactly a week less than a week because it's like next wednesday so i have to write it's five to eight minutes

okay so you have to write the whole thing out they want me to read it i'm like can i just perform five to eight minutes can i do like a tight eight minute set they're like you have to read a letter you got it ma i think you got it i don't know dude i think you got yo marie is like you are the expert of pulling stuff out your ass and making it look like it was prepared for like 12 years oh yeah right this has been marinating uh this has been uh you know sitting on the back you're so good like you were last minute lassie and you know how to like work it i mean i work best under pressure you do so i'm gonna write the letter on tuesday i've seen you in like short notice you're like where i'm gonna find this video it's like bitch you already had the video

that's how prepared you are it's just crazy i mean that's that's just the way that my life is right now hopefully one day i'll settle down and figure out how to be a big like a mature adult and figure my life out you know what i mean yeah i mean maybe maybe not speaking of getting uh your life together whatever do you have any summer goals yes my goal for the summer is to go on 30 dates that's my entire goal for the summer is um because you know i'm single af uh except i don't really know if i'm single now because i have i got the masseuse dude i'm that's my man now but i uh yeah i uh i set this i have this idea in my mind that i want to go on 30 dates in 30 days um not 30 days straight because you know i got shows and i'm busy and sometimes i need a night

off but i'm gonna do 30 days this summer with 30 people that i don't know and um i maybe i'll wear 30 different wigs i'm not sure what looks i'm gonna be serving but uh that's the plan i'm gonna vlog before the date and then i'm gonna vlog after and then i'm gonna wait until the end of all the dates and then i'll i'll load all those videos online and the catch is um i'm gonna be finding some of these dudes for you so i'm gonna look at your profile and i'm gonna help you well that's the thing that people don't know and people don't believe about me is i don't do any of the apps like i don't have tinder i've never been on bumble or okay cupid or none of these websites and people are like how and i'm like i'm pretty so i don't do any of that stuff because i don't

need to but i want to do this because i feel like it'll be some interesting ass stories because i'm sure some of the men will be awful terrible someone's gonna show up in the middle of july in like a leather jodeci vest and i feel like it's gonna be funny i feel like as a waitress you think it's gonna be funny but i've served so many tinder dates or like app dates and it always turns out so bad like the guy will have three dates set up that whole night for like in the same place i'm like you are bold joseph you are so bold and then like they'll be sitting there and they're talking and you would think like something's gonna pop off like oh she gonna she gonna pull her titty out like they've been drinking and they she's had like three

vodka sodas already and it's only 6 30 and then she'll be like well gotta go bye and he's like that's it yeah yeah that's it i'm all about shutting somebody down you guys sit them them vodka sodas on a full stomach real slow they won't hit you before exactly they won't hit you until you leave i had one guy that like he would come every week and uh he's like listen i'm gonna two drinks max that's it that's all we're doing two drinks one for me one for her maybe one other for her and then i'm not gonna get anything else he doesn't want to spend too much this chick ordered tried to order like an appetizer or something he was like no he said no he was like no i mean listen if it's a first date if if somebody whoever is paying that's at your

discretion just know that you're not gonna get no kit kat from marie after that yeah but you weren't gonna get any kit kat anyway somebody could have gave you filet mignon and everything people have given me steak and then i'd be like oh all right i need to go walk this off you could have got lobster and shrimps and nothing listen as much as you pay for my food that doesn't mean i owe you anything exactly and just because we went out three times doesn't mean i owe you anything then like i'll hear women talking they're like well we know we went out three it's a third date so obviously i have to sleep with him and i'd be like girl what yeah i mean like what type of sex arithmetic are you doing that i'm not like that's not how my work stacked up lucky for me i would

only date people that i would want to fuck on the first night so i didn't believe in that third that third date thing i'm not bound to any of that bullshit listen i constantly go out people that i don't like so i'm like i'm in it for the long haul listen as long as you buy me food and paying for these roses we can see each other again just know that you can't touch my hand or caress my cheek or lean in too close because you're gonna get your feelings hurt i as somebody who's gone on plenty of dates i should have thought about that i would only go on dates with people that i actually like and i should have utilized just going out and dating more i didn't date enough i dated only people i was gonna hook up with there was a couple people

that tried to slide in i was like no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no i was like no but for the most part listen if somebody's like a hideous hunchback of notre dame beast i'm obviously not gonna sit across from you watch you chew your food like a cow girl that was two ex-boyfriends ago oops zoinks zoinks but like you're young and like i don't know like it's it's gonna be nice out i i figure it's 30 dates so that's probably like 22 outfits because you know i'm gonna repeat some and that's i don't know probably 60 drinks at least and some meals girl that's what you think yo these dudes like they've caught on i feel like because women have talked about it too much like oh yeah i'm just

going to get something to eat and they'll be like no we gonna I'm gonna meet you at a cafe Sydney I am a queen we're gonna get some tea then that's two teas okay I'm gonna take a hibiscus tea and a jasmine tea you ready to get you a little croissant get you a little chocolate

croissant and then I'm gonna go like I feel like the conversations might lead to something like a like an epiphany in my mind or something and if the dates are terrible that means the story's gonna be banging i hope the dates are bad i hope his card gets declined because you know i'm gonna sit there and be like well you know i didn't pay any money i'm gonna just look at him like well you're gonna

end up dead on the 12th date they're gonna be looking for your body i'm like i told her it's a bad idea i said it's not worth it i'm staying on the island of manhattan and then like in like the cool brooklyn parts i'm not gonna go to like queens for a date and i'm not gonna i'm not gonna go like to westchester or whatever like i'm just gonna stay here i'm not going to jersey city i'm not taking no ferry to no date just it's gonna be me and him or maybe she because if city's gonna help me pick these dates i feel like she gonna send me up i'm not dude i'm like i'm gonna walk in and some asian lady's gonna be like hey are you marie and i'm gonna be like oh damn oh god listen is she buying food you're not gonna i'm probably gonna stay

if it's at a really nice restaurant you're not gonna say i'm gonna be like hey christy yamaguchi you cute um let me just get the um crusted uh parmesan chicken breast can i get some uh garnish some lemon zest is the rigatoni good today whatever's market price i'm letting lady pay for wow also one female you don't know you don't understand how lesbians work girl it'd be half on half on half i was gonna ask you how how lesbians pay for food and half on half well if she looked like she still might make you pay half i'll be like you know what i'm feeling a little ill i'm gonna go get outside get some air and then i'm dipping girl good luck i'm gonna pray for you i'm gonna tell you that listen i'm gonna wear my uh little lesbian wig that day i'm

gonna wear my my uh my corn rope shamar moore lace front wig that day you're honestly one of the rudest people that i've met in my entire life that is a lie because you've met famous people and famous people are awful i mean the fact that i've had to serve cameron numerous times i don't know what's i don't know what my life is right now yeah i mean i guess waitressing is the best mistake you've ever made it really is i have so many stories but at the same time i'm like i just wish i wasn't there at all yeah but the stories are good dude what's your most memorable celebrity um guest would you say because you've served everybody bruce willis bruce willis okay was he nice because he seems nice okay first of all everybody was pressed they were so it was like

after die hard die hard uh bruce willis so he's you know he's tall he's bald is he tall he's really tall. Really? Yes. Oh, that makes me like Bruce Willis. Yeah, he's tall. And like all the, he would come in all the time and apparently he had went out with a waitress that we... Ooh. Ooh, yeah, he had already went

on a couple of dates with a waitress but he would come in, all the girls would flock because they're like, it's Bruce. They would just call him Bruce. I'm like, you're not going to call him Bruce Willis? No, it's Bruce. It's Bruce. And we were at the bar. He's getting Patron Platinum shots for the waitresses.

which is like a 60 shot bruce got it die hard oh yeah absolutely the thing is that he wasn't paying for it though he would just ask for it and then when it's time to like give him and you're like we're not gonna give bruce a check it's bruce it's like what that's the person you should give the check to absolutely now don't give the the check to cameron you know he ain't got it oh he He ain't got it. Hey, mom, what's that? The check? No.

So he sees me. I'm new. And he's like, oh, you must be a new waitress here. Oh, he's like, I haven't tasted that chocolate before. I was like, ah. He touched my shoulder. I was like, eh, he want to smash. No.

He's trying to tell me this story. He's like, can I tell you what happened to me? He tells me this corny-ass, whack-ass story. But basically, the story leads to him touching my butt. Wait, that's the end of the story? but he's like yeah and the girl did this and he touched my butt he cupped it he cupped that is how old white men better do it no dude i was like i was like but did you lean in or lean out of the hand i mean i poked the butt out i didn't arch that back i didn't suck it in i said oh well

we already here how did you get here uh alexa can i get a round of applause hmm i don't know that oh hold on no she does don't be rude alexa applause please oh alexa you suck wait try one more time you can send product or technical feedback through the alexa app oh she's you know i will alexa my applause please after 55 tries finally anyway so bruce willis touched your butt and you like arched your back yeah and then for a second you think i'm gonna sleep with bruce willis no definitely not i mean he goes there so many times and he had already went on a couple days

he took one of the chicks to a hockey game oh that's cute he was at the rangers game oh maybe you think it was the same hockey game that i was at um most likely not because this was before your time youngin okay well my game i went in 2015 or something no this was yeah this was like 2008 or something oh yes that's definitely my time yeah yeah yeah he touched my butt and i was like wow like is this what we really doing here touching people's butts did you laugh it off or you like i mean cool story bro i was like did that really happen to me i was like am i drunk and i was was not drunk but my question to you is did you say something to bruce no i just i was like well bruce was touching my butt so whatever and he was single at the time so it's not like he's out here

touching butts and he's married okay so if he's not married then he can touch butts i just wish there was a better climax to the story i'm like yeah because i'm waiting for the end i'm like you went upstairs with bruce and then like he couldn't get it up like what's the end of the story it's just him touching my butt that's it and then he laughed real loud and you laughed real hard at his terrible story and then you walked away and he didn't have to pay for the patrol shots no and that's the thing i was like you won't touch butt and then you're not gonna give a tip he wasn't tipping no girl he was out out like out like the light i want to be that rich i want to be so rich that i don't have to pay for stuff but i feel like i'm still going to like they hook white

celebrities up with stuff that they don't hook black celebrities up with. No, they hook everybody up. Serena Williams, it just came out a couple weeks ago that she bought a bunch of stuff at some store and it's customary after you spend a certain amount of money that they send you free stuff. And they didn't give her nothing.

Her publicist came out and said something. And they're like, I was worried about that. So sorry. So sorry. And it's in her bag of socks or something. Well, that's freaking rude. This is Serena Williams. She's one of the top athletes in the world. Is it a maternity line or is it like a regular ass line? They're like, she can't even fit our shit anyway.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. If Maria Sharapova or I don't know, whatever, a terrible witch, a white tennis player came up, they'd be like, yes, Maria, here's some more free stuff for you. Do you want an iPhone 9? That's also free. It's like, it's different.

Unless you're Beyonce, they don't treat other black celebrities like they treat white celebrities. That's what you think, dude. But, like, I've gone to a lot of hood parties, a lot of, like, Diddy's parties. Like, people ain't paying? Oh, I had another story. Like, you're hood famous. Like, at a hood place, they know, we know who these people are.

So, yeah, you're going to hook them up because you think they're going to come back. And they're going to bring money to you. But, like, it's different. You know what I mean. No, I mean, Lenny Kravitz did not pay when he was. Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish. He wasn't planning on paying anyway. He did not pay.

I'm going to tell the story, but I'm not going to. Never mind. I'm not going to tell the story. No, no, no. Tell the story. We only got a couple more minutes. Go ahead. Tell the story.

Ready? Go. No, I'm not going to tell the story. But I have another story about when Jay-Z came. He was coming on a regular, and his manager, no, his tour manager was with him. And they were really nice. I'm hanging out with them. I'm drinking shots or whatever.

But Diddy was having a party at this place called M2. and he's like yo you want to come and i was like oh absolutely i was i literally got off work and i was like i'm going with jc i'm going with did like i'm about to hang out with everybody yes yo i was like i'm about to be on central pay like on saturday so we get out i'm in the cab with the tour manager dusty white guy i mean very like oh you work at kmart like you wouldn't even know that he's a freaking tour manager so we in the cab he's talking to me i'm like i hope he's not interested i hope he's just like trying to take me to the party because it's cool so i go there i have on my the best pleather pants on pleather something about the pants i knew i was gonna go

out on this little cartney oh bitch no it was like a limited edition rainbow like it was beautiful So I go into this club. We go straight to the VIP, Mary J. Blige, to Raji P. Henson, I think Alicia Keys. It was literally- Is Alicia Keys with the braids still, with the beads and the backwards cornrows? Everyone thought Alicia was a lesbian? No, it was like the Alicia right after that. It was like probably stealing Mishanda's man, Alicia Keys.

No, it's probably right between Mishanda's man and the braids. So I'm in that section. And I was like, yo, I can't believe I'm hanging out with everybody. But nobody looked like they were having a good time. They all looked like they were just looking to be there. Yeah. And so I'm there like, ah, walking like, ah, Mary J. I was doing the Mary J. Blige auntie shake and everything.

Like, Mary J. What's the 411? You hit the crouch, the side crouch. Yo, I was trying to find me some high boots. I was like, yo, Mary. Yo. When I tell you these women were not having it, they were like, who the fuck is this like i obviously didn't look like a celebrity it was nothing but i was like why

would he take me here i was like he must see something in me great so or he wanted to see something in you hey alexa my applause so we were in there and everybody's looking at me crazy and they i hear taraji talk to him and she's like so where's your wife how's the baby how many months is she like crazy like she was saying it real loud so you could hear yeah i was like well obviously i want to know that this i don't know this guy's deal he just asked me to come out yeah you know and i had just started waitressing i was like if somebody invites you to diddy's uh party you're going damn cookie cookie line oh she was not having it she was the real cookie yeah yeah yeah yeah and so everybody's

giving me the eye and i didn't feel comfortable i was like yo i'm ready to go like i thought i was gonna have like ace of spades was coming out yeah five thousand dollar bottle man it was like the limited edition hennessy was coming out i don't even drink hennessy but i was like hennessy aged 12 years i will drink it if sean carter's there whatever and he ended up he was like okay let's go and so we get in the cab and he's like so are we going to your place or the hotel the oh you should have been like how many months is the baby what did you do son i don't know i would i was like well i'm gonna get out here uh because i was like you think we you think something happened between you and me i said dude i said dude i said sir sir and or madam

I'm going to just get out right here I'm going to be like, uh, Papa, Papa Because he looked like a papa Yo, that is crazy I just was like, I couldn't believe I was in the VIP With everybody that I love And they were all giving me the eye like, bitch, who are you? Well, they say never meet your idols, right?

That's what they say, don't ever meet your idols When I tell you Mary J. Bleej Was giving me the slightest eye What wig does Mary have on? Oh, she had the blonde one on With the bang and everything The Bob? The Bob

The auntie one cut the mushroom cut the auntie one the one's like the hateration holleration yes she had that one she looked so good and she was with kin do or whatever kin ba whatever the hell is oh yeah the one that she's getting a divorce from now she's with him and i was with everybody i was like dude this is like the spot wait hold on hold on alicia keys was giving you the side eye she was her her ass was giving you no she wasn't giving the side eye because she knew better but all i could feel is mary's and taraji's eyes and you know their eyes is big you know black women their eyes are big they're like i was like girl you're like taraji you got that right

i don't know how big mary's eyes are i feel like she was also has on like a frosted pink ray-ban oakley thing but taraji do got some big ass eyes yeah but it was that was i was really surprised that this guy thought that i was gonna hook up with him even after the fact that they were saying how's your wife thought that you didn't hear or he thought that you didn't care maybe i guess because i'm sure he'd done that before that's what i said but you are not jay-z i don't want trickle down dick trickle down no reaganomics pain no what if jay-z came up to you and said are we going to your house or the hotel what would you have said absolutely not absolutely not my house we definitely go to the hotel i hear you sis no i look first of all i'm not i don't

find camels interesting at all not even joe camel no joe cool i don't want to be on no type of humps i'm all set that's gross and the fact that he was with beyonce at the time no why really i feel like women some women would sleep with jay-z just because they know that he sleeps with beyonce no they'd be like this is beyonce's dick yeah but it's not gonna and you jay-z is not gonna insert talent into you he might give you a little like a turquoise i know he might give you a sky blue ivy he's not gonna insert in no sasha fierce he'll give you a light a light blue ivy you're so dumb oh this was great marie we had such a good time we learned so much You know, I feel like you guys want to hear us more at times.

I think we're just going to do this. Yeah, we're going to check in with you guys every couple of weeks. Yeah, just let you know that we're out here doing what we can for the community. For the community. And Sydney's got so many stories. And I am here to hear all of them. And laugh. So good, girl.

You've lived like seven lives. I know. And now I'm here on your couch. Living my best worst life. This is my couch's third life. Because you know this is a Craigslist couch. you could catch us every second saturday of the month at karma lounge at the warm-up absolutely that's that comedy is bomb as hell um you can catch us sometimes on my youtube channel it's

called miss reese and s-r-e-e-e-z-y or you can just catch me on instagram at reese r-e-e-e-z-y yes and i'm uh just said bw on instagram straight flexing and please follow the unofficial expert on instagram as well yeah don't forget to rate and comment and subscribe and grab your friend's phone and subscribe from their phone without telling them because this is what we do baby yes we love comments we respond we love them and sometimes when i'm having a bad day i'll just just review your comment look at that comment from bbtd20789 look at that comment from mj These hoes are terrible These hoes ain't loyal

Alexa Play These Hoes Ain't Loyal That's not even the name of the song These Hoes Ain't Loyal by Darkest Sin from Spotify No Alexa stop Alexa play Loyal Chris Brown Loyal East Coast version

Originally performed by Chris Brown She's terrible Karaoke version Oh we gotta throw her in the garbage we're gonna go up but this is the music that you guys need to hear on the phone karaoke karaoke

karaoke these hoes ain't loyal wrap this podcast up bye guys I just took a bitch just get it hey bye guys