MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "Telling The Truth Expert" with Chloe Hillard

Episode Date: January 19, 2018

We finally have a wig intervention for Sydnee! Comedian Chloe Hillard keeps it ALL THE WAY REAL. We discuss who was a bully as a kid: Chloe. Marie or Sydnee?? How can some men be so basic, beige AND bold? West Indians being the best motivational speakers and dating a man you don't like so you could have somewhere to sleep. Marie's been fired from every job she's ever had and Sydnee finally learns what an entrepreneur is. Pat your weave & pull up a chair!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hello hello welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with sydney and marie ah man this is great this is great i'm excited this is gonna be a good episode yeah i feel it in my bones seriously i'm feeling in my joints that might be osteoporosis i'm not really sure i'm feeling it it's gonna be great already high energy okay also quick positive note up top yes sydney got a new wig super cute the guest is looking like hmm i guess it's looking at you and your uh you fell for the european standards of beauty sis oh gosh so what you got your turban on it's fine yes but this is the indian also west indian also i'm at my house and my hair is not done i got a beret on so honestly i could take the wig off and just put the beret on and still live my best life don't

say beret that makes me think of that terrible final episode of she's gotta have it when they dance to prince raspberry beret it made you think of all of that a beret that's it yes raspberry beret i wasn't even thinking about any other letter one let one word changed that last episode was garbage yeah we can't even talk about it because i feel like people i went i was at a show and asking people have they watched it and they're like i couldn't make it through all of it i was like damn damn they were like i got to the like the fifth episode i made it to the last episode and was super upset, but I can't, like, I'm one of these people,

if I start watching something, I have to finish it. It's like, you might as well. Unless it's really bad and I only made it through, like. You gotta finish it. You have the time. Come on. You might get to it, and then you're like, oh, shit, something changed. I'm watching it to cure now just to see how it ends. I don't care about the show. Really?

Yes, all the main characters. Mbali going back with the doughy body, light-skinned dude. Like, I just, I'm just like, well, I just want to see when his wife confronts him. that's true that's why i'm waiting for the third season to be like come on girl you fell for the okie doke with gumby the okie doke with the with the just he got just an out of shape body squishy body but he's light skin he got baby hair so that's why with clothes it looks like he should

have a good body and then he takes his clothes off and you're like that's that's it he pumping the zara for men too hard so no i don't think he has a good body at all sydney uh what were you an expert in this week can we talk about the past five days well you and i have been going to uh numerous holiday parties and just smashing it with velveteen love and uh you know crushed velvet velvet on velvet little lace little something you know we killing it out there and i honestly go to the holiday parties for the photo booth i don't go there because i don't because i don't drink and i honestly really don't care about the people who are there i just want to take pictures so this is my highlight of the night and i just feel like people shouldn't ruin that because i love i kill

it in photo booths i make sure the photos are great because you're photogenic ugly people don't like photo booths exactly so i'm an expert in shutting down people in the photo booth can you please tell people what you're talking about i don't like when you jump in people's photos and we not cool like that who are you first of all the line is mad long so it's gonna take us another 30 minutes just to take this so i want to take it and i want to be right okay so we me you our friend alzo and amina we we wait in line i'm i see this girl and she keeps jumping in people's photos and she's bringing nothing to the table nothing absolutely literally no smile nothing just jumping in and just no ass like just she's jumping in and she like looks miserable yes you could have

just come on yes so she's in line with us and i'm like it's gonna be the four of us i'm looking at all four of you you already told her yes yes i'm like it's gonna be four of us i just want a photo of us and she's looking like uh-huh yeah okay so then finally we get up and we get in and soon as we press start she jumps in and i touch her by her elbow and i said no it's just gonna be the four of but she was in the first photo and if you look at the series oh my god the girl looking miserable then she's not in nothing else but the next photo is our friend amina dying i want to post the photo i want to post it looking like regina george in the very front of the photo it's not me no she was gone it's not mean girl it's just there's a long line it's gonna take us forever

to get this photo again so why are you ruining i mean we also cut the line several times bogarted the white people several times that was rude too um so i was in a lot of photos but you know whatever i mean don't let anybody just get in your photo it's not that serious it's not that serious just showing the guests the series if you look at the first picture and then the second picture it's hilarious it's too much it's like listen we're here to have a good time and and also when you come to a holiday party what are you wearing what are you wearing i saw a lot of like flight jackets and like sweatpants sweatpants it's like a forever 21 sweatpants let's be festive like put some christmas lights on your shirt whatever do what you got to do so that people

are like yeah get in my photo you know maybe sometimes your face is not doing it sometimes you just have to bring the energy with your clothes i guess but i bring all i just want to take pictures with people who is gonna get a lot of likes that's all if it's not gonna get a lot of like we can do this another time please it's just gonna be the four of us right uh marie what were you an expert in uh besides still sounding like a man um uh i was an expert at getting rich kind of quick this week i made a decent amount of money oh right i mean most of it was like doing comedy shows for like six people right but like they pay you either in check form or in cash um And then I worked an event with you.

Oh, yes. And we were supposed to make X amount of dollars. Oh, tell the story, please. We were supposed to work a private party dancing. I'm lying. Don't nobody want to see my back. I'm just here to dance for Junior's bachelor party. Anyway, so we get there and none of the people are drinking.

None of them are asking us to do anything. They had their coats on and they were ready to go before we were halfway through with the party. So it was like, well, yes. And we got paid at the beginning of the night. See, but that's the problem is that we got paid. Somebody just handed us the money and we think, oh, this is like extra. This is a tip. This old dude, he like peeling off cash, peeling off money to give us.

He had a wad of money. Like, honestly, we could have just hit him over the head, take his cash and run. We didn't have to hit him, sis. We could have just tipped him over. He would have gotten up real slow. it was so much money but i felt like he was giving it to us like thank you girls for just being so beautiful but it was like no this is your payment yeah it was i was so hurt because i thought i was gonna make eight hundred dollars that night didn't make that much sis surely didn't

also sydney had me convinced i was gonna make eight hundred dollars i was like yes she was gonna talk about like when she was a waitress and she was making nine thousand dollars a night and it's like oh yeah i'm also gonna make nine thousand dollars tonight well because a girl called me up like hey this guy's gonna be there he's he pays cash what's the moral here sis don't listen to your friends yeah don't listen to your friends don't listen to white women white exactly hey white women thank you for listening uh should we get into the uh the guest we should we should okay we'll intro our guests sis okay well first of all outstanding writer stand-up actress woman of god okay she got a core she do have she got a core she got a savings account

like she's doing really well um she is our telling the truth expert give it up for chloe hillard hey chloe let me see chloe i feel like you a little bit low yeah something else you can there you are you could be loud uh yeah this is it chloe how do you feel about holiday parties or actually this year i didn't go to any i haven't been to any holiday parties um partially because i one don't really socialize with a lot of the people that go to these parties and i find interesting that a lot of comics in new york city are jockeying thinking that going to a holiday party is how they're going to get booked there and it's never how you get booked that's not why i go i go for the free open bar i go for the snacks possibly a massage because gotham comedy club

did massages last year. I don't know if they're doing that again this year. But I don't go to network. Not at all. For me. I think you guys are different cases, but I don't go to network either. But one, for me, I'm not going to go to a club that doesn't book me. Exactly.

Definitely not doing that. So if I don't work that club, I'm not going there to partake and be up in their face. Why? It's like, why do that? Well, that's the thing too, right? You see a lot of people. Yeah, the people are jockeying for attention. Thinking that the booker is drunk they're not they don't give a fuck about you coming in eating their fucking cheese sticks that's chloe already telling the truth uh can you tell us a little bit about you

first of all how tall are you i'm six one wow six one whole lot of woman act like you don't know the listeners don't know so i want to just yeah i'm six one i've been this height since i was 12 No, 12? I haven't grown an inch since I was 12, yeah. I used to have growth spurts when I was a kid, like 6, 7. I would cry. I'd be like, Mom, my body hurts. Your body hurts because it was growing so fast.

Yeah, and so the doctor, she took me to the doctor, and she was like, yeah, she's growing at night. And so I had stretch marks on my inner elbows and knees and stuff. Oh, my God. The joints grow, yeah. It's so funny because my brother, my younger brother, is only 5'9". Damn, dude. I would know he wish he could switch height with you

every time he sees you. You're a whole lot of woman. Whole. It's great. No, it's wonderful. Sydney, you looking at her like she's a snack. Because Sydney always be, she be climbing in my little DM,

always saying something. Oh, we gonna do this on the podcast? Yes, yes, yes. What does Sydney say on your DMs? No, she's not, she's a very supportive sistren. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's because Sydney's a creep, okay?

She's a creep. She be creeping on all our female guests and some of the males. Well, you on a vacation and you had all of the the titties out yeah and i said wow this is what you gotta do you gotta go out of the country to show those things yeah yeah yeah absolutely i didn't even know you had boobs like that nobody well most people don't i just don't show off that part of my body also because i think um because especially with comedy we stand on the stage you know what i'm saying so

there's a lot of things wardrobe wise that i wouldn't wear on stage because you gotta think about your angles my angles are good so just you know from straight on my ankles are good from the side it's like who that boy is funny i'm like wesley snipes killing it up there like you know i don't want to be on stage with like because i'm tall if i'm wearing like a skirt or anything if it's too short angles and then like if my boobs are low if i you know if i get in the spirit of whatever i'm talking about and you just your titties is bouncing it's too distracting it's too much yeah it's too distracting because when you first did comedy you had your titties out out sis you had a low cut i'm sure it was new to the navel j-lo versace dress i had

just bought them they were brand new they still had the barcode on it so i was like yeah i'm showing them v-neck for everything yeah yeah it was a deep it was a dv it was a dv it was a thank you for being a respectful uh woman chloe thank you you're welcome but so chloe's tall your sixth one and then she's got this magnificent fro but i feel like you normally don't have your hair out i normally don't wear it like this i i normally like will blow it out or braid it up or something like i do something to it before i just let it out it always looks great thank you i appreciate that i am i am the thing is like i do love a good crochet i think because it's just time consuming like it's time consuming having what you hear and twist it out and play with it

so much but yeah i am also i had stopped i started doing crochet a while ago and no shade but like the thing about comedy is that when you're a black woman in comedy people remember your look and I was getting confused for other people Marie do you think you encounter that a lot? I encounter that regularly sis and I'm like oh no no no

I'm sorry that's not a compliment I'm like no no no I get really mad for you excuse me It was to the point, I mean this is a couple years ago So this was to the point where like I would show up to the club and the other person Would be there and the bartender would

Pay them my money, like here you go And they'd be like no that's not me, that's Chloe And I'd be like standing right next to them Like you really think we, we don't look nothing alike Because our hair is the same If we were thinking about the same problem Like nothing about, not one damn thing Not even your elbow, nothing

Literally But that's because people just glance and they see a shape and a color you know what i mean they're not like looking at the details of your shape and a color you're right but now i think when you get to a certain part you know like you guys are recognized well people know you you know you can do anything you can change your hair any day of the week and people will still know who you are but when you're first starting out in this business it's best to keep your hair a certain kind of way yeah i get it i get that that's fair you know it took rihanna a couple years before she started doing different colors in a week she was covering her forehead in

beginning a lot now she's real free about it i mean sydney same thing could be said about you you was covering your forehead a lot when i met you as well i had bangs for 10 years and i haven't seen you with bangs in legit two years how much you've grown that shows how much comedy you see how much confidence i give you as a friend oh shut up chloe stay like hey as soon as you stop wearing those wigs i really feel like you can flourish as soon as you wear your real hair i I mean, I just feel like you'll really be yourself. She wants you to get your Lupita Nyong'o on. No.

You can do it. So you come to my house and do my hair then because the way- I've offered to do your hair and you've always been like, nah. Sydney, doesn't your girlfriend do your hair? Damn, Marie. You acting like that's what the issue is. Somebody's already helping you do it and you're not wearing it out. The thing is you have to, this is when you talk about truth, you can't be truthful until

you're true with yourself. Excuse me? I'm not saying you. I'm just saying you. I was like, when did this turn to surprise intervention? Fix your damn wig. I mean, I think wigs are cute and all that stuff, but I do believe that I don't want to say, I don't want to make it about you and wigs. But I feel like if you aren't true about where you stand with yourself, it's hard for you to give input or advice to other people.

You know what I mean? So like if you're not being honest about yourself, like I know what my flaws are. I know what my shortcomings are. Oh, Chloe, what are some of your flaws? Yeah, let's talk about it, sis. I would say I am I am really

super focused but not to the point where I'm not really good at letting other people in to my zhuzh you get what I'm saying and especially when you have a strong network I'll do the work twice as long by myself than just being like hey y'all y'all wanna mind

helping me do this thing because I have a loner personality because I was bullied as a kid And I was the only child But you're so tall Why were you bullied As a kid You look like the bully

Chloe You look like you Step on all the kids Yeah Like you step to the teacher Like we're going to recess 30 minutes early today Because I was the youngest

I started school at four So when I started school I was literally The youngest in the class My birthday is At the end of the year December 28th So when I started school

Kids were already Five Already You know like a year Half a year Yeah But Chloe I started school early too

my birthday's in september yeah and i was little and skinny and i was the bully i was the biggest and i didn't have any siblings so i didn't understand the art of like snapping and roasting and you know talking shit or like oh she did it like i wasn't the type to like put you know what i mean so i'm like honest abe in school and they just you're up yeah but that's why they were they were making fun of you dude because you were like yeah honest you were like i cannot tell a lie i cannot tell i hit this chinese boy with a car because he tried to play with the toy that i was playing with first since i was like that's mine i was playing with it yesterday i was tiki tiki timbo no surrender that's what it was me and i was just like so

meek and i i couldn't i was bullied a lot too that's so crazy because like now y'all are the bullies and i'm like the meek one excuse me that is a fucking lie yeah wow look at y'all ganging up on me right now and i'll be doing this victim so you so you speak your truth okay wait so when did you find your voice yeah because being an only child to me is uh like a handicap in my mind just ask somebody like really yeah because when i think of people you have to be so your parent has to be very vigilant in socializing you if you're not socialized you gotta find other people to play with when you're young otherwise like you you learn to play by yourself and by yourself that's so weird to me because i do have a brother and sister but i didn't grow up with them so i

almost was like the only child and i my family wouldn't let me play with people they didn't trust nobody they think like no i understand that my family was the same way but i had an older brother and a younger sister so like i was home with them i played by myself a lot but now like as an adult i still know how to talk to people that's all i do yeah but there's but there's a cutoff point you know what i'm saying like you you can talk to people and hang out with them but at a certain point you'd be like i'm over it like i get over it really quickly in social settings like if it's a shit ton of people when i go to a function i'm not really i'm not really the type especially being a comic people think you walk in like oh i'm gonna kill it i'm gonna

that's not me i'm in there like scoping out in the corner chilling talking to people i know so how did you how did you turn that into being able to get on stage and do stand-up yeah well because i'll use stand-up it's less of an attention-seeking thing and more of i have something to say so that's why you got things to say chloe you just uh you just did an hour you recorded an hour and it's dope it was so good thank you your laughter is all up in it oh yeah she's so rude i am they're like super supportive yeah who's that loud uh cat in the background i was like the trainer joke ah crying they're like that girl's been through it i'm like that happened that day though i did it literally that day before my hour i went to the gym and i

ran into this guy that i had dated for a short time and he ghosted me which is my truth which is also you know i'm at the point now where i'm definitely feeling more comfortable telling things that show me being played on stage. You know, instead of like, you know how you have a situation where you definitely got played but you gotta finesse it. Yeah, you gotta make it sound like you did it. Yeah, no, no. I'll be like this nigga ghosted me. But that's

crazy, Chloe, because most comedians, I mean I'm not gonna say, like white men, they are always talking about how they get played. Like, that's their whole set. Oh, it just be one crying therapy session. Yeah, but that is because their whole intention is to get on stage and denounce

their privilege that's really what it is speak that truth clo because because if they go in there and they're confident i mean i've seen some there are some white male comics who are super confident there and come across as being arrogant yeah but that's their whole thing but they're also very attractive so you can't be mediocre mediocre white face and then have an audacity to be like basic beige and bold yeah so they have to do that like self-deprecating shit a little bit or or be like snarky in order for people to be like oh okay i get it right you know so they don't have that i mean but i don't think i don't think a lot of black male comics are that boisterous either i don't think really go on talk about how they do shit all the time i don't know no

not really i mean they go up there with like a different type of swag swagger to them like they carry themselves confident but they're not saying yeah they're not saying right but you feel it you get the vibe, but they're not on stage being like, I'm the shit. But they're not like, woe is me, though. They're not like, I live with my mom, and you know, I make boxes. No, they be like, I live with my mom, and I still

bring bitches home. Yeah, that's what they do. Yeah. And I make boxes. They do all that. That's the boxes. And I make boxes for a living. Pay a phony bill. Okay, right. So, Chloe, how does that,

how does you, okay, so you don't say it because you have something to say i get on stage because i have something to say and i think the two things happened one when i first found my voice i had been bullied all of elementary school and it wasn't until like fifth grade where i just snapped i literally what happened you went all carry on them no i went crazy on this one like we were standing in line at dismissal and this one girl had been just giving it to me for a while like just smart you know like like you know how somebody to just say something real slick and low and the teacher don't hear it and they just see your reaction.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I always got blamed for being a bully because I was the biggest. So it was like, you know, they would say crazy shit to me all the time and then I would like spaz. Say something back. Say something back and they'd be like, Chloe, why are you doing, you know, or if they would throw shit at me all day and I would like throw something back and I'd be like,

you hit them, you know, so that was happening. So it was like psychological warfare and finally this one day this chick said something to me and I literally lost it. She had pigtails and I grabbed one of her pigtails and I literally swung her back and forth like a doll and then

get your due time girl literally when we went outside like everybody was like Chloe lost it like everybody knew like it was like oh this she the girl deserved it Chloe lost it and so we went outside and my mother was there which is rare because my mom by that point like fifth grade she would come but not

every day but she was there that day and the teacher goes out and she's like you know Chloe got into a fight with this girl and you know you really should talk to her like basically but even the teacher knew like it was to the point where the teacher was like your daughter finally finally lost it so i don't know was it a celebration it was like it was like the girl everybody knew that the girl was trouble yeah yeah so the teacher wasn't she's spanish no no she's black i went to school with like the cosby kids all the kids in my class

were kids with doc like teachers were their parents were like engineers doctors lawyers okay where'd you go to school yeah when's the reunion clinton hill okay ah yes um and so when my mom came my mom was like is this true i was like yes and she was like okay like all right you know because she knew i had been through so much and so that was kind of like the start and then after that year i left at school and i went to um another junior high school for gifted and talented it was called philippa skylar okay tell them credits girl gifted and talented okay and it was all west indian kids yeah so loud that's another level of bullying then that's another level they didn't bully me they was like fucking open your mouth and say some shit really the type

like they kind of gave me a confidence because i hung out with like all the big girls i was a big girl so they was like no we we fucking killing it and i was like i'll be killing it like they just was like not like all like all your insecurities that you have like in our culture that's not a like that's not a thing yeah and so that gave me a confidence to kind of speak up a little bit more and i kind of found my voice and and then from there on i you know i knew i wanted to be a journalist so i was like well at least let me use my voice to help other people and so a journalist sydney yeah i know that did you ever want to help people with your voice though oh i don't know like you're really just that's each one teach one right there you're just you're

trying to help and that's important because you have a platform yeah and i think i mean i think all of us with this podcast you know everybody that does this or stands on stage i think that we have to be we have to realize that you even though we're sitting in this apartment we're talking to each other like these words will live on and affect whoever's hearing it and so you have to have some sort of accountability okay i mean the people who tweet they tweet at us they'll be like thank you we i listen to your podcast at lunch break and it helps me because i've had a bad day and y'all make me laugh and i was like oh that's not even where i thought you're gonna go with that i thought you're gonna say like people tweet things out and they feel like those words

don't mean anything but people be getting fired from twitter all the time yeah like the lady that was going to africa and got on a plane like a 20-hour flight and was like going to africa hope i don't get aids tweeted it closed her phone landed and had already gotten fired like while she was in the air the tweet had gone viral hashtag did she land yet like yeah we're going and i think also when it comes to being honest i think people think that that how their personal opinion is true honesty and a lot of times we can we misconstrue the point i feel like honestly Yeah, speak on that. I think honesty should not have your personal interest invested in it.

It should just be the honest being at the moment. So people speak their truth even if it's not the truth. Yes, exactly. Yeah, but I think you should be able to speak your truth without saying, like, well, you're like, in my opinion, this is how I feel. But they don't preface it that way. Yeah, but even if that is how you feel, also, in my opinion, if my opinion don't match up with yours, in my opinion,

you should be okay with getting punched in the face or getting fired or something bad happening to you. yeah i'm not saying that like fighting somebody because you don't agree with them is right but like if your thing is offensive and i happen to be standing there with somebody who's like my truth i feel like this thing as the truth and you and then your truth okay okay so your truth is about where you stand your philosophy your ideology your heart your emotion that's your truth the truth is something different yeah and i think a lot of times people project their personal truth as the finite end-all, be-all truth.

Yeah, no, no, no. I don't believe in that. I don't believe in that. But I do feel like you should be able to speak what you think in your opinion, and people will be like, okay, well, that's your opinion. I heard it.

I don't agree with it. And then move on. But that's why we are in such a problem situation we are now is because people don't understand that you don't have to agree with somebody in order to be heard. Like, I don't have to agree with what you guys believe but that doesn't mean that i have to disrespect you as a person exactly and so people want to be

right they don't want to people want to be heard but they also want to be right and and sometimes you can't you can't have both but that's the problem here now is that everybody can be heard literally every people we can't read people can't spell people who can't speak it's like dude like i don't care about what you're saying right now they speak on topics that they have no idea what they're talking about they didn't even they see one headline and then boom they want to talk about the whole thing and they don't know what they're talking about they're like i'm an expert on this probably you should come on the podcast we'll find out i'm probably an expert at this so has telling the truth ever hurt you like have you been ever been in a relationship where you told

the truth and it was like you shouldn't have said that well i haven't been in many relationships i've only been in one what relationship yeah watch your man watch your mouth um i was i dated this guy for about two and a half three years in my late 20s okay because i was a workaholic so i wasn't really trying to date like that you busy you booked and busy says hooked busy blessed yeah so we befriended we were friends first and we saw we always saw each other socially and we just like kind of gravitated towards each other and started dating um and the relationship was good it kind of just got to the point where i started doing comedy and that wasn't a thing it wasn't a he was a journalist no no he he worked in media okay he encouraged me actually he encouraged me a lot to

get into comedy he was like get on stage get them get that he was my biggest supporter till this day he's still one of my biggest did he come to he came to the one oh yes you did tell me about that yeah yeah so um so he's really sweet good guy and um and when our relationship ended i realized that i decided i was going to dedicate myself to comedy and i didn't know how trying to factor in somebody else until that moment when I was still trying to master it,

not master it, but navigate it, I didn't think that would be fair because the last thing I want is somebody telling me, oh, why are you

going out tonight? I want to go out to dinner or come sit home with me and watch the game. It's like I can't sit up in my room. Interesting.

I wonder who feels like that. I wonder who feels like that. I don't know, Marie. Who feels like that? What a peculiar feeling. Marie, you tell me.

I don't feel like That's it. I don't have a man. Okay. Well, neither do I. Yeah. And I think when you talk about being honest with yourself, like I could have lied to myself and been like,

oh, no, I wanted to be with somebody even though I'm trying to, you know, dive into this second career. And it just would have been problematic. Also, see, that's what happens when you're a strong, independent woman and you don't need no man. You have money. You have your own place. You have food in your fridge.

You're like, ah, yeah, you know what? It's not going to be fair to stay with him. But if you didn't have nowhere to go and your fridge was empty, you'd be like, I mean, I guess I like him. So, like, I don't really need to tell these jokes every night. No, I definitely know I struggle. When I made the career change, I struggled. I was broke.

Yeah, I'm talking about in the beginning. Absolutely. There's no way you have food in your fridge all the time. Well, also because I quit. I stopped journalism. And when I stopped, the last job I had as a journalist, I got let go because it was a startup company. So you wasn't even ready for the let go.

you had your lunch planned for the week and they were like hey thursday's the last day and i realized this job wasn't for me i realized it wasn't for me so i worked really hard to get laid off like i did just enough i planned it i did just enough i wasn't negligent but more that he had to at least respectfully lay me off right and so i got unemployment so i had unemployment and i was consulting you see that you gotta plan the unemployment yes you do you can't listen i believe in planning but i don't do the planning all the time but i do believe in it i don't really believe in planning but i gave i never give two weeks notice for a job i just leave why yeah why right that's what i that's what i used to do and one day i was like you know what i've been at this

restaurant job for almost a year and i wasn't happy and i was like let me go give them my two weeks notice i'm a grown-up first time i gave two weeks notice they were like if you're not happy you could just leave right now i was like i wasn't ready you thought you were banking on another check for two weeks oh my god and then they escorted me out i was like i'm gonna steal some forks they gonna walk me out they jazzy jeffed you they watched me clock out and then they were like i was like oh that there yeah that they were shady unless they just didn't because i wouldn't have clocked out i would have kept my hours going i'm like oh exactly that's why they were like go ahead and put your number i was like damn i'm sorry you had to go through

that yeah well i mean now i don't have a job but you're free and you're and it forces you to work harder for yourself being an entrepreneur is very important yeah that story was from like a couple years ago i've been fired from many many jobs since then but you don't consider yourself you don't both of you don't consider yourself to be entrepreneurs yes when i file my taxes i'll be like this well i'm not gonna do that other form entrepreneur can you explain entrepreneurship can you explain it you work for yourself if you don't work you don't eat but like more more it's more hands-on than like if you don't go to a job it's like you constantly have to cultivate means of income for yourself your independent contract okay so that's us that's us we do that we work

from home and we think of we try to we walk by a we work and look in it and say oh that's nice yeah you got i mean i think also because of the industry that we're in people think that like comedy itself working in the city is enough no but no it's not you know what i mean and i think um there's so much like you said you guys hosted a party like there's so many other things you could do you know you all of us have done television you know writing and all that stuff you have to kind of cultivate it it's not going nobody's saying oh you a comic so here's all the things you could do as a comic like nobody tells you that you just gotta you gotta figure out what it is and everything that you do you do as a comic is not the same thing somebody else who's a comic

can also do yeah because i'm not trying to walk no dogs i just can't it's my soul they won't allow me to do it i'm gonna tell the truth i don't like dogs i like dogs and i still don't want to walk them i'm not picking up dog poop in a little warm ziploc bag but the thing is you gotta promote yourself so you gotta have a website you gotta have a resume you don't have a website no i don't mailing list or something why not why not it's so easy it's so easy you just even if you just have a single page up with like how email me and here's my phone number ah yeah yeah we should do that people want it you don't have one either no i don't that my boyfriend the one that i had x amount of years ago for christmas got me a website what and then we broke up so i never

heard of that i mean i never set it up saying i was in the process of like thinking about what it would look like and then we broke up and it was like i can't then be like you're yes you can you still doing that website for me that you promised me uh yeah but all you needed was the page information you could have got someone else to take care of it you got a plan so your first order of business both of you just taking a man to get me another website no before the year's over is to go and put up a web page, a web page at least, a photo of yourself,

links to your work, links to your website, I mean to your podcast, an email address, and a phone number that they can reach you out. Get a Google voice number so nobody's stalking your real life. Yeah, we don't need that.

Google voice that. Write that down for me. And make it happen. Because people will see you and they don't remember, but they can remember your name and they'll Google you. Every single job

From being on television From writing for TV Every single job that I've gotten Has come through people Looking me up through my website Yeah Interesting Last comic standing

Nightly show Comedy Every single It's people just calling My Google voice number Off my website And be like hi Do you have a manager?

No I don't have a manager And I don't have an agent And how much does this page cost? A webpage is free Really? Yes Why we don't have a webpage? We could have a webpage

For the podcast Yes Yes you should definitely I'm going for the pot Marie Cause y'all thinking Y'all thinking like This fucking 10 years ago

When this shit was like Thousands of dollars I know I'm like We gotta go on GoDaddy.com Or no You can go to Wix You can go to Wix

You can actually go to You can make a page on Tumblr I just wrote free Yeah Word free down with a dollar sign Okay Yeah go make it on Wix We can work on that on Christmas

Squarespace That's our news resolution Squarespace Squarespace Get it together Y'all got plenty of photos Just put them up We sure do

We sure do It's too many Now Chloe you're obviously good at like giving other people advice to help them fix their life but there are other things that you uh claim to be good at that i wanted to maybe talk about um what other skills do you have that you feel like people listening might be i'm a i'm a big dick magnet well because you're a tall woman right people with big dicks are like yeah she can handle this no no not necessarily you just have to know you can you can get a feel of literally no pun intended um you can

get a feel of whether or not a guy is packing. How? Because he walks real slow? No. In my experience, the men I know that have huge dicks... Got good posture? No. Got bad backs.

I think they carry themselves in a way that's a little bit more subtle. So they don't talk much? That mute nigga got 12 inches. Or he can't... Or you got a stutter, sis. The thing I can't.

They just aren't pressed for the pussy. You get what I'm saying? The way they carry themselves is very just like, it's whatever you want. It's like, you cool. I'm not pressed to fuck you. I feel like, I don't know, Khloe. The dudes that don't get pussy are a hump in your leg. The dude that has a big old dick is like, we cool.

And also, because I'm an honest person, if I feel like I've met you in a good enough situation and we're talking, it's a good conversation, I'm just going to ask you how big your dick is. You just going to ask how big the dick is? Up top. Wait, even if you're not interested in him, you're just going to ask? You're a child of God and you're asking this type of questions? Yep. At brunch.

At brunch? In the daylight? Because I feel like this, and this is what women don't realize. If a man fixes his mouth to start asking you sexually explicit questions, like, so tell me because you know dudes say this shit like so what's

your favorite position like what kind of love maker are you like just when you start asking me that I'm going to turn around

and be like how wait how big is your Marie has anybody ever asked you that sure but not recently I'm a lady now but like yeah

guys men have never I know men have asked you that me yeah early like early like getting to know

like first date second date they'll slip in a little sex question some kind of way and you be like what I thought we was

talking about I used to do that And now my response is, wait, before I answer that question, how big is your dick? But can you tell when they lie? No, actually, most of them are so shocked that they end up just telling you the truth. They can't believe that you mixed your mouth to say that. I don't even believe a man can tell the truth after that question. You got to do it yourself.

You got to measure that shit yourself. No, wait, no. Every man know how big their dick is. They lying. They lying if they say they don't know. Half of them can't even afford a ruler. No. No, you know what it is?

they won't tell you most guys if their dick is less than like seven inches they'll be like but if their dick is seven or better they'll be like oh seven they'll be like seven inches or eight probably like nine ten one dude was like it's ten and i was like you're like he was like no it's ten and i was like and did you find out i damn sure did find out how was that all of the 10 inches oh my god did you introduce yourself to all three of these inches yeah i damn sure did yes wow you could take 10 inches clyde she's six foot one sis you gotta just you know that doesn't mean anything that means you could have she could have a short uh cervix no it's not her small uterus back no it's appropriate it's appropriate it's sizable yeah it's like you know people who are

tall have big feet everybody who every woman your womb is big like yeah but my insurance is not 10 insurance i can't take that it's like four four less is my insurance yeah that ain't for me i've seen one i was dating this dude he was from ghana and he he had like 10 or i felt like more and i was like no i'm not doing that nope i said i can't i will not that's not going in my mouth that's not going to my ears that's not going through any hole that i have across my forehead no please take your dick and i don't even have enough hand for that nope not doing it blocks your blessings most block your blessings most dudes with big dicks if they know if they know that they have a big dick they're not going to just try and like ram it in you you probably get that first couple times

you probably get half the dick in they know not to go all the way to the base if there's a half the dick then the other half don't need to know me okay other half of the dick nice to meet you from all the way over here from eight inches away we could be friends i'm unapologetic and being a size queen that's just what it is and it's good because when you let people know they know what they got to bring to the table yeah but i feel like just looking at my my you're looking at my no i'm not i'm looking at your i'm looking at your uterus right now yes i'm like chloe so you've never been with a guy that had like a little dick no i have i have how long were you with him like in a relationship yeah i've only been in one relationship okay so did you continue

to hook up with this uh troll the guy with the big dick no the little one no no first of all two different conversations i've only been around relationship and i was very satisfied in that relationship okay okay and when it comes to the big dick guys you know it lasts however long it lasts yes but how about the little dude with the little dick dude uh how long was he all right in the past like probably six or seven years have i been with a guy with a tiny penis um maybe once like sexually once and you got your own car so you saw that you were like i'm out bye i don't have to wait like do you validate well two things the guy that had the small dick he like i we have went out a couple times and then i finally was like okay i'll go back to his place where'd he take

you because the guy with a small dick gonna take you somewhere nice like sushi and shit i gotta to get you something nice to eat so you can be full because i'm not gonna fill you up these shallow strokes is all you're gonna get tonight okay so you're gonna need some more uh uh sushi for that yep sushi for the table um no we went out this is a while ago we went out to a couple restaurants all brooklyn stuff because like you know local local bars and that you know a couple drinks and so so i was like finally okay i'll go back to this place and this is the this I should have been like I was out the door but even more so

I was like I'm never going to talk to him again His place was a pigsty Talk about it, tell your truth Chloe, talk about the truth So disgusting You get ready to go on a date and you like In the back of your mind you think you might bring somebody back home You can't tidy up a little bit

No it was beyond tidy up It was like move shit with your feet Slide it over You kept your jacket on You're like I'm keeping my jacket on when I go to the bathroom That's how nasty this place is i'm not taking my shoes off i'm gonna hold my coat under my arm listen i i went to a guy's house and he told me to take my shoes off and i was like you haven't mobbed in seven years i will not

take my shoes off he said take my i said so have you been taking your shoes off because it looked like you've been stomping all up and through this bitch yeah no no so place was disgusting place was disgusting you knew you should have left but you stayed yeah but i was like well Did you feel like the dick was going to be good? Or did you feel like it was going to be big? Well, this is what happened. I didn't know what I thought it was. You didn't have enough gas in your car.

That's what happened. Phone was about to die. I need to charge up. It was at 23%. It was about to go yellow. She's like, I can't get on the road like this. I can't get on the road like this. I can't be on a BQE with 10%.

so you and your dying phone stay at the house okay so yeah i think if i remember correctly he his place was a mess his place was a mess um but he was like really adamant about like you know eat my pussy so i was like oh well you don't want to yeah and then the grace of god thankfully um he didn't have any condoms i was like oh good night did you have your coat on while he was eating in my mind you just like left everything on including your shoes yep shoes socks everything she's i had her gloves on sis you you let her eat you out through the like little hole right here you're like through the zipper listen you gotta do what you gotta do oh my god stand that i love that i want to deny him the

pleasure of you know pleasing me yeah i mean some people they they get joy out of seeing other people who are happy so i'm not one of those people i'm not one of those folks i don't i've never understood it if i'm not happy ain't nobody gonna be happy yeah i just don't get it yeah yeah that you that miserable no i'm not what i'm a happy person but when i'm not you said she said if i'm not happy nobody's gonna be right when i'm happy it's like gold falling from the heavens it's like whatever but like and i'm usually happy but if i'm not happy i'm not gonna try to make you feel good not you specifically oh i took it as like if you're not happy you fucking everything up i thought it was like everything's burning because i'm not happy no i mean i might like

start a little fire but like i'm not gonna burn everything it's not gonna be you know california that's crazy i haven't seen you like that when i'm not in a good mood i'm not in a good mood and i'm not gonna pretend to be i think that maybe you you don't pretend you don't pretend but i feel like you know you stay to yourself and usually people could tell when you're not in a good mood like oh let's give marie some time and yet sometimes it takes them a little bit of me yelling at them for them to leave me alone really yeah who are you talking to i'm just talking to the listeners okay because i was like you're not talking to me i'm talking to the listeners wait so chloe has told telling the truth ever gotten you in trouble that's what i want to

yeah like so i have like somebody with a little dick or a dusty dick or a dry dick ever pulled out or a friend like damn no you know why because it's about how it's and it took me a while i used to get in trouble i was with a lot i used to get in trouble a lot because all my friends and the people that i cared about when i would tell them stuff they would say it's not what you say it's how you say it yeah how would you say it chloe um well when i was younger like college early 20s i would say it like literally i would like you know what you need to do is oh which is hate that not literally the line that's like you don't really want to be my friend because because it's like you're forcing them to change or be somebody that they're not this is me yeah so instead of me being

like judgmental yes in my honesty and being like i know everything especially because you can't really act like you know everything when you don't have life experience and here i was like early 20s 21 being like you know what you need to and what you really need to do is so i don't do that anymore so now when i when i'm having a conversation with somebody and they ask my opinion which is also key one let's be black for your opinion or ask what you think and then if it's about them personally i would say what have you thought about are you guys switching up are you open to you gotta let them think it was their idea well yeah but it's like it's i'm still saying a truthful thing but it's like i'm not forcing it on them it's like what have you thought

about if you say to me oh i think i want to i want to paint my apartment i'm like well have you thought about like pastels or browns or whatever like whatever it is you know and i would say because i feel like that's a good vibe for you and what you're going through right now it'll help cheer you up and you're like oh i haven't thought about it and you'll give more thought to it versus be like make this bitch fuchsia fuchsia is the only color that's going and you were like no even if it was a color that i like the way you delivered it okay so you low-key be like manipulating people by, like, not telling them. Chloe was like, no shade.

I just feel like when you wear your real hair, you'll be yourself. And I do believe that. I believe that only because I know you well enough to know what your hair means to you. What? What does it mean to me? I am not my hair.

I am not this skin. You get what I'm saying? I know what your aesthetic means to you. So when I say that, I'm saying it because i feel as though and i didn't want to bring it on you in your wigs but you did so i feel like i brought it upon myself to get these truths no i feel like i feel like your initial reason for wearing wigs may have been because of what you did for work yes okay yes and so it was filling a role but also not it's not time consuming i get my hair

done and then boom when the next time you gotta get your hair done me yeah i washed it yesterday so in a week okay so yeah so the reason why i said it is because when you were in that line of work right you couldn't be the black queen that you you had to fit an aesthetic and the way that people perceived you was based on that aesthetic yes because you were selling a vision a dream an experience right but comedy is about who you are innately as a person so that's why i say when you become fully appreciative and own who you are from nappy roots to chiptoe nails then you i own my nails sis but not your nappy roots i'm just saying i'm saying that you can stand in your truth on stage and that way nobody

is critical of you. Yes, permanently her truth is silky body twist. It's a middle part with a little bit of concealer on it and a body twist. Her truth currently is a 22 inch to the waist or a blunt bow. And I'm not saying that you never have to wear a wig again. I'm just

saying that, you know, when the wig isn't a masking thing or a part of your personality, then it's just an accessory. Then it's literally just an accessory. You hear that, listeners? Put that hair away and Stand in your own truth Walk in your own light

Whatever that means Sounds like standing in my light is expensive and time consuming I mean wigs cost money too though They do And I don't want anybody listening to me like well fuck this bitch Uh uh they with you Chloe has hair She got hair

When you straighten this how long It's past my shoulders but I also have wigs I have wigs I do crochet I do braids I do protective hairstyles But those things are not synonymous with my identity no yeah you're right i'm saying you can still wear wigs but it shouldn't be a big crux of who you are and how you present yourself that's i mean it's gotten to the point now that like white people say the word wig and they look at sydney like a black girl with a wig and then they're

like gesture at her with their oh my god and i'm like i i don't say nothing about wigs that's noah garden shorts and he rude because he think he's uh you know partial black i mean he said something about wigs yesterday and then you stuck your head out and he was like, oh, a black one with a wig.

He felt comfortable. Everybody laughed. He was comfortable. He was comfortable, but when is a tall white Jewish man not comfortable? Facts.

Honestly. I mean, they're the most comfortable people in the world. Chloe, if you could say, if you could tell

the truth to somebody you maybe didn't tell the truth to in the past, what would that be? Who would you talk to? What would you say? Who did you lie to

or keep something from? You know, Now's your chance. I don't think I have a moment where I wish I had said something differently to somebody. Really? You don't never be in the shower like, I should have said, and then you come up with a whole argument. I feel like you watch what you say. Yeah, because I realize that there are times when I have been flippant, when you just be talking and be talking.

I've had two instances of people coming to me years later and being like you know because when you said that thing to me it really made me feel like shit or it really made me like reevaluate and I'm like I don't fucking know what I said. They brought it years back? They was holding on to that? You gotta let that

shit go. I didn't even realize you know a friend of mine at the time she stopped talking to me and initially I just thought she was like in her feelings about something that didn't relate to me but then she came to me years lady and was like yeah because i just felt like you like you said x y and z to me and i just felt like that wasn't supportive and i was like i honestly didn't even put any weight behind it

and so i think she also was dealing with her own stuff as well though because if you if one thing you say one thing to me and i'm not gonna speak to you like and not even address it that's like i got a whole bunch of other things going on in my life as well yeah but how much stuff between them had been brewing you know what i mean like it's like because if you're not exactly if you're not honest like if you you two are really close friends and i feel like ain't at any infraction you should bring it up because it'll just breed contention and then next thing you know you'll eat her last potato chip and she'll be like fuck this friendship you know what i'm saying you kind of have to and i think i'm more mindful especially when it comes to like my friends and

family to address it as much as i can before it becomes a big thing before it becomes i don't like something if i feel like you said something that i didn't appreciate then i'll you know and I'm and I'm not above apologizing so I will apologize because you know when you know when you care about people you can tell when you hurt their feelings and I think an immature person be like so what they'll get over it and a lot of times yes that's rude I think that's rude yeah you kind of have to apologize and you know say I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you or hurt you you know and also you the apology has to be good you can't just be like I'm sorry that what I said hurt you versus I'm sorry for what I said yeah I'm sorry that you you didn't like what I said

Don't apologize Don't be apologizing about my feelings Apologizing about what you said to make me feel this way Take ownership Chloe you should be like a mediator or something Yeah in a past life maybe I would Or like a pastor's wife A youth minister

I feel like you could do a little book A little book You could do a little fix your life Is it giving me Oprah at 4.5 Yeah I see it You'd be Oprah in a sweatshirt. You'd just be sitting on a couch, mad, comfy. What's the end goal for you?

Like, in an ideal world, where would you end up? In an ideal world, I have my own company now, but really bringing it to fruition, like, from beginning to end. I want to write, produce, direct. You know, not necessarily starring, but appearing works that I create. I'm all about creating my own thing. I don't really rely on other people to do stuff for me. And I think that comes from the bullying and being the only child.

So I definitely want to incorporate people into my vision, but I'm not going to compromise who I am and what I want to achieve to fit in somebody else's stuff. And it's okay to take a little bit more time, but to be a hundred percent happy in who you are and what you've achieved. That was like the most wealth oil answer to that question. I feel like you've been having that on you. Like that's just a question that I let that out into the universe.

She was ready. She was prepared. Sydney, if I asked you the same question, would you even like what is your end goal my end goal yeah well first of all i want to believe in myself more because i i have good ideas take off the wig sis no bitch shut up that's where the belief starts i'm so tired of you you gotta go bald headed and full of I mean, that is, it is, it's symptomatic, though. You know that, right?

So tired. I can't. I can't look like shit. My head looks crazy. No, listen, a lot of it, it's mainly for convenience. I understand it. But you also got to realize that the convenience is sometimes is shortchanging you appreciating who you are. If you're constantly ignoring, it's like being fat.

It's like, yeah, I could go work out, but I don't want to spend the time, the hour and a half a day, or I don't want to change my diet. it's such easy to eat a mcdonald's like the convenience convenience can also kill you sis my hair's not fat okay it's just financially unstable oh man hair is hard it's extremely hard and sometimes i'm just like as another woman telling a woman like well you should just you know i feel like you could do this with your hair it's like can i come over my house and just help me every day i'm more than willing to show you how to do different styles for your hair i see the tutorials there's tutorials all over i see the tutorials and i see them and i'm like that's nice that's nice but you don't

believe it works for you listen i could barely like that goes back to the coloring books i can't draw in the lines how i'm gonna set up my hair but do these braids and whatnot understand that that is a part of the confidence so what i'm saying is that your hair is not literally your hair it's symbolic of other things so when you're saying that you're not confident i wish i had more confidence we're like well where your hair i don't want to do it because i don't feel like i'll do that's all all of that is confident damn dude full circle chloe are you the hair expert because i feel like you are i feel like you really are okay so finish your goals you said you want to be more confident i just want to be more confident in my ideas because i have really good ideas and

when i flesh them out i know that they can come to something bigger than what they are just in my head and i think that's like where it first starts just making sure my ideas are on paper and me being able to pitch them properly so people be like oh yeah i'm all bored with that because i see shows and i'm like what was the pitch for that how did they make that happen because that don't make no damn sense it's a lot of bad tv on tv but some great pitches they was in that room like well we know people that like they are constantly on pilots and they're constantly shooting shows but the shows be trash and they get canceled after the first two episodes but that person is on something else in like another couple months and you're like well what what are

these meetings look it's a bitch what they be wearing once you sell yourself then they always earmark you especially if you're a person of color they're like oh we need a black woman okay we have 10 women that we've met and seen that we like we just drop them in until one fit and then also you got to realize when you do pitches everybody in the room which is why i'm more prone to like do stuff on my own or like with my own network of people whenever you go to a business meeting every look around that room that conference table everybody in that conference table has to has to validate their salary so every single person is going to try and figure out some little way to add a ditty high hat to your shit so that they look good and it gives reason oh why

they make two hundred thousand dollars a year so you go in it with your own pitch and it has to go through a filter of 10 people whether they're qualified or not yeah and they all end up changing your shit and then you end up having a product that you fucking hate because everybody had to put their hand in it yeah so you know don't think that you need a network or industry people to validate you sometimes you just may have to do shit on your own yeah boom shaka like a boom thank you chloe this has been so everything and more i just i wasn't expecting it to be this deep but also i feel like i see you now you got crystals in your pocket yeah oh you but you do got crystals though yeah you sleep with somebody a pillow

yeah do you put incense in your cervix what's up i feel like i feel like you got the energy the chakras and everything you got a you got a dream catcher tattoo on your lower back you got a third eye on your clitoris what's up sis word wow chloe where can people listening catch you oh yes um i have a podcast maria is going to be a guest on it very soon it's called social misfit with chloe hilliard and you can see me on chloehilliard.com i have all my shows listed join my mailing list on my website chloehilliard.com join my mailing list because i send out exclusives in the new year of video clips and show promotions and ticket sales and all that stuff so join the list and i'm on instagram and twitter chloe underscore

Hillyard. Can you spell Hillyard? Hillyard. H-I-L-L-I-A-R-D. Boom. Hillyard. You can catch us here every week or catch us on Patreon for bonus episodes every freaking Wednesday. That was beautiful. This was so good. Sydney, come over here and let me grease your scalp.

Will you do that for me? No, I wouldn't. Bye, guys! Bye. you