MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Angry Expert" with Rosebud Baker

Episode Date: September 21, 2018

It's Marie's birthday! So what do you do when it's your birthday and you're recording a podcast? You get yourself a gift. And what is the best gift? Rosebud Baker (Two Less Lonely Girls podcast) as your guest!Rosebud is the Angry Expert so she knows everything about...well, being angry! She joins Sydnee and Marie to discuss growing up with a mean Southern father, the people who were shitty in high school, horrible open-mic nights with guys who stepped over the line, and so much more.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Oh, hi guys. Hello. It's Maureen Faustin. In Sydney, Washington. We haven't said our names up top in a minute. I know, but I was caught off guard. I didn't know that we were recording. I was just running my mouth about how loud it is in the studio.

I could have stayed home for this. I mean, we could have cut that out. No, leave that in there. Please leave it in. Leave it in so people are in the moment and they know they're here with us. It's not soundproof, obviously. Hey, guys, shout out to everybody who's still listening. Because, honestly, who are you here?

We really, really appreciate your support. Really. You're doing a lot for the community. Somebody who listens to the podcast came to see me perform on Monday. And got me some fries So really I'm just grateful for that Anytime I'm out and you guys come see me Please feed me

Because a lot of y'all have come out to see me And then you just hug me and you leave And who wants that? That's not enough It's disrespectful I mean if you met Beyonce, wouldn't you take Beyonce to lunch? And you definitely should take her out Because it's her birthday It's my birthday

On September 23rd So Sydney planned a surprise party for me at the studio there are Bert and Ernie hats they're Sesame Street

hats yes what are these things you blow into it was supposed to be little whistle things but obviously there's a

there's no whistle Party City sucks I walked in it looked like you had a Capri Sun straw in your mouth no I was like

is she still drinking that hood juice no yes so we have cake and ice cream and I just want my friend the thickest

for her birthday party thank you so much for trying to get me thick for that truly greatest gift that you can give me I'm trying to do what I can 15 pounds

just eat the whole damn cake you know what eat the cake anime yes I'm gonna do what I can with my mouth yes so

give her presents Venmo her what's your Venmo it's Marie Foster yes if you know if you know how to spell if you know how to spell

Marie Foster if you know how to spell I'll take your money if you don't know how to spell Marie spelled M-A-R-I-E cause people keep spelling it with a Y or they spell it the right way

and they call me Mary which we all know is a fat white lady do we know skinny black girls named Mary no actually I don't I feel like if it's a white woman named Mary she's fat and if it's a black girl named Mary she can't read so I'm neither of those things

so I'm skinny and I can read so it's just Marie we just lost 30 listeners from that don't know fat white women listen to this and don't know illiterate people listen to this it's a bunch of skinny gays That are well read Wow, Marie

It's her birthday So please excuse her Nah, you know You was getting this Okay Also, also If you see her in the subway Please swipe her

Give her a swipe My card is unlimited For the month It's fine I paid $121 For this card That should not be that much But, you know

Sis, sis The voice What's going on? Oh my God Do you hear it? It's gone It's around that time It's around that time

Where I lose my voice again The bronchitis Thank you so much But right in time for like, you know, like a sexy birthday serenade at my party tomorrow. So I'm excited about it. Oh, my God. Happy birthday to you. Wow.

Toni Braxton sounds great. Thank you so much. Yes. Toni Braxton had bronchitis. Yes. If Toni Braxton had 17 more dollars, she would sound like me. Because, you know, she bankrupt. Sydney, what's going on with you?

You still got the brass knuckles on? I do. I do. I do. And we're doing sunglasses inside? Yes. Okay. I saw our guest and she looked at me like, are you all right?

And I was like, let me put my sunglasses on. You've been crying? You want to talk about it? I said, let me put my sunglasses on. No, definitely not. What's wrong with your eyes? You know, you just have late nights. I have allergies.

You got pink eye? Gross. You are a grown ass woman and you don't have a child. I got glaucoma and cataracts in my eyes. You forgot your lashes at home Yes You know when the glue Gets in the like center

And you're like No No That's gross Yes Well your hair looks great Thank you I fixed the edges

Because you know When we were in Vegas Staying at the Blank blank I had that blank dust All up and through my scalp So I had to just get it out You know you just

Shampoo and condition your scalp I could do that But I also could be like I just need to take some of this blank remnants out of my fucking head. If you're saying blank, people are going to think that we stayed in a motel, sis. Oh, my God. Basically. Sis, sis.

We were doing Miami style, yo. Yo. When we went to Miami. I like staying in nice places when I travel. I feel like I should be somewhere cute. Yes. And, you know, like, what if I meet somebody when I'm on a trip and I want to bring them back to the room? Has that ever happened?

No. But, like, what if it does? What if it's about to? back to the crib um yeah I've never brought anybody back to the hotel

that wasn't that their card wasn't already on the hotel room anyway for incidentals yes listen when you go to hotels

and they ask for your card for incidentals you'd be like actually I mean they were supposed to be taking care of all of this yeah can you just put it on the card

that booked the room and they're like no I need a card here oh sis I ain't got it they were like sis you're going to be in the lobby for a minute for incidentals

It's like, well, what do you mean? Nothing's going to happen. Give me my card back. Let's talk about your expertise first. Let's. OK, sure. My expertise this week, I feel like I was an expert at being patient. Oh, yeah.

Which is that, you know, that's not that ain't me. That's not my truth. That's not my ministry. And so last week, Sydney and I went to a restaurant with somebody from Eater. Yes. Which is like, I guess, a big deal. It is. to like,

he took us to like a restaurant that we couldn't afford so that we can then go back to the Eater Studios and like record like a podcast about food. And so we went, we got food.

Sydney ordered lobster. It was crazy. She didn't eat the lobster. She rude. It's so bad. Well, we told you it was going to be bad. And then.

As a Haitian woman, you were like, you're going to just waste all this food. Because lobsters, it's so much work. It is. For like very little payoff.

Right? Like, and they didn't give us no garlic butter. So I was like, they treat me better at Red Lobster. I'm just letting you know

They give me They give me the sauce You're eating The sauce The sauce Well you're eating Imitation lobster With the sauce

Well it's showy It's good You know like that That white and pink Fake crab meat That people think Oh I love People swear it's crab

It's so fucking good It tastes like I don't know It really tastes like The bodega It tastes like diabetes And high blood pressure You should not

It tastes like the bodega It gives me It gives me good I don't know It just It's so good for me No it's bad for you That's why your eyes

Look like that Shut up And so So we went back to the studio to record the podcast. And I was like, oh, it's going to be so funny. We're going to have a good time. And I was trying to crack jokes the entire time. And Sydney was being so serious.

I was. It was not fun for me. I was like talking about like dicks and like paying with your book. Like it was stuff. I was talking about stuff that I don't even normally talk about. And Sydney was like the ambiance of the restaurant. And I was like, oh, my God, this is going to be so bad. It's going to be awful.

she was like the food was delicious and i was like what like oh my god i was like and she like gave it like a real restaurant review which is not what they wanted right they wanted us to just like he's heard the podcast before he was like you guys y'all are rude y'all are funny just talk about food yes i'm a future beforehand if it comes up it comes up and sydney was like so by the book that i was like i was like annoyed and i was gonna call you about it this weekend and okay so we just gonna handle it on the podcast wait for my expertise sis you hear me talking

but when we were leaving the dude was a little bit like oh no man I don't know what this podcast cause he didn't seem like he thought it was that funny either and so then the episode came out and he said it was great and he said his editor the editor in chief at Eater loved it and then I started listening to it

this morning and it was cool and I was like okay well see I exercised patience and didn't yell at Sydney on the podcast or shape her this weekend because I knew she was working, you know, and it came out fine. So you see this is that's why I'm an expert

being patient. That was great. Thank you so much. Let's clap. Everybody in the studio clap it up for Marie bitch ass for having patience. Bitch ass! Okay, Sydney, what were you an expert in this week? Hmm. I don't know. I'm just

Are you stunned? Are you flabbergasted? I'm I'm struggling this week and you know it happens and so I sometimes forget that like when I'm struggling I may I get I make it about me and I get like in my head and I'm not thinking about other people right and so I remembered a friend is going through it as well so I I called that friend and I hadn't called her in a while and I actually just listened to what she was going through right and i was like i i have to do better with even if i'm having a hard time i have to listen to other people because you might can get something from like what they're going yes and it

was um it was good i was glad that i was able to you know call and facetime and yeah and see the tears like in 3d oh 3d yeah imax tears and so i guess i was an expert in you know being there oh look at us being good people this week yeah honestly and truly you got to be there even when you can't be there for yourself sometimes it helps you get out of whatever you're fucking dealing with yeah i mean because sometimes it makes you step outside of your situation to just be like oh i mean i guess it could be worse um or i mean i i'm doing bad but i'm not doing that bad right so i feel like then i talked to her and i was like oh you ain't doing that back oh her or you her oh well then sometimes like sometimes also it's a it's cool not cool but

it's good to hear what other people are struggling with because maybe even if their problems aren't as big as yours you could be like yeah but i'm not that petty like you know what i mean like sometimes it makes you feel good because you you can like think worse about your friends absolutely maybe that's just me my uh patient skills uh speaking of skills uh our guest today Is somebody that I really enjoy And I think that y'all are going to like her Because she tells it like it is also Sydney

She's very Maria Jason Thank you so much Which is why I think I like this person Also she's funny So funny She went to Just for Laughs This summer in Montreal Big deal

Big deal Same thing that Marie went to Big deal New Faces And she also has a podcast Two Less Lonely Girls Justin Bieber based podcast Justin Bieber-based podcast that is incredible.

I haven't heard it, but I heard great things about it. Give it up for Rosebud Baker, our angry expert. Okay, first of all, it is about Justin Bieber, but we stalk Justin Bieber, okay? It's not like this podcast about, I just need to clear that up right away, okay? Because you feel like that was the flaw in it. Listen, listen up.

I will fucking defend Justin Bieber to the death. Okay, well, defend his current look, his hair and little creepy mustache situation. You know what? I can't defend that exactly, but here's the thing. He has been famous since he was like eight years old. Okay.

Maybe he is looking like a piece of shit so that he can blend in. No, dude. We know who it's from. The fact that you're able to stalk him. You stalked him even though he looks homeless. So that means he stands out even amongst the homeless folk. He does.

I know. You can't hide money. He looks like a young Kid Rock. You can't hide money. My name is Kid Bieber. I don't even, I've never even heard Kid Rock. That's a damn lie. You used to watch TRL back in the early 2000s.

I literally never did. Rosebud by your eyebrows. I know that you know a couple of Kid Rock songs. Never in my life. Never in my life. Okay, first of all, I didn't know I was coming on here to get roasted. I don't know why you didn't think that. You didn't know where you were coming from.

Second, second, I just need a little piece of butter cake to fuel up on this. Can you get me ice cream? Because I don't want it to melt in this whorm studio. So, roast bud. We're going to call you roast bud because you be roasting people too. I do. Which I like. I do.

And also, you've done like roast battles here in the city. How? So, a roast battle. I'm so done with those. Right. Listen, a roast battle is when they put two comics against each other and they have like, what is it? Like a minute to say as many jokes as possible to each other?

Yeah. you just go back and forth with jokes just like joking about like the most horrible shit that's ever happened to you it's a very formal roast it's like it's a very formal roast you sit down and you think about these jokes about some like the worst thing possible you can think of someone you write a well-crafted joke about it sometimes it's not well-crafted sometimes it is not it's just mean yeah that's the problem with those well that's the problem with unfunny people but it's like if you have it's not the problem the problem is not with the roast the problem is that not everyone is good at it and so if you have a joke that you think is gonna crush it like you

better be positive it's gonna crush because if it doesn't it just comes off mean so it has to be funnier than it is mean because y'all be talking about people family members dying and people's mothers beating them and saying people got aids when they really do have aids it's like crazy when y'all roast each other you're really saying stuff that you know about the other person how are they getting this information I don't know a lot of people I just ask them you know I'll be like what is

you think I would tell you about my herpes girl bye but like you can it doesn't have to be the worst shit that's ever happened to them like I'll be like what is it that you're comfortable with me writing jokes about I'll be like none of it none of it if you say the wrong thing I'm gonna punch you in the face I'm gonna wait outside for you that's why you wouldn't sign

up for it you know like the people that sign up for this are willing to go for it. They got no self-esteem. Not I, said the cat. They've asked me and Sidney to roast each other many times. Why? I'm sure. I said, I don't need that type of negativity in my life. We really don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we see each other enough, we don't need to be roasting each other.

Also, if I know white people we don't know, I wouldn't tell Sidney none of my business. You guys have seen the roasts. I know for a fact that you guys have seen certain roasts that I've done that you immediately texted me about. I got the video. like this is the greatest moment of my life

so I know that you can enjoy it as long as you're not doing it. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy them. Yeah. If somebody that I don't like is getting thoroughly roasted it's beautiful. Wait, what was one of the jokes that you did at your roast? I can't. I can't. I don't remember them. Oh, I remember

a couple of them. Yo, when we had the video we were like run that back, run that back. We were in an Uber pool listening to it at full volume and we were like can we plug this into the office? Yeah. It was so messy, Marie It was beautiful

It was fun, it was a fun one But is that how you channel some of your anger? In those battles? Yeah, I think that was one of the ways That I realized I was so angry I was like, oh, it's a lot easier for me to write jokes When I'm angry about something Now, what does a young, well-to-do

White woman have to be angry about? Because you Come on, Rosebud You look like you had a racquetball club membership or something like i really do i really do you look like you shop at um i don't know rag and bone yeah you know it's uh it's i don't know i don't know what i have to be angry about when i really like focusing on it i'm like i don't have that much to be angry about but you don't have to have something to be angry about to just be angry like you could just be an angry

person which i have been since i was a kid do you have angry parents my dad yeah my dad he's a he's a real mean he's he's a mean guy what's his deal he's like uh okay so he is um a lawyer and my mom is like a painter right so i come from so he's working all hard and your mom and your mom's like i think i should put some flowers here yeah my mom's a painter and my dad's a lawyer and my dad is like you know he had four five daughters he didn't know what to do he was just angry he was mad about that he was mad we were all supposed to be men and he just failed miserably each time right so he never created a man and uh and that was his fault you know uh right so he was angry about that um but also like he was just he was mean but in the funniest ways like when i look

back when i was a kid my dad would come to these plays that i would do right and he would he would sit in the front row and then he would fall asleep and i remember him coming in college and falling asleep in the front row with his drink in his hand and i remember coming up to him afterwards and being like you fell asleep i can't believe you fell asleep was so dramatic he goes well maybe you know he's like he's from texas he's like well you know maybe if it was a better play i wouldn't have fallen asleep oh my god and i'm just like that is you know looking back at that i go like that's fucking funny like that's a funny thing your dad would have got along with my mom because my mom went to my talent show in high school and she took off of work yeah she had like she had a

trench coat on she had her sunglasses on she would not take them off she sat in the front and i sang oh holy night yes and when i tell you ramona marie was so angry you could see the heat coming off her wig like her wig wanted to just pop off and then at the end of it she's like next time don't have me take off her work for this bullshit and then i was like you right you're right you're right yeah i never sang again yeah i was like all i needed was my mom to be like don't have me take off for this i'm not i'm not losing my hours i know she's like now you can't eat next week because we don't have money for it she's like a whole day off for that dry ass voice I mean, being a parent is a pain in the ass.

You know, I feel like if I I wish that I had been an adult, like adult me had heard my dad say that because I would have cracked up. You know what I mean? Because the funniest part about it was I wrote the fucking play. So I'm like, he's like, well, maybe if it was a better play, if maybe I wouldn't have fallen asleep, if it was a better play. I'm like, I wrote it. Did he know that you wrote the play? Apparently not. And I was like, Dad, I was like, I wrote the play.

and he goes well you're not fucking shakespeare i don't know what you're that sounds fantastic but also hilarious terrible he's terrible yeah but he's also like as a comic i'm like that's the reason i became a comic yeah like that's my sense of humor you know but you need it though sometimes you need a little bit of that you do just steer you in the direction like hey maybe plays ain't for me yes maybe i'm not good maybe that's not my lane but i could do something else Maybe that's not my lane. Maybe that's not what I should do. Yeah.

My dad was, you know, he was always like, you're very funny. You should do comedy. He's like, and I was like, I'm a serious actress. Yeah. He was like, all right, well, nobody likes theater. That's what he said to me. He's like, nobody wants to. That's why they have matinees, because nobody wants to waste their whole night at a theater.

Oh, my God. Yes. Damn. I want to hang out with your dad. Can he get on a podcast? I know. I want him to be James Baker. James Baker.

James. We got some time. James Baker. James seemed like he might say the N-word on the weekends. She said he's from Texas. She said he's from Texas. He might say it while sipping on an Old Fashioned. I've never heard him say it, but you know what?

I'm not going to say. That's how y'all do it. You're like, well, he's never been racist in front of me. Not in front of me. I can't confirm or deny. I can't confirm or deny whatever happens in his car. James seems like one of those people that when he sees somebody who's down on their luck or homeless, he just says thoughts and prayers. Oh, he is definitely one of those.

Puts no money in the cup. Oh, my God. Thoughts and prayers. Definitely one of those, yeah. So you had that anger from a kid. Yeah. Also, my mom's really Southern, you know, so she wouldn't ever admit that she was angry. She'd always be like, no, I'm just sad.

And that used to piss me off. Yeah, because it's like, don't say you're fucking sad. Just say you're pissed. But what do sad and angry have to do? Like, they have nothing in common to me. Like, I feel like I'm quiet when I'm sad and I'm loud when I'm angry. Well, sometimes you're sad that you're angry. You're like, and you can't pinpoint why you're angry.

That can make you sad. You're like, what the fuck am I so mad about? I can always pinpoint why I'm angry. I can't pinpoint why I'm sad. Anger always, I can find a direct source. You know what I mean? Because if you get angry, something set you off and it's always pretty obvious. But no, no, no, no.

I will tell you this. When you angry about stuff, you think it's about one thing, but it's about something that happened like two weeks ago. Right. That happens too sometimes. It's the snowball effect that you're like layering on. But here's the thing is this is why I'm an expert at anger. It's because the second that I feel angry, I say it in like I don't have a way to be like, oh, no, let me just hold on to this for a second.

You know what I mean? Like, I'll just say, OK, well, this is pissing me off. You nip it in the bud. Yeah. And that way, the next time I see the person, you know, their outfit won't annoy me. That would make you angry. Somebody outfit. yeah you ever not like somebody and everything about them you hate the way they laugh the way they smile there's one guy in new york i'm not gonna say his name i hate the shape of his fucking

head because i because so much of what he's done has pissed me off so many times that i can't even now he'll walk in a room and i'm like this guy with his fucking mouth like i just can't even tell him why you're mad i can't i can't why i can't even say that because it would give it away uh but like i just i can't oh you know what i mean yep you mad about it right now it's not even yeah it's just like the way that he talks do you know what i mean he's one of these people that just he's one of these people that just always has something to fucking say is it on facebook um were we talking about this person earlier no but that person pisses me off just because self-pity is disgusting okay talk about those people like on facebook they'll be like oh i

don't have any friends i'm just like oh god oh yeah there's this guy there's a guy on facebook and he'll put like if i gotta hit read more yeah and then another page pops open yeah that's that you wrote too much you wrote too much and i was a read more person it's too much you don't even read but you make us read a lot on your status it i do read we just said we'll just like it she won't read the whole thing but she'll like it yeah cities aren't reading that many words she'll just be like i support you i blindly support you it's like is it so obvious it yeah oh yeah you're when you get mad i know you so when you get mad but like if i get mad i'm not jumping on social media to type about it like oh if i'm mad i'll type about it on social yeah i'll just

be like you know i won't be specific i try not to be specific but yeah there's sometimes i'll just be like i can't i can't yeah but sometimes i think people are such idiots you know what i mean people are such morons especially now in 2018 people just getting dumber and dumber just dumber and dumber i i honestly there's not a single person that i even if i agree with the overall cause that this person has the way that they go about it annoys me you know what i mean there are people that are so fucking devoted to like one specific cause that i just go like you i'm like you're setting yourself up for such failure especially now because people are so you know they'll be like i'm such a feminist and i'm like okay but if you ever fucked up in the

past if you are without sin yeah then fine but like if you ever fucked up in the past you are setting yourself up it's gonna come out for some fucked up shit to happen and everyone is gonna turn on you it's crazy how it's like especially in like a hollywood and entertainment right now the stuff that people did in like 1992 in like in like a basement is coming to light like people and they didn't have phones back then to document everything that's what i want to know how people remember how do you have the memory i know like i can't remember what happened last week i don't remember what i had on yesterday and i put it on my ashy ass body either yeah like it's just it's crazy to me especially for like kids the kids that are growing up now they're never going to

be able to lie about anything no right because everything that they do is all over social media it is and it's like they're digging into people can delete tweets and then get jobs and then they'll find them deleted tweets and be like well you're called mexicans you can delete tweets and people find them yeah they like live somewhere no sydney's about to go on a spiral no i'd rather i i don't really delete my tweets i know they're i can't even say retarded but yeah i know that they're dumb and i'm like i live in my i lean into the dumb yeah i'm like this is what it is yeah but i don't really say anything like that racist or sexist that racist that's the thing though is like comedians right like comedians are now being held to this like up this standard

because we're uh pandering to whatever side we think will agree with us instead of just focusing on being fucking funny yeah but that's the thing too you say the word comedian and it's like look it's a lot of people at the level that we're at currently and you know levels above us that do comedy and they do it because they saw bill burr do it or louis ck do it and he said the n-word so like i'm also gonna say and it's like you're not funny they call you're not that fun you're not you're not funny yeah you just want to jump up and say the n-word in front of people to be like because the stuff that they're saying is not new it's not original it's nothing creative or funny or that makes you think

that like a dude a few years ago came to a comedy show at a bar with a KKK hood and he was like it's fun

because he was roasting a black dude and in his roast he was like I'm going to throw this hood on and there was a few people there were

no there were actually people who supported him like oh this is comedy I was like if this is your comedy you need to fall down all the flights of stairs

yeah you know what the problem is is Louis CK did that joke about he did a joke about the n-word right

and he was the first white guy that ever, first of all, like, went there, right? Right. I'm sure he wasn't the first. No, I mean, the first white guy comic that ever was able to, like, make an N-word, like, an intelligent, like, use the N-word in a joke that was perceived to be really intelligent, right?

Right. It was an intelligent joke. And then everybody that saw that went, oh, if I do that, then I might be perceived as the intelligent you know edgy comic and it's like you have to be um norm mcdonald said something about this in an interview like last week where he was like the roseanne one yeah yeah but this was a different interview um he was like you have to be a master at something before you can be subversive oh and yes like you know what i'm saying like picasso learned how to draw a perfect

fucking circle before he was able to turn the circle into like 17 squares and make it you know what i'm saying yeah so it's like you have these comics that are like two years in yeah and they're trying to do these jokes with two years of skill under their belt and it's a disaster it is but colin if you don't get your raggedy ass face out my face like it's crazy the stuff that people say that they think right is exactly that like oh i've been doing it for two years that's that's time but it's like how do you master five minutes about yourself before you talk about the world right like if you can't make your own personal situations funny how can i trust that you can talk about racism or politics some people don't talk about themselves on stage you know what i

mean they'll just talk about they don't they don't want to that's not what they do which i understand yeah and i also think that people should be allowed to make the dumb fucking mistakes that you make when you're trying to learn to be funny yeah but a lot of these people that are jumping on stage and they're like and then the nigger okay said like the people a lot of those people they don't do comedy for that long no they don't that because because it like they they're just cast off it's like they're there's a weeding out system that happens but also they suck at it that's not like a mistake like you should know that people have been doing that for so long that why would you even go there because it's not worth it because everyone thinks that they're

the smartest and funniest person in the world right and then they teach themselves they go oh oh i i don't i'm not good enough to make this joke and this isn't even a joke you know what i'm saying there were like when i went on stage in the beginning my chair is like turning i can't um i'm like is this me am i doing this with my who's doing this with their mind it's the fan um oh that makes me feel thin uh i don't know i just feel like you know there's i forget where when you first started comedy i don't oh yeah i made some you know the jokes i would make i was like i was an idiot you know like that's true there's times when i walked away from stage and i'd be like oh my god like just feeling so ashamed of like what i said because i was trying to make

something work you know what i mean and i didn't know how to like formulate the thought i wasn't good enough for the joke you know right but those you could go back to those jokes and you can go back to those jokes you can fix it and you can fix it but you gotta be that's why we have open mics we gotta be allowed to just go okay you suck but whatever man if you needed to try that like yeah but that's my thing now like you can't even you can't even go to an open mic with somebody without somebody like instagramming it or like who's instagramming an open mic you'd be surprised oh god so many people so many people so many people they're like i'm gonna go live at the mic at the mic at the mic go live can we talk about people who go live at like concerts

and stuff yes oh my god i saw this girl she went live she was at a concert had the phone up no one was watching the live but it was up for so many songs and it was like no one wants to watch your grainy phone coverage nobody yeah like get out lee get out of my life it's like why are we why If you're around people and you're having a good time with the people, why are you going live? Because you've got to show people that you're having a better time than them. The only time that it's appropriate to go live is when you're walking alone down the street and you want someone to talk to. And nobody wants to watch that shit either. How come they haven't made that on Law & Order SVU?

That's an episode right there. She was going down the alley. And she's going live. And then all of a sudden somebody attacked her and her followers were like, well, we saw the man. Did you just see this scrolling up? What happened? Are you okay? Wait, are alleys still a thing?

I feel like I've never seen alleys in New York City. Alleys are a thing. They're definitely a thing. They're in like California. In Boston. They're definitely alleys. Where are the New York alleys? I feel like not that many in New York.

The buildings all touch. Yeah, they do. There's no room. Where is this alley? There's no room. People are like stealing people's shoes and like touching people's butts in. actually the alley that um sarah jessica parker carrie got robbed in is it's still an alley in soho yes that's the alley i was thinking about i just i've never i know what you're talking about

i'll show you where it's at i'm not going to an alley with your dude but we're together and i'll go live you guys should go live in an alley let's do it marie so did you spend time can we talk about you like as a kid were you an angry baby uh yeah i was i was an angry baby um i was uh there's pictures of me holding books that like trying to read and making a fist and like scowling i was constantly scowling i don't like i need to have bangs i needed botox by the time i was five i had i had fucking lines in my forehead by the time i was five years old because i just yeah i was just all the time um i don't remember i remember every like oh what is it childhood like video you know what i mean when your parents would

so uh there was recordings of me and it's always just like my sisters like playing in a pool and then me just sitting there just staring into space are you a baby no i'd be i'd be like eight ten it's basically my entire life were you the baby or you the middle kid i was the oldest oh damn dude you couldn't you didn't want your your sisters to have a good time in the pool but that sounds like an older like the the first yeah the first kid first girl maybe my brother was the oldest and he is and has always been the one that cared the least like he was never mad my sister was the baby and she was always mad she's still always mad yeah yeah she's still angry that's why she works out now see now she's angry and buff and that don't that don't go

That don't impress me much. That don't go. I'm not worried about it. Did you get into any fights as a kid? Yes, I used to. Okay, so I threw a rock at the window of my kindergarten classroom. What? Yeah, I broke the window of my kindergarten classroom because, oh, this is embarrassing.

So I was a fat kid. Oh, you were a fat baby? I need to see photos. Well, that's a reason to be angry. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Kids don't know they're fat when they're babies. No, we know.

When you're like five, six, you know that you're fat? If you're a woman and you're a fat five-year-old, you know. Really? Yes. I don't know. I've always been a sexy baby, so I don't really know. Well, it depends on what kind of family you have. Let me tell you something.

White family from the South, they're going to let you know if you're fat. I feel like they're all fat. I mean, they are, but they'll tell you if you are, because they don't expect you to be. They'll be like, you're supposed to be thin. You know what I mean? And it's like, well, what about you? You've got diabetes.

Yeah, it's like you lost your foot on Thursday. Oh, my God. You know? I think we hit the fat quota we can't say anymore on the podcast. Cindy, please hush. Fat. Fat. We're talking about her fat truth.

I was fat. You're like, we can't say fat no more. Cindy, I feel like, do you need a moment? No. Do you need to take a lap around the studio? We will not wait for you. We're going to keep talking. So you were a fat kid, and because of that, you threw a rock at the window.

No. So this kid, you know how you used to run after dudes to get them to kiss you on the playground? Rosebud, you was fat in kindergarten? Yeah. You were fast. So, yeah, I was masturbating by the time I was like eight. Wow.

Wait, really? That's another podcast episode. Did you know what you were doing? No, I didn't know what I was doing. I was just rubbing my shit against everything in the house, doing horrible things. Like a dog? Horrible things. Like dragging your vagina across the rug?

Yep. Yep. Listen, this- That's exactly how I get off to this day. This clip is going to haunt you, girl. We're going to clip this and post this. That's totally fine. On the loop.

On the loop. That's totally fine. Run that back. Run that back. Run that back. i have nothing to be ashamed we're gonna put music behind it and we're gonna chop it together and make it the theme to the unofficial expert pocket like please do please do rubbing it on everything fat um okay so what happened to this window so uh so this kid promised he would kiss

me if i could chase him you know what i mean and he's like uh i couldn't fucking catch up to him So he was like, if you throw this rock against the window, then I'll kiss you. But I had too much anger in me. And I threw the rock and I broke the whole fucking window. And I got sent to the principal's office and he still never kissed me to this day. What's his name? Matthew Silver. And if you happen to know Matthew Silver, you are dead to us.

Just so you know, Matthew, I'll never fucking forget it. You made a promise. We had an agreement and you reneged. Reneged? Joe, can you Google this guy? Can we get a picture? can we post it see if we can find

I've actually tried to find him on Facebook oh we haven't found him I'm like this motherfucker just like he probably real I've got like an Italian level of just

hatred for this guy so Cindy were you ever in a fight in elementary school or primary school a lot of people picked on me

so I didn't I didn't really get in fights I feel like I fought with my cousins a lot right I would get in arguments with my family

but then I would go to school and just All of the picking on I'm like I don't want to say too much Right I don't want to have a problem Yeah

Really as a kid I feel like children don't care Yeah I wouldn't fight with anybody My first day of school I got into a fight And by fight I mean I smashed

A toy car Into this kid's head Because He was playing with a toy That I thought was mine That's beautiful That's beautiful Like first day

I think that's great Is it? Yeah It is His name was Terrence Chang Hey Terrence Hey Terrence You guys remember everybody's first and last name?

Well, I remember that. I remember the people that wronged you. Okay. I mean, I wronged him, but, you know, Terrence graduated with, like, honors or whatever. How are you doing? You know what? I don't know. Should we check in?

Should we go in and see him? We should check in on Terrence Chang. Yeah, that's fine. I'm out. But I remember that because my mother likes to tell me that story, like, every once in a while. She'll be like, remember when you hit that ball? You've always had that attitude. And it's like, shut up.

Like, everybody in here is angry. Yeah, dude. I mean, I poured milk all over this guy's head once. because he said I was like big boned it or something I forget but you were big boned I was but you know what and you know what's fucked about that I poured milk on his head and then I had to write him the apology even though he called me fat I was like wait a second I still to this day don't believe I'm like he deserved what I did what was his name Yusuf Harden boom what this is crazy that you remember these names but I will say it's all about the reaction if

somebody wrongs you and you react to it then that depends on if you're going to get away with it or not if you would have just if I don't do anything of course I'm gonna get away with it that's dumb yeah but it's how you do it if you trying to get back at somebody and you want to get away with it you got to be smart about how you do it

see that was my problem for a long time is I didn't know I had no timing you know what I mean you would do it immediately I would do it immediately like the second it pissed me off it was just like I would it was and people were like Jesus Christ that escalated quickly Sydney I'm sure you've done something mean to somebody that you don't want to tell

us me yeah what's the meanest you never like cut the back of somebody's hair or like made fun of somebody behind their back like come on you know the mean thing I did what's the mean thing that you did no I don't remember I've told this story so many times I got

I got pregnant and I had two men at the same damn time two men and one of them gave me money for you know what and I took that money and bought an iPad

and then did what I had to do on my mother's insurance. No, no, no. An iPod Nano. A Nano, sorry. Thank you. Wow, you can't you can't let me live

for a minute. You said iPad. I'm like, dude, that's too current. Like that means it happened recently. It was a Nano and it was like,

wow, sis. And then you do I did what I had to do on my mother's insurance and then she found out she's like, what is this anesthesiologist? I was like,

you know what? No, Sydney. I mean, that story is hilarious and I'm glad that you shared it again. but I meant like what's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody I think that is the meanest

to tell somebody you are the father and you are not and then you just you just put 90 songs on a shuffle every time I played a song I was like

that sound like me not having a baby you know what that's not mean that's just wow I can't believe I said that again

so what song what song do you think about when you do you tie to that memory it was Usher yeah okay now whenever i hear that with my homies whenever i hear that song whenever you hear that song i want you to think of sydney not having a

baby sydney's not pregnant oh my god yeah but like i feel like me being angry i always like try to count to 10 does that work that doesn't work that doesn't work you know what the only thing that works is yelling that's the only thing that works when you need to get your anger i'm so angry that i'm gonna stop myself and then just start counting like i know that's a tactic you can't you can't be that angry if you're counting right if you think to count you're not angry i can't do that i'm and i'm just counting back i think it's like working in the hospitality for so long the industry like you can't always pop off especially if like you making a lot of and my bills is dependent on it,

it's a lot of times where you got to hold your tongue and you better count and you better take a shot of Patron and then you go curse that motherfucker out. See, this is why I wasn't- After they sign that check, after they give you that 25%, you know what?

Let me tell you how I feel. And then they have American Express and they cancel everything. So, yeah. Has that happened to you? Yes. I have definitely waited for everything to be signed off and right before they leave,

I let them know how I really feel and they'll call in and cancel the charge. And they won't even be like, oh, the food was bad. They'll be like, I didn't have a good time there. And American Express will say, sure, okay, and we'll take it off. That's why American Express is the

best credit card to have. Yeah, but a lot of places don't take Amex because they're also the most. They cost the most or something for businesses to have it. But good to know that when I get some money and and a credit card my ex he would go to nightclubs buy bottles leave without signing and then call

american express the next day yo i wasn't there that was not me cancel that please and american express would be like okay yeah but how many times can you do that before mx is like come on we were at the club and we saw you get several bottles with flares well he was so short you couldn't see him on the damn yeah yeah but he's not bringing the bottles it's the the women are bringing you're bringing the bottles right right that's crazy that's so funny but yeah being in hospitality and just serving people for so long you have to you have to hold your tongue yeah that's why i'm not the anger management i don't manage it are you angry in relationships no or have you been angry in relationships no it's weird in my relationships

in like personal relationships i don't i don't really get angry at the at the men that i'm with i don't i will call up a girlfriend and be like this motherfucker oh uh needs needs something like i like i'll just be like they're retarded i can't i can't be with this person but what happens when you when you can't do that what happens sorry if you're retarded and you heard that joke and fat what happens when you're like you blow up have you ever blown up on a dude and you just were like eff it like i just don't we don't need to be uh yeah there's been a couple of relationships that were dark you know what i mean there have been a few of those um like oh god i'm trying to think there was a dude that i was with that i um he but he was

really the abusive one so it was kind of like you know what i mean i'll tell you the truth he kind of drove he he kind of drove me to that point where i was like i'd be like okay well i i'm like moving you know what i mean then i'd be like packing up my shit leaving the house that i was fucking paying for what you know what i'm saying like i would be paying the rent he was just like staying there he was a fucking alcoholic you know and i'd be walking out the door and you'd be like you're a fucking slut and then i'd come back in and i'd just like throw start throwing shit at him you know and then you started unpacking your stuff you're like well if you're gonna call me a slut I'm staying now.

Yeah. No, not even. I was like, I just wanted to come back because he called me a slut to throw shit at him. And then I walked out. You know what I mean?

So there were times when I was- I've never thrown anything at a man. I feel like I see that in like movies and music videos all the time, but I've never thrown a plate or a glass of wine

in a man's face. No. Oh, I used to, I threw a glass of wine once. I threw a glass of wine. Oh, you loving him topic? This was, yeah, I was very drunk.

This was at my dad's wedding. Wow. At a wedding? At James' wedding? At my dad's wedding. That's so rude. Disrespectful. You know what's really disrespectful

is I thought that I'd thrown it at my sister and then I found out years later. I was like, I don't know why this sister's being such a bitch to me. You know what I mean? I didn't even, I did nothing to her. Yeah.

And my other sister was like, you threw a glass of wine at her head at dad's wedding. And I was like, oh, I thought that was you. So I didn't even know who I'd thrown it at. Damn. I was just going off.

But weddings, that's okay for that to happen. It's just that always, it's really not okay for that not my way it's not okay for that to happen how many times has your dad been married because it feels like twice oh that's nice yeah just my mom and then and this other woman the woman whose wedding you ruined oh god okay but you've been you've been with your man for how long uh five years five years what's the worst fight you have had worst fight we've ever had uh so i had to i had to leave town for a little while um i came back

the house was dirty and i was like listen i love you and i was like trying so hard to keep it together how long were you going for a week okay oh that's a long time to fuck some shit up man you put one thing down then it's like 50 000 things on the floor yeah you should have you should have had him give you a card for incidental i mean i for real i was like this is i came home and I was like, this looks like we're 19. You know what I mean? Like, this looks like the apartment of a 19-year-old. Like a frat house.

Yeah, and I was like, I just, like, texted, and I was like, I just need you to know that I really need the place to be clean. I just want it to look like we're in our 30s. That's all I ask, you know? And I think... Which is not crazy. Which is not crazy.

Which is something that it should look like if you're in your 30s. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, like, men, and they... Tell it. He called me that, and he was like, all this is like all you ever do is like tell me i'm not doing shit tell me i'm like you're always trying to fucking nag me and i was like and it's like my house is dirty i literally was like

my house looks like shit i'm not blind like i can't i'm not gonna go back on this and be like oh maybe i'm being unreasonable like this is a fucking basic thing that i'm asking for and i was like if you need somebody who is going to need less from you please go out and fucking find them Like, I was like, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You sound triggered right now. No, to this day, to this day, I'm like, I cannot fucking stand it when dudes are like, oh, yeah, you asked for so much.

And I'm like, I'm not asking for so much. This is basic level, entry level. Yes. Also, you live here, too. You don't want spider webs in your face when you wake up. At a certain point, you go, do you respect yourself? Like, what? Also, I'm going to say no.

Yeah. I'm going to say no. It's a man. But also, like, not all men are like that. You know what I mean? like some men like they they won't even ever see a mess they're just like stepping over like beer cans and they got like a hoarder house and they're like this is just the way my house looks like they don't even see it but they don't see it and i'm like that is crazy it makes me insane like when

i come home to a dirty house i'm like i i lose it it seems like you're a little ocd i am no i feel like everything that you're saying that's what i call people who are like clean clean you OCD yeah I'm like you have an if you have a problem when people say you have OCD it sounds like a compliment to me that's it's like yes absolutely I'm a clean person I like shit to be organized I don't I don't want I'm holding on by a fucking thread I just want my apartment to look nice yeah yeah you know what I mean low-key I feel like I'm OCD I like things to be clean yes I like my kitchen to be clean I like my bathroom to be clean and you're not eating in my bed like that's gross that that used to kill me yeah when i was staying with my ex

crumbs all the time but whose crumbs your crumbs see we couldn't figure out who it was it was community crumbs because you're talking and i'm like sydney they were probably your crumbs no i don't eat in the bed anymore but but when you were with your ex we're trying to figure out what the riddles is this onion dust yeah um but yeah i mean you've been in a relationship for so long and you have friendship for so long you definitely have to hold back your anger you definitely have to no you don't what are your tools when i'm in a relationship for a long time i can be as me as i want to be yeah you don't have to hold back your anger like you don't you also you can have your anger without like being your anger you know what

mean like you can you can tell somebody like come through dr phil yeah i mean you can tell somebody like look i'm i'm so mad right now that i can't find the words for how much i hate you and just like say that in a in a specific you know what i mean rose but that's real lifetime movie of you look i can't explain i can't it's beyond the reach of words how much you annoy me right now like that's you know what i mean if you're talking to somebody who's not as angry as you that'll go fine if you're talking to somebody who's also angry that's not gonna go well Yeah, somebody who's a hothead. Because all you're going to do is bump heads.

Yeah, so then you have to be the person that sees things for what they actually are. You need a rational person in an argument. Yeah, and here's the thing. I don't find myself getting angry unless it's about something rational. And that's the benefit of, I think, my anger. Well, la-di-da for you, real bad. Everything you mad about is rational. You're right, I'm wrong.

Well, like, here's the thing is, like, if it's not, but, like, my sister texted me the other day that she was going out to dinner with my friend, right? And I was like, that's my fucking friend. You know what I mean? Like, I immediately got so mad. And then I was like, hold on. Like, you don't own, like, you don't have ownership over people. No, you don't. What's the age difference between your sister and your friend?

Five years. Yeah, no, they shouldn't be hanging out. That's your friend. At all. That's your friend. Why? Wait, why are they hanging out? I want to know.

What was y'all doing? Y'all celebrating without me? Was y'all doing something Without me I'm like I'm on a plane On the way back from LA I can't be there to hang out

They didn't ask me to hang out Why would they Because they know I'm in LA That's rude They should have FaceTimed you Into the hang No but they Why would they

They should have asked your permission Yeah Honestly Why are we like that About our Certain friends Like certain people You don't care about

But like if somebody Hangs out with your other Or two of your friends hang out That you introduce to each other And you see them chilling You're like What's happening here Yeah yeah yeah

Like it's not real friendship I'm not there But see I don't think them ever make sense because you don't have ownership over a person. You got to just let people be and let people do what they want to do. That's it.

That's like, you can't get mad about that. If you are mad about it, it's fine, but it's about something else. It's not about them hanging out. You know what I mean? It's about you feeling insecure. I don't like that word at all. Damn.

That's true. How long have you been studying therapy at DeVry? I've just been in therapy for so long, I might as well have a fucking degree. What made you go to therapy? like start going um i don't i was just unhappy i was just really unhappy you know what i mean when you're when your whole life is just like you're like i'm disappointed in myself oh that's disappointed is a word that white people like to use and that means like real like it's really

upsetting for y'all yeah but sydney like i'm disappointed in you you disappointed in me does it hurt your feelings i mean not really i'm not disappointed i'm not disappointed in you but i'm saying if i said that to you would you like would you like you know how like on tv white moms will be like i'm not mad i'm just disappointed yeah disappointed means a lot when it's coming from somebody you look up to that hurts hard that hurts harder yeah than saying like fuck you i don't like you saying disappointed disappointed is like it's a real emotion that means you i let you down and you're feeling it yeah you care that i let you down yeah you care you disappointed affects true the same way it affects bros but i'm assuming the word it does you can see it i haven't heard

disappointed in a long time because people don't be telling me that they'll be like i'm just disappointed i ain't gonna tell her though she don't need to know that she really let me down girl you dropped the ball on that i really needed that 30 that's disappointing that you have friends that badly need 30 so disappointed and how much money I really needed that $30 Yeah Have you ever been

Angry at work That you like Blew up And got fired for it Or you got Deferred for it Yes Yes

I remember I was a waitress This is why I can't be In the service industry I was a waitress And I I walked I remember walking

To work one day I tried to throw These people out Oh For talking to me In a disrespectful way But what did they say I don't remember

You can't remember But you were like I don't remember I do remember that it was disrespectful I don't even think I don't think it was even that disrespectful

I think I was just like my feelings were hurt by how dismissive they were like I remember walking up I didn't know how being a waitress worked like I didn't know you go there to be disrespected

you know yes basically that is what a service job is you know yeah that was

I did not know that I just thought you know you were gonna be a fun waitress I was always watching the fucking Coyote Ugly

yeah you know what I mean I was like we're all gonna be pals I'm gonna be the neighborhood waitress everybody's gonna love me I walked in there and I was like, hey guys, how you doing?

And they, they, did I just have like sort of an accent when I said that? Where were you working? Maybe. I was at, oh, Don Giovanni's Pizza place in New York. Yes. How did you get a job like that? It's always dudes that are not from the United States working there. Yeah.

It's never Americans working there. A lot of immigrants? A lot of green cards at Don Giovanni's? Listen, there was a long period of time where I did not have any ID, where I just did not have ID. You were an illegal? Sis, what's happening? No, I was just-

Undocumented? I was just an alcoholic, and I couldn't get myself to go to the DMV and get my shit together. Rose, but let me find out you're not Anglo-Saxon and you're Venezuelan. You from South America? There's a lot of skin bleaching. She's Costa Rican, sis. I see it, Marie. I see it

yeah you see it she rolled her R's earlier so you were working at a pizza place I was and uh and didn't like the way

people talked to you at the pizza place at the pizza place yeah I feel like you you're not allowed to be no I wasn't listen

there was a long period of time in my life where I could qualify as like certifiably insane because I drank so much and because my ego was all over the place

my mood swings were all over the place I didn't know what end was you know what I mean and then I quit drinking and all this shit stopped happening in my life

and I was like, oh, that was me all along. And you were like, oh, snap. I was like, oh, that was my fault? Yeah, well. Which is crazy, Rosemary,

because when I was drinking, I was not angry. I wasn't, I didn't really care and now that I'm sober, I care about everything. Yeah. Everything is fucking

annoying or stressful or, oh my God, my feelings are hurt. So it's just, it's all that built up. I was taken so much as a drunk that now that I'm sober,

I'm like, oh, I gotta release. I gotta hit somebody. I gotta kick something. right i mean here's the thing like i i don't know i'm like dude did i care or did i not care you know it's like you're you're so drunk you don't really feel it yeah whatever you're going through but you do uh you do act like you feel it like i remember sydney i remember a lot of tears like talking to you remember like i remember a lot of tears so you were feeling shit but it was like

it was just like not it was like after the fact you know what i mean it was you come out of it and you're like oh god jesus christ yeah you know and i've been there and i was like you know now that i'm sober i'm like i still care about everything but it's just like learning the shit but learning the difference between something that you should give a shit about and something that you should really just put away i feel like that's also something that happens as you get older though too for sure as you age you're like you know what i don't really care about this i don't need this in my life like i don't have time to deal with this yes have you ever had like a friend you know like as you're growing older you have a friend who disappoints you and you go

you know I don't need that friend that much I do that all the time now where I just go like I don't feel like making the effort to try to fix this I got my friends I don't need new people I was looking at cutting back

I'm overstaffed the Christmas card list was getting too long there's too many people to keep up with yeah and then you look at the months and you're like well there's three birthdays in October? Yes.

Oh, one of them got to go. Yes. The friend at the end of the month, you got to go, sis. Come on, sis. It's Halloween.

Yeah. I don't have time. Yeah. If there's like three birthdays in February and mine's his first, it's like, well, I still got to be

their friend until after my birthday. Well, good thing your birthday's on the second. Yeah. Why don't you just hold on to them? Yeah, yeah.

I was like, well, the birthday party got to be late, so. I know she's going to bring that good old apple pie, so. This is why I don't have birthdays because I don't want to

overwhelm my friends. When is your birthday, And also because I don't want to face the rejection in case people don't show up. Yeah, that's rough. My party's tomorrow and it's like,

who's going to come? It's so scary. It's like, is anybody going to come? It's so scary. Meanwhile, last year, back at the ranch, packed to the brim,

random people that I was like, I ain't never seen you ever. Who are you? And she's like, that's Marie's friend from like 20 years ago. I'm sure. Oh, okay.

I'm sure. Yeah, people from high school and college came. It was crazy. I was like, oh it's so it's me I don't know okay

so I'm the new one yeah they're looking at you like we don't know you yeah they were but they were actually really nice they were like

hey I see pictures of you all the time I'm like oh I should probably be nicer you're right rude see that

rude rude people show up that are supposed to anyway yeah yeah and the people who aren't supposed to

you'd be like well how did you get here who gave you the door code oh how do you treat those people do you get angry those people would piss me off right

like the people that show up oh my god but what if they show up they bring something like what if they show up and they bring a bottle uh or like a piece of cake if they bring something then great you know what i mean i like okay reggie came to fucking emmy party the other night which reggie reggie conquest okay what emmy party yeah reggie was invited to a party it wasn't really an emmy party it was like an emmy you see how bitches slide back

after they're like oh i didn't invite you it wasn't really it was a hangout it wasn't at my place it was last minute it wasn't at my place and but it was reggie's idea to have this like get-together at McCalla's, right? Oh, okay. So he set this whole thing up, shows up three hours late, asks if he can bring plates and cups, and everybody already fucking ate.

You know what I mean? That kind of shit. If that was my place, I'd be furious. He suggested her house and then didn't bring anything. And then didn't bring anything. And then got there three hours late. Yes, so she hid the pot roast before he got there so that he couldn't have any.

Ooh, I like that. It was beautiful. That's hilarious. That feels like something Reggie would do, though. Yeah, of course. Also, how long are the Emmys that he was three hours late? The Emmys is three hours late. Right.

So what? I don't know. Was the pot roast cute, though? Was it good? Did you guys watch the Emmys, by the way? That made me angry. I haven't watched the Emmys, and I don't watch award shows. No, I couldn't.

I was crazy. Why? What made you angry about it? Just the hosts? The jokes? No, just everything about it. I was just like, I thought actually that Che and Colin did a good job. Um, I just feel like it was so the kind of laughter that if, I don't know if you guys

have ever done like a corporate gig where people can't laugh in front of their coworkers. Oh yeah. That's what the Emmys felt like. Absolutely. You know what I mean? They all, it all just felt like them being like. But those jokes weren't for them. I know.

They were really playing to the people at home, which is perfect. Right. They're smart. Yeah. They did what Michelle Wolf did. But then everybody on Twitter is like just following whatever the Emmy audience did. You know what I mean? They were just like, oh, I can't do this.

I can't listen to this. I'm so uncomfortable because like nobody can think for themselves. Every joke is not for everybody. Right. And them corporate gigs be real rough. One of the roughest shows that I've ever done. And I just remembered because I suppressed it. I did.

Because I tried to forget. I completely forgot until you said that. And I was like, oh, yeah, one of my worst shows was, you know, how Walgreens has like the Red Nose Day. Yes. To like raise money for children or something. Oh, yeah. You told me about that. I was like.

marie i'm you when you said that i was like i think you probably think that you didn't but you said people were coming up to you and yeah yeah later but in the moment when i'm on stage and no one's first of all they showed a sad ass video of julia roberts with like children that had not eaten and were dying they were trying to set you up for failure and then they're like next marie faustin doing comedy and it was like what you gotta say that from sad aaron brockovich to this uh-huh no and i went i went on stage and you know it was a bunch of like old white dudes in there with like pinstripe suits or whatever and i was like look at all this money in here and they nobody left and then everything i said after that they were just like waiting for me to finish and

i don't know how much time i was supposed to do it but i wrapped myself up i was like well i said the rose is uh the open bar got rose so i'm gonna just go over there and they were like no and uh you know i got paid for it you got paid that's all that matters before i went on stage Which is perfect Yeah A little envelope With the cash in it Yeah I love that

It was such a rough Corporate little gig For the kids But I did it You know for the kids Oh for sure Yeah you did it for the kids It was for Red Nose

For the kids Julia Roberts wasn't there Yeah but you got You got paid She probably got paid too But the people Who come to those things They're not trying

To laugh anyway Like you're Yeah they're there For like work I don't know why They fucking get comics For this shit This kind of shit

We can't save y'all We're not We can't save anybody You can't Not only that, most of us don't give a fuck about anything but ourselves. Right. Just get a chick with a harp to play for 30 minutes and then like donate. Get the kind of artist that gives a shit about other people.

You know what I mean? This is not the art form. Get a one-legged spoken word person. Yes. To be like, the kids are hungry. Yes. The night is dark. Yes.

I mean, they need money. The guy's got one leg. They wanted to be like, my friend did. The places that they do comedy is so weird. My friend was at a sex party and they were like, they hired a comedian. They were like, you know, to get people in the mood. And I was like, what?

Don't nobody want to. It's dicks out. And people got on collars in here. Wait, I'm sorry, what? She did comedy at a sex party. They were like, they wanted somebody to warm up. That's how you know the sex party is trash. I was there, sis.

I went to the party just to see. They were like, okay, so the cold cuts are not going to cut it. So we got to get some comedy. comedy it was it was a lot that's a great show actually oh my god people were like it was like like like like comic con for like people who want to have sex in a like a warehouse place that's what most swinger parties are is just like hideously ugly people oh you go to a lot of swingers parties no i went to one oh so you so the right side of you is ugly i went to one so i went to one and listen this was on me this was my fault because i went to a swingers party with

seton at like i think it was in january it was one of the coldest days of the year if people are trudging out in the snow to fuck at when it's six degrees out yeah those people are crazy are very lonely okay i mean that's a very lonely type of person i want to know the person who got there first like yo how bad is it no no what about the committee that was like we still we can't cancel list yeah we'll lose our deposit it was the worst thing i i walked in there my i knew it was over before it even started because i walked in there and i took off my coat what you wore i don't remember what i wore i took off my coat i might as well like i think i came from a spot you had a romper he was like do you want to go to like check this out i was like sure so i came

from like a spot to meet him i take off my coat it drops on the ground and i went oh and i i had just been in a comedy club so did they have carpet you know yes they had a sex carpet yeah that's nasty you had jizz on your coat and everything i was like i was like just keep it just keep my coat oh yeah i didn't take any of my things off but there was food at the sex party that i was at and no one else was eating except me that's the other thing i don't know why they have food why do they have food at a sex party there's always one person that's like you know I can't really fuck I just

I'm just here for the raps I'm here I'm here for the Grilled cheese I know I'm like This is disgusting To have a cheese plate

So you didn't eat anything At the swinger party No dude So you was on an empty stomach Looking at terrible dick Woo That ain't my scene That's not my lane

Literally Me It took us six months To recover from that night So how long did you guys Stay at the swingers party I mean Probably we walked

We walked around it and like looked around it and we were just like joking with each other for a while. Let's do a lap. We'll be back by the drinks in half an hour.

You guys have to, I mean honestly you have to go because it is the most hideous, like it was like the place where they,

it was ground zero for pink eye. You know what I mean? Like it was, oh yeah. You walked in and immediately took your coat off?

I would have just left my coat on. I would have never got comfortable. You have to, you have to take off your stuff because people

will rob you, I think. That's what I was thinking. I was like, this is the kind of place where people will rob you. Where was the sex party? I don't, I can't. Somewhere in Brooklyn.

What borough? This sounds like you were in the Bronx, dude. Like, where were you? No, but it's like, it was. I can't go to a sex party, especially with Marie. I can't give that shit away. Because Marie would be like, don't look. And then I look.

And Cindy's like, huh? And I turn my whole body. She turns her into, you know when you're like, look over there, don't look, don't look, don't look. And then she turns. Yeah, I'm the one. It'd be like, where? And she'll point.

Oh, that? He'd be like, yo, he's missing one nut. Where? His balls. That's Sydney. She's rude. That's so funny. There was literally a couple that I remember because there were several floors and each floor was supposed to get kinkier, but the ceilings would get lower.

So people just look bigger and bigger as you went up the floors. So it was Alice in Wonderland. It was like Alice in Wonderland where you just like walked into somebody's asshole at the end. No. It was like the most disastrous shit I've ever seen. I could count the rings around a woman's asshole by the end of this. No, our assholes have rings? This woman's dead.

I mean, she must have been very old. She must have been very old. Old Mother Hubbard. Old Mother Hubbard with the rings around the asshole. Did we learn anything today? I think it's good to express your anger. Yes. Freely.

yeah throw that rock in that window with that person's face listen that was in the beginning of my anger career okay you don't throw rocks you don't throw shit at people now um but you should yell you can yell yep and you can say i'm very fucking angry right now and you don't have to you know you don't have to say anything about the person's character you could just say how fucking angry you are rosebud that was literally the whitest thing you said i am very fucking angry that was my voice when I was a nanny that show was

when you'd be asking to speak to management and you'd be like look I'm very angry right now I need to speak to the fucking manager I'm very disappointed I am so disappointed

I have never experienced anything like this the clam chowder really disappointed me can I speak to the manager white people don't order clam chowder what the hell is clam chowder

is that like clam soup yeah that's nasty I don't know anybody that orders clam chowder Sydney does you heard she just said it's good

it's good there's the one from New York and then there's one from New England the New England is the white one right they're both pretty white

to me sis New England's probably whiter producer Joe it's white right okay cool that's nasty that's gross

we learned that you like clam chowder I do I'm not gonna lie and you get the little the cookie no not the cookie the crackers

the little clam cracker it's so good that's so gross so young it literally makes me make an ugly face oh whatever right

the thought of it I mean my face doesn't do ugly things but you know basically it's trying it's like yuck it's trying I can see Marie's

trying to look ugly thank you so much Rosebud where can people listening catch you what you got going on oh god you can catch me on Twitter and Instagram

at Rosebud Baker I will be when is this coming out tomorrow tomorrow you know we don't be preparing for these things alright well then

I will be at the Village Underground next week all my show dates stuff like that is on my website at rosebudbaker.com and your real name

is Rosebud yeah No that's a lie She said basically He's Venezuelan So It's Rosita It's actually Yolanda

Rosalita Baker Yolanda Baker My name is Yolanda Baker Yolanda Vega Yo that's a good talk show Yolanda Baker What? Yolanda Baker

That sounds like a talk show Sydney I'm taking my headphones off I'm walking out Happy birthday to me Bye Happy birthday Bye Forever

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