MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Bike Expert" with Ian Fidance

Episode Date: September 1, 2017

Sydnee & Marie speak with comedian Ian Fidance who speaks about his knowledge of biking. Yes biking!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hi guys hey welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with sydney and marie oh yes so happy sounds so good beautiful sydney you're like an angel like old mariah carey like new ariana grande those are not real sounds okay i'm usually very quiet i'm sorry i'm usually very quiet wow you sleep loud that's a lie i've seen you sleep you how you loud how have i seen you sleep or how do i know that you're loud you loud the listeners want to know how you know that i'm loud uh because I'm falling asleep on your couch, and you sleep on my couch. Oh, okay.

That's a damn lie. Hey, Marie, how you doing? I'm doing really, really well, actually. How are you doing? You know what? I feel really good. I went to the gym at 7 a.m. That's a lie.

I did. 7 American a.m.? 7 a.m., because I knew that I had to get here on time. But you didn't. But you didn't. I was so close to being on time, though. yeah you were like 24 minutes late so that's right on time 24 minutes late when we have a white guest oh man you should have been here yesterday we wanted the viewers to listen to

the voice and then figure out if they'd know he was white right away they were like there's nothing about his voice that's like it's i don't know it's a white man he's cool y'all get to meet him in a little bit uh marie were you an expert in this week uh this week i was an expert at uh sneaking i'm sorry allegedly sneaking drugs into this country allegedly okay uh what that means is uh i was at a comedy festival and uh this guy who's got like a couple netflix specials out he famous but i don't know him so he not that famous he uh took a bunch of us comedians out to get lunch because he was like you guys were poor uh let me feed you um so we ate and you know it was one of those situations where he was like should i get a bottle of wine for the table and i

was like get two bottles and nobody else was drinking wine so it was a good night for me um and uh after we're done eating he was like hey guys i bought you this bag of weed for the week right like he pulls out like a like a little like a little hefty bag of weed and uh he was like i bought you this weed for the 12 of y'all to smoke for the week and i was like put it in my purse because i was the only one that had a bag um actually that's not true i was the fastest person with a bag i was like like just throw it in my bag so we put it in my bag and then they didn't ask for the weed for the entire week i'm like they asked i just never bought it it's like i never bought it out the room but when i was getting ready to fly back to new york i was like

yo i didn't smoke none of this weed i gotta get it into the country right how am i gonna get it into the united states because i was in canada right i'm like how i'm gonna get it in and uh people were like you should put it in your hair which is like dumb because they always check my hair at the airport like always even if i have it like in a low ponytail situation they're like we gotta check that bun they'll be like yo you gotta take that off they'll be like sis we need to check your scalp sis take that off so we can check your other scalp no that's what they say to you that's what they say to you and your hats they'd be like

queen step to the left we need to check we need to check your scalp for coconut oil and drugs they're like

you can take it off here or you can take it off in the back which way do you want to do it literally no one talks to me like that Sydney you see

we four minutes in and already already I want you to go it's time to leave you know what guys that was The Unofficial Expert thank you so much

for listening to the podcast He's finished. Wait, hold on. So I didn't hide it in my hair because I'm smart. I had a bag of trail mix. You put it in that ass. No, I didn't put it in my ass. Because I was like, how do I get it up there?

And then how do I get it out? Right? I thought about it. It was a lot of weed. When was the last time you had something up in there? What year was it? 2017? It was like 2012.

Anyway. listen i gotta check my records right have your intern uh check i gotta check my files what was my last uh wait a minute test wait okay so obama was elected in 2009 2008 obama was elected i'm glad i asked real questions on this podcast listen i got some real questions for you so i i put it in the back of trail mix and then i put the trail mix in my backpack because i was like i'm not paying to check a bag

what if this weed is trash right like i didn't want to spend i don't even know how much it is to check a bag 30 i didn't feel like spending that so i uh i had the backpack on my back with the weed in it and i was like wow this is some locked up abroad type stuff like who's the girl who's the white girl who uh killed her roommate in italy don't know amanda knox i was uh i was what my amanda knocks to okay uh but anyway i get i get through i put everything in the bin it goes through all the machines and everything and then i'm standing there waiting to like put my shoes on and this big bald black tsa dude or whatever the equivalent is in canada comes up to me and he's like and i was like oh no oh no i was like they got me and i was like no i don't speak french

i was punted in english and he was like he just wanted to compliment me on my hair and then he he let me and my drugs go i was like wow i love canada me and my drugs are free to go so i was an i was an expert at sneaking my drugs into the country allegedly blessed allegedly i'm putting that allegedly sydney what were you an expert in this week besides being super disrespectful uh i'm was a good samaritan what i mean spell samaritan shut up i was i was going out of my way to help people on the williamsburg bridge uh try to kill themselves yeah actually you're going out of your way to help people try to kill them no i was going out of the way to stop somebody from killing himself you stopped somebody from killing

themselves i thought that that's what he was gonna do well tell me the story okay so i'm on my bike you know um i'm poor now so i got a bicycle everywhere so i go back and forth on the bridge coming in and going back into brooklyn so it was like two o'clock in the morning it was 2 a.m so where are you going on a bike on a bicicletta at two o'clock in the morning well i'll have a show late and then i'll be in the city and i have to get back into brooklyn so boom so i'm not scared i ain't never scared so i don't care about my life so i'm taking a bike at 2 a.m oh and you know people don't care that you're riding a bike late at night like they will run you over but anyway i'm on the williamsburg bridge and i'm towards the middle of the bridge and i see this guy

like he had a couple of things on the ground like maybe a maybe a sweater maybe um like a water bottle or whatever and i'm like getting nervous because usually when people put their shit down like they about to do something dumb like if i see somebody or if i see somebody phone on the ground they about to jump because i watched i watched that documentary the bridge that's a crazy documentary it's on netflix or hulu or something yes no it's on um it's on amazon prom i don't have that but i did watch yeah but when they start putting their stuff down and like walking back and forth on the bridge they're gonna jump so i that's what you got from the documentary when people set their stuff down they're getting ready to jump yes i'm gonna kill myself but uh please somebody

take my cell phone right so i'm thinking i'm like yo what can i say to this dude um to stop him from doing that you know what i mean because i don't want to say i don't want him so what did you say hey don't kill yourself bruh no i was like hey buddy buddy is a good word to use when you think somebody might kill themselves you all right buddy buddy and it just so happened his name was buddy no so i'm like hey buddy what's going on what's up he's like i'm just having a hard time i'm having a hard and i was like me too man he's like i just lost my job i said me too man he's like my girlfriend wants to leave me i was like me too man i was like shit let me just go jump with you we go we go let's hold hands

who said my phone next to your phone so yeah but he was um he was a white dude talking about uh life was hard so i just pushed him you did not kill somebody no i did not but i was like come on dude we all having a hard time like you see i had to wait a minute because i was like look at this You didn't even say allegedly. The feds are listening to the podcast. Dude, we're all having a hard time. Like, come on, man. Let's go.

Get on my bike. Where you live? Wait, did you leave the white man on the bridge or did you take... You put a white man on your back? Yeah. Listen, I have to do what I can. To get murdered? You don't watch no TV, huh?

Listen, if people are going through things, you need to be there for them. Not if I don't know you. You have to extend your hand. No, I don't. So you could pull me down too? No, you got to love thy neighbor. i don't even know my neighbor's names oh my god i'd be like hey yeah okay anywho so that's what i did i saved somebody from doing did you say that yes i did check the papers to see if somebody died

if they fell off the bridge he did not i'm telling you i saved him i put him on my bike i definitely didn't put him on my bike no i know you didn't put him on your bike i made him walk i'm like hey man you maybe helped him pick up his sweater or his things or whatever so how do you jump is it there like a fence all around the bridge no he was gonna do the where the train is like the train is coming oh you're gonna jump into the train tracks on the bridge on the bridge wow fuck up and you know the jay is already fucked up it's like come on dude just like speaking of things that are effed up our guest today uh is a comedian thank you so much you're so smooth super professional he's a comic he performs all over the country he actually just

got back from a bunch of shows on the west coast uh he is our sydney what is he today he's our bike expert yes he is he might give you a run for your money sis uh we'll we'll compare notes uh you know um i don't know how to say your last name give it a shot uh in finance that's the one oh you said finance yeah our guest today is silent i guess i'm about to kill myself and She came up to talk to me. I jumped. And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, our bike expert, Ian Fidance. What's up?

Hello. Hi. Have you ever, so you ride your bike all over the place. Yeah. Have you ever seen somebody you thought was going to kill themselves? Or it looked like they might jump off a bridge? No. No.

I may call bluff on your story. No, it's true. Uh-huh. It's definitely true. What was his name? Who cares? do i need to get his name like is that important like he saved his soul do you really care about your name when you're about to jump his name is indebted to sydney elizabeth washington

human being that was his name i don't think i've ever seen uh anyone try to kill them i've broken up fights on my bike how i'm fighting somebody and somebody on a bike pops up and i'm gonna stop in the bike lane people getting fights all the time yeah but this was like in the street this guy these guys are squaring up and someone was like help me help me so i rode up and this motherfucker you pulled up the other guy and so on my bike i got in between them and i started circling around the guy and i had my bike chain and so i started swinging that around oh man it sounded like the music video so the fucking guy starts to chase me right and i just rode my bike to the police

and it was like this guy not like hit this other guy and they just got him really yeah was white dudes

or black dudes what color were the people that was getting ready to fight the white guy was the one that was like

help me yeah yeah he was asking for help and the other guy was like I don't know like some sort of Hispanic

and what was his name Julio oh my god Julio Iglesias that's so great Julio Gazzalones was his name enrique okay and so let's talk about where you let's do a uh podcast cam real quick we gotta

give people the head to toe what you look like uh you got on air max that's right i'm here for those your legs are super tattooed very tattooed on the shins dude on the shins you look very williamsburg yeah you do your hair is disheveled but like i know that you have a home it's great got a haircut really this is after a haircut shut up this is after a cut shut up at least i got hair sydney oh i have tons of hair uh sydney got hair hair pulling hair i got hair in closets you got hair in boxes okay we got hair in crates covering that forehead oh it's oh you need some of this hair to cover that hairline my man okay you have no hairline we gotta just shave it all off oh we could go toe-to-toe with the forehead your forehead is bigger than her forehead exactly

Man on the moon forehead You better shut up You said you just got a haircut You paying money for that I paid money for it and the motherfucker Fucked it up Oh no no no don't shut up It was fucked up when you walked in

And he was like I'll do my best He was like we can't bring that back He's like you want to comb it forward Let's bring some up Yeah you need a lace front bang That's what you need oh ian you're trying to come in hot okay all right i like that even listen we're 14 minutes in okay so you got you got the tattooed legs you got the the little gray shorts how high do these

tattoos on your thigh go right here and then this goes up here that's a butterfly and i yeah and i got my chest and i got my ribs does that tattoo say gluten-free what the fuck is that it says cupcake shop it says free range and then you got a like a Hawaiian polo is that what like Aztec-y kind of I don't even know I got it

there's a cross on there there's a couple crosses I don't know you got some turquoise rings that's right I like it so where are you from because you look very new Brooklyn but I know that you not from here no i've been in brooklyn for a while i i'm from wilmington delaware delaware shout out to the people listening in delaware yeah what's up delaware yeah i've never

been there yeah i'm the only one you're the only one that got out yeah yeah yeah what brought you to new york uh i went to school in new york at 18 i moved here where'd you go nyu nyu let's pull back brought him in better we should have like introduced oh look at that Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you graduate from NYU? You got your bachelor's from NYU? Yeah, yeah.

I got a bachelor of science in English education. Education? You teaching people's kids? That's what I used to do, yeah. What grade? I taught high school. So I got my degree in secondary ed, 7 to 12. And I mostly taught high school.

I taught a little bit of middle school, and I hated it. Yeah, middle school is rough. Why would you go back there? I was teaching in the South Bronx, and they fucking tore me apart. Why do they start teachers off there? They didn't start me there. They didn't? No, no, no.

Okay, where did they start you? I started... You were like, I go to the South Bronx, and everybody was like, lean on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right? I was like fucking male Michelle Pfeiffer. Yeah, exactly. I just wanted to wear a leather jacket and everything would get fixed. I was trying to teach Coolio how to read.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. I taught Lower East Side I taught South Bronx, Brownsville Brownsville, dude They really don't care about yourself I taught at Boys and Girls High, Pride of Bed-Stuy, baby I fucking loved it

That was my favorite school I taught at Do you feel like you wasted your money on college to teach people? Yes What the fuck you think? You kidding me? What the hell made you decide you wanted to be a teacher? An English teacher at that Man, I really like this one teacher

i had in high school and at 18 they were like you got to pick out your future for your life and i was like well i guess i'll be a fucking teacher why do i do that nobody knows what they want to do when they're 17 18 i was like a fuck up kid when i was younger so i loved being around like other fuck ups and like helping shitty kids yeah you know what i mean like uh i really am drawn to them and and you're like you're the best of the shitty kids so you want to be the leader and like help them okay yeah so i i really enjoyed my time teaching except in the south bronx that that south bronx um i really really enjoyed it and uh so what happened you touched a kid and got fired or you quit because you were like i'm over this you're making that original joke i've never heard

thank you so much no one he just tried to call you hacky listen no one on our podcast no one on the no one on the podcast so but he didn't answer the question though so how close are you allowed to go to school at all how far you gotta stay away from these parts why do you think i ride the bike i'm fucking running away oh my god um no i i i couldn't dedicate the the time effort needed to take care of my students as i'm pursuing something at night you just got to a point where so you said comedy is more than helping the future comedy is more important than your future yeah is what he said have you ever helped ian don't love the kids have i helped children fuck no what do i look like i should be around anybody's kids wait and then it would be coming and then we have to spell shit

and i'm like okay kids get your phones out google a teacher beats whole classroom of kids i'll be some kids i don't know i wouldn't beat them but i just would be like yo let's just hang out let's just do snapchat i'll check a child that's the thing half of my lessons just turned into like how to live properly and not be like shitty because the kids were like i mean it's it was wild like the one day this this woman was like screaming on the street this like homeless mentally disturbed woman all the kids got up and ran to the window and like pointing and laughing at her oh no oh yeah so i made them all sit down i was like how many have a mom how many have a sister how many have a grandma how many have an aunt and they're like shut up mr finance

they're like me they're like world star my forehead turned into the whiteboard yes they get all the overhead projections on that thing oh my god right on my forehead please so i just made them realize that like how would you feel if somebody was pointing and laughing at your mom because she was so upset she was see i and they always laugh but i never point yeah so that that makes me better than all the children yes thank you heal the world make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human okay so you stopped you stopped teaching you got it you were like i'm gonna be a comedian i i was doing comedy the entire time i

stopped teaching for a while and i i went back to delaware and i had a bunch of different jobs and then uh i came back and i started teaching again but i was teaching with caplan so i was doing have you ever quit a job left and then came back to the job no i got fired from a job and then they rehired me yeah yeah i got fired to apply again no they just brought me right back in they already have my black chick we got sydney papers here yes you free they did they're one interview question have you changed actually i did at the time the reason why i got fired is because i was an alcoholic and then when they rehired me because i was sober and then i started

drinking again i said this is y'all fuck this is not really me yes y'all brought me back in this bitch knowing my problems oh damn dude yeah the best when you get fired for drinking and it only makes you drink more no well actually no no no because i got fired that's why i stopped drinking i'll show you a drinking problem no i actually stopped drinking because i got fired i got fired from a place called riffraff lessons listen if you get fired from a place called riffraffs you're like what am i doing this place is called trash and i work here i got fired from a place called rock bottom i got fired from a rock and a hard place i'm about to take that thank you rock and a hard place so ian where does this when does this bike thing happen you come back to new york

i'm assuming delaware like is like a car culture city oh right you're riding a bike in delaware You get a DUI Really That's like They're like Yeah I got a DUI I got my license taken away I had to ride a bike

From Oh Okay But I grew up Riding bikes I loved riding bikes It was like something Me and my dad did

Oh you got a dad He got a dad No no he died when I was eight Oh You killed him Do you got a dad I do not No

Hell yeah Dad or left I got a dad Yeah His name is Sam Sam All bougie with the dad Thank you so much

Hey Bobby He don't listen to the podcast Right Um, so you and your dad used to ride bikes and then you got a DUI, so you had to get back on the bike. Uh, yeah. I mean, well, when I lived in New York before I had a bike and I'd ride it to work and everything. So you were the sweaty teacher rolling up.

Did you wear suits to work? Like, were you a teacher that were like. I wore like button ups and I had like a Jimi Hendrix tie. You, but I see people go to work on their bikes with their, like their work clothes and I'm like, that's. It'd be girls in pencil skirts And like button up shirts And you're like sis you really gotta get to work that bad

I'd be on the bike damn near butt naked And I'm sweating I ride shirtless And you are blinding everyone Why would you do that I'm giving the people a little treat And you look like you have a hairy chest You look real hairy

It's pretty bad You look hairy dude Listen you fucking hairless dolphin I don't have that much hair thank you yeah but what's your back look like you don't know what your back looks like just spotless that's no it probably got spots patches it's got one patch one patch finance so wait so you'd be on the bike butt ass naked just the sun bouncing off your white body blinding people yeah so we do one time i was riding and uh i saw john lancer and like a

couple of his friends in the corner i got a little bell i always see people and people like yell my name or i'll be like hey hi you know so i'm riding by and i'm like johnny lester and uh he just like looks at me he tells me later that he was with like his boys you know and they were like yo so one of your boys he goes no no no that's a fan oh that's beautiful he sold me up i love that no that's one of my fans that is the rudest thing I've heard, but I love it. I know, right? Isn't that great?

Just me shirtless. Hey, Johnny! Wait, but what kind of bike do you have? I got an SE single speed. So, what is it, like a racing bike? No, no. Is it like a big, heavy bike? No, it's pretty light.

The tires are thicker than a road bike, and the streets in New York are trash. Oh, they're garbage. They're horrible. What kind of bike do you have? I have a cruiser. It's like a beach bike Of course you do You're riding your fucking sandals

Oh yes A white man pulled up to me While I'm in Bushwick And he's like Do you know where you're going? And I said yeah I live here He's like with that bike?

Oh wow He tried to bike shame you? Yes he did He's like your bike doesn't match Where you're at Oh that's great He said that you need to elevate Your living situation

Or downgrade your bike Yeah we're in a brighton beach bitch you're not in coney island hoe like that's what yeah it was but listen i'd rather try to nag you no he was like you need to get one of these stolen city bikes that's where you're at this is bushwick no he tried to he offered me dinner he's like hey do you want to go get dinner yeah i said uh yeah sure let me just pike uh park my cruiser yeah yeah and get in your dusty ass what kind of bike did he ultima huh he had a car he had a car he pulled up and was like he rolled the window down he was like yeah you know where you at yeah let me tell you get some

food you look fancy dude you like papa's yeah yeah yeah ian do you holler at chicks do you catcall women on the bike uh no but i will ding ding i'll ding my little bell the other night this girl i dinged i was shirtless i dinged she turned around and she like waved and smiled and i was like uh uh do i go back but it's like what the fuck you know odds it was late night she was probably drunk i'm sober i'm not gonna fucking do that you know what i mean and also what am i gonna do be like hop on my handlebars yeah it's like i'll race you home you know how many times just send me your address like a chick or someone and they've been like well let's take a cab and i'm like well i have my bike i don't want to no no no you leave your fucking bike you don't tell

her that you have a bike i i had a dude i was in a club i'm dancing i'm getting fucked up we leave and i'm like okay let's go let's go to your house or whatever and he gets his skateboard he pulls his skateboard from the coach from the fucking coat check and i said sir no no no what are we doing chastity bell comes out i said what are we doing he's like well well i don't live that far you know we can you can skate skateboard to the club are you fucking no oh he skated to the club was he did you go home with him i did was he was his house close wait was this recent no oh wait are you are you are you no i i'm she she listen she do what she want to do when she want to do it thank you and sometimes it's on a skateboard i ain't judging sometimes it's on a

skateboard this is like five years ago eat pussy give head till you're dead that's what's up no no no we don't do that your team eat pussy give head till you're dead yeah that's an interesting team yeah looking for new members or no yeah what's up come join so wait do you while you're riding bikes do you see how people interact with like women on bikes because it's crazy for me is it oh it's disgusting really yeah like there'll be guys like hey can i get on that can i ride with you it's like sir you're 300 pounds where are you gonna fit i'm not body shaming but i'm bottom you body shaming one time so i've never seen a fat person on a bar uh called pangea it's like on 11th and 2nd

and at night it turns into like a trans hub of you know like escorts and everything and I was riding by one night

and I was shirtless and this woman slapped my ass she goes get on out here little man on that bike she slapped your ass

that's sexual harassment did you slow down or did you speed up I've slowed down a bit I've circled back you doubled back you think she would give you some time

for free you know maybe i would try but you know maybe when it came time for bill pay i'd just speed away you know she catch that ass wait so now are you somebody like you seem like the type of person who takes the bike everywhere are you biking on like to dates uh yeah no ian please come into a day with a sweaty back well you get there early you know you can't look like that and show up sweaty let me tell you something i'm doing all right okay sid how well are you doing i'm doing pretty well are you on apps uh i'm on some apps but i it's weird i i meet people in real life oh that's not

weird that's normal that's my life i'm not on no apps the apps are so weird because i don't want an emotional connection i don't want to date i don't really want to be in a relationship but you know you want to bang i got me you want to give your head to your dead respectfully and And in a woke way. In a woke way? I want to bang respectfully and in a woke way. That's what my profile says. It says, message me if you're trying to get thrown around in a way respectful and woke way.

Ian, so you're looking for a black woman. Is that what you're saying? That's right. I love the sisters. Oh, see, now we got to end the podcast. You said sisters. And I am. I just snorted.

I'm appalled. you got them air max he keeps those on when he's fucking a black chick I swear to god he loosens the laces a little bit and they tight as fuck that girl I was with was a sister

really? you met her on the bike? no I met her after a show oh so you killed she was at a show so you killed what did you close on? walk us through this she approached me afterwards

No, no, no, I'm talking about on your set. What did you end with, and then what was it that made her come up to you? I ended with this bit about killing myself. Blowing my head off. She was trying to be Sydney. She was trying to, Captain Saberbeam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was pulling a Sydney.

She was like, hey, buddy, you all right? Hey, buddy! Hey, buddy, you all right? Hey, little guy! Hey, fella. Hey, partner. okay so she comes up to you what did she say i just want to know how girls are approaching dudes yeah she goes do you have any other tattoos and i was like oh yeah and i showed her and she's like

yeah i have one she's like my pussy oh shut up and then uh she was like you know we were just talking so yeah i just moved here i was like oh where are you headed she's like oh i'm staying at my grandmom's i was like all right well what train you taking she's like the queue i was like ah me too so we walked and we talked and then um she lived by you uh marie she took the cue you know and then then i got her number and uh we started texting and then she got was getting coffee in my neighborhood and i was like yeah i'll swing by so i showed up shirtless on the bike and again well i wasn't sure she didn't see me shirtless on the bike first okay and uh we hung out and she came back to my place and we you know fooled around a bit and uh fooled around so you

You fingered her? No. You finger popped a queen? Listen, let me tell you something. On your queen bed? What's fooling around? Ain't the first time, ain't the last time, all right? Fooling around is just making out, a little heavy petting, you know?

What is a heavy petting? Ian, how old are you? Heavy petting is like an old person. Hey, buddy. That's some buddy shit right there. Hey, buddy. Y'all doing some heavy petting in that car? Shut up.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Okay. So there's some... Wow. i feel like that's bold you know she just moved up here and where's she from you don't remember so she don't know no better yeah she probably think you got it like she got it good he's a comedian he was killing it looks like he might have just got a haircut or he needs

one right now yeah she wants to fix me up some women like that they like to like they see a project but i don't know i feel like no one's ever approached me after a show and try to you know marie that's a fucking lie yes that's a lie funny women are intimidating i'd be shitting people down usually yeah usually guys are the ones that are like i'm funny i'm blah blah blah but when a woman is funny and confident you're like oh okay that's a lie marie will be on stage talking about yep i don't want to date nobody i just want to go out to dinner and somebody will hit her up right after the show and be like hey i want to take you out and they're like okay she just wants to get food if nothing else just want to get some apps yeah some apps entree and maybe

a something to go to go you always want something to go to go can i get this wrapped up and they're like hey i took maria out to eat and that's it like yeah that's all she wanted fool well i'll tell you what this girl she stayed over the other night and um nothing really happened or whatever No petting And the next day No petting No The next day we talked

She's like you know I'd much rather I think we'd just be better as friends And I was like Oh that's fine So now we're like She said that to you? She said that to you

Because you only had one pillow on the bed I got three pillows Oh What size is the bed though? So that's somebody else's pillow That they just left there When I see people I'm even with a queen

That's right Shut up So fucking Yeah so now we're like pals And we just like Talk and hang she's a comedian no no no no thank god yeah regular person i don't really fuck around with comedians is that true though it is i dated one and i don't want to touch anymore no you don't

want to touch anymore i understand i mean dating a comedian is just like it's too much yeah yeah it's too much i'd rather you be out there with whatever you're doing whatever you got going on further away from me yo she just gestured at his hair whatever you're doing and do you wear a helmet oh no what's about safety let's talk about safety and riding because i'm free and i don't care i mean you got hit yet you got doored have you gotten hit on the bike yet yeah talk to us about that we want to hear how you almost died i got hit by a car last year what what happened fuck me up dude where were you uh i was at house and infer no a and a and house so you were in man

in manhattan uh i was on the way to a job and uh the light so at that intersection you get the walk sign before the green light yes so the walk sign had said to go so i started to make a u-turn and then the other light turned green you know and for the cars right so the so the cars got the green light to go this way right so the walk sign said to go right so i made a u-turn and the the guy at the light made a right on that green and when i made the u-turn the guy came smacked me up and uh i for the back of the front when front when you ride the bike and you like get hit at first of all when you ride the bike for a while everything slows down and you turn into like the terminator yes you get this thing of like i'm looking towards that intersection i'm

checking behind me i see that wheel turning that means that they're gonna go i see this person here and you have to act as if so you don't wait for people to make decisions you make decisions yes i see people driving bikes in the city looking all crazy right right so the bike has actually helped me in my personal life to be like more confident making decisions on my own damn that's true you more confident now no you have because you have to pay attention you have to think ahead i'm always looking further than what is really in front of me okay so you're using and also your life is on the line too always you don't pop off if if if you don't make a decision like that yeah you could get whatever and in this instance i thought that i could beat the car

and the guy hit that's where you fucked up you can never see your truth this is how people who ride bikes think though i feel like y'all look real confident on the street and you guys act like cars but you start to think i'm i can beat this car listen i i don't drink anymore and the one thing i miss from the drinking is a chaos and like not knowing where i'm gonna wake up or what's gonna happen so i get off on my endorphins going on the bike i see what you mean so i shave my handlebars down i go in between cars and shit and like one time one time i like cut and uh to swerve in between these two cars and this truck my bet it like went in slow motion my back tire almost hit the front bumper of this truck and the guy pulled up next to me i got my music blaring and

the guy was like yeah and he gave me like an excellent sign i was like yeah all right no they're never like that when they they people get so mad because they're like first of all if i hit you i'm in the wrong i'm a car even if even if we probably turn wrong when they hit you it's like most likely you're gonna die not them so it's it's a big deal if they hit a bicycle biking has taught me communication in a way that i never had before because you have these interactions with people and i know for a fact first of all i'm white so i feel like people look at me like piece of shit already oh yeah absolutely i gotta do a lot of damage control you know what i mean And so I got to be kinder to people because I feel like I'm in a way representative of some sort of bigger thing.

You know, you feel like a black person right now. That's crazy. So when I'm on the bike, everyone hates bikers. Yes. Fucking hates us. So I got to be nice and kind. So people are like, oh, maybe they're not that bad. So I use like a lot of hand signals and like I always get the peace sign to like thank you.

I always say thank you. like when the people stop when they didn't have to and let me go by i always say thank you and like when people come up i'm like you're good have a good day see i'm too rude to ride a bike i'm too rude to ride a bike yell but like you think that you'll be rude but once you get in a bike and see the situation it actually makes you dude i've only ever rode a bike on the streets of brooklyn like twice and both times it was because i was with this white dude and he was like it's my birthday let's ride bikes to the bar and i was like we gonna drink who gonna take these bikes back and he was like us and i was like oh dude but i was afraid i was gonna die

the entire time and we didn't even go that far like a couple blocks and i was like every time a car drove by or a bee buzzed by my ear i was like they gonna kill me yeah because you hear stuff you hear more things while you're on the bike but wait so you got hit what what exactly you got hit from the front yeah what happened did you fall you fell off the bike hit me and And in that split second, you got a decision. You either go, you lean in, or you go away. If I shudder away from the car, I get sucked underneath, and I get run over by the tire.

If I lean into it, you hit the hood, and you roll off. You know what I mean? I would hit the hood. I hit the hood. I leaned into it. My shoulder got shot, and then I fucking flew off and landed and fucked my shoulder up. You had a helmet on.

I had a helmet on, yeah. and then to get so i had to go to the hospital and to get over that initial like fear i when i got out of the hospital i rode my back my bike exactly back to the intersection oh the same song on my speaker so that i could be like you're you're going through this again and you're not going to get hurt you went you left the hospital and went back to where you got hit like immediately after and played the same song that's crazy just to prove to myself that you don't have anything That is some Groundhog's Day type-ish. Eventually, it really fucked me up mentally.

I got real scared. I got nervous. But also, too, I overcame it. And if you know there's a chance you're going to die every fucking day, you're going to start to live way different. You know what I mean? It's true. You're going to want to leave a good fingerprint on the world and not a smudge.

Ian, I am a black woman living in Brooklyn in Donald Trump's America. I know every day I could die, okay? I don't need to be on a bike. I could swipe my MetroCard and sit on a train with homeless people dancing. That's what I could do that. You're going to get smacked in the face with a foot from Showtime. I swear. That's what's going to happen to you.

But what you say is true because I always think about riding a bike and I'm like, I can't die like this. I don't even got a good five-minute set online. I haven't been on an official TV set. Like, nah, nah, nah, nah. I got to wait. Like, wait this out. So I'm always in the bike lane. I never really ride.

That's because you're on a cruiser. Yeah Well nobody respects me Every time I'm on the bridge People look at me like This fool People slow down I'm so slow

I'm so slow I got a little basket Are you selling flowers? You got a basket I got a basket Oh you're a beach baby I got like Yeah I got a basket

I got a little radio Sun hat No no sun hat No fucking sun hat This is her sun hat right here You don't see the bangs Shut up bitch She only wears Malaysian sun hat

You wanna borrow my sun hat I need it You need it I need it to look like I had one I got a haircut yo ian how much you pay for this haircut because dude dude the guy was in a band i listened to in high school and we established that like earlier in the haircut so we're talking about that and i don't have my glasses on i'm not noticing that he's fucking cutting my hair with a weed whacker

and i'm like then he and he's like because he looked at it he's like yeah yeah i specialize in curly a white man special place to get curly hair yeah no i know and uh and so this motherfucker is like i'm gonna make you look good i'm like i trust you because i listened to one song years at high school he said i'm gonna make you look good but you already look like that ian like what why do you look good go ahead and lean into that buddy listen yo oh my god okay i used to have like way wilder hair and he like cut it down so now i look like

fucking jewish crusty the clown a little and i don't feel like your hair was wild before now that's why i wear a hat that's why i wear this hat everywhere let me see how you look on it first of all it looked worn out it's got my name on it it looked like he ain't gotta fit it with his name on it you definitely but it looks like you found it at a consignment shop no i bought it at a kiosk in the mall that's that middle of the mall type fitted okay i like it don't even got no stickers on it or nothing i don't need stickers on a hat every time i see a grown man with stickers on his head i want to peel them off he said you know that this uh fitted is fresh as fuck no the sticker be mad peeled and and faded a sticker on your hat

your parents set up like a play group for you when you were younger you like don't know how to be on your own exactly peel the damn sticker off if you're listening to this podcast right now this is a sticker free podcast yeah okay so now you ride to interviews on the bike you ride to dates where am i interviewing i don't know i feel like you go to work on the bike i used to i used to have a job where i'd fix printers in the city these printers just printers specialized postage mail printers every office has them you put the envelope through it it puts postage on it yeah it's like time warner breaks all the time yeah and there's only a handful of people that know how to fix them so i was fucking making money how much how much he was making well you get paid on

work order and if i'm on the bike i can do 10 to 12 work orders a day okay so like give me some ranges like sending out a cruiser she'll fix some printers yeah that's what i'm saying you're making like 22 bucks on a on a job okay and sometimes you're showing up at a place you're going to these multi-million dollar millennial we buy companies and we resurface them into computer blah blah blah and you go in like we our printers not working we got to send out this mail tax season and then you go in and you're like oh okay um it's unplugged so uh pay me thank you yeah just be unplugged that's beautiful and how long does it take you to fix these it would all depend but you know i got to a point where i was so good at it i could just look at it and be like

okay it needs this and then you go you tinker around with it sometimes you can fix it on there sometimes you get a call or you look like a cool it person i see it i don't know anything about like actual computers but i can like fix shit i used to be a carpenter i like love working my hand carpenter i'm like jesus i was gonna say it's like jesus that's right interesting i'm learning a lot about you mr finance that's right i'm glad that you're alive i mean do you ride better now because i still see that reckless in i i am reckless i put music on man i get into it sometimes like i'll put on like michael jackson in the morning and i'll like swerve up first avenue and people are like yeah people are cheering it's putting people in good

moods you know what i mean i love it yep yep uh i put on meek mill and somebody's like turn that garbage off that's the right reaction did i kendrick like the black of the berry on and i was in an intersection and he's just like screaming and i'm like oh sorry i didn't like turn it off yeah they hate when you play terrible ass music yeah or like miley cyrus will come on And sometimes I'll like Own it And then another time What Miley Cyrus song

Is like your like Oh man Go to Miley jail Maybe like See you again Oh I like see you again Maybe nobody's perfect How does that go

Maybe a little like Best of both worlds I don't know any of those I only know see you Well that's off the original Hannah Montana Ooh Don't you bring it back

Yo Ian You'll be shirtless on the bike Blaring Hannah Montana I'm sure they think You gay as fuck Or a pedophile Thank you They're like

Look at this fool Some people love it Like people are like Yeah and i'll give a little ding like this you know some people love it okay top five songs playlists while you're biking oh man it depends on my mood no but okay what's your go-to though right so like in the morning what are you playing or like when you're like in a rush what are you playing or like in the morning i love a michael jackson or like uh like like a good almond brothers you know

who the fuck is i don't know the almond brothers or like a little feet these are like southern like rock bands. What's a song from Little Feet? Little Feet, put on Dixie Chicken. Dixie Chicken? Or put on Spanish Moon. Wow. I'm telling you, you're just saying two words together. Dixie Chicken. I'll fucking jam out to Hendrix.

That fucking puts me in a mood, man. I like Alkaline Trio, which is like a more punk rock band. Or I'll put on this band called Madball. They're like a New York City hardcore band. and they'll get me like you know like really

paddling hard that's Little Feet Spanish Moon this totally goes with you the soundtrack of a goofy white man that's right but you hear it it's got soul come on

please don't say soul not on this podcast I'm here for it though You know what? I'm going to put it in my playlist. Thank you. Also, Warren Zevon. I love Warren Zevon.

Who's that? I don't know who that is. Oh, man. You know what? Just give us a little list on the way out. Werewolves in London? No. What are you saying?

That's like his most famous song. Werewolves in London. Okay. Werewolves in London. Ah-woo. Ah-woo. Wait. Wait.

So Ian, besides getting hit by a car and clipping a truck's bumper, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you on a bike? Man, I used to really get mad. Well, one time I was trying to open a Four Loko on the Williamsburg Bridge. Why would you do that? And I'm a fucking alcoholic, baby. So I've been sober for a while now. Grace of God.

Thank you. Thank you. That's great. How long? What's that? How long have you been sober? like two and a half years that's beautiful oh good for you and the bike helps man the bike helps me get my energy out it does it opens up my spirit it really does on it i work out bits

it like really really really helps i think a lot like is your yoga damn do i need to get a tiny a teeny tiny bag really is man it's definitely helping with sobriety i need it it helps you with depression you know what i mean it gets me out i see parts of the city you could never see i'm tricking myself into exercising yeah i'm traveling i have a couple of saddle sores from like riding too much like saddle sores see this might be too am i but you got to get a special cream because you do chafe and stuff yeah you chafe because you're i'm riding for like over 45 minutes dude sydney get that chafe cream sis so what is it like live your smooth thigh life LaCroix Butter

LaCroix Butter T apostrophe R Sounds expensive Butter No go to Bicycle Habitat On 21st and 7th Bicycle Habitat

They have these Deals like Memorial Day It was everything like Everything black Was half off Everything black Was half off

Black was half off On Memorial Day I don't know how I feel about that That sounds like A boycott Boycott that shit Yeah let's go

Throw some Molotov cocktails Let's go throw Some Four Locos Through the window Of Bicycle Habitat They had a deal If you go in With a front lace weave

You get Seven bucks Fuck you I mean you If I walk out there With seven bucks For a shirt Listen buddy

If you don't get Your white ass Off this podcast Yo A front lace weave Yo Ian You dated a black chick Who took her weave off

One time Oh yeah In front of you Oh yeah I don't believe it I like it natural dude I don't believe it This chick showed up natural

And I was like You gotta stay with that i fucking love it she took you got a lot of nerve as a man like you can you say natural darling like no listen this is my this is my situation whatever you want exactly don't shame me listen it's there's nothing that rolls off a white man's tongue better than i like your hair when it doesn't have anything in it just leave it like that no white dude loves saying that to black girls which is rude just wear it like that it's rude don't tell me how you like how i look Telling you that I like how you look is rude

Don't turn your shit on me I don't think it's rude I just feel like stop telling me how to wear my hair Exactly But it's a lot of black dudes Who like girls with weaves They be like I like when it's straight If you a man

Don't tell me shit about anything that's on my body Let me tell you something However you show up is how you show up If I'm into you I'm into you And I'm gonna like whatever you do If you got your hair natural yeah baby do it If you got fucking braids on, fucking I like that, too. I'm going to compliment you.

I'm not telling you how to live your life. I'm saying you look good the way you are. Sydney? Just the way you are. So miss me on that fucking, you know. Miss him, okay? Miss him, miss him. Listen, don't you hit me with these Twitter, like, fucking lines that you get off fucking Instagram.

It missed me with the. What? Do you use that in a regular conversation, Ian? With white people? Do you say miss me? No. Do you tell your mother to miss you with that? My mom shit on me on the night

I said, listen bitch, miss me on that shit That sounds like something a white man would say to that white woman What's your mom's name, Debbie? I'm sure you broke her down one fight of stairs Let me tell you something The other night I had a chance To go to this chick's place And I like went out and hung out with my mom

At dinner and we were having a good time And I like left And my mom was like, alright And I canceled on a chick Went back with my mom and we watched home videos until like 3 a.m. and it was like

the best time. But who paid for dinner? You or Gail? I'm not going to lie, Gail. I'm going to definitely say Gail. I feel like if you're a mother and you know that you have

more money than like your kid, you should pay. Yeah. Also, too, it's just like... Yes! You disagree, Marie? My mom's alone at home.

When I come home to visit, she wants to be like, will you please bring your laundry? And I'm like, wow. She wants you to bring your laundry from... Because I want to like,

you know it reminds her of when i was younger like taking care of me and shit and if that's what she wants to do how do you normally get you don't bike to delaware no no is it the train or the bus yeah what's the farthest you've ever uh what's the farthest you've ever you've ever biked oh man i biked to the beach two years ago that was really fun i biked to met stadium that was fun in queens yeah that's far yeah that's really from brooklyn yeah oh when i was When I was working my job, I was doing over 100 miles a week. How many miles a week are you doing? And I had fixed gear.

So that means your legs are working the entire time. And it kind of fucked my knee up. Yes, that's bad. I was getting way too tired. I have a back break. So I switch it back to single. I have the pedal break. Oh, do you?

Yeah. I don't know what that means. Fixed is when the crank is always moving. Right. So the wheels, the pedals are always moving. Right. And in order to stop, you fucking jam back. That's what I do.

brakes too because that's just too crazy yeah and i could never like master the skid you know which is very dangerous it's so dangerous and so tough so do y'all pop wheelies on these bikes or nah no thank you pop a wheelie one time and you almost snapped your neck i literally fell back so hard it shook all of brooklyn the noise it made i will never forget of just my dumb body hitting the ground so cocky like watch this did you have a shirt on when you hit the ground what you think no nah you didn't i talked to my mom she's like are you shirtless today i'm like yes there was a kid trying to do a willie and then he crashed into somebody who was on a skateboard i was like why are you doing your skateboard this is your fault skateboarder she's not been on a

skateboard this is where this is a bike lane you go no hands no why would i do that i feel like sydney be doing no hands she'd be on instagram no i don't have enough balance you gotta learn you go one hand first and then you try don't you don't listen to the dude who popped a wheelie and broke his back okay i'm not listen listen you go one hand and then you wear your hair natural with your postmates ass shut up i cannot don't you disrespect you know what i think we've hit everything we wanted to hit city did you have any questions for ian before we go who raised you Gail Gail raised him

My mom And she did a great job A whole village Raised you It takes a village Ian Hit us with your Instagram

Your Twitter Where can people find you My Instagram is Ianimal I-A-N-I-M-A-L Ianimal My Twitter is Ianfidance

My website I-A-N-F-I-D-A-N-C-E Dot com And I got all my dates On there Where do you normally Ride so people can like Meet you

Throw fucking eggs at you oh man oh throw an egg at me see what happens yeah literally like jane i'll swing it around you teenage mutant ninja turtle ass looking motherfucker in williamsburg i started my place it takes me maybe 17 minutes from my doorstep to the foot of the williamsburg bridge in law in uh lower east side okay wait you're you're in williamsburg yeah okay so it takes you 17 it takes me from bushwick to get to the front of the williams break bridge that's 25 minutes oh yeah yeah one time a couple when i get real good i get real nerdy about this bike stuff yo one time i rode when i fixed gear i rode from lower east side all the way to the front door of

my apartment no hands no hand you never touched the handlebars even when you stopped you could until Ann gets no ass. She's just like so excited about that. Sorry, I have a passion. Listen, we're passionate

about this podcast. You guys can see us live in New York on Sunday, September 17th at 8 p.m. at The Pit

in New York City. For more info on that, you can follow us on Instagram unofficial expert. Boom. And I'm Reezy on Instagram.

R-E-E-E-Z-Y. And I'm just Sid B-W. Ian, before we go, anybody who's listening, actually, Sidney, you could chime in on this, too, since you're a bike nerd. Somebody who's listening to this right now maybe doesn't live in the city and they want to get a bike. Like, what,

where do they look? What should they look for? What's the right bike for, like, a sexy black chick with natural hair? Talk us through. No bike. No bike. You should have no bike. Yeah, I think I'm on the right bike, then. I think you should get a single speed i think you would like it they sell them maybe for 179 bucks expensive

website some bikes are like four to six hundred right you don't need all the gears you don't need all the fucking crazy shit single speed my suggestion is you start in your neighborhood ride to your deli ride down the street ride to your train stop right and then get comfortable with that and then go a little bit further get comfortable and confident and then try to ride to a bridge ride with somebody else first ride with someone i'll come down i'll ride with you what's up go to a bridge let me tell you something riding the bridge is the best it is how good is that it's so but it's hard to incline right but the decline makes it all worth it when you going down girl okay city take us away with some some little finger or some little feet or some almond

milk. I got some Warren Zevin. Zeevon. Where was Alondra, baby? This sounds like Sweet Home Alabama. They're similar. All right. Thanks so much, guys. See you guys next week. Bye. Subscribe

and rate and steal your boyfriend's phone and subscribe on his phone, too. Oh, yes. And shout out to Comedy Hype, where you can get all your comedy news. Yes. I love Comedy Hype. Bye. Love it. Bye. We'll be right back.