MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Bitch Expert" with Janet Hyde

Episode Date: July 28, 2017

@JustSydNYC & @MsReeezy talk with fellow comedian Janet Hyde about the B*tchy life.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hey hey sydney what's up it's marie and it's sydney yeah i got it welcome to the unofficial expert podcast uh brought to you by comedy hype mother effing comedy hype yes you can get all your comedy news there so go to www.comedyhype.com feel like you said too many w's anyway i'm happy yeah tell me a lot www you said it like an old person no one says www you just say comedy hype.com really facebook.com like i don't even type in it's http slash slash no no semicolon semicolon i'm done with you actually you know what that was and that was a whole podcast thank you for listening to this week's episode today's the unofficial expert of sounding old about internet retarded um yes make sure you go to comedy hype listen to the podcast there or itunes

i mean if you're listening to this right now i hope you're listening to it on itunes damn marie i'm just saying like we need those clicks true we'll go to comedy do both get you a girl who could do both um so anyway we're having a great time uh the summer is thriving we're you getting abs so hot oh yes i am i'm getting your abs are fucking shutting it down i mean i don't even need to work out all i know is if whenever i'm next to you i feel like i have at least two abs i don't know dude i feel like you need to work out a little bit because fuck we'll take pictures and i'll be like oh i look great and you're like i don't like how i look and i'm like so i can't post this because of you and your self-esteem issue it's a self-esteem issue wait first of all

that's not true i'll be like post it because my face looks good no but i'll be like oh man i wish i would have had like a crop top but like not the crop i just i wish i would have had it like some under all those times that we've been hanging out at the pool and i've been showing my butt on instagram you'll be like oh i feel like i look fat i look like a whale here or something and i'm like But look at my butt. And you'll be like, yeah, we can't post that. And then if I crop you, it's going to look weird because people know. That's why I be on you.

So you can't crop it. I mean, you put my hand like right there. She's going to just put her boob on my arm. I'll put my hand literally all on your neck. I don't even need an arm, okay? I'll scoop it out weird. I'll cut it. I'll trace around your body.

I'm done. Marie, what the hell were you an expert in this week? Speaking of being all over my body. uh this week i was an expert at accidentally uh attracting a lesbian accidentally accidentally you had your habs all out okay you're talking about uh you know people want you this and that i mean yes yes yes you throwing your ass back i mean i was not throwing my ass back my ass stayed where it was uh but my my stomach i think that people don't understand that like even if you have a flat stomach you still got to suck it in a little bit like

remember i told you to suck in the other day and you were like and i was like yo i was like i'm done being friends with you but the picture looked better i'm just wearing that a hijab i'm gonna wear a job i don't know i'm just gonna get a job and just fuck it i'm not gonna just have a little window to the soul yes that's it my eyes are cute i'm good little windshield wiper shut up talk about your gayness so i was uh we were out and this girl was like i have a question for you will you go on a date with me and i was like who are you talking to you talking to me or you're talking to the lesbian because i was with sydney and she was like i'm talking to you she wasn't talking to

me i already shouted out my girl 12 times i shouted out i was talking about penis uh i feel like uh that don't matter lesbians could break that wall down yeah exactly break all them walls down no but i was like who are you talking to like i was like that's not how marie said it she was like that's not that's not how i said who are you there were witnesses there were legit like 60 people there i was like because everybody in the room was like oh and i was like who are you talking to and she was like you and then she was like i'll get you an uber home and i was like wow from where and uh she said brooklyn and i was like yeah what part of brooklyn because you're not gonna have me in east new york or brownsville um i'm not gay and i'm not that

hungry so like pick like a place that i would actually like to be and she was like crown heights and i was like that's cute yeah see me after the show and then she didn't speak to me after the show because she knew she knew she knew that was you know you play fucking games she knows you're an actress and at least listen also she knew that i was straight like as somebody who's attracted to women did you ever feel like you wanted to turn somebody out like you knew they weren't gay or into women but you were like i could take this down girl i'm no i've never had the confidence to be like yeah you want this work like come on no that's not happening like i don't even i feel like even though i've been a lesbian for years now i still feel like i'm like uh practicing

you still feel like this is like a like a trial run like college but you're not in college i don't have a master's in uh yeah but do you have you ever like gotten your friend drunk or a chick drunk just so you could make out with her because i feel like that seems like something you might probably do oh bitch are you saying i'm a predator fuck no you see how defensive you are that means you've done that i mean i got a couple lemon drop shots for a hoe before i put sugar on the rim and everything you want to do body shots carol let's do them yeah i mean i've never kissed any of my friends even though like my friends are pretty i'll be like you're pretty for a friend like you do have all pretty do you have you're pretty for a friend like i'm not trying to kiss any of my

friends me and sydney actually accidentally touched uh hands once and i was trying to wait to what you were saying i was like where is this going accidentally our knuckles brushed against each other and we didn't speak for a week people were like how's you and i was like who who i think i think i held your hand once uh i think i was i think i was on molly though yes you i hugged you i know but i think we held hands to get like through the crowd yeah we did you were like i'm gonna lose her if she doesn't well the whole time you were like i don't you were fighting the molly because you were like i don't want sydney to touch me that's what it was i didn't want anybody you wanted me to there to protect you from men but you were also like who's gonna protect me

from sydney my god protected me from you whatever whatever marie sydney what were you an expert in this week i'm an expert in running my damn mouth way too much i've been getting in a lot of trouble because of the podcast and i'm working on holding back you're gonna get in trouble because of what you say on the podcast you're just gonna say that on the podcast yeah i'm i'm here to say this is a public apology i am sorry sorry i am sorry anything that i've said shut up that offended like a close friend of mine if you're a stranger and i don't know you whatever but if i if i know you if we broke bread before if i slept on your couch i apologize you know i just want to tell you it's too late to apologize i'm giving a public apology i'll be

talking about people's baby showers and everything like you'll be putting all your i you know i had a friend i was talking about baby showers and i was like if you don't i went to a baby shower and somebody was serving filet mignon there and i said listen if you don't have filet mignon at your baby shower don't even invite me and then my friend was like that's very rude to say some of us can't afford filet mignon at a baby shower and i was like but you can afford a baby okay because that's actually more expensive than steak exactly so she was upset about that and i haven't been invited to anything since so so did she have a baby or now yeah she had a baby oh it's fine but the shower was whack i'm gonna watch what i say i need to be nicer to the people that i actually know so what

that means is i will absorb all the evilness from sydney and i will be even meaner i will be sending you notes through the podcast so that you can say everything that i want to say sydney i will absorb your evilness uh just don't touch me that's it that's all that i ask from you don't See, ew, ew, she just put her feet on me, and now I'm probably going to lose my foot. Speaking of evil, well, that was a solid segue, sis. Speaking of evil. Speaking of evildoers, villains, Jafar and Scar, I'm going to throw Ursula in there, too, because she was bad.

Our guest today is a comedian. Yes. And we've done, she's got a great show in the city. um comedian female comedian with tits female no is it called female yeah i thought it was just comedians with tits common mistake because you have guys on the show we do but we're the hosts are female comedians with tits ah female comedians with tits so like both of y'all are not flat chested is that what you're trying to say no it's it's just like it's redundant and silly i hate the term female a lot wait hold on we didn't even introduce you wait one second

do it over marie just do it just do it sydney just do it our next guest is a comedian she has a show called female comedians with tits she is our bitch expert bitch give it up for janet head janet hide hi janet hi hello thanks for having me hi hide hi janet i feel like you're too nice to be um right well right now true she's nice but i've seen her in action and i'm like damn janet you was ready to go can you walk us what when did you see her in action anytime there's a man in the room she's ready to go off sydney and i used to be at a lot of daytime open mics together where it just gets a lot of ugliness and a lot of dumb men saying dumb shit and so it's my responsibility to shut that down when i can jenna is assertive she speaks her mind she's not afraid

and i love that about you but it comes off across to people who have penises as a bitch true i a lot i hear from a lot of guy comics that i'm friends with if i'm like they'll say that other guys are afraid of me that's the thing are these other guys are these other guys comedians yeah so it don't matter i think it's not just comics but it's always been such a strange thing for me to hear because i think i'm a nice fun person but i definitely have a pretty low bullshit tolerance and i'm very blunt and i'm very straightforward let's let's go through some things that you feel like you won't tolerate uh a man somebody sitting on your bed in their street clothes will you tolerate that or no above the covers on the very edge of the bed in a transition phase while you're

taking your shoes off or something sure see i'm not tolerating that but that's not that's a strong no i don't even want you to come into my room with your street clothes i'm like take your clothes off at the door with your shoes well i will marie my gay ass will show you this body girl i'm all set yeah okay that's not that's not one of my particular rules okay and i can understand that what about like uh you go on a date with a guy and he's like whoops forgot my wallet which i have already eaten uh you're gonna tolerate that i would i mean there's nothing you can do about it so i would deal with the situation but i mean i'm not gonna not pay but i would definitely i would leave call him out janet i would be like well that's crazy because i didn't bring

minds either i've said that i that's janet i would feel too bad for the waitress i'm not gonna like true true or you could be like i would like call your roommate i would pay i would pay for it while completely belittling him and then never give me real loud would you like real loud so everybody could hear it would depend on the situation but maybe well let me hear what you say oh i mean i would just like get quiet and mean and be like are you serious right now like is i i don't have like a particular script but it just i don't know i feel like i have one time i was on a date with a guy it was like a fourth date or something and we had already been out a few times like you know all day fun it was great did y'all kiss yeah we had already kissed like it felt like it was maybe

going somewhere and there's like our fourth date and he was just in a really shitty mood like he was just like i don't know what his day like he had a hard day like i don't know he like his foot was hurting and like he got like a parking ticket something like just a lot of dumb shit that's like okay you're a grown-up you had a bad day i'm sorry you had a bad day but he was like pouting during a whole day it was like pulling teeth to talk to him and i got to a point where it's just like what is what is going on like you are acting like a baby you're in a bad mood you're ruining this like i don't know i don't know what to do right now like you could have canceled like yeah i'm like if you can't if you weren't like willing to be here right now then you shouldn't have

come like you're being rude right now in a way that i think most people would not be comfortable calling out the uncomfortable thing that's happening i was like fuck this this is ridiculous what did he say he sort of apologized and like acknowledged like you're right i just you know i didn't want to cancel but and it was just no you know he didn't want to cancel because he was being nice or he didn't want to cancel because he wanted to see you or he didn't want to cancel because he thought day number four i'm gonna get some ass tonight it was unclear i mean it was like a very i mean there's there's a whole other whatever how that ended was this a comedian no this is not a comedian this is a regular because i was like worried that you got that

far with a comedian four dates four dates i was like y'all had to be go on dates is that a thing about male comics i don't think they would have hung out at the cellar like yeah this is a day we got some wings i bought wings i had a comedian taking me to get uh burgers once oh actually i have a comedian that feeds me pretty regularly but we i don't call those dates we just be hanging out you know what i'm talking about yeah well he's taking me out too exactly and he's taking my sister out we went to brunch together wow i need to he just likes to eat meet more of these people okay but who's this comedian who you had a burger with oh you know who the one who pulled his dick out in my house wow remember that he got you a burger well that's why he pulled his dick

out like you know how hard it is to get money to make a janet pay for a burger for you janet let me let me back let me back up a little bit tell you what happened so uh this comic and i had hung out a couple times but like i don't date comedians and uh he came to my house to pick something up it was real late he was drunk and i was in my bathroom fixing my hair because two hairs were out of place and i was like sliding it behind my ear or whatever greasing my scalp and he was on the other side of the bathroom door like hey can i come in to use the bathroom and i was like yeah yeah i'm like i'm not doing anything in here i'm coming out and he's like can i please come in and i was like yeah you can come in and he was like can i please enter like the way he asked was like

weird and i was like i swung the door open and he's standing on the other side of the door with his dick out but his pants were still oh that's horrible is that something you would have tolerated It was through the button. No, I would not have tolerated it. I would have yelled at somebody about that. I don't understand. What could the possible outcome be? Like, that's not a sexy thing.

Somebody didn't fuck Tim. Yeah, that means that move has worked before. Yeah. Really? It had to have, because men do things. I feel like I would ask. Like, the way I would handle that situation, I would be like, explain to me your actions.

Like, how could you possibly think that this is going to be something I'd want? I mean, one thing if he was, like, all the way naked, like, still not okay. But at least you're like... What is this, Varsity Blue? Exactly. But like who, I just feel like, just like hanging out of his fly.

Just out the butt and flat. Like dicks look gross. Dicks are disgusting. They are not attractive to the eye. No. I heard it was sturdy though. I heard it was sturdy. I heard it wasn't terrible to look at.

I feel like even the good ones are still not great to look at. No. Like that's not what's attracting me to the situation. You think a dick looks nice? i saw she just it's been a while it's been a while she forgets yeah she's glamorizing it in her mind you've seen a pretty but you don't know my life last time you saw a penis in real life in a sexual situation like up maybe you were at the gym maybe four years ago okay all right exactly you remembering it like fondly but they don't they don't look good but i had one guy who

was a model who had he was thick and it was nice it wasn't bumpy and like the veins didn't look like it could talk uh this being said we can just take a minute uh if you think you have a pretty dick please uh tweet us uh dm us your dick pics dm us at uh janet hide i've never gotten a dick pic i don't think i i think i people know yeah people who don't send me dick pics either to them i don't know wait you scare guys where they don't even want to send you a dick pic i don't know they think it's gonna shrivel up and fall off or something they don't even want to cancel on dates with you dude janet what are you doing it's unclear i don't know guys don't fuck with you at all i mean i have sex sometimes the craziest thing that a man has ever done to you

and gotten away with or tried to get away no let's do like bad behavior yeah uh like have you ever somebody ever cheat or what i've never had cheating that i know of uh pretty recently i was starting to see a guy who wanted me to peg him was he a comedian no it's not a comedian yo i'm just trying to get to the bottom of the t that's what i want this is new york city there are 13 million people here just so you know i just want to make sure janet is not making bad decisions i appreciate janet hold on let's back up so peg him means strap on and like penetrate correct wow what borough was this man from brooklyn wait this is a new brooklyn williamsburg no um so we had only been on a few dates but we had hooked up a few times

and yeah i brought it up immediately like the first time we hooked up asked if i'd ever done it before and i was like wait take us there take us there i'm you and you're him uh this is nice so have you ever pegged before like straight up like it was like right out It was, like, not smooth. It was not casual. I'd be like, is that a game? What game is pigs? And, I mean, I know what that was.

I was like, not yet, but, like, maybe, but I don't know. Not tonight. He's like, oh, no, of course. You said not tonight? Yeah, you are a bitch. Not tonight. No, that's not. That's a nice way to say no.

Right. And so then the next time, we, like, that was our second date. We went out again. The second date he asked me, do you have a pig? first time the first time we ever like fooled around then he really wanted you to stroke that prostate then the next time we hung out again like as soon as we started fooling around he's like so remember when i brought up i'm like yes i remember again not tonight like maybe and so then i was just like okay am i gonna do this it seems like he really wants me to do this janet were you down

i i was i try to be open-minded i'm like it's not something i've wanted to do see you i feel like You don't have the leg strength for pegging. I am not a strong woman. It's true. I am not physically strong. You gotta have a good core to peg. I do not have a strong core. I feel like, Sydney, would you peg somebody if they asked you to peg them?

Fuck no. I feel like I would peg a white man. Marie? I feel like I would peg, but then, obviously, it wouldn't be somebody that I want to be in a relationship with, because I wouldn't be able to take you seriously. Marie? i would like i feel like i strap one for a white man and be like this for my aunt says it's hers i feel like that's the right approach marie i don't see it i mean you will you would never see

it though dude are you sure we wouldn't be taking pictures or maybe i'll be sleeping on the couch though i'm like what's going on in there okay okay dennis so he's he brings it up again yeah brought up twice you thinking i'm thinking about it i'm talking about it with everybody like kind of hyping myself up like all right whatever try i'll try anything once sort of thing yeah how did you weigh the pros and cons of this it was just sort of like first of all he got to buy what no he had one uh-uh no no i'm not pegging you with somebody else's strap no fuck that strap on i need a new strap on the straps that you use to put it i need a new one that was not some i need a new harness i need a new harness you need a new belt yeah you need a new

penis belt yeah okay so you weigh the pros and cons you you say you'll try and i was into him like he's girl how into him were you she was into it enough that she considered plugging his butt right but so anyway i was like it's a commitment just let you know you know that once you in i should know yeah you should shouldn't you why are you acting like surprise bitch but i like how horrified you were the idea of pegging a guy but she pegs people too i don't technically pegging is a woman anally penetrating a man i've never i mean i've put a finger in a man's butt see i've never done that that's gross you are an animal don't touch nothing he took a shower i took a shower right i mean that's fine you're on molly

that seems right this is the second time molly came up today so wait janet okay so besides that you didn't so you liked him we i liked him i was thinking about it i was kind of like whatever can you give us a tiny bit of background on him was he like a doctor a lawyer in my mind he was like a blue like a no he's like white collar no he's like was he a real estate guy that goes to open like he's like a creative type like a creative artist yeah or a musician was his name anthony

i'm not gonna give any more personal details he was his i was his name jake now i just want to kind of guess have you guessed the types of names of guys i would go out with anyway so between like the third date and the fourth date there was like a week and a half went by and i was like okay maybe you know i'm gonna keep an open mind and like me you know like googled some stuff were you doing squats and stuff or you know i wasn't i wasn't pegging no i should have you should have did you google stuff with an incognito window you did i did i did use the incognito that might have been the first time i ever used the incognito what's that it's like doesn't keep your history it's a secret like way to search

marie you doing how do you not know about the window because i'm not afraid because she'd just be on the train googling she'd be like sir how do you spell peg is it w w w yes okay so we go on the fourth date and i was in like not the best i was like now i was in a bad mood yeah i was fine but i was like a little anxious whatever about the pegging but among others yeah so i was like oh you had a bad day yeah well i was like just came straight from work and like so i was like not my best date self i mean i was still charming as hell but i was not my most charming right right anyway we go back to his place wall of dicks and uh me again we start fooling around and he brings it up he's like you can say

no and i'm like i know i can say no but i'm open like it didn't seem like whatever like right also i've said no twice already and you've been like but remember so she said not tonight she never said no i know i hadn't given a hard no but so he wanted that hard yes though i i did it we did that thing it did not go well it was like super it was super awkward i didn't know what the hell i was doing i know you didn't of course i could tell the way you probably planted your feet yeah you were like nah he was like did you did you sit and he sat on top of you we tried a few different ways oh my god janet i learned something new about people none of them went very well yo okay i was not i was like pretty uncomfortable and like you know i'm a confident woman but

this was not to peg i thought i was i went in i went in and then i was just like oh girl you can't go in like it's brunch okay you gotta go in like to your professional exactly like how do you practice you gotta take the day off work you can't come straight from work oh how do you practice you go to a basement jamaican party um and you know how guys like do that dance behind a woman that's what you should be doing behind a man right and that's how you learn it didn't go well like it you guys couldn't get it in or you couldn't get the strokes right like all of the above but he'd done it before right but he was not like as good of a coach as i was hoping who the fuck is coaching pegging he just wanted to be dominated i guess and i was not dominated ready

for it he should have paid you for that because that is that's not like he needs somebody who knows how to do that he should have told you to bring your male roommate or something yeah that sounds like actually what it should so that so what do you do after pegging goes wrong we went to sleep we like i slept over no neither would have y'all slept sitting there in the moonlight like damn what am i like he turned over just looking he's looking at your calves like look how big our calves are you don't even get it in my butt one tear probably went down like what did i go wrong and then i woke up the next morning went straight to work and then you go to work after a night like that i went to work from the pig i went to run a carnival at a homeless shelter

that was what i did for girl i would have called out of work at a homeless shelter though she that's like volunteer work yeah exactly just don't show up they would even pay you don't even show up be like something came up i mean went down went down okay and then he never contacted me i would never i would change my name you should have messaged him like hey you remember what you said to me this is where i'm a i'm a bitch okay and i'm like no you are not ghosting me after this happened like that's fucking crazy so over like over the weekend i sort of like put it like hey how's it going like he was like out of town like let me know if you want to hang out when you get back and he responded but didn't make any plans and then like a full week went by and i was like

this is nonsense and i sent him like a long angry text message i was like listen like i tried yeah like i think you know i wouldn't have done that if i thought i was never gonna see you again and like i was uncomfortable and i was like trying to be open i would only do it if i was never gonna see you again that's that's a different approach marie i cannot yo all peg matters so you so i was like listen like you know that was messed up yeah like don't do that to anybody else it wasn't cool and what did he say he he like apologized but it was whatever it was a kind of a like what the hell was the problem he you're not an expert that's not what you do right i am not the expert on pegging that's not what i'm here for is that

You the unofficial expert Of pegging Janet I can see the way You do your hair You're not trying to peg You gotta You gotta slick that shit back Yo you gotta gel the sides

If you're gonna peg Yo your bangs is in the way You can't peg with bangs Yeah girl You can't like While you're pegging Like your bangs are like In your eye

Like it's not gonna work It's real bad Dude I feel like I love that story so much That was a great story Thank you And um Maybe that should be

On your radio show Marie I don't think we can say that On FCC Yeah you def can't Radio Just peg It's pretty explicit yeah it's we can't say anything lewd or lascivious oh yeah no ass play both so janet men think you're

a bitch what about at work like where does the bitch start end and finish uh or like if end and finish so i'm overwhelmed by this whole story you're thinking about all the people you could i know just a little bit so i work in an office with a lot of like young women and i say women to be generous because i like to say women instead of girls but but they're like they're and they would call themselves girls like they're 22 23 24 a lot of girls that age so i'm a girl their parents are still in their lives so i'm a girl and they're you know a lot of them it's their first job like they don't know nothing nothing they don't know what to do they don't know like how it's appropriate to ask for something or like so for me i'm definitely like if somebody asks me to

do some i'm helpful like i'll help do something but if you're asking me to do something that like you really should be doing yeah i will say yes i will not have a nice look on my face and i will show you how to do it like that sort of thing you're gonna show somebody how to do it and then if they ask me again i'll be like this you're supposed to do this like i'll help you but this is yours and just like saying no to things when if somebody's asking me to do something that they should be doing you'd be like saying being firm like being polite but firm and being like no i don't have time to do that sydney how do you say oh no i don't have time to do that that's what i say at work too uh that's why i don't bartend no more uh miss can i have a vodka soda

no i don't have time to do that let me show you how to do it you put the vodka in after you put in the ice then you throw the soda on sydney how do you say no at work i feel like you just be like nah i just don't look anybody in the eyes like i don't give them direct eye contact so like i if i'm not looking then maybe they maybe they assume that i didn't hear and that i'll just act like i didn't hear it that's a real thing yeah i mean if it's somebody who i work with and they ask me to do some people don't ask me to do shit at work because they already know my face already looks like a no so i make it so uncomfortable for you to ask me to do something like sometimes somebody can't make it to their table and they're like well sydney can you bring um this red bull

over there and i'm like this one can of red bull girl no like i'm not like i'm on my phone can't you tell like i'm about to post this fly ass photo i don't have time to drop this red bull off i mean i used to be really helpful helpful and i say yes a lot but but i do that outside of work a lot i rarely say no i'm exhausted my friends people that i know i'm always willing to help but at work that's where i can put my foot down a little bit more but it is hard as a woman to tell somebody no that's like maybe higher up right that's extremely hard and that's where yeah i mean i feel like in a bunch of different jobs i've had experiences with bosses who are like really kind of forceful and sometimes like ask for things that maybe they shouldn't right i don't

mean like inappropriate i just mean like they're asking they're just like girls am i trying to touch you at work nothing like that but they demand a lot or they like ask for something and they're like i need it immediately that kind of stuff where it's like no that's not how it's supposed to work like you need to like give people reasonable times and like i try to teach the younger girl like how to push back against that like respectfully but being like i will get this to you by the end of the day or whatever it is you look like the type if you came in my bar i'm like yo she's gonna talk to the manager if i don't get my shit together so i know you do look like the type to be like that i need to speak to very mean that's very mean have you ever have you ever asked

to speak to a manager uh i don't think so and if i have no no i'm trying to think it wouldn't ever be it wouldn't ever be like i like with with servers and wait staff like i am super polite like i get that their job is hard and most people are rude because i think i'm i don't think i'm rude no i might be blunt but i'm not going to be rude to somebody the only time i would ever ask to see a manager would almost be to like help out the server because it's like i know this isn't your thing and i need to like oh and maybe if i were doing that because i'm like with my uncle who's being a dick or something like that so i want to handle the situation as like kind of i apologize no that's fine okay but i can accept that i might look like that okay you also look

like you might yelp some shit so like i do not yelp you don't yelp you don't be like this tuna tartar was too tartar and i found a bang hair in my rice i am not picky when i find a hair i eat around it you are the nasty expert that might be true you're eating hairy rice and and putting things and hairy butts i am shocked so janet do people call you a bitch all the time or like is that the word that they use like how do they address you i don't get it this is where i don't know because i don't get it to my face a lot because you look like if somebody said it to you in your oh yeah and that's things like i think that this might be an opinion people have of me or i'll hear like kind of hearsay about it but i don't think i think people who know me well know

that i'm not yeah but it's people who only know me a little bit well i think that's the thing right like when i'm a bitch when you're confident and you don't have time to waste on people's dumb questions or like you know how sometimes guys will try to flirt with you and they'll try to like they'll be like like i was just at the store and the guy was like miss uh can you show me which one is the parsley and i was like i don't know what you're saying sir no i don't have time and he's like i just want to know which i'll be like you came to pick something up and don't know what you're picking up sir right but like somebody like that'll see me and be like oh yeah she's not right which is and see to me the thing is that person's being rude that's my whole thing of like

a lot of times one person will start being rude and then the response is for most women like oh i've got to play it nice i gotta like ease this situation i want to like escalate it can escalate So we're trained so much to be like, don't, you don't want to piss anybody off because they could hurt you. And that's real. I feel like you should look at me as the queen that I am and know that if you say something, I will say something back and it is going to be something that's going to make you feel real little.

I will escalate a situation. Yeah. Yes, I will. But like not, not so much anymore because I feel like somebody might cut me with a knife on the train. It's possible. at that i mean it's scary to realize like so much of this that why women feel like they can't be assertive or they can't say no it's because they're scared there's a girl who just got killed

for saying no to a guy who was trying to talk to her in the street she was like that happens like every couple years yeah like a couple months yeah it's a real thing it's scary but we should be allowed to say no and like legit me no yeah and not have that even be considered rude yeah it's Like, I was on the train yesterday, you know, headphones in, like, zoned out. And it was, like, a crowded train. And there was a guy next to me that, like, I kept, like, you know, we were, like, bumping into each other a little bit. And I could tell he was, like, looking at me a lot.

And I was just, like, not paying attention. Right. And I got off the train. And he, I don't know if he was going to get off anyway or not, but he, like, followed me off the train and was walking next to me and started talking to me. And, like, I took out the headphones and, like, looked kind of like, what do you want?

like because i'll give people directions i don't mind like i'm happy to do that but he was just like trying to ask me out and i was like and like we were then on the streets like where do you live and i'm like near here bye like walked away yeah and then i had to like look behind my back to make sure he wasn't following me to my apartment like that like he was being inappropriate and rude what did this man look like he's just like a little fat white guy did he have a flip-flop on because if he did a fat white guy would do that but if he had a flip-flop on you could take him because he can't really run yeah so i was not afraid of this person but it's so creepy black man would also do that he wouldn't have flip-flops on he would not he had on a boot if he had a timber limbo he

wouldn't be able to run after you anyway so you'd be fine the shoes wouldn't be laced yeah he would trip over them you're right he would cinderella right out them shoes he'd be like oh no uh but yeah i don't we shouldn't be afraid to just be honest but have you ever been in a situation where like you made a scene just because because you don't seem like the type that'll make a scene i've made scenes get into it janet let's talk about like the the most dramatic scene because that's the first thing i go to when i see like a woman like screaming going like going off i'm like damn bitch like calm down is it that serious if i don't if i didn't get the backstory i'm like what's up well everything looks crazy out of context right yeah my thing when i am getting

ready to make a scene is do i want to be the angry black woman today and usually i don't right so i'll just like i'll i'll curse you out real quiet right see i don't i don't have to deal with that i mean the going to the manager is like the white woman version of that i guess not even because i feel like going to the manager is not even no it's not nearly as bad a stereotype but So I feel like sometimes I don't know that I've made a scene on my own behalf, but I feel like if I like whatever the bystander stuff, if I saw somebody else, like I'm not afraid to start yelling in public and like publicly shaming someone if they're doing something wrong. Like I would feel like I'm comfortable as a white woman being like, sir, I see your penis out on the train, like and like get everybody on the car. There's a black lady. There's a video of some woman that's yelling at this guy because she's going off.

she said he was jerking off on the train and she's like you doing that freaky shit and she was like next stop i don't even care if she'll stop or not you're getting off the train and he was like like everybody just looked and somebody got the video and she's just yelling at him i guess it was an express train because they were on train for a long time without it stopping and then he got off at the next stop and she's like he's touching himself there's kids here and i think like how many people saw that at least 20 other people saw that but nobody wants to say anything because nobody wants to be rude i'm afraid that he's gonna whip his dick out and throw it on my face that's why that's if he's jerking off in public he's probably gonna hit

me with his dick on a crowded train take many steps back i'm all set i will quietly watch him jerk off and be like no cindy will pull her phone out and be like look at this no you know my phone will be dead my phone stay dead so i'll be tapping in person can you record that for me and then send it it's a 718 and then wait till i get wi-fi my bad that is so crazy i don't think i've ever seen i've never seen anybody jerking off on the train but i've definitely like have yelled at people in public and then thought about it like was i going off or was i protecting myself i don't know i've i've yelled at customers we're allowed to do both of those things we're allowed to like lose it once in a while just because we had a hard day or whatever we've we've had enough

and then we're also allowed to protect ourselves always always and sometimes we just being dramatic and uh we deserve to be fired you know are you serious i never deserve to get fired i don't care if i throw up while i'm on the job and fall asleep in a stall that happened to you when 2016 about three years ago 2000 but they said they didn't fire me because of that they said that happens to everybody everybody blacks out and pass out in the middle of their shift it's because you were coming late all the time and you acted like you didn't want to be there this is what got you so if i just was on time i could have just threw up and passed out every job i've ever gotten fired from which is every job i've ever had i deserve to be fired from

so anyway uh after you janet yeah janet now we used to go to open mics together and you would tell these dudes what it is like they would say a comment and you would be in the back and you would hit them with some like feminist lyricist lounge deaf comedy deaf comedy deaf comedy jam some maya angelou yeah you would say stuff in the back and i'm like wow she's really heckling at this mic yeah i have no problems with heckling at open mics i don't understand why that doesn't happen more often oh i feel like we used to do that but we just laugh at them when the stuff wasn't hitting me and sydney would laugh at people at mics and like shout things out and somebody called us the two old guys from the muppets yeah that's and i was

like beautiful compliment thank you so much but then after the mic janet would pull the dude aside and be like well this is why that didn't work sometimes not always let me help you with your bit so there's two categories there's guys that are like never going to be funny that aren't good that don't have jokes that just say crazy shit that's horrible yes and with those i sort of pick and choose like i'm not going to change their mind but sometimes i have to say something or else it's going to make me go crazy so if i go up after one of those guys i'll like spend a minute tearing them down like i'd like to fact check people so that's something i have a tendency to do like if they say something that's just straight up wrong i'll correct them um and

sometimes i'd yell that from the back um because it just pisses me off like don't be wrong like be funny like make a joke don't say well i think that's the biggest thing about comedy that i have a problem with right because when i think of comedy i think of entertainment i go to comedy shows i mean i don't really go to comedy shows but like i as a performer i feel like people come to comedy shows to be entertained right don't be up here yelling about your ex-girlfriend and how she cheated on you when she's a hoe now if it's not funny you're just it's a sad yeah sad sad play i think there's this attitude with a lot of especially new comics yeah and guys that like the the most shocking thing is the funniest thing so they'll just like throw in the word rape or

abortion or whatever like talk about nigga yeah or like talk about hitting people like to just get to like shock people it's like yeah that's not funny unless there's a joke unless there's a punch line you're just saying well that's the thing right they they see louis ck or chris rock or these people bill burr and they're like oh they say shocking things all the time right but they got jokes though they got jokes but also they've been doing comedy for 20 something years right like they know how to structure something so that it's not offensive right and so those like there are some that are whatever they're never going to be good but then if there are guys that i'm friendly with that they have a joke they have an idea but sometimes they'll still lean on that

stuff or they'll say something that's like kind of ignorant for them i'm like i want you to be good i like this could be a good joke you're saying this dumb thing that like makes me hate you right now and it's gonna make other women hate you if they hear you say i know you're a good dude and you don't mean it like that so see janet i feel like that make you sound nice you don't sound like i am you're a nice person you are nice so i actually i am starting a new podcast okay called dude talks to a lady okay which this is like the whole point i can't wait to hear i interview male comics about their jokes about women can i like tell you some people that you should interview i'm looking for suggestions because i want it to be like the full range of guys that are like

tell jokes about women that are funny and good and like you know maybe would be controversial but like i still laugh at and think it's funny and then also like dudes are like yeah i'm sexist and here it is that are also like funny like you know i don't want i'm not going to be inviting the guys from open mics that like can't string a joke together that just say awful things just hurt they feelings but i want to definitely get those be the ones who listen to our podcast girl Oh, wow. Don't single anybody out. Hey, open mic, guys.

We love you. No, that's not what I was going to say. I was going to say, good luck getting some spots. Marie, somebody's going to be waiting outside of the show for us. Ready to fight. They're not going to be at the show inside performing. See, Janet, that's a bitch right there. Hey, I was going to say, the more this goes on, I feel less qualified talking to Marie.

I feel like she's got it. I'm locked out. Janet, I feel like I learned a lot from you. I do. i really do feel like that now do you have any advice for women who uh are like afraid of not seeming nice or ladylike in any situation yeah i think that you can be firm and polite and that like as long as you are polite and respectful to other people like you don't have to be sweet and nice okay so like firm figure yeah like figure out and you can say those things

with a big old smile like i used to live in texas where some of the meanest bitches like that's sure yes but like you know the whole like bless your heart like say the meanest fucking thing with a big sugary smile on your face is like that works like that's a so i feel like i kind of have that approach sometimes like so you can say no to something and still be nice about it and like i feel like sometimes people say no and nice it sounds condescending so like i don't know what's the whole thing no i can't do it right you don't have to be i mean you don't have to be sweet about it but i feel like for some people that i've like can't say no to anyone and i mean mostly like even with friends and something you know somebody asked you for a favor

that's not appropriate to you know like oh will you come pick me up from the airport it's like a two-hour drive for you and they could take a 15 cab like no you should say no like that kind of thing yeah some people just don't know how to do that and so to me it's like trying to figure out like what do you actually want and like be okay with admitting it whether it's okay knowing what you want that's what damn janet janet i'm gonna list a couple things um and then you tell me if you would say yes or no to these things okay is this a quiz so these are like favors yeah Hypothetical favors. These are favors.

Okay. Okay. I need to borrow $500. You don't need to know why. No. Wow! Unbelievable! Janet, I'm having a destination wedding in Saint Tropez or whatever.

Okay. I'm not covering the hotel. And you have to come and you're in my wedding as well. If it's somewhere I wanted to go. Saint Tropez. And I love you. and i'm free at that time then yeah i would go but if i didn't have the vacation or i couldn't afford it i would say no um but this is your like good friend you can't make it happen

uh my personal financial situation situation right now i probably could but if i couldn't i would say no jenny's getting coins jenny's going to central pay but i wouldn't like i would there have been destination type things that i would definitely say no to if it was like truly my like closest friend and i was in the wedding i would make it work but if i was like invited and not in the wedding and didn't want to go nah yeah i feel like cindy be saying yes to all the destination weddings i used to when i had money i don't do it no more i mean i say i don't get let me just uh i don't get invited to many destination weddings let's tell you that this is not a problem that could just be your friends they need to you know step day money no all your

friends are just considerate i wouldn't go that i did have to go on a destination bachelorette party once to where okay to mexico and i did not have the money at that time but i did go and everybody goes why are they going to a basic ass place mexico is the new vegas you know oh i have a question um hey janet i need to go out um can you watch my baby if i'm free i like babies so if i was free and you don't have a shitty kid okay sure janet uh i'm a hoe obviously and um have unprotected unprotected sex and uh i need to get a plan b but i am too ashamed to go back to the right aid to get it can you go pick up a plan b for me here's the money one time i would do that for somebody one time wow i wouldn't even

pick up a plan b from even if even if you're like the store is right next to your house i mean if i like if i mean there's so many variables if i live in the neighborhood if like we're neighbors and it's right here sure i would i would do that one time or i would be like but you wasn't ashamed when you were sucking that dick you went to go get you some plan b bitch no i'm just kidding i just wasn't sucking no dick and i think i might be pregnant well you started off you start you turn it off and then you you end it uh okay sydney sure uh here's another one for you janet janet uh janet uh will you strap up and peg me please no no i will not i can't believe you did that dude you are a rockstar okay janet something

one more one more uh you've been dating a dude uh his his dad dies he doesn't have money to go to the funeral he needs to borrow like three hundred dollars to go to the funeral would you give him the money how wait is this like something that happened how long have we been together six months six months six months i would am i invited do you know no no i feel like if well that's the thing if we're close enough that i'm going with sure maybe i'd like we're getting so that means you gotta pay for your ticket and his ticket to the funeral yeah trying to curl this is a dad you ain't never met either all right again to me it's like the the answer for like there's no blanket yes or no it's like yes there is he's dead he's

gone face time the body yeah y'all don't need my help with bitchiness you guys are one more thing one more thing um janet uh obviously you're with this guy you like him he likes you you don't want to have sex tonight but y'all were already starting it up you know but then you were like you know what i'm not feeling it tonight it's like i have gotten much better at shutting that shit down oh what's your go-to line for that yeah i don't want to have sex right now that's my line i'm just like very straightforward i'm like i'm sorry i want to go to bed and he's like it's already out the button fly his dick is already on your back yeah i'll like be like you can jerk off on me or something if you want but i'm gonna go don't do that

no you can't jerk off go in the bathroom and handle yours because i don't even want to be nowhere near it i just changed these sheets have some respect there is a cat in this room go out on the ledge and jerk off on the ledge go on the terrace we got money now just jerk off on the terrace um okay here's my last one for you and we keep saying last one but i know this is so funny i keep thinking of more i can't stop laughing uh you're you're with a guy let's say you guys are together for a year and a half okay okay things are good uh it's pretty serious you've met his parents he's met your parents um and he's like for my birthday this year i want to have a threesome yes or no

that's i don't know that's hard because like it's for me again it's not a blanket i would say yes but if it was less serious i think if i was like i want to marry somebody i feel like i'd be too jealous oh but i'm not opposed the idea entirely but i think it would have to be more of like oh we're just like hanging out somebody seriously asked me like with both their eyes open can we have a threesome and we serious we breaking up no no you know why i feel like married couples do it Okay, we've probably been together for a minute and I'm tired of looking at you, sure. But if I'm still in love with you

and I have fun with you, we're just one-on-one, why would I want another bitch in the mix? But what if you wanted to be a dude? Why would I want somebody to run a train on me? How many dudes do you need to have a train? I think at least three. I think two.

Three? I feel like more than one dick is a train. I don't know. I think you need three cars for it to be a train. What if it's a trolley? uh janet i feel like you answered all the uh hypothetical questions that i have janet you're definitely not a bitch you're not a bitch well i'm sorry i came here under false pretenses you're just a white woman that's it yeah that's that is all a woman who knows her worth exactly that's

beautiful i mean sometimes sometimes you're over evaluating yourself janet please plug all your things right now what's your instagram you can catch all my selfies on instagram at janet underscore hide and you'd be killing it too oh thank you and you don't play no games with the banks so i love it like a winged liner or like a cat eye yeah and you're in the sun and it's glistening and there's some trees in the background coming from you too it's that's you're doing much better job than i am so i take it yeah i really appreciate if marie like anything wow i mean listen you know how hard it is to get this bitch to like something if i accidentally like something i will take my leg back she will i've done that i've done that i've done that

city you don't be taking no likes back no i keep wow i believe that you're too sweet yeah they need it come on she got a whole ass out she only got 12 likes janet underscore hide hyde yes and when does the podcast the podcast is going to be coming out end of the summer okay and it's called dude talks to a lady dude and then what about your monthly my monthly show i run it with marysella she's great yes we have her tip top bar and grill in bedside on franklin it's the first thursday of the month and they got great chicken wings yes there's free food it's free food yeah i've been there i've never gotten any food it's off to the side you gotta look for it yeah i mean there's somebody's mother guarding the food like it's

fucking thanksgiving but it's great like look at my face hot dogs and cheese cubes and cheese i love it it's great oh yes deviled egg yeah it's delicious i love wonderful yeah so first thursday is 8 30 okay um if you can leave us with anything before we go about uh your expertise or what plugging saying no pegging dudes anything oh man on today i'm gonna regret having this be my like label i don't want to be the pegging expert uh most of the comics we know don't even listen to this it's not that we don't yeah the ones that i get in trouble with yes it's all people that are not comedians um i would say just don't be afraid like so what if somebody thinks you're a bitch like that's not gonna hurt you i mean it doesn't hurt me didn't alana morissette

said it best i'm a bitch no that was not alana's morissette that was a rip-off uh sorry i got i just got the most embarrassingly white girl yeah that was that was that was yeah no it wasn't alanis morissette that was like a knockoff of what is morissette she's i forget what her name was meredith something rather than alanis morissette no no alanis morissette is you ought to know like we have to we're not gonna sing it before we wow that's a good one okay you don't even know what you're talking about all right and you could catch us on instagram unofficial expert yes please like and make comments i love all the little comments y'all leave for us oh we're so beautiful and funny and great i feel like i'm talking to my

best friends yes yes yes thank you but write some more stuff and especially on itunes say that we're amazing review us review us review us give us five stars like it's uber and um leave more comments yeah we're here for that uh i it's unofficial expert on it what i'm saying itunes no that's what it is instagram on instagram we need to do a twitter too we do but i don't really tweet like that yeah twitter you know typing is dim when we get an intern i want www.twitter.com shut up bitch and uh we mentioned my radio show today it's uh every thursday from 7 to 8 p.m on 99.5 fm or wbai.org yes ma'am okay thank you i feel like we're done yes thank you janet thank you Oh, God.