MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Boarding School Expert" with Claire Parker

Episode Date: September 22, 2017

Sydnee and Marie talk with Claire Parker about boarding school.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello. Hi guys. Welcome to the Unofficial Expert Podcast with Marie and Sydney. Hey boo. With Marie and Sydney. What's going on? Sydney, I'm having an interesting day. I'm learning a lot about people that I thought that I knew. When you think you know, you have no idea. have no idea i mean they walk amongst us but you have no idea walk amongst us sydney how are you doing how is sheeps amongst the wolves that's what they are i think it's wolves amongst sheep is it it's wolves in sheep's clothing no one is cared of it's afraid of a sheep between a bunch of girls so you having a bad day i'm having a great day wow it's so great about your day today uh did you ride your bike did you exercise did you eat well i actually took a couple

days off from the gym you know a couple days a couple i had to take a couple because you know what the problem is is that i was going too hard i'm i have an addictive personality so i was going to the gym every day um and then a dude was like yeah i need to take a break and i was like what what happened yeah if you work out six days though one day should be for rest but you weren't working out seven days a week in the beginning i was trying to work out almost every day and i had a buddy and he was like yeah you can't work out every day and i would do leg day and then ride my bike like over the williamsburg bridge going and coming back like it's gonna be wild you wild no i was just obsessed and now i'm like taking a couple breaks you know it's okay i'll still have

abs by december i'm good okay yeah the christmas abs is still gonna be okay yes i'm wearing a crappa tappa to christmas dinner a crappa tappa a crappa tappa craptop raindrop what about you marie uh i'm having a good day i got up today dragged my ass to the gym and uh uh didn't want to talk to anybody um so i just you know had the headphones in i feel like i need to get some wireless headphones because i have to take my janky headphones out so i could like put my phone on the ground but if i had the wireless ones you know some beats by dre's uh this is uh for everybody who's listening to this right now because it's about to be marie's birthday so you better you better start a gofundme for some beats by dre wireless you don't even need

to go for me you just need to put it out in the universe and be like yo it's about to be my birthday if you want to give me a gift that's what i've been an expert in recently though is like putting stuff out into the universe and then it's coming back to me yeah it's like i'm getting what i'm saying that i'm gonna get which is wild for me because i'm such a pessimist like i always assume the worst right like i'm always in your head though i don't i don't hear this negative no if i if an opportunity would prevent present itself i would be like yeah that has me to do it but it's probably not gonna happen like that's the type of person i am i'm not somebody who's like nothing in my life is going well you know i'm not like our friend who we just talked about

uh i'm not a sad let me tell you what happened to my mom let me tell you what happened to my sister i'm not that i'm like people in my business damn marie you sure know how to tell it thank you so much ain't telling you she thank you so much i mean i didn't i don't name names you know on the podcast that's gonna be a new podcast not naming names but and then every every episode is like a super messy oh mad gossipy but we won't name the names and then you can just uh add us and try to figure out who they are. I'm like, rhymes with Midney, Washington. But I'm not going to tell you the name,

but it rhymes with Midney. It's a city in Australia. Rhymes with Evan Iso. Evan Iso? I mean, you didn't even... Iso is the last name. Yes, because I'm silly, you know. Anyway, so yeah, I'm just trying to be...

You know what, Sydney, what were you an expert in this week? Let's talk about that. I was an expert in, you know, killing it on stage. i've been having like uh no bad shows yeah i've been having really good shows i've been uh you know silently killing it just so silent but deadly like a fart yeah doing what i do you know i've i've been on a couple like really good shows recently and uh a lot of bad comedy shows so

many and then i get up there and i do my thing and i walk out i'm like you know thank you thank you and then a couple days later somebody will see me in the street and they're like oh i saw at union hall you were so funny i'm like oh thank you or like somebody will tweet me and be like you know what i just want to tell you that that bit blah blah blah and i was like i don't need you to tell me your jokes changed my life i don't need you to you know break it down just laugh and then uh follow me on instagram and then like all my shit you know what i'm saying that's what i really want if you could do something for me at a comedy show you can laugh uh you can give me money or you can follow me on instagram follow me follow the unofficial expert follow marie just

follow all of those things yeah yeah yeah follow our crap i'm here for all of that and then show up just show up to whatever i'm doing that's what you want yeah that's whenever i get on stage i want to be funny enough that somebody wants to see me again and they'll contact me whenever i get on stage i want to be funny enough but also look so stunning that somebody listening is like you know what my boy plays for the patriot whatever team uh he needs a queen like this on his arm let me call ray like that's okay okay well you're you're putting that on the universe and i really feel like it's gonna happen listen everybody listening to the podcast right now he's invited to the wedding i really feel like it's gonna happen 2018 is gonna be the year y'all y'all don't even know

what's going going on right now listen you guys need to enjoy the podcast while we have it because when i'm rich and famous okay i'm not gonna have people in my house just sitting on a couch talking about experts and dumb girl we're gonna have a studio what are you talking about we're gonna have a real studio we're gonna be traveling i mean people are gonna try to take pictures of we're gonna have paparazzi we're gonna be on boats just wearing like multi-colored like uh bathing suits that somebody sent us yes yes yes thank you oh we won't be paying for bathing suits bathing suits exactly we won't be paying for trips we'll just be there we'll be wearing like gold Balmain bathing suits

that weigh 12 pounds. They're like, hey, my daughter's having a birthday party. We just want you guys to show up. Here's a hundred grand. Yes, thank you.

Exactly. And then we're all going to be DJs because when you're famous and you ain't got no skills, you're a DJ. I don't think Mariah Carey was a DJ for a long time.

Anyway, whatever. Let's not talk about that. Sydney, I feel like I'm ready to talk to this guest. I feel so too. Are you ready? Speaking of DJs,

this guest has nothing to do with music, but she's a comedian and we really like her. Super talented. And in the half hour that she's been here, I've really learned to, like, truly enjoy her presence. I feel like you guys are a little bit similar in certain things. Not all the way, though.

The stuff that I've heard, I'm like, I would never say that. I would never. But I love the messiness, and I'm here for all of it. She's a comic here in New York, and she is our boarding school expert. Give it up for Claire Parker. Thank you guys so much. I'm so happy to be here. Claire, don't be trying to act all demure.

you were in here just being real messy but you know what i see your face and i don't see you being a messy person but i i'm feeling the vibes no honestly i've dedicated my whole life to not looking messy i'm like i want to look as clean as possible on the outside and i keep my room spotless my bed is always made that way nobody would ever suspect what's going on do you tuck the sheets in of the bed like do you like i just pull the covers on top and like the oh yeah i do the whole thing you do the top sheet the bottom sheet oh throw pillows so you listen you one of those girls that you find your dead body and somebody's like well she was prostituting like she would never her room was clean she would never my roommate works for the

new york post and i have my photos like picked out should i be like murdered while i'm getting while i'm jogging or something i have an entire persona that i'm going to project to the world they will be looking for my body for the rest for the rest of time they'll be like be the new natalie holloway exactly because i worked as a preschool teacher so i have like pictures of me like with children i'm like put this out there back when i was very blonde very ivanka like ivanka with the children they're gonna be searching for me girl you're gonna have to delete those crop top videos those crop top tutorials bitch i have a slutty instagram i could hide but the new york post they're gonna have all the preschool pictures nice she's ready we need to start doing that

yeah we need to stop but we don't even take pictures that are like crazy i mean i did take some nudes recently oh where'd they go birthday nudes where'd they go i haven't i'm waiting for the proofs i mean i got the proofs oh you got like official professional what you thought she was laid out on some like carpet just like i've taken some pretty impressive just like reached back i'm taking taking shots of my butt where i've showed people and they'd be like how did you get that angle and i'm like i've got long hands long fingers i could you got the selfie stick hands exactly yeah so blair blair claire claire shoot claire well i mean that's how white you are dude you should be a blair um my high school was called blair i went to blair academy

so like so where are you from where's blair academy i'm from new jersey and blair academy is also in new jersey so it's like a prestigious boarding no i was it was like a b-tiered boarding school they're doing their best they're working as hard as they can to get their reputation better but like when i went as a freshman they were like in a transition from they had used to be like it was like a second chance school for like rich kids that got kicked out of like new york city private schools and their parents were like well we don't want you here where can you go and they would send them down to this school and so when i went they were trying to get like better students in but so when i was a freshman there was like a real mix of just some like coked out rich kids

and then like people studying for bio class constantly it was like but like boarding schools for rich kids though right like it's not like poor people don't go to rich kids that are like not doing that well um so it's like an alternative yeah like they're not doing that well like they're they're fucking up they're doing drugs they're uh people who just they don't listen that sounds like a cool high school though that's some gossip girl realness yeah i mean it was like it was like a mix so it wasn't like it wasn't like prison school it wasn't like military school but it definitely there's like schools like andover and groton and like chote that are really hard to get into and they're like funnels for idly schools chote chote it sounds like a cheese no chote

sounds like a chode right yeah i'm like chote i don't know damn i didn't name it but yeah yeah but it's so crazy because you said you're from new jersey but you're giving me like greenwich connecticut vibes well that was the boarding school that was that's what they taught you to do there you had to wear a collared shirt every day they had like preppy dress code and it was like look like a baby Gwyneth Paltrow right now like that's what you're getting but like your face has more like uh like life in it your face you're like not after the Botox give me like a couple years I'm gonna stop that I'm gonna shut down that life immediately you look like skinny happy cute Misha Barton like that's what you're giving me oh my god Misha she was in oh my god

I always think about Misha because she is such a good reminder that you can't get too big for your britches like she was icarus she flew too close to the sun and like look how disgusting she is now yeah i think she's a dog walker professionally i don't think she was cute to begin with though like at least she was skinny and rich and now she's just bloated yeah well she always had them hips so i was like yo don't let don't let it get too bad sis you can't have one baby that's a good that's a one baby body that is wild dude okay so now talk about this boarding school situation your parents were like claire we don't want you in our house go spend all of our money at this place well it was like when i was little i had always wanted to go to

boarding school because like i thought you would go to like switzerland and get like a horse and like meet a prince and it would be incredible somehow i ended up in new jersey it was similar but very we got there and i thought i'd have all this freedom and be like oh my parents are gone i could do whatever i want it was so strict because like when you have 400 high schoolers in the woods like there have to be rules in the woods this is some what was that sarah michelle geller ryan phillip what was that movie i know what you did last summer no oh a cruel intention well they were all home they were in new york city yep but that's what it sounds like you went to school with people like that just like sickos how much was it up how much was it yeah for the

year i think i think it changed i think it was between like 35 and 40 000 are you kidding me poor high school was there financial aid yeah yeah yeah yeah there was like we didn't there was financial aid and there was like uh scholarships and there was like damn they had a year dude yo and then claire you went to college you went to college no that was it they were like that's you've topped out yeah and then you became a comedian what a way i'm a temp so literally oh my god my dad is he's reached his limit no but he's still nice because he comes to your comedy shows i feel like if i spent 30 grand for you just in high school and you became a comedian we would i wouldn't even well he's strange the comedian but he's like you're not working hard

enough he's like where are the blog posts and he'll send me screenshots of tweets and been like you should be working harder on this oh he'll send you oh he wants to be like this tweet isn't a good tweet oh dad be critiquing your tweets you need to put more time into these tweets and crafting them you don't get it dad what he's right i've got no followers i should be putting more time into those tweets what's your dad's name jerry jerry jerry parker is not here for you at no but he's cool he's one of the cool dads because after she did her show and your dad was like he's trying to buy me a drink he's trying to buy everybody he's like you were so good let me get you a drink i'm like dad i was like claire i'm about to be your stepmom

he follows he has a twitter and he only follows like me and then comics he's seen on my shows so he has a whole twitter and it's like he follows me he follows you he follows asama sadiki of course he does like that's it like those that's his entire i already love chair chair hey chair he's great um okay so school is like 35 a year you go there for all four years when you get there do you know anybody at this boarding school no i didn't know anybody you had it but i mean you get to know people you live with them i had roommates and stuff so how was your room set up what's the oh my god so like freshman year you go in and it's like you're sharing four showers with like 40 girls i shared a jail yeah it was and then it's like you get a

room and it's like you have a bed on top of a desk and the desk is the size of a bed and that's not nobody wants a bed size desk that's too big and so it's like a lofted bed and there's two people per room and like that's it you get like a bureau so it's like college yeah so wait you're doing college twice oh that's annoying yeah i went i was 13 years old when i went that's so much i can't Mm-mm. And you're there, like, all year round? No, we were there. We got a ton of vacation because we went to school on Saturday.

I had Saturday classes. What? Yeah, so we went to school. Saturday and you're 13? Fuck all the way out of here. Yeah, but you're also in boarding school. Yeah, and there was nothing else to do. Right.

In the woods, yeah, definitely. You could go cow tipping, I guess. But you're like, I'd rather just be in class. Because then we got, like, three weeks for spring break. We got, like, four months for summer. Four months for summer? That's pretty damn good. You were earning it.

Yeah. And we had a lot of international kids. So, like, they had to be able to go home. Like, people don't realize this, but there's this huge group of Koreans that go to American boarding schools. So, like, every boarding school in America has, like, 20 kids from Korea.

Why is that? I don't know. They just love it here, I guess. Do they speak English? Yeah, but they do when they leave. We have, like, a Korean mafia, and, like, you don't fuck with them. And they all have, like, the most money

because they're, like, flying in from Korea. So, like, they just sit by themselves at lunch. They only speak Korean with themselves. and it's like they we had a korean king every year and it was like the oldest korean man wait what it was like it was a mafia it was like you don't fuck with them wait a korea okay you know what we'll put a pin in that korea king so yeah so you have so do you don't get to pick your roommates they just put you with whoever your freshman year you don't get to pick but then later you do so did you like your roommate freshman year yeah i loved she didn't like

living with me at the time i was a little messy i was like one of those people who'd be like but it doesn't cross the line into your side like shit would be like stacked i'm pretty neat now but at the time i was i was disgusting i like i spilled milk once i cleaned it up with like a face cloth and then i just left the face cloth there and weeks later she's like something is rancid and i was like no it's not and then i was like oh shit claire claire you gross i was 13 i didn't know so wait where was your roommate from she was from like outside of dc was she was she really wealthy or like like a diplomat's daughter or something like that she was yeah she was she was doing good she was okay from right outside of dc she had some coins now what can you talk about

the poor kids at the boarding school like was there such thing as yeah yeah i mean we had like a top basketball team so what the fuck is that supposed to be claire don't you be getting comfortable with us now no oliver i think the basketball team like we'd have sports scholarships for the basketball team the wrestling team so you're saying the sports the basketball team was black and the wrestling team did you hear what she said she said that it was a she had they had a top basketball team what white top basketball team of rich kids do you know so they bought all the black kids from the hood uh but they only had white i guess wrestlers i don't know where like good wrestlers come from like russia i don't know so those probably i'm like i don't know like

duluth i don't even know where duluth is but somewhere like shitty somewhere where some mother's like i want my four-year-old to fight another four-year-old wherever that's happening that sounds like mississippi wherever hulk hogan is from so the basketball team was good that so it was like cute black dudes at your school or tall black dudes at your school i guess you know there's a lot they were all different were there non-black scholarship kids there yeah there was yeah and who were they uh tyler mcneil okay let me look tyler mcneil is he white what no he's he sounds black tyler mcneil sound like neil is black neil is black yes no he was black yes sydney damn i asked did y'all date no okay it looks like you would date a black dude though

i would but i had one boyfriend for all of i had one boyfriend for the full four years so wait you didn't even try who are you dating jesse shaneman do you know him no we're gonna have to bleep these names out you're doing real bad he's like in iraq or something he's not listening wow is he doing bad he's a seal he's a navy seal so i don't think they have podcasts in the military i don't i found a tyler oh mclean you said mclean mcneil mcneil hold on n-e-i-l okay so wait tell us about the dating in boarding school um it was outlandish because it was like you're all stuck in because they had all these rules like you couldn't be alone with the opposite gender in your room there was like two hours on sunday that they could come over but you had to leave the door open

so people snuck around like we had a giant campus we had a golf course on our campus and like people would go out to the seventh hole to fuck like the squash courts the library basement like you had to get so creative about where you were going to have sex but there was i mean there were so many buildings there was an entire art center people find a way to find a tap dancing studio you know i mean there was a black room for a photography i was like wait black room i was like claire you are glad it was a black room for tyler mcneil i was like we're gonna kick you out soon no for photography or a dark room a dark dark room it's not called a black room claire get the f out you gotta go that's where the basketball team hung out uh so where's the craziest place

you ever hooked up with somebody at the school oh gosh um the squash room no you know i there was like classrooms at the bottom of the library and in those class like they were like computer labs and nobody ever was like there i guess i could see that but like at like 10 a.m on like a tuesday you know what i mean it was like during free period or something like okay so wait you you were with the same person the whole time in boarding school and he was a day student so he actually lived a few a few miles away so we could just go to his house i never a student yeah so there was people that would just come in for the day like they didn't stay there yeah so those were really poor people those were the kids whose parents they couldn't afford their parents were

teachers at the school there was like a there was like a divide between the day students the because also they had like their own hangout and so they would hang out with themselves and like the boarding school kids like they were all there all night so like they had their own friends there was like a yeah yeah no definitely a divide but wait so you dated him for four years who is this guy what was going on why for four years girl you didn't see nobody else that you were like i mean i would have like my lifeboats you know what i mean like when we'd be fighting i'd have like somebody on backup like okay so let's talk about these lifeboats who are some somebody's side dicks side penis there are just people who i guess thought we might break up soon

and so like they'd be the ones that would be like oh i'm so sad like there's always somebody waiting in the wing exactly and i'd be like i'd date him for like a week and then be like oh sorry bye we're getting back together but you didn't have sex with them though no no no okay because there's this um uh misconception that people in boarding school are hoes oh my god they were i wasn't i'm such i don't believe you claire i don't believe it for a freaking second you were banging them lifeboats and you were banging your four-year boyfriend i wasn't because i was like in my mind i was like oh my god i could never have sex with somebody else like so i always like that was like my thing like he would have been pissed if we had broken up and i you mean he would hit you okay great got it

we know how rich white men do he had guys who have varsity jackets yeah they definitely beat their girlfriend so yeah i still remember the titans he's gary brottier brottier okay so you weren't a hoe um did you did you have friends that were oh my god we had an orgy problem we had a pro like it got so bad on it there were so many orgies happening that like the headmaster had to come out and have a school-wide meeting and be like please you guys just like one at a time wait you've got to stop having group sex your children wait talk to us about this yeah well did you know that there was an orgy oh my god well the first orgy was gbo7 that was like the famous orgy of my freshman year gangbang

wait a damn minute gbo7 okay so that was your freshman year got it so how does how do people get the word okay i don't even i guess the problem how do you get invited yeah i wasn't i wasn't invited but i guess the thing is it's like we're all stuck there and it's like you're not allowed to have sex or relationship in like normal healthy ways like you can't just like with your boyfriend like go hang out late at night so it's like people would sneak to each other's dorms and i guess you would bring a buddy and like and then it would you be like i mean you're sharing rooms so i mean if you're bringing a friend and you're meeting up with this guy and his roommates there i guess naturally you would all have sex but uh this one is it a orgy or a gangbang there's a difference

orgy is like no it's the same about it call it gb because i'm assuming it was males and females gangbang is one girl getting yes we know what a gangbang is well she said that that's what they i didn't name it i mean that wasn't my name that was just the t-shirts that got made up after there's a fucking t-shirt because the girl who got it was like two girls and four guys and one of the guys was actually rick flair's son i'm googling him right now so much tea oh don't go it's he like died from heroin later a few years later but i know i know so don't google it's not i mean i'm now really you're the one who's spreading the business bitch well i mean i'm just i wouldn't name him if he was still out there

okay so there would be orgies you never got invited no no did you ever feel like slighted a little bit like how come you know i had my boyfriend was like kind of like a scary dude he was like like a tough looking dude so i think people were like he looked like he hit you yeah got it he did give off that vibe i mean he didn't but he gave off the vibe so okay wait did you have friends that would tell you about the orgies though oh yeah and like you would just hear about it like everybody would go to someone's house for the weekend and then come back and like i know people are always hooking up with people's moms i mean wait a minute okay now now we're getting into crazy territory i mean teachers would help cook up with students it was just like you

can't throw people into the middle of nowhere and think nothing's gonna happen people i'm sorry it's kind of like alaska we're like exactly where you're just like anything goes like any hole any dick that's you it's kind of like many holes yeah you just gotta fuck your fuck your brother and sister yeah oh i found reed flair yeah oh you're gonna put his name out there i mean she said his name wait let me see i'm sorry you guys were like no names and then i came out i was like let me list every name we never said no names i don't say any names we don't say names i don't know i have no morals um okay so every bridge to burn so wait let's go back to this first orgy so how so what how did this go down what happened because i think the

girls snuck over late at night and there was one girl named jackie bauer which is girl you listen sydney shut up let her name these names it's important because then eiffel towering in our school got renamed the bauer tower and the incredible thing about jackie bauer was that she had like one little arm so when you think about her on all fours but really only on all threes getting just like railed both sides like how'd she stay up you know she was a top heavy girl that's a lot of balance no she just that's a plank tower tower determined to stay up on them three little pigs listen i am just floored by everything listen don't don't look don't look at sydney when you're telling

and then i feel like there was two other guys with this other girl and then but then like the crown jewel whereas there was this guy named bum sue who was from korea he was korean and like for somehow he was 21 years old but still at this boarding school wait how did he stay he was a teaching assistant no no no he was a student it was like they had a pg year which means you could do a fifth year of high school he had already been held back a year and he was like old because he was from another country so he was like legit 21 years old and he was just in the corner and when the teachers walked in he was in the corner just jerking off to the whole thing what so the teachers walked into the oh my god just covered oh it was oh my and what did the teacher say did they want

to get in or like they were like i guess they were like break it up i don't know break it up how do you break up an orgy wait so this they were all freshmen so this was they were they were seniors okay so they're okay so that's fine yeah they were all probably freshmen i would feel a little weird right i mean bum suit was just going ham he's like nobody wants to fuck an asian dude so i just gotta jerk off by myself i feel like it's like a perfect name for it just like bum suing it in the corner that sounds like exactly what it is just jerking off by yourself watching an orgy i'm just bum stealing do you talk about this on stage this is hilarious oh my god this is so you're going to be the wendy williams of white women i see it coming i'm here keep naming names

so after that orgy happened the word came out and people were like oh we could have orgies here i think they'd always been having orgies you know when you're in the woods and you're with your friends and you're just like looking for something to do i don't want to fuck my friends the activities they gave us for like to kill time over the weekend they'd be like come to the cafeteria and see how many oreos you could stack and people were like what else and like what else was like lots of anal i don't know yeah there were definitely butt stuff going on oh so much i mean everybody i feel like so people were like i want to be a virgin for when i get married let's do it in my butt people were like oh we had a couple of those

girls it was like virgin girls but i mean also they just had girls like we need more space you know what i mean we need more space yo the crazy thing is is that if i'm a parent and i'm spending 30 grand a fucking year for you to do have an orgy like you don't have the right to have that much fun my mom always says she's like yeah when i heard about that orgy i should have pulled you out of there oh the parents found out of course they did if you wouldn't tell your mom oh no you told your mom the school didn't tell exactly i'm saying the school wouldn't release a letter saying it's people doing orgies and stuff i mean those kids got in trouble because they weren't supposed to be in the opposite sex's dorm like yeah but but rick flair handled that he was

like my son is rich uh was there any like uh same sex was a little gay stuff yeah you know when i was there one of the big um one of the big things was that one of the juniors started dating a teacher and they lived in the same dorm and they were she was like also her squash coach or something and it was so crazy because i mean she was 16 years old and the teacher was like 25 so that's pretty gross and she was her teacher the woman the teacher had to leave school under like mysterious circumstances a week before graduation she was never heard from again a year later the student graduated and they came out on facebook as like a couple and people were like oh my god that's why she's unbelievable and then the girl goes this is like anti-lgbt like you guys are

being homophobic and people are like no no it was like we're kind of upset about but there i mean it's been five years and they're still together so god bless i guess they found love in that hopeless place is love and if you you know take the time the person will eventually grow nobody's 15 forever turn 18 that's crazy it was the squash coach cute though yeah yeah and i mean i guess like when you're 16 i feel like everybody who's older seems cute you know no yeah no yeah i can see that do you know yeah and so you're like if you weren't out of the closet and you were 16 and this like older nice woman was being i don't know i feel like this sounds like she could look like anything this sounds like an episode of lord order svu that i did not enjoy

so wait claire you didn't get involved with anything you could you didn't kiss a girl like i feel like that's the time that you experiment claire did you you didn't do the try the bauer tower no i didn't get on a tower i uh i know you know i had my one boyfriend and he lives like down the road so i feel like i had like my escape down the road that don't even sound appetizing yeah i'm go get this dick down the road no thank you down the road i used to sneak out and go to his house in the middle of the night and like i remember one time i was a senior and the the like window and the bathroom was broken and the teachers came to me and they're like we think you've been sneaking out of the window and i was so upset i was like up in arms i was like how dare you accuse

me of sneaking out the window like i was irate i called people like i was like so upset i had been sneaking out the front door but for some reason to me i was like you are accusing me of this thing i would never do like i would never shimmy down a wall i would never like claire's like my dumb body through walk right at i really was i would just like straight out the door if you do it with confidence nobody will stop you of course and my roommate would cover for me she would put pillows under my like oh they would do like room checks oh yeah yeah before bed too because yeah you gotta you can't have children or minors and my roommate asia bryant shout out to asia she would be like oh yeah asia bryant sounds black are y'all still

friends yeah i just thought she was oh you can't talk about her okay yeah yeah she was great she was my roommate for three years i loved her so much where is she you got a picture of her no we don't have a picture we were just talking about her oh yeah cindy's sorry okay so i feel like we covered all the sex what about drugs because i feel like that's a heavy thing i feel like there was a lot of drugs i didn't i didn't do drugs you were excluding yourself from a lot of shit claire you didn't do drugs and you didn't have towers and you weren't banging life and you weren't doing anal get the fuck out of here what kind of white stacking in the cafeteria i was like that does sound clear what the hell were you doing i just had my one boyfriend i just had my one

boyfriend i was like i mean i had sex so young i was like but i was like then i was like okay this is tell us about your drugs get into it yeah get tell tell us about the drugs nobody i mean to this day nobody ever invites me to do drugs i don't i feel like i don't give up because you talk too damn much you talk too damn that's what a narky vibe claire you be you know where the pills are come on sis yeah i mean i feel like they did i mean yeah i feel like people were doing a lot of cocaine but like it was so that's so accessible yeah everybody does that i feel like people were stealing drug uh painkillers i think that was a big thing what kind of pain you having in fucking you're 16 people would get like injured doing sports and stuff and they would have painkillers

i don't know you buy painkillers right i don't know i don't know we don't know about that we're black women we don't buy pills it's a percocet i didn't know about that i'm so fucking future talked about it don't talk to us about pills i don't know nobody was inviting me to do like wild stuff yo when i was in college it was freaking i didn't even know that you could drink cough syrup and get high from it that's what people were doing on my floor that's what they were people used to do that all the time and i remember being like that's lame but i didn't know that because i was like yo we are really getting real colds out here and you're using this for that And now you have to use an ID to buy Robitussin, and it's like, they did that to you.

Like, that's what people were doing. They were, like, going out of the, the girl would throw up in the bathroom every weekend because of so much scissor. So much. And then we had a drug dealer on the floor. He was selling, I guess, heroin, which I was like, who is doing, who is doing that? We are here in Worcester, Massachusetts. Who is coming all the way here to do heroin?

That's where it is, right? Random town in Massachusetts. Yes, it is. That's like the heroin capital. But it's like the worst kind. It's not the good kind. What's the good kind, Sid? Break down heroin for us.

The Lower East Side. They get the best heroin. That's what I heard. I feel like that's bad heroin. No, I heard it's good. I feel like it's dusty Lower East Side heroin. I want like farm to table out in Massachusetts heroin. I want organic heroin.

Organic heroin. I want grass fed heroin. Yeah, but that's what happened to my roommate's best friend. She didn't do no drugs, came to college, was experimenting with everything. she got into heroin and i guess she was doing it with her boyfriend and yeah and od'd in his arms right and then he had to like report it claire said that's romantic you so white it's like romeo and juliet but you know with crack there's some straight anglo-saxon romance right there like what's wrong with you girl fabio novel come on sis come on yeah and

So she died, and I walked in when she was on the floor in the hallway, and all the EMTs were walking by. One of the guys walking, he's like, it ain't good. It ain't good. It's real bad. And I said, wow, he's not coy about this at all. And so she was on the floor, and they rolled her out, and then everybody came back, and they're like, yeah, Michelle is dead.

Michelle is dead, yeah. That sounds like a Michelle thing. That sounds like something, you know what I mean? She was doomed. her boyfriend got expelled and they probably od'd also no he didn't he didn't he got clean he got moved back to texas so but they her parents sued him i was like i don't even know you could even sue on some shit like that somebody's a drug partner yeah like he paid for half the drugs you know who did that like carolyn kennedy's parents did that when she died in that plane

crash like the kennedy plane crash her parents sued him even though he was already dead because he was he was drunk driving the plane oh he was flying drunk is that why the plane went down yeah and i think there was a storm like they shouldn't it was like they shouldn't have been up there because but like he made bad calls because he was drunk and so i think they did it kind of like to find some just like they just wanted to do it not for they were like the kennedys got money no it was for the money they're like our daughter's dead we want the money why not but also he's drunk driving a plane and she got in the plane with him right yeah please or maybe she didn't know he was drunk there's not enough they were like in martha's vineyard they were probably both drunk

i need more posters out there being like don't fly drunk you know how you get it he's been drinking don't get in his plane yeah that's what they you talk about getting in a car what about a fucking plane like how confident is you that you're like yeah you got this honestly if you show me a plane i'd get in so i don't care what you've been doing he was at a wine mixer and now he's just flying a pain like that's not happening it would take a lot for me to be uninterested in a guy with a plan listen i don't even want to get in the if i'm if i'm a certain level of drunk i don't even want to sit in the front seat just shotgun like i'm sitting in the back with my like one eye open just like making sure that we don't die even like and i'm not getting in a car

with somebody who's drinking ever yeah that's not that's no good but wait has any of that happened at boarding school like people died uh drunk driving you know the years when i was there they were really like trying to change like their reputations but like the year before i was there people i heard about people dying from heroin they were like but it was like it used to be outrageous it was like people would fly in for the week and like fly back to new york city and like it was just like people with like a ton of money and their parents were like well we need them to go to high school so like who will take them this is the only way to new jersey from new york and then leave they would take a helicopter to the damn boarding school yeah that kid didn't

farewell he also died i mean but do you think that's that's the problem with uh like rich parents they just want to like deal with it just take care of it yeah i feel like if you can pay to take care of the problem then you will you know what i mean so just keep pushing them along so i feel like that's something that like people like when i watch like movies and shows about people who are like really rich they always have all of these problems like the dude can't get his dick up because he's on all these drugs or you know like the the girls are like well i guess we'll just do anal with these strangers because like i can't feel anything also like you're just rich and bored or i'll just like throw up my food because you know i have a like unlimited bank

account like it's crazy i'm like and what's like the unlimited bank account you could just buy more food you're like there's too many foods to try i can afford all the takeout you buy a brand new throat basically what we had oh we had tons of bulimia problems and it was fucking disgusting because we shared bathrooms so you would walk in and like somebody would be like clogging the toilet with their puke and you would just be like it was we had people sent home constantly to go to like uh eating disorder rehab because the other thing is so at boarding school you're required to play sports so i played two sports everybody had to play sports what was your sport i did soccer and track and then in the winter i did like winter track and it was like so you six days a

week were working out two hours a day so everybody was in really good shape that's great yeah but there's always like three fatties who would come and like they would do yearbook or something instead of doing sports they all graduated with crippling eating disorders because like you can't be the only fat person in a school of 400 so like they all left like by the time they left they had figured out how to live on just beats and like freaking love they would go to the salad bar every day and just get beats and you'd be like okay i mean was that going like was there bullying was there of course i feel like everybody in the school every other person was a regina george yeah you know i always think there wasn't a popular group in my high school because like

every click hated every other click so much that it was just like you just there was a lot of hate you know what i mean but like i just think it was so even from everybody but also i've said that and people have been like that means you were the bully so yeah that might be clear cool kids nobody was mean and now that i talked to you i'm like claire you might have been claire was mean claire is deaf me claire talk to us about your click who was in your group let's go through who are your friends i would like bounce from click to click to click i mean that mean you couldn't stay you couldn't stick to one nobody liked that means you were the problem you hated everybody so i don't know it would depend on like my mood and you were creating creating the drama that's

what that means you know i just like i was like so obsessed with my boyfriend in high school i was so different than i am now i was like he was like i hung out with him every weekend i like talked to him all the time like i really i was like i'm very much a boyfriend girl yeah but you just you just got out of a relationship right you were i feel like you're like a monogamy yeah i'm like yeah yeah how long were you with your boyfriend your most recent boyfriend three and a half years see that's a long ass time three and a half years claire you're 24 and you've been in two relationships totaling seven and a half i think you need to take a break sis i know i am i am i'm gonna like pump the brain let it like be free get out there go out there and just do some

do some dating like get out there get some dinner go to per se like come on girl who's gonna pay none of them single somebody will let your hair down no i said let your hair down get it out of that messy bun and do you claire you got all them uh boarding school contacts what are they what are all those kids doing now they're not still rich some of them gotta still be alive yeah i have no idea where they are honestly i don't need to start friending people on facebook it's rekindling Where's Tyler McNeil? Did you find him? I couldn't find him.

We're going to... Do you really want Tyler McNeil? He was from Princeton. That's a nice town. Yeah, girl. What's wrong with you? He's probably like a... You're doing it all wrong.

Like a junior senator now. Come on, Claire. He had a lovely speaking voice. This is how these things work. It's like in boarding schools and these pretentious colleges, people become friends and then when they get out

in the real world, they stay friends and they help each other get jobs and stay in the wealth. why am i in a temp agency how do i fuck this up i don't know claire you're pretty that's why you pretty you don't realize what you're doing with your life so like get back out there girl my dad's gonna listen to this and be like i've been telling her that i've been telling her to get back in touch with all those people and get a job you have to listen jare you don't even know

how upset i am that this is not a live podcast i'm so we gotta have you back i would love to have you call in yeah i want to somehow bring your dad on stage so i feel like we're gonna have a live version of this and your dad's gonna get involved is that why you're not giving us the real tea because you know that your dad is listening to this i feel like yes okay we're gonna we've unlocked the code ho yeah listen we'll we'll wrap this up and get the real tea hey hey jerry we're gonna get down don't worry i'll let you know everything jerry we're gonna get down to the nitty-gritty of claire um okay so you go through four years of school senior year what is that like are y'all like is everybody trying to get into a good school yeah it was

really competitive and honestly like 20 people applied to columbia and i was the only one who got in and people wait what are you doing on this couch i don't know i don't know claire you went to columbia you're a comedian yeah where's that i'm a temp i'm a i'm like an aspirational temp i'm hoping this temp agency will pick me up claire you're doing bad columbia university you got a lot of nerve jerry i get it now i completely understand so wait you did four years in a boarding school then another four years in like one of the top schools on this coast claire this is coming to intervention oh we trying to change your life fix your white life with sydney and marie fix your white life that's the show right there that's copyrighted that's

copyrighted don't you dare nothing yo can we just do this can we just fix your white life coming in the fall on Broadway oh my god I see it I see us yo this is gonna be gold I put it in the universe

oh it's already gonna you know how many people are gonna get on okay wait hold on hold on so 20 people you could do me you could do my brother

what's your brother doing he need help too I can't even get into it I can't cause Jerry's listening oh my god cause he's listening and he'll

yeah wait did you your brother also went to boarding school he uh he went to like 12 weeks of boarding school and then he was like

this is for suckers so then he went to rehab And then he got kicked out, yeah. Dang. He's older or younger? Younger. He's 22. Are you the oldest of all your siblings?

But you're still the youngest. Like, you're 24. Yeah, so I'm like a baby. You're a baby. I mean, Claire, you're only like a little bit younger than me, but show up to me. How old are you? I'm 25. And, yeah, thank you so much.

So everyone applied to Columbia. You were the only one that got in. And people were, like, really pissed. Okay, but what... Because you were the Regina George. They were like, how the hell Regina George? Literally, yeah. how it works though the meanest person always gets what they want in the beginning and then

seven years later we see them underneath the bridge sucking dick for crap i still live in williamsburg okay it's not that bad yeah claire's doing well you're gonna be a dog walker soon don't lie oh my god oh my god they're also they're shutting down that l train in williamsburg what are you gonna do you won't get a bike you better get you a boyfriend that live on the lower east side yo if anybody's listening no you gotta send me a powerpoint and i'll consider it claire send us the powerpoint uh we'll review it as well we'll review i need them to look through it i need them to help me yeah fix your white life i need you to sign off on all my choices yo claire um i'm crying right now i feel like you deserve a man like in the

west village like you deserve not a not a lower east side you need like a man with like who got like the building but you went to columbia and you're doing this so no you deserve a lower east side dude who's skateboards oh no no no he has trail mix in his cargo shorts well then she deserves bushwick that's what you say that to me you still live near me girl i like you know my big thing is they have to be clean like i don't want them to look overly groomed i just want to look at them and be like i know you took a shower today claire what is your type let's walk there let's talk about it i feel like i have my type and then i feel like who i actually like we heard you talk about i was like girl we can do both we can do both what's your type like what's your

ideal do i like them just like very clean hygienic like that should start it sounds like you're it sounds like you're more than normal i like i like somebody who's like a little ocd yeah a little ocd i like i'm like just very uh presentable and then like i like conventionally handsome okay so who would play them in a movie you're giving me like a ryan gasling is what you're giving me right now like ryan guys i don't know i just like him i like like a confident but what does he look like what actor are you talking about here because you're saying bradley cooper i'm trying to you know who i have a crush on that's like my one okay okay this is uh like like a hemsworth like a hemsworthy of course claire everybody likes them they big and they sexy the hems thor

thor the dude who plays the word miley cyrus's fiance just they're like six foot six they got big bodies and they have like long blonde hair really that's not good enough for you no claire i could see you with miley's dude yeah that's what i like he's dating like the opposite of you which is like a dingy cyrus but like he deserves i could be dingy no you can't clear you i don't know where i colored shirt look claire i could actually see you with miley so i would say miley if she's listening come on out miley listen to the podcast hey miley uh so how is it in the dating world you know having this background and boarding school going to columbia i mean you're beautiful you're thin you're super thin you have a nice neck if you were how tall are you claire

i'm five seven if you were legit six inches taller you'd be a model yes you would you definitely would you're too short claire that's fine but you know what jerry she can steal yeah you could do fit modeling though what is that you just like let people you just try shit on yeah you just try and you can pay for that my friend has a friend that does it yeah and she gets coins i have two friends that do it you have three friends that do it you should get into it you should you got the great measurements for sure what's your measurements claire go ahead i don't know i think i have a weird body i have like i'm like very small on top tell us what the just go ahead i don't i've never like measured myself that's a damn lie claire you i'm thinking it's like a 30 24 34 or something

like that yeah she's like yeah i have a weird body shut up claire you're with two black women you better come together you got a great body you're great you better come together sydney you were really taking this fix your white life with sydney and marie yeah now back on claire is like a little skinny pear right yeah yeah that's fair that's not a weird body no it's great so yeah no but wait how's your dating life what's going i haven't you know i've been single for like an hour um legit an hour literally an hour we like it's like not even 100 official yet so like i've been i've been single for like less than two days like negative two days in two days i'll be single um okay so what's going on what happened i don't what i just like i need to focus

on comedy i feel like did you really just say that wow you need to focus on the fact that you have a diploma from freaking columbia and you need to get on that yeah i mean i should get i don't have a job so that's also like a problem but you're 24 so the thing is is that a lot of people at your age don't really have it together i know people who are 30 32 who don't have it together know people who are 32 and like sleep on their girlfriend's couch but yeah and they gay and it's like what are you doing with your life yeah i know people like that people who are yeah you know 32 year olds who got podcasts and come to my house and sit on my couch what anyway yo this is so specific that that can't even be me i know you're not talking about me it's crazy fix your haitian

life my haitian life actually is out here sitting um i'm doing really well uh uh claire so how did you meet the dude that you just broke up with we met like at a party through a mutual friend he's from the city originally i went to college in the city and what school you went to did he go to yeah georgetown wow you guys are in like do you know how hard it is to get like education from these places no sydney they don't they went there but i'm saying like if you go to like this top percentage of college like colleges you should like want to do something with it i went to clark i honestly i honestly believe that my dad did call you before this podcast i was like sydney i need you to help me out i went to

college he slid in sydney's dms no i went to college and i'm annoyed that i went i'm like why did i waste all this money it's like such a especially since i'm doing this sitting on marie's couch for free oh man i could have been done this i could have just moved 24 yeah i should have been doing this yo if we did this and we were 24 imagine where we would be right freaking now oh taking over the world i don't know well that's next year that's 2018 uh so you met at a party you were like he's clean he looks clean yeah he was clean he had a like i hit i needed a ride or something he was like oh if you want to stay over like i could drive you home tomorrow and he had a king-size bed so i was like sure i'll stay here but then and i wasn't interested and then i woke

up and i was like oh my god you're kind of cute so then i don't know we were just dating but we've been dating since i was in college so this is like my first time single as an adult yeah and i don't know what to do i don't i'm not getting on tinder i'm not getting on bumble i've never been on tinder or bumble you just get asked out right i feel like people will just ask me people just approach me on the train exactly you make eye contact with someone it's a date now but it's so annoying because i be there and i just like yo where do you get the confidence like to come up to somebody like because marie is a type that i would feel like if i went up to her she would be like loud about it like no i don't want to talk to you i'm busy like she doesn't seem like you

just approach me in them terrible ass shoes yeah like she doesn't seem like the inviting type like she's the type that like shade you and be like what like you know what i mean in your face in your face like what in your mom's face but it's always approach you oh my god we were out we were on the l train going to williamsburg and this dusty white man was like complimented her hair he's like your hair is great great hair and then he's like so i'm uh get off the train here if you want to come if you don't have plans and i was like obviously you have plans you're on the l train and she's with me nobody's on the l train just like wandering you're just riding it to canarsie to see what happens like you think we're so freaking funny you think we aimlessly just

taking the l train are you serious people like i'm like sir you take this l with you okay that whole thing was an l take this loss with you but the funny thing is is that some people do take the l because there was a comedian that we knew like years ago she would talk about going all the to the last stop and then having nowhere to go so she would just go back on the train to go back to where she started and i was like truly homeless and i was like wow sis like that's me next week like that's me waiting for my temp agency to call me back claire you know you have too much personality you're you're too beautiful you got it don't worry don't even stress yourself stress your pretty little face about it yeah yeah you won't get wrinkles what color your eyes they're

like bluey gray i don't know really they're like at the worst it's like they're not yeah they're i've never had a boyfriend that knew what color my eyes were they're always like i've never noticed you had eyes yeah i thought your eyes were brown claire that's crazy that's how that's how terrible the blue is yeah it's like i mean it's really like it's a stormy we say that we bring you up and take you down we bring you up just so we can crush you but also your eyes are kind of like you know when you flush the toilet and has that like little blue thing that like makes the water water blue no that's a brighter blue hold on hold on i wish that's a beautiful blue as that thing starts to run out okay the color of that murky blue my eyes are like the color of the absence of windex

like the last quart of wind damn claire did you read did you just think about that as a poem that's good it's a poem she wrote i studied english it's on her it's on her resume oh that's what you studied that's why i'm english now i know why you ain't got no job okay you studied english okay i get it clear don't nobody do nothing with english um i did comedy that's english right i've made negative five thousand dollars or something but but wait are you are you starting to do like web content i saw you got your little uh like crop top thing i'm trying i'm trying you look great on camera like you you have some you have talent so you know you know every time i write something i'm like this sucks and i rip it up and i burn it and then i never do

anything but you know what you go to an open mic and you hear a terrible white man tell a terrible joke and he has so much confidence you need to take that you have to have the confidence of a mediocre white man i'm trying everyone listening needs to have that everybody's just take notes just a mediocre just think of the most basic nasally white man that you know and that's the confidence that you just everything i say is because sometimes i see things i'm like how could you just put that out on the internet and then it gets thousands of hits and i'm like i need to have lower standards because they put it out in the universe that this is hot fire and then the people who follow them are followers so they like it you know one big circle jerk you gotta

have people that are following you that believe in you also if you say something confidently enough people are gonna be like oh this must be a fact this is it's gotta be true yeah you just gotta do it i see people on stage they like they begin laughs but i'm like you're really bombing but like you're so in it and that people are following everything that you're in that like it sounds like a win and i'm like that was shit that was trash that was trash i feel like people get up there and they do comedy like like they listen to comedy in a different language they get the cadence they're like da da da da da da da da da and then everybody's like i know when to laugh is that the pause that's how it works yeah so claire what's next for you what like what's goals

like relationship goals life goals comedy goals what's goals well i would like to be single i mean i'll try my best but i'll text you guys on monday let you know if i'm still please please i'm doing my i would love to be single um i would love to be employed i would love to be booked on someone's show if anyone's listening well no but like so i feel like what i maybe i want something that's like more clear like more concise clear like use that english degree and tell me what words which what exactly you want your dad definitely talked to us before the podcast cast i'm telling you in the universe no yeah i don't know oh my gosh what do i want i guess i like i guess i would like to create more i don't know i have more confidence in myself i feel like

i have a lot of ideas and then i just get nervous i feel like i'm like oh these suck but that's a lot of people but i mean you have to go out you have to take risks i think that's what half of comedy is is just being able to do it and be like hey maybe this will work maybe it won't but if i mean you're already taking a risk right you're getting on stage in front of people who probably don't know you and you're trying to make them laugh so you're already doing that yeah and that's massive so like we know you so you obviously somebody so so what's like getting on camera recording some stuff that you can like watch before you post like you can edit it as much as you can and post it whenever you're ready but will you guys give me goals what goals do you think i

should have damn claire i want you to have some goals that's my goal for you is to have some damn goals i'm just saying if i didn't know i didn't have goals i'm hearing it i'm like wow i know i'm hearing it too and i'm not doing good i'm like damn sis i'm just saying lena dunham is out here doing that terrible stuff that she's doing i mean she's naked yeah you're actually i like i like your comedy i like you i think that you know and you're you're you're pretty you know oh my god and you talk about being pretty on stage yes and i love that which i like i like that a lot i thought when i first started you guys because i would see all these fucking disgusting white guys talk about being dog walkers and how they can't go to the gym but we'll just go to the

gym and then i saw you guys i was like oh my god i want to be like them like see confident and fun and bright well and black i mean you're missing that in black that's my goal confident black and broke yeah i'm getting it on shoot yes please um this has been great i do you have um like quiz i wanted to quiz you on a few things okay do you have some stuff yeah let's ask her some questions about boarding schools. Can you name five people from Gossip Girl?

Yeah, they didn't go. They didn't go to boarding school. They were all in New York City. They were in Manhattan. That's not a boarding school, though? Nope. What was that?

That was just day school. That was private school. Oh, but I don't know the difference. I really didn't. I said it's all the same. Yeah, when you said that, you were like,

oh, you went to boarding school like Gossip Girl? I didn't know how to be like, no. She just said no. Okay, well, you went on that. You just answered that.

I don't know any of the characters from Gossip Girl, but I know that. what's the main chick's name serena vanderwoodson no no no the real actress blake yeah blake is like oh she's somebody like her dad got money and now she's a an actress and now she's married to ryan reynolds who may or may not be gay and they got some kids like her life was she sucks she had to try to do like a lifestyle blog and oh like goop yeah and it like went bankrupt and i was like blake how did you not know how to tell people what nail polish to buy like

how do you fuck up that kind of business with that much fame she wasn't posting regularly enough she could pay people to do that i don't understand how she like botched it so badly but what was the name of her yeah and then tell us how she went wrong so when we do it we don't i don't like her i don't know i didn't go to her either i didn't go to her blog i think she's done she's just like empty she just seems vapid she does seem very vapid she seems like she's kind of like like going through the motions of this is what i'm supposed to do next yeah but don't don't say that to blink there's so many people out there doing it and they got like a million followers so it's not just that it's not you talking about beyonce sis oh no she's actually talented though

yes but she doesn't she also seemed empty on the inside listen i don't need the beehive all up and through unofficial expert okay you know what i'm okay with the beehive coming for me uh what do they say there's no such thing as bad press also if you're looking for me um and you want to at me on twitter about this beehive stuff my name is azalea banks on twitter it's azalea banks wait so what about um cruel intentions that was in a boarding school that was also on the upper east side that was a private school you're just saying like all private school yeah they're different it's just white people with money that's to us that's all boarding school yeah sydney what's another movie about white people with money yeah you ever seen zoe 101 on nickelodeon

with bernice spears's little sister no that was boarding school that was boarding school i never saw that you just gave me a question to ask right now i was gonna ask that zoe 101 but also she left because she got pregnant right yeah yeah jamie lynn but yeah when you're britney spears sister you're definitely gonna get when you're when you got two first names you won't get pregnant real young jamie lynn spears come on jamie lynn is always giving it up yeah she live in a double wide yeah drop it drop it low pick it up slow i don't even know what you're talking about i don't know uh do you have any other questions about boarding school no no no i just want uh claire to plug all her things i had a question oh you did thank you for not asking me oh i didn't know

if you had a question appreciate your rude black ass sorry claire don't be like sydney um keep radiating your bright uh beige light um what is something about boarding school that you feel like people listening might have a misconception about like might not know you know people whenever i tell them i went to boarding school they're always like what did you do steal a car and i'm like no like i feel like people you know they think it's like military yeah people think that like boarding school summer you were sent because you were bad that's what i think it is i mean because why would your parents not want you around the same because they want to be butt-ass naked and walking around their house without you there i mean i saw my parents constantly they came

to like all my sporting events i would see them like every weekend jerry looked like he would be all up in three are you good my dad got the biggest fucking camera that you can buy he got like a professional like shooting the NFL camera and he would show up at my soccer games and just

he would take so many frames that you could have made a movie of the whole 90 minute game he just was up there like action shot

action shot action shot action shot and he would stand by himself because he didn't want to be bothered by the other parents

and people would think he was like hired by the school you have pictures do I have pictures I have like millions send it to us

because we're definitely posting them on the unofficial or send us one of your like school photos yeah please send us i had a great senior photo yeah i believe it i mean look at you what was the uniform oh well i went i like got in trouble all the time because i was never in the uniform so i

would wear like like uh yoga pants every day and they would just make me go back to my room every class and like you have to change and i'd be like okay and then i would just go and change again so i spent most of my day just changing my outfit so what was the uniform um you had to wear like it couldn't be jeans it had to be like khakis or corduroys or something like that and then You had to wear a collared shirt. Collared. Always. Always collared shirt.

And no flip-flops, but I would wear flip-flops. And then they'd be like, no sweatshirts, but I would wear sweatshirts. And I was just like, anything you could break, I would break. And then they would send me back. And I would spend an entire class. They'd be like, go change your jacket. And then I'd come back and they'd be like, no, go change your shirt. And then they'd be like, no, go change your pants.

They would just be like, holy shit, Claire. Claire, you didn't want to learn a damn thing. You just wanted to change your clothes. I was just wearing outfits. I was just going back to Columbia. I mean, it's crazy. Change clothes and go. I'm glad we got to talk.

I really like you, Claire. I always like Claire. As soon as these microphones come off, though, I'm going to ask you some real off the record, but on the record. Some Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer questions. I'm going to act like I'm turning the podcast off and then ask you all the real questions. I'll name all the orgies. Thank you so much. GBO8.

GBO8.5. There was an 8.5? Wow. Shit. It was too soft for you? You got footage or not? You didn't borrow your dad's camera? okay to shoot the gangbang with a what's his name oh my god claire please tell us about your show

that you have any any like your uh social media and stuff well i run a monthly it's the last monday of every month at the standing room is called the there will be hot girls there comedy show and then i run a weekly at kinfolk it's called as if it's every tuesday at 7 30 in williamsburg it's really fun okay and what's your social media um at claire the scare which is c-l-a-i-r-e the scare the scare beautiful and that's on twitter too right yeah okay oh consistency and what's jerry's uh twitter i think it's jerry norton just at jerry norton i think so yo he did follow me yeah i didn't lie about that i would never lie to you why would you lie about jare hey jerry hey jerry and then you can find me on instagram at reesey r-e-e-e-z-y and then my

twitter is miss reesey m-s-r-e-e-e-z-y sydney and then you can catch me on the insta just sid b-w-j-u-s-t s-y-d-b-w and then twitter just sid n-y-c beautiful uh claire before we go uh uh what's the craziest thing that you saw or you heard or a teacher said to you at boarding school oh my god okay i had a this isn't the craziest thing but i did have an advisor so you had like your dorm parent you had an academic advisor and then you had just like your personal advisor who was supposed to be like your parent yeah your mentor on campus and she didn't actually teach at the school but she like was like overly involved with the students and she like wanted to be like a cool teacher

who just like said inappropriate things. So one time I was really upset about something and she comes up to me and goes, so what? You gave too many blowjobs

and now the teachers don't like you. Who cares? And at this point I had never given a blowjob in my life and I was just like, what do the teachers

say about me? It was awful. That's terrible. The teachers didn't like you because they thought you gave too many blowjobs? I think she just made it up but that was a big part of it.

The teachers were gossipy as hell because they were stuck on that campus with those crazy kids too. So like we all talked about each other. Yeah. Craziness.

sydney anything crazy thing craziest thing a teacher ever said to you never said to me but i actually went on a trip with my teacher and a couple other students we went to cuba and he ended up getting a hand job for one of the girls on the trip in his room and then he just recently friend requested me on facebook yes and i don't know what to do should i like what's his name i'm not gonna say it on here but i'll show you i'll show you a picture of him i'll say his name show me his name i'll say it i know you would i know you fucking would girl rhymes with cole cole cole cole joe oh my god uh craziest thing a teacher ever said um i teach my guidance counselor told me

as a senior that i should be a comedian and i was like i can't get no scholarship for this and that was the craziest thing anyone ever said to me uh and now i'm a comedian so look at miss bogan speaking uh all this just poverty into my life she put it into the universe for you anyway thank you so much for listening guys we'll catch you guys next week don't forget to rate comment and subscribe on itunes and shout out to comedy hype you can get all your comedy news bye guys Thank you.