MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Body Positivity Expert" with Stavros Halkias

Episode Date: November 10, 2017

Can men be Instagram models? We're discussing how the media portrays women, foods you shouldn't eat before a threesome, fat kids that wear shirts in the pool, being an immigrant kid in Baltimore with Stavros Halkias. Grab an eggroll & pull up a chair!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hey hi hi welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with marie and sydney i was waiting for you to say it but you didn't so i won you were supposed to finish my sentence bitch nigga oh that's the end that's the last word i feel like i just finished it you did thank you what's going on how you doing marie i'm doing really really well i feel like the podcast is thriving it is so uh here we are for another episode another week it was in timeout magazine oh my god we're like free magazine in new york famous also we're on the website we are and it's crazy because i have people messaging me um i owe them money so they're like oh you're doing great i saw you on timeout magazine uh can you give me my six hundred dollars back and i was like what

who you owe six hundred dollars to oh sis there was a couple times I was like I need to go to Miami real quick let me get to six hundred wow I need to get some new friends people are just giving away money to go to Miami well it was a dude so he thought that he was going to give me this money

and then all of a sudden I would fuck him to clear the debt little did he know the twist is the gag is you're a lesbian a poor lesbian because you took the money but not the dick okay okay oh i didn't do it right is that how you take

money you take the money you don't take the dick right no you did it right okay that's like you know economics 101 uh-uh he's like a bill collector now when he like texts or messages oh he's knocking on the uh back door sis oh shit that's an 800 number i mean it's a 646 number but it feels the same do you have his number saved in your phone as owe him money no i don't i actually he's he's a friend i just yeah he's a friend but you're not his i keep telling him i'm like i don't have it and he's like but i see you in the uh the timeout magazine it's a free magazine he's like you're getting paid for the podcast or not no we're not we don't have any sponsors guys can you guys just slide in our venmo this podcast is sponsored by our landlords because we do this apartment in our

homes um so whatever you guys can do to uh make us feel rich know that sydney's not gonna touch your dick after i'm not gonna look at it so wait i thought you said that you wanted dick pics i never said that are you sure i'm 100 sydney this is why people keep sending me their crooked dicks on instagram because you keep telling them oh slide your dick in marie's dms i do i put it a hashtag underneath photos i was like send it pics yes i do you're a horrible friend um sydney what the hell were you an expert in this week was i expert in taking care of business yes taking care of business and also my girlfriend she got lasik and uh it's a procedure that you kind of got but except it doesn't cut the top flap off hold on hold on hold on i also got lasik she just got

some like other basic lasik oh don't you dare yes i'm doing it i'm doing it right now listen to people listen to what i'm saying when i got lasik three years ago they cut a little flap on your eye and then they like open it like a door and then they like buff it out and then they slide the flap back down but sydney's girlfriend got it but they didn't make a little flap they just did it right on the surface yeah so if you get punched in the eye your flap can fall out no dude my flap closed it was three years ago my door is closed so is my heart anywho she got that and i had to take care of her for the whole weekend and marie being the fabulous bestie that you are you came over to keep me company

i don't want you to kill your girlfriend or your girlfriend kills you i heard you guys had food i was like yeah i'm coming to support i did i cooked for her three meals a day can you believe it that was the most i cooked ever yeah and you guys have been together for three years three years this was the most she needed to to get this surgery to test on my love i can't believe you didn't like do a day where like it was just like cereal no day like where you toasted bread or not like that no i cooked the whole time marie was here we were watching netflix you know my girlfriend i had to put her drops in to make sure she didn't become blind it was crazy well so the situation this weekend was she had to keep her eyes closed for three days yes so sydney couldn't leave the house

but you know women don't listen she didn't want to keep her eyes closed i was like listen do you want to be able to see this ass you need to close your eyes yo sydney sydney couldn't leave the house but at the same time you said that she didn't listen but you didn't listen either because you were supposed to stay here and you had shows you kept sneaking out i said baby take 12 of these volume so i could go out i was crushing it up in her food like maybe i was like maybe she'll just go to sleep she wouldn't go to sleep she would come out in the couch and like try to talk to us you guys want to listen to a podcast you're like no we're like we don't like podcasts we did oh my god i was like shh angela bassett's on tv shut up shut up yo we didn't me and you

didn't even go to sleep we were just watching this fucking american horror story for like yeah hours on hours yeah we watched we watched 13 episodes in a row i fell asleep for like legit 12 minutes and i was like put it run that back i missed i missed what happened run it back and then i made breakfast i made eggs i had avocado tomato onions take them through the menu sis she made biscuits i made biscuits chicken i made chicken it was chicken sausage and chicken meatballs and chicken breasts there's a lot of chicken in the house salad we had tacos tacos we baked cookies dude you did a lot i did a lot right and then it was like adrian would come out with her eyes open and like she'd be like babe what are we doing for dinner and i'm like sis

you just had a sandwich you just had tacos i know well i get the award for best girlfriend for three days how are her eyeballs doing i keep meaning to text her but she's great she's fine she's complaining it's all good um okay so she's back to normal what were you an expert in this week maureen uh i wasn't expecting just being like the right amount of nosy okay right because you know i like to be in people's business right me too so and i like to see how people live i can see where people live so if people invite me to their house or like a friend's house i come but i get the address and then i street easy yes you see how much i street easy it to see just how much the apartment costs i'm looking at the floor plan i'll be like oh two and a half bad yeah and then you

asked them like how many rooms you got you're like one you're like actually there's another room you're not showing me in 1986 this was converted to a two-bedroom this is the original floor the original crown molding up here and then you break out the the blueprint and i'm like how did you get that it's like hgtv for poor people i've been like get the popcorn ceilings used to be here and they took that down so i did that i went to a bunch of really nice houses and like got the whole tour um and then i also last week was other i don't know if you guys listening know this but there are other podcasts out there so a lot of them had like live events happening last week so i went to see what they were doing yeah like oh this is what y'all doing in here

uh-huh okay 3 000 people showed up for this podcast that's cute like four shows they have four shows 3 000 so it makes me feel like you want to shout out this podcast no i don't i don't i'm not gonna shout them out but i'll tell you what i went to go see this live podcast and i'm sitting there and the girl said something and she's like can somebody come out help me with my shoe and then this like little white woman comes out and everybody starts screaming and i'm like who's this white lady kelly ripper and somebody was like no that's sarah jessica parker i was like they got carrie bradshaw here yeah for this podcast so she comes out she fixes the little shoe i don't know if you guys have ever met famous people but they're like smaller than

regular size people like they have little heads and little bodies and little necks and they're short everyone in hollywood is short like legit everybody so sarah parker screen that's why shut up she she's like this little head and she like she was cool you know i was like i get that's who y'all got y'all couldn't michelle obama wasn't available if i had 3 000 people coming to see me i would have michelle obama on stage but you know god that's neither here nor there but it was cool to see somebody famous it was great i wasn't there but i heard great things it was i heard it was a great show uh shout out shout out to other brown girls doing things out here you know thank you so much thank you for paving the way for our black ass yes one day we'll have a celebrity on the

unofficial expert speaking of celebrities this guy is famous he's insta famous he's in these streets y'all might recognize him he got followers on followers on followers he's so famous that his page was hacked banned banned it was it was shut down that's how famous he is that's right you know it's got to me you know how famous you ought to be for them to shut your page down pretty famous like listen they're not shutting down people who only got two followers they're not shutting that shit down they're like keep that open nobody they're not shutting down your private account with a one cat profile picture they're not shutting that down well uh this our next guest is uh is a comedian i feel like you're a writer i feel like you're a model yes modeling on the

Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah, plus size erotic model. Oh! You heard that? We don't need no damn Sarah Jessica Parker. We got a plus size erotic male model. Okay.

He's our body positive expert. It's Stavros Helkias. Helkias. Helkias. Helkias. Yes. We'll do it again. Hold on.

I'll do it again. It's Stavros Helkias. Hey, hey. You sound like a sauce. Yes. Look at some dip in it Oh yeah Dip in that halkies

Yo you got the The hot halkies That's hot Yeah can I get Inside a halkies Yeah can I get A caesar salad With the halkies on the side

Yes please It's a very hearty sauce Ew Get that sauce Yuck Sorry Yuck Didn't mean to be gross

I'm just kind of In a weird mic space Because this girl Owes me $600 Oh man Oh man This girl owes me $600 So proud of you

For listening would you ever lend a woman absolutely not that's fucking wild why if you had tons of money you had extra 600 okay so we're talking tons okay yeah and this is this girl is your friend you possibly did like you know a coke bump off her titty sure okay well now now kind of filling in the picture's filling in okay right i still think 600 is kind of a it's a lot yeah i mean it seems like uh it's it's a gray area you know because it seems like he definitely from just listening in seems like he's trying to get some cheeks out of the ordeal well he knows that i'm gay and that is not that doesn't stop that would not stop him right this this gentleman that lent you that money he don't

care and i and listen i get i took this money years upon years okay oh wow years So the interest is through the roof. With interest, you owe him $1,000. $1,000 and a blowjob. It's not happening. What about just the blowjob? What about if you put those yellow dishwashing gloves on and gave him a handjob? No!

There's no skin-to-skin contact. Yeah, but I'll have to put some baby oil on it. You can't just do it wrong. Do it with some Dawn. That's what they used to clean ducks after an oil spill, you know? You could jerk a guy off with that. It's soft enough for baby ducks It's soft enough for baby dicks

Star Wars you wanna make it easy 600 I mean You're not making the money but You're just paying it You're paying it off for me Trench for the debt Just make the room dark Give me a long weave

Did you get some weight They'll be like Sydney You are hungry today You thickos Thickos The ass feel fat right now so do your kneecaps let me let me touch your elbow let me squeeze your elbows real quick wow so stavros how do you get into uh okay so let's just talk about your page real quick yeah

the original page was stavi baby stavi baby yes so what makes you you get on instagram you tired of posting pictures of your sneakers so you're like let me just get but i never went i went straight for the i went straight for the the body positivity shit when did you start instagram Probably, at this point, two years ago. Two years ago? That's it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

How many followers did you have? I had like 10,000. 10,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're getting back up there. Yeah, I got banned. I'm not exactly sure why. I mean, I was posting like, so the whole page is like, I'm naked, basically, in every picture.

Yep. Looking over your shoulder. Sure. No, it's sultry. They're sexy. I like them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

Holding a bag of groceries over your dick. Sure. A lot of things blocking my dick. That's a big motif. laying in a like a bag of peanuts or something like that it's real artistic laying down poses it was very um the fat jewish except without stealing content right right bring it down yeah no absolutely like my my shit was like and also i think i'm trying to make an actual point with my you know with my page it's like the whole idea it kind of i mean because i'm a comic we're

all comedians here right funny so it starts as kind of like a joke where it's like i'm trying to do like a thing where i'm showing how ridiculous it is that like how women are portrayed in most media you know so it's like a woman who's like completely naked and she's got like you know she's got a fucking you know like one flower covering her pussy or something yeah and her tits are you know just barely out of the picture and then it's like buy bounty towels do you know what i mean it's like it's like the towel like the towel's like way in the back and you can't see shit yeah you know and it's like and no one gawks at that no one's like that's fucking weird that that's how women are portrayed but then you just put like a fat dude in there and it's like

becomes a joke it's funny you know so it's like what's different about that you don't take women's body seriously in the way that you take a man's body seriously so it's like yeah you put a man in there and it's like oh this is ridiculous that we would put someone who has value in this situation they don't even show dicks on movies i know that's how much they value we just started the dick the dick fucking dicks and movies oh that's because we were going on strike we're like nah fuck that we need to see some penis i need to see the tip of it oh i can count i can count the dicks i've seen on game thrones and i see titty and vagina like legit like straight birthing canal oh yeah yeah fallopian tube waving like hey girl exactly cervix i see cervix at least

six times an episode and we're already like eight seasons in right right right but i don't i think i've seen a dick yeah there's a character on game of thrones whose dick they cut off i've never even seen that dick wow the dick on the floor just lying down like that's hey i would like to see a dick as a garnish on a plate like oh there we go julian some dicks yes yeah a dick with an apple in its mouth you're not playing with it at all like what's up but yeah it's like it's they're like well women and men can appreciate a female body but no one wants to see a man's dick is that like is that the logic no i mean i don't think there's any logic behind i think it's just like objectification it's like you're used to treating women's bodies like objects or whatever you know

so it's like so that's how that's what the page was like kind of doing was like and they were funny pictures don't get me wrong i was trying they're really funny you know and you're a funny guy they were appreciate they were reminiscent of you know like the little baby that's like putting on sunblock and like the dog yeah yeah that's copper tone that's what real copper tone vibes yeah yeah um and so and look there's still a lot of them are real funny but then it's like then you start doing the page and it's like people would like dm me and and like like i've had issues with like my body it's like cool to see somebody uh just who's you know who's bigger just like be naked dudes are writing you this dudes and women yeah i mean yeah very rarely is it a straight guy

to be fair uh to be fair because they're like hey zeddy uh yeah yeah yeah just to be honest but i feel like it's it's kind of filtered you know what that's not true lately the longer it goes on i think uh straight dudes are like more because that's another stigma too is like straight guys can't admit that they have body issues you know where it's like yeah but you're a bigger dude and you're a comedian so it's like you're bro you're like you're the bro that's like doing the most you're doing extra so you gotta give him props anyway i feel like that's a thing right like there's certain things that like when men say it like there's a stigma attached to it like if a man is like a manorexic we'd be like you laugh right manorexic manorexic sounds funny it's hilarious

like guyliner yeah if you put the word man or guy in something it's funny right right right i'm laughing at you while you're like manorexia is a real thing there's guys who are upset anorexic man is a thing manorexia it's a hashtag that's more a hashtag it's a meme it's guys who are really into their body too much like where they're starving themselves or even i don't even know if there's men that are bulimic i probably that's a thing guys that work out too much because oh yeah like that's a big all those fucking like you know you see those guys that like gyms who just like meatheads a lot of them are fucking have the same thing have the same problems like an anorexic girl you know young girl they have the same body dysmorphia it is well because my sister is into

fitness and she'd be like like if someone says oh you look bigger or you look great or sydney will come into the house and be like oh you look fantastic and she's like really do i yeah and she hears it all the time but she doesn't see her game and her body is fantastic and i'm like so good i'm like get off my couch you and your muscles go no but it's different when you see a man that like is really into his body it's like you must got a small dick what happened right right yeah there's some kind of like strange vanity i just feel like yeah i feel like everyone has these like look women have it way worse in society for sure and way way judged way more on their bodies but like everyone has body issues like i remember i was a little kid i was like there's that fat kid

i was a pool shirt fat kid oh can we talk about you as a child i would like to remember those kids where it's like it's like come on dude you think that layer of cotton is hiding those titties it's not we see your large nipples it's wet you know what i mean like just wait so you would wear a shirt in the pool for yeah there was a period of my life before i was very before i was uh uh comfortable with my body yeah that i was like i you didn't want to be fat you got fucking mocked when i went to greece and america is better than a lot of places just because like corporations have forced us to be a lot of us to be fat you know uh but like when i would go back to greece like they don't even have like the amount i would because my family's from greece

I'd go back to Greece in the summers every once in a while when we could scrape it together. And it was like, to be like a fat, normal American kid there, you were like a fucking blimp. Like, people would just trash you openly to your face. How do you say look in Greek? Kita. Kita! Kita! But it was like little kids and like old ladies and grown men. They were like, kita! Kita!

So, right, because when I think of Greek, I think like Greek gods, right? like everybody's like dark hair not everybody's blue eyes and dark hair and Eric Bana yeah yeah

he's Australian whatever John Stamos there you go long toenails George Stephanopoulos that's fair I feel like I see

I've seen yeah a lot of hair in places you're not expecting to and a lot of nail a lot of nail really have you been to Greece

no but I know a lot of Greek people you gotta go hit that guy up in college I'm gonna like hit that guy up get another $600

no girls stop so can we talk about you as a kid like growing up sure so your mom and dad both born and raised in greece or like second generation born and raised they came over here in the 80s they came over here a few years before i was born that's dope we were just talking about this because my family's from haiti okay and they got here in 87 yes my family came here in like 84 i want to say right and i was born in 89 right so i was born here happy birthday thank you yeah Sydney where were you never mind so but I was just talking to Sydney about the difference between being like a first generation first generation American versus like a regular American

sure like the the way that we're brought up is different like what are some things that like you dealt with being like what are some things that like your family did that like your friends didn't do right yeah I mean it's definitely you're in this weird zone of like and I don't know how it is with you but I feel like especially recent immigrants it's different because like you look at old immigrants like you look at people who came over in like the 30s and 40s or they're escaping like potato famines they're escaping like fucking persecution but when you're like a relatively new immigrant it's like i don't know if this is the case for your family but like my family did not assimilate at all my dad still you you guys could not have like a good con the only way my dad knows

how to speak to women in english it's either lumber if he's talking to a man because he's a carpenter or he's trying to hit on a woman so like i taught i brought my college girlfriend over and he was like you have beautiful eyes yeah that's the only shit he knows how to say and you're like your dad is creepy he's like no no that's just like how he knows how to talk it's like daddy you're trying to fuck my girlfriend like what the fuck what's your what's your dad's name uh emmanuel manoli manoli manolaki manolaki little manoli well we were talking about it because the holidays i hate the holidays because you know i don't spend any time with my family i'm estranged or whatever and marie's like well that's an american thing she's like i feel like

immigrants like they're very like family oriented you always got to be your family for the holidays yeah your mom is like where the hell you at what time you gonna get here i got food on the stove sure that's as an immigrant kid but in america it's like i haven't seen my mother since uh last july like right right right certainly that's true that it's like immigrants definitely have more of that family although it's like they have good families no it's just that they're forcing you to be there like that's kind of how i feel about like i like i when i first moved here i like didn't go home i tried to force that estranged shit because i was i was legit jealous when like when i see like you know old like american kids who just like oh yeah i don't talk to my dad i'm

like oh you lucky motherfucker you don't have to my dad calls me and just sighs for like 30 seconds he'll be like i'll pick up like hello be like and then it'll be like i see you still have a phone I see you know how to use a phone. And it's like, hello, father. How are you? Hello, dad. That's my mom every time I speak to her. It's brutal.

She's like, you only call me when you want food. I'd be like, no, but you could also call me. And she's like, I'm busy. And then she'll be like, bye. Yeah, exactly. She'll be like, did you eat? I'll be like, no. She'll be like, bye.

And then she hangs out. But my mom is the sweetest woman in the world. My mom is like the little chubby European lady stereotype. Literally one time. She wear a lot of headscarves? she she'll she'll throw a head scarf on for sure for sure does she is she in a robe a lot no i feel like something with an apron on the front yes that's more her vibe for sure she'll throw she'll throw comfy clothes on though don't get it twisted but like she'll she'll she she's

the kind of woman one time in high school my friend she was coming to pick me up she was picking me up to go to the movies there was no coming into the house she was just gonna like pull up i was gonna get out and go my mom waved her down made her park her car and cooked brownies it was a pickup that's amazing i don't know how the fuck she did it what kind of immigrant magic she used the brownies were ready in seven and a half minutes they were like from scratch and brownies definitely more time than that they were like gooey and chocolate i don't know what the fuck she did what's your mom's name venetia venetia man how you say that manoli manoli venetia i love that name that's beautiful like lines yeah yes yes venetia or the girl down the

block venetia yeah yeah oh yeah who did your hair venetia yeah venetia looking for you okay my mom's name being venetia did help me out in baltimore city public schools a lot is that where you went to school yeah i grew up in baltimore yeah yeah yeah um so do you have siblings i have two little brothers little they're two years younger than me but you know yeah we call that little very little so so you said your mom is this little chubby european woman is your dad also chubby sort of he had uh uh he was he was getting fat as shit and then like it's been a while like 10 years ago he had like a heart attack yeah that changes everything this whole shit but he my dad is the rare guy and i'm um who like he had like a awakening you know it's like people have an

awakening like what am i doing with my life i gotta be a better person i gotta fucking he he had that and he just became a piece of shit so he like he was like he had a heart attack it became worse straight up yeah it was like it was one of those things was like what am i doing i've been i've been getting fat caring for my family i should be out losing weight cheating on my wife so your dad had his wendy williams fainting moment yes and so that's called a midlife crisis yes a hundred percent and so that heart attack it's like he lost weight but he just became such a shittier guy yeah and um uh so yeah he's but he's still now he's he struggles with it i mean it's in my family for sure is like like i'm an

addict for sure like there's alcoholism in my family there's like there hasn't been like there's gambling and and um and there's just like food addiction like straight up oh your family sounds fun yeah i mean so it's a fun it's a good time so okay so talk to us a little about about growing up then right because in my mind like your mother's she's making brownies from scratch in seven minutes what like what what is she cooking like greek food to me seems like fresh and like seafoody it doesn't seem like you could gain a ton of weight from it i feel like it's it's healthy food but he was in baltimore yeah desert eating mcdonald's yeah well that's the thing it's like my mom didn't cook like she cooked but it's like she's also like both my

parents are working yeah there's like they're busy they're busy as shit it's like the big treat my mom you know my mom's working two jobs for most of my childhood yeah she's like she's a waitress on the weekends and she and she's like does like she did oriental rug repair oh oriental rug that's what they're called to me they're called oriental rug i feel like that word you throw it out throw the whole word out it's wrong with you but that's the name of the rugs though it's not like oriental ramen noodle i know and it's not and it's not like uh it's not like uh it's not like like the derogatory term that you think it's not like it's like chinese or japanese rugs they're like from the middle east so they should be called middle eastern rug repair right i mean they got

persian rugs too let's call them persian let's be in the middle let's yeah that's what i was gonna say i was like persian sounds a lot better um she had a lot of jobs she worked a lot and she had three kids three kids and my dad had his own business and so it's like that he used to work hard at but then just became like a you know he was like i'm at the i'm working and she's like you know you couldn't keep track typical like immigrant dad you know immigrant dad shit where it's like he's never had to answer to anyone the idea that you would have to be emotionally available to anyone is insane you know oh yeah immigrant males they go from their mom doing everything for them to their wife doing everything for them so it's like they never have really been

a complete person no but they feel like they're in charge meanwhile they've done the least work of anyone yeah because tell it in most of these households it's the mom that runs the house 100 she cooks she cleans she does she do all the laundry and the dad is just like well i don't want to eat this today where my meat exactly and my mom was like that but then here's the thing she cooked and everything and she's super like the only reason i'm like a uh semi like functional human being is because of my mom but she has she has for sure the same kind of food addiction problems that i did so it was like this thing looking back it's like when she would like treat us to stuff it was kind of for her too so it's like she was like i'm gonna switch out of some

friendlies oh 100 it's a big shit was my family would do that too yeah we definitely like let me tell you a jack in a box you're like why do you want a sourdough burger right now well i guess since i'm here we weren't allowed to eat fast food because my mom don't f with that mess so like a treat was like uh like every couple months she'd be like she wanted fries so like we would go we would all split a large fry that's very haitian yeah we would all she's like well i want fries you know what a treat for my mom my mom would take my brother my sister to mcdonald's she would get two quarter pounders with cheese and make them split one happy meal whoa ramona one happy meal

is the devil oh she would eat both burgers and they would be looking like we gotta split the toy too yes

cut it in half give me half of one of those McNuggets and she's eating from that little tiny paper fry bag yeah

rude Ramona she's just giving them the bottom of the bag fries your mom is the devil I mean yeah my mom

there was no it was very generous like I still like I get emotional when I drive by the popeyes we stopped at on the way back from the library like that was our saturday shit was like we'd go to the library and you know while my mom would run errands she would drop us off at the library we'd play like fucking carmen san diego or whatever the fuck on the computers at

the library uh we would rent movies there because you could just do it for free at the library yo remember that yo we used to do that as kids too yeah and then when they switched to dvd it was like yo yeah get like six dvds it was wild it was awesome live it up live it up that's poor people uh entertainment right yeah and then we would just go and just get like a fucking big ass thing of popeyes and it was like those were the best saturdays of my and so so many of like my little kid memories are like tied into food that i just feel like it's this thing where i can't and my whole family can't escape it yeah i really can't and even still it's like when i'm really fucking emotional or whatever where something really fucks me up it's like it is

hard not to just fucking go face first into some fucking ben and jerry's so crazy to me because i'm not that at all when i'm like really emotional which is you know once every you know red moon or whatever yeah uh i don't i don't face plant into food i don't even know what i do i feel like i can't eat i honestly lose my appetite my friends i lose my appetite and i just i literally i shut down and when i do see food i'm like oh it tastes like sandpaper oh that's yeah my friends that like go through breakups and like lose weight and like like my friend i was talking my friend jesse and she's like going through a bad breakup she's getting over now but like she just lost weight she couldn't eat it's like i am 100 like i look at some facebook pictures and it's fucking i know

when i broke i don't have to look at the date because i'm in i'm fucking stretching the limit of what a 2xl shirt is supposed to hold well those pictures because you like you saying 2x but i'm Like, you don't look like you got a two-weeks body. I'm kind of, yeah, I've kind of... How much do you weigh? Right now, I'm at, I think, around 260. 260. And what were you at your biggest?

When I was at my biggest, I was like 325. What? And how tall are you? I'm 5'8". Oh, yeah. That's tough. Dobby, baby. I know.

It was brutal. Dobby, baby. It was post a bad breakup, you know? Well, talk to us about that. Yeah, how long were you with her? We were together for like two and a half years. but it was like a college it was like this it was this weird thing where we meet in college when i'm like it's not real it's like well she didn't meet who i really was because it was not real that's

not you right that's like college you because i was going through a lot of the immigrant stuff i don't know if you have this but all the immigrant guilt of like and i was like the smart one in my family i was the one you was the smart one in the family yeah yeah yeah it was great like i was the one that like all the the hopes were pinned on you know i was gonna be like a lawyer i was gonna lawyer or a basketball player yeah yeah yeah exactly hey roland park middle school i played you know i had some nice handles yeah i just got ball sneakers on right now yeah yeah no i love playing basketball i just stopped growing in eighth grade so it was like i played middle school basketball and then i went out for the high school team and they were like

is someone gonna tell this guy he's five eight he's really going out of heart um so uh um so you met this girl right right so i had i did stand up when i was like i did it for a year when i was like 18 um i did stand for like a year when i was 18 but i felt like and i wanted to quit school i was on school on scholarship too like i got a i got a full ride real immigrant real immigrant shit because i got a partial well i want i couldn't live at home you know it was one of those things where i was tired living at home so i was like the only i can't afford going so it's like i got a fucking junior year high school when like the grades mattered or whatever i was like i gotta hit the fucking books

because if i'm getting out of here it's gonna be through this yeah through so i very smart um but it was only like the funny thing is the only school that gave me a full ride was like 15 minutes outside of baltimore so i was still like basically home but i didn't have to live in fucking you know i don't have to live with my fucking dad anymore um so then i you know i'm doing stand-up or whatever the fuck and um uh but i quit because i feel guilty because everyone's like because i wanted to quit school and just like just do comedy yeah but my i knew my parents like expected something of me so and isn't that so crazy so i yeah it sucked and in hindsight i wish i'd just done it yeah so i quit i quit stand-up you ended up doing it anyway i ended up doing it anyway and

It ended up being my career. Exactly. You got to follow your dream, right? I know. And what's funny is... Yeah, but you can't say that to your parents. Like, I can't ever... Even now, today, I call my mom and be like, I got to follow my dreams, you get?

Yeah. She's going to be like, what? But that's what you're doing right now, though. Yeah, yeah. But my mom is cool with me following my dreams now because, like, I'm making money and I don't call her for things. Right, right, right. But, like, 10 years ago, when I was in high school, like, I couldn't call and be like,

I couldn't be, I'm following my dreams, mom! Like, she hit me in the face in front of the principal. And that's what my dad... Yeah, that's immigrant shit right there. Yeah. And then fight the principal if she said anything to her. Yeah. This is my daughter.

That's your daughter. I'm taking my daughter home. And she hit the principal in the face. Oh, my God. I feel like all Haitian women in an altercation have a machete in one of those glass cases. That they break. In an emergency, yeah, break. That's hilarious.

That should be a sketch. I will kill you. I kill you. Now. And you're like, okay, I'm going to go to language arts. so you finished school or you dropped out no i finished school well technically i never got i'm too i'm a language credit short and i have like a language and i know and i'm fluent in greek such as crazy stuff and i had a three nine like i i didn't need it yeah why did you wait

what happened it's just one of these things my mom saw me walk because they saw i had a little fucking they went to graduation really that's all i was in school for is for my mom to see me walk like and but you don't have the diploma you don't have the paper for every two years she was like she's like for a year she was like so it's uh they haven't mailed me the diploma yet any day now mom i'll send some emails it's coming but honestly you can say no now she just wants to frame it in the living room so people could be like oh but she's with it now frame yeah she's with it now things are going okay like with my career and but my mom would my mom also didn't want me to fucking do comedy but only because

she thought it was like too risky but there was i mean it is it really is but she saw there was one summer when like i moved back home i just had to get my shit together it was when that girl broke up with me i moved back home i had a full-time job i was working as a paralegal and i i went to work at 6 a.m i came home at 6 p.m ate for a half hour and drove to dc to do stand-up every night and she saw like how hard i was working and she was like oh okay he's not she thought i was just kind of bullshitting because i'm also kind of lazy yeah so but we all are we all are but when you really she saw that i was like actually working and ever since then she's been on board and my dad's still not on board even though like even though dad's be hating yeah oh he's a hater my dad is a hater

a hundred percent he just wants to like he wants to be like dad fix please help me father and it's like i haven't asked him for anything since i was 16 yeah beautiful yeah um you're doing it the right way um anyway so yeah so you were paralegal for a little bit yeah yeah that means you had a little baggy suit on with like did you have a briefcase a manila envelope that's what you can put your whole life that's where i was in the manila envelope but it was rolled oh yeah a little little rubber band from a fucking bread from a bread bag not even like a real no it's a rubber been from around the broccoli green ones yeah yeah fresh produce i def use that so many times i try to put my hair in a ponytail with one of them and get a rubber band you're like what are

you doing the thick blue so thick oh yeah broccoli barely stretching yeah oh yeah it's like yeah yeah that's a workout getting those to stretch it's good for your uh that's how your sister got big i think yeah she's eating a lot of bread she don't eat she don't eat ezekiel bread now because she bougie so you're paralegal you quit that you moved to new york right right right yeah yeah yeah and just to like really quick because i was i never finished i never wrapped the shit up with the basically i was in school for like two years i tried it like i tried to like you know be good at it and that's when that girl met me so she met me we're in the same scholarship program i'm interning in like the maryland house of delegates and shit i'm like wow

I'm just like, so she meets like a nerd. Reclaiming my time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just doing a bunch of shit that like, and she's the kind of person that wants to get married at like, you know, 25 or whatever. And like wants to have a kid and everything. Boring. And so I just started doing comedy. And that was a time where we kind of breaking up was when I started being a paralegal because she lived in D.C. and I was in Baltimore.

And I would just come to her house and basically use it to crash to do shows in D.C. Exactly. I barely got to see her. For people from New York who don't have cars, D.C. to Baltimore sounds like right around the corner. How far, how long does it take to drive? It's an hour drive. What? An hour is a long time driving by yourself.

It was. I mean, I did it for like six years, like every day, basically. That's a lot. That's commitment. It was. I was basically commuting to do stand-up. And I wasn't getting paid at the time, either. It was all open mics and shit.

So you weren't getting paid. You were staying at her house. Right, right. But you wasn't breaking the walls down. Right. He was breaking the walls down? No. He was tearing that ass up?

he wasn't he was turning it out you know also here's another thing she got she got mary risley so good for her but do you ever feel like she was also my first relationship so it's like i'm like couldn't we like just fuck once just because i have so many moves now you know what i mean like i just want to show you the progress you know what i mean like that's not how those things work starving you gotta get it while it's hot and then be out also as women it's like you sleep with somebody and then you see what they got and then in your mind that's just how you remember them for the rest right that's what i'm saying scar i hate i hate that like she's only she's seen you know the novice yeah yeah the novice moves yeah yeah yeah i had a lot of upside i didn't i didn't

you know accomplish it in that relationship but she's seeing she's seeing pictures you butt-ass naked on instagram so you're out here winning it's true i am i'm sure she's looking at that picture of you with the louis vuitton bag like damn i should have i should have gave him another chance look at the hot the uh the valentine's day photos of you being like chubby cupid she's like am i making a mistake that's the one that got away yeah no good for her i'm happy i'm happy for her she's cool so wait you you recently lost weight right sort of yeah like when i first moved here i went through another breakup damn dude you like a cereal so do you want to be in a relationship like are you looking i think i'm in that zone now do they break up with

you or they uh you break up with them or it's mutual it with the first one was sort of mutual our lives just were going to different places like it was clear i was just gonna do stand-up and didn't stability was not what did i value at all she's like a house speaker assistant yeah she's she's you know she wanted kids and shit and this last one was just kind of like it was kind of a weird situation i was in you know i was in baltimore i was leaving anyway so we started dating when she knew i was moving and we had kind of like that for me i have a lot of fucking feelings i have a lot i have feelings but i have a hard time like i have commitment issues the whole yes yes yes yeah yeah it's immigrant shit probably yeah yeah yeah we they

don't touch us at home yeah food is love and then they like they never touch us so it was this weird freeing thing of like since i knew i was leaving in a weird way since there was an expiration date i kind of i'd allowed me to get closer to her because i didn't have any of that anxiety of like well what does she expect and then when it when it got to the point where we still kind of dated a little bit when i was like in new york yeah that never works out and and i was having a great time but i didn't think about it from her perspective like and she just kind of called it off abruptly you know and i was kind of and at that point i was like really into her and so she met somebody else uh not at the time but yeah later she's not telling you but she if it's abruptly we don't

All of a sudden, you're like, you know what? It's not working. No, it hadn't been working for her for a while. Exactly, exactly. That's what happened. It was abrupt for you, but for her, it had been building for like a couple weeks. Because she was also seeing the guy at Popeye's. So I feel like he was spotting an extra biscuit in her box.

He's got to put some honey and some jam in there for jam. It's so hard to get both there. I mean, you can only get grape, grape, or honey? Wow. Extra biscuit in the box sounds like some real freaky shit. Yes, it does. Sounds like an extra dick there. Put one nut in there.

It's the dick and the left nut. That's how they spit and game in the streets. Yo, ma, let me put my extra biscuit in your box. And you're like, um, extra biscuit? Do you have another dick? What's up? What's extra? Okay, so she broke up with you.

Yeah, so anyway, so that fucked me up. And then I went into the same, like, gained a bunch of weight. I was like, my biggest thing in New York was probably around 300, 310. How? How are you 300 pounds and you walk into the train? I know. That's how much I was eating. It was like, and I have a bit about that where it's like, I moved to a city where I can't

afford the food and I walk everywhere and I'm getting fatter. You know, that was my fucking situation. And what would you eat? Tell us what was on the menu. It was just fucking, it was just garbage. It wasn't anything good. Dollar pizza. Chinese fucking.

the jenny so's combos were flowing like wine in that in a story yeah it was like it was and i would just get to the point where i was ordering like appetizers on top of like you know i mean the seamless bill was rough and then you that's eating out is expensive totally you weren't making your own food i wasn't making my own food i was just fucking but that's how you get fat eating out exactly it's not good for you even if the food is good it feels healthy it still has like a lot of oil a lot of grease yeah yeah yeah you might be thin but your cholesterol is high and it's like if you do want to eat healthy it's gonna cost you 40 fucking dollars for a meal like it might be possible but yeah you're you're eating like fish or whatever vegans listen no cheese no none of

that it's three thousand dollars yeah yeah they're like well i got this uh this gluten-free no carb vegan uh sandwich roll it's like that's not bread that's not bread it's almonds it's almonds like with elmer's glue between them shaved into the shape it's a giant almond that they they like you know how they used to like whittle things down like back in the day when they were shavings and almonds yeah so wait stop it i want i really want to know how the hell did you get into just taking your clothes off like did you have one article off and then all of a sudden you were like let me try something else it was just like i don't know i it was like i said like when we from where we started it's like it just kind of started as like a bit and it's like i have no like i'm

pretty open and on stage and on everything i'm a very like and i'll talk to people about like you know deep shit like i don't really have a problem with that and that's just kind of an extension of that like i'm not shy about my body i don't know it was just it started out as i thought me and a buddy of mine we collaborated on it this guy ben o'brien from baltimore he's super fucking funny shout out to ben shout out to ben he's doing a thing with with uh adult swim right now actually 11 30 time slot wow shout out to ben baby ben doing it um anyway uh we just collaborated and we just were like thinking of what could be like these funny ideas within that like put me in the context of what women are and show it as like a ridiculous thing so we just kind

of came up with some ideas and it just it just got momentum i don't know it was one of those things where it was never really like a huge project that i thought would be you know a big part of what i do but like it's great rolling i love it well that's how yeah your butt crack out i'm like yo man you be having everything everything you don't hold that in a split i want to know have you ever flexible have you ever been naked and been completely embarrassed like when was the last time that you were naked because you talked about being a chubby kid in the pool with your shirt on right right but have you ever like you know what let me take another let me take a step back have you ever got hooked up with a chick and you get naked or you try to

get on top of her and she's like you know what nope this don't work no no no i feel like because i feel like that it's like we it'll never get that far you know what i mean it's like if you don't even get to the room stop at the train station you can't even get in if i'm in the room it's like you know what you signed up for you know what i mean it's like um i've i mean i've had embarrassing like sexual shit but it's like that's different it's not about my body it just wasn't working or what it goes into the food addiction actually okay okay let's talk about it you're trying to eat her out and she was like i gotta go to work no no no no no yeah she's like please it's been eight hours are you gnawing at my clit

it's not a gristle why are you like is that a glass of milk just dipping labia and uh and honey mustard and just sucking it off all the yeast infections i just want to dip your box your biscuit in my box i just want to put my biscuit and honey in your clit so um get into it i had a i had a hilarious like um i had one of those like just feeling horrible it was pretty recent just feeling horrible about myself like just emotionally fucked up uh days and i i live with one of my best friends we've been friends since kindergarten and he um we we're very codependent in terms of eating like shit

okay so it's like when when he's feeling bad and and he's itching for some horrible food and then i am too he's doing that text you up that yes literally yes from right across the room yeah yeah yeah yeah you uh is anybody hungry with like eight of those thinking emojis you know what i mean like that's that's the move yeah yeah when you see that that emoji we're done we're done for um we had one i had one of those days where it's like you just try to recover from your breakfast the whole day it was like we it's the day starts with a like 50 chinese food order the day starts what the chinese spot don't open till noon though you know listen we know the ones that open at 11 30 you know those that's definitely that's queens right it's queens it's queens there's not not in

the hood in our yeah yeah i've never ordered chinese food to my house i don't eat it that often that's crazy the last time i had it was like a year ago or something that's why marie's body is yeah exactly no it's because my family like we didn't eat out when we were little so like i don't do it i'm jealous of that i wish i had never come up with these i'd never come up with these habits but that like again to me ordering out chinese food shouts out to royal china this podcast is sponsored by royal china that on o'donnell street in baltimore my friend my friend chinese sam who we racially called chinese sam even though there was no other sam yeah i could have called him sam uh but um so you guys start eating chinese food at 11 30 brutal brutal

beginning to the day but what you ordering from the chinese spot let me give me a rundown so jenny so's of course is in the mix so we we have a general so's combo and then like uh like some other beef and broccoli combo and two people right that's where the order should stop yeah that's enough for two human beings yeah but you know we throw in a little fucking shrimp fried rice a little lo mein for the table you know a little a little shrimp fried rice for the table listen for the table couple chicken wings two chicken wings you only get a four piece you like it too chop them up what am i not gonna have an egg roll you know what i mean like come on um and that's what we're looking at plus oh plus oh yeah plus and then so we eat that shit

and then it's like you know what let's get this let's get breakfast dessert what is breakfast dessert dude it's just dessert after breakfast because we just had that we just so that chinese food was our breakfast bust that down no problem like like it wasn't shit uh and then we just fucking we hit up the crepe spot and just fucking yes crepes are amazing magic nutella nutella and marshmallows i'm not here for nutella dude i love it come on i don't understand the height so fucking i'm so jealous of like your palate she i feel like you and smile No, I love asparagus. But my mom used to make crepes for us at the house.

And it was like, you put a little jelly. Like, it wasn't like the crap that they do. My grandma did that. But Nutella was like, it was called merenda in Greece. Merenda. I feel like I can name my daughter that. Merenda. She'll be a whore, though.

I'm going to name my daughter Venetia. And she'll be a wonderful young lady. Yes, she will. She'll have an education and she'll braid hair. She's going to be like, Craig, can I borrow all your TV? that's my venetia my venetia so you guys get crepes so yeah oh and some dumplings and dumplings yeah yeah yeah that was on the initial order i forgot to mention it's brutal it's horrible of course do you eat

all this good actually i do yeah i did do a checkup recently i'm doing all right and i'm i'm exercising and shit yeah yeah most of i have been eating healthier recently okay but every once a while i'll just have these horrible like you know you know just really fucking while out um anyway eat all that so i eat all that food with your roommate with my roommate get the crepe and then i just fucking pass the fuck out uh i have a spot at the stand i'm on the sunday it's a sunday night uh-huh and then like some girls hit me up like on i don't remember i think i matched with someone on tinder um and she's like oh me and my friend are coming to see a show it's like you and your friend it's like i'm thinking that's kind of she like she was like a fan of

my podcast so she was like i figure like we match on tinder i don't really know if she's about it whatever she's bringing a friend it's like hey you know it's like my girl got a girl right right right well yeah i don't assume that's what the fuck is you know it's gonna pop off yeah because i'm just like oh this is just some like she just wants to see a show and it's like maybe i'll fuck her like later you know like maybe it's like we we hit it off here and like you know i kill it on stage i'm gonna kill you in the bedroom right right right yeah exactly because she's bringing a friend you know right and so so i'm sitting there and it's like a pleasant conversation and i do great you know i kill it what's up

and uh and then we're just talking it's like and it's going really good and it's going it's going so well that i'm actually like the friend more it's like one of those like oh i hate that and it's like fuck i want yeah exactly and we're like really vibing but i also feel like shit it's a sunday i'm like tomorrow i gotta get my life together like i'm just i'm looking for the exits i'm like uh i'm like about to tell them all right well nice meeting you let's hang out whatever yeah and then i see them like texting each other and like laughing that's what me and marie do very out and open exactly and i'm like cindy check your phone yeah yeah and usually that's like a bad sign you know so i'm like oh what do we got here and i'm like maybe this will

be my eggs and maybe they're like trying to leave whatever i'm like and at that point i'm like cool i don't fucking give a fuck right i got things to do i got dumplings at the house yeah i got leftover jenny's to warm up exactly uh and they're like and one of them's like oh we were just texting about like whether you wanted to fuck and i was like yeah yes did you go which one huh did you say which one no they were trying to both fuck wow yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so about that crepe you had the crepe you had right on the side of your lip they were like yeah those are the pheromones you know yeah uh anyway so what happens is it like lawrence from insecure huh i haven't i haven't caught out i'm insecure i'm sorry my hbo got cut off halfway through

you know yeah yeah yeah shut up my mom my mom's fucking password got taken away no your mom changed it yeah yeah venetia is tired of me freeloading um so and it's like i and i'm not in the zone at all you know i'm not ready fuck i've got a big ass breakfast i've got dumpling dick you know what i mean like it's not it's like soy sauce balls yeah yeah yeah yes there's more yeah there's more msg than testosterone in my body at the time you know but what the fuck i'm not gonna i'm not gonna you can't say no you can't say yes you cannot exactly you would have said no I'd have been like, I got to wash my hair. I'd have been like, at who house?

So anyway, we like go back to these girls. And it's like, you know, we're like hooking up and it's fucking going good. But it's like, then like my stomach's rumbling. My dick is just. And it's just like, I'm hitting them with that like fucking. I would like to say three quarters hard dick. But even that is that like holding it at the base. Fifty one percent.

Barely hard. Oh, no, it's hard. Do you know how? Oh, no, it's hard. It's hard. Just give me a second here. That is the most frustrating thing. It's like, listen, don't you dare hit me with that.

Don't hit me with the Play-Doh. Don't hit me with the Play-Doh penis. Listen, don't you dare hit me with it. It looked like it hurt, but it not. Nah, dude. It not. Yes, once any pressure is applied to it. Oh, it fall right apart.

It's like, boop, boop, boop. It crumbles. Don't hit me with that struggle stroke. I'm not here for that. It was a true struggle stroke. And it was two girls. But did you struggle with both of them? Huh?

Even the girl that you liked more? One of them got it more. One of them got the, you know. She got the struggle. The initial. The initial hard on. The initial hard on, you know. And that was also, and also, let's be honest, I'm fucking, I haven't fucked, I think this

was the first time I was in a threesome situation. Oh, that's terrible. You didn't even set yourself up right. I know, I didn't set myself up for success. You didn't get your full night's sleep in that before? I needed the elliptical. I need a green juice, you know what I mean? Did you take a shower that day?

Huh? oh he showered no no i was showered i was showered listen i was showered i was showered okay i was showered i was looking cute too you know i put a nice little outfit on i was together otherwise obviously you know match the socks two girls wanted to hook up with you obviously had it right and and yeah it was just like so i'm just i'm very i'm just overcompensating like i'm just i probably ate pussy for 90 for the running time of rush hour two i was oh that's too long I mean, like, between two, like, I'm eating ass. I'm just getting wild in there.

You're eating ass? I'm trying to, like, make up for my horrible penis. Yo, now. You're showing. You know what I mean? Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Are you going ass to cat? Because you're eating two asses and two pussies.

Oh, interesting, interesting. Oh, man. This was all, they all got yeast. They got yeast. They got MSG. They got dumpling booty. They all got potato bread in between their things. yeah it was um it was a brutal outing and you were sober eating ass i was i mean i had a like

a drink or two but yeah that's not enough yeah i need to be full on i was i was embarrassed about my play-doh dick showing yo i'm more embarrassed about eating ass i'm just trying to mix it up i'm just yo stop it baby yo i hope venetia don't listen to this episode she's not gonna like it but your dad might. I just, so, because in my mind, like,

if you're not feeling it with one person, you could maybe be like, I mean, you gotta come up with the courage to be like, if I'm not feeling it,

I'm not eating ass. No, no, no, but I'm saying like, if like, you're not in the zone, listen, I'm not eating ass. I'm not a people pleaser,

so that's that. Yeah, I'm a people pleaser. I don't give a damn about how you feel about me. I'm definitely not eating. You're gonna get this semi-hard dick.

You're gonna take it and you're gonna like it. I'm gonna lay down Well, it's your fault You might need to go in there And work yourself out In the bathroom, girl Listen, I have my

Fucking electric toothbrush Why don't you use this On yourself for a second? I would've been like You ain't got no toys? Where are the toys? Wait, so what happened? That's when I was

The most envious of lesbians It's like Oh, imagine just strapping on A beautifully hard penis Right now You needed a strap on To tag you out That's what you needed

Yo, I'm gonna go get some water i'm tagging in the strap on i just have a backup strap on that i wrap it like it can't be plastic though you know it's like i wrap it in like ham you wrap it in ham so it's flesh you know wait i want to know how this ends i know people listening are like well what the hell i mean there's no good ending it's just like you definitely don't come they don't come uh i came i listen i ate a girl pussy so one of them came you know uh and then no she just started shaking it was like probably yeah she had to be up in the morning she did she had work i

felt bad for her dude um but uh you know it was a tough situation and uh and you never spoke to them again one of them texted me but it's like what are we gonna fucking that's we gotta we gotta throw that out that's throw it away no but didn't you want to like fix it you're like yo i gotta give them another try so they i did but i also understood that i didn't deserve sometimes you gotta take the l and keep moving you know maybe i deserve stop me you deserve more i mean it was also like i was also like it was yeah it kind of set me on the right that was like i got to turn my life around that you're like this was like last thursday i can't be i can't be fucking you know

mushy banana dicking women down you're caught out there I hate you so much right now yo that is wait so did you tell

your roommate you had to tell your roommate about this oh yeah yeah and he was like after it ended he was like so you wanna get some food

yeah yeah yeah I told him over some fucking chubby hubby Ben and Jerry's your friend probably was like it was the dumplings man the extra dumplings you didn't need all that

it's that soy sauce the sodium is what made you down you're blaming it on the crips blame it on the creeps blame it on the grace yeah yeah you gotta blame it on something star rose what can what can you leave us with please is there a lesson in any is there a lesson i don't know i feel like the fact that you're so honest and you you don't take yourself too seriously yeah and you just realize like hey things are gonna happen you know i'm gonna be

big i'm gonna be small it doesn't matter you gotta be yourself you're right are you trying to be small are you trying to lose weight um i'm just trying to feel healthier overall so it's like i'm eating i'm eating less sugars i'm eating less carbs you know what i mean like what like what's the what's your day like in the morning what you eat what's your food pyramid today all right today i started with uh i do a smoothie because i got to get my greens in that way because i'm like a baby i'm like a dog you have to feed medicine to you know it's like that's how i am with spinach yeah yeah um so i made a i made a little berry berry spinach you know broccoli rob smoothie broccoli rob is gross it's got good nutrients though yeah but in a in a juice i feel like it makes it bitter

no it's not bad i put a little greek yogurt in there put some berries in there i don't want bananas are sweet if you don't have a banana in the smoothie banana or pineapple yeah but pineapple got the little strings they got the little Like the little, you like, like have you ever put mango in a smoothie? You got to pull the little mango leaves, like hairs out. The pubic hairs, the mango pubes. I'm sorry, I'm just. And yeah, you know, I'm eating like fucking, I'm trying to eat like fish and veggies.

I've been, I have been on a big. Stay away from tilapia. Really? It's terrible. It's farmed. But most fish is farmed. I'm going salmon and tuna mostly. Okay.

And then, you know, I'll throw some chicken thighs in the mix. A lot of squash. chicken thighs oh yeah fuck a chicken breast that's my i will die on that hill fuck breast it's too fucking dry thigh thighs where it's at it's nice and juicy we had chicken thighs i was good oh was that yes oh i put a little chicken thigh salad i didn't know you was in love with me so uh chicken thighs yeah but like your roommate i'm sure is still like eating crap he's trying to get in the mix too he's he's in the place where he got a girlfriend and she's awesome the first time in our lives he's had he has a girlfriend that doesn't suck and and he's had shout out to

her yeah shout out to natalie natalie rules and um and uh and so he's trying to get it together but he's in that like in a relationship and happy shit so it's like it's a struggle to get him to get him in the right zone so you gotta do you man you can't live with somebody else i know i know you got things to do he let me down we started self-improvement sundays where we go

where we go fucking we go meal prep we go to the grocery store we clean the apartment we you know we meal prep we cook some shit we marinate the chicken thighs

for the week you know you need to put this on instagram this little insta story you know what that's a good idea self-improvement sundays

I love it it's a great hashtag and then maybe me and Marie will get on we'll jump on that it's just gonna be me washing my hair it's gonna be me

rubbing my edges and me at your house with the chicken thighs. Summer movement Sundays. That's great. So yeah, and I'm biking. I got a bike.

I'm biking places. Yeah, you biked here from Queens. From Queens. I can't even believe it. How long did that take? Nice 45 minute ride. That's cute.

And you got a little windbreaker bubble jacket going on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I know you're sweating your life away. Yeah, it's a ski. I think it's a ski jacket.

You got a ski jacket on? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically you putting aluminum foil on. That's what it is. I thought it was going to be much colder than it was going to be. But you're losing water weight.

there you know what i mean um would you ever waste train yeah hell yeah you want to have dick look bigger yeah i think your next photo shoot like for the holidays you should be in front of a fireplace with a waste trainer on i've done i've done a fireplace look you know i feel like you should do it yeah yeah yeah like a burt reynolds oh that's not bad crepes that's good roasting on an open fire so what's the goal with the instagram we're wrapping it up first of all what's the instagram page stavi baby 2 s-t-a-v-v-y baby 2 it's so good the number follow it i love it so much um so what's the goal you're trying to like sell flat tummy teas you're trying to like yeah

50 yeah i don't know i mean i just like i like doing it it's fun you know um listen if they gave that tired ass fat jew whatever his name is something they can need to give you a deal thank you yeah i'm trying yeah no but you're actually funny yes he has a team that comes up with stuff you're hilarious shit thank you guys appreciate it oh geez i'm blushing over here yeah you are we see it um yeah i mean listen if you need if you need a plus size spokesperson for your brand holler at me holler at him i'll be a fucking i'm trying i'm trying to get in in there do some real modeling jobs um i think you should team up with a woman too yeah there we go get some because i feel like uh when a man is confident in his body just as it is it's almost like well

you're a dude fuck you right like when you get a woman in there if you're doing kind of like dj collin uh it proverbs or whatever to have them like wake up major key i want a stavi major key okay like sure i feel like you can work on that for women that's good that's a good idea well Also, like, when it comes to, like, body positivity, like, with women, because, like, the plus-size blogger movement is huge online. It's really big. Like, they got, like, hundreds of thousands of followers. They got, like, limited edition swimsuits at Forever 21.

Like, they get... Right, right, right, right. They do, like, collaborations, because it's, like, women are doing it. It's great. So, if you do link up with a chick to do what you're doing, I think that your visibility will increase, and people will maybe start taking you, like, legit seriously. Seriously. I mean, because people like me and Marie, they don't want to see that.

I mean, what are we at, 8,000 followers? Not enough. I mean, we should get 100K, too. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're like, oh, they're thin and they look good. Right, right, right. Are they black?

Yeah. We already have a black on the roster. Venetia. Stop it, baby. Let's wrap it up. Tell people listening where they can catch you. Yeah. If you got, like, a show.

Do you have a monthly show? we have uh yeah we actually we just started a show that's going actually twice a month okay bi-weekly the second and fourth monday second and fourth second and fourth mondays at come on everybody in uh bedside brooklyn yes it's a good it's a good spot uh it's called funny moms okay i run with the guys i do my podcast with um uh follow me on instagram stop your baby too staff comedy on twitter i uh my podcast called come town come town it's very offensive it's very dumb it's three guys just shitting on each other basically okay and then i also do a basketball podcast called the white chocolate nba pipe cast uh which is an homage to uh jr smith

okay uh jr dusty smith yep stay in the nightclub buy your bottles it's like see this is why you're the court yeah you buying magnums of gray goose bro that's why magnums of gray goose i'm telling you i've seen it dude i'm not ready okay so so yeah that's every that's all the plugs that's perfect stabby baby s-t-a-v-v-y baby two and uh that's your like you have a website you have a facebook like it's working people yeah it's just my instagram yeah and my and my twitter of comedy please follow him please follow him slide in his dm yes get in there listen it's coffee season it's big boy season exactly you know let's hit a pumpkin patch find him on uh instagram or tinder and give him another chance for a threesome yeah he needs another chance i

feel like the way you did it was i know it wasn't the right you gotta redeem yourself listen i've been hitting the bike girls trust me the smoothies are coming it's much more smoothie than fucking Chinese food right now. The cum is going to come out like a smoothie. It's going to block me out. Very nutritious. Block me out.

It's coming out. Yo, I got to go. On Instagram, I'm Reezy, R-E-E-E-Z-Y. And my Twitter that I hardly ever use is Miss Reezy,

M-S-R-E-E-E-Z-Y. Sydney? And I'm just Sid B-W on Instagram, J-U-S-T-S-Y-D-B-W. And on Twitter, I'm J-U-S-T-S-Y-D-N-Y-C. and follow us

on Instagram unofficial expert at unofficial expert and then Facebook the unofficial expert. Come see us live too. We in these streets. Check our pages for dates

and make sure you check out Comedy Hype for all your comedy news. Yes, also, and we're doing our half hours November the 29th at Union Hall.

Wednesday, November 29th at Union Hall in Brooklyn. Come to the Instagram page unofficial expert to get the tickets and come say what up.

Please. Cybros might be there. He might. He might His ass might be out He might be He might be giving head After the show

Bye guys Bye