MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Breakup Expert" with Giulia Rozzi

Episode Date: August 11, 2017

Sydnee & Marie are back with another episode of The Unofficial Expert to learn about the art of Breaking up from Giulia Rozzi.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hey hello hello hello welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with sydney and marie hi guys hello sydney what's up how you doing oh i'm good i'm tired i'm like yeah you came in real i want to say cranky but like i'm not i'm not a morning person it's 11 it's 11 i'm not listen two o'clock that's when i'm my best me before that i'm like okay what are we doing let's hurry up because i'm tired what were you doing at two o'clock last night i went to bed mad early i'm just tired i'm like a tired person you know there's such thing as getting too much sleep right like that's a thing well i biked all day yesterday so um i was tired from that so i literally got up early went to brunch with the bike went to a show with the bike damn went to

the city with the bike yeah i'm like oh this bike thing is annoying but it's good i need it because i need the cardio i mean also your legs i mean your legs are already good so i mean i can't really see a difference but they just look like you're you had good legs before yeah but i need the cardio i need to get my uh you had good legs and crappy cardio yeah my i need to get the blood flowing i need to make sure my legs are not itching when i walk in do they itch when you ride the bike no they don't so i'm doing a good job for myself so some of y'all listening might not know this but like sometimes people who are not as active as others when they start to walk or they try to run their legs start itching and that's legit just the blood circulating in your

legs like wait what we stand and move forward mind you i was like oh i think i have like uh the hives or i feel like i have like a skin skin rash or disease sydney would be like i didn't put any lotion on today and i'm like dude it's inside it's underneath the ash but now we know that it's because you know she don't really be walking you you walk to ubers well no i'm actually i don't itch anymore because i'm being more active so i'm doing great great stuff for myself that's beautiful i'm glad because i would walk with you and remember we tried to go to the park for a run and you were like just go on without me and i was like oh my god it was it was so sad and then we went to your sister's boot camp on saturday and i could not keep up i literally felt like i

was gonna faint and then all these people in the park were like well she's the thinnest one why is she not she looks so in shape and it's like nah dude i was doing crunches and i needed like modified everything pick her body i could not i was like i got a lot of weight you couldn't i had a wig on so the wig was heavy as well i was working out with a wig so listen if anybody's interested in coming to the boot camp it's 9 a.m every saturday at washington square park yeah it's great manhattan uh don't wear a wig to boot camp please don't because i feel like that's added weight it's so much weight it's not ready to sweat the wig gets heavy and she had a hat on i had a hat on and then we had to run laps and i was like oh eight all eight and then no then we

had to run extra because y'all were late yeah that's so that boot camp shit it should be for every man's for itself fuck that why the whole group gotta suffer because of a late bitch i know they should have made y'all run the 10 and let me just run a cool eight i said y'all could leave me leave it just leave without me it's fine go on without go on without me anyway that was uh that's what we're doing uh we uh we're getting our summer bodies right for the fall now my shit is gonna be ready by the winter time i'm gonna have a 12 pack when it's like two degrees outside watch under a bubble watch i'm gonna have a midriff on and it's gonna be a like a blizzard going on i'm you're gonna right underneath my bubble coat it's gonna you know you're gonna have like a like a

half bubble coat like a hood rat oh yeah a baby fat i'm gonna have a little baby fat a white baby fat with the raccoon fur yeah yeah yeah with the rat horse fur like a blend with the squirrel oh a blend with like some pigeon oh man i'm having like pigeon feathers and duck okay i was like pigeons don't have fur but sydney what the hell were you an expert in this week uh well i finally cooked for my girlfriend for the first time in three years not for the first time i made lasagna and now i made breakfast and now uh what did you make for breakfast i feel like you made pb and j's or nah girl i made like a cute little uh like uh roasted tomatoes with like uh garlic and cheese like a blended cheese cut a tomato in half threw some cheese on top and then like threw a garlic

at it bitch don't basic basify my shit don't make it basic it was cute the season it was great i made turkey bacon i put it in the oven so it was like dude that's not even turkey bacon you just threw everything in a pan and then cooked it you're a fucking hater listen this is what these are the moves that i'm making in a relationship so last night i made tacos i made uh ground turkey tacos and shredded chicken tacos or whatever and it was so freaking good that i was like these are for her you said it was so freaking good well that's so interesting because we have your girlfriend here to talk about she took some to work they were good yeah she just wanted that stuff out of her house no i bought everything the same day fresh ho from key foods so you know it

goes bad the next day so i definitely had to cook everything right away what you made soft tacos hard tacos i made both she had options okay and then what were the what were the uh accoutrements i had uh obviously we had some tomatoes we had onions we had lettuce we had shredded cheese uh we had sour cream we had a hot sauce mild sauce dude what i feel like tacos is a pretty basic thing to make listen you just gotta shred the girl you're not in a relationship with me I'm just I'm sorry why you did you put my shit down did you cook the ground turkey or I did okay well then that's cooking and I had the seasoning everything okay all right so uh stand down let me live Adrienne was very happy but listen I ate the tacos and I was like man I would want to marry me

today she better have a ring ready for me after these tacos oh my god you think Adrienne's the one that's gonna propose it's not gonna be you honestly I feel like we're just gonna be real uh regular who needs rings y'all both gonna take a knee at the same time who need rings we're in a partnership you don't need a ring we don't need a man we don't need a wedding who needs to do all that shit that's for everybody else so y'all gonna go to justice of the peace yeah that's what we do probably y'all both gonna wear suits pantsuits i'm gonna come in there with a yoga pant a white yoga pant a white lululemon that's disgusting active wear that's gross i'm gonna have white an all-white ivy park uh a little like a veil though like yeah i'm gonna have like a what do

they have those parachute pants i'm gonna have that on maybe like a little uh windbreaker jumpsuit thing a windsuit yes yeah windsuit i'm gonna wear a windsuit for my wedding anyway sydney thank you so much for your fatigue this past week let's talk about what i was an expert at uh i was an expert at uh finding game of thrones uh and not having hbo so uh i'm not can tell y'all what streaming service that i use because i don't need y'all to uh you know clog up the website it's none of your business slide in my dms and i'll tell you what it is um so i was an expert at like just finding like where to stream that but also i was an expert this week at receiving dick pics last time you were here i was like no one ever sends me dick pics they know

better like legit three penises are sitting in my dms right now what no no words just dicks oh yeah that happens to me on facebook a lot and what's crazy is that it'll be like a distinguished older man that i'm like oh it'll be somebody with a salt and pepper haircut salt and pepper yeah and then i'm like yo that don't even that dick don't even match the profile pic that you got going on here yo i've been getting i got a dick last night just a dick and i was like you're not even gonna introduce yourself or your dick no uh good evening no good evening just a dick no uh hey queen peace queen uh here's a picture of my dick let me see it just hold on i'm uh i'm trying to get to my uh dms because you know i didn't accept none of these requests oh you gotta

accept them oh no sydney i don't want to i don't want to accept any of them here's one dick and it's a beige dick i didn't even i didn't even uh that's fucking rude it's still uh fuzzy because i was like no i don't want to see it it looked like a popsicle mind you his name is lost in confusion lost in the confusion uh let me give you another dick hold on at him somebody at him lost in confusion in the confusion i'm gonna rate that penis a good old six i mean it's quite a 6.5 i'm not here for the dick that dick look that you don't have no type of job that dick is on his mom's couch right now it looks like a pullout couch there's another dick i'm not even gonna tap it for you oh that's a black one black dick it looks short it looks short also he looked like he got

chubby hands it looks like it needs a ladder or a stepping stool or something dude i don't know but uh those are the dicks that i got in the last couple days so i was an expert at uh just you know being my best christian self um curving dicks and getting uh getting that game of thrones dick yeah well there was no dick in the first episode but you know whatever oh really no i don't remember i feel like that's why everybody watch it because of the dudes no i watch for the dragons okay i watch for the dragons and john snow if he does it that's it that sounds boring wow just people were running home to go watch fucking game of thrones and i was like i don't get it i had a show and i was like i didn't realize until i left my house that it was game of thrones day and i was

like damn i should just tell her i'm sick i was like i don't understand what the big deal is i don't either but uh our guest is a pretty big deal oh my god such a big deal and we're having a great topic today because i definitely need some help on that um do you i do i'm not good at it do you know what the topic is yes i do because it's not really what it is that you i don't think it is what it's the opposite of what i think you think it is uh our guest today is uh is a comedian she's a writer she's an actress she's our breakup relationship expert and our rebound sex expert oh that's what you need help i need help on that it's julia rossi hey julia hi julia excited by i was like i'll take i like this title it's a great title yeah i mean we don't have to shorten it

for the itunes so we're just gonna be like you're the breakup true true true you're the breakup expert um i've never seen game of thrones just want to put that out there thank you and i have hbo i'll fuck with you thank you it's not on purpose i just get weird about stuff that's in other dimensions of fantasy she's not even using her privilege like how dare you have hbo and you're not even gonna dibble dabble into the game i know i know on hbo movies uh i just watched defiant ones which was so good the documentary dr dre and jimmy i mean uh-huh yeah what's that about oh it's about how dred like the creation of like interscope records and beats okay did they talk about how he used to be his uh ex-wife they uh it wasn't his ex-wife it was a reporter

the reporter she was on but he did beat his wife though did he dr dre he also threw some chick down the stairs yeah it was in the actual like straight out of compton movie yeah they talked about they talked to that woman and him oh she was they let her be in the documentary yeah wow it was really good well that's a defined one right and i also i don't want to say this because i don't want any dick pics do not send them to me but i've never gotten a dick pic i said that last week right here in this living room and somebody two people sent me dicks i had to beg and request them from like people i was hooking up with and i don't know they're like i respect you i'm like don't disrespect me i only want to be disrespected when i request it yeah but i don't want to

dicks are ugly things yeah i don't want to see them if you think i want somebody send you a dick pic with like the dick got a little like suit on a little top hat put a little face on it they're gonna dress him up like mr penis yes with a little monocle yeah please don't send me a monocle right on the tip oh my god sorry yo they're gonna say at the wb yeah they give me a jazz playing in the background kenny g dick pic uh do you think kenny g sends dick pics definitely not really funny on the internet have you do you follow him on twitter oh yeah i think he sends pictures of saxophones that's what he does that's probably his pictures of himself playing the sax he's like do you like

good sax he's real funny if kenny g is listening i would love to be your friend kenny g uh hit us up you could be our sax we're gonna add him on this like add kenny g i'm looking for him on instagram right now kenny g also i want to know what products he uses in his hair uh probably shea moisture uh no he looks like a tressa may type dude yeah you think so yeah definitely tressa may he uses ganye fruit trees he honestly well his stuff be a little uh crunchy so i feel like it looks like a gel yeah like a like a pink gel like from the beauty supply store that costs like 99 cents look at that look at kenny 19 so great 1993 but what does he look like now a black and white curl uh he looks like howard stern oh no kenny he looks like howard's uh clean brother

okay well bump the kenny g we need to talk about uh this breakup expertise you got going on here take us take us through your dating situation yeah like when's the first young first kiss how old are you first kiss seventh grade uh it's funny this week i was in boston and i was i went to the park with my nieces and it was the park where i had my first kiss and like got flooded with um i was like super rejected like when i was a teenager i had like no who has game when they're 12 but like nobody um but still anybody who has game as a kid was molested for sure no anybody who has game as a kid is fat now i probably got like eight kids legit and never left the town they started i was like i always went after guys that like ignored me when i was a teenager

and like into college so it was like my first kiss and then i didn't have any boyfriends in high school i just had like guys that i liked that were like i don't like you i'm like cool i'll call you tomorrow you know uh that was like my thing i didn't have any i wasn't allowed to date in high school i feel like i'm still not allowed to date my parents are not here for it um i people would like write me notes and it was always like the nastiest dude who couldn't really spell and he would like fold it like he wouldn't even fold it cute i don't know if you went to school when people were like oh yeah you had to pull things and the note popped open like a pop-up book and this guy wrote me a note and he asked me out and i was like well you know i gotta

i'm gonna say no but i'm gonna say it nice right and so he thought i liked him because i was really nice about it and uh found out a couple years ago he killed two people and now he's in jail for the rest of his life so dodge that dick yeah i was always the person who liked people so i would go on the yellow pages and look for their phone number i would get their parents number their parents full name i would call the fucking house and ask for them and then they would pick up and then i would hang up that's what i would do i would go to parents full name oh people would always say their mom's first name at school oh yeah you could get i used to my first kiss lived down the street from me so i would walk by his house my sister had a crush and like had hooked

up with his older brother so then when she got a car we would do drive-bys but like i don't even know what we were looking for like oh he's home cool and then and then speed away yeah and then the guy that i gave my first hand job to in high school damn he was gonna be my boyfriend but then he wasn't even your boyfriend no and then he well he got little hands too let me see these little hands no i got like you know what's so funny is i've gotten a lot of a handful of they dick though you have thick hands but they're you do have like three comments on youtube from very uh serious comedy experts that are like funny but her hands are too big or she's got man hands you know they're definitely not man hands but i feel like you have a grip yeah like you definitely need lube when

you doing it like i wouldn't drive i wouldn't dry hand job yeah i was like gripping like logs of salami as a child yeah you look like you can palm a basketball yeah yeah yeah i got i got a pretty sturdy grip but um she said you got wmba hands uh thank you um they also bend back really far like that yeah yeah yeah they've been i know no one can see it oh yeah well so your first hand job was in high school yeah during the movie i do talk about this on stage so sorry for myself but it was during the movie mighty ducks too we called it mighty dicks too because always a comedian and uh um yeah he we couldn't date because his mom got caller id while we were talking that was like i don't know if yeah yeah we call it talk it was like pre-dating so we were talking and then we

had to stop talking because his mom got caller id and he was like why did you call me 30 times it's like oh well you weren't answering and i wanted you know just make sure girl he was thirsty at that young of an age? Yeah. The thirst was real, huh? Why did you call me 30 times? You know, I just want to make sure

you got it. And yeah, so that didn't work out. So I didn't have like my first, you know, mutual relationship where both parties

were in agreement till, let's see, beginning of my junior year of college. So like right before I turned 20. Well, that makes sense.

Yeah. I feel like that's when everybody had like real relationships. a real relationship but i did high school high school is not a real relationship it's not but i do feel like i had a lot of friends who were like my ex-boyfriend this and then this boyfriend and i felt very they were touched by their uncles i'm telling you i mean i'm not gonna okay yeah we'll save it for you sis yeah uh don't write a uh buzzfeed article about

don't listen to this podcast they sure don't um yeah so and then that first boyfriend ended up being the person that i married so we were like you can't marry your first boyfriend wait you were married i was married yeah yeah oh my god that's why she's here to talk about breakups yeah and divorce yeah yeah we were we were together for eight years but we were only married a year whoa yeah so you were together for a seven got married lasted for a year yeah we broke up um i i broke up we broke up once for real and then a second time it only lasted like a few days but he's great we're still friends he's like yeah but wait why seven let's back up let's why seven like you spent seven years without marrying him and then all of a sudden you were like you know what

oh my god let's just tie it in that how long is this podcast um you got uh yeah you got some time it's uh we you know so you guys dated junior year and senior year of high school uh college uh half of junior year half of senior year and then after that up until yeah like for years so how does that how does that work he we we were very we were friends before we ever dated okay so like our relationship was very friendship based so you would be in a relationship and then he would come and like hold your hand and make you feel better if the guy was like we would both be in relationships and then when one of us yeah like he was like the guy would go to get advice i'd be like i just blew this guy why isn't he calling me and he's like oh no yeah i know um i really

i really had good self-esteem and um so i uh yeah so we just we fell in love and he's wait now this sounds like a like a rom-com like a white people romantic comedy movie like he's ashton kutcher and you're obviously emila kunis yeah because he's very white i'm like i just we just assumed okay sydney were you assuming he was when she said we talking i was like maybe when you when you said that no we were talking in high school it's so funny the guy i was talking to high school was black i know that i could say no but i mean my ex-husband is like white white like i'm like like polish ethnic white he's like maine white yeah yeah yeah cape cod white cape cod white cape cod caucasian get it tan okay but you're italian i'm italian yeah you're still white

you can catch a cat a hundred percent i use my privilege when i can but i also feel good that i can walk through certain neighborhoods and be like what i'm latina like what are you really you're like okay i'm definitely jenny from the block i'm like i'm whatever you need me to be well i mean listen jennifer lopez is white in all of the movies that she's in she's italian yeah and she's definitely not puerto rican and enough no and gilly i think she was uh like super uh italian i just feel like when you have like my parents are immigrants i feel like when you have that it's hard for me to be like i'm what i'm not white white because there's like a grunge uh when you next to us girl you are white white okay no but i know what you mean about your

parents being immigrants like my parents are immigrants too and i feel like when i talk to black folks i'd be like where are people from and they'd be like here and i'll be like you just regular black yeah so like you're not regular way you're yeah you know your story about the lunches right yeah the food yeah i mean that's my life yeah the way that my parents pack food yeah it's like like something's gonna spill so let's tape it throw it in a bag yeah like so many bags make it look like a rope make it look like so many bags um so you were married to this dude you guys got a divorce how did that end um so basically i was before i got married i i knew this okay so i didn't know what else to do with my life so i suggested we get married because

everyone else was getting married and it felt like the right thing to do and what you should do and all that like should shit that is very if anyone is listening and you find yourself saying the word should a lot that should be an alert then that goes for like career for anything yeah like i should be do this i should do this it's my job yeah i should like this person they seem really great like and if you're high also my therapist is like whenever your voice goes into a higher optics i'll be like i don't know i should kind of like that means i'm lying to myself but i feel like my voice is there pretty often but that's just because i'm like trying to pull a point i'd be like what but i said to him yeah but that's still you still have that like you're

not like i don't know like that like whiny mickey mouse yeah mickey mouse help um so before you guys got married you kind of oh i knew i was like losing my mind i was like i was living in new york and then i was like we should get married and move to the suburbs of boston because i don't know what i'm doing with my career i like wanted to quit everything i was like i should be normal like did you have any girlfriends like like like did you have any girls around you telling you like no i mean there's something else you could do better like it will well the do better is a tough one because he's a great guy like we really it wasn't like we were arguing it there wasn't we were just really uh passive aggressive terrible no the sex was good like it was i mean i didn't

have a ton of intercourse comparisons i only had sex with one other person so yeah yeah so you don't even know girl you have nothing to judge but now i do judge and it was it was good like we we communicated remember all those you remember all them strokes like so many years ago different strokes for different folks but it was it was just it was bad like we i knew then i was like oh man if only i had met this person i mean i can't guarantee but like maybe if we had met 10 years later it would have been different but it was just like not the right time so you said he's a good guy what where was he working did he what was the occupation like tv production really creative and amazing and like supportive that's what you need yeah health insurance and

of no he had insurance okay yeah yeah like it was it just the friendship was stronger than i think for me i i can't speak for all relationships but i have found that like for me it kind of has to be equal parts everything so it's like it can't be like i want to be friends with them but we can't be more friends than we are like passionate but it can't be all passion and no friendship in a relationship i agree you know what i mean like and i also have to feel their family in the sense of they'll like take care of me and we have each other's back but i also don't want it to be like ew you're like my brother like you know like there's it's gotta kind of all work in a balanced way okay and i felt like in that relationship the friendship part

dominated any passion so you married your friend zone that's what you did you married your friend y'all were fist bumping in the bedroom like there was some high-fiving that would happen you pat him on the back good job good job way to hustle way to hustle yeah yeah yeah yeah so it ends and now you're divorced so what just to back up one second i will say friend zone because again if anyone's listening i think it's very easy to do that because if you think about it in my head i thought relationships were jerks who ignored me that i had to follow right and chase around and be like hi remember me or a guy that's really fucking cool in my buddy i didn't know that there was like something else else right so yeah one more question so who's your

girlfriends at the time like i just want to know who your friends were they weren't telling you to go out there they weren't out there being like yeah he's a good guy but like i feel like you need more experience i yeah i had friends who mentioned it or tried to talk about it what they say i mean i had a couple friends when i was leaving new york i had two of my really good friends be like um what do you what you're so you're quitting life like they were like very but i'm very good or used to be very good at swaying people to get on board like the you know when you like okay so you know when you ask someone's opinion but you do it in a way where you're where you're telling them what you want okay i'll be like okay do you guys think i

should stay in new york by myself or move to boston with this guy get married live in an apartment rent free that my dad owns and like save money and like real like and i would like well girl you didn't say that up top that sounds great yeah yeah like a duh girl uh you should have gotten married did your dad do your dad still have that building yeah he did i'll save money in boston yeah yeah so i was really i i think i was really good at minimizing i i've learned to be less good at and i've learned to be better about telling people like hey i'm in a really bad place and i'm upset or i'm like feeling depressed but i think like a lot of people i'd be like no i'm fine you know i'm really good at um just seeming fine and then

when i'm not fine and people ask me i'm good at yelling at them until they leave me alone so i'm doing really well yeah yeah yeah yeah we all have our yeah our methods but yeah i don't know it's it's just at the time it seemed like what i should all caps red letters be doing so who did the who initiated the divorce yeah i initiated getting married and the divorce damn yeah boo you two for two yeah you're winning yo you're a great team game team player right here i love it you win it when you said you wanted to get a divorce was he like like oh my god thank you so much for saying that or was no i mean the part of the problem with our dynamic was he yes in improv he yes and me when i needed more of a um i think we should talk about this like he

Yes-ed me a lot. Okay. And then I think, I mean, I can't speak on his behalf, but I'm sure if someone were to talk to him now deeply about it, he'd probably be like, no, I actually was mad, but I didn't know how to express it. Because we just never wanted to hurt each other's feelings. So there's just a lot of enabling.

I feel like real love, real, real love is hurting somebody's feelings every, like every other conversation. Oh, yeah, yeah. My feelings get hurt all the time now in my relationship. Oh, yeah. But in a, like, I'm growing way. i'm rolling my eyes i don't know if i'm growing but like rolling my eyes you hurt heavy hurt

someone's feelings every other conversation and uh maybe throw something at them oh i don't know about that okay well that's that was my that was my relationship after my marriage okay so okay so i initiated it yeah so i basically was like i what i said verbatim was i feel like i could take a shit on your face and you would just wipe it away and go ah julia like you said that julia yeah see this is how in the movies you turn up missing that's right there your body would be in a mean way i just was like this is ridiculous like i'm because i was acting out i was like not coming home at night i was like and he just was like he's like have fun you see that it's good that you left because it sounds like he was getting ready to start training yes to fight and then

he was gonna be jennifer lopez in enough and oh yeah that's what it felt like no he is that is not the way i would have made i do not anyone any defamation of character of my ex no he's a great guy it's just us we are terrible people it's not like he was j-lo for sure uh so much j-lo talk i thought i was j-lo now he's j-lo who is j-lo um yeah no and and then he was kind of i think he was in denial at first and then we talked about it and then he finally i think he got up once i was like so which one of us is moving out he was like oh you're serious and i was like yeah because i was a very boy who cried wolf kind of i think person in my 20s like i would get like harebrained schemes i'd be like okay oh my god i have this audition tomorrow and i think i'm gonna get it

and then i'm gonna be rich and then i'm and like so i had a lot of that so i think there was a little part of him that was like okay julia julia's getting a divorce here she goes again with one of her like wacky ideas and then when it really started to be real we like didn't we obviously didn't talk why would you say which one of us is moving out is your isn't your dad's building no no no oh sorry we had moved back to new york oh yeah okay yeah we were in new york we moved to williamsburg because what was happening was when i got married we moved to i had this harebrained scheme where i was like all right everybody and i'm really i'm good i should have gone into like i don't know politics or being a lawyer or something like that but like if only i

could use this for my career but i um i'm really good at like convincing everyone like i said it's a good idea so i was like all right here's the plan we're gonna move to boston we're gonna get married we're gonna live rent free we're gonna save some money then maybe i'll like work on a new project and like everything's gonna be great right and then i was just after that happened after like a month i started coming to new york by myself for like a couple days then like a weekend and then like that is a red flag yeah and i was spending he let you yeah you heard he was like have fun adrian would be like okay i'm coming with you oh yeah so okay yeah so so then well i don't want to jump the gun but then the relationship i had after was

beyond the opposite of this okay so it was almost like the three bears it was like too hot that's what i was gonna say when i was right thinking of everything you were i was like wow she's really goldilocks yeah but that's the thing is like part of and i mean i don't know if i'm going off the expert topic no you're good i do think that you know it's really easy to look at past relationships as like in anything even like the guy that i give a handjob to like all of it included as like mistakes or shame or embarrassment or failures but they all lead you to the next and they all teach you something like I'm you know it not everything I've done has felt good at the time but in retrospect I am I truly am grateful for everyone I met because I learned

so much about like what I actually want like I know exactly the kind of person I can be around now it's so funny because everybody is like training to be with the person they're really supposed to be with so everything is yeah everybody is in the practice run like oh this is i'm practicing in this relationship this is not how you really do it this is a scratch scratch paper yes scrap scrap dick i agree i mean it's funny that you speak of uh scrap dick because my ex is getting married he's engaged or whatever okay and everything that he probably did wrong in the relationship with me he probably flipped it he was like oh i was just running a course on that I know how to really treat a woman now.

But I don't think it's like intentional. I don't think someone, you know what I mean? They're not like, I'm going to practice on this person. It's part of growth. It's not intentional, but you know when you have that feeling like, I'm going to be with that person forever. Okay, I feel like what I'm going to say might get me in trouble with somebody. but my ex-boyfriend um would complain about stuff that I was not doing in the relationship right

like he was like you're not contributing enough and he was like I was living in his apartment like rent-free like legit just living lavish in Fort Greene and now I live by myself and every day I'll wake up and be like something will click in my mind like oh you know I was a really bad girlfriend like i know yeah and now my sister's staying with me and doing all this all the things that i was doing to him and i'm like oh my god she's not contributing at all but i see it now i wasn't doing that all the circle oh my god the circle of life is so real but you learn i mean you learn from experience like you can learn from like a book or listening to a podcast or watching a movie but like real lessons stick from experience oh yeah you gotta burn your hand

to be like i i'm not touching that exactly a hundred percent okay so wait you so after the divorce or whatever that was done you got in another relationship now was there a lot of rebounding yeah so we separated so we first did because everything separation is not a full divorce no and you're in the process of divorcing exactly and also because like it's very confusing to get divorced like the paperwork is very confusing it is way easier to get married than is divorced really i didn't it was so many documents you had to fill out and so and neither of us really wanted to spend any money but then finally we googled fast and friendly and we just paid like 800 bucks and it was really easy that's how much it cost to get a divorce is 800 that was

like the cheapest what's the more expensive option like legit like super divorce i think more expensive is if you had a lot of assets to split like if we had owned like a house and a car and all that stuff i mean it was like he's taking the flat screen and i took like the brita someone told me that it's so much someone told me that it's so much paperwork so that by the time you get to the middle of you're like do we really want to fucking get divorced it's to wear you out and wear you down it's fucked up and make you think hey maybe we should just stay together let's try a little harder yeah yeah and that's what it is try a little harder and is it really worth doing all this fucking sheets of paper dude i don't even know how to like i still don't know how to fill

out like an 1190 or a 1099 what is what is that what is a 420 i don't even know they're like how many exemptions are you claiming i always just put three i don't even know what that means yeah i think you get more taken out but then i get more back with my refund maybe i don't know where are you going to jail it's fine yeah she does her taxes all fucked up right to me i need pen pals um so yes so uh a lot of our relationship and maybe it was just me at that time i was a big procrastinator so i think i just also just procrastinated a divorce like in my head we were done but it just was like oh i gotta go fill out this thing so we separated he moved out and he moved out that was my next question i immediately i call it burning sage um had sex

with someone like a week later just to like get it out get it out and get new in you got to cleanse the coochie palette that's what you got to do and uh yeah and i so i hooked up with two people and then the third person i hooked up with and this is it was a month later it just stuck and we stayed together for like venus flytrap you got in your shorts like three and a half years three and a half years something about you you were long term bitch you are not funny thing is i didn't think that i was but you are but you are but you are though i know as an adult i'm looking at your track record yeah eight years yeah then three wait eight years eight years first boyfriend i know but i but the thing is my demeanor like i in my like i i love people pretty easily but

i'm also like very uh horny okay i was like um what's the word not horny but like i think if i had been single like there was part of me that was like i wonder if like the universe made me be in a relationship for my early 20s because i would have been like to stop you from being a whole yeah the universe works in your favor i mean who knows who knows because let me tell you boo yeah i got some uh miles on mine i've definitely how many miles but there's nothing wrong with miles there's i mean uh but yeah so the relationship after was like the opposite he was ethnic his parents were immigrants so i was like oh because also No, when you say ethnic, what does that mean?

Indian. Yeah, I was thinking brown. Yeah, and I just kept going shades down until I found the right color palette that worked with my skin. Like, this is my skin tone. Yeah, but no, I, so in that other relationship, I felt like I was super, I was like, oh, I'm dysfunctional. I'm fucked up because here's this nice guy.

His parents are super in love. He's the best. I'm fucking nuts. I'm the one who can't make a decision. I'm the one with crazy immigrant parents that, like, argue all the time. so i was like this is my problem right like i really made it me okay then when i met someone who was also immigrant parents we were like i was like your dad hit you my dad hit you high five you know like that and he was very passionate he was very protective and jealous and like

all the things like he would never have been he was the fire to the other guy's yeah like literally if i was late at night he would call like five you know what i mean like it couldn't of been more opposite so my head i was like oh well i guess this must be love and i like i mean i was so i was so into the like we'd always argue in the rain and i broke his phone oh no and the rain yeah see we don't do that no no no whatever we got to talk about we could do it in the house or under some shelter like i got into a quiet argument with my ex-boyfriend at the train uh steps not we didn't even go down the stairs we were at the top of the steps on the sidewalk arguing and people that we knew kept walking by so we had to be like oh yeah yeah yeah what are

you talking about like like yelling through our teeth yeah and hi hey carol how your mama doing she good okay i'm gonna kill you i'm gonna kill you tonight so i can't imagine i mean it wasn't raining because i'm a black woman it was very like uh we were not friends it was like purely just this passionate you know all of our i don't know it was just and that was three years three and a half okay i'm gonna ask this question again so who was your friend during that time so during that time i did have i i in the very beginning i had some friends be like um i don't know about this guy like he doesn't really do you have a best friend because i feel like the best friend will always let you know yeah i'm not feeling him you know i had people kind of slowly say it

but again because i was so i was really depressed the year that i was married and the year leading up to that because i knew that i wasn't being myself like i felt like i was trapped in another body and so because this person was doing all the things that i like my ex-husband loved me but he wasn't like verbal you know what i mean whereas this new guy would just like put me on a pedestal and like compliment he was like but also like kick that pedestal yeah oh absolutely if it got too high but like he always humbled you yeah it was yeah but it was like it was very and i was eating it up so hard and it's you know i think you put out what you need at that time i needed that at that time i also i moved in with him very fast he lived next door to his mom so i had this immigrant

mom like you know girl you're a telenovela right here well the mom was making dinner so you was over there eating curry yeah exactly which i have not had since we broke up because i'm like it's like ah but um i'm sure your ass is grateful yeah um so when you when you walk by a halal truck do you get like flashbacks yeah start like twitching but definitely like first avenue where all those guys are like come in we have samosas i'm like no oh your ex ruined indian food for you yeah it's fine but um but yeah i mean i did and then toward the the last year that we were together there was like a lot of lying on his behalf and my friends started to be like okay come move in with like they were sort of trying to help facilitate

it but the thing with telling your friends to break up with people is it's real tricky because again like you've got to touch that stove and burn your hand right because you know because you tell your friend to leave somebody that you think that or you can see that is not a good fit for them and then that person stays with them and then it's like well i guess we just go the three of us it's gonna be awkward as fuck that's what it is gonna be awkward and then i know that i don't like him so now i gotta sit at lunch or dinner or whatever with him and he know that i don't like him because she didn't ran her mouth exactly and told him how i feel yeah so now it's awkward now i can't go to this restaurant because yeah because he there like exactly but i love that i love um

what is it what's my favorite thing drunken noodles i love drunken noodles now he didn't fucked up drunken noodles for me exactly i mean i think you can't i what i would have what i what worked best with me at that time and what i try to do with friends when they're in similar situations is like you listen you say you know like i support whatever you do but you know i just care about you and i want what's but like you have to kind of you you can be upfront and honest with them every relationship is different the same way every romantic relationship is different every friendship is different you have some friends where you can just say it and it's cool other friends you can't it's tricky like but it's also not my friend's responsibility to get me

out of a relationship i have to learn but it's your friend's responsibility to be like a good friend yeah like this is not this six we're not doing this i also wasn't telling them everything that was wrong yeah but they still were like dude like based on what they were seeing they were like you should come stay with me yeah toward the end when i started to be more upfront about like the problems we were having they were like uh so yeah we ended up the reason why that the final straw though like there's a lot of things that were wrong but the final straw was that i was doing a solo show about my marriage and he didn't

like me putting all my business out there because I talked about like my first hand like I talked about all those things I mean but that's I think that's valid though like as a person who's teenage shit also it's not like he met me and I was like a nurse and then I became a comedian

like he met me hearing me talk shit on stage and was so attracted to it and now he probably was like ooh if this don't work out this bitch gonna say everything i was doing first thing out of his mouth when we broke up was are you gonna tell everyone everything i did wrong yes like yeah that will be a yes because here's the thing is in my marriage and in that relationship i absolutely know i made mistakes i would not be ashamed of any of those mistakes were out there because i'll be like yeah yeah i was young yeah sorry about that yeah but

you don't that's like dating a performer you're a comic and you're dating somebody who's a comedian even when i meet somebody and they find out i'm a comic they're like is this gonna go in one of skits and i'm like first of all i don't do skits that's not what this is and you know people are afraid that you're going to talk about them so it they should stay in line as soon as your dick goes i mean you signed a waiver you sure did that is a waiver that is a legally binding contract as you release that's the release yeah so wait how'd you break up with this dude oh so he uh it was it was not great it was like he said he had a problem with the show blah blah we argued had another argument and then i was like i like i can't do this i'm leaving oh i tried to break up with him

a few times over that past year because things were going south and he would you know beg and be like i'm going to therapy i'll die without you like a lot of that guilt he brought up his mother's curry yeah he did he did a lot of victim stuff and and because but here's the thing is i was so so talking about rebounds to get into that expert thing i'm not going to tell and you know everyone does whatever they want to do but i will suggest like you gotta give yourself some time like i was in an eight-year relationship i gave myself zero time i did not want to yeah i didn't want it because i felt like i didn't deserve to grieve because your vagina has to mourn yeah okay for a little yeah a little black veil and because i initiated the breakup i felt like

because i was the bad guy i felt like i didn't deserve time to grieve so wait wait wait wait it if you break up with somebody you're the bad guy no but that's how i felt i don't think that at all oh i i agree with you i'm saying at the time i felt like i just felt like the bad guy i felt really fucked up yeah i mean i don't feel i mean when i broke up with my boyfriend i was the bad guy but i feel like that's sometimes you have to leave the bad guy or sometimes there's no bad guys just we're not good for each other guys 100 there's just energy it's not good and so when i met that second boyfriend i was in such a vulnerable place i just wanted something to distract me from myself which i think a lot of people do when they stay stuck in a relationship

you're like well if i put and especially because he seemed more fucked up than me i was like well great the same way i was my ex-husband's project this guy will be my project and i just wanted to like so when he would come to me crying being like i can't live without you i'd be like i guess this is like if i see a man cry and say i can't live without you no i definitely i'm packing my things i'm putting a different wig on i'm changing my life i'm changing my first name because those guys why would you say i can't live without come on dude you were living i don't know 30 years previous to me without me i agree with everything that is if i see a man cry then my pussy is dry how about yes yes yes yes yes um man man tears like sham wow my vagina it's just like

It depends what the tears are about. No, they're always making me cry. How about, are you crying during this movie about her? Like, really? I don't mind being in the crowd for a while. Are you crying at your mother's funeral right now? I'm like, wow. Lift your skirt up, man.

What's going on? Tuck your dick, boy. Tuck your dick. But that's just me, and that's probably why I have a man now. We're rude, yeah. So, let me see how much time we have left. I just want to see. so can you give anybody who's listening like tips on how to properly rebound or like how to

probably okay so i think i did it properly after that one okay so now i'm like single for the first time in 11 years and i move in with a girlfriend who's also recently single good yeah you gotta stick together in williamsburg so i move into a young hot neighborhood okay with a thriving yep thriving and just start fucking um and just started going up to people that i had always wanted to have you know like people you kind of keep in the back of your head you're like oh i was single just started going up to all of them it's really i will say it's a lot easier because i'm a comedian so it was like people i knew and i was like wait was it civilians or you were like hooking up with comedians comedians and some civilians oh it's fine moment of silence

well your current boyfriend is a comedian so it's fine yeah and i worked out yeah i was going into people that i like that i knew a lot of them were like friends and i was like i've always wanted have sex with you and they were like what and i was like i was and they're like what's the catch i'm like literally literally just my pussy no like i have so much time to make up for i need to get my numbers up fast like i know i fall in love easy so like let's get so i guess the trick to it is to just i just was being honest like i was being like brutally honest with people i was just like this is where i'm at i just got a relationship like i anything any advice that had ever been given in like a fucking magazine or a tv show i was just like fuck that like i talked

about inappropriate things on first dates if so you went on dates you weren't just going up to people let's fuck you weren't getting were you getting like a little pasta you were no i was mostly just fucking i got like a couple breakfasts okay so it was after y'all didn't fuck okay i didn't i didn't want to i would say for like the first six months it was mostly just fucking okay and like connecting with people yeah just it was really fun and it was interesting because i felt like i was hooking with a lot of people that had also gone through a breakup or like i was really magnetizing people that were sort of in a similar place of me like oh my god i've always been in long-term really and i'm trying was this in the summer because

i feel like in the summer that is when people go hey oh yeah it was may and i was like wearing a like a romper that you pull to the side i don't want to magnetize with people who are going through the same thing as me i want you to be going through something completely different i want you to be like in a different place financially i want you to be working in a different field i want you to maybe not know who your dad is like i just i need you to be completely different than me i mean i i had all sorts but because i was very specifically not wanting a boyfriend i was okay hooking up with someone who was like going through a lot of shit because i'm like oh this is just gonna be hooking up and maybe like a coffee date i feel like those people who are going through a

lot of stuff are the ones that gonna call you in the middle of the night like hey i just wanted you to know that like it's getting pretty bad on the like i don't want to talk to you and you just say i don't want to talk yeah maria is cold and she is ice queen she doesn't want you to be um a vocal i want you to feel things yeah speak to me she wants you to be a stone i'm afraid that if i if i shut somebody who's like a little bit broken if i shut them down too harshly which is what i'm gonna do i'm afraid they're gonna be like waiting for me at my mailbox like hey but marie shuts people down all the time and nobody's waiting at your at your doorstep you need a key to get into the door uh not in this building they'd be letting anybody come through

somebody was letting me in while i was ringing buzzing your bell uh yeah the other day i was coming out of that little area and there was a homeless man asleep and i was like really exactly so if somebody really want to come at you they can't call you at 2 a.m okay so you need to rebound properly i think rebound properly and also and i hope this makes sense and i feel like you marie is gonna disagree but um just picking up on her vibe but um i also i think being in the moment and this goes for everything in life is so important and i think especially with relationships it's very easy to be with someone and of course naturally like your past shit comes up and then you're already planning the future and you're like

and all this stuff and what I really did when I was rebounding was I was being in the moment so when I was like hooking up with people I was there I really felt like positive caring energy for them while we were like I felt like the sex I was having was really connected with a lot of people and that might sound whatever but I was in the moment and so it it when my head wasn't like where is this going or like oh okay yeah and so I felt like a lot of my exchanges with these people and this is getting like very like woo-woo energy but the energy was like respectful and balanced and nice because i was actually there how old were these people they sounded uh yeah they sound like they might be interesting aged you know what i gotta say is it was better and better the younger

they were also they were just respecting you because you was older than them oh maybe it was respect your elders that's what it is respect my elders did they call you uh miss miss rodney I made them call me ma'am. They were like, oh, I'm going to come, ma'am. Mama Rozzy. Excuse me. Where should I come? No, but yeah.

I don't know. It was a really, you know, I mean, I would cry, but I would also give myself time to like cry in my shower. Not while I was having sex with them. I was like, girl. But I was really good about like having nights where I was like, you know what? And the other thing I would suggest too, if you are rebounding and you tend to be codependent and find yourself in relationships easy

is you also have to kind of learn to self-soothe and not run to your friends all the time. Yes. Because that was the thing was like, I would start to feel sad and instead of feeling sad because, oh, I'm fine, I would grab the phone. And like, I'm not saying you shouldn't call people.

Of course, if you're like hitting, you know. Don't call them if your friend is Marie Foster. Don't call them. Oh, you shouldn't be calling me anyway. Don't FaceTime me either. It was a really thing that I needed to learn to make my next relationship good, which is self-soothing and being like what do i actually think and what do i actually feel

and some of those times would be like i would just cry for an hour and then i'd dust myself off and go do something productive instead of being on the phone with like friend after friend after friend being like i don't know what do you think yeah it's gonna be okay yeah got another call that's the the pizza yeah that i ordered again not but just learning to to pick and choose when you actually need help and when you're just when do you call your friend when do you actually call i think when you need to stay at her place no or when you i mean god like if you're feeling fucking suicidal of course if you feel if you're like if you have had a realization and you're like hey i want to run this by you and like talk it out but i think if you're just in that moment of panic

and you're not even letting yourself be honest with yourself about what it is because it's sometimes when you're having a fit or breakdown like every time i've had a breakdown i've come out of it with something amazing a new knowledge about myself that hurts but is amazing that's so real that is i mean i'm right here think about all the times i picked up the phone call people i'm like that was dumb it's not dumb i mean i still don't get me wrong like i'm sure i have friends who might be listening you gotta self-soothe yeah man i guarantee you i have a friend who would hear this and be like bitch but i'm trying to learn because that's where you'll make better decisions after that okay

what's a what's a good like breakup line not the it's it's you it's not me but like something equivalent to that oh i just think it's it's just being honest i think trying to make it not i think that what happens a lot in breakups is people even if it is quote unquote the other person's fault it's never just one person's fault right because like the person i was with for almost four years i could right now be like and he lied about this and this and this but you know what i chose to say i enabled the behavior i tried to change him i shamed him when he didn't do what i thought was right i mean i did a lot so when i broke up with him he was like i know i did a lot of things wrong i was like yes but we're it's it's not you're wrong i'm wrong this this just isn't

right and i think you know someone might not believe that but i think if you can take ownership of your part in it it makes it easier for you both to heal when i hear this just isn't right i get like i feel crazy i feel like now we're gonna make it work let's let's make it right what i gotta do to make it right but the thing is then when you get into a new relationship yeah but then it's what i gotta do to make it right yeah what's her name is yanda oh yeah oh i love i'll get her and to fix to fix this relationship yeah no i'm not doing that if you're telling me it's not my my line was uh yeah i can't do this anymore and it was like what do you mean and then we talked for like i feel like two days and then i left and he was like hey you want to go see a

play and i was like i just i left your keys there like why would you like sometimes you try to break up with somebody and then they're like no we're just talking oh yeah how do you deal with somebody like that you say because that's what happened with my last he was like sending me a picture he had a dog but it like kind of became my dog right you know and he would send me he's like the dog misses you or like hey can you and i was like i i'm i can't i can't comfort you through this breakup that's what's happening that's what your friends are for yeah that's where the call john yeah or call tyrone and i wanted you know i i don't like having bad energy with anyone but with that one i had to be like he might hate me but i don't care because i can't i have to get

out of this pattern of like caring what other people think because that also makes you codependent wait so wait how long did it take you to get into a relationship that you're in now okay so i promised myself and i know it's not going to sound like a long time but for me considering my track record i was like i have to be single at minimum a year i was like no that's good yeah i was like minimum i can like go on dates i can like hang but like i can't be like this is my boyfriend meet my parents for like at least a year were you any dating apps or anything like that um i joined and then like someone would message me and i'd cancel because i was like well i'm not looking for i don't i kind of don't i would love it if it was longer than a year like

i really wanted to explore so i can say around eight months i started to like you know i would go to dinner with someone before we had sex but i'd always be like let's just have sex and like again i've had the salad to go can you wrap up the chicken parm um but i met will who's my current boyfriend uh almost exactly a year to the day wow yeah which was really interesting it's fate the universe is aligning shit for you girl we didn't hook up right away there was like something about his energy where i was like now we'll don't look like he hook up right away he looked like you take your time you open the door no no no he is he his talk about his numbers he is such a whore really oh yeah mr mr miles absolutely not absolutely yes but he's nice but he's nice

he's a nice guy that's probably why he gets it i'm his first girlfriend so you're saying he was he didn't hooked up with mad people but he didn't have a girlfriend girlfriend right yeah he never like he had like people well i'll let him tell his story this is my podcast and um we'll get him on another episode about his shoulders look like long term he looks like a long term well that was the thing because when i first when i first saw him perform he would do all these jokes about rom-coms and like not getting the girl and so i was like oh he's like a and that's also why like he was flirting and i was like oh i feel like if we start hanging out it could go long term and i didn't want that okay um so you friend zoned it

him for a little bit i did and then we like but you're like let's get this dollar pizza real quick now she's a time she's not even just no no no emily's or wherever yeah we i don't know we just had like a slow like we like we're at you know a show we ended up like dancing all night after the show after everyone left and then i was like bye and he like walked me to the train it was like a very will look like he practiced his dance moves before he hung out like in hitch he was just very sweet yeah no will is a nice guy yeah so sweet now how long have y'all been together three we just just three years between your mark and it was but i will say this so this

would be my other advice was with him it was like beyond honesty from the get like we named every comedian we had ever fucked like the like the third night we hung out just really get it out the way these lists um they're fine and um that means more than five just because i don't want him to be at a show talking to someone that i hooked up with and have that other person be like i know a secret and like no will knows and will's fine with it because you have to because comedians run a fucking mouth they don't know how to keep secrets no they tell all their business yeah i mean it goes back to dating somebody dating a comic and then talking about listen i feel like if if you fuck a comic and you a comic there should be like an ndr or something you got a

sign like no you can't mention this shit because like don't be using me as your material like and vice versa that's why i don't bang comedians i mean that's really that's not even why i just don't bang comedians because i don't again it goes back to not wanting to anything that's too similar to me but it's working for you and i love and i approve of him if you were to date a comedian he's one of them but the thing is we have similar okay we have like similar i think hearts and um oh you've seen his heart before no but you know what i'm saying like we have like similar i think we have similar mentalities about how one should behave and morals and beliefs but we're very different as far as like like he likes quiet i talk a lot he is a night

person i'm a morning like we really kind of balance yeah i am that's why i like showed up that's where you came early i was like hello and she walked from her house an hour walk you made me look bad you made me look like a bad host you were here before me um but yeah i don't know it's it uh it's just i i think what works for us and you know very early on i was like i'm not gonna i'm not jumping too far ahead i'm not like i can't i can't imagine us not being together because it works nice it seems like that's what works for you yeah not overthinking or for anybody really is just like being in the moment and then doing it until you don't want to do it anymore and something i would also really advise people because this is something i learned from like

the breakups and whatever is um and it goes to back to reaching out to friends like with him most things every now and then i'll talk to a friend about him but it's nothing that if he heard would be scandalous you know what i mean okay but even when we were starting our courtship i didn't ask friends what they thought of him courtship yeah wow but i didn't even like i didn't ask my friends what they thought i wasn't like i don't know should i text him i didn't everything i went to him like i asked him for advice about our relationship and that to me was a very huge sign because i feel like when you have a friend that's like how do i respond to this guy you're like well if you don't know how to respond to a girl or whatever what are you i'm like bitch you're 35

if you don't know by now like come on girl you don't need me to help you and then i'll be like well write um yeah put the emoji sign here and then one one explanation yeah throw the um eggplant in there too yeah you might as well you didn't fuck with my writing i'll screenshot conversations and send them to my friend but i already know what i'm gonna say yeah yeah i just feel like and then if they tell me to put something i'm like yeah yeah and then i just put the opposite i just think if you're asked if you're talking to your friends more than you're talking to your partner about the relationship then that's that's a sign yeah but sometimes you gotta do that because your friend is vicariously living through you so just make sure i'm entertained so please weird what are

you talking about please send it my way please i mean marie don't hold don't hold back okay well i'm okay so i'm gonna i was in a relationship for three years and now i've been single for three years and so i'm getting back into the dating world i'm saying that but i'm probably not gonna but like i'm i'm i've never been on any of the apps i've never done any like i'm definitely not gonna bang a comedian so like where where should i be looking for my rebound on the q train what do i find so i'm gonna say don't say i'm definitely not gonna about anyone okay okay you know i'm gonna take it back i'm gonna take it back i'm definitely not gonna date a comedian in new york who makes less money than me okay friend get it i approve i approve of

whatever you said you gotta be like a different level comedian than me yes and and sydney has to uh sign off on that and i sign off i didn't put my whole signature on that bitch sent it out it's already uh she's the witness uh okay so god i don't know where you i maybe see she's like i don't even know you're doomed no um wow no but like ask i mean friends to introduce you to people okay that's one thing well it's just me so i don't have nobody for her so step one is get some new friends yeah get some new friends um anyone listening to this podcast if you know someone who you think would be a great match for marie why not oh girl marie don't even need no don't feed into this bullshit look at her she don't need no damn help she don't need her

friends i mean my phone is full of dick yeah she walks out she's great but but that's different than meeting someone who's actually a good match like yeah she's gorgeous she's getting dick pics but if you're actually interested in meeting someone you can have a conversation and be yourself with that's what you want you ain't all that marie no she said you ain't on it listen we gonna talk off the podcast because sydney's not gonna let us be great uh julia i feel like is there anything you want to leave people listening with about either relationships or or rushing into things or taking their time with well i was going to quiz her just a little bit right okay so well let's do the question that i just asked and then well you want to quiz and then and then if there's

anything i didn't answer in the quiz boom let's do that sorry did i just go ahead control your podcast okay thank you how you mediate that okay um so julia we've been together for about four years um you know i'm all right as a partner not the best okay i'm all right i'm i can already wait you and your girlfriend you're talking about no she thought about you and her i'm talking about me and you this is a quiz right here oh shit okay right um you know you know about you and your girlfriend she already knows that you're all right julia get in get in the zone okay sorry so um we've been together uh i've i'm all right uh my career is okay uh so that means i have no money in the bank okay but i hit you with a ring do you say yes or no four years i mean

we're together this is i need a lot more information here um you're in love with me but like yeah but do you have like goals goals and do you have are you like yeah i'm a comedian but are you like are you like a victim and like nothing works out for you that's why you're broke and nothing's happening are you like actually leaving the house she don't know how to save money buffalo exchange stay calling me she she buys a lot of stuff at the thrift shop regularly no no no even though you're in love with me and that my career is promising i mean i haven't booked anything yet it's happening no i need no because if i have to carry your like self-pity like oh that's gonna make my pussy dry but you just called me pitiful my own my

oh you know what my pussy is wet right now yo that's beautiful but you're but you're the things you gave to me to work with were not very yeah you said that she was like you love me what are your positive qualities you love me i mean love is hard to find she's fine and i thought i worked on this real fast you see my legs what about my calves my calves i love your calves thank you yeah but get a job julie i was just laid off so like honestly no i'm doing a podcast at 12 30 on a monday so yes yes yes but you're doing it in my pre-war apartment yeah okay so i have a question for you um so you said that when you would go on dates with people like

nothing was off limits like you broke all the dating rules that the magazines told you yeah so what what is something that is like a hundred percent of the time always off limits to talk about nothing wow I just feel like because you're okay here's the thing if you go on a date and you are I know be yourself is such a generic thing and it's also a really hard thing because you're like well how do I know who I am and the thing is sometimes you learn who you are in a relationship like when you're in a bad really like a relationship is like a mirror so it's all relative right so you go on a date you act like yourself you like someone who reads an article and it's like don't say this act like this straight like when fucking millionaire matchmaker

would tell people with curly hair to straighten their hair i'm like once that girl comes out of the shower he's gonna realize her hair is curly like why million hair matchmaker is single too so she don't even know what you're saying like there's all this shit where it's like do this don't do that the truth is if you guys start dating that real you is gonna come out so why hide it when you first meet because that's the thing that's gonna make them love you like your your weird flaws okay so you're saying i should like pick my teeth on the first date and i should if you pick your teeth i should be like pick them i'm like no i don't need a toothpick they got mints though i mean that's a that's you know something i want to work on

in general but like yeah julia leave us with something tell us what you did you have another question that was it um okay so anything that you missed that you feel like you know i would just reiterate if those shoulds are coming up in dating in your current relationship just look at that and see see what it means it's not always a bad thing but if if shoulds are dominating your love life then maybe you should what if i'm like she should be paying for this he got more money than me i feel like that's a good shit talk to him no i'm not gonna talk to him i'm just not gonna bring my wallet ayo julia where can people listening catch you plug your podcast everything oh yeah okay so i have a podcast with my boyfriend about relationships um if you want to hear me

talk more about this stuff if you want to hear more yeah in-depth conversations uh hopefully we don't break up uh dot com or on itunes we talk to other couples about this kind of stuff and then you can find me uh julia razzi it's with a g just google julia with a g comment that all my stuff will come i'm the only one doing it that's what what a plug what a plug you guys do you have a like a comedy show do you have a show um no it's on hiatus right now but there'll be um when does this come out we don't know yet we don't even know we'll let you know i'm always doing something that okay yeah we'll find you i mean we'll we'll tag all of your social media tagging up this was great i learned a lot i learned that i ain't shit and no that's not true i learned that i'm actually

doing a really good job so i will continue to thrive that's thrive and live you have goals though you're doing stuff girl that was just a little example that's not my real life okay okay to me that's like girl i still got a couple checks in the mail i'm good yeah it's okay to be going through a hard financial time it's just she's still just not

going to marry you don't bring that tiny ass ring to Julia's house I was not going first of all the ring wasn't even from Kate's jeweler

okay it was from Jacob the jeweler oh please the ring was from Buffalo Exchange it definitely was it was a consignment shop ring

it was a bloody ass hipster diamond we're gonna go as always yeah you can catch us on Instagram at unofficial expert

at us you can hit us on Twitter mine is uh just said bw nyc and reesey on instagram i'm reesey r-e-e-e-z-y and then you can catch me uh once a week on youtube at miss reesey m-s-r-e-e-e-z-y ask us questions please add us slide in our dms without dicks like just ask like real questions or write a question for us on your dick and then send us that yes we'll forward them all to julia and then i'll give you advice on your deck pack thank you and let's shout out comedy hype for a

little bit you know thank you comedy hype please listen to all our episodes on there we also have itunes uh you know go to comedy hype for all of uh your comedy news this was fantastic thank you so much uh you know just hold up as much as you can and uh maybe you'll find love you'll never know find a nigga with enough btus and then uh live your life and avoid the dude that lives next door to his mom yeah because you probably that's too close yeah julia i mean yeah thanks guys