MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Chill Expert" with Chanel Ali

Episode Date: June 23, 2017

Comedian Chanel Ali stops by to talk with Sydnee & Marie to give tips on Chillin. Take notes!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hi guys hello hello oh welcome to the unofficial expert with sydney and marie wow feeling great are you yes why i felt like a little technician over here oh okay well they don't care about the backstory about that tech is boring it is so boring and steve jobs not listening to this and okay neither is the dude who replaced him steve's other job i don't i don't know hey marie how are you doing i'm doing really well i don't know why my throat decided that we're gonna go back to all day morning voice but that's what my throat is doing now i feel so congested i don't feel congested i'm just confused oh okay but like you know how sometimes if you don't use your voice for a long time the first person you speak to gets like your full morning voice

happened to me yesterday and then it never went away do you hear this it just started yesterday yes i called the dentist to make an appointment and they're like what's your name and i was like and she's like i'm sorry it's a little bit muffled i was like no just that's just my vote i mean you always sound like maya angelou to me that's a damn lie you always are giving me i did not rise death poetry jam straight spoken word raspy voice what happens to a raisin in the sun does it wither and weather and die phenomenal woman phenomenally what happens to a dream deferred yo we should go to a damn spoken word thing and then do what i think we should just try it okay write a poem and then get up there yo i will put you on the i will live i will instagram

live it listen this this i mean that might not be that hard because white people when white people do uh poetry it don't even be rhyming and it don't be on beat and they have a dusty dread like coming in the front like a dusty drug remember remember that guy that gave us his notebook yesterday he gave us like his poetry book and this is one of the poems in the book okay outnumbered outfunded and pushed to the cliffs we meet our true selves and found our true gifts that's the whole poem that's great okay let me read okay let me read you another one okay make a list of things that make you happy and make a list of things that you do every day compare the list adjust accordingly that's not a poem that's not a poem but that's one of those like mantras like something

that you say in the date in all right well you know we should do at the end of this episode we should make a list of things that make us happy and make a list of all the things that we do every day and then you know compare the list okay and also we should just write a little poem just do a little haiku can we do that okay you know what a haiku is no okay all right because i know what it because you said it but i know you didn't know what it was it's like a certain amount of lines or a certain amount of beats or something like that it's like five or something yeah so we should do something like that so you want to go you want to go all the way you want me to trek all the way to harlem or the new yorkan poets cafe you want me to travel for 45 minutes to tell a five syllable

play no i mean poem i'm swear to you in brooklyn they have tons of things like that i mean it's gentrified you know white people yeah but i don't want to go so i don't want to do poetry with white people like that's not Marie I don't want to do part you know who's listening to the podcast I understand and I want them to know that I don't want to do part with that I don't beat you crazy um what were you an expert in this week this week I was an expert at eating chicken wings I know it sounds very stereotypical but I did a really good job well let me tell you what happened don't judge me don't I've never called your expertise basic and you'll be having some real basic expertise on this podcast i was an expert at being a good friend like that that's that's the stuff that you

say here and i've never called you basic that's not basic oh but sometimes it's hard to be a good friend girl but it's hard for me to be a good friend to you because you say basic stuff like that you see you see it hurts it hurt don't it continue um so i had chicken buffalo wings like three days in a row uh me too okay so we were experts at the same thing even though we were together yo monday okay so saturday night i was walking down the street and this this this little cool dude was like hey how you not going i was like it's going well and then fast forward to us exchanging information and then two days later he got me chicken but i was with sydney sydney third wheeled the chicken third wheeled and i actually was the one that was like we should

only have 10 he was like i want to get my own i was like what these are some big wings yeah but he was he was from la and he was like uh it's a lot of money for like a little bit of wings and sydney was like they won't be big and they came and we could barely finish but also i was like nigga you want a corporate card yeah he did he did drop his gold american express you got the corporate card dude like he paid for all the wings and then he was like after you left sydney was like i'm only gonna stand have one wing and then i'm gonna go home six wings later sydney's still there sucking on her fingers his napkin was so nasty and our napkins were so clean because we were sucking our fingers in public i feel like you're allowed to suck your fingers if like it's

like they're full of sauce we were in dallas bbq so everybody is sucking their fingers and he just kept using the barbecue wipes and we were like i use those at the end yeah oh i was like are these wings imported yeah are these free range yeah texas wings i think these wings taste real connect kit right they taste like they they had 401k or something very cornish hen ish and then the next day uh i was i was in the city with my cousin our jobs expert and we jumped on the train and we looked to the left and my little sister was on the train and she was like what y'all doing we were like what y'all doing and then andrew was like do you have food at the house and i was like andrew was like midnight i'm not you can't come to our house and eat and leave

like you always do and my sister was like i want wings and andrew was like oh it's tuesday buffalo wild wings has half price wings every tuesday no way and we were like what time they close loud just being loud and ignorant and hungry on the q train and they closed that one o'clock in the morning so we jumped off the train and went back the way we came and got this whole thing of wings but they weren't as big as the but how much it was like 12 well i think i paid 12 including tip did y'all share wings yeah but we also got milkshakes okay the wings came to like 12 for like 18 wings well let me tell you the wings taste better when somebody else is paying for they do they do i was like i have to pay for my own i'm like what kind of is this the white or

the dark is this pigeon pigeon wing what is this well yeah but anything tastes better when someone else is paying for it like i had a bum ass peanut butter and jelly once because somebody else paid for it i was like are these gluten-free peanuts but sometimes you don't know how free worked because we went to a stand a lemonade stand and they were giving out lemonade and you were like uh do you have like what kind of that's not that oh what just happened what nothing happened i can't hear myself anymore you can't no oh yeah it was this uh that's not not knowing how free works you were asking questions you don't ask no questions i'm allowed to ask questions whether it's free or not oh absolutely not see you don't know how free works somebody's giving you something

doesn't mean you have to take it somebody's like yo free herpes and you're gonna be like i'm gonna take these herpes because it's free this is what people would do when they would come to my job right i would give them a menu and this menu is just to give it to them like so you'd have it then i'll like ask for add-ons and extras and i'm like see that's people who don't know how free works this is for you just take whatever i'm fucking giving you yeah but those are people who don't know how free works i don't be at your job asking for extra stuff i'd be like is the lady that make the sandwiches back there what are you talking about you would be the man when you're like you're like can i get stuff that's not on the menu today no no i never said that i said

i said hold on hold on this is what this is how the sandwich i was like damn y'all ain't got no wings and city was like city was like i can get you some wings and then you came out with wings i didn't even know y'all had that it wasn't on the menu i know but i didn't ask you for wings i was like i just mentioned wings after she'd been to the to the hotel yes but yeah but i didn't go in there and say i really want some wings from y'all back there i just was like oh you guys don't have any wings I don't want anything and that's it he made the wings appear and then I was like the next time I went I was like I don't want a salad I don't want this I just want like a regular sandwich but I didn't ask her for it I just was like I don't want anything here and then she made

the sandwich appear I wasn't in there asking for off-menu stuff like I was at In-N-Out Burger like I wasn't the next time she came and she was like is the woman back there making sandwiches well yes because I knew that y'all had the capabilities I know y'all had that sliced ciabatta bread back there anyways you're like do they have any more arugula can i get i was like yeah i don't want the romaine i want uh you got butter lettuce do they have in dive and sydney i don't think it's called it's pronounced undive just so you know it's on these just so just so you know anyways sydney what were you an expert in this war bike stuff okay i'm really getting into the bike i've been riding from brooklyn to manhattan

i've taken the brooklyn bridge the manhattan bridge the williamsburg bridge beautiful uh i got lights on my bike i got a bell um i'm meeting new people every day uh and i love it i just love being on a bike when you say new people you mean new white people new black people what kind of people first of all the other day i had a race war on the bridge it was me and this black girl we she had like a fro she's playing her music she got a little jill scott on she pedaling or whatever and then these white dudes pull up on the side of us and they're like hey girls and you're like uh-huh whatever and then they look like they were trying to like race us and i was like they're not really trying to race us right now and then the other girl was like oh they ready

to race let's go and i was like girl do it for us do it for us because i can't so race war means two things in that story yes because that's not a race war that's what happened though but um so who won i don't even know i didn't make it to the end they were gone they were probably already downtown she probably date one of them white dudes yo but i'm getting better with just adjusting to being on a bike like i'm not i'm not trying to take cabs anymore so people that's beautiful you're sending me on insta story or whatever and they're like so are you doing bad like do you need money you with your uber money ran out what happened it's like your uber money people are disrespectful they just say whatever to me

and i was like it's fine but last night i was on the bike and i was on there late it was like one something i had finished seeing y'all or whatever yeah but who's telling you to jump on the bike at one o'clock i'm ready to die for real i can't leave my bike listen when a white man who who's got cargo shorts on is like that's a nice bike listen don't leave it i was gonna leave the bike when we're at the duplex he's like the leather on the seat is beautiful yeah he would have just taken the seat exactly somebody told me to take the wheel off the fucking bike and i was like that's not happening um who's just taking wheels off about crackheads crackheads do that yeah you're right so last night this guy asked me how much when i was like on i was on the corner

was he talking about the bike or your vagina i thought he was talking about the bike but he's talking about me he thought i was a fucking prostitute cross country and i said who is selling ass and then getting on a bike that's not that don't go like if i'm a prostitute i'm only taking cabs why would i be riding around to people's homes well you know how there's like weed delivery there's like food delivery there's pussy delivery you just do it on the bike that's like seamless for your vagina yeah but do you know sitting on a bike is damaging the punani nani it's going through i mean you get like a padded bike shirt that's what i need i need a padded any listeners are out there if anybody want to sponsor me any padded bike

short companies are listening to this right now in my bike journey please send them to a 500 wow wow wow i was about to hit you with my entire address on the you know what let's just get started because yeah the guests that we have today would never do that she's too cool for that type of behavior uh she is a comedian she she travels all over the country and kind of in any other countries you're kind of international uh all across north america that's what i'm gonna say uh she's uh she's somebody who's on our show a couple times she's freaking hilarious so funny she's our chill expert she's our cool cat expert give it up for chanel ali guys thank you so much for having me chanel ali it's so good to be here yes it is chanel um do

you ride a bike i don't except when i go to governor's island because they got free bike rental oh that's like the only time how do they make money if the bikes are free well it's only free before noon after that's like a billion dollars those people who are renting bikes afternoon they're they're they're killing it well everybody who uh is listening to this if y'all want to do like a little unofficial expert meet up at governess island before noon let's do that that'd be amazing a little meetup chanel will be there absolutely and it's so cheap there at all time and we'll be there three hours i'll be there chilling like they're not coming chanel how do you get to be so damn calm even your voice is chill yeah i do be chilling um i think

it's a lot of things i think i got some like meditative practices that keep me real grounded what that mean let's talk about that like some some some yeah like uh you know i listen to reasonable doubt every monday reasonable doubt mondays you can follow that on twitter yes i do yes right and people people always ask me about that but i just think like the jay-z reasonable doubt album is such like a hustler mentality like really yeah he just captured all of the emotions when you're going through like life changes and you're really hustling and trying to make changes and trying to find peace within yourself so i listen to that every monday how do you feel about jay-z's albums now compared to that album i think it's like hard to

evolve as an artist especially when you're making projects that they're really gonna judge you on but i think he's still just as dope i think even back then when you listen to reasonable doubt he was like saying faggot and like just you know doing things that you can't you can't get away with nowadays but he was a young he was a young man and he was rapping you know that was the 90s that was fine you know what i mean so i think he's evolved he had on a baby blue vocal jersey or u.n.c jersey no he wore hawaiian shirts hawaiian shirts dropping in the back of music videos real crazy i'm not a jay-z fan so i really don't really word really like just in general i just don't care about him word i mean i don't want i don't want to even give you the wrong idea that i think jay-z

is like the greatest rapper of all time or even my favorite rapper that he is but i do listen to reasonable doubt every single monday okay all right cindy you shocked i didn't know that you were such a sean carter fan you you never told you never told the facebooks you never said that facebooks or the twitters where there there was a mixtape where i you know lost my virginity too and uh it was one of like what it was a mixtape it was a mixtape it wasn't a slow jam it was oh While you were having sex, Jay-Z was calling everyone in the room a fag. Wow.

First of all, it was like Meek Mill featuring Jay-Z, featuring DJ Clue. It was a lot of people on that one. Has Meek Mill been around that long? Oh no, not Meek Mill. What's the other guy that was on there? Fabulous?

Oh, I know. Memphis Bleak? They got similar names. Yeah, they do. i'm gonna let it live it's okay it's fine but yeah i had one track and and then i would because of that mixtape i got into jay-z and i loved him after that dude he's a good person to lose your virginity to i'm just chanel do you remember what song you uh lost your virginity to uh i'm pretty sure there wasn't music playing i'm pretty sure from what i recall no it was awkward silence

and a twin bed so the guy was obviously your age yeah yeah he was yeah maybe like a year older than me maybe wow anyway so uh you listen to uh reasonable down on mondays and then what else how else do you like meditate like how do you stay so zen i really like live with my headphones on a lot uh also breathe a lot yeah you like when is the last time you really sat and concentrated on breathing like i'm concentrating on the air going in and now the air going out we don't really do that we forget to do that shit and your body needs you to reset like that oh like that's how that's your like control all delete absolutely as a bicyclist well i always breathe like that so I didn't really feel like I learned anything

from that little exercise, but Wow, okay, you think you better than us? You think you just be breathing? I mean, I always have to breathe, like, especially when you're active, like, you're out in these streets like, especially going over the Williamsburg Bridge. Yeah, the three times that you've done that in your entire life

Chanel, you're not from New York, where are you from? I'm from Philly, yeah I was born in Camden, which is right outside of Philly Okay, which is not a cool place to be You guys know Camden? I feel like Camden was like the Myrtle Capital oh it is murder capital of the y'all know that yeah girl i read i mean i don't read but i know people from uh people know is it yes i don't know why i i didn't think y'all would know that

honestly that was a couple years ago that they took that title but it's a very dangerous place murder capital of the country the same murder rates as philly but philly is a huge city yeah comparison camden is very tiny to be you know having so many people die but yeah i was born in camden and then i lived in philly most of my life i did move around a lot as a kid but i claim philly philly's home philly is home okay well what's like you know philly isn't a chill place though i feel like it's a lot going on it's philly cheesesteaks sometimes you'll be chilling on mac and you know playing b-ball outside of the school and sometimes a couple guys will be up to no good and i knew we wasn't gonna get through this podcast without that song

do you get tired of that as a philly person how many times in new york when someone brings me on stage the dj will play that song in west philadelphia like as well where is west philadelphia like is that even a thing yeah yeah yeah there's west philly north philly south philly there is no east philly because that's regular philly yeah well no that's where the river is it's like the oh okay well whatever uh who cares about east philly but i like philly um i like city living like i'm definitely i like being in the city but i do think that new york is like overkill in a lot of aspects it is it's a lot it really freaking is the quality of life in philly is much more because your dollar goes farther it's not as big it's not as overwhelming yes but

you might get shot with that long ass dollar i mean you might get shot in east new york i mean you might that's why we don't go there yeah we don't who goes to east does it listeners are you from east new york somebody get out now should we start a gofundme so you can get out of east new york east new york is going to be like the last place to get gentrified if that ever happens that's crazy i'm just proud of myself like knowing where i'm talking about now you know what i mean well so but you're in brooklyn now like how did you like how do you think that philly helped and you becoming such a chill person like um do you have like a chill family do you have like a lot of friends who like smoke weed like talk about that i do have a ton of friends who smoke weed

And I think Philly, like, the Philly art scene really shaped and molded me as a young woman. Absolutely. Oh, that's Philly shaped and molded her. Shout out to the Basquiat's in Philly. Shout out. I know, like, really talented, like, painters, people who that's all they do is paint all day. Oh, like Bob Ross? Incredible.

Is his name Bob Ross? Yes, Bob Ross. He's so relaxing. He's a really relaxing guy. I think he's dead. Is he? I think he passed away. Why do you say that so lightly?

Can somebody Google that? Because that's how cool I am. death death is a joke she's haitian she knows about that it happens wow you guys heard of um the stop telling women to smile campaign yeah yes my friend tatiana started that oh and she was an artist in philly that i used to see on tv all the time and i would be like why is this girl like i just see her out she's always doing this dope shit and then i just really started surrounding myself around people like that people who were making art and trying to make a difference in the world and it really helped me get the courage to be like man i think i'm a comedian i think i

need to try this and so i started hitting open mics so cat calling is what propelled you is that yeah is that what we're gonna do that's what we're gonna say a lot of different things but yeah just watching people you know make a life off of their art i was like wow i didn't know you could do that i didn't think that was something i had really considered for a long time yeah but you are you're making money as a comic like that's like you're bread and butter basically now right but i think you could really do that in new york city if you're an artist if you there's people who have books on poems and they're making like thousands of dollars and i'm just like i read that poem what who's who's buying who paying for this yeah like if you're a painter if you're a singer this is

the place to come and make money off but also it's expensive to live here so you might have to do something else on the side it forces you to hustle yeah it forces you but sometimes we need that if like it was easy to be an artist then like nobody would be creating anything of value you know what that's one of the reasons i always say i feel like philly comics have such a thick skin because philly's not an easy city to move it's not what are some comics that came out of philly because i'm in my mind i'm like there's no there's monroe you say the names because people listening don't know who monroe martin yes uh derrick games yeah y'all kevin hart yeah you know i mean but kevin and kevin really like put in the work in philly for like why would y'all start with monroe and

not say kevin hart first we're just building up to it girl damn you can't just drop kevin you should have just said kevin hart is from philly and then like kevin hart they'd be like chill chill chill chill chill exactly damn chill chill chill and of course will smith and his mom um but also i think not having kids keeps me chill oh listen do you like i reflect on that all the time like oh regularly and when i see people have not one but two kids i'm like dude Are you really want to have that type of challenge? And it's in the summertime. Nobody's giving up their seat.

So you got two kids on the train and your shoes hurt. When I see women struggle with that stroller to get on the bus, I'm like, you doing worse than me. When I see like newborn babies on the train. With that little sock. I'm like, what about their immune system? They don't care. Like this air can't be good for this baby. Baby got mesothelioma.

Well, this is why the babies have thick skin in New York City. Because of the air. and because like the transportation nobody give a fuck about a baby anywhere like on a plane on a train in the water it's like women and children first babies whatever they babies they'll float just throw it down there throw it down yeah but having a kid especially when you see people with like them double wide strollers or the long stroller where the baby one baby's on top of the other baby and you're like dude you got a bunk bed stroller out in these streets when i was When I was in Central Park and there were dads on bikes and they had like the little car seat, bike seat for the baby.

I was like, you obviously don't give a fuck about the baby. The baby's in the back of you. I feel like the baby could be gone. Somebody could walk up behind and just take the baby out and he would just keep riding. Well, you see, I see people walking down the street all the time and like they're, I'll come down the street and there'll be a child in front of me. And I'm like, who the hell, whose baby is this? And I look around and the parents will be way ahead or like two blocks back. and i'm like y'all just letting this baby without a leash walk through these streets like they don't

care they be on their phone i do think chanel when you become a mom you're gonna be mad chill about it i absolutely will i can't wait to be if i mean i could wait but you can't wait girl i really do want to be a mom at some point but i think i'd probably be like one of those 40 year old moms that's like i guess i'll get started like i feel like that's gonna be all of us yeah i feel like We're all going to be there. I appreciate y'all's support, yo. Listen, I'm going to be an old mom. We're going to look great.

You know what I'm saying? I'm going to be a Halle Berry mom. I'm going to have three baby daddies, and all my kids are going to be a different color. Or an Erykah Badu mom. Yeah. You know that she's pregnant right now, and she's telling people that she's not pregnant. Erykah Badu got three baby daddies. Halle Berry.

Halle Berry is pregnant, and she's telling everybody that she isn't. Even though there's pictures of her looking pregnant as F, and she's like, no, I'm just bloated. She got a black baby daddy? Or is it two white dudes? it's two white dudes it's two white dudes i want to be like camorra lee simmons yes she got she got like russell cold stone of babies yeah her baby daddy's on a yacht with her chilling like taking pictures i'm like yes girl they all chill that boom gosh must be lovely no that's like that's rich that's rich uh baby daddies though they're like they don't even dance because all her baby

daddies are billionaires yeah except for you know give us those free anyway so but he you know great guy he looks fantastic um so i do i feel like you're gonna be one of these moms that like teaches your kid how to roll a blunt i mean whenever really i'd rather you smoke here at the home i mean i love those moms i had a couple friends in high school who moms were just like that they're like oh if you're gonna drink we might as well just drink together dominican moms like they're mad extra but chill at the same time because i'm like drinking did you fucking in the house your mother is cooking uh pernil in the kitchen and you fucking wow so when y'all done fucking the pig is gonna be finished wow your mother is mad she knows don't come over here

oh my god chanel do you have a cool mom um we were not very close honestly um i was a foster kid so i got taken away from her when i was two but she has been in my life intermittently i would say like is she like a level-headed person or is she somebody who kind of like flies off the handle regularly oh she's uh level-headed but she's got a lot of mental issues oh okay no like she was one of them ladies in the 80s that was wilding oh i know so she's very dilapidated from all those experiences wait say that one again dilapidated dilapidated go ahead and write that down i feel like i can't like in my adulthood i don't ever remember having like real meaningful conversations with her it always seems like i would be talking to her and she would just kind

of disappear i would be like all right well i guess we're done talking but the crazy thing is is that i don't get that vibe from you like i don't feel like you don't feel like somebody who doesn't have like a mother in their life or presence like you you feel very i feel very family oriented when i'm around you and yet here's sydney who uh calls her mother by her first name hey ramona how you doing she'd be like ramona and i or actually sydney would be like me and ramona uh and i'm like what from people in conversations they'll be like who the hell is ramona and she'll be like my mom yeah you know ramona and i'm like what well mom is one person and ramona is another ramona is mom ramona is detached mom is the one that's like reaching out like hey how are you

doing ramona is like um can you go to the store and get me two packs of cigarettes and then like go downtown and run errands and then come back and then you have no food your mom smoked cigarettes she doesn't smoke anymore but she used to smoke larks and she would have like me my niece we would go get her cigarettes all the time i'm like what the hell is a lark exactly that's some detroit shit i don't fucking know but no the larks would be stacked just for her at the corner store nobody else smoked them just her it was the weirdest thing are those the long elegant cigarettes no they would stay i was like they're like black and mild this is a newport this is this is cool this is a cool but called lark well chanel's too cool to smoke cigarettes yeah do you do you smoke

no no no but do you do you just do weed mostly and edibles yeah how much weed do you think you smoke in like a day uh probably a whole blunt a day a whole blunt almost every day some days i'm just too busy i just don't have time to smoke but so you're using ditch masters you if i know i like the zigzag wraps i like oh you've been hanging out with too many white men what the fuck i don't even know what a zigzag wrap is yeah the white papers no their cigar papers are just like you don't have to break them it's just a wrap it's just the wrap can you show us can you could you bring weed for us yeah i'm not even ready you're not even that chill because chill people will have weed on them chill people don't be walking around with weed on them show people smoke weed in front

of the cops okay it's decriminalized here in new york you should have the weed yes you're in the studio with us i don't really trust it uh uh well chanel since you're chill are you in a relationship like are you chill when you're with the opposite sex or i am really chill and i think i was gonna talk about that also i feel like i'm super observant about especially like the comedy business and so i always peep like people who are putting their relationship on blast you know and i'd be like oh girl that did not work out for you oh my god so there's a particular comic in my mind right now who had her entire relationship i'd be chilling i'd be chilling because i really feel like when you when you got a good amount of happiness you gotta keep it to

yourself a certain amount especially because the haters be hating and comedy is a big high school you can't lie comedy is big listen everybody in new york has dated everybody in new york except me because i'm better than everybody but um and sydney hasn't dated any comics either because she don't have time for that no the way she just shook her head she was like no i'm not like her eyes got real big and she looks terrified no no no i mean we i can't be doing bad and you doing bad it can only be one person struggling in the relationship comedian because i feel like i already know you ain't got no money you know what i mean like you gotta be well established comedians are like like some of the guy comedians are like funny no some of them i'm saying i'm still saying no i

don't care how funny you are you ain't got no money who paid for these wings chanel i'm saying sometimes you can get caught up in this you know how like i've gotten to the point where like i'm just numb to like funny like funny don't get me moist ever like i actually just like you just being quiet in a corner and just leaving me alone that's that gets me really that's hot and wet that's like a 112 song right now chanel but like yeah because you didn't like i didn't know that you're in a in a relationship either how long have y'all been together um see how cool she is you don't even know how long they've been together june like a year see okay and i follow chanel on snapchat and i would just see a nigga's hand at the dinner table or like on excursions and i'm

like and so now i was i'm looking i agree with you on that i never posted my ex-boyfriend's face and i always peep like when people make decisions that negatively impact their happiness i always peep that and i don't never judge them because we always make mistakes in life yes but i've never seen like celebrities sit anywhere and talk about their relationship especially like point at his picture and be like this is who i'm with yeah and their relationship got better because i invited all these people into i've never seen that so i think even in my relationship now he would like to be way more like let's just be making out on the ground like let's just do it and i'm always like he lives for you girl i'm telling you he is obsessed guys we can tell

guys i can tell when a guy is super into somebody and he he's like that's my queen like whatever you want she's my queen so if you text him right now i'm like oh babe i don't feel well like i need soup like he would he'll go get the ingredients to make the soup listen he'll be like he'll be He'll be like, share your location with me. I'll be there in 12 minutes. He would find a way. And I just think it's beautiful. And also, he knows that you're talented and you're doing your thing.

Yes, yes, yes. But let's talk about y'all in the bedroom. Oh, wow, Marie. Real quick, real quick. Because are you this cool in the bedroom? Oh, no. Chanel, I feel like you would keep your cardigan on. I feel like you would have your bra and your cardigan on.

Yeah. Okay, I can't say that I am. I can't say I always have time to take off everything. Okay, I feel like that's how hot it be. You know, I feel like you would be working on a bit from the back. You're like, yep. Nah, nah, nah. Yep.

You're doing setups and punchlines while you're getting your punchline. I feel like it'd be real quiet. Like, he'd be going real crazy. And you'd be, like, rolling up your zigzag papers or whatever. He's going to think this is so funny. And then he's going to listen to it and be like, nah, you don't know. chanel ali is a freak y'all you are a nice girl they're gonna say yo chanel i do think that you're nice you have very very nice i'm nice you're the type of person i take home to my mom and i don't

even see my mom but if i did i would take you to see her your mom though your mom like self-confidence right right i have a lot of self-confidence i'm real confident in like what i know and you know my body i'm like she got sex skills you know i'm out here but in general in life i think you you could tell that like when i get on stage i'm like i don't care yeah you're so fun yes but and you're chill i don't know i feel like you know sometimes but see i'm telling you i think i get way more attention because people are like i don't know about her maybe they're like i'm not sure i can't really tell she might be she might be i think you're getting a lot of attention too because you're like like your jokes are super well thought out and like in the i don't know

the year and a half or the two years that i've known you like all of your stuff has just grown to be like so like perfected you know what i mean like you're not out here just throwing away raggedy mess no you're not and the joke that's so great that i always remember is one about like people and dating how they're like oh chanel you know if things don't work out you're gonna make fun of me like and then you're like uh why do you think like whack sex is funny it's like it's not but haven't you heard that though i'm sure you guys have been dating someone they'd be like hi don't write a joke about me you never heard that no people say that to marie but then they watch her youtube and they know that she talks about everything everybody but if people don't it

doesn't i don't have to be dating somebody for them to say that to me they already know that i've been scared like you're not gonna tell anybody about this right i know i'm a mess my friends sometimes my friends don't invite me out because they're like cindy gonna make a fucking bit about this nah we're not letting like there's some things that i'll see them on snapchat while and now and i'm like yo how come i wasn't invited like oh we thought you were just doing comedy aka yeah we know you're gonna tell everybody blowing us up on the ground that's so funny that's what it is i get it i don't care we're not young no more you know we're not the little babies anymore like i feel like when i meet especially a guy i feel like i if i have a

good amount of interactions with him i'm like ah this is you got some whackness this is you got some whackness there's some whackness down there there's no need for me to venture south i feel like i got to a certain age where i was like oh no i've just i could weed those out now like i know before we don't know i saw you eat i saw you eat i just assume everybody is whack um that's a fact i do i just assume everybody is like the corniest person in the world and then um you know that's how i just like they'll be sexy and they'll look good or whatever and then you see their their snap stories and you're like oh you are oh i'd be like is he wearing a bubble vest yes it's very disappointing when you see them on social media and you're like oh you're not really you don't

really understand cool yeah those are the type of people who have photos and you can see like they chin you're like what kind of angle are you getting this like video from it's not even that like i like people who are a little bit awkward now i'm not here for that weird art student dude that like you know puts dreadlocks in his nose or what i don't know i'm not here for like that that super weird ass burgers eat kid but like i just like a dude that's like not too cool i feel the same way i definitely feel the same way because it makes me feel like i gotta be cool all the time if you always yeah but you know you are cool i know but i can't purposefully be that way i can't try to keep when do you i gotta just be me when do you lose your cool when do you like

oh yeah step outside i want to hear a line like when somebody hears this from you you fucking pissed yeah a line like something i don't necessarily need a line i just need to know in the world that can really make me angry there aren't that many people okay well who are the top three people uh my grandmother drives me fucking nuts nobody gets under my skin as much as she's a grandmother i know that's natural that's what they do that's what they do seriously really makes me angry um my i think i get really really passionate about my little brother i think he's he's like the pillar of strength for me so anybody messing with him or even just being unreasonable around him

takes me from zero to 100 very quickly. Okay. I'll fight everybody. And probably my boyfriend, probably.

I'll choke on him. You'll choke that nigga if you have to. I think that we... Y'all do that in the bedroom too? Y'all do 50 Shades of Chanel Ali?

50 Shades of Black. But you know, when you really care about someone, they can make you real emotional. Yeah, that's why I love my sister. They can make you

feel a lot of things. And Sydney, actually. I'm gonna go with them too. Those two people. i'm rolling my eyes right now those are two people who pissed me off faster than anybody else in the world yes but it's not a lot of people that you have that you really think have the power because i don't want to give that many people that much power like you're not going to affect my emotions that much because who are you to me you just be like you just got your emotions in

check all the time yo as comedians we are always giving to other people we're always standing in front of a bunch of people just giving them everything right taking away all their problems for a couple of minutes to where they're only thinking about laughing with a bunch of strangers. We got to take care of our mental state sometimes

and really take a step back and be like, am I doing something for me also? Ooh, Chanel. I mean it so much. I would be your man, girl. What you like?

How you like your eggs? You like them runny or scrambled? What you do? You want a frittata? I take care of them, right? Okay. You can hit it with the,

ooh, girl, that was a bar right there. Listen, for me, I feel like I get angry all the time because of waitressing. like i just see how ridiculous people are and they don't they're so oblivious to how absurd and the shit that they ask and the things that they want and it's like are you fucking i know

you in new york and you feeling like you should just be getting the whole world but you don't have the whole world budget you know what you got you got mcdonald's budget that's what you that's you get a 20 piece for two dollars yes bring your attitude down five piece chicken nuggets budget like you how you talking to me like this is a four seasons this ain't the four season bro like i would be getting so mad and eventually i had to let it go because i you know i don't work there anymore and i'm living my best poor life so you had to let that job go i had to let it go because i was getting angry like i would talk to you all the time about working there no more yeah i was talking to you about like the way people tip me the way people talk to me i would

come to her job and sydney would be angry every time i got there and i'd be like well y'all is the sandwich lady back there yes it's true though it used to be a countdown like two more hours 30 more minutes oh god it was such good money but i was just like angry all the time yeah but you can't well that's the thing that i think people listening maybe can agree with is you can't just stay in a situation that is not good for you you like mentally yeah even if you're making money like you will find another opportunity to make some money it takes a toll on you i'm sure it took a toll that's why you gotta save your coins yeah girl that's why i'm here and i'm like we you know what things are gonna work out i'm not i'll be all fine i'll be fine but i do

miss the money a lot like there's days where i'm like i could so maybe i should just go back for like a shit you know i'll just go see if let me just but then you know what it is living in new york city we also become like numb to the shit that happens like when people bump you or when people talk to you at a turn you're like i'm not gonna worry about that because i don't want to start a fight i know that i'm bigger than this yeah but then you become immune to it and you don't care the longer i've been back in new york from la the angrier and more vocal i am when people do things that that i feel like is disrespectful in public yeah if i hold the door for somebody and they don't do that thank you i want to yank them by their toupee and bring them back yeah

thank you you're welcome or if i hold the door for them and they don't say thank you i'll yell at them if i'm getting off the train people won't let me off before they come on i'll yell at everybody on the train yeah i'm turning into one of them loud black women you're on the opposite of chanel now no i mean i don't let people talk to me all crazy i will say that um i'm a little more timid if people are with me like if y'all are with me and somebody's whiling i'll try to like let's bring it down you know let's not cause a thing and i'm oh because you know we gonna take it to 100 because i don't want y'all to be getting in on something that i'm reacting to now if i'm alone i'm really not taking a shit from nobody like nobody's gonna talk to me crazy so you're

you're usually good at de-escalating situations i'm so good under pressure i'm so good at getting other people to calm down so you have to tell that story that you just told me before sydney got here oh about the guy on the train yeah sitting on the subway platform in new york city real late at night like 3 a.m and this white guy comes in like a business suit and he's like i want to feel alive and that's when you go to the any time a white man says that everybody gonna die we're not even on the train yet so he's like i want to feel alive and he's very clearly drunk and he like jumps off the platform onto the tracks like i'm gonna kill myself like i want to feel alive he just kept screaming can we take a step back and describe his suit did it look like

a suit like a brooks brothers it looked like was it like a capri cut sleeve it looked like like men's warehouse like a like a like a come down a step burlington yes and he maybe accidentally like got a woman's jacket so it was the medium it was big in the back area i was like why is it so big back there it was tight on the tight on the wrist area i was like no but um so he jumps onto the train tracks everybody's screaming at him like you know what the fuck guy come on buddy you know just new york they're like yo i have somewhere to fucking go man it's three o'clock in the morning like i'm not gonna sit here i obviously can't afford a cab like people are counting the delay do you know how many delays this is gonna be if you get hit like

they're really getting mad and so i'm gonna be honest i did try to snapchat him a little and he saw me chanel i mean if you don't snap it i thought he was gonna get back up i was like it's mine he's just having a moment this would be a good snap but i just needed it i didn't even post it good but if but if something happened and the news hit you up you would have you would have the receipts you'd be like well i released the video i exclusively told him on this snapchat hey buddy get up but no he didn't you know so he caught you trying to snap his you did your you did your deed for the day you know what i mean he caught me he was like this girl's recording me and i was like Chanel I gotta teach you when this is over how to discreetly shoot video

get the fuck out of here Marie don't do it no you gotta hit it under your chin rest your phone under your chin and be like it looks very obvious yeah but then you gotta be like you look very obvious you gotta look at the sky like what no girl you look crazy yes you do you really really do wait so I got up I walked over to him and I like kneeled down on the platform you kneeled down you took a knee for a white man on a dirty subway platform did you have some jameson in your system no i was sober i wanted to get home i wanted to get home i was on that new york shit like how long had you been waiting on the platform maybe 10 minutes so you had another 10 minutes to go because it's 20 minute delay coming we could hear the train

coming so we know it's about to come and then he's like in the middle you bent your queen over there and i said to him very calmly come on man you don't want to do this this is crazy don't do this like come on like let's just get up here and he was like it took him a second then he was like all right all right and so i pulled him up you yeah you work out you be at planet fitness or equinox you got upper body strength body oh you know he wasn't dead can we talk about what this white man looked like what did he have light hair dark hair ashton kutcher type so he was like a long white body and you pulled him up pulled him up well i helped him he wasn't a dead man he was awake and you know and he wanted to and he wanted to get up so i had convinced him i had

convinced him that he was wild and yo you're a good samaritan you weren't afraid that he was gonna like be the scar to your mufasa like you weren't afraid as i was pulling him up i i'm swear i swear to you all i thought was please don't pull me over please don't pull me over please don't pull me over because he's obviously unstable yeah and he's drunk too at the same time i'm like yo this train is coming bro nobody else is helping you this train so nobody was helping you while you pulled him out nobody came nobody they were just shouting from afar really just being mad at him like what station what station was this do you remember yeah so i know not to go there this sounds like some second avenue this was this was 34th street that's not that sounds

that's not like some q shit that don't sound like no q that sounds like some a or c train miss i don't remember this is like a year ago okay okay so but i helped him up what were you wearing chanel i remember i had on my long my long burberry coat have you seen it you had a burberry coat i bet you i looked real cool going over there to help him i'm not gonna lie i bet you i looked real there should be a whole movie based on you just wearing this burberry coat and helping people from trains just jumping out helping out people okay the movie will be called the helper not the help the helper so you know they would like redo it instead of you it'd be denzel playing the helper and he'd have on gucci like it was based on true events yo chanel so you

should get a purple heart or something you pull him up he's like he thanked me he was like all right you know i was wild and whatever and he starts to walk away and um that's it this other guy starts to interact with him and he's very mad like yo you wilding blah blah blah blah and the guy's still mouthing off like i want to feel alive so then he's like i'm gonna jump back in so you're like all the work i did i put my burberry coat on the line chanel was like well let me see i reacted that way he was like yo you're still talking that shit and that little girl just helped you and then i got real mad because he called me a little girl no but that's good though you look good no i was like yo i'm a grown-up and i just saved this man's life you're

Like, what kid you know got a Burberry Trench on, bitch? It's 2 a.m. It's 2 a.m. I'm out here. So then they ended up fighting, and they fought, like, up and out of the subway, and I never saw them again. They rolled into the tracks, and both of them died. Moment of silence for them dumb niggas.

The guy who was yelling at him, was he white? Black guy. Aw, come on, bruh. Brother. He beat that boy's ass. Come on, Clarence. He was just frustrated. You could tell it wasn't even like, oh, I'm super mad.

Rashad, it wasn't even that serious, man. It was that serious. It was like, yo, I'm tired of these bros. I'm tired of their emotional whatevers. I'm finna just beat this one up. That's all that was. Some cop probably got off that day on a murder case, and he just had it up to here. He was like, I'm tired of it.

Facebook got me all riled up. Yep, that's why he probably saw a whole bunch of Vine videos. All I could see is that tight-ass wrinkled suit, and in my mind, it was like a beige, like a dusty green. So he got up, and that's it? Did he give you a hug? Did like, I don't want to touch him, maybe not. But you pulled him up.

Listen. he already touched him so you might as well give him a fucking hug i mean i don't need you sydney what would you have done in that situation well girl you know my upper body strength is zero is none sydney would have just went live on the ground no i would have been i would have help somebody help please help i mean i think for me i would like i would weigh the options like if it was like the middle of the day and like i knew i could like walk to another train stop i would do that because i'm not helping you up because i weigh 123 pounds i mean i don't want y'all thinking i was super excited like i remember as i was getting up i did a real heavy sigh like let me go

i mean if that is crazy if say for instance like marie fell in the train tracks and i had to lift her up i'd be like i feel like we would both die yeah hold on if marie fell into the tracks i'm like okay i'll help you be like no no anybody but you no no please i don't want your help sydney i'd be like what if i lay under the train will you start a go fund me for me for my new legs like that's what i would yell up to sydney because i know she wouldn't be able to pull me i would not be able to pull her up but i feel like i would try to help her and that's good that you like that means a lot in your heart you're a good person you know that's a good person because me amanda yeah i wouldn't want

to see but i definitely would have one hand over and like of course a little bit like and that's I wanted to be honest about Snapchatting him because I wanted to be honest and be like, yo, I thought it was going to be fine and I wouldn't need to intervene. It could be a funny video. And then I was like, oh, no, this is serious. Let me put my phone away and try to like do something. That is so good. I'd be on the platform like, don't touch the third rail.

Well, or you could be like, if you want to go out right, touch the third rail. I don't know. Make it quick. and you have a very uh soothing voice and i feel like you have the voice of reason reasonable doubt i don't know you sound like if i hear you and i'm in distress i you know what when i'm having a bad day i'm gonna call you chanel i feel like you might not pick up you're like i'm i'm working right now i could very easily curve you i you know because i protect my mental state we were just talking about that you know sometimes you need to protect your mental state sometimes you

can't let people just be leaning on you all the time but i'm saying you can hit me sydney gonna sydney gonna lean horde on that that calm ass voice i call people once a month to you know that's a damn lie i've definitely had to cut you call people once a month i've had to cut comics out of my life before like yeah i can't speak on it girl what happened what was they talking about lean on me man crazy shit let's get can we get like a little insider i met i met this comic i'm not gonna say her name i met her like twice okay and then she called me from the hospital saying like i was drunk and things got crazy and i need help can you come get me i was like let me go through our mutual friends and find someone else who is better equipped let me jump on the

face because we don't really know each other that well but i could tell that she and she even told me when she when she came back to she told me she was like you know i was lit i had drank a lot and in my drunk state i only could think of you i could only think of i know chanel will help me i can call her and and she'll make sure that i'm okay and i did take care of her i found somebody to go get her and get her good you touched your butt before like what like she was that drunk and thought of you bitch like did you touch her chanel don't lie to me how close were y'all in your drunk state you thought of chanel i like two two names yes chanel ali you thought of both names you're like ali that's the world's greatest i'm that little

bit of a save me yo she saved me yo chanel i feel like we need to give you a quiz to see if you really are the expert but like i don't even know how we can test you even more do you have a question for her no i really don't i just really wanted to sit here and talk to you i felt like you know you're a cool person you work really hard uh i always have a good time when you're around i've never been like oh chanel so annoying you know nobody there's so many people like that were you cool in school like were you a cool kid yeah i i really felt like i had a lot of friends like i was cool with everybody are you one of those you're one of those you're friends with everybody i can't tell you everybody

yeah i wasn't friends with everybody but uh my brother was so i was like like they knew me because of who he was yeah and then people knew not to tell me stuff because i would laugh in their face yeah i was the friend that was like when and what happened and honestly when i think about like my upbringing and like my parents i feel like i developed a lot of self-peace because i had to make peace with that self-peace like i had to that's like another type of peace like i now i got taken away from my mom when i was two met my dad when i was 17 because we took a court ordered fraternity test oh he didn't want to take the test he was like nah you don't look like me they couldn't find him he's a cop they couldn't find him he's a cop oh they wasn't looking for

him they really weren't they were trying to cover it up yeah i'm sure they were when you've been in the foster care system they've been paying these foster parents and they want to get that money back so then they realize oh if this guy is the guy he got the money let's go get the money let's you know get the blood test how did they know that it was him um i really don't know they didn't tell me like they were never trying to connect us they were just trying to stop paying money yeah they were trying to get that money so they were like yo we think this guy could be it we're gonna force him to take a test you take a test so in meeting him and kind of giving him a fresh slate i had to really decide that i was gonna

forgive him like no matter what happened i had to decide like you know i can't get these 18 years back but here you are you're saying you want to try i'm gonna for myself forgive you because i can't be walking around mad at you all the time right like i'm not gonna live my best life if i'm walking around every day like i'm mad at my mom and i'm mad and you see those people out here you see them they're holding on to something that's like girl is gone when you just said like i don't never see that on you i take that as such a compliment and i hope that my brother is the same way because i always teach him like we're okay in ourselves that we don't need to walk around feeling less than like we are okay so what you're saying is you never want to have that will

smith moment on uh fresh prince where he was like how come you don't want me uncle phil but see he had to do that he had to say that out loud so he could let it go to a certain extent yeah so i feel like i had to learn to when i made peace with you know even at 10 i remember recognizing the reality like okay i'm in foster care and i'm moving around i don't know who my dad is my mom is yeah but you're like you're like a like a one in a million i think like person in the foster care system that can like like just make peace with and look past what that what was going on and i really credit that so much to my little brother because if i had to do it just for me i don't think i would have been strong enough but to have like a little kid who he's like a baby he

needs things he's crying and he needs to be changed and he has to eat like that consistency you were taking care of him yeah that consistency girl somebody gonna slide into your venmo right now and just drop you some gin they're like yo you're such a good person here's $50 go ahead go ahead and share your venmo yes every time i get paid i venmo my little brother as much as i can and sometimes come on yeah what's your venmo oh oh you want it yeah people listening my chanel dash ali she's taking care of her little brother y'all i don't know your little brother is about 30 now right so she's gonna need some funds on that so please get her in a venmo what size uh what's his uh what kind of jeans he wear he wear like a 34 32 or something like i

don't even know what that means you know your story is beautiful and i didn't even know all of this about you and i'm so happy that i was able to get to know you better and just wow and you're so chill and i mean i can't believe you didn't bring any weed for the yeah i'm a little upset about that but you saving lives though yeah so i was on time though i think that's important you were more than if i would have brought weed who knows if i would have been here on time and that burberry jacket where that okay all right chanel what's next for you where like what like what's next with you comedy career wise you just opened for chay at carolines yeah that was amazing um i'm holding out for some festivals this year um on the road a lot i always have all my gigs

post it up chanelali.com okay you can follow me at twitter chanel underscore underscore ali that's two underscores wow for reasonable doubt reasonable doubt mondays hashtag reasonable doubt mondays i always search that tag if you want to join in and i retweet it's dope because you know if you see any lyrics that speak to you i like to you know i guess i'll listen to it and also breathing i'm gonna be breathing y'all gonna be breathing yeah girl i always breathe okay breathe it breathe that breathe it breathe it as always you can catch me um at uh reesey r-e-e-e-z-y on instagram and on youtube at miss reesey m-s-r-e-e-e-z-y sydney where can they find you you can check me on uh instagram at just said b-w-j-u-s-t-s-y-d-b-w twitter just said nyc and you know hit me on

Facebook, man. I'm tired of these elderly people friending me on Facebook. Where are the young people at? I feel like you accept all the requests, though. No, I have not. Cindy has 5,000 friends. I have not. No, I stopped. How many friends you got on Facebook? I stopped months ago. Because you hit your friend limit. No, it's too many

weirdos. It's people that I'm like, how do you know me? I have 400 requests pending. Oh, my gosh. I don't even know where these people have met me. And then they'll be in my secret little messages or whatever. And they're like, saw you at a show or my friend recommended to me you recommended you for i was like you're old ass you about 80 where your show at your

house and home at the nurse thousand oaks exactly it's crazy you guys can come see us young or old rich or poor at karma lounge the second saturday of every month we only have two more shows left we do only have two more shows left yes the next one is on july 8th yes please come come to that it's gonna be a fun time it's a free show and then you know just make sure you comment subscribe steal your boyfriend's phone while he's sleeping check his dms and then also subscribe to the podcast on his phone please do that's all that we ask you to do yes do it chanel any any like last words any like fortune cookie mantras that you can give real good right now yes hit him with something one bar um every day do something for you oh that's cute that's cute

and my my line is sydney i need you to think i want to my line is um he who does not bring his wallet does not get to go out with me a second time. That's the line right there. I'm going to leave you. He who don't bring his wallet, don't get to see me again. We're going to get that added on you. Mine is trust in God and that

Uber pool. Wow. Okay. All right. Well, none of them are going to get killed. Thanks so much, guys. Bye. We'll be right back.