MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Cookout Expert" with Gordon Baker

Episode Date: March 23, 2018

A few more months until Summer. The ladies talk Cookouts with comedian Gordon Baker.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hey hello hello welcome to the individual x with podcast with marie and her friend sydney yo my voice is yo me and you switch we got matching voices no i don't think mine is that deep is it i don't know no is it sir no how deep is your love for me tell me what it's going to be yo i'm getting so congested i don't know what the fuck is going on right now ew i got the sniffles i put vicks all over my neck and nose your back and your crack everything wow to put it everywhere i sniffed it i like vicks why it's i don't like it at all it makes me feel old but i used to my mom used to put it on me when i was a kid so i feel like it makes me feel young. It makes you feel

old? Maybe you're using something wrong. Maybe you're using like Bengay. No. Imagine. You might not be using the right fix. You're using Bengay for congestion. You're using like a hemorrhoid cream or something, sis. You're using the wrong

Let me see a picture of the box. I'm cutting corners. I'm just supposed to put some Bengay on my nose. On my chest. Right on top of my upper lip. Gross. It's got a strong smell. It'll cut the mucus. Gross. Cut the mucus I need Mucinex

That's what I need You dropping name brands on here? We're not sponsored by Mucinex Don't go buy that Go get some Bengay Sis, this is how you get sponsored You gotta do the plugs You gotta do the free work

Yes, because somebody over at Marketing at Mucinex Is like, them two dudes that do that podcast You know, the ones with the raspy voices They real funny Yo, we could do a little group with the raspy voices The Quiet Storm The Quiet Stone by Raspi. Raspi and Raspi.

Raspi? Raspi and Raspi. From B2K? He was the one with the juicy lips? Yeah, he's the one who said he got touched. Well, that's why his lips look like that. Oh, come on, Marie. You're so fucking stupid.

This is why we can't have... I know what you want. Raspi probably work at like a Foot Locker now. That's why they got that song. She in bump, bump, bump. You know, he work at like a Planet Fitness now. You know, when you think of, like, one-hit wonders, like, you think that they'd be at their jobs and, like, their song will randomly come on the radio sometimes. Remember Jaquan?

Everybody in the club getting tipsy. Oh, and that's a good song. Okay, the problem is when I hear that song at the nightclub, I'm like, it's time to go. Well, yeah, it comes on right before Candy Rain. Yes, or they play it at the top because nobody's there. And if you're there when they're playing it. You're there too early. Yeah, you got there at, like, 1030.

Yeah. Doors didn't even really open. The janitor is like. But you see, you're saying 10.30, but we live in New York where things stay open until 6 o'clock in the morning. In like Jersey and places like that, stuff shuts down at like midnight. So we're leaving our house when they're leaving the club. But you know why they shut down early? Because y'all are animals.

Y'all don't know how to act. After fucking 2 a.m., 3 a.m. Savages. Savages. That's why they shut the shit down. They're like, you know what? I think I'm done with all my songs for the night. And they just...

New Jersey people turn into gremlins after midnight. They turn into Furbies. This is hilarious because our guest is from New Jersey. Yes. We're not going to give him any time to defend himself. Yes, Furby Teletubby. You better do it. Tell it, Furby.

Sydney, what were you an expert in this week? What was I an expert in this week? Oh, are you not prepared? You ain't do the work? You ain't do the homework? Honestly, I feel like we've been doing a lot of them, and I've been running out of expertise. I feel like, okay, so I don't know when we're going to post this,

but uh you know so i'm getting ready to go to la and we're recording legit 38 episodes in a week so y'all are just getting some old old old things from us definitely well i'll tell you what i was an expert in i was an expert in uh dodging dodging stuff and hurting feelings let me tell you what happened so you know i'm on this little dating app uh and uh i uh i went out with this dude uh He's Italian, but from Italy, like in New York, working on his PhD. He was like, let's meet for tea. But he hit me up. It was brunch time, right?

I was like, cool, cool, cool. I'm going to eat. I get to this place. It's in my ex-boyfriend's neighborhood, so I'm already apprehensive. That's the word I'm going to use. But if you want to make a nigga mad, show up with another white man. But this was not an attractive white man, so I was like, oh, he not going to be mad about this. There's nothing happening here.

so i um so i get there the dude is already there he's waiting for me outside i was like you don't look like your picture that what what photos what do you look like what do you look like set the scene what's up he was uh he was like six foot something that oh okay right but when you think of italian man what in your mind what does he look like like from italy he got like dark hair he probably got like a like like green eyes or something mateo which he maybe got like some hair popping out the turtleneck you know what i mean but this guy was like he looked real young but like old at the same time he's been through something he's been through things right so we get in it's brunch everybody's in there with their friends eating and having a good time he's

like do you want to have some tea i'm like cool we're gonna do the tea and then we're gonna do the food they give us a menu he was like i might do like a pastry or something oh when they do the pastry that's the end you know bitch you getting it we not eating today sis we not eating today snack i was like wow because i could tell that he was one of those when the check came he's gonna be like you owe 18 and 30 he was like a snack for my snack that's it so i'm sitting there drinking my tea real fast just burning my throat because i'm ready to go right i'm like already i'm like i'm not here for this but he was also really boring like real he was talking about donald trump oh god on the dreamers on the first date i was like niggas is drinking mimosas around us

and you talking about this and did he look at your face did you have your face on since we were said no i didn't have a face he said can you get her a stick of gum i went up there with my with my with my regular face and did you have a head wrap on did you have no what'd you put on i don't think i might you don't put makeup on for brunch wait wait did you go look like you you were doing the laundry you're like i'm just making it stop and you know when i do laundry i'll be real free because it's in my building so i don't even have on pants sometimes i'd be like what up jenny how you doing just washing some panties because i'm all out anyway so uh i finished the tea they came the bartender came several times to be like did y'all need

anything and he was like he was like and i was like so i go to the bathroom come back start putting my coat on immediately right he's like what are you up to for the rest of the day i was like i'm about to go get some food because i'm hungry he was like oh okay i was like yeah i'm go get some food after this because i'm famished right so we go outside he's like let me walk you to the train we're going the same direction i'm already trying to say goodbye at the door we're going the same way right we cross the street together he i hug him he hugged me he tried to kiss me when i tell you i'm matrixed sis when i tell you the dip in my back when i dip you dip we dip i dipped so hard in the middle of the street just sierra style just no you can't kiss

me you didn't feed me not my goodies you can't kiss me you didn't feed me you can't kiss me anyway but you definitely can't if you got me what what did he get you a eclair like a no sis he didn't get you my mouth was he got you a biscuit dry he got you a little biscotte a biscotti he got you biscotti in the middle of the street curved him cars are driving by just just driving by and uh i crossed the street went right into the bodega and got a sausage chicken cheese and uh tell your niggas is bold okay because i told you i went out with one several several several years ago he bought me a zara dress and he thought he was gonna get anal from a zara dress oh a zara dress that was on sale he he tried to act like he got your

clearance yes and then i went i was like wait this is the same dress 1799 so i let him put in my butt and i was like damn for zara let him put it in your butt did you have the dress on when Did you hike the dress up for him to get to your butt? Sis, for $9.99? It was off the shoulder. Sis, for 80% off, you let him get 100% of the ass? It was off his shoulder. Wow.

Listen, he gave me half a Creed bottle. You're saying it was off the shoulder, so he slid the dick from the top? No. The dress was off the shoulder. Sis, please tell me what you want. Italian dudes are bold. They shoot, they shot, okay? They don't care if they play for the Knicks.

They shoot it, they drop it, everything. They don't care. Sis. so my core is real strong i'm so sorry for you i'm so sorry for your loss honestly you shouldn't be going outside if you're not getting no food what's up with these i gotta stay home dude i got milk and cereal at the house okay you got old packs of ramen in here okay old packs old packs and you know they don't expire all right they don't the preservatives keep that msg keeps them fresh uh what was our expert in um what was our expert in uh tricking dominoes oh you were

able to trick them into getting oh yes i put in another address uh i put in another name but i put in my number them niggas banned me i said for real not really i put in another for real not really i put in another address like four blocks down no no uh four doors down and then i just had them call me and they're like we're downstairs and then he's like all the way up the block and i'm I'm like, erp, erp, erp, yeah, yeah, I was like, yeah, yeah, I was yelling at all this shit to Domino's, and he was like, oh, well, the address is, I was like, you know what, I got fat fingers, little typos, I don't really know how to type, little typos, 10, 19, 20, who knows, you know, here it is, thank you, and I got my wings, and I got my pizza, so

fuck you, Domino's, I get mine. Round of applause for you for gaming the system. You're not going to stop me. Who's going to stop me? Who's going to check me, boo? Not Domino's. Not Domino's. Okay.

Okay. Speaking of check me, boo. Speaking of Domino's. Speaking of Domino's. Speaking of doughy. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

So sorry. What is wrong with you? I don't know. It's the tea. I'm so rude. Actually. Ain't no drugs in the tea, sis. This is one of my favorite comedians.

Okay. Get into it. He's from Newark. So that says a lot. It does, because if you're from Newark and I like you, like, you have to be funny. Okay, yeah. You have to. I guess I see what you're saying.

Yeah. Well, go ahead and do the introduction, nigga. Damn. Okay, he's a comedian. He's a writer. He has a podcast. He be dicking people down on the regular. On Thursdays.

On Thursdays. He got a dick appointment after this. He told us. Give it for Gordon Baker Bone. Gordon Baker Bone is our... What do you do to the Domino's people? You gotta listen to them. You got to listen to the last couple episodes.

She was banned. I said it too many times, but I got banned, and I ran up. I pulled up on Domino's, and I tried to curse them out. She pulled up on foot, though. Yeah, on foot, so I didn't have another car to get into like you. All right, all right. Yeah, but they banned me, but it was for like three, four weeks, but I got mine. I got mine.

What kind of dipping sauces you got for the wins? I have some blue cheese. I put in an extra one for me. I was like, treat yourself, bitch. treat yourself bitch uh actually i forgot to say your expertise gordon it's uh cookouts yep sir cookouts expert i uh i finagle my own cookouts and i scam my way into other people's cookouts yeah white barbecues i don't like white barbecues well let's talk what's the white people white people have barbecues black people have cookouts yes so when you go to a white person barbecue what

do they have hot dogs hamburgers right hot dogs hamburgers unless they try to get fancy and they try to do like wings on a grill and it's not great at all and they'd be dry there's no sauce on it and just like i but like barbecues are more for drinking you go there just to drink and play you sound like an alcoholic dude what do you mean you sound like an alcoholic yeah well maybe all my white friends they drink so i go to i go to cookouts for food well that's what you go to cookouts for food you go to barbecues with white people we went to a barbecue once and the white people right remember it was like a the grill they was flipping things with their fingers yeah white people let me tell you they were they were petting the dog and then giving the dog

somebody yeah i went to a memorial day barbecue and the dude was on the grill and then he was like letting the dog lick his fingers but flipping the meat with them same dog tongue fingers and i was eating a burger at the time i threw the burger off the roof i was like this is why i don't like eating y'all's food. Barbecues, it's just for games and drinking. They don't really partake in the good deliciousness. We make quality burgers. I go all

out for mine. I can tell by your hairline. I'm turning into my grandfather. My grandfather used to be in front of the grill. I just thought it was goofy how much pride he took it. Tell me what you do into your burgers that make your burgers special. I do a bacon brisket burger.

Bacon brisket burger? Wait, wait, wait, wait. I might jump on the train to New Jersey for that. Maybe. It's like ground beef with brisket. Makes them a little bit of fat pork belly. And, yeah. What?

Okay, Rachel Ray. All right. Newark, Rachel Ray. Yeah, yeah. Do that. What else do I do? I do brats. Because, like, some dudes like that.

Brats? That's a link. Yeah, bratwurst. That's a real baby. That's sausage. I do brats. I do brats, bro. Do you even brat, bro?

Yeah, I got a couple brats in the trunk. Cheryl's coming. She's bringing the kids. Yeah, like, I just, my cookhouse, because I do my own now, and I invite my friends. You got a yard? I used to do it in my parents' yard, but now I rent out the park in Newark. You rent out the park? Wait, hold on.

Can you tell the listeners about where you're from? Because I feel like they don't know how terrible it is. You're like, oh, I do it in Newark. At the park. The white people listening in Newark. I'm from Newark, New Jersey. Get a bad rap Just Google Newark

You said it's a bad rap It has a bad rap It has a bad rap No no no What's a movie from Newark New Jersey Drive Okay

I don't know that movie New Jersey Drive Terrible movie New Jersey was the number one Car theft capital in the world For like 10 years So they decided to make a movie Heavy D was in it

Queen Latifah was in it And they didn't actually Have directors go around Shooting people Pretending to steal cars They just took Stolen car footage Yes

That cops had From their dash cam Yes That movie sounded real low budget it was that movie sounded like a home video it was very new work uh donald fazan was in it from uh scrubs uh well i know him from clueless yeah he was stacy dash's boyfriend and he had braces yeah he was in it and like i the best part about new jersey drive is like well for me it was like where i lived so i knew all those streets and i knew like so you were happy to see

it yeah do you know how it's getting depicted right he's like look at us look at us on the big screen we do it well i got depressed one time because i found out like i used to watch akon's ghetto that video yeah what so what song is that it just that's i just sang it's a song ghetto about like just how living in poverty how poverty is and i'm watching the video i was like man this town looks terrible man i watched like five times and then they drove by your car that's my parents house there i am on the grill in the park oh my god i was like damn they living bad out there and i was like and then you were on the screen you're like oh my god that's me waving at a con

and body rolling yeah man like jersey we get a bad rap yeah we close at two o'clock but like our strip clubs stay open till five and there's b-y-o-b i got strip clubs over there yeah most of our strip clubs is b-y-o-b so people just come in b-y-o-b if i have to bring my drinks to the strip club i'm not i'm not coming to the strip club how is the strip club making any money If they're not Selling alcohol Charge the cover And they charge you for like

Say if you need a cup Or like you want a soda They charge you for cups? Yeah Well if you BYOB And you not bringing cups Then you deserve to get Charged for two cups

Definitely Like I brought the liquor Who got the cups? Exactly No you can't bring liquor inside You gotta leave the liquor In your trunk You can bring in

Any beer, champagne, wine All that stuff I'm not bringing champagne To the strip club I'm not bringing my own Champagne to the strip club What are we celebrating? This strip club is

BYO owned stripper too Probably It's like, what are we celebrating? It's like, well, I'm dropping off my sister. You're like, I just started CVS. Now she up there twerking? OK. And she didn't give me all my change.

Me and my friends, we do this thing called Epic Brunch in Jersey. Like, we go to this place. It's a strip club. Y'all go to the strip club for brunch? We go to the strip club, actually, because it's free on Sundays. Oh, I was like, I thought the brunch was a strip club. I was like, what the fuck is going on? All you could eat ass is at the strip club.

But you got to bring your own mimosas. Ass Benedict. You got to bring your own bellinis. yeah we go we go on sundays because it's free before if we get there by like three so we like who is at the strip club that early on a sunday you have no family no family you don't love yourself it'd be packed there oh my god oh my god is it is it full nude full nude so you could see the labians yeah yeah yeah it gets pretty raunchy on sunday on the lord's day yeah i'll Probably across the street from a church, too.

Like a big-ass church with bells. Me and my friends would go in, look real quick. We'd play cards while we were in there, and then we'd dip. We'd watch football. Y'all play spades at the strip club? Yes. We play spades, we play kings. Listen, if you could see my fallopian tubes and you playing Uno, everybody getting shot up.

Everybody. Everybody getting dropped for it. Everybody getting dropped for it. And then six reverses. She was so into the game. I'm killing everybody. She came out. She just took off her bra.

She threw it at the cards? No, she just took off her bra, threw it to the side. and just laid down for two songs and got back up and then left after she was done. That's me, yo. I just laid the fuck down. I'm like, hey, do what you want. This ain't even my full-time gig.

My side gig. Exactly. I'm just here trying to send my kids to private school. Charity's dope, but you just got to go to the right parts. Everybody thinks it's that white part. We got some dope parts in Newark, Irvington. That's where the Haitians at. No, if the Haitians are there, that means it's dangerous.

i have i have a terrible story about going to newark um i met a dude i know already hate the story i met a dude at one of those like expensive boutiques like intermix or whatever or something like that i met him i thought he worked there he actually was just a delivery guy oh sis you didn't see the brown shorts no no you're like he look real he matches really well had no fucking idea he jumped into his car i was like oh my god i'm about to give me some new j brand jeans i'm get some Citizen of Humanity jeans. I was like, oh, I'm about to, he the plug. He the plug.

So he was like, oh, you know, come through. And I was like, okay, cool. Where you live? He's like, New Jersey. I was like, okay. He was like, Newark. I had never been to Newark before. But the name sounds hood to me, dude.

It is. People in Australia hear Newark, and they're like, oh, that sounds like I'm not going to know. Oh, you're saying it wrong. You got to say Newark, N-O-R-K. Newark. Y'all don't know how to pronounce it? No, because when y'all say Newark, it sounds like New York.

And that's not Don't act like that's where you're going No, we're not from Newark No, we're not New York We're Newark Newark Yeah Newark

People say Newark I know, nigga Don't try to put no holiday sauce on it That ain't us It's a holiday Don't you dare Don't you fucking dare Don't you put a cherry on top

Put an accent agoo on it We don't believe you He said He said, okay So when you get off the train I had to walk from the path To his place He's like, alright

So it's a little rough he didn't come pick you up no because he was scared he was he don't really he was like no i don't really come out after a certain time you can't really come out i was like man the dick better be great so i go there he don't even have his own place he's got a room he's renting he's renting a room in newark yeah it looked like when i got off the train it looked like uh grand theft auto like somebody somebody hit you with their car until you stole

your purse. You're like, ten points. You just laid on the street. Yes. Yes, Lord. He just left you. How long was the walk? Because in my mind, it was way too many blocks. Please don't tell me it was a long walk.

It was... Sidney walked slow, too. She probably had a heel on. It wasn't that long. She was trying to look cute for his Jersey dick. It was like five blocks or whatever. No, but he came and he met me at the bus stop near his place.

Because we went to go get, we got some quote, quote drinks. Y'all got some drinks? Y'all split an Amaretto Sour? We got an Arizona iced tea. A raspberry. Y'all had a Four Loko? Two straws. Two straws. You had two

straws. Hey, that dollar can, you get a lot for a dollar for an Arizona iced tea. Yeah, you get diabetes and you lose your leg. You can actually split it with somebody else. You lose five toes. So you lose half the leg. You lose half it.

So I'm there. He's got a room. So he's got other roommates. But they are like bangers. They're legit in a gang. So there's guns. There's guns on the mantles. And you walked in.

You were like, oh, the corner is very hunters and gatherers. There was guns everywhere. He had guns. He said, militia. There was guns everywhere. But he had a cat. So I was like, oh, that can't be. that cat was queen bee that cat is the one that told them who to rob dude what gang was this did

you ask did you ask if he was affiliated no did you have the right colors no he's like i just rent a room i don't really know these niggas as well don't worry no he's not there's no way i'm written and you just got guns he wasn't renting that was his mother's house those were his brothers and that was his dad no one of the dudes that came out definitely didn't look anything like sis you were at a halfway house really you might have been you might have been you were at a halfway house in newark when i tell you we was on that twin bed oh twin benity i was on a day bed sheets paper mache curtains barely there i was like well he had the he had the venetian blinds but like some of them was missing some of them are like

broken three i can't yo when i tell you i gave it up and in i was thinking the whole time like yo how bad is this is it that bad well how good was the dick the penis was there he had a penis oh my god it was present it was present was it paying attention no it was present but it was passing notes oh my god are we are we ever gonna get to cookout i mean so i fucked this dude in newark and i was like i'm never going back and then did he walk you to the bus stop or he made you leave he walked me he walked me back to the train all right the next day he watched me he walked the next day the sun's up he's like i could come out with you well he had to go he Well, he got to take the train

to the delivery truck, so he sounded like he had the delivery truck at the crib. When you were having sex with him, did you see an ankle bracelet? No. Any tattoos? No. The low-key, tell me why,

years later, this person is a comedian. That we know? No, you don't know him. But I'll show you a picture of him. Gordon might know him. actually they probably went to school together yo you actually might

fucking know him let me pull it oh man you're like please don't let it be somebody else he already knows who it is he got tattoos he got a cleft lip no tats he might he's really big he's tall

and he's asked me to be on the warm up and I was like I'm not letting nobody who's been up in me be up on the show It's one of those comedians that get a lot of hood flyers on their Instagram Oh sis, look at Gordon's face

It's not Let me see, let me see Hey, let me He knew, let me see Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh lord

Wow York niggas man I'll tell you Yo I want to tell you I was a I was a cool 22 So

It was nowhere near Oh man It's not Wait I want to see who it is You not going to show me? Word Cookout to everybody Marie I don't want to show you

Why? You showed him You know what I'll just I'll just text Gordon later Oh sis That is a strong forehead That's a strong dome sis

Since I'm a lesbian So all my dick resume Has been deleted Yeah The cookies have been cleared Yeah The cookie cachet Yeah

Gordon Gordon Gordon Are you okay? Oh man No he wants to know If you're okay Yeah man

I'm not actually Let's talk about cookouts man I gotta talk to them What are y'all doing out here? Let's get What is y'all What do you mean what I'm doing? Not y'all

I'm talking about The Newark dude Well at least I got walked to Back to the Path. Okay. It's a lease. But since you were on the Jersey side

of the path. You weren't on the New York side of the path. You were on the New Jersey side. He was on the New Jersey side. They get live down there.

They get live. Did he pour Hennessy on your naked body when he was at a sex machine? Treat yourself. I feel like they don't do Hennessy in Newark. No, we do.

Y'all make y'all homemade drinks. They make bathtub brews. We're more of a Remy crowd. Y'all got moonshine. I think Remy, VSOP is like top shelf. Henny's starting to come back now, but nah, we ain't like that. All right, let's get back into these cookouts, dudes.

So what drinks would you have at a cookout? Yeah. Drinks, I usually, I tell people to bring their own, but if I do have something. Do you trust that? Do you trust people to bring their own? Like if they made the drink at home, you're not afraid? No, don't bring any something that you made. You can bring a bottle.

What? I bought some jungle juice. Where you want me to set it down? Hey, Rufy and everybody at my cookout have everyone passed out. Not at the park that he rented. The park he rented. I didn't know that people paid to rent the park. How much does it cost?

A hundred. For the day? Yeah. Everybody got to put in $2. I feel like in Brooklyn, people just pull a grill out. Yeah. No one pays for anything here. Nah, but like cops run up on you like, what are you going to do?

Oh, yeah, where your permit? Yeah. You got a permit? Where your papers at? You throw the grill at the cop and then you run to the car. That's my spare grill That's my good grill That is one thing that amazes me about New York

Y'all can just pull up anywhere with a grill and start cooking But you can't have a grill In certain Sections? No, apartments You can't have it on your roof Some places, like some condos You can't have a grill

Key word in that sentence is condos In an apartment complex, you can do whatever you want But in a condo If there's a housing board, if there's a co-op board Then yeah But that doesn't make sense If I'm paying for this place Why can't I have my grill out

But are you paying sis I'm asking real questions For the listeners So like We have liquor and shit like that But I tell people to bring that Because if I'm going to supply the food At least you can bring your own drink

I have juice and stuff What kind of beverages you got You got RC You got cola I go grab my mom's Costco card and I go over there and I try to, like, because I hate when, like, the one thing I can't stand. I do it to other people, too.

Go to people's cookout and if they ain't got something, they're going to talk shit about you. Yeah. I talk shit about everybody cookout. Well, what the condiments looking like? Oh, ketchup, A1, mustard. I just want to let you know A1 is really disrespectful to steak, like good steak. Oh, I don't put it on steak. You shouldn't. I put it on my burger.

What? Maybe, no. My mmm was a different mmm than Sidney's. I'm like, mmm, maybe. I don't know. Oh, you said you'd be making brisket. Yeah. Dude, I go fancy with my burgers, man. I get like fucking boar's head cheeses and whatnot.

Boar's head cheeses. That's from the deli, nigga. Like, that's from the bodega. That's fancy. That's fancy to me. Do you have a gouda? Yeah, I got a gouda. Oh, yeah, I get the chipotle gouda every now and then.

What's a chipotle gouda? That's a spicy gouda. Yeah, man. I like spicy food. My dad's guy needs. I can tell by your neck you like the heat. Yeah. Your dad is guy needs.

So would you be having like, do you West Indian it up a little bit? All the time. plantains and stuff? We don't do plantains. We do other stuff like snacks like pine tarts and stuff like that. What the hell is that? Pine tarts? It's like a pastry. You being the chef making pastries? I don't make pastries.

I have somebody else do that. I'll make pastries. That's gay. Not what y'all could bake. I don't know how to bake. What is it called? Pine tarts. Okay, so are you doing like a salad? What you doing? You doing like a rice? I don't do salads. If you want a salad, you gotta bring a salad, bro.

Why you don't make a salad? Salads are good. I know, but, like, I have other stuff. I have fruits and pineapples and all that type of stuff, like a fruit salad, potato salad, stuff like that. Yeah, but what else do you have besides these fancy-ass burgers? Sometimes I might do steak. Sometimes I might do, like, some little shrimps and whatnot on the grill. Yo, let me tell y'all, because I feel like I'm spoiling the bobs. Wait, hold on.

These pine tarts are, look, yummy as fuck. I'm here for a little pine tart. Ooh, that looks like a little apple pie. Yeah. You had a good time. Is it apple? No, I don't even know what's in it. It's some type of preservative

that my mom and my aunt would call it a preservative. It's some jams, isn't it? It's a preserve. Yeah, I know what I'm saying. When my mom does her cookouts, she'll make rice and beans. She'll make chicken.

She'll do... She does rice? What? My mother will make pasta. Yeah, you gotta have... She'll make pasta with shrimp in it. My mother makes... Like, when all West Indian cookouts

that I go to in Brooklyn, that's how the food is. It's, like, food, food, and then, like, the burgers are like, I might have a burger. Yeah, there's no burgers or hot dogs at these types of cookouts. Mama, they don't care about no damn hot dogs.

We're here for the rice. It's a real food. Like, they have, like, food. Like, my aunts, like, my guy on the inside of the family, if they do a cookout, it's stuff like that. Yeah. For me, like, I'm more like my mom's side. You're trying to do, like, a artisanal burger or something.

Yeah, like, my mom's like, we hood with it, like, down south kind of stuff. That's a basic black cookout. Yeah. I'm talking about, like, West Indian. Yo, West Indian cookouts aren't really cookouts. They're just like someone cooked inside and brought it outside. They do. You cook inside and you bring it outside.

That's exactly what a cookout is for us. I went to my Haitian friend's cookout, and they had four different types of rice. Yes. It was crazy. It was a white rice, a black rice, a yellow rice. Dang, the cookout? That's just someone cooked. That's eating outside.

Yeah. But then the grill be on. Yeah. They'll do the meat on the grill. Mm-hmm. Oh, they do ribs and stuff? Yeah. All right.

They'll do ribs. Do you have a little jerk chicken going on there? I don't do jerk chicken. Why? What kind of fucking cookout is this? Wait. No one's jerking chickens on a cookout. You're not having a cookout.

You're having a barbecue. Yeah. You black man on a grill. Because I ain't got jerk chicken and like cook up rice and all that. Cook up, cook up. What's the music situation? Music situation? Now it's the iPod.

Somebody, not iPod. Your phone, hook it up to the Bluetooth speaker. You don't have a DJ, dude? Why would I have a DJ? You got to have a real DJ at a cookout. You need people to have a good time. You need the atmosphere. No, I mean, he paid.

Exactly. The DJ money is for the venue, sis. Ah, that's what it is. You're cutting corners. He got a little beat. He got a beat pill. I got a big Sony speaker That I throw out there

He pulls his car up and turns Open the trunk, open all the doors You put the Beats pill in a cup So that you can echo So you can hear it But only a cup that other people bought Because they gotta provide You don't provide cups or juice

I have cups, I have the utensils But other than that Are you buying the cheap paper plates You got a double stack Or are you buying the styrofoam I hate those. You talking about the white ones that got like frailed on the side? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck that. No, I hate that. Because you can't even take a to-go plate with that. So you believe in a to-go. Yeah. Because some people get real weird about the to-go. They're like, well, what did you bring? What's the situation here?

Well, if you didn't bring nothing, you can't leave with three to-go plates. I'll give you one. Yeah. I mean, all this food came to me. Because I ain't going to take any. I said, well, what you going to do with all this food, though? I'm going to eat for the rest of the year. That's what I'm going to do.

I mean for the rest of the year We do that We play some spades Play some dominoes That's a must Has anybody ever gotten shot at one of your cookouts? Not shot but got into a fight If a cookout don't end in a fight then you're doing something wrong

They want to throw hands with each other Like somebody did some goofy shit Or brought somebody in and think should have been there You have a specific story About somebody that was brought that wasn't supposed to be there? An ex showed up But it's a cookout It's in a public place

You're not eating my food If we not together If you're not eating my ass You're not eating my food Wow, Marie You can rent that plot At the park Strict rules

At the cookout Yeah, yeah It's like some exes They just show up They see you having a cookout They're like, oh, I'm coming through No, don't do that So then, okay

So your ex came Did you speak to her? No, I didn't speak to her My girl and girl spoke to her And I asked her to get out of there Your girl? Yeah The girl I was dating at the time

Oh, okay So how'd she pull up? What happened? The girl was there? She was like, what the fuck you doing here? And got kind of animated. Oh, so the girls were fighting? Yeah.

I thought it was men. No. I thought they were fighting over the food. No, no, I'm fighting over the food. Nothing like that. Most of the dudes that come to my cookout, they're cool as shit. Nobody really cause problems like that. I mean, it's Newark.

It's Newark, though. We don't believe you. Yeah, they might know each other. They be lifting their shirts up. They be like, well, what you going to do there? What you going to do there? You know we don't fuck with each other. I popped the trunk right now.

What you going to do there? Newark has changed. and I know it just changed and Cory Booker came through, started jogging, got his all cardio fit. Cory Booker, he is doing a good job.

Send me what you got on Cory Booker, sis. Well, isn't he dating a friend of a friend? He's dating a friend of a friend, but what you know about Cory Booker in Newark, sis?

I mean, I know that he's dating a friend of a friend, so he's got to be doing good work. Wait, like a friend of a friend? Yeah, a friend of our friend. Mm-hmm. They be going to Costa Rica and stuff.

They be living their best lives. Oh, she's not like... Oh, see, that was the key part. What? There's a big rumor in Newark, that Cory Booker's guy? Oh, not on our podcast. Not on our

motherfucking podcast. You better not. I mean, we don't know if she'd be strapping up for him, but we know that she is with him. I don't speak of any... The podcast is over. Shut it down. If you want to do the podcast and be our Cory Booker expert, you can do it.

I don't need anybody shutting down unofficial expert with haikus. No. We can't have it. My fault. My fault. But the rumor in Newark, because he changed Newark. Go ahead, Sidney, let him talk. He was just so different from what Newark was used to. Because y'all not used to nice things.

Educated light-skinned dude came to Newark and was like, we gonna change some stuff? And y'all were like, oh, he must be gay. Yeah, he was like, because he's educated and light-skinned. He jogging, what the fuck? Whole Foods, man. Oh my god. Is a Whole Foods in Newark now? Yeah. Gordon, don't you have a Twitter? Yeah, I got Twitter. There's a Whole Foods in Newark now? Yes.

I live about, what, eight blocks away from a Whole Foods now. I'm boof. I can love it. That's where you begin all that brioche for your... What's the macaroni and cheese situation? Are y'all making a mac and cheese? I let my mom make mac and cheese. What's the cheeses in the mac and cheese? He doesn't speak it.

I don't know. I don't make it. My mom makes it. She bakes it. I don't like anybody that don't bake their mac and cheese. You can't have mac and cheese without baking it. Don't tell people that, because people will come up to you and be like, no, you just put it in the pot.

Which people are saying that? Oh, these are the whites. Oh, yeah, the people that are having barbecues. barbecues. Some people do some wild shit with their fucking mac and cheese. Did y'all go to the Creegan Cave when they had the mac and cheese contest? Absolutely not. Who the fuck did that?

What was going on? It was a sausage and mac and cheese contest. People put some wild shit in their mac and cheese. Some of it was soupy. Some of it was on point. Somebody baked a macaroni and cheese that had bacon and lobster in it. I was like, alright. They had money to blow.

Yeah, I'm like, I don't know who the fuck. Bacon and lobster? Somebody had like a jalapeno mac and cheese I'm here for that And then it was some other shit that I didn't touch And then it was some boxed mac and cheese It was like the weird noodles I just want to let y'all know

In college I was like Velveeta is like the best Mac and cheese In college you said that or as an adult you're saying that to us right now No I said at college In college That's the last time you had it That powdery ass cheese

I have regular no good mac and cheese As an adult But in college I was like Velveeta That is the best All day But when was the last time You had Velveeta

College I have not had it Since college Okay Was it the microwave One You know The cheese packet

Sidney throws everything In the microwave Sidney don't throw A hard boiled egg In the microwave I'm like I'm making Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner

From the microwave Throw a potato In the microwave I do That's crazy What That's what I do sometimes That's crazy

Y'all got radiation All in your pores That's why your eyebrows You gotta stab it a couple times You gotta put it in the oven for eight days Stab it We ain't got time for that We ain't got time to bake a potato that long

We got shit to do We New Yorkers Listeners, how do you do your How do you do your baked potatoes How do you do it That's crazy You ever had a microwave But I don't microwave my potatoes

Why not, cause I bake them You wrap them in some oil You wrap them in foil You throw it in I leave the house Come back It's almost ready Build and be on fire

Be like is it me No my potato's still in there The way a baked potato works Is you gotta You gotta make it When you're not hungry Cause it'll be finished You gotta make it

For when you will be hungry Exactly You gotta plan ahead You gotta wake up And be like I'm gonna brush my teeth No no no I'm gonna bake my potato

Then brush my teeth It'll be ready in time Then run my errands It'll be ready in time For lunch It'll be ready by dusk Listen you take it you wash it,

you put some olive oil on it, you put some salt on the outside, stab it a couple times, throw it in foil, and throw it in. No, wait. Now, cookouts, when you go to other people's cookouts, do you trust everybody's food? No. Because you don't know if people are using gloves or washing their hands. You don't know if they rinse the chicken. How do you know?

My favorite question that people ask when they go to cookouts is, like, yo, who made this? Who dishes this? Who did this? So people got to label their shit. They got to label it. They be like, this is... Or you just ask, and then people just pass the word, Oh, Susan made that. She cool.

Susan made it? I'm not going to eat it. I don't know no black Susans. I know a couple black Susans. I need a Pam. Pam is going to throw the fuck down or whatever she means. I need somebody with a crooked wig to do it. Like a short, crooked wig.

Oh, my God. If someone's sweating and they didn't even start talking yet, that person. They get the fuck out of their ribs. If they got like the neck rolls in the front, then you know the food is going to be good. That's what I need. If they got underarm meat, yes. If they got the socks Like those black people

Those black people Sandals You know the thick African ones With the strap on the side Yes And they maybe Have a little sock on

That's when the food Is going to be good If they got Verico's veins The mac and cheese Yes It's lit It's delicious

So all my uncles Every single last One of my uncles Yeah Yeah If it's somebody Who's like Well there's a quinoa burger

I'm not My sister's trying To pull that shit now She got a vegan How you feel about that I feel like they Desecrate in The cookout

with this vegan shit. It's blasphemous. It is very blasphemous. She used to eat chicken all the time. She ate everything. And all of a sudden, she got this new Jamaican husband. Now she's all vegan

and trying to tell me to change my life. Okay, but when her husband comes to the cookouts, does he bring weed for you? No. Well, then he can't come. No. She's got to go. We all get mad at him

because he goes, there's nothing for me to eat. You don't have any rice or anything? No. Rice. Bring your own damn rice. Yo, let me tell you what happened. Somebody threw tofu on the fucking grill, and I was like, shut it down!

Shut it down! They feel like tofu is going to melt into the grill. They threw it on the grill. Oh, hell no. Somebody brought a, is it bokeh or boot? Something like that. But it was a spicy bean burger, and they tried to slip it on the grill, and someone ate it and got real pissed off and threw the whole box out.

It was like, nigga, what are you doing? Threw the whole box out. What are you doing? What kind of cheeses are you providing for these burgers? Oh, look. I do it all. American cheese, provolone. Like, I have a...

How dare you? American? Some people like American cheese. That's the tackiest cheese. We, after 21, nobody should be eating American cheese. Don't tell that to the niggas I know. One of them niggas is from Newark, so we wasn't going to talk to them anyway. They grabbed that goddamn plastic cheese and just ripped that foil off.

Oh, man. That plastic cheese. I'm going to have one of them come to my house And I'll give them some Munster cheese and see how they feel about that Are you German? What the fuck are you trying to feed me Munster for? They like she must be gay It's real Cory Booker of her

Well I am Gay ass cheese So how do you do your Do you prep your burger meat The night before or are you getting like the patties The frozen ones? I prep my ribs the night before I do my ribs the night before Let's talk about ribs you got beef or pork ribs

I do pork traditional beef ribs take a little bit too long and like honestly guys i don't know the difference between beef oh you know the difference you could taste the difference beef ribs taste like steak uh pork ribs are like is that like the is that the default rib yeah pork is the usual okay well then i i do my i wrap mines in foil when i cook on the grill cook them for at least dude how you gonna come here without no food you didn't bring nothing you got a backpack what's in the backpack just condoms? No, not just other stuff.

Condoms. You fucking raw, man? He got plan B in the backpack, sis. So you raw dog in it, huh? On a Thursday? Yeah, man. You don't care about your life.

I don't care about my life. I mean, he live in Newark, sis. He don't care about his life. Oh, man. Y'all gotta come down to Newark, man. Nah. You gonna invite us

to a cookout this summer? You know what? Yeah. Y'all should come out to Chop Fest. Chop Fest? What's that? You holding back from it?

What's that? Chop Fest is a big-ass festival they have downtown Newark is for the Portuguese but everybody show up from the town. Portuguese.

We get these big ass vats of fucking sangria for like seven bucks. So everybody gets sangria drunk eat fucking paella. It's grilled chicken

and like it's just a whole bunch of great food. Oh Marie we could do this. What month of the year is this? This is in June. First week in June.

When it's really hot in Newark and people don't know how to act. No June is not hot enough I feel like. It's the beginning of June? It's the beginning of June.

Yeah yeah yeah. It's still spring-ish. Yeah. Okay. So, everyone's out there having a good time. Like, everybody, like, people give Newark a bad rap. Like, I, all right. Because I invite comics all the time to come to Newark.

And they be like, ha-ha, no. I've only had one incident. Yeah, I've had that. Ha-ha, no. Oh, my man, you was being serious. Nah, I'm not. I'm not crossing the bridge. I had two comics come in.

I was like, all right, I'm going to pick you up from Penn Station. Oh, see, Sidney, he picks his people up. Your dude makes you walk. Like, I'm going to pick you up from Penn Station. and like we gonna go and I'm driving down to come pick them up they hop in the car

nervous and shit and I was like what happened some dude just got stabbed in the neck I was like oh that shit happened you were like

that's just that's nothing you were like that's just Tuesday that's fucking nothing for you you don't care I was like

alright that shit happened and then we just went to the show you were like well what was he wearing it was probably his fault I guess I think we should do

like some field work some field investigating work we should have a day in Newark. Can you prove to us that it is? No, no, no. Not a day. I'll do like a couple hours. I'll do an afternoon. When I say day, I mean like an hour. Come down for Chop Fest.

It's amazing because the people come over and they can't believe that. It's amazing. Nigga, you lucky to be outside and be alive. That's what's amazing. We out here. We living, man. It's amazing. You walk outside. You're like, another day I lived. You're just happy to be here. Shut up. Some people get knocked out. Some people get mugged.

You smell like gunpowder. It smells like, I don't even know what gunpowder smells like. It smells like fireworks. You're like, all right. The fact that you know that is telling us everything that we need to know. I had no idea. It smells like fireworks. It smells like lit matches.

What does it smell like? You never, like, let off a firecracker before? No. I like my fingers. Oh, man. Oh. Also, I feel like they're illegal here. I feel like in Newark, y'all just be.

Y'all have your own Macy's fireworks. I go like for my cook I was like go yeah fuck it I'm committed to it I go over the Pennsylvania line

like at the border of Pennsylvania and Jersey there's nothing but firework stores and they're dirt ass cheap so we go over buy our shit hang out in PA

so the cops won't just follow us back and take them out of our trunk and then come back and we let them off and we get like mortars and shit you do

you cross state lines to go pick up some fireworks and that ain't some gay ass shit I don't know what else is that sound real Cory Booker

for me No, no, no Me and Cory Booker riding shotguns on the PA Honestly I don't want no parts Cory Booker I would never be a part of anything that they're saying Sidney, Cory Booker is not checking for your ass

He got a girlfriend already No, just friends, we're friends You don't know Cory Booker, he's not your friend Senator Cory Booker now No longer mayor, he's senator Anyway Go party with us, man, we got fireworks I'm not coming to Pennsylvania to get fireworks

We're not going to Pennsylvania As soon as y'all leave, I'm leaving too Well, drive me off on your way I'm downtown Newark now So it's going to be even better What's the difference between downtown Newark and uptown Newark? Central Newark and like Ivy Well, I'm saying all these streets

Like Avon Ave is where my mom teaches And I grew up in Little Bricks and stuff like that Little Bricks sounds like a project I grew up in Little Bricks That's a smaller project That's exactly what it is You're not all the way poor You're on your way

Into the big house Wait I went before I wanted to ask you about How's like dating Or hooking up Or trying to talk to people At the cook house

How does that work That goes That It gets weird sometimes Why Because it'd be too many cousins It'd be too many dudes And the girls are like

I was gonna come But it was too many guys They line up At the entrance of the park So you can't Girls be like, I got food at home. I had cousins hit on cousins, because that get weird. Because it's two different sides of my family coming to me at one time.

Oh, but they're not related. That's weird, though. I grew up with both of y'all. Now y'all want to try to bang? That's gross. That is gross. We were invited to a cookout over the summer. And I got the address.

We show up. I was like, is this the Projects? Oh, yes, we did. And I was like, damn. But the food was cute. And they had juice boxes. And they had like gift bags for the kids And the mad candy

Did they have a bouncy They had a bouncy house In the front of the projects And we were real cash The cops pulled up and parked across the street We were like did y'all want some water It was like a block party The project had a cookout

I mean I guess it's a block party I mean I couldn't believe we were there But we were there Man don't be the best parties Everybody outside having a good time it was all family it was all fam and us they're like hey cousin i was like hey cousin judging everybody we were like uh you live here issue you live in one of these units the cops came up i was like i know y'all hungry we just we throwing burgers on the ground in front

of them and they had they had two different types of rice i love when people have like options having these rices out there you gotta have right how do you not have right like so what does the plate look like at your house yeah at a cookout what like potato salad okay uh shish kebab uh what's on that what's the what's the it's meat pepper meat onions it sounds like a lot of meat i love onions maybe like some shrimp depending on which ones okay i fuck with shrimp um do you pull the vein out the shrimp's butt oh i get them deveined i have to a lot of people don't do that why people don't do that a lot of people don't even know that there's veins that you got to take out those people should die that's disgusting you've never been to like a cook i haven't seen

somebody no people just a dark line in your shrimp's ass there are people listening to this podcast right now that we love who don't even their shrimp yep throwing up right now they just eat them raw just like all right this is my daughter's house so wait i cannot be honest potato salad cancel it i don't get it i don't fucking get it i'm not here people talk about potato salad like it's the end all be all. It's not all that. Oh, you've never had good potato salad? I've had good potato salad and I steal. I'm skipping the potato salad. And I steal them like, no. I'm not here

for warm mayonnaise. No. Especially if you did the potatoes in the microwave. I'm not here for that potato salad. Mayonnaise, potatoes, celery. What the fuck? Give us your potato salad recipe. I don't have, like, that's my mom. Exactly. I go to my mom for that. I still don't want it. Okay, so potato salad. I'm a grill guy. I like grilling.

But I'm not done with the plate. So potato salad, shish kebab. That sounds cute. Yeah. And then what else? What else do I have out there? There's going to be a burger on there. You got some ribs. You got my brats, the hot dogs, burgers, all that shit. What else do I have out there?

Fruits and shit. Okay, what kind of fruits? What kind of fruits you got on there? Pineapples. Mango. Guava. You got some guava? Why are you yelling about guava?

You got guava. Where's your goddamn guava, Gordon? I didn't know you were. Ain't no guava? Ain't no guava. It's a wrap. My bad. I'm calling a cop.

I didn't know y'all wanted kiwi. Oh, you got kiwi? No, in like a fruit salad. In a fruit salad. But a guava's not something that you want to eat. It goes well in like a smoothie or something. Uh-huh, but it's not something. It actually kind of stinks a little.

Papaya? You got a little papaya? Papaya is also another, is a smoothie fruit, I feel like. When you eat papaya like regular, it's not that good. Everybody, like, I don't like getting a watermelon, but I get it because I'm like, oh. What do you mean you don't like getting the watermelon? Yeah.

That's the one thing I feel self-conscious about when I cook out. How do we eat this? But you got chicken on the grill. I got chicken on the grill. I got everything else. But you don't feel the way about this. I'm like, God damn it.

Watermelon is fucking delicious. I don't even eat it. White people like watermelon. They love it. So why is it a bad thing? I cut up a watermelon for everybody, and everybody come through. All the white people in the town. How do you cut it up, though?

How do you cut it up? I do long slices. Okay. Yeah, so you should be all going back and forth. Do you invite white people to the cookout in Newark? Yes. And do they show up? Some do.

What kind of white person shows up to a Newark cookout? The white dude in the fake Tims. A Mookie. A Mookie shows up. All of them. All my hood white friends, they show up. And then, like, some of my new white friends are just like, all right, he invited me.

I don't want to look racist. So they show up. I don't want to look racist. So they show up. I'm like, all right, it's my first cookout. I didn't know what to bring. Dear white people. They bring, like, a keg.

Dear white people, don't do things to not look racist. Just continue to save yourself. I'm not going to Newark because a black dude invited me there and I don't want to look racist. It's a good time, though. I'm going to stay home and be racist and alive. I agree with that, bro. Everyone comes in.

Everyone goes home. I'm yet, like, beside that one little squabble with the exes, that was about it. But everybody else have a good time. People might talk shit, give some side eye, but nobody do nothing crazy. But that's what a cookout is, is people talking this. You have to get in on the talking shit. You got to understand it's a part of the chemistry of it. Yeah, you have to.

You grab something to eat. You walk over. You talk shit about what you're eating and who made it. You talk shit about the people who were there. Yeah. What the fuck is she wearing? You talk about the shit. Yeah, what is exactly what?

What the hell is she doing here? I didn't even know he got out. Oh, she drunk? oh she drunk already look at her she about to fall to shit she stay drunk while you drunk

like it's great you talk about the person you're with exactly you be like look look look she tucked her dress into her panties

and her ass cheeks is ashy freaking love Joanne yeah oh man I'ma fuck her later I'ma fuck her later my parents had a cookout

and my brother bought a white girl when I tell you my mother curved her while she was bringing the rice out my mother was like my mother was like

this is a Stephanie my mother was like mmm my mother just kept bringing out rice Stephanie was like, nice to meet you My mother was like, mmm And then my dad was like, you know the Bible says

My dad took her to church I was like, she's just here for the vegan options Y'all have vegan options? Hell no They don't even know what a vegan is My mother doesn't know what a vegan is What is that? I think my mom thinks that's a car

My mom thinks a vegan She got a Honda vegan The 2018 vegan. The 2018 vegan. You get a new hat, it's called vegan. My mom thinks that's a school. I feel like we learned a lot about your cookout situation. Your cookout situation.

Because I feel like that's the pivotal one. You go to other people, they try to be fancy, and they try to be upscale, and they have all this stuff. What should you not have at a cookout? What should you not have at a cookout? Name three things you shouldn't have at a cookout. I'm going to start the list. Potato salad.

What? I agree. Disagree I agree Cold slaw Cold slaw I hate cold slaw Cold slaw

Don't bring no cold slaw It's stupid And like a macaroni salad I don't I'm not here for anything I like macaroni salad No I'm not here for anything

Mayonnaise based Really why If the mayonnaise I grew up on that Yeah Y'all love high cholesterol We do I love it

We do Paul love it We really do Fucking love it It's like It's so much mayonnaise On his table And then you got

Mayonnaise on a burger It's like what the fuck We don't need all this shit. You don't show up to someone's cookout with fried chicken from a food chain because I've kicked people out for some shit like that. I can't bring Popeye's?

I can't bring Church's chicken? Why you want some Church's chicken? I also don't understand why you would do that. You would do that? No, I've never done that. People would try that shit. Oh, but I did go to one cookout where we were there late and there was no more food left

and someone brought. They just so happened to bring store-bought fried chicken. If there's no more food left, that means you either didn't plan properly or the food was so good that people took all the to-go plates and dipped. You got there late. But you should never run out of food.

That's like pivotal. That's ridiculous. I'm not trying to feed the whole community. I ain't trying to say you should feed the whole community, but that's embarrassing. Like, what, you ain't got nothing left? Yeah, but how long we been in this park? Yeah.

We've been here several hours. How long can you get the fireworks and you just eat it? I go to Costco. Like, if you're early, you get the brisket burgers. But if you're late, you get the Costco patties I just threw on the grill because you just came through. Damn. My mother gets the ground beef, and then she, like, puts onions in it,

and she makes the patties the night before. That's for the people that show up early and on time for the cookout. Everybody else that come after that, you're getting just bare essentials. Burger, hot dog. The people who get there late, they're at a barbecue, not a cookout. they're at a barbecue what you do is you go to a barbecue and then you go to a cookout well we have a friend that he'll have really cute little barbecues on his uh on his uh roof yeah remember the crab patties crab cakes the crab cakes oh my god they were so

fucking good barbecues be and then you said the rib i didn't even get to listen i was getting ready to leave the house i was like well i guess i'm done and he brought out the crab cakes i was like i got some time i was there for another hour and a half and then the crazy thing is is that it was the meat the type of rib that he had it wasn't like a regular rib that probably be it was like a it was like a dagostino it was like a human baby rib yeah yeah oh he had a big oh it was like quail rib or something i don't know it's crazy ostrich ribs yeah it was it wasn't like the baby back ribs the small short ones it was longer ones it was just the ribs everything was just so good He think he

He think he a little Emeril Lagasse He think he Salt Bae He be like Bam And I'm just like He had a lobster pasta Thing going on

It was cute Lobster pasta Lobster Where's he from He got real lobster I think he's from Brooklyn Right Yeah he is

He lives in the city now Yes And he doing lobster pasta Lobster pasta Alright I gotta stop my game Cause he Well cause he got He got money

No he got model bitches Coming to his place Okay Yeah they just ain't Gonna come through And just get some ribs They would not come to Newark Yeah

What Listen, everybody's coming. I'm bringing everybody down. Where's security? Is there security here? Security? You mean the cops? The cops are here.

Somebody call the cops up. Someone please call 911. That's it. That's freaking it. Okay. I'm going to get y'all out to come out to a cookout in Jersey. Okay. Well, none of your hood cousins are going to be there.

Are they going to be there? Are you going to meet them? They're cool as fuck. Anybody, can you introduce to my friend Marie? I don't know. I don't know You don't have anybody For Marie

I got people But I don't know If she gonna want them I probably don't And this is 2018 I already know That I probably don't No no no Marie

This is your year to Hoe it up Hoe it out And you need a rough net Dude that's like the game She needs a the game type She said He's trying to hook me up

With Jason Jason Jayceon Jayceon You got a Jayceon Or Dashaun I know tons of Dashauns Okay

I went to school With a kid named Dashaun And we called him Dirty Dashaun and he was in special ed and he used to fight the teacher and i feel like he had like black gums and the lines on his teeth you know i'm trying to get marie with a hood i want him to have like a um what do you call it a do-rag i want him to have a do-rag outside with the cape out no i don't want to date a dude who wears a do-rag outside

I want a dude You gotta roll it up and then tuck it I want a dude in a FUBU sweatpants Fucking you Marie Just a thread Sidney you trying to hook me up with a dude that you went to New Jersey for Iceberg jeans I'm done

South Pole shirt And a Joe Boxer boxer I'm not here for none of this This has been great Where can the people catch you Plug all your social media At Baker Bone on Instagram and Twitter Baker Bone

B-A-K-E-R-B-O-N-E Bad Advice Show On SoundCloud and iTunes And I'm all around the city with the Decepticomics Decepticomics that's right And you guys go on tour like regularly Yeah we go on tour regularly We're supposed to be going on tour this year

I don't know what's going to happen Because some of us got writing jobs now So we're trying to figure it out Okay shout him out You'll be like Some of us got writing jobs Nah nah My homie Dill

Dill and Stevenson Mike Brown got another Writing job too Okay where are you working Mike Brown was our Mama's boy expert Yeah It was so good

It was so fun You gotta listen to the episode It's great You can't Wait he never talked to y'all About living in Newark No He didn't even mention Newark

At all He knew better He knew about Harlem and the Bronx I'm about to expose All these Newark dudes He knew better He was like Yeah Mike used to live in Newark

But isn't he from New York He's from New York But he used to live in Newark For a little bit But then he slipped a little bit The devil caught him in Newark He lost it all He started doing crack

And he was in Newark He started doing crack And then his mom got him back Into New York So That's why he was Our mama's boy expert As always

You can find Bonus episodes The messy ones On Patreon If you follow the link You can listen to more of this Subscribe to that Comment

Rate Everything that you're hearing today uh make sure that you uh message us if you feel like you know maybe you're an expert at something too yeah message us you know comment if you have any uh if you have any replies to gordon and his uh what is it potato salad potato salad it's a must hit us up i guarantee you everyone listening like yeah he's right you gotta have potato salad you guys are wrong and invite us to your cookout you don't be having rice at your at your cookout so you're wrong that's like my west indian side of the family that's the west indian if you've never been to a west indian barbecue then you

are living wrong. If you don't know any West Indian people, then you... What are you doing with your life? Exactly. Get your life together. You gotta have some in your life. You gotta cook inside and bring it outside. If you don't know any West Indians, they're definitely doing customer service. If you don't know any West Indians, then your life is very quiet.

Gordon. Jordan. Gordon. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you guys. Bye. Thank you.