MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Cool Mom Expert" with Sandi Marx

Episode Date: October 5, 2018

Pour yourself a Negroni and get comfortable because the Cool Mom Expert, Sandi Marx, is here!She joins Sydnee & Marie to discuss what they like in men, messy joint bank accounts, SnapBack uteruses, how to be the coolest mom at your kids' school, and so much more!Plus, Marie reveals how to scam your way into a free mattress topper!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Forever Dog. Ah. Ooh, look at us. Ah, we're here. We have not been kicked out of the studio yet. Look at us. We have not. We haven't gotten any hate mail yet.

I mean, we, I'm, no. I don't know why we would get that. No, no, no death threats. People know better. But have you checked your spam folder? We don't have a spam folder. Also, we didn't intro you yet. Yes.

Yes, yes. Shh, shh, shh, shh. she's just excited to be here she's enthusiastic yeah i love it i love it that's why i love it i'm here for it hello marie how are you doing uh i'm doing really well sydney how are you doing haven't seen you in a while uh when was the last time i saw you last week the podcast has oh good to see you look great yeah uh listeners i don't know me and marie we used to see each other like every day every day all day literally every day remember how much my ex-boyfriend hated you okay first of all that was like four years ago bitch but that's when we would see

each other every day no i saw you a lot last year did you yes and even even this year it's just as of late we haven't been seeing each other because you've been getting some dick i didn't get any between actually that exactly you know when uh when my friend is getting uh her back i'm not having sex every day you've been traveling that's what you should that's what you should have we haven't seen each other because you've been booked busy and blessed no Marie's been

going to brunch falling down stairs I did fall down stairs getting her back blown out I fell down the stairs butt naked on my birthday no way

I was like because my phone was ringing you know people love me and I was like and I was like and I bounced and rolled and then I

falling in public in front of people is the most embarrassing thing to me so I popped up real fast in private and he was like oh my god

I thought you fell down the stairs and I was like I did but I'm smooth yes I knocked a bunch of plants down I would have paid

money to see that me falling down the stairs butt naked yes I'm actually good money $25 to be back that's not enough money

we ought to spend on the run ticket money to see me bust my ass literally bust my bare ass Marie

you're a fool thank you so much Sidney bought me an edible today and it's tiny it looks like the head of a gummy bear so I know that

if I take this I'm gonna die what is this is this meth it's called on the edge dude that means I'm gonna be on the edge of a bridge later

I'm gonna save this I'm gonna save I'm gonna take it as soon as the episode is done and then just be high for several hours today oh my god

it's supposed to be like 10 milligrams or something that's not a lot yeah I gotta have three of these okay let me sit this down put it over there

Sydney what were you an expert in this week man just so much I guess traveling I've been traveling I went to passport

traveling yeah nah very local i've been using my passport though because you don't have id yeah and and the person on amtrak was like you could just get a regular id and i was like actually no i like my passport that's your you you are living on the edge if you lose your passport it's like 110 to replace it oh really oh you didn't know this no i didn't even think about that yeah i know you replace it replace it who's replacing when i lose my passport that's it when does it expire um 2023 damn cindy you old shut up damn you old 2023 that's the year that has never even crossed my mind i started writing 2013 on things recently because i i for some reason my fingers can't do the eight i'm like is it 13 no this bitch just be lying she's really 57 years old

she's gonna lie and i look amazing yeah i actually just turned 58 thank you so much i'm proud of you thank you you're great uh yeah so i've been traveling and it's good getting out of new york city because new york city ain't shit you know people are rude uh they don't get up for pregnant women on the train who has time you know nobody smiles nobody says hello i got stuff in my teeth nobody has manners so when you get out you see people who are just fucking happy to be around that's not true people in new york have manners i've seen people say thank you when somebody doesn't hold the door for them it's like no that's that's not how i want to be treated excuse me i want like gazebo energy i want people who have fucking addicts and backyards and pantries okay

that's a closet just for snacks people with addicts are serial killers yes they are but they say good morning and good afternoon i feel like ted bundy said it to everybody that he killed and listen before you kill me if you tell me a good morning that what a what a gentleman how about you let me live and don't talk to me okay okay how about that anyway so i went to atlanta this weekend for a festival it was cool you know did you go to waffle house i did not go to waffle house but i went to this place called homegrown and they had these comfy chicken biscuits fucking bomb comfy comfy like comfortable chicken yes like like you just fucked and y'all you got this You still got the cum on your chest type.

Oh, no. No, Sydney. That's what got it. My mom is here. That's what got it. You got the cum. It's just, and you just lay there, you know. You're like, I'll get it.

I'll get it off tomorrow. Sydney is wet spot. You wake up just crunchy, like a frosted flake. And you're like, ooh, this is an exfoliant now. No. This is a pumice stone. No. Jizz on your chest is not a pumice stone.

That's disgusting. So you're the expert on things that are gross? Shut up, bitch. Anyway, so I had a run-in with somebody on my show. I was last, a.k.a. the headliner. A.k.a. you got there late. Actually, I was first. Anyway, this guy, I'm like on stage, living my best life, doing my jokes, having a good time.

And he interrupts me because I was talking about these strippers that were at this lounge I had went to the night before. And he's like, I don't like those. I don't like those titties. there and i was like what i was like sir you're wearing flip-flops nobody cares what you want or you can't have a preference your whole toes is out like nobody cares and so he starts mumbling he's like well i want to see your titties and i was like oh oh oh oh this was a grown-ass man this is a grown-ass man in a football jersey i was like are you retired are you just upset you you didn't get your you didn't get your money this month

talk about it raymond you what's up tell him why are you mad because he was just like he would not stop like interrupting me and then eventually you know i'm going back and forth you know i'm roasting him it's great but he's getting mad so he's like just be funny i was like that's what i've been doing dude and get the fuck just be funny it's like y'all dudes don't know what y'all want do you want to see some titties or you want to see some comedy you're not gonna get both no I mean not for free if Sidney has the right

outfit on you're gonna see both Sidney will throw a sheer blouse on a turtleneck with a cutout on the cleavage anyway they threw him out

later and I was just like later but you were the last to comment yeah I was like why am I doing comedy but you know I made it through

it was good I'm proud of you yeah and they were gonna fight him after who's gonna fight him the ghosts the ghosts

the ghosts of Harriet Tubman anyway Marie what were you an expert in this week oh my goodness Yes, everything that I'm saying is going to be alleged. Y'all not going to be able to press no charges. Just pretend that, no, don't pretend, just allegedly.

So I got a bed in a box a few weeks ago, but that's a fact. Yes, yes, yes, that is a fact. Allegedly. And, you know, it's like a Casper, but, you know, like, not that. Casper was like $1,500 for a queen-size mattress. And so I ordered this mattress on Amazon. I went to the website, the mattress company's website, and then I went on Amazon

because they also delivered it it was going to be available faster but in the review somebody was like look the bed didn't work for me I called this number

Amazon gave me a refund and I didn't have to send the bed back and I was like wait they put that in their reviews that's what somebody said or was that a friend

no no no no that was one of the reviews a friend of mine did get a mattress allegedly allegedly allegedly a friend that I know

got a mattress he said it wasn't working for him he called them they were like what if we give you 50% refund and he was like no just come get the bed and they were like what if we give

you all your money back and you just keep the bed and he was like okay and so he kept the bed and he got his money back so I said I'm gonna do the same thing so I went allegedly and so I went on but I ordered a different bed but when I was reading

the reviews for it somebody was like it wasn't working for us that Amazon will not come pick up a bed that you slept in it cost them less money to just give you a refund and let you keep the bed right and i was like okay well i could do that allegedly so i called them on monday and and the bed has been bothering my back i put my old mattress protector on it because i have a bad back and my body's been bothering me your body's been back since you've been anyway so i've been falling down the stairs after that dick well i fell on my

butt not my back anyway so i called them amazon was like all right well we'll give you a free a full refund and you have to dispose of the mattress yourself and i was like who who's gonna pick up the bed allegedly and they were like you got it you can go donate it to a church or a goodwill and i was like but when do i get my money and they were like where you'll have it now right so i was like great thanks amazon then i went on the website of the company because i'm like well if i'm keeping this mattress i should get you know a mattress protected at works and i called them And I was like, hey, yeah, the bed is hurting my back. And they're like, if you send us a screenshot of your order receipt, we can send you a free

mattress topper for your bed. And I was like, all right. Oh, my God. Let me do that right now. The scam continues. Allegedly. So I'm getting the mattress topper on Monday. I was like, you know what I should do with this money that I got back?

I should get like some new, like really nice, like linens, like some cute sheets. Right. And I went, they were like $250. For some linens? For some linens. I'm like you know what I'ma just go to TJ Maxx

Yeah Or Macy's Macy's They got good sales actually Bed Bath & Beyond Also has really good sheets Yes And coupons

Check the coupons Allegedly Anyway So that's what I was An expert in this week Is just getting like A good night's sleep On a free ass bed

Allegedly The scam man So if anybody wants The number to call Slide in my DMs I'ma tell you Who to call But sis

You can't tell everybody Because then Everybody's gonna be doing it And they're like I wonder what they're not gonna tie that back to me allegedly anyway i've been sleeping like a baby okay but marie when you got it you were like i know how this is gonna end well my friend who said that he got a full refund and got to keep the mattress

everyone that he told that story to it didn't work for them really it didn't they they couldn't they either came to pick up the mattress or they just wouldn't give them their money back interesting i know i was like why would you doubt me like you're so fucking blessed bitch thank you so much here i am people telling me just sleeping on a spring mattress yeah sleeping on a spring spring mattress people telling me that they want to see my tits and i'm like damn if i just had a free mattress i mean honestly it'll change your life better i'm having a great week phenomenal speaking of phenomenal our guest today phenomenal woman is she phenomenally phenomenally is she uh this guest our guest today is one of our favorite performers here in new york

and we say that every time we have a guest but we only book people that we like true I mean I mean with a fact

with hard facts a capital dot real news she is a funny storyteller that performs literally everywhere you guys are gonna love her she's our cool mom expert

and this is these are I mean that's why Sydney was talking so crassly before she don't respect my mom she cool though yeah yeah yeah yeah

it's the very funny the very lovely it's Sandy Marks you just wanted to shock me and see if I would really react no Sandy I've heard to your crusty chest Sandy

I know listen I know you I know how you get down you're kind of the cool mom that you could also call you by your first name Sandy Trash Mom

not Trash Mom you have two Cartier bracelets on yes okay the forever bracelet yes you're a great mom

when I go through the airport it takes a long time because you have to like They basically do a body cavity search. No, they put me through the x-ray, that machine. The one that gives you cancer. Yeah, they're doing it. And it's like the wand everywhere.

And I always make the same stupid joke. I always say, you have to buy me a cocktail first or some bullshit. And they always look at me like, you're the 200th person who said that to me today. The TSA. The TSA people are like, all right. They don't give a shit. Do they check your hair? Well, they couldn't get.

There's like a meatloaf in here. I have so much hair. No, you don't. The Lindbergh babies is good. It's bad. A lot of hair. Sandy, let's talk about who you are and where you're from. Like, first of all, I met you a couple years ago.

You were on, we were doing a show together. That's correct. We were doing a show together and I saw you and I thought, I'm madly in love. I want to take you home and tuck you in somewhere and then give you like porridge in the morning. Porridge? That sounds poor. Like mother, this is not a porridge. That's what poor people think.

Granola. A bowl of granola. Sandy is so. Mac and cheese. mac and cheese in the morning how do you make it how do you make

your mac and cheese I make it I buy everything is gluten free in my house oh no

no Sandy you're not a cool mom no it works you're a mean mom yeah no when I was raising my kids

I gave them a Kraft 26 cent box of Kraft mac and cheese 26 cents that's what it used to cost 26 cents when my kids were little

I'm old my kids are old so now I feel like your kids are the same age as us well my twins are going to be 30 this year. They're a little older than us.

For me. And my son's 25. I met your son. Yes, he's cute. Sandy had a show in Brooklyn and your husband and your son were both there. And your husband is like

super supportive of you. He was so supportive. I was there at that show too. The stuff that Sandy, as Sandy talks about, I was like, your son is here. Yeah.

You talk about this with your son? He grew. He's 25 years old. He's 25. I did a show last week and my daughter was in the audience. This was in L.A.

And it was all about how I left her father. Nice. It was real classy. Origin story. Super classy. And I kept referring to her in the audience saying, Lindsay, I'm sorry, but it's true. And everybody started laughing

because I was being so horrifying. But Lindsay's used to it. I'm her mother. She knows. She's proud of that. Yeah, she likes it. Well, is the story embarrassing? How you left her dad's story?

It doesn't make him look great. And you're not supposed to do that in front of your kids. no he's a man but she's a grown ass woman he knows that they're terrible okay yeah it's alright you know it's like

she's a grown up woman now she can hear about her dad a woman in her 30s knows if she has crappy parents that's true yeah and knows if she has

good parents yeah she doesn't need you to tell no tell her how bad he is or whatever but he was I mean her dad is amazing

as a dad he was just a shitty husband so I kept saying get you a man who can do both that's right be a bad husband and a good dad

yeah right that's that's my dad so how long were you guys together I think I know the story so my first husband

I was with for like 14 years and my second husband I'm now with for almost 20 years so I've been basically you got that

two lifetimes that long term coochie yo long term put tenure in it commitment cooch yeah I've been you know doing

hospital corners with another dude in the house for like 35 40 years hospital corners what is that You've been cheating for 30 years?

Are you like tucking after everybody leaves in the morning? For 40 years, I've been making a bed for somebody. Is what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Just think about it. 40 years. Okay, so you're married and you every morning make the bed? I make the bed because my husband leaves for work.

You can't just throw the duvet over the bed? No, it's old school. Well, I'm home. What am I doing? I'm watching. Sandy, you got to do what the kids are doing. Just leave the bed the way it is. I'm going to get into this 12 hours from now.

I don't have to make the bed I don't put no duvet or nothing over I make the bed I watch The Price is Right and I make the bed oh wow love The Price is Right

but not Drew Carey The Price is Right I like Bob Barker The Price is Right yes creepy old man yeah Cheryl

look like he's touching everybody touching people's elbows and like the smell of their back that's The Price is Right that I like well wasn't there a rumor

that he was stooping one of the models probably what did you just say he was stooping stooping is that a cool mom term yeah

he was yeah Getting down with one of the models. Stopping. Well, him and Hugh Hefner were really good friends. So a lot of those girls were like playmates. The Price is Right girls? Yeah. They were playmates.

Oh, so he got those. He got us. Yeah. Sandy, what size bed do you sleep on? A queen for a queen. Sandy, I went to your house and- What? I went.

She had a comedy show there. You were out of town. Did you steal anything? It took everything for me not to take something. I was like, she just had everything out. And I was like, wait, you have all these people in your place, and you're not locking shit up? Girl, you didn't take like an Orkut. I went into her bathroom.

She has every wonderful beauty product ever. And I still look like this. No. Sandy, you look incredible for your age, and you're killing it. Stop it. Oh, you're sweet. Yeah, you always have like a designer. Like, I saw her at a show.

She had a Chanel boot on. I said, Sandy, I know that those boots were like $3,500. of those. And honestly, I wanted to take everything in your place, but I didn't. And you could've, you could've. No, no, no. See, cool mom. Cause you probably have insurance on shit. That's what it is. That's why she says, come in and taste it. Yeah, we have cameras everywhere.

Word? I didn't even know. Just teasing. I was rubbing my butt on everything. Oh, good, good. That's nasty. Like a dog. Like a dog that needed to wipe his butt. It was marking my spot, you know, my territory. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, but Cindy, you live in, like, Westchester. Like, I made it.

The Ritz-Carlton, bitch. yeah yeah I'm like Eloise old Eloise living at the hotel but it's a condo it's not a hotel but it's nice

I have to admit I like it I do I really like it I'm proud that I get to live there you got art like real art yeah I have real art

like fun art yes you have fun art at your place that's how I know that you are cool she's lived yeah

no I've lived I've got the track marks so let's talk about it let's talk about how you got to be so cool like were you a cool kid in school no I was such a loser

I mean everybody total loser oh I was a loser I had like I was really ugly and I had a lazy eye no yeah I did

you had a lazy eye I had one eye that roved Sandy I'm kind of low key I have a wandering eye as well you wandered I had to work with these prisms

for like six months and they retrained my eye it looked like Superman shit like up there so so it's not a surgery you have to like train your eyes to like

no I retrained Dr. Lochterman made me retrain my eye and I also had a horrible like buck teeth face mouth because I sucked my thumb so I was a hot mess

I really was not until I got to high school and then I only became more like acceptable because I was in all the school plays oh you were a theater kid

I was the class clown oh so you had talent you were talented well I wasn't necessarily talented I was just loud I mean that's I mean I've been told that's my ministry also

if you just shout shit people think you're funny if you're louder than everybody loud so then things kind of worked out after that and then I fixed everything

your teeth so like I don't remember what color my hair was word bitch you don't even know what color your eyes are my teeth you know braces

that I got fixed fixed my nose I believe in that Sandy you fixed your nose oh yeah oh yeah I had yeah it wasn't good what did your nose

used to look like it's cute now well yeah cause it it was Dr. Klein or whatever his name was fixed it but no it was a mess I was a mess

you had like a little like a little toucan sale I had a little bit of a bump I wasn't too canny but it wasn't it wasn't pretty nothing was pretty but I believe in that though Sandy

I believe in you gotta have your you gotta be ugly as a kid so you don't like the predators don't want you and then you get beautiful when you get older

I also have a theory that children that are really exceptionally good looking when they're really little turn out to be cows when they grow up yeah

it's so true everybody in high school that was banging oh my god trash they look like pillowcases and they all have like

four kids and it's like sis we just graduated what I like to say is they look road hard put away wet that's my expression

wait road hard rode hard put away wet so that they dried it's like a horse you ride them hard and then you put them

away wet see Sandy's talking about horses we've never had a guest talk about horses everybody that's done the podcast has been poor oh my god

well I don't have a horse actually I'm afraid of horses because I'm sure I've told you this my sweet husband he lost his first wife in a horseback riding accident she fell off

if that ain't the richest way to die that's Julia Roberts murder right there yeah she fell off a horse and she died Was she an equestrian? Yes.

She was a jumper. She was a professional horse rider and she died at work. And then I tell the story where we go to Mohonk Mountain Resort and they had like horses there and he's telling me to get up on a fucking horse.

Oh, he's trying to kill you. He's trying to get that life policy. Did you see the staircase? Really? He killed his first wife. Unbelievable. Anyway, but he would never. No.

It was an accident. You said he would never. But he has. In 1988. Actually, I think that was the year. I was there. It's a good year. It's a good year.

So you were not a cool kid. I wasn't a cool kid. But you were in theater. Yes. So then I became, and when I found out that I could use comedy as a way to save myself was when I was in high school, there were these really awful, mean, bitchy girls.

They were in the bathroom smoking and I was in the stall and they were like bruising to like cut somebody, okay? Like cut somebody for you? Cut somebody. and I came out of the stall and I could see there was somebody who was going to hurt me

because I had already once been beaten up in school and so one of them like pulled on my sweater like to wallop me and then the other one said, oh no, she was that funny bird

in Sing, the school show, leave her alone. And I thought, okay, I'm not going to get killed. That's your street cred? That was my street cred.

Sing? She's funny. She's funny? Well, you know, that's the same. I was a Gleek. I used to like run around singing The Hills Are Alive,

you know, that's kind of similar to Tiffany Hatterson's story she was in like foster care and these kids were going to beat her up and she just kept

telling them jokes and that's why she is who she is now if you can and I find that if you use comedy now in the most mundane situations like

if you're arguing with American Express I'm sorry okay MasterCard if it makes you feel like I'm less elite if you're arguing with JetBlue

anybody no I just want to tell you you're funny if you do American Express they always give the customer so nice they're always

the customer's always right with Americans like I get some money they are but if you make the person on the phone the customer service person laugh

you'd be shocked at all the things they'll do more the extra stuff I'm not laughing when I'm a representative I'm leaning on the zero I'm a supervisor

let me speak to your supervisor but as soon as you can disarm them and make them laugh they'll give you whatever you want it's true they'll be like

I don't usually do this and you'll be like wow my first my mood is angry when I'm on the phone with them except for when I got

this free mattress allegedly so Sandy you didn't get beat up because you're funny and then what happened did you go to school

to be an actor yeah I went to I was at first I went to University of South Florida Party City Party City which I did not like

because when I was there this was a long time ago I was there like a month and one of the dudes in one of my classes I swear he asked if he could see my horns because he said

are you a Jew oh my gosh and I said yeah he goes can I see your horns he wasn't kidding he thought I had horns so I transferred out and I went to NYJU

it was a much better school NYJU it was much more appropriate and I was in their drama department but I had to drop out because I couldn't afford to stay

I had no money how much was the tuition back in it was so cheap it was $125 of credit that's all it was but how many credits did you need

you need like 12 you need like 12 every semester that's a lot yeah I couldn't afford it I had no money I wouldn't have been there at all I feel like

there's not a lot of money nothing also I might add that back in the early 80s anyone And if you could breathe, you could get into NYU. Because I wasn't very smart. But, you know, they just, if they wanted your money, they would take you.

So, after you dropped out, what happened? So, then I started, you know, trying to act. And I was also a dancer. Oh, so you started stripping. Stripping. Stripping. I had worked the pole. No, I didn't work the pole.

Oh, I was like, really? I know. I was too little. A little body? But I did, I was a professional cheerleader for the New York Cosmos soccer team. Wow, a soccer team. I didn't know they had cheerleaders. And they paid $15 a game.

Can you imagine? how many games did you do? It was two a week and then public appearance, personal appearances. Yeah, but that's still, it's not money. That's $30 a week.

It's nothing. $30. You thought $125 was not a lot but then you think $30 is a lot? And you have to get to MetLife Stadium which was Giant Stadium at the time

and it was really stupid. Yeah, that's dumb. But then, so after I did that for a while, I realized, ugh, this isn't very good. Where were you living? Like, were you like

staying at your parents' house? Well, I still lived at home and then eventually, well also, rent was really cheap back in the early 80s So I lived on the Upper East Side for like $300 a month.

Wow. In like a walk-up. Good old days. Imagine, that's what, I would be so well off. You could do it. You could do it. $300.

I wouldn't even speak to anybody. I wouldn't be on this podcast. Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm going back to my Upper West. I would have a monocle. It's really, Cindy would be the monopoly.

That's right. I would have been the banker. But then I met, I was taking a dance class with an actor, Peter Weller, who was the original RoboCop, if you've ever seen that movie.

No way. He was the one in the robot costume? Yes. And he told me. In the Tin Man one? He was the original one in aluminum foil. And he told me to meet his agent. And I thought he was telling me that because I was like packing the heat or something, right?

Like I was going to be a star. Yeah. But he told me that because he said, you have a good personality. You should be an agent. So I went there. And before I knew it, I was an assistant at a talent agency. And I stayed. Making stars.

Yes. I thought he was trying to hook you up with somebody. I thought he was going to hook me up to because he thought I was adorable. But no, he just said I had it. So you got to go personality. You should be not behind the camera. You should be like in an office. Like in the back room.

In the back room. In a cubicle. But it's like the kiss of death. Like if you're described by a guy to another guy. Oh, she's a good personality. It means she's a dog. But well, that's like when women are described as a dog. They're dating and they're like, he's nice.

He's nice. You know, he's ugly. Yeah. But he might have some money. Yeah. He's nice. He's got health insurance and dental. he's a really nice guy

he's a good guy he likes his mom he looks like a troll yeah he looks like Shrek so I wound up doing that and then eventually I went with partners

and we opened up our own agency and I did that yeah then I was a boss what was it called it was called Schiffman, Ekman, Morrison & Marks S-E-M-M

it was pretty big Jewish, Jewish, Jewish and Jewish no actually only two out of four Jewish, Jewish, Russian Jewish, Jewish, Jewish but it was good

it was really good and it was fun and I got to represent lots of really cool people oh who did you rep Let's talk about James Earl Jones. Mufasa. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. The legendary James Earl Jones. Yeah. Welcome to the Atlantic. And we had Dane Cook. I like him. He's actually a good guy. James Earl Jones and then go to Dane Cook.

And then we had. Oh, my gosh. I had so many interesting people like Jane Curtin from Third Rock from the Sun and Kate Nally. Didn't you say you also repped Wesley Snipes? Wesley Snipes. Like a young Wesley. When he didn't owe the government millions of dollars.

Well, before he started making money. When I met Wesley, he was working for the New York Telephone Company as like a repairman. And he was making extra money by massaging the agents in our office. Wow. Sandy, now you're going to spill it. Wesley Knights was doing couch calls? Sandy, we're not trying to get sued here at Forever Dog. Allegedly.

No, she knows. No, it was legit. He had one of those chairs you see at the airport. I did not let you put dirt on my Wesley Snipes name. How dare you, Sandy. You take it back. Wesley Snipes was given the back rubs. Wow, he really wanted to be an actor.

I mean, it worked. It worked. No, no, it was just the back rub, like airport style. Sandy! The back rubs. I can't believe you just said it. So you said the Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes and rubbing balls.

Rubbing balls. I mean, it worked. He got some casting. Yeah. He's good. thank you for that no he was good did he give you a massage

no I wouldn't let him because I was so nervous no no no thank you no thank you strong black male because I was too nervous he was too attractive you're lying you definitely got your scalp I was too nervous you got your edges moisturized shut up

he oiled your scalp he hit your temples he was too cute he was fine He definitely was good looking. A young Wesleyan. And he had like muscles. But not as big as they became.

He used to have like normal muscles. He had like a lean basketball 1980s muscle. When you got a trainer and shit, then that's when you get real muscles. But I also represented a comedian named Joe Piscopo, who was like an old SNL-er. And he used to be really cute. Who he was massaging. But he got too muscly. He got like so muscly.

It was terrible. You don't say you don't like muscles at all, Sandy. Not big ones like that. He was blown up in the morning with helium. Oh, my God. So, Sandy, what do you like in a man? Because, you know, you've had two husbands. Well, I like them slim.

Slim, smart, cute. Not too good looking because then the waiters only pay attention to them. I don't like that. I've dated those guys where the waitress looks at you like, oh, you want something, too? I don't like that. Well, where are y'all going? Where the waitresses could see like that? Fancy places.

Yeah, it's fair. Places with, like, cloth napkins. Yeah, you got to go to the places where they look down and they're like, I can't even look you in the eye. Yeah, I can't look at you in the eye because I have to work here. Like a TGI Friday. What are you talking about? I have to wear all those buttons on my vest. Yeah, Sandy's not going to TGI Friday.

Go to the one that has name tags. A sizzling platter. I'm not at the Olive Garden. No. No, no. She's getting like real Italian food. It's like Italian women back there cooking. I just like a nice sweet face.

And I like a guy who's willing to listen so I can carry on the way I do. I married someone who's willing to listen to all my bullshit. That's good. I feel like most men, they'll pretend to listen. They'll sit there while you're talking and they're like, well, let me see. What am I going to do for fantasy football this week? Yeah, and then you ask them to run back.

They won't be able to. They'll be like, what? I'm listening. You hate that girl at your job. I love your hair. What you mean? Yes, that's true. They're like not listening.

That's true. So, okay. So in all this, after Wesley Snipes gave you a massage, in all this, you ended up having some kids. Yes, three of them. you twins Tress kids twins

I had Trey kids yes I had a set of twins with my first I actually had all my kids with my first husband why am I confused work work

C-Session C-Session C each time I have like Velcro strip in there now work snap back uterus snap back

snap back that zuzu that fanny pack well I had my twins 10 weeks early oh wow that's a lot of weeks they look like

little gerbils when they were born they were so tiny oh wow yeah they were in the hospital for seven weeks shit yeah

but they're fine now I mean they were ten weeks early so seven weeks is like they had a cook they stuck them in the cooker

they put them under that light they were in the slow yeah in the crock pot do twins run in your family nope identical twins I think are just

a freak of fate oh you didn't take any drugs or anything no I figured I was just so aggressive about wanting a baby God said

okay we'll show you he was like well let's take two yeah we're gonna give you two so yeah we had two girls and then four years later

I had my son and then When he was four, I decided I wanted to get out of my difficult marriage. So that was tough. When he was four? My son was four. I had three kids under the age of eight when I decided to get a divorce. Good Lord.

Yeah, that took balls. That definitely did. No, that took uterus. Especially since my husband had told me that nobody would ever date a woman with three kids in the suburbs. I mean, that's kind of like, I feel like that's true. It's not. It's not. It was reigning men.

I swear. She said, yo. No, it was. She was at the supermarket. They were like, let me help you carry those bags to your car. It was, no, it was not a problem. Well, if you work in this, I worked in the city. I had a business, so I was working.

And I met a lot of interesting people. And I put it out there after I got divorced. Like, introduced me to a guy who's, like, worthy of running a small democratic country. That's so specific, Sandy. Like, some guy who could, like, Justin Trudeau. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that, you know.

Like a Canadian. A Canadian, yeah. So and I started meeting all these cool dudes. And my theory is, is that you got to do it at the right age, like between. Well, it's between their first wife that they have kids with and their trophy wife when they're like when they're 55. So when you're like 42 or 41, the guys are still like have their soul about having like a real relationship with a real woman, not OK, not a 30 or a 28 year old when they're

55 like that. So what date do you tell a man that you got three kids? right away because I don't want them to leave the check with me on that first date. Leave the check with me on the first date.

But also remember because I'm older we didn't have the websites that you guys have now. We weren't swiping or anything. There's no swiping. You would go out

with one person a month. Yeah, like someone would you had to put it out to your friends. Yeah, and like men didn't know that they had as much like options as they did.

So they stuck around a little bit more. Yeah, and men like to have a relationship more than women. Like if men leave women it's usually for another woman women leave men

because they're miserable it's different okay go ahead that's a bumper sticker right there it's true hey Sandy hit them with the

cool mom facts send them some merch it's true that's a gem right there men need someone to be there when they get home from work to complain about their jobs

or make them their meals or whatever I don't know I mean I don't want to grossly generalize but that's all we do is generalize that's our brand

that's my experience that's my experience so you know but women we're more independent and we're willing to really we are independently waiting for you to pay for this chick

that's hilarious because every time I see a chick she with four other bitches I'm like what can't I just hang out with you why you got your whole crew with you lucky for you I don't have any friends I was lucky because I was able to go out and get my own house you know I didn't have to depend on a man you got your uh from the

where was your house Sandy it was in Scarsdale Scarsdale sounds like bread like that's wow well that's where that diet doctor

got murdered Dr. Tarnower do you remember that the diet doctor murder in Scarsdale no super fancy murder well talk about this

we got time to talk about murder on this podcast there was this woman named Jean Harris who was like a like the head mistress at some girls school okay

fancy Jean doesn't sound like a mistress name though oh she was like a a fancy sound like a secretary like grand dame Jean

get Brian Jean Jean and Jean had an affair with this diet doctor how dare she a diet doctor

and he was in Scarsdale and she in a fit of rage in a peak went and shot him and killed him and in a rage

she was in a fit what was she upset about he was cheating on her but was he married was she married I don't know those details but I do know

that this finishing school chick had to go to that prison where Martha Stewart went the fancy prison so not a real jail yeah like potholder making jail

yeah so she's the jail that had like the little sandwiches with the crust cut off. I think, and the watercress, little watercress mayonnaise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Orange is the New Black Jail. So that's where we lived. So yeah, the fancy crime location. That's nice. Yeah. So anyway,

but I was able to be on my own and we had joint custody of our kids. So the kids, unfortunately for them, they had to go back and forth every Friday from one house to the other.

Did you have a nanny? Yes, I had some. Of course she had a nanny. She said he was a woman at work. Yeah. Okay, I just wanted to let the listeners know. Yep.

They know. They can tell. yeah anyway but it worked out because I was so sure this was going to fuck up my kids for life

because who wants to live in two houses actually that sounds like wealth right there two homes that's two Christmases yeah that's true

and a Christmas and if you're tired of one person you just go out to the other house I'm going back to dance that's true that's possible

you could threaten with that slam the screen door but it seemed to work out somehow and the kids were cool I mean it was hard at the beginning

because we were also I was the first heathenist woman in our neighborhood to leave a husband heathenist yeah these women were not having it

well I had like a scarlet D on me because the women I think were threatened by the fact that you left I was like I maybe think they thought

maybe I was going to try to steal their husbands don't say that you tell us the truth you were watering your lawn in some booty shorts and you were coming out to check the mail

with like your shirt tied under your boobs and you were like hi Carol hey Jean And they were like, look at this hussy. And the guys were afraid to talk to me because they thought that I might be infectious. Like, if I get involved in their lives, their wives are going to leave them.

Leave them, too. So it was a funny time. But it all worked out. It's fine. So they didn't invite you to none of the, like, neighborhood watch? Wasn't a lot of potlucking going on. Not a lot of potlucking? Yeah.

They didn't invite you to charades? Well, I did have a few good friends. But actually, my very good friends. They was host, too? They threw me a divorce party. They were all hosts. Yeah. all my friends

who are probably all of them are now divorced and remarried they knew they knew the future what's a divorce party like snacks and cocaine

well it's more like no it's more like housewarming where they brought me like pots and pans and shit they're like you don't need

this extra pot now that you ain't got no man you're gonna need this plant bitch cause you know you lonely so how were you

dating when you had three kids well because every other week I was on Sunday She had a sex schedule Every other weekend she was having sex

Because the kids weren't there Well the staff in my office always knew my week off Because I'd show up to work wearing like I don't know like tighter clothes My hair got bigger I was wearing those FMPs You know FMPs

Totally remember those So you're going to work Dressed up for a date So you were in your date clothes to work? That's bold. Well, I would have different shoes, perhaps, in my drawer. You walk in with sneakers. You walk in with the New Balances, and then you leave.

Yes, my yuppie New Balances. But I always had the FMPs in my drawer. So then I would just bring my makeup to work. Because I would go on a date right after work. I would get picked up at my office, or I'd meet him in some. You heard that, Sydney? Picked up at her office. This is before Uber.

Well, that's why you're so cool, because you lived your life. you as a mom I feel like moms become a little uncool when they just it's all about the kids and you don't do anything for yourself. Well one of the first reasons I knew that I needed to leave my first marriage was because we had nothing in common we didn't

get along and I knew my kids one day would eventually grow up and then when they did I was going to be stuck living with someone that I really didn't know we didn't have a great relationship so I thought I better get out now while I'm still mildly attractive. You were together for 14 years that's a long time to not have nothing in

common with somebody well we had our kids in common that was yeah but the kids were four and five four and five and eight eight twins were eight that's something no i've never all right listen this is my biggest piece of expert advice okay let me let me never ever have a joint account i wasn't gonna do that anyway never i always had my own can i have your card my bank account was always my own always i still were making money well because i just thought I don't want someone looking over my shoulder asking me why I bought that moisturizer. It's mine. I don't, you know what I mean?

And I'm not in a situation like that anymore because my husband would give me the world. But it's my, it's like, I don't do that. I just, you do your thing. I do my thing. So wait, well, when you want to use his money, you just have his card? Yes. But does he have your card? Why?

Why would he need my card? Why? This is my card. I mean, we do everything like we bought a home together. We do everything together. And obviously he could have anything. he wants of mine, but I like to have my own accounts. I want to hold myself

accountable for my shit. That's all. It's like a psychological thing. Can I clap for that one? Hold yourself accountable. Have own accounts. Always. Cool mom right here. Cool mom. Okay, so then your kids are older. You're married. Now, talk about

how you were raising your kids. Were you spanking them? Were you slapping them in the face? Were you twisting their ears in public? That was my mom's move. I never, never, ever this sounds really unrealistic but I never had a time out or punish or yell or anything

so your kids are spoiled no no no they're not really they're very they were sort of genetically predisposed to being like you had a nanny too though

that nanny was hitting them kids well actually was she West Indian yeah she was Jamaican yes she was they did have a couple of tough nannies

oh tough we call them Haitian is that what you call it no you're tough but I was really oh you got a Haitian here yeah I know No, I had a Grenadian nanny when they were little.

Yes, Haitian. But the one that was the meanest was the French nanny. Oh, yeah, French people were mean. Oh, she was mean. She was tough on them. But anyway, but they were good kids. So, no, but I was the mom who went to pick up my son from camp because he wasn't having fun.

And all the other moms told me I was an asshole for doing that. But I said, I'm sorry. He's not happy. I'm bringing him home. And the camp director's looking at me like, you know, I'm Satan. Like, I can't believe you. What kind of car were you picking your kids up in? I feel like it was a cool car.

A BMW. No. Mercedes? Yeah. It was a Benz. It was a Benz though. That's why they were mad. They were like,

you came and picked them up in a Benz and what were you playing? Some Rick Ross? No, no, no, no. No, no, at the time it was probably... Frank Sinatra?

Oh, no, no, no. Out the WV. No, I'm more of like a Whitney or a... I want to dance with somebody. She's like, Ryan, get your butt in here. Actually, oh my God.

That reminds me, once I went to pick up my school, my son at middle school, and I was blasting some rap song where they were like, saying like, motherfucker, something or other. And my son's like, mom, cause my windows were rolled down. I had, oh, we had a convertible.

And everyone's like, motherfucker. Oh, was Jenner, it was J Lo singing with like. Ja Rule. Ja Rule, that's it. It was Ja. L-U-N-E. What's my motherfucking name? That was it.

Sandy's, she got pulled up. And I pulled up. She got some Celine shades on. Oh, wait. And what made it worse is, I swear, I had a T-shirt. I always like to wear T-shirts that said shit. I still do. And it said skinny bitch on it.

Sandy, what were you going through? I don't know. I was crazy. And my son was like, oh, mom, you've got to get back in the car. Oh, you get out of the car to meet your kids? Yes. Yes. Get in the car.

Like a cool kid at school. She had cool shoes on. That's why. She had them Chanel's. She had them slides. Slides. She had a clog on. But we did have the house that all the kids came to.

Yeah, because you were the mom that was like, I would rather you drink here than drink outside. Yeah, I was the cool mom, definitely. Who do you guys like? Jim Bean? Jim Bean. Does anybody want a Negroni? No.

An old fashion? Are you doing martinis today, Cheryl? But like when it was prom season, we did all the makeup for all the girls in our house. But the kids were partying at your house. Oh, so they had a strong eyebrow, I bet. They had a strong. No, it was a thin brow.

They had a dusky lid, yeah. Dusky. I don't know, but there was a lot of lip liner going around in my house. Sandy, you're hilarious, yo. I can't. Oh, and the kids, because our house was right near the high school, and we also- They would cut school and come to your house. Yes, but this is obnoxious, but we had a swimming pool.

So the kids would come between classes for a swim and then go back to school and shit. So fun. And I always left the door open. Sandy. Yes. And nobody robbed you. Never. You always left the door open.

All the doors were unlocked. and the keys were sitting in our car in our driveway I just figured the world will provide nobody ever ever took a fucking thing this is why we're not doing well because we're worried about you know whatever

but the world will provide can we put that on a shirt we should get that on some jacket can we get some merch here's an example here's my carm example once I gave my husband when he turned 50 I gave him a Vespa little motorbike

which was so cool and once somebody tried to steal it from our front driveway they stole it they went a half a block and they left it because they didn't know

how to like start it again or something it might have stalled out so nobody could even try to steal something because karma because the universe

was like actually the universe said no you do not take their shit the universe was like I got you the universe was like this white woman needs this meanwhile

I fell down the stairs and the universe was like well I mean you deserved it it's her birthday oopsies let her fall down the stairs oopsies

now wait sandy i have a question like how do you talk to your kids like they're they're older now so yeah but growing up did you talk to them like they were already going to be adults like they already understood did you maybe talk to them well i i was trying to be a good listener which i might not necessarily always had been a good listener but i did respect them enough to talk to them in a way where i wanted them to be honest with me and we were always really close so they would always tell me a lot of stuff that i don't think other mothers would hear from their kids are y'all fucking or what mom his dick is so small

that I never wanted to know mom it hurts only ask questions you want answers Sandy how did you get to period talk let's talk about that I don't think I ever had to I think they do it at school in hygiene when they're like 9 years old

you didn't get the period talk in school I got the period talk at home once you get that you can have babies and that was it I've never gotten a sex talk from my parents I think the only sex talk I ever gave to my kids was, I'm not raising your children. So I don't want any MTV teenage girl pregnancy. But I didn't have to worry.

They just weren't those kind of kids. What the hell does that mean? They were like, when they were young, they were kind of timid. What the hell does that mean, Sandy? They weren't like, roustabouting. What the fuck does that mean? I guess I was a roustabouting. Yes, you were roustabouting.

Because you didn't get the talk that your mother was not raising your kids. I mean, when they went to college, all bets were off. but I didn't want to know about it yeah but you had the party house your kids I feel like your kids

talk to you about guys that they like or girls that they're dating they come to you for like advice on things like that like I don't talk to my mother about dating

they definitely made out with somebody in front of the house oh yeah absolutely and Sandy was like she stayed up she was sitting on the couch

just like waiting for them to come home they're pretty good but once we had once I took our son down to Times Square for New Year's Eve and I said to the girl

you don't care about your children it was so stupid it was so stupid Somebody called CPS. I said to the girls, I said, don't have a lot of people over. Because I knew they were going to have a party. I just knew it.

And we get home at like 1.30. And there is a dude peeing in my driveway. Of course. Not even in the bathroom. Like on the flowers. And my husband said, you know, you could use the bathroom inside. And the guy said. We have three.

We got a few. And the guy said. And a half. It's cool, dude. I'm fine. Like, what? So, yeah, they had some wild parties in our house. That's not wild.

He's peeing on the petunias. That's nothing. I don't know what was going on in the house I just know it was out I mean who knows what's going on Wild is if they were cooking K in the microwave That's wild No wild is like they were having sex in your bed They weren't

Not those Oh you don't know Sandy We actually have a voicemail from your daughter Where she says What do you call that like that side That side bed What's a side bed? A chaise? Like a cot?

No not like a cot it's like a day bed Yeah, they were having sex in the day bed, bitch. It's known as a divan, an old school divan. That's where women used to have the smelling salts and they would want to faint. The fainting bed, the fainting bed. No, so, you know, whatever. But they seem to be, they went off to college. They all seem to do fine.

And your daughter just got married recently. Yes, my daughter, thank God, one's down. One of the twins. One of the twins got married. Is there pressure for the other twin? No, she has a wonderful boyfriend that she lives with in LA and she's cool. Ain't nobody gay, Sandy? No.

Damn. I was kind of hoping I was kind of I was kind of hoping that my son would but no he's straight you were kind of hoping that your son was gay

kind of a little bit when he was really little he was so cute and my daughters used to dress him up like Britney Spears why would you dare let them do that

yeah because that's what girls that's what girls do he was so pretty but no he's totally straight all my kids straight he's terrible yeah mainstream

very mainstream you know they say one in four one in five yeah well you should have had two more kids I know

you'd have a gay baby yeah too late I've already closed down that Velcro strip but you have us where are your babies that's right I'm gay

yeah you're my perfect gay daughter oh thank you perfect yes this is a problematic word for me yeah she's perfect

now that I'm your daughter you got dental I honestly want trying to get this root canal like tomorrow well you should meet my husband

he's a dentist he's a dentist word yeah but he do pro bono work what's gonna go to NYU well he used to do pro bono work at NYU

but he doesn't do it anymore but he would give you a very good deal what the hell is a deal what's a good deal I don't know a deal is zero

a deal is bring me a coffee and I'll do your teeth for free he would definitely try to work with you but unfortunately well I'm gonna have to

get a tooth so I'll get my root canal I'll get my root canal at NYU and then come to you want him just to give you a tooth

like somebody else's that's like sitting in a bin like an old like a refurbished tooth a refurbished tooth no no he would build you a tooth build me a tooth bitch

you gotta pay for that dude yeah how much I don't know she don't work for him I don't work for him but he would definitely make you a very okay I'll talk to you

he would come up with a good dental plan for you okay see or you could pay it off really slowly oh bitch that's exactly

that's exactly I was gonna shut up that's exactly like a layaway rainbow shops tooth ooh that is so my brand

rainbow shops I used to love the rainbow shops Sydney loves rainbow now I was just there yesterday didn't have anything my size love love

Sandy you're not shopping at Rainbow still I used to I was once robbed in a Rainbow stop it yeah cause they were like

why is this rich ass bitch in here you had pearls on you had the purse on the crook of your arm they were like she got money no it was a long

long time ago you brought the bins in front of Rainbow they were like uh uh we're definitely robbing her now this is like 35 years ago

I was broke no it was bad I don't believe you were broke 35 years ago I don't believe well I yeah I didn't start

doing well weren't you born 35 years ago who was born 35 years ago Sydney was born if only I don't even know

what that means 35 you'll find out one day when you're 35 now Sydney well how does 35 feel I don't know John was gonna ask you

you just fell down the stairs that's some 35 shit no that's some young 20 something now when she gets to if she were my age and she fell down the stairs she would have broken her hip

I'd have died on my birthday she's cool she's still good you're resilient yeah I've been working out Sydney I feel like your kids

text you and call you all the time they do they do they call me everyone either texts or calls at least once a day

and my daughter will just send me a picture of a rash and say what's this or you know you WebMD now do I what sorry are you WebMD now

yes I've always been I call myself the corner doctor shop the pharmacy you can send me pictures of any rash and I will have

an explanation Sydney go ahead and pull your pistachios Whatever it is, I got it. I ain't got rashes no more. Show her your rashes. I'm rash free now. Anything that looks.

I'm gay and clean of rashes now. Gay people don't get rashes? No. I feel like that's a lie. So clean. No suspicious moldage anywhere? No, no. I have a little mold here.

Yeah, that's a good one. That's fine. Show Sandy the bumps. Yeah, I know all this stuff. But they also, like, they'll ask me about, like, how to deal with bosses or, you know, boyfriends or whatever. Okay, well, give us a minute. other shit if i'm if i okay i what would you tell i'm having a problem with my boss uh he's he's

really on my he's really being mean yes i'm late every day but like that's none of my boss's business well basically i tell all of my kids that when i was you know a young person starting out i would jump if they said jump i'd say how high you do whatever they tell you to do with a smile and you pay your dues and you just eat it until you can't eat it anymore and if it's the kind of career or job that you really want to stay in, then just, as we say, bend over and bear down. The old expression. Bend over and bear down. Have you heard that

old expression? No, what was the thing you said before? Road hard and drive left right? Or the other expression I always say about hating your job, it's like, I'd rather bathe an old person. That's the other expression. What? I'd rather bathe an old person. Like if your boss tells you, go do this, you think to yourself,

I'd rather bathe an old person. It's just the image of what that means. It's just not a fun thing. But anyway, I always tell my kids, you know, just suck it up because you have a job. And if it's a career you want, you just have to do it unless they're either doing something that's, I mean, really harsh or like sexually predator style shit or whatever. But if it's just normal work shit, just do it. Where do your kids work? Well, my daughter works at Lighthouse Management out in L.A.

She's talent management. And my son is working for a real estate hedge fund in Brooklyn. Excuse me. And my other daughter. You sound like black girls. Okay. That's what I was going to say. I was like, Marie.

Or not. And then my other daughter is a special ed school teacher at Stephen Gaynor on the Upper West Side. Oh, you got some good kids. She's a humanitarian out of the group. She is. She's sweet. They're all sweet, though. They're good kids.

So anyway, but I'm also like, I just went to L.A. last week to visit Kira. And we go, I made her take me shopping for weed at the MedMed store. So cool. That's, you know, not a lot of moms do that. I just thought that would be fun. I wanted to have the adventure. Do you smoke weed? Yeah.

Sandy, let's blaze after the podcast. You take edibles? Yep. Sandy, so your daughter took you to get some weed in LA and you're there just like... It was so much fun. It was like going into the Apple store. Yeah. It was super fancy.

Yeah, when you have coins, it does feel like the Apple store. Yeah, I'll take a look at that. Half a dozen of those. It was shiny. Is this organic? Yeah, they had like gumdrops and all kinds of stuff. Yeah. Damn, I should have brought you some.

So fun. But the only thing was I was really nervous because I had to get it back to New York and I was afraid it would be like. Oh, yeah. I bring all my drugs back on the plane. Like some crime scene where I would be like accosted and stuck in jail. Well, how much drugs did you buy? Not a lot.

So little. So little. She'd lie. Sandy, do you know how to roll a blunt? No. What a Dutch. No. That's what husbands are for.

No. Your husband rolls the weed for you? For himself, too. Yeah. But does he use Dutch masters? I don't know. He uses rolling papers. He's like gold foil rolling papers.

Oh, yeah, he does. I can see it. But anyway, but we had fun. It was great. And when we went to see, I took my daughter and I went to see Beyonce when we were in LA. Which is bullshit because you know us. We should have been there too. So good.

How much were the tickets? Too much. She's not going to say it. I'm not going to say it. That's how ridiculous they are. $2,000 each. No, no, no, no. She said she was in the front row.

She said she could see Beyonce's labia. There's no. Like, honestly. Spanx for Spanx. no it wasn't expensive because my daughter knows people being in the

oh she got hookups she got hookups we gotta quit this comedy thing yeah start making some what have you done for me lately Sandy

you got all these connections you'll have to go see my husband and get your tooth fixed I'm gonna fix this tooth get your tooth fixed getting good with the sound

I will we have it you have you know evidence because I'm recording this I'm telling you I'll be there for Hanukkah don't worry

yeah you'll come can a tooth be one of my gifts so in other words we're going to be your tooth fair yeah yeah adult tooth fair put a little bit of cbd oil on that fucking tooth too yeah whatever you need whatever you need yeah i feel like i want to go back to on the run you went so what's the craziest thing that you've done with your kids or something that's normal to you but people are like wait what like other people can't um well i I think every day that sort of happens because I really do feel like they like when my kids go out at night when they're all in town together at the same time, they'll call me and ask me to meet them at a bar, which I don't do because it's just hard.

It's late. I'm tired. But they assume that I want to go meet them in some bar at midnight. That's how cool you are, Sandy. That they're like, I want my mom to be here right now. I would never call my mom and be like, one, I'm at a bar and two, I want you to come join me. Yeah, they do that. Not even in the daytime.

The nighttime? Especially now. Oh, my God. Yeah, so, you know, I think it's just like a general vibe that they don't think. I mean, I'm certainly not their friend. I am their mother. But I'm the kind of mom. I'm the cool mom.

I'm the kind of mom. Yeah, you're the mom for mean girls. Where they don't feel like they have to hide shit from me. And they think I will enjoy whatever it is they're enjoying. When you go out, what's your drink? What are you drinking at the bar? Tequila and lime juice. Oh, you're getting litty.

You got the chauffeur coming Alfred's coming to pick you up If you got tequila I like tequila Tequila Tequila makes me aggressive Does it make you aggressive? It just makes me awake

Yeah it gives you energy Yeah it gives you a lot of energy Yeah It's like a good Healthy alcohol When I did a The way I see it It's very healthy alcohol

I did a tequila on the run Tour as well Back in the day And let me tell you I had all the energy I never went to sleep Yeah that's right I've been also doing coke

But whatever Well there you go Same combo So, but yeah, so like, I'm not like, I don't feel inhibited around my kids to drink with them or do whatever, you know, we have fun. So, oh, and we also, this is so obnoxious, but we're kind of the same size. So my kids will give me their clothes if they think it are. No way.

Sandy's wearing crop tops in Westchester. Well, I'm not exactly wearing crop tops, but there are certain things. You're wearing Mandy's white pants right now? Yeah, they'll give me their little J brand jeans or whatever. So cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sandy, you are cute. You're the cutest.

You're so sweet. You're definitely like. I'm embarrassed that now you think I'm some like rich bitch but I'm not no but we always thought that Sandy I went to your place

okay I saw your floors I know that you're doing well Sandy I've seen them Chanel boots on your feet at a comedy show I said

she wearing Chanel for comedy she's rich she's a Rockefeller yeah also I was in your car I feel like you dropped me off at the train

Sandy you're Rothschild yeah well now I drive an electric car because I I'm trying to help the environment to get you.

No, no, no, because you can afford an electric car to care about the environment. It's electric. It's electric. So Sandy, what's like five tips

that you would give to like moms out there to just- Five is a huge number. To keep it cool. You pulled that number right out your butt. Yeah, five.

I like it. All right, so one, the most basic, love your children all the time. No matter what. No matter what. No matter what. You want them to feel safe

so they can actually tell you shit that they don't think you're going to be comfortable with. Oh, I'm not telling my mom nothing. Love them all the time. Two, you don't spoil them, meaning that they have to understand that there's value in money. I hold money as something very important.

Right. And if you want it, you better fucking work for it. Yes. Because you had to work. I helped them, but not so much that they could relax. I also got them out of the house after college because I didn't want to do their laundry. Get the fuck out. Not interested.

No, get out. Go. Take your skid marks and go. Yeah. And I really think it's super important that my children as siblings be really kind and good to each other because I had a sibling who died when I was young.

So I'm an only child and they're so fucking lucky to have each other. So I want the three of them to love and support each other all the time. That's beautiful. And be really good to their bonus dad, which they are. They love him.

Well, they've been with bonus dad for most of their lives. Yeah, 20 years. And just be honest people that I can respect. And I always tell them, don't do anything that you don't want to appear on the first page

of the daily news I'm sitting too late for you sis okay nothing good happens after two in the morning nothing nothing that's some good times

after two in the morning some of my best friends are from after two in the morning so your kids have never done anything crazy like they've never gotten arrested oh yeah actually

I think she's like oh yeah what do you mean all the time yeah well one of my kids was arrested because she had a chalk license they were arresting people for that

yes and it was a racket they go around these like small towns and if they find you have a fake ID oh they were bored they send you

they put her in jail I had to go pick her up they took out her shoelaces out of her shoes I swear she was crying like she had like Tammy Faye Baker

at the mall her eyes were all runny and the poor kid was like traumatized I had to hire a lawyer to get her she had to do community service

like I don't know like a hundred hours how old was she when her license was chopped She was like 19 or 20. Instead, oh, so she was a year off. And she wasn't even in a liquor store. She was in Dunkin' Donuts.

What? Yes. Why was she putting up her ID at Dunkin'? Because next door was a liquor store where her friend was buying. Yeah, tell the truth. You're like, so I would like an Irish coffee. Could you put some Baileys in here? So her friend was next door buying probably wine or booze or whatever.

And then the cop said, are you here with friends? And her friend gave her up and said, they're next door. Bitches. Bitches. You can't trust bitches who drink Baileys. I'd be like, I'm sorry, I don't know you. I'm just here to get donuts for my mom. She's outside.

And then my son got picked up once for- Your son? Two arrests? Yes. But he, no, his was mild. I don't think we had to go to court, but I think he had- He had kilos of cocaine on him yesterday. He had a joint in his pocket.

Oh, and they had, oh, he had a joint in his pocket and they had like a case of beer in the backseat of the car. Nothing. Not open. Open. But, not open. But anyway, so- A keg in the car and cocaine in his pocket.

so two police records out of three but not all three just two out of three not bad I mean that's mostly your kids that's all of your kids

that's all the children because we count the twins as one yes so one had a chalked ID you know the other one was using the same ID sure enough

yeah well they're identical twins of course they were they were passing it passing it passing it back and forth so yeah so but it still

doesn't seem like a big deal so what you say your kids get arrested and you're like this is bullshit or are you like this is what you get for doing what you

Like, you did something wrong. No, because it's bullshit. It was bullshit. The cops didn't plant the drugs. Just like a mom. It was bullshit. This is bullshit. No, it was bullshit.

It was like, first of all, she was in Dunkin' fucking Donuts. Or she told you she was in Dunkin' Donuts. No, it was bullshit. It was like after 9-11, they were very careful about everybody's ID. It's like such bullshit. No, I never for a minute thought that it was bad. I would have done the same thing when I was young. Shit, I did worse probably.

I don't know. Okay, well, we got a couple minutes. that was the worst thing that you've ever done for the listeners. I don't know. Keep in mind, we have people listening

in Botswana, Australia. Well, actually, I do have a new habit, which is really bad, which I shouldn't tell, but I have this thing. Just say allegedly. Well, okay, allegedly,

when I go into grocery stores, I'm very annoyed that they don't have checkout girls that you have to scan it yourself. So you'd be stealing? Oh, we all take from that self-checkout, bitch.

They dumb. Why would you let me self-checkout myself? Yeah, yeah. You're like, This is more bananas. It's just like juice. But I do,

no, I do things that seem really reckless. Like I'll say something's not organic, like the fruits, which you know are like twice the price. Oh, yeah.

Or I'll steal like the most expensive small thing, like a little liquid thing of vanilla or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like Bonnie and fucking Clyde

when I walk out of the store. You're a rush. She's like, woo! Start the car! Start the car! Start the car! We got a Winona Ryder

right here. Yeah. No, small time crime, but there's something about it I like. I don't know it gives me power it does

I'm taking the power back from the man if they can't afford to have checkout cashiers then fuck it they can't afford to lose

some organic apples you're gonna have to lose I'm getting an extra bunch of grapes allegedly allegedly I don't steal anymore

I'm a Christian now I still steal Sandy thank you so much for being here this has been fantastic we had such a blast with you I hope I didn't seem

like a real asshole no what do you mean We want assholes on the podcast. We are the assholes. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, Sandy. Speak for yourself. Well, I do love you both.

And if you could come live with me, I would say come live with me. I mean, you going to give us cars? Yeah. I mean, a cab to your house is a lot. So I first got to have like $100 just to get to Scarsdale. But once I get there, I know that you're going to take care of me. Yes, Metro North. I know you're going to have some proper snacks.

Yeah, we have snacks. You're going to have crushed ice for me. Yes. So like, honestly. Crushed and then also cubed. Cubed. Options. You know she got the ice that comes out the fridge door

No no no She's old school Oh you don't have Oh Sandy you're doing bad You got a regular fridge I have an ice bin But they don't crush them They just cube them up

Okay well let's schedule some time To hang out Let's grab a drink Anytime I'm a cool mom As soon as MedMed opens in New York will go. What the fuck is that? That's the place you go to meet the

bud tenders to buy your weed. It's going to open in New York as soon as it gets legal. Look how big Sandy's ring is on her finger. Let me see. That's like reality Starbie. Oh my god, my eye is just blind. Sandy, if you were if there was Real Housewives of Scarsdale, you'd be like the wife that

threw a glass in somebody's face. No, I'm not. Threw a drink in someone's face. No, I'm the one. I'm the peacekeeper. No, no. Sandy, you're the one flipping tables over Or like Teresa Giudice. Sandy's the fun one. She would be the one with like a glass of pina colada.

She's like, what are you guys yelling about? Come on. No, I want to be that one who's the royal. What's her name? The Duchess. Leanne Sepp. The Countess. The Countess.

I want to be the Countess. Want to rehab? You want to be her? She did? Yeah, she went to rehab. I mean, none of them. All the cool ones go to rehab. Well, I guess I want to be like Bethany then so I could own my own.

Oh, skinny girl? My own tequila company. Yes, that would be the look. That would be good. That would be the look. I go that way I support that And she has good

Toned arms I like that She's toned I mean she's miserable As a person But yeah she's She's rich She's rich

You're allowed to be rich And sad But you know what There are a lot of Very unhappy rich people Sanda you would know You would know You know Sydney and I

Are like We're on the outside Looking in Just fogging up the window With our poor A lot of fucked up Rich people There are

A lot of fucked up Poor people too That's true Well tell people listening Where they can catch more of your cool mom-ness? Well, my website is Sandy J. Marks,

M-A-R-X, S-A-N-D-I with a smile sign over at jmarks.com and it lists all my gigs. I'll be at the, I don't know when this airs, but I'm on the,

I'm on the ladies, what is it called? She Makes Me Laugh. She Makes Me Laugh Festival next week at the Pitt. I'll be all over town whoring myself. Yeah, it's hard to whore.

Oh, and I'm also the subject of a documentary. Oh. Of course you are. So who knows when that will get released. It's still being edited, but we'll see. Where is it going to be? What platform?

Well, he's going to submit it to all the festivals. It's a short doc. And it might turn out to be like a very bad story. No, it won't. I'm hoping it doesn't come out like the Jinx or something. It'll be incredible. Hopefully it'll be all right. The Jinx.

Sandy murdered someone. Well, thank you so much for being here. you are my second favorite mom yeah we love you so much thank you and thanks for our gifts I love you bye

bye oh yes and everybody make sure you like comment and subscribe subscribe you know

tag us on Instagram let us know we listen in and know that we're doing a show for New York Comedy Festival on November 5th we're hosting it

here in Brooklyn so come to that it's gonna be at Union Hall 7.30pm oh I'm coming November 5th bring your ass

yes bye forever this has been a forever dog production executive produced by brett boehm joe cilio and alex ramsey for more original podcasts please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you get your podcasts keep up with the latest forever dog news by following us on twitter and instagram at forever dog team and liking our page and Facebook.