MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Country Expert" with Derrick Thompson

Episode Date: September 29, 2017

Sydnee and Marie talk with Derrick Thompson about being from the south and being country.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hello hello welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with sydney and marie ah laughs don't laugh don't laugh i'm already my face already we're starting off too hot too hot let's take it back let's take it back okay hi guys hello everyone welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with marie and sydney sydney what the hell is up girl what are you doing well i'm a turtleneck i talked about this last time i feel like we did but we could just say i wear turtlenecks on a rag and it's fitted your biceps are exposed do you see it also your boobs look quite plump oh yeah well you know i went to the gym today and your boobs look big because of the gym yeah pump it up i worked on my pecs bitch that's what i was doing i was doing

those breast exercises and um i'm feeling good i'm excited this is like a good day this is a great day actually better hair looks great better than the other days so yeah yes yes yes yes yes don't be trying to bring the mood down no no no what about you marie you're looking great you're having a great day i didn't get any phone calls today from anybody that was sad so yeah a great day you you look very loving basketball right now even though this is a football shirt okay but it's loving basketball it's my man shirt right it's mine it's mine and the sweats too also mine uh Who in that room? Hello? You got your room door all closed. Corey, don't let him in!

His name is Corey. Hey, Corey. I just made that up. Make me a sandwich, nigga. It's black dude's name, Corey, right? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. I'm feeling great. I feel like we got a lot of great things that have happened

in the last couple days. We're living our best black Baroque lives. Best lives. But I feel like it's coming to a close the the period of time where i can say that i'm broke yeah i feel like money coming like not now but like 2018 i'm gonna be like rolling i'm gonna be i'm gonna make like six t thousand dollars next year yeah really you saw i said it sounded like i was gonna say six figures and not dude i hope i i'm praying for the same for me i'm really listen i'm gonna be i make close to

six figures next year i'm gonna make six figures next year that's six figures 60k no six figures oh it was like 60k is like five figures damn sydney i'm gonna also get you a calculator thank you please um sydney what the hell were you an expert in this week uh being a good-ass girlfriend good-ass girlfriend so a girlfriend with a good ass no good-ass girlfriend like took my girl to dinner who paid i mean she paid okay but um but you were there yeah that exactly i showed up we were there to get i paid for the uber back and back home like two and back how much was the uber it was a lot actually it was like 30 30 like going there and coming back and we did uber pool whatever so that's a good ass girlfriend right there you were present so

took her to dinner and then we went to the bronx botanical garden i'm gonna stop you right there you went to the bronx yeah that sounds like an awful girlfriend to me well that's what she wanted to do so i'm saying more yeses and less no's so i think right off the bat like i deserve everything this week you deserve some ass i get it we went to the bronx botanical garden and it was actually cool um it's originally 28 to go there right nothing in the bronx should be 28 exactamundo like it took us like 20 rent in the bronx is anything that should be 28 it took us 12 transfers and 32 hours to get to that bitch. So we go there.

It's $28. But then it says if you have like a New York State ID, you can get the $15 pass, right? But the $15 pass means you pretty much can just walk around that bitch. Like you can't walk into the atrium. You can't go into the library. You can't go inside, but you're paying half. No, you're just outside walking around. So we pay for the 15 because I was like 15 sounds better than me.

But the flowers are like dying on the outside. Yeah, they're dying. So the flowers are bringing that that Bronx air. Exactly. So when we strolled into these gardens that are outside, I was like, this look real Bronx. This look real sad. I feel like that flower got on too. I was like that flower in debt.

Why those roses look like they front of projects? What's going on? Flowers had like they were wrapped in check cashing place. Yes, it was. um it was like a rose it no a tree grows in the bodega like they looked so sad but we were like trying to take some photos tried to do it up you know i saw you were at the fountain we did a little couple photos um you couldn't even get on the tram for 15 you can't get on that tram the thing that like gives you the tour you can't even get on that bitch like you have 15 just you can

just walk around outside the gardens? That's it. And it's mad old people there, so they were like, yeah, we're not going to be outside. We're going to be inside. Is there a free day? Wednesday. So me and you should def go, and I feel like we could redo them photos, and we could be in the atrium

and everything, like, look mad cultured. You're going to redo the couple's photos? Yeah! Your girlfriend's going to stab you. Oh, then I'll be the expert in being a badass girlfriend. So, no, it was cool. We went there, and I was glad we spent, you know, about five hours there we just walking around she brought sandwiches fruit it was real it was very picnicky it was

what kind of sandwiches uh boar's head boar's head sandwiches okay so they were from just meat holding two pieces of meat they're from the bodega oh she didn't even make them but i paid for them but were they on the roll were they on a hero on a roll and a hero so you got the role okay how'd you know i feel like you know me you know like long get it got it yes that's why we're friends how many of us have been friends marie what were you an expert in this week speaking of being a good ass girlfriend your girlfriend makes bomb ass edibles shout out to adrian she should really sell them honestly at our live show truly uh but she uh she makes really great edibles that like give you like a nice

smooth as high so i was an expert at taking edibles uh and not overdoing it with the edibles this week this week this week because i always do too much i'm proud of you i'm always like what is this popcorn but i'm smoking a little bit and is this is this jack daniels like i'm i'll mix too many things you stay mixing exactly and i learned my lesson that time i threw up in that uber and they charged me a hundred dollars for it did you believe because they the kids the people in the told me that you were that you got real loose okay let me tell you what happened so a couple weeks ago i was an expert at like going to my friend's house to watch game of thrones and day drinking rose all day right so bottle of rose by myself by myself so i'm drunk

and uh we were looking for weed and we couldn't find none so we just kept smoking weed we kept we just kept drinking and then uh our friend carolina her roommates came home and they're like oh we gotta eat and when you get too drunk there's a point where you should not try to also be high right so i had already crossed that line so i took a couple of hits and then it hit me real hard like everything room started spinning i was like what was in that weed and they were like literally just you know herbs and i was like y'all trying to kill me and i started freaking out and i felt like i needed to throw up and i kept going to the bathroom and nothing was coming out because my body's like nah we're too cool for this so i was like in and out of the room missed

the entire episodes of game of thrones because i was but i text you that night because i was i had a show and i was like i wonder why marie's not here because i was trying to figure out how to breathe i was in the bathroom like anyway so uh good to know that my friends uh can't keep secrets nope and i already know which messy ass friend told you oh you know who it was He got to lose his lips. Just didn't tell me. He was like, ooh, girl, Marie was here being real messy. Oh, my God.

And then I was trying to get an Uber to go home, and I couldn't even order it. I was like, I'm just going to stay on this couch. And then they were like, Marie, you can stay here. I was like, I already decided I was going to stay here. So, but thank you for bringing that back, Sydney, to mess up my expertise this week. i was an expert at not doing too much okay with my drugs or my alcohol but you see that you you you were able to like it was like two in one thank you so much you're doing the lord's work because you won't let me be great no you won't let me not that's that's what friends are for

speaking of not being great uh our next guest isn't no i love a great intro i love it no no let us say you hold on you just want people to hear a sexy i'm gonna knock that fucking mic out of your hand radio voice yeah hold on a second our guest today is uh is a comic who's done our show before he's a really funny guy uh you see him probably all over the city because he be everywhere all the time i'm like did i just leave you in queen yeah he's everywhere um and he's he's freaking hilarious y'all are gonna really love him he is our country country expert uh because he he quite country uh it's derrick thompson ladies and gentlemen, Derek Thompson!

Oh, hey, everybody. How you doing? No, no, no, no. You need to start it over because it sounds like your nails are dirty. Do that over. My nails are dirty? How did you know? Sounds like you just asked somebody for a Lucy. Anybody can spell some change.

12.30 start time. 12.30 start time. This dude got a lot of nerve. You showed him sweatpants. You're like, y'all not on time. You look like you got new sneakers on, Derek. Well, you know, a nigga's doing good. out in these shoes, look. Is a nigga doing well? You remember last year?

I had a dusty shit. What kind of sneakers you had last year? Some good jogging sneakers. You don't even have a gym membership. When I hear the Manhattan-bound L train is approaching the station, that's when I jog. I'm on the jog

catching the train. So, Derek, talk to us a little about you. Where are you from? North Carolina. The home of Petey Pablo. North Carolina! Come on and raise it! Take your shirt off. Oh, there it is. Doing like a head and a gutter.

Us, us, us, us. Who am I? Petey Bob, motherfucker. Yo, shout out to all the Petey Pablo fans out there. All six of y'all. Okay. I knew like three girls in that video, right? You did?

Yeah. Then after they did that shit, they ain't no nigga on campus no more. Just walk around. Oh, they were. Derek, you went to college? You're goddamn right. I can read.

I can read. No, no, no. You went to college. Yeah, that's great. What did you study in college? Computer science. So you went to BMCC. Okay, got it.

I feel like most people listening don't even know what that is. That's online classes to college. Oh, my God. Dude, she's trying to call you a penis. It's like a DeVry. It's like an ITT. She's always trying to play me. So what is North Carolina known for besides Petey Pablo?

College basketball and not letting transsexuals use the bathrooms. Oh, my gosh. That is terrible. That is North Carolina. They've been hard on that last year. That's awful. But you see how he said it? NCAA took all that basketball money away.

Then they got rid of the governor. It was like, we got to have that. Oh, my God. NCAA is what saved trans bathrooms. Pretty much. Well, money anyway. That's interesting. Damn, North Carolina.

And I've never seen a transsexual person in North Carolina, ever. well because they know to get the hell out of it ever just i just it's just gay people but i've never seen a transsexual person so i don't know why that well also the trans world they're like they're next level they're like moving up like some people you don't even know that they're trans the jobs are getting real good you can't tell them yeah you can't tell i usually check for the shoulders and like the facial features don't you dare not don't you don't you fucking Oh, you got lady shoulders. You got a lot of that.

You ain't got your gun out, though. I see that. You just doing curls and stuff. I got my little shoulders. So, Derek, what brings you to New York? If North Carolina is so great with its normal bathrooms and its Petey Pablo flag waving. And their all right basketball team. And the basic ball team.

Yeah. Like, what brings you to New York? Comedy. Comedy is the shit. You can't do comedy in North Carolina? You can, but the ceiling is, like, so low. The ceiling is low? Yeah, it's so low.

And you are quite tall Yes Well this is where you go to get good Make sure you're good Derek how tall are you? Six five and three quarters You are six five Tall lanky guy

And speaking of lanky Those legs look like arms Wow do you even work them out my friend Have you heard of a lunge? Have you ever heard of Come on like arms arms You don't be doing squats You look like you're on all fours right now

I'm trying to get my booty big. No, for your, like, hamstrings and your quads, dude. I don't be worrying about that exercise and shit. As long as my dick big. Can I say that? Oh, wow. No, you can't. You can say it, but we know you're lying.

We are going to cut that out. We know that your dick is. Yeah, we ain't even see no print, dude. Shut up. We know your dick is unemployed. Look, I can show y'all off air. Show us on air, on the record. On the record.

Let me see. Put it on the table. Put it on the mic. Let's put it on Cindy's laptop keyboard. Yeah. I don't want to break this table. Let me see how many words per minute your dick can type. Wait.

So, Derek. So, you're 6'5". How much do you weigh? 180. I feel like that's not a lot. No. Because you are super slender. Yeah, if I was 210, it'd be too much.

It'd be too much. I'd have to just deflect pussy all the time. I don't want to do that. Deflect pussy. Where'd you learn that word from? Get away. You learned it at DeVry. You learned it at DeVry.

I went to NC State University. Thank you very much. NC State. Yes. Oh, excuse me. I used to be very smart, y'all. And then what happened? I got woke.

What does that mean? I knew knowledge that ain't in these books, sister. They try to turn you into a robot when you go to college. True. So you didn't graduate. Trying to find out if you can follow orders. Okay. So did you graduate or not?

I slugged myself from that Matrix. I said, to hell with the degree. I'm going to go be funny. You didn't have enough money to finish your degree. And my mom stopped loving me right after that. Because she was like, she put money on your books. Yeah. When I told my dad I was going to do comedy, he was like, you know how much money I spent on your education?

How much did you spend? It was like dance talents. I don't know. I know that nigga knows stuff. He knows it. It was a rhetorical question. So talk to us about your parents. What do they do?

They're in love with Jesus Christ. They're ministers. they're both ministers yes and they work with the school system so how did you turn out like this man what do you mean you mad ratchet but does he love you oh yeah he loves all the sinners of the world so did you grow up in like a really religious household because i know like yes like like the bible belt and i know like southern baptist and all that like they'd be real crazy church all the time like every sunday unless it was a fifth sunday in the month that was the fifth sunday yeah sometimes well you know i never heard of that what's a fifth so what's happening on the

fifth all right ladies are like 31 days right right but what happens at the on the fifth like you know seven days in a week so 28 days so sometimes you have like sometime a day of the week was short five times right what happens at your church on the fifth sunday it's closed that's the only time it was closed oh yo my church never there was never a time there would be a storm there'll be a blizzard everything it was always open oh you really you grew up religious too yes i went to vacation bible school i was an acolyte i was in children's choir i went to vbs oh dude it was terrible well you know it wasn't that bad get free free meals oh we would have either tuna sandwiches or peanut butter and jelly that is it at vacation bible school yes that's all

i had we would have we had good snacks no no good snacks yeah they didn't like you you went to church in harlem i was in oakland oh that makes sense and my auntie is the one who would get all the snacks the auntie was bargaining most of the money and then she was just she's gonna eat these pine cones and these berries yep and then we'd go to pack and save and she would pack on up she was like yo this food is for us get some more of that tuna sandwiches in the summertime i'm not here for that that's not good we ate good i feel like at my vacation bible school we would have like juice cups and like mini bagels and no they would never did i have a party at the end of your vacation battles no there was no party was it no like barbecue for the church no oh you know what

they did have they had like a little um carnival they had like a but you had to pay to get on rides and stuff no no no it was a carnival for the church but there was like it's oakland church like i don't know yeah but the carnival was fucked up because all the old people were running the like games and stuff. We were like, nah, I'm not playing new. Yeah, my church had like a dunk tank where you had to like throw something and then like the pastor would get

dipped and it was like a bunch of old people would go in and we were like, somebody might could die. You know what I mean? So they were baptizing people and making it a game? Making it a ride? And then we would have a car wash. A church car wash. So people would be like, you know. That's actually one of the most.

Yeah, too much. Like they'd be butt ass naked Washing people Washing people With Volkswagens I'm like Sometimes Get your wet tissues Off the front of your ass

She be like I forgot my towel Oops Pastor Troy You crazy Pastor Troy My nigga Look what you see

Ain't no more Paying you yet Wanna be a Baller Jack caller So Derek You grew up in the church So is it

Yes praise Jesus So they say that like pastor's daughters are like the freaky ones what do they say about pastor's sons well it's niggas ever so i don't know worst niggas ever yeah they hit women and they really gay that's what i heard the pastor's sons are always gay the choir directors that's true they are good at what they do why'd you raise your hand like that they yes i am practicing today okay wait so what did you do in the church did you play like an

instrument uh singing the choir sing something for us yeah let me hear the song the only song i led because i really didn't like to do that it was like uh jesus is real by john p key I just killed that shit Go ahead Hit us with a couple bars Jesus is real Jesus is In the choir

Jesus is real I know The Lord Is real To me Then I come in He's real To me

So you What's the verse Hold on let me see What's the melody of that Sometimes when I'm feeling down No one around Jesus is a friend This I found

All I know We used to murder that song It don't sound like I want to murder myself. Yo, I would have booed you in the church. Boo! You didn't have musical accompaniment. You didn't have musical accompaniment.

The Lord said boo! Do the YouTube thing and play it like you did. Wait, hold on, hold on. I'm going to try to find it. What's the name of the song? Is Jesus is Real? Yeah, Joppy. Because I couldn't figure out what the melody was. Joppy Key and the New Life Community Choir. Jesus. I would have thrown one of them hard-ass communion crackers at your

ass. I'm like, boo! Boo, nigga! That is Satan up there singing. That ain't nothing but the devil. A 6'5", 180-pound devil. Dezalbub has found his way into the sanctuary. Okay, I found it.

I'm going to skip a little bit. That don't sound like you were on beat at all. Oh, that's it right there. I love it. Derek, you didn't sound like that at all. Yeah, at all. Of course I didn't sound like him. So your father.

He's got Grammys Your mother kicked you Out the church Cause she was like No No son of mine Is gonna be off beat At the church

Oh my god no We used to kill We used to kill that song So what happened I just wanna know How you got from like North Carolina Super country

Is North Carolina Super country I feel like it is Most of Like Charlotte is Nice And then the triangle You got Durham

Durham Sound country And then Raleigh And Chapel Hill area That's all country It's just nice country, wholesome folks. When I went there, everybody would always say, like, good morning, good afternoon. Everybody was so friendly.

And it's kind of scary because you're like, is this person following me? And like, no, they live in the, this is where they live. They're not following you. But you tell them the story and I got chills. I was like, everybody says good morning. Yeah, because people ain't nice in New York. Do you say good morning to people that you see on the street in New York? No.

I mean, if you said good morning, I'd be like, what this homeless man want? No, stop it. I'm sorry. I don't have any change. Yo, Derek, I don't have any change. I have never been homeless. I just swiped a nigga into the train when I got off. I got a weekly message.

Oh, you got a weekly. In my pocket right now. Jesus, that is real. That's the jam, yo. Y'all need to download that. marie i'm fuck i'm done yo yo this podcast is over everybody says good morning everybody says good morning down there so so every time if you see somebody the same person more than one time in a day y'all speak every time you see you for the most part yeah yeah unless you work with

somebody you probably won't because it's like in your car it's not like and people are very like giving and helpful i remember when i was down there i've i think i lost my phone and somebody They gave you their flip phone? No, no, no. They were trying to help me find the phone. They weren't like, that shit is gone. Like, in New York, if you leave my phone, they're going to be like, okay. The people who help you.

I passed out. People lost their phone today. The people who helped you look for your phone are the people who took your phone. Okay? Did you find it? Did you find it? I did find it. That's that big city mentality.

I found it. And that's that big city. What part of North Carolina did you go? Temple. No, not Temple. What's that? ANC or A&T? Oh, A&T.

North Carolina A&T. Oh, shit. Yeah, A&T. my ex-boyfriend was staying there and I took the bus from from Oakland?

No, Worcester, Massachusetts. It took me like fucking three days to get to that bitch. And I literally had to get right back on the bus

so I could get back in time. It took you three days to get down there for three minutes? It took me like a day. He must have been beating the box up

to get down there for three minutes. I know, you know, three minutes. I'm going to go down there a hot sack and lose my phone.

But I'm going to come so hard. Oh, God. Oh, God. Jesus is real. that's exactly what happened yo that's what happened yo as soon as i as soon as i laid my hat down i was like yo put it down steven put it down and then he didn't even walk you to the bus yo but he didn't he didn't he did not walk me to the bus he was like so a car is gonna come and pick you up to take you to the bus station he didn't even take me to the bus station why what

did he have to do you wore him out like that well when was this this was when i was in college college yeah okay so like over 10 years ago yo my brother might have been down there my brother i might know this guy what's this guy's name i know it wasn't my it might have been my brother i would never well what does your brother look like like me but a little lighter actually he had a heavy beard then but oh no he didn't have a beard he had it looked like he had Like the beginner's beard. It looked like pubes. It was like a couple of pubes.

Ash, gash, bagash beard. Show me a picture of my brother. Yeah, show us a picture of your brother. It might have been one of my brother's niggas, though. One of your brother's niggas? So you left. Yo, E, any of your friends know Sidney Washington? Shut up.

So Derek. Kennell's probably like, yeah, I hit. Yeah, I hit that. He's like, I remember Sidney fondly. I hit that on 09. Nice, nice, nice. No, wait. So you left North Carolina.

you came to new york were you able to like blend in did people know right away that you weren't from new york i don't know i try to blend in like i even when i got lost i pretend like i wasn't lost you're six five you being lost i how like i would never like if i was walking the wrong way down the street i would just keep walking down so you just go into the wrong i didn't want to look stupid yeah no i'm i'm with you on that i hate when i look like i don't know where i'm going i google map everything and i'd be like oh no i'm going the wrong way i'll cross the street or i'll pick up my phone like i have a fake fake phone call i'll be like oh you back there okay i'm coming and then i'll go back exactly i don't i don't know how people got around this motherfucker

without phones if i didn't have a smartphone i would have been in trouble they had them like maps where it was like l7 well yeah i would well first of all before i got on the train i would check the map before i would go anywhere i would know where the address is i would remember the address in my head and then go on the map and see what kind of trains i would have to take and transfer or whatever and that's how i would get there yeah but you get off the train and you'd be like well which way is 346 and then you gotta like walk the wrong way you these are going down okay i gotta go i feel like new york has gotten way more complicated than it was like 10 years ago yes yeah i'm at the point i don't i don't care i just i'll just turn around to about face

yeah see that's good here today like i was supposed to be going towards like what 18th street instead of when i was going towards 17 i just turned around get fucked well see that's the new yorker it's ingrained in you now also you're not saying good morning to people no more so you you you better get some tins and start like calling people short a like you're not even dead ass love that one dead ass b you're like i love saying that it's my favorite new what Yerp. Yerp? What's a yert in North Carolina?

I don't even know, man. Y'all don't even have one? Excuse me, Queens. Ay-yo. Ay-yo. Ay-yo. Ay-may. Ay-may.

I will not turn around to ay-may. I don't know what they're doing. Ay-may. Ay-may. I don't know, but it's been a minute. Going back in October, though. Yeah. What are you doing there for?

Going for a funeral? I come shows. Oh, you got shows on there? You said a funeral? I mean, people usually don't go home unless somebody died or there's a family reunion or a holiday. That's what I've really been doing, but I've got to show down there. Like, what is there to do in North Carolina? What can you do in North Carolina?

Raise a family. It's a good place. Raise a family and be a good family man. Like, what kind of job can you get down there? Well, the computer industry is strong down there. RTP, Research Triangle Park. it's like got sass institute down there like so that's why you want to take industry strong like it's kind of like a little small silicon valley yeah my dad my dad was a computer programmer

too he used to work for uh nortel i don't know what that is but i feel like it seems like he might be a tiny bit disappointed in the computers too so how many brothers you got in the home at like four or five years old so you had a computer at the house when you were four yeah oh yeah i was rich my dad's heavy well middle class that's kind of black rich i guess black rich is middle class you rude pretty much no y'all was rich i had a computer when you were four how old are you 38 no jesus is real wait jesus is real are you really 38 yeah no at first i thought you were like 28 but you had a hard life you just have such a youthful energy you don't seem like somebody who's like you know oh thank you you know what but now that you're talking i'm like i think i

see some gray hairs on your temples i do i do i see it yeah you're 38 derrick boom that's sexy Yo, comedy need to work out now for you, my man. Like, you need to get that Netflix special ASAP. You could blow up old as fuck. Bernie Mac was 40-something. That's true, but Bernie Mac started late. Rodney Dangerfield

was fucking, I don't know how old. Also a white man, though. But Bernie Mac was black. Yeah. And he was Bernie Mac, though. He had a family and he left his job so he could be a comic. He was Bernie Mac, though. I would dump my husband real quick. You're Derek Thompson.

what i know there's love baby i love you yes but derrick is a is a funny he's so funny what are you normally talking about on stage i feel like you talk about like a lot of stuff you know i try to have a broad range of things i talk about and how you keep your audience broad but you know what's your top five topics that you that you talk about dmcd what's your top five i don't even know what my top five are my top five would be my looks uh me dating a dude me dating a woman um oh my bike i talk about my bike now okay and uh more gay stuff more gay stuff i'm like what's my top five my top five is me being a queen yes uh me uh going on dates with people that i don't like for food uh homeless situations because most people

love me um oh my hair yes and uh i don't know what my fifth thing is me three things money holes and clothes shut up first of all you got no money and you have on a sweatsuit Do you have pajamas? Y'all don't know how many hoes I got. Y'all don't even know. How many hoes do you have? I got tender hoes. I got like three tenderonis.

They come to your house. Of course. They step over your roommates. Wait, you have enough space on your phone that you have an app? You have an app? You have the app on your phone? Yeah, I got plenty of apps. You got a Galaxy?

This is a Galaxy. Oh, it looks so terrible. I don't know what that means. I dropped this thing several times. It looks awful. It looks like an Obama phone. What is that? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This is a Trump phone Thank you very much No niggas allowed There's no such thing That's why the phone is all the way So let's talk about dating in New York We'll see

How do you clean up Do you get women in person Much better in person Tinder is like You catch Let's see what picture you put up That's where you get the scallywags wait what's your profile pic it's just a shadow it's a shadow it's an out

shadow with a question it's just an outline of your of your fade it's a silhouette of a dude Wait, for real It's not official, you smile It's definitely not I really don't date because it's not cost effective So you ain't got no money I just smash and grab

You can't even take a chick to get like coffee or something? A little coffee date? I've done that, but you know It's too much? The real quality When I'm like old fashioned, I want to take a girl out Are you old fashioned? Yes, I am

Or are you just old? I'm a gentleman, okay? You about 45, nigga. Shut up. Let's sit. I'm like three years older than you. You couldn't wait. You couldn't wait to come.

That's your clap back? Sidney Judge. I'd love you too much to clap real hard, baby. You can come for me. I'm talking about how you a lady, and you got to add 10 years on that. Oh. Cool bloody. This is real.

Y'all better. Shout out to John P. Key, yo. He gonna get some more hits on iTunes John if you wanna John if you wanna come do the podcast Yo Can we catch him Catch him outside

He need come pray for us Definitely He said 10 years older than 3 years older Okay listen He's a liar He don't say He's a fucking liar

He ain't got no damn gray hair I don't know how Sidney is What I don't know how Sidney is You don't know at all Let me guess Since I know the rules Go ahead

With black people Guess I'm gonna say Sidney's like 32 You are rude I fucking hate you dude I'm 25 You 25 yeah

You totally look 25 though Thank you Oh okay I got 26 Zeddy you back on You know what I got 26 the other day Oh damn

Somebody said you were 26 These white women love Guessing my age wrong Do they have glaucoma Because Wait these white women Look at me at age wrong I just take that compliment

Oh thank you I feel like I feel like you love White women too though Let's talk about it I love women in general No, no, no, no, no. What's your type, Derek?

What's my type? Sexy. How about that? Big. Sexy. How about that? You like them thick? You like a sturdy woman?

I like big booties. No, you love... Everybody likes big booties, Derek. No, you love way more than a big butt. Never just a big butt and a smile. You trying to say I love a big woman? A big woman? A big woman?

A big woman? Some of you are trying to sneak in 10-year-olds. Now you from the South right now. So I've heard, I've heard, I've heard. No, I've seen your lineup, nigga. I've heard. And I'm not talking about comedy. I'm going to be like this, yo

If you see me with a big girl I didn't seek her out She sought me out Oh, no, no, no Don't you do that Don't you do that Don't act like it's not you Like reaching

No, it's you First of all, you're from the south We know that you like A thick woman I like my grits thick I don't like grits A thick woman is nice Well, you know

I'm more about the mental Oh, shit You want a Mr. Reggie, you Yeah, right It's more mental, okay Because I'm trying to find a queen I'm trying to build something You don't even have a home to sleep in.

You're trying to build an Ikea couch. I have a twin bed I sleep on every night. Is it a twin extra long? And it's in an apartment. I'm not homeless. Derek, do you really sleep on a twin bed? That's why you're single, my man. I be smashing hoes on that twin bed.

Yo. I got swag for days. Girls. You got swag, but do you have sheets? Yeah, I got some nice clean sheets. It's got like three sets of them, too. Okay, okay. They're in rotation.

Okay, that's good. I got a bunch of clothes on my floor right now, but I'm a bachelor. On the floor? Do your clothes on the floor, you're like, baby, that's just a carpet. That's a new carpet. I clean up before they come over. Do you like candles? Like what?

Candles? No, I don't do that. That's some love shit. I like some incense to get the funky smell out of that. You ain't got no Febreze? Just hit it with a Febreze. That's quicker, right? A little Glade plug-in.

You ain't got none of that. Wait, Derek, tell us what your type is. All you said was big booty. That's all that matters to you. No, I like sexy. It's like, you know. Yeah, but what's sexy to you? I do believe like the ratio should be nice waist to ass.

And like I do like a nice little curvature. So you like a little waist training, huh? But, you know. What does she look like? She got long hair. She got straight hair. She got curly hair. She natural.

Derek's type is whatever you can get. Okay. I do like women with their like natural hair. Don't look at me when you say that. No, no. No disrespect to my beautiful queen to my right right here. You know what? honestly somebody like you should be happy with whatever the woman's got when you had your natural

hair i was like wow sydney looks great like that maybe she'll go back maybe she'll go back to team dick and we holla even if i did go back to dick it wouldn't be your dick i wouldn't date you either because you like tell jokes you're a comedian and like right so you don't want to do that's a bad mix right there oh is that so derek because i feel like you date comics i have never did let's get into it on my mama on my oh really on my mama on my hood derrick don't you lie on the unofficial expert i'm not lying i know that you've dated i know the comedy like dating oh now who you referring to now he's trying to switch it up he's like when you say date fucking that let's name names show us one more time what you did did you do like the heisman

trophy you don't do that when you're dating yo we can't even we can't air this this we must name names i'm not naming any names rhymes with uh oh no i'm not playing the game we'll get you off the record but for for the record to set it straight there was never a dating thing you just passed through And I went into it. You just went to her house to eat? Oh, you know how you get trapped, right? You know how you get trapped?

She got trapped in them Ugg boots. Oh, it was a white woman. Oh, she wear Ugg boots? You didn't feel them? You didn't feel them when you were doing it? Yeah, it was a white woman. Ugg woops. Yeah, she was white.

If I know who Sidney's talking about, which I believe I do. I got my dirt all in the street. My dirt is all in the street. But, like, that situation, before I hit it the second time, I'm like, she's going to get it. It was more than once. Y'all were dating. Listen, if you hit more than once, that's dating. What constitutes dating?

I'm serious. If you have sex with certain women more than once, they consider that dating. Certain women. Like, some people do consider that dating. If you hook up with somebody and then get them a dollar pizza, nigga, that's a date. Oh, I'd never spend a dollar on her. Because you ain't got one. I had them.

This is for me. He said I had them. He had at least four. This is with me. He had at least four dollars. I'm going to keep these three dollars. I'm going to add it to this 29. I'm going to get me a Metro.

Yo, Derek. Bitch, I didn't use as much because she was driving the nigga everywhere I wanted to go. And she had a car. So she was a Lyft. She was a Lyft driver. It was a situation of convenience. She was here. It was convenient for you.

Yeah. Derek, I hate when dusty ass niggas be like, oh, yeah, shoot, it was convenient. I'm not dusty. You're rude. I'm not dusty. And I'm not being rude I'm being very honest I was very honest with her

A lot of niggas I know Would just be in like You better put gum in your mouth While we're recording this podcast Damn No you won't You're real rude No you won't

You got 20 more minutes Just you know Your breath can be hot For another 20 minutes Okay First of all It's bubble gum flavor So it was gonna be hot anyway

That's not gonna refresh his mouth This shit is good This shit is good So you don't date in New York I do not date Like it's this one young lady Amber is the only one

I've tried to date but I met her before I moved up here but she's like so busy and I'm busy no obviously not I don't date comedians

Amber I guess I would I feel like that name could go either way it has to be the right situation what would be the right situation for you

she's got a home a car not even that it's not about what she has because it shouldn't be about what I have either because you ain't got nothing on that TV

it's always a dumb thing and we're talking about and we're talking about love here no Derek it's not about what you got

you bring it A twin bed to the table No, thank you No, thank you And a ton of potential A ton of kinetic energy Listen, I don't have time For no coulda, woulda, shoulda

No I have potential To be super rich In the year 2013 Don't tickle my feet What's wrong with you? In the year 2000 Ew, he just smelled

Ew I had to make sure He touched it in his socks And then smelled his fingers What's wrong with you, Derek? I had to make sure I seen a picture of her feet before So I got to make sure

So you know it's under the socks And you still touched them? Woo, you brave Because she's so cute Thank you That's a fetish. You probably like that. You probably like dusty feet.

I don't suck toes. David Sean does suck toes. I'm sorry. Can we plug out his name? Can we plug out his name when we play this back? Dave sucks toes. Wait, how do you know

that your friend sucks toes? Because the girl, he was sucking her toes at times. She was like, Dave sucks my toes. I was like, ooh. She's sitting? He's gross.

She's a comedian? He look like he dates everybody. She's not a... She's not? She's kind of a... She's not funny. Oh, does she do voiceover work? Sitting the whole time.

I know everything. I'm Miss Benita. I know everything. Well, you think you know everything. You thought I was dating what's-her-face. I mean, she thought you was dating her, too. That's hilarious. How do you end things with a lady?

As a country dude who's also a preacher's son, how do you shut a young lady down without her killing you? Thanks for bringing it back, Marie. I don't know. You gotta try to be... Okay, pretend we've been dating, or i thought we were staying oh girl don't in his dreams but i've been giving you rides and stuff

uh and you've been with you never uh now i i want i'm like derek we need to commit or whatever what what is this how how do you turn me down how do you shut me down um hey babe uh i wanted to know you wanted to meet my friends this weekend um i'll send you a nice sweet text message um this is what i'm kidding no all right so what kind of situation was it was like a mutual we both think we're in a relationship no you think that you just giving me good dick and i'm like it's mediocre dick but also like i feel like i feel like it was twin bed dick girl better than no dick right yeah oh so i'm like okay okay i'm like um so how would you feel like you're like catching feelings and i'm not trying to do it you would say that that's the word you're like

i'm catching feelings don't she's a human being she should catch feelings i ain't got no feelings luckily but marie when we started bumping uglies no we just fuck buddies no we didn't agree you would never yeah and you and i said she would never say that i'm like look um you're a comedian yeah but i thought i could change you that's the problem you can't change a lot of women yeah you are he said 38 he really 50 that's what that is they can like change a lot of women think that they go into relationships or they go into situations with people that they're not even really attracted to, they're just like,

oh, I can change the way he dress or I can change the way he talk. I can fix him. That's different. That's different. The way he dress

and like, that's totally like a style thing you can change that. Well, who a person is. Yeah, but a lot of women think that they can fix y'all.

And if a man comes in and saying, I don't want to have, I want to be in a relationship with you, good luck changing that shit. If he says it off the bat, if he's honest enough

to say it off the bat, good luck. Dudes have said that to me and then they've changed their mind. Change, change, change. Sidney Sidney put it on there

Jesus is real Derek when you be breaking up with girls That think that y'all are in a relationship You don't be scared for your life Women are crazy You're only 180 pounds soaking wet I only fear God first of all Jesus is real

And like I only had that problem one time Okay talk to us And I've only been in like one real relationship So who was this queen that you dimmed she dumped me um yes i met her in college i met in college oh she thought i was gonna be a business professional man and then once comedy started being the goal this was decades ago this don't even count that's the last one i've had sexual relationships with several if you're gonna approach a chick in new york right as the person that you are from north

carolina but you've been here for how long now four years okay so that's it just four yeah so you've been here for four years right how do you approach somebody that you're interested in on the streets first of all i don't like approaching women on the streets at all because you know she's gonna laugh more times not women are people on the street are like going somewhere in a hurry people everyone's in a hurry in the city so most of the women i meet and talk to are like in bars usually around comedy situations usually derrick usually drinking actually i am very good with drunk people. Derek, I remember we were on a show together at

Eastville and then we went to the bar and there was this chick and yo, you boobies. You got your dick sucked in a cab that night? Oh, he boobies smooth. First of all, she was buying you drinks. Were? Yeah.

You guys were drinking and you were drinking the hard stuff. Brown liquor. I do that brown liquor more times. Yeah. But that's usually how I meet women in the city and it's like not She was all over you. She was all over you. Sidney, what did she look like?

Oh, man. She looked so Aeropostale type, American Eagle, straight middle of the ball. She worked for Marc Jacobs. She worked for Marc Jacobs?

In the back? Back house. Oh, Sidney. She was lifting boxes. You were face shaming her right there. No, she was just lifting boxes. I didn't say she. She lift boxes. I didn't say she was a model.

Oh, my God. Sidney sounds jealous. No. Sidney, you wanted to suck. There's only room in my heart for you, Sidney. Sidney, you wanted to suck his dick in a cab? Marie, don't even say that out loud. That's not.

Marie, that's so rude. I'm so disappointed in you for saying that. Jesus is true. Y'all ain't got no sense. We really don't. Yo, Derek, did we learn anything? I feel like That was so funny though

That night She was like Yeah I saw what you was doing I saw it The next day We was at She knows Mike Yes

She was like I saw it I saw it And I was like You didn't even have the best set That's rude She should have sucked my dick I did have the best set

I don't know what you're talking about I blew that motherfucker up I can't remember what I did But No you were good You were good Do women approach you Do people approach you

After shows To like Buy you drinks Or to talk to you Yeah She happens a lot man Like the drinks It's crazy

like they're like oh you're so funny people don't buy me drinks after shows marie what are you talking about people just people don't buy me drinks after marie you're fucking like just the other day a man gave you 20 25 he was like go in there and take care of whatever you want he got me a club soda and you whatever you you got your rose i knew you were lying marie yeah but i don't mean they don't really count he looked like somebody's dad he was like well what do you what do you girls want to drink and gave marie the money and i was surprised that she came back because I thought she was going to take the money and leave. Listen, he gave me the cash and he was like,

if it's not enough, come back. I was like, I was going to come back anyway. I was surprised that you came back. I thought you took it and you were like, okay, I'm out. Bye, guys. Jesus, that's surreal. This shit happens a lot more here than New York. It's crazy. In North Carolina, people are really... Because North Carolina

know you. They're like, we know who Derrick is. They're like, is that Pastor Thompson? We're like, oh, Pastor Thompson in here? Insane boy, I frequent. Let me get out of here. Let me hide my face.

We'll pass the time. Jesus is real. Marie, I really feel like we just brought Derek in just to talk to him. That's it. I feel like you're. Well, Derek, tell us something that you didn't know. I love you ladies. You ladies are the best.

I will do this every day. I'm sure you do. You got the time. You are free. You are available. Derek, where do you work? I do Postmates deliveries, which is very lucrative. So your bike is outside waiting?

I don't ride a bike. I walk. That'll kill you on a bike I'm in fear for your safety Riding a bike These niggas are crazy out here on these streets Maybe Brooklyn's probably cool No, no, no, they're all crazy

But I take the bike lane I'm all on that bike lane I rarely I'm on the street Don't give a fuck about that bike lane Don't, I'll be bringing They don't give a fuck about that bell they feel like they don't hear it they act like what are you doing it's like a moth

in their ear what the fuck about the traffic lights let me just pull over right in this bike lane right here yo and i hit the i hit the car sometimes i'm like you're in a fucking bike lane they'd be stepping on the gas i would run you over and you'd be like i'll sue you and they're like no you'll be dead Cindy you ready to die I do Well yeah maybe we can just bring Derek in here to talk to him What do you want people listening

We got a lot of listeners All over the world We got people in Australia We got people in London Everywhere So people listening right now What do you want them to know about you I want them to know Jesus is real

Jesus is real For the people who don't believe in God What else you got going on Don't believe me just watch And I just want to spread laughter throughout the world, man. What's the goal, though? Like, what's your end goal with comedy? You want to be an actor?

You want to be, like, on SNL? You want to do characters? Acting's fun. I would love to do some acting. I don't know. Like, the goal, I like to set goals as high as possible. And I think the best anyone can do, as far as being a comedian, is, like, just to be that guy for a moment in time,

or as long as you can. So if I can be, like, considered, like, one of the best doing it, I don't even care. it could be like six months or that would be a great accomplishment you don't even want

that Kevin Hart longevity you just want like a I would love that Kevin Hart longevity like some Dane Cook fame like be on some legendary status but like I just want to

maximize my potential I guess alright so how do you want to maximize this potential if I could have one classic like movie one classic special

I could die happy man you just want a one hit wonder type situation you want to be like J. Quan everybody in the club getting tipsy

Ah, that was, you consider that a classic? I mean, no, that was a one-hit wonder. No, not a one-hit wonder. That was a one-hit. One, here comes the one, to the two, to the three. I'm like, okay, you can count. Good for you. He had another one.

We don't know it. No, he didn't have another one. We don't know the other song. So, okay, so that's the goal. That's what you're trying to do. I just want to be the man. You going to stay in New York for as long as possible or until your money run out? Until it's time to go to L.A. is the goal.

Until it's time to go to LA Sydney you hear that LA Well that's our That's our goal Go to LA I'm going to LA I don't want to move to LA

You don't want to move I would want to be Bicostal Bicostal So you wait So you would only Winters in LA And then

Okay so you Would you have a place there Or you would just like Airbnb The time you were there And come back Well cause I would only be there For like six months out the year

So I feel like I would have to I'd have to like They might reel you in With that ganja culture girl I was in LA for two years And they did not reel me in But I wasn't really

Smoking weed that much But now I smoke it I think more So But you can smoke weed Anywhere LA's the gang Like a good goal

Because like Once you get that TV You get some TV Or like a movie You can do your stand up Anywhere Which would be lovely That's all they care about

Out there I would love to be on the road Doing stand up Four nights a week You want to be on the road Yeah That's where the money is And that's where you can actually

You want to be on the road too That's where you actually Get good I would want a situation Where my fans would be there and i just pop in and i'm like oh look at all these people look at this sold out yeah that's what i want i swear to you like especially because that's where you get your hour tight it's like um like here in the city even like the bigger names more times than not they're doing

like what 15 minutes at the most i don't know i always run the light so i'll be doing like a cool 19 i'd be like what did y'all like me marie don't care about that light i go up there and they're like we want you to do 10 minutes and then i get off and i'm like did i do 25 minutes so rude you should have lit me i'm like i just feel like no you were doing so great you were killing we just couldn't and then someone gives me 25 to get a glass of rose and then boom that's my whole life um okay derrick i learned a little did i learn anything i feel like i learned absolutely nothing but i laughed so hard like i love everything about you derrick every time i watch you on stage i am dying like you are so funny you're so yourself am i your favorite dusty

nigga honestly i feel like you're top of your top of the line if if i was i will not be dusty i feel like if there was like a good dusty dude out there you would be one of them. You're that. That's going to be my first special. Dusty no more. Dusty no more. Dust be gone. Shoe dust don't bother me. Shoe dust don't bother me.

My face on a bottle of pledge. Dust be gone. That's beautiful. I think that's a great goal right there. You're Mr. Clean, but like the black dusty version. You're like the guy on Charlie Brown.

Oh, the dirty one. your pig pen and jordan's actually that's an adidas all right so that's beautiful well okay so let people know who are listening here's a question what is something about being somebody from the country that like you think most people listening don't know yeah country niggas actually read y'all oh well i believe that some people think we slow because we speak slower it takes us a little time to get out our thought but no you're just thinking you're like and it's low in the south people in the city like the city life sucks all your patience out if you let it but in the country right everything is slower nobody's in a rush everybody's like okay i'll get there when i

get there like everybody in the country knows everybody in the country interstate the interstate is when people are... Yeah, I'll be doing a 45 miles an hour. Well, because there's nobody on the road. So they're like, I might as well

zoom this shit. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Especially somewhere like deep country, like where I grew up. Yes, pretty slow. One stop light town. Somebody's getting

beat up upstairs. It's an old lady with a walker up there. She might have fell. Yeah, but she got an assistant. She got an aide. She had one of them

button things. Knife alert. What is that button thing? Derek, you want to You go out there and save my upstairs neighbor. Let me find out that's your side gig. You working in retirement homes and shit. That'd be some good cash.

I want to be one of these people to push one of these rich old people around in wheelchairs. I bet that's a good gig. I feel like your arms are too long to push a wheelchair. I used to do that. I used to work at the airport pushing people in wheelchairs. You would be the one? I used to skycap, yeah. If I saw you were the person that was going to push me, I'd be like, can I have somebody else?

Shake my head. I'd be like, no. I'd be like, is Petey Pablo here? Not if I drop that I need a tip charm on you I'm like hey how you doing old lady you looking good Wait How do you get a tip You don't say old lady you looking good

Of course not I like him I hit them with the young lady always So wait would you get tips Yeah oh this old lady tipped me like A hundred dollars one time How All I was doing was talking to her

And listening to her complain about her kids. She was like, can you bleed these motherfuckers? Try to put me in a old folks' home? That's the only reason they invited me down here. I was like, oh, that's messed up. You still get around pretty good, don't you? You don't need to go in the old folks' home. Meanwhile, you were pushing her.

Yeah, meanwhile she was too old to walk in there. You were like, nah, you're doing good. You don't need to be in a home. That lady probably slipped and fell in the tub next. Of the confidence you gave her. You gave her some confidence and she was like, I don't even

Leave my chair Let me go on And moonwalk in this shower She broke a whole head Yo yesterday Speaking of moonwalking In the shower I was listening to

Back that ass up Like it came on While I was in the shower And you know You And I'm like And I Tried to back my ass up

In the shower And legit almost Bust my ass Why would you want to I cannot dance in the shower I won't No Not when my body's wet

No thank you I can't Not when your body's wet Gross Let's hear more about your body Shut up, Derek Derek, tell the people listening Where they can catch you

What you got coming up Talk about your shows Punchline's comedy show Is at the Standing Room Every second Tuesday I don't even know when it was Oh, the last two shows Were sold out

I was so happy Sold out, beautiful Yeah, it was the Standing Room At the Standing Room In Long Island City Yeah, so that's my baby You can come to that And I'm starting a podcast

I would love to have you ladies on it What's the podcast gonna be about? Whatever It's just random happiness Just gonna talk Random happiness? Yeah, I don't like That's beautiful

I don't like the I don't know I don't like to box people in Random happiness That's what it's gonna be called Random happiness? No, it's gonna be called New podcast

Who this? New podcast Who this? Very brand On brand of you I like that So we're gonna do that We're just gonna launch

Me and Alex Pache We're gonna launch I wanna do it next week I think it's gonna be next week You got time You can do it on iTunes Yeah But we already got a few episodes recorded, so it's just a matter of getting the artwork right.

Look at y'all. Oh, the artwork. Oh, you got artwork? We don't even have artwork. Sis, when we get no artwork together. Why don't y'all just take some fancy pictures, y'all? We're pretty. We don't need artwork.

Okay. We don't need to be animated. You see my face? Artwork. Okay. Y'all don't need to be animated. Y'all are always animated. I don't need nobody to draw my face and maybe get all squiggly line on my fucking nose.

No, thank you. Derek, what's your social media? uh instagram and twitter it's d dot t dot d d o t t d o t d dot facebook that sounds like a lot dude were you high when you created that no it's no i'm just creative my name is a dt and i spelled a dot out baby come on get on get on my frequency okay so uh you can find me on instagram at reesey R-E-E-E-Z-Y and The Unofficial Expert on Facebook at The Unofficial

Expert or on Instagram at Unofficial Expert. And Sydney is Justed B-W-J-U-S-T S-Y-D B-W. I'm on Twitter Justed NYC. Make sure you follow and comment and

slide in our DMs, please. We love comments. We love meeting people outside. Catch us outside. Make sure you say hello. Be like I know you guys For the podcast We love you Yeah make sure you

Check out Comedy Hive For all your comedy news Absolutely Y'all got a new spot For y'all show right We do I think I seen that I seen that on one of the medias

Yeah yeah yeah yeah I want to take us away With some music I have the peanuts theme And I have the Back that ass up I was gonna throw I was gonna throw

Something on too What song were you thinking What song were you thinking Jaquan Oh Well Derek Let's do Let's do a little mashup

I'm gonna play A tiny bit of peanuts Okay You're going to play Jaquan, and then we're going to leave on Back That Ass. Okay. Ready? Derek, this is you because you're the dirty friend on Peanuts. I am not.

I'm clean. I shower daily, okay? I can see you bopping to this. Now, Sidney, go ahead and add Jaquan. Drinking is very bad. Yo, I got a fake ID, though. Yo. We can be V-Tainers.

People are going to unsubscribe from this shit Wait hold on hold on Let me just play the beginning and back that ass up So we can all imagine me busting my ass Oh you know what it's playing on my Alexa One moment please Look at you got electronics in your house Yeah

Sit it Ha ha Jesus as well Bye guys thank you so much Bye We're dancing, you can smoke and buy your bag Got a question, got money, y'all can fancy