MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Daddy's Little Girl Expert" with Remy Kassimir

Episode Date: October 6, 2017

Sydnee and Marie talk with comedian Remy Kassimir on the life of being a daddy's little girl.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello! Hello! Welcome to the Unofficial Podcast with Sydney and Marie. Hello Marie, what's going on? Um, it's fall, dude. Like, fall is here. Fucking turtleneck season in. Midriff season out. Or midriff under a leather jacket is in. Possibly. Or, or you can do a sleeveless turtleneck. That's my jam, actually. i'm not here i love a sleeveless turtleneck 17 yes bitch first of all american apparel like what's the staple if you want a sleeveless turtleneck i was not a big american apparel fan i was like i'm not spending 80 on some spandex bodysuit vest legging thing i just i couldn't

get into that i made friends with somebody on the american apparel on 23rd street and he would give me the 20 discount so that's still not enough sid is what i'm trying to say 20 of 100 is just 20 hair well i wouldn't spend i'm still spending 80 on a pair of silver leggings but they're like silver leggings where are you getting silver leggings where am i wearing silver leggings sydney you bought a pair of gold leggings and you never even wore them i wore them once to work sweated them things out and i was like marie you want them they were so small they were an extra extra small. There's no way that those pants fit over your ass. I wanted somebody to see my coochie lips. I wanted them to see my anus. Your anus? Ew, that's gross. And that's the

word of the day, guys. Anus. Marie, were you an expert this week? Listen, I was an expert at being a bomb ass friend this week. Yeah. Okay. I came through when I needed to come through. I picked up when my phone rang i was just a good you know because i'm one of these people that like i look at my phone and be like you're definitely one of those people do i have time to deal with this problem i know you'd be silencing all the group chats you'd be muting conversations you'd be like yo i'll get to that later all of the group chats i'm in are on do not disturb i almost muted you and uh amina the other day because y'all were back and forth too much too much that's fine you can you can mute me lol sis lol lol it's too many memes it's a lot happening so what happened this

week is i um last week or a couple weeks ago i was i noticed that a bunch of people were using jade rollers those little like jade stone things that you it looks like a razor for your face but it just rolls the wrinkles away i guess and uh i was like oh you know a lot of white women are using this uh ancient chinese skin regiment so i uh i was like i'm not gonna spend real money on this i went on ebay i got them for like two dollars wow and i was like i'm gonna get one for my friend sydney elizabeth washington because she gonna see me using it and think it's weird no but if we both have one then uh we can both be weird together thank you for being a friend thank you for being the friend what's the other part to it i don't i've never seen the show i'm

singing the version of the guy on instagram thank you that was so kind of you and i needed that because you know obvious weird reasons going on in my life but yeah it's like a cold spoon for your entire face so you put it in the freezer and then you roll it on your face and then i don't know i think in your mind you feel like you look younger but in actuality you still look 86 or whatever and that's why you spent two dollars but yeah ebay is uh my best friend so i was like let me be a friend to somebody else through this gift of ebay and it's from china so it's probably toxic i really appreciate it i know it's it's gonna help me in those uh really bad days those dark nights those rainy days

you don't know is there any other thing that you're a good friend uh yes i bumped into my friend yesterday on the street it was raining i had my umbrella blocking my face out because i didn't want anybody poor to speak to me i was in williamsburg a lot of man buns that were like excuse me and i was like nope don't know where that is and uh this i bumped into a friend of mine and he was like hey he's like i'm gonna run to the store to get some ginger to make a green juice whatever that is and uh he was like come to the house and then they were like what are you doing for dinner and i was like staying with you guys which i got and they were like we have steak we could put some steaks on the grill what yes bitch you got wait you got me this damn roller

but you didn't call me for the fucking steak you were too far you were too far away definitely much too far i was in the city yeah exactly and i was in williamsburg so uh which is not that far actually i was an expert at like just accidentally being there for steak and then i missed my show um but i did have steak well who needs a show when you got steak i mean honestly there wasn't gonna be no steak at the show did they uh butterfly filet i don't know what that means like they sliced the steak in half like the long way like diagonal slice i don't know i'm not sure if i know i heard it at a steakhouse so butterfly filet it or whatever so now i'm like we had like some sauteed kale and then we had some corn wow you're living your best williamsburg life

very jealous and then i had then he was making gin cocktails i don't even like gin but i was like i feel like gin pairs well with a free steak yeah it frees it pairs well with anything free sydney what the hell were you an expert in this week uh i was an expert in attracting dusty ass negroids should i say that people don't know that that's a real skill it oh listen as soon as they see me they're like and yesterday i was having literally the worst day like break break down like i was so it was mariah carey with um bone thugs and harmy saying one more time yeah and then how does the bone thugs part go yes that is how it goes

yeah so i was having a really bad day and i was in the street and so i was like making sure that my face didn't look approachable i i looked so angry and i i'm usually like very upbeat and happy but my face was stone cold and this guy comes up sunglasses on no i didn't because i had my um i had my wednesday wig on and it was really big and you couldn't really ah it was i had bangs your wednesday wig has been okay got it got it got it so he comes up to me and he's like oh my goodness you look just like my wife and i'm like come on dude you look really serious it's fucking it's like misty i don't have time for this like please stop and he's like no no i seriously you look like my wife um well actually she passed like

11 months ago it's like oh fuck let me let me get this man some time he's going through it he's like 11 months ago he's had time to grieve okay wait a minute 11 months is a long time that's almost a year wait hold on so you're saying if i died today 11 months later you would be hand in hand with another bff like what's 11 months from now 11 months from now you would do that marie next august you would post other pictures with another person 11 months later 11 months is plenty of 11 months, Marie? Sydney, I was told... All the things we've been through, you would just...

11 months is enough for you? Hold on, hold on. I would still post like TBTs with you, but I would have to move on with my friendships. You know what I mean? Who am I going to get these J-rollers for when they're gone? My sister. Marie, would you start another podcast? 11 months?

I would probably just keep this podcast. It'd still be called The Individual Expert. Sydney! I mean, I got this equipment already. fucking shutting that did you hear that listeners were shutting if i die y'all better not listen y'all better shut this shit down you better boy if i died okay you would not move on in 11 months how long do you need to grieve isn't it like half the time that you were together or some stuff i would be like singing every day like break break down i still don't know that song wait i'm gonna

to play it for you you're gonna get it at the end uh anyway so in the 11 months is more than he said 11 months but maybe it was one of those days where he's just thinking about his wife so he said i look just like her and i was like fuck this is a dead woman's wig did you ask for receipts no did you ask him what his wife's instagram i didn't because i was just like why would he lie he was lying why would he lie he wanted some pussy no from a black woman who vaguely looked like another black woman that he knew at first i was like sir this is not even my hair so if she had this hair and this it definitely wasn't hers either so he's talking to me just i was like i'm having like a crazy day and he's like i feel like this the energy was like meant for us no to like

chat and so we were talking and i was smiling i was like you know what i feel better because i'm actually lending a hand to this guy in need what did he look like let's break down his face his shoes his clothes what did he look like first of all he had a windbreaker on okay so i'm here for a windbreaker go ahead no no it was like it was like a rangers type windbreaker it was like a sports remember it was so it wasn't like a like a retro one no it was not cool it was like oh i just moved to new york i went to a sports game and bought the windbreaker ah okay but it was white he was black what he was black he was tall no he was like short tall he was like 5'8 short tall yeah that's short tall like that's taller than me but still short okay was he fat was he

slim um i feel like he was medium he was a medium size sounds very forgettable his teeth were clean they were together with the teeth very yellow okay see 11 months is more than enough time he was like you ever brushed your teeth since 11 months ago his wife faked her death she faked her death because his teeth were yellow and he was short fat skinny she's like if you don't get rid of that damn windbreaker i'm gonna die and she died so anyway he says all this stuff and i was like all right it's been like three minutes i gotta freaking go because i have somewhere to go so he's like i really would love to take you to dinner and he's like i feel like god is giving me a second chance oh my god so you're saying you are replacing your old wife with me this sounds

like why would i still feel like i why would i want to be second to a dead bitch like no lifetime movie he'd want you to sleep in the same exact spot that the wife slept and i bet you he didn't fold up none of them clothes so he's probably got a whole closet full of her shit like why don't you just try this reminds me of the episode of the simpsons where flanders wife dies and uh he didn't make he didn't change the sheets after she died so like the imprint of her body was still in the mattress and everything dude you were talking to flanders black flanders i said yo i would never i don't want your morning dick i'm all set and you sat there and spoke to his morning face yeah i did well because i felt bad you want to talk to somebody who's no sydney no i would not i'm busy

i'm wearing headphones for a reason sir oh i had headphones on he stopped me while i had the fucking headphones on like i couldn't hear what he was saying but whatever it was anyway at the end of the day you felt better talking to him well i was like see this is why you can't fucking be nice in new york city because he was using his dead wife to get ass he's never been married dudes don't do that shit don't do it is wrong you're going to hell yeah it's that say your dead mother speaking of dead mothers uh no that's not that's not this is a great transition today is a ghost no our expert here today is a dear dear friend i mean funny funny comedian uh we've done our show tons of times uh she also has a podcast coming out but we'll tell you about

that later but she is our free loading expert give it up for remy casimir casimir casimir say it again one more time remy casimir boom give it up for remy casimir first name remy last name casimir yeah i'm so excited yes and also i don't even feel like i'm the freeloading expert on this one it's marie you used your entire friendship expertise to freeload thank you so much it's really skilled well i mean listen i've never paid for a steak i don't know how much steak costs sometimes it's you know mp it's market price but i feel like every time i've had steak it's been like an accident yeah i don't think i've ever bought it's been like a casual thing where like people are like oh yeah steak and then i'll just happen

to be there just bought steak last friday so damn you bought steak friday yourself though yeah i bought it i went to dinner with uh adrian oh well she bought it cindy's also a freeloading i forgot my card i forgot i pulled the alex english we went to a a diner we went to a diner the other day and a bunch of comics were eating and uh the check came and this other comedian was like he just started he just got a new job and everything so he was like i got it and we were like oh so we all passed our checks to him so and then he was like i don't have my card and we were like come on oh that sucks but yeah but we were like you're still gonna pay you're not paying i was like i don't know how you're gonna manage to pay yeah but your

card but you figure it out venmo is a beautiful thing no no no you can't venmo the restaurant though so you like but you venmo your friends you have some person we waited for him to get his card yeah we sure did we were like nothing like just go back to the venue that we were at before and we'll no takesie backsies you must pay hurry up and buy remy tell us a little bit about you because you don't think you're a freeloader but just tell us like where you're from now that i've thought about it like as i was coming here i was like i guess this is yeah i mean do you have any income well i do i do surprisingly yeah i work in real estate girl i didn't know you had a job girl get out of here i do it maybe like once a month bitch get out of here you gotta go that's

not enough client a month no i don't pay rent though because i live with my grandmother that's okay there go you good freeloading right there good freeloading also she's fucking amazing like it's not like boring like you've seen videos of my grandmother you have to come over and meet you got a cool grandma yeah she's so cool she's a mobile so she like she needs to be like put in a wheelchair and like she can't walk very much so like she has help and shit so how fun is that come into my room that's not very funny listen she can't come into my room so i can because there's a little there's a step up but i can always come into her room where does your grandma i live 56th and 1st girl that is prime area right now i got money what's so funny is like with

comics they're like wow that's so amazing you live in like like upper east or whatever midtown or whatever yeah the people i grew up with are like ew you live in midtown like that's horrendous wait why because we grew up upper east and like they know what they know what their real wealth is they're fancy as fuck so wait midtown is not midtown's not fancy no sydney midtown even i know that i'm not for me to a broke bitch i'm like midtown is like mansions over there right like that's the city yeah it's like industrial not industrial but like uh it's like those like people fashion it's like those like uh those weird stores where they like make dresses and you're like do people buy these yeah oh you know they'd be in the window yeah so good those like beaded

indian gowns yeah i love them i'm always like can i get away with wearing this to a wedding no nobody else is gonna have the same thing the answer is absolutely um but yeah no sutton place where she lives is actually known as like that's where the old jews go to to die essentially and like what at once a day i get asked by somebody in the elevator like do you you live here and i'm like yeah i do how do you live why they're like you look great what are you like 92 wait so does I just started lying up about my age. I'm like, I'm 45. I just look really good.

Does the building smell like old people? Yeah, quite. And weed. Because a lot of them have like glaucoma and me. But yeah, no, I wasn't even like, like I smoke, but I wasn't the first one. My grandmother told me. She was like, no, there's a girl on my floor who smokes. She's got glaucoma.

Does your grandma smoke weed? No, but she had lung cancer twice. So we're trying to get her to do some edibles. Wow. What is going on? She had lung cancer twice, but she didn't. doesn't smoke she uh smoked cigarettes ah she was probably a chain smoker too chain smoker yeah she got one of these sexy voices like this or no she talks like very small it's so cute she's so

you gotta see her cute you have to see how much she has like little warby parkers or like chanel she always has different sunglasses everything she gets is on qvc or like so even if it like seems like a high-end brand i hope she's she's never gonna listen even if it seems like a high brand it's like not it's like judith lieber for qbc or whatever so like they're not diamonds so your grandma is supes frugal yeah she's thrifty so how long she lived in her apartment uh for like fifth how old am i i'm 27 so she moved in when i was like 11 oh so like her rent should be pretty cheap right well she's kind of a freeloader too oh so it's like generational section eight she my dad bought her apartment for her so that she wouldn't have to keep paying rent

and all this stuff who is your dad remy talk about mr he's a wonderful man uh can you call him right now is he like one of those guys that picks up whenever you call he picks up for black girls he would pick up if he's not too busy at work he'd pick up what's your dad's name his name is joel Joel. Okay, so what does Joel do? Joel is a dermatologist. Okay, honestly, this is so crazy because I was just dealing with something yesterday. Yeah.

Is there like friends and family, meaning friends and family free? That's a free motor right there. If he likes you enough, yes. So what, I got to do a tight five for him? You got to do a tight five. Actually, that would be so fun. If you put him on your show, he'll do anything for you. Really?

Yeah. He thinks he's so funny and he's been begging to do one of my shows. I'm like, I honestly like can't make anything more about you. We should get a skin expert or something. Yeah. We should get him on the live show maybe to talk to us a little bit. Oh, I feel like we can really pull this off, Marie. Okay.

Yeah. Tell him to bring some, what are those? Those jizz masks. Yeah. Jizz masks. We need eye cream. Presenta mask. Presenta mask.

I need retinol. Tell him all that shit. Cindy, you don't need any of that. You got a jade roller that I spent two whole dollars on. i literally i look at people who have had work all day every day and you guys have better skin than all of them thank you so much i drink a lot of water also you know i'm too poor to lay out at the beach so there you go thank you so much yeah there's no beach so so your dad bought your grandmother her apartment what is your dad buying for you that's what i want to know what has he

bought for you so i'm like i you're like a socialite you really are with me you are always traveling you're always going somewhere you always got like these pictures on instagram like what What does she do? Also, Remi, is that your real nose? No, double fake. Okay, so my nose is probably the most expensive thing I've ever asked of my parents. How much that cost? I don't know, but I know that surgery...

Girl. I would venture $30,000. $30,000 for the nose? I don't know. I don't know what things cost. The nose is more than boobs. I really don't know what things... Well, yeah, what do boobs cost?

Mine is $10,000, but you know I did a payment plan. I did them twice. You know, it don't cost that much. Maybe it's too much for a nose, though. I don't know. I just... like assume numbers but i'm not good at numbers because i've never had to do you see remy you said that you're not a freeloader but you don't know how much anything costs because you don't

pay for stuff exactly that's what like i don't know how much things cost because i don't want to disappoint myself the second that you guys brought it to my attention i was like holy shit but i've always thought i was like the good one because like my siblings spent like what are they spending money like my oldest brother he would just travel all the time okay so i looked it up on google i only go when it's like somebody's wedding or like i have to but he's traveling on his parents time oh yeah and he has no problem with it and then he don't even do real estate once a month he just don't do no work no hey guys i looked it up it said the total cost of rhinoplasty usually averages between five thousand and ten thousand dollars yes but that might be the

price now you know surgeries are like less expensive now because they're more common but don't you think with deflation it would have probably well when did you get your nose done when i was 17 the first 17 that was as long as i could wait that it was as long as i hated that you didn't even have your real nose let me see a picture of your old nose i can't like i see your race is deleted from life i'm very proud it's delete delete delete oh that's not that big of a difference let me see your uh high school prom photo oh you got it done before probably i got it oh you wanted them prom pictures lit okay you got that platinum package you like this nose is gonna be on 68 wallet size photos so everybody can see my new nose i'm gonna have a corsage on

my news she didn't even wear a dress i didn't wear a dress she just put glitter on her nose and some little stickers pointing to it okay you can show us after that's fine after it's gonna take like 10 years ago like it might maybe it was more expensive because i think i feel like surgery is so common now maybe so maybe it was like me like maybe it was like 12 to 15 too it was just more under wraps like i had a lot of friends who are i was one of the first one who got it done and i would lie about it for like a really long time i i my ex who i only dated like four years ago didn't know i had a nose job he didn't know no yeah but when you're 17 your face hasn't you don't have your like real face yet i know i wonder what it would look like now sometimes

no but it's mad cute though it looks good you definitely have a great profile i still can't breathe so you still you didn't get the septum fixed i'd get it fixed again and you can't even do cocaine oh no she's like no but i'm like man you can still do cocaine no sometimes i think about it i'm like no you can't you just it's crooked i'm like maybe i'll just do it up the very small side no boo that shit out even that is an investment you don't want to fuck up your like septum with cocaine remy does rub the coke on your gums yes that gets you high just make out with somebody who's dripping already yeah that or i heard of bum butts uh bum bumps so you can put coke in your butt and you get high like that i'm sorry

just one moment please it's a cocaine in your butt yeah bum bumps yeah yeah sounds like you doing cocaine with no with homeless dudes no homeless dudes can't do cocaine cocaine is expensive crack is for poor people yes they make some friends you don't know who these people's got friends also people socialize drop their cook bags all the time all the time i can't I once saw a crackhead in Union Square, or what I thought was a crackhead, because she was walking like a crackhead, drop a bag of drugs. And I went up, obviously, and looked at it. And I was like, ooh, what did the crackhead drop?

And it was weed. And then I was like, oh, I'll take this. And then I was like, no, Remy, don't take weed. Yeah, you can't take weed from a crackhead. What's wrong with you? It was probably dipped in embalming fluid. Yeah. Did you smoke the weed?

I brought it home. And then my friend, after I told him the story, threw it out. He was like, are you kidding? What's wrong with you? OK, so wait. literally i'll just take anything i did some street weed once and i thought i was gonna die the entire time oh scary i'm glad i didn't do it because i'm i'm judging y'all but every time you're in a club and somebody's like hey you want to party i'm like yeah i don't know who this person

is hey you want to party sure i love your tie let's go listen the one time one time somebody asked me at a club in vegas if i wanted to party and i was like yeah you know i'm at the party and they're like no do you want to party and i was like i just i didn't get it like i didn't know that they were asking me to go get a dress. Do you want to party? Like, party doesn't even sound like a cool thing to do. Bitch, we're already here. Like, what do you mean party?

Do you want to... Did you ever see that movie Neighbors 2 when it's like a sorority one? I didn't even see the first one. Oh. Well, they keep saying like their whole purpose in life is like they're just like, we're a sorority, but we want to party.

And I'm like, you could not have a more lame cause or make me want to kill you. Yeah. So wait, Remy, you live with your grandmother. where did you live before you lived with your grandmother i had you've been to my old apartment we did that apartment was cute it was very nice so what happened it was near union square i moved to union square because i had just started my real estate job and i was actually really good like in the beginning i was working like a lot i did like six deals in my first 90 days like wow

yeah i was doing like good stuff and i was like i'm gonna make a ton of money um and in the beginning i did and then i started doing stand-up more and i was just like girl i don't need to do this if i can just live in somebody else's house and like not spend so much wait hold on you were like i don't need to have a real job if i just stay at somebody else's place so i hold on let me fix the sentence for you i don't need to have a real job if i can just freeload at someone else's true true yeah i see how you threw that word in there okay thank you thank you so you want to freeload so you can pursue comedy yeah well i guess it's not that bad yeah because then it's like then it's like they're not there's no reason that they have to pay my rent in this like that

place was ridiculous how much it goes that place was 2,800 and it was a fucking studio Are you for a studio I mean it was really cute though It was cute but not for $2,800 And I don't need a doorman but like My dad if he's like gonna help me pay for an apartment Wants me to have a doorman Why does he want you to have a doorman

Because he thinks it's safer and I'm gonna get murdered Because she's a young white woman First of all them security guards don't even be paying no mind They be letting everybody in I feel like all they do is judge you and be like Oh Remy's back at 5 in the morning again They be falling asleep They have their Spotify on

they don't care the only thing that's good about them is when a guy does follow you home and you're like you must go now and then they can't really muscle their way into your apartment that's true if you can even make it to the door girl you can yeah i watched loan order svu i know what be happening uh so you cut yourself off because you were like i can't say i cut myself i'm still on the payroll yeah yeah yeah yeah i just made it lower do you have an allowance yeah what send me remy what's your father's number so i can get on the girl we're gonna have him on the show honestly i think i want to have your dad come on and talk about like skin and surgery yes girl i'm there and then maybe we'll find a woman who has had botox and we'll

have her like sit next to him on the couch oh or or when an arch does he have like facials and stuff maybe we could go get a facial at his spot facials he does he literally does mostly botox and he does like um melanoma like spot like like if you get cancer like if one oh we ain't got that yeah oh we ain't got that we ain't got that anything can he do for us that we would want should we get some botox no marie i want you to be able to talk and then your forehead not move at all that's it uh everyone listening we're gonna do a meet-up our first ever meet-up is gonna be at joel casimir's yes and uh i'm gonna get botox and then when i come out we'll look at my forehead yo i just want it like near my mouth i want it in my mouth you don't even let me get

botox because he's like you don't need it yet and you're 27 yeah but my skin is way more wrinkly than yours he hit me with the you don't need it yet yeah yeah your dad is ruthless oh you know what he did do though he so i got the kylie jenner lip kits and like you know how you're supposed to overline your lips make them a little bigger or whatever so i was doing that and i thought it look nice and he's like i notice you're overlining your lips do you want me to just give you some extra lips oh so wait he does lips he does collagen you don't need no damn he does collagen i feel like yo i'm about to go there i'm about to roll up on uh joel hey joel dr k so he said he was he offered you lips and you said no i said no i'm proud of you remy thank you you don't need that

you're you're beautiful the way you are thank you but i mean let me your dad's number i thought about it but no i think he would love you guys and you should definitely meet him we're gonna do an episode a show a live show where it's all people's dads because we had um that would be hilarious we've had a bunch of people here whose dads like we feel like we would really vibe with oh my god claire parker was here and her dad what's his name is it jeff or something he stay he follows me on twitter so he like tries to buy people drinks after the show he comes to the show wait because you did her first show yes hot girls will be there i remember that he was there and like but like loved you yeah i was like funny get out of here jess okay so remy what's some of the things

that you've uh like you refuse to pay for let's go let's get into that so you refuse to pay rent okay yeah are you paying for like do you pay for dinner on dates yes where remy i do really well Remy, what kind of man are you dating right now? Because I feel like y'all be splitsies. We are splitsies a lot. He'll take me to dinner when he can. When he can. Bitch, is that once a month?

Remy, you are a kept woman. You should not be. Yeah, I mean, technically. Like, it's not like you're, like, working to pay rent and, like, keep the lights on like a poor person. Okay. So you dating a dude who also is a freeloader? Yes.

I think that's why we get along. I'm not. I don't want to be with somebody like me. you gotta be it's actually yeah sometimes it's really nice that we're the same and sometimes it's like but are y'all the same though because your boyfriend does not give me socialite vibes at all but your boyfriend gives me eight mile vibes uh-huh skater board vibes tony hopper skater vibe yeah i think socialite is more of like a way of mind than like i know because here's my thing so my dad would have loved me to grow up to be a socialite he's like i put you in all these

places you went to fancy schools you can wear nice clothes i don't know whatever i you nobody can see me but i'm wearing all like pajama men's clothing because you knew where you were coming i don't really i'm going to that black girl's house yeah i don't put myself together that much like i'm not who like the socialite hello making appearances yes but what kind of sweater is this where's the sweater from this is a calvin klein sweater from my boyfriend that he got for free from his job wait these are pants that he got for free from his yo your boyfriend you really are your boyfriend should be here y'all both are two freeloaders in a pod it's crazy it's like a little ponzi scheme i love it i think it's hot uh i freaking like it but also i follow you on instagram

i see when you put a look together for a wedding i try a gala or wherever the hell you're going i feel like you don't you'll throw on like a silk slip dress or something remy you travel a lot who is paying for these trips and weddings that you go to joel sydney you gotta get you a dad that can do both i don't even know who my dad is one of the funniest things that sydney ever said to me and i said this to somebody the other day she was like look how pretty i am imagine what i'd look like if i had a dad oh my god that's a fact you're fucking perfect marie has a dad look at her i have a dad she's glowing pay none of my bills he'll call me and be like the the bank sent a letter uh come pick it up i actually think that it would be more helpful i mean i say this as

somebody who's not been cut off but i do think that it might be more helpful to me if i were because then like there would be more of a fire under my ass no but i see you i see you out here you're you're working you you do comedy almost every night but i understand what you mean because yes working is one thing but like if you had i had to you have to make it in like you know what i mean like this is if i had to be a waitress like you do and wait on fucking assholes or whatever i would seriously i already weigh in my mind every day like is comedy worth it that would like like you know it's fucking worth it because you're busting your ass well let me tell you i am unemployed right now i let those jobs go yes i did it for a long time those jobs let you go

city was laid off shut up bitch i was laid off one job i let go of the other one i left you yeah exactly yeah that's the only one that matters that is prestigious yeah you're right yeah you're right she did sit him is like i was worldwide i don't need you guys but also know that job set me up because when i was making a lot of money i was frivolous i didn't even care i was like oh i made 800 last night fuck it i'm i'm gonna ball out we're gonna go i don't know to a restaurant and buy steak like that's the thing that i was doing so

it depends on like how much money you're making will make you work harder because if you're just getting whatever you want oh yeah you're definitely like i don't have to go to that show just like that show just made 800 dollars last night listen i didn't even get paid last night i got steak and was like i don't need to go to my show is this kale is this organic yeah i got the text message i was like marie ain't making it to that show she went anyway i went after the steak was uh done after you digested it last night that all the shows were like i got there and there was nobody there i was like i guess they canceled it i missed the whole thing yeah it doesn't matter the steak was a better move i had a much better

time so wait you you would get invited to these weddings how do you how do you participate you gotta have money to go to wedding no no no here let's let's back up you get invited to these weddings how do you say to your dad i need money to go x yes x country and you need outfit and shoes ready go uh so outfit and shoes is a separate thing that's what we go to mommy for um bitch you got a mom and a dad oh my god i can't you are just too much for me get off the couch mom too ramona if i called ramona be like hey need some shoes for a wedding she'd be like so here's my mom's thing is she's always been like the opposite that she's like go get a job do everything so i was working a lot of summers when i was younger oh she's dead to me that

mother's dead to me who was she what's her name robin whatever robin robin and joel but they have completely different views joel thinks if you got a job then like you're poor like you should go out i love joel can we hang out i just want to freaking go out with joel if you're listening to the podcast right now and you have a job you're poor that's our new line but like can that be our new tag like you don't need to be working at 14 whatever like that's ridiculous my mom was like no you're gonna work you're gonna be a nanny you're gonna be a desk girl you're gonna be a camp counselor all this shit so i worked oh i did like a lot of job jobs under because of robin and robin also she is a school nurse ah okay so robin

is out of the house also yes meanwhile you guys are like traveling to australia on joel's dime well robin just started her job like five years ago after she stopped rearing children officially oh so you said five years is not enough she's oh she just got in she's brand new come on she's 60 years old she wasn't working the majority of her life is what i'm saying but robin got a lot of nerve yeah why she want to work now but she wanted you guys to be busy she wanted you guys to be well-rounded she wanted us to be well-rounded people so like if i got something from ikea or whatever most of the girls in college would like have somebody build it robin would be like get on your hands and knees and fucking build that desk and so i would build it

for like eight hours so robin i like putting together furniture me too now it's i find it for me i don't know so if i come to robin and i ask for a dress or whatever she'll be like split it with me or like split robin what yeah but bye go to her and i'm depressed which is something i suffer from clinically girl me too but i can't afford it you gotta get the pills from robin's house yeah and then she'll be like well where are you going and why are you depressed and you also dress like a homeless person i don't want my daughter looking like a homeless person let's go to sex take care of this outfit for you yes oh you i wish i could say to my mom i was depressed my mom would be like depressed what that's how she talks and she's really loud and

she'd be like uh take a nap drink some water yeah go out and do something i don't know if it's i mean it's definitely not that good for me because that's just what i revert to every time i need something it can't last forever i mean i mean you're 27 you got until 30 then when you 30 hit yo you're gonna lose everything you're gonna lose your friends your family's gonna be like exile you like yo you're a bum oh my dad's getting really concerned already he's like you need to find someone well that's why you need to bring our black asses around and joel be like look at you found some nice brown girls in your life,

you're going to be destined for success. No, what's going to happen is Robin's going to be like, oh, this is who you brought to the house? And Joel's going to be like, if you have black friends, you're poor. Yes, Lord. Because I'm going to be putting stuff in my purse, and Joel's going to be

like, somebody took all the soap from the bathroom. And I'm going to be like, in the pantry, like, y'all going to eat this bread? Y'all going to eat this? this challah you're gonna this challah bread y'all want this

yeah challah bread that's not how you say that Sydney challah it's challah bread yeah challah it's so good

okay now it sounds like Islam I know I'm gonna be glad challah la la la la la bread yo can you invite us

to the house though she's definitely not inviting us she's not inviting you Sydney no we're yo we're about to go I'm gonna be a

Sydney Washington Casamilla yeah you're gonna be I'll throw a gown on I will throw yo I'll throw nothing on i'll come in in my birthday suit like hey fam with arrows drawn all over my face just to be like this is where i feel like this is where i get it fill it up fill her up no he would

honestly just be like you're so beautiful um you don't need anything okay we'll we'll see that when we get there to the office i think that you guys would be great friends to be fair wait can we can we talk about this how you ask your father for money for this wedding i'll be i'll be your dad i'm going to a wedding in tuscany you went to so many weddings this summer that i was like who are these friends one of them was a family wedding like we all went it's like my childhood friend who we've been like family friends with for a while my sister my parents we all went it this was the most spectacular wedding i've ever seen probably will ever go to like where was it famous people sardinia i don't even know where i didn't either it's a little island off of italy like you

have to fly through milan to get there please it was nuts and it was famous people there there was like the guy who like plays piano for adele on tour was there um someone like you yeah the girl who sang like hillary's um campaign song was there i don't know who that is yeah uh you'll this is my fight song take back my life song she was like you definitely know my song make fun of But no. I thought that was Katy Perry. It's not. But yeah.

So what was the food at this wedding? Oh, my God. Everything. You would die. Literally everything. Yes, yes, yes. But what was like the dinner? What was dinner?

Dinner. The main course. So there was three different nights. The wedding was three nights? Yo, I don't have three outfits. Why do you think you're going to have people come to an island that you have to fly through Milan to and then not have them stay for a few days, right? Remy, what did you wear to this wedding?

what what does show us your looks because we definitely going to post it on the gram we're going to post your looks for these weddings and shout out we're going to tag joel we're going to tag joel i was thinking about making joel on instagram just so i could tag him and remy you're not our freeloading expert you're our daddy's little girl expert you really are daddy's little girl let's redo the intro right right now our guest today is a comedian who performs all over the city she got uh she's got a great dad and an awesome show in the city and a podcast that we'll talk about in a little bit uh her she's our daddy's little girl expert it's remi casamira i love my dad yeah see i feel like that feels better to me yeah i mean you still are a freeloader

but yeah is your dad at work right now yeah can you just call i just want to hear what he sounds like can you get him on the phone can you be like hey dad i'm on a podcast and they just want to hear your voice is that okay they've never heard you into like the office though because this is how i call the office okay hold on go ahead and call put it on speaker hi it's remy can i talk to him for a second sure hold on thank you sure hold on he's listening to some nice oldies today is that the hold music yeah Put it on the headphone I hope he picks up

Or she'll come back He'll call you back in a minute That's the hold music? Yo, I want a secretary so bad Just to pick up the phone for me Cindy, you ought to get a damn job I know Oh my god

You want a secretary You ought to get Welcome to Sidney Washington's office Dr. Washington's How are you? Hello Hello daddy you are live on the air right now i'm doing a podcast and i am the podcast is called

the unofficial expert and i'm their daddy's little girl expert so say hello hello everyone hey joel oh my gosh i can't wait to meet you this is sydney and marie joel we've heard so much about you thank you sydney's sydney with a y sydney with two e's it's two e's but i'll I'll throw that Y on there for you, Joel. Didn't even do it. I got it. Joel, can you tell us what the latest trend in facial work is right now? Well, there's a lot of things.

There's not just one. There are new fillers that replace all of the collagen and fat that you lose when you age. Oh, that's what I need. bigger and better fillers there are things that stimulate the cells in your skin called fibroblasts to produce more collagen and to produce more elastin

so your face doesn't sag down to your knees my knees? they're both black I was going to say Joel I'm a black woman we are black women but Joel I'd like to come through and test some stuff out do you have testers over there?

I told them that you won't even let me get Botox and their skin is more perfect than mine no there's a time for botox you didn't need it yet yet that's what i said there's a time yes you didn't need it yet you know everybody's had it my mother gets it my wife gets it my uh my brother gets it your brother my two sisters get it do you do everybody's botox of course yeah they all get it joel are you interested in adopting two black women we Who would like to be in the family? Late 20s.

Venus and Serena? Yeah. It's just Serena and Serena. It's two Venus babies. I look forward to meeting them and to see what imperfections they have, but I'm sure they're perfect. I love you, Joel. You're amazing.

Thank you so much, Joel. It was so nice talking to you. Love you, Didi. Bye-bye. Did you see that listeners We were live with someone's dad Whose podcast does that We're the only podcast

Nobody That was so good Remy Thank you so much I feel like I'm in the family right now Can we go to dinner with your dad Obviously he's paying How often does your dad come into the city He lives in the city

Where Upper east right right right right right oh my god remi i feel like we're in the family right now like this i'm blown away i wanna i wanna come over i wanna go eat pork chop or what lamb chop with that green jelly with you guys yes can we do that and have asparagus asparagus with like olive oil and do like pink himalayan sea salt in my mind that sounds fancy but it's probably not you guys eat much more fancy than i ever Well, Rumi, what's a normal day in the life?

Like, what are you eating for, like, lunch? Chips. Taco Bell. Taco Bell. Big chips. Literally yesterday I had, and this is my boyfriend's doing. Granola that you found in your bag. No, yeah, I'm disgusting.

I'm like a trash monster. My boyfriend bought spicy Doritos and queso, and so I was eating that, and then I fell asleep for a little napski, woke myself up with a fart, like i need to change my way yo remy that's ridiculous what kind of life are you living like the most sloth and late person it's so bad so if and when you have kids uh maybe with this guy maybe not what do you or did you already have a kid

no my question is how how are you gonna raise your kids I don't know Are you gonna be like Rabin You're gonna be like Joel I think First of all You gotta drop your man

If you ever wanna have a Joel So Well okay That's true Here's the thing Is like Is it potential Could it be possible

That I could be the Joel In my life I see it I see it Remy you're very talented If I do well enough in comedy And like produce enough shit Like there's people

That make money And then I could have like Little Not saying that Ben's wifey But like he does Cook and clean for us and ben be cleaning oh my god yeah i feel like he cleans with a dirty dish rag i feel like his sponge it looks great i feel like the water's not hot yeah at all very lukewarm i

feel like ben just blows on things to clean yeah he just blows the crumbs away and he's like oh that looks clean yeah no he i'm i'm that way i feel like uh ben has like generic uh cvs dishwashing soap i don't know if he's like cleaning with the good stuff i feel like ben washes his dishes with the same soap he washes his balls yes no see we use hand washing soap that we use in the in the shower because somebody else brought like and one of his roommates bought body soap so that's still everybody in the film in the apartment is using the same it's like yeah y'all gotta do better i can't i don't even want to go over there i'll use my my um colored hair shampoo and conditioner and i'm like i know i didn't use all this and you guys don't and it's

expensive too it's not cheap yeah it's a little cheap everything where they live is is really cheap that's what did you about it what's your uh it's pantene baby you your father is joel why are you using pantene step up from suave natural who cares i feel like i i don't have that high of a standard of living and i just need to like have enough you know i mean i feel like as soon as you turn like 30 i'm gonna need a lot more you're just no your mind is just gonna shift i'm gonna pray that it shifts next year that's what i want i want you to do better the only one who thinks that i'm doing fine no i think you're doing fine but you should be doing more than fine you're right for a 27 year old white woman you're doing terrible you're doing you're real bad remy

girl you in danger i know as much as joel loves me he always reminds me he's like you're gonna be 30 soon i'm like oh i love your dad oh man this makes me want to have a dad so bad oh my i'm gonna call my dad yes you're gonna call him no i'm not he'd pick up he'd be like oh my god oh speaking of dads oh my goodness what is some ways that people living in new york can save money like what are your uh ways that you like save money in the city eat doritos for lunch food yeah no eat doritos for lunch uh live in someone else's house uh don't necessarily like i feel like we already know that people do yeah i don't know i don't think i'm like do you meal prep do you

like i also meal prep to eat chips and cheese yeah like breakfast sometimes is like a dollar if you go to Dunkin' Donuts and eat one donut. Wow, Remy. You know? I want to do a prayer circle for you right now, girl. We're putting you

on the prayer list for church. I'm going to Hillsong on Sunday. I'm going to pay for transportation, but I do have to pay for gas. Your brother drives you around? No, he just has a car. That you use? Yeah.

What kind of car is it? It's like an old Passat, like 2002. Passat? Joel's kids are driving around in a Passat? Doesn't it sound like a Casimir car?

No, it's a... you have to meet robin like we also like our it's like a very old we had a really really old volvo they weren't willing to give away until like there was literal rats living in it my parents are also bit hoarders okay so are you saying the upper east side apartment is looking crazy over there yeah my mom always says it looks like we started renovating and then ran out of money just because we can't wait a minute it's not finished it's a work in progress no there's one your apartment is a work in progress i can't how many rooms y'all got though uh it's a classic six which means you have six rooms in new york city not bedrooms but yes oh okay i got mad gas

i got mad gas i was like six bedrooms no so six rooms okay so a master bedroom a master a regular bedroom a den a den i knew you had a den i knew she had a den dining room a foyer and a kitchen oh you got a foyer too you have a living room and a dining room and a den that sound like people could sleep in those rooms oh they did under the table when sandy happened we had people living in the den and in the living room that was crazy my grandparents before they got their apartment here one lived in the maid's room yes that's the thing but nobody there's no maid ever i like used to live in the maid's room but that's what the setup is and then my grandpa how many square feet is this building i just wanted like your apartment do you know i don't

know it sounds like three thousand square feet it sounds like a lot that's the thing i'm not great with real estate is i can't like remy you're i see you do real estate once a month and you don't know how to do i'm good at it okay i swear i swear i like i made 30k last year from working once a month real estate yeah Sid, do you hear that? Remy, are you also dating this apartment? Are they trickle-off clients from Joel who have a lot of spend? Ah, look at dad just coming in, saving lives.

Little girl, did I do a good job? Also, yes. Okay, so here's my next question for you. If somebody's listening to this right now and they're like, well, how can I strengthen my relationship with my dad so I could be on the Remy level? uh what would you say like do you talk to your dad often i talk to him way more than i would she just called him on the podcast so absolutely she calls him during business hours jewish parents

are very in your life especially when you're nearing 30 and unmarried like they really they really talk to me a lot because they want to be like what are you doing you're crazy um but i'm like all your friends think it's chic you're a socialite that's what it is no i wish i was a social i mean you think you're not no no you're like i'm not invited to like the parties that i should be do you know what i mean like my sister's the one doing that shit all right my dad's always been like why do you have like the poorest friends possible and i've just maybe that's like that's me but okay but when you're on your instagram earth person on your instagram remy is like you're living yes like you're like marie would say thriving like you can you you perfectly

plays photos of things that you're doing I guess and it looks like you're living the life that you're at the party you're in Sardinia or Sardines or whatever it's called and the cons or canes or whatever it's called I will post things that were not necessarily

today not necessarily this year oh yeah you definitely gotta hold it off I'm saying like I curate that shit like the other day I wrote a joke on Facebook about like how the difference between your tagged photos and the photos you post equals how much of a psycho you are and the difference between mine all of my tag photos are like show posters and grunge and blah

blah blah and then like my instagram looks like all white and pastels and yeah i'm looking i'm looking for your instagram right now i'm fake you're not too fake only your nose is fake come on yeah and it's not even fake anymore you've had it for you know many years so it's it's yours forever now it's the way that like somebody becomes a new yorker after 10 years like remy i'm looking at these photos and it looks like you are just living your best life yes i feel like That's you and your sister. Here you are with a man wearing a leather jacket draped on his shoulders at Grey Gardens. Let's see where Grey Gardens is.

That's in Manhattan. Oh, see, but that picture's from three years ago. Here you are pushing your grandma. Yo, I cannot. Remy, you're so disrespectful. Remy, what is your Instagram name for people who are listening just so they can look at this while we're at it? They need to follow you.

R-E-M-Y-K-A-S-S-I-M-I-R. Beautiful. Now, before we go, I just want to, Sidney, how do we want to wrap this up? What's your plans? Like, what are you going to do to move out of this daddy's little girl's freeloading lifestyle? So, my mom and I have been discussing cutting me off. But they didn't cut your brother off. Yeah, but they cut us.

We don't talk to him anymore. No, you have another brother. Are you the baby? No, I'm the third. There's my sister. But Charlotte works and stuff. Her name is Charlotte, you see? That's a good daddy's little girl.

I like that name, Charlotte. Like in Sex and the City. Yeah. Yeah. No, but before you even get cut off, what are your plans? So they don't cut you off. You got to move before they move. My plan, okay, so.

Just like that. Exactly. You know, you saw that right. So I told my mom, I was like, my plan is like to keep grinding at this stand-up thing. No, that's not what you say up top. Okay. What? What?

What was that? Okay, so my plan is I'm going to get fucking famous and like really quick, okay? You sound like Paris Hilton. No. Tell me what's real tangible goals. This is real tangible things. And I'm going to use sex like Paris Hilton too, except for not in a raunchy way, in a way that's going to help people.

My new podcast called How Come, and I think it's going to be really successful. and I hope it will bring me success as your podcast has and then get booked all across the country and then show them how famous I am and then just like get better at stand-up and maybe get a Netflix special and maybe like produce us. Oh, they handed them things out.

So you definitely, you can definitely get you one of those. So your goal. The thing is, is once they believe, see, Joel's a lot about like pomp and circumstance and like what things appear on the outside. so like if it looks like it's going well cool thing he'll believe that it's cool and the fact that other people believe it like in sardinia all these people at the wedding thought i was cool as fuck for doing stand-up and they're i mean you are well but but then they need to go to a dusty

bar show and they're like oh you're supporting somebody who's doing that awful like yeah dropping them off in some of the neighborhoods we have to go to like so your goal is to because you want to do successful in stand-up so you want to do stand-up like all the way through like you don't want to act well i want to yeah i think you should act uh remy i've done some stuff with you and i feel like you're real and you're good at directing and you're good writer thank you i've seen you in action girl you got some uh i was gonna say eggs in the bucket but i don't think that's a saying but it could be thank you so much you know it means yeah you found some eggs in the bucket after easter and like it's yes right yeah and just don't let those

eggs rot okay so before we go let's let our listeners know where they can catch you how often your show is chat a little bit about when your podcast is gonna be out like talk to them so you can catch all of my shows uh follow the our famous friends instagram because we have a brunch show at the stand on sundays we also have a free show on tuesdays at three of cups and then a monthly show at the standing room called gossip girls but all the information's on the instagram all the time and it's our favorite our famous friend and you always have famous people my famous friends like sydney and marie thank you guys are one of the first people on my show because we're i felt so blessed uh i literally remember when i poached you as my famous friends

it was the best you guys are so famous please do my show your aunt came like how's she doing she's great she's great she's still rich yeah and she got botox okay she's got botox from joel uh and then the how come podcast how like how do i do this and come cum podcast is on instagram and i told you guys that we're just recording a bunch of episodes before we post but we do a live stream of those episodes so if people are impatient and you want to like write in and like ask us questions like remy you really don't come yes that's what the podcast is about how you've never come i've never come yeah and then you find other people who haven't come either or no people who like mostly do and like they're like first time stories and like the first time stories are so

different for every single person it's like crazy yeah yeah i'm i have to talk to you guys i just got a flashback on my phone you know at least all right i need to save it you need some water and you need some water marie i think you need a little splash or swig yeah just a little splash i have so many questions so how come h-u-w-c-u-m is the name of the podcast and it's gonna be launching when uh probably in late october beautiful okay beautiful great i'm sure we'll be on that on that thing podcast on instagram yeah you should do it uh next week or the week after okay remy one more time say your instagram uh remy casimir r-e-m-y-k-a-s-s-i-m-i-r freaking love remy this was great i can't wait to meet joel i'm should i look at my calendar now

my birthday is saturday and he asked me if i want to do anything so like maybe we should all yeah also happy birthday happy birthday as always you can catch us on unofficial expert that's the ig page and then on facebook also the unofficial expert yes we got a facebook yes we see the we're on the up and up yeah yeah we're like almost famous yeah totally every side with joel thank and then my instagram is reesey r-e-e-e-z-y and mine's is just sid b-w-j-u-s-t-s-y-d-b-e-w so make sure you like comment subscribe rate follow remy follow us if you see us on the street come say hello say hello oh people shout out to isabel who i saw the other day she was at a show uh we met somebody at uh afro afro punk came to me we've been meeting people so please

What was that black dude's name? I was like, I didn't even know black dudes listened to this podcast. Oh, Marcus, I think. I think his name was Marcus. That's racist. Yeah. I mean, we just, I mean, honestly, I thought it was just black people who listened. And then a bunch of white women have been approaching us.

So I'm like, well, I guess that's who's listening. Oh, my God. And then a black dude came up and I was like, you? You? It was great. Please, hug us, kiss us, and shout out to Comedy Hype. You can get all your comedy news from them. Thank you.

Bye, guys. Bye. We'll be right back.