MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - The Dick Days Are Over w/ Sophie Duker

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

This week Syd and Marie are joined by one of their favorite comedians from across the pond -- Sophie Duker! The three talk dating app MESS, NYC nightlife MESS, and more!  Don’t forget to write in your messy stories at [e-mail], or call in at [phone] to have your MESSages read live on air! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're listening to mess welcome welcome welcome you know i i got here and i forgot that like i live in new york and it's so freaking cold yes i really forgot how it gets but now it's like more windy than usual and i'm just gonna start really aggressive up top my mess was last night i was like i'm gonna go to the store i'm gonna get a little snack i'm saying i had you know my jacket that wasn't really made for the wind that was happening last night. Right. So I go get, you know, some snacks,

a juice that's in a glass. Oh, the juice from... Yep, from my little, you know, mini-mark. Mess from a few months ago? Mm-hmm. I did not get the spicy pineapple juice. I did something else. I had, like, a Yura Mate or whatever

and strawberry hibiscus or whatnot. Oh, okay. I walk outside. I see the garbage can moving again. Oh, I see when people, if you listen to the beginning of the season, I was talking about this trash can that was following me. That was chasing you. So I saw it and I said, oh, you know what? I'm just going to, I'm just going to wait.

I'm going to go around it so I don't get hit by it again. So I go down the block and all of a sudden the corner that I'm turning, the wind hits me, knocks my bags out of my fucking hand again. Glass bottle broken. Yeah. So it messed up my box of cereal, which is a snack for me, the milk, and some popcorn. So, yeah. What kind of cereal was it? Guess.

What kind of cereal? Cinnamon Rolls Crunch. No, no. Sometimes I just go with the classics. Honey Nut Cheerios? I'm not. Do you have Cocoa Puffs? I don't know what you have there.

Cocoa Puffs? I'm not doing chocolate and milk. No, I don't want that. You said a classic. Girl, I feel like when I think of you, I think Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Frosted Flakes. That's a classic. That's a kid's dream right there.

I had to grow up on just regular cornflakes with Splenda. Disgusting. So when I elevated to like, oh, I can do what I want, I got Frosted Flakes as a treat. So yeah, I got hit with the wind, broke the glass everywhere. I'm sorry. The wind hit you and you were like, oh. Yes. You dropped the bags or you fell and landed on the bags?

Honestly, I think the wind robbed me by gun wind point and said, give me all your shit and then knocked it out of my hand. Gun wind point, wind gun point. Wind gun point. It happened to me. It could happen to you. I don't have a good core and that's fine. Sis, we got to get you in some Pilates because the wind shouldn't be robbing you like this.

It was that. I'm talking about the... maybe the the secret here is you got to stop buying glass bottles of juice yeah i've learned that i'm done i'm i was assaulted yeah believe women show me on these glasses where the wind assaulted you times up all over all over so yeah i survived i'm a survivor so i'm glad to be here Did you go back and get replenished the snacks? I did not. I said, that was the universe telling me, you don't need none of this.

You don't need no Yerba Mate or whatnot. I don't know what Yerba Mate is, but it sounds like it got a lot of probiotics in it. It's a tea. It's energy. Natural energy. Natural energy. Yeah. And obviously, I didn't drink it because I went right to sleep.

The wind said, get some rest. Get some rest. Get some rest. That's what it's meant to be. Um, Marie, do you have any mess for me? Of course, I got some mess for you. So my mess is, um, this weekend I learned that lying is good. Oh, okay.

I mean, I think we knew that a little bit, but for me, it really, it really rang true this weekend. So on Friday, my siblings and I decided we were going to go out and get some drinks. Uh, my sister was like, yeah, let's meet at nine. And then I was like, let's do 930, right? The DJ comes on at 10. We'll get some drinks. We should be there before, like, the seats all get taken. You know, I had shows.

She had the gym. My sister was like, I'm running late, closer to 10. I said, okay. So I'm taking my time. My brother messages us. He's usually pretty slow, right? He was like, at 10.55. He's like, I'm here.

There's a line. me and my sister just got in our ubers our separate ubers trying to get to back into the city so um he's like hey the the doorman said they're not letting people in without reservations do you guys have a reservation of course we don't we were trying to be there at 9 9 30 we got there at 11 o'clock right so when my brother told me they wouldn't let him in without a reservation i was like well let me see who's djing tonight and i'm just gonna say i'm on the djs list smart nice nice nice yeah right yeah yeah research EVA I get there I said I'm on Ava's list sorry Eva's list

it was like okay right this way I said my brother and sister are also coming the bouncer is already done talking to me I step inside the host at the host stand recognizes me from my social media hey girl you should have told me you were coming I would have made a reservation for you i don't know this person's name so i'm like next time he like bet take my number down so that when you come you can just text me yes so i gave him my number i'm like my brother's outside i grab him my sister's coming we we go inside the bouncer was like when you go in go straight to the dj booth of course i didn't do that i don't know that lady i don't know her Ava, Ava, Ava, Ava, Ava, Ava DuVernay.

I don't know her. Ava, Ava actually is a cool DJ name. Yeah. She might need to change it up. She should change it up. How's it? I'm going to tell her, you know, we friends now. Yeah.

So my sister shows up. The host is like, I found a table for you guys. You guys can sit right here. Girl sat. They waited on his hand and foot. Nothing was comped. But we had such a good night. And at the end of the night, the DJ came and sat next to the at the table that was next to us because her people were there.

So when the bouncer came to tell us to leave, you know, because the night was over, it looked like I was, in fact, friends with the DJ because she was talking to my group. Look at that. Look at that. Was it even a lie? Was it? It was it was manifestation. Exactly. I'm making it true.

I have a ticket. But also it was too cold to be waiting outside. I said, I'm on the DJ's list. We cannot be waiting on lines. we're too we're too cute for that i don't believe in line yeah i feel like queuing is my culture being british but i i can't do it anymore it feels like i sometimes i get to a line it's so long and i'm like i feel my feet carrying me to the front yep but i don't know what i'm gonna say when i get there i'm just like it's not possible nobody knows what they're gonna say when they get

up there but you get up there and you say the first thing that pops into your head moving yeah just listen if you look like you're supposed to be somewhere people treat you like you're supposed to be there it's true or if you just look good which you do and you have an accent thank you hello hello sir hello is this the discotheque what's her name abel or or you google who the owner is oh i've never done this richie akiva yeah i'm always trying to connect too much with the person on the door but i should be trying to connect with the person with the power yeah i'm always like hi i'm cute 50 50 50 50 yeah it could go either way yeah i've got i've gotten online or stroll to the front of a line and

been like are you gonna make me and my cute friend wait online and sometimes the bouncer would be like yeah yeah i remember back in the day i went up to phoebe's phoebe's bar and me and my friend were blackout drunk and we're like let us in we're skinny and we have titties i mean she has titties And he was like, no. Oh, he actually was like, you will not be getting in tonight. We're skinny and pretty. We're skinny. Well, I feel like for me, when I'm by myself, it's usually easier to get in and skip a line because I'll say something like that.

Like they'll be like, we're at capacity. We're not letting anybody else in. And I'll be like, but I'm small. Like I'm not even going to take up that much space. And sometimes the bouncer will be like, you're right. Come on. But other times they'd be like, everybody out here is skinny. And it's like, now, you know, you lying.

Oh, my God. This is America. This is America. Yeah. So that was I mean, we can all learn something from Marie. Just just make it work. Manifest. Listen, the last time I was or one of the last times that I was in London, we went to the I went to the Soho house and it was packed.

It was like carnival weekend. they weren't letting anybody else in my homegirl was upstairs and I was like I'm not I'm not waiting out here there's no way I'm waiting out here I see this guy stroll to the front with like an entourage he's like I'm DJing tonight they're like come on in so him

and like six people passed me I had a split second to be like I could stand here or I could be part of this group and I jumped right on the back of that train and I walked right so again I'm with the DJ you're with the DJ you're like Eva wait up

Eva Ava with your accent is so clutch I actually I'm going to become a DJ Eva Ava Eva Ava Eva Ava I love it

the ones and twos I don't know what that means that's you know what the ones and twos the ones and twos the bicky bicky bicky is that the beat the ones

is the thing and the other one is the twos yeah the one you do the pancakes that's the pancakes the pancakes one pancake do

okay the ones and twos yes you know obviously i don't know how to you know how dj works but we do know how the podcast works and sophie duker is in the building from the uk from london london and back which um which part of london oh north north of the river north of the river yeah south you've met people from south london they've got a lot of lore lore they've got a lot of yeah they've got a lot about them but i feel like north london yeah tottenham come on now break down london to us yes please for the people

who don't know i mean marie basically lives there but i'm i need i need to know how it is west london west is posh west is posh yeah posh it was it used to be like carnivals there there are black people there there's a place called shepherd's bush uh one of the fun place names that we have in the UK but they try and posh it up they call it Shea Boo

Shea Boo Shea Boo that's what I call my thing down there Shea Boo you want some of my Shea Boo Shea Boo

also a good a good DJ name yeah Shea Boo Shea Boo I like that Shea Boo on the ones and twos

North London is it's got posh bits it's got a lot of dead writers a lot of big parks but then there's some bits which you

really don't want to be off to sunset oh yeah it's got a and then you've got North East London which is where I am right in between

because East London is like Shoreditch Dalston Bow it's very like Williamsburg yeah you're Hackney where's Manchester

Manchester it's not in London it's not in London but it is this is the second city I guess what it's a different city

what you thought Manchester was in London yes I did oh what yeah me laughing at you too that's like

being like the borough of Washington DC oh yeah it's far away it's not close no yikes hey

you gotta take a train if you if you got like like Northern Pride basically everyone in London doesn't care about anything outside of London and that makes sense

it's like New York City it's like New York City it's like yeah it's the same way yeah we're like Jersey yeah

Staten Island these to me are places in New York no they're no New Jersey is not in New York okay

but people from Jersey will sometimes be like I live in the city and you'd be like where and they'd be like Jersey and we'd be like

no Girl, there's a bridge and you got to take a path. You can't even use the same metro card. Yes. You got to tap a different card. They got different taxes over there.

So, that as well. Different governor. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. Thank you for breaking this down. From one city to another. Are you enjoying New York?

I am. Yeah. I think that... Pause. What was the pause? I am. Hey, I'm enjoying myself now when I get home

when i look at my bank account i'll be like you know the secret is don't look if you cross international waters whatever you spend there don't count yeah it's vacation this is the thing here i i'm like it's monopoly money yeah it's like i don't i'm like it's not real it's a simulation and because we get to see new york and like so many like sitcoms programs like i'm just i'm like oh like i'm in the computer game i'm in the right way so like when i'm here i'm like i'm not holding my life with the same seriousness this is consideration yeah it's the sims but it's uh yeah there are real life consequences which my mess ties into but we'll get to that what did you want to talk to us about

tell us what your mess is Sophie my mess is so so recent I hey when I'm in the UK I'm very discreet I'm very demure i keep myself to myself in brooklyn you got your knees out on a winter day i got my knees i'm like who's look who's looking at no pants no short short coat yes in november yeah so i was saying to sydney earlier i am i'm a bisexual lady but i think it's like sapphic rising i think i'm

primarily for the ladies for the ladies oh yeah okay i'm like i'll suck a dick if it's spontaneous but i'm not a dick if it's spontaneous me pulling my hair isn't sucking a dick typically spontaneous i'm planning for that nobody walks outside like i think i'm gonna put it on my to-do list you know what that's not true i take it back there are people who leave their houses okay so i'm not i'm not a regular regular sucker i don't think i can say that you could say that i'm not a regular sucker but i feel like if you've got a if you've got a peen in your life are you like scheduling the scheduling mary's mary mary people are like oh

i'm gonna i'm gonna leverage that hey let me pencil your penis in for thursday yeah they're like his birthday is coming up i guess i gotta do a little second this weekend i gotta pick up the groceries and then i gotta i gotta trade her joes and then i gotta suck a yeah then i gotta trade it it's like does it feel whimsical am i does it spark joy yeah usually don't so i was like okay i'm in new york i've done my show it's gone great i'm feeling great i'm like oh that men exist and i feel like the men in new york are generally dressed better which is something that gets in the way dress better than the men in london yeah that's so funny you said that

you don't feel the same I think sometimes it's the opposite sometimes her eye is really with the Brits right now yeah yeah sorry

okay I feel I feel like Brits I feel like they like a good structured coat a structured coat yeah you gotta have a coat they like a navy

or a black coat and a dangly earring actually I saw a lot of those a little ring a little a little cross and a hard bottom

they'll have a hard bottom shoe on for sure yeah like a loafer yep Anyway, anyway, New York are dressed better than they're dressed different. Variety is the spice of life. I was at a party.

I think this was two days ago. There was a man. I was like, hi, I'm Sophie. So we shook hands and he said, hi, messed up. You shook hands. Why? No. Why did you introduce?

Do you? Hi. Sorry. I'm not speaking. If they speak to me. Sure. I'm not going out of my way. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I shouldn't divulge my personal information. But as a full blown lesbian, And Sidney is not the person you should be talking to. You're like, don't tell men anything. She's like, come to me.

Take my notes, honey. Yeah. I was in the, it was like a thing where everyone was like, say hi, hi, hi. There were lots of comics there, which is normally very disgusting to me. I hate it. Bunch of comedians and you shaking hands?

I was trying to be formal. I shake hands with this guy. He shakes hands. He tells me his name. His name is Redacted. Redacted. shaking my hand texas then let us know who this guy is um yeah okay i will i will let you know redacted and then i'm like okay we've been shaking hands for about like 60 seconds like it's been a

full minute of shaking hands so i'm just like okay he's not letting he's not letting go of my hand so we're just having like a cute hand shaking moment okay and um i'm like okay all right after like i've like established that this is a thing it's not just like a glitch in the matrix i'm like okay i understand that there's a vibe here i'm gonna go off and then i was like oh maybe I'm gonna suck a dick you said that while you were shaking his hand

no I said it in my head it was like maybe it's today Sophie now I have to come over oh yeah

feel the shake does it feel like you see you see there was a spark there was a spark it's full of joy but that's why

you're a lesbian to be fair Sydney did shuffle her feet across the room Sydney was like let me work up some she worked that energy up so i was like hey maybe it's today last time i was in new york i was like i'm dating i'm gonna

like see what's out there what was out there was bad i went on a date with a dancer they were doing a lot of this um it was a male dancer it was a non-binary dancer okay oh um they were they were a nightmare i like i think if you're dancing with someone either you're dancing sexy or you're being like fun and in the moment but they were doing kind of like full yeah like You're crumping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're crumping the way your brother dances. You went on a date with my brother.

Your non-binary dancer brother. My brother is fully on his you got served. Girl, that place we went on Friday that I know the DJ. Yeah. He was doing full. But I feel like there's a skill element there. Not flips, but like almost a flip. Oh, my God.

Your brother sounds fun. He is. He is. fun but like if i'm just trying to enjoy a nice french 75 and look cool he's not the person i want to go with you know champagne yeah yeah crumpet no pair with champagne okay so so yeah so i was like okay maybe i was like what's the intel on this like on this guy and uh one of the other people that was like he's bi which i love i love i love a buy for buy like oh that's cute b for b b for b um this this is actually maybe an unsubstantiated rumor so i don't want to out

uh handshake man okay but i was like okay i'm into this so i'm just like okay i'm gonna ignore you now i'm gonna like go around i'm gonna be like i'm dancing i'm being cute i'm in a social butterfly i'm dancing to beyonce this is fun and then it's sort of like people are filtering out and i'm like okay i am on holiday i'm a brave confident sexy woman i'm gonna go over and I'm going to say something. Okay. And I say, because I'm adorable.

Yeah. Drum roll, please. Let me lean in. I think I was like picking up my bag of a drink and I was like, oh, I feel like you're going to rate this so low.

Come on, tell us. I was like, oh, I wish, I know I said it's a shame I didn't get to hold your hand for longer. Oh, Sophie. Wow. You're so disappointed.

I am. I'm not mad at you. You can say that to me as to a woman. That feels like something that's like, feminine okay i don't i don't want to hold a man's hand longer ew well i should have been like i'm saying if i was a guy and i wanted something to make my thing jump holding my hand is i'm like

oh okay are we on the school bus right i was like the land of the beatles wait hold on before i give my opinion on the line what did he say he was okay i i don't remember the specifics because what happened next was so humiliating that i oh yeah i sort of disassociated from it but he was like oh hey he was oh no he was like yeah he was like kind of like he was like hey yeah thing is and i was like the thing is and he was like you're a comic and i was like okay right but i don't go here i was like i don't i don't go here i was like i don't care if you live or die like this is not my eco like i'm just i'm here to disrupt the ecosystem and then i will be deported i guess after so much literally ice

was outside and he was like yeah and then he said something crazy um which was yeah he was like no i'm saying it more for myself like i gotta have boundaries i can't i was like boundaries never heard of it disgusting uh and then he was like yeah i can't go home with you that's not what i said i said i want to hold your hand it's like i can't go home with you no matter how long your eyelashes are oh so that was him flirting back i was like i was like oh my god i was like i was like okay and i was i was like and then he like trying to be like oh but like i don't know trying to give me a hug i was like i can't hug you i'm so angry i'm like i was like i'm like incandescent and i was like i'm no better than a man hold on wait you said you're incandescent i said i'm i

said i'm livid i said i was no no no that's not what you just said i said i was incandescent i pulled out a thesaurus i was like i have displeased that means incandescent yeah like I am incandescent Me right in the bodega I am incandescent You don't have my pineapple spicy juice right now Me when my card gets declined I am incandescent

Hello, I didn't have any friends as a child I was in the library So I was incandescent So he was like, will you? I was like, yeah, no, I'm so angry and then he was like oh can i get your instagram i was like i for what reason i'm still a comic on instagram is what you should have said yeah i was like hate this and then this other girl came up it was like oh sophie you're an

you're an actor i was like i don't need to i don't need to suck this date that bad but then i was just like angry girl i was like i'm mad for you why but the thing is that i think as women you're kind of like it doesn't come naturally maybe it does to be confident you know what I mean you're like

I gotta believe in my source I gotta like respect myself so if you deign to make a move on someone and they reject you I'm like

especially a man like I'm putting myself out here for you and you rejected me I was like you're crazy you're crazy and you're dangerous

crazy and you're dangerous yeah but I think that this is a learning moment I think we do need to put ourselves out there way more so that no

doesn't sound so harsh because that's what that's what guys do they they're just as many shots as you take somebody gonna say yes so it's not

so it's not always like I would love it I would love it if a girl made a move on me I would love to be flirting with a girl they lie

they lie they're fully lying no they like it they do like it but they like it when certain people approach them they don't like everybody

comedian not on comedian wow that to me is crazy I do need to know who this redacted person is because how dare you have to

I like Your hair is moisturized. It's full. Your skin is clear. Like he got a lot of nerve. You have an accent. But yeah. But for me, it was like so out of character.

And it was because I was like, I'm in holiday mode. I was like, I'm outside my life. I'm in the simulation. And I was like, hey, you need to apply some rules internationally. So did you find a peen to suck? Did you find a man to hook up with? I, hey, I was sort of withdrew my chips from the game. And then after that, I was like, it's not necessary.

And there was other like, I feel like when I'm looking at like the prospects in a room, I always go for like the highest, the highest prospect. I always go with the person who's like the most, the most expensive item. Top shelf. Yeah. Or the most baggage. Like I'm drawn to the person who's the least available. So there were some other men in the room that were being like, oh, one guy was like, oh,

we can have a lot of fun together. I was like, girl, this is why you can't be in a room with comedians. Yeah, I'm just like scratching and itching and I'm feeling that they were all comedians. Yeah, it was a comedy party. Girl, you got it. I didn't think I was like, no, everyone in here is going to be a comedian. But everyone is going to be. I guess they were all industry and subway.

Yes. Oh, I should have gone to that party. You could have seen something. I would have. I would have. If I would see it, say it. Sort it. Yeah.

Girl, I like. right after we were at another thing well I mean that's when you went out with your brother and sister right no

no that was Friday oh yeah oh Saturday I said I am going home so I'm glad you didn't if you would have hit me I would have been like

go somewhere else I would have told you don't go to that no I actually only went because my friend Kima Bob was like

we should go to this party we should meet some people and I was like I just I just want to dance and then I was like oh people are pretty

but also yeah redacted was the lights on you said the people were the lights were on the lights were on yeah

I think it's the newness I think it's the newness I'm like I'm an open hearted person open heart open legs open mouth let's go

open heart open legs open mouth memoir yes well now we learned a lot you should probably not be in a room

with comedians and I think you should still put yourself out there even on holiday even on holiday even on holiday I think especially on holiday hey

that's when you should be the most open yeah Obviously, you know, your friends should have your location. I can get some souvenirs to take back with me. No, girl. Wrap it up. No.

Pop a plan basis. No souvenirs here. Yes. So when you're home, you're like mainly with women. Yeah. And that, how's that going? Oh, good. That's great.

Yeah. No notes. Yeah, no notes. Easy. So I'm just like, you know, there's rice at home, but I want to try. There's rice at home. at home women is rice women is rice and men are uh salmon teriyaki like what's men men i don't know i feel like sausage is the obvious men are chicken nuggets

men are nuggets i'm not gonna eat nuggets every day you don't need to have all the time beef beef beef but that i feel like that makes them too like high value men are uh yeah but there's mad cow disease or something like that not all beef is good i didn't say steak men are low quality beef men are men are corned beef hash corned beef hash now that is so specific that i'm like yeah i don't i've never been like oh i want some corned beef hash i actually did that last night i was like oh we don't we don't really have i was i don't have that all the time and i was like it's this bad sometimes you need to be reminded problem babe i think it's you well i'm just like i'm gonna experiment i mean hey listen i've been there before not corned beef

hash but i've definitely you know dibble dabbled back into um the graveyard of men and you know i i don't recommend but i wish i could go full like man sober quit men i i'd like you know you're buying you don't need to do that talk about why you can't quit men yeah what is it That makes you keep coming back, sis. I don't know. I'm like, it's 2025. I'm smart. Yeah.

I have the option. I should utilize the option. Yeah. I want to, yeah, I want to quit. I want a hard shutdown, but I can't. I'm just like, there's something. But what is it, sis? Please tell us.

Whisper it into the mic and I'll shout it. What's dragging me back to that? Trauma. Trauma. Trauma. I'm going to say trauma. Daddy issues. Yes.

Trauma. I think it's, I think it's hope. Hope. I think it's, yeah. I think I'm infected with, Oh, poor men. The Mamdani of it all. I'm like, maybe there's a future.

Not Zoran. It's like, you know what? I should be back in the pool with men. I think, hey, men. They can't all be bad. What's my weakness? Men! Not me, but y'all.

That's not my weakness. My weakness is time. I think they can be cheeky, you know? And I also feel, I feel like women are superior. I'm like, that's fine. I mean, men have done so many savage things. Because they're responsible for so much pain, trauma and stuff. But I'm like, they're cheeky.

And I think they need to empower themselves. They need to drag themselves out of the slot that they're in. And you're here to save them. Yeah, I'm like, I can fix him. I can fix you. Temporarily. It's giving like a nurse in triage, friend. I don't know.

I'm Florence Nightingale. I'm just like, come. Florence Nightingale? She was a nurse. She's a British nurse. I was like, is that a book? I was like, yeah, no, absolutely. I said, Florence Nightingale.

Was that like She's a DJ She's a DJ British Amelia Bedelia It's Florence Nightingale No girl I was like She's gonna

She's gonna give us Some contact clues Where we go Mother Teresa We need to sit on this couch Like this Florence Wow

My aunt My aunt was named Florence and the Machine Yeah Yeah yeah yeah She was a nurse She's like The dick days are over

The dick days are over That's Florence and the Machine So the dog days The dog days are over Probably also about men Is she a lesbian I don't think so the bangs do give a little bit

the ginger in the bangs is giving queer I think that it is a mess it can feel messy to like approach somebody male female being approached mess yeah but I think the thing is that you have to take it

like a grain of salt like it can't be that you can't put so much on the line that's the reason I'm speaking about it on a podcast I'm like I don't care it's clear I don't care and it's just like it's very in the moment it's like for these

like two hours I'm like I'm into it but then like when the moment passes I'm like yeah well let's talk it was a temporary madness let's talk about it

what are some ways that you've approached people in the past that have been like yeah that's that's how you do that all I can think about is ways in which

it's gone wrong at this moment in time oh well give us all the wrong ones I think there's like a moment where it's not really the riz is not developed

you're just like oh I can just say shit because i'm a hot girl you're just like so you're just kind of like you're just kind of like i don't know you kind of just like a little bit like like what do you what do you want you're like you're just kind of like i think sometimes you just people everybody likes to be compliment complimented right so i'll usually go in with a compliment on something that they're wearing and that's like what like oh you have nice shoes i'd be like cool jacket but then you gotta say something mean oh it's like a little nag yeah cool jacket i don't know if i would

worn them with them shoes though wow oh i love how your beard connects okay yeah i can see how i can see how this is the makeup i'll be like i feel like i feel like a competitive thing maybe i'm yeah maybe i'm not made for that i feel like i'm trying to like best them you're trying to uplift you want to uplift yeah that's a good thing about like ladies no i want to look but like in the in the banter thing i feel like i'm not mean but i'm like kind of like i'm like let's play let's banter let's banter bye bye

yeah see that's why I'm not good at the dating situation because I don't want to play I want to say exactly what I want to say I want to mean what I say I want them to be like

exactly boom let's go now we now we moved in yeah I feel like Sydney's very transparent very direct she'd be like

I want to say this and I'd be like don't say that and she'd be like well what should I say and I'll tell her what to say and then she won't I'd be like

you have really nice nail beds what? what? get out of here okay I love your nail beds yeah he's the world he is

yeah okay but then they look and they're like oh I you know what I've my nail technician

says that all the time oh lol I'm so specific It's nice when it's specific When someone's like You have beautiful eyes You're like

Yeah I guess I guess The nail beds thing I love your jawline It's really nice That's like a jawline compliment That's nice

That's nice I once flirted with a plumber Oh Yeah Your butt crack was out? Oh Oh Because you know the plumber butt

Yeah we have builder's bum That's what we call it Builder's bum Builder's bum Sounds better Plumber's crack What's builder's bum? Builder's bum is the

Yeah builder like Builder's crack so how do you flirt with a plumber let's i was i was again i was bored i was in my house i was like my tap is leaking not a euphemism it just was leaking i was like i need to go and do stuff plumber comes in on the phone to my friend i was like oh yeah plumber's kind of hot that's crazy uh he leaves he forgets something behind like he forgets the tool he forgot your phone number he forgot my phone number so i'm like okay well obviously when he came he didn't fix the tap he just made another tap start leaking so i was like you can get it when you come back for the other

thing comes back he does the job he leaves behind a big red screwdriver so i'm like hey you keep leaving things at my flat i take a picture and he was like oh yeah can i come and pick it up and i was like yeah like i it felt like you were just like looking for excuses to try and see me again yeah and he was like busted and i was like you are a bad plumber this is kind of like a porn scenario i kind of love it yeah but then i was like actually the scheduling of when he was free i was like i just want you to i still have the screwdriver what it's like a meth yeah he's like i'm going on holiday i was like do you want do you want this big red tool or not he was like do you yeah damn i feel like there is like a little like window of

ooh I'm pressed I want to see you and then if it's not lining up you're like you know what forget it I don't know this person but like the romance

would be like oh yeah okay when you call someone out on like fancying you I feel like at the same party someone was like looking at me while talking to their friend

and I was like do you want to say something he was like oh no no I'm talking to my friend and I was like but you're looking directly at me

and he was like that's nice again a comedian they don't know what they don't know where they're looking their eyes are going all different directions

The ADHD got them. It was shiny. Yeah. Have you, neither of you have ever dated a comedian? No. No. Unfortunately for them,

I have not. Never. You know, I don't want to say dated, but yeah, I had a run in. Collision. I had one run in.

I had one run in. You were in an accident that wasn't your fault. It was very beginning of the career. And I said, yeah, I won't be ever doing this again. And it's for that thing.

It's just like, i don't want to run into somebody constantly or just even the thought of like i might have to work with you or you're gonna be in the same rooms what if you do really well then i might need you for a job like yeah that just feels i want to throw up actually right now yeah it's scary yeah but because you were in the uk you could do whatever the hell you want yeah yeah you know But I mean, I am. I mean, I should have some foresight. I'm like, I've literally come here to work and I'm like, hey, nothing has any consequences. So maybe I should be like, hey, maybe I'll want to do a job here. I mean, what really is a consequence? You know, like the world is about to end in like three weeks.

Like what is hooking up with, I mean, for you, not for me, hooking up with a comedian in New York for Thanksgiving? What's the problem? it's scary because everybody is looking for bits now so like lucky for me yeah right anybody that i've you know it had an entanglement with i don't have to worry about them putting a bit together and now it's viral on tiktok you know so i just for me another thing is like i don't want to be with a comedian and then oh my whole situation between them is now a like 10 part series yeah yeah yeah yeah absolutely not yeah 10 part series means a lot went down yeah but i'd be like i want royalties for that anecdote exactly i mean if you're gonna do a 10 part series about or a bit about what happened between us it better be the funniest thing you've ever said i'm gonna say i

rather you know i'd rather you not say anything at all but if you're gonna say something i hope it's hilarious i hope it makes me go otherwise what are you talking about yeah a weak bit about you you loud and unfunny you're not allowed to be both girl let me be like that sometimes i think that's the thing if they're not good at comedy then it's the kind of like shame of being it's like hey i wasn't thinking the moon hit my eye okay but what do you have any other mess that's not related to you know trying to shoot your shot uh so i feel like this is this is again quite sad mess on my part i really want a dog i can't have a dog i'm too fun but i really want a dog why can't you have a dog i'm like traveling all the time i'm doing gigs i'm not reliable you're not reliable

space. Yeah, she lost a coat. I lost a coat while I was here. I feel like I feel like they gave reliable, but there are gaps. Do you know how adamant you gotta be to lose a coat? Wait, maybe, was it a black coat? It was a

Issey Miyake blue brown coat. It was an Issey Miyake coat. Oh, I've been trying to find it. It's on a ferry with somebody else. yeah i left oh yeah i've got gaps in my type a it's like type a but like so like my knees are out that was a mistake yeah girl it's like 25 degrees out here today yeah i don't know what that is in celsius but you know yeah it's cold um so yeah i was like i want a dog i love i love

dogs i love animals i was just like i want something to love so i was like i am going to sign up and borrow my doggie and i live in like a nice part of london i'm like i can walk all these bougie dogs these vizlers these like hugs it's called borrow my doggy borrow my doggy.com yeah it's an app it's an app it's like borrow my doggy you can walk the dogs so i created a profile i was like i don't have a dog but so i'm like looking like searching through my iphone to find pictures of me with with dogs that i've met um i'm just like i think i started like the first picture i choose is like a picture of me in the woods like laughing so people are like she's outdoorsy and then it's like different dogs uh so I put like five six photos upload it put a little

bit about myself about like how you know I'm good with big dogs I'm like good with little dogs I have a dog this is this is weird this is a dating profile of a dog this is straight so then I put it up and then someone's like yeah I create the profile and then someone messages me and was like oh I think uh maybe you'd get more matches if you like put like some info in your profile about this So I was like, hey, you don't need advice on how to get matches. It's been, I was like, I'll shore up. I'm going to New York, but I'll shore up all these like, these dates with dogs when I get back.

It's been silent. Crickets, no matches with a single dog. I get emails being like, ooh, a Yorkie's been sniffing around your profile. Someone's proving popular. But none of these dogs message me. Not a single dog has messaged me. Can I see dogs not messaging you? I'm actually logged out of the app, but I can show you.

Oh, damn. Maybe I think I have a screenshot of it. I have to see. Let me see if I've got it. Maybe because I tried to log in the other day, but I think I've been logged out. Maybe your pictures are too, like, hot. I was like, what is? Maybe you look too sexy in the woods.

Yeah. I'm like, not all these dogs can be racist. This is crazy. No, you think it's racist? Maybe you got to go walk some South London dogs, babe. Wow. You're trying to walk these bougie Northern dogs. the fact that the dogs have been like on my profile

I'd be like no no thank you well they're probably just trying to figure out they're like why do you want to walk dogs right it don't really pair well you don't look like you know you wear lounge wear all the time I'm gonna find this because I need to know why

they probably looked you up they probably looked you up and was like wait this is a professional comedian actress she's busy what does she have time to walk dogs They think I'm catfishing That's what I'm talking about too That's the only way

So I've been reported by a dog being like You're toying with people's emotions This is unrealistic We need to see the photos you have posted Because maybe it's you serving face with a dog How are you with these dogs? I want a dog so bad I want a dog, I want a cat

I want a bunny I want a dog I want a sea otter There's so many animals I want right now And it's true that as soon as you're like, I really can't do this, like I would love to, but I can't, it really just takes the air out of everything. You want a dog? I want an animal. I want somebody to like kiss all over its head and just squeeze it and sleep with it and like pet it.

And I know, see, that's why we seem weird. Sophie, it's you too. It's you too. You want to walk somebody else's dog? people who have dogs don't even want to walk their dog I found the screenshot of my profile and it's um I actually see the problem let me see

you see the problem okay I actually changed up the photos this was the first this was the first draft oh yeah no girl no that is that is kooky scary I don't have wholesome pictures of myself it's a dog with a cone it's a dog in your knees

it's a dog I don't have a dog but like it's like I'm not photographing when I'm hanging out with the dog I'm just having a nice time you know wow no girl no yeah no I'm not here what do the other profile pictures look like you I don't know because I can only see the dogs I'm not looking for people to walk but the dogs it's just the pictures of the dogs it's not the dogs with people yeah I think you just need to put pictures of you looking like a happy normal person and then like in the woods I don't trust anybody who's just in the woods I'm sorry it's an it looks empty you don't have a tent there you're just there i just yeah that's

some trees hey hey the dog is out of show i watch enough documentaries babe if you're in the woods and you don't have like a tent up so you already you you have a body there if you're in the woods you're up to no good okay no good to no good but i just think you should put pictures like you would on a dating profile just like you looking like normal and well-rounded like in a bikini no no you like walking

having fun with friends you went holding a matcha okay you like you know what I mean like you looking like a well-rounded person okay so not a dog

forward profile not just dogs not just dogs because it looks like none of those dogs are your dog and they're all different dogs

it does I would not trust you oh I was trying to show the variety of dogs in my life no no maybe like one dog

if you have multiple pictures of the same dog you know what I mean okay so now I want to see your dating profile as well I do want to see it actually I don't have

I can't be on there you can't be on there I can't be on there it's too I because people be like you were on Taskmaster it's not

it's not it's not okay that's what it's called Taskmaster no Taskmaster is the show I was on oh yeah and that's

that's uh London there's too many people in comedy in the industry it's yeah it's horrible I have like dipped on

like I did a gig for Field and so I like reactivated on Field a Field profile but I was like this is it's messy

I don't want my profile like hanging around people like hey I recognize you so yeah so you're like the Mateo Lane of the UK

because whenever whenever he's like put up anything on an app or they're like that's Mateo Lane they're going crazy so he's like

I think it's a catfish okay yeah I can't do that I can't do it yeah I don't yeah

I feel like I know there's the Raya but I feel like I for years actually people like do you want a link to Raya and I'm just like

I feel like it's bad. I feel like it's... Girl, it is... I was on it... You know what they hurt? You know what they... They open it up for everybody. It's no longer invite.

Oh, really? It's for... It's for the street? It's for the street, so everybody is crying. They're like, I can't believe this is a recession indicator.

They're allowing everybody on Riot. It's not invite only. Oh, my God. Scary, but also... Is that like a vetting system? It used to be. You had to be like a person, like a, you know, like a status. I think it's also bad for like, for the girlies.

I feel like it's just the England team is what people tell me. Like the football team. And then it's dead. On Riot. On Riot, yeah. Well, I mean, it's a lot of DJs and real estate moguls and actors and debutantes and whatever on it. But like, I think the first year you're on it, it's free. And then you have to pay.

And I remember having to pay for Riot and being like, no one is, I'm not matching with anybody on here. And I'm paying for people to ignore me. I'm going to go back to Hinge where it's free and I can ignore them. I paid for Hinge. Because I was like, let me see, let me see the better level. Like I unlocked the next level. I'm not playing this game. Just get me to the, to the better.

Was it good? Did it take you to? Yeah. um i met a one i went on a date with a woman who was into um uh um into she was like was it bdsm or something like that like she wanted to like be a financial dom oh i she wanted to be a financial wait and it sounded good for a second because it was like oh i'll give you you know i'll take care you like what do you need to get your hair and your nails your upkeep but you gotta do something like you have to um complete a task or you have to do things oh i forgot about this yeah remember

remember this but what it was like you had to like write a paper or something it was like oh did you clean your room did you like cook did you go to the gym it's up to me good girl yeah good girl And you couldn't make your bed? I said I'm a bad girl. I'm a bad girl. I'm real bad. Well, how much was she going to pay? She's a bad girl.

I'm a bad girl. How much was she going to pay you if you cleaned your room? I don't, we didn't get that far. That's crazy. And we didn't get that far. Sydney. As soon as it was like, oh, bitch, you're giving me chores? Okay, come on, mom.

No, thank you. I'm not going to do what you told me to do. But it was chores that you needed to complete. She was like, I want to help you. This is not hot. Wouldn't you rather get paid for like stripping the bed sheets? Wow. no no for free no send me her information send me her contact uh also she worked at the airport

so i was like damn this is a this is a good move she worked at the airport yeah and then she lived she didn't have a controller and she didn't live that far from carolina so i was like oh you in the area that's okay i don't like that so that's how do you want to travel exactly i've never seen her yeah yeah i've never seen her please i'll do i'll date somebody to get access to the lounge don't You don't tip me with the lounge. Listen, I wasn't thinking. As soon as it was like, yeah, so I'll do this. If you do that, nope.

You just got to want to do it. And I don't have, there's no strings attached. But you didn't want to do it. I mean, I could have. Because, like, I ended up meeting other people when I did stuff. And there was, I won nothing. Yeah. I won nothing for the things that I did.

Oh, you know, I won a bucket of chicken one time. i got dallas bbq a bucket of chicken after we hooked up yeah okay i'll take the money yeah and then i brought her home and i was like hey carolina do it do whatever you want i don't want to even tell you what i had to go through to get this chicken wow a bucket of chicken for the family for the house for the house it was like family size i didn't even know you can um deliver Dallas BBQ to the house. Was that their kink?

Yeah, what? Did you want the chicken? Did you want Eddie chicken? I mean, on my dating profile, it was like, I like wings. Okay. And so he was like,

I see that you like wings here, you know. How do you feel about breasts and thighs? Can I get you something to eat? And I was like, well, you didn't fill me up doing something else,

so I might as well give you something to eat. You did or you didn't? He did not. Wow. So last night, i started watching this series like i needed something like in the background while i was like doing stuff and i started the series dying for sex have y'all seen this robbie hoffman robbie

hoffman is in it but it's uh it's this it's michelle williams the white one yeah um and it's based on a true story about a woman who has cancer and she's and it's like stage four and she's never had an orgasm with another person so the series is about her like trying to have like fun different new interesting sex before she dies and she's on like a field type dating app field type app right and she meets this guy who likes to be like walked like a dog and he dresses in a dog costume okay and he fully asked her to pee on him okay i want you to pee on me and uh obviously she thinks about it and then she ends up doing it but he's in the dog costume it's crazy yeah i feel yeah i think there's a lot going on there because dogs aren't like

pee on me you know i mean he's like i got this whole dog thing but also pee on dogs pee on stuff yeah they don't you don't pee on dogs i feel like he's really like dressed up his piss kink with the whole dog thing he's like yeah let's get into it walk me and now piss on me how do you feel about pee ah i i have three you have peed on somebody i have peed on somebody hey see i'm asking questions hey i peed on somebody i went to a party uh where there was a human toilet excuse me a human a human toilet and people were he people were peeing on him so my flatmate took me to the party i was like where is the human toilet with you in the town he's in like there's like a sort of there's a throne like a toilet seat over a glass box and he's just lying there

waiting to be pissed on by anonymous women. You see my eyes? It's a Friday night. It's a Friday night. So she told me when she went, she got stage fright. And so I was like,

I got to experience this. I got to pee on toilet. So everyone can see you peeing on this glass toilet. It's semi-private, but it's glass so you can see him toilet being hit with the pee.

Oh! Is everybody drinking water? Because if not, they're not. If people are not drinking water... This is the thing. I'm not into pee. but I can imagine

maybe you love one person's pee maybe like Gwyneth Paltrow's pee there's nothing Gwyneth Paltrow's pee no I don't want no vegan pee I don't know

you want meaty pee I don't know you want meaty pee I just feel like it's missing something yeah all of the stuff that make it look

you're like this is soup it's like clear miso yes clear miso pee I feel like it's the best pee yeah

pho pho pee pho pho pho pee you want ramen noodle water pee You want bright, dark, yellow, orange, brown pee. Have you ever had the soup from like the Chinese restaurant

and it's like super, super yellow? It's like chicken and rice. Yeah. That's what you want the pee to look like. No, no, no, no, no. But it's so seasoned well. You want well-seasoned pee. I want the pee to be clear.

Coming out of my body. You're not really in it for the love of the game. Sorry for being hydrated. So I was like, I was like, OK, I'm going to be respectful, but I want to experience this. But I was very scared of getting the fright and not being it. I don't know why that was embarrassing. She was like, I got so embarrassed I could pee on him and then I had to leave. And I was like, hey, I think other people are being more vulnerable in this situation.

I just I'm kind of I'm trying to visualize what it is. So he's looking up at everybody. He's looking up. His eyes were closed. Yeah, he's his eyes. His eyes. He's sort of in like a Zen state. he's like and he's naked no no no

he's dressed and he's also not allowed to like he's dressed he's wearing like like leather latex like boxes

no but he's topless because otherwise the pee would splash on his clothes there really isn't kink for anything

there is that's why I realized I'm not that I'm not that freaky yeah I really am not I'm pretty regular

you wouldn't let the love of your life pee on your feet nope on your toes I don't want it no I'm okay I barely want to

take a shower with somebody oh I hate that no I'm like it's hygiene time I don't like showering with people but also

the bath is not sexy yeah it feels sexier in your mind and then when you get it you're like let me just get by you no

it needs to be a shower I guess it needs to be one of those showers that they're coming the multiple jets multiple jets multiple

and maybe somewhere to sit there's gotta be a place to sit I love sitting down in the tub or a shower literally our feet are just like what about a jacuzzi um oh i feel yeah like a private jacuzzi i feel like a hot tub other people have been in no i'm not i'm like why is it warm like we didn't switch it off i'm like oh yeah are you are you low-key a germaphobe i think i am i think

that like with sex it's like if you're a little bit wild if you're a little bit like that's good you know i mean you can get into the salt the miso of it all but i think sometimes smells i'm very like sensitive so i was like the actual the only pleasure i would get from peeing would be like the power it wouldn't be because i'm like it's a hygiene thing for me i'm like it's but i was like okay i'm gonna try i'm gonna pee and i was like i think i'm gonna freak out when i have to pee on this guy but when i sat on the i was like immediate i was like this is the way that i would prefer to pee like this i was like this is the normal way to pee there should always be a man getting hit with my pee i was like that was easy and incredible hold on hold on hold on hold on

that was incredible hold on germaphobe to germaphobe do you put tissue down before you sit on the toilet i pee on this person i wiped it with a uh antiseptic wipe okay it's kind of like when the when the uh exotic dancers are getting on the pole and they like wipe it down and they're spraying it in that that's you yeah yeah just put with a toilet seat yeah before the golden shower but i didn't like i didn't look i didn't check in on his reaction i just was like hey and i like knowing that was happening somewhere else directly but i was just like sydney i was like hey i would get on a glass toilet bowl and pee on a man i would i would be there on a go go go i would cheer you on but then i'd be like yeah you would look at me different

I would be like, I wouldn't be looking because I don't want to see it. You don't want to see it. I'd be peeing like this. Me, I'd be like, oh, my God, friend, go. But I, too, am a shy peer, so. Oh, you're a shy, yeah. Me, too. Like, in a public place.

No. Like, in a public bathroom where people are, like, can hear me peeing, it makes it harder for me to pee. Yeah, I want to be playing music or I need people to be talking so I can get it going. I've been like, can you turn the sink on? Yeah, but just silence. Just silencio. You just sort of wait. But then I wait in the toilet and then I'm just like pulling the thing to make noise.

I'm doing something in here. I'm not just standing in a... I don't want people to think I'm in there taking a dump. No, sometimes I'll be coughing. But really, it's just pulling tissue. They're like, are you all right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And then I'm peeing. Yeah. Was there music playing at this party? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was music playing. Of course, you can't do this. No, it was also, it was not the whole party.

It was just a certain area. I think there were like, there were several men performing certain functions. One guy was giving foot massages. Oh, you didn't do that? Oh, I did that. I did that.

Okay, I would get into that. Yeah. Yeah. That was nice. I went a little on my phone situation. I could get that right now. You enjoy that. Do you enjoy,

you enjoy the podcast? Yeah, I do. I don't know, I feel like that's maybe a little bit more weird than peeing. Really? Okay. hey okay you're like you're like i respect toilet more than this

i'm like you're like really concerned about like remember that episode of sex in the city i don't know if you watched it at all yeah but there was an episode where charlotte went shoe shopping oh yes i do remember the guy was putting shoes on her feet and he was so into it that she was like yeah i'm not gonna buy no shoes yeah and he was like you've got great feet like if you just let me put these on you i'll give them to you and she was like that's weird i'm like i would have been hey i'll be like you enjoy it i wear seven and a half aka a 38 i do see what you mean because it's kind of like just do the feet with with toy that he's living his best life you know what i mean like he's he's embracing his king but someone massaging your feet it's just like

they want the right yeah they're like and you're like yeah they're like i get to touch the feet They probably don't have any, like, qualifications. They're just like, I get to hold a foot. Listen, everything is a kink. We went to a Halloween party a couple years ago. It was a man in a rug that just wanted to be stepped on. And he was rolled up in the rug the entire party, and people were just walking over him to get from room to room.

But we had no idea about this situation. So my friend comes stomping into the room. She trips over this. She trips on the rug. She flies into, like, the bar. she's on the floor and then I pull my phone I was like

what the hell is going on and then I I move the there's this man like ah with his one eye open I'm like oh my god put the rug down

yes that's his kink and I said we're gonna sue we are absolutely and then the bar was like oh can we get you some we don't want no fucking drinks

we want this guy to get out meanwhile that friend is at the bar was he hired by the bar or he just decided to do it he pays he pays to be in the

the event to get stepped on I said this is a fire hazard yeah yeah what do you know what you want he pays

no he gets paid no he's paying I don't know if he pays no he pays they told me the manager told me that's weird

he pays yeah strange I don't know what do you think it costs to be stepped on and rolled up

I'm sure it's a good amount of money I feel like I got $20 for that are you paying per hour are you paying you're in the way anything can happen

people are stepping I think that's the danger that like anything could happen anything could happen That's, yeah, health and safety. He's getting stepped, you know his penis is getting stepped on. He probably was naked.

He might have had the latex pee briefs. Little briefs. He had a graphic tee on, I saw it. A graphic tee? Yeah, I was like, sir, grow up. He had on a Led Zeppelin. Grow up and get out of the rug. He had a ZZZ top shirt on.

Anyway, listen, if you're into it, somebody else might be into it too. And that's ultimately all that matters. You just got to find your person. girl you gave us enough mess for us for the rest of the year I'm not gonna lie to you

I kept it dry I mean I didn't no somebody listen it's probably a little bit wet yeah it's very damp clean up on all seven

and you didn't you didn't keep it dry I'll pee on you if it's spontaneous yeah if it's yeah I don't think I think it's too much admin to have to

clean just to get to get undressed with something that's not not a not a sexy time for you yeah

it's not sexy for you he probably went home and was like ah so many scents so many pees i'm gonna just get in the bed i'll shower in the morning no no no no no no oh no no i don't want to kink shame but my i i gotta close my ears on this sophie thank you for coming across the pond thank you so much to give us all of your mess

where can people catch you people can catch me hey if they're in the uk they can catch me there if not they can catch me online at sophie jukebox and i'll be back i'll be back in the states but yeah there's find me find me on netflix and deep cover which isn't a film that's nice it's about improv comedy and no one gets pissed on oh yeah that's not really improv if that i thought anything could happen yes can i pee on you yes and yes yes yuck anyway sophie keep it messy beach yes you're doing a great job thank you and you guys keep sending us your mess or before we need more messages um email us at mess the podcast at gmail.com the number to call to leave us a voicemail with your best is 763-280-6588 goodbye

mess with sydney washington and marie faustin is a production by will ferrell's big money players and iheart radio podcast created and hosted by sydney washington and marie faustin executive produced by Olivia Aguilar and Han Sani. Super produced by Becca Ramos. Edited and mixed by Brian Jeffries. If you would like your messages read on air, please email us at messthepodcast at gmail.com or call for your messages to be played at 763-280-6588.