MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Diva Expert" with Matteo Lane

Episode Date: July 21, 2017

Sydnee & Marie connect with their friend comedian Matteo Lane to learn about how to truly be a Diva! Tune in and pull up a seat.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hello welcome to the unofficial expert podcast hi guys it's marie and sydney what up girl how you doing ah you know i'm a little tired but i'm i'm getting through i wanted to say that you look tired bitch see you got a lot of nerve with your head scarf on wow but i'm in my home you left your house with your house face and came to my house this is my house okay that that couch welcome to my house oh my god i hate that song where it's marie's house welcome to my house sydney sleeps on my couch itty who uh sydney what the hell were you an expert in this week what's that yeah okay i was an expert in being there for a friend that sounds like something you've been an expert in several

times okay well it's not my fault if i'm a good shelter to cry on and lean on okay don't be mad because nobody be calling you up because they know better my phone is on do not disturb oh my god you're picking up shit i am your dearest friend and you have me on do not disturb and i'm like you've been calling me at inconvenient times like like batman hours like when the bats are up i've But like, you know what, Cindy, I'm not doing this with you today. This is what happens. I will call you, text you, nothing, right? Then I'll see you on Instagram.

Like, like, like, like, like, like. You be liking shit just so I know that you are on your phone. I got to interact with my fans. Anyway. You be writing like, hey, girl, to people you don't even know. I copy and paste comments. You know what? Let me not say that because some of the people listening, I comment too.

You're like, yes, queen. and it'll be like a picture of somebody's like funeral pamphlet yeah yes and they'd be like my nana died so anyway i was an expert at being a good friend a friend was in some some real desperate times name names i will not okay um but i had to put a friend in my uber account oh yeah i usually don't do that because one time i did that and a friend threw up spilled his hennessy out of his Coca-Cola can. And then they charged me $100. For the Hennessy?

For the spill. It's a cognac. It smells. Disgusting. They put Hennessy in a Coca-Cola can? Yes, they did. Don't ask me what friend this is, but just know it starts with a J. And it ends with an S. Jonas.

His name is Jonas. Jason? His name is Jonas and we work together. Isn't he your boss? no damn girl oh i'm thinking of the other okay all right well never mind you know what marie what the hell well don't you know a white jonas and a black jonas i do in my phone in my phone it's a w jonas and a b jonas well black jonas because it's tennessee right um so i had to put a friend in my uber i didn't put them in an uber pool because that's how great i am the problem is

the cab was 50 in 33 cents girl and i was like i'm not even paying that for myself i'll walk my friend to the train and give them a swipe when you wait marie when you were high on edibles when you were fucked up you didn't even want to put yourself in your own cab jeff didn't you were like i'll walk home it's fine i was like what is this how many how many blocks 92 blocks yeah i'll make it home so i put him in my cab and then i'm watching the thing because i need to see when he gets out so i can get in because i don't care about my money right i got a couple checks that cleared bitch i was like let's do this uber x vip you just got your social security money okay wow so he gets in i'm thinking the whole time i'm like 50 33 cents should i should

i sent him a venmo request for at least half yes he gets out halfway through the the trip and i'm upset because i'm like yo you're supposed to be going home but the other side i was like well i had to pay 30 instead of 50 and 33 cents you're a mess but i'm a good friend like you would never give your uber account to anyone not even me i beg you let me log out of my phone so you can log into your account i shouldn't say this on the podcast because now people are going to be pretending that they're in desperate need of an uber and they're gonna be using my damn account uh well that just makes you dumb right no you wouldn't do that you got to do it if your friend is in need you got to help them i'd be like give me your phone that's what i did to you

that's exactly what you did to me so don't act like this other person is more your phone shut up friend and i put you in an uber pool though i was like you know what at least somebody else will take care of you shut up i remember that day too because i i woke up in the uber and i was like i've been in this uber for legit two hours and i was like i was by myself with the driver i didn't know where i was and i was like sydney why did you leave me when i called you and you were like i was never in the uber with you those were other white women and i was like wow she sounded a lot like you and then remember i threw up in the uber you did and they charged and the driver pulled over to get some tissue or condoms or whatever and i was like sydney i don't know where i am

i told him that you were a famous comedian i was like get that money boo and then i uh the driver was like we're on myrtle ave or whatever and i looked up and we were right in front of my ex-boyfriend's house wow and then i was like yeah that's not the location that i had put in but maybe that's where your heart was trying to take you that's just where i threw up Your heart was going to take you there, girl. Shut up. It was meant to be, yo. I have no heart.

There's a little black stone in my chest. Sure. What were you an expert in this week, Marie? Mainly, I was an expert for not being prepared for doing this. But I feel like I was an expert at, I had it, and then it went away. Are you talking about a baby? No. No, I'm not talking about no baby.

You said you had it, and then it went away. i was an expert at not having a baby okay i had not having children living my best life you know what i mean uh staying out all day and not eating because i have food in my fridge and i'm one of these people that's like i'm not paying for outside food when i have inside food that's true i was an expert at saving i don't know 12 this week i don't know how much money i saved but i feel like i've been spending a lot more money on food and um drinks and stuff because you it's my biggest year of spending money outside first of all listeners marie does not pay for drinks just want you to know that she pays for food but not drinks sydney sometimes i'll be paying for my own

lemonades okay i don't pay for my alcohol right but i pay for my non-alcoholic beverages they be like you're drinking ginger beer okay well here here it's five dollars and i'm like is somebody here to add some rum to this you you'll have a coca-cola can of rum like my friend jonas a road hennessey yes sydney this is this is getting too black for me up top okay sorry i don't like hennessey it's disgusting well i was an expert at you know that so that's it just saving money i guess next week i'll be more prepared with what i was an expert at i wasn't Listen, I was an expert at greasing my scalp, massaging my edges. That's a real thing.

But you still look dry. Sydney, Sydney, your faux loc is falling down. It definitely is. It's legit healing off your scalp. London Bridge, but it's really dread. My dread bridge is falling down for sure. Sydney, your locs are... I'm taking them out tomorrow, and I hope you be a good friend and help me take them out.

I'm probably not going to be a good friend. That's fine. Speaking of a great friend, I love the guests that we have today. I mean, literally all over your TV screen. Everywhere. All over the country. All over the world. I feel like his passport got some stamps in it.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right? Just Italy. No. And weren't you in Australia? No. I just, Italy and France.

That's what it is. I went to France because I slid. Hold on. Guess. We didn't even introduce you. Just want to tell us. It's Liza Minnelli. He's a comedian.

He's a writer. uh you're what else faggot oh no we don't say that word on this you can say i will be saying it for the next three hours well go ahead and say that do you live your truth uh he is our diva expert it's uh mateo lane mateo lane hey guys can we really not say faggot i mean i you can say whatever you want mateo don't let this lesbian censor you i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't care either way i know you don't you don't give any dams all right that's fine you got your best forearms out right now you don't care what i have to say yeah wait so but you do a lot of things you're a comic right but you also are an artist yeah i bet i was a fashion illustrator and storyboard

artist for television commercials for years and i studied i lived in italy painting i was like Ceilings and stuff? Yeah, like portraits and landscapes. I was like a full-blown working artist. That was my whole life, and everything was built for that career. And then just one day I was like, I think I'd rather tell some jokes in a basement than in the blink of an eye I am now telling jokes.

That's great. You gave up all that for this. I still do it. I wrote my own cartoon show that I'm pitching next month, and Bob the Drag Queen and I are going to do a comic strip about like a drag queen superhero and so i still incorporate it but just in ways that it's more useful to me now that's beautiful you better do it mateo well listen when you're working in for storyboard artists it's cool but also it's like you just have like some gay art director

being like we need these people not look gay it's like all right fine it was for dsw and his name was sky which i'm sure is not his birth name wait you've never met a sky a man i've never met a sky I met a guy named Skye. My manager at Dinosaur Barbecue in Harlem was named Skye. Excuse, Dinosaur Barbecue. Someone yesterday was going to go to Dinosaur Barbecue. They were like, we're going to go to Dinosaur Barbecue. And I was like, well, that's easy to remember because it's a ridiculous name.

Yeah, it's like the Flintstones. Yeah. Sydney, you used to work at Dinosaur Barbecue? I don't really tell people that, but I was a hostess. I used to work at Michael's when I was fired. Wow. And the container store. Because you were stealing supplies.

I stole everything. Everything. That's what you should do if you're an employee. You should steal. Michael's was asking for it, though. Every job I've ever had, I stole something. You have to. That's like a part of the job.

When I was bartending, I was stealing bottles of Grey Goose. Like I was taking like the big bottle of Grey Goose. Marie, if things don't work out in comedy, you really fucking it up right now. People are going to be like, she steals? Yes, but I don't steal jokes, though. Oh, pop out. I won't name names, but I'll whisper initials. just write it on a piece of paper for us off the record put it in the river i'm gonna say it in

french but i'm gonna tell you also speak a bunch of languages too you mad cultured you really are i know but i guess but i like you because you like what we like like you like messy uh women celebrities of course yeah divas messy divas who's your favorite diva well my favorite is an opera singer named Maria Callas. Okay, we don't know who it is. I know. No one knows who it is unless you're a real old gay. But she was like the ultimate cunt and the ultimate

diva. I mean, she was amazing. She had the makeover, she had the voice, she had the drama, she had the early death, she had the afterbirth. The early death. You need that. How did she die? Died at 53. Once her love of her life, Aristotle Nassus, who left her after she got an abortion for him

for another woman. Once he died, she never left her Paris apartment. again, and was taking ups and downs and died of a heart attack. That's scandalous. But that's such a story, though. She also was being interviewed, because she was the world's greatest singer,

like, technically. There's no one better than her ever. And she was being interviewed, and somebody goes, what do you think of your rivals? And she goes, oh, I don't mean to correct you, but I don't have rivals. And I was like, all right, gay icon, right there.

That's all it takes to be a gay icon. Why do gay people like people like that so much? Gay men love a lot of women with attitude, because I think there was a long time we weren't represented in television or media or anything and so I think it's the closest thing to seeing ourselves and also

women being oppressed especially black women who are very very very strong in the gay community I think we just saw a lot of ourselves in them and that was the only way we could see ourselves also something about like being able to mimic like Streisand and Liza Minnelli and you know Patty and Whitney

like they're easy to mimic and so there was almost like a I don't know they're like a kind of a caricature you can mimic Patty? Okay, go get me a giant eyelash. I'll put it on my head, and I will sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow to you. Can you sing a little?

Can we get a little sample? That's every Patty song. Patty starts at a 10 and plateaus. I mean, it's like she's the only one, like, honestly. And I have to say, getting into divas, Patty is the only, besides her and Streisand, they're the only consistent divas. You know what I mean?

Like Whitney Houston Mariah has disappointed me More than Whitney Houston And Whitney Houston died You know It's like It's like all these divas Just go tumbling

And Patty has maintained it Patty has maintained it Is she making pies? Did you have any of the Patty pies? I've never had a Patty pie First of all You should And Patty has cobbler

And the cobbler is off the chain I swear to God What's in the cobbler? Is it blueberry peach? What is it? I swear There's peach And then there's like

Oh I would eat peach And then there's like an apple one Yes but did the pie dude Do a video on the cobbler? Because otherwise No Patty! Patty!

The cobbler came after. The cobbler came after. Okay. See, I love Patty because she actually, she's been saying forever that she cooks. She loves cooking. Like, that's not some bullshit she pulled out. She's like, I cook. And someone throws, like, a cookbook with her.

Like, since the 60s, she's been talking about her macaroni and cheese. She's been talking about all her food, crab cakes. I didn't even know that. Oh, yeah. I unfortunately know everything about these fucking divas. Aretha's like, well, I make croissants. You know, Aretha, get over your fucking... Aretha is the biggest fucking...

Shadiest woman on the face of the planet. She should be shady, though. Keyword being biggest. First of all, her eyes are very snuffleupagus. Okay? Everything is snuffleupagus. Very drowsy eye. You ever seen her in a fur coat?

It is snuffleupagus. Yo, I saw her. She performed at like the White House or something. Yeah, the Kennedy Center Honors. And then she just drops the fur coat. Rips it off. With those arms and the confidence to have them screaming natural woman.

But I have to say... You make me feel like a natural woman. Oh, you better do it. Sydney, you sound great. Did you ever see the one that Kelly Clarkson did where she jumped into a whistle tone? No. No.

Oh, it's really good. How do you feel about Kelly Clarkson? I actually think she's one of the few people who can still sing. I mean, but she's still big. That's why. Well, she had a couple babies. When she lost weight,

When she got too skinny The skinny Kelly I would People weren't really Fucking with her like that They were like nah You gotta get some more weight on you And then she's like

You got I will meet you there She's like She ran to Patty She's like say no more Say no more She ran to Patty's house She's like Patty

But Kelly can sing in chest tones Up until like a F and a G Those notes And that's high A G5 is super high What's the highest note That you can hit The highest note

In your chest tones Like the highest Probably Patty's gotten her voice up to like a B without mixing which is like wildly high but Patti and Aretha both have like a kind of mix in their belt so like an actual belter like

a G and an A are like super high. Who's an actual belter? Barbara's like a belter. I don't know a single Barbara Streisand. Barbara Streisand is like her belting especially when she was like in her 20s is Patti LaBelle said the other, was it Patti LaBelle or someone else was doing an interview about

how they were saying back in the day no white woman could sing and her mother goes, no white woman can sing except for Streisand. Like, she has that kind of voice. Okay, but can Barba still hold that right now?

Yeah, she's 74 and sounds great. What about Celine Dion? How do you feel about every night of my dreams? I love that cuckoo, messy, French-Canadian whirlwind of a ride.

She's not that cuckoo. She is in her husband's ass. But that's fair. That's fair. No, she was cuckoo from day one. First of all, she's the most uncomfortable

person to watch on an interview because she doesn't understand American humor. so like when you're trying to talk to her she's she's constantly like it is great for me like it's like oh like celine you know it's like really uncomfortable and then she had like what the thing is she had that son a long time ago who like literally started off as one of the ugliest things i've ever seen and then okay no he was good looking i mean who is this for and then have you seen him when he's now look him up now he is one of the most beautiful he is so

beautiful oh yes but there's also celine's fault she's like i'll let my chat my four-year-old boy's hair grow to the ground and wear like white blankets he looks like the ring a clean a clean ring though a cleaner cleaner cleaner ring yeah i like celine dion oh i love her because she maintains her voice so you say you look good now but she oh yeah he gave her an award for like american music awards like a couple months ago and it was so sweet i actually really love her because she really is like a good mother a good person and she was crying and i i can't say enough good things about he looks like a step below one direction like if he got a little bit of work done he would be very one he's also 18 when i was 18 i looked like he looked like he needs some

cress white strips that's all that i'm gonna say about him yeah he's cute he do kind of look like He looks like a Jared Leto-like. Yeah, very Jared Leto-esque. That's very true. So, Celine, I'm for. Celine, I'm for. Patty, I'm for. Mariah, I am so upset.

Speak on it. Speak on this Mariah Carey shenanigans. I could do this for seven hours. I don't even know where to begin. First of all, get rid of your manager, Stella. She's running your career. Number two, get yourself cleaned up and fire everybody around you. Well, what do you think that Mariah's on?

I think she's on pills, weed, and drinking. She's on pills heavy. Yeah, because she is like sleepy. sleeps when she's in interviews and she just can't sing anymore she was singing vision of love and it was like this like a week ago and oh my god it was atrocious i thought you're one of the most renowned singers in the world and now you're 45 wearing a quinceanera dress she's struggling like that with those butterfly oh it's like girl we know you have first of all i don't know who she's dressing sexy for ever i've been to her concerts seven times felt nothing every time

and every one of that concert is a gay man or a black woman who is she trying to fuck i was like no one here is interested in you just want to hear you sing well she's not doing a good job you don't want to still feel it she will saran wrap that body throwing a waist trainer she's wearing a fruit roll up i'm surprised she hasn't done those uh tummy tea little things on instagram with that a tummy tea the you drink the tea and it's supposed to flatten your tummy but it just makes you like it just makes you hours and days and years oh that sounds horrible so just gets rid of some bloating is what it does it doesn't actually do shit yeah but she's super bloated because she needed all the drinking that she does drinking retaining water and that's what

wendy says you know i know mariah loves to have a splash of champagne but mariah you are crazy girl yo wendy hates mariah's splash of champagne oh yes oh yes oh yes mariah's known to enjoy a splash i mean first of all wendy like wendy's always like you know people say that i don't like mariah And that's not true But it feels like She hates Mariah It's so true It doesn't seem like

She likes Beyonce at all either No Wendy doesn't like anybody Wendy doesn't not Do you think Beyonce is a diva? Like oh yeah She's definitely classified As a diva for sure

And diva not in the sense Of attitude diva Is like how gays View their divas Like she's a hundred Like a diva But Beyonce as a diva Like you don't really hear

Much about Beyonce Being a bitch You don't hear her About being Well people don't talk She can't talk No people They don't let her speak

No it's not that this is not me saying it this is wendy saying it no but i'm saying like the confidentiality clause at the nose compound must be like ironclad because people do not talk nothing that beyonce does leaks well bob the drag queen is a great joke he's like the most confrontation you've ever seen beyonce do is stand in an elevator while watching someone else fight for her like she doesn't you know wendy's always like you know beyonce doesn't do any interviews because she's got the speaking level of a fifth grader and it's like i'm not saying that so don't come after me beehive but beehive but beyonce is like i was talking to john early about this once and we were talking about

like divas that really do a like beyonce will be successful for the rest of her life for the rest of her life i don't know if she had the same like flash that whitney houston had like beyonce has just been good consistently and rising up all the way through her career i mean she's done all the right moves she looks amazing she sounds great she's got good music remember that that one photo when she fell out of the car drunk. Do y'all remember that? No. She had the green dress on.

Sitting in the car. She had the green dress on, yeah. Good for her, though. She was in Paris or something. That's what I want to see, too. I want to see more of that. But Whitney and Mariah were gigantic, huge flashes that took the world by storm.

They have huge personalities. I don't think Beyonce has a big personality. I think she's a machine. But they both work. She's a robot. She is a machine. She's got zero personality. But the thing with Mariah and Whitney

is they flash big and then goes, you know, Whitney's dead and Mariah. It's hard to keep up with that. It is hard to keep up. So Beyonce... Personality is a lot.

Yeah, yeah. That's why she's having these babies. To fuel it. She doesn't want to do this forever. She had these babies, finally. Well, she had that baby. She didn't know the twins.

You counted them as one baby? Oh, I guess you're right. No, Maria's saying that she didn't have, that technically she didn't have a blue eye. Yeah, she lip synced her birth.

Exactly. You see, Mateo agrees. Yeah. First of all... That crushes... Thank you. Crushes them. And we made my aunt Cindy, who has had four children, watch that video.

And she was like, she pointed out something to me besides the crushing part. She goes, when you're pregnant, you do not crouch down like this. You have to have your back back because you're eight months pregnant. You cannot sit down like that. She's like, I've had four kids. Never once was I able to do that. Right, because pregnant women will put their hand back and get smushed down. Not this, Cindy.

I feel like that was one video. And that's all I need Baby, I only need that one video Why do you believe that she had that? Because she showed a video of like The stomach to the side She ate a burrito once And was like, quick, snap a picture

No, I think that that one video Some people want their bump Some people bump doesn't develop Until really late into the pregnancy Some people got squishy bumps Shut up, Sydney No, it's just that I have a friend who had abs until she was six months pregnant. You do have to admit that it's strange with these twins that this woman was running around as naked as she possibly could.

Because I think she wants to prove to people now. She wants to prove. No, she was taking first-time mother photos the entire time she was pregnant this time. It was like flower crown, blue suit. Okay, but she's also a different Beyonce. She has evolved. She's actually talking about things in her music. She ain't talking.

She don't even write music. Lemonade. She doesn't even write, period. Does she not write her music? No. Beyonce doesn't write anything. So she didn't write Lemonade. Beyonce don't write nothing.

Beyonce can't even read. First of all, I love that. Girl, when the beehive come for the unofficial expert, please leave me out of it. Make sure you subscribe and then read those. I just want to say I've been very careful in what I've said so far. I know you have. Marie don't care. I just want to say that.

Marie has the re-hive, so she's fine. If someone sent me a bunch of beehives, I'd just be fabulous. someone's paying attention to me at all this is great i would love all the beehives you want i'll still filter my photos and put them up you know the only people you think you think i have grinder what do you think i need instagram for the only people who came after me was azalea banks's mermaid fans because what is that i don't know but they were she and i were beefing and they were leaving you and azalea banks were beefing yeah because i said that she was uh she shouldn't be allowed to speak for herself because she's crazy i don't even know anything about her so there you go

But she's always stirring up drama, and I said that. What did she do? She called me a house slave. Was she a comedian or a singer? She was a rapper. She called you a house slave? She called me a house slave. Why?

And she was like, I'm free, and I can talk about whatever I want to talk about. And I was like, oh. She talks about race a lot, but I feel like she doesn't. Some of the things she has valid points in, and then the rest of it is just mass in all her craziness. She's nuts. Well, she likes to stir up controversy. She was beefing with Rihanna. She was beefing with Zayn from One Direction

She was bleaching her skin She called him a sand nigga What? That's what she called Zayn She was beefing with Russell Crowe Oh he asked for that Well it's all the bleach That's going into her brain

Cause she was bleaching her skin I have to see a picture of this woman No you don't want to see it I can't believe I've never It's better that I don't ever have that in my brain She was beefing with that little girl from the Disney channel who, like, roasted her. Remember?

Which girl? Oh, yeah. She's, like... Some, like, child. She's, like, 14 years old. She came through. This little girl, like, read her. With all the points.

She had a bullet point, PowerPoint presentation on Azealia Banks. It was beautiful. As to why she was trash. The reads were awesome. Who do you think... Isn't it?

I love that... Do you guys watch RuPaul's Drag Race or anything? No, we don't really have TV. I'll look at clips on YouTube. Or do you know... Have you been to drag shows and been to drag culture and stuff?

Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah. We have to go to Monet Exchange Show in New York. Okay, we'll take us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Monday nights, Barracuda, Wednesday at therapy at 11 p.m. We should all go. Oh, we've performed at therapy before.

Yeah, we have. We've done Miz Cracker. Sometimes. Miz Cracker? Yeah, you know Miz Cracker? Yeah, of course I do. Okay. We love Cracker.

Cracker's fabulous. Sorry, go on. It's just I go with my group of gay friends where it's all Reed and Shay. And I'm sitting here and it's all Reed and Shay. And I was like, you guys need to come to a drag show. We need to sit down. I've seen you with your group of gays. You have a good group of gays

Oh my crew I love them so much Everyone's tall And like in shape Everyone's tall Me and Patty My friend Patty He is 5'4

And has bright red hair And a mustache And walks around Washington Heights In a fur coat Wow And Very Joanne the Scammer

Huh Very And then there's Bob the Drag Queen And Bob It was his birthday The other day And we went to like

Went over to his apartment And he was wearing He was walking around His neighborhood With a crown And like a cheetah print vest And we went over To this one place

And this woman's like oh my god i love your crown he's like oh thank you so much he's like oh i was gonna take it and he goes oh you want my crown she goes yeah he goes bitch i'm not giving it to you and keeps walking like in washington heights yeah it's great i mean i love my friends my friend alfredo who's mean to everybody my friend alfredo's the tall cute one it's super hot and just mean and we love them do you think um the crews are harder than ever like they they're the pack is stronger like i feel like the gays are coming together the trans everything is just people want to stick together now because there's

Trump in office. Yeah, that's true. Wow, so you're trying to be political? Just a little bit. I threw that in there, you know. You don't even vote! People don't need to know my business, Marie. I also think it's like, you know, you just get to a certain point where you meet people and you connect. It is harder

to make friends when you get older, too. Unless you're in comedy. That's a weird world. But you also don't really want to make friends when you're older. No, I don't even want to try new foods. I don't want to do anything new. I'm like a bitter old queen and i'm like everyone get away from me and i listen to like the 90s and 1950s opera um but yeah i are we just all sort of connect and love each other and it's you know so how important do you think entourage is for a diva because like beyonce ain't got no friends right beyonce has

angie her cousin right but she has solange so my cousins are my best friends hang out so no solange i don't even think has ever met beyonce shut up she beyonce has that light skin security guard that's in all the photos with her yes big one and then like rihanna has rihanna's got friends rihanna seems like she's got friends has a good time and is enjoying her fame she seems like she's like you know my voice can sometimes sound like beef jerky but i don't give a shit i'm gonna dance i'm gonna look great i feel like rihanna doesn't have anybody telling her no though ever yeah well like but also beyonce or beyonce rihanna she's like i don't know she came out not so precious so i think she's forgiven all these things like beyonce was like like pitched to us

as like so yeah yeah a precious don't like it's like you know jewelry or something so it's harder to maintain that yeah rihanna was like i'm messy my titties out let's put on the thong let's go to barbados let's smoke weed with a brown dude in a jacuzzi if we knew whitney was a mess from the beginning it would have she would had a whole different career but she came out as like you know we everyone was like oh whitney like a young innocent girl and then she married bobby brown yeah no but they said that she was she was doing drugs before she even met by she was but not to the extent like bobby pushed it she also was a lesbian she also was oh yeah did you see the interview with sissy houston no no no talk about her and robin whitney's friend robin they were

her best friend who is a lesbian they were rumored to be together and then wasn't she there when she died she was not there when she died but she said uh sissy houston wrote a book and by wrote quotations i have a friend who uh ghost wrote that book um but uh she you think sissy houston is sitting down at chapter one i mean no uh so oprah went to go visit her in her apartment in new jersey and they were talking and then she got to the topic of robin and she said in quotations of what sissy wrote she goes um i whatever robin's relationship was with whitney it was one that i didn't like i didn't really like robin blah blah blah and then you know i i don't know if that relationship was anything more than friends but i know i didn't like it and then so

oprah goes so do you think that they were together and and she goes i don't know and then she goes would you have approved and she goes no and then oprah was like shocked oprah goes you you wouldn't have approved and she goes no so it's nobody would have at the time in the 1980s to have a whitney fucking houston be a lesbian no way no and in the uh she had like a big christian following no way she did but isn't the mom like a pastor well she had yeah and she she that woman should no longer be allowed to sing on television but did you see her when she sang backup for aretha franklin on david letterman and she was like rolling her eyes literally and nori davis and i have talked about this for her bobblehead ass was going no all the other women were like

dancing and like sissy's just standing there i'm like why did you even come why did you just want to be there she wanted to make show face shit on that be on arthur blazer well reetha also was singing an adele cover like is this he's just sitting there like just so pissed off sissy had some tylenol pm she wasn't really there for them Your sissy has some day quills, some night quills, and some lean. She has some scissors. She is just a really grumpy woman. I mean, she's old and black.

Of course she's grumpy. Yeah. You're allowed to be grumpy when you're old. I'm not begrudging her for that, but I'm just saying, just, girl, every time you're on TV, it's like, ooh, Sissy Houston. Like, no one's ever walked away from a Sissy Houston interview like, what a pleasant woman. I mean, she's been through a lot. What do you expect? Yeah, well, she put Whitney through a lot.

That's for sure. what is something about whitney's life that you feel like most people don't know but should know that she was probably a lesbian suffering or at least bi or at least fluid or something you know i think she got a lot of backlash in the beginning from the black community because they thought that she was too white right there was like videos of her at the it was at the bet wars in the 80s and they were booing her when they played like her music and stuff so she had a lot of identity well that's how we start we we boo you first to see if you could take it and then we're like oh okay, you got it, and then we're a champion of yours.

And that's how it is. It's similar to Gaze. Gaze, we bring you in, and then we just make fun of you, love you for the rest of your life. Like, there was a drag show when Whitney died. Someone came out in a coffin, and they played a Whitney Houston song, and it was just like a finger, and they had, like, bubble, like, drowning music, and

that's, like, Gaze honoring her, because, like, Gaze, you know, if a straight person was like, I hate Whitney, the same Gaze laughing at that would be like, how dare you! She's our queen! So Gaze do, we're It came out in a coffin. The coffin was the dress?

It was a coffin rolled out. Stop it, Mateo. I hate gay people. I would have. You can't say that. Yes. Have you not? Is there any clips on there on YouTube?

There was one drag queen who did like, what was that song? Like taking a splash. And then they would like play Whitney Houston music. And then they would play like a toilet swirling. Oh, wow. They're really elaborate with their shows, aren't they? Oh, yeah. drag queen shows it's a real show yeah put on a performance you gotta step it up i mean you know

it's a lot better than hamilton it is honestly cheaper i went so i went to go see my friend monet's show and then i went to go see a broadway show i'd never seen a broadway show i went and saw cats i got free tickets long story okay yeah i was like i was like oh i'd rather go back and watch the drag show like this cats wasn't good do you think cats was good absolutely not it is embarrassing to say out loud i just want to know do they have new costumes no they look like they have hep c it's straight cats they're using cats they don't look like those goodwill costumes that they had 20 years ago is cats the the animal version of rent like all the no i would have preferred that someone to have feline aids and die nothing happened nothing happened in that show

it's just the cats going down like we're cats we're cats i'm like i know i bought the ticket and then you know it's like they like keep talking about the other cats like and Gus is the cat at the theater door

I'm like is a dog gonna show up or something and then Grizabella comes out and they don't like her and then I think she got abducted

by an alien it was really a weird play and how long was this damn play oh like two and a half hours I mean too long oh my god

it was too long I had to I was there for like a gay night or whatever like it was like gay influencers I was sitting and I also saw cats

with my friends Alfredo and Milk Milk? Twice? No I saw just that one time you have a friend named milk i have a friend milk guys i have a weird life i think oh hold on a second yes i'll call later sorry um do i sound a mess no you're great yes that's why i like it i do i do city's gonna lie to you to not hurt your feelings no you don't sound like the past

people that we've had real messes really yes okay yeah i my life is i have i'm pretty together yeah how's your life fine i i am alone i've been single for seven years i'm trying to trap this dominican it's never gonna happen when you say alone are you not having sex or like what i don't have a lot of sex i have a guy who comes over who's like married and he and i just every once in a while i have a fuck and then he leaves he's married with married man he's married to a man or a woman to a man oh well then it changes everything that's free game yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah keep it in the family it's fine yeah so wow but that's pretty much it i'm very like it's so funny because i the i last relationship i had was seven years ago it was for two years it wasn't a great one

and after that i just sort of dove into comedy yeah i was doing i was well first i wanted to perform because i've been doing comedy five years now so before then i wanted to perform and when i was dating him i never got a chance to so i joined this cabaret group in chicago and i the reason i did it is because they said i could pick my own music so of course i think like oh you don't even know the half of it we perform at only gay strip clubs in chicago every week and then we had really shitty burlesque dancers and really bad drag queens so i would be in a strip club in a strip club so i would perform while the strip we were in a basement that ann frank wouldn't hide in And there's, like, a stripper in a corner trying to get hard while a drag queen is powdering her nose for the eighth time.

And then, like, the cabaret dancer's like, one, two, step, one, two, one, two. No, I said one. I mean, everyone's drinking. We got smashed. And then I would go on stage and be like, memories all alone. And they would just be, like, throwing peanuts at me. Did you say penis or peanuts? Peanuts.

Peanuts. He wishes peanuts. Because they didn't understand why I wasn't stripping. But I loved it. So there was no stripping. The stripper's stripped. I came out to sing serious music, and they hated it. Well, what were you wearing while you were singing?

Literally what I'm wearing right now. Was it a strip club talent show? Like, what's going on here? It just was a strip club. Then we would have our burlesque shows. So they would say, like, the burlesque group, I don't want to say the name of the group, is coming to perform.

And also entertainment from, you know, whatever, Jose. And it was just a big mess. But I loved it. I did that for two years. And then I got into comedy. And I was like, OK. And that's when I did open mics. I was like, oh, these are quite glamorous.

Because I was used to a very different side of performing. you said that open mics are glamorous what have you been through sir i when you're performing for strippers and old people and drunks and gays and all of a sudden it's just a room full of like nerdy white dudes i'm like this is wildly different four weird white men listening yeah and just barely listening but yeah so i don't know but you don't even you just need bodies in the in the i just need bodies i don't care who's in those seats i don't give a shit i don't want to talk so you used to do some really terrible shows and then but was appreciative if you saw cats and hated it what's the worst show you've ever been i got booed by 200 gay men

in chicago at an aids event why what did you say because oh well did you make an aids joke was it no no no but not looking back i should have but i they opened this show by having first of all it's a place that used to be called manhole and they have a sign in the bathroom says no crystal meth so this is already a red flag for me they call it crystal meth and not like tina they said no use of meth they were flat out about it and everything and um so i was like all right and so what they did the show the drag queen hosting was really great dixie cartwright i think is her name she was really funny but this is in chicago and they flew me out there to do this and they had porn stars wearing crocheted jock straps which i have no clue if that had anything to do the hiv

be affiliated but they just had women sewing these jockstraps and then the men came out did all this dance and then like immediately brought me out which like you can't have sex first and then comedy you gotta have comedy first and then sex so they brought me out and there's 200 gay men there drunk talking no one's listening to me i literally was on stage for about a minute and a half and in comedy that is a long time where everyone was talking and and like at the level i'm talking right now obnoxious fag level and i'm just like i'm like hello hi is anybody um no anybody and no one listened and i said i go is anybody gonna listen and one guy turns around thinking he's funny and goes yeah well listen if you put on a jock strap so i lost it i was like

oh i get it you people which is never good to call my own people you people i was like you people won't support your own performers but you will support that weekend at bernie's called britney spears in vegas and they turned so quickly and told him why you were mad and then someone was They started booing. I was like, oh yeah, you're booing. Sorry I'm not Kathy Griffin of the Ghost of Drone Rivers. You're all pieces of shit. And Christina Aguilera is a cunt. And then literally one guy was trying to rush the stage.

Because that Christina cunt. You can't talk about our queen. He set him off. And then I said, this is how I left. It was six minutes and I go, I'm sure you're all masked tops, but I've been watching you mince and prance for the past 15 minutes. Everyone here is a piece of shit.

And I left to booze. And then I went to the back room where seven porn stars looked at me like i made the wrong choice in life but did you get paid though yes oh well then it's a win yeah it was a win but i mean it's a it's a strange sound to hear 200 but i've told that story since to gay shows and they laugh so it works i did a charity show um for like kids that don't have money for vaccines or something and they showed this super sad video of julia roberts in like in her shit wig from mother's day in like in like the congo or something where like watching a baby die because he didn't get

like julia roberts why are you in the congo right and then it was like and you know she's like this is so sad and then they were like and now comedy i know and i was like every time you do an event that's not a comedy club they don't know how to do comedy they never know how to do it they never get a proper host no and they never get a proper stage or people don't know what they're there for there'll be no fucking light i'm like first of all i'm black they won't see me so i'm just talking and teeth floating like come on they have you performing on like a trampoline and you're like not even that they're like well there's a utility closet over there if you want to that's kind of a stage and then they'll have people service dogs walking around it's like

what the fuck and then you're like you're gonna light me at some point and they're like just do this much time and it's like i'm just gonna do what i feel comfortable i will say to them i said that's great you should light me at 10 minutes and they'd be like i'm kind of mean at those events i've actually walked into event once and said this isn't i'm like i'm gonna go yeah what oh yeah because they it was like a this woman was like begging me through twitter and instagram to do this show was in brooklyn blah blah blah gay show this and that i was like all right i'll go i'll show up and then i show up and it's like her and two musicians and an empty empty bar and i was like when is the show gonna start she goes well the way we'll do it is like you just get on the

microphone and start talking and hopefully people will like show up oh yeah and i said okay i said that's not what i do i said so have a nice day and i literally walked out totes fine i'm sure she understands how i don't know if she did she seemed a little spectrum how deep in brooklyn was the show it was long island no no no i was like you might as well just stay your train is another hour so you might as well do some time well there was there was a show i did two days ago that was like a gay show and i walked in and there was one person in the audience and she said you know you can do time if you want to and i said actually i know i said there's just one i you know but dale just saying nah because i was like i was like i was she's like i'm so i'm like that's okay

she she really apologized and she wanted to pay me i was like you're not paying me i was like this totally happens she was new in comedy i was like this totally happens don't worry about it but like just know that like okay i know that's what bob says he's like white people have a really difficult time with money he's like it's like any time of like if a white person is like i will pay other white people like throw their credit cards down every black person will just sit there and smile and say okay you got it listen all right bob needs to be the money expert the next time he's in town. Oh, Bob is...

I love Bob. We'll be in a cab and I'll say sorry or something. Bob's like, you're not. Why are you saying sorry? Out loud. And the cab driver can hear us. And I'm like, you're right.

You're right. I'm not sorry. He's like, you say excuse me. But yeah, I told that girl. I was like, yeah. I was like, sorry. This is just not enough people. And that's not what I do.

It was one person. Can you keep your money? How many people do you need, Mateo, for it to be like this? At least five. I mean, what are we talking about here? You think I'm going to stand there for one person?

and i was like fine i didn't come across as a bitch or anything i was i was like keep your money and i was like this happens and blah blah blah but wait how much was she gonna pay you 40 bucks i was like it but this is coming out of your is this coming out of your own pocket are you getting refunded and she goes it's coming out i'll take the hit and i said no i was like how about you keep it and i go you know this was a hit for me so i'll definitely i know bitch i have come out to the decal stop in bushwick i'm coming from the upper east side can you uber helicopter me back home instead exactly i mean i was pissed exactly yo i'm like yo you could just give me a car and don't carmel it just give me like a real car like mateo i feel

like you give good show and you like there are people who are really bad performers and people will come out to see them in droves right like people will come out in waves to see somebody like mariah like mariah or britney spears in vegas or you know a lot just a lot of these women and rihanna people rihanna's not somebody who can sing live and she is fine i mean she's fine she's and i say fine with like real hesitance tickets are 250 i don't want a fine well that's what i'm saying dated as hell when she's performing can i also say though that's what i get so mad at maybe you guys will back me up i hate like when i say like oh yeah i'm miley cyrus does nothing for me and like neither just like you know like the standard at one point was was like such good

singing and now everyone just sounds what about lady gaga oh i love her okay oh i love her she can really sing no she can really sing yeah i do appreciate her too because she reminds me very much of my italian grandma where it's like just too much all the time like she's my grandmother's living room it's the most she'll wear a couch on her shoulders and literally drape the mirror sheet on it. When she came with the meat, I was like, girl. And next to Cher. And Cher's like, I don't know who this meat locker is next to me.

My daughter's a man. Yo, that's what Cher sounds like. She does, doesn't she? I don't know. You tell me. I don't really know who this woman is. I can't do a really good Cher. You make her sound like a nerdy

Jewish dude. Oh, I don't know who this is. Well, when I met Lady Gaga, I thought she had strength, pizzazz, and also pizzazz. She said pizzazz twice. Pizzazz. I like pizzazz, actually. It's a lot of fun.

Oh, my God. Liza. Wait, I have a question. So, in terms of divas and, like, the drinking and drugs, do you think it goes hand in hand? There's not many divas that don't be getting fucked up. Because I think it's hard We put a lot Like gay men

Are just enabling These women To mental disorders But like I think that It's really hard To maintain But the thing is

Is when you see Someone who It goes both ways Alright So there's too much Pressure on the audience Side to expect Mariah to be

Dream lover days It's never gonna happen But at the same time Mariah Stop also trying To pretend you're that Stop lip syncing Stop dressing that way

You have to evolve Like if you're not Evolving artistically As an artist And as a singer Your audience Is going to grow frustrated in you Because bitch

I'm going to pay $200 To come watch you lip sync I will go watch a drag queen Do the same thing But that's what they want From Britney Spears Britney Spears Is a whole other topic

And Christina Aguilera They want her to sing But they don't even want her To be there They're like Can you just bring your voice And don't come Yeah well Christina Aguilera

Is insufferable Is she? But Yeah More so than the other one She's the worst Is she? Yes

Have you met her? Of course not i thought you was gonna say yes i made an entire career out of judging things i know nothing about i thought you i was like well what happened she stepped on your foot and didn't say excuse me no she she's i've there's yeah she's not her christmas album is offensive i don't even know what song it is merry christmas that's it she's adding words into words she was singing um have yourself a merry little christmas

and hang a shining star upon the highest bow as right as the word she goes hang a shining star yes upon the heart what listeners that's not there she said yeah listeners if you still have ears after this yeah it's embarrassing it is embarrassing who's your favorite person to watch that's like a train wreck lindsey lohan no i mean perform like oh performing yeah i mean lindsey is a train wreck she's not fun to watch though i've served her many times and i was like girl you smell like an ass you thought it was susan boyle in a red wig she smelled like an ashtray in an old-school New York taxi. Yeah, she's horrific.

She was like, taxi cab confessions. I love that show. And she was mad. She was like, the bartender acts like he doesn't know me. The bartender doesn't know me. She has Rachel Ray voice. She's like, the bartender acts like he doesn't know me.

He should respect. She said that to you? Have you seen your career the past 10 years? I was like, you don't even look like you used to look. Has she done anything after Mean Girls? or was that was her a lot of sure she was a lesbian for a couple couple years oh that was the best she was interviewed on alan car show in britain he was like so are you author a motha and she's like that's rude and he's like i don't know are you back in the caulk

are you back into caulk nobody has asked me that before wasn't she a muslim woman for a minute too guys all right i'll fill you in all right her instagram this is my bit her instagram is better the game of thrones she lost a finger in a boating accident in greece and then had it sewn back on literally was like i found it and then she erased all her instagram after she wrote a poem to isis and then resurfaced in a surfing wetsuit with a hijab and is now campaigning herself to be the little mermaid for disney's live version of little mermaid which by the time she gets to ursula ursula is going to be like you know what you keep the voice but because she lost that finger she has their own dinglehopper now so stop it why doesn't why don't they just get these people their help

the help they need they need to be in like because those who are surrounded by a lot of yes people and that's why you have to be careful like the more we do this if we become famous or bigger you have to watch who's surrounding so because people will just agree with you because they want to live off you yeah but my mother would never just say yes to me oh neither would my mom or my aunt cindy or my cousins my mother would shut me down every day you and you you know my mom my mom will call me every day and be like i haven't spoken to you in three days and i'm like my mom does that too yesterday me and marie keep each other humble like as soon as i think i'm killing it's like girl your ankles are ashy but yeah but your legs are dry yeah we keep each other

grounded my friend lisa trager keeps me real grounded she's just outstanding love her love her well how she's a russian refugee jewish crazy cunt i love her so much she always looks like she doesn't like you but i feel like you know the thing i love about lisa is that she's so brute she can be nothing but honest she craves authenticity and so when you're with her you find yourself like working on your own character in person because you want to make sure you're being as authentic as you can for her okay so going through the list of the divas then right the the the top divas who needs and we can even throw little kim in there because she needs one too no little kim is somebody to hit him with a nah mariah yes and then who else mariah and then

i would probably say oh you know christina actually she she really needs someone to be like you're unlikable and someone else has to write your music because you have you're a classic you have you have a great voice you're very beautiful you have terrible music and a terrible attitude people don't like you okay what about uh jennifer lopez jennifer lopez is just fine waiting for tonight jennifer lopez and her thin ass voice she got a ride she doing fine she knows what her lane and she crushes it in vegas yeah she's she listen she knows she's not a singer she knows she's a dancer she knows she looks good she knows she's lucky as fuck oh yeah like i'm fine with jennifer

lopez jennifer lopez voice is thinner than janet jackson jennifer lopez's voice is thinner than the tallest mountain in Colorado. Jennifer Lopez's voice is thinner than my edges, y'all. So, keeping it real. Jennifer Lopez is a lot thinner than me. Oh, I have one more question that was pertaining to Jessica Simpson. Did you see her on Ellen? Oh, yeah, I saw that.

Was it a lesbian question? No, no, no. Not only just a lesbian question. She seemed Percocet out her mind. She did a truck commercial or a car insurance commercial. I was like, girl, you are a billionaire. Why are you doing... Well, that's what Ellen asked.

She's like... Ellen was basically like, you're so dumb. How are you a billionaire? She's like, I know. I mean, it literally can happen to anybody in here. She said that? Well, yeah, because it's those clothes. Everybody was like, what?

Everybody's wearing those Jessica Simpson shoes. Jessica Simpson does have good shoes. She do got a good shoe. But Jessica Simpson, actually, her reality show with Nick is kind of like the sex tape to Kim K. Because that's how she popped off. She did pop off. It popped off because of that show. MTV was making mad coins from that show. But then their marriage ended

because of that show. Yeah, but then it was fine. And her career. Her career as a singer. What is she doing now? She like watches a gay man design shoes and she's like, love. Love it. She got shoes. She got an active wear line now. She got an athleisure

wear? Wow. It's called the warm up. It's our comedy show. Is it really called the warm up? Yes, it's called the warm up. I thought you were kidding. I'm not joking. It's in Macy's. Is it called Ivy Across the Street from the Park? That makes me, like, I guess she's doing it right, though. You know what I mean?

If you know you're not that talented, because have you ever seen her sing? It's embarrassing for everyone. She sings, like, that's where she thinks she's, like, this belter, like, Mariah, but she really just sounds like a wet seal. She sounds like wet seal? That's where they sell her clothes, too, wet seal. They sell it at wet seal and Bebe. Bebe?

Is it Bebe or Bebe? I always thought it was bébé, but I read things like in Italian, so... Well, we say it would be bébé in French, too. Est-ce que tu parles français? Oh, oui, je parle français. Ma très bien. Moi aussi, que je parle français.

C'est-tu parle français? Non. Non. Je suis... Je parle italien. Je utilise les paroles italiennes. J'espère que j'utilise un accent français. Oh, he hit me with a j'espère, girl.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Are you talking about my vagina? Well, just a little. but um i i do do you really speak french yeah my mom and dad are from haiti oh that's so cool you know the most handsome man on the face of the planet leclerc uh like so hot um but he knows uh he he speaks french right there just well that's it's wet but um i met his mom the other day we

were just like walking on the street and i bumped into him and he was with his mom so i immediately turned to her and started speaking french and she was so sweet and nice yeah she's yeah they were great oh so that's what you're trying to get in with the mother you're like my french needs a lot of work i mean it's good though oh thank you but i yes fluent italian and i speak spanish but then my french is like it's like your fourth favorite well it just like comes in some it's just like i'm literally using italian you are a powerhouse you know they're right like you you got it together you got the well not today i look exhausted and feel exhausted my city might have a face mask in her purse for you i do do you want she just did a mask is gonna make my face not

puffy i don't know i need sleep i need sleep that's what i need i was like i got about two hours of sleep i was like i need to get two hours of sleep because i got home around like two and then my friend patty who came from fire island was staying with me and so he him and i probably got to sleep around like 2 30 and then i woke up at like i like couldn't sleep because i'm not used to someone else in my bed so i was like kind of tossing he woke up screaming in a fight he goes And that's another And then he like stopped And I was like

Oh my god Patty okay He's like sorry I was like getting into a fight And then fell back asleep Mateo I feel like you are I feel like we need

Another episode with you With something Completely different Of Divas I do feel like that too I do also feel like that Before we go We have like a little

Quiz right No I feel like We've been quizzing him I want to know How you feel about Adele Okay so I saw Adele Twice I saw her at SNL

And I was like 20 feet away from her and it was beautiful and then I saw her concert with Lisa and we cried the whole time. I like Adele because I think

she sticks to her brand. She's like, I'm going to sing and I'm going to release music and that's it. And I'm going to sway right here

in this one spot. I'm not going to fucking sell out a perfume, do commercials or clothing. She's like, I'm going to sing

and that's it. And I feel like people were really emotionally connected to her. One thing though, the concert, God, she wouldn't shut up.

I mean, it was just like, I swear she sang two songs and everything was like, so many guys are coming up I love it.

I have a stomach tonight. I love it. It reminds me of London. Oh, hello out there. Happy birthday. It's your birthday. Happy birthday. I forgot my words.

Why does she sound like Mr. Bean? Because I don't know. Mr. Bean doesn't even talk. Yeah, Mr. Bean doesn't even talk. But that's how Mr. Bean would talk if he spoke. Hello. But she's a great singer, and I love that. I love people who are like, you know what?

I'm just going to sing because then I don't feel like I'm being lied to. Yeah. You know what I mean? it's like mariah and celine and and uh you know beyonce like really you need a perfume you don't like how's the dairy all wrong that's a dairy wrong do it all wrong tina knowles originals you're not here tina knows stealing like drag queens like gang houses from the 80s okay girl tina knows she'd be trying to look like a witch the house like a mean witch how yo when the hive come after you my man yo i'm out i'm out for the record everybody in the room

just nodded yo the hive is going to come strong on you okay i have to listen to this podcast um um do you think that janet jackson will lose the weight in time for this concert in september of course she will but i'm so mad at her right now because i bought tickets to go see her last concert and then she oopsie got pregnant i was like bitch you're like in your early hundreds there's no oopsie that is a hundred thousand dollar can't you just be happy for her no because why would you do like why would you just say you don't want to do the concert janet jackson when in doubt will cancel the show so i i was like i don't even want to go back to see her lip sync her ass off this time i'm mad at her because i love her so much i love that song again i love

runaway i love escapade i love together i love i am such a big what about her new music she had like this song called like if i could just throw myself out that window right now i would We were only on the third floor. New music. I know she did. You didn't like it? No, I didn't like it. Why?

I'm with Wendy on this one. Like, you know, Janet, I don't want to watch you do new music. I don't want to hear it. Just go do the old hits. But you just said an artist got to evolve. Yeah, but she is, well, she also stopped lip syncing. Because I watched her on YouTube at that last concert singing again. It was like a bad drag queen.

Janet's like. Oh, that's another thing. She's so whispery. Also she laughs in all of her songs You're always doing that Who the fuck are you talking to She's always laughing And also may I say

Janet Jackson hasn't said a funny thing in her life She has never laughed ever She has zero sense of humor I thought she was laughing I thought she was laughing Because Jermaine Dupri was in her vagina Mooning her She was like you're always doing that

You're always doing that Jermaine is also the person who was making bomb ass music for Mariah Carey we belong together always been my baby we belong together they had some great music together and then Mariah's like

and he's like I'm just gonna go do welcome to and it was like shut up Jermaine you short Jermaine is kind of embarrassing whenever he gets on he's like haha you know who this is shut up Jermaine is there anything that you want to leave the listeners with about divas or how to be a better diva just tell someone to date me okay what are you looking for tell us right now well right now

i'm obsessed with this beautiful dominican man who just really doesn't give a shit but you've been talking about him for months now i feel you need to let that because it comes in and comes out comes in and comes out you mean he's not interested in you like he's like not obviously that i'm looking for a handsome man that hates me um why do people do that to the podcast is like well i like mateo what what's your ideal man just describe this person to us um i don't even i'm trying to think of like you want somebody brown yeah of course okay brown um we got we got brown listeners we have definitely have brown listeners what else someone nice you mean money he means money you gotta have money nice means money i'm not worried about money oh because you got your

own no not on that $40 show right listen for one person i'm gonna do my lindsey lohan joke how embarrassing um i don't know i guess i really don't know someone who's self who's confident in themselves who works out not like crazy muscle buff or whatever but not like a pig you know you want somebody who wants confidence and that doesn't work you don't need somebody who would bow down and just love you and be upset. No, I would hate that. Yeah, I didn't like that either. I wouldn't hate that. I didn't like that either when I had that.

Oh, Marie! It was annoying. When you turn up missing, I'll be like, I know why. I don't think he listens to this podcast. He hates me. Hi! We'll look for this guy for you. If I see one,

I'll let you know. All right. Mateo, where can people listen and catch you? Yes. I'm probably at Starbucks Begging for a Dolpio That's not burned Mateo Your Instagram

Your Twitter Things like that Oh Instagram and Twitter It's all the same handle Mateo Lane M-A-T-T-E-O-L-E-N-E My Instagram I'm just completely naked

Oh it's so fucking good My ass be out always Oh you have a nice crack I'm like How does he not have a man Thank you You must have suitors They be all in your jeans

I have like a doyen I have like You know people Like a butler A maitre d You definitely got like gnomes that's ready to get up in it well there's a few guys i'm sexting but one lives in like new orleans that's the problem with instagram is you get guys who don't live here like one in brazil

and one in italy traveling i see you i don't know like minneapolis yeah you're not going there but like there could be this nice there could be like a little dominican minneapolis dude you and i both know that's not true they don't they don't do that no i was the most ethnic person in minneapolis and that's a problem oh yeah they're like you're a quarter mexican all right someone get call ice all right sydney where can people listening find you oh you can find me on instagram at just said bw uh and then you can catch me on twitter just said nyc uh and i am breezy r-e-e-e-z-y unless you're the beehive in which case i'm not even on twitter uh yeah and then we have two more shows left um for the warm-up yes july 8th and then august 12th yes we will see you there it's the

second saturday of every month but you know the next two are those dates that's it maybe mateo will come say hello yeah maybe he'll swing by and maybe that's a vanilla will come sing bring all your sexy dominican friends please better yes your guys's show was the ship by the That was so much fun I had the most fun And then you dashed I went to the Dominican's house to get fucked And then he didn't do that

That's what I did Oh my god that's right I was like bye guys I gotta go I should have turned down the mic on that I love to get fucked I just said I got fucked I was like girl that was I had to go

You left us so fast We're going to talk to Mateo about this Dominican dude a little bit further But you guys can go Thanks, Mariah Thanks so much You'll always be a part of me Definitely Boy, don't you know you can't escape me

Ooh, darling, cause you'll always be my baby I know I'll have you be my boy Thank you.