MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - “The Divorce Expert” with Zach Teague

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

Our divorce expert joins us on Unofficial Expert this week. No, not Wendy Williams - the incredibly funny, Zach Teague! Zach dishes on what he learned from his parents divorce, what he wants for his own marriage, and that time he saw his dad hooking up with his second grade teacher. Plus, Sydnee goes off on a guy on the subway who asked for her Instagram handle while Marie is simply the expert on being hungry this week.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys we're back good old back to the unofficial expert just being just being great I just noticed that your shirt is like sheer oh absolutely I'm here for a see-through turtleneck that's my brand you know it's like I'm covered but I'm not a sheer turtleneck and a strapless bra no it's not strapless okay wow I was like this is but it kind of looks like a corset bra that's what it is i love me rainbow rainbow is great is that new oh i got it before i went to la you know just in case i was going to do some scams step out leave my girl for a little bit oh my god but i did not i would never leave adrian sydney has to put that disclaimer in there because adrian's

friends i would never leave her i talk all of this shit y'all know y'all know i'm not going know where. Also, Adrienne's from Detroit and she will kill everybody. Murder you. Murder them. Murder you. Everybody. Me too? Or you and whoever you cheating with? Marie, if you knew I was cheating, she would go off on you. I'd be like, I had no idea.

I'd be like, you know, Sydney took some acting classes. She's been hiding stuff from me. I tell you everything. She's hiding things from me. I'd be like, Amina might know, but I knew nothing. I do tell Amina more stuff now. Can't be trusted. it you got other co-workers now what do you mean i don't know what you got amina amina has a four

year old son she might be telling him the tea he going to school telling people to school your business and now everybody at head start knows that you're sleeping with a married man or whatever if i cheat on adrian it would not be with a man okay well with a sexy female dj yeah another DJ no I would not she's actually a DJ that's doing well I don't want to go

below you know I'm so hungry we're famished I was an expert today at not eating before I left my house it's so tough man

how do you stay on track I mean you're very busy yeah but like in the daytime I think you know what it is I think I gotta get up earlier and I know I do

I just don't want to like you're getting up at 7am now and going to bed at what time one something in the morning trash

yeah I am not a morning person I'm always angry like this guy was on a train he saw me like going through Instagram

he's like let me get your Instagram handle I was like no no why are you talking to me right now

I was full on going off on him and I was like he could kill me right now and if he did I would be like warranted

I would get it I was so mean let me get you no so you don't need no more followers is what you're saying no no no

I was just like ew who asked that like we didn't even speak at all let me get your he just leaned over and he had like morning breath and like eye boogers he had cornrows so i was like you're not gonna get respect from and the cornrows they were past the hairline or they were like at they were like by his ears they were like you know when you have a little little duck tail of like braids he put in a little put into like a little low-ass ponytail like it was getting in the way it was the audacity of a dude with short braids to like put a hair tie around him and you're like the whole point of a hair tie is so that like that your hair doesn't get in your way it was

nothing is flowing back there yeah that is crazy he's obnoxious i'm not a morning person and i was just like no and then i went off on him he's like i was he's like i respect that and you were like do you do you really what's your instagram how many followers do you have and then i was like like five minutes later I was like I'm sorry you apologized to a man on the train I did I was I was really mean it was it was unnecessary sometimes you have to admit when you're wrong

not to a dude on the train that I don't know definitely not nobody on no J train those those are not my people great Marie wow yeah you wow Sydney it was just completely silent and then you just like came back five minutes later like sorry I did that did you not have headphones

and then he looked at he looked at me he's like oh i forgot about that i was like oh wow wow this is why i can't take the train i fucking hate it it's fine anywho uh did you say what your expertise is i'm hungry and my stomach hurts right right right was my expertise i mean i guess you were mean to that dude on the train yeah and then you were nice yeah you don't know subway etiquette and you from here i don't know i had i went to lunch with a friend and uh it was supposed to be like let's catch up but she just like spoke the whole time and it and it was just like sometimes people don't want to really meet up and catch up they just want to talk and they want to vent but it's like I just don't think I'm in at the point

of my life where we could do that no more we can't it has to be an equal amount of venting so you didn't get to get anything off your chest pretty much I was like girl what we could have been on the phone with this at least I could have scrolled through my shit now I gotta look at you personally and hear you talk we could have faced you I could have had you on pause on FaceTime wow well is she going through something serious no she's not it was it was one of those like let me tell you what I'm doing and I'm so busy and it was just like all right girl you're too busy to ask me how I'm doing it was like it was like what's going on with you and then I started to get into it but it was I guess I wasn't fast enough so then it was like okay

it back to me it was a mutual friend of ours someone that i know too who was it i'm not gonna say it was a mutual friend and i was like what's the initials i'm not gonna say but i was just like mouth it to me oh wow i mean sometimes people get caught up in their own heads or whatever you know what i mean like uh-uh i'm not the one i already listened enough i'm the this is true i'm the friend that you i'm the friend that you hit up that's like oh everybody else busy um she she got time what's up cindy always picks up even if she's on a train or in a pool and she don't have her headphones this is true you are the friend i am the friend so i just feel like i'm not the please don't do that in real life i can't i can listen on the phone but in in personally in

real life it's exhausting i just realized that my phone doesn't have the headphone jack for the old headphones duh you're in a different bracket bitch i know because i'm looking at your phone and i'm like how is she charging in her headphones shut up this is what the impoverished people do okay i'm like this is what the low rent motherfuckers yeah you got that third world country phone yeah wow you're such a bitch okay so what we learned today is that you need to when somebody invites you to lunch you need to um let them speak also unless you're paying for a whole check in which case oh i don't have anything to say oh yeah that i'm here for you yeah i mean that's why you pay for lunch you're paying for somebody's time did this mutual friend

pay for no we split it we split it right down the middle you split the check but not the time yeah we're out of time we'll see you next week yeah that's crazy it was actually nuts and i mean i haven't called since because i was just like i think you've gotten out everything you need to say it right okay well Sydney what you need to get off your chest friend we got a couple minutes

it's for the Patreon oh okay alright for the paying customers yeah yeah they gotta pay $20 if they wanna hear that conversation

wow friend yeah I love that you think that you're you're what you're going through is worth $20 of the listeners money

I didn't give this fucking people a year of all of my business for the low price of $5 this is true we can rack it up

to $20 I mean I'm not gonna raise it to $20 you leave what you feel like you can afford who the fuck are you you just called my iPhone 6S fucking

I'm not even gonna say what you said what it was but whatever it's fine I was kidding but it sounds like you wanted to get something off your chest so like you have the floor friend before we introduce the guest I don't wanna say cause you never know who's listening we have to be better at that we have to be better at the pod

like we're trying to give you entertainment but people be sliding in our DMs and it's like oh this is about to get real reckless nope so we're gonna be holding back but on Patreon $20 you get to hear everything alright speaking of being real reckless our guest today

very funny comic very sexy comedian one of our tallest friends how tall are you? 6'5 oh my god you're taller than Andrew The tall, gay, sexy intern. Andrew, how tall is he?

Not tall enough, honey. I'm ready to swap you in, Andrew. I'm ready to cheat on you, Andrew. Oh, my God. She's going to take his fries. He is our divorce expert. Give it up for Zach Teague. Yeah, Teague.

Zach Teague. I'm clapping for myself. Six five. What's up? That's beautiful. Were you like a long baby? I was a short, stubby baby. My mom called me Tun Tuns.

Tun Tuns. Sometimes, because I would walk around and sit on people. Aw. Well, like little kids. I would push them down. Oh, you were a bully. You were Angelica. I was a bully.

I was Angelica. You were the gay Angelica. Yeah, I was the gay Angelica. Can they do a cartoon with a gay Angelica? Why not? Angelica is now a full-blown grown bully that's a lesbian. She's femme, though. No.

No, why not? I think Angelica would be butch. You think so? Because Cynthia, the doll, was the femme one. Yes, yes, yes. she at least has like just this half buzz other side

long half buzz you could tell yes yes yes yes yes I know I know but I just I still feel like Angelica would have

a low cut and the girl she was with she would like carry her like a doll like Cynthia yes like on her side yeah like

like Queen Latifah in Set It Off yes she had the cornrow straight back and her girlfriend was like that very femme

that didn't speak very femme yeah she didn't have a single line in the movie yeah and I feel like you could tell Angelica is butch

the way she maintained her doll it was like you're not doing her hair curls were barely on she's like bald she's got patches that's what it was

patches of hula hands all over her head the doll had psoriasis it's a mess alopecia yes whatever Kim Zolciak has that's a fun drag name

alopecia alopecia give it up for alopecia we could do that have like Zach would be our drag queen? Yeah.

I can't walk in heels. Absolutely not. Well, you got a big foot. No, I look like Bambi when I try to skate on ice. Your knees just start hitting each other. Yeah. Well, we got to get it together. Get you some classes, boo.

If you could teach me. Oh, I could barely walk in heels. That's a lie. That's a lie. The lie. She's actually just like she gets carried on, placed on stage, and then stands there Yeah, Sydney is our Mariah Carey. They just like move her.

She's Ariana. They just like carry her places. No. Sydney you used to stand in heels at work for hours and I always looked like I was like did you walk to Selma and back why are you so defeated are you wearing Jessica Simpson heels

I was so defeated such a stressful time enough about me more about you Zach now Zach where are you from my love I'm from San Antonio Texas that's how they say Texas Texas yes

San Antonio Texas I wouldn't even have thought that i thought you were from like greenwich connecticut oh my god everyone always think that they're like hello mr westchester yeah no i grew up like in san antonio texas my mom's puerto rican my dad's white wait your mom is puerto rican my mom's puerto rican my rosie perez bitch the more you know at the unofficial expert she's puerto rican i told someone that the other day they're like but that's not an ethnicity that's a nationality and i was like Who the fuck told you that? Somebody who has trill mix in their fucking knapsack?

Shut the fuck up. Granola. Yeah. Those bars that you bite and they just disintegrate. It's called crumbs everywhere. That's what that should be fucking called. Your mother's Puerto Rican. What's her first name?

Sadie. Sadie. She's half white. So she's half white, half Puerto Rican. That's why they were dragging you. That's why they were dragging you. They were like, perro, no. Yeah.

But her mom was from Puerto Rico. It don't matter though. Once she gets a half. But your mother is first-generation Puerto Rican-American, is what you're saying? It's all washed out. First-generation Puerto Rican-American. Say something in Spanish. La clase de matemáticas es muy difícil.

That's all I know. That's all you know. Exactly. That's what you would know. And then, cállate, because my mom would tell me to shut up all the time. Yeah, which is like, shh. Are you an only child? No, I'm not.

I have one full sister, a half-sister. You got a lot of motherfucking halves going on. A lot of halves. Yeah, a half-sister and then two step-siblings. Step-siblings? That sounds intense. Step-siblings. Step-siblings.

I step on them. But now, how old were you when you got these step-siblings? Well, I've had other step-siblings before because my dad remarried again. Your dad is... My dad is playing... He's a firefighter. He just sticks it wherever he can get it. Oh, your dad's sexy?

You have a photo of him? Can we see? Yeah, we want to see. Well, you're hot. You said your mother's Puerto Rican. You're hot. You said your mom is Puerto Rican But your dad is giving me

Puerto Rican energy Well my mom So my mom obviously Hates my dad He's giving Haitian energy as well What's Haitian energy? Haitians don't be cheating Oh my father

My father They'll have whole ass families Haitians don't cheat I heard Bermudians cheat a lot Is that a thing? Bermudians? Bermudians I think anybody from the islands

They take They do things different Yeah they're very lax They're lax The palm trees I have to dig for a photo actually Oh because you don't really Fuck with your dad like that?

No my dad and I We fuck should we cut that out no leave it in that's the name of the episode I'll fuck my dad

I'll fuck my dad expert no yeah that's it we just don't take a lot of photos together like him and I

aren't like we don't need you in the photo just the photo of your dad I'm gonna find one your dad is not on Facebook

yeah I mean it don't need to be on Instagram you don't have anything in the he's on Facebook I feel like your dad is a type

cause he's got different profiles too show us show us the burner profile that was at the hose i know he's got the one that he has for his like tinder here we go here we go here we go here we go here we go he doesn't know how to fucking smile though jesus no that's a lot of men though they don't know how to take photos they'll like size weird that's with my stepmom oh your dad looked like he's a nigga in public he's a trump supporter yes he looked like it that that's a fireman that's a fireman that's like a fire chief maybe oh yeah he is he don't have a firefighter body or nothing he's in charge of the like andrew gave the phone right back he's like wouldn't fuck your dad name is

Troy? That is the whitest name. And his middle name is D. D-E-E. Troy D. Troy D-T. Just a made up middle name. T-D-T? T-D-T. T-D-T-T-T. Come on,

Troy. Wow. Yikes. Okay, so your mom is first generation Puerto Rican American. Yes. Your dad, full white Republican, Trump voting white man. Is he from Boston? No, also from Texas. He grew up in a small town called um texas chainsaw texas chainsaw massacre texas

no what is it lake worth lake worth texas slash azle these are the places that i visited growing up and here you are looking flawless and greenage like thank you yeah it's not where you're from it's like where you are emulates So it's what I emulate, yes. So what is it like growing up in Texas as a young, ton-ton gay child? I mean, listen, it's hard. It's really, really hard.

San Antonio itself is like a very diverse area. We have a lot of like Mexican-Americans and we have a lot of black people. A lot of black people. What's a lot for you? A cute amount. A lot. I went to a predominantly non-white school.

Okay, so you don't know how to read. But still, I don't know how to read. Marie, yikes. I don't. I can read Braille. Wow. I can't. I was like, ooh, you're international.

I got a woman. You meet men and you hold their wrists to see if they're sexy. Is that a Ray joke? Yeah. A Ray Charles. We do that. We do that. We do a lot of Ray Charles jokes.

He's a sexist. Well, he's blind. What did you expect? no dudes got him his drugs and women gave him all those extra babies he had oh yeah i'm trying listen if you're a man that's like you got y'all you can't see shit and you're just touching everything yeah you're gonna be sexist that's how it works it's like what else it's like hooking up in the dark yeah right you don't know nothing you never yeah i mean have you been to a gay club uh yeah that's how you that's how you pick who you're gonna pick up is that how you pick that's

not too soft yeah are you trying to tell us that you don't have a type i don't have a type what i don't i swear but don't you have a man i don't have a man oh i'm a product of divorce i'm fucked i don't have a man let's get into it how does divorce affect the gays i mean you mean just affect children you mean no i was the gays the gays the male gays because i feel like So a lot of my friends, I have a lot of gay friends, obviously. Good for you. A loud, mean black person. I'm a loud, mean black person.

How many gay friends do you have, Marie? No, but what I'm saying is most of my male gay friends that I have, they don't want to be in a relationship. One, one friend that I have that's gay is like actively trying to get into a relationship. Shout out to Greg. Hey, Greg. No, I was talking about Mateo. Oh. Because he's like, oh, I want a boyfriend.

He's busy, though. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. but everybody else no greg greg is a hostess don't do that hey greg but uh so being a child of divorce i don't think like a lot of those people come from two parent homes and they're not looking for relationships anyway i think my thing was like i would cling on to whatever was provided to me so i was kind of like a serial serial monogamist i wanted to be different than what my parents were you know i wanted to like find something and make it work so i would like meet a guy and be like oh my god i'm in love with you and he'd be like who are you yeah sorry um

like who are you get away from me but um and then you add on being gay right and then there's like a level of commitment because people are i mean gay people were like adolescents in terms of our sexuality so we're just fucking fucking fucking fucking trying to figure it out trying to figure it out and so no one wants to be with each other and then add being a comedian uh and then you don't want to be in that pool you don't want to be in that pool that is actually it's like you don't know what you're doing and you don't have money uh girl we don't have time whenever i go on dates and i tell someone i'm a comedian they're like wait so are you depressed i'm like i'm depressed that's in this applebee's i am how do you know i go to applebee's

you gave us that energy like after 10 p.m energy no no he feels happy hour he feels happy hour listen i actually love chilies and i've been to jersey a few times just to go to I've never been to Chili's. I don't go to Chili's. Let's go after this. We're better than that. Honey Chipotle Chicken Christmas. She's got an ex, and I have an ex-adjacent.

You have an ex? No, she's saying my phone is an ex. Oh, ex. Mine's an ex as well. And mine's adjacent, because it's next to y'all's. Yeah, what is your charger doing over there? Is that yours, or is that? It is the pod's charger.

Okay, good. I was worried. What is it doing? It's your charger, isn't it? No. Something's growing out of it. And you can't be from that part of Texas and judge me. Okay, you're right.

You're right. So, come together now. I was like, oh, there he is. Right now. Over me. So, wait. When did your dad first get divorced? Okay, so my mom and my dad divorced on the day of my fifth birthday party.

Fuck! At the party? They were bickering, bickering, bickering, and then we got home, and I was playing with one of, like, my little puzzles that I got for my birthday, and then they- Puzzles? Puzzles, yeah. We didn't have a lot of money. Yeah, but somebody gave you a puzzle for your birthday?

I can't remember what kind of puzzle it was but they were arguing it's the free puzzle you get in a Happy Meal it was the one that had the six giant pieces and you were like

it's not enough corner pieces you're like oh my god okay so but how long have your parents been together

they married when they were 18 that's well it's doomed it's doomed anybody who gets married that early it's like it's not gonna work

you need time to be a hoe yeah and not even just a hoe just figure out yourself who are you you don't know who you are no and then my mom followed him to england and then they hated each other trapped in england and then they

popped out two kids and then they got divorced after what being married maybe like 10 years that's a long fucking time to be with somebody you hate them they don't like each other and they would listen to this and agree today they'd be like okay yeah okay so they got divorced they get they got divorced on you know they argued and decided that was like the day that was like the police showed up because they're arguing and i was like oh they're coming to see me for my birthday okay so then was it like a friendly divorce no it was bad like Puerto Rican yeah she's she half Puerto Rican short fuse my mom she'll find something to be pissed about and she'll just everything is you'll walk into a room and you're like why is everything turned over yeah

and your dad is a Trump supporter so hello I know you can't mix those two together my mom will freak the fuck out and then five seconds later and she'll be like who wants to go to the movies

ah bipolar she's crazy I love it a little bit un poquito un poco un poco

yeah she would be yelling that's like sit the fuck down you're ungrateful and then like the phone would ring and she'd be like hello she'd be like yes yes

yes hello y todo y todo que hora es this is all the Spanish that we know you know more than me so far

Que hora es means what time is it? Okay, exactly. Time for you to learn some Spanish. Desayuno? Desayuno? Desayuno? That's breakfast. Yes.

Ay. What is it? Desayuno. I thought you said just so you know. No. Then I was like, disarono? Wow. Yeah.

I'm ready to sours. Okay, so they separated. You have a sister. No, I have sister. That's from my mom's remarriage. Okay, so she got remarried. How long after? because now she's 27 28 so my my mom got remarried when i was like 10 okay so you were kind of you

were very conscious like you knew what the fuck was going i was knew what was going on well and my parents got divorced they separated they started dating other people they were like men showing up they were like because again they got married at 17 so they were like they would put us to bed and fuck you know what i mean other people just cycling them in wow but you had two homes This is before Tinder, sis. Yeah, my dad lived in a tiny little apartment. Oh, so it wasn't a home. It wasn't a home.

Yeah, because they got divorced. My mom got to keep the house. They got apartments? Wait, they got apartments in Texas? I had no idea. I thought everything was bigger in Texas. Doorman. No doorman.

No doorman. No doorman. I love that your mom got to keep the house. She did. It's a 1,000 square foot home, but very tiny. Is it a home? Can we go? It's not a trailer?

It's a cabin. It's a split level. It's a cafe. It's a cafe. It's a bistro. Bistro. A bistro full of love. Wow.

Me love. So she got married. But is that weird? Because I feel like when you have kids and you're trying to date, first of all, if a dude tells me he got kids, I dry up immediately. Just dry. But that's you, Marie. There's some people who've already been through all of that and they're like, I guess I'll

take a grown ass kid. Listen, my mom is hot, hot, hot. Let me see a picture of you. Pulled up a picture of your dad But it was of Troy D Yeah If someone saw my mom Like

She was like I have 12 kids They'd be like Okay I don't give a fuck Oh hi mom She's hot She's cute Yes

I did like this picture Yeah Look how good she looks She's Aw mom I do love a hot mom Can I She's a Maxinista

Wait can Are you trying to send yourself the photo No I'm just trying to look at her pictures Oh she got Oh she likes wine Oh yeah She one of those moms Yeah

Her Instagram is WhyNotWithSadie. Follow her. Oh, come on, Sadie. I'm going to follow her. We're going to shout her out. Sadie, we fucks with you heavy. So who do you look like? You don't think I look like her? No. You are your dad.

It's probably my dad since I look mostly white. She looks Puerto Rican. She looks like she should speak more Spanish than she does. Yeah. I know people be mad when they come up to her to ask her something in Spanish and she be like, I don't

yeah she'd be like ask my maid they'd be like sis you're not the oh okay cool and then

so your dad's in the apartment he's still are you spending time there once a week so I got to be with my dad Wednesdays and every other weekend so y'all were friends

that wasn't your dad y'all were pals exactly it's kind of fucked up I mean we were pals good good pals that's why

he would talk to you like one of the buds at the pub you know He didn't know me So I was screwing Julie So I'm banging her right He was engaged to a Julie

Look at that Troy's and Julie's Married again Engaged Broke off engagement And then married another woman Can you trust your dad in a relationship No

Now yes He has been with my current stepmom for like 15 years They're like madly in love How old is your dad About to be 50 next month Oh wow You've been alive for a long time, friend. Yeah, 25.

You're 25? I'm 25. How old do you think I was? What year were you born? 93. Ah, same. Wow. Nice, girl.

Shut the fuck up, Marie. I'm going to put that in my phone. 93. And you graduated from high school in? 2011. Yes, cute. 2011, Marie. You as well, right?

Of course. Well, I graduated 2010 because I was accelerated. Oh, my God. Wait, how old did you think I was? No, you give me, maybe because he's tall, you thought he was older? No, I'm just thinking about all these numbers and all this time. There's a lot of math happening here. Yeah, so much math.

I was like, so he at least got to be 32. Hey! I got 30 the other day, though, and then David Goldberg thought I was 23. Well, he trying to fuck. He trying to bang you. Oh, clearly. He trying to climb that tree. He trying to get in.

He's like, so... Do you have a spot for me at the Knit? Yeah. being your asshole you can't go shout out to david we love you he listens to the pod we love um okay so now what does that mean you were able to like get away with stuff like because it seemed like your dad was relaxed and your mom was out just trying to like live her life i yeah i mean i was a pretty i was a pretty chill kid i guess i could get away with a lot though like mostly in college i would work the money system like hey mom i need money

for books and then she'd be like do you need do you did you ask your dad i'd be like yeah he said no but then he actually said yes so i was like fun like you were and they don't really speak so no they don't speak so but they found out one day at my sister's softball game talk to us what happened what happened they were just pissed at me they're like no more money you have to get a job i mean like every other week they were both giving me a hundred dollars what that's not a lot of money In college, I had no money. That's a lot of money. Yeah, that's $200 a week.

I had two jobs in college. You did? Yeah, I did. I worked at Victoria's Secret at the mall, and then I was working at the alumni to get money for the school. The bursar. Oh, the bursar. You would call people, and then people would always be pissed off at you.

No, no, no, no. I racked in a lot of numbers. They loved me. They promoted me. I was able to get money. They promoted you, and then you didn't have to go to school no more. Oh, no, no, no. They promoted you right out of school.

They promoted me, and then they kicked me out. It was crazy. Hey, Clark, love you. You're like, I don't want to be a student anymore, but can I keep my job? Where'd you go to school? Clark University in Massachusetts. I've never heard of it. Massachusetts.

I went to a – that wasn't shade. I went to a small school, too. No one's heard of my school. I don't even know where you're from, sir. Yes, you do. I just told you. Yeah, I heard you. lake grove texas lake grove lake worth lake worth grove worth nothing texas nothing worthless texas

that's where he's from now are you somebody who has like a lot of texas pride because i feel like okay no absolutely not you don't give a damn about texas i don't give a fuck about texas i really don't so when did you get to new york i four years ago i love it here so much it feels like a million years though yeah well because you in washington You far I'm in Washington Heights I schlepped down here I drank

10 cups of coffee for you Washington Heights honey Okay so you wanna go You wanna get something to eat after If you wanna Yeah you wanna go Uptown Go get something to eat

Oh not uptown Yeah let's go Honey We can get some of Fongo No no no no I was thinking I was talking about Right around the corner

What's around the corner Shake Shack Shake Shack Shake Shack Yum Y'all don't have that In Washington Heights We don't

We have McDonald's You wanna You wanna Shake Shack after this Oh, on the company card? Since he's the producer. Is that Air Max business card? You are promoted to chef and producer. Wait, wait, Zach.

Zach, important question. Have you seen your dad have sex? Yes. Are you saying yes because it happened more than one time? This is a part of how I found out he was dating my stepmom. Okay. So my stepmom was my second grade teacher. Gasp.

This is a novella. She was my second grade teacher. And so. I mean, teachers have sex too. Yeah. When I was in the third grade, I heard like a pound, pound, pound, pound from my room. I was scared. I was scared.

So your dad was wearing it out. He was going for it. Your dad was trying to get that extra credit. I know. I'm with him one time a week, and then he brings this lady over the one night. The one night. Well, that means all the other nights he was having orgies in the apartment. He's a porn producer.

He was just trying to make sure you stay in the school. Yeah, he was trying to give me good grades. He was looking out for me. He's actually a good dad. But you were done with that grade. I was done. I was done with that grade. And then I go knock on my dad's door because I'm hearing this scary bumping noise.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you get there. You got to be there Wednesday all day? well like if it's after school yeah yeah yeah so yeah that means your dad sent you to bed and then snuck the second grade teacher in and then you heard the noise that's how i remember i could be wrong maybe she came over for like a little bit of barbecue or something i don't know which one is it zach your dad is i feel like that is a stunt your dad would pull absolutely oh he's just throwing a couple ribs

on a barbecue he marinates it in coke in cocaine no oh my god come on he's a firefighter

Coca-Cola what kind of dad is he I was like in coke and then I was like man I want to try these cocaine ribs

they might be real savory me it's real tender right it falls right off the bone yeah and into your nose

yep my gum's very numb after that okay so okay so you knock on the door i knock on the door my dad answers the phone and i see miss vasquez so i'm calling her that has a type he's got a thing he got a type for the latinas strictly likes latinas but not but not in his country build that wall thank you thank absolutely he said the only walls he's getting into is their walls yeah the pussy walls yeah okay so you knock

on the door do you want to build a snowman your dad opens the door he opens it wide enough that you can see yes you're like y'all doing homework here let me get my composition notebook my dad my dad goes i was like what is miss vasquez doing here and he goes um miss vasquez just came over to help me make the bed ah which is another layer of racist But you're like, it's late. Now that I think about it. You're like, it's another layer of racism. Your dad was trying to get his maid in Manhattan on.

You knocking on the door all nosy. Her name is actually Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, it's J-Lo. You're knocking on the door mid-stroke. You are cock-blocking your dad. Now, your dad comes to the door. I can't with your father. What's wrong with him?

We love him, though. Is he butt naked? No, he's like. Your dad looks like he keeps his white tee on. No, no, he has a sheet. He grabbed the sheet and had it tied around his waist. Yeah, you could see his V. Yeah, he was sparkling in the moonlight.

His Spider-Man V. Yeah, I handed him a towel. You were in third grade when this happened. I was in third grade, and I didn't think a lot of it. I was just kind of excited, because I loved my second grade teacher. So I was like, go. So did your dad. Yeah, your dad.

Y'all had something in common. Well, I was in trouble a lot in second grade, because I had ADHD. I was really hyper. Okay, so he was just trying to work off the bad name he gave him. So he wouldn't give me my medicine, so I was bad at school. He wouldn't give you your medicine? He wouldn't give me my medicine So I would be bad at school

So he could come to school So he can come inside Yeah, exactly So he can come to school Yeah, so he could come in a school This is so much drama It's real life But we live a very happy life now

Wait, wait, wait And that's the end of the podcast Did you and your dad's bedroom share a wall? Well, we shared a room I'm just kidding I was like, oh, y'all are real Puerto Rican Yeah, he was under the bed no actually my dad didn't live in an apartment at this time anymore he lived he lived in a small

house like maybe like 10 miles away from my mom now that i remember and miss vasquez vasquez vasquez what did you picture her did she say she was just like did she say hi zachary from the bed well and i went to school the next day and told everyone of course you run i loved her she's the best you're like miss my mom i loved her so much my mom used to send me to school with flowers for Miss Vasquez. It stopped immediately after this. Nah, your mom was hooking up with Vasquez too. You think she was in there? Yeah. Gross.

Tresum? I pretend my mom just doesn't know how to get it. Tresleches? What is happening? So you never caught your mom in the act? I've never caught my mom. I've seen my mom's bush. Sadie!

You doing an 80s style over there? Yeah, of course. I mean, yes. But I've never seen her. She would never allow that to happen okay good mom yeah because that's what moms do dads are reckless dads do crazy messy stuff they do crazy shit wait can i see a picture of your stepmom oh yeah she was in the picture she was in the picture with my dad i need a face with for miss vasquez vasquez wow so wait so that's who's he's with now but he had another they love each oh it's so disgusting oh she's so cute they strictly call each other baby oh i like her not babe but baby baby

I like her. She's amazing. I love her so much. Them streaks she got? Yeah, those little highlight streaks. She has a little bit of a J-Lo energy in this photo. She knows what's up. Little Ms. Lopez, Ms. Vosquez.

I like her. Yeah, she's pretty, right? I feel like she knows how to cook, too. Yeah, red beans and rice? Because usually the stepmoms don't be knowing how to pull through. She can cook, but it's not like extravagant meals. She'll do like a casserole or something? Yeah, she'll do like barbacoa.

Do you know what that is? No. What is it? A cow head? You put the head of the cow in the crock pot. No, I don't want it. No, I don't want it. Sure, sure.

Okay, finish the recipe. You put it in the crock pot. You put it in the crock pot. With what? Just some seasoning, some salt, some pepper, and then you wake up in the morning and it all grows a little bit. That is very stepmom-ish, though. It's like, ah, we're just going to throw the head in there.

We're going to throw the head in there and put a little salt and pepper. Real lazy. Come on now, Vasquez. So is that how crockpots work? You put them on and then you go to bed? Have you never used a crockpot? No. They're amazing.

My mother does not use a crockpot. They're so good. Rice cooker. My mother cooks everything from scratch. She cooks it herself. Really? My mother can cook. Dang.

She can. Wait, when are we going to Long Island? When are we going to Long Island? You're from Long Island? No, I am not. I don't know who Sydney is talking to. You're from Westchester? You're from Greenwich?

When am I going to see mom? I don't know, friend. soon maybe that sounds delicious she wants to make ribs soon my mother said and people keep asking my mother for

very specific things that they like that she cooks and she says tell them to send me my money if you want ribs you gotta send her

ribs money mom your daughter's making money now so she's got the money for me and I also did not ask for ribs I mean I'll eat them

but if we got my mother a crock pot she would use it as a doorstop she would use it literally to plant flowers

Oh, my God. She'd be like, well, Home Depot was having a sale on these little trees. Yikes. I put it in that pot you gave me, and we'd be like, oh. Yeah, my mother's not. So when your parents first got divorced, how devastated were you? I just didn't know what was going on, really. Because they don't explain anything.

Yeah, you're just like, this is my life now. And then I had to go to therapy all the time. Are you still in therapy? No. I actually need to go back. I haven't been in therapy since I was like six Because at the same time that They got divorced I was diagnosed with ADHD

So I was like in therapy every week Like talking about divorce And I was like I don't know what the fuck is going on You're like divorce What is Debois W-E-B Debois Yeah exactly

It is weird that they sent you to therapy For the divorce Or for the ADHD I think it was both They had good health care You had a firefighter father. They're going to give you blue cross, blue shield. They're going to make sure you write.

That's top shelf insurance right there. Absolutely. Even if you didn't need to see a therapist, you probably didn't even have ADHD. They probably threw it on there because they were like, well, he might as well just go in there. They're like, he might also be dyslexic. It doesn't matter.

Therapy. Yeah, because I don't think they send people. They want kids to sit still for an hour of therapy because they have ADHD? like that feels wrong it was like i don't know what it was but you had to like go to have like follow-ups like how's your medication going like do we need to up it like they kept upping my medication and then there's one point where like my medication was too high so i started pulling out my hair on this so i have a little bald spot right here really and this but like you know it's just

Wait, you have a bald spot? Yeah. And I'm balding. Let me see. Let's see. It was a divorce, baby. Oh. I see.

But it's fine. It's a look. It's fine. It's a look. See, when you take your hat off, I'm like, maybe he not 25. How dare you? He might be 35. I've never seen you without your hat.

It changes the game, doesn't it? What are you doing in the summertime? What you doing with your hair? It looks good. It's like I have a good nice fade. It's very short. A white man with a fade? Never heard of it Yes you have

Yes you have We appropriated it I'm sorry He goes to the Dominicans for a shape up He's like make it fade Into the beard In Washington Heights In Washington Heights

Work Selena Selena's here She's from Texas we have the same birthday April 16th baby Oh it's coming up I was listening to her today I could fall in love Can we have a theme party?

Can you do Salinas? A theme party? Will y'all come? Yeah What day of the week is that? We're gonna have my birthday party At the next house party I already did

You fucked it up man Damn You can still come You can make an appearance The 16th is a Tuesday It is That's why we're not doing anything Maybe go to Bear Burger

I don't know Damn I mean I feel like this episode Has to come out Before your birthday Or after your birthday It's gonna be after your birthday Okay

It's gonna be after my birthday So happy birthday Well everyone wish me A happy birthday Now In the comments And for the rest of the year Please

Can you tag him And be like Happy birthday Feliz cumpleaños Sydney you know A lot of Espanol Yeah you do I went to Cuba baby

That don't mean nothing For how long I went there It was like a Sister school program So I had A host family Yes but how long

Were you there I was there for like Over a week Oh my god So much happened You came back changed Oh yeah Cause they thought

I was Cuban and then they were like oh this bitch don't know nothing we got lost so many times because I wouldn't say anything

because I was like if they know that I'm American they're going to try to like scam me so I would say a little bit of Spanish and I had like braids

so they were like oh she's she's that black you know the black Cubans and they almost kicked me out of the cabs a couple times

because they were like you live here you're not supposed to take a cab you're supposed to walk walk your black ass you and your braids gotta go

yeah They were like, come on, Moesha. Let's go. Chop, chop. So what are you doing for your birthday? Well, nothing. That's not a very spicy answer. I don't plan on doing anything.

I plan on doing a show. I have a show. That's very like a birthday. You know what I mean? You probably go to dinner and then celebrate it on the 22nd. On the 22nd. On the 22nd. Yeah, for a house party.

I'm not big on birthdays. I'm really not. So I never tell other people happy birthday. Work. Make it all about you, bitch. Yeah. I like forget, and then I forget, like, oh, no, maybe I should be a little more mindful and, like, tell people happy birthday, because I don't care about my birthday.

Oh, that's what it is. You know what I mean? Like, I'm losing my, like, I can't be happy about that. You know what I mean? You saw, you were traumatized. I'm going to send you a happy birthday. A wig? Like, a little toupee?

A little kitty cat wig, yeah. Like, the Crypt Keeper without a hat on. Honestly, though, you have so much face that it's fine. Yeah, you have a great face. Yeah, it's beautiful. Don't stop. you're tall yeah

keep going what else and you're like slim yeah and I have a big dick and you got a big dick on a slim Andrew

we'll talk about it at Shik Shok Shik Shok Shik Kok we'll make you pull it up we'll make you pull it up yes but I feel like I feel like

Andrew's type is not is not a white man then what he likes a little bit of like spice a very Uber driver what does spice mean

what does that mean So like an other. A check other. Not a white person, not a black person, but like an other. I'm seeing an Italian guy right now, like directly from Italy. So very hairy, very loud. Andrew, I'm hairy. I am.

Do you want to see? Yeah, let us see. I mean, that's like a light buzz. I mean, y'all could have a one night stand. You never know. Y'all could hook up. Y'all could hook up. That's a light buzz.

That's because I trim it. It looks like your head on top of your head. I know. If it would have just went up there, I look like Chewbacca. though a little bit when I take my shirt off Andrew likes like a

communication and not really be going on so that's why you're Italian an Italian dude how are y'all gonna speak to each other

no no he is very very thick I can't understand thick thick the dick everyone said thick

ow that's why you're sitting down he's sitting cause he's working don't do that no his butt Andrew said

Andrew said He don't need you looking at his ass while he at work. What you not about to do is have us call HR. Meanwhile, Zach's about to pull his dick out. He's like, well, I'm sick, dude. We just all start comparing genitals. Yeah. I put my dick on the table.

This whole room go dark. I left my dick in the drawer. You forgot to bring my dick. You ought to jump on the J train to get your dick. I got a lot of transfers to get that dick, so no thanks. You're going to swipe two cards and a bus. He's sweating. Yeah.

It's all that dick talk. Are you thinking about marriage? I would love to be married. I mean, you ain't got nobody right now. No, I'm good. Thank you for reminding me. I went through a traumatizing breakup in the summer. Oh, what happened, baby?

Well, I was just obsessed, and he wasn't. How long were y'all together, though? We were together for like eight months. And you were obsessed? It happens. Obsession happens quick. Look, I was not happy with who I was, so I tried to put my happiness in another person, and it did not end well for me.

Was he a comedian? No, he was not a comedian, but he was a musical theater person, which is worse. oh fuck you it's worse you were going through it he was just like singing Dear Evan Williams songs at the house

Dear Evan Williams sounds I didn't see I didn't see the show she doesn't I feel like I'd be seeing the commercials on YouTube

oh my gosh but yeah it broke my heart because you know you know you break up with someone you're like wait who am I

what's my schedule like what do I like you know what I mean no eight months no but I'm not one of these people that like

because there are people they get into a relationship and their whole life becomes that relationship. They drop their friends and they're at the person's house all the time and y'all are sharing clothes. Oh, bitch, you talking about me right now? You want to fucking fight? You eat together

and then your friends call you and you'll be like, you'll invite your friend out and then they'll bring their boyfriend or whoever and you'll be like, I thought it was just going to be us. Marie, you love Adrian. I'm not talking about you. Oh my God.

but i have i had a friend in i had a friend in i had a friend you need a moment no do you need a moment you're like when you're talking about me i didn't sound like that bitch you did you sounded just like she stomped her foot and everything i was having a tantrum yeah uh no but i'm saying uh i had a friend in college and every time she got a boyfriend i wouldn't see her until they broke up yeah so you're i was kind i was i was kind of like that i was kind of like that and i would like cancel shows to be with him at night ew yeah you weren't thinking about your career i wasn't that's how i know i love my career because i'll be like adrian gots to go now i'm obsessed with it but i was like i was i mean he wouldn't even have sex with me i was like

staying at home to try to convince him to have sex with me he didn't want to have sex with you no oh well let's unpack that yeah wow your dick was too big for him no he just did it he just that he wasn't I don't know if I should talk you should no you shouldn't no

no Marie don't he has a lot of he has a lot of demons and and it just it came in between us you know

you sound like me demons a lot of demons a lot of how do you say demons in Spanish I don't know um

a coup a diablo diablo no I said a specific person I think it's a demon hi coup I love you

you're the best you don't love a coup I see you on the Instagram stunting You dated the monkey from Aladdin? Oh, my God. Is that what it is?

Oh, his name was Abu. Abu. Now, take that back, Marie. No. We have to cut that. I'm not cutting that out. You called him a demon. I called him a monkey.

The monkey from Aladdin was cute. He had a little vest on. He was cute. And like a harem pant. You better not, guys. He's hot. Wait, did the monkey have on pants? No, that might have been Aladdin.

Aladdin. But he was shirtless, wasn't he? Right. Did you see the live action Aladdin? He too fine for the movie. Did you have a cartoon crush at all growing up? No, Marie likes humans, okay? I don't.

Who was your, was Aladdin your cartoon crush? No, Danny Phantom. Do you know who that is? Yeah, I don't know who that is. The one with the white hair? Yeah. I feel like Aladdin would be Andrew's type, though. Because he's spicy.

Yeah, because he's brown. Because he's spicy. Yeah, I'm mad, though. In the live action, he's wearing a shirt, though. He's covering his body. Well, because his body, yes. But also, so the live action where Will Smith is playing the genie, Jasmine is not pretty enough,

and Aladdin is too good looking, I feel like. And Jafar is like forgettable Yeah The whole movie was about Jafar Right Jafar should be a lot sexier Eyebrows gotta be snatched Oh my god I haven't watched the trailer

I hate live action remakes So you're not gonna see the Lion King live action Well Beyonce's in that so I'm gonna go But that's the reason She's not a good actress Oh my god the hive Marie This is a fact You don't like Obsessed?

I didn't see Obsessed. Oh, my God. But you won't like that movie because you'll be obsessed. I was fucking obsessed. I watched the movie to be like, oh, that's what I can't do in auditions. Also, wouldn't you want to go watch her beat a white person up? That's what she does for the entire movie. It's awesome.

And she does it poorly. I was like, girl, ain't nobody throwing no guts. That's my man. Girl. I was like, ain't nobody fighting like that. Shut up. Yeah, who is the white woman that she's fighting in that movie? I don't know.

It was sponsored by House of Do It All Wrong, and I just couldn't. Darion? That girl. She was like in Final Destination, I think. Ally something. Is that her name? Ally something. Final Destination?

Final Destination. Oh, yeah. She's a big deal. She used to come into my bar all the time. Everybody would go crazy for her. Really? Yeah, yeah. She was a big deal.

If that white woman came into my job, I feel like she looks like other white women, and she also looks like no one at the same time. Wow. Like, I'd be like- Drag her, Marie. I would just be like, do I know her? Ally Lauder. That's what it is.

Lauder. Yeah. Ally Lauder. Yeah. I got it Wow that was good Golly We work well together

We're professionals Oh Whoops What were we talking about Oh you just went through a breakup So what do you look for In a mate In a man

In a man Who's your dream Man Not Danny Phantom But who's Who's like your Celebrity crush If you will

My celebrity crush Is oh I'm not gonna like it I already feel it I'm already against it What are you talking about? What is his name? I'm just blanking on his name right now

He's the really hot singer He's like boyish looking I already don't like him Shawn Mendes Shawn Mendes He's so hot Producer, you're supposed to be looking us up I know what Shawn Mendes looks like

It's for us though You work with us He said you got an iPhone 6 in your hand You'll like him You'll like him Oh, he looks He's so hot Let me see, Marie

really yeah yeah you don't think so he looks like a child okay in this photo here he put in this photo here he looks like a man yeah like i think he's like 24 24 just a year age different right don't you think he's not andrew he kind of look like you i don't really have a type though i really don't i've dated so many different people i've dated a short mexican i've dated an asian i've dated okay a tall person i've dated i've dated did you almost say a tall nigga did you know don't he was like a tall gaslight me i did not do that i see your dad emerging i've dated my dad i don't discriminate i love everyone that's good

what taller than you my ex-boyfriend was taller than me what how the one that you were obsessed with yeah oh he had a long dick no it was weird looking oh like this water bottle no it was like you know when like it's thin oh and then it's i've had one of those on the top like you can hide it in your mushroom dick like a little umbrella i didn't know dicks could be that yeah they can you were getting that super mario brothers dick I would hop on it I love that you should say that on stage that's yours I'm so glad you're gonna come to this writing session okay we're brainstorming taller than you like six six he Yeah, he was like 6'6".

Maybe like half an inch taller than me. But I just, I don't know. I don't know if I want to see that live. Like if I hang out. What bed were y'all sleeping on? Two California king beds? He had a king bed. He had a king.

He better had had a king bed. And then we would get in bed, and then he didn't like to touch in bed. Did he like you, baby? I don't think so. Well, let's burn it up. Where he live? Washington Heights. Right by me.

We not going to go up there to save you. I'll show you what he looks like. You want to see? Yes. Because I was like, I'm Molotov cocktail. Something like something downtown. Okay. Will you kill him for me?

No, not on the pod. I can't say that on the pod. Off the record. Off the record. Still won't. Oh, wait. His. Oh, God.

His page is private? It's private. Oh, you're a blast, bitch. You're. Oh, and he's covering his face in this. Let me see. I have a picture somewhere. I know you do

Go scroll back You deleted everything He doesn't look tall I got an iPhone X And then I didn't know You have to have iCloud Did you know If you get a new phone

Make sure you have iCloud Because you will lose everything I don't have iCloud Get iCloud But I got memory on this I don't need That's the thing too I don't need 9000 photos

Marie has no problem Just everything gone Really But what about all the contacts She doesn't care All the contacts I love a good I'm sorry who's this

Shut up You don't have any conversations as I'm in right now with numbers that are not saved and they know everything about me and I have no idea who I'm talking to. Somebody messaged me

and sent me the other day and I was like, who is this? How many of those are me? We don't have each other's number. No, I think I have your phone number. Do we? You want me to read it out loud?

If you want. I'm trying to find a picture. Zach, you want to get married. I do want to get married. I'm worried about you because I'm just like, man, there's so much to unpack. It sounds like I'm damaged.

I'm not. I'm good. I'm good. No, I can tell by your pores say you're good you got great i have a skincare routine okay walk us through it we'll go through it do you want morning or night morning morning okay so i wash my face um i put on some vitamin c serum and then i put on some ursa major what is it called moisturizer eye cream in the morning all this before you came to the podcast today absolutely absolutely sunscreen on top of that

Yes. And you've been watching The Heist, so that means you've got to get up two hours before. Oh, I've been up since yesterday. But what's your nighttime routine? Same thing, just minus the sunscreen and some face oil. I don't do any of this. You say you've been up since yesterday? Work meth.

Work meth. Yes, breaking bad. Okay, so what's your dream? What's your wedding? If money was not an issue, what would your wedding be? Would it be destination? Would you be married in Texas? at a ranch. We're not going back to Texas.

We're all going to go to a ranch. I'm going to ride in on a horse. With a saddle or no saddle? No saddle. White horse or a black horse? Mix. A horse with spots? I would have a

chill wedding with maybe close family and then I would have a really big party with my friends. My friends don't go to the wedding, but just a huge reception with my friends here. And you see that here in New York. Yeah. And if I'm doing really well Maybe have like a bi-coastal

Two moments Yeah two moments One here One in LA for industry Do you have a lot of people I'm like Do you have a lot of people In LA

No Just an industry party Yeah it's an industry party Okay now what are you wearing What's the look What's the look Yeah what do you think You want to wear

Maybe ooh I don't know Right now I'm kind of Into Paisley Yikes Let me look that up I know what Paisley is Paisley like flowers

What are we going through That 70s show it looks good on me i've never you don't think so i don't see i feel like i've never seen you not in black yeah i don't feel like paisley goes with that beanie you got oh paisley no but i would have like a nice jacket with like a paisley moment on the inside not like oh on the inside okay i like that i just wanted to trip you up for a second okay so like you're the inside is a will smith's blazer on uh fresh prints is that does he have paisley and probably oh yeah something nice like that barefoot i'm just kidding barefoot on the city street just walking up the courthouse

square right in the middle of time square on those tkts steps just trying to get those book of mormon tickets to your evan williams ticket oh my god um i would like to what have you learned from your parents in terms of relationships because i'm just like i'm not worried about you i'm just like damn did they teach you anything how to how to win in a relationship how to win how to win i don't think so i think do you feel like that happens in when in divorce the kids they're just like how do i maintain in relationships i think with my dad because truly what my dad does is he follows his heart he really really does that's a very beige man thing to do yeah follow your heart he's following his heart but like he does he wears his heart on

his sleeve um and like he has found the love of his life and now that like and he had to filter through a lot of women but he found someone they're gonna i know they're gonna be together forever and my mom though i don't really want to talk about her marriage because that's a whole thing but my mom has always put us first so she wanted to be like a good mother should right and my dad has too but like my mom in a different way where it's like she wanted to make sure that there was a man in the house that at all which is weird because my mom is the fucking man in the house you know what i mean she wears the pants she wears the pants she makes the money she's a badass but my mom just everything was about us so she wanted to make sure she made like the perfect house that

she could with the little that she had so like she settled really quickly with the man and just wanted to make sure that we had like a fine yeah because she wasn't trying to like have it be a revolving door of dudes right she was she experimented a little she was like this one's cool okay but i think that's a lot of women a lot of women don't want to feel like oh i'm just bringing all anybody in front of my kids i want to make sure that they have some type of stability and dads are like you know just the headboard banging on the wall next to your roof that your dad is my dad is wild but we love him and he just venmoed me so Well he didn't Venmo me

He didn't Venmo us Send him our information He didn't Venmo me We need a separate Venmo for the pod Just so that they can That's smart But what is Venmo? It's tied to an email address?

That means we gotta get an email address? And a bank account? What account is gonna be tied to? I mean we already got the Patreon Yeah that's tied to me That's tied to me Oh my god Zach word uh of what did you learn anything what can you say to people who might be listening and

they're like oh my parents are divorced i'm going through it they're i don't know what to do stay out of it don't pick sides especially if you're an adult because a lot of our friends now like their parents are getting divorced because you know they're like they're out of the house and their parents have been together forever and they're like they get divorced because that happens but like stay the fuck out of it like your parents will use you as pawns but don't let them do it don't listen do your own like just stay the fuck out of it because it gets messy and then your parents are like why you what you like your dad more and like no like just everyone shut up just shut up dad more yeah well he did give he did just venmo me he did just

yeah exactly if you want me to like you too mom just send me some money but what are you would you would pick sides if it if it was something else if it was like my dad cheated him like something like that yeah i would pick i would be like dad you're just keep it in your pants but no that didn't that didn't happen i knew i knew this guy that his mother had an affair and the dad found out and um she was ready to leave them like the mom was ready to leave her her two kids and the husband to be with this dude that was also married right and the dude that was married changed his mind of course they always do yeah he was like nah i'm gonna stay with my family and so the dad found out and they it was this whole thing but he agreed to stay with her he like forgave her

but then he cheated on her and when she found out they got a divorce and they but like the this friend that i had he was he was probably around your age no maybe he was a little bit older but he was like they just fought they've been fighting his entire life and i was like well who do you hate there yeah the dad because he forgave her but then cheated yeah or the mom because for doing it in the first place i was like your parents both trash no you're expecting that's what i don't like about marriage this is what i will say is that you're expected to be with somebody forever when that's not how human emotions work like we're very fickle very irrational but not everybody is like that not everybody's like that but you can't expect situational things to pop up and then for

me to still feel the same way even with family like even if you're my mother or my father or my cousin or whatever if you do something and i'm like oh what yeah if we weren't blood related i would we would be fighting so i don't have to maintain anything with you just because of a a system or because of blood like niggas could get dropped bye yeah you know so who are you dropping in that scenario um i don't i just i feel like i want to be married but i just don't think i should expect my partner aka adrian to be with me forever right you never know what's gonna step out yeah okay so then why not just have an open marriage that's not how taxes work what do you mean i mean get your will will smith and jada on

are they open i mean that's that's been the word on the street for like ever listen if y'all open you can't be broke okay you can't you have to have money to be that open you gotta have enough poor people gotta be close yeah you need to have enough money to take care of that family

and the other family that you're about to have so I don't think I could be in an open relationship I don't like sharing I don't

I don't that's real I couldn't do it my mind would go fucking crazy I'd be like are they better like is that person

better in bed than me which should be highly likely take some classes I think I know what I'm doing but you never Andrew

you want to tell me later you gotta work on your Your stroke self-esteem. Andrew, you want to have him later? Fill out a comment card. On the way out, just drop it in the hat. Drop that comment card in the, you know, at the mitt. At the butt.

At the mitt, yeah. The chocolate starfish. It's just like intimidating how... Attractive he is? Yeah, a little bit. But you're his, you look like his type. Wait, wait, wait. Are you trying to curve him in a night?

Well, you're so hot, so I can't. You're not my type. You're hot. okay look at it y'all see listener y'all heard it here first this is a matchmaking show

unofficial expert of getting you that dick DMs are pissed right now no no no we're not worried let everybody in the DMs see that we have

attractive people in the studio always all the time even if I look like I clean bathrooms for a living right now

you do you don't catch me on the shut up you're insane I gotta go I'm gonna get some food I'm gonna go to shock shock

Zach tell people where they can catch you what night of the month the show is you can catch me at house party at Chelsea Music Hall either the last Monday

or second to last Monday of every month it's the best fucking show it's a beautiful show I was on it and it was it's a sexy venue and then is there a photo

of you in a bathtub on Instagram that was at Littlefield the other night a different show but Marie quit your job so you can come be on the show I mean the job is gonna quit

oh my god shut up But I'm done The show is done In like five weeks So And then I have A little hiatus

And then I may or may not Have a job after that But after that I'm available Okay amazing See And your social media At Zach Teague

Z-A-C-H-T-E-A-G-U-E I can spell babe But now Why are you with Zach With an H What do you mean Would you rather be With a C-K

No I like Zach with an H Thank you That's why I thought You were from Greenwich baby Oh really Yeah Let's just let that be the story.

Ralph Lauren. It feels very Ralph Lauren. Ralph Lauren. Yeah, we're going to cut out all of the things about Texas. Okay. Bye, Zachary. Bye. Thank you for having me.

Shout out to Troy. Forever. Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. for more original podcasts please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you get your podcasts keep up with the latest forever dog news by following us on twitter and instagram at forever dog team and liking our page

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