MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Dog Walker / Debt Expert" with Andrew Colin

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

Get into this episode. Originally we had Andrew Colin on to roast him for being a dog walker. Especially coming from a family that's financially successful. Sydnee actually waited on his brother (who is a great tipper). The episode ends up turning to a real heart to heart because of Andrew's debt & money problems. We talk about nepotism, gambling, and making all the money then losing it. Andrew has a real story that almost makes us cry. Sit back and take notes on how to not mess up your white privilege.Follow our guest: Instagram & Twitter: @andrewtcolinListen to his podcast: The Happy Never After Podcast----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi! Hello, hello! Welcome to the Unofficial Expert Podcast! That was beautiful. I didn't even try to hit the note. I know, with Sydney! Oh, and Maria, we didn't even say our names. Oh, they know who we are. They do. Welcome back to another episode of the Unofficial Expert, where we are your messiest best friends. If you want to hear us be even messier Jump on Patreon where Sydney reveals All of her dark truths And I just go, girl I can't believe you just shared that And if you like comedy And care about comedy

You go to Comedy Hype and slide on over there Get y'all your comedy news I'm so tired Me too It's crazy because I just turned 25 And I can't believe that I'm exhausted the way I am

Your face looks, honestly, are you wearing makeup right now? Just a little bit underneath. Oh, okay. That's the area that I was going to compliment, and that's where the makeup is. Damn, bitch. You can't just be like, you look great. Well, I was going to say you look naturally beautiful, but you just told me you got makeup on, so I know it's enhanced. Just a little bit.

But the area that I was going to compliment is where the makeup is. Okay, because everything else is dry. Barch. Your face needs lube, sis. I didn't want to say I just want a little K.Y. A little Astro Glide on the chin How you doing Marie?

You're looking great Your shoulders are popping Shut up sis Shut up please Your teeth are looking great You're glowing Oh that's a lie Did you get some dick?

Listen sis Maybe I did get some dick Hey Okay 2018 Okay Okay I'm proud of you

Thank you so much Listen I put you In my dreams In my prayers to get whatever you need to get this year, it's there. Okay. And penis is on

the list. Penis is on the prayer list. What else is on the list? You know, securing a bag. Whatever those bags may be. Grocery bags. Trader Joe bags. Securing the clutch. You know, booking a pilot or something. You know, we got some shit

in the works. We're booked and busy in the West. We're definitely going to secure some envelopes. maybe not bags but envelopes sitting i did a show this week and they paid us in these like pretty big manila envelopes and we were like what the hell is in this envelope you know what i thought i was like do we get a grip you know when you get like a stack of i was just a grip i felt it because you know i'm bending the envelope i'm like oh it's a card i'm like probably a card saying like thank you for hosting the show i was like this is gonna be terrible i said this is a hard

ass grip i thought i still thought it was money i thought it was a card like a thank you card from ifc we opened it i was like i thought it was you know how you flip the money and it was just like a thicker like a thicker like they folded like a crisp tubman yes that's what i thought um but when i saw that gift card and i saw that number but then i was like because you know you see a gift card and you see the number but you got to see what type of gift card it is because it could have been like a like a like a home depot gift card or something then i'm stuck at home depot Who the fuck would do that? I don't know, but I'm saying you got to look at the...

It was a Visa. I mean, I do hand out Applebee's gift cards for $25. I do do that. I've done it for Christmas a couple times. You're doing the Lord's work. That's a good gift. You don't want a chicken fajita. You don't want that sizzling thing that come out at Applebee's.

That hot thing that they're like, careful, it's hot. And you're like, yeah, we all watched you bring this burning ass crock pot or whatever the hell they put it in. It's just like steaming peppers. It's some beef, but mainly peppers. It's mad fucking peppers And onions The onions are

The thing that's making that Snap crackle pop sound It's just It's just steaming Vegetables That's it You can actually What do you

What do you call it When you get one of those Masks I don't know what you're saying Like a spa mask Yeah something like that But you put your face over the thing And you can open your pores up

And then you open your mouth And shove peppers in it Yeah yeah yeah It's a two in one You're a mess Yeah So um Marie what were you

An expert in this week Honestly Were you on your knees? No, sis. I was not. I see you looking at my little black knees. I am looking at your knees. Let me just Queen Elizabeth my leg.

Just turn them to the side. I was an expert at being a good Samaritan this week. Let me tell you what happened. Last night. So I had a show last night, right? Met somebody for a drink, right? I had just gotten a little bit of money. So I was like, I'm going to get the first round because I knew he was going to get all the other rounds, right?

I had just 20 bucks. I paid $20, right? and then that doesn't even sound like you i know sis i was honestly i was like is this is this me in 2018 you must be happy you're happy as fuck sis uh i was hungry i was probably a little bit delusional right so we drank a little bit we went to this other bar we went and got food blah blah blah i'm on my way home who is this guy sis you don't want to know about him he's not he's not the person that you want me to be with he's beige he's beige so that's why sis i just you saw me trying to jump over that and skip it you don't care you don't want to hear this so but that's

not what i'm telling you about so i'm walking home i'm walking to the train and there's this girl this like young chick like crying in front of like a raid aid or something and you know i don't care it's late i'm like this might be a this is set up yeah that's what you do there's such a new yorker you like those are not real tears this is a trap i was like that's that's the Broadway actor that's falling on hard times I was like next so I'm walking but she was like a young black chick I'm in a good mood I probably was a little bit drunk I'm like sis what's up how many wings did you have bitch sis I didn't have wings I had some meatballs I had some some mac and cheese I had some like pickled something you know they make gold beets did

you know this yeah that beets don't only come red yeah yeah you non-eating vegetable ass Sydney was that bitch yeah i didn't know that before i met you i have green in my life so that's a damn lie i said funny i said green i didn't say greens okay i'm like i feel like the last time i saw you eat a vegetable was um continue continue hold on let me take a sip of water hold on yeah feel the feel the silent uh space so she's like she she was like i need a plan b they won't let me buy it because i'm too young and i was like oh that's horrible she was like can you please can you she was like i have the money can you please i was like sis what what time is it she need to get that baby out right now what time since you don't have any stairs in your

building you can just throw yourself down you could just skydive off of you can a hot malta i heard hot malta um kills the baby what about cold malta i love hot it has to be hot that sounds gross yeah that's why the baby be like kill myself anyway anyway anyway me i go in i'm at the door y'all got plan b here just shouted it into because it ain't yours because it's not mine if i had to if i had to go in and get a plan b for myself i'd be like uh excuse me can you just read the text on my phone uh i yelled f4 4999 oh it went down what did it used to be i feel like was like 52 oh sis come on come on come on it was like 52 no no no no no 52 75 but i went on uh i went online to see like how much it costs other places at target it's 39.99 you're like

girl you should amazon prime this put it on your wish list bitch you don't have prime swiss swiss anyway i got this little girl uh plan b uh shout out to her i hope uh she listened to the podcast because i was like girl you should listen to my podcast did you plug the podcast you're the expert of making bad decisions um shit on a thursday night anyway she was by herself the dude wasn't even there um i was like that's why you can't let me let these dudes raw dog you what the fuck she said he's to get you some plan b she said he was he said he was gonna venmo her so i was like a niggas is out here man i would be like square cash that shit i need it right now i need it immediately? Right now.

Right now. I mean, or at least in 72 hours, because that's how long you have to take the Plan B. That's what they say, but honestly. The faster you take it, the better it works. So that's why she was out there crying last night. Just take it with a little lemon drop shot. Ooh. A little kamikaze shot. Sydney, what were you an expert in

this week? What was I an expert in? Taking care of myself. I lit some candles. And touched yourself? Touched your body. No, I haven't done that. in a while. I'm going to put that on my prayer list for you. I haven't done it in a while.

Dear Lord, please let Sidney touch herself. Oh my God. Listen, there's too many damn cats in my house to touch myself. Yeah, you got to lock those cats into a room. And them cats is nosy as fuck. They be at the end of the bed. They hear that magic wand start. They're like, they be like, let me get a little something. Let me turn around.

Show me a little butt. I'm like, what? Your cats are real fresh. They real Brooklyn. That's what it is. I got them from a Brooklyn basement. So they know what it is A Brooklyn breeder Yeah you know Just took a bath

That was strange I'm not a bath person Did you clean the bathtub before you took a bath? Of course That means the bathtub wasn't clean Just the way your shoulders are set up No shut up I put little Clorox wipes

That's what you cleaned your bath Oh sis I had to wear a little Clorox wipe You got in that bath the corners it was covered in cat hair you are covered in cat hair right now i washed it i cleaned it out and it was just you know i had a little epsom salt oh that's old people bath time yeah buddy you didn't have a bath bomb so soak that soul chicken chicken bath for the soul well that probably was like brothy in there because you

didn't really clean the toilet. I don't know. I just don't understand how people could just take a bath. First of all, you got to sit in your... First of all, you hit it with your ass, hit it a little bit and it tingles. It burns. Sis, what kind of... Are you sure you used Epsom salt? Did you use the wrong... No, it's just hot. You put sulfur

in the water and that's why you burned your ass. I like a hot bath. Yeah, me too. And I like bubbles. You know what I mean? I'm growing one. I don't think salt, Epsom salt makes bubbles. No, I had a bubble bath too. Listen, you weren't there. No, thank God. Oh why not God bless

Adrienne was there Yeah both got in the tub No Why you gotta say it like that I'm just What if we got What if both of us Were in the tub

It would be a terrible That sounds like A horrible bad Yeah really bad The cats would be On the toilet seat Like meow Knocking things down

They went on the corner Everybody in the apartment Was in the bathtub You gotta move Well you know I had a little me time It sounds like You had y'all time

because she was there and the cats were there. We're lesbians, so it is our time. She always says, our time. Can you turn the TV off and turn up your phone?

Our time. It's our time. You have to listen because it's her place. She's like, it's blackout time. I'm like, you're right.

Blackout time? I punch myself in the face. Blacked out. Speaking of blacking out, punching yourself in the face, this next guest, oh my God, I can't believe he's living.

I can't believe he agreed to do this raggedy ass podcast. I cannot. He came here early as hell too? Prompt. I was upset. He looked clean and shit. I'm like, wow, he took a shower for this?

He left his shoes on, though. Wow, these are brand new. Are those the Yeezys for the white man? No, these are $49.99. Ah. Plan B right there. Those are Plan B. Good old, good old Tarjay.

You got the Tarjay. These are Models. But anyway, yeah, go on. Well, anyway, he's a comedian. He's a storyteller. He's mainly a dog walker. That's where he gets his goings from. He is our dog walking expert.

It's Andrew Collins. It sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? Dog walking expert. Yeah. It sounds like something dumb as shit. Well, first of all, Andrew, you came in the house. You got a Patagodia coat on. Yeah, my brother bought me that.

None of these clothes are mine. Who paid for the Models for $49.99? I stole them. Gotta go to Models. I gave him a dog and got him. It was great. No, I don't know. I bought them myself.

Andrew, you look like a white man, like a well-to-do white man. Do I? He comes from money. The way that the beard is graying right there, it looks like money. You don't see that? The salt and pepper? I know, but that gets sadder. The more distinguished I look, the poorer I am.

It's not good. And you can just tell the Richard Gere crow's feet you got on your eyes. I'm like, yo, he's got a savings account. He does. Oh, thank you. I used to. I did for like a week and a half. Well, can we talk about where you're from and your background a little bit?

Oh, yeah. So I'm from Florida. Can I touch your knee? Born and raised, of course. You can go higher if you want. Ew! I'm just having fun. You're trying to get in a bath, sis.

Yeah, I want to get in a bath. You can't be a dog walker and a Harvey Weinstein. At my age, I want that Epsom salt. I need that salt. Listen. No, I'm from Florida. Yeah, yeah. He put his knee closer to Sidney's hand.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, so I was born and raised in Florida. You know, my dad was a doctor, so he's obviously happy for me. What kind of doctor? An oncologist, a cancer doctor. Your dad is in the cancer ward And you out here Just picking a poop

Yeah yeah yeah Disgracing the Colin name What's your dad's name? Alan Dr. Alan Alan is sexy as fuck That's a sexy Alan

I know Alan Alan has dated A black woman before I see Oh he Yeah he lived Yeah he lived

Alan takes black women To Applebee's To get the sister He's like We gonna get the two fur Drinks too We gonna get the two fur He's like

Call it Dr. Alan When you drink it Who are we going to get the apple sangria? It is funny. It's not mister. It's doctor. They love being called doctor. Doctor.

Yeah, like judges. I'm like, I'm dog walker. That's what I do. No. So, Dr. Colin. Yeah. And then you have siblings. Yeah, I got an older brother who does finance.

He's doing great. Huh? He's doing great. He came into my fucking bar and I already knew. I was like, Andrew, get your broke ass out of the way. What's your brother's name? Alan Jr. what's your brother's name

you give me a broom and ask for his black card I know he was so nice I was like his button down is all buttons wow

this is a great guy all the buttons were buttons yeah all of the buttons yeah no I forgot that one came in there

Dan Dan Daniel Daniel and your sister-in-law is bad damn Cindy you was at the

family reunion oh yeah the fuck they gave you a good old tip I should get 20% of that oh fuck out of here

man didn't even know I worked there he walked in he was all embarrassed he was like i got this button up on looking like a nerd yeah i want people to think i'm coming from the bottom you know i don't want them to see do bottle service oh man they were doing it up too y'all came in with like 20 people i was like did somebody get a promotion like no we're just living our white life and they're like and andrew's here so yeah it doesn't make much sense me picking up dog shit but it really doesn't well there's a

long how did you get here because nobody white is supposed to be here yep she wanted a short version i mean or should we be talking about dog walking we got a cool i mean it's just okay so i i went to tulane in uh in new orleans that's a good ass yeah yeah everything's adding up here for me not to be just you must have not you must have not carried the one or something you did the math wrong oh yeah so i barely got in i went there because my brother obviously he went there damn daniel damn daniel and so he uh he you know he's he he was a major in finance he was in a fraternity and he was like you gotta come here you gotta come to school and i probably shouldn't have went to new orleans because you partied hard well i told you that one story about

getting stabbed but that's a whole long story but yeah yeah so i ended up i mean but we do want to hear about white men doing bad so i mean you can talk about this no i'll tell you a quick version When I was visiting Tulane when I was a senior, I got, my brother's roommate was an ex-Navy SEAL, and he had me put on a bulletproof vest, and he's like, hey, look, it's knife-proof. And he goes, oh, I think I stabbed you. Oh, that is, yo, if that's not some fraternity shit, that is some frat brother dub shit. Dude, he was an ex-Navy SEAL. He was 27.

How you an ex-Navy SEAL at 27? I feel like that's not enough time to be retired. But also, why are you 27 in school? Well, he's in law school. Oh. And my brother was living with him. And then my brother came out. They drove me to the ER.

I thought I was going to die. Where? Like, upper chest? Yeah, like, right here. Right by your heart? Yeah, yeah. I thought I was dying. The fuck?

Yeah, it was my first hour visiting school. And I'm like, I'm going to call here. I'm like, New Orleans. Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is the school for me. Yeah, I can only go up. And yeah, I ended up going to an emergency room. And they thought my lung was collapsed.

Oh, my god. And then, like, the Navy SEALs, like, you got to tell the cops you stabbed yourself, like, yelling at me and shit. Makes sense. And I was like, oh, my God. And the cop came in, this big-ass New Orleans cop. He's like, what happened? I was like, a dog jumped on me. That was when it all started.

And now the ghost of dogs, of dogs past her, haunting that ass. Me lying about the dog. He's like, you lied on me. That dog's in jail with a Ouija board on me or whatever. Yo, exactly. Yeah. Did you point out a dog? No.

Also, a stab wound doesn't look like a dog bite. It doesn't look like a dog bite. Huh? What's that? A stab wound doesn't look like a dog bite. No, no. A dog jumped on me. I was holding a knife. I stabbed myself. That don't make no fucking sense. Yeah, but the cop didn't want to fill out paperwork.

So he was just like, later. He had a daiquiri in one hand and his badge in the other. He put some beads on my neck. He's like, you sorry, little bitch? He was like, we'll find him. And he was like, we want him. Yeah, we'll get that dog.

damn and then uh yeah i was in emergency room for like six hours and then uh but you had his health insurance so it didn't matter it was nothing yeah yeah or did alan did alan come in and uh yeah alan actually stitched me he flew in on a private jet and stitched me up with gold yeah is that what you want to hear no no no yeah gold plating i have a gold heart so you go to tulane so then i'll go yeah i might as well go to tulane because i met a girl the next night and i was like damn right after you got stabbed yeah she liked the scar she was into it she's like i feel like you can't do too anything too strenuous when you got stitches in your chest when you're new orleans baby i mean he wasn't doing anything strenuous head you ain't gotta

do shit well i just made out with it but i was just like all right i'll go there i had like five condoms in my pocket too i was ready to go you was ready to go and then you're like girl if i hadn't got this stab wound you would have got this dick you would have got you would have got the side strokes is okay i was a virgin at the time but yeah wow you were a virgin in college oh yeah you got a name before you got a virgin though that was pretty funny why'd you get a wait i fingered a girl and i bite my nail because i fingered a girl and i bite my nail i told the fucking doctor that's crazy yo andrew you got stabbed before you got pussy that's hilarious yeah i got yeah that is true oh my god about that yeah okay so i got penetrated before i

penetrate it yeah okay well some people are into that yeah we've we've covered pegging on the podcast we have so so you went to two lane so another two lane i fucking i think it's gonna be great but i end up like i have a horrible anxiety and so like because you've never been away from home yeah probably because i was sheltered and you know what happens is like i played a lot of sports so like my what sports motherfuckers look at these calves lacrosse I played football and basketball too I'm an athletic Let me see a basketball pivot

Why do you have a three point stance You don't know what I do You played basketball and football You played basketball and football For fun You weren't on a team it was a small private school wasn't no scholarship right small very intramural you were you were he got game you know no i actually went to an all christian private school what and i'm jewish so

they were like oh they were calling me all the names i felt very out of place my whole life and i know whatever look at you i know how sad didn't daniel didn't your brother go to the same school as you yeah i'm sure he felt cool i was cool though huh you said you what you wasn't cool though i was cool i was just a virgin cool but i won prom king as a virgin that's pretty funny that's hilarious yeah you won prom king but i'm looking at your face now and i'm like you look like you would have been cool in college i was cool in college look at those eyes there was nothing thank you what color are the eyes they're greenish oh yeah they're dirty brown from here oh wow get the fuck out of here dirty brown trash can brown big ass eyebrow

no these are emeralds no they're beautiful so so yeah so uh i went to school and i couldn't sit in class like so what i was saying is like with the sport i had all my time like scheduled you know when you have your time and you don't really think about yourself that much and then you're kind of just going through it you're just going through emotion then you go to college and you have like three hours of class and then all this time just like oh man what is life who am i they set you up for failure they really do and then you be in the cafeteria you got all these uh cafeteria points and you're like oh well i'll just be here for i'll just be here for five hours yeah yeah what do i and i do that now too you know it's the same but like so i had all this time and then i was drinking

like crazy because i'm in new orleans so then that adds to the anxiety so then i couldn't sit in class i wasn't going to class i was just cheating on everything so i was like i was cheating i see why you wasn't getting away right oh dude i was crazy and then um so yeah so like i didn't i didn't really like learn anything so like i came out of college i learned that i was dumb to go to college yeah yeah i learned about uh ishmael reed that was it i took an acting class and i actually enjoyed that that was the one thing that should have been that moment when It's like, oh, this is what I should be doing, you know? But it was like, my dad was like, no, bitch, I'm not paying 40 grand a year for you to

friggin' be in a thespian, you know? Thespian. Yeah. Friggin' Alan Conley. Dr. Conley knows what he's doing. Well, there's a lot of career, like, when you come from a Jewish family, there's like, it's career. You know, my brother already had his career, you know what I mean?

He knew what he was going to do. He had Warren Buffett books when he was seven, you know what I mean? But me, I was always the silly fucking idiot, you know? Yeah. And so I didn't know what I wanted to do. so uh so then like i graduated i did graduate somehow i grabbed i didn't that's cute i got a diploma that's cute i walked but there was no diploma in there they had to mail it to the house no no i didn't have all my credits yet so my whole family came to this fake you know so i got it like

a month later that's so sad oh yeah it's all my whole life is pretty sad but i'm happy so uh so then i graduate where do you get a job so i don't have a job yet so i have two choices i can either go to chicago and work in real estate because my family does real estate up there look at you that's there's the plug right there you just got the access like you're i have access yeah that's the thing there should be no reason why you feel it dude i know that's the point i look i'm well aware that i have so many opportunities that i've passed up and i'll admit that a lot of people will be like oh you know it's still hard for no i know so i had a choice to go to chicago work in real estate but there's a whole long like family thing my parents were divorced and my mom's side

of family's in chicago so my dad didn't really want me going the mom's side of the family's the gangsters does that make sense yeah it makes sense yeah and my dad's from new york you want to be on alan's side also alan you just yeah i mean you're still kind of sucking from the teat at that when you're giving shit you're like oh i gotta listen to this person well that's why i think uh people who have money they're so family oriented because they need their family yeah Because they're too weak to go away from me. But they'd be like, shut up, mom. I hate that mom.

She's such a bitch. Yeah, yeah. Those are the people that say that. Poor people don't really talk like that. They'll call their mom a bitch, but they'll call their mom every day and speak to them every day. So they're calling them a bitch seven days a week, but it's fine. I call my mom every day and we ain't got no money, so.

I haven't talked to my mom in nine years. I don't even know her name. Oh, my God. I feel like it's Gail or something. Yeah, no, it's Robin. Oh, Robin. Robin, baby. um yeah so i don't know so yeah so i either did that or i went to la to be a product a production

assistant i thought i'd be a producer like i majored in finance i don't know that doesn't sound fun though i didn't i had an idea of what it was but i didn't know what you don't know nothing when you're 21 right so instead of taking this like secure real estate job but because of my family background i was like i don't want to do that i drove to la cross country to be a production assistant you drove to la when there's a thing called a plane yeah but i had a car i had a silver xterra i don't even know what that is nissan in my mind it sounds like a mitsubishi eclipse yeah so i went there and uh and i show up and i'm like oh i thought i have a job like a full like year job no it was one weekend so i drove you picked your life up and i showed up in like

a suit to a production assistant they're like what do you do who are you i was like i don't know man what the i don't know anything you show up on the weekend it was for like a waffle house commercial with joel mckale you know joel mckale yeah and from the soup yeah and community and so yeah so i worked one weekend i was like what's my next job and they're like there is none i was like you didn't even ask you drove it took you longer to drive there than the hours that they gave you yeah pretty much wow yeah yeah yeah and i yeah so i fucking so this is the thing though my i'll be honest my dad gave me a little bit of money to go out there you know what i mean it makes sense you didn't have any you just yeah i just came from college here i am with my white people i'm like i

swear my dad just gave me a no you know so he gave me a small loan yeah just forty hundred thousand dollars no no he gave me like four grand to go live my life that's not a lot actually to go to We got to round it up to at least five. Okay, five grand. I don't know. Something around there. This was 30 years ago. That money was a lot stronger.

I had to buy nine horses on the way. Working trail, huh? Yeah. He's in a wagon, sis. Seven people died, but I made it. Just to work that one weekend on a Waffle House commercial. Horse and carriage. You'll see my love's fire.

And we're going to ride to the top. So, yeah, so I get there. I work at the productions. Then, like, that doesn't go well because I don't have another job. So then I get a job. Oh, my God. In L.A.? In L.A.

Because my great uncle worked for American Express. Dude, everybody's everywhere. Everyone's successful in my family except me. The great uncle? I don't even have a great uncle. I got a regular uncle. Yeah. I don't even have an okay uncle.

A great uncle. Wow. yeah so i get a job there and um like a filer so they just put me in the back to file did you have a suit on i did where i got dressed the fuck up again and they're like what are you doing i keep getting dressed up they're like we're gonna put you where the box is at they don't even see me so for like i i work for like i would just show up but i like had a system i'd go i'd clock in and then i'd leave after 20 minutes because they just put me in the back i'd go play basketball and work out all day and then and then i clocked out for 40 hours at the end of

the week and i was this was a great i was killing it that's great my brother i told him the story he's like yeah they fucking let you do it because they don't because of our great uncle because you're a family yeah but i thought i was this whole time i thought i was like they they didn't like i was being all sly no no we know that you're not working but andrew i didn't realize that though that's nepotism oh 100 and that's the downfall of nepotism is like yeah you hire people that you know in your family but how you know they're gonna do a good job you know they won't they're not gonna i agree on that but i do think a lot of people think just because you come from money that you're gonna be very successful there it's i don't know it sounds it's not that

i think that you're gonna be successful it's like you have the choice to not be or be successful you have the access it's how you want to be successful i mean look at jayden smith you know yeah he like he would be literally nothing without jada's face and will are you serious jaden smith i think he's talented he was on just the two of us remember that song he was so he did that song with will smith when he was a baby it's a very sensitive subject dad how much am i getting paid for this and then he was in pursuit of happiness he's adorable and then we were like oh no he's actually terrible and then he released the song and we were like oh it's actually a pretty cool song and now his hair is green and he's friends with justin bieber that would not

have happened if he was not will smith's son like the access i know i hear you no no 100 i'm not disagreeing that there's insane like privilege and and and you started off on third base like right but then but then if you look at will smith is will smith's other son you're like he got another son yeah yeah he's like super regular yeah that's me that's me as a dog walker so so i so anyway i take that job i end up leaving i go to i go to vegas for new year's end up having like i party too hard of course you did it's fucking vegas yeah you blew all your four thousand dollars no i blew yeah i blew every well i made i had like nine hundred dollars i couldn't go to my rent i quit that job and then i ended up uh spending all my money on like

strippers and like i made eight grand there oh wow playing cards and then i ended up whatever that was vegas then i came back didn't have a job then i went to new orleans and then got stabbed to get on the other shoulder. I did too much blow. I was about to say, drugs are about to happen. Drugs are in the cards. I never bought coke, but that time I did coke all night with a stripper. We didn't even hook up.

We just talked about life. She was like, be better than me. Your dad is a doctor. You have so much access. Oh my God. I have a little bit of an overdose. I end up in the hospital for three days.

Three days? and how much coke did you do did your nose fall off i think i think i just did a lot of coke that i did a gravity bong hit and then like i went what the fuck is that it's like where you do weed and you fucking put it in the bathtub and my dude yeah you put it in the bathtub i don't know you like you'd smoke i don't know you smoke and then you fill up the bathtub with weed smoke no you put fill up the bath with water you cut a milk jug you put the weed the smoke in there and then so i'm glad my whole anxiety kicked in next i know i'm in the er so then i end up leaving at that point i left la i drove back to florida damn you couldn't ship the car you couldn't well

you can afford to ship the car yeah yeah yeah how expensive is the ship a fucking car it's more expensive to drive all the way across the country you gotta stop you gotta get yeah so that was all one year so that was one year oh my god that was all one year and then no wonder you look like you been through it, my dude. Oh, I thought you just said I look good. I said that the beard hair looks good. I mean, she said something about my crow's feet. Yeah, she called it Richard Gere's crow's feet. It's cute, though. It looks good.

She rude. She is rude. It's unbelievable how rude you are. What are you looking at? It's unbelievable. You're so fucking... That's what I hate about your gender. You look old as shit while I'm on Instagram looking at my own pictures. No, Jonathan. It's unbelievable. I'm trying to send a headshot and a bio.

I gotta secure the bag. Well, you can't send it. Well, I'm going to see if I got an email. Okay, so. He's like this guy, this white dude complaining about his rich parents. I'm going to fucking get my head shot. Can I put my foot on your... Yeah, sure.

And look at your phone more. Unbelievable. It's a year, I dig. It's ridiculous. Okay, so. So, anyways. I'm going to touch your penis. That's a year, right?

Yeah. So, what happens after you get back? So, then I go back home. I'm living back in my fucking, in my mom's. I'm just sad as fuck. I just, you know. And your mom doesn't live with your dad, does she? No, no.

Where does she live? In Stewart, Florida. That sounds fancy. Yeah, it is kind of nice. Yeah. But so I go back there and I'm like, well, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. You know, I failed as a PA, even though I worked one weekend, you know. And then you never got another gig from them?

Yeah. That's wild. Yeah, but you didn't really fail. You did the job. Yeah, but in your mind, especially when you also have like a little bit of an overdose, your anxiety and your failure. Just a little bit of an overdose. A little bit.

Like a baby dose. I mean, it's like, I'm a, you know, and also I come from a family where everyone's successful. So there's like, you know, you put so much pressure on yourself to not fail. And so my family was, you know, again, they did real estate. And my mom's like, why don't you just get your real estate license? And this is like right before the boom of real estate. Oh. And I got.

Look at your mom. What's your mom's name? Robin. Okay, Robin. Look at Robin. She just wanted to get me out of the house. She was like, get the fuck out of the house. She just wanted to walk around butt naked.

She just wanted to have sex on the couch with her old... I wish she did more. I wish she had more of that, to be honest. Shout out to Robin. Yeah, well, that's a whole other thing. But like, so she... You want Robin to get dicked down? I do, I do.

She was single way too long, man. It was sad. Too much alone time. It happens, man. It's happened to me for the last 15 years. Oh, you're going to get tons of ass from this. Yeah, right. Sympathy pussy.

We got you. Sympathy. So I end up getting the real estate license. how long did it take you to do that like i don't know four months maybe i failed the test the first time i couldn't cheat i couldn't cheat anymore i tried you forgot how to study what are you doing what is that what the hell are you four times seven a scantron or no yeah scantron what kind of questions are on a real estate test i don't know like adverse possession okay we don't i don't know how much this is in a square what yeah i was like what's the circumference of a microwave like

things like that yeah sure like that did you show up to the test wearing a suit yeah hey look you dress for the job you're never gonna get you dress for the job you have for two days yeah so i end up i get i get the real estate license and then i'm trying to sell houses but dude i've never even owned a house i don't know what the fuck i'm doing like house i'm like a foyer or a foyer i don't know what the fuck that's a couple stories yeah i'm not good at sales you know and but my buddy is crazy because it looks like you could sell some shit i'm personable as fuck when it comes to like closing i fucking hate it i just i don't know i don't like that's why you're a virgin for so long

but i said that's why you're a virgin for so long yeah but you look like somebody who like owns a startup or something like this the whole outfit you got it's like yeah very casual no but it looks like casual money right yeah like i start like i have a business and i do ted talks about I wish I looked like a trash You know how bad it is to look the part To be the part To be part of the part And then not be the part

Listen man we don't want to flare up your depression No I'm fine I can say all this because I'm still depressed I can say all this because I'm still sad Lipitor or whatever the hell Lexapro Yeah that's a whole

So I end up getting into commercial real estate because my boy Rusty, Rusty the third, he's third generation Florida alligator trash, he got me into it. So we ended up selling land and we sold a piece of land and I made fucking 300 grand.

300 grand? How many months or days? That's the market. That's what it was at that time. I could just be like, there's a piece of land. $300,000? Why are we not selling grass, bitch? Wait, so that was your commission? That was your commission You and Rusty made that money

Or that was just your money 600 G's we made Are you fucking kidding me How much did you sell it $8 million for land for grass For an orange grove where you could build 120 houses Yeah

What damn The fuck It changed my life I thought I was happy Then I was a real shit show What did you do with all that money? Can you imagine me with money? What did you do with all that money?

I spent it all. I bought a Mercedes with 400 horsepower. I brought a Tundra truck first. You bought two cars? No, no. I bought the truck first. I put some 22s on it. You sound like a black kid that just signed a deal with the NFL.

I did. You bought two cars. You put 22s on the Chevy? Yeah, and then I put the Mercedes on top of it. You just pulled it behind it. I stacked them. You glued them together like a train. No, I bought the truck.

And I was like, what am I? I'm a little Jew. what am i doing driving a pickup truck and then i was like i need mercedes and then my buddy had a used car dealership and i took out seven grand in cash put in a brown bag because that was the difference yeah i just threw it at his ass i was like give me a mercedes like i felt baller it felt great what kind of bag was it was it like a trader joe's bag no this is a straight brown lunch bag yeah seven g's just playing just threw it in his face that's a grip and a half And then I bought a condo

For 220 grand And this is all in Florida You made $300,000 You bought a condo for $220,000 Yeah but you don't pay 220 You pay whatever 30 down or whatever it was I was trying to get rid of the money as fast as possible Yeah you were

That's what happened You get the money and you're like I earned this money I don't deserve the money It was burning your hands So I end up Fucking You go bankrupt Yeah, I do.

The whole market crashes. And we had like a million dollars in deals. I was going to make another million dollars. No bullshit. And then the market crashes. And then my house. If you had made that million dollars, you probably would have died. Honestly?

I would have been more in debt. No, honestly? No, that's a really nice way to look at it, even though it's like sadder. Maybe I would have rebounded. No, fuck that. I would have bought nine more Mercedes. You would have bought another 200. So I bought, so then I.

The market crashes. You were supposed to make a million dollars. My house goes from $210,000 to $70,000 in six months. That's how much it worked. Because that's how bad it got. Yeah, that's how bad it got. So you had to sell the house? Short sold the house.

Made $1,800. That was nice of them to give me $1,800. You bought it for $220,000? Yeah, I put like 30 Gs into it. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. Oh. I know.

Two sets of bunk beds and one in a room. Listen, Andrew. I just bought it furnished. It was terrible. Andrew. I'll take it. I'll take that elephant thing. I have a question.

Yeah. Have you ever killed anybody? Because this is like some mass shooter shit. Like, if I only get $1,800 from spending all this money for my home, I'm shooting up a whole movie theater. Every day. Everybody did. What I was sad about, I really was depressed as fuck because I was in so much debt.

So I paid half my taxes. I didn't pay the other half because I had the million dollars coming. I was like, whatever. I'll keep it. You don't think about that when you're 24. You just don't think about it. I was like, you're 24? Oh, my God.

I was 25. Whatever. but yeah this is why white people be aging so quickly because they live their whole life in one year one year my nigga one year i know it's crazy wow yeah that's why i got them crow's feet all nine of them that's why i don't smile okay no you're always smiling so how'd you get out of that how i did it so you're still there i'm still in it so no so so i i end up i'm in the debt right like 40 g's i owe the government and i'm just like i don't know huh she said she got a vote on that and alan the whole time alan's like a whole time alan's like this is your problem i'm not

gonna when i went to them they were over it but like dude i wasn't just because you have money and shit like i was still like from college i never had my brain right you know what i mean i didn't feel like i didn't know how to deal with the debt like i didn't know how to take it on i thought you're 24 years old 40 g's nobody would know how to deal with the debt yeah i didn't know how to like that you could set up a payment plan i didn't know anything so i was just like help me but no one they're like help yourself they're so annoying but i can't help myself yeah they're like we're successful what are you doing this must have been before google i just didn't know how to ask dude i don't know it's hard to ask but they honestly they didn't give

you the tools to we don't know anything at 24 yeah somebody has to tell you this is you got to set this up this is how you pay off this but you don't even listen then even though because the money comes so easy when money comes easy like that yeah it's true you like so then after that like i tried to do so many like quick rich like things you know like like i tried i tried like all these like selling fruit snacks i tried to make an app i tried to do all this shit but i'm not good at anything you know so then i'm surprised the app thing didn't work you look like you got an app yeah i know the app was so dumb what was the app it was brian you know brian erlacher the football player no okay so somebody's saying his name like er lack er and

then you go er lack that's the whole app that's the whole app whenever i tell that story i paid a crackhead off of craigslist to make it for me i gave him 500 bucks on an applebee's got the fajitas and then he goes i gave him 500 bucks and then i never heard from him and then i finally he finally answers the phone he finally and he goes hello and i was like yo where's my money mother where's the app he's like i got cancer i was like bitch you don't have cancer fuck you with your cancer you should have taken it to your dad the oncologist and i go do you remember the app i go er he goes lack i go you're still my guy and i'm fucking and and I never heard from him.

That sounds like my friend Anthony. We went to this party called Funkbox and this nigga was like, hey, I'm making customized shirts. You'll have your name on it. And so he gave him like $30. And he's like, okay, I'm going to send a shirt to you.

He gave it. What is it? How do you spell that? With a T? Yeah, he's like, spell out your name. And then he gave him a receipt. He wrote it on a...

He gave him a receipt. he gave him his number and he's like okay you're gonna have your shirt in like a week yeah he was texting his man every week for $30 for this $30 anthony shirt and then he's a year later he's like hey man what happened to my fucks box shirt he's like hey the the party got shut down when it didn't it didn't even get shut down that's way so good so yeah kids are amazing wait Andrew, we've got to get into this. Yo, I'm talking to you about dog walking. Your life is so funny.

Thank you. I'm sorry. Yeah, so, okay, so I'll get there. How do I even get there? So I end up moving to New York the first time. The first time? Like at 30, or like 29. You drove the Benz up?

No, I didn't have a car. My car got repoed out of my dad's house. He sold everything. My car got repoed. From the dad's house. The guy goes, well, that's surely a nice house. And I was like, it ain't mine. take my car they took my yukon at that time so you had a yukon and you had an suv you just guzzling

yeah i know i was like i'm gonna save money by buying a 96 yukon i'm a fucking idiot dude i'm so dumb i still haven't learned shit so this is hilarious maybe people listening are that you're teaching you're teaching the kids yeah i guess so in a way um yeah fuck so anyway so i end up coming to new york i was gonna take a screenwriting class at nyu i took one it was like a night class i was like i'm gonna be a screenwriter now and when i was in florida i wrote a movie like in two weeks i just busted out this movie called laughers for hire it was terrible it was called it was about that professional laughers it's so bad it'd be funny to read because how bad it is do it now you could do like a sketch or something yeah so anyway i sent it to everyone i

know and like production and everyone and they're like dude there's typos this is like written fucking with like ketchup oh this is terrible were you high when you wrote this yeah like yeah i was and so anyways so i end up uh i end up working for my i was working as a fishmonger i got that job i was driving a fish truck i was driving a fish truck that means you smelled like fish yeah oh my god people have bums were moving away from me on the subway they're like ew get your life together this is in new york this is in new york this is when i was like 29 so then my brother who runs the finance stuff he gave me a job because i actually worked you can't be poor he's like yeah you're just making me sad and the fish is smelling up my mansion you know and so i

end up getting a job with him and um we work in factories like doing lean manufacturing where you like make everything run more efficient you know you've had the fucking hardest life you're like a coal miner like that's what you feel like it's like a weird it's a weird like yeah you're like a coal miner coal miner but yeah so i end up working in the factories and then they had you in a factory like it was 1912 i'm like i'm watching people hand shit i'm going i'm timing them like it's like i'm fucked up dude i'm like i'm figuring out ways to run things more efficiently so they could essentially uh fire people you was snitching out on yeah i was like yo fucking fucking you know chris can only do seven packages in an hour fuck that dude he's out of here you

know let's get a robot you got people fired pretty much but it was a good job and uh so then i end up And then you got fired. No, I quit. I ended up working in Dayton, Ohio. I was doing a night shift running a whole factory. What? What? I don't even know how I ended up there.

I was here for a screenwriting class. You ended up in Ohio. Yeah, I wanted to be an artist. So now I'm working. Do you think you have ADD? Oh, yeah, sure. Because I'm like, you're all over the place, my man. I know.

Literally. All over. I know. Like, literally. Like, Florida, New Orleans. You couldn't stay there. Oh, my life is ADD. Yeah, it's ADHD.

I was, yeah, I've always had ADD. Okay. so then i end up having a panic attack and i end up because you're moving around a lot dude yeah i'm in this factory i'm doing i'm working the night shift i don't know if you ever worked well you work at a so you know how the night can fuck with you but imagine like in a factory with like don't say like i know because i don't know about this coal mining like no but no like you work late nights so um i end up going back to florida and then how do i get the dog so i'm trying to get to florida i don't know if you're the dog walking expert you might just be like the white

man doing bad expert yeah yeah because honestly like everything that you've been through is like but honestly i can't tell on your face like at all like and you're so cool and whenever i talk to you i'm like oh this is the first time i'm here and all this i said andrew yeah my friend yeah i know but it's like i don't know it's weird it's like i don't care so about the up it's more like the depression and like dealing with yourself and i never stopped to deal with my shit because you're you're constantly moving you just want to get to the next well a lot with money too because i thought if i could get the money back i could be happy again and i could be a success but you had money and you weren't happy i know but when you're negative money you just need to get back to zero

you know what i mean just to be even though but in your mind that doesn't even get you know you just don't and you're always pushing you always push yeah which is funny because with lean manufacturing what you learn is it's a pull system so it's like you shouldn't go on the next thing until the one thing is done but i always went on to the next thing yeah man you had you had a bunch of things yeah i had a lot of things and so i like have anxiety and panic and so finally i come back to new york in that place you kind of all the things that you were doing would push anybody into having anxiety yeah yeah that's true too on top of already having yeah so then i end up taking a a comedy class my buddy got divorced and this and he was sad and he was like let's be comedians

well his well his friends bought him this uh stand-up class to for him to like talk about his you know i mean just to whatever and he's like they were tired of listening to him they're like yeah you should go talk to him yeah yeah either go to therapy or the stand-up class was cheaper than therapy so they were like you get eight classes so he's like y'all pay for your class and i took the class and i ended up you know a lot i mean i fucking did the first show and i was like this is what i wow this is for me you know what i mean like for the first time it wasn't about family it wasn't about asking people for shit i was like oh this is all me you know what i mean like i'm on stage i wrote this shit i'm taking ownership of it i'm not

paying a crack at five hundred dollars i'm not paying a crack to play me i am paying a crack at the improv right two hundred dollars but yes and crack yeah yeah that says my jokes are great but but it felt like i don't know it just fucking it felt like legit beautiful it was beautiful i'm almost like i was like oh my god i feel like people listening to this or they were waiting for you to be like and then i died you know because the story sounded like it was going it's i know There is, like, a positive, I guess. I mean, I guess the positive is I came to New York a year later. After you took the class.

After I took the class. Now, the funny thing is, like, you go through something like that, and you're like, oh, I finally found something for me. But even that kind of dies down. You know what I mean? Yeah, because you always want to get to the next thing. Especially in comedy, you're like, finally you get your five minutes. Then you're like, oh, I need to get more time.

Then I need to get more stage time. Then, oh, wait, I want to be on TV. I want to travel. Well, because you can't just do the same thing in stand-up or in anything, right? You've got to get to the next level. Yeah, well, the idea of the next level, that's not going to bring you to happiness, though, I don't think. It's like having happiness within your life. Do you have happiness within your life?

Not yet, but I'm getting there. I think I am getting there. I think what is interesting, though, is you come here, and New York is a fucking monster. It is. And no matter how people are like, New York's off now. It's still a monster. The competition's insane. Oh, listen, and people step over homeless people all the time, and people fuck over their friends.

So, yeah, it is ruthless. Well, I mean, you get kind of, like, numb to it, right? You see homeless people all the time. Like, I'll be on the train, and, like, three homeless people in a row will come up with a sad story. And we're like, well, you should have came first. Our early homeless person gets the bird, right? You're not going to be here. Your shoes are too clean.

How is your fucking face shaved if you're homeless? Exactly. So, long story short, I guess, is getting back to dog walking. And then I got into dog walking because a more successful comedian owned a dog walking business. And I was like, yo, I'll get that job. That might help me kind of finagle my way. But I was trying to skip the hard work.

You know what I mean? Again, trying to skip. That's what it's all about is like putting in the hard work. And that's how you get the reward. Not trying to get that quick money, which isn't going to give you that fucking that whatever that is. Andrew, you have to do a fucking TED Talk. It's for real.

This is some next level shit That can help somebody Because I wouldn't even have thought About all this stuff that you've been through That got you to this point He's trying to help himself still So let him figure it out I know but I'm just saying

I've tried to do a one man show I wrote a one man show I just need to figure I should just say what I just said We just play this and we'll just drink martinis I already did all the work So anyway it so i end up getting a dog walking job and and you know you do that and it's like i'm not a dog

walker though but then new york it will fucking eat away the next thing you know it's five years later i'm still doing comedy you know i'm running a couple shows like things are you know i think i'm like respected and like people think i'm funny and shit you are put in the time but the less you get shit the more you're becoming a dog like like the dog walker that's how i was feeling with waitressing yeah i was like man i'm spending two i'm spending all my weekends i'm doing my mondays i'm saying no to stuff because i want the money yeah but then i was like i'm still a waitress i want to move to the next level but you got to look at yourself as i'm a comedian that does waitressing and it's hard to look at it that way especially when you're fucking dealing with ass

like you're dealing with shit yeah all day so it's hard to be yeah but i'm just a dog no it's Like, every day, I'm walking dogs in 30 degrees, picking up shit. Yeah. I'm on the subway. Every day. You know what I mean? You don't have a day off? Nah.

Well, whatever. But it's funny. Like, dog walking has taken me. Like, I've met some great owners that love me. Yeah, there's people who got, like. They bought me a laptop. Like, you know, I'm working now for a very successful comedian that saw my dance videos with the dogs, which got me to that.

And now I'm, like, opening for that comedian. Oh, wow. At Caroline's. Oh, that's great. So it's like these weird things, they kind of add up through the hard work and shit. Andrew, I think something's going to come for you. I really do. I think the way you're learning and the funnier you get

and the more dedicated you are to comedy, I really see it. That was the nicest thing you've ever said on the podcast. Yeah, thank you. I hope so, too. I was mean in the beginning, and I'm sorry. And whatever the success is, it's like, I started therapy five months ago. and like to anyone more than anything is like yo that shit is the best thing ever did you stop and you analyze yourself and you breathe a little bit so you don't push the next thing and because of

therapy i went and got like you know i was always a hypochondriac i went and dealt with that shit i went to the doctor you know what i mean okay so you you you did go to therapy and it's actually helping you yeah therapy's in the bed and then like i went and met with an accountant and i'm like i'm gonna finally take your ownership of the money and it's like i'm trying to do that you But that shit I've always put to the side because I haven't stopped and just been okay with myself. But now I can through picking up shit and being an expert at dog walking. That's not what you're an expert.

We've got to change your expertise, dude, because that's not even it. That's not what you are. It's kind of funny, though, because I'll come at them sideways. But, yeah, you can change it. I mean, it would be funny if somebody's waiting for the dog walk and they're like, well, where's the dog walking at? There are some funny stories of dog walking. But your story is more than that.

But I personally think that your brother knows how hard you're working, and he's, like, super helpful and supportive of you. And I saw how you guys were at the bar, and I think he really— He does. He's on your side. 100%. What's the age difference between you? I think it took, like, three years. And then I have a six-year younger brother.

Oh, we didn't even talk about the other brother. What does he do? He's good. He lives in New York. He's getting married in a month. It's awesome. What does he do? He does, like, sales, but he does well.

Oh, he sells drugs. Okay. Yeah, he sells drugs. He's that high maintenance dude. He does good. He does good. He works hard and he's got a great fiance. It's awesome.

I feel like people need to know, more people need to know your story because I had no idea. So the story behind what you're doing, I'm like, oh, now I, or maybe you, I don't know if you talk about it on stage. I talk a little bit about it on stage. I mean, it's a long story. It's a hard, it's a hard, dude, money is hard. More than sex, more than anything, talking about money. Yeah.

crowds don't want to hear about, I don't know, they don't come there to hear about death. I don't know, it's like... Well, when I'm at a comedy show, or I used to go to Mike's, I don't want to hear your sad stuff. I want to hear the funny stuff. Well, I think there's a lot of funny and sad. I mean, all my

comedy... We laughed most of the podcast. All my comedy is in sad. Well, that's because we're mean. Even in my other jokes, it's all you know, all that shit. Right. There is humor in sadness, but people who have not found the humor yet and they're just up there using comedy

as therapy. That sucks. I'm not here for that. I feel like I've found the humor and I still think even if you find the humor and money is this hard, dude, it's this hard talking about debt. Like once you bring up debt, I don't know, for some reason, debt is like the worst in like death. You're the debt expert. Yeah. Because it's crazy.

But the crazy thing is so many, everybody is in debt. I know. Anybody who went to college is in debt. But I think that's why they don't want to hear about that. Because you're reminding them. were like yeah it's like yeah okay i'm in student debt and my dad didn't pay for my college and you're complaining motherfucker so it's like yeah so you just gotta if it's a one-man show and they know what they're getting into it'd be different but yeah yes work on that dude work on it i see

it i'm i'm super interested and i i see how funny you are and i had a good time honestly if you're listening to this still uh and andrew's actually a really really funny comedian on stage to watch he is because this thank you like you weren't like it was an lol today because you're talking about something that's real and i think the way that you're telling the story is super visual like i can see everything that you're talking about yeah but i also think as comedians we want to make things so funny and then sometimes you got to take the time out and be like now hold on sit on this because it is a lot it's a lot and people you people need to take that shit serious i know because i think that's how comedians get so far to depression and alcoholism and drugs and

shit because they don't really sit down and be like okay this is seriously what's going on something i need it's not fucking funny i do need to go to therapy i do need to stop whatever i'm doing yeah but some comedians don't believe in therapy because you know they're well the therapy the drinking like dude stuff like that like i mean drinking's fine but it's like for me it doesn't work you know you just gotta figure out what works for you some people can fucking do a heck and get hung over within an hour they're like fucking writing and they're like being productive I mean, it works for some people. It's just what works for you, just stop to like take that.

And what works for other people doesn't necessarily mean it's going to work for you. Yeah, don't project on other people. You're all just doing me. This is going to do you. You know what I mean? It's like, whatever, do you. So what's next for you? Yeah.

So there's like a couple of things that are pretty interesting. We have a podcast called Happy Never After, me and Mara Merrick. I wasn't really even, we weren't, we're kind of talking about this, but like we're planning on doing a bike ride across the country. Wow. to raise a million bucks for the million dollars that you lost yeah yeah that's a great kickstarter money i know this is why i do this whole thing that's a kickstarter for real though so no so no we put we legit we partnered up this is what this whole podcast is

i see what you did there dude i'm not even kidding that was my idea for the one-man show to end and be like and uh we if we didn't sell this to netflix so if you could just put some money in a hat you know what i mean people do it all the time so don't even be ashamed yeah do it no no so no the idea though is no we're like going to like real sponsorship not to like our friends but like the idea is and i didn't want to really even say because who knows but like we really do have money raised already and we partnered up with futures without violence which is a with his uh domestic abuse uh charity okay and uh yeah it's pretty dope and like so like we have like we're gonna do like we're trying for 60 shows in 60 days is the idea but like i don't

think y'all really gonna ride bikes yeah mar is like a professional cyclist no like bike bikes uh let me see your calves that ain't there yet i'm like you gotta train your ass off you gotta really take it serious i know you gotta watch your diet like that's a lot i know what time of the years it's gonna happen uh tomorrow you can't go when it's too hot what time is it that's why i bought my toothpaste right so no it's gonna be you can't go when it's too cold planning on leaving august 15th and doing a show at caroline's to like launch it off and like yeah dude it's uh it's an insane undertaking but i feel like something like that like you know what it is it's like i feel like you you go through it all the time in new york it's like you wait to get

stuff and it's like you wait for you know i just had my show canceled for me at new york comedy club canceled for you yeah canceled for me they're like we're gonna take this off your plate we're gonna call it we're gonna call it you're sad enough we're gonna take this whatever but like you wait for things that like for people to recognize you well i think that's a that's something that people who are creative usually do right you're you're waiting for people to recognize that you're talented you're waiting for people you gotta make the opportunity for yourself you gotta open your own doors exactly it's like we live in a digital age like people are people got millions of followers yeah you're awesome you have to hustle i'm gonna that's why

i'm going to la because i feel like i gotta do something different than what i'm doing here even if i'm doing the same crap in la different people are seeing it yeah true which is like a different way fresh set eyes right well you all kill it i think you guys are great and i'm very happy that you have me on this because i do really think like you guys have grown so not even grown I hate that word because it's like I remember when you were shit no no

but like like no it's just like it's beautiful like I saw you guys both do that Caroline show a while

I don't know like a few months ago oh for Greta yeah and y'all both ripped and I was like you hosted the fuck out of that show thank you

and I was and I don't know it's just it's awesome to see it's awesome to see people grow and now that I know your story

I'm gonna look out for you even more like I'll see you on you just thought I was this white boy that was a dog walker I did honestly

that's why we did we did well no because i chatted with you outside a club once and we talked a little bit about your story and i remember pieces of what you said today and i just was i remember thinking damn that white boy got a crazy ass life yeah but i didn't know that but i've also been through a lot too so when i'm hearing all your stuff i was like we got like parallel except i didn't have fucking access i had no allen or whatever no brother but like you know i still get it you know what happens though it's like you don't have it and you get the access or you get that big check and then you have no idea what to do and that's why you don't see it all the time you

whether you have access or not it's like you get that chunk watching 30 for 30 is real life and it's and you have to see it you have to watch so many of those to be like dude this is happening to some because people like how could you spend all that money uh 80 million that's how do you watch if you watch five of these that's exactly how you lose all of it okay so andrew where can people who are listening catch you and what if somebody has like a legit question and they want to like talk to you about it so um i mean i'm gonna instagram or twitter at andrew t collin andrew t the t is for thomas yeah it's for todd todd todd and that's wealth todd no no no poor todd andrew todd i hate the middle name ty the name you should just go by todd yeah todd like

Todd Collin. Not Todd Collin. Just Todd. Just Todd. Todd Collin is a drink, too. No, that's a Tom Collins. But I said you could change it up and make your own. Todd Collins is a football player.

But whatever. Find me a Andrew T. Collin. And then my podcast is Happy Never After. And I run a monthly show at UCB. It's usually the last Saturday of the month. And it's a great freaking show. Me and Marie have both done it. It's a comedy storytelling show.

They both have been on it. You guys are amazing. And it's at Upright Citizens Brigade. And it's called It's a Long Story. and uh yeah that's what this was oh my god it was so good um we're gonna figure out exactly what the title is yeah we'll figure it out but i'm i'm super excited to put it out and uh i'm usually not like that about white men but this is great this is really dope maybe you should talk to more white men and find out their stories no no no no this is enough i know them and i don't

even talk to them you're the only one my man this is enough we are a good three years i think we're good. I think we did our deed. I'll take it as long as I'm the only one. We did our deed for 2018. Is this the first Wetman that we've talked to in months? Yes. Yes, it is. I don't appreciate the Caucasians

on my Craigslist couch. But we love you much, Andrew. And you can always catch us on the Instagram page Unofficial Expert. You can also catch us on Patreon to get bonus episodes if you want to get the real tea.

I share more stuff that I shouldn't talk about. That you should ever share in your life. For $5. For a mere $5. You can get her whole credit history. You can hear everything about my rectum. It's crazy. My rectum.

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