MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Drag Expert" with Miz Cracker

Episode Date: May 21, 2021

Sydnee and Marie are back from a brief hiatus to talk all about their recent trip to NOLA and Sydnee shares some very exciting news. Plus, our Drag Expert, Miz Cracker, joins us to talk how she gets inspired for different fits, her most expensive lewks, and the weirdest gifts she's received from fans.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcast----FOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog hi wow wow wow we're here we're here hey sydney girl hello hello we're right we're back we're back from uh a trip and i i am refreshed the reset has the reset has happened and i'm I'm positive about where I am right now. You're on the couch. Yes. You're positive about that? Yes. Okay.

I love that you're present, babe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. I'm here. Sydney, you said you feel refreshed after that vacation? After that work trip that you took? Well, you did sleep for a couple of hours, friend. Oh, every day.

Every day. Every day. That's my drinking, sleeping. Yeah, every day I would wake up and I'd be like, I wonder if Sydney's going to come out with us today. Or we would go out for like, I don't know, an hour, and then Sydney would get right back in the bed. And it was like, where did Sydney?

Oh, there she is. She's sleeping. I can't believe you guys didn't even get pictures or videos of me passed out. Guess this, because we was outside. Yeah, that's right. We were outside. For many of the people who don't know, We just came back from a whirlwind New Orleans trip

for our good sis, Amina. It was her birthday. Her birthday. Birthday. It was a nice little trip. I had a good time. You know, I was doing all that I could to put myself out there for y'all,

you know, for the pod, for the story. And as you can tell, I left my voice down there, I think. I had a voiceover audition today, and they were like, we don't want any gravelly voices. And I said, well, I guess I'm not going to do this shit because I sound like a car engine. So shout out to that visa gig that I will not be booking. Well, I mean, I think that's racist and homophobic.

What's wrong with gravelly voices? I mean, I think when you watch a visa commercial, it's usually like, hi. So if you want your car, like this, it's not you guys like buying things. actually that makes me want to buy more i was like who is that woman 20 no who is that man no no no who is that beautiful human being okay we don't we don't go by gender construct thank you sydney who is that they them that does those visa commercials it's like wow tony braxton's doing really bad no um yeah so that they were they were calling me before we were recording this episode they were like hey are you i'm gonna submit for visa and i'm like i don't want to waste

anybody's time i mean the damn the voice is the voice is gone sis yeah yeah yeah and i'm huh and i'm trying to think i'm like i mean we had fun but like we weren't we weren't screaming like that we were screaming on that swamp tour oh that's right we did a swamp tour guys can you believe I mean, we were live, laughing, and loving. Yeah, we were like, every time the Real Housewives take a trip, they always do a group activity. Let's be Real Housewives in New Orleans and go, you know, look at some alligators in a dirty, dirty swamp.

I would have hated. Not only did the alligators look dusty and dirty and nasty, so did the water, and I would have just hated to fall into the water. since if you fall in that swamp you don't have to worry about how dirty the water is you will get eaten by those alligators so also like sydney if your wig fell in the water would you reach in and get it that's a million dollar question right this wig the good wig the now okay all right how many days do I have left of the trip? Because if it's in the beginning of the trip,

I'm going to have to get the wig. If it's at the end, then I'm just going to go to the airport. With the straight box. Straight box and stocking cap and all, you know? It's the middle of the trip. It's the middle of the trip. You got the same amount of days on either side. Yeah, that's a tough one.

I'm not going to lie. I don't know. I can't say. I can't confirm or deny what I would have done. I mean, I don't know. We have a video of like how fast alligators mouths shut. Mm-hmm. Like in a millisecond, the guy threw a marshmallow into this alligator's mouth.

So all the gators in New Orleans have, in Louisiana, have diabetes. In case you guys didn't know. But they have great dental. Great dental because the teeth are all there. they're doing better than me i mean sydney i believe that you'll get that tooth that you've been praying for oh my god girl provide can we do a prayer circle i just want that fucking tooth back well first i want my teeth straight i have to get my teeth straightened and then i can put in the implant so you know we're thinking about 10 g's ten thousand dollars for a tooth teeth

costs more than titties no no but I like I'm gonna I think I have to get Invisalign and then I have to get the tooth implant and the tooth implant I don't know it's gonna run me a couple thou it's gonna be like four thousand dollars yeah teeth are expensive four thousand I feel like a crown is like thirty five hundred dollars okay well you know I think this missing tooth is my character now so it's a personality trait marie marie we haven't done this in a long fucking time what were you an expert in this week bitch oh wow friend i think this week i was an expert at putting myself out there truly putting myself at risk for a good time and a good story and i mean i can't really get into the details of the story right now because we talked about

it on the patreon oh yep you're gonna have to if you want to hear about it babes you gotta go to the pit three own just know that the thing that i put myself at risk for involves um eating booty like groceries yes yeah that's all i'm gonna say that's all i'm gonna say to you i think i think i think right now i think right now if y'all are listening to the pod you should click right off and go right to the patreon and sign up right fucking look at look at andrew's face wait you were you were the the one doing it andrew we can't answer we can't what we can't answer anything you think my voice is right because i was eating booty well we can't we can't confirm or deny you think i eat vacation straight man ass hold on okay wait so okay wait what was what was the

problem andrew you have yeah you have to get on the patreon babe i have to pay for the pay Then pay for the Patreon. And I'll Venmo you $2.50. Okay, great. Love it. That's what happened, or that's what was going to happen. Yeah. You know.

Wait, Marie, you posted a picture of, like, this guy, like, flirting with you at a bar, but then there were people in the comments. Sir, sir, yes. Am I going into bad things? Yeah, you are, Andrew. If anybody wants to know Marie's business, they got to go to the Patreon and that's that. I didn't realize that I was speaking to Marie's lawyer.

Yes, you, well. Well, that's what Cindy was doing in New Orleans, okay? She went to Tulane School of Law. There you go. I do anything for my client and that is that. Sustained. Can I ask one question and then you can choose to not answer it

or you can answer it? Absolutely, go ahead. Carry on. Okay, so like you posted a picture of someone flirting with you at a bar and i feel like i looked in the comments and people recognize this person oh yeah it's that guy that's the guy okay all right that's the guy well i mean and and because i said his name on patreon and when i posted the photo people were like oh is that him and my heart stopped for a

second because i was like do these people know him and then but they don't yeah i forgot that i had said his whole government on on the patreon yeah we love someone's gonna recognize him that actually knows him and he's gonna find it and i hope and that's i hope he doesn't i hope that you know what never mind if you need to know what happened go to the patreon that's it that's the last time i'm promoting this this thing right now i feel like you're saying that but we're only eight minutes in you're gonna say it again so this this is how you sell this is how you sell okay yeah All right. Sydney, what are you an expert in this week?

Expert in, hmm. See, I asked you that, but I didn't know what exactly I was going to do. But I did say yes. I'm not going to say to, you know, what company, but they want to give me an air conditioner. So I am saying yes to more influencer gifts. I believe it I believe it's my duty to take on these responsibilities conditioner and air such a turn it did it it is a gorgeous air conditioner and they're gonna come and set it up and the key key is is that last year for Sid Can Cook I raised money to buy an AC and now I'm taking that out

okay well I'll take the old one because I don't have one yeah also why did you make it seem like you said yes to something no one else would have said yes i'm leaving the pod i'm leaving the pod i have an ac now listen listen this is suspense i'm i'm an artist how many btus they installing sis way more way more when i told them how many btus i had they were like for that apartment i said yes yes for that apartment don't do that don't do that they said is it a studio that you yeah yeah yeah and they were like how many rooms do you have btu slender and shit yeah well btus can tell you how broke you are so if you go by the btus people can really tell your tea well sometimes people get btus based on what's on sale sis it was definitely on i'm doing what

was in my budget i don't care about the the about the room size it's like okay does that make sense for me i'm just go sit in front of the ac i don't need the whole room cold i just need where i'm at you're like so now your AC is a fan got it that's what it is how many BTUs is the Sid can cook AC I think like 5,000 which is nothing it's a fan

it's a fan dude it's a loud fan yeah I'm paying more in my Con Ed bill for the AC than I would if I had three fans it's dumb oh alright well I'll think about it maybe I'll put it in my bathroom or something okay well

On a higher note, on a higher note, we have a guest today. Can't you believe? We have a guest, Beach. We have a guest. Remember when we used to book guests weekly? Oh, my God. Well, we needed to take a break, you know? People actually love the solos, so don't do that.

They do love the solos. They j'adore the solos. You're saying that as you're introducing a guest. Yeah, well, you know what? We have a guest, but people like when it's just us. Well, you know what? I'm so proud of the guests that we have. It's going to blow our solos out the water.

Do you hear me? Yes. This guest was one of our first live show or I think the first live show guest we ever booked. Very funny, freaking fantastic. Unrecognizable right now. Yes. We can't we don't know what they are right now, but not have would not have stopped to speak to this person on the streets of New York. I'd be like, I don't have any change.

uh but uh we heart we heart them and you heart them and you know them it's the fabulous it's the famous it's the super ms cracker our drag expert yes hello she's a woman how are you guys doing today i'm so glad to be on the squad cast again um and uh i i like everything that's happening over there what's the setup you have like this pink curtain behind you you're on a pink couch are you at mariah carey's house i am backstage at victoria's secret um helping the girls get ready no i i'm this is my little studio because you know there haven't been any live shows i had to make a fancy background for when i do important things like host bingo so yeah i have oh don't do that don't do that bingo

don't do that miss cracker some of our closest friends have done bingos um andrew oh it's true yeah it's a gay thing yeah it is very it's a cultural it's a it's an old gay thing you know what i mean like people people that use people that used adam for adam are also into bingo do you know what i mean like that's the old-fashioned gays you know is adam for adam gay myspace adam for adam is definitely gay myspace it's like um basically like grinder before there were mobile platforms it was like a desktop thing in the early aughts and uh if you ever are gay and you have forgotten what adam for adam is all you need to hear is and you're like your entire old gay body stands up because that was the sound it made when you got a message and uh it's like pavlov's bell

like all gays start drooling when they hear that noise that little alert it like trained us so yeah now what's the craziest message you ever received on adam for adam because i feel like men talk to each other i just think men are they talk they date differently they talk to each other differently like i i feel like oh my god eating around the bush oh i got one that was like i'm behind you that was the creepiest one that i got and i was like at work and i was like you know like looking around i was like i think they were like on the street and they saw somebody like like kind of similar to me or something like that but i'm behind you is definitely like the most bone chilling one but i've definitely gotten a lot

more bone chilling uh things from fans as a drag queen than I have on gay platforms for sure like like yeah like like get into it right now like one time um I was at a meet and greet with fans and this girl like pushed a stuffed envelope into my hands it was like one of those packs that has like rabbit fur or whatever in between the you know those things you like open them up and fuzz gets everywhere so i like open this thing in the dressing room and all of these tiny plastic babies come out like i'm talking about probably four or five hundred tiny little plastic babies about the size of a thumbnail and each one had been pierced through with like a hot wire so it came with the note that was like just so you know babies can be fashion you can string these up and make them

and two necklaces and bracelets and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, in that moment, I was like, I will never forget this. I will never forget getting four to 500 hot wire pierced babies in an envelope. That person has a dead body in their freaking garage, for sure. At least.

That person has a crawl space, yeah, for sure. That's a person with a crawl space. That's a person with an antique. Yeah. so what did you do with all the tiny babies I kept them because I was afraid to throw away the babies because it felt like it would

curse me do you know what I mean so I kept them for a long time I think there's somewhere here in my studio still so somewhere there's four to five hundred babies I feel like a late 70s pop star Miss Cracker you could throw them away your body your choice okay throw those babies away

throw those babies away people literally all over the country this country people throw babies away every day every day every day and there's nothing wrong what i usually do i'll just i'll just swallow them you know oh they got little holes in them so they'll they'll go down the esophagus smoother they're aerodynamic yeah so what you're saying is when people give you gifts you're just gonna hoard them until you because you're gonna get more stuff the like the more time passes so i have a i have a doormat with my face on it um which is an interesting gift it's like it's like could go both ways like what the message is there um i have all kinds of cracker memorabilia so yeah

okay but now so you are our drag expert for obvious reasons you know you're you're the most famous drag queen that i know um is there a more famous well i mean maybe rupaul but is there a more famous drag queen yeah i'm the one that you have on speed dial and that's what matters you know right well you're the one that when i put up a stupid instagram video you're like what is this um but it's all it's always the looks like it's you're always you always bring it together and it always makes whenever I see your page I'm like do I need to do drag I need to

do more right right I feel like the outfits the wig changes talk to us a little bit about like how you come up with the outfits is it people make them for you and then they like they have to do like a runaway show and you're like Miranda Priestly like yes

I like it or no I hate it do you collaborate on the looks I wish it were that way that would be closer to shopping and i love that but by the way i get a lot of uh outfit and wig switch inspiration from you too because you know you guys are serving lutes on the on the gram and you taught me that it's okay to go up on stage looking fabulous uh for your comedy crowd you know because i was used to think like i need to dress down in order to do comedy but you showed me that no give them the

cocktail waitress fantasy um what is dressing so uh what is dressing down in drag because you perform in looks so you're saying you were wearing like ivy park on stage what exactly like inc from jc penny you know like just the yeah it's all we we have the same motto you know it's all inside um hashtag tucked away uh so um but when I when I see something like uh on the street like for example one of my big outfit inspirations came from when I found this giant round frame on the street like and it was an all gold frame and I was like oh my god that looks like a halo I'm gonna design a virgin mary outfit based on uh that halo is inspiration so I like kicked the mirror kicked the mirror out of it and like made it into a halo and just went on from there so i

get inspiration from just seeing stuff a lot of the time in the trash and then i go to my designers yeah i go to my designers and i'm like this is what i envision and um yeah like in all stars when i wore that egg down the runway i just had this vision of when i was young in seattle there's one of our big mascots is this clam with legs and I was like I want to do that but make it fashion I was going to be a Fabergé egg with legs and I just told my designer like we have to make this happen somehow and they have to figure out how to make it work first of all Fabergé egg wealth second my designer Sydney we got to get to the level where we can say well I gave that to my designer and you know now i have this florida naturals orange juice wig you know what i mean

like i feel like i mean i mean not not i mean it marie i feel like it's coming in my in my body in my soul in my uterus i feel that it was it's coming and i'm not worried and especially since miss cracker is on the call miss cracker's here to let us know that we're we'll be a part of that one day at least assistant we can have an assistant oh yeah i'm for sure absolutely a hundred percent you might have a court ordered one thank you so much thank you for your support at this trying time right now so you're not you're not in the workroom slaving over a hot sewing machine i mean i do that sometimes still especially because now i'm quite broke from the pandemic

i will i will make a thing or two but i my skills aren't up there like i can make you a fierce speedo you know what i mean like i can i can whip that out and stone her to death but i can't make myself a giant egg costume you know so like i have to depend on my designers for certain things i don't have the skills for like um but there's there's one thing i am an expert in it is believing in myself like i you know i mean because i like when i first learned to make a leotard i was like i'm a seamstress do you know i mean i'm like i'm a seamstress and i did five minutes of comedy on uh tv for all stars five and i was like i'm a comedian now now bring me the hour set i'm ready yeah that comes from being that's from being a cisgendered

white male I think you know yeah it's like every time you do something you're like I can do it I'm a plumber now I screwed I screwed the faucet back on I mean I don't know if it's just the cisgender white male I feel like my dad would get a bill for something and be like oh well now I'm a plumber I will fix all the pipes um it's also a cheap Caribbean man I think if you believe in it you can achieve it well that that's my whole thing with um drag queens it's like not only do you have the confidence of a man but you also have the like that extra layer of confidence of being a woman or addressing sexy woman addressing up as a woman like an over-exaggerated woman in that like the drama and it's it's put on times 10 and i i think if i had not only the confidence of a

cis straight man but the confidence of a drag queen i could pull off way more things i'm always It's like, I don't know. But a drag queen is like, no, we are putting on mixing, matching. We're putting more hair, more lashes, more, more, more, more. And I'm always like, I'm doing too much. But it's like, no, no, no, it's never too much. It's always, you're not doing enough. Do more.

That's right. And that's what my hope for me is that when we're doing this, something good is happening. I'm hoping that drag queens help break down the idea of what a woman should behave like or feel about herself so that when women of any kind, women plus, see drag queens performing of any kind, they feel like what they're allowed to do is expanded and not shrunk.

Like a woman should watch a drag show and come away being like, wow, as a woman, you know, it's okay to dress like this and have confidence and all of this. I can do anything I want with my femininity. Because I think that a lot of people are concerned that women will look at drag queens and feel like women are being made fun of. And I think that kind of drag is a not for me. You know what I mean? I think that it should be it should make women feel like expanded, you know, empowered, empowered, empowered for sure.

Yeah. And and that's why it's like sometimes titles suck because we put that we put that on them. it's like drag queen like maybe maybe if you think about it like drag like are you dragging queens maybe I don't know it's it's hard to understand what exactly is it we know that you're dressing up and you're putting on a performance but it's more than that it's like almost like a lifestyle choice too I think that's true I think that I like I enjoy the theatrics of it the drama of it it's so extra and over the top and the things that you like lip sync to are are things that because like i feel like drag queens put their like audio together right you like chop and screw it yourselves or you decide i'm gonna cut it here you guys were doing reels

and tiktoks before they were a thing like that's what drag was i feel like you were doing the dancing you were saying the the things and but anytime i go to a drag show i i feel bad that i can't do um a flip in heels anything i feel bad about i feel bad that i can't do any of it i like not only are you singing dancing you're you're putting on you're doing jokes you're you're putting money in your bra yeah and and you're tucking your dick i mean i mean you're tucking your whole dick at all while you're doing it's a lot it's a lot yeah let's i always thought if i if i if i wrote a book it would be called i can't pee till tomorrow because i'm so yes yes my outfit you know i mean it's just like caitlin and i did caitlin and my co-pilot in life we did this

experiment where like she waited outside the bathroom and i stood in the bathtub like tucked and i was like let's find what happens if i like pee myself while i'm tucked you know what i mean and i just was like oh my god like i just my back was wet and that's it your back was so when you tuck it sucks all the way oh it goes all the way around oh wait wait wait wait hold on wait you peed on yourself tuck yeah i was just like let's see what happens if it did happen what would happen just so I could get it out of my mind. Do you know what I mean? Because I'm always afraid of peeing myself on stage

because I'm 37 years old. I pee on myself all the time. Cracker, this is 37? You look fucking fantastic. This is a Jewish 37? Yeah. Never seen it. Girl. Never seen it in my never seen it in my entire life. Marvelous Miss Maisel? How old

is that bitch? Is this Miss Maisel 37? Yeah. How old is she? They said she was what? 25? Lies. That's a Hollywood age. You know, this is a cool 32. Exactamundo. Oh, absolutely. Girl, 40.

Pushing 40. Stop it. And I'm still dewy as a decimal, you know. Dewy! Wait, Miss Cracker, do you drink? You don't drink, right? I quit drinking for like seven years. But then in la pandemique, I did have a couple of bottles of wine.

How did that go? Terrible. I feel like I aged like six years just because of bringing the pandemic. So I have stopped again. Again. And yeah, I'm like, I'm like, let's get back together. We're trying to get that pre-pandemic body back together. You know, I'm trying to look like a skeleton again, which is gay for goals.

You know, content gone. You want to be cut and gone. Got it. Exactly. I think everybody is beautiful, you know. but what I want for myself is I want people to ask if I'm okay you know that's the so your vision board is Kate Moss

that's who's on the board just a little Calista Flockhart moment okay marry Kate and Ashley marry Kate and Ashley I got it Renee Zellweger yeah you know like a chic anorexia you know chic

she's chic this is horrible body positivity body positivity body positivity girl the body is here so what were we saying we're saying something about something listen we don't have to we'll we'll we'll come back to that let's talk about these wigs that you'll be putting on because okay they're so big but there'll be like eight wigs in one wig so talk to us about yeah how that yeah how do i get mine to sit up like that yeah and how much is it because it seems like you have a really good wig budget over there

right right right right well here's the secret i'm still jewish so i do get a bargain on my wigs um i get my wigs for 25 each they're each 25 but i just beat them into looking beautiful do you know what i mean how like how so i always say this that like a wig is like a person you know when you go through struggles in your life that adds to your beauty and your complexity come on storyline let's go you know i mean and so when a wig arrives in the bag she's not beautiful yet she's not ready you need to put her through suffering so you just take a comb and you like rag every piece of hair up until it's all a big cloud of mess and then you just smooth over the very top layer with a comb so that it looks like it's all organized and that is a wig that is how

a wig works and that's how we are like we're all messed up inside and then we have this nice smooth surface and we present that to the world you know what i mean we're like everything's fine and that's what a wig is but but wait how do you that that's my thing it's like how do you maintain that does that wig stay that way or is it like op like how long can you keep one of these beaded wigs so what i do is i first of all i use uh heavy hairspray and then i use um a it's basically like an airborne yeah gorilla glue like basically airborne cement and you can wear them for like uh two to three shows but then they do come apart um so you got to start all over again but uh they can last for a little bit you wash the lace you take care of them and then the

style dies and you just comb it out and start over so wash yeah i love i love making wigs how do you combine first of all you love making wigs have never made a wig for anybody on yeah what's up with that shocking you know i love i'm ready oh if i could put you in an official ms wig i would love that for both of you especially if i gave you you two like matching wigs to go up on stage with that would be one that has a curl to the right and then one that has a curl to the left just just everything that's what we want sydney and i you know we're outside again and we're we're back to starting to do shows and sometimes people book us together because they're like who are those two hot black girls the ones that are mean yes them they're hilarious oh my god that's what we

want the next time that sydney and i get on stage together i want to have an official ms wig i want you know i want to look like judy jetson or something i want it to be yeah stuck and asymmetrical that's what i want yeah right oh black jetsons i think is your vibe both of you just retro futurism yes i love it yeah i would love to do that okay so like i would love to do that so can people who don't really have any money do drag because it sounds like you gotta have a lot of like spare change lying around to buy things and build things you can absolutely do drag with no money because i did it for years and i'm doing it again um it's just like all you need is one nice wig you can style her in a bunch of different ways you can

use dime store makeup and make it look good if you know what you're doing and if you head on down to rainbow you can get yourself a little 25 dollar like cocktail dress and you're ready you're ready get those get those rainbow pumps you know sydney sydney used to be a spokesperson for rainbow back Yeah. Yeah. It never looked like put together like y'all shit. Like you look like couture designer. Like I could never see. You know how sometimes you could see people like on the train. You're like, oh, that's rainbow. Like I have that. I have that piece. I've never seen your stuff and was like, oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah. I always thought there should be a musical called For Colored Girls Who Considered Conway When Rainbow Wasn't Enough. you know what i mean like yeah um but yeah i i think that you just you just add a little something to it you add a little you stone it here you stone it there and uh you know you get away with it yeah but like if if you want to do i i always think you were saying that drag is doing too much and i think i completely agree i think that no matter how much money you have how much money you make doing drag you should be broke because you should spend it all on making it the most fabulous drag you possibly can

and just blowing the roof off the thing. Okay. Well, yeah. I was watching Drag Race UK and one of the queens showed up in an H&M dress. Yes. She pulled up in the H&M and RuPaul was like, I don't want to see that on my runway.

You be dazzled the fuck out of that thing, huh? She showed up in H&M. They were like, what you wearing? But wait, hold on, hold on. It was just straight off the rack h&m yes like man no what happened what was she going through because sometimes you just can't pull it together sis so i just want to know what was there a death in the family girl i don't know but i didn't even know they had h&m in europe i

was shocked well i think that's where h&m originated baby yeah i don't know what she was going through was the clearance rack no no wait has that ever happened cracker has that ever happened that you like was going through it and you just feel like you couldn't you couldn't put it together like you usually do oh absolutely do you have a specific situation yeah yeah i have this uh black turtleneck dress that i wear when i'm done do you know what i mean it's just it's it's just it's a very long turtleneck and it's shiny and i made it myself out of four-way stretch spandex and when i am when i am done for the week i'm like this is what's going on i just slip her on zip her up and they get what they get and they don't get upset that day you know what i mean

that's that's my sign we call it my drag t-shirt because it's like it's it it's her a drag t-shirt yeah exactly could you do you think you could ever like coach us into doing drag i actually think i actually think there marie i think marie could do it like when it comes to the wigs the the extra eyeliner um i i like the clothes the choice of clothes is so fun and it has tons of personality I will show up in like jean shorts and a regular tank and be like

Sydney will throw jewels and diamonds and studs all over her face so Sydney you're halfway there too I'll do the rhinestones on the baby hairs I'll do that I think you are one yes I think you're one tease away from

being drag queens like I think if you had a big, Caitlyn's nodding her head like if you had um a a big fluffy wig and we went all dream girls on you then i think that you would be you could be drag queens and you would kill too all you all you have to do is like extend that cat eye wing a little bit farther shablam drag and i think you would kill the the drag scene as as uh what what do we call them now as female queens i mean you know every time i do my cat I do try to make it a little bit longer.

Cis queens. Cis queens? Yeah. Cis queens. Cis queens. I like that. I'll take it. Hey, cis queen.

But I think somebody would white call me a cis queen, and I'll be like, no, thank you. I'm all set. No, that's not right. A white woman will try to call me a cis queen, and I'll say no. It's canceled. Yeah, but a cis queen, like cis C-I-S, not S-I-S.

okay i'm just making sure you know you know you know i'm confused yeah already i'm like okay that's not pc at all i don't know you bitch okay without saying names if you don't want to names if you want to be messy and keep our pod interesting what's the worst drag queen like the worst type or the worst you've seen or like the thing that made you go like what tell us tell us the miss oh what's the worst kind of drag queen oh it's such a tough question because there's so many to choose from okay but just get specific and specifically tell us like if you were a judge on like a drag queen show if you were rupaul what kind of drag that you're just like no we don't need to see this right absolutely not get out of my house yeah get out of my

Caucasian Caucasian house yeah I mean I think if you're not making fun of beauty and you're not making fun of fashion you're not making fun of pop like it's just not for me if you're not making fun of the way the world is I just if you're serious about it that's what I I can't I can't get into you know what I mean I need people that are mocking everything because that's what I do so I you could be as beautiful as you want to you could be as fierce of a dancer as you want to but if you don't have your tongue in your cheek at least a little bit I'm less I'm less likely to be into it because we already have models and we already have fierce dancers and we already have pop divas we don't need any more of that we need people to make fun of it you know so that's that's

my thing there are exceptions like naomi smalls um uh she is very serious about her drag she's 100 a model but she kills it so hard that she breaks out that mold for me you know i mean i'm like okay all right you got me i'm into it you know yeah oh my god but uh yeah there's a lot of like if i if i see a girl being serious on the stage i'm like ah all right okay you know what I mean, like, I want that comedy. That's the clip right there. What you just said, like, not making fun and just, like, taking it too serious. And I think that's how it is with comedy in general.

Just, like, you know, the comedians that you feel like, okay, are you preaching? Is this, like, a TED Talk? Like, what's really good? Are you having fun? Like, what's the team? Where are the jokes, bitch? Yeah, yeah. I mean.

I'm down for a little nanette every once in a while. You know what I mean? Nanette! i don't know i tried to watch that recently and i was like it wasn't for you babe was not for me was it was not for you i said this is winning comedy awards interesting because i'm doing comedy wrong yes now now this is gonna be it this is gonna be an extra question this is gonna be one of those questions where you're like okay this might be too much but like how much can you make as a drag queen like a range you know like what's the lowest

amount and then what's like the highest amount i think the lowest is drink tickets you get a $20 drink or a bar tab right that is exactly correct you could get exposure that's what you could get oh my god yeah that's the lowest you could get is exposure we love that raggedy beach they have to stop with the exposure thing I mean maybe when you're just starting but just to think about how much it costs to be in this field yeah that's not

going to be enough honey like just the lowest you'll spend is like a hundred dollars on your look right but then the time the time you got to put into it you're also you're you're spending time yeah yeah

oh my god yeah so like at least pay for my uber to get there that's what i want you know um but uh so that's the lowest you can get is like exposure and then the highest you can get i think is well i mean like uh are we counting rupaul like are we counting tricksy mattel who gets like who has millions of dollars and recently bought a motel bought a motel excuse me and a bar and a house come again and a house tricksy and a house for herself and a house for her mother you're lying second house for herself is she buying the houses in detroit century yeah are the homes in detroit they're they got wheels handmade custom houses in burbank california just like that's that's

money and i'm not like like exposing her business or anything she very proudly gives tours of all these things and it's like this is what i have like do you ever lay up wondering why you're not rich and famous i don't because i am you know so it's just like so how much do we well because is it is tricksy as an example the bulk of their money coming from the work that they're booking because they do a lot of like hosting and like panel things and things like that or is the money coming from drag like are you is she saying that i need i don't know my fee to do this show is a hundred thousand dollars or something like that or whatever i mean high fees she has a makeup line she has successful youtube series she has you know successful wow series it's like i think that

she's just like at this point like trying to keep the money from coming in at all parts of the house you know what i mean and i am i'm famous for like raking in bazillions of dollars and just blowing it all immediately that is what do we know what are we spending the money on baby yeah tell us give us the list give us the grocery list remember those designers as i mentioned the stylist i just like i i'm just the middle man for like that money i'm like people pay me I give it right to my designers. I'm like, make this, blah, blah, blah, blah. But why don't they just...

So I'm learning. Why don't they just give it to you for free? Or like... Why? Like, you know... That's the question. I told them exposure, but for some reason they weren't interested.

What's the most expensive look of yours? Yeah. Because we can scroll right through the Instagram right now. Tell us everything. Caitlin, the most expensive look that I own, i think is seven thousand dollars oh and it is the finale dress that i wore for season 10 of rupaul's drag race and it was like this morning uh victorian morning gown can you send us a picture so we can post on the on the unofficial expert page that'd be great absolutely and it was like

i wanted to do like this uh bdsm victorian morning gown so it's like a morning gown but it was made all of like leather and uh yeah okay you're sniffing like nikki minaj on the on the insta live everything everything okay babe you got sinuses everything yeah when i said where did that money go um okay so here we go i'm sending it to you right now all right and it It was just, like, so much money. And the one that gagged me the most, though, was this leotard that I got that was the dazzle. Oh, my God. Ms. Cracker.

Cracker. Oh, I want to wear this to a funeral. Let's go. Oh, wow. $7,000. Is it real leather? Is that why? That's right, girl.

it was she's all real and then this one my finale gown for all stars five was roughly the same i love that i'm putting my financial business out there no we know no no yeah because because i think people don't understand how much money goes into um you know doing doing drag like yeah so i feel you guys i got a small business loan did you get a ppp you should definitely should have got a PPP. Oh, absolutely. I saw the word forgivable and I was like, I hope all is forgiven because here it goes. You know, just like.

What's your LLC? Cracker Inc. Crack hair. Miss Cracker Incorporated. Yeah. Miss Cracker LLC. Yeah. I love that.

I love that. Yeah. Well, I don't I don't have I don't have seven thousand dollars to spend on an outfit. Not yet. Not for an outfit to wear one time that one time a million people are going to see because that means I can't wear it again ever again oh wow oh yeah it just sits in the house and like what it turns out is I don't have seven thousand dollars to spend on an outfit either so I'm just like I for all stars I spent all that money you can imagine there was like what what like 14

different runways and uh they all cost so much and then I was like it's okay I'll pay with I'll pay for all that with tour and then there was no tour because of the pandemic and now she is spread thin my darling just a little schmear well now you don't have any money to buy food so you're gonna be a skeleton this pink outfit is amazing

I mean miss do we need to start a GoFundMe or like doing a little Venmo setup like what's the what's really good cause you know ask not receive not ask not whatever how do the people support you babe like are you doing

zooms like where are you going to get back out there like where can the people go to give you all their coins people can give me their coins by buying tickets to my american tour okay called she's a woman if you are listening in the europe and the uk's and such as uh you can support me by going to my club kids tour uh miss crackers comedy fun house uh and such as um buy tickets to my shows and come see me when things open up again that's what i really need and listen to my podcast she's a woman podcast which both of you ladies have been on okay here's my question all these things that you're saying are nice are there men paying for things is there a sugar daddy is there a is there a lover is there like a super fan that you banged that sends you money talk to us about

the love life of what gets cracker wet what's happening over there friend first of all I'll say no one's paying for me all the text messages that I get show up green so no she's

an independent business woman yeah she's an independent woman everything has to I need to get a sugar daddy I have thought about it many a time um like just you know you'll see a guy at a bar who's tipping in hundreds and you're like what would that life path be like do what I mean or like this is my friend he's a doctor I'm like doctor mom would be so happy but that is not doctor and ms cracker so when you see somebody tipping a hundred you see somebody tipping a at the bar how do you place yourself

strategically so they can see you or like touch your booty like how are you just watching or are you approaching well I get ahead of the game at the beginning of the show I say if you give me over $20

in tips I will sit on your lap that's all and then you know that's too low $7,000 outfit that's too low honey we need Benjamins all about the Benjamins Starting the bidding at $1,000. Agreed.

Agreed. Agreed. $20? I can steal that out of my mom's purse. Just because I gave it to you doesn't mean I have it. My mom doesn't have a pocket purse. She puts everything in her tits. Your mom has big boobs?

Large boobs. Your mom has big boobs? Very big boobs. Oh, wow. I don't know how I missed it. Ramona's titties. Wow, that's the name of Sidney's memoirs. that's sydney's one woman show um okay so there are no men like okay so you perform people you're

sitting on people's laps people are into you what's what's the what's the going home after a show situation or do you have to go home alone because you got to take everything off you're not going home with people after i know i walk home and drag and for a while that's like how i got all of my attention like i would just walk home and like nine times out of ten someone would follow me back to the apartment i'd be like it is so disgusting that i'm gonna sleep with this person you know what i mean and then but since i met caitlin she's gotten me on much better behavior and now i respect myself and love my drag and ms cracker is a professional you know always always yes allegedly it's so hard it's it's so hard to be professional you're not alone

the last time someone asked me like made a like proposition at me while i was on my way home i was like no i have lipstick on and i that's the attitude that you have to have like no we are not messing up this face for that body you know what i mean for that body i love that we're not messing up this face for that body that's merch that's merch yeah exactly put that on the pod right i need somebody to mix that up real quick and so we'll have it on uh t public and by next week what's the worst show that you ever had like did you fall did you did you forget where you were did your dress rip what's the the moment where you were like i gotta go back to school and get my master's degree what happened i remember it it's like it comes up in my mind anytime someone

asked this immediately so when i was first like getting big in new york city i got hired to do a show at a place called therapy and oh i remember we remember i didn't we do that show we did that show so the very first show i um was like i'm gonna go all out i'm gonna wear this huge like a four foot long ponytail and uh these brand new shoes and i got there and i realized i didn't have my music for the first number so i just told the dj the name of the song and i was like just play that through youtube it'll be fine so i'm backstage they're like ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage ms cracker and i can't figure out how to get my shoes on so I have to go on stage with one shoe unbuckled and while I'm introducing the show

I'm like buckling it I'm like ladies and gentlemen thank you so much for coming out tonight we appreciate it so much like the microphone on my shoulder I finished buckling my shoe I say hit that first number and I realize that I told them the right artist but the wrong song so this song comes on that i don't know and i start dancing and my four foot long ponytail comes all the way off no ma'am head no that's my biggest nightmare now what was the mushroom cut doing underneath when you when the wig came off what was the hair doing underneath oh she had this like bald cap on with just like with like a ring of duct tape i was looking like a fucking robot and I just uh it looks like someone shrunk my head because I'm all padded out down here and

I have this tiny little pan head and it was so bad that this drag queen this hateful drag queen Bootsy LaFerris like she walked right up to the stage smiled and gave me a goddamn dollar as I was standing there bald as the day I was born just and I finished that show somehow and I was fired on the spot after it was done so it wasn't until like a year later that they brought me back and that was the show that you guys were in

but that show in the first three minutes it went so wrong that I will never forget that night oh god just bald and unbuckled did you pick the wig up and wave it oh absolutely

you gotta because the worst thing is when the audience is uncomfortable blur they think you don't know something so as long as you show them that you know what's going on you're okay you know what that moment reminds me of i feel you i see you reliving it in your brain uh that scene in sex in the city where carrie bradshaw is like yeah put me in the tallest shoes i love heels i wear heels and she is like roadkill on the runway and like i think heidi clume on the runway yeah i think heidi clume gives her a dollar i don't know steps over her yeah Yeah.

It's triggering for me, just hearing, that didn't happen to me, but somehow it feels like it happened to me. Right. Yeah. Oh, Lord. Yikes. Is there anything that you feel like people listening

need to know about drag or need to know about you or need to know about Ru, whatever it is, this is a safe space. Mm-hmm. What I want everyone to know about drag is that you can do it um anybody can it's like being an uber driver you know everyone can not everyone should you know um it's like uh because i in my history i have put like straight male fathers in drag and let them live their lives like uh there's this dude that i know from the

Bronx he's a black guy he's a father he's uh he's like a manager at Macy's and um one day he was just like listen I want to give it a whirl and he I had a Monet exchange paint him and we put him in some hips and he lived his entire life for one night and so it doesn't matter who you are you could be a cis woman cis straight woman you could be a straight male you could be gay you could be a trans man you could be it doesn't matter yeah just give it um just give it a try because you may be nervous but if you get someone to paint you down and turn you to the mirror and you see yourself in the mirror you might be just like this is the night tonight's the night you know so give it whack i love that you i'm not one of those girls that yeah right i love that

one of those girls that's like yeah oh for sure I was like y'all look similar you both look like dads you both look like dads I think that's the highest highest compliment highest compliment you both look like dads

that's not a compliment for me babe which one is the dad because that's the person who I'm going to talk to tonight yeah that's I'm actually looking for my father so this this hits home for me

a mess anyway Ms. Elizabeth Cracker this was fantastic I think that we gotta wrap it up cause other people have other things that they're booked on and they gotta go yes yes yes but oh but don't forget that I made sure that I got

here early so that we can have enough of a solid time solid what a gorgeous time yeah solid time for ads i love it oh time for ads i don't have time for ads yeah interesting yeah i mean honey we it's it's a full-on hour and you know i'm so sorry yeah well we'll come back we'll come back for ads how about that that sounds good i actually like coming back for ads yeah let's do that um thank you guys so much for having me yeah tell people one more time where they can

find you or where they can stalk you where they can you know bring you weird bags of babies for you to wear yeah or just better you know if you're going to give you know Miss Cracker some gifts let me make it count maybe like a gift

card to get some wigs a gift card to get some clothes or just like a gift card for money just anything you know just a Visa gift card yeah Visa gift card always works they take that everywhere You find me on M-I-Z underscore cracker on Instagram and Venmo, okay?

Okay, our Venmo fam. Oh, and wait, on Patreon. Ooh, yes. Yeah, if one person joins today, you will double my patrons on Patreon. Wait, what can they find on your Patreon, though? because that's they really want to know because we we spill too much tea on ours and it's it's gotten some of us in trouble but like what are you doing for the for the community i answer fan advice questions um in videos in like three three to six minute videos and i show you backstage and

behind the scenes on almost everything i do plus little uh something i called a garment gab where i talked to you about how i designed and created every outfit in my collection and it's constantly creating new stuff so okay i love this for us that feels that feels very professional ours is not professional not at all not at all i'm about to go see who you were hitting on and who is hitting on you i'm about to sign up for your patreon no just go to the honestly just go to my instagram you'll see his face you'll see his face and then you'll see my face that raggedy bum um anyway uh i think we gotta wrap here but i'm so glad that you were able to come on this podcast with us and be our first guest in 17 years oh my god it was it was the reset that we needed

and i mean people have big shoes or small shoes to fill yeah because cracker wears a size seven yeah oh you fucking little foot bitch i hate you i'm damn near i'm damn near a 10 i'm the size of a boat what's wrong with you yeah cracker is a tiny rowboat yeah i'm so jelly wait show me your feet can you do that before we sign off oh cutie pie oh you must always get the shoes you get you always get the shoes they always have your fucking size okay well good for you That's why my side is never in the store Alright Crocker you and your tiny feet Anyway thank you guys

We love you Well we like you as a friend Bye guys Forever Dog This has been a Forever Dog production The unofficial expert is executive produced By Brett Boehm

Joe Cilio and Alex Ramsey Senior producer Tracy Soren Produced by Andrew McGuire Cover art by Sandy Honig To listen to this podcast ad-free, sign up for Forever Dog Plus at foreverdogpodcasts.com slash plus Check out video clips of our podcasts on YouTube at youtube.com slash foreverdogteam And make sure to follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook at Forever Dog Team to keep up with all the latest Forever Dog news.