MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Drug Expert" with Christina Galston

Episode Date: November 11, 2016

On This episode of The Unofficial Expert, Sydnee & Marie take a trippy ride into the world of drugs with Comedian Christina Galston.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For you, the listeners of Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. To earn $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts to earn free driving credit. Hey, we're at the Unofficial Expert right now. I'm Sydney Washington. I'm Marie. You don't need to know my last name. Is the feds out for you, girl? They're watching, girl. You know you're listening.

Oh, my God. They don't want you to live? No. You know, they all in my business. You know, I think I filed my taxes for the first time by myself this year. I think, I know, I did. Is this the first time you had a job that was on the books? No, normally my dad does it.

Like, he sends it to some dude who, like, works by a dumpster in McDonald's. Oh, he don't care about you talking about having a dad. Oh, yeah, I have a dad. Yeah, I'm doing better than everybody listening right now. Yes. Okay, so we're at the unofficial expert headquarters right now. And we're going to talk about what we were experts in today or this week. Marie, what were you an expert in?

I had a SoulCycle audition yesterday. It was me and a bunch of white people pedaling on bikes. I was an expert at not being prepared for that audition. Oh, no. How did that happen? i don't know these people are like i don't know you know what soul cycle is it's like a cult right it's like a bunch of people with a lot of extra money to spend who spend 35 a class right for 45 minutes to like listen to really loud music and like pedal and sweat and just look still terrible

like nobody's body is dope you know what i mean like if i'm gonna do this every single day my body should be amazing yeah anyway so i was like i want to be a teacher let's see how that goes and uh wasn't ready i uh you get three minutes to audition and you have to have two songs and you can talk to people and tell them why you want to be an instructor and my reason was this i was like why soul cycle why not that was your that was your answer that's what i said meanwhile somebody was going up before you like this is my life i love soul cycle people were up there like well you know as a gay uh teenager growing up in the midwest oh god soul cycle helped me find myself giving him their all uh it was so bad damn but i'm sure you look good though i mean i looked great

yeah you should have got the job just on your body alone i mean yeah i mean i mean i mean and what was i an expert this week uh giving really good service i was killing it on monday i was really doing what I needed to do to get that 25 percent 25 I was like hello and how are you do you normally not say hello hell no you'd be like what I mean I've seen you no I'm like uh so what y'all want I've seen you say that at work yeah yes I and I or I'll just look at them like I've also seen you pull up and just stand there I'll just be waiting and the thing is that makes makes me mad is that people be rushing you and waving a hand like oh i know what i want and then you get there and like oh wow i didn't even look at the menu hold on one second um bitch what the

fuck do you want right now or i'll just walk away in the middle of them reading the menu i'll just walk away you know what sucks though is when people go somewhere they they already know the menu like mcdonald's and they hit you with the um yeah yeah or subway they'd be like um is that lettuce let's say lettuce or the or the or the bodega it's like when you go to the bodega you know what the fuck you want you want some snacks you want a pregnancy test like this is what when you go to the bodega do you want snacks with roaches in it or do you want a pregnancy test with roaches in it it's gonna be something but it's gonna be roaches on it yeah i was really gonna give him great service uh somebody wrote me a note they were like you're fantastic i hope

you're doing something else more than this you're so good at this you should do something wow wow that's like an underhanded compliment yeah but like a really high one like the highest yeah what hold on we did not introduce our guests for the evening i'm just a floating voice yeah you were supposed to just hold off i'm sorry y'all let me hold this mic but she's a puerto rican and jewish so i'm just gonna did you see how i snuck in there that i was like i was just gonna start giggling she's like you're gonna put me in right and then and then i'll just start talking well when we started she was like i was like girl we gotta build a rapport and then come to you sorry i'm here anyway our guest christina galston thanks for having me ladies thanks so

much christina what have you been up to tell us like what you have coming up like where can people We'll find you right off top. You can find me on Facebook. You can find me on Twitter at freaking Jerican. You can find me on 47th Street and 9th Avenue waiting tables, slanging them burgers. Can we get a discount if we know you? No, and never ask me that again.

Why the fuck would I come then? You're not going to hook up the drinks or the goat cheese on the burgers? I can't get extra bacon if I know you? it's applewood smoked ladies i mean that's not cheap bacon that's thick cut thick cut dick cut bacon anyway she's a comedian right by night yes what are you by day uh just a server and a professional napper i boy i tell you i can go right to sleep get it anyway you look like you about to do that right now yeah i could sleep and do this you don't look awake right now i don't think i am are these your home clothes these are these are my house clothes um that

was supposed to be on do not disturb these are my house clothes um ow sorry and um yeah i put on a bra for you guys i did not put on panties because i don't have a lot of panties and i'm not gonna don't waste your panties exactly it's not like a waste like you guys are my friends but But, like, listen, if you have on a stretch pant, the panties are optional. Right. I mean, these are practical panties. Yeah. They're just long-ass, ankle-length panties.

I just want to see that camel toe. What that camel toe do. You don't hear it growling? No. All right. So here at the unofficial expert, we have our unofficial experts telling us, schooling us on what their experts in. So what's your expertise, Christina Galston?

I feel like I'm a bit of a drug expert. Yes. I like the drugs. How many years in the drug game do you have? Okay, well, it's interesting because unlike a lot of other young kids, I didn't do drugs at all when I was a kid. I didn't smoke weed until I was already 18 years old. I don't know if that's rare, though.

Everybody I know smoked weed all of school. And where did you live? Oh, St. Petersburg, Florida. Ah, that is the answer. Now it comes full circle. Yeah, okay. Yes, I knew eighth graders that were doing acid. These were back in the JNCO jeans days, too,

so I just feel like acid was more available back then. Did you wear JNCO jeans? Shit, yeah, I did. I used to wear mud jeans. I remember mud. Two Ds. And I used to wear LEI jeans

The problem was Is that I was so skinny That I wanted the jeans To fit tight But I was like taller Than the tight Than the tight size

So I would just wear Those high waters Like I would put Stretch pants Underneath my jeans What? Why?

So I could be thicker I was like I need that ass I didn't know I was skinny Until I got to high school And it was like Damn Where the rest of your body at?

And I was like Oh Am I thin? I was like a zero in jeans. I was a zero. I was a double zero. Yeah, I was really tiny. I was never a double zero, but I was really tiny.

They used to ask me in middle school if I ran into a wall. Wait, why? Because your body was so flat? Because I didn't have no titties. Well, they came in. The girls came in. They're there. Oh, yeah, they are.

Oof. They came in. Oof. Okay, back to the drugs, Christina. Oh, yeah. So, I, yeah, the first time I ever smoked weed, I also happened to be The first time I ever masturbated

That was just by accident You had two in one? Yes Yeah, you did a twofer? I did a twofer We were drinking Just That was the first time

I was ever high And then I went to use the bathroom And I went to wipe And I was like Hey, yo I'm gonna be a little longer Wait I don't

This isn't a number one Or a number two This is a number four Wait, where were you Whose house were you at? Some white boy's house We were like doing like just hanging out in like a hot tub drinking smoking 18 it was the first time you masturbated

and smoked weed yes and wait but you had been drinking for a while yeah yeah how old were you when you were drinking i started drinking at 18 christina give me something like i was 12 and a half like no i really didn't i really didn't i wasn't when i was young i really didn't do any of that when i got older i mean yeah wait so what how old were you when you lost your virginity yeah um i was when did you bust it open i was 15 okay so you bust it open at 15 but didn't touch yourself till 18 oh yeah i thought that was totally weird i was i had no i had no like uh it was like from one extreme to the next i'd be like oh i'm not gonna let him finger me but i'll definitely suck his dick because that's fair right like i had no logic it didn't make any

No, no, that was a lot of young girls. You weren't alone in that. I definitely, that was my logic as well. Well, the two of you guys were alone in that. Because I was like, you want to do what? Yeah, nah, I'm out now. You want to put your dick where? You want to, did you just say the word dick to me?

Yeah. In earth science? Dude. So you smoked weed at 18. What was your next drug? The next drug that I did was cocaine. How soon after the weed was there? Oh, that was like years later.

I was very, first off, in high school and growing up, because my dad's a drug addict, I was always like, drugs are lame, people that do them are lame. And then I smoked weed, and I was like, well, it's not that lame. And then I did coke, and I was like, well, this is fucking awesome. And if there's ever a reason to forget about your kids, it's this. And you did coke? She didn't even do crack. No, I told, no, I didn't.

My sister did crack, and I definitely was like, yo, that is off the list. I will never touch crack, ever. Yeah, that was definitely something that, well, I knew that my dad was smoking crack at an early age. Like, we, for Christmas one year, we were, you know, my grandmother, she lived in a nicer part of Florida. She would come and get us, and I remember we were, like, pulling into a gas station. I'm like, why is she pulling into this hood-ass gas station? And I see my fucking dad is there, like, looking homeless as hell. she just like picked him up he was smelly that's awful um like took us back to her house and was

just kind of like trying to act like i mean i was already like seven at this point yeah so i'm not retarded you know what i mean and our home is already so broken and so i was like well he's clearly homeless and smells like piss and it was just like it was like heartbreaking but also really endearing because you know that's her son you know what i mean like when you're a mom you're always gonna like take care of your kid so she like uh took us back to her house where we were gonna do christmas and like ran in ahead of him and like all the gifts were all of a sudden from him you know what i mean i'm like thanking him for art set that i know he didn't buy yeah yeah that i know he's ready to smoke like he's just looking at all my presents like boy i could smoke

all this shit right here i don't remember who it was but somebody told me that they uh they smoked crack and the high was cool but like the actual taste of the crack was like straight like crap like it tastes disgusting when it's going down but it feels good when it comes i couldn't believe that because it's like my aunt does crack and i remember my sister was living with her and she was like dude you can like just smell it sometimes like when the people come over or whatever and they're you know getting the fucking crack sweats that you just smell it coming out of their pores that's a no for me i can't my sister just seeing my sister on crack for the first time And I was like, like, her voice, I could feel her voice being, like, gone.

She could barely talk. Well, yeah, because that's got to be, like, just singeing. Yeah. There's just, like, straight up poison. But crackheads are so nice. Like, they open doors all the time. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Sydney, how old were you when you saw your sister on crack the first time?

About 13, 14. What did you do? Because I remember being a young kid and it still being, like, horrible things are happening around you. you know what i mean and people are not hiding it because you're a kid and how dare you have an opinion about anything you better mind your fucking business was it like that when you were growing up where you were like well that's pretty fucked up and weird and making me uncomfortable but i'm definitely not gonna ask any questions about it i don't know i was just like i'm black this is like some black black it happens like it's in the hood you're like okay like this is not

i wasn't like i don't have any crackheads in my family yeah i uh i have a dad and uh he don't do crack. Wow. Way to rub it in our face. My mom doesn't do crack. My sister is super healthy and her body is a temple. Everyone's really happy for you and your beautiful Cosby family. We really are. No, it's not a Cosby family. It's the

Smiths. Not the Smiths. What was Uncle Phil? What was their last name? Oh, shit. The Winslows. No, that's Carl. That's Carl Winslow. What was Will Smith and them's last name? Banks. Banks. The Banks family. You are such a Banks.

so back to the drugs so you know i was doing yeah cocaine i was doing coke uh at a bar that i was working at me and there was a girl that worked there that was like addicted to xanax and she was like the kind of girl that would show up to work on xanax drink and then need to wake up like the cocaine was a necessity for her so then it started being like you know when you're sad like that you don't want to be the only one doing coke so i had never done it before sharing and she was sharing with me it was really nice but you know that shit don't be lasting for too long you know what i mean that lasts like two bags and then she'd be like so did you want to go have on the next bag and then and then once you start really doing it a lot you're like when she asked like

oh do you want to go happy like actually could i just get my own bag yeah i was thinking i would just get my own for me did you wait did you how long did you master like not paying for drugs Because for me, I mastered it for at least... Ten years? No, bitch. Two years. Oh, no. I don't...

See, I'm not into the people paying for stuff for me if I'm not getting it fast enough. No, I have zero patience. I have zero patience. Okay, and that was the end of the unofficial expert. I'm just like, no. Thank you, Christina Galster. Bye. I just pay for it myself.

Well, that's the other thing, too, when you're working in a restaurant. Awful. And you have so much cash on you. I was just like... Were you working in a restaurant? or were you working at a strip club? I used so much cash.

No, I had a lot of cash on me too. And you were working at a strip club. Okay. No. We used to hide the coke in a tampon box

in the bathroom and we would just like go in there all the time and use like the other end of the tampon as like a... Never did that. That's too big.

This is some new shit. This is why you're the drug expert. What kind of thin ass tampons were in that thing that you were able to use that huge cardboard carton

that they have? Okay. Who buys cardboard tampons? I mean, I don't have a lot of panties, but I'm definitely not using cardboard tampons. What were you using? I feel like when you go to the bathroom, they always have, like, the big cardboard joints. No, we bought a box of good tampons. Oh, name brand.

And then just ripped off the, you just take the stick out, the little applicator stick. No, never. What we would do is we would have Chanel compacts. Look how you just started talking differently. Chanel compacts, like mirrors, and we would put it underneath the makeup. so we'd be powdering our noses and powdering their noses oh that's really so classy i was just like somebody passed me some keys son that's crazy my first experience with cocaine uh my roommate in college freshman year was like

marie do you have a straw and i was like yeah girl you know me straws are juice straws and she cut one up and then you know i'm just were you like as soon as she cut the straw were you like, oh, I didn't know you was going to do that with it. You can't be cutting my straws up. No, I was like, she must be drinking a really tiny juice. Because I don't know nothing about no damn cocaine. And she puts the coke out, and she starts cutting it up,

and she starts doing these lines in front of me, and I was like, what? I had never seen somebody do cocaine in front of me. Desecrating the dorm room. Desecrating my straws. She didn't even care. She was like, put a little bit on your tongue. It's super good. I was like, no, Holly.

I've got class after this. And then after that, she started, like, dudes would start coming into our window. We lived on the first floor. And they would, like, they'd tap on the glass and be like, is Holly here? And they would come in, do some drugs, and then be like, bye. Was she a drug dealer? No, she was just, like, somebody who was really open with sharing her cocaine with her frat brothers. So, cocaine.

So, cocaine. I stopped doing that because it just got lame. And it starts to bother her. Wait, how did it get lame? Well, it just got lame. I just feel like the hangover with cocaine is just so much worse. Very congested. Once that drip starts happening, too, that's disgusting.

The Colombian flu. Yeah, you're always blowing your nose. You just look like an asshole. You're just dripping everywhere. All the time, yeah. You're dripping. So how long did you do cocaine for? Probably a year.

That's it? A year every day or a year every shift that you were on? Every shift that I was on Well then What happened Then I moved to the Heights And I was living with a guy A Dominican guy

That was also renting a room there That was selling cocaine So he used to come to my room And just give it to me For no fucking reason And then I started buying it You were very blessed What a gentleman

At that time I was getting it for free But even then You don't want to be Taking too much shit for free From some Spanish guy That rents a room there too You know what I mean

Like You gotta be careful Plus his coke Is not coming in bags He's wrapping that shit In aluminum foil No Already

Don't trust you That means it's mixed. It's not clean Coke. Yeah, it's baking soda. Girl. That feels real. Baking soda. You got baking soda.

I was shitting a lot on that batch. So you moved on to Coke. Boom. You moved to the Heights. And then what did you jump to next? I went to go visit my dad at one point. Oh, you're trying to give a backstory. This is good.

Yeah. It's got to be good. I went to go visit my dad in the woods. I had lost some teeth Wait So Wait Can you step back

How did you lose these teeth This is a great story I lost these teeth Just from not taking care of my teeth And smoking a lot I got an abscess in my mouth And so They needed to be like

Emergency removed What I don't even know what an abscess is Yeah exactly Well it's like Horrible And if it ever gets on your body You have to remove it right away

Because if it bursts You could die So Because there's like shit in it So Not like shit But like whatever Toxic

Yeah like horrible shit for your body so basically i have one like growing in between these two bottom teeth right here and so it was like the most painful thing in my life i'm thinking they're gonna like uh operate on my mouth and i could feel them the teeth being loose like i would bite into things and it was like it was terrifying you know what i mean so and then the back of my mind i'm like i'm not gonna i'm not about to lose teeth as a grown woman like that's not gonna happen how old were you this was like five years ago and so um so you were like 35 fucking bitch marie age shames motherfuckers i just turned 30 yeah i will not

have you speak to me in this way oh thank you that's right um no so uh yeah so i get depressed these teeth have to come out whatever I get super depressed and I decide my dad lives in in the Emerald Triangle in California

where they like grow and sell pot so you know I just went there to go live with him and found out that he was doing crystal meth

oh there it is there it is all that yeah you had to talk about the woods before you got to meth

well because I just don't want I just don't want you to think that I was doing it in a nice place listen nobody does meth in a nice place

Well, some people do. Actually, yeah. But as soon as you do it, whatever place turns into a meth den. Like, that's what it is. That's true. Like, it's just automatic. I mean, you did meth here, so it's a meth den. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Breaking bad. Off job. Yeah, so he basically, I knew he was doing stuff, and I just didn't know what it was. What was his movements? Like, what was his behavior on meth? Yeah, what's the meth behavior? Well, there's two types of meth people.

There's the type that like to pick and that think that they have bugs on them. You know, so they have a lot of sores. They look really scary. And then there's the type of meth head that just needs to fix something. So that's the guy that's outside in the rain with an air conditioning with all the pieces laid out on a towel for no fucking reason. Where are they at? Taking ACs apart, mixing it with other parts, putting it back together. Does it actually work, though?

Never. It never works again. Because I'm like, should we hire them? No. I mixed this AC unit with a lamp now the lamp tells time I would love a light up air

conditioner like that is beautiful that's exactly what he would do I want a spotlight and an AC so he was fixing stuff you went out there to stay with him I went out there to stay with him then I think I think he just felt like do you want to try this

he shared it with you yes he asked me if I wanted I was like what is it that you're doing I would just I'm curious to know in here because he was one night we had two trailers and i was in my separate trailer because i wasn't living with my dad and i called him one night and i was just like hey dad do you want to smoke a joint or whatever and he's like don't come over here i'm being weird i'm smoking something else yeah and then that's when i was like and then that's when i was like well what is it that you're doing you know and then i thought it was going to be like this amazing

thing because you know you just well it is kind of amazing for people i mean fergie used to really dig it if you know anything about Fergie. Super meth head. I'm trying to think of a Fergie song and I cannot think of one to sing right now. Lundy, lundy, lundy. Glamorous, glamorous. Is that the same song?

Yeah. Either way, they'll sound like meth tunes. It sounds like meth making music. Oh yeah, that does sound like that. So the first time you did meth, boom. Wait, he told you not to come over, so of course you went over there. Of course I went over there. No, then later on he was like, this is what I'm doing,

crystal meth and i was like how oh he whispered it i'm doing meth well i don't think that's something that you shout yeah hey i'm doing meth well you definitely don't want to shout it in that neighborhood because everyone's gonna be like there's meth over there excuse me miss can you tell me how to get to broadway i'm doing that i swear to god when i was there there was like a guy there that was like low-key trying to hit on me or whatever and he's like i remember he was like a meth addict as well and he's just like uh i just gotta tell you you have one of the most beautiful smiles and I'm like I'm missing teeth oh my god you went out there with no teeth of course I went to live in the woods because I had no teeth well I mean I feel like to them I banished

myself oh no I was the most beautiful girl there actually I had somebody yell out that they did meth when I was at a comedy show because I asked like what was the wildest thing you've done with another person yeah meth mama so my dad went to one of your shows so how many times did you do it keep it real i was there a little over a month i probably did it five times that doesn't make you an expert in meth that makes her more of an expert than me what is the meth how do you do meth okay yes you do it just like it's it feels it the way that you're doing it makes you feel like you're smoking crack because it very it feels very crackish it's a crack pipe i mean it's that glass dick so oh okay i've never smoked

meth it's a glass the cheapest the clear glass pipe that you would use why are you looking at me like that to smoke crack i have never okay okay okay okay but meth is the one that has like ammonia in it and like cleaning solution and like oh yeah baby feet and stuff yeah that's why like the worst person that ever is around meth is the cook because the person that makes the meth

is usually psychotic because they're just breathing in that shit all day. It drives you crazy. And it's super flammable, right? Yeah.

So like you can blow up and like if you're hot, your breath is too hot, it's blowing up. Yeah, there's like mobile meth labs where people like die and shit.

Yeah, yeah. Because they're just like on meth and driving like in a car and just like being crazy, making meth. The first time I did it, I was,

it was by accident. I thought it was cocaine. Oh, you snorted meth. Yeah. That sounds worse. Well, can I just say, the meth high is not, I was not impressed. I was very impressed. I was not impressed at all.

A bitch went to the bodega in a tutu. Jordans. Oh my God, Sydney. I had like glasses on. Sydney, wow. I had a cat suit. It was, you sound like somebody who lives in Williamsburg. Yeah, it was, right?

No, not in the hood. You don't do that in Harlem. But why did you go to the bodega to do that? Did you dress like that before you did the meth? No. Did you do the meth in the hood? Yes. Girl.

Wow. Yeah, I'm shocked. But did you get it from a Spanish dude who was renting a room? No, my roommate had it and we were eating Papa John's and he wasn't eating the Papa John's and I was like, what's going on, dude? I just bought this pizza. He's like, what's going on? You want to live?

You want to really? You want to stop fucking with that pizza and be an adult? He's like, I think we need some different seasoning on the pizza. Boom. Meth. Oh, you know what? I'll tell you what. Meth is best.

Best taken on a Papa John's slice. The Hawaiian type. That's the best way to do that. With a little bit of pineapple. Oh, yeah. You get a white cheese slice, and then you can't even see the meth. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah. So your roommate, did I meet this roommate? Actually, yes. Yes, you did. I feel like I know exactly who you're talking about. You know who this roommate is. yes he looks like he would do that yeah yeah absolutely absolutely and so so how do you how

do you quit meth you the high wasn't impressive so you were like nah it just felt like adderall to me it felt really lame and like i had just smoked you know crack and got an adderall high i just felt like it was going to be an amazing high again i wanted to forget my children so i just wanted you didn't even have exactly what other drugs have you done is meth the craziest thing that you've yeah what did you guys need me to yeah just tell us what have you have you done acid ketamine no i was supposed to do acid okay so i really wanted to do acid the other day and then my dad called me and um he got too excited about it and now i don't want to do yeah well your dad should be my dad i wouldn't want him touching anything in here i gotta be

honest i wouldn't even let him sit on this couch my dad has a smell that i'm smelling right now Oh, man. My dad is just a woodsman. So wait, what you trying to say? Somebody smells like it? No, I mean, like, it's the kind of smell that I could just smell it right now. Have you done shrooms? Yes.

Oh, yeah, I did shrooms not too long ago at Six Flags. That was a bad place to do shrooms at. Yeah, I wanted to. Kids are there. I was supposed to do shrooms, and I had to connect, and they're still sitting in his fridge. I cannot see you doing shrooms, Maria. I'm sorry. Why?

I feel like it comes from the earth. Oh, God. You're already saying things that you're not prepared. I did it, it was awful I'm not prepared, it was awful It was awful Your body goes down Like out of everything I've done

Like I would do crystal meth again Like, but shrooms You would do crystal meth again? I mean But not shrooms? Now that we're talking about it Shrooms is awful I had a bad trip

I thought the fan was attacking me Like, so I Fans can do that though They're bitches I thought the fan was attacking me So I hid in my walk-in closet For about two hours Oh, that sounds terrible

Were you like going down? because my body was just like, I'm going to the floor. I was literally at Six Flags laying on a piece of grass for a half hour. Wait, where is there grass at Six Flags?

We found some, bitch. There's patches of grass. That was the mushrooms. Can I just say... It was probably cement. Six Flags, yeah. Six Flags is like the best place to do drugs at.

These people just step right over your body. They really do. You are literally... I was writhing around on the ground and they're just like, oh, excuse me,

watch your step there. like nobody there's people there that are really really on drugs at six flags no i've never done it's like the walmart of theme parks no i would not wait so have you ever done ketamine no what's that special k oh special k oh i did that once and how was that it was just like coke it wasn't that big of a you are really hard to please miss christina galston what's the best drug you've ever done like the best high you've ever gotten oh i guess um the first time i ever did molly was really great but i also think i was just having a great night while i was doing it that night i could see you just having a great night regardless yeah but like the first few times i did molly god

it was like the best night ever i mean we were just up all night it was just like drinking drinking drinking you know and then just like it was just fun i could feel my hair growing i want to do Yeah, I definitely want my hair to grow. Yeah, that's where I got these baby hairs from. And they are sitting. They are laid. Suavemente. The first time I did Molly, I was at Pasha.

Oh, God. See, that sounds horrible to me. Oh, it's intense. So it's like a super club. It's too much of that doom, doom, doom. The music, the fog. There's so many people, though. There's go-go dancers, people half naked.

Everybody's touching you. There's a transsexual that's, like, seven feet tall. That's, like, literally suspended from the air. Like, it's ridiculous. I can't believe this place closed. Yes. I would have taken you. Is Pasha closed?

It is closed. Oh, good riddance. So you first take it, and then your body is, like, trying to get used to it. So you get really cold. So I was shivering. Like, my mouth was like. And so I just laid near the speaker, and it made me feel safe. So I was just hugging the speaker for about 30 minutes.

Then you get that wave and you're like dancing and you're like, oh, I'm fucking Beyonce. So I was giving like there was a fan and I was like my weave was flowing and then you could see my edges and I didn't care. And it was like, oh, she's doing body rolls in front of the fan. Yeah, and then I saw this girl that I ended up dating, but I was doing like a bird dance, like a mating call. I don't know what that is, but Molly is making people fall in love. Molly is bringing people together, I see it. It's true, it's true.

It was awful. The Molly was awful or the experience was awful? No, the experience was good until I thought I wanted more, so I took more that same night, the same night. That's where things get stupid. Because I got to the club at 12 a.m. And were you snorting it or drinking it? Drinking it.

You can drink Molly? Yeah, you put it in your drink. You should drink Molly. You should not snort it. No, no, no. And if anybody is with you and they've started snorting Molly, grab your purse. Leave. You need to make sure you have your belongings.

Wait. Because this is hardcore. I thought Molly was a pill that you just popped. No, it looks like fish food. Yeah, it's powder. Ah. Wait, why not snort the Molly? No.

it was holes in your brain basically and it's like so when you're drinking it you're like it's really bad i could not fathom snorting it that's just like i just feel like as soon as you do that just blood comes out just saying right away listen it is not i've had some crazy molly like in mexico wait wait wait wait you had mexican molly yes i did that sounds like yes suicide. I had Mexican molly. Sounds like a gangbang. And the girl who did it thought she was having an orgasm and she

was coming. Wait, wait, wait. She hits the molly. How fast does the orgasm come? Does she drink it and she's like, oh god. Oh god. As soon as she picks her head up from the cup, she's like ah. No, like 30 minutes later.

She thought she was having an orgasm or was she? Are you feeling what I'm feeling? I wasn't touching her. you said she thought she was but she was it was i was staying in a room with another girl well a couple girls and she was just like convulsing and maybe she was having a seizure but after yeah they're like i don't know she's like somebody get a spoon she started nutting all over the place they're like uh she died she has epilepsy she was like i need a towel and they're like to wipe herself off and it was like no to cover her face she's dead

she said she was coming but she might have had a seizure for sure that's hilarious that happened to me once when I took too many edibles I went camping glamping of course you would be glamping

I'm going to be on a mountain in the woods somewhere I'm camping and my campsite is right next to a 7-Eleven with a luxurious bathroom it was in Beacon so not that far from the city we took a train up a metro north

I was like this is nice oh wow the conductors had on like suits I was like this is so classy and we get there

and then the way that the camp is set up the people who run the site pick up your bags drive them to the site but you have to hike the rest of the way to the site

no thank you and then we get there and it's like they got like laundry on the scene there's like running water and showers

but you gotta like go down a hill to get to that were you with Oprah and Gail like what the fuck it was super cute And then everyone gets their own little porch with their own little roof, and that's where

we set up our tents. Wait, there's a porch? There's a little porch area. Anyway, listen, glamping, glamorous camping. So my friend had made these bomb-ass brownies, right? We all took one. I was like, did I see everybody take a second one? Took a second one.

I was like, did I see everybody take a third? Oh, no, Marie. Bitch, you great. Not the third. The second one, okay. Everybody stopped at one except me, but I swore I saw them take... I was like, did I just reach back in? Because they're so good.

They're so good. They sneak on you. And my friend is like a dope ass chef. Anyway, so I start twitching and could not. Because you're like, it's like. Your body is. But my whole body was twitching. Like all of it.

And it was right around the time that the guy had just taken those bath salts and like ate that dude's face on the freeway. Remember that? Yeah. That happened in Florida. It was right after that had happened. And they're like, oh my God. She gonna eat our faces.

So they threw me in a sleeping bag and legit zipped the whole bag up and like slid me onto the porch and let me go to sleep to die. You had to sleep. They were trying to kill me. No, you had to sleep that off, though. Yeah, but girls. Once you start that, though, you really can't stop it.

There's not anything that's going to stop that. No. Milk? Yeah, that's what she needed. Who brings milk to a campsite? Glimping. Glimping. Why would you not? I didn't say they had refrigerators. Why would I bring milk? He had all the liquor in the world. We got everything you need, baby girl,

except a refrigerator. Don't bring your frozen pizzas over here. We can't do that. Oh my God, dude. Yeah, no, I've gotten the twitches before. That sucks. Yeah, but every time I've done edibles, I always do too much.

Always. I always do too much. That's because it's a delightful thing like edibles. You know what I mean? Like it's like a, like you said, it's good. It's tasty. Before you know it, you've eaten like three of them. Well, there's that guy who like,

he's always at all the comedy shows and he has like all the edibles like in his coat. I love that guy. And like edibles with gum and popcorn and peanuts. He is the greatest and the devil. He's the greatest and the worst. That's like, anytime that you get your edibles from a white person,

it's always like, you know, it's about to be some shit. Because they're very caring, too, when they give you the edible. It's like, they always say, where are you going to be in three to four hours? Are you going to be with a friend? Are you going to be safe? Are you going to be in a safe space? No, he always goes,

he'll give me a lollipop and I'm like, oh, can I take the whole thing? He'll be like, do you have anything to do tomorrow? Yeah. Just take half. How's your week looking? Yeah, he's very considerate about it. He's like, how many events do you need to go to this week? Do you have work tomorrow?

No, just break off a piece. That's so funny. He's a nice guy. Have you heard about this K2? Have you done that? Never done K2. I remember when it first came out, my sister smoked it a few times. What's K2?

It's that shit that... Synthetic. The synthetic weed that you remember the other day, all those people passed out and um wherever it was off of a overdose of it i was speaking with um how do you make synthetic marijuana well they've been doing it for years and the problem get into it expert drug person the problem is uh that when it first came out this is and again k2 is the same thing that i don't know if you guys remember when demi moore had that freak out called 9-1-1 um years ago when she was like on the phone with 9-1-1 and she was like i smoked marijuana i

can't breathe dumb shit like that then they get there don't remember that you guys don't remember this oh my god who i'm sorry am i you're about bruce's xx yes demi more called 9-1-1 right after her and ashton broke up and um oh i see that she she freaked the fuck out and um she was like i can't breathe i had this marijuana they got there and they were like it wasn't marijuana it was like this incense it's when like the k2 was first coming out so people were like oh it's like potpourri-ish like it's not that bad and it kept getting outlawed again and again because what will happen is they'll say uh you can't have this ingredient in it so then they'll take it off the shelves and then they'll make it again and they put it out with a different name you know what

i mean it's on shelves like yes it's on shelves next to the four loco people sell this in those places are getting shut down every day but they'll still sell it again you know there's certain bodegas that you could buy it at especially in arlo they have it in the bodega there's like they're like literally two or four dollars i don't even think it's like expensive that's why it's so easy it's cheaper than crack any drug is cheaper than crack cheaper than four dollars k2 is cheaper than crack for sure listen anything that's synthetic or man-made i don't want no parts of well you know i synthetic hair it's not it's not that bad i'm talking about like in my body oh like drug wise no i feel you yeah but like i just think it's weird that

they keep pulling it off the shells and then it comes back out like you shouldn't want anything that's like that that they can't it's not out long enough for it to be even tested at all you know what i mean on the market and then now people are literally dropping dead from it whereas in the beginning it was just kind of like gross and you know like another thing that people were doing for a while salvia is that was that salvia oh salvia is always something that people do but you you got to get your hands on salvia salvia is like from the fucking jungle got to get your hands on it salvia is it opium it's a plant right yeah what happens with salvia is that it looks like shake like the dusty parts of the weed like the end of the bag no thank you um and when you

smoke it it's immediate like as soon as you smoke it the last time i smoked it i remember i drooled all over my friend's comforter because i feel high just you talking about it it was well salvia is really nice the high is nice but you're going down down baby like you're going down like if you is and you're you're laughing the whole time you just feel really good but it's quick it's over legal though right i'm not i'm fuzzy on those details excuse me drug expert well i need somebody yeah unofficially i i don't know even i don't even know where you get it from honestly you gotta go to like brazil anybody that's you gotta go to like brazil anybody that's going down to the Olympics in Rio.

Get it. Just bring back a couple kilos of salvia. I ain't got no money. Just bring it on your own. Yeah, don't bring it. But Christina doesn't like to not get to pay for stuff.

Yeah, she wants to pay. I'll pay. I'll pay for it. Because then, guess what? It's mine. I'm not borrowing shit from anybody and maybe I'll let you

have some of mine. I don't know. Christina, best drug to have sex on? Percocet. What? I would not expect that. Percocet?

Percocet all day. What? Oh my God, Percocet. Percocet. Tell us why. Tell us the story. Percocet's great. Percocet just gets you, number one, in a great mood to do anything,

be it your boyfriend or the dishes or... Or your boyfriend on the dishes. Or a work shift. Like, Percocet, I'm getting in a good mood just talking about it. It makes me... Dishwashers around town. Percocet. Listen, and so the Percocet just works in a way

where you feel just warm and fuzzy all over. Now, before the itchiness starts... Wait, it leads to itchiness? It can make you a little itchy, just like your body. So I used to take it and be like, I want to get home so I can get naked and like brush my body. So I would get naked and get a brush and just be like, oh, yeah. So it just makes you really warm and like in a way that's like from the inside. And then you can like fuck for, oh, my God, for like hours.

Christina, I'm just looking at you. Yeah, and you're starting to itch. I'm thinking of you being naked, just brushing your... Like, what kind of brush? Like a wig brush? No, like a hard bristle brush. Yeah, like the hard brush. Give me that hard shit.

Like the dudes that be on the train? Yeah, and I'm just like this, brushing my tits. Oh, my God. Because they're itchy. So sex is just bitter? Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, it's really good.

Like, something about it just, oof. You know what? It feels better than Molly? Yes. I like it, because it's like more of a sustainable high. I can do that, and you can be outside. Everything's fine. You don't look.

like you're super high but you're like really high you're good on percocet the only thing you might you know get a little itchy you might fall asleep i uh i did percocet and i hooked up with a girl in the bathroom and then in a taxi did you feel hornier on percocet because that should be making me i don't know because i also had eight shots of all right patron yeah so i was like well well we can't what i can't really help you is it because because i'm drunk or the percocet it's Probably just both. I felt like it was both, but I would have never hooked up with her in the bathroom. I know that.

The bathroom of where? But wait a minute. When lesbians say hook up, does it mean like finger banging? 10 June. The club? Yeah. Remember 10 June? Listen.

Remember 10 June? Wait, now I want to know what you mean by hook up, too. Because when you guys say hook up, what does that mean? Because when I say hook up, I mean like his dick was probably in some sort of... Yeah, no, that's not what I mean when I say hook up. Oh, what are you saying? I was playing chopsticks. Oh, my God.

What is that? What are those? What is that? I feel like lesbians need to be touched real hard down there. Their pussies are just like, come harder than that. No, girl. Now you end up throwing gang signs and doing... They got those AP pussies.

They got those advanced... I know. They're doing the Helen Keller on this bitch. Lesbian. Water. Lesbians fingers are so quick Like you don't even need to do It's like

Very dexterous It's like Spiderman You know when he brings his hand up Wait lesbians have really quick fingers? Sydney said I can show you better than I can tell you Actually I'm not an expert lesbian So can't do that Sydney you can't show us?

No I cannot I'm going to need the expert to come in and show us Wait so what do you mean by hook up? You still didn't tell us Yeah. Oh, she said she was playing the chopsticks. She was finger banging. I was playing the chopsticks.

Was she playing your chopsticks? Well, yeah, playing each other's chopsticks. Yeah, both of us. Lesbians look so weird to me. They're just in the bathroom like, oh, oh, yeah, you, oh, yeah. Fuck both of you. That's exactly what it looks like. The whole time you banging on the door.

I need a pee. Can I come in here? And they're like, we just got in the right position. Back off of the door. No, you know what it was? It was one of those like open bathrooms and the bathroom attendant was there. We were in the private stall Oh, the bathroom attendant was listening to all of them

Nah, I had to hit her off with like $25 Thanks for letting me fuck here Yeah, but she was like Most people just go in there to do drugs They don't go in there and do each other She was judging the shit out of y'all She was She was Senegalese

Yeah, she was judging y'all She was like, these sinners, they go straight to hell She just like, she just like Slides some baby wipes under the door No, she didn't have baby wipes And a pack of gum She was like, here, you put that in there y'all so nasty

oh shit sinners so Percocet both of you guys have done that both of you guys have smoked weed both of you guys

have done meth both of you guys have done coke both of y'all have done molly I mean Sydney we didn't even need Christina here

we've both done shrooms I just needed somebody else to not make me look bad so I was like this is the only reason y'all haven't hung out with me and then you came here

and I was like I'm not impressed yeah she didn't well you did have your dad she wanted a crack whore story I wanted you to be I'm twitching while you're telling this story.

Sorry. I wanted you to be drooling. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you on drugs? Any drug. What's the craziest? Like, you woke up and you're like, am I in San Antonio right now? Like, what's the craziest thing? I think doing meth with your dad, that tops.

Yeah. That's the top of it. I can't even imagine that. We did that a few times. I don't even know what my dad looks like, so I can't even envision a man. Way to bring the mood back down to me. i can't even imagine like splitting a bottle of rose with my dad i'm like you didn't put in for this i will say this like crystal meth is not cheap and when i first when i first was doing

it it was definitely like a thing where you know it's like me him and like another person you know because so obviously they split the bag or i don't know how it worked but you just see everybody watching the pipe you know what i mean like is she wasting it is she wasting it you know what i mean like don't waste it you gotta inhale as soon as i light it because as soon as it gets lit it's already have you ever done heroin no god i could never do that i'm like really i could never steps did you do heroin no but i'm like how many steps do you get to fuck you how many steps you've literally done everything i've done you fucking dumb bitch single thing how many steps do you get i feel like sydney's like this she's like i just wanted you to come and tell my crack horse story

that I don't want to tell people. Why couldn't you tell? Why didn't you just tell me what the story was and I could have told it for you? Sydney's been texting Christina this whole time and Christina's only, she's telling Sydney stories in the first part too. I'm just telling Sydney stories.

I don't have a dad, so this is not my story at all. I will say this. I wanted to do the acid, but my dad got too excited about it and now I don't want to do it anymore. Do you have the acid? A friend has the acid,

but he got way too excited. He was like, oh God, oh god it's gonna change your life it's gonna change your life you're finally gonna be and i quote one of us and that's when i was like oh my god maybe i don't want to do it i would have thrown my phone out maybe i don't want to do it anymore so we have to quiz you we're gonna ask you three questions okay i hope i get them right yeah i hope so too because girl then this is a waste of all our time yes this is how we this is how you we crown you the unofficial expert okay of drugs

okay um so what is another term for meth that's not crystal pop rocks is that is that i don't even know if that's right is that right i know i could say anything you guys actually don't know if it's right i could say wait hold on the correct term is tina tina yes tina all right all right well shit that's one what's the next one okay oh wait here let me can i ask this question yes how do you pass a drug test a urine test because that's the one i know how to pass how do you pass a urine test well you're just gonna need to get yourself some pee that's not yours because you are a dirty dirty bird how are you gonna do that yeah where you find his pee room well do you have small children because that'll work um

i mean that's the cleanest pee you're gonna get right there baby pee it's gonna be too clear though they're gonna be like that's true that's true you're thinking i'm getting too eager no you just want to find some pee some clean pee um you're gonna need to put it in like a vial or like a bag or something it's easier for women because we could put it in our bra all which is good because you need it to be when you pass the pee off to the person it needs to be warm like it came out of your body not like yeah so if you keep it on your on on your person you can uh you can do that just fine if you don't trust people that are giving you their pee or you don't want to i mean either way you're gonna have to end up carrying your pee on you it sounds like

you're a pee expert more than a drug expert you have to care well the pee needs to be clean so Well, then you bring something to, you know, rip open the thing that you're carrying the pee in. We're going to give you that point. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. I know this dude that got some pee from this chick, and she was pregnant but didn't know. Ooh. And it showed.

They're like, hey, Carl, you're pregnant. Your drug test came back negative, but a pregnancy test came back positive, Carl. You want to tell us anything? That's awful. Is it Charlene? that's so funny yeah so you just need that pee or you could do one of those um uh flushes but it just seems like a lot of work and it's stupid and it costs money just get someone else's pee it dilutes your pee with like water yeah you have to like pee a bunch

and drink a ton of water and it's like a flush it's supposed to flush you out but a lot of people don't have success with that it's like 50 bucks i did that i did that once i passed actually yeah but i feel like there's not that much weed in your system to be yeah no you know what it is it's not that i passed it's the weed they were cool with but all the other stuff i didn't have in my system oh yeah because they could test for like coke and all that it was the opiates and all this crap and they're like yeah that's fine you got the job and then i got fired uh and you got that point thank you and then thank you the other question is what is special k that's like coke to the second power right i mean what is it oh it's like a horse tranquilizer

cat tranquilizer but yeah oh it's an animal tranquilizer though for sure what's the horse tranquilizer there is one that is a horse tranquilizer i thought it was not special case i thought it was i thought it was horse no it's a cat you don't need to that much to knock out a cat you just put a cat in the face real quick boom knock down but you gotta catch that cat though because I mean, I feel like punching a dog is way easier. You got to hit it with a BB gun. I feel like cats know. You got to hit it with a BB gun. You fools.

Just throw a book at that cat. The ASPCA is definitely going to be listening. This is why we only have fish as pets. What's the other one that's like embalming fluid? That's the one. I've never done that. I don't know why you would want to do that.

I've never done that. Not trying to get wet. No, that's angel dust. Christina, you got half a point for that. Thank you. Why? I get two full on points. For me, you get a full point. Because I thought that it was worth it.

You know what? You get all the points because you did meth with your dad. Thank you. I win. But then at the same time, your dad gets none of the points. These are not transferable. These are not transferable. Sorry, Dad.

Sorry and thank you. Christina, you were amazing. You were so great. We love you. I'm so glad that you're still alive. Yeah. Me too, man. And you've been able to persevere?

I've been able to persevere. I made it to 30. Do you have anything special to plug? Do you have any working on any sketches? I am working on a ton of shit that I'm actually about to ask you ladies to be in. It's going to be really fun. Let's get our notebook. Keep your eyes and your ears peeled for us, guys.

Yeah, I'm writing a bunch of shit, like a ton of shit. That's why I was late today because I've become like this 30-year-old psycho that feels like, you know what 30 feels like? It feels like, hurry up, bitch. There's still time. Is that what it feels like? I just feel this nagging pressure. I think all your clocks are ticking.

Yeah. So where can people see you? Do you have a show tonight or this weekend? No, no, and I don't know what I'm doing this weekend. That's fine, but Christina is out and about. You can always see her. she has all her teeth now so you know they're there

she does have all her teeth and she could maybe hook you up with like a tiny corner of applewood smoked bacon I might could I don't want anyone to put that in writing I mean that's why I said it I didn't write it down and then send it to these people let's not put that in stone or anything kids

well Christina that was awesome having you here this is the unofficial expert me and Marie have a monthly show Oh my God, it's so good. It's called Our Period. Oh, it's so good. Besides that show that we have.

It's called The Warm Up and it's the second Saturday of every freaking month. Christina's done it, I think, two or three times. Tres times. Oh my God. I've done it so many times.

Tres leches. I love it so, I've done it tres leches. I love it so much. I think you've done them all three wasted. I'm pretty sure I was hungover. I mean,

every time I get to The Warm Up, for some reason, and I've been in these same panties for 48 hours. It's just like, you know, like when you see a friend, and you're like, I'm always wearing this outfit when I see you. Every time I see you guys, I'm always like, I'm always in these panties for way too long. Oh, my God, Christina.

You know what? God bless you, girl. Yeah, we love you. God bless me. God keep me. I love you ladies, too. Okay, thank you. Thanks so much, guys.

Make sure you listen to everything else that we're doing. Find Christina on Twitter at Freakin' Jew-Rican. At Freakin' Jew-Rican. Sydney is JustSidBW. Yes. And I'm Ms. Reezy, M-S-R-E-E-E-Z-Y. Thanks, guys. Bye.

Stay smart. To the listeners of the Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at zipcar.com. So to earn that $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficialexperts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficialexperts to earn free driving credit. Thank you.