MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Freeloading Expert" with Ayo Edebiri

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

Whether you straight as f**k, gay as hell, or somewhere in between, youll want to listen to this weeks Unofficial Expert with Freeloading Expert, Ayo Edebiri!Ayo reveals the best NYU scams, how to get away with not paying the bill, and her experience with Uber that ended at CityMD.Also, Marie talks about going on a date everyday for a week while Sydnee goes off on Louis C.K.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Forever. Dog. Hi, guys. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Unofficial Expert Podcast, where we don't give a damn about what you thought you knew. Oh, look at that. I like that little intro you did there, Marie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you know, I got sunglasses on in the students. Okay, so you somebody. Thank you. You big time. This is my Howard Stern persona right now. Yeah, I'm wearing glasses because I don't want to look you in your eyes and take away your soul, you know?

That's how I feel right now. What kind of satanic introduction was that? That's how I feel right now. I'm hot. Sis, you know I'm a Christian. Why are you hot? Somebody touched your butt on the train? No, you know, this was a weird week.

I was going through a lot this week. Were you? Yeah. I feel like I saw you a couple times this week. Yeah, but we was at Caroline's, and you know I was upset after that. Can we talk about what happened at Caroline's? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we name some names?

Yeah, of course. So, Louis C.K. dropped in, and Sydney was supposed to get on stage. And, like, when a comic that has credits, a famous comedian comes into a club, Everybody else who thought they were going up Has to wait And so he came out and somebody said Wait, why I was really upset Is that another comedian had switched with me

He said he had to go And he needed to go first And I was originally first And then he put me all the way towards the end So I was upset because He stuck around to watch Louis C.K. and I was like I thought you had things to do

And he was like, I'm not going to leave, Louis C.K.'s here And I was like, that's what all the women said about him also yeah they couldn't leave because louis ck was there damn you're gonna do that okay that's the news wow geez a wheeze anyway he came out and he was he had a joke where he talked about his penis and i was like i feel like only a white man in america in 2018 can get accused of what he got accused of and then get on stage and talk about his dick yeah i was like Like, this ain't the right climate for this. But they were here for it.

I mean, they enjoyed him. Which was crazy is that we just had that hearing with Dr. Ford and everything. And it's just like, this is not the week to do this. You should just still take a seat and be in your attic or your basement and chill. Can you just be on ice? Chill in your wine cellar for a moment. Yeah, like we don't need your opinion or your jokes right now. They not that good.

I mean. They not that good. But what made me so upset was that everybody in the room was kee-kee-keeing at this man. And I was like, dude, there was another comic who was funnier than him before. Well, actually. Actually. Come on, sis. Tell the listeners the truth.

The first comic was a... Yes. And the one after that was a... So Louis C.K. came out and he was a professional, gross-ass comedian. And people enjoyed him. Somebody said that because there was one person that was clapping longer than everybody else. and that person apparently was standing like gave him a standing ovation by himself just one person in this comedy club decided they were going to stand and like salute this dude like

he was a vet yeah and so after he got off it's the it's a little hard for other comedians to go up and and do they think because the the audience was already like they already know next uh they already nutted they were like well i came and i can leave now or i'm just not going to give people the energy that they deserve and that's exactly what was happening like they were just so lukewarm and it's like dude this guy louis didn't even do his job those were it was his open mic pretty right he had a piece of paper and he was reading off he was talking about you know whatever popped into his head on the train today or whatever and so i got online and uh the person you blasted somebody i blasted the person because i called him a dick rider and obviously that's a triggering word

for men because men were all in my dms like well why is he a dick rider and it's like i'm because he's riding louis dick yes that's why he is let me see what the what the post is doing on facebook um well i i've been out after the post and people came up to me thank you thank you so much for writing that thank you thank we appreciate you and i was like they're giving you standing ovations like your events yeah yeah yeah but it's just like you don't need to watch this i I was stuck in the room watching him because the dressing room was being occupied by somebody else. Otherwise, I wouldn't have watched his set. But I was like, why are we giving him the attention that he obviously is here for?

If everybody turned his back while he was doing his jokes, he would be like, oh, I'm not wanted here. I'm not wanted at all. And I probably wouldn't do this. Okay. Well, let's read the follow-up post that Sidney put on. How did I miss this It has like 79 comments Okay Sydney said half y'all comedians

Would barely sit around to watch your own Friends do a set but y'all stayed to watch Louis CK trash It's dick writing it's Oh he's one of the greats so fucking what He was pulling his dick out and being mad Weird with women nah I don't want to Watch his set or any person who is that

Disrespectful legends can be garbage Too and I'm not standing with him for the Love of comedy Sydney yes come on give me what's Angela Rye

come on Angela Rye shut up Marie so yeah I guess that was my expertise just calling people out and not standing

for the bullshit thank you thank you so much let's clap yeah let's clap some snaps I'm gonna get some snaps

okay thank you some hitting your heels clicking your heels guys yeah but I think that we need to call out more people as much as possible

because this is the time yeah it's the time like why not why not say you're trash yeah why not call somebody a dick rider yeah i'm beautiful it's beautiful i love it i love it what were you an expert honestly my expertise seems real little compared to yours now but uh i had pretty big week sis uh this week i decided i was gonna go on a date every single day with a different man and uh because i'm on the app right yes and i feel like you know it's in your pocket it's on your phone sometimes you like somebody sends you a message you don't really want to respond don't make no excuses sis you did what you did no no no no no i'm taking a step i just want to say i don't always respond to stuff like i'm not really active on the app like she busy she busy

busy blissed right and so uh my roommate is on the same app as me and she hasn't gone on a single date and she's like well i'm looking for a husband and i was like you need to get off that app you doing these app you're dating wrong you need to do the christian mingle or something i went on a date on monday with the dude because he had a printer sis he had a printer in his building and that's why and i didn't know that coming into it because technically i went out for the tacos and then he was like oh because we went to lunch and he was like oh do you want to come drink on my roof and i was like it's four o'clock it's four o'clock and it's overcast like there's no real reason to be on the roof right now it was real foggy but i had some stuff that i needed to print out and i

said to him well do you have a printer and he said i have a printer in my building and i said well i guess i'm coming to your house then so at this house and he was trying to get me to stay you're like no honey i got my shit printed out i gotta get these 10 pages and go and um then i left and he unmatched me work he unmatched me so i but the printer is in his lobby so me and the concierge are cool in the building now so now i have a place to print free sydney do you need some stuff printed this week girl listen i got you email it to me and then i'm gonna pop in see his that's beautiful and this is why i love marie because she gets what she wants honestly she puts it out there in the universe she throws it at the wall and it always comes back i mean i also

really want some money universe universe throw some money in my face it's gonna go um and then tuesday i went out with uh this like italian dude that didn't speak no english but you know how was that it's this were you rosetta stoning it or you were just oh you know what's fun is like when people people speak and you kind of try to guess what they're talking about that's fun you make your own conversation that was a whole conversation i mean he he was trying you know he was trying to speak english and i was like yeah should we get more margaritas that was me on the rooftop with this man that like i'm probably never gonna see it again you went to another roof yeah i went to another roof bitch you're not trying to live sis i'm just trying to that's like prime

real estate to like kill somebody a roof no yes it is listen if when with when white people are gathered uh-huh drinking uh on a roof uh-huh they're not gonna kill you right in an alley downstairs yes but not a roof when do you ever watch those like crime movies where like the the bad guys on the roof and then the good guys on the roof and then they have a scuffle so you're calling me the bad guy or the good guy yeah i mean who am i in this scenario you use the niggas with a printer yeah i mean it was an inkjet there was black and color listen I got I got a black and white

printout in color fancy I was like can we print that out in navy I love that y'all got cobalt that's hot

so that's what I was doing and then my streak ended so two dates five dates the lord had to humble you the lord was like

you need to take a break take a break he was like that's enough tequila for you yeah but I think that I'm gonna I'm gonna do keep doing it

I might do like an Asian week and then like a shark week and then like a black week actually the black week you said a shark week whatever sis I just I feel like I'm gonna go out with people who like I just why not out of you I totally am down with this and you know if you ever want to just third will me I'm I'm here for it oh you

want me to do a threesome yeah just be like hey I really feel comfortable if my my hot friend comes as well say I'm hot so that you know and then I'll come in like a button down or a turtleneck and like hey guys and I'll bring a book come on let's have fun with this Marie okay cool let's do that let's do it i'll take half a taco let's do a week when uh i just keep bringing sydney to dates i'm i'm doing it speaking of bringing bringing people to wait wait wait marie there was one thing what happened there was a dm and we're gonna we're gonna go by it today how we we have to be oh yeah somebody slid in my dms and was like you want to read it oh don't let me let me pull out the receipts i love when the guests give us feedback we need it sometimes you know what i

me by the by the way keep writing those reviews y'all keep writing the reviews keep giving us stars all the stars we need them it's so important okay this comes from a listener uh nedra underscore 88 work she said i love you guys and think you are both super funny but y'all gotta let the guest speak sometimes like we want to hear what they have to say uh if they're an expert at something when you cut them off speak over them or don't listen to what they say you break their momentum And it takes away from the overall greatness of the show. Sometimes, like the cool mom episode, that was last week, that I'm listening to right now, or last week's episode about sex, sex date, shout out to Molly Austin,

I can literally hear the guests fighting to get the words across. Well, we're going to try not to be rude today. We are. But we probably will be a little bit rude today. No, no, no. Our guest can handle us. She's dealt with us on many occasions. At the same time?

At the same damn time. She got it. Okay. But I'm going to take a seat back. I'm going to let y'all rock. You know what I'm saying? episode's gonna be dry as hell because we're gonna be like um can i can i speak yeah can i have the floor can we raise our hand can we get a little bell listen if you're holding the donut box on

the table then you get to speak do you want to do that no uh i guess today is uh like a super funny comedian oh my god truly adorable she called us her moms which is a little bit so rude but we'll let her have that but like cool moms like cool gay moms yes uh like if full house had black people on it uh she's a hilarious comic y'all gonna love her and she just celebrated a birthday yes she did that i missed i was there because i was busy uh give it up for the very funny our freeloading expert it's io a debory yay how are you hi guys do you do you have anything that you wanted to weigh in on or what that what we talked about yeah um what if i was just like oh i don't really want to talk this episode you

You guys can just talk. No. We need you. Your eyes got so. Wow. Okay. And she is wearing glasses in the stude, folks. In the studes.

Absolutely in the stude. We got two glasses. Do we have another pair of glasses for the guest? I would love to put some on. Oh, actually, I do. Oh, my God. Of course you do. All right.

Well, here I go. You'll feel it. You'll feel the difference. You'll hear the difference when I put them on. Yeah. And they're really fun. Oh, they are fun. They're very like Grace Jones-ish.

Oh, wow. Great. I feel like I'm in a. Pull up to my bumper, baby. I feel like I look like I'm in Ray Is that me? You feel like you're Ray Charles? You feel like you're blind?

I feel like I look like I'm wearing glasses That That like a three blind mice Cartoon would wear Can you give us a heroin shimmy? Yeah, absolutely I touched women's hands No, he was touching women's wrists

Oh yeah I am a sexist right oh my god well that I mean I'm a heroin man that's what the movie

that's what half of the movie was that's all it is like women would shake his hand and he would like touch their wrist and if like the wrist felt sexy he was like oh that means she hot

that was fully like one of the first like sexy movies that I like I watched I feel like as a child or just it had a sexy

was that movie sexy it was and it had a sexy it was a blind dude addicted to heroin playing a piano so anyways I was a kid

and I thought it was hot just having a really strange sort of memory of remembering being in the theater next to my mom I like your I like your outlook on that

it's the keyboard right there you turned on right now yeah we might have to get you on the forever dog little insta doing a little Ray Charles bit

fully blacklisted after that no no no no you are black but you won't be blacklisted okay thank you thank you

so yeah weigh in on some stuff my friend yeah I mean the whole like Louis CK thing That just makes me so annoyed, especially after I feel like just like the whole hearings and everything. I had a show recently also where after my set, a guy in the audience came up to me and was like, I was wearing this like oversized jacket.

And he was like, I wish you had you took that jacket off so I could see more of you. And I was like, did you hear any of the jokes that I said when I was talking about like for five minutes? And I was like, no, no, the jacket was too baggy. Can't you hear me? All the sound was absorbed by your jacket. I mean, you could take that jacket off, girl. You got some nice shoulders. Well, thank you.

I just want to see more of your shoulders, boo. It's stressful how hot my shoulders are. It's a burden. Let me see your clavicles. What they doing? Just a little dip. Oh, my God, I can't. I'm overwhelmed.

And that's a sports bra. Is that a sports bra? And that's a sports bra. Did you work out today? No. Some days you just want to feel sort of... Smushed. Smushed, yeah.

A little flat. I didn't realize how young you sound. You are young. How old are you? I just turned 23. Ouch. So we the same age. Okay.

Okay. I'm like, everybody in here is 23. All right. I'm actually 25, but thank you. Right. I'm sorry. I just look 23. A fossil.

Why did you come? Fuck you. You just turned 23? Yeah. Where the hell are you from? Originally, I'm from Boston, and then I went to NYU, and I stayed here. NYU? Okay.

You got $79,000 a year for school? No, I got a deep scholarship. I believe it. I feel like you're a hard worker. I feel like you stay in your laptop and you're always working on some type of paper or dissertation. Oh, she calling you a nerd, sis. A little bit. A little bit.

Listen, I'll own it. My parents, my dad's from Nigeria. My mom is from Barbados. And so those are two, like, you have to achieve. Like, you have no choice but to achieve countries, I feel like. I didn't know Nigerians were allowed to marry non-Nigerians. I mean We found out

I feel like the weddings Are very like Traditional Yeah So the Bajan mom Was also She had like the beads On and stuff

They didn't do like A huge Traditional Traditional wedding Cause my dad's Kinda like Simple dude He cheap

Yeah Well and so That sort of And so we'll get back Around to that Oh my god Marie He listened He loved to save

But My mom loves That stuff Like we Went to My aunt got married recently and there was like a big wedding where was it in it was in boston but it was three days long what three days oh your aunt gotta go we gotta push her down several flights of stairs

how dare they providing food for the whole three days yeah breakfast lunch and dinner well no so it's like the first day is like it's like traditional and it's like the introduction so it's just like the families meet each other and then they do these like nigerian rites and then like the second day is another traditional wedding and that's like um but like everybody comes to that and then there's like dancing and this like games and whatever and more traditional stuff and then that's lots of food, lots

of dancing. And then the third day was like an American wedding white dress. What? Wait, how do you first of all, how expensive are these three days? Get into it. Do I need to meet a Nigerian man? I think honestly both yes and no. Nigerian week? You know, have a Nigerian week

and then have one. I think you deserve it. Treat yourself. Treat yourself, boo. It sort of will be a little bit of punishment. You're Haitian, right? Yeah. I feel like spiritually

the men sort of do. They're the same. They're the same. They're the same and that's why I don't want to actually date a Nigerian man but like an Americanized baby.

An Americanized one, yeah. And he's like a doctor or something because his parents are like, you have to be a doctor and he listened to them. Doctor, lawyer, engineer.

Well, he's all of that. Yeah, but Marie got lip. You know, she talked too damn much so I don't think a Nigerian man who work in all them hours is going to let her

talk like that. He's going to hit her in the mouth. That's fit. He goes, poppy. This mouth? Yeah, he goes, pop, pop. He said, I just poop you.

Poop you? What accent is that? Where are you from? You're from the middle of the ocean. Where are you from? I just poop you. I'm sorry. I poop you in the moot.

I poop you in the moot. In the moot. That ain't it, sis. Okay, give me a Nigerian accent then. Oh, no, I'm nervous now. Well, you got the floor. Because I've been on Forever Dog, but I feel like I haven't been on the podcast

that's where the black people listen. I feel like this is the one where the black people listen. No, no, it's still white people listening. Oh, snap! It's white people in Australia that listen. It's everybody, girl. This is for the masses.

That's true. This is for the people. Oh, hi, people. I mean, you know, our people. Our people, yeah. But their people are listening. Give me money! Oh, my gosh.

So, so you're, talk to us about who you are. Yeah, you're 23, you're thriving, your hair is moisturized, your skin is glowing. a little smushed right now.

That's fine. I mean, like your boobs. It matches your boobs. Thank you. You gotta do it. Some days you just gotta be flat and that's okay. Sydney doesn't believe that.

Shut up. Sydney's boobs always gotta be presented, propped up. Girl, I got a sports bra on too. Yeah, but your boobs, they look like they're protruding through the jacket.

It's just like you're perky. That's good, sis. Well, they're fake. They should. I pay all this damn money. If they was all the way down to my knees, I'd be very upset.

It'd be a problem, for sure. They're like, well, you wanted the natural look. The chew drop. So we put them in your knees. We just put them there. Just got ahead of it. So how long are implants good for?

Do you have to upkeep? They say 10 years. Oh, nice. Okay. So in 10 years, you got to go back? Sick. Dope. Decade titties.

Hell yeah. Fuck you guys. So you have to get them like, you got to re-up on your boobs in 10 years? Oh, I can't wait till I book a show show. I'm getting new titties with that money. Some CW11 boobs. Oh, hell yeah. I'm getting some Fox.

Some Yuffie and Nine boobs. Yuffie and Nine. Don't let me get no Netflix because, hunty, you won't even be able to see my face how big them titties going to be. But I heard that Netflix does. Let me just get four of them. Just get four if you get Netflix money. Yeah, get some on your back.

Get some on your back. Why not? I'll do it. Do it. I'll do it for the kids. I feel like your boobs look like they are kid-sized too, sis. They are sort of larger than they appear. Right.

I feel like my boobs do that sometimes. Sometimes, yeah. I love to smush and then it's like, hey, surprise, they are here. You know what I mean? I like your vibe because you're young and you already know you got the body. You don't want to hurt nobody. So you're going to wait until you turn 26

and it's going to be like, bam, and then take over. I mostly don't want to hurt myself. Your back's bothering you? Your back hurts? There's a sort of gentle gaze and nod that's happening right now that I think is really crucial to know when this question is being asked.

Okay, so are you dating in these streets? You're young, attractive, you're smart. I know. You're making some money. Yeah, trying to. I don't know. I really don't like dating very much. Because she's working.

Because I'm working. I don't know. Okay, because I'm unemployed. You're saying I got time to like dating? No, no. Friend. No, I don't know. It's like, it's kind of boring for me, I feel like.

Dating. Yeah. Because you date in boring dudes. Okay. That's all. Okay. Drag me. I mean.

Drag me. I feel like I can't find a happy medium. it's either like they're boring or they're crazy but then I do know that it's like because I think it's like in the back of my mind I grew up very Christian and like a lot of my friends right now are like married or have kids like

Pentecostal. At 23? Yeah Oh your friends are trash. No they're just Christian. They're Christian and they're in Boston. And so you sort of leave that to where that you know let those two sentences find the space between that that's true but I feel like my impulse is actually

to like oh i should be in love and like you know what i mean just because i was like raised like that for so long i was raised like that but i don't believe that i have to be in love so i just feel like i have to like i either i'm just like okay i have to keep dating people who i'm not actually interested in or just not no i'll be like yeah stuck yeah just don't do it if you're not interested in them at all and they're not uh spending three days worth of wedding money on you that's true just focus on your work i was raised straight as fuck look at me now gay as hell let's get that on some jackets that's very on each arm on each arm or like down the pant leg so wait what did you go to school for um i studied uh playwriting really yeah wow wow i did not know

that i didn't for four years no i i the whole time the whole four um i so i i was studying to be a teacher and so i did that for two and then um that was also like my being like don't worry mom and dad like i'll do improv at night um sort of toxic and then um i was like okay that doesn't make any sense and so i i transferred to a writing program in nyu and got in um of course and then my dad was like okay good luck they were like bye that was nice yeah they're like good we're happy for you bye good luck with money um but they're like cool that's a decision that you made um but yeah studied that so let's talk about money so you're do you have you come from a big family uh yeah so my dad has 20 sisters 20 sisters i thought you were gonna say 20 kids yeah my dad's got 20 kids

no um he has 20 brothers and sisters and my mom has uh 12 oh my god that's like 98 uncles uh i'm about yeah we have like i have like truly hundreds of cousins and so where are all these aunts and uncles so on my dad's side my my grandfather had three wives at work nigerians and so that's true to the culture and so my dad is the oldest of the first wives and all those kids went to america basically and then the second wife all those kids went to europe and then the third wife the kids like kind of split back and forth and now they live here ah sis that means like you could literally like you probably know people in like every country oh literally i've like been to europe before and like and and before i even knew that like met them at them we just knew that we were

family they were like oh yeah stay and stay here don't spend any money that sucks because like what if you try to hook up and you're like wait my cousin there could be mad cousins over here i mean obviously honestly and so sort of and that's kind of why i'm like i am afraid to date any nigerian people just because we might end up related honestly and truly that's a that's a real fair and hen hey you know what that means you not dating no nigerian that means you're dating everybody else everybody any other country no just kidding um but yeah that's like that side and then my mom most of the people are either in barbados or here um but it's like very big like extended family and then both of my parents met and we're like oh one kid oh we're not oh one

child like so you're an only child oh my god yeah it's just me and my old ass parents yeah they old you know what i when i talk sometimes when i'm around you i feel you give me like only child vibes and i mean i yeah that's that's it's not i i don't know what if that's good or bad no it's good it's good honestly as i'm a middle child and i don't pick up really on only child vibes i feel like only children are weird uh marie acts like an only child actually no i'm i'm the first girl okay and i'm a middle right and i'm a middle kid all my cousins like for the most part most of them are dudes and so like they they all i was kind of like baby sister yeah to a lot of them but then it's like me and my parents and they also because they they both like most of my aunts and uncles

have like a lot of kids right and then my parents like waited till they were like in their 30s and which which now isn't that no because i feel like i'm gonna be 48 i'm gonna be janet jackson 50 when I maybe have a baby yeah but I just feel like it's like the Christian thing plus the immigrant thing like they were kind of like outliers in the sense they were like one kid we're gonna wait until we can actually afford to have a kid also yeah and so

I mean if you're gonna have a baby I feel like the best way to do it is when you're not poor you know it feels just like kind when you're not that poor because poor people can have babies yeah look at my parents look at my parents I mean parent I feel like my mom just had

just it was just her yeah like got some sperm off the street off the street yeah just off the street sperm and then just have me i feel like i will sort of do a version of that at some point really yeah you're gonna turkey baste it i might maybe yeah okay what are your requirements for the for the turkey baster like what he got it what do you have to have or be he should be tall obviously well that's well have you ever been to the sperm bank that's a requirement you have to be i haven't five nine or more five nine or more They will not accept sperm. The scouting.

Sydney, you just be chilling at sperm banks looking at what the requirements are. No, there was this guy who was at an open mic talking about he was like trying to get money and he was trying to donate his sperm. And they're like, uh-uh-uh, you're 5'5". Damn. We want no part. That's tragic. And I was like, why does a sperm bank have better requirements or like standards than most women? Yes, truly.

That's crazy. I feel like that's such a nice way to think of it. It's like I have to think of myself as a sperm bank, you know? no no no but like it's like i have to think of myself as a sperm yeah because they sky high tall and you have to uh you know background check background check y'all are crazy absolutely you guys are insane absolutely out of my mind yeah i'm with you on this because i'm a lesbian so i have to go do that you have to yeah well actually i feel like my partner whoever it may be um is gonna say

hey why don't we just get a friend why don't we get his sperm right cause you know we gotta cut corners yeah

honestly you's one of I.O.'s 98 cousins word that's true and here's what I'll say some of them are very tall and some of them are very handsome big body Nigerians

yo I saw the pictures on your Instagram from your family they are beautiful that was sort of honestly I might have to stop posting my family because there are people

who will be like who's that cousin yeah who's that or like who's that uncle yeah introduce me to one of your cousins girl what's going on

Listen, next wedding. There's some in New York. If you want to come to a Nigerian wedding, I'll get you a dress. For three days? No. Oh, you'll get me a dress? Yeah, we'll get you a dress and we'll figure it out. Yeah, let's do it.

We'll just do one day. Your background story is so wonderful. Let's get into it. So I really want to get into this freeloading. Well, you have to. You're young. We got to survive. Yeah, I love it.

Because after school, it's like you're on your own. Right, I am. And also, my parents were very much like, I mean, even in school, they and not in a like bad way or whatever but just realistically they weren't like doing the nyu we're going to pay for every single second of your life they were like all right you made this decision you're an adult like you have to understand how money works and so when you were like low on cash as like a freshman or a sophomore you couldn't be like hey can you put some money uh in my account and my dad would be like why that was my dad too but i always was just like

for books yeah it was always for i need more money for books yeah and i was not using the money for books no i mean no were you selling your swipes i i i sold swipes before yes you guys got swipes before i i love a good nyu scam one of my more favorite scams was i um used my like so they gave me a financial aid package for housing yes and then you got the you got reimbursed the refund check I got reimbursed and so then I didn't live in

housing and I and I like used that money to rent an apartment which was like thousands of dollars cheaper per month

than the NYU housing and then I used that extra money for like stuff that I wanted and then the rest I used to preemptively like

pay back some of my loans oh my god let's clap that did say where was the apartment that you ended up staying it was like in like Bushwick

Williamsburg I was like Washington Heights it was like cheapo repo real but like

nice I live with two friends and I was like was it nice or was there a crackhead open the door for y'all that was like have a good day

miss you got a dollar you got a dollar it was we definitely did live next to like some sort of like gang

a gang we lived next door to like a gang a gang house like a gang house a gang headquarters yeah and we had a really hot neighbor

his name was Alejandro obviously and he was so hot and when he like saw me just like completely fall and eat face and it was

really horrific that turns men on though when you fall uh huh no it doesn't it's on the floor Cindy you're a lesbian

okay you're gay as fuck it might be something a little lost in just maybe sexual translation but I knew in that moment

I was like I was like doing my laundry like I had this huge laundry basket and I was like wearing these short shorts and he was like hey and i was like oh hi whatever whatever walking walking fall immediately just fell

and ate total face and i was like well that's into the clothes or on the concrete real hard concrete real hard concrete but did with the clothes okay they were fine and he was also like are you okay and i was like yeah i'm good i'm all right i'm really great actually good thank you that's like one of my greatest fears is falling in public yeah like i hate that i think i have never i've never fell as hard as i did that day like it also is like you know normally when you fall there's some sort of like there's a little bit of up and then you sort of do the hit it was full like just forward yeah there was no there was no space there was no listen i don't want to hear none of this i hopped the curb with my bike and flew the fuck off and i was i had faux locks

and one of them came out and it was bad it was embarrassing it's always painful to see a lock in the street and just sort of wonder the backstory yeah you gotta pour a little out for them for sure like a braid what do they call those uh hood hood snakes hood snakes something like that you see like a braid on the ground you're like oh somebody got into a fight or has to go see their hairdresser this weekend like got into a fight with gravity oh all day and lost so wait that was shut up that was a great scam with your school what's what's the next scam after that so you can make sure you're not paying for anything well i love i love just like small scams you're saying i have a very young sounding voice yeah like you sound like a cartoon i and like a

young presence and i feel like i'm very good at using that like if you know what your what your asset is i feel like that is something key like some people you have a very sexual energy and it's like if you need to use that use that to your advantage me i know my energy you know it's the youth it's the sort of like a like asexually vibe it's like what's the deal but i want to help it uh-huh and so it's like all right absolutely i would present myself to be helped i want to invest i want to yes invest in me so who's investing talk about that i i feel like i'm well i'm really good at like small scams like i'll befriend like an entire coffee shop and then i'll just like then it's like well now i don't have to pay for coffee anymore

i have like several coffee shops i feel like also i like now you know my spot's gonna get a little blown up i have like like i have at least two coffee shops in in like in like each borough where it's like and you know because you don't want to make them you got to leave a little mystery to it

you want to make them miss you a little you befriend and then you come back and they're like oh we haven't seen you in so long on the house you know

you befriend yeah the other day this girl gave me a whole bag of beans she was like a bag of beans? of coffee beans

of like coffee grounds you got a coffee maker in your house? yeah so she gave me all the beans and like the grind the grounds and stuff

and they would have thrown the beans back in her face exactly well also you know it's good if you go to another coffee shop and you're like

oh I was at this other coffee shop and they had oh they trying to be better than us yes and then you get free shit like that

because they want to compete because they want to compete that's smart wow I just go to coffee shops to like pee and use the wifi I didn't know

they was giving away coffee beans find the community make them love you but how many times are you how many times in like a month

would you say that you go to like one particular coffee shop oh Like, how you foster in these relationships. You can't OD. You gotta, like, maybe once a week.

Yeah, like twice, maybe once or twice. Okay. Yeah. Because when I was waitressing, you have regulars. Yes. And, like, it's just people that you enjoy their company and you love when they're in the room. Yeah. So you feel like, oh, let me get you a drink.

You want some food? Like, what do you want? Let me take care of you. And those people are far and in between. Like, you never know if they're, like, trying to scam you or they're just a good person. Right. So you have to decipher sometimes in the conversation. Like, hmm, are you doing this all the time?

Are you waiting for me to give you something for free? Or are you asking for something? Because there are people who do do it all the time. And that's sort of where. Those people are Marie Foster. It's like, I think it's like I have to sort of balance. I have to like balance my energy. You know what I mean?

It's like I got to make sure that I don't OD. Because then it's like, then you just go through a spell. And you're like, wait a minute. I haven't gotten anything free for a whole freaking two months. What's up with that? Yeah. I'm not going back there. Two months?

That's horrible. Two days. I go for two days. If I don't get something free, I'm like, I'm never coming back here. You got to be thoughtful, too. You got to come in and bring shit. Like, oh, I just happen to have this extra ticket to my show. You want to come?

I got to come bearing gifts? Yes, girl. Man, I'll listen to your freaking song on Spotify if I have to. Retweet some shit? Retweet it. I'm making a community, and I'm getting free things. Thank you. Make community.

You make auntie proud. I mean, it's an honor. it's an honor it's an honor I love to learn so you got the coffee you got the coffee game on lock

what else well okay I will say even though I don't like going on dates I do like going on dates and getting food

for free honestly sis feed me I'm hungry my fridge is empty yeah I don't know any woman that's not doing that

no there are women who pay on these dates and it's like don't do it they're not my friends I mean they out there

but they're not in my community don't do it don't do it I will I do love like sometimes you can feel

that split second like that split half a second where it's like you think you're not going to pay for this but you are

that hurts but you are it hurts the dude I went on a date with on Monday we went to get tacos and

the guy was like do you want anything to drink the server dude and the guy that I was out with was like yeah you got water

right you got a water bottle with you over there I was like I want one of these Waritos one of those juices those Mexican I don't know

I don't speak any Spanish but I was like you won't even let me get a juice wow that's trash he's like they got water

they got a water over there I was like tacos are cheap too I'm definitely coming to your house to print some stuff and I'm not gonna show you my butt

honestly I'm for you on that thank you dang how dare he that's so crazy right he should have got

man a waritos you gotta get the waritos you went to NYU I did so you got a lot of people who know people and who probably

actually do have tons of money. So everybody has that one person in a group that you're like, she might not have it so let's pay for her.

Are you that person? Do your friends show up and show out? Well, part of the problem was I got a, I was one of the first friends in my group

to like get a writing job. And so after that happened, you know, and I'd be like, you got money now. It's like, yeah, but I still want

free stuff. Honestly. And also, I don't. It's not even like that. Right. You're not like a... You haven't sold a show. Yeah. I'm not freaking writing for Seinfeld. But writers do make good money, though. I mean, I can eat. I can pay my rent. Look at you be a modest bitch, though. I know

there's some people out here making cakes on writing. I don't know. You was at BET, so actually... Yeah. Okay, come through with the receipts. It was a BET writing job. How much money was it really? I mean, you can tell us off the... Pain. that's right

you on Medicaid yeah she definitely don't have blue cross listen BET doesn't give you blue cross blue shield no not at all

they're like here's a bandaid and a receipt for a check a check there's an urgent care in your neighborhood go there Marie this is why

we don't get hired for shit yo honestly we will drag a place a network down to the ground shout out to BET

listen I don't think they have any more thought of employing me so I'm fine okay well then BD can suck a dick wow okay yeah I said it but I have my glasses that's true she said she didn't know for sure she was on a cusp about getting high

hard line suck a dick hard line you need to suck a hard dick suck a hard dick forever dog do rock paper scissors on cutting that out leave it in I stand by it anxious beautiful white smiles across the room anxious beautiful oh see that's

You should write. That's a poem. You are. That's a show. Anxious, Beautiful Minds. White Smiles. I would like that show. Nice.

Okay, cool. So what's the most expensive thing like your friends might have put together for you? One night I went out with friends to like a club. And I also was like, I don't like, like clubs make me anxious. Yeah, they weird. I mean, like you have club experience. But it makes me anxious now as a sober person. Yeah, they're just like a little anxiety inducing.

And also like, I don't, just the, like the sweat and the fuck in the air. It's gross. It's like, it's. You better use that creative writing degree. The sweat, the heat, the fuck in the air. Let's get that or some shirts. Oh my God. That's so weird.

Just shirts, shirts, shirts right now. Lots of merch. The merch is going to be popping. Lots of merch. Ooh, I can't wait. I really would love a jacket that has each sleeve and one says straight as fuck gay as hell. That's insane. So good.

It's so good. Or like a front back t-shirt situation. I'm just pitching. I'm just pitching. So you're at the club. Yeah, we're at the club and we're getting drunks. What's your poison? What are you drinking?

I like whiskey. I like whiskey. You like dark liquor? Yeah. Sis, I don't see how it's that. You give me vodka vibes. I do. I look like a vodka cranberry girl

and that's okay no no no you give me like mixed cocktail like a long berry like a watermelon mint martini I'll drink those come on through come on bartender

I'm a mixologist though watermelon mint martini yeah yeah I do love the cocktail though come on but we were this was also like but they were getting like

bottles this was a clurb clurb yeah this is like a clurb a clurb like inks unks you know like going hard Lights and flashing People dancing What were you wearing?

Give us the look I was wearing like a skirt and a shirt You wear skirts? Every now and again You gotta switch it up sometimes But I knew that I was going out And I also I think I wore like a boot with a heel

Because I wasn't gonna do like full You know skinny heel stiletto situation Stiletto Yeah I mean just absolutely not No I was like I already can feel myself on the train back home so I'm gonna try

to leave myself oh your friend's not getting you a cab after well so then here we go and so we're at the club

whatever it's Inkson it's Unkson it's Onsen and I'm like we're getting a lot of drinks right to like

my other friend who's like closest to the rich dude and she's like whatever and I'm like okay cool cool cool

also this is important to know they are Korean and Korean American this group of friends right right right so crazy they came to the show

it was those people who came to the show No, but it's, like, adjacent to that group. Yeah. So, it's, like, they're Korean and Korean-Americans and whatever. And, like, when I've hung out with them before, we're hanging out, you know, we're eating, like, whatever food, you know what I mean? Yeah, good food. Yeah, but it's nothing, like, too extravagant.

Right. And so, in my mind, I'm, like, okay, these are just, like, NYU people who have, you know, enough money to go to NYU, but whatever. And so, we're at the club, and I'm, like, okay, this is, like, I feel like we're getting a lot of drinks. and he's like whatever like it's on my mom's card like I don't care it's on my mom's card and I'm like huh and so we're I'm like okay sure sure sure and the night is like wrapping up and he's like yo let's let's go

home like whatever like uh probably gonna cab it back and I'm like okay sure like in my head I'm like what the heck is this bill looking like the bill comes over $2,500 but like for for everything for all those drinks for like the roped off area

and I was just like in a in a night and he's like my mom's card and I'm like okay great wow and nobody had sex with him that night

no wow that's a good friend that's what I'm telling you this is why run these dudes they money like it's fine

it's on his mom's card it's on his mom's card it's fine it's on his mom's card scam as much as you can honestly ladies don't feel bad about like

spending some man's money it might be his mama's money but whatever spend her money too she's spending his dad's money and the cycle you know and the circle

I also feel like any time when Because I definitely do know People who are like Oh but it's like If you do that Then there's the expectation

Of sex or whatever But there's no better time Than now to just be like So what You expected sex Yes You know what I mean Pull that card out

Pull it Pull it Pull it hard And make them feel horrible They won't They won't Yeah Because I'd be like

Actually that bill $2,500 Yeah I actually do expect it I'd be like I only had 12 drinks tonight So I'm not paying this This ain't got nothing

To do with me I'm sorry my vagina does not cost 12 vodka sodas yeah sorry I'm sorry I'm worth more than

$2,500 mm-hmm okay okay okay okay all right all right

and that's that well you know what it's crazy when you say going out with your friends now that I'm a comedian and they know that I ain't got no coins

oh yeah when they invite me to dinners when we go out and they already know I have Nathan's on it like I got Nathan's on my list

one time we're at a dinner and they're like oh divided by seven and they're like oh oh actually divided by six yes divided by six no I didn't see Sydney there

you didn't see me there I'm wearing this orange jacket boo I'm here I was eating all the noosh it is also weird like having friends who are like more successful like and like

have like either like better writing jobs or acting or whatever and like actually have money and then like cause there will be moments where I'm going out with people and I'm like oh this person just walked away oh they're paying the entire bill for everyone oh i love that i love when uh when we're waiting for the check to come and somebody already paid and they're like all right let's go and you're like wait because you you pretend to reach for you yeah i pretend to reach i'll be like the pretend to reach is is

crucial no it's annoying i mean we've done it so many times like as a waitress i'm like let's not play this game right i already you know you're not gonna pay yeah like just give me the fucking card that we're gonna use and stop these games i don't have time for the no no i'm i mean like when the friend gets up and they pretend they're going to the bathroom and they pay for everybody. Then you're at the table

after it's already paid like, oh, well, I was gonna, oh, okay, well. Thank you. That friend is usually wearing like a slide. Like the friend usually

doesn't. A backless shoe. It doesn't look like they're the person who's gonna be paying but they do. They're sort of like a disheveled hair thing

going on. Like as you wash today? No. Like a Steve Jobs like cold jean. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love those friends.

I love those friends. Like, no matter how many times they wash their face, there will always be a little bit of eyeliner. Yes. I love those friends. Yes. What about, okay, so you got your friends. You did all that. What about any Venmo situations?

Because that's what's going on now. People are putting on social media, hey, I would love if anybody could Venmo me for my birthday or for, like, my cat died. For my tooth. For my tooth. I haven't done that yet. I have not done that yet. But I, and a lot of days I think about it. Honestly, for your birthday?

It's, I, Sydney said, my birthday was like two weeks ago. And Sydney was like, if anybody wants to Venmo Marie for her birthday, her Venmo is Marie Foss. And people Venmo'd me for my birthday. Okay, I did a show where the guy, like the person who like put the show together was like, here are these comics and here are their Venmos. If you like them, Venmo them. And I was like, ha ha, no one's going to. Oh my God. people Venmo'd me

for a joke it was which is like but it was fun we should do that like for our show we should like we should have people

Venmo our content it kind of was it was like a cool idea yeah and I have a friend who started one of those like astrology meme accounts

do you know this there's like a lot of what's her name her name is Courtney okay but the that sounds like a Courtney move

I mean, listen, when it first started, I was like, oh, okay, this is cool that she made this thing. And then she was like, I'm quitting my job. And I was like, this, wait, hold on. But literally people will Venmo her for memes. And I mean, she like also does other things like writing and stuff. But like people like will send her money for her online content. How many followers she get? I think like 250k or something.

It like blew up. Plus an astrology meme? It like blew up. she's doing well she's writing she quit her job but listen I am doing it all wrong

honestly honestly and truly the fans like real fans people who like love you ride or die they will support you

for real yeah they'll help you freeload I gotta get 250,000 friends hey unofficial expert followers or fans or whatever

are you a real one or a fake one are you straight as fuck or gay as hell gay as hell if you're gay as hell you can find us all on Venmo

If you're straight as fuck You can also find me On Venmo What about adults I feel like you got The power to scam Some adults Yeah because you got

That like little Like hey Yeah It is sort of like An orphan Like a lost In New York City Orphan vibe

Yeah I've definitely Had like several Just like gotten dinners I love to go to a dinner I love a dinner Yeah I'm sorry I'm obsessed with dinners

No Sydney and I Like I feel like We've gone to some some real nice shit. Just eventful dinner. We got some events coming up. We got an event coming up next week. We're always on the go and working our way to get to the next level of

scamming. What else can we get for free? I recently my big crusade right now my foot was run over by an Uber recently. That's right. And this is sort of my My foot was run over by an Uber. It's my right

foot. I'm now in a shoe. Bravely I'm in a sneaker, but it was run over, and I had a hairline fracture. Fuck. What kind of car was it that ran over your foot? A Toyota Camry? It was a Toyota, and he ran over my foot. Wait, can you please set the scene for us? I was going to an engagement party, and I was getting out of the Uber,

and I was stepping out, and he already started driving away, and he drove over my foot, and I was like, no, you drove over my foot, and he backed up to hear me over my foot. And I was like, you should go because that is like my gut reaction to just anything. I like picked the wrong emotion to feel and sort of like flight or flight scramble. I was like embarrassed.

Like that was what my body chose to do. Wait, he ran over your foot twice. So he ran over it, then backed up over it. And you said you should go. No, no, no, no. Then what happened? You go to this party. So I step in and I immediately go, oh, my foot just got run over twice.

So I called another Uber because I have no shame. And that one took me to the CityMD. Yes, I went to a CityMD. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not shaming you for that. Yes, I went to my summer home, the CityMD. And my second home, the Union Square CityMD. Yeah, I've been there.

That place is lit. one time I went there with true story is that I went there with a friend and the woman from the front desk

recognized me she was like hey girl from a show no from coming to the city at B so often he was like

hi and I was like good to see you again Kathy and so come on Kathy they looked at my foot

and I so I like emailed Uber and I was like this happened like you have to pay for the bills

I don't want to penalize the driver because like I saw a picture of like his son on the dashboard you know what i mean i was like he's a father i listen girl you got a heart after your fucking foot was the company but i wanted the company to suffer okay and so now i am my dad has like a friend who's a lawyer and so i'm like i want free ubers for the rest of my life honestly i feel like that's what you're gonna say that you got we're working on it

we're working on it is that okay so they paid the bill they had they paid the hospital bill and they Paid for the Ubers to and from. So that night is covered. But I was like, I want more. I was like, I want every Uber I had to take when I was freaking booted. You should. Right. And did you miss the engagement party?

Oh, yeah. Of course she did. They should pay you. They should reimburse you for that. Right. That too. You're like, I paid for the gift. And I bought an outfit.

I got my hair done. Yes. You got to get me new shoes because now my foot's swollen. This is now a part of my case. I'm going to need the tapes for this. Do we need to draft? for you girl honestly maybe i might break my foot tonight i'm gonna take a hammer to the foot tonight cut that out cut that out forever this is bad for my case

please leave it in cut all the raw tapes oh my gosh i'm in court i'm crying like like they're like uh on the uh september i don't even know what date is october or whatever you are the unofficial expert saying you were gonna take a hammer to the foot i have no idea what you're talking about. I'll be speaking to my lawyer now. Objection! My lawyer is you. I'm like, overruled? The judge is like, you can't say that.

I'm like, but I just did. Foston Esquire, I see it. Foston, Washington and gay. That's a great firm. And it's actually good. Okay, merch again. And we've got more merch. Cunt and gaunt and gay. That's what it is. So, these are all good, but I feel like I beat you on this

because... Come on, sis. What have you freeload? Um, my friend was scamming this, not scamming this, but this dude kept like buying her purses and taking her out. And he's like, what kind of bags? Um, Chanel. Ooh. Like the big one, the jumbo bag.

The big clunky one. The one that's like over $5,000. He's like, I want to go to, um, Miami and I want to take you. And she's like, word, cool. But, um, you got to bring my friend Sydney because I don't want to go. I don't feel comfortable going with just you. And he said, cool. so pay for my flight there right so i'm there and pays for everything okay beautiful i don't

i don't pay for a dime pays for the drugs yes everything yes the drugs and the food yes and the flight yes and the flight i love when the drugs are the day before we're supposed to leave my auntie was like dying and i'm in full-on tears right and i looked at the flight to change and it was like $600 to go to California from Miami and I was like I don't have this money

he's like don't worry he bought my ticket to freaking California and back to New York City you have me beat the two tickets I said what

and my friend didn't give him no cat not one not a little bit if she did would she have told you if she slept with him would she have told you

yeah she would have we're roommates that don't mean nothing my roommate don't even know my middle name not me I was sleeping in her bed when she wasn't there

that's nasty I was waiting for her. Okay. I was waiting for her. There's dynamics. Girl, you on it? You on it for us or not? You were sleeping in her bed when she,

and you were probably eating all types of crunchy snacks. No, no, no. I wouldn't eat in her bed. But I was definitely waiting around like, so you got us some money this week? You're a pimp. Yeah. She's a pimp.

Exactly. Yeah, but when that happened, I was like, oh man, I can't even imagine what these other girls are getting. Girls who actually have like bodies and, like, look like Kim K. Like, I can't even think about that. I have, like, a friend of a friend

who, like, met an older dude, like, literally on Seeking Arrangement. And now they've been together for, like, 40 years and she has everything. But how much older than her is he? She's my age and he... Early millions. It's like, well, he's, like,

is, like, a Long Island, like, rich man. Like, what? And she just, like, is either in that house or, like, traveling wherever she wants. Do you ever feel bad? Do I ever feel bad? Not like being able to contribute sometimes. You're like, I don't have it.

No. No. Sometimes I do, but I do, I'm like, maybe I should just make an account, you know? I just, you know what, this is what I'm afraid of. Because I feel like everybody, every female that went to college has made an account or thought about making an account or whatever. Because we ain't got no money when we're in school. But I'm just afraid that somebody I know is going to see me on one of these things. Yeah.

And be like, Marie, what's this? What do you mean, what's this? What did it look like? DaddyDollars.com? Yeah, what did it look like? Exactly. I'm trying to get these bills paid. I'm trying to get a bag.

Secure the bag. Secure all the bags. Secure the bags. Nice ones. I went on a date with this dude that was also dating this woman who somebody at Tesla or somebody at one of these rich, expensive places, she was dating one of these guys and he bought her an apartment and put it in her name and then is paying

for her to go to school right now. Her name? I said, he put it in her name? Because that's what you want. Is it to be in your name? So when we break up, you can't say that this is your place. Oh my God. He bought her an apartment in New York City. The issue is that so, I mean, and it

happened earlier, but I have too much heart sometimes. I do too. Where I'm just like, and that's sort of what makes my freeloading work, but also is a crutch. Yeah. You know what I mean? Which is like, I might not, I don't know if I'll get the apartment, you know? Nah, dude, I feel

like. Well, if you think I could. You gotta be ruthless if you want that damn apartment. But you gotta be ruthless if you want the building in your name. In your name! But you're a good person, and I appreciate you, because you want to give back. Yeah. Like, that's good karma, I think. Thank you. And if any executive at Google

is listening to this, and sort of hears my good heart, you know here's my fashion you know i will i will take an apartment i'll start a charity in both of our names but will you take a dick for the apartment no and sydney okay were you saying a sentence earlier this is this is the thing you said you will take the you'll take the apartment but will you take a dick for the apartment i'm a lawyer no i'm sticking on no no no no sydney i'm gonna get to you sis if a dude is like you gotta sleep with me and you know i'm ready to sign the papers right now the apartment in your name holding my hand in in the apartment in your name

in soho or tribeca or wherever the hell wherever you need it to be is it like once it's for a week a week you gotta take the so one dick five times oh man for a whole apartment in my name in your name oh man it's a two bedroom there's a terrace two that's happening is there Laundry in the building? Laundry in the unit, sis. In the unit. Are you taking the dick for five days? She said there's laundry.

She said there's laundry, Sydney. Sydney, you would take the dick for five days for all that? I can't. What do you mean you can't? I can't do it. You'd rather live where you live than get the terror, sis? I'll find a way to get it on my own. Sis, I'm giving you the dick.

On my own. Why did it end this way? Just take the dick, Syd. No. Listeners, I'm giving, I'm throwing the question back to you. I'm giving all of you an apartment if you say you'll take the dick. No, I just, I, no. Would you take the dick?

Absolutely. Everybody else would take the dick. I think I'd take the dick. I think for five days. You would take the dick anyway. Just for, yeah, for less. For free. For Taco Bell.

For our basement apartment. I'm also imagining in my situation, in my mind, like in the simulation in my mind, he's like kind of, he's kind of gross. He is kind of gross. Okay. Because people who are not gross aren't doing it. That's true. You gotta be a little bit gross.

He has to be like a little freakish. To be like, okay, well, give me the apartment. He looks like Quasimodo. Okay. But like in a suit. But like in a Quasimodo. I'm glad you have a heart. And I'm glad that you always think.

And you're so young. And it's like you're not even down on your luck yet, girl. Oh. You know what I mean? It might not come for her. It might not. That's what I'm saying. It might not ever happen.

That's what I'm. This is what I'm feeling. The vibes. And it's beautiful. Because. I get exposed tomorrow on Vulture.com. I don't know for what. No.

why would they expose war crimes war crimes listen if they expose you I'm like that's a hate crime in itself thank you I'm secretly a war criminal I'm actually evil I'm thinking about this imaginary dick I just I feel like yeah you said laundry in unit

in the unit I'll throw it in extra day I'll throw a printer in there my friends come over print all their shit it's not just for me it's for my community it's for the community sid um sid i'll take the dick so you can come over and honestly that's how that's how my free loading works i get people who will do the dirty work because i'm not good at it yeah i'll be

honest yeah i think too much i'm very sober i'm too old like i'm not pulling 25 yeah yeah i'm in a mature 25 that also went through the civil rights like i am not doing it so i i pick people who are like she gonna she gonna do this for the team yeah you know yeah i need that i'm not judging if you you take it it looks like you're judging it looks like you're judging yeah you held my hand and then released it immediately yeah she was like you are not my daughter i flew to the other side of the room um no it is good to have like schemer i feel like it's nice to have schemers around yeah yeah you gotta have friends that like watch your back also you gotta have like a fully charged phone yeah and you gotta send pictures and drop pins at all times so people know where

you at and uh that's basically like that's my advice for people who are listening do you have any like if you two three bits of advice i would say don't i don't make your friends make them feel like you're using them that's the number one rule like your friends won't because like when you really need them when you really freaking need them like they're not gonna be there because we're like hey bitch remember you said you was gonna borrow this six hundred dollars and you never gave it back and then I see you stunting on a gram.

Yes, that's a speaker truth. Speaking my, I'm telling my truth right here. I fucked up on that. Like, after the fact, I didn't even really need

that money at the time and now I actually really need it and I'm like, fuck. I wish I could call that friend. Ayo, do you have any pieces of advice,

words of advice or wisdom? I say, I think you got, you know, find what's true to you, you know, and hone in on, hone in on,

on that. Oh. And, That's very vague, bitch. Yeah, that's real vague what that mean

what that mean is like if you think that you're a secret arrangement sort of person you know it's like go there if you know that you're like a smaller schemes

building up go there don't be afraid to freeload though also I think you gotta own it I just if you're gonna do it

do it do it I used to when I was in high school I would ask people for change like I'm like does anybody have a quarter

or like a dollar and then I would use that money to like buy food like I'd buy lunch like cause I So you were a panhandler. I was one of these, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, is anybody, but I would ask people like direct, like, can I have a quarter?

Because a bagel was like 50 cents or 75 cents. And so you would just sort of like collect. Yep, every day. And I was like, people must have thought I was like the homeless dude on the train. Yeah, you literally were a panhandler. Literally, a homeless man on the train yesterday asked me for change and I got a flashback of me doing the same thing in high school. And I was like, oh, that was me in like a couple of years.

Like I was, that was me. Yeah, definitely. anyway if you loved this episode and I know that you did make sure you rate comment and subscribe yes

and listen to our sugar daddy expert episode because she was talking about all the stuff that she was getting and you know wow

yeah but I think that's a different type of freeloading that's like a real lifestyle that's not freeloading she legit yeah that's a lifestyle

hoe it up hoe it up yeah this is like little by little little things little things coffees coffees

urgent care meals every now and again, maybe a trip or two. Yeah, maybe an apartment with a terrace. Okay. Anyway. Maybe Uber. Uber, if you're listening to me, give me my rides. We're gonna at Uber and be like, dude,

you rolled over our friend's foot twice. Twice. Twice, right? Run us our money. It's us now. Our money. We're together. Okay, cool. We can talk about that. Well, we just added to the account. Oh, okay, sure. Like it is sort of my foot. We're in the claim

as well. It's your foot, but it's our money. Yeah. Yeah. Or Uber rides. Okay, fully got pimped up by the end of this episode, but I'm happy. This is the free loading episode. You just, and I, and okay. And then I just saw it in action.

You know where you are. It's powerful. If you get free Ubers, you better hit me up and pick me up. No, but that's what, if I do get free Ubers, I immediately, it will be for the comedy community. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, just you two. Okay, got it. Just you two.

Just us. Okay, okay, got it. Just for you two. Excuse me. Yeah, because I had an Uber hookup. Strike that from the record, please. I had an Uber hookup and Marie hasn't got me

an Uber yet oh I remember that I was I was taking care of my friend she hasn't even she get little colds people do a little cold

on Uber she don't give me five hours off or nothing yo Sydney you are bringing it back to like the past that was like 2016 sis I ain't tell you

I haven't had an Uber since she hasn't taken care of me since I'm waiting on my Uber Sydney did have a I do remember that we had a show and you were like I'll take it anyways

what like the Uber What are you talking about? Is that true? Is that false? No. Wait, what show did we have? No, you had the...

Sydney had... I had to connect. Yes. And I was getting free Ubers. We had a show, and then you were like... There was like a super expensive trip or whatever. Yeah, I had to break them up because it was $20 each. Right.

Sydney had to hook up. She could take $20 rides for free. So if we were going somewhere that was going to cost $40, we had to take two Ubers. if we were going from Manhattan to Brooklyn we had to take six cars

six Ubers like there was a night that we were in Harlem and we were trying to get to Bushwick and we took edibles

we took edibles and then it turned into this journey to get to this house party in Bushwick and we had to take we stopped at the Apple store

we had to take like eight different Uber rides because it couldn't equal it was so fun actually it was the most fun we've had

it was more fun than the party we went to we got to the party and we were like oh this is trash let's get back in an Uber

again yeah you should be in an uber again we ate cake and then left i haven't spoken to that girl since i mean honestly she's dead to us yeah uh because we don't give shout out to abigail thank you so much oh my god all right we gotta go guys rate the podcast yes subscribe to the podcast yes take your friend's raggedy ass phone yes and subscribe on that uh-huh give us 12 stars yes and then venmo us and then venmo us i'm marie faustin on venmo faustin is f and then austin like texas i'm sydney dash washington there you go io i'm io dash adebri and you can sort of look to see how it's spelled it's gonna be on our instagram yeah and then i mean if you can't figure it out then then sort of best of luck to you no sis it's best luck to you how do you spell

your name a-y-o-e-d-e-b as in boy i-r-i all right and if anybody listening uh is given uh terraces for dick for five days yeah you know hit me you know the two people that'll do it we're gonna end on we're gonna end on Sydney lost a tooth last week so I actually really need the Vimel

okay and so did you did you misplace the tooth no the tooth is gone you lost it it's how do I say goodbye so yes

send it to my digital what we had should I smile on that what we had was a tooth there was a tooth that's gone

there's no tooth Thank you, guys. Goodbye. Bye. Forever. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com

and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.