MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - “The Friendship Expert” with Ilana Glazer

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

On this weeks Unofficial Expert, our Friendship Expert, Ilana Glazer, discusses which shows appropriately represent friendships, whether its ever okay to send one of your nudes to a friend for approval, and how shes going to continue her friendship with Abbi Jacobson post Broad City. Plus, Marie considers therapy while Sydnee celebrates her girlfriends birthday for the first time in four years.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

oh my god marie i'm so excited okay my energy is like leveled i'm doing great okay happy to see you okay you went to therapy this week um no i did not go to therapy this week are we have we canceled her no no it's just therapy is hard to go to when you are not in the swing of it and I'm being very apprehensive just because that's who I am as a person it's not that I don't

want to get help it's that I'm just being hesitant for I don't know why I just don't know I'm finding every little reason for me

to not go to therapy to not go to therapy or not fuck with her or like well at first she was like I can't talk to this lady she wears thongs yes

and it was like well I wouldn't talk to a therapist if it was thongs like that's not therapy her shoe wear was too casual that's how I felt she's stepping on the back of her heels

I can't She had house shoes on She had a sandal on With socks Yeah like why I see your ankles While I'm talking About my childhood

She had on slides Yeah It's not right I can't Yeah but I'm I don't know I feel like I definitely Need to continue

Talking to somebody I need to be More open about it So When you go to LA Are you gonna try to switch Situation Like are you trying

To talk to somebody Yeah yeah I talked to her about it I was like I might have to do A FaceTime Or something I just need to make sure

I'm talking to somebody Or maybe just get Like an LA therapist Yeah I don't know if my medicaid transfers to the west coast i'm gonna take medicaid on the west coast you get like a green juice they probably treat you better yeah with your medic they won't wear toms i mean they might not have any shoes on at all the barefoot flip-flops they'll tell me to take my feet off

they'll have like a like a shell a shell necklace you're right yeah you don't you're gonna talk to that person yeah i don't know hang loose friend i'll be okay okay well i'm glad that you are going therapy has come up a lot in my week. I feel like people are trying to get me to go to therapy. Are we gonna do it Marie? I'm like but I have a black mom you know like she can pray for me and stuff. Right right right.

Maybe. Maybe I'll check it out. Just so I can run my mouth and like it's not gonna be like on a podcast. Right. Just be in somebody's house. I mean you know our friendship has always been like I want Marie to be more open. I want her to be sensitive. I want her to tell me her story. Gross. So

yeah, even if you're not telling me your story, I guess I'm open to some other bitch name, whatever her name is to be your therapist. Sydney, I feel like I can't trust you with my truth because I feel like you are very judgy in how rude your laughter is. You got a really

hard, loud laugh. Marie, that's fucking you. How dare you say that? That is you. Shut up, Andrew. You are judgmental. Right, but i judge so much that like i can't have people judging me yeah but it's the thing is is that i i love you so much that my judgment is not gonna cloud anything that i really feel about you like

i'm like marie's mean but i take her as her mean self you know honestly yeah she judgy but like i'm gonna tell her my business she gonna judge me in front of my face and laugh and right right right but i can't have that happen to me right that's you know it'll get there i just you know I bottle it all inside. Maybe I'll start journaling. Yes! I'm not going to do that. And then I'm going to be in your room like,

where's her journal? I saw her writing me something earlier. What color was it? And you got cute penmanship, so I feel like it'll be legible. Somebody told me my handwriting looks like graffiti once. Really? And I was like, well, public school.

New York handwriting. Very New York. Thank you so much. I'm here for it. Sydney, what were you an expert in this week? Birthdays! It's your birthday. It was my girlfriend's birthday.

and I think I pulled it off. I did it. Okay. We celebrated at the knitting factory, got her the balloons, got her the cupcakes, and then... I mean, before that,

we had, like, a really cute birthday party at the house. We watched movies. We had pizza. We watched 90s thrillers. Yes. This was the first year

in four years that I celebrated her birthday. What? Yes. I was so narcissistic and just not good that I did not acknowledge her birthday enough. I didn't do anything. This is the

first time I did something. You never did anything? I bought a card, but I was like, oh, do we need to go out? I never had enough money. It just, it was very selfish. I mean, technically, you still don't really have it. Oh, honey! The money that you need. Oh! I said, oh, I'm gonna pray about this. I don't know. You started a GoFundMe for her birthday?

Girl, I was like, Patreon money! Thank you! So, yeah. We went for her actual birthday, went to dinner, got a pedicure, got manicures uh like cuddled in bed went to dinner just watched tv did everything that she wanted to do got her she's getting a facial so like no that's nice yeah i did everything that i could possibly do with the little money that i have in the short amount of time that i have to do it and

i feel good about it that's great yeah does she feel good about it she actually was like this was the first time you acknowledge my birthday wow did something well let's go through it this it was on a wednesday this year uh that's a hard time anybody who have a birthday during a week i mean but this is the fourth one so that means she's had a sunday monday tuesday wednesday you could have done something that sunday birthday and you definitely could have done something that monday birthday drag me um yeah you're right but also like i said therapy working on it uh working on you working on me i've just felt like i wasn't in a place to really celebrate birthdays

or her birthday per se and I feel like I'm in a weird place but I'm still like damn she been here so long I gots to do better that's crazy yeah and also sometimes the faces that you make like do you take care of Adrienne I'm like I gotta do better Marie's fucking saying it out loud

I know cause you know I'm strangers cause you know I'm useless in a relationship remember I was in that relationship with that man and he was like I feel like you're not really contributing and I was like but I'm here this is my contribution and honestly marie i feel like you gave me that energy thank you so much and that was me in oh you're saying because of me because of you oh that's a transfer to me of me

you never celebrated your girlfriend's birthday for four years because of you marie that energy transferred and i was like it's about may that's a lie when i met you when i met you it was about you when i met you you had a lash on every single day sydney never did not have a lash strip on her brows are always done and she always had on gold eye shadow. I took it off. I meant you like that. People who wear gold eye shadow only think about themselves.

That's honest. It's in the Bible. That's in like Ezekiel. Shut up, Marie. What were you an expert in this week? Leviticus. I was an expert at not being prepared for this question. But it's okay. I'm not prepared. And I'm okay with that. And I feel like people listening are okay with that.

I'm just going to give the time back to the room. Wow. Okay. You see this? It's less about you it's not about me so i don't know why you're acting like it's always about me but is it not it is hilarious it's about you speaking about being about me uh let's just get into this episode yes uh our guest is somebody that uh y'all are gonna enjoy because we like her and honestly that's all that matters when we're doing the unofficial expert podcast absolutely do we like the guest and we like this guest she is our friendship expert give it up for alana glazer Alana Glazer.

Hi, y'all. Alana, do you have any thoughts on anything that you heard? Okay, first of all, I really enjoyed it. I thought that was kind of like tickle torture that I'm here at the mic, but had to stay quiet. You could have laughed out loud. Oh, really? I was like particularly being quiet. Did you see me move the cup silently?

I did see you go. Why am I such a dork? No, you're not. First of all, I sent you guys like. Dissertations. Oh, let's get into it. they were serious serious what were some of the uh potential expertise topics you submitted one was let me um oh you wrote it down yeah i mean well our producer shout out to sam uh

she sent us a list and i said oh my god this is very serious so i thought you wanted to get like um real expert no no no this ain't that this ain't bill nye yeah this isn't uh what's the black dude's name? Neil deGrasse Tyson. Neil deGrasse Tyson. Wait, before we get into my dorky theme suggestions, because I'm nervous and I'm stalling, I really enjoyed that. I really like your guys'

difference on therapy. You guys are fucking really honest with each other. It's awesome. Yeah, sometimes it's not. Well, it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It's not that it's not good, but it fucking hurts.

You need to be honest with your friends. I'm sensitive. And I'm even more sensitive because I really care about what Marie thinks. Even though I know she's judging 100% of the time. But I judge everybody and everything. So why does that make you feel like I'm not going to judge you? I just, I don't want you to judge me and then that take away from how you really. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Sydney, but I know you.

I judge you based on what I know. And it's like fun. It's not like we're like, I'm on the phone talking to my mom. Like, let me tell you about my messiest. I mean I do do that when you got arrested at the airport I was like Sidney got arrested and my mom was like

what she thought you were still in jail what happened you get out quick I did it was like very like privileged white man I was like my name's Ted now four hours in the jail cell she had a police baton in her purse at the airport

and that's it's illegal illegal now it's a legal weapon you can't do that they arrested my friend at the airport in front of people in front of people why do you have a police baton for self-defense protection yeah for real yeah for real but when they were asking me i was like for protection and they were looking at me like what and then i was but also i was like it was a big deal it's just a stick and the police was like what um this we use this as an actual weapon yeah and it's i know but i'm also like you guys fucking love guns that's what i thought you do i didn't know you you carry a bobby stick or whatever the fuck you still fucking do that i

don't know is that effective i don't know i don't even you guys shoot every fucking body i thought it was a stick right just where'd you get it um a hardware store yeah adrian got it and she got she got like three of them she was like giving them stock and stuff i love the hardware store protecting us yeah no i was like that hardware store needs to get shut down because it's not good it's you can't well it's like hard to buy mace you know i'm like if they sell that it's like illegal in new york state i'm like for men to have but i should be able to have it yes what was mace created for is it for the eyes or is it to like keep i bet it was created away from your trash right right it was for cops and for like people who have raccoons come you know what i

mean i feel like it was like for cops but i don't know it's so pigs and raccoons it's supposed to fuck up like your sinuses and like you can't see breathe properly like right yes but it was just created as an attack as like an attack yeah attack yeah okay well good to know um alana we didn't forget what were some of the things okay bitch fuck you bitch good job she's on tv now she's very aware okay so my i'm just i'm just embarrassed that i'm a dork and then i overthought it and i'm a nervous jew and i was like i know they're gonna love this fucking dork no i love it i love it okay one here's one option jews and whiteness no specifically after world war ii girl i miss i miss class okay is there such thing as a non-nervous jewish person no because that's just

that's just what y'all are is just nervous yeah are there cool jewish people i can't think of any at the top of my head there's cool ones but they're not the cool nervous the cool ones are still wearing Fat Farm and like FUBU and they're probably like music producers. Oh, Scott Storch. I was like, isn't Scott Storch Jewish? Is Scott Storch Jewish? Anybody? Who's that? I don't know him.

Scott Storch used to do like all of like the Ja Rule songs back in the day and like those like fun like summer blockbuster jams. He had a lazy eye. Did he? And he's just like this white dude. It says American record producer. It doesn't say Jewish

so maybe not. Well, Storch isn't really a Jewish last name. Do you want to look at him and be like, well, maybe he's undercover Jew? I would take a look. In my mind, he's tan. Yeah, no, he's not Jewish. Maybe Polish? I don't know. His

nose is pointy. I feel like your nose is kind of pointy. Yeah, but it's meaty. He doesn't have the meat on it. I don't know. He looks fat. This is not what he looked like he's he looks like um like italian like jersey where i'm like also polish

too i i think feel like he could be like half latino but i feel like those are just the gucci glasses boo it says he's from long island new york yeah i think he's like uh wait oh you're spot on yeah geez what's the next one okay his mom is of lithuanian jewish heritage there it is See, I was not wrong. You found it out. There it is. Lithuanian. So you know what?

That is a jujean, a Jewish guy who wants the masculinity of an Italian male. A jujean. I think that's like a Howard Stern term. Oh, okay. Because it sounds like a little bit offensive. Oh, yeah. Is that a slur? Look at this jujean.

Jujean. I don't want to do that in public. It's offensive to both sides or whatever. Okay, number two, being a boss, specifically as a young and short woman and stoner. I thought it was about specificity. Let's talk about just being a line of glazer, right? Yeah. How tall are you?

5'1 and a half. Oh, you're a Polly Pocket. That's a good height. How tall are you? I'm 5'4 on a tall day. Bitch, I didn't know that. She also acts 5'10. I have a very tall sense of self.

Yeah. And then, did you think I was taller, gay producer Andrew? I honestly thought you were shorter. No, he thought you were shorter. I thought we were more eye to eye. Zinnia, you're taller. We're more like the same height.

See, I thought you were taller. Because I wear heels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does always have on a clear heel. Oh, shut up. Lucy. Yes. Number three, Long Island and racism.

A microcosm of the suburbs in America. Oh, my God. I thought it was about specificity. Were you writing a book after this, Alana? Yeah. Are you working on a novel? Yeah. Are you being so specific?

I'm working on trying to impress you ladies. No. With my verbiage. What can you tell us about Long Island that you feel like people listening get wrong or that they should know? I think people totally get the perfect picture of Long Island when they think of it. I don't think it's perfect, though. No, the picture.

People know. They're like, Long Island, guidos and racism. Oh, right, right, right, right. That's what it is. I don't know. There's nothing. And like cork wedges. Oh, my God.

The cork wedges. Long Island is capital of the cork wedge. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Representing. A peep toe boot. Yeah. It's like, you had a boot on, but your toes are up. Yes.

It doesn't make any sense. Never. Always looked like a joke. It always looked like a sketch. But they'll have on a thigh-high boot and the toes. I just don't get it. Cork Wedge, that is hilarious. I also feel like they were maybe gladiator sandals pioneers.

Oh, yeah. I thought that was a Jersey thing, though. Yeah, it's similar. Long Island and Jersey, I feel like, kind of the same place. They're kind of the same thing. They're like the sewage of New York City. The cultural sewage. I've never seen Long Island Medium, the show, but she's fun.

Just the commercials are fun. She's hilarious. She did the, well, the Kardashians are everywhere. They're just bums. No. They're the highest paid bums I know. Yeah. Sure, you could be, you could have money, but, like, I could still, like, not care about what you're doing.

Yeah, lame as fuck. Right? It's like, they're just so saturated. They have no concept of curation. But apparently, like, the ratings are down. Like, this is their lowest rated season. No shit. People, I think, maybe are starting to get tired.

We're getting fatigued. I'm ready for it, man. I mean, well, what are they doing on the show? What is the show? Well, that's why Tristan had to get with Jordan. So they'd give it like more. Ooh. Yikes.

That's what happened. Because people are saying that they think that it's all like planned. Oh, my gosh. That makes perfect sense. And now that you've told me it, that's my truth. That's what it is. That was the conspiracy. It's for the next season.

Well, Jordan was not. I mean, Tristan. Tristan was not ever her boyfriend. He was a dude that she had a baby with and he was a hoe the entire time. No, but he was a hoe when she met him. They didn't get engaged. They got engaged, no? But he had a girl that was pregnant.

Oh, and left when they met. Yeah. Oh, my God. So Chloe, like, stole him from somebody. Like, so of course he did the same thing. He says, girl, bye. Oh, but this is on, this goes with the theme on friendship. The Jordan and Kylie situation.

What do you think about that? So now that you've exposed to me the truth that it is definitively a contractual agreement. Definitively. I think that their friendship is probably privately thriving. I feel like Kylie doesn't even strike me as somebody who would give up her friends for her family. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think they're all just like a clan of ladies

and they don't care. I don't think they care about Tristan. And they don't make him money. Yeah. Is there anything wrong with that? It's very soulless. Like obviously you're empty inside, inside but like you know you building the empire off of the drama or whatever and you giving the

people what they want i haven't like cared until recently and like they're so trump that i'm like you're literally like ruining the world now and you've made the money and it's time to stop i haven't given a shit i've just been like fine that's what the world is who cares but it's just i was like talking about this in stand-up it's like do i have to am i gonna grow old with stormy jenner am i gonna follow the life and styles of stormy fucking first of all stormy is such a porn star name and it's stormy with an i it's rude it was that week there was a tweet that was like the naming of somebody told me about the naming of kylie jenner's child is her letting the world aggressively know she doesn't watch the news right it was like stormy daniels was like

all the way trending i'm like you are i mean it's just but it's with an eye so it's not the same it's not i thought stormy daniels had an eye stormy daniels has a why but stormy i mean stormy you know and it's just like i don't know like when kim and courtney had babies it was like okay kylie having a baby i'm like fucked up over it still it's ruined the whole it's ruined your chakras i'm like yeah my alignment is all my bundas are all in my bundas yeah my heart bond is in my anal bonda there's honestly a like a grundle bundle i don't know what word you're saying what's a bundle it's like a in the black community bundles is like hair you know ounces of hair four ounces of hair is a bundle no bonda in like yoga is like chakra you just said it right

I think it's like a similar Work Look at me knowing words That I don't even know What it is I think it's like a I think it's like a similar thing Where you're like

My heart chakra I think is the same as Banda Do you Do you go to yoga by yourself Or do you go with your friends Are you one of these people That's like I have to work out Alone

I go by myself I can't schedule Working out with people Marie Same I'm the same person Yeah we have some similar We have some similar things

And we have some similar things But that's Some of shit where it's like What we're gonna Call Talk yeah I don't want to talk I want to like do the thing and I'm the motherfucking talker

Sydney's the one at yoga like Marie look yeah Marie there's a hole in her tights yeah I'm the worst Marie look I can't do it that would be annoying the whole time but that's the thing too like I would watch you watch Sex and the City and they would take these like fitness classes together

and they would just talk the whole scene and it was like they not ever gonna shush y'all yeah I think Sex and the City they had like a 36 hour day and the reality of Sex and the City. They had a lot of time. They had a lot of money. The dollar went further in the Sex and the City world.

Oh, yeah, because Carrie Bradshaw just wrote a freaking newspaper column. A column? A column. Yeah, we love print here. She didn't have no roommate. No, no. Not a studio. She had a proper one bedroom.

And the closet. I'm like, this is a bedroom. This is a two bedroom. And those people would have stopped being her friends eventually because she was so selfish and narcissistic. And even when she would come to the rescue as a friend, And it was still just kind of be about her. And so that I actually thinking about it, I despise that show now at where I am right now.

It's just like, oh, this is just so unrealistic. And it's showing like women empowerment, but in the way of like white women and a certain type of white woman. Because Carrie being broke was not real broke because she's still wearing. It was never even broke. like right you know it wasn't even them claiming if they were poor and it's like no you're broke they weren't even fucking broke yeah it made um but in actuality carrie should have been the brokest yeah right she worked the least but and spent the most money yes right and should have wore terrible shoes that were always breaking right and like i just like seinfeld friends

and sex in the city to have had like one black person each show is unacceptable and who was the black person that sex in the city oh blair underwood for like a moment for a moment i've hated him since set it off why the buppy at the bank yeah because he was the one that was like dating uh jada pinkett oh and just every movie he does i hate him because i've said it all and he's just like he's like terrence howard to me like in that like oh gotcha uppity like debutante ball black you know what i mean like well my my grandfather yeah right that um i just don't like him cool but he dated miranda and i was like well that's the one he deserves oh miranda i'll take that at face value the lawyer with the braces yeah

it's crazy it's so crazy i mean i don't even know who the black one was in seinfeld i know I don't know that there was there was like a gay Latino member who was like would chase you know I don't know I'm gonna say on the record I didn't watch Seinfeld I could not relate it was not for me I watch it now and I'm like

I'm like nauseous it's fucking wild Seinfeld it is like a different fucking reality where white people don't know that black people exist I feel like that's kind of what Friends is too but Friends and Seinfeld I didn't watch them when they were on TV. I'll watch them like

if I'm on the road or something or I'm at my mom's house and it's on the TV. Because it's on the TV, yeah, yeah, yeah. And 90210 as well. I used to enjoy that show, though. Why? I mean, I just, you know. To laugh at Donna? Remember Donna? Tori Spelling. That was hysterical. Donna!

She was the butt of all jokes. Tori Spelling is still a butt of jokes. I didn't watch it. Okay, so what did you watch as a kid? What were your shows? I watched Seinfeld. I watched a lot of TV. I watched like... Gilligan's Island

Bewitched Seinfeld Bewitched I watched that on Nick at Night yeah that's a good one I watched I Love Lucy I watched some like Wayans Brothers

they were up on CW did those shows kind of like Martin like sculpt how like you're gonna be a person

or how you treat other people well yeah and also just like comedy and TV I was just like into it you know it's weird

it's like I didn't watch like we didn't have HBO I didn't watch Sex and the City but like all these like male comedy shows It was a lot. I watched Comedy Central.

I watched whatever, Upright Citizens Brigade. That was a show on Comedy Central? Yeah. A bizarre sketch show that wasn't even quite funny. It was just fucking bizarre. It was so weird. And Strangers with Candy I watched. Strangers with Candy?

I watched Dave Chappelle, the Dave Chappelle show. Yeah, I watched Chappelle. How old are you? No, you're doing business. Bitch, please. I'm 31. I'm 31. I'm seeing if I'm older than you.

You're not. Okay, okay, okay. I watched Chappelle too. like Chappelle. Damn, Milana, you were like, the H. Chappelle show, how old are you, bitch?

Like, damn. Well, no, I was a teenager. I thought you were watching it as a kid. I thought you were like eight. Nah, I was like two jobs.

I had a kid on the side, you know. So dumb. But a lot of, it's crazy because I feel like you're a great guest right now

for Friendship because you're ending Broad City and that's like, you have your friend that you do a show with and now it's over are you guys still gonna work together you still gonna chat you know what's weird about it too is like friendship that's been exploited yes choicefully exploited by us and it's like supposedly and it fucking is empowering because we're the ones

doing the exploitation about it as you guys know yeah and you guys like run you know you know how what that is but um and it was empowering but it was like fucking hard and because of how hard it is is why i'm glad it's ending it's just been so it's just been a lot you know it's so good though and it seems so effortless yeah thank you and i think that's why people like the show so much is because it's like they're not even acting thank you you get to be yourself and you get to have these adventures and like that's what friendship is about right exaggerated versions of yourselves but like still like i think that's why people like it so much because it doesn't seem like thank you so much too much yeah i feel um it's it is so hard it's like 10 months of the

year of like a grind you know what i mean i'm like also it's like i'm sorry that i asked you but i look fucking older than you not just because i'm white but also because i have grays from the show oh well straight up like this you know what i mean i got gray somewhere else sis you can hide that shit i got i got gray i didn't even know you could get gray hairs there until i saw one and i had to pluck it immediately it ruined my mouth um you plucked gray pubes um i don't yet oh so you're saying you don't have them i don't have them yeah yeah yeah no fuck me fuck me fuck me a couple months ago wow a lot of stress you know wow yeah the stress happens right it just happens but my question is how are you able to to deal with being a friend and still

working like if y'all had a fight and you go to work what happens we like really kind of it's funny don't tell me y'all ain't never had a fight it's not that we never had a fight but we're kind of like dudes you guys are really female you and i have a similar masculinity but you're very womanly you two especially you sydney you're you're flowing woman literally crying as we talk you smell like a uterus you are flowing womanhood i can smell your pheromones i can they smell great um they smell like they're just flowing and renewing all the time but sydney's one of these people that like wants to talk about stuff like why she feels a certain way and like what happened but it's hard it it truly is hard if you're the opposite of me yeah if you're not an

emotional person and you're like it's fine whatever we'll just talk about it that's kind of how i am that's how that's how you are yeah like i want to talk about like i mean as you saw from my dorky fucking feces not feces feces like i want to like talk about shit that's like not me i'm realizing also with the show ending and like i've been able to channel talking about myself through the show and then the rest i'm like bye i want to like get high and now it's like oh no like what's abby's more inclined to like bring to the table what's going on with her her yeah and like i'm more like who cares about everything it's kind of like a form of depression i guess yeah you know what that is yeah i think so i think it's like i just don't care about a lot of stuff it's like

that sounds like depression i mean honestly and and wow am i depressed no i think i don't care about anything no but i think you always have like a lot you are able to make stories out of nothing and you're always engulfed in like you and what's going around you no i'm but that's not true like i've been sitting in these meetings for work where we're talking about like the news of the day and like what we want to discuss like the hot topic wise and i'm like i don't care about that i definitely don't care about that and people are like oh yeah we can really talk up this michael cohen thing or whatever and i'm just like who is it what are they pitching you shit yeah they're like pitching they're like well this is what else is happening in the news and fedex has

a robot that and it's like who gives a shit do they ask what you're interested in i just wanted to talk about solange and black planet so you should that's what should be i did i got on i ignored the teleprompter and i was like we're gonna talk about so long yes and they were like go to the next topic and I was like actually you need to take the earwig out get the fuck out of here it's like you're fucking talking I want to know what you want to talk about also like it's a talent driven

show like how are you going to have a show that's talent driven and it's nothing coming from us I heard about it all from this perspective that I'm like I just get it are we going to do this on the pod y'all are messy shout out to the people that work you can take it out do whatever the fuck you want

I'm just like take nothing out great I'm just like what yeah keep it all in I'm just like I want to know what Marie's thinking about well see your show was a weekly show how many episodes did you guys have like in a season like 20 10 I would say one episode it feels like 20 I mean it it's 10 and it takes 10 months to make so an episode takes a month on average but we're writing for three months we're writing for three months we're pre-producing and shooting for four months and then editing for three months you guys were together all the time it is insane it's insane and we're always like people are we're like talking to each other i wonder if you guys experience this where you're like you know

somebody told marie marie told me something you know what i mean and you're like i'm fucking looking at you who told me the thing abby told me the thing yeah we've done that before we'll tell each other information no we've been told each other we've been together like 10 to 11 months a year all day every day for honestly 10 years the the 10 fucking years i'm 31 that's a third of my life that that sorry to keep reminding you my age but no i do have the grays to like show it and like it's it's been from the web series and we like uh my friend lucia who directed and wrote and produced broad city got me a job i got abby a job we were working together to get the web series done like it's just taken and it's like takes about a month to make an episode so

what's next how often are you gonna see your friend that you've seen it is so weird for 10 months for 10 years and so like to not see her for a couple days i'm like oh like when i like get it in my arms i'm like bitch you smell good bitch um so it's nice it's like such a it's a nice that's nice you know what i mean to like miss someone is nice yeah i i feel like before you got the job, I was having anxiety because I'm like, oh, we don't see each other a lot anymore. Like, we're just having different schedules. And I was like,

does that mean we're not going to be as close? Is she going to talk to somebody else and just forget about me? And it's stupid. It's stupid to think that. It's not stupid. I mean, that's what you're thinking. You're a vessel for that thought. That's what it is. Oh, come on, Yogi.

I just can't believe it. Yogi Glazer. Yogi Glazer. i just can't believe i just can't believe your openness like it's wild i've been in therapy a long time and i'm just like fuck you flowing uh no well it's because there's always been open there's you and there's other people in the room so marie's might not be as mean i'm like yeah me and marie are gonna go on five years of being friends and like wow we were working together a lot

and seeing each other a lot and now it's like Kevin Munchkin oh yeah of course when we when we met each other it was like we would hang out

every single day for like a summer where'd you guys live that you were able to do that Brooklyn here no no no

I mean like literally what train were you off of oh no not the same train not the same train walkable no we would meet

each other in the city and spend the whole day together and then be like let's go get food and then it was like let's make fun of everybody that we don't like

which is everybody so we have a lot in common that's cool it's easy like i think it's easy when you like somebody to just be around that person all the time but like i had a boyfriend at the time and he thought it was weird he was like you're gonna hang out with her again and it was like yeah yeah she's fun yeah yeah that's fucking awesome he was like are you gonna leave me because i was like i have a girl crush and he's gonna leave me for this girl and i was like oh but it's just like yes yeah but then i did he's dead to us but but

oh he's gone he's gone but did you was there ever a point where you're like okay this is not fun anymore is this is that why the season is ending or y'all just growing no it's it's totally been not fun at points consistently throughout that's honest but i think people don't realize that it's a job right it's a cool job but like any anybody else that's that has a job most people hate their jobs right yeah but like you're doing something that you created but it still works and you're like not supposed to hate it or else you're like a fucking douche i'm like a psycho bro i'm tie tie and it's like it just kept going you know and it's a because it was doing so well yeah and it's so well and like i feel creatively

like you know it was doing well creatively it's not like we've our our views are terrible today like they're terrible this season worse than ever before and they've never even been that good but it's like getting to do it creatively it's fucking crazy it's like a huge privilege and a blessing but you know what i'm actually realizing now that it's ending it's like our we're lucky that we can channel creativity to talk about yogi fucking glazer but we're lucky that we can channel creativity we're lucky i don't it's just it's just what happened we don't how do we how did we honed it and we continue to but we're lucky artists like are like delivering a message or something and um okay that was sydney laughing at me the one i thought who wouldn't um

I had munchkin in my mouth Her mouth was full I'm stuffing munchkins down your mouth And like you know Our bodies are our Vessels to express it My body's fucking tired Your body can really only

And only it's been 10 fucking years Like my body can't anymore So what's next? What are you going to do after this? So Abby and I are continuing to work together You're like we're done with this It's over it's 10 years

of 10 months we're still gonna be working together I'm seeing her right after this I'm going over to her place right after this to write a thing and to like

take care of some Broad City like loose ends but we got shit going we're like producing a couple shows we're each producing solo a couple shows

that's beautiful I feel like you're doing movies and stuff now yeah I'm I wrote this movie that I'm shooting in April that's a fucking

horror movie look at you it's so I'm like so Come on Jordan P Yes Jewish Jordan P I love it

Thank you That's a That's huge Yeah And stand up Movies and stand up And trying to like Produce other people shit

Because you want to Pass the baton You're like You want to help Because It's such a cool It's such a Awesome skill

To like raise up a show And I Like doing that That's amazing Yeah That's It's so helpful too Because

In this industry you can see there's like circle jerking and people only uplifting the only people that they know and they don't think of anything outside the box and it's just like that's why I love when we produce comedy shows because we put up all different

types of funny people even people that are like I don't necessarily find this funny but the audience might fuck with it so it's just like you gotta think out of the box and you know this like like whatever shit I'm talking about like vessel and shit it's like for real though it's like I'm just like it is a fucking job being an artist.

And now that it's like coming to a close, I'm able to, with a little distance, I'm able to see that. And it's like, I don't have all the messages. But I just have this skill set to like create a vehicle. Like if someone can like work on cars, I'm like, I can like build a show car. You know what I mean?

A show car. So it's a car that it looks like it can work, but it's not working? Well, it's like, you know. A show car. No, it's like a car. I can build that car. Oh, okay.

That's a half hour. the car is a show it's a show right wow i'm foolish i'm also i'm talking nonsense no no no everyone's like a little bit tired yeah uh who do you remember who your first friend is absolutely do you remember who your first friend is soon uh we'll get back to you yeah okay i mean like outside of my brother who was obviously my not obviously my first best friend like my first friend was um daniel oh daniel a boy a boy a boy a boy similar like style to my brother uh gay boy you know what i mean and me and daniel we were so daniel's older brother was actually uh friends with my brother so we were just like friends automatically like put in the crib you know

the day we were like born or whatever uh 18 days apart put put into crib and we got all our all our childhood I don't have a friend like that yeah it's really lucky and Daniel is so fucking funny and like

just you know like in comedy like we're trying like we're fucking trying you know your friends your family members who are like not trying

and they are so much funnier than us oh yeah like Daniel is just like family members funny but that's Maria that's how

I think of you like you're not even it doesn't even faze you you'll get on stage and just and it's like damn that's just cause

I'm a lazy comedian and I'm not out here writing jokes. No, but you're just naturally funny. I go up there and run my mouth. You're naturally funny. You know you're a star. Thank you so much. You know you're a star.

Honestly and truly. If I had a dollar every time I heard that, I would already have enough money to buy a star. Thank you so much. Yeah. I feel like my first friend was this girl named Shakira that lived like around the corner from my house. And one day, I had really strict parents.

And one day, like I invited her over to the house to play catch, but didn't tell my parents. And she came with her dad with like a mitt and a ball. And my dad was like, yes. And he was like, you know, I'm dropping Shakira off to play catch with Marie. And my dad was like, they got school tomorrow. Like that's how strict my parents were. Damn!

Not on a school night and not in the yard. Talk about therapy. That's a perfect symbol of everything. That's the first scene in my pilot. It's just a throwback of my dad saying I can't play catch. Can't play catch. They have school tomorrow. It's like, they're in kindergarten.

That's not really school. Wow. Damn. They're going to play catch. Yeah. And my dad was like. It's like, let's do this. It can be a half hour.

Right. But like, also, as I was a kid and I made this plan and completely forgot until they got there. To tell your parents. Yeah. And they're like, who are you? Or whatever. It was like, oh, Shakira, we're going to play catch.

And my dad was like, no, you ain't. You're going to do homework. You're going to learn these letters. That was my first friend. Damn. Shakira. I don't know what happened to her. I'm not friends.

Are you still friends with Daniel? Yeah. I'm not friends with Shakira. That's sick. He's so fucking awesome. But it was easy to catch up with you. Like, you might not know what Daniel's doing, but he saw you and he's like, oh, I know where she at.

I'm going to find you. It's different. I can't find. I like sinking in with people. Yeah. My first friend were my cousins. I didn't grow up with my mom. I grew up with my aunt and uncles and I was close with family.

So like my cousins were legit my only friends for a while. How many cousins you got? Or that you grew up with like that? Oh, I grew up with like six, seven. Wow, that's awesome. That's like six siblings. Yeah. Do you not have cousins?

I do, but it's like, I don't know, small families and everybody's, I don't know, nervous and not quite open. Seriously, like close. I love my cousins. Kind of closed off. How about your, oh yeah, cousin Andrew. Cousin John. Yes, you know my cousins. You have good cousins.

Cute. And they're tall and just like. They're attractive. They're attractive. People are like, is everyone in your family hot? And I'm like, everybody except for my dad. That's cute. I mean, they say we all look like my dad.

So my dad is obviously sexy. Yeah. I heart Samuel. He's the best. Hot dad. Samuel. Sam's. But what?

You were like, eh? It was, but like what? Oh, it's just, I'm coming from a situation where I'm not with my mom and all my cousins were with their parents. Their mom, right. So it was a little like, yeah, that's our weird cousin. Right, right, right. that's like extended

but she's actually our first cousin but she's just weird so like Sydney is our weird cousin yeah I love that I was legit the weird cousin everybody has a weird cousin

because I had so many toys because I didn't grow up with my brothers and sisters my brother and sister so I had to make friends with things that couldn't talk to me right

so I was the weird one it's so it's interesting learning about you because it's like yeah you do have only child vibes really

you your energy feels very I'm a little bit weird because i had to play by myself but you but you lived with them the cousins no i didn't live with them oh they lived in the neighborhood they live they see see what i said nailed it got it on the head yeah yeah yeah got you but that's nice that they were there yeah but communication wise it wasn't because we didn't really talk about like feelings yeah it's not the same we're talking about feelings with their cousins well that's well but like growing up you want that yeah i mean

again we just gonna bring this fire again up one more time when I burned my house down by accident my cousins made fun of me they laughed they were like oh you know you know you done fucked up now right you know like I couldn't be around fire I couldn't be in the kitchen I couldn't be near

candles like it was a big deal but it was also a very casual roast every time but that's also funny and makes it like palatable or something yeah well that's why I could talk about it without being like oh shit Like, that was actually fucked up, you know?

Right, right, right. I'm in my house now. You know what happened to everybody, right? Right, right, right. And people are like, no. Right? No. Right.

Did you ever do anything crazy like that? Like, I used to steal as a kid. Wow. And I was talking to my mom. I did that, too. I was talking to my mom about it, like, a couple weeks ago. And the first time I stole, I was in kindergarten. And I stole from the school store.

Wow. And my mom, like, gave me and my brother the same, like, 50 cents. and I came home with this giant bag of stuff that I'd stolen and my brother came back with a soccer eraser or something. That is so funny, like not covert at all. You're like, I'm getting a sack of shit. Oh, and I don't know how they didn't

like, I was literally just like throwing, I mean, they must have seen it. Hilarious. And then when I got home, I didn't tell my parents, apparently I hadn't told my parents that I stole it. I told my mom that I took money out of her purse and paid for the stuff. Good God. Oh, wow.

She said that to me two weeks ago and I was like, that's actually know what happened at all i stole it that is so funny she's like hey that time that you stole money out of my purse and i was like i've literally never done that i just stole it from the white people at the school yeah i stole money kind of makes sense i sold my i stole my uncle's uh social security money damn wow yeah it was like and i bought just candy and snacks for people i was like buying friends and then i stole barbie doll clothes at the store so it's just like i I used to steal Barbie doll clothes, too. The clothes were the best part of the Barbie.

Yeah, that's, like, the only reason you're getting a Barbie. That shit makes sense. You guys weren't, like, you know what I mean? I'm, like, yeah, who fucking cares? What did you do? What was, like, something bad that you did? I was, like, not bad. I'm a true nerd and dork.

I didn't. Just, like, perfect attendance. Yeah, I was not bad. That's good. I mean, really, I, like, once, like, cooked when my mom wasn't home and all this, like, my brother and I, this, like, cake thing, melted plastic all into the stove. I mean, that whatever. And I once, like. You had, like, an Easy Bake Oven dish on the stove.

I, like, pushed some, not push, but, like, encouraged my friend. I was like, we can swim with your parents on home. That was really bad. And her parents were, like. We can swim with your parents on home? Could y'all swim? we could but it's also like they could have got we could have gotten hurt but but also it's fine i don't know and her parents were mad wait i wanted to say also like i grew up with like my

mom and dad and we didn't really talk about feelings either really and they're really nice my parents and sweet and like lovely but i'm like learning how to talk about feelings now it's hard it's so weird fucking hard and you're also like i feel this but it's changing so don't even worry about thinking about it or processing it or reacting to it because I did feel this kind of way

but yeah but I could also not feel it you know what I mean like it's hard for me to like yeah so like they didn't fucking talk about it either

they don't they're learning too so do you talk to your friends like that like are you the friend that people call when they need sympathy or are you the friend

they call when they just want you to like roast them on the phone no I don't roast no they it's like I'll help I help figure out like the mentality

around something that's so wild to me I mean, after college and being a waitress for so long, I know about talking to people because everyone's always going through something. So you got to listen. And then either you're going to be the listener or you're going to give solutions. Are you going to be a realistic person or are you going to make fun of everything? So like I know all of those things, but now I'm in a place where I don't have a lot of friends. I'm like, I have this.

I have a lot of people I'm cool with. yeah but the people my core people it's just a few when i it went from right 10 to now three but then it's like that means it's getting more real yeah also the older you get the less friends you feel like you need yeah right like you're like oh i already have all of a hundred all my friends for the for life yeah it's like i'm so fucking tired i can't like have more right but then you meet people that you like or you vibe with and then you're like oh i'm gonna call that person and see and it like kind of shocks me when i make a new friend in adulthood i don't feel that way I've been feeling like, damn, I don't, where, my friends that I had before comedy, I don't

talk to them like that, and I've said no so many times to things that they invited me to, so. They're not inviting you out no more. Yeah, they're not, they can't. You're pre-comedy friends. Yes, and they know. But comedy was the way that you found real friends. Ah.

The thing about artists or entertainers, they're very into themselves, so the people who are not in comedy just have a different way of approaching friendship than people who are actively working yeah they want to hear themselves talk they're working on jokes in your face yes they're like and then after so was that funny yeah yeah yeah yeah that's that's hard for me i always like to get like real or something and i like i like in front like intimacy is hard you know like intimacy just is to me is like a problematic word like like vulnerable i believe yes marie does not those are related bitch she wants nothing to do with that problematic word that is so fucking funny you're like butthole clenches up yeah i was like vulnerable like weak

he was like no like vulnerability is a strength and i was like i was like you know i gotta get to a comedy show it was like 2 p.m that is so funny you're like i have a mic i'll see you i have a mic i'll see you bro i'm a couple see you later dude vulnerability does feel weak it feels like damn you can't it feels weak during it because you're like you can't keep it together like whenever there's somebody who's having a full-on meltdown on social media i'm like bitch call your friend but that's not vulnerable because you're like not in person with anybody that's mentally ill that's not vulnerable vulnerability is in person honesty and also with yourself if you're just like spewing trash and you are going through a toxic thing that's not the same as being like

yo i am weak when it comes to confronting challenging moments in our relationship and it's because i don't know how to make space for myself you have a lot of heart to hearts yeah i feel like i yeah yeah yeah i don't like roast or something you know i mean it's like you don't marie heart to heart seems like a lot of sydney energy yeah uh the yogi glazer it just but then what's the thing where like that i feel kindred with you where it's like oh who cares you know it's like partially like um you know the lucas bros yeah yeah like we were talking about this um recently about um optimistic nihilism you know it's like nihilism is like oh everything's gonna fucking blow up anyway and also in the face of fucking climate change it's like uh oh yeah we

have like we have like 12 months yeah it's like shit is burning who does fucking care but um but then there's an optimism where it's like fun or it's just like what it is yeah it is what it yeah so like i vibe that with you like i'm i really you flow hard really yeah i don't feel that way i feel like because i'm so depressed there's like i'm not vibing with my friends appropriately because i'm always in my head but everybody's depressed doesn't everybody feel that yeah i'm like last night i was with my friends i haven't seen them in a while and was super depressed and it was a little weird but it was also fine and it's just like they understand and yeah yeah and i was just like what i'm gonna fucking perform for you no who cares they don't

want that either it's that's fucking weird actually weirder than just being depressed a little bit performing for your friends yeah and being like totally um you know what i thought of yeah it's like no yeah do you have a lot of famous friends no it makes me like nervous What? Alana, I feel like all your friends are famous. Who? Who? I mean, you're always on the red carpet.

I mean. But that's not friendship. That is a terrifying part of the job. What? I can't wait to get on the motherfucking red carpet. I'm like, yo, Marie, come on. Let's go. No, I'm like, my heart is racing.

I'm like doing like breathing exercises. Oh, yeah, we went to like a gala in December or whatever that was. And we walked on red carpet. They were like, look, we'll take your bags. and somebody walks in front of you with like your name on a thing

and like people don't know who the hell you are at all they know who you are but they don't know us Sydney had a pink suit on she just was like giving a shoulder

and titty did you guys do together and solo no we just did solo oh just solo yeah what'd you wear I had on a

sequined sequined everything dress that I wore and then returned immediately sequins were loose

and everything it was just like the item arrived damaged No, I feel like famous friends, it's more like comedy friends. You know what I mean? I'm like Abby and Hanifol and Arturo. Like, I don't know. I get nervous like getting in the mix in that way.

I'm like. Well, that's how I met you. I met you at the knitting factory in a back room. Yeah. And it was like a big ass. He had like everybody. Everybody was there. Yeah.

I remember I didn't know about Broad City yet, but y'all had got on stage in the whole room. it was packed everybody was like I was like who are these two cute girls just like all of the fans and they're like

that's Broad City and then I watched Broad City and I was like okay I get it I get it I get it she was like okay I got it

you know if someone becomes like a real person or whatever then that's I'm like friends with Zoe Kravitz which is like you can't imagine

that this person is a real person cheekbones just can you not stop looking at them is she tiny is she smaller than you smaller than me

Polly Pocket like I mean just a visually perfect creature you know just beautiful but she like

really happens to be a real person you know but she plays movies where she's a real person and she always gets that

that indie film that you're like oh why are you doing this Zoe and she's like this is gonna make me better yeah yeah

I really she's not doing it because she needs money she's like I was really involved with the project well she was really good in um right what's that show with big little lies big little lies she was great in that oh she

crushed it she was so zoe kravitz to me yeah yeah i don't know her but i was like look at zoe yeah yeah somebody yes right somebody wrote the character and it was like zoe kravitz up top they're like i'm gonna write this character and it's zoe kravitz and she's gonna do it she probably didn't even have to go through wardrobe she just like wore her own stuff yeah like she just was like you know like eric andre i'm like what you know what i mean it's like it's just like that's really where I like know people from the wackiest of whack jobs but in a great way yeah he's so

fun I remember he's a sweetie I remember I saw him naked at a show and I was like just butt naked at a free show he posted himself naked on Instagram I screenshotted that shit he posted himself naked on Instagram yeah his fucking dick out with like an eggplant on it or something

yike no bitch dangalang our gay tall cute intern producer Andrew He showed us a dick last week. Yeah. Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken sent him a dick pic on Instagram.

How was it? It was. Do you want to see it? I would love to see Clay Aiken's penis. Alana, have you ever been like sexually attracted to a friend or kind of like turned on or thought about it? Absolutely. I totally have had sex with friends or just like sexual experiences.

And also I'm attracted to most of my friends. it's why wow I don't want no that's a good friend to have really I'm just like why am I

when you like talk to people and you're like into them I'm like I'm attracted to this person enough to hang with them not to bang you know not bang Sydney I don't want you

to be attracted to me and I'm not attracted to my friends I want to see the dick I like that you're attracted to wow okay Clay Akin's penis oh my gosh

and his pubes are great as well Lala wouldn't even have thought of that his pubes you're looking at the pubes you're really into Artis my friend i really i i um wait let me see the pubes again i love dick like romantically why dick is so ugly it really is oh i think it's cute that dick looks like it asked for the manager the dick is like can i can i see the manager and it yelps shit it looks like it's

a yelper the dick is even leaving yelp review it's great it's like solid you just you like dicks oh um i'm just like yeah i'm totally attracted to my friends and i think about it all the time and they they know it and you're you're you're like that on the show though too yeah so yeah were you did you ever be like i would date abby no no no we're like your sister we're like sisters yeah yeah that's like my my sister and my business sister i would never it's your colleague yeah i would never let go i'd be like did we do the thing you know what i mean like i i'm just like no i never really thought about it i was talking about it last night actually with um my other friends who were like watched the web series recently and they were

like you were that was that wasn't in the web series or something or that was more in the web series or whatever the fuck and i was like i think it's because i was like dude you're you're so hot you should know that your ass is fucking fat and incredible your tits are like episode of this season yeah you got all these videos of her but and i'm like you got like high pert little titties you're so hot and like she you know she couldn't accept that and that became a joke that's like where that's from her being like you're nuts and i'm like i'm not like look back at it in the mirror and one time bitch and you'll know i ain't got to say nothing to marie she know air tang about even thing that's not there she's like girl look look my neck my neck is great everything yeah but

sydney does have a great butt you guys are both so literally stunningly beautiful that that's nice for you honestly honestly and truly that's why that must be nice partly why we're friends yeah that's how we met her and was like oh she's really pretty yeah you're equally like a good gorgeous she's really pretty another pretty girl in comedy she's gonna be my friend i'm gonna make her my friend and literally i felt like our friendship got as close as it did because i am persistent and i know what to do to get like friends yeah i'm like girl you want me to come pick you up okay i'm all the way and it's like no you're not girl come to my job they make you sandwiches that's not even on the menu yeah and i'm a taker so i'm just like wow yeah such a good

friend yes i'm just like taking yes yes tick tick tick tick and then it's like then sydney will be like marie you need to stop taking so much and i'm like oh my god is that is this vulnerable is this what vulnerable is oh my god i mean oh my god i feel like since you started your new job you're like you're more giving now that's crazy because why is it why is it crazy i feel like i'm not giving anybody anything because you're giving so much to the job but it's probably like working the giving muscle yeah yeah what was the thing vulnerable and what was the other one problematic Intimacy. Ha ha!

LOL, bitch. Fully the same word, pretty much. Almost the same word. That is hysterical. It's just like, I feel like, Cindy, you don't have problems with being vulnerable, but do you have problems with being intimate? Yes. Everybody does.

Since I have sobriety, absolutely. Everybody does. Absolutely. Ooh, are you 100% sober? 100%. Ooh! And so it is- Did you smoke weed before?

Yeah, but it wasn't like my thing, but I was- Me neither. it wasn't really like i'm not fiending for you know a joint or anything like that or i can't was it more drinking oh drinking drugs just being out never going home um having an overnight bag to be out in the streets wow fuck overnight bag overnight bag it's like i love being out so much let me pack for the week like drinking such a fucking problem and like leads to other bad fucking shit hannibal stopping drinking has been so inspiring to me thank you a lot let me tell you We see, he was at the knitting, you know, the new knit, that's what we call it.

The new knit. The new knit. I love the new knit. And he pulled up, and I was like, Hannibal, you look good. Bro, every time I see him, I'm like, you're, talk about being attracted to your friends. I'm just like, you look so hot. You look so fucking gorgeous. I'm in the edit.

I'm like, do you see how hot you are? You look gorgeous. When did he stop drinking? A year ago? Jan 1, 2018. Yeah, a year ago. I said, what kind of moisturizer are you using? Gorgeous.

What kind of moisturizer are you using? Money? And he was like. he's like haha he's like I'll stop drinking and I was like work

work zaddy dude a full on young zaddy he looks he looks gorgeous and I don't know why that's not enough for me to stop drinking

completely but when I met him when I met him you know he couldn't really see that well and uh um shout out to Hannibal

you know I love you um he was no he was a different yes he was he was plump

and Che was skinny and now it's kind of like yeah now che now che put on the weight he's just thicker he's not i wouldn't call him thick i mean that's what i meant i would say thick with a ct shout out to che he's great as well he's thick yeah um yes that's so funny man fuck that's true i mean yeah i mean but like boys also they no go ahead i was gonna say that's the cool thing about just seeing your friends grow right yeah and glow up right especially i feel like for you because you're working with people like everybody that you're friends with is like making money

and working and thriving so like you're around people who are just like they drink different water than us yeah of course all your friends look good yeah it's wild because it's like when you meet like in a different place i also i don't know it's it's weird yeah it's good i'm i'm always worried that I'm not growing enough and so I'm always stressed out when other people are growing faster because then it's like am I getting left behind?

Am I not doing what I need to do? Because even though I'm sober I still act like an addict and I still act like I don't have it together and I'm not doing anything right. But I know that that's not true. Because also you're raising your yogic laser. You're raising

your consciousness about it. That's the first way to get I mean even you being like Oprah's what's the guy's name like Deepak Deepak Chopra you're our Deepak Oprah's I don't know what he is he's kind of a bit of a showman you know but you know also you saying like vulnerable

and intimacy well that's also I learned from therapy just like acknowledging shit like starts to raise your consciousness and you're like what the fuck you know I I like yeah it's easy to like not acknowledge something right and but then it's still like creeping in your brain when you don't want to think about it so it's

Like, you might as well, you do have at least probably a false sense of control, but like some control when you name, name shit. I don't know. Do you acknowledge things, Marie? Oh, I'm one of the, like now, the way that my schedule, the way that my sketch is working, I can't acknowledge anything until Friday. Like, Friday is my day where I like, I'm responding to emails. I am.

I'm talking to things. I am right there with you. I'm right there with you. I'm doing things I didn't do all week because Friday's it. My like partner, I'm literally, and I thought this was, I used to think this was bad. Now I'm like, maybe it's good. I'm like can't talk about anything we can snuggle

and fuck you know what I mean but like I cannot talk about I'm exhausted Alana I ain't got half a shit going on as you and I still be like I can't back up I'll just be like I can't can you meet me no I can't meet you nowhere

no Sydney I feel like if a friend calls you and they need you you'll drop everything to that friend if they need you I'm not doing that but I feel like you would do that If someone's like, Sydney, he left me and he took the baby. Marie, if you weren't working, you would do it. What now?

Like, if you didn't, if you had, like, a free schedule. Yes, it's Friday. If y'all are having breakdowns and you're friends of mine, Friday's the only day that I have for me to. You're off Friday, too? Yeah, Friday I'm off. So it's, like, Friday. Let's meet on Friday.

Can you believe that? Like, it's like you want, like, a job in comedy for so long, and then you get it, and it's torture. It's a prison. It's not torture. It's a prison. It's a prison. It's a prison that you like build around yourself and you're like, I'm stuck in this prison.

Yeah. But sometimes you wake up and you're like, this is my job. Oh, fully. But it's like a time prison. Yeah. And it's also taking from you, which it's, it's, it's good that you're getting that giving muscle worked out, like forcibly worked out. But my giving muscle, you know, giving to people.

If you want to give me anything, right? I don't really have anything to give you, but my time. I mean, tomorrow, which is valuable, baby. I mean, if somebody sends you something that doesn't fit, I mean, if you want to, it's not going to fit your sister, obviously. So, you know. I mean, she's too buff for the club. Yeah, she's so buff.

So, like, if you see something that looks very, like, shmedium-ish. If I see something, I'll take something. Shmedium. Shmedium. You a small. You're an extra fucking small. I got big old titties that don't let shit, like, get over them. I know.

I saw that at the show. I was like, oh, wow. What show? When you were at the knit. I was like, because you had a turtleneck on, but it was like a loose turtleneck. But I was also like, oh, wow, Alana's top heavy. Yeah, no, I got titties. Titties.

And like that's that becomes a shmedium situation. You an XXS. What size bra are you? Me? I'm a 32 triple D. Triple D. I feel like you don't. Triple X.

Yeah, I'm XXS. Alana, I feel like you wear bras that don't have support. Like you just like you wearing a little. It depends right now. Like, yeah, right now. Jenny wears bras to present her to Taze. I know. Like, right now I have a small titty girl bra, and I don't know who I think I am wearing it.

Yeah, I don't see it. That doesn't look like a triple D to me. Because they're, like, against my, like, the top of my belly. They're, like, smoothed out, and gravity is just taking care of it, and they're relaxed. My friend needs his Desi Fuentes bra from Rainbow. Wow. That was, like, Desi Fuentes. Are you wearing a strapless bra right now?

It's, yeah, I could take the straps off, but, you know, it's not going to stay. but yeah i wear this bra because this is like my everyday bra but it's fucking up my posture and it's fucking my back because it's just the way you know months it's not real just so you know i mean i made an investment for myself and so right right self-care when care um almost five years ago oh wow okay so i've only known you yeah that's cool the fact that you're like oh i didn't know it's like wow did i really get my money's worth like like did i really spend my money correctly you know um how are your nipples they're great awesome perfect i want to do nipples you know what i mean like i want to do like um i think i want to have kids either which

way at some point i'm gonna do a lift and maybe a little reduction and my nipple pleasure is extremely important to me so i'm happy to hear that your nipples are right because they like cut your nipples off to like yes they do but they can do like a nipple saving situation my friend does is you know like physician's assistants yeah she's a surgical

PA and does titties all the time and I talk about it with her you gotta go like around it yeah you can do

like an anchor yeah an anchor this and then this to the side and it's like yeah but when you get a reduction

where do they take so like for me it's like they would do this tapo titty a moon crescent and they'd go like that

and it's like it's like real like baby scrotum skin so it like should heal pretty quickly as long as you like do the things and then also like

I have such big titties that like to not weigh that down they take a little off and let it rise oh my god bitch I've like talked about this girl this sounds real cute you've been talking about this

yeah at first I was like Alana you are perfect as you are and then I was like you know what if you wanna do that boo I'm here for you but you're gonna go

you're gonna reduce you're gonna go from a triple D to what like a big C yeah I would do like a C usually people go to a C I've gotten my money out of them you know what I mean

I put them on screen I captured that shit I'll have them for a little while you got pictures and what not what you should do before you get the reduction cover your body in paint smush them on something

yes love that just like so you have them forever oh I love that or like take some nudes and like some classic nudes like a black and white

or a boudoir shoot some boudoir shots can you do a little boomerang where you like bounce in them just a little bit just to keep it for yourself dude I've

it's fine you know it's good to know I've done that though on Instagram babe this is art this is an installation I've done that to get voting information out

like a titty boomerang I've seen that of yours but I'll send it directly to you next time truly I guess I gotta go vote now Alana sent it to me that's a good friend have you ever sent nudes to your friends

just for them to tell you if they're okay are you one of these people that's that close to your friends no but I've sent other people's nudes or sexy pictures to people who are my friends and it's sexy man Marie over here is stingy as fuck

I'd be like, yo, bitch, I don't want to see a side of an ass. Like, I don't need to see the whole cheek. Just give me the top cheek. Like, something. The only time I see her body is when we're at the pool, when we stunting and fronting and she at the beach. And I'd be like, okay, my friend is great. And then I'd be like, I can't get no, like, weed doing lingerie.

Look, girl, look what I just bought for this dude that I haven't met yet. You have plenty of other friends that will do that with you. No, I told y'all I don't have no friends. Carolina is always butt naked on FaceTime with me. She give it to everybody. I just got my Savage Fenty order naked. I don't need to see that. I've seen her tits more than I've seen my own.

Damn. I'm like inspired. I'll send you something like cute. I know. We text back and forth, so it's good. We got a rapport now. I'll send you side, you know those side body pictures where it's just like your back is arched and you see a little bit of the butt and you don't see the nipple, but you know

it's there. That's what I'm saying. See, I like lift up. Oh, you hold it. Big ass fucking titties. Dude, Marie. They sound heavy. Something to think about for 2020.

They are. For 2020? 2020. Okay. Sydney, I'll send you a picture of my back. I'm sure it's fucking hot. Right? I'm sure you got the line on the spine.

Please, bitch. I'll take your back. That deep spine. Whatever. I'll take your fucking back, bitch. Just like me, like, kind of looking over my shoulder. Black and white. Yeah.

Butt naked. Butt naked Indian style. Yeah. She'll do it on a Friday for me. On a Friday. On a Friday. Thanks, Brad. But Alana, before we go, I wanted to, if you had any like tips to make sure like working

with friends, making sure like if you have an issue with somebody, you do it head on, like how do you, like what are the tips for people who are friends? Marie's going to fucking hate this, but my tip is therapy. Wow. Really? Because that's where I would like really work shit out. With your friends? No, in therapy.

Therapy. You go to therapy. That helps for work. And then it helps being friends with other people. Yeah, for sure. Because then you like. Yikes. you were yikes yikes honestly it that's it helps me like um but also i have trouble head on talking

about shit do you yeah so like i'm like i'm gonna like work this out on my end and then it won't be a problem but now are you one of these people that like if you have an issue with a friend you'll like text them will you call them i think it has to be a face-to-face i try to do a call like at least a call yeah text is bad i would do a call or in person um because it's like not real you know what I mean texting is not real the context is all fucked up and you can read the tone

all the way incorrect or like too correct and it's like yikes I didn't get any of the compassion and I know like the part of you that hates me now

no yeah well every time you send a text Maria I read it in your voice yeah but but is it right do you think it's accurate

in a way that's helpful and layered or you're like reducing it to the part that you're afraid it is mhm mhm mhm real question come on Yogi Glazer

what is it I don't know I don't know I feel like I still we hang out and I know her as much as she gives me and I'm still like I don't know Marie somebody be like

you and Marie Marie literally could be anybody she could have a whole different life I feel you but I'm also like but it's also like don't you you know not even know yourself I'm like married to someone I'm like do I know this person

myself i'm like i do that you know it just like takes a long time i think to you're married to somebody yeah you know and i'm just like who are you bro do you say that you guys are like were you friends before no good friends no we just met and like fucked immediately and we were like so stoked to be friends and i was like we're we're friends and lovers and then it was like no actually i think we're like partners in this way and it was like i honestly was like did you fight it the whole time you were like fought it for fought it for like months and months and then also in a way fought it for like three years that's marie honestly honestly i swear to fucking god like three to three to four years it's so hard because you're like oh i'm gonna be vulnerable now

this is my vulnerable bucket intimacy like yeah and that's i get all that talk from david i get all that talk from him i'm not into that i like men are so emotional they're so sensitive they're so needy and they want to have these conversations more than we do we've got emotions like flowing through us so hardcore it's just y'all it's your it's your energy that makes them be emotional but anybody else that wants them to be emotional you're like no no no i'm closed up but it's you bitches that bring that like wait you don't want to talk no no i mean it's it's crazy to see in real life, how you're not... No, I don't really...

No. Actually, I don't want to talk about this. And then you just shut down. You're like, wait, oh, wait, I want to fix this. We've got to talk now. David's very like, you are shutting down right now. Do not shut down. I'm like, fuck! Do not shut down. Do not tell me not to shut down. I'm open from 9 to

5. It's 5. We're close. It's not Friday, bitch. I'm like laying on the floor. I'm like, no. Nope. No. yeah I get that I see it I respect that I see it thank you for sharing your truth yeah thanks for having me and also relating to me in different

ways that are highlighting things to me about myself thank you for not coming on and talking about Jewishness and whiteness we were so blessed for that y'all I'm sorry I scared you no you didn't I was about to do like a thesis we did see it and it was like I said hold on let me text Alana

right now hey girl this is real cute we didn't you know what I'm saying down. Wait, what does that say? Junus? But then I thought about it. I was like, well, I know that Alana is very cerebral, but educated and always teaching and getting the word

out, you know? Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot, man. You're a crusader. And so I was like, oh, it comes from a good place. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm just so disgusted by my upbringing in a way that I was ready to break that shit down. Well, freaking love it. Before we go, I want to

see, like, are you the type of person who gives good gifts to your friends? No. No? No. That's hilarious. I'm terrible at it. I'm like, can we just go get dinner?

I don't know how to think of a gift and execute. For like a birthday. Sydney's good at like getting flowers for people. I love flowers and dinner is the best. I'm like, that's forever. I can't think of the symbol that encapsulates what I feel for you or where I think you are at this time. I can't do that shit.

Marie was supposed to give me a gold tooth and she didn't. Oh my God. one of sydney's teeth fell out and i was like did i say something to you a gold tooth we looked online we saw a necklace a tooth necklace yes you were gonna give me a good tooth necklace or my replace because i'm also like just a crown like you know it's a crown is like two it's like five thousand dollars really the really cheap one on etsy i showed you that one too i was like either the tooth the tooth or the crown whichever one you feel compelled oh i'm talking about like a crown oh crown i would just say the cheapest thing that you can get that works for like your actual mouth

but you don't want a tooth replacement you just want a necklace with a tooth yeah okay yeah i'm gonna send me your la address i'll send it to you alana thank you for doing our raggedy ass podcast. Oh my god. Thanks for having me. This was so fun. Tell people where they can catch you. When's this coming out? We don't know. Sometime in March. Yeah, sometime in March. Then Broad City on Thursdays at 10

on Comedy Central. Yes! When is the finale? I think March 28th. That's the episode that Sydney and I are on. March 28th. Let me tell you audience that fucking Marie and Sydney close out the fucking series and it's from the first

line of the first web series ever. They get the last line of the series ever and are so cute and beautiful and natural. It was great. Crazy. It was like it was written for us. Honestly and truly.

You guys did great on casting. I fucking know we did. I know we did. You guys were great. We appreciate you so much. You guys come back and talk about something anything else. Literally anything. But not what's on your list. Not the shit I brought up.

And I feel like you're the friendship expert and we became like better friends now. Me too. Yeah, let's come back and be vulnerable. Thank you. Can do. Bye. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production.

Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. for more original podcasts please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you get your podcasts keep up with the latest forever dog news by following us on twitter and instagram at forever dog team and liking our page on facebook