MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Gentrification Expert" with Khalid Rahmaan

Episode Date: June 16, 2017

Comedian Khalid Rahmaan has real dialogue with Syd & Marie on gentrification.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hi guys welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with sydney and marie you know we're smart people we know smart people that's what this podcast is it's all about the smartness sydney you're my smartest friend well am i no you're not but i feel like maybe i'm the smartest person that you know that's a lie that's a that's a that's a truth no sitting what were you an expert in this week also who do you know that's smarter than me name two friends uh ready you know what i can't well anthony anthony who savino the anthony savino that i know yes that's a damn lie yes okay and then who else i feel like you and adrian are on the same i don't really Yeah.

No, I don't think. You think you're smarter than Adrian? Yeah, I heard. I said that I'm the smartest. You know what, Sydney? We're going to talk about this off the record. Yes, this is off the record. We're going to talk about it off the record.

I'm done talking about it right now. I can't believe you. What was I expert in this week? More bike stuff. I've been biking more. I was biking by myself before I was biking with Adrian because, you know, I didn't know how to bike and I fell. But you mean you didn't know how to bike Like you just learned how to ride a bike

No but I haven't rode a bike In Like 10 years Yeah 12 years That's a long time not to be on a bike I know So anyway I rode the Williamsburg Bridge

I rode the Brooklyn Bridge I almost died 17 times Let's talk about those deaths Okay so first of all there's an incline on the williamsburg bridge that i didn't even know of i thought that you just go straight straight so soon as you hit like two minutes in you feel the incline and i'm on a cruising ass bike everybody's on these like racer ass bike people are like racing for them their lives and i'm the

only one like i mean the faster you get to the top of the hill the the faster you can coast down Okay yeah but you gotta get up That incline first and I'm like I mean listen I've been on that Bridge before I feel like you talk about An incline it's not like you going Up a steep ass hill Wait were you going up there walking

No I've been on the train Across the Williamsburg bridge See that's not the same It's not the same you've got to get on a bike And do it For anybody who's listening to this if you've ever been on a treadmill And you've been on like a three number a 0.3 incline i feel like that's what the bridge does mind you it was like 92 degrees well

that's that's that's what it was also because you you know out of shape no no i had rode to your house okay riding the bike one time doesn't make you in shape you getting into shape now i rode it a couple of times you know anyway it was the hottest day this week and i went to your house then i went to the brooklyn bridge after the bridge i was like yeah getting on the train can't do this can't get back to like i was already in the city so you were one of those assholes with a big ass bike on the trail and you probably had a seat for your bike people hated me they hated they hated my stupid basket like people were rolling their eyes left and right and then i was like i've already rode the bike let me bring the bike up the stairs so i'm halfway up the stairs

and i'm struggling and there's a guy behind me like do you want me to help you with that and i I was like, no, I got it. And I really didn't have it. I was struggling. So I got up there. You were trying to be a feminist? You weren't trying to let him just take the bike real quick? Well, why are you going to ask me when I'm already halfway there?

You should have said it. Well, because it looked like you wasn't going to make it the rest of the way. I was not. Yo, I almost knocked 12 of my dreads off. It was crazy. Girl. Sis. But then last night, I was on the Williamsburg Bridge.

And, you know, it's hard biking at night because these cars don't give a fuck about you. Oh, you're doing nighttime bikes? Oh, nighttime bikes. By yourself? Oh, I got a city bike. Fadola? Yo, you are. Yo, I was like, I'm ready to die.

Let's do this. Yeah, you are. You ready to die on a city bike? Oh. On a Williamsburg bridge, not even like an iconic Brooklyn bridge. So wait, I have to get, that's the best bridge to die on? I mean, in terms of when people think of New York, they don't even know what the hell the Williamsburg bridge is. Maybe they might know the Manhattan Bridge

But everybody knows what the Brooklyn Bridge is dude I feel like the Pulaski Bridge is a nice bridge Don't nobody know what bridge that is Literally nobody The whole bridge is like lit up or something like that Nobody even knows who governed it So last night I'm riding again

On the incline or whatever And I'm in a dress I look crazy Everyone is geared the fuck Everybody has a helmet on Yeah but you gotta weave so that's sturdy enough for your scalp I know, these locks have been in for like two months, so they're hard as hell. They're pretty much a helmet anyway.

Exactly, exactly. You just got to change the shape. Yeah. So anyway, I'm like pushing, I'm talking to myself, like I'm like, you can do this. Don't stop. Don't stop. And I get halfway there, and I kneel over to the side. I'm like, I got to take a break.

I can't. So I thought that I was going to be the only woman on the bridge, and it was nothing but women going. I was like oh Sydney it's 2017 we got rights now we can rent bikes we can cross bridges I was like y'all's is too cute to be on this bridge y'all ain't got no uber pool no uber x no lift no go no get

they just trying to get their thigh listen they're just trying to get their thigh gap together for 2017 that's all I love uh the like the women that were checking on me the men didn't give they were like you dumb you shouldn't be on here anyway but the women were like you okay do you need some snacks

Like the bitch pulled out her trail mix Like you good? Your sugar's low? That's because they've been where you've been before You know what I mean? You gotta start somewhere It was great I don't have it within my, you know, toned ass body To cross a bridge on a bike At night or in the daytime

But it felt good I was like, I'm gonna keep doing this bike thing for the whole summer By winter time, bitch Serena Williams Like my butt is already getting a little bit bigger I mean, I thought that was from all the food you were eating Can't I have something, Marie? that's from all the back shots what were you an expert in this week uh this week i was an expert

at never wearing the right thing like it just got super hot here it's officially i guess summer in new york city and you know sometimes you want to throw on a little booty short and then go to a show and then realize oh this is like a professional ass show and i'm the only one would half of my labia out so it was a lot of me like trying to like wrap things around my body so that people couldn't see the temple that is my body and um uh yesterday i put on a maxi dress that looked like a a long taliban t-shirt you know i'm talking about the throwback 19 the 2001 shirts that like nelly and them was wearing i had a dress on that looked like that yesterday and it was like a cool 72 degrees

and the temperature dropped at night and I thought I would have time to go home and get a jacket. Wasn't, didn't have no time. So I'm just, just nips out on the street just in this nightdress. I look like Ebenezer Scrooge. You know how like back in the day,

like white dudes that had money would wear like a nightgown and like a little hat? A muumuu? Wait, a nightgown and a hat? That sounds like a Klansman right there. Nah. But my dress was a snake print

I think one of the heads of the clansmen Had a snake print Yeah yeah yeah Clan leader, clan master general I don't know But yeah I was never properly dressed If I was walking really far distances I always had on like the flattest

Most uncomfortable shoes So I'm trying to do better next week Because when you look at the weather in New York and your phone will say 66 and then you step outside and it feels like 82 like or sometimes it'll be like 90 degrees but feels like 69 and you're like what am i supposed to dress like what it feels like or what it is well what you do is you have like you usually have you pack your bag for the day so you have like a little sweater in there a little jacket but i've been trying to carry smaller bags like a little like a cute a cute clutch a day clutch see listen i don't i

don't need any of that i don't subscribe to like purses i always have an overnight bag with me because you never know you might get kicked out of your house well yeah i might get burned down like that's why i stay prepared for anything well that's why panties in there you might get kicked out that's why adrian's the smartest person that you know she's like i need some time you need to go yo i got things i got stuff for like at least three days sydney has two toothbrushes in her back i got claws i got two i'm not even two toothbrushes i got two toothbrushes one for the home one for the club you listen let's get into this episode we i mean obviously we're the smartest people that you guys listen you know but our guest today is a really funny comedian he's done our

show several times and he's done well every time that he's done the warm-up uh he is our gentrification expert, so you know it's going to get real Bill Maher in here. We're going to say nigga at least 12 times. Let's just say it 12 times right now. Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga. Give it up

for our gentrification expert Khalid Rahman. Hey, what's up? I'm so happy to be here. This is great. Did I say your name properly? Is it Khalid or... Khalid Rahman. Khalid Rachman We're currently in his home

Because he is crippled My palatial estate He got a pre-war apartment The ceilings are How tall do you think these are? 13 feet? This is a 15, 13 foot situation I don't care about your ceilings right now

Let's talk about your feet My feet are fucked up I don't know what you're going through I have not applied any cocoa butter today Your feet Look like a great aunt That might possibly have diabetes Your leg might be getting cut off

Did you see Kevin Durant's feet? What? That picture, that's how my feet look They are chopped up It's bad You are the father to Kevin Durant's feet It's bad, it's really bad When was the last time you cut your toenails?

It's been definitely before my injury I can't even reach my toenails Let's talk about this injury, what happened to your leg? I was walking along, and I stepped in a pothole in the sidewalk, and I fell down, my knee hit the concrete, snapped my patella tendon. Wow. That's the big one in your knee. That's the big tendon.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you have an ACL, PCA, no, no, no. Listen. Your patella is like the center of your, it holds your kneecap in place. That's the same injury that Donnell Rollins has. Wow. He also snapped it, but he was playing basketball at a barbecue. Yeah.

You need to come up with a better story. I know. I'd be like, yeah, son, I was in the streets, and he was trying to hit my chain, and I was like, nah. And then you fell. a pothole. Now, you fell in a pothole because you probably were trying to holler at a white woman. That's possible.

I know how you do. We know your type. That is possible. I was just not paying attention, man. I went down. It was embarrassing because, you know, I'm an able-bodied person just walking around. I was able-bodied. Now I'm not in this big-ass brace. You were

walking down the street and tore the biggest tendon in your knee. That sounds like an old person injury. You know what it is? I probably already had some tears in there, so when my knee hit the concrete, Boom, it was it. What kind of sneakers did you have on, bro? I had on a pair of Jordans, actually. Were they on sale?

Were they real Jordans? They were a real deal. It was bad. You had Steph Curry's on. I had the Air Shuffle Boards on. No, the injury sounds real underarmor. I had the IHOP Mo's on. You had the New Balances on.

That's what it sounds like. I had the air retirement homes on. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, it was bad. So now it's like a long recovery. So wait, when you hit the ground, where were you? Were you in your neighborhood? Here's the thing.

It's good. I was in front of the museum. Oh, so somebody was like, aw. The museum is in charge of those sidewalks. So you best believe a lawsuit is currently proceeding. They were like, oh, a janitor is hurt right now. Yes. I was in front of the museum walking by the sidewalk by Washington.

So you was on your way to meet some white women. I was on my way to do some cat-sitting, actually. My dog-walking cat-sitting business, yeah. I see. Khalid, cat-sitting. My brother, what's going on? See, gentrification got niggas watching cats now? I was walking along with my almond milk.

Yo, Khalid, we gotta go. I had my yoga pants on. Yo, you cat-sit? Can we talk about that? I was headed to some cat-sitting, and then I was going to do some kombucha. It was bad. Wait, what does cat-sitting entail? Because cats don't need nobody.

They're strong Independent feelers You just gotta feed the cats Make sure they got water So they don't die So you don't stay At the apartment No you just go

You stop by Get food and water Scoop the litter box You bring some hose over I got it Bring some hose over Scoop the litter box And get out

And roll out Yeah No But yeah it's It's been About a month and a half How much they pay for that For cat sitting

Like 18 dollars Per visit Okay so you go Like two three times I mean I people go away For weeks at a time So I'm visiting every day Okay that's cool

Listen, my friend, who I will not name, has two cats. One's name's Jelly. One's name's Jam. And she is this person who, like, she and her girlfriend would be going to Detroit, and they'd be like, well, we should see if Marie can watch the cats. But never have they offered me $18 per visit. First of all, you got to diversify your bar. I don't want to say who that friend is, but, you know, she knows who she is.

Khalid, first of all, no one would ever ask Marie to watch anybody's animals. She don't barely watch her fish. Right? You know what I mean? Like, listen, Motown is thriving in that. Motown, that's a great fish name Thank you, his name is actually Motown Junior Her other junior

Uh oh I wonder how that happened I don't want her to watch my cats I'll come home, one of them is missing a missing a leg, the other knee is fucked up like you It's been a struggle, I'm not gonna lie It's been a struggle

So you are on crutches I'm on crutches, I can't go too long on the crutches because my leg is all stretched out So I'm just like pretty much at home most of the time So, wait, you are going to sue, though, right? Oh, I am currently. So, you're going to be here for a minute. I got a pit bull lawyer.

I'm going to be up, hopefully, I'll be up and about on my legs and back and doing stuff in August. August? August? That's a whole summer. I know. My whole summer is, because this is a major injury. Well, it wasn't like Khalid was going to be in the beach or anything.

He wasn't going to the Hamptons anyway. I got no money. No. I'm serious about that. Khalid. I was going to summer in East Williamsburg. That's where I summer. Khalid is somebody who looks like

he got a lot of others in his life and by others I mean non-black folks let's talk about your history with the beige variety what was the first time you met a white person that you liked

what's funny I have a weird history because I grew up in Crown Heights mostly but my dad works for the State Department so I also spent two years overseas in Morocco international school with French Montana with French Montana but I never see you with no Moroccan chicks ever yeah well I mean you gotta set me up with some Moroccan chicks I went to school over there my friends were from all different countries and then I went to I went

to private school here in Brooklyn in high school and uh and what do you call it uh in Park Slope so I had that's when I first met a lot of like white kids and I had I grew up in this neighborhood still was mostly black back then but that is changing we will get to that your resume is very cute i really appreciate your resume but like because you popped all around i feel like maybe you're more acceptable to white people because you got some culture some experience you got a passport it's also you know what also it is is like since i've dealt with white people my whole life i'm not like intimidated by them at all i'm not i don't mystify them i don't think Oh, I'm not intimidated by them either.

But I'm saying there's people, though, who you meet who are, like, uncomfortable around anyone who's different. Well, that's because we know that they'd be ready to kill us and steal our stuff. They're the biggest thugs in the world. Well, there's this thing where you have people who are just comfortable with everybody. And I've just been around everybody my whole life. And Morocco was really important, actually, because, like, my friends were from Malaysia. Freaking, my best friends were from Malaysia, San Diego.

France, and Nigeria. That's my crew. San Diego. San Diego. That's my crew of people, little kids. I feel like when I think of Morocco, I think of everybody wearing white linen outfits. But we were all military and diplomat kids at the school. So we had friends who were Moroccan as well, but all our friends at the school were military

brat kids who moved around all the time. Okay. So you were just doing your thing. Yeah. You were privileged. Yeah, at the time I was. You weren't even a regular ass. But here's the thing.

I had two lives because over there I was privileged because Morocco, everything's dirty. We had a maid and a gardener But back in Brooklyn My mom was just middle class Teachers that had been 30 years You said middle class, like middle class ain't shit I'm saying like middle class We don't have no maid, no butler, we don't got no gardener

Most people in this country don't have that Yeah, we got no maid and no gardener You know what I mean But I grew up also in Crown Heights It was hood Yeah, Crown Heights was hood So I had two lives basically at the same time It's funny that you were saying

that you you don't mystify white people i grew up in oakland california and i didn't have any white friends until i moved to new york city i only had black and cambodian friends cambodian like i have cambodian girl that's not even the song you change my world i haven't met any cambodians here but i that's all i knew in california when i moved to new york i was like oh this is white people like i was never scared of them but i also was like why do you look like that you've never you've never met a cambodian cambodian in new york no like i met a girl with cambodian virgin hair once you're like me it was a cambodian weave very silky yeah but they were from it was from the bronx so it was definitely not from cambodia no i'm not talking about you

i'm talking about somebody who's real cambodian oh it was a black girl and it was a you know she pay $800 for the week. Anyway, so I mean, I grew up in the suburbs and I had like a mixed bag of white and black and I watched television and I had hood kids on Section 8 who lived across the street from me. So I feel like I had like a good

mix. My friends in high school were kids who like across the street from me whose family on welfare, affordable housing, everything. And then kids at my, what do you call it, private school in Brooklyn, I mean in Park Slope, they were like, had summer homes. and were like

flying off to France and shit so it was like a whole like I had both experiences it was weird it was like a yeah but

in those experiences who had a cooler mom the Section 8 mom or the exactly the Section 8 mom has got you really

she let them drink juice the white kids I was friends with in high school they had rooms you couldn't go into in their house like this crazy

what was in there like they like slave memorabilia yeah Marie what And all the Aunt Jemima figurines It's all the Sambo playing cards

For some reason I felt like The Jewish moms were the best moms Like when I was in middle Well you definitely made sure you ate You gotta eat all the time They were always feeding me My mother had brought me like one of those bootleg Puffer jackets

For the winter but she smoked So there was like cigarette Holes in it and everything She took her ass out It wasn't even a North. It was a bear. Remember bear? Barely. Oh, shut up. And my friend's mom bought me a new jacket and I was like, Oh my God, I can't believe she bought me. And it was like a $300 jacket. I brought it home and my mother was like,

if you don't take that damn jacket off and bring it right back, you are embarrassing. I was like, no, the jacket that I have is embarrassing. She would not take this woman's jacket. My mom, no one's ever bought me any, None of my friends' moms were ever that cool or that nice to me. They were going to take you in different strokes.

Right? I'm trying to different strokes this girl. The blind side. She was a Sandra Bullock. Different strokes cute. No, my mom didn't even like when I borrowed

my friend's stuff. I'd be like, oh, I borrowed Valerie's shoes and my mom would be like, you got shoes here, take those off. My mom too. Ramona wasn't playing that shit.

She was just like, we have our own things. you yes you're in a night school but don't you're not gonna have people thinking we're poor yeah and she wouldn't even let me spend the night and then eventually we went to fire island because my friend owned her family had a house there and we were on a boat and we're doing i was like why can't i have this and then somebody leaned in and was like because you're poor pretty much because you're quite poor oh man can we talk about how so you've been in crown heights except for those those years that you were in morocco you've been here that that and like four

years in college in boston okay and i lived i lived there two years after school so i've spent maybe like eight of my years total of my life outside of brooklyn so i've been here most of the yeah most so when you first so what's the the biggest difference that you see in brooklyn then versus now because i mean i see i saw a smoke shop and i walked by i mean aside from just like white people getting off at stops that you never would imagine they'd ever get off of on the subway, then, I mean, just like the things that are opening up are so crazy. Like, you guys know

I have to show Electric Laughs every month. Cindy's on the show. You're going to do the show when I come back in the fall. And that place is a co-working space. Yeah. It's a WeWork, right? It's kind of a similar thing, yeah. But it costs $400

a month to work there. So, like, there's things that are specifically not for us. Where? What neighborhood is that in? It's right down the street here in crown heights it's all right well because when a couple years ago i heard this white lady uh she was talking about her new apartment and so i'm nosy so i leaned in and i was like where you live and she was like bedford stuyvesant i was like you live in bed style she's this little tiny petite like like oblivious to she's one of these like i don't see color and

like rolled up yoga mat white women and she was like she lives in bed like the heart of bed style and you know 15 years ago 20 years ago like they wouldn't even say yeah my mom my mom was she my mom moved to north carolina she retired and moved down to north carolina five years ago yeah i tell her about what's going on she does not believe me she literally she's like there's no starbucks on eastern parkway oh my god that was a crack house that was literally a crack house i was not allowed to go past bedford i was so now it's a crack house for white people no but that's the thing like white people will turn a crack house into a coffee shop.

That's what they do. Or they'll turn a crack house into an open mic. Or they'll start doing comedy in the crack house. Or they'll turn a crack house into a boutique shop called the crack house. Yes. That is true. Very ironical.

Exactly. There's white people going to Canarsie now. Canarsie. Listen, I'm not even thinking about black ass at Canarsie. I would never. A crazy turning point for me was seeing people in brownsville because i always associated brownsville with like jess the roughest of the rough like i still do i didn't go to brownsville i was a kid i still don't go to brownsville i'm like these white folks are moving into brownsville like it is no thing that's like the new hot i think that's the thing you need to repeat that again

mike tyson is from mike tyson used to knock old ladies over the head and take their purse in brownsville there are white people in that neighborhood now like they live yeah listen They're in East New York Which is like Really East Like that's like Hoot hoot hoot

Who's from East New York Rockham Oh yeah It's like people like East New York East New York is like Almost gone

There's no such thing They're putting up High rises Yeah what is East New York Dusty ass high rises They're like These used to be the projects And now they're

The project pavilion Now you can live here For just $10,000 a month For this studio apartment It's crazy i wanted to ask you i feel like even though you're you you know you date white women you you're friends with them how does it feel to like see the gentrification like happen literally

every day i mean it's it's it's baffling is it i mean more because you'll be bringing them in here you'll be they'll be bringing you'll be bringing them you'll be introducing them to the neighborhood i've bought a few in i haven't moved any in yet i haven't gentrified my own shit yet yes you did i haven't moved any in yet i haven't moved in with anybody it's i mean you gotta think about i'm used to it it's been years now it's been like 15 years of this now so like this is not a new phenomenon so i'm not like no kalid but you gotta think about your responsibility here you introduce you bring them you invite them to your house and then they get off the train and they're like oh i always thought crown heights was dangerous this is super cute then when their

friends are looking for an apartment they'd be like back hey that's exactly right you've been You've been doing that for 15 years, Khalid. Let's open it out. Let's open it out. The case is a joint. I fucked up my neighborhood because I lived in Harlem and I was on 127th and Madison and a nice brownstone. That was like 10 years ago.

When you had a brownstone and people are like, you live in a brownstone? Now everybody live in a brownstone. But I, my roommate was white. She moved in. I left. She's there. Then another friend of mine lives upstairs. So now the whole building is white.

It's two people that's white. The whole building is white now. Wow. And so now there's a freaking Whole Foods on 125th Street. They took, what was that? Are they calling that SoHa? Is that South Park SoHa? It's freaking SoHa.

That is crazy. They're shutting down the C-Towns and the key foods. They're shutting down the C-Towns for Whole Foods? Yes, girl. Where are people going to get their guava from? Their papayas from? Where are they going to get their Goya? There's no Goya sections in Whole Foods.

Let me get the coconut water with the coconut bits in it. It's got eight pounds of sugar. Where are they going to get their floating sugar coconut water? that's crazy yeah i mean literally there's like the gap there's everything on 125th street that i didn't even think well they're crazy to see there's like there's like little changes that people don't notice though like i was writing about this like one thing i've noticed that police officers smile at residents that's something i've never seen before like just walking down the street i just saw cops just smiling at people i don't think i've ever seen

cops smile yeah i've never seen cops smiling at residents mostly white residents are smiling at But they are smiling at people who live in the neighborhood. And that's something I'm just never accustomed to. You just mean mug cops. They mean mug you. That's how it is. You mean mug them and then they... But it's changing, man.

They smile. Listen, I... They smile. Smiling police officers. I've never seen a cop smile, but I did see, hear a cop laugh at me once. I was going down the street, and like you, I tripped on a pothole or a large crack on the sidewalk, and I wasn't trying to break my mother's back. So I tripped, and then I heard somebody go, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha, and I looked, and there was

a cop across the street laughing at me. and i was like you better protect and serve and he was like you better watch that curb that was the whole interaction i didn't know they smiled though so you've been in this neighborhood that long things have been changing how has your building changed yeah let's talk about that it's weird so so you'll see notes you see notes in the hallway note passive aggressive notes that's the thing that i've never seen before there's one lady posted like if you must smoke in the common area, you know,

use an ashtray, like just like stuff that you wouldn't see in the past. What is a common area? Like in the hallways. In the hallways. Oh, I'm like in the lobby?

I was like, what? Yeah. But then also like, it's funny, my building is still pretty much mostly black. There's some white people moving in.

But the white people are definitely, from the most part, solely adjusting. Like the music is definitely louder than folks who are moving in

are accustomed to. So you get something like balanced with that. But I think people just kind of realize like this building's gonna be how it's gonna be and i'm just gonna fit into it or not it's new york city though the fact that people move to new york city and they want peace and quiet you're dumb you're dumb there's there's there's the train there's the ambulance there's the the police

there's the the hood there is there's no way you can get peace and quiet unless the spanish people listening to their bachata there's the black people listening to their whatever reggae song they have on repeat in my building it's changing so fast that i heard somebody blasting ed sheeran wow hours the same song over and over again i'm in love with a black lady come to the door turn that goddamn ed sheeran down oh you know ed how you feel about the new album just like like on repeat super i didn't see something amazing last summer though there's a new white girl moving upstairs and was just downstairs in the stairwell smoking weed with the hood dudes it was great i was like this is people coming together just because i was i assumed that people

who are moving in will complain about the hoodishness of the building. People playing. All went along. Downstairs, we got people in the lobby playing suit and dice, playing dominoes. Oh, yeah. This building is like lean on me. Yeah, man. Yes. It is a lean on me-ish building.

We got Mr. Clark in here. We're in a dead-end street, so all summer, people barbecue on the sidewalk across the street. They're barbecuing on the sidewalk, but you know they're shutting down block parties. There used to be 10 years ago, there used to be block parties in Brooklyn and Harlem.

They're shutting it down, and it's so sad because block parties actually bring the block together. Yeah, I'm not really going to eat your mac and cheese from two doors down, but at least it's out there. At least you made enough tray for everybody. At least we know you tried.

The potato salad looks disgusting, but we see that you tried. It's also a thing where you judge people who come into a neighborhood by how they come into a neighborhood. I saw it on Mike Cannon. You guys know Mike Cannon about this. another comic mike mook you know the comic he moved into my old block no string and prospect place and like he was one of like the first like white people to live there and he's like you know i knew i was coming to this thing that people view me as like this invader so he made a point

of only like supporting black owned businesses he like made a point of like only like going to places where like he was going to be viewed as someone who was like contributing something and not just someone who just like because you know just white people move into a neighborhood and they only go to like the new white places yeah and that is like not that's not not viewed in a positive way but it's also a double-edged sword with it because sometimes when white people are too into like the black-owned businesses and they only have black friends it's like are you making us trendy because you weren't doing that before like are you you're going out of your way i like when people are just natural about it like you don't have to but just be conscious of

what you're doing oh yeah absolutely it's crazy though because you have to kind of be intentional in some way about these things because yeah if you just if a person's a lot of times a person's natural instinct is just to go with people who are just like them and that's how you end up with a neighborhood yeah but if you move into a neighborhood it becomes an all-white situation yes but williamsburg didn't start out like that and williamsburg to me like because i've seen it change so fast williamsburg for those of you who are listening who've never been to new york is more expensive than parts of Manhattan now.

No, it used to be where poor artists who couldn't afford to live in the city lived. You'd live in an old warehouse that is now like a whatever. Now they're all high-rises. Every time I go to Williamsburg, it's completely different than the last time I was there.

There's an Apple store in Williamsburg now. They're opening another one. It's going to be two Apple stores? That's insane to me. All the bars that were there 10 years ago, like there was a place called Savalas that I would go there. They're all gone.

My old mic I'd always go to was Spike Hill, right next to the Bedford Station. And I was like, it's gone. Well, see, that's what they do. And people listening to this are like, why are you guys complaining about white people? We bring Apple stores to your neighborhood. This is why we're complaining.

Because y'all move in, and then your friends move in, and then they raise everybody's rent who's already been there for years. But then they raise the rent of the businesses that have been there, so no one can afford to be there except y'all. Well, then the whole cultural identity of the place has changed. Exactly. The crazy thing is that they moved

there in the first place because it was cheap. Now, it's not cheap anymore, so you're actually doing a disservice to what you actually wanted to do. It's also one of those things where, to the point now, we're several generations into gentrification, so you have a lot of white people who are mad about it. They're like, I was here, and now I'm priced

out, too. I was here when Juvenile dropped that ass up. I've been here for Since the 99 and the 2000s I would say this coffee shop was a yoga studio So that's how it, you know Now it's a mayonnaise store Oh my god, the mayonnaise store

It's sad for me because of the playgrounds I'm more upset about the outside activities So now you You still go to playgrounds? I'm talking about for the kids Ain't nobody in here got no damn kids Growing up in Harlem, like being in the playground Being in the school floors

Just being on the bench, being on porches being on stoops that was new york and now you can't do you can't it's called loitering no it's not loitering yeah there was no loitering there was no loitering there was no such thing communicating with people his cat calling was communicating back yo this is like like brooklyn is a spike lee movie yeah yeah again well spike had his whole thing with his dad his dad had like a big like decades-long battle with their new neighbors who were mad about the music for green And they had a whole house, a whole brownstone where people just played music all day, musicians. And then these new people moved in.

They were like, nah, this music got to go down. We got kids. Well, see, that's what my problem is, is you move into my neighborhood where we've been doing, we've been playing music loud. Every day that we clean, we play music loud. Every time that we're happy, we play music loud. Every time somebody breaks up with us, we play music loud. If somebody gives you some good dick, you play music loud.

And then a white person moves in with a child in one of them double-wired strollers, and then they're like excuse me i have a i have a baby you need to turn it down it's like no i've been playing music since before the baby like before you met your man i've been playing this music and you complaining about noise complaints and the problem is is that when gentrification happens people call the cops more when before people would never call the cops they're like we don't handle it the way we don't handle it and i'm gonna go up there i'm gonna smack this i'm at the ceiling with a broom you know what i mean and like they don't understand that some of us don't have the same relationship with

police as you do. Like, you think that, you think that they're protecting you. Yeah, they're protecting you. They're not protecting everybody. Let me tell you what happened. So, I have a white roommate. She's a Craigslist find. That's just what it is. So, one day, she had, like, a

Tinder boo come into the house and she, I have a downstairs neighbor who's, like, real loud. He, like, this angry, crazy, lesbian, this Spanish dude, and he was down there yelling at his girlfriend or his baby mother or whatever oh boy i couldn't hear him yelling my roommate is like he's so loud do you hear that i go into her room and she has her ear like on a cup

on the floor and i'm like if that's why you can hear it so clear because you listening and she was like she's like i'm gonna call the cops and i was like oh girl she was like should we call the cops i said we ain't calling nobody yeah i said if you're gonna call him make sure you don't say what apartment you call him from she calls the cops right and then i hear her say apartment 3a and i was like yo you couldn't say any other letter or any other number of all the letters and all the numbers in the world you put the actual ones that are on my door on the phone so then she calls the cops and her company comes over some you know basic ass white man he had all sandals he was raining outside whatever and uh we look out the window and like swarms of cops

are running into the building and i'm like they all this for you just go and they were actually running upstairs to the people above us somebody was trying to kill themselves or something i don't know whatever but we were you know we live in a building where people are really nosy so we were all in the doorway like looking and listening and the man downstairs came up and he was like oh yeah i just called the cops on me too didn't you and he's like yelling at us and i'm looking at him like dude i've never dialed 9-1-1 in my life i don't even know the number to 9-1-1 like i would never but now he got a problem with me because he thinks I did it and she's

like she comes out and she's like well what happened I don't know why are they yelling she's like super oblivious to what she did and now he got a problem with me it's the person that's the that is the most that is one of the most dangerous kinds of white people who doesn't realize

that like the police escalate things in a different way with black people so like calling the cops should be like the last resort like I've I mean most of I think most of the black people I know are like this. I've never called police for any reason. Ever. Which is crazy.

Ever. I grew up in a bad neighborhood. It just never occurred to me to do that. Called the cops once. One time. On who? On a family member. Oh.

On a family member. Damn. You stitched on an arm? No, she threw a tray table at me. I said, yeah, we're not going to do this. It almost hit me in my eye. And I was like, yeah, you got to go. Well, what's the back story here?

What did you do to get a tray table thrown at you? You know what? See, you're not as, you should be more supportive and be like, no, what happened? I didn't do anything. That's the question that I just asked. What did you do? I didn't do anything. A relative was dying.

You know, when somebody dies, people start arguing over stuff like, well, that's, I want that brooch. Like crazy stuff. Sure. No, we were just going back and forth and then it just escalated and we, she started arguing and then she threw a tray table at me. I said, yeah, you're going to go. We got, you got to get out.

Like. So how many people were in the house? It was about seven. first of all, it's like a one-bedroom apartment. It shouldn't have been eight people there. It was eight people sleeping there, staying. It was messy. Y'all sound real Dominican. Yeah.

Y'all sound real Salvador. It felt like bitty, bitty bummer. It was really terrible, and she threw a tray table at me, and I had to call the cops. But then when the cops came, they were like, so do you want us to take her? And I was like, no. I couldn't. What? Girl.

What? I mean, you could, listen, you could have kept that story to yourself. You didn't need to share that with me Khalid, what's the craziest thing that you saw in your neighborhood growing up? Like what's the craziest the most Nino Brown-ish moment

of your standard like open air drug dealing just like in the middle of the day type stuff seeing the cops handcuff somebody and beat them up and then let them go give them a choice of like well I can either like give you a beating

Or like arrest you And they're like Beat my ass What? Yeah at the park Sydney would you If you were given the choice Beat me up or arrest me

What would you I was still wilding back then I mean it's still terrible It's still terrible But it was you know Do I really want to go to jail? No But you want to get your

I don't want my I was like yo Fuck me up from the knees down Like My feet look terrible anyway Just stomp them out It's okay Just don't touch my face.

Just punch me in the butt. Or my boobs. My boobs, my face, I need that. But you could just, everything else, fuck that up. Okay, so now Khalid, what's the craziest thing that you've seen in your neighborhood recently? I mean, I saw a dude on a tall bike. I don't know if you guys see those. On a unicycle?

They are bikes that are like, no, they're bikes, two bikes on top of each other. And you have to basically roll up next to a light pole to stop because you're so high off the ground. Wait, how did you do that? Like a circus act? Like a bike on stilts? Yeah, a tall bike. This bike is like double the height of a regular bike. It's two bike frames welded together. You should have thrown a rock between the spools.

I saw a white guy on a big unicycle and he had a fitted on. He had a Yankee fitted on. I said, blasphemy. That is not a Yankee hat. Don't go with a unicycle. He was probably listening to Migos too. It was terrible. And you know he had cornrows.

It was awful. And I saw a dude with a cape. The dude with the cape Was he walking? He was walking down Bedford Avenue He was a white dude with a cape He wasn't even on like a hoverboard or nothing Like Harry Potter just walking down the street Yeah

That is crazy That's like within the normal realm these days Now Khalid you're upset about the gentrification But what about the gentrification that's going on in your pants? Like you date a lot I see you I peep you I see you on these dates with these white ladies

I walked into this West Indian spot, this little jerk chicken in Plantains, and I bumped into Khalid with a white woman with a blonde bang. With a black child? I was like, what in the world? And he was like, hey Marie. Yeah, so what was that? I thought you were on a date with a woman as well.

I was not on a date. That's my benefactor I do not claim him No no He went on a date This is a white man Who feeds me So we go to

Different restaurants So that he can Buy me food Oh man And I was sitting there And I was like I know he think I'm on a date too

But I was like I can't believe He's on a date With a white woman in here Khalid I'm open To dating Any lady who will have me

Yeah but what's the last Black woman The last time I went On a date with a black woman Was probably Last year actually Yeah that's a damn lie Come on

Look into my eyes Sidney cut his feet open How black like black like me Or like black like Zoe Kravitz Like what kind of black I mean she was all the way black But she was definitely blacker like Zoe Kravitz Oh gosh

She eats kale on the rake She has kale chips in her bag She had dried mango She had all the tote bags She had Tory Burch sandals on Yo she came to pick you up On a tall ass bike

This is a game with all bikes. You said you're open to it, but, like, come on, dude. I don't see no variety in your women. It'd be the same type of girl. It'd be the same veggie stick chicks. I didn't know you was keeping track. She just seemed to get a spreadsheet. She's like...

No, listen. Cynthia and I are always watching. I will walk into a place, and I'll be like, is that motherfucking Khalid? You'll be in the corner that'll have no lights on. Like, it'll be dark. It'll be the darkest part of the bar. And I'm like, is that Khaleel?

Well, it's funny. The girl I bought when I performed in your show the first time was Egyptian. She looked real Elizabeth Taylor. You were like, is that Khaleel Egyptian? She had purple eyes. She was like, call me Khaleel Patrick. Y'all don't know Egypt. Egypt's in Africa.

Yeah. So where do you find these women besides being in your neighborhood? I'll be finding them online Where everybody else finds them I'll find people online Let people know that he's crippled as fuck But he's getting his He got shorties slotted in here regularly

With that broken knee He's putting a broken leg to the side And he's like you're going to get this work Guess what? Handy capable Your man is handy capable He got two white women sliding his knee to the side Just because I can't leave this apartment Doesn't mean I can't have shorties

Yo Khalid You perpetuate Like the cycle Is so real You your leg broken You got the white You breaking They backs

They stand That's why They stand In this neighborhood Cause you break They backs They can't go that far And you know what Khalid said

He's like well A black woman Wouldn't want a handicapped nigga So that's what it is He's like I'm trying to get This white woman Fucking taken

I'm trying to get This white woman Hopefully they will Teach me how to swim And then I will Leave them And get a black woman I'll teach her how to swim

And then everybody's gonna be swimming Let me tell you something Amina Amani, who was our frugal expert A couple episodes ago She went to Howard University On a full swim scholarship So she's a black woman She's a black queen

Who can teach you how to swim Amina's not trying to put up with my ass Probably not anymore But she's somebody who can help you learn how to swim Khalid, I want to challenge you And I want your next tender date to be a black woman. I really do.

I want you to go on Soul Swipe. I want you to do that. This is a new challenge. Yeah. I want you to go out. You know what the funny thing is, though? Like, I'm one of those people, like, I just,

if I'm on Tinder, I'm just swiping on good-looking people. Right? So, now, let's talk about your shit. The number of connections I get, the number of connections I get with black women is not as many. Because we're not on there.

Hold on, hold on. What's your photo look like? What's your photo look like? My photo with Shane was... Let me see. My photo with me with, in the dog, The dog that we have here

Is our dog Is like the main star Of the photo It's just this You know white women Like dogs You know what trap You baiting

Listen Put a fitted on And get on a tall bike You gon' get You gon' get everybody You gon' get Asians You gon' get Dominicans You gon' get somebody

Peruvian You gon' get everybody So wait When's the last time You were on a date With an Asian woman Did you date them Oh man

I don't think that's I don't recall I don't recall I don't recall. Wow, you Jeff Sessions us right now? I don't recall. I do not recall. Now, you say you open to everybody, but it don't sound like you're real exclusive.

I mean, I'm trying. No, you're not. You are not trying, Khalid. Tell me what it is. You got to open it up. You're doing what you're doing, and you're thriving right now. When's the last time you've been on a date with a Vietnamese woman? I mean, you're trying to make me the United Nations woman.

I mean, your dad works for the State Department. You had a friend from San Diego Come on now I had a friend from Malaysia I rode in a bulletproof limousine My friend from Malaysia when I was nine That was the highlight of my life Now you only dated bulletproof white women

What is that? He's trying to stay alive He's like if I date this Tiffany with three eyes Then when our baby comes out Taye Diggs color Then I know that the cops won't shoot me So Khalid What advice do you have for people

who are maybe being edged out of their neighborhood because of gentrification. I mean, my rent was going to go up at my old place. And eventually, it didn't just go up. They sold our whole, our landlord sold our apartment so we didn't move. I started getting desperate and looking at crazy situations. I was like, can I live in a fancy fixed-up van?

Can I live on a barge? I was looking at crazy, crazy things. But I think the main thing is just, like, know your rights in terms of your – tenants' rights are very strong in New York City. And it's also very hard to evict someone because my stepfather used to own buildings. It's quite a hard time evicting people. Like, if you were in a place, it's hard to get you out. So know your rights. And also just, man, I guess pray.

You're going to need prayer because this gentrification is – It's not going nowhere. But it's also – it's all over the country, though. Like, places like Austin or, like, the new Williamsburg and, like, all over the country. But also, like, also make sure to be involved in your buildings, like, your board. There's a lot of, like, tenants. Oh, I don't even know if my building got a board. There's a lot of tenants.

No, there's a lot of tenants groups that get together. Like, down the street, they were going to raise the rent a crazy amount at this complex over on Prospect. And they fought it and won. They got their rent to stay the same for the last two years in a row because they just organized and got together. And they had the media involved, too. Is black people in that building or white people in that building? Yeah, it's a mixed building. So the white people helped the black folks mobilize.

The black people were just angry and leaving their trash in front of the door. So I would definitely say organize and fight it. Because some people just assume it's going to happen no matter what and they just give in. But if you fight it, you can definitely have a chance to win. Well, most of the time it's not. Wow. Sidney, do you believe that? You believe in fighting with the board? I've seen it happen. I've seen people fight

these races and have it work out for them. Well, I feel like even all the neighborhoods in Brooklyn are changing so much. When I go to Bushwick and I see people complaining about so i was at a bar for a show last week and we're all outside being loud and black that's what we do it was i don't know maybe midnight 12 30 something like that well what day was it i don't

know like a wednesday wednesday and this white woman we turn around and she just appears and we're like just she was standing so close to us and she was like there are two women trying to sleep across the street can you please keep it down and we're like you y'all live across from a bar in Bushwick. Bushwick, there used to be nothing but like loud Spanish folks and louder black folks. And somebody got shot down the street from where this girl was talking

two days before we were there. Somebody got shot. And it's like, did you go up to the person shooting and be like, excuse me, we're trying to sleep. Can you keep the bullets down? Not even. Can you please use your silencer? Good sir. Good day.

Like, that's crazy. All these neighborhoods have changed so freaking much i am baffled but then they changed the names of the neighborhood too like they're like this is not they tend to do that in this neighborhood i went outside there's i heard uh someone talking about pro crow prospect crown heights pro crow i'm so happy with the pro oh hell no well you know like so bedside is a huge neighborhood crown heights huge neighborhood flatbush probably one of the biggest neighborhoods in brooklyn and they cut that up it's like Like Prospect Lefferts Gardens and Prospect Park South.

And it's like, dude, you're living in Flatbush. It's all just realtors trying to get a little extra money. I'm not saying you live in this new fancy neighborhood. It's not the same as it was before. And it's like, it is. You just got a new pizza shop. You got a new vape shop. You got a hookah bar.

It's the same. The vape shop is the fourth horseman of the gentrification apocalypse. That is wild. All right. Well, I think, Cindy, do you have any questions for him? I do. Okay. Well, we're going to give you a quick quiz to see if you really are our gentrification

expert. Are you ready for this? Oh, I'm so ready. Okay, Sidney, go ahead. Okay, so the price of a bodega tomato was originally 20 cents. Because of gentrification, how much is it now? Oh, it's about $3.

$3. You gotta give up $3. You gotta unfold your money. You gotta unfold some money to buy a tomato today. You gotta dig in the bottom of that bag for that change. That's so real. And it's a full $3.

It's not like $2 in 99 cents. No, it's a $3. It's a tiny tomato. It's smaller. It's a cherry tomato. It's a cherry tomato. It's so rude. That is so crazy.

Okay, so here's my question to you. 20 years ago, you live on the second floor. You lock yourself out of your apartment. How do you get into your apartment? 20 years ago. I'm probably climbing through somebody's window. now 2017 you live on the second floor you who you don't have your key on you how do you get into your apartment i mean i'm accepting that i'm not getting in

and i'm also gonna say a say a silent prayer to allah that's it i'm getting in i hope allah answers my prayers i hope so too because they're gonna go like there's a black man out here loitering uh he wearing these fake glasses my prayer rug and let's hope for the best. I'm done my prayer rug. I'm done. Cindy, do you have another question?

Yes. So, someone robs you in your neighborhood 20 years ago. You don't call the cops. No, I'm calling Rodney. Your people?

Hard-hitting Negro across the street. Shout out to Rodney. Rodney! Literally, you get robbed last night. do you do? Last night?

Oh, no, man. I'm probably just going to go home and just cry it off. I'm not going to tell nobody. I'm just going to cry silently in my room. You're not going to tweet about it? Maybe start taking some Tybo. You're not going to go live on the ground? But they robbed you for

your laptop? They took your passport? Oh, then I'm going to go on Twitter and put a passive-aggressive joke about it. They took your phone, too, nigga. You can't even call nobody. Your contacts are gone Get my carrier pigeons together Oh my god

That's it That's all that happened Do you have another question for him? No that's it I feel like you just proved yourself To be the gentrification expert dude Man I feel so accomplished right now

I feel like you Handy capable offender Oh my god You and your broken knee And your ashy feet I can't Oh so ashy So Khalid

We know you won't be doing comedy In Tola The end of August So you don't have anything coming up But please plug your Instagram, your Twitter. Yes. Let people know where they can catch your writing. At KhalidNYC on Twitter.

I'm at Khalid Says on Instagram. I started writing for a website called thethings.com recently. The things. I just wrote an article for classicblackdude.com. Classicblackdude.com? Yeah. Clark Jones Project. It's a really, really good site.

Shout out to Clark Jones. Actually. Clark Jones. Who? Clark Jones. I wrote a top five about gentrification. So you can catch that right now on ClassicBlackDude.com. Beautiful.

Can you spell your name for us? Because I feel like some of our listeners are of the beige variety. They don't know what a Khalid is. K-H-A-L-I-D. Beautiful. And it's Khalid Says on Instagram, Khalid Says on Twitter. I mean, KhalidNYC on Twitter. That's beautiful.

And you can catch me on Instagram, JustSidBW. And then on Twitter, it's JustSidNYC. You know, catch us on the unofficial expert on Instagram as well. Yeah, make sure you tweet me. It's MsReezy, M-S-R-E-E-E-Z-Y. If you have a crazy interaction that you were a part of because of gentrification, you've got to tweet us. And then you can catch me on the radio every Thursday from 7 to 8 p.m.

on 99.5 FM or WBAI.org. Anyway, this is what we do. Make sure you subscribe. Make sure you see a white person. You steal their phone and just subscribe to the podcast and then give them their phone back. that's all that we ask for you to do

and if you are in an Uber pool with Sydney do something crazy so she can write about it because that is my favorite thing

on the internet oh my god thanks Khalid Khalid you are a rock star give us one more one more word one more

fact about gentrification before we go oh man if you could think of anything through those loud ass plates

that LeClerc our tall expert is stacking in the background you go to your bodega and they have the New Yorker, it's over. That's it.

Bye, guys.