MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - “The Getting Dumped Expert” with Jenny Gorelick

Episode Date: May 24, 2019

Its not you, its me. Just kidding, its our Getting Dumped Expert, Jenny Gorelick! Jenny reveals the time she dated a magician, getting broken up with over email and how she would break up with a future partner. Also, Marie looks inward about being mean and Sydnee reveals whose Netflix special she was watching when she fell asleep at work.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ah, yes. Hello. Hi. Ah. I'm feeling good. Are you? Yeah. I mean, we spent like an hour and a half together.

We did. We recorded Patreon. Please go to our Patreon and listen to our messier, messier episodes. Yeah. I mean, I don't think we said anything messy today. No, we didn't. We are classy, cunty ladies. We are.

Classy cunts. Classy cunts. Can we do that as merch? On jackets. Classy cunts. I like that. In cursive on the back of like a Letterman jacket. Like a varsity jacket.

We can't do Times Normal. Times New Roman? Yeah, New Roman. Let's get it in wingdings. Let's put it in wingdings. Yes. Well, what did we do? Last night we had movie night and that was cute.

Yes, we did. We watched probably the best, worst movie I've ever seen in my life. It's obviously the worst. It was a two-hour movie. I have no idea what the movie was about. It was called Superfly. And there was nothing super or fly about it. No.

Except for maybe that wig. Was it a lace front? Did we figure out? It might be his hair. But we watched it. Marie, my girlfriend, and some other people were smoking weed. And we laughed for two hours. Two hours.

We were roasting everybody in the movie. the movie was so bad yeah but we were being typical black people in a movie theater just yelling at the screen screaming well you know they can't read right just screaming wow he's got to wear white every day there was like a

there was a whole team of people in the movie that only wore white yeah they're a gang their guns were spray painted white their cars were white one dude had on cream in one scene and we were like oh wow that's not white wardrobe fails and then there was this really bad threesome sex scene like a full-on sex scene like butt naked

in and he had a bad body yes and by a bad body i mean it was like he wasn't buff enough for me he didn't have any back muscles he had no bicep it was like a straight toothpick arm and his he had like a perm in the movie and in it was a shower scene that the sex happened in and his hair got wet and we were screaming for a shower cap because then his hair got wet and then the next scene is him with his hair straight again. I was like, so

you're not going to show us him getting his hair blown out, pressed, nothing? A tiny hot comb? Nobody. Yeah. We didn't get to see the real scenes that we went to. It was a crazy sex scene too because they like, at one point, he's laying on the floor of the shower and the two women

are on top of him and it was like, you know his back is now covered in pubes. yes yes because it was his shower it was gross i don't trust a man to clean their bathroom enough to be laying on my back in the shower marie have you had shower sex yes but i did not lay down friend also shower sex is like not convenient for anybody right it's slippery marie what did you do your hair um maybe the shower maybe the maybe the the thing was like tilted straight down is it shower sex if none of us are getting wet Marie was this recent no

look how uncomfortable I'm sorry. Well, I haven't had shower sex in such a long time. It's too messy. And my bathroom is not big enough for all that. What are you talking about? Our bathroom, our tub, it's not big enough. And the water, when it's on one person,

the other person is all the way cold. And I hate that. We both have to be in the shower. So do y'all have shower sex when it's wash day for the hair? No, we got to be in the tub. It's got to be a bath. Okay, so bath sex. Okay, see, that's different sex.

Yeah, we gotta have bath sex. Bath sex? Yes. Just like... And you gotta have bath sex right when the water hits the tub, and it hasn't been... It's not still yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You drop the bath bomb, and then you drop the cooch bomb?

Yes. Nice. Pussy bomb. Bong bong. Yes, that's the exact... How does that work with lesbians? What do you mean? Bath sex.

How does that work? What do you mean? Like, what are y'all doing? fucking having sex but how well there's a strap on in the bathtub yes you can do whatever you want in the bathtub it's your bathtub wow wow there's groundbreaking you use you can use your whole arm wow as a dick did you know that whole arm yeah you never been fisted but no sydney i have never been fisted in my life. Ah, never?

Since a full fist? Look at how big my knuckles are. Wow. Sydney, you're just Ray Charles-ing people? Just the whole fist. I saw this crazy video on Twitter that somebody showed me of this woman that I guess she had

been fisted in her butt and they poured Fruit Loops in it and ate the cereal out of it. No! Did you see that? I'm like... It was crazy. Wait, can you send it to me? listen Zach showed it to me so I gotta I gotta get him to send it to me or something can you please

why do you want to see this video so bad it's gross but I feel like she was farting a little bit and it was like bubbling I love Fruit Loops though it's my favorite that and Rice Krispie Treats oh you just like sugar diabetes cereal

absolutely baby Rice Krispie Treats was just sugar cubes yes baby I am here for some fruit. I like my taint. Very sweet. Your taint? Taint.

Is that the taint outside the butt? Maybe. I thought the taint was like the little area between your butt and your cooch. Yeah. You never suck on that before? Oh, my God. We're getting wild today. The Wild and Crazy Kids.

Six minutes into me. You know my pastor listens to the podcast. Hey, Pastor Fry. Marie, were you an expert in anything? this week I was an expert at being mean this week a bully if you will really yeah oh wow what a callback what'd you do friend you know all the things that I always do um I'm like am I mean or are you sensitive you know that's a good also where does my meanness stack up to like the people that you surround yourself with you know if I mean that like I don't know I have no idea how to

finish that sentence let's let's ask the listeners do you think marie is a bully do you think she's mean i mean do you think she has no heart okay well the answer to all of those is yes she's mean she's a bully she has no heart i do have a heart it's just little it's like a like a like a tiny ice cube like you know when you do you you put water in the ice tray and like one cube won't be full for some reason like you fill the tray and then they all freeze and one is like half that's my heart like that little half cube i love it it's like a little nemo finn oh my god yeah that's you i love it it's great my heart is a nemo finn i mean in the almost five years that we've been friends i feel like your heart has gotten a little

bit bigger wow and i'll take it where my heart used to be come on or marion said it best Where my heart used to be Yes, I don't think you're a bully I think you're who you are And I accept you as you You've made me cry many a times And it made me reevaluate myself I said, it made me look in

Inward When Marie hurts her feelings You're like, it must be me She's that abusive that you think it's you It's not her, it's me It's me what'd you say that it's that it's you oh you don't think it's you think it's me wow let's talk about it andrew this is shocking spicy after all that we've been through in this

studio all the shick shack we had together i mean but we'd be making him pay for his own food yeah we do that's true well he's a producer he's gotta pay right okay well andrew you know maybe you should look inward you know no i have i've done too much of that and i know sometimes you're just a little rude and that's fine you say you're just a little rude and that's fine listen our rudest friends are our bestest friends that's what honestly and truly i feel like that's what your rude friend is going to say the shit that you can't say no no your rude friend is going to say the stuff that you need to hear ah calling me an intern when i'm not but we call you a sexy tall producer intern okay what the problem is you see producer intern you never say producer

we always say producer intern go back and listen to all of the episodes since the minute we started saying it we always say our tall gay producer intern it's true it did and that was me it was me it did start with that i said intern but then but we say producer intern now yeah we change it And we said tall, sexy, single, ready to mingle, lives in Chelsea by himself. Your roommate, intern. He's doing great. Wow, Andrew, I feel like. Wow, that got heated.

You needed to get that off your chest. That N-word, you had to look N-word. You see? Andrew, tell him why you mad. Whenever you got to get off your chest, bro, this is where to do it. This is where you got to do it. It's a soft spot. Yeah.

Wait, okay. And so I was an expert in taking the time that I needed the first week of work. Did I mention this already? Did I mention it on the podcast that I fell asleep at work? Andrew? Oh, yes, you did. Yeah, you said that yesterday. I did?

Yeah. Fuck. Well, say it again. I'm going to say it again? Yeah. I fell asleep at work, guys. Because you know it's going to happen again. It's going to happen.

I actually think that you said it on one of our four days. Okay, so we didn't say it on. Okay, so I fell asleep the first week, the last day of my first week. I fell asleep, and I was sitting on a couch, and it's just like, you can't be on a couch and not take a little nap. I can, but yeah, sure. I fell asleep, and I tried to play it off. You woke up, your hair was in your mouth.

You're like. Mind you, what was on my laptop? Kevin Hart. I was not even doing it. You were watching his new special? If you guys want to know my review on Kevin Hart, I fell asleep. Wow. Well, I mean, Kevin Hart has released, I think, too many specials back to back at this point for the newer ones to be funny.

Honey, I closed my eyes and I didn't look back and I still have a job. So I'm looking forward to next week. Yeah, that's real. I love that for you. I'm so happy for you. Taking the time that you need, guys. Take a little bit of you time. That's called self-care.

Yes. And speaking of self-care, our guest today. Wow. Such a gem. Angelic. She's a comedian And a producer And she is our

Getting dumped expert Love it Give it up for Jenny Gorlick Hi Yeah Hello Jenny Wow thank you for

Calling me angelic You are You actually Your energy is very angelic But I feel like You might have been One of like the mean Popular kids in school

I actually was not But I held on To that energy And now I use it When I need to You know I didn't have The opportunity to be A mean girl in school

but now you know it's pent up so yeah you're giving me you're giving me gretchen wieners energy thank you right like not regina george but like a jason right like my father invented pop tarts yes yes that's a good one pop tarts tell people that yeah that's you should just tell people that i mean it goes with you thank you you have on and everything thank you who's going around saying that their father invented post-its what was that from that they invented post-its oh i love that post-its postmates my dad invented postmates maybe say that yeah that'd be good jenny where where are you from and do you have any feedback on anything that you heard thus far well i love that we started super intimate that was really

fun um yes where what's your stance on shower or bath sex i've never had bath sex and i feel like i need to immediately so that's next on my list um shower sex i like i think you need to be having it with someone that you're not using condoms with so uh wait who was using condoms in the shower no one so like you you can't it has to be someone that you save sex right right so for that reason you know has not happened recently for me it's like that's a that's a boyfriend thing and You're not there yet. I'm not there yet. I'm not there right now.

And that is so on brand because you're good at getting dumped. I'm really good at getting dumped. Full circle, bitch. Yeah, I get right full circle. But you seem so sweet,

but I feel like there's a little ticky-ticky boom here. A little ticky-ticky boom. You feel it? You feel that energy? I don't see that at all. Andrew doesn't see it.

Jenny, when I see your pictures on Instagram, I'm like, she looks like such a good person. She's gotta have killed a cat at least once. Right, she ran over a cat in her Volkswagen Beetle.

Right. You're so sweet. I don't know your age, but you look so freaking young. I do. You're the youngest person. You're not the youngest person. You look like the youngest person who's been on this podcast. I know, but I'm 27.

I think I'm right in there with people. Oh, yeah, you are. I'm right in there. Yeah. But I hope that I look this. Did you not say you were 28? No, no. Oh, yeah.

I'm already going back a year. I'm lying about my age. Sorry, guys. From now on, I'm actually 21. Okay. So that's what I'm going to start saying. Yes, lean into that. Lean into that young, dumb energy.

but I yeah I look really young and I hope to look this way when I'm 40 I just I want to be playing a teen on the CW a million percent

you know at like 30 years old I see there was a the black girl on Pretty Little Liars or something is like 42 shut up

and she she's been playing a high school student her entire career right I'm gonna look her up no I'm looking I'm telling you

it's a black woman she's light skinned so it's not even like her melanin is all the way popping I don't know what her name is I'm obsessed with that not the show but that she's playing

someone so young forever even Stacey Dash when we liked her on Clueless she was like 34 yeah and now she's crazy and we hate her but she was a grown ass woman on that show so it was like Rachel McAdams and Mean Girls

yeah well that was the thing back in the day you can look really young but be old and play these high schoolers and then everybody wanted to look older because they're like oh it's actually 34 year olds fucking playing 16

yeah but I feel like we're not getting high school comedy dramas anymore you know what I mean I don't know what movies are now but I feel like we're not getting Can't Hardly Wait or Never Been Kissed or The Last Dance

we're not getting movies like that anymore Jenny, hello. You better make it happen. There's a market. There's a moment. You should be cast in it. I should be in it. Bianca Lawson, she's 40 years old.

Oh, yes. And she plays a child still. She's in Queen Sugar, too. See? There you go. Boom shakalaka boom. Cast of Gossip Girl. They're like 50.

They were 50. Gossip Girl? I have never seen an episode of Gossip Girl. Really? Well, I'm not really here for Blake Lively. Okay. That's fair. She never got to be a good actress.

Dragging Blake Lively. Drag her! I'm sorry. Say it. Sorry. It's a safe space. sorry I actually I thought she was amazing in a simple favor

oh I heard that movie was good it's a good movie it's an insane movie when did it come out recently last year yeah great movie Blake Lively is incredible in it because she's finally getting to play like the psychopath that we want from her that we know she is that we know

she is but when she's playing Serena Vanderwood then it's her hair that's doing the acting did you rewrite did you write this stuff before you got here No, I didn't know we were going to talk about Blake Lively. But that's my opinion about Blake Lively. Jenny, you're going with the bars right now.

I'm sorry. Blake Lively. I'm sorry. I think it's Marie. She brings the meat out of me. Yeah, I know. You said that. You think I might be a little mean?

I have a little bit. I'll let it peak out sometimes. Well, where are you from? New Jersey. Oh, I would not have guessed that at all. You're giving me, like, Los Angeles high school vibes. Oh, thank you. I know.

But Jersey, it's just such a part of me. and specifically, I mean my belly button ring that I'm hiding right now. That is one of the most Jersey things about me. In 2019, you still got it in? Yeah, girl. Wow. Jersey, you can't get rid of it.

You can just take it out. I know, but the New Jersey in me. I could never let it go. Your shirt is tucked in, but I do want to see it. Oh, my God. Wow. It's got a little Kubrick Zirconia in there. Yeah, that's not a real diamond.

You went to Claire's Accessories? Uh-uh. That's Claire's? I'm from New Jersey. Oh, my God. I freaking love that you have a belly ring still. You are so Degrassi. Do you have sex with that in?

Of course I do. Of course. She never will take it out. She'll be on top, like belly dancing. She'll be like, Shakira, Shakira. Honestly, the people who are most surprised by it are the TSA. That they're the people who I feel like I get. Oh, they have to wand you.

Yeah, I get wanded a lot. And do you lift your shirt up? No, no. But they do the pat down, and they're like, oh, that's what the medal is. They're like, oh, wow. They're like, interesting. Interesting. In 2019?

Interesting. Sydney, we should get matching BFF belly rings. Can we do that? No. I got really excited. I was like, Andrew, you want to come with us to get belly rings? Yeah. Well, Marie, we have this tattoo.

This is my first tattoo, so I might as well do another first with you. We already have something together. Andrew and I will get the belly rings. Oh, man. I've never seen one on a man, and I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I feel about it. It's perfect for the summertime. It is.

Yeah, it's the right moment. Well, actually, you should get it during the fall or winter because the healing process isn't fun. And you want to go swimming in the summer if you like to swim. And you can't if you just got a piercing. You can't swim. You're not from New Jersey. I'm going to learn this year.

Because you're so informative and you're so helpful. That doesn't sound Jersey at all. No, you're not. Where in Jersey? Like South Jersey? Central. OK, I don't know Jersey. I know.

It's OK. I mean, some people think so. Central, I'm right in between north and south. That's what central means, right? but some people say Central doesn't exist but it's there there's a

they're hating yeah they're hating the people who say it doesn't exist must live in South Jersey that's true they're South Jerseyans and they're more Philly

than they are New York sorry they say John John to be honest Jenny you are giving me Hollister vibes okay

yeah or Abercrombie and Fitch like you work there wow I always wanted to in high school that would have been a cool thing to do I worked there for a summer did you?

yeah really Marie I learned something new about you I thought you knew this no what happened I needed a summer job and I got a job there. I was a model, quote unquote.

Yes, you have to be hot. That's what they call their sales associates. So I had to spray the restaurant. I mean, the restaurant. I had to spray the store with that nasty ass perfume. You did tell me this. I just buried it. And then I brought it back up.

So I buried it again. Buried it again. Right. So what is your background? Like, what is your mom and dad? I'm Jewish and also Italian. so i think what you're getting is maybe the italian i feel like maybe the italian the last name is pretty jewish it's yeah a russian jewish last name and it actually means bum like b-u-m

bum bum like a bum like a bum like a bum ass like i'm begging yeah gorlick is a bum oh you're the you're the jewish aladdin mm-hmm i am the jewish aladdin street rat yes yes that is exactly what i um you know kenny g the flautist also kenny gorlick my man kenny your man my man's kenny g the g stands for gorlick yes your man kenny g is actually kenny gorlick no relation but he's i'm not fucking with you oh my god i love i know i love knowing this too i'm screaming right now i yeah because i want him to perform at my memorial i would memorial yes sydney if i live If I live longer than you, I will make sure that happens. Okay, thank you.

I'm going to put that in my will. Yeah, I will. I promise. There's got to be some type of relation. Y'all are like distant cousins or something. I don't want to do 23andMe or any of those. I'm nervous about those. I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it. But the one reason I would be interested is that I do want to know if I am, in fact, related to Kenny G even a little bit. That's crazy. You know what? Kenny Gorlick don't sound right. It's not cool. No, I'm not going to listen to that.

Kenny G. Kenny G for a long time. And I was like, oh, he a nigga. And then I was like, who's this white man with this long hair? But, and the hair is very curly. It is. It's like Slash. You know, Slash is half black.

No, he's not. Yes, he is. Slash, the guitarist, is half black. You're a liar. Oh, my God, Sydney. You gonna make me look this up? I thought maybe Slash and Kenny G were brothers. Wow.

Also, I thought his last name was just G. I know. Yeah, he was born G on the birth certificate. Yeah, G. G-E. G. Kenny G I know

The more you fucking know On the unofficial expert Yeah You learn something But now how did you know His last name was Gorlick You gotta look this stuff up When your last name is Gorlick

You gotta get into it You gotta know So you're like So you went on Google And you're like Famous Gorlick Yeah And then Kenny came first

Of course Kenny's the main one Also a lawyer Who She's in the New York Times a lot Cause she represents A lot of Trump people Yikes

I know So there's a lot of Miss Gorlick Fuck I know that ruined my day I'm sorry I know

I know I know you're not like that I can't believe you I'm sorry to bring that up I'm really I apologize sincerely and deeply from the bottom of my heart

okay so you're Italian Jewish you obviously still cool with your family yeah your mother and your father yeah I feel like you call them

every other week well my dad and I are very close I knew it you were like daddy's little girl that's his mom Ola

she's a costume designer she made clothes for Janet Jackson and a bunch of other people damn Kenny G oh not Kenny G slash slash his mom I know it looks like dark skin on Viv my dad actually he asked me for dating advice which I think is very funny because my parents are divorced okay so what kind of advice did you give your dad so he he's dating someone new

a younger woman uh yes she is kind of a younger woman um and first I mean so he tried the apps and he really didn't like the apps. He was like, you know, Jenny, Tinder when you're, he's 60. So Tinder when you're 60 is like a lot of young women who seem like they just kind of want his money. Does he have a lot of money? You know, the divorce hurt him a little bit. But like, yeah, I mean.

He got some money. There's some money. There's some money in the Gourlick Pass. We were bums, but we've, you know, we've come up from there. You're thriving now. You're thriving now. The Gourlicks are thriving. um so on on tinder he was mostly finding uh young women who want his money much like myself

so he was like i'm good i don't need that anymore um damn a 60 year old on tinder i'm but you can set the age that you see yeah but women who are interested in finding an older man for that reason i think yeah they mess with they mess with the ages money yeah if they want the money if you want to be a sugar baby you will do whatever you need to in order to make that happen it don't matter how low the balls are my bank account is also low so um i hate thinking about that in context of my dad so sorry mr girl sorry mr g sorry um uh okay so he was set up uh with a new person her name is alissa by a mutual friend okay alissa sound like she too young for him like she wore crop tops no no crop tops on Alyssa I yeah to my knowledge um so she they've been on

like four dates and you haven't met her though I have not met her four days is too right like that's too early um and she recently planned a date for him where she invited him over and they were gonna watch a star is born and make and she made him dinner and then that's some friendship that movie is sad i would never fucking be in a relationship and see a star where does your dad stand on netflix and chill um so the thing is like that he's not of a generation that they watch the movies if you know yeah if the movie come on he falling asleep yeah he's watching the movie no no the original netflix and chill was like drive-ups drive-ins they would be in the car like fondling people while movies were on the screen right yeah okay so she invited him

to stars born stars born at her house cook him dinner and her teenage sons at their dads okay okay and my dad was like you know that's that seems like a good that's a good sign right like that's a good sign and you know i i didn't say this to him but like for me it's like okay all signs point to like alissa wants to fuck dad like that's this is going to be the day you have a conversation with him uh no i was like that is a great sign and like you know don't he asked me like when is it okay to get romantic over text

that's what he asked your dad me oh Kenny G come on I know and I was like okay do you mean like sexting

because absolutely not until like you've actually had sex and then like let's reassess oh your dad was trying to send some sexy text

before he had okay great yeah well he's like what is the timeline what's your dad's name his name's Greg I love Greg Greg G

he's great yeah he doesn't you like black girls you like black girls I don't know that means no I don't know that means hell no

and I'm really I don't know that means the devil is not welcome in my house I don't know if he's ever dated a black woman

that means no Jenny we get it we get it your dad hates us freaking Greggy G we can't change that Marie is famous that's true

no I will ask I'm not commuting to New Jersey for no pain I know it's not worth it she's trying to be on a boat this summer

so does your dad have a boat he does not have a boat Marie but no swimming I'm worried about the pool I'll put a life vest on top of a two piece I'll put a bubble vest on top of a two piece

and just like doggy paddle cause that's hot right men like girls that doggy paddle I would love to see you in a floaty bitch that's hot I almost drowned wearing a floaty once at the YMCA anyway that's neither here nor there

so I'm just so what happened when Star was born so he told me did he pull his dick out or no he didn't tell me that

but I know it's definitely gotten a little more serious but he is worried now that he's not sure that he wants to like he doesn't know if she's the right person

oh he didn't get hard he didn't quit it I don't know he couldn't get hard that's what that means I mean yo Sydney I can't believe

we can speculate all we want but it is my dad oh you're right you're right well let's get into your dating history oh yeah let's talk about it now what movies you put what's your go-to film to put on for netflix and show um that's a great question i feel like well it's got to be

something that we don't actually want to watch the tv show i think like one of the best things to watch is like santa clarita diet like i don't want to watch that drag drag is that the drew barrymore one oh wow we can get through maybe two minutes and then we're like okay now it's the chill part like the next part is over we got a movie we got a movie for you to put in super fly okay put it in you at literally 30 seconds in you're gonna be like the fuck is this why are you putting on a show about cannibalism because because she's a freak andrew yeah she's a freak sorry i seem like a little angel but i'm a little freak i don't know she's a little ticky ticky boom see i told you so jenny wait wait how many relationships have you been in

Because I feel like not that many. I feel like you've had, like, maybe two, three tops, seriously. Relationships? Yeah, serious relationships, really only two. But I've dated a lot of people for the, like, six-month mark. Where it's like, if it's going to end, like, there's going to be a breakup involved. You know, where you're past the point where it's not really a breakup. Where it's like, we're going to break up because it's at the point where it's either

it's getting serious or it's done. So you never make it to that, I want you to be my girl. Yeah, that part has not happened for me in a while. Fuck, Jenny, how long? I'd say since college. Girl, you've been out of college for at least. Five years, five years. Oh, I was going to say seven years.

It's about to be my five. It's about to be, I know. So I've been dumped a lot at that point. But why do you think people are dumping you? Because you love too much or you don't care enough or you're too clingy? I think it might be a little bit like my taste and who I want to be dating

because that could be part of it I feel like I mean also not just to blame the people I'm dating also definitely you know there must be something on my end you don't know what it is? we'll tell you what it is we'll figure it out we'll find out I think by the end of the podcast definitely

what's your type? I love dating guys who just got out of relationships which is bad just got out of prison I was going to say wow No, I did recently date a felon. I found out after our first date. What kind of fucking felon?

White collar crime. Drug dealer. Oh, so you had a Latin. Or a black. Sorry, ladies, half Asian. Anyone can be a drug dealer if they want to. I'm here for that. Honestly, his mugshot was very hot.

That's sexy. Do you have a screenshot of it? No, I don't have it. I can find it if you want. A half Asian felon? that's my type yeah he uh i found out after our first date so i googled him he didn't tell me his last name before i went on the first date then i got his last name googled him how'd you do that how'd you get his last name uh because i put in his email yeah we emailed about it uh i asked him

if i should put my drink on his tab and then i asked him what his tabs under work that's how you get the last name i'm sorry i feel like before we go on dates with these people we should have their first and last name. Yes? Sometimes you don't. No, not on Tinder. Sometimes not. Yeah.

So you met this guy on Tinder? No, actually, he asked me out after a show. Right. I need the first and last name so I could do my research. No, you're going to get a first name.

Y'all just going blind? Yeah, on my head was the first name. Sometimes you don't even know their first name. This is true. When they're like deep dick in you.

Deep dick in you, you don't know their first name. Shout out to In the shower or in the bathtub. You have no idea who they are

and you're just taking a shower and you're having sex. i mean yeah i mean i i get that but i'm crying my eyes out so you got his last name boom you google him yes mugshot comes up or no yes i find the mugshot and then i go on the second date and i'm just like oh what you know what happened and the thing is like a lot of people did shady stuff when they were you know what do you do uh he was like in his early 20s okay yeah that's the way you do he was selling he was selling some drugs

and got caught that's oh that doesn't count how long was he in jail for just for less than a month oh girl I wouldn't even mention it yeah girl

he's not really a felon then no no well petty petty stuff I was in jail for four hours so that's basically the same thing yeah

yeah okay Sydney you didn't know you were sitting with a felon you didn't know that it's not on my record either right if it's not on your record then it doesn't count

it's expunged cause I paid it off baby yeah baby Jessie is that you yeah jesse not guilty not guilty i mean if it's not on your record then it doesn't count it didn't happen okay so you went on a second date with him what happened he was like even though he a

and he's like ah i just don't think you're the type of girl i want um actually in this case i we it was like kind of a mutual like we're not gonna see each other anymore you didn't hook up with him uh after the second date uh come on i think we did we did but then but there was no third date it was just kind of like okay i think that's it the sex was trash it was fine but it wasn't like we don't want fine no one wants to be great it should just be great we are too old and too young to be having fine sex no we're too old after 22 20 after 23 24 I shouldn't be having sex that's just fine yeah it should be good

if it's trash you can go yeah also don't call me don't text me you can still like my stuff on the gram but you might get blocked oh blocked um well that's fine so that happened that happened that wasn't necessarily like a being dumped

one just came up what was your latest dump uh my latest dump or your worst dumped two separate two separate okay Okay, latest, we'd been dating for about five months. Okay. I get a text that says, hey, do you want to get a coffee?

But that could mean anything. Absolutely not. Absolutely not, Marie. No, Marie, I'm never asking anybody that I'm intimate with, let's go get a coffee. Unless it's like a business meeting. If you're in the neighborhood, you know what I mean? Like if we're in the neighborhood and I'm like, hey, you got out of work,

oh, do you want to grab a coffee? like that doesn't necessarily mean I mean I'm not going to ask you to get coffee with me but because I don't drink it and I'm not paying but also like it doesn't necessarily mean you about to get dumped it don't sound good no I think it's only a bad sign

if you've been dating someone because like we've we've coffee is spontaneous you don't like plan that we're going to just go get a coffee right now even lunch maybe you would plan like hey do you want to get lunch that might not mean anything to me do you want to get a coffee says that it's going to be

short. Coffee means it's going to be short. It's going to be short. I feel like five months of dating somebody, I'm not breaking up with them. I'm just not going to hit them. Does that make sense? I'm going to ghost you after five months. Are you? Are you one of those? I'm not going to get a coffee. You're tacky. Yeah, I think that's a little...

Andrew, you got to break up with somebody after five months or you're just going to kind of like if it fizzles out, it fizzles out. I haven't had it that long. Honey, we can't even talk to you. You're blocked. I mean, so he texted me and said, do you want to get a coffee? So I texted him back.

No. I was like, are you going to break up with me? That's what I texted him immediately. Okay, you're being aggressive. I don't think so. That's aggressive. No, but then he was. She said coffee and you immediately thought that meant something bad.

Yeah, but I waste my time over a frappe. But then. Well, go get your little cappuccino latte. I was at work. I was like, I'm not going to leave work to then get dumped. like tell let's like tell me right i'm not clocking out for this i'm not yeah i'm not using my break like this is business hours no i wouldn't have lost money but like i don't want to i would get dumped while getting paid at the same time yeah but no not on the clocks i don't want to i don't

want to come back to the office oh being sad yeah i don't want to like you know tell me what is happening here so what happened so he was like can i call you if i say are you about to break up with me and you hit me with a cannot call you the answer is no I went I was like yeah let's talk it out on the I was like let's talk it on the phone so you want to get dumped on the phone at work that's what you're saying so I left my office on a landline I I didn't take it on the landline I did I took a quick break out of the office took the call we talked it out and he he was just kind of like I don't think I'm actually ready to be in anything right now and I've been feeling kind of like i've been feeling bad about holding on to this and so i wanted to talk it felt random that

he wanted to tell me then in the middle of the day on like a tuesday right after y'all just had anal on sunday right yeah yeah that's why you don't do anal on sunday right save it for the end of the week yeah save it for friday Thursday friday only yeah because you're not gonna break up on a saturday right no no way no nobody breaks up on a saturday but often they break up on a tuesday what's that is it you do you break up during the week you gotta get it out early so that in the rest of your week you could just do what you're gonna do yeah exactly you gotta keep it flexible so i did take the call we you know i was upset like i was bummed out did you so do you think it was a situation where you liked him more than he liked you yes i think it definitely

was and i think that happens what did you do what do you mean it's just like on the phone with him what did you how do you respond no so no i'm saying like what do you do to make someone know that you like them more than they like you. I think I'm just very open and honest about when I'm starting to be. You gotta start lying.

Yeah. Do you think? Yes. Lie. Men don't deserve the truth. Mm-mm. Lie. I think you should be like,

yeah, so, you know, some other suitors were hitting me up. Right, no. When they message you, you gotta hit them with a day later and be like,

sorry, I was at this other dude's house. Yeah, right. Ah, I didn't hear my phone. Adam had my, I left my phone at Adam's house. Yeah.

Who? Oh, you don't know Adam? Ah, never mind. like sorry a friend yeah yeah i think i may be too honest about how i'm feeling but that's not a fault of yours if you're if from the very beginning now are you looking for a boyfriend or are you just trying to date right now i feel like i'm trying to date but i'm very open to right having you know i'm open to it i would i would love if it felt like this is a good thing like i'd love to have a boyfriend side note you got 12 fucking shows that you produce how do you

have time for a relationship? They be at the shows? Yeah, I guess they have to come to all my shows. Yes, you produce a lot of comedy, friend. You're doing comedy and producing comedy. When do you have time? And you've got a day job. Yeah, I think they have to just maybe be my biggest fan then.

No. Yikes. I don't want that. I don't want you to come to any of my shows. No? Never? Not a one. No.

I just kind of want- If I look and I see you at a show and I didn't tell you you could come- That's gross. I'm going to be pissed off. Oh, I hate that. I'm just like, we'll be right back after this break. We're going to take a quick intermission, and then I'm coming up to you to be like, what happened?

You got fired? Did you forget that I do things here? You need to leave now. Security? Security. I'll have you escorted out. I can put a drink on your tab. Honestly, that's fine.

I feel like it's good to be honest. Again, we're too old to be playing those games. No, you should be honest just so like, hey, you know, i'm not looking for a boyfriend i'd be open to it if this was it i'd be i'm open to it though but like you know let's just see what's going on here yeah but does that mean when you're dating these people you're dating them exclusively you're not no i'm i'm dating other people generally but as long as you're saying that like yeah and i mean that's and that is clear to them but then it just feels like especially because you know if you've been dating for that period

of time and it's consistent you know at a certain point you're like it I I'm not gonna ghost someone at that point I feel like I owe it to them Maria's patient she has no heart that has not I feel like it's at the point where it's like we have to talk about if we don't want to be seeing each other like this anymore and like I feel like the people I'm dating they at least give me the courtesy of that too like but if we're dating a bunch of different people both of us then like why do I gotta tell you that you're not on the roster no more you know that's what I'm thinking well because you gotta

let go of some people that are on the bench Marie you gotta let them go you can't just be like have somebody else in the spot on that bench that they've been sitting for a minute like yeah but if you've been benched you know that you're benched yes if I haven't been hitting you up or you hit me up and I'm saying

oh I can't tonight or oh I'm like I'm busy this weekend or it's taking me longer to respond you know that I'm not feeling you no more or cut him from the team though sometimes just cut them from the team let them know that they're not on the team anymore so they can go be on another team this is true that's what we want to play we want to play the game uh we don't even know what sport we're talking about i know i have no idea about sports i was thinking basketball uh what sport were you thinking what you were saying uh european football

football yeah football with a u with a u football so hold on what was your worst breakup because i want to feel like that's not that bad no i feel like everybody that was my most recent yeah that was my most recent not so bad yeah you went back to work stole somebody's lunch from the fridge and you finished your your shift yeah and it was you know and it was totally fine and i just and i didn't have to go sit across from him at a coffee shop and be like why are we talking about this here right you know because i never want to do that so he wanted to meet you in the middle of the day does that mean he doesn't he don't have no job yes marie and that's also a problem we're better off so you should have been cutting him loose in the beginning you know you're and

I've learned that now did you though because the way that you're talking I feel like you might still date like a little DJ or something a comedian

I know I need to stop being interested in comedians pray for me I love people who are entertainers yikes I know yikes I went on a date

with a lawyer and I was so bored they are boring though that is something else they're boring they're literally fighting for random causes left and right

they get paid a lot yeah but it's a lot of researching it's a lot of people telling them what the fuck to do and then they gotta

fight for people It's a lot. Jenny, I see you with like a finance dude. Really? Yeah. Because I worry about those guys too. A young, kind of like bro-y finance man. Okay.

Jenny doesn't look like she does coke though, so I couldn't see her. No, no, no, no, no. Jenny looks like she do coke. Only on special occasions. Yeah. Like she has a little necklace. She has one of those cruel intentions vials of cocaine. I see it.

I feel that. Only when, you know, we're celebrating. So your birthday is every month with the show. So every month, at least once a month. you don't get the cocaine energy here absolutely not jenny is the type to be chatty just cuz you know i mean you have high energy up top i know it does nothing for me when i see you i'm like oh i was like oh okay hold on one second i just woke up you're like jenny does always have on the little crop top moment you do you you love a little because you got a little body thank you

so you got body though you got a little body right thank you about it b-a-w-d-y wow thank you I'm exactly the same on cocaine as I am not on cocaine I'm the same right now I might as well be this is you know same edge you know this is a safe space if you want to go ahead I mean Andrew might judge you a little bit but we not gonna judge you

you know I think I'm fine just a little bump off the peak a bump off the mic just a pollen spring bump just a I think probably not one of my worst breakups Let's bring it back.

Thank you. One of my worst breakups was over email. He hit you with a warm regards? He didn't even know how to sign off, so he didn't. He just did dash his initial. I love a dash and an initial, though. He didn't hit you with a sincerely spelled wrong? Uh-uh.

Sincerely? Not a love, not a yours truly. Those would have been weird, too. What did he say? He hit you with a keep in touch. Do you have that email? Yes. Ooh, pull it up.

Okay. I want to hear. What's the tea? Who was he? what job did he have first of all he is a magician you dated a wizard uh yeah i did harry potter broke up with you yeah i got annoying i got dumped by gandalf so david blaine absolutely not david blaine i would never chris angel chris angel would seem like he more your type chris angel's kind of hot girl but he doesn't wash his hair so gross that's true gross well

That's the magic trick. He still gets pussy now. Honestly, I love magicians, though. I love being amazed, you know. You love being wowed? I love being wowed. If we're going to date, like, you better amaze me. So you like guys that wear capes in the bedroom?

Just like, ta-da. I'm going to make this dick disappear. Gross. Yeah, do a little bit of a burlesque number for me. No. No. I'm looking up Criss Angel right now. Oh, he spells Criss with two S's?

Okay, I'm looking. Oh, this John and Kay plus eight hairstyle he got here is. This, can I please speak to the manager? He might date a black man. That's the haircut. He dates black men. And he stay in Walmart. Yo, when we post this, we need to put the photo of Criss Angel.

Yo. Yo, Criss Angel looks crazy. Listen, if you Google Criss Angel right now and the first image that pops up. Is the one we're talking about Oh god I'm sorry Can I please Speak to a manager

Yeah he's Sidney said he dates Black men He's got a Michael Kors bag And flip flops Yeah and coach boots He wears Uggs

In the summer time Wait Jenny If you can't find the email I just found it I mean I just found it So it's this length It's like No

Yeah this It's pretty long It's not even double spaced hit us with the first paragraph and the very last yes yes um to whom it may concern okay so the subject is hi jenny so we from the get-go it's like what is this gonna be i hope a link to something funny right and you know that's what that should be probably when you're like ah it's not it's not it's not a link not an article okay jenny i wanted to write you and say a few things that have been on my mind sorry for the impersonalness of an email just thought

it would be the right forum to make sure my words ended up in the right order so starts pretty formal forum what what is this oh he's a magician using the word forum formal um okay and then the it ends with i like spending time with you this is not a there's no chemistry message i enjoy getting to know you and being in your company i think you're super smart and talented how old is this bullshit right here yeah how old is this man he's older he sound like he's 42 he's not 42 but i enjoy being in your company he's definitely inside you yeah i love to be in you but i don't want to be with you right saying um the notion of things continuing and possibly getting serious and deeper is a lot for me right now so and it kind of goes

the divorce yeah not a divorce man but just that's too much i know it was just a lot but now how were things with this dude before this like did it catch you off guard yes i was surprised everything was good you was making chicken tetrazzini one night it was like we were going on dates we're like yeah we're going on dates it's really nice like we're hanging out i spending a lot of time in his apartment it wasn't it was a little shorter than his dick was shorter what are you saying a short uh the amount of time we were in the relationship oh i was like are you gonna dick shame him i'm not gonna dick shame him no if you're gonna dick shame somebody this is the podcast this is yeah this would really be the right the phone lines are open so if you want

if you want to call in the dick shame somebody now is the time uh oh yeah i i would feel very safe to do that with you too but yeah yeah you know we're good for it but no we'll shame a dick that we haven't even seen we weren't even dating that long this was just like how long this was more like four months it was like not even so jenny is something around four or five months okay well let's let's get into it uh typically how many days do you go on before you have sex yeah that's a good question right depends on the person depends on the purpose say three i'm gonna say two for you i would say two or three is probably fair but sometimes you meet someone and you're like i want to have sex with this person immediately you know now yes yes that's

true but i'm do you think that that is that's a it's okay to do that because there's this thing like if you really like somebody you should make them wait whose thing is that what thing what is in 1985 right yeah what is this little house on the prairie look that's not necessarily the case here oh marie you be giving it up on a first night after alaskan crab legs i'm not going on any dates honestly i have no one to give it to it's just we can change that listeners phone lines are open so are my legs they're closed um okay so uh because i because michelle and this is like the second time this week that I brought her up but she met her

husband and on the first night they had sex and then she tried to ghost him and he just kept hitting her up and now they're married and they have twins yeah it's Michelle Obama yeah imagine this is Michelle Obama Michelle what's her middle name Elizabeth

Elizabeth Laverne Cox Obama you're a mess okay so you meet the person you like them but now the first date if you have sex with somebody on the first date that just means that you want to have sex with them not that you want to be in a relationship with them generally yes i would say yes but i feel like if you really want to be with somebody long term you shouldn't give it up on the first night but you don't but you don't but you don't know are you

about to spray perfume in the studio right sorry the windows is closed my bad wow wow listeners if you could see the file of perfume that she pulled out to spray her whole body down so sorry i'm just glad i caught it in time because usually i don't um okay so second or third date you have sex with this person yeah now are you super honest are you the person are you like they wake up and you watching them sleep that's true yeah i'm like yeah i'm i'm standing over them just being like i've been watching you sleep for hours that's me no no wedding dress yeah yeah and i'm wearing my wedding dress and like the priest is there no um no i think i just if i like someone i'm very honest about that from the get-go i'd say just because i'm not gonna waste

my time with someone that i don't like too right and you should not yeah cindy as you mentioned i'm very busy so i i want to be with someone if i want to be with someone i'm gonna make the time to be with them right and that is actually a big deal because i don't have that much time so you know i'm very clear from the beginning that i want to see the person and also i'm really good at staying on top of things so i will plan dates he likes to be on top you want to be on top that's america's next top model yeah short season changed my life got it love it list it um i'm not understanding what's wrong i feel like you seem fun you seem like somebody like your energy doesn't feel too intense uh i mean again i think so this magician also had been and this magician had also

been in a relationship right before we were in one too like i think that's a lot of it is that people who are just not ready and i think i'm so consistent and like following up following up just checking in to see what time or where he's a shitty magician if he had to write you that long ass email he could have made his whole ass disappear right magicians can just disappear how did you respond to that email i called him i said let me talk to you for a moment i'm not fucking writing you back yeah it's like we're gonna handle this on a fucking phone like grown like adults like 20 something did he did he like break what's up because somebody who writes emails just bad

at communicating right they don't want to face the real deal he's scared of conflict yeah clearly that's what it is yeah which is also why he plays tricks probably plays tricks plays tricks magicians love tricks

he plays tricks so why are you looking for anything real with somebody who's like that's their whole job and yes

he's a wizard you can't marry a wizard you're right I mean I just but I as I mentioned I love to be amazed

I love to be wowed so so he was just pulling cards out your pussy yeah ta-da was this your card

yeah queen of hearts does this do you recognize this I think it's a ten diamond is that what you have oh look a joker a joker card um i don't i don't know so yeah i just i i who's to say i how do you break up with people yeah let's get into that okay if i'm breaking up with someone i'm usually

pretty clear about it uh generally i'm not gonna schedule there hasn't been anything serious enough for me to schedule like we need to see each other in person to do this but definitely a phone call definitely uh i just think this isn't the right thing for us like i don't think it's working out is that how you say it you gotta be like that like kind of nice and loose hey i don't really think can you just be like this is not working for me yeah i mean it's like that it's like i yeah it's not really working and you know like let's stay friends if i mean that if i don't mean that i'm not gonna say that would you possibly mean that sometimes we do stay friends if it hasn't been like if it hasn't been that long okay sydney stay friends with your exes i mean

they'd be following me on my instagram and shit and uh you know i i've recently i've seen a few i don't i wouldn't say that we're friends i say that we're cordial and because i'm famous i mean they can't not right see who see me and see what i'm doing and whatnot oh my god i mean and i see them taking the bus so it's like oh you know i run into them look at the fans yeah i mean the exes i in the friends but yeah I think an adult would say hey I'm gonna be fine if I see you in person but we're not friends I'm not trying to text you right um I had an ex ask me about working at a job that I was working at he wanted to DJ and I thought that was weird yeah I because I don't think you should be in you shouldn't be purposefully trying to be in the same room right if you are in

the same room i'm hoping that it's going to be fine like we're all going to be okay with that we're never okay with it though yeah i don't want to see you yeah on the inside it's like you could just you know move across the country and i could never think about you ever again and that would be great like break up you got to move out of new york dude yeah what the fuck are you still here for yeah i was here first this is my city right and not even the west coast either because we know that you thrive on the west coast they gotta go to one of the square dry states right yeah you can either go like midwest or you have to like go across the ocean like i want an ocean in between us i think you need to live in atlaska if we break up adrian if you're listening to this i know you're

not but if we break up i'm saying i keep the house even though it's in your name it's fine adrian you don't have to move sis we still need you to dj at the knitting factory and that's more important than sydney's comfort for me shut up it's the audience having a good alaska's a nice place to live they have a lot of land they uh they give you a subsidy or a tax break you get five thousand dollars a month if you live in alaska i heard yeah so something i learned this week they need people to live there they need people to live it's beautiful let's let's do like a summer in a lot when is it warm there i don't know yeah let's figure it out and then let's like move to atlanta for a month you can make five thousand dollars i've had a i've had

a worse breakup than that um yeah i believe i've had a my breakup was like i had gotten pregnant and the guy broke up with me yeah he broke up with me because i wouldn't was it his baby i wouldn't have the baby and you wanted to have the baby in that i don't know who it was but i told him did you tell him you didn't know if it was his i didn't say that that's why i was terrible as a straight person i that's exactly why i was not meant to be with a man because babies yeah yeah i couldn't figure it out they're messy babies but he broke up with me and then he came to the clinic and to like i feel like as a as a scare tactic like to convince you to not to have an abortion yeah rude yeah it was completely across crossing a line right that's

definitely that's crossing all the lines definitely especially because like he broke up with you he's done right like he's canceled he's done right away in my mind he was poor he brought me crackers so i was like you don't have to go just yet um well yeah i did need a snack so thank you it was annoying because they say not to do this on an empty stomach yeah okay so i didn't need a snack thank you for the snack i almost was like should i have a kid and then i was like no no imagine right for crackers for crackers for some for some townhouse crackers for some saltine crackers they were saltine oh no

you can't have a baby for saltine crackers and they were definitely the individually wrapped ones okay yeah so he was oh so like the little tiny pack so it was a restaurant

it was the stuff that you get like soup at a restaurant so it wasn't even like you bought a box for me oh yeah you just had them at the house

without the soup no soup without the soup no soup just a stale pack of crackers oh my god yeah that's horrible that is trash

it's so much better that you're no longer dating I know I'm out to gaming I love it yeah Paul love it I love it

Paul love it who Paul I don't know yeah who is that Paul love it who is that I have no idea we don't know that

we don't know him we don't know her so I mean do you have any tips for people who might be dealing with a breakup how do you get over a breakup

I think cry as much as you want to sure first crying is important do it but not at work no try not to at work but you

I mean cry at home cry with your friends you're allowed to cry at bars sometimes I think that's fine Are you allowed to cry? I think you're allowed to cry. You're allowed to cry on the subway sometimes. Yeah. Subway is a great place to cry. New York City people see you crying on the train. They will leave you alone. Yeah. They're not going to talk to you or bother you. You can cry in public parks. That's a nice place to cry. Yeah. So yes definitely cry. Definitely lean on your friends. Like that's a great moment to go have fun with your friends as much as possible. Definitely do that. And then I think probably have sex immediately. OK. With what or whom. Some right with what. someone hot and fun someone the hotter and the more fun the better but that's what you that's all you should be banging is hot and fun yeah that's not possible but but that's what you should

be banging in the first place i know you're saying that but it's not that simple but she said okay she's saying to get over somebody you gotta bang somebody hot and fun yeah but shouldn't you have been banging the hot and fun person in the first place no you can't help who you like yo like i've seen what i want on a vision board and then i seen what to sit in the fucking bed it's just that's What happens, man? You can't help who your heart wants. I have eyes and then my heart has none. Heart is blind.

Heart is blind. The heart is blind. And it'll take over your mind. Yeah, that's what it is. Honestly, I think people should fuck more ugly folks. Why? Okay, why? Yeah.

First of all, ugly people know how to smash because they know nobody's looking at them. So it's all about the actual movement. right you're like there's there's a hole in that logic though because ugly people are having less sex in my mind that's what you thought their technique is not no that's what you think i agree with like yes yeah but i feel like the way that you got to i don't think is right but fuck all y'all maybe they have something to prove i think maybe you have something if you have something to prove you're gonna try harder yes you're gonna try harder but if you're out

of practice because you ugly then you're rusty your hips need oil you know what i mean like you don't really know how to do it you're just like this is true compliments ugly people give the best compliments and we need compliments to survive right if you want me on top i need compliments also i need a catering i need a juice please bring me a juice i need some crackers They could be the soup crackers. They don't even need to be the whole sleeve. I need a sleeve of Oreos. You're a mess.

I can't. I know. Okay, so you're saying cry and then sleep with somebody as fast as you can. Yeah, I think sleep with someone sooner rather than later so that you're not like, I'm never going to have great sex again. Like, no, go get better sex right away, which is the thing that sometimes I feel when I've just been dumped. I'm like oh but I really liked having consistent sex it's like no girl

you can do that on your own you don't need it but I think that's why we stay longer than we should for the consistency but it's like it's not that good my bank account is inconsistent what the fuck it's like why you want consistent sex it doesn't make any sense but I think that you should get booked

immediately after you get a job the thing that makes a breakup better is getting a job yeah getting a job being successful working yes but we don't show that yeah the unfortunate thing about getting booked is that you know if i could i get booked every single day if i could if i could i would i want to get booked right now if i could i would get booked this minute you're right right but it just doesn't you know it's no one's calling me i don't know i don't know no one's calling me right now i know

i'm like i'm like is the wi-fi not working yeah like what's going on do i have no service like no one's calling me to book me this moment so right a million percent and this is true you know but I agree I agree the best thing possible to happen right after getting dumped is to like be on a billboard yes to do things yeah yeah to go do things to be on TV that'd be good yes or or go to Michael's get a poster

like a fake poster of you being in a movie post it near where your ex used to live and so he thinks or she thinks that you you're killing it yeah put it on a bus honestly put it on a bus I think it's brilliant yeah I think that'll

be in my pilot put in your pilot what I love it put it in your bag after I get dumped I do this whole campaign that I got in some type of movie and make like 20 posters in the neighborhood of wherever my ex is

you gotta what she'll walk out and be like oh wow I didn't see a commercial for this you're just gonna run up and like paste it on a bus yeah so you can have like a fake sex in the city Carrie Bradshaw movie yes yeah i can't that would win that's winning you're just google it and see that right no make

a website anyone can make a website the person is too heartbroken to look it up yeah oh but i mean post uh i love to social media stalk my exes yes of course you gotta make sure they're doing bad after they leave yeah you gotta know have you seen anybody recently you're like fuck man uh Yeah, well, one of my favorite dumpings. My favorite dumpings, good dumping, was in Bryant Park. Okay. It was actually really nice. It was like beautiful outside.

We were both kind of emotional and sad about it in a way that was nice. Who dumped who? It was his decision. Oh, Jenny. Good God. I know. Jenny, I feel like you holding back from us, sis. What are you doing in the bedroom?

Are you taking pictures of them while they sleep? Are you a terrible? Are you giving them diarrhea? What's happening? No, he was another person that got out of a long-term relationship a little bit before we started. He wasn't ready. And then the thing is, an awful thing that I saw on social media recently is that he's back with his ex. That's what that is.

So that's what that is. You were a rebound. I was a rebound. And they got back together. I think often probably the problem is I am a rebound, but I'm very hopeful. Like, you're only the rebound if it doesn't work out, you know? so look at you being all positive yeah i'm positive that that is wrong i'm sure that that is wrong okay marie lily yeah marie maybe you are mean i mean no no i'm definitely for sure mean

but also i am not blind i feel like if if this keeps happening to you around the same time and you're attracted to the same types of people then i gotta you gotta make a lifestyle change i know No, I definitely do. I have to stop. You want to fix your life? I got to stop. I got to go find one of those nice finance guys you were describing that I hope is out I mean, they're going to be boring too, but at least they'll cook for you and buy you

things. This is to the listeners. If you know anyone, send them. Send them my way. You know, that's what I have to say. Well, they're going to be like, we just listened. I don't know. I don't think I want to send my friend that way.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. We don't know. We have no idea. I don't know. I mean, are you good at giving gifts? I'm great at gifts. Yeah, you do.

You seem very thoughtful. I feel like you're really good at making dinners or at least attempting to make a dinner. Attempting. Yes. I am not an incredible cook, but I will definitely make sure. You will make a roast chicken. I don't know how it's going to taste, but it's going to be roasted at least. Yeah.

It's going to be a little bit pink in the middle. There was effort put in. I tried. I feel like you put sprinkles on stuff a lot. I do love sprinkles. I have sprinkle energy for sure. no I will be like I'll be so supportive and

thoughtful and I can plan a really incredible trip I'm so good at that who paying for the trip? hopefully they are just give me your card and I'll pay I'm getting ready to book the tickets what's your card info? if you ask it real direct like that

they'll be caught off guard and they'll just give it to you and they'll have to send it to you sis I'm ready to book everything what's your card info? just send me a picture of your card what's the security code on the back 102 recent this is recent do you do you get do you get along with people's friends yes yeah i do actually so nobody has fought for you because that's no way i've definitely broken up with

somebody and i know that their people are letting it like what what was wrong with sydney she was great well i've had friends say you really shouldn't have been dating our friend like he's not great like i've had friends drag their friend before but we've already decided you like bums what is your type what did you say was your type i well i definitely like i physically what are you attracted to physically what am i attracted to tall sure definitely tall i i like a conventionally handsome man i don't know what that means you know like like tall dark and handsome you know what's your who's your celebrity crush uh right now i i'm trying to think if there's anyone that i'm super like he's the guy for me right now you seem like a like a timothy chalamet oh

whatever he's so cute but he's a little too cute you know really he's a little too cute so you want somebody with like a lazy eye now she wants somebody with like a hook nose yeah like a like a little ugly no like a more like a chris hemsworth like more like a like oh masculine yeah like a thor girl that magician that you was dating did not look like no he absolutely did not okay he absolutely did not but he did i i also like i love a beard on a man too he had a really nice beard andrew no i was like you to see if he had a beard yeah if i could pull up a beard yeah no you probably can't even grow a beard ah yes well you know some of us are maybe when he hits puberty

I don't know any day now it could be any day Andrew it's coming it's coming just give it time to fill in I don't know

if I can help you Jenny yeah but after this episode I'm gonna yeah keep your eye out I'm gonna take you under my wing thank you

my ashy ass mean ass heavy ass wing my thick with two c's wing I need some of that though I definitely need that help I feel like

I do I feel like it's you you do it's you Jenny it's for sure you and Jenny if you ever want women

I can help you out there I'm so bad at it I'll tell you soon okay I'll let you know Jenny let everybody know where they can catch you

on the grams on the twitters all that yes please follow me on Instagram that's the best way to know what I'm doing yes

it's a pun it's at Jenny Sequa Jenny Sequa so J-E-N-N-Y C-E-S-T Q-U-O-I That's special something

I don't know what it is but He's getting dumped She's just got that something That gets her dumped That's on Twitter as well On Twitter it's just my last name So at Jenny Gorlick Like Kenny G at Jenny Gorlick

And then you got a show Yeah I've got a couple shows coming up I'm about to be weekly At Baby Grand Greenpoint With a new show with Zach Teague Oh cute No, Zach, yes. Our divorce expert.

We love Zach. A tall, handsome man. Definitely my type. Definitely. Definitely you, not his type. Yeah, definitely not his type. It's called Hot and Fun. And that's every Thursday at 8 at Baby Grand Greenpoint.

And then I also have my birthday show monthly at Union Hall. Yep. Birthday show. I love it. When is your actual birthday? December. I'm a Sagittarius. I don't even, when your birthday comes, I don't even celebrate it.

Because I'm like, we should be doing it every month. I know. And you know what? I deserve that. Yep. yep it's fine that's fine that's fair I agree but we are you are you down before we

go is there any a final parting word you want to say to somebody who dumped you maybe like you walked away and you were like I should have said all of this stuff yeah son of a bitch anything you want to get off your chest and it could be you don't have to name names it could be as vague

as you want it to be I think just I can't wait until you guys see me on a billboard it's gonna feel really good that's all that's to all of them blanket statement for all

blanket statement wait till you see me on a get damn billboard or the side of a bus or a bus cause I didn't get on so I'm holding on to the side of a bus

just trying to get to work just dangling on the side of a bus bye guys don't forget to rate comment and subscribe see you on the Patreon bye

love you much bye Jenny C'est Quoi forever This has been a forever dog production executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio and Alex Ramsey for more original podcasts, please visit forever dog podcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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