MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Hoodrat Expert" with Alex English

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

We have past guest, Alex English, in the studio this week as our Hoodrat Expert! Alex tells us the time he went to jail, why he drank hot sauce, and what it means to be a refined hoodrat. Plus, Sydnee shares her menstrual drama and Marie explains how she got invited to a sex party!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I was late to the podcast today by 20 minutes and Sidney's mad at me, but I've waited 22 hours for you before. Oh, my God. Marie, I messaged you so early today. OK, I had to get my dry cleaning so I could get my stuff to go out later. I had to get makeup on and I do my stupid ass short ass hair. So, Sidney, I'm sorry that I was late today, but I feel like you have yet to apologize to me for being late to your house the other day. I said so. What are you talking about? I don't remember that that's crazy

I was like more than I wrote you a text message I said in person no you didn't see me in person because I left I saw you after and I said sorry no

I'm the first person to say sorry I have no problem saying sorry when I'm wrong well I just said that I was sorry friend so you're just gonna

have to take that I think yeah I don't think that's the way to apologize that's how that's how a Haitian apologized

I said sorry I already said sorry see y'all dragging it into the episode and now we taking away from the listeners it's fine they need to know the truth okay well tell them what the tell them the exact truth friend what is the truth the truth is is that we have something after this that's the only reason

i wouldn't care i could stay here all day wait i have no problem that's not true you can stay here all day i mean today i got time i could stay but like you know what i'm saying i'm just saying we have a show that we technically should be on time for because um beige people are putting it together so it's well we should be on time because food is coming out at 1 30 that as well i didn't want to say that i just wanted to make it a racial thing yeah well i'm not making a racial thing because i'm a good black person so uh you know i was i was late to the podcast today and i do live very close but i was in the car for 20 minutes for a trip that should have taken me 10 i mean i could have walked you could have walked but i was already late i can't if it takes me 15 minutes

to walk here so if if i'm leaving 10 minutes before i'm supposed to be somewhere or you know at the time i'm supposed to be somewhere our question was sydney and i we were here an hour early to record ads and you were made aware of this and then there was no rush i was made aware of what that we were here already no andrew you said see you at 11 to me yeah that's i texted you at like 9 see you at 11 and then you show up at 11 20 but what did you text sydney you text me what did you say sydney needed to be here early to record ads and i got here early yeah wow well i was here early technically i was here on tuesday recording my ads that's so let's talk about that okay okay i was unavailable that's fine sydney and i was

unavailable from 11 to 11 20 today because i was stuck in a car so i mean if we're talking about avails, you know, I'm just saying, that's how it was It's all water under the bridge I suppose, I mean, it's a shaky bridge, I guess Okay, so obviously She looks fantastic

She looks incredible, so that's like, okay, at least you came in and it's like, alright, well, there's a reason to be late but, you know, I'm just saying. Okay, okay, okay, so next week next time we record, I'm getting everybody breakfast okay that's what i'm doing i'm putting it on the podcast like i typically do yeah but i always give you money for what you get me don't do that don't you dare do that to me

when's the last time sydney got a receipt from you let's talk about that okay well let's discuss it okay cute fantastic i mean i pay for a shake shack you know when we go and i take oh i always pay for my own shake shack so i'm not really i'm unclear of who's she paid for your shake every time not every but a lot of times yeah and i've paid for stuff for us too marie so i paid for us for stuff yeah we all pay we all pay it's it all works out you know i i employ him for uh flyers and whatnot so and you pay him for that because that's that's not a service that he's providing you're supposed to pay him for his work i mean you said that in the dms and was like i'll do i'll do flyers for free and an intern no yeah let's see let's see what they tell them to send

their uh send them to send their book their book tell them to send the book tell them to come to a go see we want to see the stuff okay no the portfolio tell them to send us the link to the portfolio yeah this is your website yeah and it was a black person too and i was like should i you was like support black businesses okay you should be in the dust no a hot producer you know andrew andrew i should apologize to you also because you have to be here on your saturday morning so i'm sorry that i was late i don't mind being here well i'm i'm still like i and i'm not i'm not gonna apologize to guess he was late too so uh he was he was late not as late as me but he was late but he got on you know he got on merch

and stuff but otherwise he's wearing a cash look you know also a man don't have to like get up early to prepare he could just roll out of bed and wipe his eye boogers out but he lives far too though he lives far well you know he got bushwick so but he had time to get a green juice a beet juice in bushwick no he was close you had to come to like nice brooklyn for that no he was in a car and he got out it's fine all right marie what's up let's go let's let's talk about why i could like one of my excuses for me being late today could have been that i was at a sex party last night um we could talk about it real quick uh so and please don't say which family member but I have a family a friend a friend of a family member of mine invited me to a sex party and he was like

he was like please don't be mad at me he was like we watch movies naked at my house and then he's like we provide bud and we provide alcohol and whatever else that you would need and he's like but he's like you could bring a friend but only only women and I was like only women it sounds like you the only dude at the house like just you and he was like bring d nasty and i was like d nasty how specific of a friend you didn't even ask me to bring sydney yeah that's sydney's in all my photos who is this her they they're canceled he was like bring d nasty i was like um okay and so last night yesterday sydney came over we recorded some patreon episodes and then um my carolina came over and i was like do you want to go to a sex party because she was

sad and she was like yes and then um io came over and we were like io you should come to a sex party with us she was wearing a fleece and we're like that's perfect she was like i'm not wearing a bra and we were like well that's what you're supposed to wear to a sex party and uh so then we went and got thai food and everybody was too full to go to the sex parties so we went back to the house but i sent him a message and i was like i was like oh i might come with my friend and he was like oh which friend send me a picture and then i didn't and then he was like do you want to get some videos and i was like you're sending me the videos he sent me some videos and he was like do you want the x-rated stuff and i was like i don't want to see y'all watching movies like send me send me the

nitty-gritty nasty sex party stuff um and then he was like what send me a pic so i know it's real and i i sent him a picture of somebody else's titties so you know that's what megan the stallion taught me so that's what happened and then i did not go out but i was up until like four o'clock in the morning so why were you up till four o'clock in the morning well these girls was at my house for a while and then they left and then i fell asleep on my couch then i woke up to shower and then i you know and i was watching these videos and i was like i should go to bed because i got to be up at 10 o'clock tomorrow or whatever time i was supposed to be here and uh that's why i was late so i didn't go to the sex party but i was like kind of at the sex party i was like bitch

i'm over here waiting i was like did they really go and you all that build up for nothing well you know sometimes you don't always come you know sometimes it's a it's a build-up and there's no climax you know it's no release wait was your family member at this sex no this family member was not at the sex party i feel like that was but this person is friends i know this person that invited me through this family that friend is canceled and the fact that i wasn't invited is extremely homophobic that's what that was yeah it was it was like oh you could only bring girls right right but this girl don't want no dick well Sidney what did you do last night because you were there we were talking about the sex party and you left so let's talk about that well I was in a mood

you know I was I'm an expert in you know when I don't want to do something I'm not doing it anymore oh that's good clap clap for that Sidney says yes to a lot of things that she don't want to do but this is this is gross I was I mean you saw me on the couch I I was like so annoyed and just I didn't know what the fuck I wanted to do and I wanted to do stuff and then I didn't and then I wanted to hang out with y'all but I was like I'm not really contributing to anything right now so what do you mean

I just feel like that you're not contributing I feel like when you when you come through and the crew is there it's like either you down and you sad or you adding to the freaking group me I'll just come be sad and be on my phone

the whole time nobody needs that I mean, you could just set a timer on your phone so that you get locked out after a certain amount of time. I'm not doing that. That's the thing. It's time limits. That's what Steve Jobs died for. Yeah.

I left, and then I ended up going to sleep, and I woke up, and I had my period. That's what it was. I could not understand why I was so indifferent, annoyed, and just like, I want to be with people, but not be with people. And then I woke up, and there was blood all over. Blood is on the dance floor.

I have blood on myself, so there is a stain. Wow. But you had on a leather pant yesterday. No, no, I didn't stain these Zadas. Oh, you let the listeners know you got the same pants on as yesterday.

That woo! Yikes! I didn't say that! The blood is on the dance floor! From Zaras! You got the same pants on from Zaras? My cramps hurt right now and you're annoying me and i well you know that sometimes is what happens uh you know you want your period yeah i'm just like has there ever been a bitch that killed somebody on her period that's

like that should have happened there should be a serial killer that kills men every 30 28 to 30 days like i feel like that's something that should happen for sure i just don't understand how we could go through all these like emotional changes and we're not killing people it's weird yeah should be more female serial killers there should be there's just too many things especially there should be um like a black woman serial killer it's for all the shit that like goes down for us and then there'll be another slavery movie that drops they should be killing right around that time is it true they were thinking about julia roberts for the role of harriet tubman can we discuss oh my god that's aaron brockovich you work for commission don't you huge yeah and

they said that like uh the the producers of that film were like oh that was so long ago people don't even remember what like harriet tubman looks like and that's the funny thing is the funny we don't know what harriet looks like it's like we could just put julia roberts in this yeah but honestly if harriet tubman looked like fucking julia roberts she would already be on the 20 dollar bill oh okay that's not where i thought you was gonna take that but i think okay that That was a ride, right? That was a ride. I don't know where she was going to end, but yes, you're right.

If Harriet Tubman was white, we wouldn't even be able to exist. If Harriet Tubman was white, Harriet Tubman wouldn't exist. Let's talk about that. Harriet Tubman, a white woman in civil rights era time or whatever. No, slavery. Slavery times. It's not going to sacrifice a life. You said civil rights.

Well, you know, it is civil rights. Imagine. Our liberties, you know. But if no white woman in slavery times was going to stick her neck out for anybody. Well, they were. They were out there. the way Harriet was doing it? I mean, maybe not.

Like on the front line? I mean, they were front line and all right. I mean, please. Okay, Sidney, yes, there were some white ladies banging black dudes during slavery,

but that's not the same as what Harriet was doing. They were banging black dudes and then pretending that they got raped. It was, oh, actually, you're right. They're like,

did it? Yeah. Okay. He touched my wrist. Yeah. Speaking of wrists, our motherfucking guests, wrists are not ashy today and I'm so

proud of you oh is that something that usually be happening I didn't know that that was I thought you were gonna go with like the limp wrist no I also thought you were gonna do a gay thing no I was not I don't know that have you been have my wrists been ashy before yes they have friend I can't confirm or deny I don't know

I've seen your wrists let's go through your insta stories he has been here before he was our friend expert he's back back back back back back he was our friend expert he is still our friend But now First of all He's wearing a good

Christian gay shirt Merch So merch And I'm straight And he's straight He's an ally He's a comedian He performs everywhere

We love him We love him so dearly He is our Hood rat expert Yes Give it up for Alex English Hi friends

I will say Number one I have notes Oh yes Oh work notes Yes yes White women Were definitely

Sticking their neck Out for black women It was just for that dick and I'm sorry about your period Sydney. It's really making it uncomfortable for me to drink my beet juice now.

Yeah. Yes beet juice. Can't quite sip this the same way knowing this now. Yeah but unfortunately you're drinking. And I live in Bed-Stuy. I got this juice from Bed-Stuy down the street. He said yikes. Yeah but you're drinking a bodega juice.

It's not the same. This is pure green. That's a store. That's a store That's a store friend It says Proud support of local And organic farms It's a bodega store

Non-GMO Beet, carrot, apple, lemon, ginger Beet Beans, greens, tomatoes You name it I'm so glad It is the season For that song to come back

I'm so happy That song is coming back now The way like Mariah comes back For Christmas Yes Every Thanksgiving Like she Like that lady comes

I forget what her name is I also forgot what her I don't think I should know I didn't know she had a name wow you race you race black women nobody knew her name stop it we just knew the meme fuck you it wasn't like pastor shirley caesar that was her name shirley caesar um alex you from detroit let's talk about that so you definitely know what hood rats do i am i am one i mean i wouldn't even

say that i'm a reformed hood rat you know like i ate hot cheetos for dinner last night before i went to bed that's just poverty oh is it which is crazy because you have money i don't have the evidence like i washed my hands but i'm drinking a beet juice this morning so i'm a refined hood right you know like i'm a bird but i'm like a peacock like a really nice i wouldn't with the thing that come up i was just gonna say he was a white pigeon that's it a dove why would I be

that's a dove a dove a dove is a white pigeon that's what a dove is a dove is a white pigeon well they did release doves at Aaliyah's funeral so

were you there no I didn't live in New York you said it like you were like oh yeah one of the doves I remember when they

I remember when they they had the they showed it on TV what if one of those I didn't watch it what if one of those doves got hit by like a plane wouldn't that be crazy

oh my god that's why you have to be so dark have you never seen like they try to like release doves or something at a a wedding or a magician dress and the duck you know some of them be dead you cram a bunch of that makes me laugh that's hilarious something about a bird birds die so dramatically they do because they always and i feel like they make you know what i mean like it's just like they sound like drag queens

What birds are in Bed-Stuy by you? Giraffe queen birds Birds in Bed-Stuy don't die In fact they don't The birds in New York The pigeons they walk around And you can walk next to them And they like excuse you

They don't move They might speed up a little bit and do that neck thing That fake Let me get out your way Speaking of birds that don't die You were in Detroit and you made it out You were alive we're so glad Yeah, to be here with us.

Well, she had an extra 20 minutes to get that together. Ooh! Stop, you're being so mean. I'm not being mean! I'm just calling back the fact that I was living. How is that being mean? She had 20 minutes. I will burn this building down.

Hey, stop. Let's drop. No, no, no. Okay, that's the last. That's not going to be the last. You know I'm going to say it again. I did make it. I made it out alive by the skin of my teeth that I left.

Through comedy, too. through comedy yeah I haven't had have I had a fight in New York yet no yet you talk a lot of shit

though you should have you do talk a lot of shit whoa well that's not true necessarily because remember

he's very nice in that you said that he was running for mayor well now he is because he's got a podcast that's about to come out with National Lampoon

and Forever Dog Forever Dog Network he's found Forever Dog Network December 19th oh look at that plug well we don't know

when this episode is coming out well I made an interview before December 19th, I'm sure. Will it? We don't know. We don't know. Yeah, there we go.

We'll think about it. We'll figure it out. Y'all was over here discussing if y'all had episodes to air. No, no, no, no, no. Sit. That's why I'm like, y'all got all these vaults of content.

Okay, I want, wait, stay in your lane. Stay, stay in your lane, hood rat. Ah, Detroit, don't do that to us. It's coming out. The hood rat is coming out. Can you act like a guest? Can you? Don't act like this is your home, sir.

Let me sit my period. is this where National Lampoon records no okay calm down where do they record well we recorded in a very nice studio

in Dumbo in Dumbo Dumbo in Dumbo okay so why we not in Dumbo in Zumbo in Zumbo

in Zumbo y'all be in Zumbo that's where I was at we be in Zumbo but we were only there for like a week though you know okay well we've been here

for how long five weeks of writing one week of we've been here for how long over a year I feel like it's been a year we're getting a new studio soon partner let me upgrade it's gonna be two doors down it's gonna be upstairs we will have one

more window one dime i love that for us i do alex alex what is a hood rat like in your opinion you see a hood rat what is that i think it lives beyond the noun i think hood rat is a lifestyle it is it is um it is a way of being um it's a culture and it doesn't have to be a lot of people uh associate hood rat with negativity and it's just not so there are plenty of hood rats i gotta go give me a give me an example of a dignified you need a hood rat you need a hood rat in your life you know if you like hood rats always have lighters hood rats you know somebody that needs you know that they stole from somebody else from someone else hood rats um are always that you can they're they're really great friends if you need somebody if you let's say you're not

a fighter you like somebody that's not gonna really argue with somebody your hood rat friend is gonna be there to be like do you need me to gather this bitch i will i will i ain't got no edges i'm ready to rest it all edges already but some hood rats got edges too you know what i mean like hood rat is a diverse it's probably one of the most diverse groups talk about of individuals because there's so many there's edges and edgeless go off

big dick small dick hood rats big titty little titty hood rats everybody kind of long nails short nails are they wearing

short nails now well just people who don't have nails on they bite them off long thick Puerto Rican and Asian you know what I mean like all of that

there's hood rats that match the belt to the shirt they color coordinated and I mean I used to be you know I used to be

like before this gay shit before this comedy shit before I like arrived i was you know i was out here like bad like yeah you're a bad kid i used to talk i mean i was really out in these streets like fucking it up like you were fighting yeah talking shit to people getting in fights in clubs talk about your best fight ever oh that's right well i'll i'll say this the best fight was one that i actually lost what and i'll say it was the best because i learned a

lesson from me yeah that you can't fight no it wasn't that listen here's the thing i'm the type a person if i lose a fight i will admit it but i would just as quickly say i i beat that person's ass like but this in this case i had an ex of mine who i was in college at the time and we we were together but i was at school and he was back in detroit and he was in the ballroom scene like your pole you were gay in high school he was i was i was gay but not you know not publicly he was gay but but you know you think nobody knew i mean come on now yeah i mean i'm just you know sometimes i'll be asking my gay friends and they'll be like nobody knew no like that's that's that's being in denial like you go to a prom with a woman well i mean she wasn't a woman

then but yeah but she's a woman now but yes i did i haven't had a girl wait see i'm i'm 30 so i don't live i'm not a gen z really you look 45 wow that's that period talking here let me see that birth certificate i don't come from like you know now let's see your papers nowadays these gays you know these young these young gays you know they can go to prom with their boyfriend and they trans girl and all that they can do whatever and i'm all for it but you know i i didn't live in that time you know you couldn't be walking around i'm going to prom with mike no i'm going to michael why is it always a mike dewan deandre like no you're gonna go to You're going with Fakwanda.

You're going with Ronda, Jessica, Keisha. You're going to go with one of them. Ronda. At my school, you needed a doctor's note to go if you were a gay couple going to a school dance. A doctor's note? A doctor's note. What did the doctor's note have to say? Was it after conversion therapy or something?

I don't know what they were looking for exactly. I feel like they were just like, no. They were trying to electroshock you. I don't understand what the doctor's note needed to say. Dr. Stevenson I have a dick and I suck it as well Give Micah the right to go out With Micah and Mike

Yeah I don't know what they wanted And what was the What did the appointment consist of Like an anal exam or something Are you a doctor I mean in some cases Doctor English I've had an exam or two

But you asked my best fight So my boyfriend at the time, we were cheating on each other constantly. But the difference was I would keep my hoes in check. They wasn't approaching him with no shit. You, Alex, was keeping hoes in check? I was. Weren't you like five, six? I had niggas.

Wow, this period is smooth. Wow, cunt is in the office. It was you and Marie going at it like Thanksgiving dinner. I got hit with the crossfire. I think when Sydney be hangry and she want period, woo. Eat that nectarine or whatever that is. You don't even know what a fucking nectarine is. Nectarine, tangerine.

Have we had this discussion before? I don't fucking know. It's all an orange. Alex thinks a nectarine is an orange. It's all a fucking orange to me. It's citrus. Eat your citrus. A nectarine is more a peach, friend.

You're such a hood rat. Eat your citrus, nigga. And you un-kill it all the way and then put it on the bare table. Yeah, but Sydney's gross. Yeah, Sydney a hood rat too. Sydney acting like she not a hood rat too. you almost burned your family's house down

is that a hood rat that could be a white that could be a white child well white kids can be hood rats too we just don't talk about it I didn't go to jail after either

she's a white woman oh have you well not not federal prison just like holding self overnight oh me too

me too oh yeah that did happen to you look at these criminals yeah but mine was a little more mine was a little more wait hold on

so you your hood rats your hoes you keep them in check we keep them in check but he every time i would come home and like hang out with him and go to like a club or a party whatever i would always be like met with some sort of negativity from some other motherfucker that he was fucking so this one particular night this dude was just all in my face like trying to agitate me

and i was ignoring it but i made the mistake of walking out of the club alone my friends were uh still inside and i left and so i'm walking out and the guy follows me out into the parking lot and just like you know talking talking talking and so saying saying what type of stuff just calling me all out of my name and saying why are you here telling me all of what he did with my boyfriend and i'm just like oh my god this is exhausting i don't even want to do this what were you wearing i don't remember were you wearing a look yeah like what did you look good this is like if somebody thousand this was like 2009 2010 i don't know so you had on a tall t probably yeah probably like

an Air Force One we got on the black Air Force One give me two burps so so I can get

the stomp in he was a member of like a house like the like the like Vogue so when you're in that when you're in that scene

you know there are so many people that he's interacting with that I don't know that have a problem with me so then him and the boy that had a problem

with me and then their like transgender like friend were like in my face And so as wild as the argument got, I was young and very transphobic.

So I was telling homegirl. Because at first I was like, what does it matter that the friend is trans? I was telling homegirl what all was wrong with her tuck and calling her all other names that I'm not going to repeat. Right, right. It's a family podcast. It's a family oriented show. And so she punches me right in the eye. Which, I guess you deserved.

But I didn't fall, and so I'm swinging now on both a transgender woman and the boy that initiated the whole thing. Well, now, what were they wearing? Do you remember? I mean, it was all tacky, you know what I mean? Okay, so Charlotte Roos. If the heat comes on, just know, if y'all get the heat, I was here, I don't know nothing. My name is Bennett, and I ain't in it. No, I got a lot of love. I got a lot of love for them now, especially after that fight.

I mean, everybody should get punched in the face at least one time. I disagree. I mean, as a hood rat, you know, if you get hit in the face, you learn a lesson. And that's how I learned my lesson. So did any injuries happen? Did you, like, lose anything? Oh, I got a...

You got to show us a scar on your back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not on my back. It's on my... This is actually a reminder to respect people. Oh, you got a boo-boo? See, here's the thing. This is the thing.

Even though I wasn't... Again, I was the one being attacked. Do you understand? Like, I wasn't, like, trying to fight anybody. see I'm the kind of hood right people always got something to say to me but then nobody notices until you respond so now I'm like

oh now I'm the one wrong because I called her all kind of names she was barking all in my face calling me out of my name but you like you doubled down and you were attacking the person who was transgendered first cause she was attacking me too he said she was attacking him first

and they jumped me so they ended up jumping me I mean I would have talked to the dudes first i would have hit no i was coming at whoever see this was back in my wild time i was i was going after whoever was against me right so yeah the devil the devil and the god be working together but you know who was the devil in that scenario uh the devil because they jumped you but god because it was like you know you shouldn't have been talking about trans i mean i had my i had my aha moment you know so talk about how you got to jail when did why did you go to jail okay so

this was in college still college okay wait did you break up with that dude yeah we did of course after you get jumped

when you get jumped nobody wants to be with you after that I don't know maybe the dick was cute I don't know it seemed like it was good it was cute

but not worth constantly having to fight people there are so many dicks in the world and he broke up with you so many dicks in the scene so many asses I think it was an amicable

just like a mutual he broke up with you you got your ass beat he's not you don't want that no more he was like you know what you're not really my type

my guy I want somebody who know how to fight all three of them all three of y'all wow okay so i was in um i was in college and uh there was like this party that was happening jungle juice and we were pre-gaming before the party and what was drinking choice well this was back when i was drinking vodka um so you were drinking i mean it was college you know i mean so we was drinking more like everclear and shit like that Can you say vodka again?

Vodka? Yeah. No, before you said it, you was like, vodka. What? He said it like vodka. Drink your tea. He said it very good, Rat. That's what I see.

Vodka. Vodka. Vodka. Vodka? Vodka. Yo, I was drinking vodka and Henny. Yes. And I was like, where the apple juice is at?

And they was like, we don't have juice here, sis. Vodka. Vodka, yes. That's what I mean. Thank you. At the pregame, though, somebody had spilled like a bunch of it on me. so that's this is to set this but it's vodka it's clear this is to set this up though so we get to the party and it's packed it's so many fucking people and security it's so many people trying

to get in also people that are already in the party um that security is not letting anyone in they're also not letting anyone out for some reason that's a fire hazard i was just about to say so i had to pee really really badly and you were outside they were not allowing me to leave the party so this party was uh so my college was in a small town in michigan it's in central michigan so the uh there's like the campus and then there's the casino there's the kids are casino at the in the city school no not at the school but it's in the city it's near the school so i it's and it sits on an indian reservation what so so this is okay so okay so the so the parties took place there so i go into like this random like i see a door that security is not in

charge of so i walk into thinking that it's like maybe i can get somewhere out like you're trying to amanda seals the party but yes you sneak in wow i see i see a water bottle sitting oh so i i did you peed in a water i peed in a water bottle in the closet of a party at a casino on an Indian reservation. How ironic. So what I did not know was that there was another door in which a staff member

from the casino could see me. Literally, as I'm finishing peeing, I feel a hand on my shoulder. It is the Mount Isabella County Police. So I'm like... How did the cops get there so quickly? He's trying to... Because they have cops at the casino.

On site. Right. And so they... I'm like, okay. I understand that I'm probably getting ready to be in trouble but can you at least let me finish pink right he had his hand on my shoulder as if i was supposed to just like drop everything you're like i didn't do my kegels and everything today let me finish so i shook and i was like all right i'll go and so i it was like

a it was like a dressy type of thing so i had on a bow tie a red bow tie with like slacks and a shirt a bow tie on your dick dress shirts so you look like one of them nation of islam's niggas but i got handcuffed and arrested and escorted out of the kitchen you put your dick away yes but in front like they they they they escorted me out in front of the line of people all of my friends people from school that were waiting to get into the party so everybody saw me getting arrested yikes well at least they could call your lawyer and so i mean that's street cred i ain't had no lawyer i spent i spent 12 11 12 hours in the hotel overnight worst day of my life was it your birthday no it was not my birthday it was the it was like the beginning of the school and i was

like graduating the semester after that so i was like scared that i was gonna like stay there forever and like not gonna graduate and like but my friends i had friends at school who like got together and stole things and put money together stole things sold oh i was in order to bail me how much was bail was like 350 dollars well that's nothing yeah but in college i mean college that's everything what are you saying that's like how many swipes that's like how many lunch swipes I remember being poor in college That's $350 I worked

I had like three jobs Look at Sydney Hold on Sydney what year did you graduate from college Who was the administration No that's not what I'm not saying Cause she's old Sydney what year did you graduate

Oh Is it N slash A That's funny that you guys graduated And doing the same damn thing that I'm doing We're all in the same room bitch Yes but one of us is drinking a green juice I mean I have a bachelors degree Bachelors

Doing what with it? Not a damn thing I'm on the National Lampoon Radio Hour Podcast My bachelors is hanging in my one bedroom apartment That I live in by myself You know I haven't framed my mind Mine's at my mom's house Mine is still sitting in the envelope that it came in

I mean just tape the envelope to the wall it's honestly nobody cares nobody reads the diploma i mean that's what i graduated in 2007 that's when i graduated city you graduated class of 07 2007 that's when i graduated high school sis wow what that's when i graduated high school oh that's before my time i graduated high school damn how old are you alex i'm a full 30 years old and i'll be 31 you know what my birthday is my birthday is next month oh what's the date december 16th okay i'm gonna put that in my phone I'm a true Sagittarius well sir

nobody could tell the difference well actually they could tell the difference because I look younger than you and we're both missing a tooth so there's that I mean I can't wait to go to Costa Rica that's Costa Rica to get your dentistry done dentistry

so that is hood rat that is hood rat certified you need to do the research it's the cheapest dental like cosmetic surgery but now

why do you want the cheap now what's the cheapest let's talk about it but they know how to it's cheap in that it's like $6,000

as opposed to like you know whatever it will cost here yo why are teeth so expensive okay hold on how much is it to get

I mean it depends on the surgeon like the doctor that you go to have you checked yeah but I've seen I've seen different

like prices since there's a Pinterest board for this but it's like $5,000 to $6,000 and it's like these people

these people even though it's like less expensive than it is here they're like I've seen pictures before and after whatever like it's really really nice work that they do right okay and it's Costa Rica my nigga

like shit you don't wanna go Costa Rica my nigga you don't wanna get your teeth fixed under like drinking a mojito you don't wanna be tan getting your teeth fixed you don't want your titties out while getting your teeth fixed no Alex how did you lose your tooth

cause my I lost my tooth because I ate a granola bar I used to have braces Sydney that's not How to shell out your face I know exactly You had a cavity Yeah

I know exactly What happened to mine You blaming Kashi Golene for this Yeah I am Well I know When I had braces

For a long time And so I had this big This like This one On this specific tooth There was like A ring Like a silver ring

That my braces Were held on And it was It was I was always in pain But I would never say anything because you thought to my dentist to feel like right and so i think it had an effect on that tooth detroit dental right there i mean but i mean when i got my braces up my teeth were

so fucking straight but then i didn't wear my retainer so they started shifting see i wear my retainer still no every night i just i'm just i'm just gonna tell them look here's the money i want a whole new mouth just me too take it out like a whole new mouth you can you can change the lips too just take everything the whole bottom half of my face just knock it out and bring i want a whole new jaw just give me i mean yeah the beard is not all the way full that's my choice though my choice i don't like having a whole lot of hair on my face like that well that's something that people say that can't grow full beards there's that shod you said i was mean i'm being really i'm being picked apart up here by my

friends well we have to lift you up and bring you down that's what we do here i mean i mean but a hood rat can't take that okay but now i've been beat up in my life okay but now what's a hood rat like female look like to you because you okay you know because when i think hood rat i think women baby fat coat okay uh boots with the fur with the balls hanging off the side uh uh let's see let's see uh what type of jeans what type of jeans a stretch jean a stretch a j-lo or you know You know what it really is? Like a legging, just like a regular soft legging. A cotton legging, a Forever 21 legging.

Or, you know, hood rats. And this is genderless, but, you know, we do love a high-top Air Force One. Or a Jordan, a Jordan sneaker. A Jordan is a hood rat. Which are not comfortable sneakers at all. Jordans? Yeah, they don't feel good. Alex?

I mean, are you wearing the right size, sis? Well, I want a kid. You're trying to get your hood rats, you're wearing kids. You're definitely five and a half youth young boys. But yeah, I used to rock like Fat Farm, oversized jeans and stuff and jerseys, throwback jerseys, put it on backwards. That was the kind of hood right I was, you know. With a sweatband. With a sweatband.

I used to have the full Allen Iverson fit, like the Allen Iverson jersey with the sneakers, with the socks, with the headband and couldn't like shoot the ball to save my life. Did you ever have cornrows? I tried, but my mama really wasn't having that. she was like you not about to like be out here wearing full blown Dickies outfits and cornrows like you in prison like that's not about to happen that's not about to happen so my dad because my dad was in jail so

everything anything that looked like prison to her was like you not getting ready to follow what's your mother's name Capri Capri that is generational hood ratness Capri really nobody like a Capri son

it's like the island nah Actually, my mother is the furthest thing from a hood rat. My auntie is the complete opposite. They are like night and day. Right. Well, that's what happens when a hood rat. There's two roads.

My mother is like Regine Hunter. She's from the hood, but she is like bougie. Like hood bougie. I love that her name is Capri. She is hood bougie. She like goes to church every Sunday. She works in the church. She's an AKA.

Sister Capri? Yeah. Like I'm serious Like that's the kind of life My auntie on the other hand Is like What's her name Okay

Kiata Kiata Kiata Kiata and Capri Obsessed with Kiata Yo Kiata is And she's the baby Kiata

And she's the baby Of like all So she's allowed to be a hoodrat My mother's the second oldest of six That sounds like a drink Yo What's her name Kiata

Kiata Let me get a Kiata on a rock Kiata Can I get my Kiata with a little a dirty Kiata what would that

drink be because my auntie she drinks she drinks she drinks tequila ah Kiata would drink she drinks tequila

I was gonna say she drinks E&J I mean I would say maybe she has Harvey's Bristol Cream nah she ain't she ain't that deep she ain't that deep

I don't even know what that is right now see I don't know what that is either I don't even know what that is

yeah my mother used to drink that oh okay yeah she would drink that and smoke Larks Larks

Larks cigarettes that sound like something Kiata would smoke yeah no my auntie my auntie oh she smoked weed she ain't smoked cigarettes she didn't smoke black and miles nah she smoked weed yeah that's cool i used to chill with my auntie like it was so funny

like she would babysit me so like when i was like younger i would like be hanging out with all of her like home girls like in the neighborhood because like my grandmother lived on this block where everybody kind of just knew my grandmother so my aunt would always be over there she used to live my aunt used to live next door to my grandmother so i don't know if i could live next door to my mom well it was a different like i wouldn't she well it was it was good for us because she had my cousin before she had her second child. It was me and my

cousin, so we would always be at my grandmother's house over the weekend. Now, what's grandma's name? Helen. Helen named her daughter Kiata and Capri. I like Helen. Helen is a good grandma. Yeah, my grandmother was not to be fucked with, though. She would cuss. Yeah, I get some of that

from her, though. Shit talking. My grandma would. Was Helen heavyset? She was little. She was little, but like typical granny side. she wasn't like big she wasn't like overweight but she was just like you know did helen have a gun because in my mind helen had a gun in the house for protection in detroit honestly helen didn't need a gun her her her mouth was lethal like i will never forgive me like an infamous helen line oh oh oh classic helen i don't have like a line specifically but i can tell you this

what she was famously known for amongst all of my friends in that neighborhood so one day um the ice cream truck was like coming down the street and so she gave me like a ten dollar bill and i was like i was like seven or eight years old so she gave me ten years she gave me like a ten dollar bill go to the ice cream truck i come back with my ice cream and the incorrect change did the the uh the jib you big big perm big worm he sure did um gave my granny the change and she was like this is not the right change though what he's dumb though because you don't just stay there if you gonna jip somebody out their money you know you just well he probably couldn't really count the change well anyway you know maybe he was trying to jib well he just couldn't he was

still there and my grandmother sure enough came out there and custom smoothed the fuck out in front of every single kid that i played with on that block what did she say you motherfucker this and how dare you that and i'm gonna kick your motherfucking ass i'll make sure you don't you ever drive down this fucking block anymore i will make sure to murder your ass like she was like threatening him full-blown come down this block no more cut that damn music off too and so every time every time my friends they bring it up all the time remember miss helen cussed out that ice cream truck the who for you and i was like yeah but then what happened was she told my mama that i got like cheated out of my change and my mom was mad because she thought that i was like slacking

on math and so but so what they did no what they did was they sat me down at the table and like put all these math problems in front of me money math problems and i had to sit there for like 10 minutes but i was being quiet because i'm like they don't know that i hadn't started learning this in school yet you said you was eight yeah well i i didn't learn what they're doing over there in detroit i wasn't doing i wasn't doing i wasn't really good at doing money math yet you know what i mean it's so cold in the d that should have got you a little abacus and been like eventually i said that to them and they were like okay get up and go off back outside damn yeah that's crazy because I feel like Helen should have said something.

There could have been something, like my grandmother, she wasn't a hood rat, but you definitely know that she been through it because she would call everybody, "'You old fool, you, I hope the Lord strike you dead.'" Like that's what you would do all day. That's her voice. Yeah, that was exactly her.

You old fool, you. She sounded like she was putting a hex on people. I hope the Lord strike you dead. She had a mole on her nose and a crooked witch finger. Oh yes, the finger was very crooked. My grandmother was a thug. She just would tell you how she felt, like, immediately. She'd tell you how she felt.

But she was also just, like, very well liked amongst a lot of people because, like, she got the hookup with everything. I feel like hood rats are good with a hookup. She had the hookup. She always had free cable. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure it was illegal, but the Playboy channel, I was watching all the time because it was just available.

Okay, so you was watching Playboy, but you wasn't doing math. See, that's where you fucked up. That's why you gay. that's exactly why your ass i mean i was watching straight porn so really what is it like i don't know after you watch enough straight porn you're like well i don't want to do none of that i don't want to do that man yeah women are gross yeah exactly that place is soaked she peeing all over that man i gotta go but she would send me like i was buying her cigarettes at like seven like i would go to the store she would send me with a note and she would be like you know send this to

the you know to the arab dude at the store down the street and like he'll handle it so i'll be picking up her pepsi and her cigarettes and then she her larks yep and she would i would get a box of cereal so that was always the list that was it pepsi cereal cigarettes yeah cereal was for me yeah yeah fruity pebbles i feel like something like that like something yeah i was usually no was i i was more of a cocoa pebbles kind of motherfucker because like pebbles because it was because the milk would turn into chocolate milk well i was a cocoa puffs house not a cocoa pebbles my mama didn't really let me eat a whole lot my grandmother let me kind of run free my My mama was always like, we're getting Honey Nut Cheerios, and that's it.

Corn Flakes, it. Plain Corn Flakes, and that's it. Corn Flakes and regular Cheerios is what was at my house. That's two and two. That's all Corn Flakes. All people's cereal. Were you on punishment? No.

That's just what they would. Everybody had diabetes. I at least got Cinnamon Toast Crunch every now and again. Nobody could have sugar. Oh, y'all had diabetes? Everybody had diabetes. Yo, I used to drink hot sauce. That's another hood right there.

What? Alex. I used to drink hot sauce. Why you wait so long to tell us that? You talking about Cindy's period beet juice. You was drinking hot sauce I used to drink hot sauce When I was a kid

It was good No No That sounds like You needed a hug My friend What brand hot sauce Well that's why

Your braces That's why your braces Was too tight You was drinking hot sauce Frank Ooh ooh And Red Hot Red Hot's really good

Frank's very hot Oh did you used to drink Hot sauce too No no no I would put a hot sauce On popcorn Was y'all I mean was y'all

Was y'all left at home Alone Like I had siblings So my mom would leave us Like and run out And do errands Were you left at home alone

They wouldn't No I was not a latchkey kid I was a latchkey kid Are you an only child? Yes So oh another hood So I was really a hood rat

This is see okay Okay we're excited about this This one time during latchkey I had this best friend she was also my first kiss Evie Another hood rat This is interesting though because I used to live In Ypsilanti Michigan for like

Two and a half years It's where University of Michigan is It's also where Eastern Michigan is How close to 8 miles is that? It's not anywhere near Detroit It's like 45 minutes away from Detroit But my mother was going back to school And so we lived there for a period of time

But it's a very diverse place Nobody knows where that is I'm telling y'all what the fuck it is We're trying to tell you nobody cares We don't need the coordinates Okay, come on It's a very diverse place So I was coming from Detroit very young and living there with all these, like, white kids, Indian kids.

This was my first time being exposed to those kind of kids. Okay. Indian or Native American? Evie was mixed. She was black and white. Evie was mixed and was my friend. My first kiss and everything. Okay, so like a black man, your first kiss was a mixed black woman.

Well, I mean, you can see why, obviously, from this conversation. Heard you. She was a bit more quiet. Oh okay You trying to say that You trying to say that They more submissive Pure black women

Are just loud They be loud Pure Uncut Loud Mean Black women I don't know what you're talking about

Your mama is a black woman Okay Helen is a black woman Keiata Black woman Okay So anyway No black women

Have always been there for me You kissing your little Swirly ass Paula Payne So you making out with Paula She had a black mama White daddy Sure

Good for her Yeah Okay Yeah But so at Latchkey once uh she wouldn't let me like copy off of like a drawing that she was drawing and um so i was mad about that and i wrote on a piece of paper and gave it to her i wrote b-i-c-h and i gave it to her so you can do math and so the last key teacher was like the last teacher pulling me inside it was

like sure is dumb this is pretty close i'm telling you right now wow but i was like how was i how was that i was like second i was like second or third grade yeah how old were you bro i feel like seven eight that's around the time you got gypped on that change too they should have sat you down and read you some books i know how to read damn marie pull out a book oh you'll hear you'll hear how good I can read on the National Lampoon Radio Hour podcast. Plug. Plug. Plug. We love. I can read my ass off. I wasn't worried or nothing. Always be

plugging. Yeah. Now let's go ahead and read what's next to the 16 right here for me. Okay. Give it up. Give us a 16. Let's hear a hood red read. Is this a fucking Bible? Yeah. And they said unto him, behold now this dick. This dick? That's not in the Bible. Give me that.

Oh yeah. That's right there in 1 Kings. 1 Kings 3 verse 16. You is a beach You is a beach A beach A beach So that was some hood

That was some hood rat shit So Speaking of You know More hood rat Things So I feel like Hood rats have the best

Pussy What Dick The best pussy Like they sex game is tight Right They get what they want I don't think that's true

Well I have something I have something They slob on it I have something You know that Like Like that I did lose my

straight virginity to her right oh i lost my straight virginity she took it talk about no no no she no well so this is what happened i lost my virginity wait marie did you insinuate that he was he got molested she took it we were the same age so did you give it or did she take it well this is what happened okay it was in the basement of the projects of where my family definitely took she took it gave it back and then took it again this is what happened like i sat on the couch and she got on top i don't i'm like 16 i don't know what the fuck i'm doing what did i say sydney what did i say you want to tell this story but then my cousins all of my male cousins and my friends that i was hanging out with that summer all bum rushed downstairs to the basement and

like turned the light on and she was like it like it like scarred me it's scarred wait wait wait wait so she was riding you and they came they came downstairs what's happening they knew what They were like, don't worry, we're not going to fuck with you. They were like saying, don't worry, we're not going to fuck with you. Go ahead and do your thing. And then they almost immediately came downstairs. So they stopped you from getting sexually assaulted? I wasn't being assaulted.

We were having sex. Alex, show us on this beet juice where she touched you. Are you sure? We were the same age and we were both willing participants. But you didn't know what you were doing. No. I mean, obviously, he was a virgin. You didn't know what you were doing.

You didn't know what she was doing. She sure did. So you didn't know what you were doing. So that is sexual assault. It sounded consensual. It's very consensual. I don't know what the hell these two people are trying to do.

He could not read or write. He couldn't read the sign. Yeah, she's saying that you special. You needed an aide to say you were okay with what was happening. I was okay with it. I just wasn't okay with my cousins all storming down the stairs

and turning their lights on. Was she naked? Or she just took her pants off? She had her bra on still. Oh, that's hood rat. That's hood rat tendencies right there. We never take our bras off. She had her 525 Victoria's Secret bra on.

her Joe Boxer bra where the bra straps dirty they love a dirty bra strap a dirty bra strap especially in the summer time they have those maxi dresses and then dirty bra straps and then no panties

I'll tell you the name when we come off I mean don't mean the name we can cut it was it Megan the Italian well it's a nickname it's actually a nickname

so I guess that doesn't count yeah what is it what's the nickname Shay Shay Shay Shay Shay Shay definitely took it Shay Shay wasn't a virgin in that basement

Shay Shay been banging since she was 12 Yeah that wasn't her first rodeo Shay Shay's one of Bebe's kids Yeah I lost my virginity in the project basement My straight virginity My gay virginity a lot more dignity Okay let's talk about it You were on a bed there were sheets on it

My parents home When my parents were gone In my bedroom You cut school? I did cut school how did you know? Cause I could tell by the way that you can't do math or read That you wasn't going to school It's not even worth it.

You wasn't even going to school. Wow. Wait, so you- I was in high school, yeah. You had your own room. My parents were taking a trip to Chicago, and I was driving to school at this point. Okay, school's good. They were like, you can take yourself to school, but of course I didn't go.

I was like 16. So wait, you lost your straight virginity at 16 and your gay virginity at 16. I want to say maybe- That was a crazy year for you, bro. It was like that 15, 16- The summer of 69. The girl, she was like, that was like 15, maybe. 15, then I was 16 the next year for that.

so you waited a year to be gay because she was because she was traumatized by sex shit I had to get that woman off of me ugh

like yeah okay time to try me I didn't know that you had had sex with a woman that is yes I did she wasn't the only one

that I I had sex with a woman in college too oh how was that after you had had two it was fine yeah it was fine

wait were you bottoming the first time or topping I'm gonna say he was he got bottomed I think we did I think I did both

actually we were both like kind of just flip-flopping that's nasty no that's not Sydney I can't say that that's not my type but you can

you can be you can be homophobic and racist that is homophobic and racist yeah that's homophobic racist and homophobic

but homophobic goes first cause that's you know but that's just who I I'm versed are you guys are you guys wiping off the penises like what's going on

who's wiping off anything during sex wiping off the penises what you can tell you ain't had sex with a man in a long time where do you think

and i'm proud of that she's been deep in these i'll take that she's been deep in these lesbian waters for a minute i love it and i love it she's drowning in them gay ass water yeah she's rolling in the deep okay honey i don't need no floaties as a lesbian not only is she full time she got a pension now okay she's on the board of gays christian gay honey ceo incorporated no yeah no i've always been like that i haven't been just like one position i don't have like a favorite anything and yet look at andrew andrew you are just one position i know just one and that's good that's good for some people i had a moment i had a no i mean like one position in sex yeah yeah like he only likes the one yeah i mean i had i had a moment i had a moment in time clear

yes i'm only a bottom yeah no i was just saying that he only likes missionary just the one position but there are some people who lie there are some people who are like I'm a top Andrew is Alex your type because you said you like dusty blacks oh I'm dusty but I got your merch on I got your merch on man I got this dusty merch on

that was a Sydney Washington original if you had Ibraheel on I would have said something else but yikes i love this podcast too much it's so stupid it's the dumbest thing oh my god no i mean a lot of people lie though about being like they'll say i'm a top or they'll say like i'm a verse top it's like no nigga you bottom me i don't claim i'm like i do whatever i need to do for the person that i'm with that's how i've always been selfless that's how i've always been

Because, I mean, I like it either way. But other people. You're very in touch with your sexuality. Well, I mean, I am a hoe, friend. You're very in touch with your butt? When I was living in Harlem, I heard that the dudes up there is very beautiful. But this was, you know, I've been living in Brooklyn for like three, four years now. Right.

So you're not hoeing anymore. You put your hoe cloak up. It's still a hoe. I'm doing more dating than just like outright sex now. like when i first got here i was like because i used to live by like in harlem by this club this gay club and so i wouldn't go i would like be like on the app and see niggas like nearby i'm like oh you must be at the club i'm like yeah i'm like are you here i'm like no i'm in my bed they're like well why you not the club i'm like i don't need the club i'm like i can bring the

club to my house so he was like how often are you changing your dirty ass sheets let's talk about it i have multiple i have a lot of bed yes but when you had when you was in harlem how i have a lot my family would my mom always like sends me like bedding and stuff like that i never know you a ho shout out to capri out here doing the lord's work no i i change my sheets how often maybe like every two weeks andrew how often you changing your sheets in two weeks sounds right yeah maybe even sooner than the comforter the comforter not so much the duvet the the yeah but like this but the but the uh fitted sheet yeah yeah we we were cleaning and the loose sheet is the other sheet called a loose sheet i don't it's just a sheet i just i don't i don't use that i just i just do

the flat i do the flat and then i do the duvet with the cover on top so difficult oh okay i don't do i don't do the flat sheet i don't really make my bed as much as i should though but you change your sheets every two weeks but i don't make my bed yeah you just gotta pull that top sheet the top sheet but everything else be you know but i do i do like when company's coming over like because i'm not junkie i just have a lot of clothes everywhere so it's not like trash and papers and garbage it's just like clothes so but when company come over i'll just like you know throw shit into the closet and like throw the sheet over just to make it look nice light a candle you know so the scent yeah your apartment looks cute in the insta stories you got a kitchen

and the living room and a hallway you got a nice you got a washer and dryer no we i used to in my old building i had a washer and dryer in the basement but i mean it's not building but but where is this new building the laundry room is right it's actually like right around the corner from no no the place that you always that you see when i get dropped off and we in the car together That's where I live now Yeah but I used to live In another place Around a corner

That had a place Wait did The one that I went to That had the long hallway Uh That was Temporary This conversation

Feels very niche What are we talking about Like yeah The listeners have no idea What this is talking about Yeah Okay Sidney just wants you to brag

About having a washer dryer I used to have one Yeah I want to quiz you On some stuff Oh lord Can we do that Oh wow

We haven't done that In a moment Sure Come on Buzzfeed out Come on Buzzfeed I wasn't ready for this But alright Also I'm gonna

try to answer some questions too. You can defer to me. I feel like there's always like a good hood rat lyric or what not that like bitches are screaming out at the club when it comes on. I have gotten into a fight during

Nuck If You Buck once. That's a song where you would fight. That's a song you would fight in. I wouldn't call her a hood rat but I feel like she has like a lot of hood rat anthems so I'm going to say this lyric and you tell me who it is okay um i got land in switzerland i even got sand in the maryland yeah yeah okay cool great that was uh i got land in switzerland

and that's a big that's a big mama thing right uh yes i used to be scared of the dick now i throw lips to the shit handle it like a real bitch had the hunter She only saw like a thousand albums With that new album she got Well nobody was waiting for that So she went wood You know I went to get a green juice In my neighborhood the other day

First of all they opened mad late And when I got there It was this big ass dude behind the counter That was making my avocado wrap And he said that he's Lil' Ken's bodyguard like security and i was like why are you making my spinach rap you must not be making that much money well i mean she only sold a thousand hours i have i have another lyric for you okay okay all right uh wow they're always talking about their money this i mean that's

what rap is vvs stones make it quick then slow head by the nightstand like lightning i want to i want a nigga with a wedding ring there's always one part of it and i'm like yo you did sing trina at karaoke i'm single again you know how they do how they act see you with another man now they want you back my ass still fat and they check it for me and never will you find another bitch like me what we had is like jay and beyonce hoodrats love comparing their raggedy love to jay-z and beyonce that is something that is a fact that's that's true that's factual actual i mean i always i

can just always appreciate southern i love southern hoodrats too like that twangy i like that like you know crime op the girls from crime i mean they're literally the only reason anybody knows that song oh nobody nobody knows the men no and crime rob no are you a barb no no no okay you were giving me like major barb no are you not effing with that at all no uh i i like nikki minaj but barbs are obnoxious people they are the most obnoxious most horrific people on the planet and they really they're fun you are you know sometimes you are what you stand for you know oh wow wow i'm just saying i'm just saying word on the street is nikki minaj is very difficult to work with she's not a nice person i went on a date with a barb i went on a date with

nikki minaj i went on a date i went on a date i didn't realize he was a barb until like he was like a white barb no and i had like made a joke about her at like during drinks and he like had to like take pause and i was like oh are you like and he's like i i'm like oh no this date is i'm glad it didn't work out i mean he might have had an understanding had it on as like this is like this is like last year and he was like so put off by my comments about her i was like i was just what did you say okay so so um last year i think you remember this because i had i had wrote this tweet about nikki minaj because her album had came out and it was at number two and so the tweet was like um um god god god uh finally uh god i wish i could remember

it was something about like finally nikki minaj fans have something that's number two that can go with their number two pencils oh she was selling book bags so she was like oh yeah a number something else number two besides pencils can go into their book bags and so it took off like the tweet like took off but all of the barbs like were in my comments like calling me or calling me a broke ass bryson tiller oh bryson tiller though that's it that's a compliment they said i look like a sloth i had to run down in my bio for like my job and shit like that and they were like that's why your fucking show got canceled you're not funny you're not famous i'm like that wasn't my show That's how slow they are

I got more lyrics for you Yes I'm ready for these Let's get it on MC's wanna eat me but it's Ramadan Peep me at the arm When it's ice it's ice When you're right you're right I'm right When you're wrong you're wrong I'm the bomb

What's the beat here? I don't know this one MC's wanna eat me like I'm ramen I mean it sounds like Nicki but No Let's get it on emcees want to eat me but it's ramadan peep me on the arm when it's ice it's ice when i'm right he's gonna write me emcees makes me feel like it's an older when you're wrong is this foxy

yes good for you as soon as marie said older i was like I'm like, that's not Cardi. Cardi's not saying MCs. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So I, another hood rat story. Love it. Relative to Foxy Brown. We got time.

Relative to Foxy Brown. So I was. Oh, what was her, what's her name? Oh, what is Foxy's real name? Oh, it's Inga. Inga. Inga. I saw Inga at a gay, at the same gay club that I used to pull dudes from at the apartment

that I lived around the corner from. uh i uh foxy brown was doing a performance there and she fell on stage and i was sitting i was when i tell you i was sitting right beside where there's a video of it on youtube of foxy brown falling on stage in new york city and i was sitting right there was this recent yo uh no this had to be like 2013 24 because she just got booed off stage recently she don't be having the best look at all poor thing but she fell off stage and so what was so crazy about that night it was gay pride so like the party was going on until like six or seven o'clock in the morning so we getting we all like letting out of the club and she's stumbling out of the club

and when i tell you her people had to redirect her she almost walked downstairs into the one train and they were like sis you live in jersey she had to be redirected to her car service like she was gonna take the train okay jesse Jussie Sommelette. What? Oh, that's a hood rat. That's a hood rat. Jussie Sommelette is a hood rat.

Sommelette. Sommelette. Juicy Sommelette. Sommelette. Well, anybody who eats Subway sandwiches is a hood rat. That's very hood rat. Ooh, can you name a couple of like cuisine, hood rat cuisine? We got hot Cheetos.

Yeah. Of course, ramen noodles. Any particular flavor of ramen? Well, I am a fan. I'm a fan of the beef flavor, Fran. Chicken is pretty like on the base. I don't use the packet. But what's the, what's the, I don't want to use the, what's the.

You're going to use it. The phrase. Cause it's, it's, it's almost offensive. What is it? Okay. I think it's on the package. Does it say Oriental? It says Oriental, right?

Yeah. There is a flavor that says. There's never, to me, there's never any way to say Oriental without it sounding bad. You can say Oriental cause it's a real word, like for rug and stuff, but you can't call someone Oriental. You can't call someone Oriental. yes but the packet do say oriental on it right it does i was just like making sure you say do say what else uh oh but to see if you go do so you can't just do ramen noodles you have to put

lowry seasoning salt in it too i've never had that before you should do that okay hypertension on fleek no hypertension is putting that packet that comes in the bag that's what's like that msg that is in that that's what's gonna give you hypertension friend what else is like a hood thing i mean i feel like anything i feel like i feel like pepper steak pepper steak anything well done any pepper steak with like the uh with the bell peppers with like that's every time i would go see my family in the projects they were making pepper steak with like in the projects the bridge the bridge car program and shit like they love a1 steak sauce yeah ah i feel like they love uh like a nugget

or a filet like a fish filet yeah a filet-o-fish yeah anything from the frozen food section Popeyes I feel like they love

anything from Popeyes I just had Popeyes like the other day and like I haven't been to Popeyes since my birthday last year I mean I'm not about to die

over no fake ass chicken I don't know what's going on with these people but like every time I go there from my when I was going there it was very peaceful the line was orderly

I go to a really bougie Popeyes where the fuck is this Popeyes at I mean that's an oxymoron it's right around the corner from my place it's like i mean the lines were clear they call your name they don't they call

they call y'all by your initials ae they were like ae i'm like oh yeah that's me that's my sandwich chick-fil-a no we don't do that i feel like ground fried chicken is also or kennedy fried well see i didn't have that growing up but i could see where that would be how that would be the hood rat staple in new york city it's not that good to me though no no none of that food that you're talking about is good yes i mean it's all bad i mean ramen noodles is not good for you You can just go to a ramen place and eat a proper ramen. I mean, good for you is different from good. No.

Nah. I mean, when I'm high, after I done smoked, a little doobie-doop. A little doobie-doop. A little doobie-doop. A little shooby-doop-doop. A little shooby-doop-doop. That ramen be hitting, friend. The only reason I have ramen in my house is so when Sydney comes to my house,

you can ignore all of my fruits and vegetables and just eat ramen. See, there you get it. Now we're back, friend. Yeah, I love ramen. And you know what else? I feel like we've eaten hood rat shit together. Yeah, we can always do it. It's good.

We'll always have like a now, later pair. Oh, a now and later. Like a weird meat. Wait, wait, pause. A jerky? Wait, pause. Is it now and later or is it nah later? Because nah later is how I pronounce it.

Nah later. I thought it was now and later. I thought they were now or later. They're now and later. I say now or later. I say now later. I said, nah, don't eat those because I don't want to keep my teeth.

True hood rats say, nah, laters. Nah, laters. Well, I don't say that. Nah, laters. Boston baked beans. I would never. The candy. Boston baked beans.

That's the candy? Sunflower seeds. That's hood rats. They love sunflower seeds. And see, now here's the thing. And they eat the shell, too. I eat the shell. No!

It got the salt on it, still. I feel like real hood rats leave the shells on the train. I feel like... On the floor of the train. Marie? That is true, Asa. Or you can spit it out.

Spit it out. That's ghetto. No, that's different from a hood rat. That's a hood rat, sis. Hood rats are ghetto. No, they are not. Yes, they are. I don't know.

You don't think hood rats... Not all hood rats are ghetto. I think all hood rats are ghetto. I don't know, man. Well, it sounds very classist over there. Whatever, sis. She's wearing a blue blazer and blue pants. It's a suit, sis.

Listen, if you... There's a spectrum of hood rat, you know? Yes, I feel like if you're a hood rat, you're ghetto. But there's a spectrum. You can be classy and still be a hood rat. No, the word hood rat implies no class. I don't know. It's like, well, she's a hood rat.

I don't know because, like, I don't know. From where I come from, a lot of hood rats got really nice dining rooms, you know? That's such a hood rat thing to say. I was like, Alex, so sorry. Hood rats do really good with decor. Do they? Everything looks very tacky. I feel like hood rats shop at Bob's Furniture's.

No, they rent a center. They rent a center. Rent a center. We got good. We got good home decor. good home decor is a seers potpourri

shut up potpourri I got potpourri in my place yo shut up stop saying potpourri why that's what it's called

say it one more time potpourri no he's trying to fix it potpourri potpourri potpourri and vodka um okay so

what kind of music do you like do hood rats listen to I mean besides well I have a very like broad I have a very wide musical palette

so I mean I can't speak for everybody okay so what are you listening to you know I'm like i'm a i'm a hip-hop r&b obviously i like women in rap you know uh how you feel about megan i like megan i like megan uh i like cat i love cash doll okay yeah she's from detroit she is gorgeous i love cash doll uh uh what other women in rap do i like rap city she's talented nikki's fine she

just needs to she needs to really like get some rest get some rest she's retired she needed she need to just get pregnant and she is getting i thought she was pregnant she need to get pregnant no is she pregnant i know she just got married but i don't think she needs to just go ahead and like lay up for a bit and just let other people just do their thing right now cardi's cardi's fine i like cardi a lot she's fun yeah she's fun she's a fun gal uh uh and a lot of like male hip hop uh who's rapping i mean i like migos okay well i like migos anything that's on uh spotify rap caviar i love drake yeah hood rats love drake and i do love the hood rats do love like i still want to fuck drake like i want i mean put it on your vision board friend i really want to fuck

andrew wants to know immediately i don't think he's gay but i do think that there's a certain level of like when every woman for the most part wants you like when you're so sought after it's kind of like well who else what else am i gonna do okay so and i mean i have i have and i have slept with my share of straight men you know in the past quotation marks I mean I still call them straight cause I mean there are some dudes on my Facebook that I've slept with

that have full families married wife and kids do these families know about this? do they know about this? I'm not gonna do that what block they live on? are they in New York? one of them is in New York but the other one

all the rest of them are like from Michigan and they have full on families do they know about this or not? I mean, it wasn't while they were in that relationship. It was, like, back previously. It sounds like the way you said it before, you're trying to fix it now. No, no, no. I've never.

You're a homewrecker, which is very hoodwrapped. You are Carrie Bradshaw. I did hook up with a married man once, but he told me that he was married after we hooked up. Like, I didn't see the pictures. I didn't see the pictures. I didn't notice the pictures in his house. He had pictures of him and his wife in the house, but I didn't see that. I went straight to the bedroom.

Okay, well, that's on you then. That's on you. So you check everything. okay lift every voice i was just trying to say yeah no so you that means you had that's his situation i'm sorry i'm always looking around okay you should be aware but it was crazy though because i was telling him i'm like yo dude we gotta use a condom like i was i was enforcing that and afterwards he was like you know you don't have to worry about it i'm clean and i have a wife that's how he told me i was like just because you have a wife that doesn't mean you can't

Give me something. The wife also might be fucking around too. What the fuck are we talking about? Wait, it doesn't mean that you can't give him something. Everybody dirty. Well, I can't because I'm clean. But he didn't know that. He just didn't want to use a condom.

I get checked like every six months, six, seven months. Oh, good for you. It should be every three months. It should be more. I ain't got that kind of time, sis. I ain't got that kind of time. You got time to get some dick done. You got time to get hot Cheetos.

I did catch. I caught one STD and that changed my life. What STD was it? uh uh gonorrhea oh well that's that's classic that's casual everybody gets that but wait but wait here's the hood rat icing on the cake friend that's the top ramen of stds it's fine nope here's the hood rat icing on the cake of that story because i caught gonorrhea in college my final year while i was working at mcdonald's you got it from mcdonald's it's in the burgers it's in the meat it's a what's your order fish filet no i was i was working at mcdonald's and there's no

that you got that was rock bottom to the frozen fries that was rock bottom you got you is not rock bottom no yes yes it is but to catch it while you're working at mcdonald's you caught it by the smooth time in my life that was devin's ones uh std if you recall as well and they are they're roommates devin and alex are roommates yeah yo i had to get a shot in my butt well that's how you got the gonorrhea i had to get a shot in my but no i got it from topping oh i got gonorrhea from topping it almost wait it almost kept me from topping ever again i was like you know what fuck this these hoes are filthy i'm never putting my dick in anyone ever again so i'm gonna let them put their dirty dick in me well that don't seem to be celibate i gotta get i gotta

get pleased somehow you know just but no that taught me a lesson i was like don't be out here fucking where's that bible that i was just having to read a verse you're a complete heathen and on that note alex i know i'm a good christian gay this oh yes you are but a heathen as well i'm a good christian gay please plug everything because the people need to know where you're gonna be what you're doing all right well um you can you can follow me on instagram alex english the e in english is a three and i post all of my shows because he still don't know how to do math because it was taken yeah but no or uh alexenglishcomedy.com um i'm uh i'm doing shows all across new york um and uh you have a monthly my twitter oh i have

a monthly that's right my twitter is also alexenglish.e um is a three is a three uh uh my monthly show come to the jane hotel december 2nd it's the dad comedy show eight o'clock starring me, Devin Walker, and Gary Richardson. It's a great lineup. These two wonderful people have done it. Sydney bled all over the stage. Love it. Thank you.

And listen to the National Lampoon Radio Hour on the Forever Dog fucking network. The Jumbo Studio. December 19th is when the first episode airs. Love it. We are all talented people. We're proud of you. thank you for coming back

thank you for doing it thank you for sharing your truth I wish getting booked on this podcast was easy for everything I talked to you I was like I want to do the podcast again

here I am well that's because you need to be a gatekeeper friend well I feel like I am no she's not give me book give me book friend

and then people show up and they tell me their expertise and then people tell me I have an attitude because I don't like what they say so you know whatever

I'm just trying to make sure that this is the best podcast that it can possibly be i'm just trying to get you i mean y'all y'all i had people talk people in my dm saying that they heard me on the first time i was on here yeah yeah they were like they were like oh yeah i heard about you my friends at my college told me that you were so funny on the unofficial expert it was said with a question mark i was like oh yeah people so shady uh before we go i just want to say one thing uh somebody sent me a comment uh after the last episode non-solo one that we put

up and it was their teaching expert and they said that teacher goes to my school oh wow he's the Sexy teacher at school. Anyway, almost all of our gym staff has HU with students once they graduated. I don't know what that means. Hook up. That's a hook up. Oh. Anyway, I guess she's a gym teacher, but Andrew is the sexy teacher.

Y'all are making the world smaller. It's really annoying. It's insane, and that's why we stopped telling our business. That's why. Oh, you say that after I just shared all of my dark secrets. Yeah, you have no problem. It's fine. Guys, don't forget to rate and comment and subscribe.

Don't forget that we got a Patreon that we have been recording and uploading episodes to. Sydney, what else do you want to tell these people? We're going to be hosting one of Janelle James' show for the Janelle James Festival. It's going to be at the Bell House. It's from the 5th through the 7th. We're doing the 7th. The Flute Out Show. The Flute Out Show.

This episode comes out December 6th. Our show is on the 7th. Our show is on the 7th. So there's that. Look at that. Look at us. Look at God. Y'all getting flued up?

But, yeah. Well, we're staying here. We'll be here. You know, the other comedians have been flued up. I've been flued up. It's like Jaboukie. He lives here. Yes, and Ethan Simmons Patterson.

I'm trying to list people who are on the show. Oh, Chicago. Chicago. I mean, we live here. It's the Chicago. I know. She said it's the Chicago edition. Oh, okay.

Cute. Perfect. All of them. Them names you name it. Love it, list it, need it, want it. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Again, I am sorry that I was late today. It's fine.

It'll probably happen again. but it's not gonna happen at this you know this much time anyway follow sydney follow alex don't follow me uh thank you so much andrew anything you want to say before we go uh no uh just follow me on instagram oh mcgui underscore gui thank you people be like people be like i love these three host see you in San Francisco yes

for sketch fest oh I'll be there too I'll be there too the national the radio hour is gonna be there too okay so we gonna be at

sketch fest France what day you gonna be there okay I saw the paperwork sounds like you not gonna be there I don't remember the date but I know I'll be there right

I saw the paperwork you gonna be there via Skype sis anyway bye guys so lovely thank you so much goodbye this has been a forever dog production executive produced by brett boehm joe cilio and alex ramsey for more original podcasts please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our

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