MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Hopeless Romantic Expert" with Greg Loyd

Episode Date: March 31, 2017

The girls return with a new episode of The Unofficial Expert to talk with a hopeless romantic, Greg Loyd. The episode is dedicated for all you lovers out there.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hey welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with sydney and marie hey guys sydney uh how you doing uh i don't feel well but you know i'm making it i know you don't feel well i see it Yep. You look great. You look fantastic. That's a damn lie. It's fine. Your mouth is a little bit dry.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I'm going to put some chapstick on because I feel like it's making my mouth dry. How's my mouth dry? I put chapstick on. I'm going to show you a mirror. Hold on. Because I'm a good friend.

I don't understand. I also don't understand because it's like glossy and dry at the same time Hold on I'm getting a mirror so you can see it Otherwise, so you don't feel well But you came to the podcast Super excited, you're so professional So profesh

This is crazy Just look at your face, please You see it? I wouldn't lie to you on the podcast Oh, that's That's toothpaste What? You didn't rinse your mouth out when you brushed your teeth today you just put lip gloss on top i know but i did i don't know why it's not this is crazy this is so

strange wow this is well this is definitely toothpaste it looked like you know like morning boogers speaking of morning boogers all right yeah wow speaking of morning boogers i um i washed my face today and then right before you and the guests got here i uh i looked in the mirror and i was like damn i got some crusty ass eyes so i had to go back it was just one eye though okay well i'm glad that your water runs thank you the water doesn't run dry here in uh 500 no but you know what doesn't run uh that doesn't run dry is my uh electricity i woke up this morning and i have no power oh that's why you hear that fridge real loud in the background because i had to this has been happening for the last couple weeks so

this is what i'm an expert in i'm an expert at yelling at my super and calling my management company and being ignored because they're not them jewish people ain't picking up for me that's who owns the building is it okay i was like oh that also i didn't say them jews i said them jewish people so i called them people because that's what they are greedy people the people in my building but i call and they don't pick up oh my god it's freaking crazy hilarious it is it's wild so i called my my super and he didn't pick up and he normally picks up when i call and my roommate is like oh i've been texting him and he always ignores me and i was like that's because you're white but like he always picks up for me but he didn't pick up today

because he knew he knew that your your electricity was all fucked up but then i tried to go downstairs and the elevator came up to the third floor which is the floor that i live on please don't come to my house. And then it wouldn't go down to the basement. So I was like, we're just not going to have no power for the podcast. Maybe they don't like you. You know what? That might be it.

That might be what it is. I think I'm a good tenant, though. Do you pay or your roommate pays? What is it under? It's under this. It comes out of my account, but it's under my

shut up, Sydney. That was, no, that was an honest question. And then I was like. It's under my name. I mean, it's not under my name. But they pull it out of my account automatically. Oh, my God. It's tied to my checking account.

Hilarious. She just Venmo's me half. So that's why I wasn't expecting it. And that's why the fridge is buzzing really loud in the background. Because it was off for so long. I mean, I don't even know when it came off. Listen, our listeners know that we ain't got no studio yet. So, if you guys keep listening and sharing and subscribing and reviewing.

Ooh, do you hear that? The siren. Yeah. This is why we need a studio. But we want the listener to know that this is raw. This is real. This is real. This is like, we really in bed style right now.

This is not bed style. You keep calling my neighborhood bed style and that's not where we are. Where are we? This is Flatbush. Same thing. No, Bed-Stuy is more shooty, and Flatbush is more stabby, just so you know. It's more stabby here. You guys hear that?

That's an ambulance, so you already know where she lives. Dangerous. I mean, it might be a fire truck. Listen, one day I came outside, and there was like a bunch of fire trucks and maybe 12 cop cars and two ambulances, two WI, and I was like, damn, somebody died? Somebody was like, yes, actually. And I was like, oh, no way. Who died?

Because I was being nosy. And this, well, this kid killed himself. Wow. Wow. Bring it all. I forgot that it ended like that. Damn, Marie. Just bring it all the way down.

Let me just bring it up, OK? Yeah, Sydney, what were you an expert in this week? I was an expert in making friends at the diner. That means you went to the diner by yourself a lot this week. Yes, I did. I did. This week and last week. But they know who I am, so they already know.

They're like, Sydney? I'm like, wow. I can't come here anymore, but they gave me some stuff for free. So I was like, maybe I'll be here more often. What did you get for free? I got like four extra pierogies. You go to the pierogie place every day? Every other day.

I like that pierogie place. Yeah, and the guy who keeps waiting on me is quite attractive. And he's like, he winks at me and I'm like. You talking about the little boy that waited on us when I was there? Yeah. Yeah, his name is Vitiligo or something like that. Vitiligo! His name is Vertigo.

Yeah, something like that. Something with a V. Is it? I don't know, but yeah. He looks really young. You got to make friends at the diner. You got to be nice to people. You got to say yes, please, thank you, how are you.

And tip 20%. And 20% for me is like 25%. Yes, Sydney's a really good tipper. Yeah, so you gotta be nice. I mean, I'm in the service industry, so I know how hard and annoying it can be. So I always look out for people who look out for me. So if you don't annoy me, don't ask for, like, water with no ice. Don't ask for straws. Maybe I don't want ice. And I want a straw. What are you talking about? I don't want any of, don't ask me for shit. Just go up and get your own damn plate. Wait, the dude be winking at you? I feel like when I was there, he was super flirty with me. So maybe he's just using you to get to me. Mmm, yeah, but he know you not paying, so...

Whatever. He's really young, too. I was like, you know what? If you can get your little white Polish ass... Is it Polish or Russian? It's Polish. I was like, if you can get your little Polish ass out of my face... Yeah, and he gave me extra beets for free as well.

Like beets by Dre? No, fool. Like beets, the vegetable. Oh, because he was like, she look like she don't get no vegetables. She in here every night eating pierogi. She ain't got no food in the fridge. Let me get her some beets. I go to this place called Veselka.

It's really great. You guys should go. This podcast is not sponsored by them. Please stop plugging them. But I just really enjoy them. And it's, you know, if you go there on a late night tip, it's kind of quiet. You know, you could do some work. There was a nigga in the corner on his Dell laptop.

Which I feel like he was plotting on ways to rule the world. He was Googling how to get rid of a murder. He was like, let me kill my boss. His name was Vertigo. he looks like vidalago's older brother vertigo yeah you're so dumb yeah so you've been at the diner a lot that means you've just been uh all by myself yeah alone yeah but it's okay i'm i'm a grown-ass woman i i'm an expert at being by myself and handling myself and not looking like all like oh my god i'm so lonely can you come and talk to me like nobody talks to me because they already

I think that is a perfect segue for this guest Yes I feel like that is the most perfect segue We've ever had on the show Our guest today is a He's a friend of ours I think he does some philanthropy Because that's how we introduce all our guests now

Very very funny guy They should have never gave y'all niggas that Word Well maybe you didn't know the word before I've known the word I've always known the word. You just keep using it. Well, because people can't be just guests.

They also got to be philanthropists. Hey, Sydney. Okay. Please. Okay. Give it up for our hopeless romantic expert, our eternally single expert, Greg Lloyd. Yeah, Greg. Hi.

Hey. How's it going? You sound so good. Why, thank you. Wow. I know. I feel like this mic is definitely not on a payment plan. I feel like everything else is rented.

It sounds so good. Well, I'm glad my voice sounds good because I'm so lonely. Wow, Greg, you're coming in real hot, Greg. You're also adorable. Let's talk about why you're so lonely. What's wrong with you? Where should we begin? Well, one, you live in New Jersey, so that's...

I do. I feel like if you just stop living in New Jersey, you can already, like, meet more people. You know, that's true. I mean, every time I do meet someone, they're like, where do you live? And I'm always like, hmm. You should just lie. You should just lie.

Yeah, but what am I going to say? On the west side. Yeah. Yes. On the west side. Say you live on, like, the upper west east side of New York City. The upper west east side? Yeah.

I live in the Statue of Liberty. Yes. That's totally fine. you're not deep in new jersey though no where are you right across the river jersey city oh actually jersey city's mad cute the apartments are good like it's affordable i mean but i'm not getting on no path so no i know everyone hates on the path it's an upgraded mta but it is not i don't know who told you that it's the the path is like the bart really it look it looks like the BART. The BART is where? Atlanta?

No, the BART is in... San Francisco. Yeah, the Bay Area. I was just guessing cities that might have trains. Yeah, it looks exactly like the BART. It does look like the BART, that is true. Yeah, but I feel like the path is not comparable to what we got going on, because y'all have like carpet

on the seats. Carpet? Why are you seeing carpet on the train? They have like padded plush seats. No, first of all, y'all don't have anybody selling batteries or DVDs or doing Showtime, so you're losing. No one's making selling balloon animals or blowing bubbles on the train.

I know, but sometimes it's nice to be a little bit peaceful. Marie, you're thinking of New Jersey Transit. That has some plush seats. Oh, what's that? Okay, because I was like, what's the difference? That's the one that gets you out of the city into the burbs. Oh, that's like the...

Into the pretty part of Jersey. Is that like the Metro North? Yeah. Yes. Okay, listen. Hey, listeners, we're putting you on to our transportation situation going on.

So just in case you want to come to New York City, we're giving you the spots. You know, you can take the New Jersey Transit. No, you don't want to do that.

You can take the, no, you don't want to do that. So just stay in the city. Just go to New York. Yeah. Just go to New York, stay in the city. I mean, also,

I feel like the path doesn't run all night. It does. It does. Just very sporadically. Oh, so you, obviously you have to change your shoes

if you're going out. You're in the club, you like have your heels or hard bottoms on the bench. My heels, always rocking in the club. When it's late night, you've got to put your Zaconis on. No, I'm trying to find my Merrells, yeah. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. If you guys can't tell, Greg is all the way white. Yes. Very white. Wait, Greg, where are you originally from? I'm originally from Jersey. Ooh. We don't have anything in common with you, Greg.

Sid, we have one thing in common. What's that? We're single. No, just kidding. Just kidding, just kidding It's not true I know it's not true, I just couldn't resist You've been talking to Marie too much

No, he's been listening to the podcast He was like, she's been eating pierogies by herself At the diner, she ain't got no girl But we're both on the dark side It's the best side Wait, dark side, are you just trying to say that you're like Almost black? No, we're the gays

It's the dark side It's the best side Oh, yes. Well, come on. Come on to the nightclub. Okay, so you're from New Jersey. From New Jersey. You're gay.

Yep. So what do you do? Like, what's your profession? Like, how do you go out at night? Like, what's going on? Yeah, where do you meet dudes? So I'm in sales. You're in sales.

Okay, so you start up in the city. What first startup in the city? You sell puppies? You sell ass. Yeah. Sell a nudge. I sell ass. No, I sell iPad base point and sales systems.

It's really glamorous. It's lots of fun. Greg, I didn't even know that's what you did. Yep. Greg, you got a 401k. I do. Wow. I do.

You hear that, listeners? Greg has a 401k. Get on it. Call him now. Yeah. Press 7 if you want Greg to take you out on a date. That's fantastic. Everyone's pressing like zero.

Everyone's hanging up the phone. They're done. No, see? You see, that's, I already see what the problem is. You see that? Low self-esteem. That's self-esteem, not where it should be. You got to bring it up.

No. All right. Well, the self-esteem ain't that bad. The self-esteem is pretty high. But listen, if I had a 401k, bitch, I wouldn't even be in this apartment right now. I wouldn't be on a podcast. I would be killing it somewhere. I would just be checking on my 401k right now.

I would just be looking at it. I'm going to hang out with those poor black girls. Yeah. That's what my money doing. I'll just go on dates with my 401k. Oh, my God. If I could, I would. That would be amazing.

Wait, so how does a 401k work? Because technically I have one. So, the way a 401k works is, like, when you get paid, they take a certain amount of it. Right. And they put it into an account. Right. Marie, you ain't got that. Your company sometimes puts in some.

Right. That grows, and the hope is by the time that you retire. Marie ain't got that. Yeah, yeah, but you're not allowed to touch it until, like, you turn 65 or something like that. You can, but you get taxed on it. Marie, I think you're thinking about Social Security. No, no, no, Cindy. I'm not thinking about Social Security or Medicaid or Medicare.

I'm thinking about how I used to have a job at Sony, and I had a 401k. You had a job at Sony? Yeah, when I lived in California. What were you doing at Sony? I was an executive assistant to the SVP of marketing and sales. That was a long title for something. You said assistant? That's where you were?

Yeah. How'd that go? Well, it didn't go that well because I left. Well, I wanted to move back to New York, so I quit my job. Right. That makes sense. I was like, I'm going to be on a show. The podcast.

Here we are. Yeah, technically. You are on the show. I was like, I'm doing the show. I've got to go. Bye. So I left, but I have a 401k. I forgot my password.

I don't know how to get into it. I don't know how much money is in it. I just want to take that money out. Well, that's good. If you don't have access, it's going to sit there. It's going to grow. It's going to be great. Okay, well, money is kind of boring.

So we want to know your sex life, Greg. Money is boring because Sydney ain't got no money safe. Yes, but let's talk about your sex life. Let's talk about my sex life. Eggplant emojis. Eggplant emojis. So somebody like you, you've been single for how long? I've been single officially for seven years.

When you say seven years, did you have somebody like for six months and then you broke up with them? Like you were single straight seven years. Yeah. So basically I've had some people in there for a couple months here and there. But in terms of like monogamous one on one relationship, seven years ago. Wow. So you've been hoeing it up for seven years. Hoeing it up.

And now you don't know what I'm saying. All over. You've been hoeing it up for seven years. I don't know why I can't get no man. Yeah, so had a relationship seven years ago. And how did you broke up with who? I got broken up with at a fucking club. He put like a curse on you.

He might have put a hex on you. That's what happened. Wait, who is this man breaking up in a club? He's lucky he's alive. That's why he did it, actually. I know. He's not even worth our time. He did it in a club because he didn't want you to kill him.

You need the witnesses. Well, I almost did. I hadn't had to leave the club because there was about to be a murder. So when you said leave, you got thrown out by the security. They basically came over, tapped me on the shoulder,

and were like, sir. You're getting really loud. You gotta go. Wait, the music was playing. Do you remember what song was playing? There's a club. There was a pool outside. We were near the pool.

So this was in the summertime. It was. Wow. A long time ago. Was this in New Jersey? Yes. He broke up with you in New Jersey. He did.

On my home turf. He couldn't even take you to the city and break up with you like a decent human being? No. He couldn't drive you up to Westchester? That's true. I know what that is. He couldn't take you to Poughkeepsie? No.

That fool. Good riddance. But yeah, so seven years. But what happened was after that breakup, in the interim, I moved to Columbus, Ohio. Oh, because you like being sad. Out in the Midwest. and so you were milking cows and milking milking cows maybe some dick here and there okay so you were dating in ohio yeah how's dating in ohio uh dating in ohio was interesting when i

first moved there i was like we're gonna keep it chill meet some people but no boyfriends yeah well columbus lots of gays really i didn't know that surprising yeah it's super liberal super cool okay lots of gays lots of gay bars but then after two years not dating anyone you've run through them all because that's all there is greg you a hoe this is why you can't i mean i've been known to do some things i'm kidding i'm joking that's what it is you are what's it you don't want to slow down wait what's a typical like date night in ohio i'd say typical date night in ohio is meet up for drinks maybe get some dinner Nothing like New York though

What's New York? I feel like people do that in New York Little Caesars? What does that mean? I mean I've been taken on a date To Little Caesars before And it didn't go very well

Greg That's not a date That's a hangout Just so you know He said it was a date I was like This ain't a date It's a hangout

Y'all are hanging Not dating Y'all are hanging Exactly That's a lunch break That's what that is That I think is why I'm so lonely Because every date

Is like a hangout People are like Let's just hang out Let's just chill Maybe it's my fault that I think they're dates. But Greg, I don't think you're lonely, right? You're not lonely. You're just, you know.

I got two cats. You do have two cats. Greg, you have two cats? I do have two cats. City, you have a lot of energy right now. That's worse than me. I know. City has two cats.

But you're a man with two cats. I'm a man. Yeah, you're a man with two cats. It's rough. I live in Jersey. I've got two cats. Every gay boy is like. So you mean you have to run home and feed.

Kibbles and bits every night. Yo. Well, yeah, but I'm like, these cats will live on their own. Greg looks like he gets his cats fancy feasts. He'd be spoiling. That's actually really bad cat food, just to let you know.

And it rots their teeth. No fancy feasts. They're Iams all the way. It's fine. See, I would date you just because of that. You know how to treat your cats. That's why I'm here. This is all a ploy. Sydney, I'm coming after you.

We're going to be at the diner eating pierogies. Oh, my gosh. The diner? I thought that was only a Jersey thing. Like, we have diners galore. You didn't know there were diners in New York? No. Where?

Damn, Greg. That's why you didn't know man. Yeah, this is why. Don't tell nobody that up top. Like, diner? Oh, my God. You guys have those? She didn't say Waffle House.

She said diner. Yeah, we've got diners in New York. Okay, fair. I'm down for the diner So seven years single But you're not Yeah you're not lonely and you're not giving up Why are you hopeless romantic

You watch too many rom-coms I do watch a lot of rom-coms What's your favorite rom-com Serendipity You guys ever seen it Can you give me the Close notes Sure it's John Cusack

Of course Romantic comedy And then Kate Beckinsale, this is back in the day. Kate Beckinsale, is that the mom from 8 Mile? No, I don't think so. No, she's the one in that like underworld thing. But long and short, it's like they're in New York. They meet.

She's very like hippie aloof, writes her phone number in a book. A couple of years later, he's going to get married. And I don't want to ruin the story. No, no, ruin it. It sounds awful. So ruin it. He's about to get married. Fate brings them back together.

He's thought about this girl forever. Wait, she was about to get married and she found his number? He was about to get married. Okay, so he found her number on his wedding day? His wife, the night before, giving the bride's gift to the groom that you do the night before a wedding in traditional, was the book that she wrote her number in. Bitch, I would burn everything down. I would Molotov cocktail that friggin' bridal shower, whatever. Wait, let's take a step back.

His wife got him a book? she says in the movie I've seen you looking in this book every time we go into a bookstore so I wanted to make sure you had a copy and there's the hippie girl's number and then it goes from there and they fall madly in love

and they skate a Rockefeller no he never bought it he was just looking in it for that number he just so happened to have this chick's number in it he just called the number this is romantic comedy that's the devil is always working overtime the devil plays on the Lakers

The devil is Lamar Odom Lamar Odom? Or the clan he's married to One or the other No, hold on She writes her number in the book For him or she was just randomly She wrote it in for him

If you find it, fate means we're together He doesn't get married No, he leaves the wife Ends up with the girl He didn't want to be with her in the first place That's what that is because there's no way I'm going to find

another bitch's number years later. And I was just like, you know what? I don't want, and it's weird because the groom, is it the groom

or the bride's parents has to pay for the wedding? The bride's. The bride. Oh, well, that's why he was like, well, just hang on my dime. Wait, the bride's

family got to pay? I ain't never getting married. But yeah, so that's my favorite movie and like, that's the guy. I'm waiting for something for that to happen to me.

It's probably not going to be the same. All you need to go is go to all the bars and know what's on the left and make sure you're numbering all the Game of Thrones books. I'm just thinking all the bathroom stalls. That'll be fine. Someone will find me there. Put it in all the Game of Thrones books.

Greg, let me tell you, what you should do is put your number on a dollar bill. That has happened to me. Somebody had put their number on a dollar bill and I was getting fucked up with my friends and at four o'clock in the morning we call this number that's on the dollar

bill and it was a dude. No. Oh my God. Sidney, what were you and your friend doing with his dollar bill? I'm not missing that important piece of information. At 4 a.m.? We were drinking. I wasn't doing cocaine.

That was last episode. Last episode, I was talking about cocaine. We're not doing that this episode. We were just drinking. I had a lot of Patron in my system. And we were like, oh, you know what's a good idea? Let's fucking call this number. Let's call it.

Because, you know, when you're wasted, you're like, let's do this. And so we called. And there was a dude, he picked up at 4 a.m. What did he say? He was like, why are you calling me at 4 a.m.? And then my friend in the back was making all these noises like, help me, help me, help me. But did he come? No, he did not.

But I'm saying if you put your number on a dollar bill. I'm going to get calls like that at 4 a.m.? Like, no, thank you. You need to put your number on a euro. You need to go get like a few francs. Maybe whatever was the British pound. You need to put your number on stuff like that. Wow, Marie.

That's actually pretty smart. You're brilliant. I'm going to do that. That, take out menus, all the things. People will find me somewhere. Or print out a piece of paper and then have the little things that you can pull your number. For a good time, call Greg and then you put your number on the bottom so people can take a piece of paper with them. Yeah, that doesn't sound like romantic, though.

What do you want? It sounds like I'm going to get a dirty grinder message that's like, hey, got your number. Greg. Here we go. Do you believe in love at first sight? i do really i do seriously i'm waiting for one of those moments where i'm like you believe in it but it just never happened no that's bullshit great we try to make eye contact with strangers on the train no but that's the that's the worst part and that's why i'm inevitably single because i'm like

oh i really want to meet someone on the train like we'll make eye contact across you should stop doing a train thing you should do the park the park thing is a thing yeah like in rom-coms it's always in central park central park cruise it's where the gay men are i'll see i'm i'm watching these heterosexual movies is there any like is there gay rom-com there are but they're fucking terrible they're terrible they're important it's foreign hub yes yes netflix look at the gay and lesbian section what's a good what's a good uh gay rom-com what's the title nothing they're like they're like the worst things ever it's like very soft core porn bad acting it's It's in essence Pornhub.

Is it made in Manhattan? Because essentially that was a terrible movie. It's probably slightly better than that because I do not like Jennifer Lopez. I love her. She is a hopeless romantic because this bish, this bish. The way that she gets somebody and then falls. I mean, it can't just be because she's beautiful. It has to be on her end, too.

She has to fall for them as well. It's badass. That's true. I mean, she's been married, what, like four times? But she always gets, like, lower-level dudes, like a backup dancer, Mark Anthony. Like, come on, girl. Mark Anthony, the cryptkeeper. Yeah, but he's got tons of fans.

His follower count on Instagram, popping. He's releasing them Spanish-language albums. Also, his new wife is, like, I want to say 20. His new wife is also his old wife. Yeah, they divorced. She filed for divorce. Yeah, because he kissed J-Lo or something like that. What?

Wow That world is crazy My goodness Aren't you glad you're not rich It's a telenovela That's what it is But yeah she's definitely hopeless romantic That's kind of where it is

You need to throw on some heels And walk across a manhole And then your heels are going to get caught in the manhole And then a car is going to come speeding down the street And somebody is going to save you And that's going to be the love of your life I think I'm just going to get hit by a car but you got insurance so you might go to the hospital and the nurse might be a dude and you

might fall for the nurse better yet the doctor see but i'm waiting for that story to happen that's what i want just let us uh put you in harm's way yeah just throw me in front of cabs maybe it'll be a cab driver in the back seat greg what's your type though let's let's go let's get to that what's your type so my type would be if i could craft the ideal man for you okay craft He'd be like 6'2". Of course. Wait, because I told you? 5'10".

Okay, and he's like a real 5'10". Not like a man lying about he's 5'10", 5'10". So yeah, like 6'2", beard. Like a 3D beard? Like a three-way beard? No, not like a dirty, mice-living-in-it beard. Like a regular quack beard. Marie, I feel like you guys got a lot of things in common.

You like 6'2". You like beards. Yeah, that's what I like, dude. Lumberjack style. Your man, when it comes. I am. I'm like, Marie, where's your boyfriend? I'm going to steal him.

I'm taking him right now. Listen, if you can steal my boyfriend. Marie's on stage. I'm like, hey. If you can steal him, that's your man. Okay, absolutely. Into it. No, but yeah, so lumberjack-esque.

And he's the kind of dude I imagine where I get to be the flower. I'm laughing, I'm social, and he's just kind of in the back, chilling, watching. so he's just literally he's just putting his american express down and letting you live like do what you want exactly he's in the background because he don't speak english no the guys who don't speak english be the main ones in everybody fucking ear and i'm like dude the accent too thick don't understand well you know i'm i gotta say if he didn't speak english i wouldn't be too upset

Because the communication is difficult But the loving is good If he don't speak English Then he's probably not circumcised So I mean, whatever It's terrifying Is it?

I mean, well, as long as it's pretty It's fine It's not pretty if he's uncircumcised To each his own Wait, can I tell you I've never seen an uncircumcised penis I never had one in my hand It looks like this

it looks like a turtleneck that looks like you got it like a muppet coming out of your fucking sleeve yo if you ever see the uncircumcised muppet on system history then you're watching the wrong system history oh you know snuffleupagus is tough like his his tusk tusk whatever is it that does it look like that yeah except you have a fist in it does your dick look like snuffle up i guess let's go oh my gosh okay so you said uh he got to be tall and stoic and be like the serious onesie so that when i'm just crazy i'm like boo i need you to carry me home he's like all right fine then off we go so that's gonna be real hard This is going to be a tough one for you

Like to find that in New York City And he ain't crazy Well they're all crazy You need to move to West Hollywood LA Those queens I can't handle What's up with the gays in LA Mean they're just mean

Wait they're meaner than the ones in New York City Yes for sure That's my personal opinion Explain They're meaner than Marie Yeah, come on. You mean it to me? No.

I got along with all the gays out there. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Because they're fucking evil. They're all like. Yeah, they're just a little mean. They're very like into the looks. It is LA.

They're all trying to be actors. They're all trying to do all this stuff. And they're very anti. They all wax all the hair off their bodies. Well, it's odd now, too, because I'm part of like the old school of dating where I want to like talk to people at the bar. And all of. That's old school?

Well, yeah. I thought old school was... I remember when you had to, like, work for it. No, I thought old school was, like, Bill Cosby taking you up to his room and putting some in your drink. I thought old school gay dating was just people getting married to women and then the miniature at church. And they were like, hey. Well, I guess that kind of... I thought old school was, like, men going into the men's bathroom and, like, knocking on the wall, like, three times.

All of that, I feel like, is... It was old school. It's still in school. I thought old school dating was you would, like, telegram. each other nudes. That's what I thought. I mean, sure, but the old school dating, straight gay, anyone

was like, when you had to like, give those fuck me eyes across the bar. Do you guys remember doing that? No. I give regular eyes and people be like, oh, she want a bang. And I'm like, these are my regular eyes. Well, that's what you would do. You would stand at the bar and you would look at someone and you would give them the eye. Eventually you'd start talking.

Whenever I used to look at people at the bar, they didn't know if like like I was looking at them or looking at because my lazy eye when I start drinking like just fucking goes off the rails when I start drinking and the room starts to spin I just cover one eye one eye yeah so I can't

give like fuck me eyes holding one eye but like is she doing an eye exam right now what's up yeah but that ain't bad you got a better shot you're like looking at two guys at once someone's gonna come over and say hello Greg see this is why you single I've never done that.

I've never met somebody at a bar and taken them home. Oh, yeah. That's not the life that I've lived in. Well, you don't go to they house. I mean, they don't go to your house. You don't go to they house, man. I'm not going to their house either. I'm like, wait, you can take me to get food in the morning because I'm a lady.

Yes. That's how it used to be. But now it's all the app stuff. You don't do the apps. No, I don't really do the apps. I Tinder. That's an app. I'm swiping right.

That's like one of the bigger apps. Greg, what's wrong with you? That's an app. Greg, I thought that was on Tinder with you the last time I saw you. Yes, that is true. We Tinder'd it through, but there's nothing good there. No one wants to chat. Everyone just wants the pump up.

Just like those gym selfies. Pump it up? What do you mean? If I see a gym selfie, I'm immediately not attracted to you. Why? You should be working out. is my feeling and it's very self-promoting i think you should work out too i think that's the problem is when you fall in love you get mad lazy you you you be more you you get real

comfortable and like you should always be on edge you should always think somebody gonna leave you you should work hard like that's how i feel sydney are you working out to keep love alive because i feel like you've been to the gym i mean you've been in a relationship like three years you've been to the gym maybe three times. Okay. So what are you giving Greg this fake-ass advice for? I mean, my body is beautiful, so

I'm not like everybody else, okay? I hear what you're saying. You want somebody to look good even when they're in a relationship? Okay. Alright. I get it. I still don't really get it, though. You don't go to the gym. No.

You got a lot of nerve. Eh, it's alright. I don't care if you go to the gym or not I just don't want you to be posting your shit All over the social media It sounds like you're not into social media No not really I'm Instagram only A little bit of Facebook But you've never like

Kind of like fell in love Through social media Oh I have I definitely have What was that like That was tragic First of all How are you hopeless romantic again because i dream of these things to happen and then i judge myself for others that's called

the fantasy no thank you that's a fantasy oh my god you don't like mariah carey no what came to my mind is what's your fantasy my ludicrous oh see this is why you were single the first thing that came to my mind i was like oh mariah carey that's a better sex okay so what happened with it's a so we met and i was like really into it following him on social media and then we finally went out no no like you know when you have this like crush on someone and you look at all their photos and you imagine them to be something and then you meet them and you're like yo i was like no top lip dumb as a box of rocks and i was like i can't so i can't it's so dumb is like a strike or what's the problem was he tall it depends on the level was he tall and had a beard he was tall

he was short had a beard okay well that's the problem he was that was the problem not tall short and unintelligent and like very unintelligent like the point where i asked him to spell his name and he was like wait i was like what you know sometimes i have a hard time uh remembering my social media handles, so I feel like... Ah, that's true. Which is fine, but sometimes you gotta think about it. But like when I ask you your name

and you're like, um... and you hesitate, that's like a little bit weird to me. Or maybe he was like a little, you know, autistic or Asperger's-y or something. I thought he might have been using an alias, so that's why I was like we're gonna cut this. That could be a real thing. Yeah. Oh my god. It's happened

before. I see it all the time. It's like catfish. Yeah, I was a little bit nervous that that was what was happening to me because he was, like, trying to remember which name he told me. He's got a lot of dates. I was like, nah, not into it. Oh, okay. And I'm down to give everyone a chance, but anytime I get that weird feeling. Even somebody who's, like, poor?

Would you give somebody who lives with their mom a chance? You're not a real hopeless romantic because when you're hopeless, it don't matter. You're like, whatever the situation is, I love you. It's fine. Yeah, let's try to make it work. Well, I guess I'm not. Maybe I am hopeless then, and that's why I don't put up with these things. Is there a type of dude that you would not date?

I'm going to scream out some things and then say yes or no. Sure. Asian. Maybe. That's very rude. We have Asian listeners, and that's beyond rude. I do not support anything that Greg just said. That is not on behalf of the S of the unofficial expert.

Oh my god, that was the longest pause in the world Okay, what about if a dude Worked at a gas station Sure So you said maybe to an Asian But a nigga who worked at Hess You're like, sure I mean sure

If he's making money doing the things There's a Wong out there That could change your life And you over here are like, yeah There's a Wong with a wang out there Yo, where is he? If he's there, call me You want somebody who pumps gas for a living, but you don't want an Asian guy.

If they know how to pump, sounds good to me. Fucking rude. That's what Greg cares about. Greg just wants to have sex. Greg, that's why you're single. There's an Asian man right now that's like, see? That's why he is where he is. Listen, I read this book at Barnes & Nobles, because I didn't buy it.

And it said that black women and Asian men are the two least married groups of all the groups. Really? Mm-hmm. Did they say why? Because black men leave us for white women. And Asian women are going to white men. Oh. And we're the most loyal to our race.

Like, black women, for the most part, want to be with black men. And Asian men want to be with Asian women. Right. That's interesting. And we don't want each other. Like, Asian men don't want us, and we don't want them. Like, that's the rest of that. Right.

Well, that's interesting. But, I mean, everyone has their own personal tastes and preferences. Yeah, but you don't want to date an Asian dude. You said maybe. I said maybe. Okay, but you dated like Spanish Do you want a nigga that work at the cash register At fucking

7-Eleven Free Slurpees I'm in You want the $10 on pump number 9 dude You want that dude You want somebody who work at Shell But you won't fuck with an Asian dude I don't understand You won't

You don't want the Asian dude from Family Guy Actually I have no idea if there's an Asian on that I have no Definite restrictions well will you absolutely not date absolutely not date yeah somebody who's married has a wife see this is why your life ain't right because you should automatically say no yo you said he cocked his head to decide to be like well well you know what actually if your hope was romantic you're like well we were meant to be together that's kind of where it is but you should wait

for him to get a divorce at least well yes i'm not gonna date him while he's married but it's not It's not like if I meet him. You're going to date him while he's married. Stop lying. Stop lying. Don't you dare lie to us. Your belt is like coming loose right now. It's like this dude over here lying.

I'm going to make best friends with the wife and be like, boo, I love you, but. Have you ever hooked up with somebody who's married? Yes. To a woman? Mm-hmm. It was crazy. How do you feel about that? How do you?

The way I feel about it is this. I think that you shouldn't be doing that. Okay. But you need to do. but how long did you do it for one night i don't keep in contact there's like no it's not a it's not a situation where we go out and go out and go out i did it numerous times so yeah he was married yeah how many what yeah it was i am judging you right now i know i was you got a lot of nerve judging you i just was saying like i've been in this situation and you know i'm judging both of

you hoes right now this was six years ago and i definitely was in that like i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck and now where i am in my life i'm like yo you a dirty ass bitch was it in new york or was it somewhere else because mine was in vegas so it's like what happens in vegas stays in vegas unless you unless he gave you some no he didn't give unless he brought something back to his wife no mine was no okay are you saying i got an std i don't know yes he's banging somebody in Vegas, you gave him gramps. That is rude. Yeah, I did it.

We definitely weren't in love. We just, you know. You were or you weren't? We weren't in love, but we liked each other a lot. But I definitely was like, I don't have nothing to lose. You have everything to lose. Did he have kids? No, he didn't have kids.

Yeah, no kids. I feel like if there's kids in the picture, that's very dicey. Would I have made a difference to you? I think so. What does dicey mean? Like whorish or like? you know i'm ruining about i'm worried about ruining those kids lives you know like i don't want to be the cause of the divorce dad is gay

he's not coming out that's why that's why hopefully i don't got kids i mean daddy ain't coming home tonight he's at greg's house in new jersey first of all if you cheat on me with a who live in new jersey you deserve all of the molotov cocktails new jersey did somebody cheat on you with a chick that lived in New Jersey? He was going to. He was on his way. Did somebody cheat on you with a girl that lived in the Bronx? Yeah, and she had like one leg.

She had one leg? Wait, you guys, which is the worst? The Bronx or Jersey? That's a tough one. I think they're tied for last place. No, someone's got to be worse. Probably the Bronx. Just want to make sure.

It's definitely the Bronx. Jersey holds it down Greg what do you have to say to anybody who's listening right now who might be a hopeless romantic like if you could give some little boy or some little girl in I don't know Ohio some advice what would you say

I think you dumb if you're a hopeless romantic you dumb that's what Sidney said you stupid don't listen to Sidney keep those dreams alive just be open to new experiences and continue to dream because maybe you'll meet that person

if you're dreaming you need to just stay asleep because you might get a lot of good d i don't know you might get a lot of good d greg yeah okay so are you like really are you into like zodiac and stuff like that a little bit yes you like the tech so terrible yeah another reason why you taking l's and all the else somebody needs like oh i'm a sedentary we're not compatible and you leave. Oh, Sagittarius, yes. You know, but Beyonce was really into astrology. Like, she had the whole, like, GIF of Virgo

or something like that. What's that? In her first album. She was all about astrology. Beyonce can't even say the word astrology. I've heard her talk. When the hive comes at you, I'm not involved. Hence why she doesn't do interviews anymore.

I mean, I love Queen B, but she's like, she doesn't do them anymore. We ain't talking on the mic ever again. She hasn't done an interview in years. that's not true no it's true she doesn't do like late night or daytime appearances she doesn't talk i want to say she stopped after the hbo one where she was like talking about she was blessed to have a child i think people are like but that was a documentary that she did oh that was her right so they like edited that her and oprah how many times they shot it and you know oprah was like um yeah you're not gonna have me over here looking dumb get your life

together they probably got hooked on phonics in the background see the beehive coming for that no they're not they know my shit is retarded too i can't speak so no i think the last time she did a live appearance was when she sat down and her stomach imploded when she was pregnant that's the last time she sat with somebody and so that had nothing to do with like her speaking it was just like yo you you're not gonna get caught out there anymore Well, you know, she had two babies in that smushed stomach now So, she fine Anyway, Greg, we were talking about astrology

So, you're into that I'm not super into it But I do think it's interesting I feel like you asked me if I was a Virgo today I did I'm not into that If somebody was like, yo, Marie, what's your sign? I'll be compatible

I don't believe in the compatibility The bitch on the New York Post what's that uh lady who always talks about astrology but susan miller i have no idea i don't even know you read the news susan miller she's she always talks about like astrology and she can do your horoscope and whatnot i love her susan miller be putting out some gems on a new york post i mean sometimes it's susan miller's astrology astrology zone and it's an app she's great i need that tell you about your love life she could tell you about your finances the stuff that's coming your way

Sidney, you be reading this? You be reading this? I don't even know you read Everyone's hating on the astrology She's like, she tell you about your life and your finances Sidney, this is why you ain't got no money because you buy too many New York Posts. I don't buy them I just sit in the bodega and eat my

bacon, egg and cheese and read it And it all falls in the same world of like things happening for you You know? You know what Greg? I'm going to tell you what's going to happen right now. I live in the fantasy world I know. It's a problem That's why I'm here I don't think that it's a problem

You've been single for seven years But you don't seem unhappy No you don't Because you got cats and shit I got cats And you got like You're not poor Like if you're a hopeless romantic

And you're poor Like if you're homeless and hopeless That's different Yo but I be seeing Homeless couples together And I'm like see That is hopeless romance right there Because

Ain't no way I'm dragging my box And your dick like there's no way i'm not it's not happening dragging my box in your dick sounds like a porno oh my god one box two dicks that sounds like a gay porno yo one dick two boxes yeah oh my god wow too much we're gonna give you a quiz you want to test your expertise okay oh we're gonna put these you're gonna put these glasses on we're gonna cut the camera on and we're gonna see if You really are the hopeless romantic.

Yeah. Okay. Expert. Cool. We'll see how I do. I'm yawning because I'm, you know, I'm yawning because romance is boring. I don't believe in romance. Me neither.

Sydney, what's the most romantic thing you've ever done? The most romantic thing I've ever done? I washed a man's walls before. They were so, they have fingerprints all over the place. And I was like, is this other women? Does he have children? Like, why is there hands all over the walls? You washed his walls?

I washed his walls. I don't know if that's romantic or like you were just like providing a cleaning service for him. No, bitch. I was so in love. Like I used to bake him chicken and then I washed his walls on the same day. You baked chicken? I baked chicken. I didn't even know you did either of those things.

This was when I was straight. I was doing real foolish things. Okay. So then when you slid into the lesbian zone, you just lost all your cooking ability? I was like, I will never do that again. I will never. Whose handprints were on the wall? I was trying to figure out, Greg, and listen,

when I was looking at the, I was taking tape and taking some of the fingerprints off, and I was like, let me figure out. I was doing some private eye shit. It wasn't your hands. It was, no. I mean, I was like, there's no way I'm going to stay in your apartment all the time with all these handprints.

What kind of terrible sex were you guys having at your fingerprints? You had chicken grease, baked chicken fingerprints all over the walls? That's what it sounded like. It was your fingerprints. No. It was, we just started dating.

And, you know, I was really in love with him. And, you know, the first thing I was like, let me do something nice. Let me wash his walls. That's how you know a bitch is sprung. Like, sprung and foolish. That is true. Because if someone came over and washed my walls, I'd be like, all right, fool. If someone came over and washed my walls, I'd be like, you stupid, kill me.

Is that a turn off? Would you be turned off by that? No. I'd be like, thank you. Thank you very much. Much appreciated. Would you look down on them? I don't think I'd watch him doing it and be like, I'm so high for you right now.

I wasn't Cinderella washing his fucking floors and walls. No. But I mean, I'd be into it. I'd be like, all right, thank you. I appreciate the help. Listen, and the problem is that who walls I really should be washing is my girls. But her walls were already clean. So that's why

That's even better If the walls are clean When you say your girl's walls are clean It sounds like you're talking about her vagina walls Her vaginal walls No You That's

Your mind is in the gutter bitch You're like whose walls I should be washing Is my girl Whose walls Which walls are cleaner The vagina walls Or the Apartment walls

Listen guys We're not going to talk about this I already talked about boxes and dick We're not talking about this Okay Well boxes also You know Vaginas

I'm learning a lot here guys You do that a lot Set the camera up Marie I'm still talking to Greg just getting to know his foolish hopeless romantic ass. All right. We're ready to give you this fabulous quiz, Greg.

Are you, Greg? I'm ready. Let's go get them. What song is that? I have no idea. Wow. Bonnie and Clyde with Jay-Z and Beyonce. How dare you? I'm sorry. How gay are you? Was that the first question?

No. Can you name three classic romantic comedies? Three classic romantic comedies. You already know serendipity so that don't count. Does serendipity count as classic? No. I don't know. Just three romantic comedies.

Well, there was Made in Manhattan. Is that it? Okay. Okay. Jennifer Lopez. Who was the dude in that? Do we remember? Matthew McConaughey. Ugh, terrible. Oh, Academy Award winner Matthew McConaughey. That's a mess. Everyone's always done

one bad one or two. J-Lo's All J. Lo's movies are terrible. How to Catch a Guy in 10 Days. Right? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I feel like that was also Matthew McConaughey, wasn't it? It was. With Kate Hudson.

You really like Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, you do. I do. And then give me one more. Does Wedding Crashers count? It's kind of romantic. If that's what you're trying to base your life off of, yeah. It's a little bit borderline.

Listen, we're going to give you half a point. Okay. That's fair. I couldn't think of a third one. Do you guys know one off the top of your head? Sweet 16 Candles? I didn't see that. I was going to say Love Jones, but that's because I'm black.

Love Actually. Love and basketball. Oh, yes. Set It Off. Wow, I'm terrible. Set It Off was not one. Set It Off was definitely not one. Go ahead, Cindy.

Of course you'd do that for Gregory. All right, so you're obviously in this romantic, hopeless romantic relationship. You guys have been dating for a year He asked for your social security number Do you give it up? Ooh I'm going to have to say no Like I could tell him

But he ain't getting it on like a piece of paper Or a copy of the card or anything I'll be like here it is 123-678-90 A copy of that card Yeah what's he What's he need this for? My first question

No like they need the social security number for what uh i feel like i gave adrian my social security number oh because remember i was in that accident that car accident and she went to the hospital okay and she had my information i like gave her my information yeah i feel like i would just die in that car accident for the forms maybe i mean i'd give it to them but i'm not gonna be like here's here's my info do what you will okay now here's my next question for you can you name three songs that have the word love in them oh love or lava or anything love love let me love you by mario

let me love you that's a cute song yeah sexy love by neo sexy love all the things you do Keep me drunk Keep me running back to you Running back to you And I don't know where this came from But I think I love you Oh yeah Who is that? Is that like Tiffany?

I was going to say I think that's the Beatles But I have no idea who it is I think it is the Beatles Listeners what is it? Let us know If it's the Beatles I'm proud of myself Just add us on Twitter or something Or let us know in Instagram Okay we're going to give you that one

Sydney, do you have another question for Greg? Yes, I do have another question, but I can't remember it. I had another question. Wait, how many points do I have now then? Two and a half? I think you have like three points. I have no idea. We don't keep.

Oh, yes. Can you be in love with somebody if they're rich? Yes. Why not? Yes. What do you mean? Of course you can. No, I don't think so.

I think so. You don't have to love them for their money. top you know that they got coins but what if you don't know they have coins that's really gonna be hard like how are you not gonna know well like a lot of white people with money like they dress terribly they're really cheap you know what i mean like they don't want to spend their own money they want to go dutch to me i think you can i think it's an added bonus i think you just gotta watch them a little more carefully okay there's access to listen if he's really rich or she's really rich they need to look almost homeless for me to like fall in love with them

and then like a year later like oh my god i have like 12 offshore accounts see now here's my hopeless romantic story what if one of those homeless people you know they say homeless people out there are really regular people making like 80k a year collection change out of msg then what if that man comes for me i'm like sir here's yeah but you didn't hesitate you said that You would date a homeless person? A poor person? A poor person. You said you would date somebody who worked at the gas station.

I think so. You hesitated on Asian, but said absolutely to poor person. I can't believe you, Greg. So my exclusive no, then, would be homeless, I guess. Okay. I feel like I don't have any more questions for Greg. Do you have anything else that you wanted to ask him? No.

I don't. Greg, do you think that you're going to be the one that proposes to the person that you love, or they're going to propose to you? That's a good question. I think I will be. Really? I think I'll find someone and be like, yeah. Damn, Greg, you thirsty.

Why don't you let them give you the ring? Why is it so damn dry, Greg? Because I know whoever I end up with, I'm going to be running the show. So I'm like, listen, we're going to lock this down now. You good? Good. So you're both going to wear white tuxedos for the wedding? Ooh, I don't know.

And what kind of rings? Do you want a diamond? Do you want diamond-incrusted? It shows titanium bands with three little diamonds on the inside. On the inside? They're embedded in the band. So when you look at the ring, they're in there. So you mean people can't even see your blend?

No, no, no. Nah. Oh, what a waste. I'm very manly. I know people can't tell from my voice. He is. He kind of looks like a hipster from Williamsburg right now. You got your flannel on.

You got another. What is this? A Henley. A Henley. And an undershirt. And an undershirt. What's the cold situation? And a sweatshirt and a jacket.

Oh, okay. You ain't got no heat at your house in New Jersey. I hear you, boo. I mean, at least my electricity was on. Oh! And that is a great way to end the podcast. I'm not saying nothing else. Greg, where can people find you if they want to see you?

On the PATH train. Ugh. At the warm-up. Yes. I'm just there in the audience, though. Second Saturday of every month, Greg is always there. Always there. When he's not going to a wedding or something.

That's true. or when it's someone's birthday because then i'm busy um what's your social media social media best one is instagram okay name is mr greggles m-r-g-r-e-g-g-l-l-e-s same for all the other social media twitter's just a copy of instagram and facebook's fine but i never post on there so instagram hit me up send me a dm slide in his d he's a hopeless romantic so uh romantically slide in his DMs with the nudes. Yeah.

Well. Is a dick pic never acceptable for you or you take dick pics? Again, as long as it's pretty, I'm into it. As long as it's pretty,

okay. You can catch me on Instagram also, R-E-Z-R-E-E-E-Z-Y and then of course you can check out the Unofficial Experts on social media too.

Yeah. And mine's just Sid, J-U-S-Y-D-B-W and then yeah, be on the Unofficial Expert On Instagram as well And then you can catch us live

On May 7th Sunday May 7th We're gonna be live And in your face And Greg might probably be there I'll be there All our experts will be there We're gonna be at

The Wild Project So it's not that far From Karma Lounge And it's gonna be $10 Cause we mad free So you gotta pay Something now We need to get a studio y'all

So yeah $10 Come see us Make sure you subscribe Make sure you rate the episode Make sure you steal Your friend's phone When they're in the bathroom

And subscribe to the podcast On their phone as well yes please cool thank you guys I had so much fun yay

great stuff you need to go back to work bye bye