MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Hoteling Expert" with Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: November 9, 2018

No need to book a room at the Four Seasons for this weeks Unofficial Expert with our Hoteling Expert, Rachel Feinstein! Rachel reveals the best and worst hotels, whether or not to wear sandals in hotel showers, and her attempts to get first responder discounts for being a firefighters wife. Also, Marie loses a roommate while Sydnee loses one of her teeth.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

now as you all know we here at the unofficial expert love movies we love movies and you know we love movie podcasts yes and now one of the greatest movie podcasts of all time that's no joke that's the honest to god's truth is available right here right now on the forever dog podcast network it's called black man can't jump in hollywood jump into black man can't jump today gerard james and john have an incredible back catalog of over 150 movies that you can check out right now and brand new episodes every monday featuring discussions about brand new movies like night school black klansman crazy rich asians black panther whatever the big movie out that weekend is the guys are on it and you want to be in on this conversation so movie lovers culture

lovers politic lovers comedy lovers this is your new favorite show subscribe to black man can't jump in hollywood on apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast today and now on to the show Hello, hello, hello Hi guys, hey Sydney Hey Marie, Marie, Marie Sydney, let's talk about why you're so excited I'm not actually I'm actually having a rough ass morning

But it's like you gotta fake the funk You gotta do that, I'm an expert in faking it I'm being fake as my titties right now Oh wow That's what I'm doing Up top sis, up top 23 seconds in Gotta break it in

You're gonna throw the word titties out Titties 26 seconds in do you fake the funk always um not all the time but like half and half you know we'd be running into people that you're like i don't really fuck with you but hey how you doing you know oh my god we were on the train sydney and i together being our loud black selves yes yes yes and this woman got on and she had like a interesting outfit on that's what you call it now she looked like a cat lady met a homeless lady and like she just wore their clothes yes and i leaned over to be like

Sydney, look, it was crazy. And she was like, hey, Marie. And I was like, this woman that I was getting ready to make fun of. Hey, Marie. And I was like, hi? And she was like, hey, Sid. Did she say hi to you? Yes, she said.

And then I had the devil wears proud of you. I had to whisper, that's such and such. And you were like, oh. Yeah, Sydney devil wears proud of me all the time. You have to be that friend that whispers in the other friend's ear just to let them know, hey, don't talk shit. We know who that person is. Yeah, I had no idea who the person. I mean I know who she is now

and the outfit makes sense now but she was trying to talk to us on the train and I was like you're not gonna have these white people thinking that we know you but we do

but we did now but we don't but we did we do but we don't it's fine but yeah I'm glad that I do that for you I feel like you've never

done that for me I can't remember anybody's name yeah I'll see a face like we had a show the other day together and that guy

that was online with his friend behind us He looked familiar, but I couldn't place his face. How do we know him? That guy. I know. I'm trying to place him, too.

I'm going through my Rolodex. We meet so many people. That's what it is. Sydney will hug somebody, and they'll be like, hey. And she's like, hey. And then I'll walk away and be like, who was that? And she'll be like, I don't know. So just, honestly, just reintroduce yourself every time you see us.

Because literally, I have no brain cells, and I can't remember. Well, I'm not even trying to remember. I don't have the capacity to care. Sydney, what were you an expert in this week? Ooh, you know how we had somebody on the, we had the cool mom expert, and you know how she was like, oh, you want to get your teeth done, da-da-da-da?

I took her up on her offer. I'm the expert in. No, don't be da-da-da-da. Don't be rushing through the da-da. We need those details. What's the da-da-da-da-da? The cool expert, remember? The cool mom.

The cool mom expert. She said, my husband is a dentist. He can fix your teeth. And at first I was like, no no no remind the kids what why your teeth needed to be fixed one of sydney's teeth fell out wow marie isn't that what we talked about on the episode i don't think i talked about it well y'all could cut that out but a whole piece of a tooth fell out a chunk of don't feel no the whole fucking tooth what happened was i was flossing and uh i was flossing in front of my cat and the

the tooth got got stuck on the floss and i just yanked it a little bit and then the tooth came out and then the cat was like meow and I was like god damn god damn and the cat packed his bag it's like you losing your teeth I gotta go I'm getting the fuck out of here

yeah so I went and I got half of my mouth done and I had to go back on Monday and it was disgusting yeah cause Sydney kept sending me pictures of her gross teeth it was pretty nasty but people take care of your teeth like don't drink Red Bull floss you got floss floss floss

or not Sidney because the floss was your tooth's downfall so I mean that's what literally broke the camel's tooth I guess

back back he let know his teeth and all of his teeth fell out but you he said like a lot of people don't floss

that's like where a lot of the decay come from like the your food getting stuck in between your teeth so people either don't floss

or they don't brush properly so take care of your teeth people but watch when I have my TV teeth I'll be blocking all of y'all

I'm going to be unfollowing people. I'm going to be brand new. When you get your TV teeth, can you make sure you get them in like a size medium? I feel like everybody in Hollywood, when they get their new teeth, they're an extra large. They don't come in a smaller size. You know, and it's crazy because the camera adds 10 pounds. So if you've got these big ass chiclets, they look even bigger. They look like, they look like, what are those things called?

They look like iPads. Yes. The teeth are too big and too white. Like Cardi B got her teeth fixed and it's like they're all the same length. you know what I'm talking about like it looks like she's wearing like a mouth guard yeah you gotta stain them a little bit you gotta no that's not what I'm saying if I'm getting new teeth they need to be white

you don't want to get an eggshell fresh out the box have the new teeth smell you don't want an alabaster tooth listen I just it's too much it's all too much okay Marie what were you an expert in this week so my roommate moved out this past weekend and so you went butt naked in her

overall and twerked all night I have this I have a room now with which to shoot self tapes oh yes I'm opening a studio

I'm lying because I need somebody to pay that rent so this week I was an expert in living like a person who can afford

to live by myself just for a week just for like a cool week you know so what do you do so what would you do if you lived alone

if I lived alone I would come in at whatever time at night and not gently close the door but like let it slam

Slam. You've been slamming doors. And then be like, ooh, ooh, ooh. So you slam and make noise? Then kick my shoes off, literally. Like, not bend down to take them off, but, like, kick them across the room and then start stripping immediately. Like, jacket, pants, shirt, bra, panties, on the couch.

The couch that, you know, we used to do our podcast on. Yes. I'm listening to music and, like, embarrassing songs. Like, songs that you don't want people to know you listen to. Like, Disney soundtrack songs. Like, Marie, are you listening to A Whole New World again? Last night, I got high and listened to One Sweet Day, like, legit 19 times. Wow.

It's a really good song. I love the score on Up. Up? The movie. Yeah, the Pixar movie Up. The score, sis? The score. Like, when they're showing you the compilation of him meeting his wife and then she dying.

You talking about that sad scene? The sad song! That's my shit, yo. I will just turn it on and ball. Just think about it. Where does the song go? Like, I don't know the song from Up. I don't remember, but I'm, cause I'm, I'm happy right now.

But when I'm depressed, I know it from like top to bottom. Yeah. Did y'all see Up? It's a sad ass movie. It is. Anyway, uh, one sweet day on a loop all night last night. Um. Did you play patty cake with your mouse?

No, Sydney. The mouse is dead. I haven't seen that mouse in like two months. I'm sure he died. Maybe he went on vacay. Maybe he went to Hawaii. Good. He could stay there.

Um, and then I've had people coming in to see the apartment. so you know I've been playing the yeah you know I don't let dishes sit in the sink and yeah you know I work too

but I too have a job but do you? No Okay My job is comedy and that's at night time but I need somebody

who's gonna move in who's not gonna be there during the day Yeah what's your can you list like the things you want My requirements in roommate

I need you to have a full time job I need you to work like a nine to seven Yes Like you got a job that you're supposed to be out at six

but you stay till seven Okay I need you to have the man that you go visit on the weekends. I don't want to see you Friday through Sunday. I need you to have some type of cooking

skill. I need you to meal prep and share. Right? Meal prep and share. I need you to know how to clean the bathroom because for some reason that's something that people don't know how to do in 2018. No, no. What's your favorite product to clean the tub in? Oh, I put a little bit of Ajax and then I

hit the sponge with some Fabuloso. So good! with some Fabuloso. Oh, when I used to clean. When I used to. When I used to clean. When I used to clean. Anyway.

Yeah. Do white people use Fabuloso? Is that a thing that y'all use? Do y'all know what that is? Well, y'all go to the bodegas, so y'all might know what Fabuloso is. I feel like white people will use a Lysol wipe for anything. Oh, for the bathtub?

For anything. For the toilet? Like, I feel like they'll just pull out a wipe and then, like, hit everything. Hit it real quick. A Mr. Clean magic eraser. And then you're like, you didn't scrub anything. No.

Okay, we have a, we have a. The guest is shaking her head like, you're right, we don't ask her these questions. But anyway, that's what I was an expert in this week. I feel like I'm killing it. Did you find the roommate yet? Sure didn't. We got to get you a roommate because you can't pay that rent by yourself. I don't want to.

And if, say for instance, you don't find a roommate, we're starting a GoFundMe. Oh, absolutely. I've seen people start these GoFundMes where I'm like, you should be fucking embarrassed. Embarrassed. You should be ashamed. Like, just get another job. Somebody posted something online the other day and she was like she posted screenshots of hers checking and savings balance and it was like 69 cents and 53 cents. I can't exist.

But that's where we are. That's where we are in social media. It's like be honest, be brave, be bold, like tell your story. I'm all for it. I'm for it. But then there's like we got to draw a line. Your story should be a lie. Like I should not know that you ain't got no.

I shouldn't know that you have a dollar and 26 cents to your name. Listen, Citibank closed my account. So honestly, closed it was like, we're done. We're done with you. They broke up with me. Citibank said, we're no longer interested in being your bank. Consciously uncoupled. So now I'll just be hanging out at the check cashing place.

They know me by first name as well. Yeah, they're like, Sidney. Sid, the check cashing place. The check cashing place. That's crazy. Speaking of somebody who doesn't use the check. Speaking of check cashing places. our guest is quite phenomenal uh she has a half hour on netflix yes she's all over town she's in

comedy central she's in movies she just got married let's talk about that yes yes she is the expert in hoteling because she is a traveler give it up for rachel feinstein thank you guys i love it here i love this room yes i'm glad you love it i like all the books i want to just deposit them into my dumb head. I don't want to take the time to read them, but I want all the information. We do have a library. I actually bought these books from my house. Yeah, I'm very impressed with, and it is

true about wipes. I use a wipe for everything. How do you clean your bathtub? I'll wipe it. I'm worthless. Let me begin there. No. But I'm just saying, like, in terms of, I'm a slovenly girl, you know? And that's what it said next to my Bumble profile when I was just

I'm a slovenly girl. I can tell by your hands that you're not doing no manual labor no you have some really nice hands the manicure is fresh as fuck did you just get it?

no that manicure is a month old no that's how little work she does her nails stink oh my god you have really nice hands

let me tell you oh my god thanks I always feel like they look great Rachel they're kind of wrinkly like elder hands no no these are definitely like

I'm married and I'm not doing anything today so we just had a wedding expert on the show you got married when? a month ago yeah how's it feel it was pretty fun i mean i know nothing about weddings i i uh wait can i curse

yeah okay i'm not i've never been like one of those wedding twats that's like imagined her day like i have no idea but i could i could give a shit about a flower or anything so we would go to the meetings like these pre-wedding meetings and they would ask me these questions and i never even heard of the question like this one was like she was like what do you want to do for your first look picture and i'm like what is that and she explained that before you know i'll have that voice too just that voice of that girl like beep beep like she knew everything she ever and how it was supposed to be done and i'm not a woman in that way like i don't know any of that like she saw you immediately and turned into a bff like she like she knew you forever oh my god so what

do you want your first look what does that mean she said that before the ceremony they do this thing where they take pictures of the bride and groom and they slowly turn the bride around for the groom to like behold her for the first time like and then they take pictures of that moment of him looking at her for the first time I was crying laughing I told him I was like when they turn me around you should just like look at me like I'm a bad omen just be like nothing

I didn't know that the bride and the groom saw each other before the ceremony now that like some photographers I guess do this I mean I didn't do it it was too dumb for words but they do it they try to like turn you around and then they like are supposed to capture the man's reaction I guess I told him I was like

you should just like spit in a napkin or something oh god just do you have any different options or something that is like so rude because it's just like well what do you do you know if i have money for this first look i got money for just the first and last together can we combine this is ruining weddings for me i thought the first look was when the doors open i see it and that's how we did it i was like i can't do that nonsense that's foolishness just zoom into his face at the altar get him there yeah i'm like i want to not act in a fool like that and then they asked me they said um or she was like so what's your color story for the wedding and i was like what's a color i'm like i don't know do they have

jaeger like i don't have any other questions i'm black and he's other she's like she's like what colors make you happy and i'm like i've never seen a color and it's turned my day or how dumb do you have to be that you're having like a shit day and then you just see periwinkle blue and start skipping i'm like my problems need i need like a cocktail of alcohol and compliments you know what i mean like it's it's not like i'm gonna see a flash of yellow and just start skipping and be like everything's gonna be all right they need to have your story rachel like we always see these wedding movies and it just it's like dramatic it's a lifetime channel it's like we need the real deal like people who just don't give a fuck it's like

that's how we did it we had comics marry us so it was like uh colin quinn in this comic tom papa he's a my uh husband is a fireman so it's a bunch of fire firemen and comedians No, that's not fire. Okay, go ahead. It was a real shit show. Yeah, like it was just a bunch of firemen and comics. And we had a piñata. I wanted a piñata.

Oh, what was the color story for the piñata? It was just a big fire hat and a microphone. And I just filled it with like airport-sized liquors and like Lucky Sevens and stuff like that. Oh, nice. It was pretty satisfying. So wait, this was at the wedding. This was not at the bachelorette.

No, we had a bachelor-bachelorette party that Hotel Tonight threw for us. That's this app that I that I am doing a campaign for where you can buy the hotel that night. You can which is how I plan things in my life is that evening something occurs to me and I'm on the road so much. So I just sort of hurl my body and then I wake up and I'm in Nashville. And I'm like, yes, that's why you're a hoteling expert. You keep saying it like you're like it's a hotel in a city. You're like you're the hotel, the hoteling expert.

I put the hotel. Tell us. Speak your truth I just hurl my body to different places and different people pick me up and you know I love being in hotels because I'm not clean and I like it that I just get to lay there and

be an animal When you go to hotels like for me I don't want anybody to come into the room if I'm in the room so I leave the do not disturb thing on the door from when I get there to when I leave I don't want them coming in to steal my marshals

squares my consignment clothes I don't know I just I leave that up there because I don't want them to come in and like move my stuff I don't mind them tinkering because they always do it better than I do you know like they always make my shit look better I don't mind them tinkering with my filings basement pile

if you're there for a couple of days though like that shit piles up and like if you wait to the end and they come in it's like you're an animal like you're really yes but I'm not there they won't see me right they can think that I'm an animal

but I've already checked out I'm laying there like eating macaroni and cheese in the room and I won't find a fork so I'll use a coffee filter instead that's

because I'm worth it I'm worth it I'm worth it listen ladies if she's married okay so you over here using utensils and shit you could use your coffee filter

and get you a man utensils and you ain't got no man coffee filter man yeah husband the first time I spent

the night at his house I was like our first date we went on I was like I went over there and I was like we can just cuddle

and make out I gave him my like rules for my Mormon sleepover or whatever and he was very nice about it and then in the morning I was about to leave

and uh but you know when you're like I'm like looking around his apartment like am I ever gonna see this motherfucker I'm looking at his pictures just inspecting his life

you go through the cabinets in the bathroom or no I did I opened that yeah you gotta do that yeah it was pretty standard man stuff yeah

and wait where does he live he lives in Greenpoint now I live there in Greenpoint okay so he's in the next part of Brooklyn cute cute cute yeah um

yeah he's like i'm looking through his things just look i mean looking at his pictures and i'm just like where do i fit into this life and then he walks out and he's like oh did you forget this i was trying to be all you know cute and whatever and uh what he brought me was um the longest goodwill receipt like you've ever seen like it was like a novella by goodwill wait and then stuck to the receipt was like a lollipop stick like i'd eaten a lot but stuck on the receipt such a princess and then some nylon like pantyhose i don't even usually wear pantyhose i think i wore them for an audition or something like that and then it was just the most disgusting cocktail of items you know i'm just sitting there like bye like trying to pretend like i'm the cleanest

loveliest girl and it just brings me this sloven pile um how did that fall out i guess it just fell out of my dumb sack i always have a too big bag like if you look at the bottom of my bag it's it's just great yeah my keys are usually in some peanut butter or something you know i guess i'm a wife now but nobody respects a mother that's a thing you know i remember watching this like this documentary about princess diana and like the paparazzi was like hounding her and she was like as a mother i just like a bit of privacy i'm sure you can understand like as a mother please just a bit of privacy with my children and i'm like i just want to start a sentence like that but nobody cares about as a wife you can't be like as a wife yeah shut up bitch they'd be like do you have kids

no suck a dude yeah it's true but the thing about your bag that's what we do we have overnight bags because you never know you could be going to one gig to another gig

and then all of a sudden a friend is like girl there's an after party at Will Smith's house are you ready yeah girl I got an evening gown in my duffel bag let's go

I usually do have a change of clothes yes I have a change of clothes change of shoes Sydney texted me last night like the after party for such and such is tonight I'm gonna try to get us in and I was like

I'm not dressed I don't have no makeup on my hair was to the side I was like you know what did you go no I couldn't get in

I couldn't get in I was like damn I was thirsty too I was like hey where you at you know when somebody texts you like last minute

like where are you it's like oh you want something right or you're already outside it's always a tricky text yeah cause it's like

do I wanna be where you want me to be or not yeah it's always a tricky text where you at home oh cool

I'm outside no I meant my dad's house oh home oh i'm at the precinct right now i know i'm at the club home club home right um okay so how long did you and this guy date for before you got real comfortable we dated about a year and and i remember when i was about to leave the place when his apartment that first night of our cuddling sleepover yeah i said the dumbest thing like i turn around i go next time i'll wear better panties and i'm like why did i just say that it's not a sexy sentence they weren't that

bad. They weren't like some grandma shit. I shouldn't even call attention. They weren't like the planned panties like when you're going to go to a guy house and you take your. Somebody go see these. Yeah. They weren't. But I'm like why did I even say that? It doesn't sound like a sexy sentence. It was just came out all awkward. It's not a sexy sentence. And I'm holding my goodwill receipt and I'm

like next time I'll wear better panties. And he goes. I remember he has like the thickest New York accent. His mom's Colombian but he grew and he grew up like deep Brooklyn. You know but he's got this thick New York accent. So he's like something to look forward to. That's hot.

Now that's sexy. Something to look forward to. That's sexy. Don't forget your receipt. It was pretty cute. I'm so, now like half my life is spent in firehouses. I'm so attracted to all of them. They're all like, there's a lot of them are like aggressively hot.

It's confusing. Okay, well go ahead and introduce me to some of these firemen after the party. Yeah, Marie is single as fuck and she doesn't have a roommate. So she has like a couple days. I got a whole room. She's got a whole room. I'll let you know about the next fireman party. Because sometimes they have parties.

That's how we met. my friend brought me to this fireman party and it was like an fdny christmas party she's a comedian she's married to a retired fireman and he they all get up on the bar they're giving speeches i was talking about this in my netflix special because they all have the same voice they they all talk like this like i love you it's a brotherhood we're not just friends but we're here for each other it sounds like a threat even when they're saying something beautiful i'm like why am i in trouble why do i feel like i'm under arrest for some reason every speech is like that like it's exactly He's like, F-D-N-Y, Foyer Fighters.

That's how it's pronounced. Foyer Fighters. Foyer Fighters. It's almost like Foyer Foyer. But they're kind of like comics in that, like, they just, they work a couple days a week. They have these weird, you know, like, hours and lives. And everybody kind of doesn't really understand what they do and asks the same sorts of questions about it. Well, yeah, because, honestly, I feel like we should just talk about firemen because I know nothing about them.

But I see the the the trucks all the time. And it's like there's not a fire all the time. Like, where are the trucks going? Well, they go to they go to basically these are their biggest calls. They go to people think that they smell gas in their building and usually it's nothing. And but their odor of get these calls all the time. And then a bunch of firemen come in and some guys embarrassed, like in front of his wife or she's talking to him, you know, and then they walk out. And I was like, do you laugh at people when you leave?

He's like, oh, yeah, all the time. But it's better to be safe than sorry. it's better if you smell gas you definitely have to hit somebody up yeah they smell gas they do that yeah a lot of their calls are definitely that and then um they get some stuck a lot of stuck elevators uh i'll come home and be like yeah two stuck elevators one call a guest one order a guest a dry fire dry fires happen because of the lint they people leave the lint in the dryers dryer fire yes i was like what is she saying he's like one dry fire dry fire dry fire right fire and so they go to yeah a lot of it's that and um imagine you wash your clothes you

separate the colors you throw them in the dryer and you come down and your clothes are on fire that's fucking nuts i would my filings basement shit is one of a kind my rayon polyester blend i mean they should all be on fire they should they should be dryer for you i would be stressed out about that they do building inspections you see him for that um they love to go to the grocery store they're always at the grocery store they sit around and eat too they're like comics they sit around and eat until somebody asks them to you know go on stage or whatever you know they they do a lot of sitting around talking shit too so he understands you he understands your life you're gone a lot how much do you travel i travel a lot and he's been coming with me everywhere so

he comes on the road all the time he's like where are we going next babe and then and then he'll get he'll lay on the bed with his app he's got an app for the fires and here's the other thing about firemen, they love the fires. They get upset when they miss a fire. They'll be like, look at this, babe. Beautiful job. Beautiful job. 10-75 private dwelling fire on all floors. Look at that. The guys are probably

going through the front right now. They're lowering the hydrants, getting the pumps ready on the rig. What's the fire app? I can't remember what it's called, but it's some FDNY app where they see all the latest fires. It's like CNN, but just for fires. Just for fires.

It'll just say which jobs, and he always speaks to me like i understand all these military codes he's like oh these boys are going to work it's not it's not 10 21 it's a 10 75 lowering the rigs right now with the hydrants you got the probes outside i'm like am i a person 10 75 a 10 75 is a fire is like a healthy job like you know like a second alum like these boys are going to work second alum the boys so when you say the boys that means everybody that's on a truck uh the truck yeah i mean they have certain they all have different posts he's a captain now so oh okay so he'll send some of his guys in this way or that way and they all have different ways of attacking the fire after when we first like had sex

afterwards i would act like he had a show called behind the fire behind the fuego oh my captain pete i'm gonna take you behind the fire and then i always acted like he had this show where he only had a t-shirt on and no boxers like i know my balls and dick around right now But I'm going to take you. But we're not talking about that. We're talking about what happens behind. He's like, nothing happens behind. That makes no sense.

Rachel, how does he even take you seriously? He can't. I put his captain's hat on all the time. As soon as I come home, I put it on my head. I'm like, respect the rank, please. I feel like after y'all have sex, you bloop him. You bloop him on the nose. You're like, bloop, bloop.

Thank you. I do. I throw a change on him. I'm an idiot. I'm a complete fool. I love it. But we have some good fun. I'm here for all of it.

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like away like two weekends a year but um he you know he works a couple days in a row overnights they call him 24s at the firehouse so he'll work a couple 24s and then and then uh i'm like you want to go to nashville this weekend or whatever and so he'll get a ticket and uh he likes to come along he likes to hang with the comics and you know usually comedians like they don't care for a boyfriend that's what i was gonna ask i'm like men male comics they bring their wives their girlfriends whatever and it's fine everybody accepts it but if you're a woman and you bring your man it's like wait why why would you do that exactly people are throwing dick at you anyway after a show so it's like why not bring your man usually people don't want that

guy anywhere around you know like at the table at the cellar they're like beat it we don't hear his dumb story yeah but i do feel like you can kind of people like fireman people he just he's cool so he's so different he's not trying to be funny at all he just kind of gets a kick out of it all naturally funny because we're like laughing at everything he's saying yeah he's like he's hot he's pretty cute yeah and so and it's like but he's not this he's it's so different so i think people have like a general kind of interest in it you know and he just doesn't have a headshot he's not trying to be part of our world so let me uh add a joke in here and that's what you for now like in the beginning you never know like three years down the road he's got this

fucking he loves to tease me he's got a notebook and you're like wait are you going to open mic well i'm turning the house into a open mic the boys are going to come over boys he loves to tease me because he knows that's my worst nightmare that he would ever want to do stand-up he's like yeah i got a tight five uh tight five i think it's good i think it's good i'm gonna send it directly to comedy said dear comedy central that's but no he has uh thank god no intentions but when he came out for the taping of the netflix special he had never been to la before and he had no he never been like on a set so he just wanders up to the director of the special and you know after the special you they tape you like walking they tape your entrance

you've been walking all the way through the crowd and it's like that awkward moment where you're like what is my arm always done when it's they don't do it before they do it after they do it after yeah they tape why do they do that i guess i'm not really sure but i guess like it's just like a separate shoot so they want to get the special in the bank first or whatever the term is and then they want to get all those little extra moments and so they have you walking from outside of the theater all the way in through people and it's just one of those long walks that feels so dumb and awkward as this camera's following you like I just felt like there's no way to do this naturally I'm like what's my elbow been doing but it looks kind of cool

when in the final product I watch it I always like it too it makes sense but it was funny because he was watching it and he's like he goes I don't think you should do that you know he goes you already did this special it's uh it shouldn't have you done I was like there's no information to offer anyway and then he waltzed up to the director and i watched him he's usually just eating chips i'm always wondering when i'm on the set i'm like is he like intrigued but is he looking over like her no she's usually just eating chips kind of looking around at the wall i'm like is he looking up at me like her life no he's usually yeah just eating some sort of doritos and he just walks up to this guy the director of the special and he's like i don't think you

should ever do that because you know like she already did the special right and then she does a long walk after she looks tired you should just let it go she looks tired he said she's exhausted because I think she's done and I was like Pete no you can't that guy you have no information that he could possibly was he drinking no he wasn't

he was just really he's just a man he's never been on a set he doesn't know but the best thing about a fireman is I was like I'm so sorry I was like he doesn't like I was like he's a fireman the guy's like thank you for your service like right away they always have a bunch of questions thank you for your service Rach we're gonna have you go back and do it again

we gonna run it one more time yeah that's they were he was then he just wanted to ask him all these questions about being a fireman so it's a perfect excuse when he's a fool that's good for you that you were able to do both you know get you a man that's also like cool like people like firefighters it's fun when i'm on a plane i'll tell everybody like i try to use it to get free stuff he's always shaking his head as a firefighter i'm like i don't know if you have like first responder upgrade they're like that's not a thing oh my god rachel get you know do what you got to do it again, but you can get them. Oh, I do. They'll be bringing the beverage cart down. I'm like,

I'll have a ginger. He's a fireman. He's always like, that's not useful right now. And then they're like, thank you for your service. And they give him like a little gin. They send him an extra bag of chips. They're like, this is on us. And you're like, but they're free.

My ticket was $900. Give me all the chips. Yeah, I'll use it. I'll use it. I'm a firewife now. I'm telling everyone. A fire wave. Rachel, tell me about some of these hotels you've been at. What's your least favorite hotel to stay in?

I hate to do you like this, Howard Johnson's, but I've had some tough nights. Howard Johnson's? Where is it? It sounds like it's in like Florida somewhere. What is Howard Johnson's? I think I did stay in Howard Johnson's. It was Tampa, I believe. Okay.

When I first started stand-up, I would stay in hotels where, I mean, like I would go on Orbitz at the time and I would get like a $40 hotel room. And I'm like, you can get a hotel for $40. But meanwhile, it's like, no, you can get an actively dangerous hotel. Like there'd be holes in the sheets, like terror, terror. There was many terror years of just staying in the most jacked up trifling places. And it was fun because you're like, this is what I'm doing. I love comedy.

You're not used to like a nicer, like you can do a janky place until you stay in a nice place. And then you're like, oh, fuck out of here. Yeah, I've been doing this wrong. You will not catch me at the Quality Inn again. Oh we went We did some shows In Miami last year And we stayed at

The Quality Inn And they were like There was a little cover On the In the drain In the bathroom And they were like Make sure you leave

That closed Cause things crawl up At night There was a roach In our room Sydney went to Put her shoe on There was a roach

In the shoe The roach had a bikini On and everything The roach was tanning And what not Threw the shoe Off the balcony The roach had a bikini

It was amazing The roach was like You should try the pina colada No, quality in, it's jacked up. No, quality in is not quality. Are we at a motel? If it says in, you're already on shaky ground. And they always try to downplay the in-ness.

They'll be like, it's a boutique. I'm like, no, no. Boutique is a jacked up, actively dangerous room. It's not a boutique hotel. We read the Yelp review. One of the Yelp reviews was like, oh, there was like four or five gunshots. Someone got killed.

I would have come back if it wasn't for the gunshots I probably would stay here again and they don't care they really don't care they'll send any sex offender to pick up the comedian from the airport I've been picked up by some of the most

suspicious characters where they're just crackling with insanity you can feel their insipid you get off the plane and you're like is that Suge Knight with my name on a piece of paper you Marie get your bag actually

no cause you know how they grab your bag for you when you get the driver who's like pull your own shit you're like oh

that rude ass the rude ass driver that won't lug your tiny carry on I remember doing this gig in Vegas and they sent this guy pick me up from

the airport he was wearing like a Halloween shirt and it was like July you know and just I had the biggest

dumbest suitcase I used to call my suitcase the red dragon it was this big pile of garbage but i brought it everywhere i was always with the red dragon and he i'm pulling it up those airport stairs he's watching me like nothing not even the tiniest hand he like looked at his phone he was like uh you're gonna be a while yeah just watching me just lugging the dumb red dragon i mean and it was it was heavy yeah many airport stairs the the elevator was broken

he didn't give a fuck wow he's like yeah i'm not gonna pay that much for this so you just want to do it yourself you're just gonna have to figure it out so the howard johnson howard johnson sounds like a like a a dude who has like really good meat at his barbecue yo you're gonna all howard and they grilling today at howard howard johnson's on the grill and it does it sounds like good barbecue bad hotel yeah yeah fine fine fine pork he's grilling he's grilling with those sandals those like grated sandals yeah the sandals with the with the little buckle yes yes yes yeah the brown ones um but i'd say the good ones uh we they they threw us a bachelor bachelor party at this at dream hotel love the dream that was beautiful that was really lovely service is great yeah that

was good they'll give you anything anything you get a dumb urge at 2 a.m you know for some sort of specific avocado egg thing aka coke aka cocaine aka drug hey i would like eggs uh eggs benedict um ketamine just put the ketamine inside the egg eggs been a dick you got dick down there bring it up

no no the dream hotel is cute they did you go to the pool they have a pool there yeah and they put like they made us

a little party with they put fire hats in the they had a hot tub in the room and they put a bunch of firemen oh you had a hot tub

we had a hot tub they gave us a it was a pretty sweet party yeah wow yeah it was really fun they had people come by of do like cryo facials and and nails and wait what massages it was a big hotel the dream hotel that sounds like a dream yeah that's how you do that's how you do a bachelorette like yeah

the stuff like chill all the dicks and the stripper like no thank you you don't need digging she's got a fireman she's married to a fireman he's literally doing that on a Monday dating a stripper right now yeah she's married to one he's a fighter she don't need a straw with like a dildo on it. A straw with a dick on it? No, thank you. Yeah, there were no dick necklaces. I was proud of that. I had a bachelorette party with not a dick necklace in sight. Wow. Did you have

any crazy... Not a dick straw. Any crazy requests for room service? Did you do any of that? I mean, usually I just like, I like to have a lot of milkshakes at dumb hours. I love a milkshake. I know, I eat like a six-year-old. It's like one croissant, one milkshake.

Just the dumbest orders where they're like, are you an adult? What kind of milkshake are you going for? I love a chocolate milkshake and I love a strawberry milkshake. No, I like a vanilla milkshake. That's the only milkshake I want. Yeah, vanilla is very satisfying.

Like a thick milkshake that when you try to drink it through the straw it comes out real slow. It hurts. Yeah, when I have a hangover I do enjoy a vanilla milkshake. It's very soothing.

Yeah, it is. It's a good time. Yeah, I remember Chris Rock had this joke about hotels about how once women experience something they always want that. Like what you were saying about the quality in.

Once you leave the quality in, Like, once you stay at the other place, that's it. And he was talking about how, I'm sure I'm going to butcher this Chris Rock joke, but he was talking about how his wife, he's like, I still, when I'm at the plaza, I'm like, the plaza, you know? Like, yeah. And he said, here's his wife calls downstairs, like, I said cinnamon toast, you know? She's already expecting the exact thing she had last time.

He's like, I'm so thankful to be there. She's like, cinnamon, cinnamon toast. I've been in the plaza, but I've never stayed at the plaza. I never stayed at the plaza either. The plaza, the sheets on their beds. Oh my, it's like Egyptian. Sydney, who were you at the plaza with? Let's break that down.

Listen. Who did you go with? Just know that I was at the plaza with somebody who was paying for the plaza. Somebody who was paying for the pussy. Paying for the pussy. No, it's a friend. Somebody else is paying for the hotel for her. The plaza and the Four Seasons and the World of Historia.

You were just with a friend at all three of those places? the three like most expensive hotels in Manhattan I would hop with friends that just they just got just got it like that just getting hotels getting ho tales what Rachel Rachel's doing

hotels we stayed at another like hope we did another hotel tonight thing where they or they the whole family got together to like meet each other or whatever and my dad I might see we're not like his family they know how to fix things Jews We don't know about that.

My dad just takes like sickly naps. You know what I mean? Sickly naps? I mean, he's a great man, but he doesn't know how to fix things or operate a fuse box. I mean, he's impressive. He's a civil rights lawyer and a blues musician. Your dad? Yeah, he could play.

Your dad is Bill Clinton? He plays a set? That's what I was going to say. He plays piano and Zydeco accordion, and he's incredible. He plays all by ear. Accordion. Your dad be like. Accordion, harmonica.

Yeah. He got the little hat, too. Hurricane Howie. He wears a tiny vest. Does your dad wear a vest? He wears a little tiny... He wears the Mardi Gras beads in the New Orleans vest. He wears the Aladdin vest.

With like an undershirt. Does he do this on the train? Does he, like, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. He plays at, like, blues clubs in D.C. now, you know, and he teaches civil rights now, and he just plays blues at night. But he doesn't know how to fix a thing. Like, you know, if a tire's out, forget it.

He's not the man to call. You know, he'll just call a doctor if a tire's not working. So I was trying to explain my dad to him, and I'm like, and my dad meets him and this is the first thing he says to him in the hotel lot. It's so humiliating. He goes, you're a fireman?

And then he goes, tell you what, I got a dead squirrel in the backyard. Maybe you could help me out with that. A dead squirrel? I'm like, he's a fireman. He's not a taxidermist. No. Your dad has a dead squirrel

and he asked him to get rid of it. He asked him to help him with it. Yes, because you have to dispose of these animals properly. You know how you do that? You get a bag, right? No. You throw it over the fence to the people. next door, then you turn the bag

inside out, throw it out of the way. No, you can't do that. You throw it at the neighbor's yard and now, ta-da! It's a fine if you don't... It's magic. It's a fine. I don't have a yard. A squirrel dies, I'm

sliding it with my foot across the street and then I'm gonna be like, well, that's a squirrel. Yo, say for instance, you have a dead possum in front of your building, like you have to call them. I've never even seen a possum in real life. I don't think they live in Brooklyn.

You call it animal control or something. Not firemen, but listen. My dad goes, you take care of that dead squirrel carcass for me. Here's a beautiful sentence, very classy. He goes, you take care of that dead squirrel for me, Peter. I'll tell you what, I'll slip you a 20. I'll slip you.

That's what he said to your future husband. It's not a slip, first of all, if you announce it ahead of time. And he looked at me like, is he serious? I was like, about everything except for the 20. a red scent from Howard I don't know why people are so weird about animals my friend

Valerie was in her car driving and a bunch of geese jumped into like they were crossing the street and she hit them she hit a bunch of these geese and she was like oh my god she's like a person with feelings and she like pulled over to the side

and people were driving by and they were like you're a monster people were calling the cops on my friend because she hit a bunch of geese crossing the street real slow

and the cops were like um yeah we can't like there's nothing that we can do yeah we don't respond to geese slayings is it black geese

they're like we don't really but people were driving by and they were my friend's like crying in the driveway like they're like you're a monster

you should burn in hell it's like oh she just accidentally hit the geese how do you accidentally hit geese though it's a whole group of them it's not one

it's a school of geese a school of geese you can see them there's a fucking line is that what you call it a school a gaggle a gaggle it was a gaggle

which guy is the fact checker here I like no one a flock it's not a school of geese his expression

the whole hour is so cute he just like has the most attentive learning and this one and the other guy just looks like

he's not interested he's not listening he's just like yeah let's go to a caller you know he's perched and learning yeah

Anyway, people are weird when it comes to animals. But I don't want to see animals in my hotel. I don't want to see them on my balcony. I don't want to see them in the pool. How do you feel about a hotel pool? Because a lot of them I feel like are gross. I guess if you think about it, they're gross. But I don't really care about germs.

I forget about germs. Some people walk around and they really are aware of potential germs. We know that you don't care about germs. I'll share anybody's cup. I don't care. I mean, you're using Clorox wipes for everything. I do. I love a wipe.

I've always loved a wipe Now when you stay in different hotels Do you I bring my own pillowcases Do you? Wow Marie is like staying in certain places She has flip flops to get in the shower The bitch is a lot

If I stay in an Airbnb I'm bringing my own sheets I'm stripping the bed I'm putting my sheets down I'm sleeping on them And then I'm rolling them up And making the bed at the end of the trip Marie shamed me the whole time we were in this hotel She's like, ew, you're not wearing any sandals in the shower.

Ew, you sleep in those sheets. You're putting your bare face on the pillow. My best friend growing up, she does the same thing to me. She's like, Rachel, gross. Like, every impulse I have, she finds foul. Yeah, but we're at the quality inn. Cindy already put her foot on a roach. She's in the shower with no shower shoes on.

I've never worn a shower shoe in my life, in my dumb life, Rachel. I'm throwing on an old baby flip-flop to get in the shower. Really? I didn't even know shower flip-flops were a thing. Oh, my God, Rachel, you're so good. I got in the shower and the roach had a towel on. Excuse me. The roach had his hair up.

He was like, excuse me, I'm not finished. Could you not? Could you not? Wait, do you guys wear shower shoes? I know I'm probably not supposed to address the gentleman during a live recording here, but I need to know. Men are gross. It's the unfamiliar.

It's the unfamiliar. You don't listen. I don't bring a shower sandal. I've been in friends' houses and I've gotten in their shower with my flip-flops on. Wow. You must have the loveliest feet. Yes, but not with a shoe, a closed shoe. I'll pick a squirrel with a dead shoe.

I mean, a closed-toed shoe. I'm not going to have a sand... Like, I'm not doing it in a Birkenstock. See, I always just assume that I'm the one that should apologize for whatever I'm bringing to the table. Like, when we used to leave friends' houses when I was a kid, my mom used to get... I had to go back to the house if I didn't do this

to find the father or the mother and say, like, thank you for having me, Mr. Kaplan. If I didn't say thank you for having me, then I got a nice, good, sweet smack upside my head in the car. You have to say thank you for having me But I still feel like that I walk around like thank you for having me

I'm sorry about whatever I left I leave housekeeping a note I leave them a little tip And I leave them a note Cause I'm the type of person who leaves the heat on Very high in my room I'll leave a mess One hotel

I went to I think it was the Sheraton They fixed my makeup Cause it looked like it exploded all over they organized everything and when i immediately i saw it and i was like those bitches saw my shit and then i was like oh wow everything's here they just like made it very neat they make it all nice they put on a tissue they make that little tissue oh my god i do that by myself y'all are trash i left a note i left my 20 dollars i said thank you so much you left 20 dollars for the people because they fixed your makeup listen and i was at one uh i went to another hotel and

i gave a tip and the woman was like they don't do that here thank you so it was why did you make the lady sound like a slave they don't know that we can read it was actually a white woman i was like oh my god there's a white slave here i'll be back come on hannah i'll be back uh that's awful no don't touch my makeup don't i just i put the i put the hand towel down and i put my makeup on top of that i didn't do that so i already do that and then i put a towel down in front of the uh tub so when i step out kind of woman i want to shower shoes yeah like i'm not sleeping it's not classy i'm just i'm too germaphobic whatever just like like touching things no i mean you're on a tight shit that's a lot i always wanted to be one of those lovely like have you

ever look at my mom's like things on her dresser and she would always have them just her she looked like such a perfect lady dresser and her i don't have one of those like that oh i pictured your lady dress are very impressive it's cocoa butter to the side Rachel you edibles you take your outfits out of the suitcase and hang them up you do that oh do you do that that tells a lot about a woman you don't do that sometimes he gets mad at me because he he wants me to unpack as soon as I go home but and I'm like no why do you care when somebody else unpacks I can't relate to that why could that possibly bother you when I unpack my suitcase but he he is very organized so I never unpack immediately I let whatever

settle whatever dust settle to the bottom whatever quality in juice settle especially when you're on the road a lot you know that unpack repack it's like that's my whole life give it let me give it a moment I just let the suitcase sit there for a couple days and I live out of the suitcase when I get home too me too sometimes

did you know that that little weird stand thing at the hotel is for you to unpack your suitcase yes did you know that I did know and I only learned it like after I've been on the road for like 12 years I was like yeah okay I'm a slow learner but now I put it there

you gotta pick your suitcase up and put it on that thing and that's what you're supposed to and also did you know you get a good packing tip is you put your stuff in your shoes put your socks in your shoes or like if you want to stuff more things in a suitcase you put things inside of shoes I learned that

from um nah I thought you were supposed to sit on the suitcase to pack it I do that too sit zip yeah I do sit yeah if you wear spandex that's great for packing because you literally keep folding and folding rolling rolling is also better than folding for packing less wrinkles if you roll i've learned a few fun loving tips on my way sydney irons at the hotel she'll use the iron wow yeah and i'm like girl i just use that spray there's like some iron for downy yes i use that it is that trial size

it's good no it's good it works but you spray it on something that's wrinkled and it'll unwrinkle yes yes but we were at the stratosphere and let me tell you they put a lock they put a lock on the motherfucking iron and table it was crazy i was like who is stealing ironing boards and irons here in vegas this is trash i can't believe you stayed at the stratosphere that's gross anyway uh i don't iron things yeah because i came to see my friend to make sure she was still alive I say have you done Vegas like what hotels

have you stayed in there let's see I was at Harrah's which is the you stay at the hotel there like the Harrah's hotel God I mean I stayed like when I'm opening

for Schumer we stay at the nice places like the Ritz and stuff like that are you friends with Schumer okay Rachel yeah we have a podcast together yes name them names

it's called three girls one Keith it's me Schumer Keith Robinson I love Keith I know, Keith is my buddy. He's so grumpy, it's great.

He's hysterical. All the grumpiest uncle in the world. Yeah, it's just Keith, Amy, me, and our friend Bridget. So we have a podcast together on Spotify. Three girls, one Keith. Word. But yeah, she was my bridesmaid, Amy. How was that?

It was fun. Yeah, she was a good bridesmaid. Yeah, what it's like to have a famous bridesmaid? She was pretty cool. I mean, neither of us know a lot about like- And she ain't doing none of the shit you ask. Like, because people will be asking a lot of bridesmaids. Like, you got to go to all these parties.

You got to plan, plan, plan. You gotta send out emails You gotta wear the ugly dress Did you have an ugly dress for the bridesmaids? No, I think they were pretty cute They were just normal long navy dresses Navy, that's good They were pretty cute

They really liked them I just had two I don't know about stuff like that Everybody was telling me what I was supposed to do You gotta make sure the bridesmaids aren't as pretty as you And you're like, I'm not worried about this At all I'm the bride, I'm getting married

Yeah, I didn't know about anything like that. Like it was his mother that would call me up and she would tell me things that I and she had a vision for the wedding. You know, she had been dreaming about the day her whole life. Exactly. My mom is like super liberal. She's just like, I hope it's a rock and time. You know, like she doesn't care at all. Yeah, she's like, yeah, she was like weddings rock. And like she had no insight to offer. And his mom was like, sweetheart, I see the suit that I see on the Tony's. I would like Peter to wear this suit is from a person named Joshua. He's an actor named Joshua from the Tonys, honey. Can you wear this suit? Ah, I love it. And it was Josh Groban. But I was like, I was trying to figure out what is the, your mom wants you to wear the suit of Joshua from the Tonys. I'm like, what?

Josh Groban. She's like, it's a tuxedo, honey, from Joshua from the Tonys. It's a tuxedo, honey. Learn about it. I love the accent. She's like, Peter can wear the tuxedo from Joshua from the Tonys. And then I found Joshua from the Tonys. And I was like, oh, you know what?

The tuxedo is kind of sharp. So I was like, you want to wear a tux? So we had him basically in the same tux as Joshua from the Tonys. have one at the Tony's. I think it was this. Like a Dolce and Gabbana. I have to remember the name of the brand. It's on my phone. He had a Tom Ford one. John Bavaro. We got like the lower

rent version of that, but it was still nice. You got the Fashion Nova version. Exactly. It's called Indochino. They're in Soho. It's like a good tux place. It's a good tux place, but it's on like Dolce and Gabbana. But you also weren't going to like Burlington Co. Factory for these suits. No, it was somewhere in between.

it's like oh target does tuxedos they got a black label now conscious brand i'm here for all of that okay so we talked about your is there anything that like is there a like an inside thing that you know about hotels that you feel like people don't take advantage of well people don't know or sydney even well i mean this isn't really this is not in any way inside but so the answer to that is no but you can eat I mean there are a lot of great snacks in that little fridge and I say just give them to yourself I'll stuff every fun loving treat

right in my face I know you gotta pay for it I know and it's overpriced and it is but I like those snacks like one time I saw Twizzlers $10? No fucking way $10? I was like is this the movie theaters

like why is Twizzlers this much? This is what you gotta do Rachel before you get to the hotel you gotta to go to like a Walgreens or a CVS or a Duane Reade and pick up all your snacks from there, then eat them in your room. Yeah, no, that is true. I do sometimes do those drugstore trips. I'll get myself some sort of protein bar.

Like a giant water. Yeah, one of those big old waters. Yeah, I go, I do some lunges in the gym. I'm the kind of person, when I wait, when I work out, I don't know if you guys feel like this, I work out for two minutes and in my mind, I think I'm taking over the world. Like I'm such a dick. Like I'll do like half a lunge. and you're like oh let me look at my legs and see if i can see the muscles already yeah and in my

mind i'm like motherfuckers better step the fuck back i'm like you just checked a text message i did like one side lunch get over yourself but i i work out for like three minutes and i really do i think i'm like lebron i'm just fucking on the treadmill like fuck you bit and i'm just like relax you did like what's almost nothing excuse me what time i'm sorry but as soon as i start at the gym like i just play a little music and i think i'm a hero for like i'm in my mind i really am i'm like connor mcgregor or something but you got a lot of personalities i can tell you got a lot going on in that noggin you got so many you got a lot of a lot of people in there a lot of voices i see i see i just when i'm at the gym i do i work out for a few minutes and i think i'm

the truth but nobody else feels like this men gentlemen oh god they're he's completely out of it i work out for a little bit and someone back me up don't you ever kind of like it takes a few minutes and you really think you're taking over it depends it's like what song are you listening what song what music too short too short blow the whistle okay that's why i'm sorry it's a very fun song but i was on the treadmill i mean i was on that stair thing the other day and uh i'll take a compliment wherever i can get it this was really sad moment because there's two kids they were maybe like 23 24 or something and i'm on that stair thing and i just hear one of them talk to the other one i was just doing this and he goes yes yes like he was pointing over me i was like

oh that's so sweet he's talking about me that actually brightened my day that's what it is i was like how sad it was just one nudge and he just went yes yes it was just like a nice man two 23 year olds from jersey he didn't mean for me to hear it it was supposed to be a private exchange he was just pointing out the ass to his friend and i was like i was touched but did it make you like arch your back and poke your butt out a little bit more yeah i tried i wanted to show him i was like that's right i'm thicker than a snicker thicker than a snicker right I think you need a shirt I think you need a shirt boo you got to get that on a sweater um wait I had like a tip I had a tip if you check into your hotel late like the overnight when you

are like nice to the overnight people um at the front desk they fucking hook you up like when we went to the Sheraton I was talking to the overnight guy and he's like I'm not supposed to tell you this but they have a breakfast at a certain time and it's people pay extra for this breakfast but I'm going to tell you what time to go. I'm going to put your name on the list. I mean, the breakfast wasn't shit. It was bagels and orange juice. But it was cool to go there and just, you know, get those powdered eggs and whatnot and fruits.

But it's just like, be nice to the overnight people. They're there. They don't want to be there. See what they're doing, how they're feeling. And just like, talk them up so that they can like, give you stuff. Also, the nicer the hotel, the better the breakfast. Like, the nicer the place you're staying, the better the food is going to be. Like if you say I stayed at the Wynn in Vegas and my sister and I were eating like frittatas and like splitting up like a crunchy brioche French toast quality in it was like you get these Nutri-Grain bars that expired in 2008.

No, they're going to tell you to go to the vending machine down the hall and maybe there'll be some ice next to it. And a box like a box full of bagels. I've seen that cardboard box. They have them at those FDNY picnics. They'll have. I'm like, come on. these boys deserve better than a box full of hardened bagels a box of bagels it was a box yeah a cardboard box of bagels and i was talking to some of the firemen i was like thinking

i was gonna find the one liberal fireman you know what i mean because like because i'm in my mind it's really confusing because like i said i'm really attracted to all of them but i but i want to pick political fights with it so it's confusing because i'm like actively aroused but i want to like you know yell at him about hillary clinton or whatever so i uh i go up to this one fireman And I thought like, I was like, I think I found like the one hippie. He was like, he goes, you know, I love, I love nature. He goes, I love nature. I love being outside.

Just being, he goes, I love flying planes, you know, being up in the sky. That's all I need. He goes, just a blue sky, a sandwich and my gun. Why? Why do you need a gun? Why would you need a gun? To shoot a, to shoot a bird? I was seriously, I was opening up my body.

I was like, I found the one liberal. And he's like, and my gun. I'm like, what is the threat? You're in the sky. You don't need it. Sometimes you just want to shoot somebody, you know what I mean? You know, just a blue sky, a sandwich, and my gun. A sandwich and a gun pair as well.

That's what it is. A sandwich pairs well with a gun. Yeah. The thing is, I love a uniform. So I can't, I'm a sucker for a uniform. I had to stalk her online for a while. I had to go file a police report. She would write these long emails to me.

It was a woman. Hold on, let me sit down. Single white female. Okay. She would write these long emails to me, and it was just basically harassing emails. But she would write to comedy clubs complaining that I smelt right. It was all about smell and odor. So one of them should be like and she'd buy all these domain names like Rachel Fart Smelling Feinstein.

It's so humiliating. She'd buy and buy these domain names and then write these long harassing letters and just emails after she met you before. Yeah. I mean, I think she saw me once at a show and then I found out that she was also harassing like a local rabbi near where she lived. You know, OK. And she was writing him a lot of anti-Semitic emails, which is funny because she's Jewish, but she's insane. But she was writing him all these emails about how he smelled and he had a bad odor and he was a potty odor. A lot of like potty odor at Feinstein dot com.

Like she'd buy all these domain names for me and the rabbi about how we both equally sunk. So I had to finally go and I had to finally go file a police report. And part of me was like a little excited because like I want to go like I just like I like a uniform, you know. But then I had to go into the police station and read the emails, which is so humiliating. I'm like, they're like, well, what do they say? And I'm like, they say they call me Rachel Burns. Wait, so this is weird. So you met this woman at a show and she's like, hey, big fan.

And you're like, actually, you have to run to another show. And she was like, I think I had a brief encounter and she didn't like how short it was. So she decided to let me know that I was a smelly bag. So she spent money on all these domain names? She would buy domain names for hours a day, me and the rabbi. And I wonder what the rabbi did to her. He didn't feel like the way he made her read her. Well, maybe she was trying to convert.

You know, the rabbis have to ignore you a couple times if you're trying to convert. Are you saying that because you saw Sex and the City? Yes, I did. That's what it was. Because Charlotte got ignored. Okay, girl. All right. She's like, you know they have to ignore you.

I'm like, all right. Okay, Sydney. You know they have to play hard to get, you know? Okay. I shouldn't read any of this stuff but I read everything and you're not supposed to there's some guy named Mr. Twatwaffles that writes under all my YouTube videos

his screen name is Mr. Twatwaffles and I still read every comment I'm like why do I care what Mr. Twatwaffles has to say about me wait what happened with the stalker we want to know oh sorry so I filed the police report and and then she

we had a court date but she ended up getting called back in because she threatened to bomb an airport and so she's back in jail now anyway so I didn't have to I never ended up having to go to court she's in jail some of these people well what airport did she threaten to bomb

BWI not airports are created equal like LaGuardia is trash and Newark as well Newark is also high garbage they were like yes please bomb this place we've been trying to get rid of it for years my brothers I never told my parents because I don't want to worry them my brothers

are such idiots they thought the whole thing was hysterical because she was calling me like fart smelling fines they thought it was really funny and um my brother said he was going to show up he's like i'm not really sure whose side i'm on you know for the trial they kept talking about the trial as if there was going to be an actual trial so i have to change her name for this but they were like my brother said he was going to wear a sweatshirt that said i'm on kelly's side and like sit on her side and he made up the sweatshirt on the computer you know how you show somebody the shirt my brother likes to make fake ridiculous and said like i'm on kelly's side It was a picture of her mugshot for harassing me.

There's a mugshot in air thing. There's a mugshot. How do we get this shirt, Rachel? I'm going to show you after. Yeah, we want to see it. I'm going to show you. She looks kind of like Tom Petty. She's haunting.

Tom Petty? Yeah. Rachel, that's rude. Tom Petty. That's so mean, but I love it. I mean, she did, you know, buy a lot of fart-smelling Feinstein websites. Is she old? Is she young?

Also, she sound white. She's white? Yes. Obviously. She got all the time. For the record, I want to, you know. Most of my stalkers are white. There was only one.

Most of my stalkers are white, Rachel. Black women be busy. We be busy. We got like 12 jobs. We got two kids. We're dealing with our own stalkers. There was one black guy that wrote me a lot of emails, but his name was Tony on the grill,

and he just told me he wanted to cook for me. See, Tony on the grill. That's Howard Johnson's son. Tony's on the grill at Howard's house. But they were like pleasing, because like I would look at the meals, and a lot of them looked really good. And they were made on a George Foreman.

It was kind of sweet. It wasn't even fully stocking. Wait, Tony on the grill was sending you pictures of food that he was cooking. He would just be like, boo, I just want to cook for you. I'm thinking about you. Boo, I just want to cook for you. And listen, it was on a George Foreman. Some of the best meals I've had was on a George Foreman.

The small one. The small one, the travel size Foreman. I'm done. I got to go. We got to wrap this mother effing episode up. Some of my best meals were on the grill. Shut up, Sidney. The meals looked tasty, and it was difficult to know.

So is that stalking, or is that like pursuing? I don't know. That's not stalking. that's a fan he's persistent it was kind of sweet he always had a picture of the meal

he was like I just want to feed you no no no when you zoomed in to those pictures of the food was his dick in the corner like you left

the bottom corner his dick was there and you're like well listen if it was just like a steak a catty corner to a dish

Rachel if you would have gave him some time you wouldn't be with a firefighter you would have a man with a grill at the table

they would accept a man with a grill no you're actually right but firemen all cook because they have to cook for the whole firehouse so my husband cooks a lot anyway

but I did show him too yeah they have four men's they love grilling firemen but i did show my husband some of the meals tony made he agreed they looked we should have them come by the house you should invite him over for thanksgiving girl yeah i mean it was nice to me he told me i was thick and he just wanted to help me get thicker it was nice i'll tell tony to call me yeah i'm trying to get trying to get thick since 1999 i can use an extra thigh or two you know i'm gonna find some of of Tony's meals right now. Yes, Rachel, now, this is dumb.

I shouldn't even mention this, but it's, it's... You gonna mention it anyway, though, so... You know, because I want to get it right. Go ahead. I was wrong.

It's not Feinstein. It's Feinstein. So I said that in the beginning, you didn't even correct me. Well, everybody says Feinstein. I don't really care. I feel like my name is... You should care.

You know, Ariana Grande is actually... It's Ariana Grandy. It's Grandy? It's Grandy. That was the one time you said Grandy. Cindy, don't flip the table.

this Teresa Judite wait it made me so angry I'm trying to find Tony on the phone it's Ariana Grande it's Grande Grande doesn't sound

as good as Grande she knew that that's why she's like it's Grande but it's really Ariana Grande is Ariana even her first name I don't even know

because Rihanna's not her first name but somebody kept saying her Grande Grande Grande and finally she was like Grande it's my grandfather's

it's my grandfather's name that's why I wanted to keep it I want to start calling her it wanted me to uppercut her so hard because I was like well why don't you correct people

Well because this is the thing too Because when I was little People used to say Marie Faustin Faustin Faustin Those people are stupid How is it pronounced

It's Faustin That's Faustin It seems like it would be pronounced It's Faustin It's Faustin But when I was in like first grade I let people call me Faustin Rachel you should have

You should have just You could have read me You could have You should have uppercutted her Yeah No but the thing is The thing is it's like I've always hated my last name

I feel like It's not a hot name If somebody wants to My name has cock-blocked me My whole life If somebody wanted to set you up With Rachel Feinstein it's not sexy

you're like let me see some pictures I'm going to give you I'm going to give you like 70 photos before I'm comfortable meeting her is that a dick

in the corner of the photo okay oh she got a George Foreman though Sydney the grill that's all you need sis is the grill yeah the only thing

more Jewish than Rachel Minorowitz or something it's a lot not a hot name Rachel I always wanted to change it to like O. Feinstein

just something well you got a new last name now no I didn't change my last name bitch high five keep it at this point

I may as well keep it you didn't hyphenate no his last name is Brennan and there's too many comics with the last name Brennan so yeah Neil

no thank you so I didn't yeah there's we got Neil and Kevin and yeah I can't be the third Brennan comic so

but when I was a little all I wanted was a new last name like they would say my name and roll and I was like ah no don't say it

it cock blocks me you know what's a good last name Faustin whatever bitch something that sounds rich something that sounds oh Faustin

like York or Custis or Washington Washington is your last name I always wanted my name to be Rachel Washington you gotta marry Sydney's brother that was one of the ones I would write or you could just marry Sydney yeah but Sydney is not a fireman

Sydney's not a fireman that's so funny because I didn't know your last name but I used to write it on my trapper keeper Rachel Washington Rachel what's your husband's first name Pete? Peter Brennan Peter I'm about to take your bitch she mine now

oh my god we gotta go Rachel this has been so fun you are hilarious I had the best time here is there anything you want to leave the listeners with either about firemen or hotels or stalkers hotel tonight you can get a hotel that night that's how it works

you open up the app and you just get like good deals on like that very evening you could be living life not trife but living life I wrote that they want nothing to do with that rhyme but that's me They were like, no. Please don't say that.

Christ. Nah. What are you, ludicrous? What? Well, I learned today that it's Ariana Grande. Grande. And that actually doesn't sound good at all. Uh-uh.

Ariana Grande. And I'm at Gotham Comedy Club this weekend, too, but I don't know when this is going to air. Neither. Nobody does. We record them and we just flip a coin and be like, well, we haven't had a girl in a while. She white.

Let's do it. Maybe. What do you want to say? I wanted to say that Rachel this was the first time hanging out with you and this has been like amazing you're hilarious I had the best day here in this cozy room

and I also learned that you know the hotels that I'm going to are alright they could be better no Cindy you stayed at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas I talked about it I was not there friend I wasn't in Vegas that weekend

I've been at the Wynn and the Luxor and the Cosmopolitan on the 20th floor She a liar. Having sex on a balcony. She a liar. That's my truth, friend. That's our friend, Molly, actually. Shut up, Cindy.

Don't steal my truth. Guys, don't forget to rate, comment, and subscribe. Yes. We're here every week. We love you so much. Or we like you as a friend. Bye. Bye.

Forever. Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.