MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - “The Housewives Expert” with Pat Regan

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

Even though all the housewives are complete bitches, our Housewives Expert, Pat Regan, is here to celebrate that on this weeks Unofficial Expert. Pat talks about which housewives he thinks have gay husbands, who he thinks is even better than Bethenny Frankel, and, side-note, how he got throat gonorrhea (twice!). Also, Marie gets depressed watching A Star is Born while Sydnee is killing it at all of her shows.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Forever Dog And we're back. Hello. Howdy kids. Yes. Sydney you look great. You as well my shallow friend. Thank you.

Sha-la-la-lo I watched A Star is Born last week and no one told me the movie was so freaking sad. It's depressingly sad. I was like, why did you go see that movie?

I didn't see it. I mean, I didn't go see it. I watched it on my laptop. Oh, bitch. Illegal. But DVD quality, okay? Only the best for my pirated films. I was like, oh my God.

You don't want to support Lady Gaga? No, I don't. Bradley Cooper? Absolutely not. And then I saw Dave Chappelle in the movie and I was like, eh, he has money too. They don't need my,

I don't know, how much is a movie now? $18? Wait, why was Dave Chappelle in that sad movie? I don't know. Him and Bradley Cooper were friends. I was like, oh, okay. Dave Chappelle, they had his big ass in a tiny wife beater.

I was like, this ain't the look. But the movie was really depressing. I mean, don't you hear those ballads? It sounds sad. It sounds like. I thought it was just like a romantic musical situation. Romantic musicals are usually sad, bitch. Somebody get knocked up.

Somebody die. somebody's an alcoholic no what's another romantic musical friend isn't it Mamma Mia

I've never seen that and that movie feels happy to me it's happy that's not a that's not a romantic musical it's happy

but she's a hoe and she's pregnant she don't know who the father is that sounds like a great family film to me

I've never seen it but it was so happy that there's a second one Mamma Mia I mean it's like the whole anthem anyway uh sydney what were you an expert in this week my friend uh what was i an expert in this week i

went to la that was cool um i've been killing it at shows man killing it i've been killing it at shows like i got so many emails from like people that i was like what that i'm like yo i'm so glad that they were there when i killed it because the week before that i was like oh am i bombing again Did you do shows in L.A.? No, I didn't do any shows in L.A., but I did shows like a lot in December. And so I've gotten hit up for shows from December like, hey, we got cast in this. Somebody hit me up about a French festival, like just, I don't know. I'm so happy that I'm becoming a better stand up.

I'm an expert in comedy. Look at that. Yes, Dave Chappelle. Yeah, but our guest saw me on a show last week bombing, and then it was like... That's how you keep yourself humble. Yeah, it does, because I was like, yo, am I about to get a Netflix special?

And then you got on stage and just performed to silence for 12 minutes. Oh, my God. My God always provides. You know when dogs look to the side and like, hmm? Like, that's when the audience is like that. It's like, oh, I got to go right. I gotta go get off the stage And immediately get in a cab

And write You know when you bomb And you're already Getting the Uber from the stage That was like a show last week too I was like But other than that The month of December

I had really great shows And I'm seeing the benefits From doing well That's what you were gonna say And I'm seeing someone now I was about to say I wish The shows are getting you some vagina.

Some booze hay. Listen, I actually would never want any vagina from comedy. No, thank you. I'll take some dick from comedy. I don't want comedy dick, but I'll take some dick from comedy. I've never received any, but, you know, the door is open. It's ajar. You're just hanging out at a comedy show, so that means you don't have a job and you're poor.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a paid event. you come to the venue you maybe have on a sport coat you're like oh i'm a fan of comedy let's see what's happening tonight and i just happen to be up there killing it per use and then you come over and tell me that i was funny and buy me a drink and then maybe some dick later like i don't think that that like not at a bar show free in the back of a a basement so you want a fundraiser you want some fun i'm not saying fundraiser since you've never done a show at the bell house or i don't know uh let's let's say in your future is radio city music hall or something like a paid place

as some dude well for me a dude but like a fan of just you is there we watch that show you on netflix and you're still talking about people i don't know if you come to a show you're obviously a fan and you're stressed in your press and i don't i don't want that i want somebody who just knows that i'm wonderful and they don't need to know the background that's interesting because i feel like the person that you were dating uh used to come to all of your shows and um were they they was i mean they was pressed so yeah and she but she saw the bottom so she was like i gotta go well that to me is worse because she saw you at the bottom and she was like oh yeah i could make this work speaking of making this work bitch what were you an expert in this

week talking about work uh this week uh for some for whatever reason uber just keeps giving me like 40 or 50 off rides for the week it's bullshit literally for like the last two months um so i literally have just been living my best life in uber pools um like taking like three dollar ubers two dollar uber it's gorge fabulous that's fabulous i i've seen it she's not even lying because half the time i'm like there's no fucking way and then i'll see and i'm like oh meanwhile back at the ranch your friend here uber uber a la mode every day and they're not sending me shit you know i because i leave scathing reviews after my rides i've been like this was trash yeah the route by uber was garbage the driver didn't pull up the last two feet to

greet me like oh and they're like oh this is real feedback you just be like five stars i do i do i do do this just five stars because it's just like you know i've been in the hospitality industry and it's just like some people just be writing just to fucking write it's like but you ain't got nothing else to do but yelp me come on now so like unless you do something really out of pocket i'm not writing a comment i'm put five stars to keep it moving i don't have to write a comment you hit a button you leave four stars

three stars whatever amount of stars and then you hit they give you little prompts in LA I gave I gave five stars

and I wrote in the comments like oh this guy should get seven he had a disco ball no yo the craziest snacks I feel like he had like uh

pre-made sandwiches yo the music was bumping I was like I hope you did not take one of those sandwiches it had it had legit jizz on it

it was a jizz glazed turkey slices yo I'll take some I'll take some glazed turkey sandwiches. The music was popping. A disco ball. He had lights streaming. I was like, yo, LA, the party, the party oobs is right here.

No, party lift. Speaking of jizz-filled turkey sandwiches, our guest today is not that. But he is here to talk about all things Housewives and reality TV. He is our Real Housewives of X TV expert Give it up for the very funny The adorable Pat Regan

Pat Regan Oh my god it was so hard not talking Okay cause that's why I wanted to introduce you I mean it's only been 8 minutes I know I know whenever we talk on top of our podcast I'm always like guess don't you fucking talk During our time and then I was like I was getting a little taste

What did you hear that you wanted to comment on First of all, the comedy deck, comedy badge, whatever it is, I see both sides. I see both sides of the story because it is so tempting when you have, like, hot people come to your show and, like, be really into it. And it's so tempting when you feel like hot people are fans. Okay, hold on. Just, like, fun fact, Pat Regan is one of the hosts of Seek Treatment, and they have fanatics who are also attractive, and they'd be waiting for you at the door and they'd be in your DMs

they'd be in friends of friends DMs being like oh yeah oh my god can you tell him that I'm a fan that's different they listen to you they're fans of you they show up at your show and that's smoke and mirrors and it's like lots of times they are hot but it's like

for one you never get what you're looking for out of it like being an orgasm you never like they always just kind of want to know you or like they then know your friends and are fans of them.

It's like listen to the podcast. Somebody, Sydney's not lying, somebody slid in my DMs or came to a show that I was on and was like, oh my God,

you know Pat? I slid in his DMs and he never responded. I've tried to find this person. This is our love story. Bitch, yes, it's the same dude and he was like

showing me his Instagram like, look, like my Instagram looks great. Look at the photo. Obviously, that is. I know,

if you're that person who's approached Sydney and Marie who self-identifies as hot and I will be the judge of that. That is a lifetime movie killer right there absolutely follow up but I'm down

with Lifetime movie killer like Penn and Badgley and you like I have not watched but it's like if you're like dating me and like

on the DL killing people in your free time like that's hot for you that's hot to me yeah when you have time

when you have time to kill and have a job and hang with me work multi-talented someone's multi-talented okay Dexter

that's the great that's the new singing dancing acting is dating me having a job killing people that's the shit both around

of our generation and um I hate both of you but then it gets hard because like then it's like a weird dynamic and then it just gets weird

and then also a lot of times they're looking for something out of it that's like different like what like they want to be on a pod

like they want to be on they want to start doing comedy and they want tips or they want like to they know all your friends and they want to be friends with your friends

I've had a lot of people that like have hung out with me a lot and then like literally DM'd my friends and been like hey I'm really good friends with Pat Regan

like do you want to get coffee you know it's like it's been weird Oh, that's gross. It's happened upwards of a dozen times. Ain't nobody have ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have done that. Well, actually, people have been like, you know, Marie doesn't speak to me, but I've

met her like 20 times. The opposite. Yes. Thank you. I'm more of that ilk. I have trouble remembering people. And I'm a bitch. Thank you.

A bitch. I can be a bitch. I can be a bitch. A little bit of a bitch. Well, speaking of bitches, the Real Housewives is all bitches to me. every single last one and they are and I celebrate that

well who's a nice housewife Aileen Davison is a nice housewife which what franchise is that she's Beverly Hills Deshawn Snow the first

an OG of Atlanta was famously nice right oh yo you took it all the way back I know but the nice people don't last that long

they don't we don't want to see that yes Dawn was one season Aileen made it like I think four or five seasons and then she left on her own accord because she was like

this is not good for the brand she was better than that she was literally Lisa Kudrow in the comeback Like that was who she was I still remember because at first Like when you're first meeting a new housewife They do like an intro package to them

Where they kind of show them alone with their family And like she's like a stepmom to kids And like she's like I'm an amazing mom to boys And I cut to her like at the dinner table And they were all arguing And she kept bringing the timeout tea up But she's like guys timeout timeout And I was like okay that's what you

You use sports lingo at the dinner table So you think you're a great mom to boys Which I love kind of self-identifying white people love shouting time out to their children they put their kids in time they be like shut up mom my mother has never in her life said time out yeah but that's

such a step mom thing cause it's like well I can't beat you cause you're not my kid if I was a step mother I would beat my children there's drama right now on if Maria's a step mom she will beat her step dad and for the record we know that if ever I become a step mom

the kid's gonna be older than me do you like older guys uh i just don't like guys that are poor right i feel like i need they need to have time to like marinate that 401k i like when a guy's kind of poor because then i don't feel like i need to not be poor what no yeah what's the date's gonna be y'all just walking i hate somebody who's like you want a stroll no bitch it's nice let's take a walk it's meanwhile it's 12 degrees yeah but i don't like when it's like a really successful person and it's like and it's weird that like they're

more successful Pat you're successful hush your mouth I sleep in an air mattress for sure I am 30 years old on an air mattress that's my pilot

but whatever can we talk about are you really sleeping on an air mattress yeah for how long it's two months I've been in a place

where I keep you just moved right I just two months is too much time two months is a prox two months long too long wait wait wait

is it a double decker yeah okay works no i just keep subletting like i this is my third sublet in three months and no no in six months so i keep getting two months sublets and so why um because i'm poor but i um i just like i'm also never like confident enough financially that i'll be able to like have money in three months you know what i mean so i don't want to sign a lease and also like i don't even want to know this is where my credit score is

is recently DeVault this past spring is 412 I don't even know that's good or bad I won't engage in it I also have no idea

you were confident about it though what's a good credit score like a thousand over seven something is a thousand a credit score I think 500 might be good

no that feels low it's definitely not it's 900 but you're thinking of the SATs you're thinking of the SATs no that's 1600 I feel like seven

But seven is not the top. So that's why I'm saying how high does it go? Seven, I feel like, is good. Definitely fans, feel free to reach out to us and let us know what a good credit score is. Okay, here we go. Just showing us a diagram. Okay, exceptional is 800 to 850. Okay, try hard.

Very poor is 300 to 579. So this is an experience that I did have once. Is this past spring, spring of 2018, I did accept a position as a temp gay receptionist at a commercial royalty farm. Yes. and so I did go to Old Navy to kind of like buy new clothes for it and um

you opened up an Old Navy card so I got I got cards there I get to the cash register with my kind of shirts

and slacks and I'm like and the guy's like hey do you want like um if you sign up for like an Old Navy thing you get like 40% off today

I'm like okay you were like word so I'm like sure sure let's do that and he was treating it like it was just like

a kind of like um customer account and he was like entering all this stuff and he's like can you put your social in and I was like Oh, like this is like a credit card or whatever.

I've never had a credit card. So I put my social in. That's why your credit is trash. You ain't got no credit. And I have truly crippling student debt that I absolutely refuse to engage with. Absolutely. A thousand percent.

I won't. And that's my journey. And then he like swivels it around. He's typing and his face, it looked like he'd just seen a ghost. And he was like, I'm sorry, this has never happened.

You absolutely can't have this and you never can. And I was like, okay, cool. I didn't ask for it. You never can. And he was like, what I can do is give you a coupon

for 15% off at a banana and I was like okay cool I'll have the banana coupon wait Pat how dare this

Old Navy associate try to shade you like that that's my pretty woman moment do you work on commission he's gonna be like

no okay well big mistake if you have worked on commission Old Navy guy this would have been a big mistake

you're gonna make money and then go back to Old Navy I am I am and you know you're gonna pull up you're gonna pull up

on Old Navy and be like huge mistake but it's just gonna be like Kmart bags my credit is cute at Kmart Kmart dies for me I'm a preferred

shopper at Kmart it was the old navy in Huntington station you're stomping ground me and Maria are from very close that's crazy that is a seek treatment That is, yeah, C-Treatment, C-Treatment, the Old Navy performer, the Old Navy, sorry, I'm

in the arts, the Old Navy worker in Huntington's Station. So did you take the 15%? Banana? I think he was going to like email it to me and, well, that was for Banana, I was going to have to go to Banana Republic, which is, that's not my circle I swim in. Wait, wait, wait, what's your own? No, I like Banana for sure. And I think there's a certain eroticism to Banana Republic, but I, I, I don't.

Eroticism to Banana Republic. But I can't I feel like I can't Afford their pieces Even at 50 years old Banana Republic Is like Express And Ann Taylor

Like I feel like Yes There's nothing That I need At Banana Republic Yeah A silk chemise I know

But for me I think I could do a banana polo Like on a good day When I was feeling good About my body But Listen

They have a We need to work On your self esteem I know And your credit Oh my god Those are my two Kind of homework assignments

For next time I come on The pod but pat that's why it's so good because when people are obsessed with you they're literally just obsessed with you i know it has nothing to do with like yeah no one's ever wanted me for my money yeah but a fan did a fan of my pod did last late last night venmo me 50 dollars that's great bitch i know isn't that great one unofficial expert uh listeners step step your venmo's up did you hear that seek treatment they're getting coins through venmo we get like two dollars No, I mean, somebody sent me $15 once.

Okay. They be best. They listen. So when you date, do you bring people home to the air mattress? No. So it's always kind of like recently, so I've been kind of dating this person. He's cute. He is very cute.

He's a looker. He's a looker. Great jaw. Great jaw, yes. And that's all we'll say. and we like had like made out at a party and then we were going on our first like date and I was like that's what I hate is like when you're deciding where to go I need someone who's like this is where we're gonna go like this this this be here this time because like that's why women

are always like I don't know what I want to eat I'm not I don't know what I'm in the mood for I know because men will make that decision and we're like this sucks yeah but then they get upset when we like expect them to pay it's like well you picked out the place and you asked me to come So, like, yeah, it's on you. And then the anatomy of gay sexual undercourse kind of, like, dictates that what food you eat becomes kind of important. But so I was, like, we're trying to figure out where to eat. And, like, I ended up being the one to pick the place, which I hate. But I picked a place right by his apartment because I was, like, we can't pick a place by my apartment because then it can't make more logistical sense to go back to my place.

So you were like There's a lot of Great restaurants near me But there's a Checkers By you So They got really cute stuff So yeah

We went by his place But then I felt like I was inviting It's like I literally Picked a place like Next door to his apartment So I felt like I was Inviting myself

It was downstairs You were at the bodega You were like I think we can get Some dinner here You were like There's this place Called Deli Grocery

By you It was like Really Really great They have an amazing Caesar Okay Back to the Real Housewives.

I know. So what's your guys' relationship around the Real Housewives? I'm here for Atlanta because obviously. Atlanta is the best. Yeah. Nene gives you show. She gives you show. Nene's giving us brand new face.

Brand new face. I want to see a 10-year challenge on Nene Leakes because the nose that she started with and the face that she has. You're like, is that even the same person? But that's all of them. All of them except like Candy and even Portia. Like work is done on these Real Housewives. they keep flashing back

to Portia this season like from early seasons and it's like which is shady that's all what did she used to look like really scrawny she was not as thick

yeah she looked yeah not as thick is the thing and her nose was not the same it makes me think her ass is fake but um but Shamia

this season it's Atlanta they're all I feel like in Atlanta you can't throw a rock without seeing a fake ass without it yeah

instead of bouncing off and hitting you in the eye right same thing can be said of Vicky Gumbelson from OC like if you look at her like through the years

it's not only is like so different than it's not even like it's not even a straight line from then to now where it keeps it's like it looks

like it's all over the map like she looks like one way one season the next season like completely different face

you know she'd be getting like her face is like puffy when are they gonna get her off the show I though I hate

Vicky and I think she needs to be off the show I would stop watching OC if she left the show and I've never who else is on OC

so OC right now is Vicky Gumbelson Tamara Tamara Tamara Tamara Tamara is the only other original OC. She's season three.

Vicky is the only original. Ah, yes. She has nothing else. She doesn't. Remember when she was going through all that drama with that dude? Brooks. Yeah. Yes.

I know. My favorite line ever uttered on Housewives in any city is from the OC, and it's the shouted sentence, the psychic said Brooks doesn't have cancer, which is just like a very funny sentence. And what's crazy about it is the psychic was right. Yeah. And psychics can be right. or brooks just never had cancer no yeah he never had cancer but the psych they the psychic knew

that and he was a hot psychic which is part of the story and a huge part of the story um but so you guys so what do you guys watch you watch atlanta you're down for ad i love i love atlanta at heart but the one that gives me the most anxiety is new york yeah new york because ramona pills pills pills yeah off a rock like to make your own white wine as a white woman just it's like what you can't think of anything else to make oh white wine yeah yeah they're all trying kind of trying to like capitalize on their they're trying to get they're trying to get their bethany frankel on she made like 300 million dollars yeah but last season it was like you're so miserable boo boo you are doing so great but it's like bethany yeah but it's just like

you're always trying to prove like how amazing you are and how like you're trying to save the world But also like nobody wants to be your friend It's obvious that you're not good To the own people that you know Yeah Bethany is someone who like I'm so sorry I've actually never burped in my entire life You burped and you kind of just rolled right through that burp

And that was actually my first burp of my entire life I've never burped Well that's what I would have said three minutes ago And just so you know It could happen at any moment And I fucking enjoy every second You probably burped at that old navy And that's why you're such a glad tonight

um people like you have no business in an establishment like that but um we're talking about beth if you watch the first three seasons of new york as yes i did in my first three months of sobriety go back and re-watch the first actually four seasons of new york for sure but um it is insane and i started watching housewives during that time like i my first season of housewives that i did watch was oc season three new york season one in 2000 and and oh you better give us receipts yeah i remember because i remember being like closeted like watching housewives and i knew i was doing something wrong i was like i shouldn't be doing this as a straight man in america hey guys if you're watching real housewives that's a red flag

yeah you might be gay yeah gals if your boyfriend is watching real housewives definitely look into it look into it but um no sure people can enjoy the housewives for sure but i um But I remember watching season one of New York, season three of OC, which is Tamra's first season. And it was also the only season of a woman named Quinn Frye, who is so psycho and I loved. But but like I remember falling so deeply, deeply in love with Bethany. And then like season two, she got even better in season three. She was as good. She was still really good, but that was when she started getting success.

And so how so how do they change? right like because they're not across the board all making that much money from doing the show no it's fame it's fame gets to them and also like like look at dorinda look at the dorinda we met like what four or five years ago now and then dorinda now it's like this dorinda is very guilty of something that i is my least favorite thing in housewife which is when they try to like be in on the joke it's like no you're not like we are not laughing with you and that's really important to the dynamic of this is like you are not in on that and like she like has these stupid catchphrases that she like utters like abhorrently drunk and then she'll like come out with a t-shirt of it

and it's like no you're not making money from this like that's not yeah wait what is it what was that one that's like clap or it's like what do you do it was a clip clip clip yeah and then there was like um no not everybody deserves things like that yeah i not everybody deserves merch i merch is not a democracy i've never watched the new york housewives and that's great I've watched I used to watch Jersey Housewives I

Really I would have never told you That I would In 2019 Be back into New Jersey Housewives Oh you're back in I'm back in

I watched With like Danielle And Teresa Before she went to jail Yeah Danielle Danielle got married And apparently Is already divorced

And had a thing With her stepkids Where she like Announced at the Pre-wedding dinner That she hated her stepkids Yes I love Danielle I love a messy

Skinny Botoxed White woman She's so messy And then when Then when Teresa Was like prostitution whore and like

slipped the table over when I'm at dinner I like to scream prostitution whore you have to you have to I never got in New Jersey I was like

this is tacky this is just gonna be they're all tacky no but this is gonna be like the creme de la creme of tack like you know how you have

like you have like gum underneath your shoe like that is New Jersey housewives yeah that's true it's gross it's just like the tanning is awful

but it is it's like too gaudy it's like no no no how do y'all live here It's not too gaudy Too gaudy is Beverly Hills You know

I don't watch Beverly Hills either Beverly Hills The difference between Beverly Hills and New Jersey Is like new money And old money Like New Jersey It's like they all got rich

From like construction companies When they were 30 And like Beverly Hills Bodies Bodies in the concrete Foundation of these buildings Beverly Hills They were like

They were like 26 And like in on the Nicole Brown Simpson murder You know what I mean No They've been rich for decades And they know how to do it The season that I started watching

Kelsey Grammer's wife was Camille who he cheated on with a flight attendant and is now married to but so she had that Frazier money and then Lisa Vanderpump who had that dog that lives better than

everybody in here. Everybody that made me so frustrated because it's just like who's gonna kill that dog somebody need to put out a hit on a dog. That dog probably has like a life insurance policy and everything Do you watch Vanderpump Rules? No I do not. We don't I don't like spin offs from already

like beneath me shows no offense I wasn't in on Beverly Hills at first I mean Vanderpump Rules at first but then like one time I had throat gonorrhea and just watched it all and I um throat gonorrhea don't be trying to blaze by it

I famously I famously famously famously in my mid 20s please step away from the microphone back up a little bit back up a little bit I famously in my mid 20s did get throat gonorrhea three times from the same person and that is how

I make decisions but I um so you got through a gonorrhea from this person and I just like they did not drink the juice

or whatever the gonorrhea I don't know it was like far and apart where I think they were just really slutty and which is totally fine and I want to be totally totally sex positive

but like they did keep giving me through a gonorrhea like um you kept going back yeah that's the sad thing that's how good the gonorrhea was

it wasn't even I don't know why I was like obsessed with this person in my mid-twenties you're making real housewives moves right there I know

that's some shit that they do I know always come back and all the women would be like he is giving you the gonorrhea and she baked no he's not um no he's not you're like coughing into a handkerchief it's like blood no i'm fine i'm fine wait what do we think of porsche's new guy do we trust him no yeah any man that dates any of the housewives that are already on the show i know yeah porsche at the beginning of the season my least favorite trope in real housewives is as new season starts i have

a new boyfriend and i need to convince you that i'm in love with them and that was like very Portia this season but now I now she's back on my good side well they do that because

Portia has always been the underdog yeah when like people are always playing her out and it's just like

she came into the show with a dude who was not treating her right and was low-key gay so she's like I need to redeem

the best the football player or the best yes yes it all came out they're all low-key gay every single

husband Shamaya's husband is absolutely wait And that's cool and I celebrate that And that's cool and I celebrate that But he's definitely gay Really?

Yeah, you can tell when someone's gay For one, they watch Real Housewives And for two, they have throat gonorrhea Definitely gay I think that thing with that guy's dick Honestly, and I'm not someone who cares We're going back to the gonorrhea dick I mean, I bought it back

So tell us what the thing about the dick is This is the thing about his dick was like um how big was it it was humongous and i really don't care about that truly at all you have a small mouth you have a small mouth that's why he got throat gonorrhea it was in his throat but i think it was just having this dick so far down my esophagus that it was like just too dirty of a thing to have that much inside your throat and like um that's my kind of like not a doctor technically but that is my opinion that's your web md yeah that's like what i've decided it was too big yeah it was um it had to be like a little kid who's like stuffing their mouth with like

mad macaroni and cheese that's what i felt like yeah and he was like very into like no no he was another gay in the room was like no that's not how big dick is it's not big this way right it's not fat right it's long it was fat and long though but um it very much like um he was into like face fucking so and you were also into that i was but like i couldn't imagine your face is like What do you mean you can't imagine? I can imagine. I am a sexual entity, Sidney. No.

Sidney, what are you making me look like? I am a sexual entity, and you need to look at me as such. You're like a little, like, dainty. I know. I can be dainty. Those would be the freakiest ones. No, I don't think I'm freaky. I recently said to Catherine Cohen, I wouldn't hook up with you because you, quote, unquote,

probably do too much in bed. Oh, what? Catherine Cohen? Yeah. Oh, you know she was. I know, and I'm someone who's like, let's pick three things and just do that. to go to sleep. You know what I mean?

Like, up top, like, let's do it kind of like... Is there a sex wheel? Yeah. Do you guys roll dice? It's like at Chop, like, you can choose

three toppings. That's when you are in bed, Pat? I just want to get to sleep. No, thank you. Yes, Pat. Like, recently, I was hooking up

and I was, like, at the guy's place and it's hard to sleep at someone else's place so I bring this. Wait, why? You have an air mattress. You should be happy.

I know. You should sleep in the flat sound. You should be happy to be off the ground. I know. there is that but then it's just like you just don't end up sleeping very well and so so what i've started doing is i bring one nyquil so that like kind of post-coitally i take a nyquil so i

can go to bed do you sneak and take it or do they see you take it no i they so i always want to make sure they're kind of done for the night so like basically so they come so everyone's such a gentleman i want to make sure they're done for the night yeah everyone's come and um we kind of like chatted for a while we like ate a little bit and then like um then we went back to bed and i was like oh and i was like great like this is time and i kind of was like i wasn't really clear what was gonna happen next but i was like for me if i'm choosing like we'll go to sleep and um so i was like so i think i'm gonna as well i was like i and i try to only take nyquil when i have a cold so i do have a little cold so i was like you always have a cold i know you're always it'll

be the middle of july because i'm like an addict so i don't want to be like i'm abusing nyquil but But no if I have a cold I abuse it So you're always having people cough on you You're like I'm always contracting So I was like I think I'm gonna take my one Night growl and he was like Wait will that make you go to sleep

And I was like yeah And he was like maybe you don't take it yet And then like fully fucked again For like a while And then I was like hey now I'm taking my fucking night growl How long does it take to kick in It depends how tired you are. 30 minutes.

I had so much trouble sleeping last night. I woke up. Here's the saddest story you've ever heard. I mean, the stories you've been telling. Old Navy. Sing on brand, guys. Old Navy and the air mattress. And progonorrhea.

Add another sad story on top. I woke up at like 1 a.m. last night. Couldn't get back to sleep for like an hour. Went to the Bala Market across the street from my apartment and bought Halo Top and and then ate it and watched a bit of Atlanta Housewives because I'm a little behind. I'm behind, too. Now I'm only one episode behind.

I'm just like, Portia getting pregnant is the most annoying thing that could possibly happen. And then before, she was picking out the rings. I was like, girl, this is clearly a show. Nobody is doing this. I hate when it feels like a show. I hate when it feels like a show, and I hate when they self-produce.

Yes. Make their own storylines. Yeah. Hold on. But a lot of them, when you really, truly think about it, they don't have anything going on. Yeah. Because people who are truly booked busy and blessed,

they don't have time for a reality TV show. Kandi don't have time. Kandi's busy. Kandi's not as busy as you think she is. She got time to make them housewife checks. It is apparently a huge and enormous time commitment. Right. But I think that...

Like that Eva Marcel, you're like, okay, well, what has she done since, you know? I know. She's in denial and delusional. And I was like, honey, you're not modeling. Where are you modeling? I know. Oh, she's 100% not modeling anywhere.

And she's always coming for, what's her name? Cynthia. Cynthia. I know. And it's like, what did Cynthia do to you? Where is Cynthia modeling? I know. It's funny that they like, recently Eva was like,

Cynthia's been modeling since Eva was in diapers. And then they showed a flashback clip of like 2010 of her walk. I was like, hey, you were still like 47 in this video. I love it. The way they edit is so trash. I know. They're shady. I don't like how it's different production companies

Jersey is edited really poorly I've noticed Cutting corners as their cousins doing it Joe's editing it from jail And Joe's like no leave that in Leave that in But what I like about Jersey though Is it feels very real

I think that has the lowest rate of self production Beverly Hills has the highest rate Lisa Renna's always in a writer's room Trying to figure out what her deal is Lisa Rinna and that flipped out wig. I just, I'm like, sis, we can't get no hair to the shoulders. Yeah. And this is a really controversial and well-documented thing about me, too, is that I hate Erika Jayne.

I don't like her at all. Why? Which one is that? She's the one from, she's like a, I mean, she would call herself a performer. She, she. Why do you hate her? She's like, just not what I'm getting from Housewives. it's like when erica jane is like when you um okay this is the deal with erica jane it's like

she's this really she's young for a housewife yeah she's like no she's probably mid 40s now um and uh she is married to this like 80 year old really rich lawyer and then she does this kind of like music persona that feels a little like it feels like a woman doing drag remember when uh kim zolciak was trying to sing yeah and i was don't be tardy for the party and then she got a spinoff and I thought that was the absolutely rudest thing that Bravo could have done but I like Kim

I liked that song, Candy did a great job Kim is another one to me who just feels like she's showing up and being herself and like trying to engage with the world around her recently in her recent appearances she seemed a little self-produced but like what I look for in Housewife is truly authenticity Kim's face is new

Kim has a Kim's face is new, her daughter got the same face nail. Her kids are doing it. I had to unfollow Brielle on Instagram because it was too sad. The fact that you followed her in the first place, I'm worried about you. I know. All she does is try to sell you sunglasses. But I'm along for the ride.

Like Facebook. All she does is try to sell sunglasses. Does she sell the Ray J fold down? She sells, it's like that brand that always does SponCon with Reality Stars. I forget what it's called. Ray-Ban? No, it's like a brand that exclusively sells through Reality Stars and Instagrams, I feel like.

That's crazy. Wait, did you It's always her with an enormous ass on a beach in sunglasses being like, I love my sunglasses. And then all the comments are like, this is so sad. I'm worried about you. Don't do anything to your face. And Kim's like, my baby. I know.

Did you like Potomac? No, but I watched it through the first two seasons. We watched it in Miami. We watched it in Miami because we had nothing to do. Humble brag, watching Potomac in Miami. Right on South Beach. I liked it because they are truly delusional They're truly delusional

Like the people who've been on it for years You know that they know what they're doing Just they're trying to do They're doing what they've been doing But the people who are on a newer franchise Are just doing what they think they should be doing I thought Dallas was very good But Dallas has the lowest ratings of them all

But I think that Dallas is good I think that Potomac it feels like Like that woman Giselle It just feels like she auditioned for Atlanta And got rejected That's what Potomac feels like Yeah It is

Remember the moment The brief moment We had Real Housewives of Miami Yeah Or DC Oh DC I think they tried to make it work DC and Miami

Right together And they both failed Failed I tried Miami the first season And then I That came back DC got cancelled But

Cause nobody wanna watch No congresswoman Suits I know Fight and throw Cause you know The looks are not gonna be right No

But we could talk about The New Zealand one New Zealand That's where I draw the line i don't do international there's a new zealand real house and it got canceled because the one of the one of the white women on there said nigga and i said wow that's how i was it was real it was very real she said a kiwi said it yeah a kiwi of all people all right we're gonna have to move the boat yeah i yeah i think we've had enough why did she say it she was trying to i think she was just

trying to give an example of something and she called the only black woman on the show like a nigga and it was everyone dropped. Everyone's whole mouth just was like, wait, this has gotten too real. And they were on a boat at that.

So the black woman was like, how dare you call me? Let's take a step back. There's a black woman in New Zealand? Yes, she was the only one. Yeah, and she got called a nigga. And she should leave. And the thing was is that I felt like she had been in New Zealand so long

that she didn't even remember that she was black. So when she heard it, she would gasp and clutch her pearls. She was reminded of who she really was. She looked in the mirror like, well, am I black? It was nuts. That's psyche. But all those women were like the richest of the rich. It was disgusting.

Yeah. Their homes, everything, like helicopters. Yeah, the only international one I do is it's now probably canceled, but it's not technically Housewives but it should be Housewives. It's called Ladies of London and it's on Bravo. No. It's funny because I just talked about this recently on a podcast but I'm kind of at all

times talking about Ladies of London on a podcast but it's like a couple of American women move to London and become part of society and these London women and it's like Real Housewives of London the first season was so good and there's this woman named Carolyn Stambury who is the best

woman I've ever met. Why? She's like Bethany but better like she's like um bethany bethany had more self-awareness and she's like a little funnier and she um she her she has a gay named i like when they have gay slaves and i typically don't like their gay slaves but um she has one called luke where it's like in the um in the lower third it says either like hairstylist or like sometimes it says like assistant and then sometimes it's like friend and it's like okay what is your No, he don't work.

It's like, okay, you keep him in a drifter. Is he on the payroll? Yeah. Is he Sonia Morgan type stunts? She would have like 12 interns or all like 18. Sonia Morgan is like, if I was to be a white woman, that's the white woman I want to be. Just like in a home that's like, oh, fo'culture? Like, it's not happening, but it is.

I know. And like, oh, all these people work for me, but I don't really have a job. Why do I need all these interns? But I love Sonja Morgan. Sonja Morgan. I think she's really earnest. I will let you know, when I was waitressing, served her a bit of time. Oh, really?

Before she was on The Housewives. And she was already trash. Well, she would hang out with the wealthiest men. Just goofy, doofy looking dudes that you're like, there's no way. A bunch of Jeff Bezos's. And then he's ordering the most expensive wine in the house. And she would come in lit, lit, lit, lit, lit. and she would be

in the tackiest like cachet like leather capri a little baby horrible like hairstyle and you'd be like who the fuck is this woman

and everybody would be like that's Sonia you don't know who Sonia is I was like Sonia's a fucking mess I'm googling her

it feels like Sonia in her early 40s dressed like someone who like was always horseback riding she was trying to look like she was always just in from the stables

which is cool for sure Sonia Jamal but on the show she always acts like well I have a drinking problem all those bitches have drinking problems well this is how they do the shows right they

while they're getting their hair and makeup done they load them up with alcohol while they're in the car on the way to whatever they're doing they load them up with alcohol and then they just wait for them to because they don't have anything else going on they're creating drama with people that they don't like because they slighted them at a gala last year

you know yeah yeah Luann definitely has a drinking problem Sonia has a drinking problem, Ramona has a drinking problem Luann is the one that spit on the cop or something like she got arrested I think she punched a cop she punched a cop

I do like when they had like a little gay sidekick remember in Atlanta, Dwight he had the little mink pants, he was niggas gay remember he used to be like an event planner or something he had like a crazy like Michael Jackson

he was tall Yes. And his hairline was way back. Right, but he had like Chico DeBarge hair. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. Like Suavemente curls. Yeah, yeah.

And he'd just be like, well, actually, Nene. I think he was like the coordinator for Shiba Shire's fashion show. Oh, do we miss Shire? I do miss Shire. We miss Shire. Chateau Shire. I identify with an Atlanta as a Portia Shire. A Portia Shire.

A Portia with a Shire moon rising. Who are you guys? Who are you guys? in any franchise who are you guys i don't know i don't watch the shows enough to be like i'm this with this yeah in new york i'm a rare mix of sonia and carol carol and you won't find another of those in new york city let's talk about carol's exit she's like it was time for her to go anyway but she left and she's like boom i got deals on deals on deals bitches and they were just like we're not supporting that yeah i what deals book deals well she's she she already wrote books but

But then isn't she doing like a movie? She's written like two books. I really like Carol, but she definitely hasn't written in a long time. God damn that. She was a news correspondent for, I think, ABC News. And she met this guy at work who was a cousin of the Onassis's, Jack Onassis. And she's kind of like in with the Kennedys.

And she's like BFF with Carolyn. And then they all died famously. Right, I don't want to be best friends with the Kennedys. they're cursed I know I once saw her on you ever watch you ever watch

Hollywood Medium with Tyler Henry no I'm addicted to him you're talking about the young boy that like I have a bizarre

psychosexual relationship with him he blocked me on Instagram he blocked you on Instagram wait what did you do he was on a horse drawn carriage and I said

save the horses and he said don't tell me what to do and then blocked me wow so the medium can't take the heat but he's

but hold on he's got so many comments how did he just see yours were you the first like what's going i really don't know he blocked me on multiple accounts actually oh he oh so he went he went to your twitter and he went to your that's cool it's a credit you should use that it is a credit you should absolutely that should be like your byline there's something so erotic to me about when he's doing one of his readings and i don't know what it is but um actually whatever how did he get a job like i could be a fake psychic too i know you would be the funniest because you're like uh girl hold on um so do you have a

friend name were you related to somebody named michael this is me talking to jenna jackson i feel like he's saying he started his um so he did he came to new york and did carol and he opened with like his whole thing too is he's like i'm so fucking insufferably young that i don't even know who these celebrities are. Right, right. That's the thing about him that I... But he doesn't look young. Yeah, he doesn't look that young. He's a cool 32 but he looks... How old do we think he is?

When he started he was like 19. Yes, yes. They would have you believe. He was 32. But he always starts... He looks 35. By being like, I have no idea who you are and the celebrity kind of has to like bite their tongue and be like, that's so refreshing. And then he was like reading Carol and like he started

by being like, okay, like I'm seeing someone who died in a tragedy. And she was like, yeah i'm like related to the kennedys and he was like okay cool cool cool it just like was i mean also it's a reach like i've never been to see a psychic but saying i'm seeing someone who died in a tragedy like i could be like oh yeah i just watched this crazy ass movie uh but she's just people give these psych these psychics uh power right they're like oh yeah yeah yeah i'm cool with the kennedys and it's like no you're not yeah but you're cool with

your nasses but she but then you because like her famously her husband died and like she's like her one of her her big book was like what remains which was like a non-fiction about um her dead husband and um she so you like assumed that like her husband would come through to him but he kind of did a little red herring because her husband didn't come and he's like yeah i'm not your husband's not here but he would but but carol but carolyn kennedy kennedy came through and it was very emotional not here i'm gonna do a psychic bit um okay i'm picking up a lot of red um yeah you are you on your period right now oh my god just me talking to some dude yeah oh no no no your girlfriend is on her period yeah somebody is menstruating

is anyone here menstruating is it can you come up can you come up come up What about Long Island Medium? How do you feel about her? See, her, I don't know, but she was at my JFL audition. I know we were there. We were at the same night. We were at the JFL audition.

She was at the comedy club. She was nuts. She was at the Creek in the Cave just like at our JFL audition. The Creek in the Cave. People were going nuts. It was psycho. Was she done?

Did she have her hair like all Long Island done? Yeah. It was weird because I was like, you're distracting everyone. This is not about you, bitch. How dare you? She was there with a camera crew

or she was just there by herself? She was there by herself. No, she was there with like two other people, but she was there to see somebody named perry and i was like okay you got the tea somebody's like oh that's my friend they're gonna be like telling everyone about it right oh yeah that's my girl so was perry like on her lineup no perry is just like a friend of hers oh i see i see yeah but he was saying oh yeah that's my friend and it's like ill is she your friend i

know are you a fan like did you know her before she became famous yeah island medium what other reality TV. So I do everything. So my relationship with reality, for some reason, since I was young, reality television has provided me with so much comfort. Well, what's the earliest memory of reality TV that you guys have? I remember being in 6th grade the year 2000. It's the millennium.

It's Y2K. Anything could happen. And I'm on Block Island with my fam, and we're all, I hadn't watched the whole thing. Black Island? Block Island. Oh, great. I was like, is that the new New Zealand? Black Island. This fall on Fox. Oh, man.

Black Island. And we all watched the season finale of the first season of Survivor. And I was so hooked. I have never seen Survivor. Yeah, me neither. I was never interested. My shit was real world. Real world was like, that was reality for me.

And I was like, damn, I really want to be on the show, but I'm too scared. And then every time I would watch the show, I'm like, yo, people are doing so much dumb shit. Do I really want that on my shoulders? What are your real world seasons? Real world, New York. back to New York or original both oh wow you're an OG wow

don't say that don't say you're alive for original New York what year was original New York Sydney 84 oh my god she said both no well they have reruns so that's why I would watch that

fuck both of you suck a gonorrhea dick I will I will bet Las Vegas original yeah yeah

Michelle it's sad and then it just started getting weird when they went to like New Orleans and oh I love

I love the first New Orleans with Julie the Mormon yo do you know she was doing comedy she was in open mics like three years ago

really and she was she was talking about like her life and I was just like bitch you are in a real world I know

I hate how much I know about these people but this is a random fact and I don't remember the story but she was somehow connected to like 9-11

or something no way like she was in the building she wasn't gonna be on the plane or something she got Lyme

disease and so she missed her flight because of the tics oh no no no I was just saying on the show

she got Lyme but didn't she get punched in the face I do love when a woman on reality TV gets punched

in the face really remember Snooki getting punched in the face that was like the cultural moment of our

time but also that's what propelled the show because people weren't really effing with Jersey Shore until Snooki got punched in the face and then it was their like most watched show

on MTV. We would be living in a very different world if Snooki never got punched in the face but I have this really vivid memory of like being like 11 watching this scene between Julie from New Orleans and Melissa from New Orleans who had been best friends and then they got in this really

big fight and they like worked out their issues and then they were both like at the vanity putting makeup on and Julie who I think self identifies as being like deep was like oh my god like this is just so symbolic how we just like bore our souls to each other and now here we are like covering our faces back up with makeup and i was like okay this is so good i was like this is literature this is a moment i only ever watched road rules real world challenge that i currently still watch i used to watch the gauntlet like that to me all that all that

I would love that. That was so good. With CT. Coral. And then who's the one who died? She had cancer. I think DM. A few of people died.

DM and Knight have passed. Have passed. And they came to me when Tyler Henry did the reading. Shut the fuck up. I was like, okay, do you watch The Challenge? I was like, yes. I was like, DM's here. She says, tune in next week.

Yes, DM died of cancer and Knight died, I think, of an overdose. Because he was on the second season of New Orleans. And he had like an addiction thing Yeah he was a mess Yeah he was a mess on the show A mess Yeah and then his kind of long term romance Jimmy said she would never do the challenge again

Because it wouldn't be the same And now she does the challenge again She needs money They got no skills Their resumes just say road rules or real world on them Do you know Kenny and Evan Did you watch that long I don't know

They came in for the first fresh meat season Also two people from my college From my grade at college One of them was on Fresh Meat Which is when they just brought in a bunch of randos And his name was Pete and he was teamed up with Jen with two N's from Denver Oh my god

I don't know what you're talking about I do not know what you're talking about And then also Cook from the second New Orleans season No I don't know what words I've literally never watched this show She was a soccer girl in my college And I said to myself, after I graduate from college, I am going to audition for Real World.

You auditioned, right? And I sent them some photos. And then I had like a Skype interview with them. Oh, my God. You're far. And then they asked me to come in. And I think I wasn't black enough for them. They were like, how would you feel about gays?

I was like, oh, they're cool. I like the gays. Thank you. And they were like, how would you feel if somebody made out with a dude that you liked? And I was like, I shake a half. like I don't care and they were like you wouldn't fight

anybody you don't hate anybody remember Bad Girls Bad Girls Club Bad Girls Club made me be

embarrassed for women I was like wow this is the most well the first couple seasons were kind of fun and then

whatever it turned into at the end it was like it was just hood rats with like ombre brows just fighting and drinking

it's fucking WWF was reality it's like a mess and it's just like every girl you see on there it's like

you know she doesn't know her father you know you see the shoes you just can tell by the shoes she's not like Steve Madden

the most tackiest Nine West stunt that they have do you know what I love what it's so shameful but I'm obsessed with the wedges

I think wedges look so good I have to say that but like an espadrille or just like any type of wedge like a cork wedge an oop

now that's unacceptable Just a summertime wedge? Yeah. Like at night. Hold on. It's very Hamptons. It's very Hamptons and it's very Jitney Express. He said at night.

I would wear a cork wedge at night. Is that okay to say? Wait, if it's a pool party. A pool party is okay. A pool party, yeah. A roof party, rooftop party. Oh my God. He said at night.

I am dying. I think there's a new really popular designer wedge out right now. I was like Googling wedges last night. It's like the fire. Andrew, can you Google the fire wedge, the flame wedge? It looks so cool. The flame wedge? Yeah, it's by like a designer.

Oh, the one that's like a patent leather sandal. It has like flames on it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeremy Squat. I don't know if that's new. It's not a Jeremy Squat. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Are you saying Jeremy Squat or Jeremy Scott?

This is really important. Look at this wedge. Jeremy Scott. Oh, these are Prada. Wait. Prada wedges? These? You're talking about these guys?

Yeah. Those are Pradas. You like those. I like those. They look like Hot Wheels. I know. I think that's cool. I have the tackiest taste.

Those two, and this old friend of mine, she has them on Instagram, and I was like, you hooked for those. She's a hooker? Yeah. What's the price point on those? $60. Oh, I don't like them anymore. Oh, wait, those are not real. $60?

Those are not the real ones. Oh, those are fake. Those are the fake ones. Those ain't the Pradas. Sydney, your friend was a hooker for $60 wedges. She sucked six dicks for $60. Six gonorrhea dicks. Wait.

Six gonorrhea dicks. She's dead now Bury her in those shoes And then you have to have like both It's an open casket But like on both ends There should be an open casket But it should also be open for the shoes

Oh yeah Pop the whole thing Caskets have like half It's like a barn door It's like you can't dress them nice It's mainly about like You should just see the face It's not about the body

it's about like remembering the person it's like well I want to make sure there's the rest of the person is there I know right this isn't just a bust

when I right a bust exactly are there even legs in here when I go to Robocast everyone might prove it's not just a bust

listen when I when I die I want them to like pose me like real sassy in the coffin before rigor mortis

sits in I'm gonna I'm gonna die and I'm gonna pose myself yeah give a look okay and then I'm gonna like I'm gonna have a leg up

Marry me with my leg up I want annoying In socks When I die don't spend any money Just truly throw my body in a trash can Like a waste paper basket Like I'm fine with it Are you fucking serious?

I smell bad I think I want to be cremated And then scatter the ashes at like a Subway sandwich For me scatter my ashes in the Forever Dog podcast studio Where I do live and work Well I feel like First of all let's talk about how expensive cremation is I'm like donating my body to science

so that I can get my cremation for free. And then... But they're going to play with all your... They're going to diddle your organs, right? Totally fine. I'm okay with that. They're going to like... They're going to judge your boobs

and judge your stomach and judge your elbows. She's got great boobs. Hold on. You can donate to science. It depends on how I die. You have good enough boobs to donate to science, for sure.

You've never seen my boobs. How do you know? I've seen you in a tight turtleneck. Oh, thank you. That's your uniform. How do you know I have good boobs? Because you got good boobs. Thank you, Pat.

No problem. The highest compliment. Honestly, take the compliment, friend. Yeah, it depends on how I die. Like, if, like, I die peacefully, then, like, yeah, sure, show me off. What's a peaceful death? You going to be old? I know.

Like, just, you know, I fall asleep. Peaceful to me means, like, old. No, peaceful is like, oh, you had food poisoning, and then you, like, passed in your sleep, like something like that. You're going to be covered in poop, sis. Well, make sure you just, like, clean the poop away, But if my face and my abs are still intact, crop top and make sure my face is bees. Crop top is great.

Yeah. Why not? Corpse in a crop top? I've never worn a crop top in my life. But you like wedges. So, like, why are we even talking to you? I know. Seriously, bury me in wedges.

Bury me in a cork wedge at the stroke of midnight. I feel like you like wedges with a peep toe. Oh, yeah, I do. I know you do. You're like a patent leather fucking wedge. it's my long island it's my like long island going to my communion seeing those looks like that's where that comes from i'm sure wait what kind of guy do you like what do you like his like fashion sense i don't have a hard type i'll say that like often the guys that are into me are

like kind of art freaks i always say to katherine like always the art freaks never the homecoming kings but um okay okay i know exactly what they look like um yeah yeah recently someone like reached out to me on instagram who was the first instagram picture was like just his face with like all these fish hooks in it pulling out his face and like the picture was art how many likes did it have um i forget not a lot okay then that's not the man for you yeah and um that's scary i don't know if i don't have a strict type but i i do like a body i like a little body on someone um i like someone oh and then like i like kind of the energy of like a psycho like i'm very drawn to someone who seems like kind of just very scared of the world but also like a little angry but also like

a little crazy so a comedian you're really trying to get murdered yeah a male comedian yeah you take a nyquil next to somebody like that you pass out cold thanks to that i need to be able to like get up and get out i know i know i don't know why i'm so drawn to that but i am like a moth to the flame everybody has a type yeah i mean i don't really have a type but it's definitely not that it's definitely not psycho crazy freak fish hook face well i don't like the fish hook face but that's But then to me, I like you to kind of present as like all American. But then like underneath, there's this layer of like psychosis. OK, so American Psycho.

Yeah. American Psycho. Penn Badgley in you is my type. Oh, my God. And on that show, he's insane. The people who be DMing me, it's like, are you a bot? Are you a bot? Are you a bot?

You where are you in Zimbabwe? What is up? It's like you, you beautiful heart eyes, a heart emoji. uh call me call me and then it'll be like a plus sign and plus like seven seven dash an international number somebody messaged me today and was like hell you are beautiful i would like to get to know you and eventually be your man here's my number oh by the way are you single and i was like delete decline reported as spam yeah uh just no yeah are you single uh yeah i am i'm very single but like i don't want you to be in my dms on instagram with your 43

followers i know i love you you're great here's my number i don't know you are you single yeah or it's like when someone retweets you and they have 17 followers it's like don't worry about it they're trying to be nice i know i know buddy i know they're fans of your stuff fans of myself and everyone's a person for sure if you guys could be on any reality show like and it wasn't gonna affect your career what show would you have done or would you do that's a great question i do want to go on reality television i would go on big brother on cbs have you ever auditioned like tried out for it no i don't know why now it's like well i guess i'm trying to be in entertainment so maybe i shouldn't but like i think the stigma is going away of both being gay

and of being on reality television and i would like i would i i think i would sacrifice my career for reality tv i would enjoy going on it i uh so i tried i tried to do real world and again also tried to do you remember ultra single had a reality show for like a season no i tested for that too what was that it was like like maybe i do remember it was like a hood bachelor cool yeah But he Domestic abuse You know Like you dodged that bullet

Yeah You dodged that uppercut But I would also go on I would want to go on Straight Bachelor But I can't Because I'm gay Is there not a gay Bachelor?

There's a gay Bachelor But it was really bad I wouldn't go on gay Bachelor And you only want to be On the good stuff Yeah I would want to go on Straight Bachelor

And do Straight Bachelor In Paradise Even just to hang out Bachelor in Paradise Is that the one Where the chick got drugged Or like touched? Yes

That is the one Where the chick got touched That is Yes bachelor paradise is very good unfortunately um it is um but yeah that did happen on that but the the plot of bachelor paradise is like it's a resort in mexico where like everyone goes and like it's like past contestants there's like maybe like eight guys and seven girls or vice versa and then like everyone kind of susses out who wants to fuck each other and

then um and then they go into a hot tub and then they go into a hot tub and things play out and then they explore their connections and then at the end of the week there's a rose ceremony so like someone's left without a rose because there's an uneven number and they have to leave paradise because no one wanted to fuck them and then um then like throughout the next week they bring in the opposite gender like it'll just be that kind of like everyone like laying

in dead beds and day beds like hooking up and then like all of a sudden like a shot of like chlamydia and gonorrhea all over the place yeah no thank you and like a shot of like shoes walking on the stairs and everyone's like who is it who is it and it's like someone from like two seasons ago and they're like there to shake up paradise and it's so good

I could write a reality show me too where would you go on lastly I would want to be on Flavor of Love yeah remember how good

that show was it was so in fucking I was enthralled with that motherfucking show it was so good because I was like

how does this dude that looks like a bag of pennies I know why were they addicted bagging these chicks and then a bag of pennies

would look better than Flavor of Love because some of them would be shiny he was just he looked like a tiny piece of doo-doo. And they would have

the grossest make-outs. And they... It was so... Remember Brigitte? Remember Z? Oh, my God, yes. I was like, sis, how much is in the contract?

You have to tell me. I know. Because the way you are on this show, it's like you are doing it just for the love of it. It was so... For the love of it.

Flavor of love. It was so bad. I had a job a couple years ago and this girl came in and she looked so familiar to me and I was like, where do I know her from?

And she was from, like, the ray ray jay show she was one of the oh wow do you watch tequila tequila i do remember her is she a republican now yeah she's like a hardcore chump but um but that's what happens when you do reality tequila tequila even like it's like a never meet your heroes moment like camille tweeted in support camille grammar who i like love um though i've never met um tweeted in support of brett kavanaugh she was like can we believe this woman why did it take so long and she like tweeted that and it's like Camille just hates women because women keep doing her dirty

yeah but whatever who cares she had like six nannies and two kids and she never had a job I know and she's married again now of course she is she needs somebody to like keep her entertained she's so boring I know but she would she would have you believe she works she produces TV

shows yeah yeah yeah she produced her segment of the show yeah that's the title that she gives herself but like she just shows up and you're like Somebody else will handle this Don't worry And she's like Yeah that's what I thought

She was in one meeting on screen Exactly Yeah Pat Thank you for doing Our raggedy ass podcast Thank you for having me If you could suggest

Maybe three series That people should start Or give a chance Yeah for sure I think people need to watch Big Brother It's so good Only the flyover states watch it

And I think people in LA watch it Yeah flyover states That's TV for them Square states with no beaches It's so for them Yeah They have nothing else It's so good

Big Brother is so good I do it every summer It's a commitment It's three Three one hour episodes a week One hour episodes Three one hour episodes a week So during the summer

I'm booked I'm doing three one hour episodes A week Of Big Brother And then I'm doing Two two hour episodes Of Bachelor in Paradise You're canceling everything

You're not going out You're not taking part How are you even able To go out And enjoy an espadrille wedge He's not And then one show That's popular

But I will shout it out Because it is i think the best sean bravo right now is um southern charm is so good and it has and it has cameron from the real world which is so cool to kind of check in with the same stranger when she's 19 and when she's 32 great she's still doing bad she's no she's she's still making poor choices no she is a class act okay and she's sober now she no no no she's but she was 19 when she was on the real world so she shouldn't have been drinking in the first place yeah that's a fact okay um and then we do i want to do kind of like a deep cut like a reality show i watched a

deep cut a throwback because i feel like i've done two kind of like a joe joe millionaire oh that show is so good oh wait a million million dollar listing oh million i don't i don't fuck with those ones um i don't know why i don't but i don't but i think ryan cheery han or whatever his name is is so hot yeah but i think he's getting less hot and that's something that happens and then you know what I'll say is go back in time and watch charm school with Monique yes I was gonna say that really she had all like the flavor of love girls and the rock of love girls the rock of oh yeah yo VH1 has all like they do they did that and now they're doing like love and hip-hop and stuff and it's something else but so sad all right well thank you thank

you guys were having where can people catch you you can catch me at i'm doing my um i do a podcast on this network called seek treatment with cat and pat yeah and i do a duplex show kind of whenever i feel like it where i do uh i do about 45 minutes to 50 minutes and i'm doing that one when will this come out who knows i mean january oh yeah so if it's the end there's still tickets i've been doing a show on two on february 4th there's still tickets and you can find those in my instagram bio beautiful excellent uh we heart you pat we i heart you guys this is just like uh if ever you want to audition for something come to us we'll produce it i would love to produce the tape yeah i just want you to do yourself tapes and like to post them because i want to know

hey guys it's me from gary indiana i'm fun you know yeah i'm christian i'm christian and I've only had throat gonorrhea three times oh my god next I'll be one of my next like step out of the bus I'll be one of my facts yes next I'm Pat I love running I love wedges and I've gotten throat gonorrhea three times from the same person

I used to love next next was a good show you're like I love the lord but I don't believe in the lord I love the lord but only on Sundays yes guys don't forget to rate comment and subscribe we'll see you when

next week yeah bye bye forever dog this has been a forever dog production

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and Instagram, at ForeverDogTeam, and liking our page on Facebook. That episode was a trip. But before we go, we must chat one more time about BetterHelp.com. What's standing between you and happiness? Is it you? Are your own feelings a roadblock preventing you from achieving your goals? Have you thought about talking to someone, but are uncertain or unsure of where to start? BetterHelp.com online counseling is there for you. BetterHelp makes it easy to connect with licensed professional counselors, caring professionals specializing in the issues that you want to talk about.

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