MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Lady/Freak Expert" with Karolena Theresa

Episode Date: December 16, 2016

For this episode of The Unofficial Expert; the ladies catch up with comedian Karolena Theresa to discuss what it means to be a Lady and Freak.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For you, the listeners of Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. To earn $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficialexperts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficialexperts to earn free driving credit. Guys, welcome to the Unofficial Expert. We've already started. Sydney's being shady to me, and I'm being my usual sunshiny self. Um, this is the podcast where we think that we know everything and everyone that we know knows everything, right?

No, they don't know. Okay. Don't nobody know nothing. We're just here winging it and having a great time and we're learning so much, aren't we? We are smarter people because of this podcast. I just want to learn a little bit every time, every day and every week I learned that I'm, I'm, I'm good at something else. Me too.

What are you good at this week? This week, I was an expert at sneaking into this fancy-ass hotel called the London Hotel and then working my way up to a party that I was not on the list for. When I tell you, I walked in in my sneakers and then was like, excuse me, I need to go to the restroom, walked into the bathroom, changed my shoes. And then when I came in, I think they thought that maybe I was like one of my Julia Roberts pretty women. They thought that I was in there looking for my Richard Gere.

You stay with like a change of something. I need a duffel bag all the time. No, I'll throw everything. If it doesn't fit in my purse, I'm not bringing it. Okay. But I feel like you do always have like an extra shoulder bag. I'll have an extra bag because you never know, man. Somebody might be like, hey, you want to get on this yacht?

Absolutely. I got a tunic right here. I got an evening gown. I got two pairs of shoes. Did you say this was an all white party? Look at that. Bam, linen pants. I'm ready.

Let's go. Did it. Let's go. White button up blouse. so at this party who was there anything cool a couple comedians were there it was a lot of food bloggers uh jb smooth was there um and it was an event and they had like all the cheese and all the like meats out and i was like well i don't want to be the first one to get food because maybe that's just like for display also you don't want to be the nigga that eats first right what i stay

with my little toothpick ready no no no when the people walk by with like the sliders and the shrimp and stuff you pick that up because they're ready to pass that out but if the table's untouched i don't want to be the first one over there knocking stuff down and like breathing on the ice sculpture like i can't i don't want to be responsible for that listen i'm always about breaking a seal so i want to be the first so we can get the party started no i'm not doing it not in front of all these white people in the penthouse of this hotel if i wait on somebody to eat knowing When these people, like all class, I'm not hungry. We'll never eat.

We'll just be waiting for the meat and cheese to melt. It tastes bad. There was a black dude. You know how they have the little bread that you eat with the cheese and stuff? He was making sandwiches. He had roasted red pepper on it. I was like, you ain't got no food at your house. Did he take some to go?

Probably. He was a chubby black man. He probably had some Tupperware like you. I didn't have any Tupperware on me. I had my shoes in my bag. It took up too much space. But I did take two gift bags on the way out. Did you?

I was like, thank you so much. You're so great, Marie. I'm really good at what I do. I feel like you ate all of the cookies that were in the box. Well, yeah, you know, I missed out. So, you know, the answer to the question is yes, I got you something. That's because I asked. It wasn't like you were going to bring, just give me cookies.

Well, I didn't know what was in the box. I thought it was a giant bottle of alcohol. but it was cookies and little mini bars. I stay looking at the gift bags and figuring out what's in it so I can feel like if it's for me, because I don't want to just carry around a gift bag if I don't want anything. I'm sorry, you're carrying an extra pair of white linen pants

that you're not going to carry around a free gift bag? I feel like your priorities are not in order, ma'am. I love a gift bag. It doesn't even matter what's in the gift bag. The actual box that they gave you was dope. It's beautiful. You can use that for a present even though you never give gifts. But anyways, that's not here nor there.

That is insane. You can re-gift a gift to yourself because you stay giving yourself gifts. Listen, I'm just the person who gives a lot of gifts to me. My presence is a presence to myself. You really are. Cindy, stop laughing at me and tell me what you did this week that made you feel smart. What did you do this week? Laugh at you.

You are an expert at that because I'm funny. You hear what I'm saying? I'm quite hilarious. I'm laughing at you. Okay, thank you. I'm an expert in drinking agua. I'm sorry? Drinking water.

H2O. I tried my best this week to drink more water and be more hydrated because I'd be thirsty. Shouldn't you stay dry? Not for people, but thirsty just in terms of hydration. You know, when you don't drink enough water, your skin be dry. And I'm looking at your knuckles right now. They're way better. They're doing better?

Yes. So how did you drink more water this week? You guys ran out of juice at the house? No, I just have to remind myself because how many glasses of water do you drink a day? Well, I wake up and I drink a glass of water first thing in the morning, right? And then before I go to bed, I drink a glass of water too. And sometimes when I come home, the first thing I do is I drink water after I wash my hands. Yeah, you don't like really drink juice or anything like that.

No, but I got a bunch of soda in my fridge from my birthday that's still in there. Yeah, I don't really drink soda a lot, but I do love some fructose. Some fructose? Some high fructose corn syrup? High fructose, whatever you call it. I love it. You're going to die this Thursday. Yeah, but I'm trying to cut down on it.

So I've been drinking. I try to drink 10 glasses of water a day. Oh, Sydney, what? 10 glasses of water a day? How many glasses of water did you drink yesterday? Yesterday, I had seven. You don't even have any glasses in your house. You drink ten glasses.

I have mason jars. Sydney, I was with you yesterday, and I didn't see you drink any glasses of anything. I didn't have glasses. I had bottles. So did you drink a whole bottle of water? Yeah, I had about three bottles of water yesterday. Okay. And then I had glasses of water when I, you know.

Okay. Okay. Well, that's good that you're drinking more water. It's good. I'm needed because, first of all, I hate going to the bathroom and going after someone, And they didn't flush And they pee Looks like chicken noodle soup

Oh yes It's just like Yes yes That ramen water Dude What are you doing With your life Like if your pee

Is 20 shades of yellow You need to go Check that out No you know Sometimes people pee Be so dark It looks like Orangey brown

Yeah So Sydney You've been drinking water For a week And you already Judging people's Shades of pee Yeah

You got some nerve You know how I do I'm all about Judging Judging Judging Judy Yeah I can't believe you.

I just want to be better because I am getting older and I'm doing this for vanity reasons, really. Because I feel like... Well, drinking a lot of water is good for your skin. Yeah. And your hair. Like, it radiates all through your cells and stuff. And I just want to glow and be better than everybody. The glow up is real.

It's really important. The more water you drink, the better you are than most of the people on the J train. I'm sorry, I feel like this podcast might be sponsored by water today. It's not, though. not sponsored by water but water if you're out there um what kind of water would you like we'll take that chick water fiji uh we'll take smart water because jennifer anderson got enough money dasani no thank you no thank you dasani we don't there's only dasani we don't want you we're all set but we will take that smart water that glacier i'll take a i'll take a

spring as well uh apparently pollen spring is like just dust in a clear bottle oh no who told do that this lady was telling me that as a student like they tested all the water she's a water and she said pollen spring was one of the worst waters that you could drink well maybe you are the expert in water right now no i'm not but the lady told me that and she was like fiji's good smart water's good but like all the other ones this woman is just talking about stuff that costs money that's all that is while she said it to me i was sipping on a bootay of pollen spring i had a straw though So it was like a classy dress. Oh, did you have like a red or dark lip on?

I did have a dark lip on. Yes, I did. Oh, you were somewhere fancy? It was a photo shoot for a magazine. Anyway, here we go with your damn plugs. Anyway, we're doing so good today. We're in good moods, good spirits. We have a great guest today.

Y'all gonna love her. What is she an expert in, Marie? Well, our guest today is an expert at being a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Now, I don't know how we're going to test her freakiness, but we're going to find out if this is true. Yes. Okay. This woman, this woman. Yes, this woman that is on the show today.

A young lady. This young lady. She's younger than you. We're like, maybe we went to the same school. But she is a comedian here in New York. She's one of our favorite comics. Give it up for Carolina Teresa. Carolina.

Yay. Yay. Should we clap? Yay. I'm clapping for myself. You always have to clap for yourself. You better clap for yourself because these people not going to clap for you, girl.

What happened? I want that. What is that? Okay, so Carolina brought her Dell. My work computer. Her Dell Lenovo ThinkPad. She is such a lady that she brought her work laptop here at the podcast

and she's not doing work, but what is she doing? She's on ASOS. Excuse me, I am doing work. Swivel the screen so I can see what you want from ASOS because ASOS It's a long dress, and it's for $162 now. I love it, though. You got so much nerve. It's a little bit sheer.

Now, I'm currently going to stay in a dress, too. I've never seen her in, like, a jean. I've never seen you in jeans. She's wearing a dress right now. I don't wear jeans. I wore pants, though, this week, and it was very strange. Why don't you wear pants? Are you an old school, like...

Your parents won't let you wear pants? Oh, no. Actually, it's not that they wouldn't let me wear pants. they did my grandma didn't like pants yeah like sometimes in the summer she'd wear a culotte but she didn't like pants what is a culotte like a baggy harem pant please explain no it's not a harem pant i love a culotte i think i get my see i'll wear like a culotte jumpsuit okay you need to tell me what a culotte is you don't know what a culotte is a culotte it's uh it's like a wide leg pant but it's cropped so it comes to like just below your calf so it looks like um so it's like

so it's a gaucho it's a gaucho it's like flooding pants kind of it's a little higher than a gaucho I don't know how I feel about that So your grandma was wearing gauchos? Yeah she used to love a culotte in the summer But for the most part she liked dresses And I just think I'm like a girly kind of girl I like dresses Okay see boom lady in the streets

Cause you stay in a dress Always and it's a different cut always I like it I'm here for all of that You got a little split today I can see your panties from where you're sitting right now No you cannot I'm gonna need you to hit them legs with some Neutrogena No let me tell you something

I'm ashy because I was rushing out of my house I need you to hit them legs I'm always dry Hit them legs Carolina I can legit see your panties You cannot see my panties I'm going to tell you what color they are and if I'm right you're going to have to leave They're like a white cream beige

Fuck you I'm going to need you to hit them legs with some jojoba oil Do you guys have any for me? At least I have on panties Well thank god for that I'm glad that it's not laundry day. No, sometimes I just don't wear panties. I mean, I'm here for that.

I'm here for no panties in a dress. Does that make you a lady? Is that ladylike to go without panties in a dress? No, that's not ladylike. That's the freakiest part. You are a lady expert today, though. Okay, so then I'll pretend that I always wear panties. Nah, but that's the freaking sheets part.

Yeah. So are you dating somebody? Are you in a relationship, Miss Ladylike? Oh, my God. I am not in a relationship but I went on a date yesterday okay where did you meet him or her it was a him

he works with my friend at a bakery oh so he got them cakes yeah he got them cakes so we can just go in there and get some some macaroons probably but I don't think I should pursue it

he was short? no he wasn't short but he doesn't speak English well he speaks French that's better that way it's better like that no but he's also like super traditional African wait what

what African country Burakana Faso okay see I don't know what that is that sounds too African for me yeah it is he came

he was wearing his like traditional clothing at the bakery no at the date you better do it so how did you guys end up going on a date

you better come in you don't even speak he dressed up you better come in your dashiki you better do it what's the country that you said

where is that it's by ghana and cote d'avoie and there we go you better do it i like that you speak a little french i know i've been to cote d'avoie you got all the money you guys are ridiculous so you didn't like him because he came in no i liked him a lot he's very nice it just was hard to communicate we were like talking to each other through google Translate. Oh, hell no. And he's very traditional. He offered to have me, he offered to have an African dress made for me. I'll have to say yes.

It was the first day. Tina knows better do it. It was the first day and he was like, I will, he was like, I have the cloth at home. I just have to take it. We have to go to the plane. Tina knows. You better do it. You better get that dress made. No. You get like a mermaid cut or like an A-line.

Michelle Obama. Africana couture. You better do it. He was really nice though. He had Project Runway. african project runway you're gonna zoom listen if a man has a needle and thread it makes you something no he's not gonna make it himself he's gonna have it so he doesn't have a needle and thread but now so but he but was he cute he was cute i don't know that's my type i love like a dark-skinned guy i like african guys so what's the problem you don't you can't understand it no well there's that the communication problem and then also like our lives are just so different

and he's super traditional african and i know from experience that eventually like they get too intense and i'm always like they're all there are they are pretty intense dudes most men are intense so it's not even no that's not true some of them are very like but i think that's that white men you be dating no no no no white men being no white okay hold on first of all i'm back to black so i'm gonna need for you to hush because the people in this podcast don't know my life but also i think that like anybody who's not from this country can be very intense right of course yeah so like especially like an african or a west indian or like god forbid you dating an asian you know they god forbid i dated an asian one oh how did that go well he was half korean and half

irish what so he was a kairish yeah he was kairish he was that sounds racist right there that does not sound good well irene like it doesn't sound good the other way kairish is the way they got kairish anyway so he was from queen he was from queens he had so much swag i think he was like too cool for me i'm sorry no korean irish man has more swag and who lives in dusty ass queens will have more swag no yeah no choi choi shout out to mike choi oh my god hey mike choi buck choi will come into my house be like yo what's up i'm outside and i'll be like no no you're not Well, speak to me like this, Mike Choi. Yes, Mike Choi.

You need to be like, hello. Talk to me like that. That's a panty dropper right there. So you threw your whole head back when you said Mike Choi talked to me like that. So did he put it down? Wait, hold on. Was he outside your window just like throwing rocks at an egg girl up here? No, no, no, in the car.

In the car. He had a car? Yeah. He had a horse and carriage? Yeah. What kind of car did Mike Choi have? He had like a red car. I don't know.

I'm not good. I don't know cars. I don't drive. He had a red Camry. He had a red car. It was a two-door, and then if you were getting in the backseat, you had to get out the front and fold the seat. He didn't have sex in the car.

He had a smart car. Did you have sex in the car? No, no, no, no. I've never had sex in a car. I've had sex in so many places, but not in a car. Okay, yeah. Let's go. So red car, Mike Chouet.

What was the sex like? We never had sex. Hold on. I was in high school. I didn't have sex when I was in high school. Okay, me neither. We just did other stuff and made out a lot. And he was very hot and tall.

He was a tall Korean-Irish man? Do they come tall? yes honey they do what tall for you though you're not that tall um excuse me i like i mean 5 11 and above you at least at least minimum i'm here i'm here for that okay so wait before we get into the relationship the freak in the street we need to get to the lady part okay no i just wanted to know she brought it up oh how she threw her whole you a hoe no no you brought up the asian then it made me think of the asian oh the african guy i just want to say i i don't know i feel like i should date him because he like is very like the last two ex-boyfriends that i have got mad at me because

i didn't want to get married and they were both africans so do you really not want to get married right now or just like ever i don't know if i want to get married in the future and i definitely don't want to get married now i'm here for that because you're young and everything tight and whatnot you'll be in equinox and soul cycle and shit you think you do between them you have to go to soul cycle tomorrow as soon as everything drop you're gonna be like you know what i need to settle down, and my membership is over. That's a lie. I need to see if I can get that dress made.

See if he's still got that kente cloth. I don't have any plans of that. I'm gonna be a fabulous old lady. I'm gonna be a fabulous old lady. I'm gonna have young lovers. I'm gonna be out here in these streets killing it, and I'm still gonna look good. Ooh, she gonna have young lovers. That's what all these young girls be talking about, and then fucking

31 hit you. Like, you know what? I think my uterus just fell out. I don't know if my fallopian tubes is all fallopian. If my uterus falls out, I'm kicking it across the street because I don't need it no more. Okay. No, not me. I'm burning all my always infinity pads.

I'm going to be stuffing it back in like a tampon. I'm like, no, get back in there and stay. If the uterus fall out, that means God didn't want me to have a uterus no more. I'll tie them fallopian tubes right up into a little knot. Carolina, we need to get to this lady

part. What makes you a lady other than wearing dresses with slits in it and not putting lotion on your face honestly like you guys are the ones that are calling me a lady you guys always so you don't think that you're because you speak so well yeah you speak well you speak well you always your your skin care your beauty care your your etiquette everything screams like i am a lady like you we came over to your house you cook dinner for us yes you were in a leather short leather short

just for regular cooking like for us we were just chilling in stretch pants I didn't have makeup on though but you had on

a leather short and there was poom pooms they were not poom pooms and there was a man present they were not

poom pooms and there was not a man there there was Reggie Reggie's not a man you had a Beyonce wave going on with your hair

yes and you had a midriff on oh a crop top I feel like Carolina's staying a crop top though and a high waisted

something with a crop top When you're very confident, I feel like you hold it down for yourself. And I feel like you're a lady. Reggie made fun of me because he said that I made appetizers. And then he said that made me bougie. Reggie get no ass. So no matter what Reggie says. Reggie ate all the apps.

Because when I arrived, there were no apps, just entrees. So I'm a lady because I made appetizers. Yeah, but you know, Reggie's probably dealing with these hood rats and these beige women who do not cook for him. I know Reggie, and he gets no ass. I'm joking. You guys are like, Reggie was in your room. I'm like, yeah, Reggie was in my room. I put a face mask on him.

Yeah, that's very Lady. Reggie is about to be on TV, so he get ass now. So anyways, Carolina. Carolina, have you given Reggie some ass? No, don't say that on the podcast. I just want to know. What is that? Oh, my God.

Is that Black Soul? No, she brought Indian healing clay. Are you doing facials for the podcast? Well, this is how you're a lady right here. Sydney, you said you were having, we have to watch that. Sydney, you said you were having issues with your skin. I am having issues with my skin. Let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see.

So I brought this. We have to mix it with some apple cider vinegar. Oh my God. So we're going to do a facial here? We're doing science experiments in here. I'm down. Sydney, let me see the healing clay. I'm down for a facial.

This is why you're a lady. You care about stuff like this. Oh my God, I care so much about my skin. Okay, so let's talk about skin then, since you're a lady. What's your regimen? Like, what's your, at the end of the day, you get home, how do you cleanse your face? well first of all i take my makeup off with uh dead sea wipes oh where you get those from whole foods no not whole foods i order them online amazon so they're dead sea wipes and then you

how do you like cleanse your face and then i mean it depends on how i feel about my skin that day because you know your skin it changes sometimes sometimes you do a good job of drinking water and sometimes you don't sometimes you like eat a bunch of shit and you know you've got oil in your body So it depends What I did yesterday Was I got home, I took off my makeup I exfoliated because I just felt like I needed it First of all, you're young

Can you tell the viewers how old you are? I'm 28 I didn't know that's how old you were I thought you were 24 I thought you were 24, Carolyn That's how you look, you look 24 Thank you And you have very youthful energy

Very youthful So you exfoliate That was Marie saying that she's 24 just so you know i didn't say that what did i say what did i say you were like kind of like she has youthful energy i think we all look the same listen somebody yesterday told me that they thought i was in my 30s because i seem older he's like you look young but you see you act like a mature 32 i was like not really though you're so silly you are silly but marie is always kind of just like behave yourself do this do that no she doesn't only only when i'm hungry

maybe just only when i'm hungry when she's angry she's like that but for for the most part we be acting silly flipping around acting or maybe it's just me being foolish and she just be like okay yes usually that anyways carolina so get to the skin so i exfoliate um and then i cleanse with uh it sounds like a lot of steps how long does it take you to do all this really quickly exfoliate i cleanse i moisturize i go to bed what moisturizer do you use if my skin feels dry sometimes i'll do like a hydrating mask like i have a hydrating overnight mask what's the best mask uh it's an origin hydrating like overnight mask yeah yeah yeah and uh how much does that cost for us broke hose two broke hose i don't know i think it's like you don't even look at

the price you know you just be throwing it in the bag no no i think it i don't think it's that expensive i feel like it's like 25 for one mask no no it's not a sheet mask it's an actual it's in a bottle okay okay how much is this clay jar this is very natural and i think that's like 15 bucks that's in my price and then you mix it with the apple cider vinegar but you should get the apple cider vinegar with mother in it mother mother mother may i yes you may mother is um it's a it's i don't want to i don't want to mess it up but i think it's like a bacteria that grows in the apple cider vinegar, not in a bad way, it's good for you, it's like

the best and most pure kind of apple cider vinegar. I don't know if I want mother on me. Let me write that down. Mother. Mother, may I? Yes, you may. Can I get that mother, may I apple cider vinegar up in that bitch? Excuse me, I just came here to eat, and I believe there's some mother in my pancakes,

so I'm gonna need to not paste this. So you exfoliate, you do your face. Yeah. Why is skin so important to you as a lady? i i just grew up my mother and my grandma always took care of their skin skin and like this my makeup habit is all my mom like i've never seen my mom like go to the drugstore and buy makeup all my mom's makeup comes from like the counter or sephora or like your mom too good for cover girl queen collection 100 she is too good for cover girl and so then i grew up with that

habit and then when i graduated from college my dad was like no more sephora's it was like get out of here by your own would you consider your mother like super ladylike yes my mother is very ladylike what's something that she does that like you feel like most women maybe don't do like is your mom like that makes her the most ladylike person you know i just think she's like she's bougie but i don't know what she does does she wear an apron when she cooks no does she put rollers in her hair does she put rollers in her hair yeah no she goes to the hair salon she she goes to the hair salon wait she don't put rows so she don't wear like a head nap head wrap or nothing like that like a bonnet guatemalan right so we don't know what that means yes her hair she

doesn't guatemalan women don't have to they don't do that what i'm sorry well can we see a picture of your mom because i want to see what you look like she's got straight hair it's straight like naturally don't get curly or nothing even when it's wet she she's so it gets like a little curly But her hair She's Guatemalan You know what a Guatemalan Looks like Carolina

No we don't Show us a Guatemalan My phone's over there I'm a Google I thought you were black I'm a Google Guatemalan women Oh no I am

My dad is I am black My father has brown skin And is black But my mom Is like tan And with straight hair Okay

She looks Hispanic Let's get in front of Well hold on Is she on your Facebook She's on my Instagram Oh she's on the gram There's pictures of Sandy On the Instagram

Sandy Hey Sandy Let me look Let me look for Carole now so so your mom doesn't wear a scarf at night do you wear a bonnet no you sleep on a silk pillowcase no what you you just out in these streets on a cotton you have way too many anglo-saxons in your life carolina you need some more black friends in your life no i have two no i'm just joking i have more than two you have two no i have more than two i am i can't believe and your hair

is really healthy it looks super simple yeah i take care of my hair okay tell us about hair what do you do um i wear clip-in extension that's not taking care of your hair okay fine uh so like last night i i i washed my hair this morning so last night i put in like this dominican deep conditioner and then i why didn't you put in hold on why didn't you put in a haitian deep condition it's the same thing except it's not spanish when i go to the dominicans they always find a way to cut my bangs real ratchet like you know what it is like they like heat too they will pull your hair right off your scalp and then be like but it's straight when it hits the ground they'd be like but it's straight though you literally have no like hairline your hairline will be burnt off

mommy though like the blowout is good right it's cool so when i was little my mom and my aunt would take me and my cousin and my sister to the hair salon to get our hair done because they didn't know how to do our hair your mom didn't know how to do your hair no my mom doesn't have hair like me and my aunt is white so she didn't know how to do my see this is the problem when these white women not your mom but when these white women get with these black dudes that's how they have these kids that have like this fuzzy like rainbow cloud of beautiful hair and then they're like i don't know how to do this and you know the black dude don't know how to do it he's like just throw a prom on it and that's how these black women grow up we just went to the salon

and got our hair straightened and we would cry and my mom would say, where's best life? Beauty is pain. Yo, your mom sounds like... Beauty is pain. Her name is Sally.

Sandra. Sandra. You better do it, Sandra. Sandra better do it. She used to say that. You know, I am scrolling through your Instagram right now. I haven't found Sandra,

but I see six photos of Reggie. Oh my God. Give me that. Six. You do not see six photos. So Reggie, what that mouth do? You guys are ridiculous.

So your mom is your lady like inspiration? My mom and I think my aunt Shirley. Shirley. That sounds like an aunt. Aunt Shirley. She's on my father's side and she lives in Canada and she is very classy. What does she

do? She wears pearls. As far as I know she does not work. That's all about being a lady. I want to find out how I get in that lifestyle. She is the president of like the women's negro club of Montreal. Women's negro club.

wnc excuse me okay it's like very society she throws like galas she has like very fabulous like rich black girlfriends that just like they're they're always like traveling and doing stuff and like going around the world of course she's married to my uncle who has money what does uncle him do um he owned a business like an i like an it tech was he supposed to come to the show Oh, no, no, no. That's Tio Juanito. That's on my mom's side. Is that the uncle you were trying to hook me up with?

Yeah. She was like, I want you to date my Tio. I was like, uh, girl. He would love you. He would love you. And Marie, since you like older men now, you like that life alert style. So I think you should definitely hook them up. Yeah, I will hook you up.

Tio Juanito has money. How old is Tio Juanito? Oh, he's the same age as my mom. So what's that mean? So what, yeah. So I feel like he's like 58. 50? I almost fell off.

I almost fell off the floor. 58? Carolina, that's too old. No, that's not. You can help him with his insulin, give him his sugar pills. He looks good for his age. He lives a good life. What is good for 58?

He's single. He has a really nice house in New Jersey with a jacuzzi with a TV in it. Okay, but I'm not going to New Jersey. I'm not going to New Jersey for a 58-year-old. It's not so far. It's vintage penis. I can't. I'm not traveling to New Jersey.

He's got a balcony off the side of his room. It's nice. Okay. So why is he single? well he's been married like three times how does he still have money um i don't know he still has money okay hey tío juanito can you bring him to the show this weekend i know hey tío juanito when you're gonna come take me to dinner tío juanito i like i would just say that in the bit tío juanito all right all right get a little creepy okay so since we're talking about

the bit now i feel like we're ready to talk about why you don't think that you're a lady but you think you got all these i mean you must have a bunch of crazy freaky lady stories i do so what's the least ladylike thing you think you've ever done ever like the messiest thing that you were like oh well your last relationship your that guy was pretty square right not in the bedroom he was a parallelogram what was a hexagon he was a rhombus in the bedroom what you mean not in the bedroom what happened also bring your sleeve down a little bit because your elbow is drier than your knees so dry do you have you got eczema eczema fuck you guys yeah no it's psoriasis i do no i have like eczema though but whatever um no he was really

really really good in bed it was like the best sex i've ever had i also think you were in love so that don't count no no no no sometimes i like really wish that other people could have fucked him so that they would understand okay that wasn't ladylike right there that wasn't ladylike you got to be like made love with this man but she's talking about the bedroom the boudoir yeah so you wish other people who had banged him so that they would understand what i was talking about everyone thinks it's because i was in love but i'm like yes i was very much in love with him but that dick though that dick though what tell us about the dick what did the thing look like it was amazing i don't know what amazing dick is i mean he'll never find out about this so i will tell

you the best thing that we've ever done go ahead okay girl we on itunes so i don't know i don't know he'll never listen to it he won't listen to it go ahead um he one time his sister was visiting oh and you got it in with the no no no no and his sister like his family is very religious so they didn't know that we were having sex so that i slept over his house oh so you're gonna sneak out like when the mom was like in the shower no he he lived it by himself in new york but just in general oh okay his own apartment but in general his family like lived in tennessee and they didn't know that in general he had sex so they thought he was a virgin yes they thought that i was like a nice girl they thought this grown-ass man how old was he he's 30 and they thought his 30 year

old ass was saving it for marriage okay and i guess his sister did too because his sister stayed with him for like a month in the summer and i like couldn't sleep over so we hadn't had sex so when he invited me to his job because we were going to go to my friend's birthday oh oh yeah you did at the job where he worked did he work in like a in a corner office on a desk on a desk and i had no idea oh you had no idea that that's what was going to happen when you got there and he works in like a really nice he works in like a at an investment firm he wears suits every day he's like very oh did he leave the suit pants on or he let them like hit him at the ankles yo he just like and i was wearing a jumpsuit and he just like put me on the desk

ripped the jumpsuit down and i was like and then got on his knees and i was like wait did he buy you another jumpsuit he didn't like rip it and break it but he oh so he didn't really do nothing because i want you to rip it from the same i want the buttons to be bouncing off the windows he ripped your panties he ripped my panties they're probably like three for 30 yeah that's what you get for being in a simian yourself at victoria's secret that's so wait was it his corner office or was it just a random corner it was a random one now what if this person had walked in like i just need to get this file off my head oh my god that would have been so just came in here to get a file it was really nice though we like see the whole city it was very hot oh that's i'm you

want to get on that status marie i mean baby you should yeah only and there's nothing hotter than like fucking a guy in a suit in a corner office like come on it depends on what kind of suit it is i can't trust me just begin any type of suit it's a slim fit like it's a good one i i like top shop but i'm not trying to have a dude in a top shop suit i would never date someone who wears a top shop suit i don't even know top shop they got suits yeah yeah they know who has cute suits. J.Crew. J.Crew is good suits. I don't even know if I would date someone that wore a J.Crew suit. Well, J.Crew is just, you know,

that's where white people be at. But, yes. So, that happened. The hood dudes that just got out of jail be going to J.Crew as well. No, they don't. Hood dudes that just got out of jail will go to get a Jimmy Jam suit. I don't want to date a hood dude. Have you never dated a hood guy? No. Huh. So, how are we going to

make this happen? I don't know. What do you mean? So, what's your, like, what's your dream hood dude? I don't know. Actually, I met this guy the other day and I thought he looked like it, but he really wasn't. He was talking my ear off about his feelings, and I was like. Bro, you know people in the hood got feelings, too. I know, but he just wasn't what I thought he was when I looked at him.

Don't be like Marie and be like, oh, you can't tell somebody how you feel. No, I'd love for you to tell me how you feel. But she wanted a hood dude. Yeah, I did. Somebody to disrespect her and then not take her to a corner office. Take her to a corner store. Yeah. A bodega.

Actually, no. All of that doesn't sound very good. She wanted somebody to take her to the top flight of the top of the stairs. Okay, you mess around, you'll be somebody's trap queen, cooking pies in the kitchen for your baby. I wouldn't cook no pie for anyone. A.K.A. pie is cocaine, just so you know. I'll tell you another thing that I did that was very unladylike,

I just remembered. Okay, go ahead. I was in South Africa. Wait, what? First of all, just being in another country, that's super ladylike. That's very ladylike. That sounds very Shirley to me. Yeah.

that means you got miles that means you on a plane that means you weren't on a greyhound no I wasn't on a greyhound I actually went by boat I'm sorry you went to South Africa from New York by boat?

no I didn't come directly from New York I was already in Africa and I was traveling and it was by boat stop looking at me like that so was it a yacht or was it like a little tugboat travel like that on a yacht it's not that you use this uh triangle slave so this means that she has been on a yacht and she's like that's that's not what she was like this is definitely not what

a yacht is so you weren't you got on an african safari yacht no it wasn't an african safari yacht no but this was like i had gotten off the boat i was in south africa and i don't even remember the name of where i was i just i i landed in cape town and then we left and we went to go white water river rafting that's that way you don't do that in africa no no they do that in south africa that's what a white folks are terrible that sounds awful no what white water river rafting it really isn't that bad and then also we did like you could do that in wisconsin i don't like the word white in the river rafting yeah that's what i don't like well i did get in a boat with a white dude and i let him do all the work i just literally laid there okay you just lay there you were a

lazy i mean yeah i was laying here and i let him raft it but and then also you let him have sex with you no i let him do the rowing i thought rafted is like a new term just my friend said he don't know what the kids are saying but then when he finished white water rafting then he was like let me get on this black no no then we had a wine tasting okay that's super ladylike so then after the wine tasting i mean during the wine tasting i was getting real soft yeah and i was talking to some guy and i was like whatever like just talking to him and he was nice and i he was from new york too so afterwards like everyone's like going to sleep and we start making out and we're like he was like walking me back to like my little cabin with a white man

no it's a black with a white man this is a white no this is a white man carolina how are you surprised carolina looked like she dated white dudes and black dudes She dated an Irish Korean? Yeah. Okay, so. I don't discriminate. And you just flipped your hair on that? Girl, get out.

No, I didn't. Okay, so you in the way. We're going to call the way I do Chad. So Chad is walking you back to your hut. Yes, Chad is walking me back to my hut. I want to call him Avery, but Chad. And not my hut. It's a cabin.

So sudden. So he's walking me back to the cabin. And like, we're by where all the cabins are now. And we start making out. And he pushes me up against this tree. So you had a white man push you up against a tree. In Africa. Yes.

carolina i know but it was amazing no girl i'm sorry so the bark was on your back and yeah he was on your front did he bring out some rope too no oh damn i can't tell you guys no no no no you can tell us everything we can keep it we're kidding we're kidding so then so he pushed you up against the tree and that's what y'all banged no we did not bang he just got down and ate me out oh okay and i was drunk so i was just like oh my god i was making so much noise this is where all the cabins were this is where all the cabins were bitch i was screaming it was amazing i don't know that's very literally when he was done i was like all right bye see you tomorrow but did you say thank you yes i did that's the lady that's the lady right

i did say thank you i was like thank you bye and i left and then the next day no no did you say thank you good day no good day good day sir so you said thank you the next day what happened the next day like all these girls were like oh my god somebody was like having sex last night i'm like she was so loud and it was so crazy and like everyone was like gossiping about this couple that had loud sex and i was like what they were like it was girl somebody had sex last night i was like this is crazy you know when i drink i fall right to sleep i don't even know what's happening and somebody pulled out the phone uh with the pictures of you with your head thrown back against the tree well I've never been caught thank you Jesus you never

been good they've seen you but they haven't said anything to you no one's ever caught me no you have a lot of sex in public no she's a lady um more lady stuff you do a lot of dinner parties have you ever had like a dinner party and then like a sex party after that party involves other people I never had a sex party okay so you just what you mean other people yeah like do you mean like i had a dinner party and then everybody go home and then i have sex with my boyfriend because yes no that's not what we mean that's great you you do a lot of dinners yeah i think you pull it together too yeah like for what you have it's what you mean for what i have what does that mean

Sydney, you need to, because I don't know what you need. No, no, no. I mean, like, a woman at your level, like, it's not like you are on the Upper East Side. Oh, no, yeah. But you make it feel very Upper East Side-ish. Exactly. I'm a lady in Brooklyn. You're a lady in Bushwick.

That's impossible. I'm a lady in Bed-Stuy, honey. Oh, you're in Bed-Stuy. You're not in Bushwick? I'm not even in Bushwick. I'm in Bed-Stuy. Okay, that's better. So that's better than Bushwick?

No, I don't think it's better. I think it's worse. Our viewers might be from another, you know, state, so they don't understand. They don't understand that I'm about that hood life. Just know that Bushwick is terrible. That's where Sidney lives. I agree. Quite terrible.

Well, I think I get the dinner party thing from, like, my mom, especially from my Aunt Shirley. She throws a dinner party. Okay, what does Aunt Shirley do? What's her, like, go-to's? She, like, sets out the spread. She has all the food. What exactly is a spread? I mean, well, for me, like, my aunt will have, like, salad fork, fork, dessert spoons, like, soup spoons, wine glass.

This is Shirley doing this? Shirley is, oh. She has a lot of utensils. Well, when she's doing a dinner, she's doing a dinner. She's doing a dinner. So now, Carolina, what, what? What's your transition, girl? No, I was trying to say what, like, if you were going to have a dinner party, like, what would your, like, ideal spread be?

Like, if you could, like, if money and time wasn't an issue, like, what would you want to have at your dinner party? Money and time? I don't know. I feel like it depends on, like, what I was feeling or what everybody wanted or what the. People are so hyped up on caviar, and I don't get it. I don't also. Also don't get it. Can someone explain?

Have you had caviar before? I've had caviar. You know what I like? what's it called? The little orange ones? No, the little bread. Oh, the panini. Panini. Panini. I like panini, though, but I don't care about caviar. Like the beluga. It's too salty.

It's always too salty. I mean, I don't mind. It's okay with the sour cream. Yeah, they have a lot of accoutrements with it. Yeah, but if I gotta dress it up, then that means that it's not that good by itself. Why do I need all this stuff to make caviar taste just alright? Decent. It's alright

for me, but I know people who spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on caviar. It was really good. I'm trying to think about where I was. Somewhere being a lady and then having sex in the bathroom. What about seafood? Are you like a big

seafood person at a dinner party? I used to love seafood. What happened? Who ruined it? I recently realized that I got allergic to it. What? You can't have no crab legs? You can't have no lobsters? You can't have no soft-shell crab?

You know how I found out? I had crab legs. And I went to a UCB show and I was in the audience and I was in the audience and I literally started swelling up Hitch style, like Will Smith, just like my ears, my ears, my eyes. Like I was so, my nipples had hives on them. Like my entire body was full of hives. I had to run to a Dwayne Reed and straight up just like chug Benadryl. Oh my God, that's awful. I'm allergic to shellfish now.

I didn't know Benadryl was what people took with me. But I like for an ideal meal, I think that steak is obviously really good. Chicken over steak? No. She said steak. No, no, no. I mean, like, if you were, you would pick steak instead of chicken. I would pick steak over chicken.

I'm here for it. Marie. I love steak. But, like, really good steak, and I, I don't know. It depends. Sometimes I have a theme, because when I do a dinner party, I like to go with a theme. Like, I like to cook dishes that go with each other. Okay.

so like i want to do guatemalan food when we have our next dinner party last time what did i make that was just kind of like you meant like you meant like a stew let me tell you that was like spanish kind of spanish it was like my mom would make yo what the cauliflower rice i can't even stop talking about it because it was cauliflower chopped up like a ras a rosa roni it was amazing it was good but you know what it is because city's not used to eating vegetables facts she don't even know what a cauliflower is and okay you have that sasson on deck yeah it was good everything that you made was and then we had like a there was champagne yeah it was a lot happening that y'all have mimosas we were supposed to toast to you we forgot to toast to you but we did drink it

we drank it we drank it we definitely drank it i feel like now what we're gonna do kelly is we We want to test your expertise on lady-likeness and freakiness. Okay. We have a couple questions for you. Yes. So what we're going to do is we want you to put on your little expert glasses right there. The expert glasses look great on you. They look amazing.

Fabulous. Thank you. Are you ready to tell us how smart you are? Of course. I'm always ready. Okay. We've got three quick questions. Just three.

If you get them right, then you're obviously the expert in all things lady-like and freakiness in the sheets or against trees in south africa for sure okay sydney do you have the questions yes um dinner placement where does everything go everything yes everything are we talking more than one plate how would shirley do it how would shirley do it okay so forks and knives all the utensils everything so out here we have oh your salad fork your dinner fork you have your charge plate then you have your charge plate what is it whatever

this second plate is and then the salad plate on top right salad plate okay gotta have that and then you having your spoons and your what are the spoons It's your teaspoon and your Soup spoon Yes It's your teaspoon and your soup spoon

I just wanted to know how I knew the answer And then you have your Wine glasses You have your red and your white And then you have your water glass And then you have your Is there soup? Are we having no soup?

We might be having soup So you could either put You could put the soup bowl on top of the plate or you could put it in the front. You could put it in front of you. And then over here you have your dessert. I think that's messy. I like it on top, but whatever.

Okay, you can put it on top or you can put it in front of you. Then you have your dessert, spoon, and fork. Yeah, I think that's about it. Is that it? I don't know. I think I might be missing something, but I can't remember. You are very important. What? Knives.

Yeah, you didn't say no butter knife. Oh, butter knife and regular knife. You didn't say a single knife. So, your knife is over here where your soup spoon and your, what's the other fucking spoon? Soup and teaspoons are. Yes. Your knife goes over here. And you don't have to, like, butter knife?

For the rolls. For the bread. Yeah, but not everybody puts out a butter knife. Wait, who is not? Shirley, don't put out a butter knife. Who's not eating bread with butter? Everybody eats bread, but, like, you can move the butter around. Like, you don't have, everyone doesn't have to have their own individual butter knife.

But I've seen that before. You are right. I'm just saying, that's super fancy. That's calm. What homes you been in? Surely crazy. Because I be in the penthouse. The penthouse is having the knives.

I believe you. Because you know white people be ready to kill you after dinner. Anyways, that steak knife be out too. When they bring that steak knife out, they going to eat that bloody steak in your face. That bloody steak will be your face. Okay, so we going to give you that point. But really. That felt like two points to me.

Except you didn't know what a soup spoon was. Which is crazy. I just couldn't say the word, but I knew what it was. Also, a butter knife, really? You're going to play me on a butter knife? Yes. You're not going to play you on it. Whatever.

That was wild. When a man, a young man and a young woman are walking down the street, where should they be standing on the sidewalk? The man should be standing closest to the street, and she should be standing close inside towards the sidewalk. Why is that? Why is that? Do you know?

I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I just think it's just etiquette. I just think it's just like, it's being nice. It's gentlemanly. I heard that that means that if the woman is on the outside, that means she's open for anybody to just come and talk to her. I heard it was, so if a car jumps the curve, it'll hit him first.

I did not hear that. That one makes more sense. I'm going to go with Maria on that. And I'm going to say that just because you answered that, doesn't mean they're right. Why are they walking? They should be in a car. You don't get that point.

We're going to deduct a point. Excuse me, that's not fair. I answered the question. The correct answer is that young man should have a car. How do you know he doesn't have a car? Maybe they're walking to the car. Maybe they live in New York. Maybe he should go get the car, and I'll wait for him where we was at.

Yeah, but what if they're in Manhattan? He should have a butler come get me from off the street to bring me into the car. Should be an Uber black car waiting for us when we step outside. He should have a driver. Anyways, so you only have two points right now. That's bullshit. I answered the question right. Y'all some cheaters.

Kidding. Last question. Last question. Sydney, did you have another question? Yes. Here you go. sex on the first date yes or no for a lady no no sex on the first date why you you said if you're talking about being a lady i don't think it's necessary like why so second date sex i say no

okay so i don't know it depends are you just trying to fuck this dude or are you like trying to like do you like him how long should you wait you like him i if you like him and you want to get to know him and stuff like that, I would say maybe third date. But if you just want to fuck him and you like him and you don't really care, I'm like, do you? But I don't have sex on the first date. This is 2016. I think if you're

a woman and you're holding yours down, you should give it up whenever, wherever. But I don't usually do that with dudes I want to date. But then don't listen to me because I had sex on the first date and then I didn't get a phone call. So don't. You are correct. I made a dude. I mean, I don't think I made him

wait that long, but he was talking about how long it made him wait. I want to say he said three months. I feel like it wasn't three months. That's fucking ridiculous. I don't think it was that long. Marie, you holding out the cat that long? Did you not want to have sex with it? The cat is quite precious. I mean, I was like not pressed for it. I get that the cat is quite precious,

but does the cat have needs? The cat is being pet regularly by its owner, so the cat is doing okay. I learned so much. You are the unofficial expert. Thank you, Carolina. You're great. Thank you. you got that i mean you really didn't but i'm gonna give it to you because i'm a good person

and uh i'm doing it for the community anyways so where can we catch you where are you where can people see you you're always out here you did our show before so yes i have you i have a show called big mouths at over the eight every first friday at 8 p.m i did not know that well sydney does because she's done it before and i also have another show that you did do called blackout and it was so fun yes and it is going to be i think the third friday of every month oh that's right when i did the show i was on edibles and i couldn't finish none of my shows it was your birthday that's i was uh like blackout on edibles okay so what are your what's your social media where can people follow you and find you they can follow and find me on twitter instagram

and Snapchat as Karobina K-A-R-O-B-E-A-N-A-H That's a lot. Karobina H. It's just like my name but like a bean. That's what my dad calls me.

Karobina H. And that's on Twitter and Instagram. Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. Okay, great. That's dope. And you can always catch

me and Marie our monthly show every second Saturday of the month at Karma Lounge on the Lower East Side. It is free.com. Free.

Super free. And we give the best show in new york city um you literally it's that show it's official um and that's at karma lounge every second saturday of every month 7 30 show and your instagram is mine is just sid j-u-s-t-s-y-d-b-w and mine is reesey that's r-3-e-z-y okay so good stay smart everybody thank you for you the listeners of the unofficial expert podcast zip car is offering 25 of free driving credit at zipcar.com so to earn that 25 of free driving credit go to join zipcar.com slash unofficial experts again that's join zipcar.com

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