MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The LESBIAN Expert" with Robin Cloud

Episode Date: February 10, 2017

For this episode of The Unofficial Expert, our host Sydnee & Marie talk with comedian Robin Cloud to give insight on all things Lesbian.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hi guys good morning afternoon or evening uh this is the unofficial expert podcast with sydney and marie uh you know so this is the podcast where everybody thinks they're an expert at something ridiculous or informative and we just pretty much pick their brains and find out if they're really the expert at whatever they're talking about. Marie, what were you an expert in this week? This week I was an expert at looking a mess in public. What? I almost fell several times, but, you know, my core is,

I've been working on it, so my core strength is pretty good. And then after I almost bust my ass on the subway platform and almost died i uh went home and saved everybody in my apartment building's life what that means is i smelled gas and everyone in my apartment was asleep but i was like something is happening in here my roommate went to sleep and let the stove on oh your roommate white that's crazy like what she is crazy because you know i love lighting a candle i could have blown the whole building up and then it would just be the unofficial expert with sydney washington it would just be the unofficial with sydney washington

isn't that crazy that's terrible you need to get one of those um those carbon monoxide alarms or whatever i feel like i have one i gotta get like a canary or a bird or something or maybe you need to put batteries in it there's not enough batteries there's only have like one they're supposed to only have one really or two i don't even know what the i don't have a carbon carbon monoxide detector listen we don't know you know where my building is they don't have nothing well our door barely barely works i don't even know you guys had a doorbell i yeah it doesn't really work i yeah i you know i have burned my apartment down when i was a a kid so and they let you stay there no they didn't they're like you got to go back to new

york oh is that why you got kicked out of oakland california yes really yeah that's what happened wow yeah i started a fire burned half my apartment down and then my cousin right after the fires like he's like you know you didn't fucked up now yeah and they wouldn't let me buy stoves or matches or i couldn't i had to be supervised 24 hours yo that is wow for a couple years too and you know black people never let you like as soon as they would light a match like oh hope sydney's not around like while i was around i'm like okay i got it yeah black people don't let you forget stuff i was like 11 it was an accident why were you playing with fire i mean i played fire too but i never burned anything down well that's because your mother's not a hoarder like my

aunt was a hoarder and there was like newspapers and it was an accident like you lit the match and then you were watching it burn right and then it got too close to your fingers and you were like and you dropped it on a stack of uh what jet magazines i um i was playing with like a fake cigarette and the cigarette was plastic and I lit the plastic cigarette and it melted. It melted into a bag of newspapers from 1987

that my aunt was just having because they had some coupons and whatnot. Well, you never know. A lot of places still take them expired coupons. Exactly. Shout out to Bed Bath & Beyond. I don't care how expired those coupons are. They will take that 20% off for you. Sydney, what

were you an expert in this week? I was an expert in saying no. I said no a lot. People asked me to pick up shifts. I was like, no. People asked me to do stuff. I was like, no. This is my week.

I do what I want. Oh. Yeah, I've been trying to say no more. I feel like, yes, you have been resisting me a little bit more. Don't think that I like it. I was like, who is this new nigga? I never say no to you, so. You say no to me.

You've been saying no to me about stuff, I feel like. What did I say no? I can't think or this is out of my head right now. Exactly. I've been saying no to not my girlfriend. Got to say yes to her. I feel like you've been hitting her with a nah. No.

Maybe later. I still haven't paid December's rent, so I got to say yes. It is February. Second week of February, you haven't paid yet. And I'm still doing, like, installment plans, you know? I'm doing payment plans. I'm doing, like. Do y'all split the rent in half?

when you say half what do you mean i mean divided by two like 50 50 see i work on like a lesbian calculator so half actually means like a quarter so wow okay well i'm gonna find out more about this lesbian calculator because i'm curious because i feel like i've been doing lesbian math my whole life okay okay lesbian math for you is zero zero zero zero you play nothing absolutely you don't believe in half that's is that i'm sorry that's haitian man yes it's not lesbian you don't believe in contributing at all well what are you talking about my presence is the contribution yeah for the kid bitch that's not enough for the rent okay my presence no well if i wasn't here come i'll be like well she's here so then i'll be like y'all oh the landlord

comes to physically pick up the rent? Where do y'all live? 1962? Is there a milkman that passes by and drops off milk too? I have no idea how the rent is handled. All I know is that at Venmo, well, actually, she sends a request for the Venmo payment, and then I pay her.

Well, I decline it, and then I send the price that I think is okay for me at the moment, and then she texts me, and she's like, did you get my Venmo? I'm like, oh, my God. I think I deleted the app. You're so stupid. You're so stupid.

I love you, Adrian. Speaking of loving Adrian, who is a woman with a man's name, we have a woman with a bird's name. Okay, right? That's a bird. With a bird's name today as our expert. She's a writer, a director, a comedian. She's done our show before, and she killed.

Yes, she did. And we don't say that about everybody who does the show, but she truly killed. And she is our lesbian expert today Give it up for Robin Rashida Cloud Oh my goodness Wow See, Marie is disrespectful

Marie RRC I'm proud of the RRC She's so disrespectful Putting out the middle name The whole government The whole government name Now I can like literally take all your information

All I need is your social, Rashida People don't even think Cloud is my last name I don't believe it I was like, that's a stage last name. No, it's really real. It's really real. Hey, Robin. Hey.

Hey. It's so early. It's not new to be here. It is early. And you look stunning. Thank you. I can tell you have like eye cream in your life. You got a good moisturizer.

Girl, I wash my face and then slather myself with coconut oil before I go to sleep. That's good. That's how you keep the light skin right. And it's like I smell like a cupcake. Well, let me get my lesbian ass away from you. Robin, why are you here? You don't work? Because we know why me and Sydney are here.

We work nights. This is why Marie Samuel Fawcett has no friends. Well, yes. But Robin, what do you do during the day? A lot of people wonder that. So right now I'm running my own production company. And so I'm at home working on two documentaries. Oh.

Oh, and writing some scripts. OK, and that sounds like a lot of real estate on the side. Oh, you slinging real estate on the side. So what's your tax return looking like? What's the 1099? Yeah, what it look like? There are a couple. There are a couple of 1099s.

OK, so we get money back. Great. Yeah, we'll see. You're going to get the money back. What's the limit? This is just a quick sidebar. What's the limit? Like how much money do I have to make

In order to not have to file taxes Like what's the minimum I thought it was $12,000 Okay alright I feel like I'm That's your goal for this year No no no I feel like last year On the books I didn't make that much money

Marie's trying to get out of not doing her taxes this year Hashtag Wesley Snipes I think this is the year You know what they just passed That if you owe back taxes $50,000 or more that they'll take your passport away. Okay, well, I don't owe that much.

I don't owe that much. Also, my passport expired in 2019. Wait. Damn. Cindy, you owe... Okay, no, I'm totally dusting $50,000 for sure. You owe tax money like that? Yeah, I do.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not afraid or ashamed. Fuck this country. They not getting my money. Throw me in jail if you have to. Y'all not getting none of my dollars. Listen, if you're listening to this Orange Trump, we need an orange expert um so you know come through uh yeah we need somebody like a tax

uh expert so also he evaded taxes for 20 years so he's a white man expert he's a white man so he can get away i'm just need a white man expert because we had a white man he was from he was from connecticut he was super he went to salisbury salisbury salisbury oh yeah wait are you from connecticut i'm from connecticut so how does the state okay so let's talk about your background your parents yeah born and raised in connecticut no my my dad was um my mom's from philly okay and my parents met at howard when my mom was a freshman and my dad was a junior he transferred there from the university of arizona that sounds like a that sounds like a movie or a show really didn't spike lee do something like that school days he did do school days yeah he did yeah

she don't know about your dad is from arizona no he's from connecticut but he he originally wanted to be a professional golfer so your dad is super white my dad is black oh okay so your mother's white my mom is black okay okay so how did you get so light robin yeah robin what happened uh what happened you got indian in your family i don't have indian are you my genetic testing is not indian i think i have some relatives that might have that line but i don't um i have some white ancestors like you know great but several of my great grandparents are half black okay oh they had history white daddies you know those white daddies wow but then you ended up in connecticut yeah so my parents graduated and then moved from dc to connecticut went back to where

my dad's hometown okay and then uh yeah like we grew up there my family still lives there i'm the only one that left actually i'm glad you made it out i really am i'm so glad that you're here in new york city doing wonderful things thank you uh doing super gay things yeah you got shoulder you got uh elbow patches on your shirt now don't let marie say anything about anything that she because her shoulders are very broad so no no but we're not she has the elbow patches not the shoulder elbow what's happening right now i don't know we i'm just talking about your outfit i tried to be as um gay as possible today i know i see you had on a work boot yep my god they are not merrills though they're not merrills at all not merrill you were there for the show the merrills

at home yeah do you have a respect um i do not currently have merrills but i have had a pair or two i'm here for a merrill i mean it is a white man timberland boot and i feel like yo they are so comfortable though there's i heard they're comfortable they don't look comfortable they're hideous they make me uncomfortable yeah they're yeah there was a time in the early 2000s where i did might have warned them to work so robin how long have you been a lesbian um since i came out of my mother's womb all your life all my life i've been fighting um yeah i think when i was like nine you knew i would i didn't know what a lesbian was okay i didn't know the word but i definitely was like i don't like boys and then around 12 i realized what a lesbian was and then i was like

oh that's me 12 y'all teaching y'all teaching the kids early my mom gave me this book called girls and sex and they had a whole chapter chapter five okay called lesbianism wow i read it and i was like oh i didn't get that my see my great aunt raised me and like there was one kid that had a mom with a really short haircut and my aunt called her a bull dyke and i didn't know what that was and they had a sleepover and she's like no you can't spend the night at that bull dyke and i was like what is a bull dyke i said that does not say is that a character or like you actually ask her i asked and she didn't tell me but she's like you don't need to know nothing about your business you're not going you're not never going over there yeah and if they give you

a sandwich throw it out like damn yeah no tuna no no tuna so you were nine and you like what nine-year-old likes boys i feel like when you're when you're nine i don't know i mean it was just a feeling like i i could see the girls in my class were you know operating differently and i was like not about that life i made out with my uh my uh next door neighbor who was a girl and she was a little bit older and i was like you know girls are not bad sydney you're giving alternative facts right now sydney was like seven and her neighbor was like 15 oh don't listen to her you're gonna be like the child abuse it was a lord order svu episode no it was not shut up marie she's always consent it was i was okay with it can yeah but can a seven-year-old give consent i wasn't seven

I was like 11 and she was 17 she was she was 21 she had a mortgage she had like her own own house I said as long as you're not sleeping on your mother's couch I'm fine with it no it was how old was she she was like four four or five years older than me all right she was 45 you made out with her I made out with her in a garage behind a car and what did that and tail exactly just like a little kiss a little make out like tongue no over the um no second base no over the door of the explorer no sweater action no i did not touch her you know private area i mean i touched her titties but you did yeah really at 11 you so fast so fast so fast for a long time wait when did you touch titties robin oh my god when was your first kiss like my first kiss i was

16 years old. Okay. And I dated the captain of the basketball team. And that was a woman. She was the only other lesbian. Okay. Yes, the only other lesbian in my high school. And she took me to the Hartford Public Library where we would study. I used to tell my mom I was

studying. And she would meet me there. And then we were up in the German literature section one day. Yeah, because nobody ever was up there. She like lifted me up, put me on the windowsill and laid it on me. Whoa. I promise. did you lose it i lost it robin that's like like a lifetime channel like when they have it was

amazing listen that's like high school romance right there harlequin yeah it was pretty good did you lose your virginity in the library i didn't but i lost my virginity in my best friend's grandmother's apartment okay that's everybody everybody was visiting she was away in puerto rico okay oh you lost it in the puerto rican abuela's house like on her shag carpet on the carpet robin on the floor you could get no bed on her bedroom i didn't want to have sex in her bed listen i would rather well and then like statues of jesus everywhere and yeah candles of like virgins and saints and stuff yeah it was crazy man you're going straight to hell listen if i'm gonna lose my virginity i need to have some good support on my back your lombard yeah i can't have

the hard-ass floor with a terrible-ass rug. It was a thick shag carpet. What does it mean when a lesbian loses their virginity? What is that? What y'all be doing? Yeah, because people say scissoring and I hate that term. It's so old and dated.

You can't really get off on that. I mean, at least I can. I don't know. Maybe some people do. Who is scissoring, though? Not me. I feel like both the people on the couch, though. Scissor. Shut up. Marie is sitting on the opposite side of the room she's like i don't want that she's very haitian i don't want any of that gay on me

like a haitian grandma yes she is and i have time to do laundry i don't want any of that gay on me i'm like so why are y'all sinners here she's like throwing uh holy water at us i know i want to look at you guys so yep so so what is that first yeah i mean it was some finger popping and she went down on me. Wow, at 16?

See, I hadn't had nobody go down on me for a minute. I had to be kind of grown when it happened. What's kind of grown, Sydney? Because you know, you lost your you kissed somebody for the first time at 6. So kind of grown for you is 13? I don't know, like 18? 18? Well, I mean...

You know, black dudes was not trying to go down on women at the time. It wasn't hip. It was not hip. They weren't down with that. So I had to wait until I got a secure black man to be like, yes, I go down on women. It's okay. What is that?

It's so odd. I don't know. Don't they understand how the clit works? No. Most men don't, though. They really don't. They're missing out. That's why you should do a class, Robin.

Yes. All about clits. All about clits. A clit class. A clit class with Robin Rashida Cloud. I'll go to that class at the Annex. I'm down. All right.

i mean can you guys give us any information about the clit that most people don't know well i think the clit has more nerves in it than the penis the entire penis it's like thousands and thousands and thousands of nerves i went to devry for lesbians so i don't know everything um i'm just gonna piggyback off you robin so whatever you say i'm like yes i've heard that thousands and thousands of nerves thousands thousands of nerves and i think that like most women don't have orgasms without some sort of clitoral stimulation right that's that's factual and actual um so robin when you are hooking up with women do you look them in the eyes like how is it intense what do you mean i look them in the eyes yeah because when i used

to have sex with men it was very like closing my eyes the lights were off like music was playing She did not want to be there. Because you were like, how dark can it be for this fantasy to be real in my mind? Yes, it was, like, I feel like lesbians are very, like, open. Yeah, it's very emotional. There's a candle burning. Incense. There's lavender oil on the pillowcase.

I mean, sometimes. Yeah. Usually in the beginning. That's what it's like. It's like, we're romantic. Wait, after, like, three years, what happens? And it's like, oh, let's have, like, a little mutual masturbation session. Okay, okay.

so that's what i'm looking forward to adrian you hear that we'll just we're just gonna be in the same room taking care of each other yeah mutual mess so how do you how did you come out to your do people know like when you came out where people are like yeah yes yes did you always have that haircut or no i had oh my god in high school i had long like blowout black barbie hair okay really yes so it was for the trickery i was femme then you know i wore lipstick every day and all the West Indian girls would call me a vamp and they hated me because I was a dyke, you know, and they knew that you were gay, even though you weren't like, you know, the eye rolls were epic.

Yes. Like that. Oh my God. I'm going to have like PTSD. Wait, so you, so you were out, you always. Yeah, I was out. Um, I mean, I told my mom like in around Christmas time, we were in the kitchen and Word while she's making gingerbread cookies.

How dare you Robin? like they were polling people like who do you want to kiss under the mistletoe and she was like who do you want to kiss under the mistletoe and i was like jodie foster and she said jodie foster's a woman jodie foster yeah that was your like iconic woman gay kind of person that i knew like a gay celebrity that's it so you were only attracted to people who you thought were gay i mean cara too but she wasn't i feel like grace jones wasn't gay but she could be somebody you could make out with that's not your thing that's a no from robin rashida club i mean she's beautiful wait what's the i'm looking up jodie foster right now because i'm like

am i thinking of the right person yeah jodie looks uh she's old now because i feel like maybe i'm thinking of meg ryan i think you are because i can get them confused as well jodie foster is not hot she's not jodie foster's real name is alicia alicia but you know my 16 desperate lesbian self you know she was my only like the only lesbian celebrity that i knew even though she wasn't out like we all knew she was gay so then my mom was like she's a woman i said yeah i know i'm gay oh wait how old were you 16 16 so you did all this at 16 so you had a that was a big dumb like i don't think i would if i could go back in time i would not have come out while i was still living at home because my mom flipped out oh of course what happened she didn't give

you no gifts you can't be gay under somebody else's roof it just doesn't work like that unless your parents are cool but she was not what she did not cool what she said she was like wait till your father comes home you know at least you had a father like my my like great i'll wait till your great uncles come here uh you know from dialysis my mom was in uh new york oh yeah i lived in oakland california until i was 13 um and then i moved back here and then my mom i mean i pretty much was doing whatever i wanted right which was nothing so all right yeah i'm sorry i brought it down with my yeah you did with your with your no love your loveless home i had love how dare you start in the black annie listen i had two i had two pillows on my bed it's a hard

knock like shut up your your bed was a futon it was a pullout it was a pullout it was definitely a pullout couch with two couch cushions on it so your dad gets home so my dad gets home and he's like your mother tells me that you know you think you're gay and he's like how do you know you're gay if you haven't slept with a man oh wait so yeah okay so your dad's solution was to pimp you out yeah i was trying to throw me dick for sure he's like have you had have you slept with a man he said try it out first and then come back to me yeah do some research your dad was like you don't like hot italian sausage you're like eggplant no nothing no kielbasa nothing i said how do you know you're straight if you haven't slept with a man

robin you had the flip lip huh yeah i did you had your own room clearly you wasn't sleeping no i had my own room it was all the way down the hall too like you were in like were you in the guest room like what did he backhand your light-skinned ass no he said good point good point see y'all was real comfortable family that like had real discussion and conversation there was no conversation my dad is very chill very he's like the humanitarian personality he loves everybody okay he smokes a lot of weed got it your family sounds like a full house house like not she's the complete opposite like super strict like spanked the shit out of me and my brothers you know she was the disciplinarian she was not having it your family sounds like the full house

house like y'all would have conversations and then the hug after they disciplined you no not really no my family believes in talking at you i mean we were happy but not there was no talking back there would be like you gay and then you have to get out my dad like promoted like dialogue and discussion i wouldn't have said that to my mother oh okay you know so you know but i knew like when you come in to talk to him it's like he's you know was your dad like a professor or something or he was a lawyer you see he sounds like dr cosby yeah so like you know like in elementary school he'd be like if i got punished he'd be like why did you make such a poor choice today poor choice and i'd be like i don't know i got distracted by anthony you know and he'd be

like try better next time did that work did that make you feel i feel worse yeah because it was like the calm disappointment listen you ever got beat with like a tray table that's like that was definitely the solution at the robinson's house so word they ever break a broom over your though don't don't get it twisted you should bring my mom on the expert is spanking your ass well so you were really comfortable with your dad you guys came out and then i mean you came out and then what happened after that like did you have to move out no i didn't have to move out was it awkward but it was it was it was difficult because right after i came out i had a girlfriend so then so you didn't give them no time i launched into like i'm a dyke and fuck you robin no chill

rashida jones cloud you were hanging out with those white feminists that's what was going on they were telling you to live your life do it fuck your parents they don't know you they don't know what you want your struggle earn your bras and buy some marils yeah wait so i can't so what happened you brought the girlfriend to the house after that like no god no no we met in secret for our entire dating time my mom knew i was seeing her and she would try to stop me from seeing her like she would be like oh you're going to a party is adria gonna be there and her name was adrian adria adria which is basically adrian okay right and so i'd be like yeah she goes well you're not going you know like that kind of stuff oh you were too honest yeah you were i was i was very honest

and then i learned to be like a liar she was like oh robin you you gotta go to a party i need you to wash all these clothes right now like it's 12 loads exactly you're gonna be here for the whole Or show up at my high school to, like, pick me up so I couldn't walk anywhere, be, you know, be free. And do gay stuff. I get it. Or people would call, like, their friends would call the house and tell, like, one time I was holding my girlfriend's hand in the park. And somebody ratted me out, like, one of their friends and called the house and said that they saw me. They had your number like that?

Yeah, man. They were clocking me. It was horrible. You see, that was the thing that I was always afraid of when I was in high school is when I'd be out, someone would drive by and see me. They will, they will. And when Marie says out, she means like outside, not out. Right, like just walking. I mean, in gay language is out.

I mean, outside. Are you from Brooklyn? You grew up in Brooklyn? I grew up, damn Robin, I don't need everybody on the podcast in my business. I'm from New York and I grew up in these streets here that we're in right now. She means Long Island, so she had a backyard. Sydney, I will backhand you with this microphone. Oh, so you're bougie too.

She's very bougie. I'm not bougie. i'm just west indian and what that means is like superior there's a lot of people driving around yes that means better black than everybody in the room and so yeah everybody had all my parents friends have cars so like i just i would always assume that someone was gonna drive by and be like marie marie why are you not in school because i used to have all of my friends were a year or two older than me right so i would cut when they cut like when they had their senior cut day i had like three senior cut days oh my god i left for like three primes well i mean but my gpa was really

high but i just that was the move right i was still making making good grades i sound old as hell i was still making good marks but every time i'd be out you had to right i mean your parents are haitian yeah i mean all the only thing that matters to them was school and church so are they upset that you're not like a doctor uh probably they're probably mad that i'm not an engineer that also practices medicine you know listen you're doing things they love you marie md they mad if you were marie md we wouldn't be friends you might play a doctor on tv i might play like a nurse on tv i guess he was a doctor he'd be like on grace you'll be He would be operating, and you were like, well, he's dead.

He's dead. Deadbody's in the hallway. Just wheel him out. Just roll the body out. Yeah, so that's what I was afraid of. But people were actually catching you out with your girlfriend and snitching on you. Yeah, and I was innocently, I mean, I wasn't even doing anything. I was literally holding her hand, walking through a park.

Meanwhile, when I was your age, I was in the park, possibly giving hand jobs. Hand jobs, not blowjobs. Sydney was sitting on it and bouncing up and down. Well. Possibly giving really dry handjobs. No lotion, no carry, no Luberderm. No Queen Helene. Just giving the worst of the worst handjob in a park.

And I was not giving any dams. I was like, nobody gonna see me. You were doing this in the middle of the day? You were doing this at night? What do you think, Marie? I feel like you were doing it in the middle of the day. Like 3 p.m. Oh, shut up.

Yeah, like a cool 306. Yep, yep. It was like around 9 o'clock. There was, I think it was really dark at that time. This is in Oakland? No, this was in New York. Oh, but everybody was giving a dry-ass hand job in Harlem. Yeah, there was like a couple, two other couples next to me doing the same thing.

Like, excuse me, pass the lotion. I'm sorry, are you done with this lotion? Can we grab this cocoa butter from you? So you came out. Yeah. You said, fuck that. Do you have siblings? I do.

I have two older brothers that are twins. Are they both straight? No, they're gay. I mean, they're straight. Oh, I was like, damn. That was wishful thinking. Sorry, guys. Three strikes, your parents.

No, they're straight. So how did they feel? Did they know that you were gay? Yeah, by the time I told them, which was like a year. No, I told them in college. And they were like, yeah, mom told us last year. Damn, mom, she got a big ass mouth. You know, black women can't keep secrets.

Exactly. So your brother, were they okay with it? They were totally fine. We were, like, smoking a J, and it was, like, not a big deal. They're also dudes. I feel like dudes are okay with, like, women being gay. Yeah, because then they were like, oh, okay, now we're going to treat you like our little brother and talk about women.

And then, like, and then you're going to bring hoes to the house, so it's great. Like, and they're going to try to take your hoes away from you, because that's guys. Yeah. Cindy, do you have a coming out story? Did you come out to your family, or you just... Listen, this is what happened. So, you know, I had that neighbor that I made out with, and then, you know, I got in my 20s and I was like you know what I'm just gonna do this and just hook up with girls and I have

my own place so when you have your own place you could be as gay as you want yeah so I have my own apartment I didn't have a roommate I was uh going to really bad gay parties because I was just like starting were you here yeah I was in New York I went to this place called Colors it was awful like there was like sumo wrestlers it was jello shots it was like rough ass like people who've been gay all their lives not you robin but just others that weren't as attractive like people with shave-ups and like who don't wear bras and wear like two wife beaters yeah those types so i was hooking up with them and then it was a lot of drugs involved so it's fine and then so it's fine so nobody knew about this until later on which is like recent with my girlfriend now

adrian i was proud to be with her so i brought her out and uh i put it on facebook and i just kept putting like the lesbian emojis on it on pictures of us and then finally my niece was like asking around and then she told my mom and then my mom thought that it was her that i was gay with but she was like you and your best friend look really nice together so then eventually my mother caught on that it was not her that like i did have a real girlfriend right and she's like well what did i do wrong i was like well you didn't raise me half my life so oh damn if you want to be it's your fault no word robin whose fault is it that you get if that's sydney's logic no but i just feel like when you hit a certain age it doesn't matter if you're gay i feel like

it matters when you're young but like as soon as you hit like i don't know 28 they don't care 28 28? Sydney, damn. I mean, my brother, everyone thinks that my brother is gay and he's like almost 50. And he has never said anything about being gay. I have one of those. So, I mean, you can do this

hiding thing for a long time if you want. I mean, everybody knows, but. Yeah, but hiding doesn't, you're not happy when you're hiding. Yeah. I have an aunt, she's older than 50. She's my dad, she's the baby on my dad's side. And she's mad rough and she ain't got no man and has never had a man in the entire 25 years that i've been alive

and she um yes 25 and she and she um was at the house a couple years ago and you know me and my sister were being idiots and we were like well tati why aren't you married why are you still single why you still live with your sister because they look they're like two old maids And she didn't respond But her sister My other aunt was like She's afraid of men And I was like

Ooh So she gay No But you could be afraid Because men are frightening At times Word Men are frightening

She gay though She mad gay She gay So y'all just gonna Hit her with the gay She gay She gay and Haitian She's

Yeah Yeah That's what it is She didn't respond She just was like Huh She's old school And she had like

The beard hair Sticking out And she was like shut up you're so yo i hope your aunt fuck you up after this podcast i mean she's waiting outside for you at the door at the maybe she'll listen to this and come out come see me outside then how about that catch me outside catch me outside so robin have you ever been you're not afraid of men though no have you ever seen a dude and you're like oh he's cute i wonder what of course i slept with two guys oh how was that how you gonna bury the lead robin how you gonna wait half an hour to

say that you slept with two guys how did that happen well it was like post-lesbian it was a post like lesbian breakup oh you're like it's so bad i just gotta go get some dick the breakup so bad you're like you know what let me just be straight for a little bit i don't even know the logic behind why i did those things except for that i was like 27 and i was like let me just sleep with a dude let's just say you were like you were i'm like the opposite okay wait you were fucking at 27 like a dude like that's a long time it was like one summer i slept with two different dudes in a time all together total time with both of them would have been like no lie

15 minutes oh i believe it do you think you knew you were you were what you were doing or like did he know what he was doing or no i mean they're still my friends so i don't want to put them on blast where you bang two friends you gotta keep it in a family i get it i get it wait but i will say it wasn't it wasn't my jam see i wouldn't want to hook up with a friend because then i would have to see them and every time i would see them i'm like i'm i can just think of your terrible dick and we gotta talk was the dick terrible or was it just not what you wanted because it wasn't what you wanted because you're not getting you're not straight wasn't the dick wasn't terrible he actually had a very big dick but that doesn't matter no like maybe there's horrible and i was

like if you you gotta lead with that because that's my jam as a lesbian and i just was like i was like oh my god are you gonna take it off like what the fuck is happening down there was his sheets clean at least yeah yeah he had a nice apartment at least right because i didn't want you to do no straight shit and no like hood rat no no no dusty ass apartment they were super sweet and then the other where the curtains were like falling off and stuff i don't know i'm sorry you gotta be really confident in your oral game in your mouth game to go down on a lesbian as the first dude that she's sleeping with maybe he was really stressed out i know it sounds like he was confident because he was like yeah i'm just he was like oh wait everybody needs

to see that moment that the face that robin just made of him like going down on her and it felt like a weed whacker spinning oh it was not comfortable it's i'm uncomfortable did he at least brush his tongue because that is really important you know i don't know yeah but how do you bring that up you just were like hey someone so broke up with me it was hilarious actually were you drunk no no you were sober i was sober wow robin you really are doing things the opposite than me. I know. Because... Yeah, you're so upfront and honest. Yeah. We're like parallel lives. Definitely.

Bizarro version. I had to be real drunk. Jello shots were definitely involved in every occasion. Were you possibly a dude? Possibly a perk. No, I had a perk set when I hooked up with the third girl. Damn. Yeah, we had perk sets and

Patron. That shit makes you so sleepy and woozy. Nah. Cindy likes that drowsy sex. No, it was definitely not. I was up and I was like, woo! And I was in a cab. it was crazy you were hooked you hooked up with her in a cab yeah we were in the germs i couldn't well that's why it was disgusting yeah so that's why and she was white so she didn't know you know she don't care did we have a sex on horses and whatnot shut up did we have it in barn barnyards and whatnot oh my god i did have sex in a hay barn oh how dare you was it with somebody named

sally no she was black the rashida part of you was not down with the barn but the robin i guess was the robin part was yeah so what is your type like what kind of women are you attracted to um hmm uh robin i've i've seen photos so i'm gonna say white white is your type uh back you were back to back white back to back robin you hit me with the like you don't know what it is but just say nobody in this room that is not true that is not true you guys are 50 shades too dark for me shut up i've dated a black girl i've dated you sound like her brother her brother was like a korean girl korean you made it to korea but you only made it to africa one time

how long were you with the black girl yeah three and a half years that's a long time together And what happened? We moved up together. We moved here to... What did she do, like, for work? No, like... What did she do to mess it up? Yeah, she fucked it up for us.

Bro, we don't care about her Wikipedia page. Just give us the break. We don't care about her resume. I will say that we just did not get along. But you were together for three and a half years. Yeah, towards the end. Marie, you know about that. Marie, you know about that life.

Three years. How about that? Catch me out. We were different spaces. So wait, you only had one black girl? You see that pause? That's a yes. One black girl, Robin.

You tried to dig twice, but you wouldn't have... One of the guys was black. One of the guys was black. You tried to dig twice, but you only tried a black woman one time. Robin, you got a lot of nerve. Rashida Gabbin. This is horrible. Robin, we're going to rename you Robin.

Y'all get back at me. We gonna rename you something else Rashida get out Rashida Jones Had I met you like you know a couple years ago No you would have been like You would have liked Sydney cause you'd be like she on perks Yeah you would have been like she's a mess

And you know she don't wash her sheets enough You would have came to my apartment She said that's true You would have came to my apartment and be like I would have burned all your wigs That's right Robin was the first one to be like Yes please get rid of that Get rid of that heathen hair

get rid of that that fake stuff and i was like i also have fake titties wait robin so you like natural you like natural hair but not really you know what we're gonna let you have it so what's your like what's your what is your type like what's your ideal who's your celebrity crush now because it's not jodie foster rihanna oh okay that's okay work work work with rihanna yeah she seemed fluid she's so fine She's very fluid. She's hooked up with her best friend, Melissa, I'm sure. I mean, you know, Melissa's got trying to get these bills paid.

Okay, because Melissa does not work. So she probably work, work, work on Rihanna. Melissa is her photographer. Oh, really? Quote, unquote. No, Melissa's just her best friend. She's her best friend, but she'd be taking pictures of her like on the road. You know what I mean?

Yeah, well, that's what, listen. You give your friends fake jobs. When you have an entourage, you give them fake ass jobs. Melissa be holding all the drugs and rolling all the weed. That's what Melissa do. So, your type, do they have to have money? Do they need to be tall? Do they need to have, like, all their limbs?

All their limbs would be good. Have you ever had a wheelchair-ass lesbian? No, I have not. Damn, Robin. Do lesbians come in wheelchairs? Yes. I've never seen that edition. No, I like women that are shorter than me.

And how tall are you? I'm 5'8". Okay. So, you know. but you dated the captain of the basketball team that's true but i was young then i was a femme so it was fine okay so you're not a femme anymore not no how do you see her look i mean i did see the elbow pads in the boots but like how do you switch from femme to whatever the opposite yeah how do you do that uh asking for a friend asking for a friend well i think like in the early 90s

2000s i was sort of just like uh somewhere in between like fudge so you know like were you Khadijah in Living Single where she would have like the blazers and the hair. Yeah, but then like titties out a little bit. Yeah, titties out. Still had the titties out. Because I had huge boobs. I got a breast reduction. You did? So I had huge boobs.

What size were your boobs? Like G. Get out. Yeah. Robin, I can't picture you with some big ass titties. I know. What size are your boobs now? D. You be hiding them, Robin? I mean, she got the button up button all the way to the neck. You don't want to like let anybody know what's going on.

they're surprised that's the best part when i have sex with somebody i take my oh my god wait let's talk about this breast reduction when did that happen how old were you when you were like that was like uh five years ago five six years ago robin you got money because breast reduction i had a job that they covered it yeah because what kind of job is that well you go and it was like you go to this chiropractor and then he says you're like you got it back and then they file it and okay so it was for back pain shout out to all the people listening who got insurance uh or a flex spending account shout out so i didn't have to pay anything but it was expensive it's like thirty thousand dollar surgery oh yeah no i know i'm well not like i know because

i have heavy ass t's but i know what size are you now i'm uh 32 double d oh damn look at robin's face she don't believe you she's like you're a d it's a surprise you know i'm the same as you When I take my shirt off It's like oh my god They're like all high and shit They going down the road It's been like a couple years now Listen I have payment plan titties

So when you don't Pay them in full they don't put them in As nicely The nipple is all hanging off There's a couple band-aids underneath it That is so stupid Adrienne loves them Thank you boo

You're saying thank you like she paid for them. I know, I had to pay. They were here before she got here. I had to steal a lot of money from work to get them paid for twice. Wait, what were we talking about? I feel like we were on something good and then we went off on a tangent about Sidney's nipples. Lesbians in wheelchairs, we talked about that. We were talking about your type.

The type that you're attracted to. Oh, yeah. So, short. Artistic, smart, funny. Gotta have a good sense of humor. No, I was... All those things come in black, Robin. They sure do.

They come in black. They come in dark brown. And I just never met anybody who was black and shorter than you and artistic and had a sense of humor. Robin, I'm sitting directly across from you. And if you liked pussy, I'd be down, but you don't. Robin, I am nobody's plan B. You're not my child. I'm young enough to be your child.

Listen, where is nobody's plan B? Where were you 10 years ago? i was in high school she wasn't she wasn't alive when i was out on the hunt she wasn't well didn't didn't you have a joke about dating younger younger women yeah my girlfriend right now is younger how how much she's 27 that's like marie's age right yeah she was 26 when we met wow robin you really you just scooped where did you guys meet at starbucks you guys are gonna love this she was working at starbucks and uh we met at an ivy league lesbian mixer oh sydney why don't you you don't be getting invited to those things

no you know where i'm at my girl central park boo-boo that's right at summer super yes super gay so i think mine was a great story mine's is a step above yours you're just gayer but hers is nicer yeah it is no it's it's good summer stage is great it is it was an ivy league lesbian mix So how many lesbians will be at one of these parties? There were like 30, 40 people there. And you had on your lesbian best? I had on my lesbian best, you know, button down, bow tie. How did you, did you go up to her?

No, I was like recently, because, you know, I was married and got divorced. So I was like, thank you. Freedom Papers came through. So after a year, I was like, okay, I'm going to go back out on the market, see what's happening. i wasn't really anxious and i'd been single very long i was just sort of like let me go i went with a ton of my friends who were all single and you know just for a good time whatever robin what's your game like though i want to know yeah how you approaching these lesbians i didn't approach her

she said i don't have to oh she approached me she was like looking at me from across the room like real like and i was like oh shit i was like scared actually i was like damn this girl's looking at me real hard robin you have like a gap in between your teeth and i think that's really sexy i think that was really meant for marie faustin but thank you hit it to me to hit it to her um pow pow and so then she like after a little while she came up started talking to my friends we're like a group of six she did the ignore her but talk to her friend move and then i tried to hook her up with my best friend who's been single for a while and then she got her number and then my friend walked away and she's like i came over to talk to you and i was like right there oh shit

and then and then you started how old are you you asked her how old yeah because she looks really young and she was like i'm 26 and i was like it was nice meeting you and i walked away yeah but you know what that makes somebody want you even more because they're like oh did you just shut me down bitch yeah she did she's like you were so rude and she probably was singing that was so rude uh i'm staying in room 12 12 12 i'm staying in room 112 yeah what is this robin so how did you do the follow-up because you shut her down that night like she kept coming back i would like walk away and then she would come back and she did that a couple times and then finally my friend was like oh we're all going out to dinner and she invited her to

come with us to dinner like some l words i feel like there was an episode in l word this is a page right from the l word season three to her and after like dinner i was like oh she's cool shit and so i slipped her my phone with the open contact but with your hand out with your good hand you showed her your good hand your your your moisturized hand the real manicured hand that you were like i'm ready i just long fingered hand and she was like and then we went on a date like that saturday where did you go what is a typical lesbian date this was not typical lesbian date but i had gone okay so i had been talking to this girl in philly a black woman and okay and you were asking her for directions yeah you're like where's the good where's the good food here in

philly where can i take my uh white counterpart out where can i bring my white princess out that has live music in philly is jill scott performing anywhere this weekend is a balal there can i get or music soul child is even robin you're not fooling us you ain't fooling us oh my god okay continue so i had gone down to philly because i've been talking to her and so we had our first date and we were all day together and it was cool and i was like oh she's cool and then like i went to her her room and to her apartment she lived in this weird like half the size of this room like spartan spartan y'all like ikea like the basic pine bed she's 26 no no no she was 30 something oh oh the black girl the black girl oh that's why

oh see you know uh the plight of a black woman we good things be happening why are you putting this queen's business out on the radio to the hotep hour y'all need to stop so the ikea bed is what you said that was a turnoff she told me she went to bible study and i was like yeah but listen my boner fell listen bible studies they be the biggest freaks they be pulling out all types of toys i don't know i bailed okay left i bailed on the bible study okay so then all this all that to say so then i drove back to brooklyn and i went to first saturdays and then we texted and i was like oh come to park slope whatever so we grabbed i don't drink but i see you trying to gentrify park slope i see what you did i'm slowly taking park slope

back i see what you're doing robin so y'all just grabbed a drink yeah we chatted for like two hours okay but what about the date after that you take somewhere nice to a play and we went out to dinner our play is very gay okay she's a theater director so was it tay diggs there at the play Was it Kinky Boots? It was a play. Did he have a terrible hat on, Taye Diggs? I can't. Taye Diggs stay in a terrible hat.

Yeah, he does. And a white woman on his arm. Taye, my son is not black, Diggs. Aw. Taye Rashida Diggs. No, shut up. He's single now. I know.

And he will always be. And he out on the prowl. he probably asking that black lady uh where can he take his rebecca out on the town so you said you wouldn't you don't date you've never dated a non-black person okay let's let me absolutely know what we're saying well let me tell you the truth though the white women is what broke me open to the lesbian oh i actually adrian is the first black woman oh motherfucking that i dated i dated a white man for three years we've seen the errors of our ways we just like to give people a hard time you know even though

we live in lives listen i dated this white man and i honestly truly think that white men are the scariest people in the world i could not date a white man i would be thinking about like His white dick Raping me I don't know No I wasn't thinking About his white dick Raping me

I was thinking about His white hands Killing me And I was like Stenny we got into a fight Just the address I texted her a couple times I'm going to sleep

I said girl You need me to come through I got the Uber X Out here waiting for you I be like If I wake up dead tomorrow He did it Seriously

Yeah I mean white men are scary Okay wait You know why Because Marie be testing people She's a tester You are very She steps the line

I'm a provocateur She is Provocateur She'll talk shit in somebody else's house that she's not even paying any type of rent, not buying any type of groceries, not even cooking for the man, and not even

giving head on top of that, bitch, I'll kill you. Like, I wanted to kill her for him. But I was like, then I need her, you know, for the S&M. Okay, so Robin, we're gonna do a little quick quiz because obviously we were having way too much fun and we gotta get in and out. So we're gonna do

three questions to prove if you are an official lesbian expert okay okay marie boom first one can you name three celebrities who you think are lesbians and everybody is pretty sure is gay but they're not out yes you better you have to name one of them like one of them where it's very we're very particular about this one yes go ahead and give us three names of people boom one this um um penelope cruz oh intel i got intel on that um and she's legendary like you should know she just came out with a new song

she always got like a haircut covering her eyes yeah no oh missy elliott oh missy elliott very gay we also would have accepted hillary clinton from suits be mad gay at jada pinkett we also would have taken that oh jada but i think she's open she's open about they're She's bi, probably. Yeah, she's definitely bi. Sydney? Strap-on or vibrator? Both.

What? Both? I feel like strap-ons are weird for me. Maybe I'm not gay enough. I love my dick. Yeah? Love it. You at a door right now?

Hey. Do you carry it with you? Just put it in a backpack? I have traveled all over the world with my dick. I went to Miami with a double-sided dildo. And TSA was giving me a lot of problems Oh yeah definitely There's always that moment after the x-ray machine

Double sided dildo Did you really enjoy that though? Because I used that once and did not I did it on the shower and I slipped It was messy I did it with a Brazilian chick You know they out there having too much fun I was coming down from a lot of molly

It was just Sydney it's not like you've never been sober a day in your life And that's why I'm sober now bitch Sydney do you have another question? Um, how many years does it take to officially become a lesbian? Hmm. And then how many girls do you need to be with? I would say a good two years of pussy eating.

Ooh. Just only pussy eating? No, no. But like pussy eating, like being in a relationship. Okay. So being at somebody else's house, paying rent on a regular. No, you don't have to live with them. Okay.

Cause I feel like living. Dating somebody at least two years. Like for real, for real. and then how many women minimum five minimum five so you can't just be with one woman and live with her for five years find one so minimum five women in order to be a lesbian but how many black women do you need to be with in order to like black women yes here's my last question for you is can you name uh two wnba players because i can't name none uh that are playing right now shemika holesclaw oh uh they're playing right now i'm britney griner okay and then we're just gonna

take shemika because i don't know nobody else i think i would also have taken a uh leslie leslo let cheryl swoops she's gay as hell oh i mean i feel like they're all how many people in the w nba do you think are gay probably all of them 99.85 of the players okay that's lower than i would have guessed but okay i don't know i'll give you that robin you've been fantastic we've had so much fun with you where can we catch you what are you doing um so my film out again is coming out in the spring of 2017 and uh yeah you can catch me robin cloud comedy.com and catch me outside how about that what's your uh instagram robin cloud comedy and twitter robin r cloud okay r for the rashida shout out to all the rashidas listening to this right now all the rashidas and

all you can catch me you can catch me at reese r-e-e-e-z-y and catch sydney at uh just sid bw So that's J-U-S-T-S-Y-D-B-W. And please subscribe. Also, get on our Instagram at The Unofficial Expert. Absolutely. And come see us if you're in New York the second Saturday of every month at Karma Lounge. 8 p.m. show. It's bomb.

It's free. We got light-skinned lesbians who don't like black women who perform pretty regularly. Oh, my God. I love black women. Don't listen to these fools. I feel like we're going to leave it right there. Yeah, we love you, Robin. Thank you.

Thank you. Bye. We'll be right back.