MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Living With Your Mom Expert" with Lawrence Deloach

Episode Date: January 27, 2017

For this newest episode Sydnee & Marie talk with guest Lawrence Deloach on how to be an expert in living with your mother. Be sure to subscribe and follow Unofficial ----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plusExpert on Instagram.----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For you, the listeners of Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. To earn $25 of free driving credit, go to JoinZipcar.com slash Unofficial Experts. Again, that's JoinZipcar.com slash Unofficial Experts to earn free driving credit. Hello. What up, everybody listening right now? Oh my God, it's Sydney Washington. And this is her friend Marie. can i get like a middle name no people don't need to know all of my business sydney elizabeth

washington i need for people to relax listen this is the unofficial expert okay and this week i was an expert at buying stuff at the store wearing it out and then bringing it back with the tags not ripped okay full refund on my card boom how'd you do that what do you mean how did i do that like you take the card you don't have to take a tag off without ripping it off like bend the little plastic thing that it's on and then like slide it out of the hole oh you so sticky fingers ass you're so good listen i just you know sometimes i just need a like a loan from zara you know what i mean i need to like borrow it from h&m yo i would be so afraid because me i would get a fucking stain on it it would smell like something

some kind of weird smell from like a hibachi like i wouldn't even i couldn't bring that if it's gonna smell if you wear it somewhere and it smells you gotta like let it air out for like a couple days yeah like put it on a hanger and like hang it somewhere but i feel like you don't be hanging stuff i feel like you just be draping stuff on the couch and you got them cats at your house you know what i mean i'm you're looking at me like that but i feel like you seem like the type of person who like takes something off and like throws it on the couch and forgets about it for like several days but i've been hanging up all my stuff you hang your coats up yes i've been hanging my coats up i've been doing the lord's work but now were you doing that before you got

with your girlfriend because it seemed like adrian's the type of person who doesn't want things draped on her couch yes nailed it nailed it right up on the head i buy it where i bring back i buy stuff where it's interviews weddings baby showers communions uh our show job fairs our show our show is in a hookah lounge yeah and what i do is i hang it up to air it out no i don't believe in febreze also when we do our show i'll be telling people they can't smoke because i don't want to smell that mess and somehow that 29 inches of hair somehow ends I'm smelling like an ashtray. Yeah, but I'm not returning my hair.

I'm returning the clothes that my hair was laying on. Boom, shaka, laka. Sydney, the only thing that I've never returned is shoes. I wear them, they're mine. Really? Well, yeah, you can't, like, I'm supposed to tape up the bottoms and then I'm slipping and sliding all through Manhattan? Well, first of all, you don't, it's one of those situations where you get them,

you get in a cab, get out of the cab, make sure the door is right next to the cab. yeah but so what i'm sitting i'm sitting in the uber like can you move up a little bit sir and he's like it's right there and i'm like i just need you to move up four more feet okay don't dance these are not you don't do the dance you just go there to walk in sit down listen if i'm buying the shoes then i then i'm keeping the shoes unless i don't like i wear them for like a shoot but like what photo shoots am i anyway i'm not doing it with my shoes i'm doing it with my clothes don't mind returning some damn shoes you've returned shoes before oh absolutely what why did you return the shoes they were too small it was too big marie that was uncomfortable

sydney i'm asking real questions you need to answer the question or i'm gonna assume your feet were too damn big for the shoes you know how i do some days my shoe is my foot is a nine other days it's an eight no it's a really bad days it's a ten and a half yeah that's a pretty bad there so sydney what were you an expert in this week oh my god i was an expert in keeping my calm under pressure keeping calm under pressure what pressure have you been under in the last couple days uh went to detroit had a fabulous vacation because that's what lesbians are doing vacationing in detroit did you wear a lot of flannel out there i barely wore any of the clothes i put in my suitcase that's how great the trip was i just hung out in pajamas and then i wore the

same sweater for a couple days that sounds like some real lesbian detroit uh stuff right there absolutely had a grand time things were going great with me and the boo thing get on the plane uh in business class okay because i'm doing great business class just the new name for coach i'm asking for a friend no you're always trying to rain on my motherfucking parade and i'm it's gonna cease it's gonna i feel like it's first class and then no business slash coach no it's business i was um what do you call it upgraded to business made so what i mean they put you in an exit row i was the seat right after first class so they put you in an exit row no i was the seat after did you have more leg room yes i did behind you yes i did oh you did i did okay

And nobody was sitting next to me. It was great. Anywho, get home. The lights were all off. I was very exhausted. Sleep on the couch because I was like, you know, she's not here. Let me just sleep on the couch and watch TV. Right, because you didn't allow her to do that when she's home.

Shut up. Wake up. Wake up. Okay? I hear the cats crying. Like, a weird cry. Like, bitch, we shitting all over your bed type cry. I don't know what that cry sounds like.

That's what they did. They shit all over the damn bed. Everything. They shit on my clothes. On my clothes that I had just bought from La Remba. Everything. Wait, so they don't have a litter box at your house? Y'all just be people?

No, we were gone for five days, and cats get stressed out. And they will shit or pee or spray things because they're angry. And you know what I would have done? Because I was angry. I would have kicked that cow right off the fire escape. Just boop, straight across the street. Because that's what happens when I'm stressed out and surrounded by poop. So I'm freaking out because I needed to buy a New Year's Eve outfit and clean up shit.

So I was a little stressed, but I got it done. Matter of fact, bought two dresses, went out, had a great time with your ass. Then Adrienne comes back. She's mad at me because apparently I didn't clean the shit properly. Wait, what does that mean? You tried to clean it with like a paper towel? Like a napkin? It sounded like Adrian was going to break up with me on the spot

because I didn't clean it properly. Wait, what, you're supposed to soak the cat poop? No, there was cat poop near the litter or whatever. So she's mad at that. Then the cats piss on the couch. Yeah, it's time for those cats to go. It sounds like the cats are saying, give us us free, and you need to just leave them outside.

Ruining my relationship. But you know what? We got it together. And now I was fine. I didn't cry I didn't do anything stupid I didn't hit her I feel like you

by hurt you mean the cat because that's who she got hit oh no I kicked the cats who? I kicked it like it was a football

like Charlie Brown I kicked it like a cowboy one of those cowboys what's the cowboy the Philadelphia Cowboys no kick the ball like that

Sidney legit the Philadelphia Cowboys I think that's what it is. I think it's the Chicago Cowboys. What's the team? Cindy, I'm pretty sure it's the Detroit Cowboys. Oh, speaking of Cowboys, oh, this guest here is a real sharp shooter.

Yes. Yeah. no this um guest is one of our good friends uh he's a comedian here in new york he's doing all of the work and he actually has a show a monthly show at the standing room called cool cool cool that's super cool it's a cool it's a cool show that uh we haven't been on but it's okay even though he's done our show two times yeah our show is the warm-up it's like every second saturday of the month at karma lounge in the east village at 8 p.m he's super funny this gentleman i'll use that word loosely um is really funny and sydney can do can you introduce his

expertise for us today i really really enjoy this guy give it up for lawrence deloach wait i didn't even clap for him let's do that over give it up for lawrence deloach Yay! And he is our expert in living with your mom. Give it up for Lawrence. He's our live-at-home expert. Yay! How are you ladies doing?

Lawrence, we're doing really well. What are your thoughts, real quick, on the Philadelphia Cowboys season this year? Well, that's what I was, first I was going to be an expert in telling you ladies the correct football teams, the Philadelphia Eagles, the Dallas Cowboys, the Chicago Bears. Yes, yes, yes. I knew it was the Dallas Cowboys. I was being facetious. Well, the way Sidney said it, I wasn't sure.

No, Sidney definitely didn't know. The Cowboys are probably one of the best teams in football right now, so they look really good. Okay. What are the top black people on that team? They got this rookie. They got two rookies. They got Ezekiel Elliott.

He's a running back. He's really good. He's got, like, a weird face. His hair is not on point. And he wears crop tops. I want him to do that. Like, he's got a highlighter on top. His name is Ezekiel something?

Yeah. Ezekiel Elliott. I don't like his hairstyle. And he wears a crop top? I'm going to Google him right now. He wears like crop top jerseys. Raindrop. Crop top.

Crop top. Crop top. Running touchdowns. Okay. Yeah. So Lawrence, tell us a little bit about you. I mean, I'm 6'1". No.

Don't lie to the people. You're a good 5'10". Nah, I'm dead ass. I'm 6'1". Are you really 6'1"? Well, maybe you have bad posture because I can't. I can't tell. I'm six one and three quarters.

My doctor, she just... Oh, you have a doctor? You have a doctor? I got health insurance, lady. You have health insurance because you're not paying rent. Well, I got health insurance because I have a great job. Oh, that's right. You have a job.

And what is it that you do? Can you tell us what you do? I mean, I assemble boxes for a living for a jewelry company in Midtown Manhattan, which sells great jewelry. I just want to let you ladies know. Assemble boxes. I like how you try to make that sound better than how you usually make that sound. I assemble the brown shipping boxes that people receive.

Oh, you don't even assemble the gift boxes. You just assemble the box that they sent that people rip up and throw out right away. Yeah, and then I put crinkle paper inside the box now. Oh, you get to put the paper in? Yeah. So fun. Yes, it's super fun. And also, real quick, the jewelry boxes that people receive, they have Made in China stickers.

And now I've got to take those off. So I'm doing a lot of things now that help out. Oh, so they gave you a promotion. you're also removing stickers while assembling boxes yeah so it's uh it's really good for the community i feel like i'm doing a great job and i'm just happy to be on the team i literally feel like it's christmas for you every day you're just dealing with boxes oh ezekiel elliott is cute is he yeah he's arab or black what is he he ain't no lawrence deloach let me see thank god he's not a lawrence deloach because oh shit okay raindrop oh wait no this i totally it was a wrong guy he's

he got a good face i mean he has a really big face he's really he's attractive uh listen if anybody is like a cousin or some type of friend to ezekiel is that your type uh lauren said he's a rookie so that means he's probably like 12 uh he's like 21 22 yeah that's that's a little young that's not your type okay no but he's attractive if you listen to this and you look kind of like ezekiel slide in that dm call us well you do know i'm ezekiel cousin right well never mind i take I'm going to go ahead and rescind that offer Alright cool so So Lawrence you are here because you live with your mom

Yeah How long have you been living with her All my life Nah we actually We had a stretch where we were Apart from each other So you had a fuck She was like get out of my house

And he was like bah And then he was hungry for six months And he was like, Sheila, can I come back? Is your mom's name Sheila? No, my mother's name is Peggy. Hey, Peggy. Peggy. Peggy Deloche.

Peggy Lee. What's up, Peggy Lee? No, I went away to school. I got a job. So wait, that's when you guys like, that's right, you went to college? Because he lived on campus. Yeah, I was gone for. Dude, you gone for four years?

No, I was gone for actually for like almost nine years. Okay. Because I went away to college, graduated, got a job. I was living in upstate New York in Rochester, so I was by myself. You had an apartment there. Yeah, I had my own apartment, you know, like my own. Well, an apartment in Rochester, like how much is like that? So you had a room.

Did you have a room? I had a one-bedroom with a lot of square feet. It was a lot of space. The upper room. Wait, Lawrence, how much was the rent in Rochester? The rent where I lived, it was like... 50 cents. Come on, come on.

I mean, it was cheap. It was like around 900 a month. I mean, still decent, but I mean... For a one bedroom? For a one bedroom. Yeah. And it's like in the suburbs. What were you doing there?

I was working for Time Warner. Yeah, so I used to be a bill collector out there. Ooh. And I was making, you know, decent money. So I had... And I was living in a nice little apartment and I ended up moving back. How was that, being a bill collector?

It was cool. You hear a lot of people promise that you don't give a fuck about... What's the best excuse you ever heard from somebody? Lady told me she couldn't pay because her dog was an actor in a movie and then he didn't get the check yet and oh air bud like no i don't even know if it's air but it was probably some local shit because the dog's check didn't come yet they're like well she's

like you know he's in the union and um being sag we gotta wait an extra three weeks that was that was the type of excuse that she was coming up with and then once i told her no she just like started flipping out she was like let me talk to your supervisor rahim like she started calling me She called you Rahim Little did she know that your name is Lawrence And I was like oh my name is Lawrence But you look like a Rahim You can't see me I mean you can just hear me

She trying to say you sound very niggardly Yeah very niggardly She was like listen Rahim And what did you say? I was like well my name is Lawrence And she was like oh sure Rahim And that's when I was like What a bitch

So did she get an extension or? Nah, when you, I mean, when you coming off, like, swinging like that, like, she was swinging from my head. My supervisor was like, nah, we're not going to do nothing for this lady. Do you usually do stuff? Like, do you help people? I'll be honest with y'all, when I was working at Time Warner, there were stories that made me cry. Like, this old lady, she couldn't pay

$10 for cable. Why was her cable $10? She only had six channels. Yeah, she only had three channels. She was like, CBS and Fox and ABC. And you hear some old-ass dog in the background and shit, and you think, really, yeah. You know, she didn't want to cheat the

antenna on the tv still and she had to like get up and like turn the dog is howling like come get me please the dog probably had like a wheelchair for his back legs ready to die with that lady she couldn't pay ten dollars because her like ten dollars a month and like when someone's saying they can't pay ten dollars for cable like you know they're not coming up with excuses like that's nah she's scamming y'all niggas she's like i got it she got she's like i'm just not gonna pay ten dollars you know i don't know and i don't know if i was high at work that day but like it touched my soul to the point where i was like i'm gonna give you a hundred dollar credit and that was 10 months what seriously you had you you were at the level where you could just do that i mean i

just do a lot of shady shit there like okay but i i did give her credit i talked to my supervisor my supervisor you know she listened to the call and she was like that's cool and and the sad thing about it was i don't think she made it 10 months she died she was so elated with the credit that You gave her that you killed this lady. Yeah, I killed this lady with kindness. Oh, my goodness. Because at first I was like, oh, she just stuck it on some butterscotch. Like, fools.

Fools. Like, you'd be like, please, fools. And then she's like, yeah, I got these motherfuckers. Wait, do you guys record the call when it's on hold? Everything. Wait, when I'm on hold, you guys are recording what? So, like, what happens, though, here's the thing. Here's the thing.

There's a mute button, and then there's a hold button. like when you hear like the music right like I don't we can't hear that part but if we put you on we'd be like

oh just you know hold on for one second we put you on mute we can hear like say you say some wild shit we can hear oh I'd definitely

be saying some wild shit oh I'd be saying some crazy stuff about Verizon of course because I call them every couple months just to scream at them

and I'd be like I've been a customer since 2004 and then they they put me on hold and I'd be like these things are so stupid they're so rude

I'd be like watch me get all my money back oh wow okay well I'm gonna be a better person on the phone yeah be a better person even if you're faking it like most of the time people the reps will be willing to help you with a discount or something

if yeah normally i'm normally able to get a discount but i don't know i guess no one's ever given me a hundred dollar credit i mean she was oh you you called it sounding young and and vibrant i didn't give you i'm i'm sorry i just i don't know does that sound oh it sounds not good enough to get a hundred dollar credit i'll tell you i have to have a sad dog in the background that's like oh wait have you ever had like a hot girl like you could tell her like she was hot because her voice didn't be like you want to just she was like hey take her out to

dinner yeah my sister they weren't too many hot girls so like it was hard for me to like sounds like a lot of ugg boots and white north north south pole jackets I will tell y'all this the wildest thing I ever did was my boy worked at Champs Sports and he gave me like a 50% credit on some sneakers and I think I gave him like a $250 credit

and I was like that's not even Jordan's like are $200 you should have got a $250 credit yeah no but it was like you know it was like we were kind of looking out like I got discounts on discounts and I looked out for him and it was like totally like you can go to jail for that like you know what I'm saying you can get fired but I was just like I ain't care I was 23, 24

I was doing what I wanted Like This podcast Isn't being recorded And monitored right Or is this like I mean people out here Listening

I mean we got fans In Rochester Wearing white South Pole jackets And hug boots I'm going to jail Like the girls Who wear Tory Burch

They are huge fans of ours Oh word Yeah Shout out to all my girls That wear Tory Burch How y'all doing out there Lawrence how you feel About women that wear Tory Burch

I mean If you wear Old Navy If you wear it right That's fine So the podcast is over Wow I've never seen somebody wear an Old Navy fleece

correctly Lawrence let's talk about this let's talk about this so after Rochester you took your ass back to Peggy's house well no no no no there was

there was a girl I was dating and she she had just moved into an apartment in Flatbush and you were like so you moved in with her

so she was like she was on some like you know move in with me and I moved in with her and that was like a total nightmare why?

it was just class of personalities like you know Or you just wasn't contributing. I mean, at the time, she had two jobs. I didn't have a job. It was rough. Oh, so you were Lawrence from Insecure.

Okay. What is it about dudes named Lawrence that just makes them... Lawrence, you couldn't get a job at Best Buy or nothing? The Best Buy. The goal, I mean, I got myself fired from Time Warner. You were creating the app? You were doing the app? You're Lawrence

They stole my story They stole my story Yo legit Yo Watching the show I was like This Lawrence Is so familiar to me

And now I know why I forgot I know Lawrence already No it was very similar Like I said I got myself I was I just started doing

Stand up in New York So I was kind of like You know just Like I got a dream I'll be famous In six months And my girl at the time She was like

Six months Well you know You're very naive When you first start doing comedy You have this delusion Nah I never thought never thought six i think six months now i believe in myself i believe in myself since day one so it's very delusional how many months ago was this uh probably like 77 months ago

this was 77 months ago so you moved in with isa and she was like you got to get out i mean isa with isa was getting mad at me you know i can't say her real name kathy but i mean you was fucking with a chick named kathy how old was kathy kathy was white 55 kathy was black kathy was haitian kathy was haitian i didn't even know we came in that brand kathy was haitian uh i moved in i moved in with her and you know and it just she wanted her house cleaned she wanted to make sure her couch you had you you had a dent in the plastic on it well i think i think that was you know that was the main problem because you know she's going out there working hard and she comes home and you just waking up.

I'm about to go to this open mic. I'm about to get it. I'm about to tell these new dick jokes. You telling new dick jokes, giving her like unemployed dick. Yeah, Kathy was not having it. You telling new dick jokes and you giving her old dick strokes. So obviously she's upset. Struggle ass dick.

And you trying to get on her insurance. You like, yo, Kathy. And you was eating up all the cereal and leaving no milk left. Like, come on. I think the final straw was she had bought a pizza and she went to work. when I was in the crib. And I ate the last slice of pizza.

Now, you know, I mean, that's very small. No, it ain't small. No, listen, when you really not contributing to anything and she's already, like, upset at you, that last slice of pizza set her the fuck off. And I think I left the box in the refrigerator. Like, what are you doing? Go to your mother's house.

And you did. You did. Could you walk to your mom's house? Or you had to get in a bus? Your mom had to pick you up? What happened? I actually, I had a car. I have a car still.

You do. I have a car, and I packed up every... You packed up your one box. You got a plastic bag and threw all your polo shirts in there. You packed up a box and threw... I packed up a box. You threw your PlayStation in a bag. You double-bagged it.

You double-bagged the PlayStation. And then she threw all your Nike shoeboxes out in the hallway. It was definitely... I think it was actually... To be honest with you, it was two trips. I had two trips. You wanted to come back? I came back.

You had to come back. I came back. You couldn't put everything in Uber? Yo. I think the saddest part was when I had to give up the house key. Like, you know, I handed her the house key, and I thought it was like a joke. I thought it was one of those, I'm going to teach you, get a job. No, she'd been mad at you for six months.

No, she was mad. I mean, it was a few months, you know, of me not working. So, you know, I ended up moving home, and I was like, you know what, Lawrence? I said, you ain't going to be here for no more than three months. And how many months ago was that? I missed like 67 months ago. A hundred and twenty-three months ago. We're like 67 months in right now.

How long have you been with your mom? I got kicked out of my ex-girl crib like August of 2011, so whatever year we in now. Ooh, that's some time. It's 2017 now. I mean, it's early 2017. Let's not act like we're in 2017. Well, we don't know when this episode is going to air, but I'm sure whenever we air this, you're still going to be at your mother's house.

So how did Peggy feel when you came back with all this stuff? Did she have open arms? My mom is very supportive, especially because I'm the only child. so it was like you know she was like ah you're the only boy yeah i'm the only boy i'm the only child so she was like you know hey she was like you know i'm not gonna sit here and let you be homeless so move in and you know and i had told her i was like yo ma it's only gonna be a couple months anyway so i'm getting my shit together and little did peggy know what does she feel how does she feel now she's cool i mean she's like she cool i mean i just you don't even know

how she feels no i mean i i really don't but i mean when i sometimes when i don't come home for like a day or two she's like oh good don't come back like but you know she's she's happy for me like she knows that so wait when you don't come home where are you i mean yeah laurence where the hell do you be you at that girl who work at the bank's house tasha the bank teller tasha you at tasha freaky ass house uh bank teller bay nah you know i'm just i'm out doing you know whether i'm doing stand-up or i'm just or you're okay i'll say something smart yeah I was going to say something all the way smart. You should not.

So, what is the plan then? Like, if the stand-up thing takes, like, another two years, let's say, for, like, your big payday, are you cool with staying at your mom's house? I mean, I'm not like, oh, this is the move. Like, I don't want to be at my mom's house. I mean, it's not the move, but, like. She was doing wild shit to kind of get me out the crib. Oh, what was mom doing?

She bought a cat and she knows I don't really mess with cats She trying to kill you She trying to kill you It was like 1am And my step pops he brought the cat home And I went to the bathroom And I just see this cat just staring at me And I was like what the fuck is going on

And they was like oh you got a little brother Oh they hit you with the little brother Yo Peggy is ruthless Let me tell you something Lawrence She's savage Peggy and step dad Sam They just want to walk around the house butt ass naked and you cramp and they stop.

They really do. They just want to make, he wants to make eggs butt naked and make Kool-Aid. And then be like, you don't know nothing about this right here,

baby boy. Yo, Ving Rhames just wants to bang Peggy at the house and you're there all the time. He had nine years

when I was away, you know what I'm saying? Do you know if your mom like feels comfortable like being herself even with you being there? I mean,

are any of us comfortable with being ourselves right now? Sydney got her socks On the table It's not even my house I'm secreting On somebody else's

Couch right now Nah you know I think I'm comfortable I think the If you live at home With your mom I think the best part

Is balance Like you know Like you gotta be home When she's asleep And she you know Like you just can't Come home at six o'clock Do you help her

Around the house Like do you like Do you swiffer Assemble furniture And like do laundry And like put Like manual labor Do you like

I don't know do you make her a box you got a box for her please I bring my mother boxes like that's she gets boxes wait no say that again

say that again I make my mother boxes she get herself some boxes yo Lawrence what up do you pay rent I mean define rent you know

oh my no I mean I do pay I pay the cable bill you Venmo her you pay the cable bill and you still got that cable hook up

no I don't have the cable no I pay like I think it's close to like 300 a month right now per cable Yeah, because my mother, she's, like, old school, so she has, like, a house phone, you know, she has internet, and then we have, like, a bunch of cable boxes. So you got high-speed definition Wi-Fi. $300 is too much.

It's way too much, you know what I mean? But I can't be like, yo, mom, we need to get that. Yo, your mom could pay, like, the $100. She's doing that on purpose. She's doing that on purpose. I mean, they got every channel, so they got HBO. Yeah, but are they home watching TV a lot? I mean, I can't sit here and be like, yo, take that out.

Like, yo, you know, it's kind of like, all right, it's a trade-off. You absolutely cannot say that. Yeah. So it's like, you know, that, then it's, you know, I bring food home to my mom. Like, you know, it's true. By food, you mean you be bringing pizza home on Thursdays? Nah, like, I have this thing called Whole Foods Wednesday, where I go to Whole Foods on Wednesday, and then I bring some stuff.

How much? How much money are you spending at Whole Foods? I mean, money is relative, you know. Nah, I want to know how much you're dropping on Peggy on Wednesday. We talking, you know. At least 100. Yeah, it's around 100, 80 to 100, you know. I mean, because.

Yeah, but that, at Whole Foods, that's like three items. Nah, nah. if you smart shop you pretty good like she gets a lot of you know chicken culottes and bacon

she's not I mean she's not complaining plus she knows she's not complaining to you she's complaining to V-Rains

every day but all her friends know about Lawrence to her friends I'm an angel you know no to her friends

my box making ass son who got a who got a sneaker habit you got a you got a real sneaker habit

I mean it's not a sneaker I mean I resell sneakers though yeah but you have lots of shoes you know when all the new ones are coming out you sometimes wait online i mean is this is this uh intervention yeah peggy peggy gotcha peggy sent us is this a unofficial expert i have a i have a letter here from peggy she said dear nigga no we just want to know like i mean you're an artist so i i'm not gonna like get down on you about living with your mom

because we're not dating but like i know that you do have an end goal and you at least you do have a day job and you know you're you're trying like it's it's not like you're a bum right i mean it's not your bum anymore because you were a bum when you were at your ex-girlfriend's house which is why you got kicked out i mean i wouldn't say a bum i mean i was just trying to get my shit together I mean, we're all trying to, listen, everybody's trying to get their shit together, but there's a lot of misconceptions about people who live with their parents. Yeah, that's exactly it. And I want you to tell us what are these misconceptions, because saying you live with your mom out

loud just sounds awful. Nah, you know what? It's almost like it's my brand at this point. Oh, so you can't even leave. I can't even leave. We're stuck. It would be weird if you left your mom's house. We sign these twins.

Nah, but a lot of people think like it is, you know, like you're just taking advantage. Nah, I mean, is it like, no, do I really want to live in a in a three bedroom with five other starving artists? No, absolutely not. I mean, I've been to a lot of my, you know, comedy friends house, you know, it's miserable. It's kind of disgusting and it's dirty, you know, you know. So, I mean, at the same time, I'm going to sit here and knock my childhood room that I've had for years. It's like, you know what I'm saying? Are you sleeping on the same race car bed

that you were sleeping on in 1999? I'm never sleeping on a race car. You sleep on a... Is it twin? Nah. A twin? Who would I look like? It's a full.

See, that's the thing about... It's a full, which is basically a twin. It's a twin and a half. Yeah. It's a twin with a little bit more room. It's a twin with, like, a little bit of extra pillow space. Okay, so you're in your childhood bed.

That means you have, like, all your, like, old TLC posters on the wall. Like, who's on the wall? Nah, you know what's funny? all right so this is hilarious i have uh there were some stickers i got when i was eight it was from the dream team that's fucking crazy you got space jam stickers on your walking screen actually actually so do you bring women home yeah that's what i want to know i stopped you know it's funny

i used to bring women through like when i was in college through yeah through you don't bring people through the mom's crib i mean you take them there i would take them there you know we would have a nice you know you would have a nice evening and then she would be like bye you know have you ever got caught with somebody nah you know it's funny my mother has always been very like respectful we respected you know wait how's your mother being respectful in her house and yeah you got some nerve i used to uh when i had when i was young i had a you know girlfriend and like my mom loved her and like you know bring her you know she would come by you know she would spend the night over there sometimes she would spend the night at your mother's house

while she was there my mother my mother really like i went he's very modern peggy's ready for some grandbabies that's what it sounds like nah she's not ready for anything like she knows like who's taking care of this grandbaby i think she's gonna be peggy so she don't she don't want that peggy's like we don't have room for a creep in the living room ain't no room for bassinet or a potty training toilet in this one bathroom we already got uh we already got a cat that's what the cat is the little brother cat is the little brother but no she's never really been like on some like you know don't bring you know girls to i i would have you know maybe i'm gonna be honest how many women have met

my mother maybe three but i mean how many you know i bring do i bring people now no i don't really do that because most of the girls i meet have they should together i think if both of us don't have our shit together that's that's not a relationship that's a that's a group meeting yeah like it's a therapy session you gotta have you know and i know this is gonna sound as a female if you don't have your own place or like a roommate situation like what i'm gonna do come over you see this do you see this america ladies and gentlemen what i'm being i mean but listen listen to this you know you sound crazy right you do sound crazy but as a woman who pays her rent mostly on time i can't date somebody who lives with their mom like i

can't be with somebody oh i'm bougie as hell when it comes to my vagina but like it's not even really that like if i'm and i understand like everyone's trying to be a better person and get to another level but while i'm trying to do that i'm not at my mom's house so i need for you actually i want to date somebody in a better situation than me you need to have no roommates i don't want to date anybody who has a roommate or a mom because marie wants to walk butt naked and make like from the bedroom to the bathroom i shouldn't have tofu salad i don't want to talk you no raggedy ass roommates. I don't want to bump

into your dog. I have a roommate. But the dude that I date next can't have no roommates. He needs to be like, he needs to have like his own place. He got to have his own

floor of the building. Like he, it needs to be like a walkthrough. They need to be a terrace in the back. Man, do you hear this right now?

Do you hear Marie? What you talking about? Did you hear Lauren? She should though. Did you hear Lauren? But she should, she should have that, that those standards

because look what she's bringing to the table. Everything. I got standards too and look what I'm bringing to the table. Literally boxes. he will walk into your life with boxes and walk out of them bring a box-shaped table to the table

what you bring into the table a box one day y'all gonna need some boxes and if i do i can literally go to c-town and get boxes for free you just gotta wait for them to throw them out the way yeah no i just that's that's where i'm at i have a roommate i'm working on reaching my goals, I can't date somebody. And you gotta live in a better neighborhood than me. I'm not going deeper into Brooklyn. Yeah, where do you live? I live in Crown Heights.

That's Brooklyn. You gotta think. People listening don't all live in Brooklyn. What kind of Brooklyn? On the left side of the street, it's a city of Jewish people. And on the right side, it's a bunch of West Indians. Okay, so you live in an interesting

area. Yeah, it's very interesting. Super interesting in my neighborhood. But I think it's it's a nice neighborhood so so what type of women are you are you dating are you looking for a relationship or are you just like looking to hang right now no I mean I'm it's 2017 I'm getting older we're looking for love you know well if you're looking for love I mean I think we all get caught up in like relationships or trying to find somebody but essentially you need to just worry about yourself and I just want to know what's the plan in order to get out of your mother's apartment because

for me I've been waitressing for 10 years and it's not I'm not living with my mom but I kind of feel stuck a little bit and it's important to create that vision board and that plan to get the fuck out because what's on your vision board

a queen size bed and what else sheets on the mattress all the time two pillows that both have cases on them I got mad pillows in my crib I do have a vision board which is it's a great vision let's talk about it yeah let's talk about it i mean it's the beginning of the year let's talk about what you're trying to manifest this year i'm just trying to manifest

happiness and joy no no no no for real like some real things like are you trying to do a half hour are you trying to get like a manager agent you're trying to be on tv what's up yeah word what you're trying to do you're trying to do a special i'm honestly i'm just trying to work on being the most funny Lawrence Deloach I could be. And all that will come. Is my mic on? Yeah, it's on. All right, cool.

I was just checking the levels. But I'm just trying to be the best Lawrence Deloach I could really be. And I think all that will come. And, you know, you just go from there. Yeah, but you're not trying to be proactive about it this year? I mean... Listen, so people listening to this don't necessarily live in New York. Yeah, cool.

So it's comics who listen to the podcast who live in, like, North Carolina and, like, Virginia and wherever else this thing is streaming. and so my question to you is somebody who's not from New York who's listening to you as a comic from New York is like well what should I be doing to get out of my situation what would you say to that person

I would just say and honestly I would say don't don't come here don't make boxes don't make boxes no you know honestly if you want to come here and you want to live with you know 10 other people that's fine don't let it knock you

I mean, I just got luck, not lucky, but I got in a situation where I grew up in Brooklyn. Yeah. And, you know, I do have family out here that's willing to kind of, you know, let me pursue what I want to do. You mean your mother, right? Just say Peggy is helping you out. I mean, I got other family, too. It's just not Peggy. Yeah, but you're not staying with the other family.

No, I'm not. No, it's definitely, like I said, it's, I got, my mother's always looked out and I'm just continuing to work. I'm glad that your mother is by your side because it's hard being an artist because people eventually either not give up or they get less interested like in the first two years people are like

so what you doing you gonna blow up or not like what's up and it's like comedy doesn't work like that it literally does take time and you like the schedule to have a day job and then do comedy at night and then hang out at shows and then try to do writing packets or try to audition

like you have a day job like can you audition yeah actually i i'm lucky where i have a day job that where my boss allows me to do stuff like that like when i i do have auditions and stuff like that he's always been like all right just you know don't don't be out for eight hours of the day but you know if you need a couple hours um he's cool with that um that's good yeah that's what i'm saying so like a lot of the situations i'm in you know it's very flexible um yeah i had a day job for a while and i didn't ever tell anybody when i had auditions i would just leave and then when i came from that job and then when i can't no i was a champ at that job and then when i when i came back people wouldn't even they didn't even realize i had been gone for like an

hour and a half um i was i attempted there for three three months all the other jobs i got fired from lawrence thank you for bringing that to everybody's attention but i would just leave i'd be like i would come back with a face full of makeup and people would be like did you have on red lipstick when you got here and i'd be like yes sure did no it's crazy i know so many comics who are who moves in New York from other cities and then they were like you know a couple years they're like I just don't have any money or like I don't have you know yeah New York is expensive everything and chasing this so are we had a frugal expert that was like literally telling us all the ways that you can kind of cut corners and like she has her own apartment and affordable housing and it's

like there is outlets if you really want to do that next level thing and I'm I'm I want you on the show because i definitely think that there's some insight because it is stressful oh super stressful i think you know one thing i will say about a lot of at least comics from new york city that are doing comedy and a lot of male comics who grew up here a lot of people who grew up in new york city they they still live at home like a lot of people i know name two name two comics that still live at home in new york you're not gonna put them out put their business i don't Just say their names Just what are their initials

What are their initials I mean Well we know one We know one Who is the one that we know You know who We wanted to put him On the podcast as well

You know him I don't know Who you guys talking about Anyways Marie's playing games No I don't know who it is One of them I'll say

Hope of the Oh Oh yeah PD said it So that's what I'm saying So you I mean you do have Certain you know

Some comics that are You know That are So what you're gonna say Is that New York comics are less driven? No, I wouldn't say less driven at all. I would just say that

there's a lot of comics that have come to me that a lot of people they'll be like, oh, ha ha, you live at home with your mother but you don't understand how many comics have come to me and said damn son, I wish I wish I had my family. It's true. It's definitely true. I was talking to a comic, I'm not going to say his name,

he's been on TV, really great guy, headlines all over the country. We were talking one day and he was like, yo so you know where do you live i'm like i live at home and he's like yo he said if your family allows you to he said ride that shit out as long as you possibly can he said because he's seen people like you it's already stressful enough doing stand-up right and and now not only that but it's like now i got this other added stress of i gotta make rent i gotta make i gotta eat

i gotta do all that so like one pressure off of me i'm not sitting here like it's a big pressure it's a big pressure trying to make rent because trust me i've i've had to pay my own rent i've had to you know pay money i had to pay utilities but that one less added stress that you have i think is it's not bad yeah you take it you definitely take a loss living at home you take an l but like at least you're funny and you're really funny but and i'm tall and i got no smile but there's we're just gonna cut it off right there but there's some people who live at their parents home and you get really

comfortable because you aren't stressing and the pressure is on and sometimes I feel like you do need to struggle so that it can push you to get even better, faster farther. I think living at home is a struggle in itself. I don't think, I think any comic that like is, because I've had

conversations with comics who live at home and I'm like yo I gotta get out and they like nigga what are you doing? Ride this out. I'm like nah I kinda wanna get out. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but are these comics that are like, oh, we should listen to them, or we should... No, comics that you guys have had on your pocket, comics that are funny, that, you know, that... That are like, stay home?

That are just, you know, because like you said, some people who live at home are just like, I'm going to ride this out, and, you know, sometimes you're like... Well, I agree with what Sidney's saying, though, because certain people, like, they're home, they're comfortable, they're, like, they're not as driven because they know, like, worse comes to worse, they still got somewhere to stay. Like, they can take a little bit longer to break out as comedians or actors or whoever because they're not, like, they know that at the end of the day, even if they don't go to any mics, they still got somewhere to sleep. Even if they don't go to not a single audition, they still... Have food to eat every day. I don't look at it like that. I look at it as on some... It drives me to get better as a stand-up.

It drives me to want to get out. I couldn't see myself being like, yeah, I live at home. All right, cool, Lawrence. No pressure. No worries. That's just me. Everyone is different.

Right. But I couldn't seem... I think developing as just an artist is because I live at home because i don't want to be there and because it's like but then well that's a big part of your um personality on stage as well like you talk about your job you talk about peggy you talk about like your day-to-day life and i think it's funny it is really funny every time you talk about that stuff we think it's hilarious but like how much longer do you think you're going to be able to do

that material before people start to be like he's like i got this i got no trust me i mean you can do i mean as a comic you you talk about your life as long as it's very entertaining as long as it's funny i mean i don't think i think me making jokes about making boxes i don't think that's a damn son how long you even when you get another job you're gonna be like yo my job is making boxes no you know why because i i i have so much jokes about working at time warner but i never i never prefaced it like i you know it's not like it's it's the moment it's like i used to work for this. I love doing stand-up. I used to. And I

think people, as long as you're funny and you know how to tell, you know how to word it and you make it good, like, you can tell a joke. I talk about college. Yeah. I talk about shit that happened to me in college and people still like, yo, that's a funny joke. Yeah. You know it's stressful about, like,

living with people who actually care about you. Like, because I live with my girlfriend and I just started making money again and that's why I'm frivolous and going to Rainbow and buffalo exchange all the time but there was a point where it was very strenuous because it's like you you want to make sure that person is happy as well like you want to make sure your mom is living her life you want i want to make sure that my girlfriend is happy and i feel like

the problem with living with like a family member like your mom it's like sometimes you you run out of like your chances because what if you really do need to live and you can't because you spent all that time and then it's like nah you gotta get out and then you're like oh shit i'm almost homeless now i wish i wouldn't have used up all that time but i don't think you know the mother of a her only boy is gonna kick him out anytime soon you know and you know i also i'll say this why are you banking on that though no you're not banking on it but i also and everyone's story is different yeah i i wasn't home for almost 10 years like it's not like and it's not like i moved home and i'm like y'all just got this nine to five yo ma here's some money uh i'll see you

like it's a there's a there's a goal i don't think like my mother wouldn't just be like hey you can stay here and you you're not chasing your dream like right like and then it's also like that's a misconception though that's a well that's the thing because you're out of the house all day every day you're really not there i mean i'm literally out the house at 9 30 and i don't come home nights until 1 32 a.m and then i'm sleeping for five hours and then i'm doing it again yeah so that's it's not like you know if you're if you don't have a day job you're just chilling in the crib or you're not doing stuff and it's obvious that you're not doing stuff and that's what gets aggravating there's no way that lady and also if i wasn't funny that lady would

not let me she would not be like all right i i get it so you know i think some people say well you live at home, but it's like, there's reasons why I'm able to stay home. I don't think if I was a bum or I just was bullshitting, I don't think she would be as... No, there's some bums that their moms let them be bums, but I'm glad that

Peggy isn't like that. Because you seem like you care about your mom and you're very respectful. With a name like Peggy, she seems like a good lady. Shout out to Peggy Lee. I want to meet your mom. I wish your mom could be on the podcast. Word. Peggy

You can be our expert in having a child that you not, that's not leaving your house. Lawrence, we got some questions for you. Yeah, we do. We want to test your expertise. You got your glasses on. You actually look really good in them. I look good in everything.

Okay, all right. What? I can't, I can't. See, that's the problem with America. You can't say nothing about yourself that makes yourself look great without people saying what's going on with you. Stu, we got these questions for you, Lawrence. We want to test your expertise.

We really do. Whenever you're ready. I feel like you're really good at doing whatever you're doing at your mom's house, but we want to make sure it's official, unofficially. Okay. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah.

I have a first question. Go ahead. What's the best place to take your mother for Mother's Day? That's a good one. That's a good one. Oh, man. My mother, there's a diner that she loves. Wow.

You have completely failed the test. You are no longer- You're done. We can't even finish. You take your mom to the diner? You can't even take her to a nice cloth napkin establishment? Are you going to let me? I mean, it's like a four-part day.

You know what I'm saying? Okay. So she has this diner that she's been going to since she was a kid that I would take her to. Then afterwards, I would take my mom to a Knicks game because that's what I want to do. Where were the seats at? Where would the seats be? The seats would be on the 50-yard line. That's a joke.

That's a trick because it's a 50-yard line. Because I'm like, what is that? so you're saying your seats are by the bathroom okay cool no I would take they would be good seats close to court side

where else would I take my mom after that man she but like what's the best place like even if it wasn't your mother where's a good place

to take somebody take their mom on Mother's Day oh I mean if it's free it's the Brooklyn Promenade that would be dope

and stuff what am I what I'm supposed to say take her to Sizzler Red Lobster no you would never don't take your mom to Red Lobster

i took my mom to red lobster once and uh she judgy as hell and she my mom won't eat other people's food so we were sitting there and she just was like yeah your mom is so funny with she won't eat it yeah she's like she don't like it it's just watery ass dirty soup yeah um well one person told me this and it was great he was like since i live with my mom on mother's day i would just leave the house for the whole day and that was the best gift to give we all can't get what we want you can't give peggy the weekend alone i mean no see that's the thing about living at home like you gotta understand we both gotta just live with each other even though you're not paying any fucking rent i pay the cable bill so that's a big yeah but that's like peggy don't

need that much tv you really don't she won't even be home she got a man yeah but i mean you know maybe he wants to watch tv i can't talk about what they do what's the next question marie Lawrence, here's the question that I have for you. Question number two. If Peggy tells you to take the chicken out of the freezer and it takes five hours to defrost, what time do you need to take it out of the fridge so she won't beat your ass? The moment she tells me to take it out, the moment she calls me. I'm not going to sit here and wait another minute or two.

Because what happens is you're going to get caught up doing something else. The chicken's going to stay in the freezer. and then you're going to hear her pull it up and you're going to be like, ah, that's the only reason. It'll be like, I'll be playing PlayStation, I'll be browsing the internet, watching, you know, scenes from my favorite movies and porn.

And then, you know. You'll be watching porn at Peggy's house? Me? No, I'm an angel. I don't even watch porn. I don't believe in porn. That's a damn lie. Unbelievable. I have another question. Okay.

How do you you properly make a bed? How do you properly make a bed? This is a big mother thing. Moms are so crazy about making the bed, washing the dishes,

cleaning the clothes. I mean, usually you just got to get a girl to make the bed and then you just go from there. If I had to make a bed, I mean, I would... It's time for you to go. It's time for me to leave? No. Also, if I had to make a bed, which I

you know, I do every morning. You just pull the comforter over the top? Do you really make the bed? What happened to me? You make sure the pillows are straight and then you pull the top sheet over all the other sheets. Yeah, it's just be like crinkly all underneath the comforter. No, you got to make sure the bed is properly adjusted

so that way, you know, you can take the sheet off and then put the sheet on. Yeah, that sounds like spoken, like a true person sleeping on a twin size bed. That sounds right. How many sheets do you have on your bed? Define sheets. How many sheets?

Like the mattress is bare. Ready? naked mattress. What goes on it? Alright, so you gotta have a mattress topper. You gotta have... You know what it was called. Yeah. I'm impressed. You gotta have a the

pull sheet, the sheet, you know, I don't know. The fitted sheet. Alright, then you gotta have another sheet on top of the fitted sheet. And then you put another sheet on top of that. And then you put the blanket joint stuff. Comforter? You put two sheets?

Yeah, I put two sheets. And you put the fitted and then two sheets and then the blanket? Well, that's what I do. I mean, because the second sheet is the thicker sheet than the original, the first sheet. You're missing one sheet. What happened? What sheet? You're missing the plastic.

You got to put the plastic on the bed and make sure you don't. Wait, hold on. You got to put the plastic on the bed just in case you have an accident. Let's go back. Let's go back. You got the mattress, then the topper, then the fitted sheet, and then two non-fitted sheets, and then the blanket going on? I like non-finished sheets, so like you got a sheet, a regular sheet, and then you have

like a thin, I have like a thin blanket, like it's kind of thin, and then I put a thick blanket on top of that. You only got no heat at your house. I got mad heat in my house, but sometimes, you know, you like to just be snugged in, you know? I get it. You know who likes to be snugged in? Peggy in her own house.

And do you have another question? That was it for me. I think that you are the expert of staying at your mother's house. Yeah. I mean When is your mom's birthday? No I'm playing It's June 1st

June 1st I was about to say You don't know your mom's birthday I don't know when your mom's birthday is It's June 1st June 1st I feel like The unofficial expert

Will find something nice For Peggy Yeah we're gonna try to send her We gotta send her something Because this is just I'm glad that you were able To speak about her In her

Give her first name out She's a Gemini She's a beautiful woman Love that lady I feel like Gemini's Are the people that are crazy Yeah they be ready to pop Oh so there's one minute

She's giving you a hug And the next minute Like, get the fuck out, Lawrence. She doesn't curse. Like, believe it or not. She doesn't curse? Nah, she's not a curser. What's her religion?

She's seven-day Adventist? No. Jehovah's Witness? Is she a Jehovah's Witness? No, no, no. She's a Christian. But, you know, she doesn't, she's not a curser. Like, she's been, she's not a drinker.

She's not a curser. And I think that's part of the reason why I think she's just been so cool. Shout out to Peggy doing so much work for this tired-ass Lawrence Deloach. You got Lawrence at the house and you sober the whole time? Thank you. Unbelievable. person. We'll send you a nice bottle of Cabernet. Does she drink?

He just said she don't drink. We gotta send her like some apple cider or something. And I'll make the box mom, because you already know. Look at that. From his heart to yours. So where can people find you, Lawrence? You can find me like Cindy was saying earlier, I run a monthly show every last

Wednesday of the month at the Standing Room in Long Island City. And also you can check out my website lawrencedelush.com. Can you spell Deloach? D-E-L-O-A-C-H. And what's your Instagram? My Instagram is LZD325.

Twitter is LZD325 as well. Perfect. LZD325. Thanks so much, Lawrence Deloach. Thank you so much for having me, ladies. This is a wonderful podcast. I'm happy to do it. I'm glad you...

The Z stands for Zavante? What is that? Lawrence Zavante Deloach? It's that. Zavante. It's Zamori. That's my middle name. Zamori.

Okay. That's what I'm going to call you from now. I'm glad that you took the beating like a man. I don't think we were beating that ass today. We were beating it. We were pretty. You ladies have done worse than me, I mean, at shows and, you know, so I can take that. Excuse me?

I think we've given you a great introduction on and off stage. I rebuke thee in the name of Satan. I think we've given you enough stage time. I think you're done for like 2017 for sure. Yeah, I think you're all set. Well, I appreciate all the stage time, you know, and that's what it's about, getting better and just continuing to grow. And I thank you ladies for that. Thank you.

Thanks so much, Lawrence. No problem. Thank you, Marie. Thank you, Sydney. Guys. Oh, go ahead. I was just going to say thank you. And I hope this podcast reaches so many people because it's been a great one.

Honestly, truly. I really hope that you guys learned something about moving to New York, if you're thinking about it. And I hope that if you do come up here, you come check Lawrence out at the Standing Room. What's the day of the week? It's the last Wednesday of every month. The next one is going to be January 25th. Is it free? It is free.

They make amazing drinks, too. They do. It's a really nice place. It's like a chemistry set or something. And you can see Sydney and I every second Saturday of every month at Karma Lounge for the warm-up in the East Village. Yes. And you can catch us on Instagram.

My handle is justsyd, S-Y, no, justsyd, J-U-S-T-S-Y-D-B-W. My Twitter is justsydnyc. Marie, what's yours? Listen, just follow the unofficial expert on Instagram. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's why we have an Instagram. It's just called Unofficial Expert. Yes.

We put all the pictures of our faces. And our videos. All the videos from all the quizzes there. Go check that out. Yeah. We're there. Thanks for listening. Thanks, guys.

Stay smart. Bye. To the listeners of the Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at zipcar.com. So to earn that $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficialexperts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts to earn free driving credit.