MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Nanny Expert" with Christi Chiello

Episode Date: November 4, 2016

Sydnee & Marie jump on a new episode of The Unofficial Expert and talk with comedian Christi Chiello, who introduce the ladies to the Nanny life.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

To the listeners of the Unofficial Expert podcast, Zipcar is offering $25 of free driving credit at Zipcar.com. So to earn that $25 of free driving credit, go to JoinZipcar.com slash UnofficialExperts. Again, that's JoinZipcar.com slash UnofficialExperts to earn free driving credit. Hey. I see you with your sexy ass voice today. Yeah, this is Marie After Hours. Welcome to The Unofficial Expert.

And this is Sydney Washington. Party people! I'm the loud one today. Yeah, she's doing a different type of show. I just want to see... This is very NPR right now. I'm wearing an Argyle vest with no pants. And I have no socks on.

Okay, who needs socks? It's super hot out here. Thanks, girl. All right, so Marie, what were you an expert in this week? Oh, we will start with me? Well, I was an expert at responding to emails professionally all week. Ooh, let me know, because I need help. You need help?

Because I'd just be like, hey. Hey. I had somebody who would email me. They would all be like, hey there. Who is this? What is hey there? But, you know, I hit a high comma, whatever the person's name is. But I think the most important part is, like, how you end the email, right?

Like, the best or the thanks. I say thanks too much. I'll say thanks up top and then thanks. Do you do thanks exclamation point and then your name? No. Okay, because every once in a while, like if I'm feeling cash, I'll do like a thanks exclamation point. No, I say thank you, comma, or thanks, comma, talk to you later, comma. T-T-Y-L, T-T-Y-S.

Do you do a regards? Do you ever close with like a regards? That is not me as a person, so I just can't. Yo, my sister will end with warmest regards. I'd be like, do you know this person? She sounds like she's from Nantucket. No, the way my sister types, like when she does emails, I'd be like, she'd be like, whomever there are for a forethought,

I'd be like, what? You don't talk like this in real life. And she'd be like, but this is how I type. I could see that, though. Her face says, like, warm regards. Warmest regards. Kind regards. What's that?

Sincerely? Are you hitting the? No. I haven't done a Sincerely since college, maybe. Are Sincerely's not cool? Are Sincerely's out? I feel like they're out. It's best. Best is what it is. Best, comma. Okay. So that's what I did. I responded to a bunch of emails this week.

It takes me a while sometimes to respond to people about things. It might take me a couple days. My new thing is I don't say sorry if I'm not actually sorry. When were you saying sorry before? Well, you know, you're like, sorry for the delay or sorry. Were you saying that? Because I see you walking, oh, hey, y'all. Hey, I'm here.

An hour late. So what? I'm here now. Well, I'm not saying sorry no more. You caught me on the, at the beginning of the not saying sorry if I'm not sorry. That's it. I'm an expert at being very sincere. Send your father my regards, Sidney Washington.

Sidney, what were you an expert in this week? I was an expert at receiving compliments from the guys at the bodega. Oh, that is, listen, that's the skill that you need. Listen, it's a skill. You got to know how to talk to them and you got to know how to accept it and just keep it moving. You got to know how, exactly. It's important to like catch it, throw it down, not turn around and get caught there because then now you live in front of the bodega. Yeah, I was wearing this head wrap and I was getting a lot of cat calls.

They were like, what up, natural? he don't know i got bundles underneath this thing thank you and then another guy just looked me all up and down it was like you got nice ankles like ankles that's it that's all i got that's legit but i took that i was like you know what maybe i'm not doing that i mean they're a little dry but thank you i feel like compliments a lot of women don't know we don't know how to like receive a compliment no a lot of women will get a compliment and then be like oh oh this this is old or oh this I got this for twelve dollars or oh me you me me you like a lot of women don't know how to just accept a compliment and just keep it moving yeah even that bit that

cat calling video and he's like damn you must be a lot of money I was like that's a girl you say you like five thousand dollars okay take that take that that's starting okay you're starting off $5,000. That's a great bid. That's a great opening bid. That's a great bid. Speaking of great opening bids. Oh my goodness. Actually, this transition doesn't make any sense. But we have

a great opening bid. We have Christy Cello here, our expert today. Hi, girl. Yes, a really, really good friend. Cece, that's what we call her. Can we call you Cece? Please. I want that to be a thing everybody calls me now. I'm trying to get everyone

to call me Cece. That was the greatest intro of all time. Look at you. I was laughing so hard. I was trying to not laugh into the microphone. Do you have anything that you wanted?

Are you good at sending emails? Like, how do you close it? Yes, and how I end my emails is warmly. Oh. That L-Y. That's a pretty nice one because it's not best regards,

but it's... That L-Y, girl. Oh, no. Warm regards. Warmest regards. I like warmly, but I feel like... You said your sister

does a forethought. she uses like legal jargon i'd be like girl you this is you sending this to somebody on craigslist like they don't need is your sister esquire like what's going on i don't know what she's doing she got a ph she got a well i don't know she got a master's degree i think you're both really experts though in those in those fields and you with the bodega i try to take the compliments as best i can are you good are you are you good with receiving compliments it's funny that it's funny because when you said oh this it's 12 i was like oh fuck i do that all the time because i think part of it's like just wanting to relate to someone like if some like i really do get a lot

of happiness if someone's like oh i love this dress and i'm like oh my god this was actually 999 at h&m like i like sharing that knowledge but it is like it's a way to like yeah and and i think it's important just to be like thank you yeah well it's different from like if you see somebody with a mink on and you're like oh my god that's a nice mink you're like that's right this is money i'm not gonna tell you how much this is expensive yeah just know i paid a lot of money for it yeah and don't touch me you don't touch are you somebody when someone gives you guys a compliment do you then feel like you need to give that person a compliment too sometimes sometimes it's awkward it's like i think i am that person i think that i'll like look to give them a compliment and i

don't know i don't know why you'll look at you'll look at them and you'll be like nice ankles like that's all you'll do exactly no i was walking down the street with my sister yesterday and it was these two people in front of us and one of them was a dude and then the other one was like like a weirdly shaped woman and we both like and the hair the wig was a matter like a matted hey hey listen listen it was like a mermaid wave It happens to the best of us. We were like, oh, that's terrible. And then we all stopped at the crosswalk at the same time,

and it turned around. We were like, and it was a guy, right? And he was like, oh, I love your hair, talking to my sister. And she was like, oh, thank you. And she was, like, trying to find something to compliment, and she couldn't. She was like, thank you. Thank you.

It's so sad when it happens. Sometimes all you got to do is hit him with a thank you. That's it. Take the thanks. Yeah. Cece. Hey. So you're a comedian.

I'm a comedian. You've been on Jeff Ross Comedy Central Roast Battle. I have. You were in Montreal. You got passports for comedy. I know. You got them passport stamps. We are very impressed.

Thank you, girls. Today we brought you in to be the expert on nannies. You're an expert on nannies. Yeah, which is so funny. Yeah, I'm not, yeah. No, I want you to be like a child care expert. I mean, I do have. Oh, wait, what's the other word?

Au pair. Au pair. Au pair. Oh, some expert I am so far. Au pair. Au pair. Au pair. I don't know how you say that crazy shit.

Like, au pair. Au pair. Marie, au pair. Can you bring me au pair? Yeah. That's what you are, Cece. Oh, Cece, how long have you been killing the childhood, the child care game? Oh, you don't even want to know.

How long would you? No, okay. I'll tell you. Over 10 years. That's beautiful. You've been a nanny for 10 years? Of child care experience. Now, this goes back in life.

I mean, I don't know how much time you ladies have. We got a little bit of time. But I used to do, like, one of my first jobs growing up was, like, I worked with kids at this theater camp. And then my mom, like. Sounds awful. Awful. Theater camp? You never did theater growing up?

No. I was in some plays. You were never in The Music Man? Nope. No, what is that? What place were you in? Is that like an Elton John thing? Like church play?

Elton John. Ooh, and a church play. It'd be so elaborate. And they don't even have the right kind of costumes. But I was going off script at the church. Oh, yeah. Cracking jokes, cracking the congregation up. But they never have the outfits.

They never have the costumes. You just go as in your church clothes on stage. No, I feel like my mom would put like a sheet. You know, I was like a wise man or something. Yes, don't like sew some sheets together. I was one of the wise men just killing the jokes. I was like, why do I have this Paisley pillowcase on? Just killing the game.

So, yes, but no musical theater camp. I used to do a lot of musical theater, so I worked with kids doing that. My mom kind of like ran a daycare out of my house growing up. She was trying to get that money. I know. She was trying to get that money. I know. Your mother was hustling.

I'm here for it. On the street. So I've been doing it for a long time. And then I moved to the city, waited tables, and I put an ad on Craigslist looking for babysitting work. And through, like, this fluke weird thing, this very wealthy family responded to my Craigslist post. And I worked for them for six years.

Did you have sex with them? Because if they were on Craigslist. If they were on Craigslist. This was when Craigslist, I think, wasn't as creepy. I think Craigslist has always been creepy. It's always been creepy. Craigslist, when Craig first started the list, it wasn't as creepy. It was for some ass.

It wasn't creepy. But now you can sell your panties on Craigslist. Oh, now it's creeps only. But I feel like Craigslist was always for the creeps. You're probably right. You're probably right. Okay, so six years on the books, they write you out checks or they pay you cash? It was like half and half.

I've done at this point for a few families here and I've done on the book and I've done not but you know it's like a job with a lot of hours I like to be on the book

why? I'm scared of the IRS? girl you good you're fucking good you're scared for the IRS so you'd rather just not make any money because you're afraid of the IRS I'm a little bit scared that I am. Girl, you good.

Girl, you got to gather these legal coins. Build that social security that's not going to be around when you need it. So six years, did you live with them? Were you in-house? No. I didn't live with them, but I traveled with them a lot. Oh, let's talk about that. Where did you guys go?

Where did you guys go? To the Caribbean. Yeah, they stay on that Caribbean tip. Like two months in. Went to the Caribbean, yep. And I actually went over, like, Christmas break. They were Jewish, and I missed. I came home to see my family the day after Christmas.

They were like, what family? You don't have a family. We're a family now. You're ours. Okay, when you go on trips, do they pay you the same amount, or you get extra? Extra. You get, like, that overnight, you know, pay for your time,

for your travel, because you're technically, you know, on call. So, when you were on vacation with him, you were not on vacation. You're working. That's the thing. Did you wear a bikini? I did. I actually had, like, my body was, like, 80 pounds lighter than I did now. Oh, shut up.

What, girl, what? Then that means you were invisible. I was, like, a little skinny mini. You were invisible. Thank you. I was, like, a little skinny mini. Wait, now, is there, like, a nanny you? Great question.

Do you belong to a youth? Well, isn't there the Babysitter's Club? There's a Babysitter's Club with Claudia. And Christy. And Christy. And me. I can't remember who else was in the Babysitter's Club. A lot of us in the club.

Babysitter's Club. Claudia is the legit, the only person that I remember. I know. I just remember Claudia. And then they all had like fanny packs. Was there an Amy Jo or something? Amy Jo, I think maybe. She's somewhere.

They all had fanny packs. Yeah, and windbreakers. I feel like Christy was like the tomboy that's probably a lesbian now. I know, Chrissy's always like the dyke-y one. Is that bad? Really? Yeah, I feel like. Let me say Chrissy.

Remember in Now and Then? You guys remember Now and Then? Chrissy was like a, she was chubby, kind of frumpy. I feel like Chrissy's always a frumpy, frumpy chub. Frumpy chub. Thanks, Chrissy. You're doing well, Cece. Hush your mouth.

So you went on vacation. Went on vacation. Now, the kids are like stuck with you the whole time, and they're like, you know, shacking up in the honeymoon suite. Like, are you in a room with the kids? How does that work? I was in a room with the kids. That's awful.

And they were young at the time. And I was with this family. What if you wanted to masturbate? Like, why would you? I just wouldn't look like a kid. That's so rude. Yeah. What if you want me to work while I'm trying to masturbate?

You know? But I'm sure you would have some off hours, you know? Yeah. I would have off hours. It really wasn't bad at all. Like, I would have time during the day if they'd be like, oh, we're going to hang out with the kids, go chill out by the pool for a few hours, or go do this. Have you ever gotten any D on these trips with the family? No.

No. You know what? I used to. There was a guy who worked at the kids' school who I went on a few dates with. Was he a janitor? Was he the principal? He was. You guys both went in such different directions.

Yeah, she's going to meet us halfway. She's going to meet us halfway. Yes. He worked at like the administration. Also, he was a secretary. Yeah. Basically. Faxing and filing.

Faxing. Sorting. Faxing and mailing. Yeah. Licking those stamps. Licking those stamps and licking that ass. Now, did he lick that ass? No.

But would you have let him? Yes. Administrative? That sounds like he's in power, but he's not. He was also a comedian. Oh. And then he now lives in L.A. That's ruined.

Is he a comic still in L.A.? He's more of an actor now, but he's done, like, legit things. Oh, what has he done? He's been on some HBO shows, little bit parts, but, like, you know, decent parts. Uh-huh. He went to Montreal last year. Did that extra work, huh? Oh, he did?

What's his name? Yeah, for, like, a film. I'm not going to say. Yeah, she can't say. Just write it down and we'll do this. Don't you dare, Marie. Just sign it to me. Rui's always trying to get the dirt.

Name, name. She's all. I'll tell you girls after. She's a Wendy Williams of comedy. She's trying to get your tea. I love Wendy. Don't let her. I love tea.

I love that. I don't care how cold it is. You girls have a good way about you where it's like it's such a relaxed environment. I almost just like spilled my gut. I have my legs wide open. She's literally spread eagle right now. She's got her legs open and she's holding the microphone between her two boobs. Literally between her boobs.

The twixt her breasts. Laying back on the couch could not be more relaxed. You should have seen her when Karen was here. But it puts me at ease that what I was doing here. I put my feet in her armpit. She was laying on the couch and putting her feet in Karen's mouth. Was Karen projectile vomiting? No.

Bitch, what you trying to say about my feet? You actually don't have bad feet at all. I don't know why you make so many jokes. You send the least flattering photos of your feet. Oh, okay. Keep it real. She's like, you need a filter. You need that sepia.

Well, let's talk about it. But these are not bad feet at all. You photographed them to look bad, I think. If I was a child, what would you say about my feet? That they were cute. I would say that I could see your whole vagina right now. That's what I would say. Oh, my God.

Your whole vagina. Do you see how dry it is? It's so dry. It's so dry. It needs some Shea Butters. You don't have any underwear on? No, I do. She does, but it was coming out the side.

I was like, that's... It was roast beef on that ass, yo. and it wasn't just my vagina it was probably like my my rectum and vagina all next i saw like three holes i don't even know we had three dude why didn't i say something i did say something like before though i said it when i saw it oh my god you see something say something wait so christy so you're on these trips oh so you you went on some dates with the kids uh yeah with the guy that I guess we went on a bunch of dates

he was a really nice guy I mean you know I don't want to sound so like it's boring but it was really nice like the whole situation with them

like I can't say a bad thing about them yeah it sounds boring but I mean nannying as a whole is like in the city is such a trip

like you're just exposed to such a crazy different lifestyle because they're ripped because you gotta have money have money for day I mean

money like I couldn't fathom Do you think they know? That they have money? Yeah. Yes. Well, there's, like, new money in the city,

and then there's, like, old money, where it's like, oh, my grandmother was a socialite back in the whatevers, and they live in, like, the townhouses, and then there's, like, new money, where it's like, oh, this guy works on Wall Street, and he just makes bank, and, you know. And we live in Soho now.

Yeah. Yeah. It's such a trip, but it's interesting, like, how the kids are brought. I mean, I sound like so old-fashioned. No, no, no, no. Well, y'all grew up, like, you know, We're, like, the same age, and it's, like, things are so different.

No, no, not Marie. Marie is 23. No, I'm 23 today. Oh, you're 23 today? Happy birthday. Thank you. 23 today. I'll throw you off, right?

You're, like, 23, bitch. She's, like, the same age. I'm doing math in my head. I was, like, I was, like, I was going to stop you right there. I was, like, Marie, don't even let you say same in the same sentence of anything that you're talking about pertaining to her. I'm, like, y'all the same age. Exactly.

Are you guys like 80s babies? We are, we're the same age. But like, you know, I don't know. When I grew up, I didn't have nannies and drivers. No, I had a mom who would leave me in the house with my brother and my sister and be like, don't kill each other. I'll be right back. Exactly. And she would come back and she'd be like, okay, everything's okay.

And if I were like, I'm bored, she'd be like, play a game. Yeah, my mom would be like, go outside. Yeah, it wasn't like this constant need for engagement and stimulation. like, over, it's just, it's too much. Anybody who would take care of me would be a relative or, like, a neighbor. Right. And, like, my mother was not paying them. Like, this was off the strength, like, hey, this my kid, take care of them, I hope I come

back, and the kid is there. Like, that was my mom. My mom used to watch a bunch of kids in the neighborhood. Me too. Like, that's what she would do. Mine too. Yeah, she would, like, babysit, like, all the kids that were, like, around my brother's age, my age, and, like, younger than that.

So it was always kids in my house. Me too. Growing up, I was the same. That's so funny. I was the same way. Always kids in my house, but always like, and I think that's part of the reason why maybe you girls feel the same way, but like why I'm as creative as I am now was because I had a crazy imagination when I was little because I would just be with my sisters or

by myself and I would make shit up and play it. Yeah. So I think it made me really able to entertain myself and to become this creative person. But I think 20 years from now, the kids that are, like, stuck on iPhones and stuck on, like, Twitter and Instagram, like, they're not going to be creative at all. Not at all. There's nothing to do. But they're going to know how to shoot some quick vines, though. Yes.

Some quick vines. Right? I know. Video killed the radio star. I don't know why I said that. I don't know why you said that either. We got a podcast. What's the richest family you've ever worked for?

Well, I definitely wouldn't want to say, like. No, you don't have to say their name. You don't have to be like, the Rockefellers. Honestly, there's only been, like, I'd say two main, main families that I've worked with and, like, a few other families that I've worked with, and they're both, one had a lot of, one was, like, a Wall Street family, and the other one was kind of, like, an older money New York, like, a grant, like, it just, like, passed down through, like, more like trust, I don't know, that kind of money.

So they would pay you in bonds? and gold bars. And like, yeah, like gold bars. It would be like in DuckTales. I would just like dive through like gold coins. Did you ever feel like robbing them? Like ever? Like just wanted to steal some shit?

Yeah. I mean, I think crazy shit all the time and I would never act on these. Yeah. You've never stolen anything from her? Oh my God, never. But it's the thought of like they have so much to spare. She's so good.

She's like, oh my God, never. Like she's been training herself for years. Like, oh my God, never. I would never. I would never. I leave today and my microphones are gone. Everything's gone. Oh, my God.

I would never. Every job I've ever had, I've stolen something from. Me too. Good for you. And I work as a temp. So I'm stealing staples and staples. I mean, I might have, you know. Oh, you see?

You see how we do? I might have accidents. No, this is the stupidest thing, though. But they used to always get, like, these little packets of Kleenex. Okay. You were stealing tissue for your butt? For, like, back to school? Maybe, you know, in the wintertime, if I was taking the kids to, like, ice skating and I knew I'd get a little stuffy.

Well, that's not stealing. That's not stealing. But that's, like, for the well-being of their children. I'm talking about going into the jewelry box and taking the rubies. I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about going into the bathroom and stealing the lotion or the body wash or the rice cakes out the kitchen. I think to myself, they have so much that I truly don't think they'd notice. They buy in bulk.

They do. They love them from Costco. Yeah. Yes. Oh, they love it. They want to buy it in bulk because they don't want to have to go there every week. Oh, yeah, and it's, like, online. Everything's online getting delivered.

You know, they don't go shopping ever. Did you ever have to cook for the kids? I would have to cook, like, very kid-friendly meals. I'm not a cook. Like chicken nuggets? I'm a horrible chef. Yeah. I mean, like, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Cheesy things. Wait, wait. Cece, how you do your mac and cheese? Yeah, how you do your mac and cheese? Well, it would honestly be like Kraft or Velveeta. Oh, you doesn't know. Those kids are going to die.

They're probably dead already, all those kids that you- Wait, how do you make mac and cheese? You don't eat Velveeta? You get real cheese, girl. Sydney, give us your mac and cheese recipe. Ready, go. You get the sharp cheddar. Okay.

I get some monster in there as well. Because you're fancy. That's like $9.79 a pound. Well, I mean, you don't have to put it in everything. You just put it in little parts. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Go ahead. Sharp cheddar and-

White cheddar. Okay. Uh-huh. And then what else? Do the macaroni. Okay. You do elbow, penne, what you use? Elbow.

Elbow. Okay. That's old school. Okay. Going to that, TBC. You do, you have a little bit of milk. You got to put milk in there. Oh, yeah.

That's what they say on the craft boxes, too. Put a little milk. You got a little egg. Put some egg in there. Egg? Yeah. Like a raw egg? Like you crack an egg and mix it in?

Yeah, you mix it in. Oh. So it's stick together. Interesting. I thought that's what the milk was for. Me, too. What does the milk do, then? Well, for the craft box that you're using, the milk is being used because you're putting that powder cheese on it.

I put the powder cheese. That's the activation for it. I wish all my food would be in powder form. No. Wait, so then what else after the egg? Is that the thing? Salt, pepper. Salt, pepper, ketchup?

No, no ketchup. All the condiments? Relish? All the condiments. A little relish, a little pickle? A little pickle, a little mint leaf. So what are you garnishing your macaroni and cheese plate with? Weird.

I do a little bit of bacon. I pull this, sprinkle a little bacon. Oh, that's delicious sounding. Okay. Wow, you got to write that down. You got to write that down for the listeners. Yes. You heard it here first, folks.

Put it on the site. Crack that egg up in them elbows. You guys found your next podcast, Expert in Cooking, right here. I hear you. You heard it here first, folks. That's sexy macaroni and cheese. Sexy macaroni and cheese. Sidney Elizabeth Washington.

Oh my God, that would sell. That's not her name. That will no way near be mine. I was like, I don't think that's her name. That's not what it is. No. Wait, do you have one? Burton.

Burton? Burton. Burton. Burt Reynolds? Is your middle name Burt Reynolds? It's Brickin? Brickin, yeah. Are you for real?

Yes, boo. Really? No, no, ask her why. Why is that your middle name, Sidney? Sidney Britton. My mother, Ramona Washington, would be out here lying. You know, she'd be pulling out all types of fables and fallacies. Like, that was your dad's middle name.

You're like, okay, so wait, but who's my dad, though? Trying to get to that. Oh, his name was Sidney as well. And then you look up Sidney Britton Washington, because that was the last name, too. No, there was no such thing. Just me. No way.

Yeah. Ramona. Ramona? Yeah. Ramona. Ramona. Ramona. That's a beautiful name, Ramona. Okay, so you would cook basic-ass food for the kids. You would cook struggle meals for the children. Yes. I would cook really unhealthy, kid-friendly meals for the kids.

I would really take them everywhere. Sometimes it felt like being a chauffeur in a sense because these kids are so scheduled. So it would be like music class, this class, this class. Take them there. Take them here. All these things. Give them a bath.

Put them to bed. All these places you would take them, and they would still be ridiculous and obnoxious and rude. Why is that? Wait, the kids or the places? The kids. No, the kids were, you know. You had good kids.

I had good kids. Are you saying that on record because you're still getting paid from these people? No, I don't work for them at all anymore. truthfully i've i've met some kids i hate and some families i hate but i've i've been fortunate where my situations have not so even the people i mean for the money they had so what's the down-to-earth what's the suckiest or like the craziest situation you've been in like where the kid was like acting up or like embarrassed you in public or like knocking a bunch of cheerios off the shelf like what's the what's the one moment in your mind that you're like oh i wanted

to kill him oh god there's been a lot of those moments well what like which ones stick out in your mind there was one moment where one of the kids she rolled her eyes in the back of her head is that kid still alive because it seemed like not anymore i got really upset i'm just kidding don't tell us what the bodies are those little bodies where he i think he must have had a conversation with a grown-up and I think he just learned this new thing but he referred to me and the housekeeper and the driver as the help wait what I think it was maybe something a friend told him because it truly wasn't characteristic of him I think he was just learning that like I'm really not a big sister I'm getting paid by mommy and daddy to do this

Which I think, you know, has got to be confusing. Eight or nine when I think that happened. That's old enough to know that that's an asshole move. That's rude as fuck. That's a dick move, Billie. Yeah, Billie. I'll rip your fruit roll-ups up right now. It's hard to, and just overall, growing up, like I grew up with very little money.

So it's like, it's really challenging sometimes, just the little thing. I think the daily things would weigh on me more. and I remember them more than I do any particular instance. Because, like, little things like where, you know, if somebody holds the door open for you, you look at them, you say thank you. Right, right. Or just stuff like this.

But, you know, when you're so, when they're so wealthy, it's just second nature. They're not as aware of how much they have. Right, because they come to expect these things, like, and so they don't appreciate what they have. like us broke folks we get something nice oh for me oh my god i cry is this the unlimited makes it harder to accept things sometimes we have to start to teach ourselves like it's like you know i'm having to learn to be less like oh my god thank you thank you thank you and

more like oh wait i deserve this yes i'm like that's a hard thing this is this is a white woman talking right now she's like but no no i deserve this you heard it you heard it here you know when we get you know when we get more opportunities in comedy i used to be like oh my god thank you i'll i'll do anything i'll perform in your fucking bathroom for free minutes yeah but now we get more things and it's like all right i deserve the kind of you know we all deserve we work hard we should get more yeah for sure yeah but you know people like to feel appreciated and that's why it's reciprocal like i feel like rich people sometimes are not aware of the little things and then i

think sometimes people who are not rich are not aware of like the little things that we don't know are like big deals to other people right right i think it's interesting and not to like switch gears or anything, but I was just thinking that you guys don't. The gear that Cindy was on was not a good gear. You guys may not know this about me, but did you know I'm like literally like a baby whisperer? Like I'm amazing

with kids. Because of your voice. Yeah. I think that's huge. But like with babies, with kids, I have a way of like talking to them. It's like supernatural. Like any kid that ever meets me will love me. And what is it that you do? Do you have snacks in your knapsack?

I give them candy. I take them to my white van. I should not make jokes. I was like, wait, candy? I was writing it down. Mind you, I was here like, Christy got a car? I'm like, what kind of candy? I'm like, oh, she got a car.

Skittles? Well, I'm very, like, imaginative. I'm very good at making up games. I'm really good at improv on the spot, so I can entertain anyone. I can just tell stories. You be yes-handing with these kids. Oh, my God, they love it. But I used to not like babies because I just never liked them.

And now I love babies. I'm afraid of babies. I used to be the same. I used to not want to touch them, go near them. No, I mean like if someone has a baby and they're like, take her. I'm like, no, because I don't want to drop your baby. What if you were sitting down? I still don't really want the baby because it could roll right off my lap.

You are crazy. You know, I've got these hamstrings that just, they roll right off. Marie, as hard as you. Squats. As hard as you. As tight as you hold your purse. You're telling me you can't hold it. I don't hold my purse that tight.

I leave my purse. I'll go out, and if I'm, like, walking around the store and my bag is too heavy, I will leave it in an aisle and then walk away. It'll still be there. You do that? Yes, I do. Really? I leave my bag just out.

I don't think it's too heavy. I'm just going to set it down right here. When I come back. Oh, my God. You would definitely do that with somebody's baby. When I come back, my $12 will still be here. I would do that with somebody's baby. I love.

I used to feel the same way where it was like I worked with a baby like the day they got home from the hospital. Oh, no. Where they're like the most like you literally think you're going to break that thing. Yeah. Don't you think that's weird, Marie, to like have someone that you don't know that well touch your baby the next day? Well, this was like a family I had been with for years at this point had a third. So the mom had a third. Was she postpartum depressed and just gave you the baby?

You know, it was more, it was, like, a really sort of, like, hands-on, a way of, like, helping her. For sure it wasn't, like, here, take, bye. It was, like, being able to kind of, like, assist and get it. And I also kind of wanted it, too, because I never even, like, really changed diapers, the whole thing. You wanted to change a newborn diaper. No, thank you. That came out wrong. I mean, no, but, like, I wanted to, like.

Aren't their first poops their worst poops? I think so. Yeah, they're fucking, you guys would die. You know, that's what I don't really get about nannying or the whole lifestyle is that mothers have that much help from kind of like a stranger. And I just know so many people who are single mothers who don't have help. And they have three kids. They make it work. Yeah.

Like, you can do, if you only have one kid. I know someone who got married, had a kid. had she got a nanny before she even had the baby. Oh, for sure. People, there's teams of people that work for families.

I mean, I nannied with a family that had two other nannies. Three of us. What? And for three kids? Three of us for three kids and a driver and a housekeeper. Imagine you were like,

if I just get these other two motherfuckers out. What the hell does the housekeeper do? I can make more money. I know. Wait, how much money do these people have? I mean, money.

Money where the, you know, the stay-at-home moms. And the mom was home, but she needed a housekeeper and a chef and three nannies and a driver? No. But she was home the whole time? There's just... What, she was watching Maury all day to hell? Yeah.

HSN? That's crazy. It's pretty, it's, you know, it's really insane. And it makes me appreciate my family and my upbringing so much more. So I'm like, thank God. Cece, when you said my family, I thought you were talking about the family that you were a nanny for. oh god so sad no god my real family she's like i love the goldstein yeah so because it's like weird but when you're surrounded by like this weird like different reality and you're the only

normal person sometimes you're like oh my god am i the crazy one right because a lot of those kids have that normal and it's like that's i mean especially in the city and to not have money in the city like me i am not the norm here i mean this is a wealthy city no not everybody here has money though like we ain't got no coins well that's true we're in somebody's apartment who has coins but right for the most part i know everybody who's just like me i know a lot of broke folks i do too i mean yeah i mean the people that do what we do but if you were to like pull people in manhattan i wonder how much of that don't let them pull you don't people be coming out and going out and eating out

and drinking out. Don't let these tailored Burlington Coat Factory suits fool you. They are lying. Okay? Just because it fits nicely doesn't mean... Their card be getting declined left and right. They be on the phone with Chase Bank all night. Like, I could have swore that I had

like two checks that were deposited. Checking account, low. Oh my God, that's me. Savings, $14. Nothing. Oh my God, I love that. That's literally me. Oh, speaking, Cece, what are the rates like? You set your rates? You don't have to say how much you make, but like what's on average?

I'd say average would be $20 to $25. An hour? An hour. But I'm above average. So $26.50. So $1,000. Priceless. so when you go when you're going on vacation with these families are you getting like time and a

half you'd really like sit down with them i think each family's different but you work out an agreement and you just make sure it's like talked about beforehand like hey what are you uh what are you asking me for you know the job might change when we're you know what do you want from me and can we decide what works for both of us and try to work it out but i'm a lot better at it now than i was then but like you know there are like many agencies that are like talent agencies you go to these people and they help you find families and they help you, like, navigate. But you don't use those, right? I have. I've used them

before in, like, meeting a few different families that I worked for, like, kind of part-time. So, like, I have a lot of contacts with that kind of thing. Ooh, she's killing the child care game. She's killing it. But I'm hoping right now I'm not babysitting. I have a question. Today? Well, no, this is my first time in my

life where I'm, like, comedy for a while. Oh. I mean, I'm probably going to end up, like, taking up some catering jobs pretty soon. Tell me the money. Yeah, we're not paying you here. You signed a release already. You ain't getting no money for this. Cece, did any of the dads ever try to hit on you?

Never. Or make inappropriate comments? Never. And never touch your elbow. None of the dads ever were like, let me drive you home. Never touch your knee. And then reach across your knee. Never looked at me with a come hither stare. Never.

Have you ever walked in? I wish I could tell you more dirt, but never. Have you ever – we're going to find some dirt. Have you ever walked in on, like, the mom and dad in, like, a weird position or, like, they looked like they was getting it in right before you and the kids got there? No, because I hardly see the dads. They're never around.

They're working. You hear that? See? White people and guys. White children with money also don't see their dads. The father. You see that? They're working.

I truly – it would be rare that I would see them with the mom and the kids and us together so what were the moms like did you like were they like really difficult like type a personalities or like who it's yes it's funny because they're all very very wealthy but very very different yeah you know like very i'd say as like a general thing very like concerned with appearances yes oh yeah yeah i think a lot of you know moms in the city who have kids and not i'm not saying this is even the people i worked for because i didn't go this way with them but A lot of families that I know would be like, it's almost like they want to show off their kids wearing Dolce & Gabbana dresses that they'll outgrow in three months because it's like a trophy. So that kind of stuff is just so, that's why I don't feel bad saying hey.

What do they do with this Dolce & Gabbana outfit that they outgrow in three months? Do they give it to you? Have they ever given you any good stuff? Yes. Ooh, talk about it. I used to get great, ooh, talk about it. Yeah, speak on that. I used to get, like, one time, we were walking, like, me and the mom, and, like, I was pushing the kids in the stroller, and we were together.

Because the mom was like, I can't push it, I just did my nails. But we walked by Aldo. They used to live by an Aldo store, and she was like, oh, I love those shoes, and we're just kind of, like, looking in the window, and I was like, oh, my God, I really love these. The next day, she got them for me. Aldo? She'd gotten me great for my birthday and for Christmas.

Huge bonuses. Huge gifts. Aldo. Now, I feel like if I'm walking on the Upper West Side, Upper East Side. Speak on it, Marie. And we passing an Aldo and you like, oh, those are cute. Okay, no, because everything is up there. Speak on it.

So if you don't get me something the next day and I'm here pushing your snot-nosed child in this double-wide stroller, you won't get me some Louboutins or some Dolce & Gabbana or some Sandy Slippers. No Chanel. No Chanel. No Louis Vuitton. Not this time. No Gucci.

No nothing. But, you know, she didn't kind of think of what she got me any. You know what was great, though, which I don't think you girls are going to appreciate? Okay, go ahead. Tell us what it is. When she would get rid of things that didn't fit her anymore. Okay. I mean.

So, like, her. I would gladly take these Ugg boots that you wore twice last winter on your hands. Cece. And I would take this little jacket. One of them would be bad because one of the jackets that I ended up taking was like a maternity jacket.

But it fit though. It fit me perfectly. If the jacket fits, it's too legit to quit. You gotta keep that jacket. I think that's a pretty good, I mean you guys would take, look at you, you're

wearing Karen's skirt. Oh, Cece brought it out. She said, look, bitch, you're wearing Karen's hand-me-downs. But this is the limited stuff. This is nothing wrong with it. It's adorable. I would wear all the clothes if I fit.

Listen, I'm just saying, like, if we, Aldo, like, that's jump change for her. She probably doesn't own anything, Aldo. You got to keep it in perspective. It's like, I don't feel bad expecting that Christmas bonus. But she only got you one pair, and Aldo, she could afford you three pairs. She could have got a couple in the sale rack as well. You could have got everything in the front display. That's what I don't like about rich people.

I felt very taken care of, though. No, I never felt taken care of. When a rich person, right? That's something for you? Spends a lot of money at my bar, right? I expect to get a really nice tip. Like, you spent all this money on things that I had to bring. Yeah.

The fuck? Come up off that paper. If you spend $200 on one shot of, like, what is a $200 shot? Like a really, really nice tequila. Are you serious? Yeah. People will spend $200 on one shot. That's so stupid.

Yeah. And then you'll be like, did you really just give me a $2 tip? Oh. Oh. Oh, so you can pay for the drink. You just don't want to tip me. Oh, okay. Good to know.

Well, thinking about it in perspective. so the shot that you're pouring is expensive yes but the amount of work that you're putting into pouring it is not more than if you were pouring no you know a rancho tequila or whatever that's what i'm saying it's the same amount of work if you want to get if you want to get regular service like if you just want somebody to pour it and you want to tip them regular you go to the bartender you don't have a waitress who got her titties out who wearing six inches of heels, wearing another bitch's hair on top of it. You don't do that.

Oh, I hear what you're saying. You tip me accordingly. You are paying the luxury to get all this. You pay me accordingly. Well, you know what you gotta do? You gotta tip a tip in the shot. Tip a tip in the shot. Boop, boop. Oh, my boob fell. My nipple fell in your shot.

That's how you get the big tip, girl. Not doing that anymore. I'm not doing that anymore. I've moved on, guys. I have people pay me just because i'm doing a good job have you ever had like working with kids and i imagine would be almost similar like working with drunk people oh absolutely absolutely the same mental capacity i can't find my shoes yeah hey bro are my shoes on the right feet how do i get out of here

Oh, it says restrooms, but is the restrooms there? Uh-oh. I think I peed myself. I think this is my drink. I think somebody took my drink. Oh, I dropped it. What do you mean, no? I want to go.

What do you mean, no? I want to go now. Where's my Uber? I want to talk to your manager right now. Exactly. It's the same kind of thing. And then you get the manager. You're like.

The manager's like, you got to go. Go home and sleep at home. You'll feel better in the morning. And kids are very honest, which I can also imagine drunk people being very honest. Kids will say, one time I asked this kid, hey, do I have anything? We were eating corn on the cob at like a cookout. I don't know why I asked him that, but I was like, do I have anything? On Monday, me and Marie, we were at my job.

And this guy, who we later found out was a magician, He came up to me and said, you're very dark. What? Yeah, and I was like, what? Wait, what? I said, that doesn't sound right. That's not a compliment. He's like, you're dark, you know, like you're making me look so bad.

You're so dark, I'm like pale, I'm like. Wait, is he, was he, I don't understand. He was trying to hit on her. Yeah, that was his opener. Was he a black man? He was a pale Jewish man. He looked like a Weinstein or a Shorts. What an idiot.

He looked like a melted John Travolta. I don't like that. You're very dark. And then he was like, sensual chocolate. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything was worse than the thing you said before. Yeah, this one kid, when I asked him if I had anything on my teeth, he goes, no, just a lot of yellow.

Oh, man. I was like, oh, man, but you can't even, like, he didn't even mean it as a diss. I was just like, okay. But your voice is perfect. You sound like the kid. Do it again. I'm like, whoops. He's like, no, just a lot of yellow.

Christy, you got this voice, and it's dope, okay? Now, does anybody else in your family sound like this? A little bit, my little sister. My mom, my dad do not at all. My older sister, not really. My little sister can do an impression of me because it's a little similar. So if you were to call, you know, my little sister sounds a lot. You'd think it was me if she were doing a Christy voice.

Call her up. No, let's call it. Let's have a phone in when you would kill me when you when people call you for like jobs and stuff You put mommy on the phone watch their kids and you pick up here like Are they like a wrong number Why did you sound like you had a list? I actually do like have a little I just have a really bad really Yeah, I had to take like speed. I was in speech classes. Are you had a speech? you were in speech imagine this voice with Elizabeth

out of control you can hear it like my tongue I went to the store with my dad this week so Christy we've come to the portion of the podcast where we quiz your ass we gonna quiz that ass I don't want this to be over

I know well we gotta end it so we can turn the AC back on alright I'm excited for this quiz I love quizzes. This is like a really serious quiz. I do really well. Take it serious. Oh, God.

Do you have notes? Oh, yeah, we got notes. Don't fucking cheat, Cece. I know how you kids do. All right. I'm not going to cheat. Wait, what do I get if I do well? You just get points.

Yeah. Points for what? That you can use to cash in for tickets. To warm up? You can use the tickets to get a prize at Sports Plus. Now, is you ready or ain't you ready? I is. Okay.

You know nursery rhymes? Hell yeah. How white was Mary's little leg? As white as snow. Bam, bitch. You didn't even blink your eyes, yo. That's the point. That's the point.

That's a whole point right there. I thought that was going to be a trick. I know. I was like, is this a joke? I'm walking right into it. No, that was a real question. That was great. That was a great question.

Thank you. Thank you. We did so much research for these. Yeah. Name two characters from Frozen. Elsa and Anna. Boom. Can you name a third?

Olaf. Olaf. You said Olaf. I love Frozen. I love Frozen. Olaf was that dude. I wish the whole quiz was about Frozen. Olaf.

You guys seen it? That's a good name. I've seen it. Olaf was my favorite. Oh, he's the best. In summer. I love Olaf. is there anything can you sing like a like a couple bars of some olaf songs i can do frozen

songs okay yeah just go ahead okay knock knock knock okay that was that was a knock do you want to build a snowman come on let's go and play i'll never see you anymore come out the door it's like i've gone away we used to be best buddies now we're not i wish they could tell me Oh, you hit them. If you want to be a snowman, okay, bye. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Oh, I thought it was fine.

I thought it was bye. Okay, bye. Mad sad and dejected. Tell me what. I really hit that note. Yes, you did. You had like Rihanna in there. You smacked the hell out of that note.

Yeah. Oh, that was so good. Now here's the It's going to be a hard one Okay What's the most effective way To get a kid to shut the hell up According to you guys

No according to you How do you shut a baby up Or a child Like you're out and they're like I know you're not You know it's hard because it's very Circumstantial But I think you have to assert the dominance

So you'd be like, I'm counting. One. But I think it's process of elimination. You've got to think, why are they crying? Joseph. Why is this happening? Joseph. Are they hungry?

Are they tired? What do they really need? You have to say their name three times so they know you mean business. Say their name three times. Say their first and middle name. Christopher Robin. Sydney Elizabeth. Sydney Elizabeth Britton.

Why? Ramona Washington. Stupid. Sydney, Britain. That sounds weird. Marie, what's your middle name? Samuel. Shut up.

Marie Samuel? Marie Samuel. Molly Samuel? Yep. Very close. It's Marie Samuel. Marie. Wow, that's so sexual.

So that's what my mom calls me, is Molly Samuel. Or Moy. They over there trying to make that regular ass name all fancy. It's French. It's French, Sydney. Okay? Marie? We better than you.

I'm like advanced black did I answer that question right no you didn't answer it what's the most effective way you said it depends on the circumstance but how do you then get them to shut up

how do I get them to shut up are you shaking them give them ice cream okay so diabetes is your response giving them the sugar how do you get them

to stop give them up is it a baby or a kid how would you shut up a baby and how would you shut up a kid yeah shut up a baby I don't

with a bottle or a nap you gotta figure out what they want If you pull that titty out, you're going to get that titty. You've got to give them the right titty. They love the right titty. I just think this is a loaded question.

I think a kid, you've got to pull out your left titty. I'm not going to pull out my titty during any time of distress. That's never the answer to a problem. Oh, come on now. It was an answer for Sidney not getting that tip the other day. Shut the fuck up. Okay. Name the top three Pixar movies

Pixar Pixar Finding Nemo Yes Toy Story Yes And Inside Out No not Inside Out

That one was kind of cute But not top Pixar Oh oh Up I liked Up I did like Up Were those the ones that I win? Well I didn't

I didn't do the research I wanted to know What your top three were but they fell in they fell in suit with us oh I also like Monsters Inc a lot I didn't see that

oh it's I don't know if it's because DreamWorks I think it's the same in my mind I consider them the same I feel like it's DreamWorks Pixar

I think they are the same isn't it Disney Pixar and DreamWorks something else oh I honestly don't know probably probably

I think what you just said I liked Up I liked I liked Finding Nemo but I don't think I liked it as much as everybody else I don't love

Finding Nemo I actually don't love Toy Story it just came to mind How dare you? Toy Story was great. The greatest Pixar movie of all time, though? Yes. Really?

Toy Story's about a fucking cowboy and an astronaut. Did you see Croods or Groods or whatever the hell those guys are? No. I don't have interest in gross or stupid movies. Croods? I think they were like cavemen. Okay, well, here's the last question. Oh, my God, I can't wait. I'm really nailing it.

You are. I think you've got like 15 points. I only have four questions. Thank you. It was that Bye Okay bye Okay Okay

I have to be the sign out For this podcast How old Is Marie 23 Is Is 27 months How old is 27 months

What does it come down to Two years and three months No Two years and three Am I right Are we how old How many months 27

27 24 Yeah Two years and three months Hey Sydney, did you want to check the math? Oh my God, I'm so proud of you, Cece. You are the unofficial expert.

Thank you. You won. Killing the child care game. You won. Thank you, guys. We don't have any money for you. But you knew that when you got here. Oh, I knew that.

Oh, we gave you fruit. We gave you fruit. And water. And bottled water. I drank all my cold water. Yes, you did. You're a good girl. You're a good girl.

You're a good girl. You're so big. You're such a big girl. You're so big. No, you don't say that to a grown-ass woman. You say that to a baby, but a grown-ass woman, you're like, no, I don't want to be big. Cece, you got anything you want to plug? Come see White Chocolate every Sunday at the Standing Room.

I co-host it with Petey Diabro. Ooh, Petey, who has done the show. The Hope of the Hood. Petey's the Hope of the Hood. He was our hood expert. He is. He's so good. Hard body karate.

Hard body karate. He is. Official tissue referee with the whistle. Oh, my. Y'all be hanging out? I love him. Clearly. You do know Pete words.

That's all his words. I love them. But yeah, check out those stuff. Or my Twitter, my website is at ChristyCello. ChristyCello.com. I made my website myself. I'm really proud of it. We're so proud of you, Cece.

Thank you girls so much for having me. This was the most fun. We have a lot of fun here. But you know, we're experts at just having a good time and wasting a lot of time. We really are. We've made this something out of nothing. You're the best and you run one of the best shows in the city. Keep going.

Yeah, you did it a couple. It's the best. You have to. Everybody come check it out at Karma. it's the best show everyone wants to get on it everyone's asking me how to get on it I'm like you just gotta be so funny

and the girls will find you we gotta sign off wait can you give us a little sign off okay bye thank you so much this has been the unofficial expert I'm Sydney, I'm Marie okay bye

for you the listeners of unofficial expert podcast zip car is offering $25 of free driving credit at zipcar.com. To earn $25 of free driving credit, go to joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts. Again, that's joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts to earn free driving credit.