MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The New Jersey Expert" with Chris Gethard

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Chris Gethard joins the pod this week as our New Jersey Expert! Chris talks about a typical day in the life as a new dad, his past living it up in New York, and the best foods you can find in NJ. Plus, Sydnee talks about the recent heatwave in NY and we all recap our pride weekends.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcast----FOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Well, I was late to the episode today because my assistant didn't tell me that today was Wednesday. Yeah, yeah. After that viral episode of Molly the Assistant, I think you might need her, Marie. Sydney, I'm not doing this with you. This is not part two of that episode.

And you said that you want her, you have her, and I love that for you. How are you doing today, friend? I am doing, I'm doing, I'm doing good. I don't say great, but I'm doing good. This was, yesterday was my last day of work, and I didn't even have work. Your last day of work? Yeah, I've had a day job for a month now. Oh, wow.

And I was in a writer's room, and it ended today. They're going to start back up in October, so it's beautiful. This is what I needed. Wow. Yeah. Work for a month, retired for the rest of the year. Yeah. Grr.

Yeah, so. You know, it is very hot in New York where we have a heat wave. just truly i love a cute like 80 degrees 75 at night but 80 degrees during the day so this is 75 at night is a nice temperature yeah yeah i i'm not here for this sweltering like oh my god dripping soaking wet feeling 97 degrees i pulled up my skirt last night i had a long i had a long skirt on and i lifted it all the way up because i was walking and it just it was a swamp it was a swamp walk sorry hold on you lifted your skirt up to where babe to people need the visual okay so i'm walking in the street with rosebud and uh we were walking

for several blocks maybe 10 blocks and what was going on underneath the skirt the long skirt hit below my knee so I lifted the skirt all the way up to like mid thigh because whatever because you belong to the streets babe yes yeah it was just too hot I was sweating it was damp also what 10 blocks were you guys walking yesterday Sydney I feel like the way you'd be exaggerating I don't believe it was actually 10 blocks it might have been two blocks no you could call Rosebud we walked we we walked from the lower east side all the way to 22nd street that's more than how many but i'm but i'm telling you stop but i'm maria i'm not doing this with you how many times did you stop we didn't stop i didn't my legs didn't itch because i've been walking

you jump started me walking in new orleans you helped me i like to thank you i made you walk a couple blocks in new orleans and now you're a professional walker babe she's going to tokyo yeah um wow yeah how are you how are you doing how are you doing marie girl you know i'm doing well yeah the voice says it all friend the voice you know i'm doing well i'm here with my listen it's so hot that like today's not a wig day today's not today is just you gonna get what you get um i just feel like i need to be completely naked today yeah and that's i mean i have on a shirt but um you do look naked you do thank you absolutely i was like this is how you showing up for the guests come on now yeah yeah the guest isn't tempted by me i was like yeah it's gonna

be a safe space um but yeah i'm doing well you know i uh we had a crazy weekend i had a very crazy weekend thank you so much i didn't know where i wanted to start with that but um you know i'm just happy to be alive and grateful to be cute and um you know have a high self-esteem did you get some dick last night this is crazy i'm just happy that you know i'm alive that sounds like you got i did not get any dick last okay all right unfortunately it's on the to did list get some dick is near the bottom because i had a i got to clean my house i don't know if you can see behind me but you shouldn't be able to because that's the place to my shoulders oh my god it looks like hiroshima back there but um there's a pile of wigs by the sink it's just my house looks

you're a busy bee you're a busy bee you're at high in demand i mean girl what the the stunts we were pulling for pride weekend first of all i'm proud of you the pride is in our friendship you were you were a good uh partner partner in crime partner and petty and now you are an ally yeah yeah we had a good pride andrew what did you do for pride weekend um on sunday i uh had a little picnic in the park with some friends major faux pas by inviting my straight friend and the girl that he's seeing as we're packing up we ate we drank everything for a couple hours he and this girl that he's seeing are like we're going to the bathroom we don't see them for 45 minutes and then they come back this girl is like freshly 21 also very annoying the entire day

i'm just like i hated this so much they came back 45 minutes later yeah what were they doing they were they were doing heterosexual things on gay day um which is actually homophobic that's what i thought too yeah no no no it absolutely is you it's not allowed yeah i was like are you kidding you're wasting our one day we're all waiting for you yeah we were all rooting for you but also did they help pack up the picnic stuff or they just did they bring anything to the table except their heterosexuality no they brought some spike seltzers you know but it's truly um but yeah just i did i hated it yeah so heterosexual people straight people doing things on pride weekend is a no-no i mean when you're when you're taking up time i wouldn't have been

as ticked off about it if they like went in the middle of the day but we were all packing up and they knew that we were getting ready to leave and then they were like we're gonna make them wait 45 minutes you should have left them well i was like maybe they're throwing up maybe they're having bad boom booms or something you know 45 minute boom boom i don't know is that is that what we're calling it now boom booms excuse me i'm going to go boom boom go into the boom boom room going to the boom boom room i like that actually that's hot yeah going to the boom boom i like that actually i actually i actually kissed a straight man on pride so yeah yeah yeah but you were also propositioned by you know oh lady so i mean you you're you're verse you're verse marie

you're doing great work yeah but i kissed the straight man in front of a gay club but we had to cross the street i he was like is it would it be is it okay if we make out in front of this gay place self-aware i said yeah no we should cross the street because i understand what my role is you know what i mean what was the assignment sis the assignment was to uh you know just get what i get and i get upset so we did it across the street and um you know it didn't took us 45 minutes to do it yeah sorry to hear that it was a kiss so um uh boom boom room is the new vernacular add that to your unofficial expert dictionary yes please speaking of boom booms um we have a guest today that is from a place that i like to call a boom boom place

it's yucky to me and the guest is gonna try to convince us otherwise yeah um very funny dude you've heard had seen him in brooklyn before um i'm sure but give it up for our new jersey expert chris gethard hi chris hey chris how are you how's it going it's not a boom boom place i know A boom boom means shit. I figured that out. It's not a boom boom. I promise. Why?

Why? I don't believe. I mean, first of all, up top, I know I'm aggressive here. I hate New Jersey drivers. They are the most aggressive. They're going everywhere fast, but they don't even know where the hell they're going. Okay. Well, we're coming out of the gate swinging.

Okay. I apologize. I should have eased in. I should have eased in. No, it's okay. We didn't even ask Chris how he was doing. yeah you're right i have to no no no asking me what i did on pride weekend you're right you're right you know what i was getting ready to do that hold on let me put a pin in it put a pin

in that and chris how the fuck are you man how the fuck are you i'm doing great not as good as marie but pretty good pretty good i've never i've never once in my life had confidence uh in the in the way you had answering the question how are you not one time have i been like doing good to the point where people ask me if i caught some dick no one's ever i've never had confidence that's gotten there that quickly have you ever caught some dick well you know i've uh i've explored i've explored my uh no i'm a married to a woman i'm married to a great answer great answer chris for sure i made sure i made sure but you know what it is in the way that i answered how i answered so many days feel black that when you then when there's a day that you wake up and you're like

oh yeah i could get up and wash some dishes or you know what today's the day i'm folding that laundry put it like the the days are so boom boom that when there's a good one you're like what an amazing day to be alive but i always think of you this way because because you and i have like done shows together from time to time but i wouldn't you know like we've crossed paths and been in the same room and it's been nothing nothing but pleasant and always a joy to watch you but i remember i don't know if it was the first show we did together but it was one of the first ones it was at that place the old synagogue place up on mr parkway murmur is it oh yes yes we did a show there and i watched your set and i remember they introduced you

and just the way you walked up on stage i was like i wish that i have i i i wish that at some point in my life i had a confident 30 seconds akin to the 30 seconds it took you to walk on stage because you visibly were it was like watching it was almost like a choreographer had mapped out the way you walked onto stage and owned the room before you said a word and i'm not trying to blow smoke like it's no you you're absolutely right you're right i actually love that you remember that because i don't remember that but also what was i wearing because maybe what i was wearing is what was helping me walk the way i walked you whatever it was you walked up on stage and that room is a good room but it's also hard because it's like a cavern it's like

cavernous and you walked in and it had been an up and down show and before you said a word they were like we're okay we'll listen to you what the fuck do you have to say to us because you clearly are in control and we are in safe hands and I was like holy shit this is a confident human being

that's always been my impression on you thank you Chris I love that you're welcome she's very Haitian I used to not like people with the name Chris

but now I like people named Chris again just across the board so I have two strikes Jersey and Chris no I like no I like you Chris

so I'm I'm an exception to the Chris rule absolutely you just fixed it for all the other ones Christopher Christian

is there any delineate is one better than the other is it anything that leads to chris yes anything at least okay okay most people just call me gethard though so oh gethard okay well so you had a good pride you remember me at the synagogue do you have a sydney memory oh so many sydney memories i remember sydney do you want to hear the first time i heard about you i think you'll love it okay i think you'll love it let's go um i'm i'd like to i actually will say i pride myself i'm not much of a shit talker um i do enjoy i i like gossip only in the sense of wanting to know what's going on wanting to know who's good wanting to know if there's any people like somebody will be like oh this person's kind of a fucking troublemaker a faker whatever i'm

like oh that's good to know because i'm not around as much i'm older you know i've like spanned a few generations and kind of don't really have a crew so to speak i just kind of do my own chris you keep saying you're older but like i don't know i feel like so old and irrelevant we'll get into it but there's a stretch where a lot of comedians got a little bitter in a way that i think where i understand but i also think it was just bitterness where there were there was a thing of like hot comedians a few years ago where it was like oh here comes all these people where their act is about how hot they are and a mutual friend of ours was like there's these hot comedians and my friend was being a little shit ducky a little catty and was like and the whole thing is just

people talking about how hot they are like who the fuck cares and then this person goes except probably the fucking hottest comedian out there right now sydney washington who fucking brings it and is hot and doesn't apologize for being hot but it's the one where it's the fucking like sydney's the shit so don't paint sydney with that same brush so in shit talking a whole sort of trend said Sydney is a part of this trend in the sense that

Sydney's fucking hot but also you're gonna fucking and it proved true I was like yeah that's that's a real deal that's not a fake

that's not a fake look at Chris in his bag today Chris is in the bag right now in his bag today I guess I guess I like New Jersey now

wow I wonder if you can guess who told me that Christy Carmen Carmen Carmen Christopher

Aw We love Carmen So there's another Christopher But I guess Does last name Circumvent the Chris thing No no no

No no no And I mean we like him So yeah Yeah he made a point He's like Sidney's the shit Like don't Aw

Carmen is a sweetie And he's so funny And there's nobody Like Carmen So I like that And he wasn't I also want to be clear About this too

Because now that I Added his name He wasn't like Oh these fucking Hot comedians are all fake It was more There's a lot of No, no, Carmen was talking shit.

And this is, you know, just filling me in. But also, that happens, right? Where all of a sudden it'll be like, here's like, momentum gets rolling through one or two really good people. And it's like, oh, now there's a whole bunch of people, you know? So it was just that. It wasn't too bad, the shit talk. Carmen's the best. He's one of the nicest guys.

He is. He doesn't shit talk. So he actually tells the facts. No, he tells it like it is. He's one of my only, like, comedy friends at this point. So he just fills me in on everything that's going on. Damn, Chris, you moved to New Jersey. You ain't got no friends, huh?

I've never had any friends. I think everybody hates me. I always have. That's not true. Nobody hates you. Chris? I'm intellectually aware that no one hates me and emotionally convinced at all times that a lot of people.

I was convinced for three years that Dan Licata hates me, and I don't know if Dan Licata can feel hate. He's the nicest boy. He's so sweet. Yes, and he and I are friends. But now here's my question. Yeah. so what's an average day in the day of the life of chris gethard now because you know we we spend

days calling friends and texting people but like what if you don't have any friends and you don't have a crew what is i mean you have a crew it's your family but like i'll describe my day to you and you'll start to i think you'll see here's where i'm at here's exactly where i'm at i have a beautiful life and i sometimes stop and i take a breath i go i was a workaholic for 20 years and i did things my way and then i have to stop and remember i did that to get to this point and that's a beautiful thing but you'll see where my insecurity comes from so average day is about anywhere from 7 15 to 7 45 a.m my son will start crying in his crib i will wake up um i will read him a book i will pray that it's not dr seuss because dr seuss does not hold up

Dr. Seuss is bad. Dr. Seuss books are bad. Canceled. He was canceled recently. Even the stuff that wasn't canceled, it's just nonsense. It's just like Florida and Dargo from the kingdom of Cargill. Wait, why is he canceled? Oh, he got canceled.

His own family. Well, he's dead, so that's the ultimate cancellation. Also, fun fact, not a real doctor. No. Ted Geisel? Yeah, he made up that Dr. Seuss name. He had some books that were really anti-Semitic and anti-Asian stuff because he was you know old school like fucking closed-minded world war ii so they his his estate

that was his estate pulled the books they were like this isn't a good look and then people were like how are you going to cancel dr seuss and it's like because we're his own we're his grandchildren like yeah it's okay so his people pulled the books but then was there an announcement made because it was trending on twitter they could have just quietly pulled the books true yeah they pulled four or five books and people flipped out and were like how you're gonna cancel dr seuss and it was like his own estate did it also it was books that like we didn't really know no never heard of it it wasn't one fish two fish red fish no it wasn't green eggs and ham at all no it was like my conf it was weird um so yeah i i wake up i read my son a couple books i'll feed him

breakfast this usually means um he'll grab a couple trucks and sit in his high chair i'll cook an egg or maybe some toast with peanut butter and then um at some point uh we'll go play outside a little bit and at this point it's 9 a.m wow it's around 9 a.m this is on the days when i wake up early if this so my wife will have slept in a little bit she'll take over i'll take a shower and then i'll come up to this weird little side spare bedroom in my house i bought a house in jersey wow i'll do some writing or i'll do some podcasts like this or i'll record my podcast at some point i'll probably work on the lawn i'll lay down some fertilizers or some grass wait hold on chris yeah i'm telling you it's sad it's roll it back

I was telling you before we started recording I'm lame now And it's true And we're at like 9.30, 10am And you guys are already getting sad for my life Well I was sad when you said 6.15, 7.25 I couldn't relate I couldn't relate to that

Put the baby in the spare bedroom and shut the door I used to live in Greenpoint and do Molly Like within the past decade Can you give me your day Pre-New Jersey life Pre-family oh my god 2012 let's say 2012 i met my wife at the end of 2012 so we could say that was the last year before i transitioned into domestic life and learning how that works now there were a bunch of

years after that but let's say 2012 i had a summer where i got addicted to adderall i fell off the wagon and did a bunch of molly all summer i was living i was doing the thing you were living while you were killing yourself oh yeah i was like my pupils were dilated for an entire summer really Yeah. But that's the time you should do it. It's the summertime. You're supposed to do it in the summer. I wouldn't be judging you if you were doing it in the winter.

But what were you taking the Molly to do? You were just running errands? You were going to Trader Joe's on Molly? Just to fucking... What? Just to go apeshit. Just to go apeshit. I performed at Bonnaroo.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah, and I've been sober many years, and a friend of mine was like, you should try Molly. It's really chill. And I forgot the problem is that I am not chill when it comes to drugs. Who the fuck?

now who the fuck told you you were sober when they when they off i hope you don't speak to that person no more i do one of my best friends to this day carmen christopher carmen christopher all carmen it all goes back to carmen christopher we got real fucked up on molly and he told me how hot you were that's that's it well we got to get him back on the we got to get him on the pod now yeah yeah yeah yes um so yeah and then what'll happen i'll work a little bit i'll eat lunch i'll work a little bit more i'll usually we were on the molly we were on the molly oh yeah okay yeah how did you and your wife meet in 2012 oh so you'll like this so my wife was the band leader on my old tv show so i was doing my public access show which was like because keep in mind even

right there you can see like i'm talking about like waking up and reading my son books and like you're all like you have to wake up at 7 30 i used to have the public access tv show which was like this underground fucking counterculture thing it was cool in its day i was cool you had a you had a cool you had a cult following cults i did i did your i did it before and it was you had people outside the dough yeah it was wild it was wild so my wife was the band leader and she's very very cool she was in all sorts of experimental theater she was in those shows de la guarda and fuerza bruta and like no way the people and union square you know the poster with the redhead in the water that's my wife in the in the subway poster for fuerza bruta if you ever saw it back in the

day it's my wife in the poster is my understanding um and she was in rent and stomp like she's fucking cool no way yeah so and then she was in these punk bands i like she played music on my show and i started to get the sense so i was having this summer if you go back and watch old episodes of my show from 2012 you can see that i'm dropping like two pounds a week because i got addicted to adderall after the molly thing i went all in i had i've been prescribed adderall i just went let's just go let's just treat this shit like jelly beans so i looked good and i was skinny and i was staying up all night and hanging out but i was losing it and you're skinny yeah i was really i didn't have my trademark paunch which the new york times once reviewed my one-man show and

inexplicably had to note that i have a paunchy belly which i didn't love um the new york times is so shady yeah a little bit yeah but yeah so she and i would be going out all night and we were going dancing a lot me and some of my some of my hipster brooklyn friends dancing yeah i would go dance and we'd go dancing at the cove in williamsburg and the woods in williamsburg i don't even know if those places are still open um never heard of it yeah and and oh and then so long story short we were walking home together one night we lived in the same general area and i had sensed that maybe there was some rotation there and i like was like hey like this is where we usually

I usually go left here and you go right but it's kind of late like do you want to ride home because my car is parked right over here and she looked at me and was like

no like laughed like she was like no oh the car didn't get her hot and bothered she didn't want to ride because that

I always maintain I always kept a car the whole time I lived in New York City because it was the jersey in me I always had a car and you're right having a car

good thing for dating really good thing for dating great thing for dating great thing and she laughed it off and I could just tell I was like, Oh, she sees that I don't have my shit together at all. So it was kind of an epic tale then where I had a friend

who realized I was kind of losing my mind. He brought me to Brazil. That was a whole thing. And that was kind of like. How many threesomes did you have in Brazil? Well, that was the whole thing was he was just he's a friend of mine who's like pretty wild, but a very wise guy, not like a mobster, but like has wisdom.

And he was like, he had he directed. no he was uh he had a film he he's a director great director named antonio campos and he had a film in a festival in rio he was like we're going to rio you're coming he's like i gotta get you out of new york because you're in trouble he's like and he's like and i'm not telling you to cool out but i'm saying rio is a place where you're gonna go off the grid and if you want to go nuts you can go more nuts in rio than you can anywhere else and if you okay so you went down there's some ayahuasca well at first i thought i almost did how did you know because i feel like if i was gonna do ayahuasca i would do it in brazil i found a church on a mountaintop where

i could have done ayahuasca but instead i chilled out and then i got back to get i came back to new york and my wife and i i hung out with her again and she saw that i had spent a few weeks getting my head together and we wound up making out at you guessed it union pool i thought you were say at pride no if only came that full circle no union pool the traditional place where if you want to make out in brooklyn just go to union pool stay till a certain time of night you'll make out is union pool still a thing i don't know if it's still around but that's where i first made out with my wife okay so now you live in new jersey yes people new jersey gets a bad rap from people who live in new york because in my brain new jersey and staten island is where we send you

know our recycling and stuff so is where does that come from is new jersey a trash state or not let's see to answer the question honestly it is there are a lot of landfills and like i'm not gonna lie everybody's flown into the norc airport like i know what you see when you fly in there i know that when you take that train from norc back into penn station you're not seeing anything that looks good and it is gross and the people are aggressive and the people do drive you know really terribly and they will kind of like do something that puts you in danger and then if you honk at them they'll try to stop the car and fight you like you're not wrong about New Jersey driving at all Sid but I would also argue that that's the that's kind of the stuff we let you see

and when you get beyond that it's like first of all one of the most physically beautiful places you'll ever see and i also would argue like if you got sent to war you would want the person in the trench next to you to be from new jersey because that person if they decide they like you that person will do unspeakable horrors to protect you because when people from new jersey love someone or something they go to the ends of the earth to protect it i think a lot of great art comes out of new jersey i think a lot of great food comes out of new jersey what what famous people have come out of new jersey chris are you on molly right now because i'm like what the journey you the journey you took me on right there bruce springsteen's from new jersey uh

meryl streep okay meryl streep you could just start there we got meryl streep john stewart is from new jersey okay um let's see on warwick whitney houston yeah and if you want oh no no whitney is from newark which is a different sector of new jersey well i'm from essex county Whitney's from Newark raised in East Orange I'm born and raised in West Orange so you're basically Whitney Houston I'm from Whitney Houston I am from a town

come on Chris Whitney I am from a town where if you I am from a town where notoriously every type of human being it's the most dense that's the other thing it's the most densely populated state so my freshman year in high school

they told us there were 45 native languages spoken in my class in my school and that was in 1996 i entered high school because i'm in my 40s so that's like that's a level of diversity people would pray for today and i had that in the 90s when no one gave a about diversity there was every type of person there were people in my lunchroom who had moved to the country less than a week ago and in the same lunchroom with like the children of ceos like everyone's on top of everybody so you get to know each other fast like my house I'm not kidding when I used to walk from my house to this area of Montclair where you used to be able to go shopping and I would walk from my kind of like lower middle class neighborhood into Montclair past Whitney Houston's mansion like that there is nice Montclair is nice like really nice Yogi Berra like the old catcher from the Yankees you pass his house then you'd walk the same distance in the other direction and it would be like an outright dangerous area.

So you just kind of get, I feel like Jersey people are very comfortable around everybody. And I think they're very able to read a room. No, no, no, no, no. I think Jersey people are too fucking comfortable. In what sense? In what sense? They think every place is Jersey. It's like, this is not Jersey Shore, babe.

We're in Bushwick. Is every episode just a fight? Because I'm nervous. I'm nervous. I'm nervous to get in a fight. i don't want to i'm not i don't need that smoke did you say is every episode a fight was there every episode of fight because if you're gonna yell jersey sure we could talk about the guidos because they're real we i mean we have to talk about the guidos you can't come here and talk

about new jersey those are real but we know they're ridiculous and it's not everybody's like that and and listen that's seaside that's wildwood to a degree that's point pleasant that's belmar but if you want to go to spring lake that's one of the classiest beaches you'll ever be on If you want to go up to Sandy Hook That's like a national Oh yeah what's Sandy Hook Sandy Hook is in New Jersey Sandy Hook is in New Jersey

But that's not where they had the school shooting right No no no that's the school in Connecticut Sandy Hook is a national park On the Jersey Shore These beautiful beaches One of them Is the Gunnison Nude Beach Which is the best

It's a nude beach where you're staring across the sea At Coney Island it's the best no I'm not staring at if I'm at a nude beach I'm not staring across the sea I'm staring at the bodies on the beach

oh I mean that's the other I mean you see every type of body out there that nude beach is one of my favorite places in New Jersey oh that's where you be at Chris? I love the nude beach

I love it my wife and I we used to before the baby we used to go once or twice a year you walk down this nude beach you have to walk down a long ways

on the sand and then the first thing that you see is elderly naked elderly people playing volleyball and then With they dicks out?

Titties swangin'. Yep. And then it's a lot of elderly people. There's some families. Then there's the swingers. And then the second half of the beach. It's a pretty popular destination for New York's gay male community, too. There's like a whole section of the beach that's like all pride flags.

It's like the best. It's the best. Chris, I hear what you're saying, but we're trying to get back to the guidos. Yeah. I want to know about, you know, mob things. things i want to know where the bodies are buried i want to know why everybody's so tan okay mob things are they real yes how real are they i can tell you this my mother was a teacher in uh maplewood new jersey decades ago and there was a series of families with italian last names

who all the teachers always wanted a kid with that last name because they would give these insanely expensive christmas presents and um then one year it hit the papers that there was a massive mob bust and all of those kids disappeared from the school all of those kids families moved right after that there's a road in my town mount pleasant avenue where when you drive up it past this one section of woods there's this little gap with a dirt road and we all knew everybody called that mafia road because there was a compound of houses down there that was all the same family my friends who lived in that part of town used to sneak back there and they uh Discovered that there was an in-ground pool

Full of Dobermans It was mob shit Like the mob stuff's real The guidos are real It's real In-ground pool full of Dobermans There was an in-ground pool With a bunch of attack dogs

That they would keep in there And let loose on you So yeah it's real But my question Why is that a bad thing? And why does that define everything? Like does the Does the fact that there's fucking

Does the fact that Cause I lived in New York City 16 years That's a pretty good run um like does the great run great run does the fact that i at two in the afternoon saw a subway masturbator on the f train mean that all of new york city is defined by that subway masturbator yes i don't know that absolutely you think that all of i think the good outweighs the bad in new york and i think the good outweighs the bad in new jersey i've seen so many subway masturbators Just at my run in New York, I've been on the F train.

I've seen it four times on the J train at different hours. Not all late. Some of the day. I have never seen somebody masturbating in front of me on the train. Aren't you a New York native? Yes. I saw somebody's dick on their phone once. Oh, they showed you the phone dick pic?

No, the dick was on the phone, and I was sitting by where they were, and they just like... like and it was a picture of their dick angle the phone timing someone else's it was not their dick because the the skin tones didn't match because you know i was like so what was the intent then what was the intent with showing you that particular dick i don't know babe but i got i got airdropped a video of someone pissing on another person on the train last week i just like i got the notification someone's trying to airdrop you a video and i was just like blindly like okay let's just see what this is and i was like this yeah they're airdropping dicks dicks on the train you

gotta turn that your airdrop off it's fun sometimes though i don't know have you ever been airdropped a dick that you were like no because it's the people that are just you know they want yeah yuck and yuck and yuck um but i've been in cars where people were masturbating i just i wasn't i'm oblivious or i wasn't paying attention or i didn't see it but you know i'll be i'll be better about it moving forward but i take the train less now and wait and sydney remind me Where did you grow up? Okay, well, my story is just a little bit more complicated than everybody else. I was in fact born on New York soil, okay?

Born Mount Sinai, 96th Street. But then as a baby, went to Oakland, California, lived there from 2 to 13. Then came back to New York, 13 to like, you know, rest of my life. I'm here. I'm in this bitch. Yeah, I'm a New Yorker. Yeah. Okay.

But I've been around. New Yorker that's been around. If somebody asked you to defend New York and only brought up subway rats and the piss smell in the summer and the way people speak to each other and the way there will be a literal dying homeless person on a sidewalk and you'll watch a hundred people just step over them and not even recognize that they exist. If someone said that's all of New York, you'd say, no, there's a hundred. that there's like there's that's there's like 99 of the other parts of new york that are beautiful jersey i i would say that they were not wrong i would say that they're wrong listen the mafia is very real in new jersey the guidos very real driving terrifying here but all this stuff that's right underneath can i let me i'm gonna put something in here that might change your perspective

Okay. So I don't want to say this out loud because it could be a little too identifying as to where I actually live. Oh, we don't want to do that. Can I type something? Because our fans are crazy. You don't need that.

Can I type something in the private chat, though? I'm going to tell you something now. I drove to Littlefield for a show a few weeks ago, and it took me a little over an hour. When I lived in Jackson Heights, to get to Littlefield would probably take me about 40 minutes. And now I live about 20 minutes further away, but I'm going to type you something in the chat.

I'm really excited to see what it is. Wow. I'm like, what's going to be in the chat, bitch? Also, if people were like, New York is pee and rats and garbage and blah, blah, blah, I would say, yeah, it's those things, but also one of the greatest cities in the world. People want to live here.

Don't nobody want to move to New Jersey except for the people who can't afford to live in New York. Okay. I just typed something in the chat about where, And now, like I said, it has a geographic feature that I'd rather not share because it could identify where I live. Well, what you said in the chat

means that we're coming to your house, Chris. We're coming to your house. First of all, anytime, legitimately, anytime. The train ride's about an hour. I'll pick you up at the train station. Oh, no, no, no, I won't be there. An hour. It's an hour from Penn Station.

That means I gotta get to Penn Station. and for what i typed in the chat that's not worth it nah well i can't really you know i mean we barely marie lives i don't know maybe 30 minutes away from me and i we barely want to go to each other's home wow this is a little bit but that's a 30 minute uber ride no yeah me and sydney are like i don't even know how long the train would take if i took the train probably like 50 minutes What do I have to do to convince you to just come spend a day in New Jersey? What do you have to eat at your house?

That's good. Tell us what's on the menu. Talk to us about the porch. Is it a wraparound situation? I don't have a porch. I have a patio with a natural gas grill. I have a yard. Okay.

I have the aforementioned feature that is in the chat, which I am willing to say, we're talking about a low commitment ability to swim and get back to my house. Okay, but what are you feeding us if me and Sidney and Andrew are plus one? And what am I cooking? Yeah. What are we going to eat? We'll throw whatever you want on the grill. I got the grill. I grill all the time.

I got not one, but two sets of grilling implements here. Two sets of grilling. What's a grilling implement? Grill spatulas, the things to flip the stuff. Grill tools. Grill tools. Grill utensils. Grill.

I got a patio. It has a table with a big yellow umbrella. Did you just try to swoon us with a table? With a big yellow umbrella? You're asking me to describe the porch. I thought you wanted me to be specific. Oh, okay. It has six chairs.

I'm like, do you think we some basic bitches? Because I am basic, but you can't get me with a table. When you said table, I was like, yeah. But then you said yellow umbrella, and I was back. I was like, all right. This is my great fear. It is my great fear. I've lost sense.

The day Snapchat came out was when I realized I have now lost touch with anything cool or appealing in any way. That's what I understood. I thought the table was really going to sell the sizzle. I was like, we're really close on this. We're really close on this. I almost have them convinced to come take the trip. I think I'm going to mention the fact that I own a table And that's what's going to get this thing over the finish line

No such luck I was boxed So who I mean I know your crew is your family But like Who do you hang out with Do you hang out In terms of comedians

Like who's coming to the house to see you Are you coming to the city to hang out with anybody On this side The one comedian who has come out a number of times Is Carmen the aforementioned carmen christopher carmen's a good friend carmen's one of my really good friends he's one of the only i don't uh who wants to get into this because who cares but i've kind of learned more and more that i think i'm a pretty big community guy but i've learned

that like i shouldn't be as trusting of as many people as i am carmen's one come on let's talk shit let's talk shit let's go it's that people talk shit about me and it's people i've never that's really i've never i've never heard anybody say anything bad about you chris that was ever for a long time that's how i felt like people were just like uh he's kind of a weird dude and a lot of the stuff he's done is weird but like he made it happen and you can't argue with him like he when he made his shit happen he's tried to help other people then all of a sudden but weird is weird is cool yeah weird is the name i like that yeah i think i did stuff the right way for a long time but yeah in the past year or so in the past year or so a couple people have taken some pot

shots i think it's people who think i'm like emo or soft or whatever and i'm like emo you got on a blue shirt right now i don't see a smudge of mascara on them eyes yeah i would who is this who's this what you put the person in the chat i'll fuck them up oh i'll i'll ride for my man oh there's no need there's no need i can fight my own battles i can fight my own battles thank chris have you ever been in a fight oh i've been people are surprised i've been when growing up i was in um a lot of fights i can say i can tell you a lot of fistfights and not always just like another kid like not like oh a kid on the playground and you had a pushing match like there was i the the the the area where i grew up during the time i grew up there it kind of fell into

a pretty it that town's bounced back it's really nice to see but it was always always kind of a tough town in a certain sense um with with the neighborhood i was in and yeah i was in a bunch of fights i was in a bunch of fights i just when i moved back home i reconnected with some high school friends and uh you were guys that all fought each other and you were like oh that's how we know each other the fight not i had this one friend from my neighborhood who came by and we all got to talking about how it was fucked up our high school experience it was it was pretty fucked up actually and uh and my buddy goes a lot of these were kids who just went to high school with they were from other parts of town but the kid from my neighborhood was like you didn't go

to our fucking middle school because our middle school was like the two or three worst neighborhoods all in the one spot and he goes oh my god did you go to east side high from me thomas edison middle school it was not east side hot um i'm not gonna make that claim but my this one guy goes when we were in eighth grade he's like i watched chris get in a fight and i've to this day never seen someone lose control of their mental faculties more than i did that watching him in that he watched me lose my mind in a fight he watched me actually go insane and yeah so i've been in some fights and this friend of mine from high school was like yeah it was it was not pleasant and i watched you go completely fucking ape shit it was bad it was bad so yeah i hope that means you won

that one i did win i lost more fights i i was in a number of fights i lost more than i won i was a small kid but that one that one it was it was this kid who'd been uh causing trouble for a while and i said enough was enough and my older i was in a situation too where my older brother got um he got bullied pretty horrifically so i was a few years younger than him and i saw that and i was like i can't let that happen so i was a fighter i was mostly like let's get it over with and that fight i did i did put a guy down in that fight that's the only time i got down that's the only time i can remember walking away from a fight where the person i was in the fight with was laying on the ground that's the only time more often than not i got the worst end of it i'm not

gonna lie about that but that was um he saw the one where a guy was laying on the ground as i walked away which felt felt good and that kid did he deserved that and i'm not trying to sit here and sound like i'm tougher than i am but yeah i've been in some fights now andrew you're from jersey too yes i am whereabouts wow you've never been in a fight it just took us an hour to know that i've been sitting on this um yeah i am from the cherry hill area you're from so you're from south jersey yes i'm from west orange which i wonder if you've heard of the oranges and you can say yeah they have a strange reputation a little bit no i i haven't i mean i'm really close by the the i believe camden new jersey is still like the crime capital of america it is

yeah right it is one of them yeah it was for years yeah cherry hill has too many high schools that's the thing about Cherry Hill too many high schools Andrew have you ever been in a fight no you know I haven't I mean like last week I was saying I've never stolen anything so the fight is definitely off the record

yeah no fights but like a lot of very Italian classmates a lot of Snookis down here well I think well Snooki is Chilean I think North Jersey

But I think she's not even from Jersey. I think she's from upstate New York. Oh, really? Yeah, and Vinny. I know Vinny's from Staten Island. I don't think more than two or three of them are from Jersey, but I'm not going to lie. The Jersey guidos are real, but it's funny.

That's funny. That's funny to go out and see the guidos. It's fucking funny. Sidney says she's not laughing. She's not amused. I'm not into it. I mean, I've gone down to many of parties, like you know the the club the house music and techno and they're a lot they're down on the

jersey shore yeah djs and all those clubs yeah with the djs those are those are bad places if you go to they're not they're not bad place like the music is good i i want to be there i just those people i wish they were like they had their own section that's what i thought but you're You're going to Jersey Shore clubs and getting mad. Guidos are there. That's not fair. Right. So you left your state of New York to cross that bridge into New Jersey and you mad at the Guidos?

That's like going into an aquarium and someone being like, how was it? Too many fish. Like you went to their environment. If you're going to a Jersey Shore club with house music, there's going to be Guidos. It's going to be this. Fist pumping. There's going to be way too much of that. There's going to be way too much of that.

Okay. All right. Wow Sydney I'm judging you a little bit I didn't know that you were going to New Jersey to party Well this was a long time ago I used to go to surf club And they would have a lot of parties I mean girl I used to do

Molly too you know Molly will take you places you shouldn't really be in Wait do you like Atlantic City Sydney I've went to Atlantic City as well Atlantic City is fucking sad It's sad The sand there

the first of all the boardwalk is disheveled the the disheveledness of the the boardwalk the sand is is just uh broken up concrete like it's just ashy it looks it looks so bad the water i wouldn't dare step my foot in it you know girl the jellyfish jump out that water um i went to atlantic city for the first time to do a show like two years ago but having been to vegas atlantic city is just a really sad Vegas. It is. I love it. You said you love it.

I can believe the beach is just broken up gravel. You're better than that. You're better than that, Chris. The last time I was in Atlantic City, I wound up there at it was 2 a.m. on a Sunday into Monday night. Very empty, but I saw a man lose his mind in the poker

room and get dragged out by security. He was literally screaming the words, God will smite you. Stop touching me. God will smite you. he lost his mind it was incredible he probably lost all his money too that's why he was yelling yeah but that's listen you come to new jersey you're allowed to make your own mistakes you want to drive your life into the ground nobody's gonna stop you going to new jersey is the mistake babe um now that i think about it i i dated some people in jersey i um damn i lost my virginity in new jersey what not just to a new jersey person but in new

New development. I have to ask what town. I have to ask what town. Well, I went to school and I went to college in New Jersey. I went to Seton Hall in South Orange. You went to Seton Hall? I'm the biggest fucking Seton Hall Pirates fan there is. Wow.

Oh, I mean, I went there and I'm not even a Pirate fan. Are you kidding me? Did you ever go to Star Tavern to eat pizza in Orange? I don't know what that is. I don't know the names of anything. Did you commute from the city or did you live? No, I went to school there. did you ever leave did you ever walk around did you go to the town i mean i had pizza so excited

chris is so excited because you lived in the town next to my town and everything i'm referencing you don't know yeah because my memory is is trash yeah i had pizza when i was there i just don't know the name of the place yeah is that pizza place the one that's near the train station no oh no it's got the best bar pies you've ever had and all the seat and all people hang out there what about town hall deli did you go to town hall deli get the sloppy joes no I don't think I did that then what were you doing I was getting an education

she was losing her virginity so what were you doing I was learning how to read and learning how to ride a bike that's astounding to me we have so much to talk about and we don't really have much to talk about and yet nothing you lived in New Jersey for four years

in the town next to mine and I was miserable for those four years. I was like, I got to get out of here. I mean, it's not as bad as being in Massachusetts. Where did you go to school? I went to school in Worcester, Massachusetts. I went to Clark University, and I've recently been running into more Clark people,

and they're like, how are you doing? I'm always like, better than you. But yeah, everybody finished school except me, and I feel like we're all on the same level, hon. I'm about to do some shows in Worcester. I just sold out two shows there So I guess I'm big in Worcester Sold out?

It's a 100 seat venue So I sold 200 tickets That's huge It's not Amy Schumer numbers But I'm playing someplace called Ralph's Rock Diner Do you know Ralph's Rock Diner? It's like a punk bar Listen Chris

I hope you kill it at Worcester Oh this is great When are you going? We could promote that Oh it's okay, it's already sold out there's other shows that need a lot more help austin if you could promote austin in august that would be great marie you lived in my neck of the woods it's the best it was not the best college i went to college i didn't have any money and i was just why did you go to a college as expensive as seton hall then oh well i had a partial scholarship um are you catholic are you

catholic no i'm not why did you they gave me the most money they gave me the most money that's how it always goes chris it's always about the money that's why i went to clark i think marie is mad about new jersey because you had a bad experience with a specific section of your life and you're associating it with new jersey but it is not actually a reflection of new jersey culture new jersey people i mean i'm gonna let you say that but everybody listening knows that that's That's not true. Wait, Chris, hold on. Isn't there a sandwich that's really known for New Jersey?

It's like a bacon, egg, and cheese. The Taylor Ham egg and cheese. Taylor Ham is good, I will say. Taylor Ham is delicious. I love Taylor Ham. We've got Italian hot dogs. We've got the Essex County Sloppy Joe, which is not what you're thinking of.

We've got the best pizza in the country, and I know I'm saying that to two New Yorkers right now. New Jersey has the best pizza What was the second thing you said Before you said the sloppy joe What's the Italian hot dog It's a Newark style hot dog It was invented at a place called Jimmy Buffs

They're now in West Orange And Kenilworth It's a deep fried hot dog On a pizza bun Which is a specific type of bread From New Jersey And it's deep fried with deep fried peppers, onions, potatoes Ketchup, mustard, pepper salt on it

It's about as big as your head It'll kill you It's delicious Also New Jersey diners Are the best You could go into A New Jersey diner At 4.15 in the morning

And be like I want escargot And I want two Escargot I don't know Diner That's almost You could order

Lobster tails at 4am They'll come out fresh And no one knows How they do it No one knows I'm not saying It's a good idea I'm saying

They'll accomplish the task If I'm getting snails From a diner That's a cry for help If you walk into a diner in New Jersey You can order anything And they will not flinch They'll find it for you

They have anything They have anything at any time of night Look diners are for burgers and breakfast That's it It's breakfast or burgers That's it You're not wrong But look at the menu of a New Jersey diner

And you'll go This is actually insane Any diner in New Jersey will be like how can they realistically claim that they have all this shit ready to go oh it's stacked it's like a bible it's 11 pages long so let's talk to everybody in the room

what's your go to diner dish order you're at the diner what's the thing that you're going to order first things first I go breakfast for dinner that's one of the joys of a diner yeah we love that if I want to spoil myself probably go

something probably go escargot french toast with a side of some french cuisine that's right um or if i want to be a little healthier i go egg white omelet spinach feta whole wheat toast and key for me always at the diner is a vanilla coke you can always get a vanilla coke at a never never had a vanilla coke yeah never had that you've had a vanilla coke when not not in the no no not at the diner not at the time put the syrup in where they put the syrup in and mix it up there is there's no there's no syrup at our diner did you say really yeah no i'm not aware wait because i do like vanilla coke you get it out of like the fridge at the cbs whatever but to get like you put the vanilla they literally put vanilla in and you're a jersey guy you have to

know this did you go well i'm telling you did you go to boarding school out of state or something like that look at chris no i i mean you get an egg cream you can always get but what is an egg cream they like whip the whites and you gotta drink it or something no it doesn't have eggs in it it's milk chocolate syrup and seltzer and i think maybe it used to have egg whites in it but now it doesn't it's uh yeah it's like a chocolate milky chocolate seltzer it's delicious you can always get that you can always get a black and white even if it's not on the menu you can always get a black and white milkshake what's a black and white oh just chocolate and vanilla yeah it has the cookies in it no that's that cookies and cream milkshake marie wrong everybody who grew up

in New Jersey knows the black and white shake is vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup mixed in. We know nothing. We know nothing. We go to the diner and we're like, what's that? I gotta bring you to a New Jersey diner. That might be the key. This is clearly the thing where I've caught the most traction about potentially convincing you of the value

of New Jersey. I think we might have to do a field trip. We might have to do like a field piece. Us visiting Chris in New Jersey. I would love that. No one talks to me. The people you think are my best friends in comedy i never hear from these people well because you have a kid and a wife but even before right even

before but i think i think but when someone has a child i just assume they're dead they're well basically but also they got more important things to do than run the streets with my single bored ass you know what i mean i just the the people with the kids are not the people i'm reaching out to first right i'm messaging that my like my my don't have to be home for several days in a row friends i miss it i miss you know my life is so lame pack a light bag do you guys know two nights ago i was at my yard all night trying to dig up bamboo roots and that was exciting and that was fun you're hurting me i'm hurt three tv dad three nights ago i was really really excited and i did my fun thing for the week which was that i spread insect and grub control on my lawn hold on

you do one fun thing for the week and it was spread insect and grub control and you guys You're still hosting the show at The Knit, right? Yeah. It's like the coolest fucking- You gonna come to The Knit and talk about it? It's the coolest. Do you know, if I talked about my real life at The Knit,

if I did a set that was just all, this is actually my real life, people would think I was doing like an Andy Kaufman character about a boring man. That's where my life is at. The Knit, by the way, Will Miles can vouch for me. Will, there's a dude who-

Will Miles. Will Miles and I clicked immediately. will miles is one of the only comedians where the day i met him i was like oh i like him and i trust him he's a good man he's you can instantly tell that's a good person will can tell you see him on south side i sure can i once did the knit and when will and kenny and clark were hosting and probably the current i would say honestly top five moments of my entire comedy career 21 years doing comedy i had a joke where i talked about eating butt and i talked about eating someone's butt and a guy at the knit in the front row stood up yelled the words my man and gave me

five like reached out and fucking gave me my man he's like my man and gave me five while i talked about eating ass and it was the best and if i did the knit now it would i literally have a four and a half minute long joke about eating ass no about lawn care Marie about the type of grass seed blend that I use

you know Chris I was going to offer you a date for the knit but I don't know it's not a great fit anymore you guys are very hip and cool Chris send us a tape send us a tape I'll tape myself up in Worcester and we'll see if I got what it takes

we'll see if I could cut it in the big city anymore oh my god chris this is you know at first i was well you know no you're not you're not chris i've seen you i've seen you wild and wacky crazy kids you you have you're a trailblazer you're you are like the king of the alt scene you did a lot of great work i was for a long time i was for a long time king of the alt scene yeah i think i mean i think it was there were certainly people before me and there's certainly people after me who i think have have crushed it but i do think there was a couple years there where i kept it alive and i'm pretty proud of that i think i should be proud of that i think i should be proud i think in the post

eugene merman pre joe firestone gap yes i kind of helped a lot of the young weirdos have a place to go i'm very proud she just did the podcast she just did the podcast i bet she's still cool i haven't heard from joe in years she's great i facetimed with her last week yeah it was really really nice how was the house looking in the background oh she didn't she didn't show me she didn't show me the house joe and i used to be tight but now i'm old and i'm lean and everybody thinks i'm dead because i have a kid me and joe yeah but chris you won't have more kids or no one and done one and done let's get one let's get one right yeah with someone i'm like if i can get one kid healthy and happy let's not tempt fate okay and my kid is he's very cute he's very cute and

very nice wait can you show us the drop the drop the picture in the chat yeah let me where's my phone my phone's over there hold on one sec yeah we want to see the kid honestly you in the house you could have just went and got the baby yeah where's the kid that's the spare bedroom okay You know he's got several homes Like rooms You don't live in New Jersey and only have two rooms That's weird I have a house

I have a three bedroom house You heard that Sidney? Three bedrooms So there's an upstairs and downstairs I'm in the upstairs room The upstairs is just the one spare bedroom Let me find something cute My kid did for me

How many bedrooms do you think is enough bedrooms Sidney? Three? how many what bedrooms how many how many bedrooms is in a bedroom is enough oh oh he's cute i think i'm like why you didn't even bring him you should have brought him chris um i think i think three to four rooms are enough because like you got a guest room you got an office or a gym you got room a gym yeah you gotta have a little sydney what i'm tired i'm not doing this with you on this wednesday that will be friday when this comes out i'm not doing this with you okay well she walked in new orleans and now she wants a gym in her house she's gonna drape

clothes and wigs on do you think you'll ever move out of new york city i guess that's a question I think that I would like to have a home in a place that's not New York City but I think that I would always want to have a place here I'm always going to come back here all of my family is in New York you know

if I was on my if it all goes according to plan And I'll have like a house in like Europe or something. Oh my God, Marie, I would love that. Oh, me and my family come and visit. We're visiting Auntie Marie. She doesn't live in the States. Yeah, girl, I'm not going to have enough bedrooms for the kids

because one of my rooms is going to be a gym. So you have to leave New York. Oh my God, Marie. I just dropped a picture of me and my kids sitting on some steps in the suburbs just so everybody knows amazing just if you want to see is there anything that we need to know about new jersey is there anything we need to know about being a dad is there anything that you feel like you need to leave well first thing i feel like i want to say is i feel he's very cute right oh my gosh he's really chris you look chris you got some

knees on you man i was what you got some calves too well i was why are you and your son socially be distancing on the stamp he's not a fan he's not a fan um he tries to keep his distance um i feel like i failed thoroughly i feel like you were not convinced on new jersey from the start i feel like you're maybe less convinced after my arguments i feel like we found out that marie you lived in the exact area i was trying to defend for four years that would have been info that would have been good for me ahead of time i feel like i wasn't gonna say anything and then i was like i should say so a little bit of a sneak attack it was it was actually the rudest thing she's done on the spot because i was sitting here and i was like i banged that dude in new jersey but then

i'm saying that dude and he was like yeah and was he a jersey was he a jersey person or did it just happen in new jersey he was from trinidad um but he uh lived in jersey and it happened so you found love in jersey i did not find love i found dick in a hopeless place sounds like you found love the new jersey oh wow i found sex in a hopeless place yeah very and it was fine worried about my friend fine is the right i never i never want that to happen for her she deserves better so yeah i mean i i feel like jersey's the best but i think i've actually been a very bad ambassador today and not convinced anybody and in fact feel like actually people are are convinced even more that it's a bad place so my bad my bad to all my no no you have me interested in maybe going to a

jersey diner for sure and to hang out i would love some taylor ham you come out i'll take you to a good diner i'll show you some places that are beautiful like nature and beauty where you got i actually can't believe that how close this is to new york city and no one knows about it no they probably know they're just like i'm all set on jersey we'll do lunch like i can't use my metro card on the jersey transit yeah we'll do lunch at the diner i'll show you some things around the state we'll get some dinner at my house grill some escargot for us what do you like what should i throw on the grill i like burgers there you go i like burgers i'm a vegetarian i do the beyond burgers but i'll throw some real burgers on there if you want city your face your

face beyond burgers i've had impossible burgers before and those were good but they're also very salty yes they i heard they recalled the impossible burgers oh really yeah i should have known that i eat those frequently yo so you're a vegetarian so there's not gonna be you know it's not gonna be no like shrimp or lobster tails on the grill i feel like i was supposed to defend new jersey And then I feel like all I did was make New Jersey look bad and then also really come to grips with the fact that I am lame. I am lame. I'm lame.

No, you're not lame. Who said that? I'm an old, lame vegetarian who doesn't do anything cool anymore. Don't do this. Don't do this. First of all, you have to stay strong for the community. There are people out there that relate to you. Stop calling yourself old.

You're great, Chris. You help so many people In your lane I mean you did graduate in 1996 No I graduated in 1998 Okay Before the towers I was in college for the towers

This is true I was a senior in college When the towers fell A senior Wait what grade were you in I was in middle school God damn it Screaming It's fine

it's fine um you know it's not about me it's about the towers and stuff um so does anybody else have any questions for chris before we go surely don't this has been a fabulous uh good old time about a place that i don't really want to go to but i wanted to get to know you more chris and i think we accomplished that yeah and i've always i'll say this too when when um like carmen told me how great you were sydney marie i saw you do that show and also knowing that you've held down the knitting factory for so long which i think is one of the longest running best shows in the city it is i always felt i always felt very very lucky for the new york comedy scene that that you're both around and i'm not saying that to butter you up i'm saying that

because it's true oh thank you Christopher thank you for putting a good word out there for the Chris's out there that we hate um we love that what did they do what did they do they know what they did they know what they did you don't need to say what they did they know that's it and that's on period period and that's on Taylor Ham Chris where can people follow you what's up with your podcast oh i plug plug plug i got the beautiful anonymous podcast um of interest to anybody who's convinced in new jersey i do have a new podcast with my high school friends called new jersey is the world i got a new special it's called half my life you can download that at amazon and itunes and all those places and gorgeous i'm out on the road chrisgeth.com austin needs help not selling

many tickets in austin and i crushed in austin last time i did it so it's i don't austin austin and I know y'all are listening from Austin because y'all be in my DMs truly and y'all ask us to come down there so Chris you should have had us open for you oh your rate is I'll be opening for you I'll be opening for you

tell me I'll carry your bags when you need somebody to carry your bags that's where I'm at hey Chris all you gotta do is bring them calves and them knees and we're there well thank you I'm flattered thank you so much for doing the pod

you know we do this every week and sometimes the episodes are listeners and sometimes they're friends and sometimes they're people that we've done comedy with and we want to know more about and see their house via zoom so

appreciate you friend yes make sure you rate, review leave nice comments leave nice comments I'm not asking for much that was sick Oh, yeah, and follow us. Follow us if you're not following us.

If you're not following us, I can't even say following. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. The unofficial expert is executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. Senior producer, Tracy Soren. Produced by Andrew McGuire.

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