MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Newlywed Expert" with Rosebud Baker

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Rosebud Baker returns as our Newlywed Expert on this week's Unofficial Expert! Rosebud talks about her recent wedding in a New York City park, getting engaged in quarantine, and freaking out on her honeymoon. Plus, Sydnee tests out a new history-based-segment and Marie goes through Sydnee's grocery receipts.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcast----FOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog hi hi hi hi okay wow wow what an episode whoa whoa whoa okay already we're starting i mean probably this is as hot as when uh andrew tried to come in and and drag us about not saying thank you this is this is hot i don't know i was i was pretty hot that day yeah andrew you did come like you was hangry you was horny you was upset with us yes you had like if we could do it if we could draw your eyebrows they were like squiggly they were like oh absolutely very very upset you were giving helga pataki brown yes angry bird brow angry bird brow um hi marie hi sydney you look beautiful thank you so much um yeah you look you look nice oh bitch okay well no i can't be every day can't be a beautiful day sis you gotta

let you you gotta let somebody else have it okay i received your compliment and i'm giving you a little bit of shade but you know thank you thank you for that i'm dry i got the project heat in here girl that it'd be blasting at all hours and then i wake up i'm like like just it my skin is is yearning for i just need a bucket of water thrown on me every morning because yes hashtag ice bucket challenge i love that for you um i mean humidifiers are your friend and also water for the inside of your body is your friend when's the last time you had a red bull i think that people want to know here we go uh i think when did i put that patreon video up like a week week or week and a half ago a week and a half ago you had a red bull yeah i don't believe you

hold on let me look at something so you're saying you don't have any red bull in your fridge no i don't hold on where the fuck did she go because sydney sent me a package the other day in a bag and in the bag is her grocery store receipt and i want to say i saw red bull on the receipt you see that you hit a paper guys i have a receipt in my hand literally that's the receipt you literally have a receipt in my hand okay this the date on here is uh january 9th okay okay bitch thank you what's today oh okay now say sorry i'm not apologizing apologize you probably went to the bodega yesterday and got another red bull i don't know carolina come downstairs and check the fridge

please maria somebody who you know i've been sober and you believe me on that how could you how could you um don't do that don't throw your sobriety in my face while you talking about this red bull that you've relapsed on many a time don't do that well i'm trying to do better okay well i'm proud of you for trying and i had this receipt just killed that was that was good i was like okay someone wait i am ready to go i'm curious what is on the receipt oh you know already yesterday the most expensive thing that you think sydney paid for at the supermarket guess what it is oh my god something something with meat yeah it's it's no no no it's produce oh the most expensive thing on the on the receipt coming in at eight dollars and 38 cents seedless green grapes

yo you spending too much money on grapes they but when i tell you them bitches was bomb it was like somebody was coming in my mouth they were so like juicy and oh yeah better than cum because actually cum is doesn't well it depends come from a man yuck come from a woman delicious okay delicious delicioso delicious it tastes like pink lemonade okay i love that for you okay that's a little tart though sis that's some that girl needs to drink some water okay that girl is me that girl is me i'll also see some soppersada soppersada sausage tostitos um red bull blue edition six pink grapefruit yeah yeah yeah yeah she spent some la croix rainbow popsicles frosted flakes with marshmallows sydney bitch you're starting to

It's all out of your ass. Oh, my God. You're just going to read the whole list? You know, I was going to throw it away, and I was like, what are you reading on here? Marie, you should post it and put it on your Insta story. That's so good. You'd be like, look at this bitch. You'd be like, who do you think receipt is this?

A 12-year-old or Marie? I mean, or Sydney? Or Marie. A 12-year-old or Marie? I mean, I shop like a kid that has somebody else's credit card. You shop like... like actually the proceed is a little bit better than what i thought it was going to be because there's fruits on there but you definitely shop like a kid whose parents gave them money and was

like use this for emergencies and then you go and you're like we're gonna get pizza and lucky charms mixed with reese's pieces and we're gonna get oh they got the snickers dipping in caramel oh pop tarts like oh oh wait let's get grapes let's be healthy yeah but grapes are too expensive i listen and I've been at the register while they ring up the grapes, and I'm like, what's that say? No, I don't want that. Have you ever returned anything while you're standing at the cashier? Like, you're just like, no, take that out.

Now that the unemployment's back, actually, no. Oh. I love it. How much was that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. $6? $6? This unemployment money got me feeling like Mr. Burns, you know?

Oh, okay. Excellent. Excellent. Mean money bags, bitch. So you must be making the full 504, huh? The full 504 in New York State. Now, don't be counting my coins, Marie. Not on the pot.

I saw how much you spend on these groceries, so I know how much money you do not have anymore. Well, that was two weeks ago, honey. I haven't gone to the grocery store since. Yeah. I'm just over here famished. I was like, well, I'll be there on Saturday. Well, the grapes lasted probably like an afternoon.

So, you know, I put them all in my mouth, girl. Speaking of putting all in your mouth, have you read the reviews, bitch? Yes, I have read some of the reviews. And boy, oh boy, are they entertaining. Let's talk about it, Sydney. Why don't you read them out loud? You know, your reading is better than mine. Oh, wow, wow.

Thank you. Hooked on Phonics worked for me. um sydney what review would you like me to read because i know you're gonna want to read one as well let's start with something negative and then end on the positive note right because andrew said we always yeah you always start with the negative yes yes yes yes okay so here's here's a negative review um somebody said yo listen up it's three stars please don't have marybeth on again stop i love y'all but that episode is unlistenable thank you everything else about the show is actually incredible don't let yourself be brought down by the alabaster guests

and that is from i'm not i don't know what the name is but that was posted on sunday it's just uh just a random fella now that was mean just around random fella and the fact that you put fella in there you're a white man so stop be stop bringing your women down no no no no no know random fella could be an old black man talking about alabaster guest as well okay i don't believe somebody named leroy or you know what i mean a conrad you know like an old black man no they put fella on there there's definitely a white man andrew uh i feel like the term would be i don't i feel like white man would be fellow and i need you to come forward you and scootney show your faces i listen i'm not mad at that review because they didn't say anything bad

about me they actually said that the show was incredible so anyway marie move move on what's the next one the next review that we are going to touch on right now um always pains me to read this but the review says does sydney even want to be on the show it says i love the show but sydney seems disinterested in the show and it's only become even more apparent this past year she now has a new podcast that she's doing on the side to boot while almost never spilling the tea on this one and constantly on the phone okay marie and andrew are excellent hosts and she'll probably just do the show by themselves um five stars uh sydney was like offended about this and i was like facts were spoken tea was spilled there are sydney what what here is not

true that i'm disinterested in the podcast absolutely not there's been so many moments where i'm i'm giving giving all i do is give to the podcast and how dare somebody say i'm disinterested in a podcast during a fucking pandemic yeah i'm stuck in the house not doing anything so we are all in the same pandemic and we are all in our homes and they did not say maria andrew are disinterested they said sydney is not interested and you are cheating on us with a hot young new podcast called what's the name of the podcast hobby hunter which is crazy because my very first episode pilot has marie on it to plug our podcast so everything i do is for us bitch thank you everything you do is to supplement your income so you can afford 19

and also whenever i need to get a cab to send you when i need to send for you what do i do marie She do be sending for me with that Hobby Lobby coin. Hobby Lobby. Whoever wrote this, you can suck a dick. They still gave five stars. It's okay. Yeah, because they said that you two can probably just host it without me. Well, Sydney, they said you are never spilling tea on this podcast.

So they really want to know more about you. I do think it's interesting that they're also, without it being a video medium, they're picking up the fact that you're on the phone as well. No, because you guys are always, because Maria is always, is a rat. Oh, my God. Maria is a rat? Not a rat. Maria is a rat.

So you're trying to say that the problem here is that I'm snitching on you being on the phone. Yes. Not the fact that you are always on the phone. No, bitch. You snitch. We supposed to stay together. We twix. Nah, bitch.

Twix. You not interested in the podcast. You on your phone. No, I am interested. And I am interested in you being on your phone. I'm finding things for us to talk about on my phone. Your phone be doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. And you're like, oh, I got to FaceTime.

I'm going to tell him to call me back. Girl, don't do that. You know what I am interested in? This motherfucking guest. Yes. God bless. God bless. I'm so happy to have this, our two-time, you know, appearance guest today.

Yes. Woo. And the timing couldn't be better because y'all said, don't bring no more Alabasta people on the podcast. and we said she gonna be beige okay and i cannot wait to bring you guys down i am just honored to be here give it up for our newlywed expert um she's the host of find your beach the podcast um it's the funny the married the the blonde rosebud baker well hi guys um used to be blonde I it's it's more of a dishwater brown at this point six months into quarantine married don't

I don't have to try um it's the blonde has faded you know I just I just assume that all white people are natural blondes um I don't till their hair grows out you know what you're not totally wrong i feel like a lot of us are born blonde and then uh our enthusiasm for life goes as the blonde goes do you understand a lot of people are blonde because of the holocaust so history yes the holocaust made us blonde no because of the genocide hitler wanted everybody to be blue eyes and blonde and that's true so i don't do that to me but i will say but i will say if hitler looked at me and my husband together he would be like that's a little on the nose you know he would say throw them in close the door he'd be like that's too much these they look they can go

they look like twins um get them out get them out of here yeah um i um i have to say i know you guys brought me in and introed me to get away from the uh the reviews but okay i was i was mesmerized i was really into that whole section no i had to mute myself i was laughing so hard okay well what do you feel um how did that affect your spirit this is a safe space first of all i mean when i see you i'm strangling you strangle me you're gonna have your phone in your hand while anybody anybody who has ever been on a facetime call with sydney knows how that reviewer feels okay because i have been on facetime calls with sydney i've been spilling my guts just sharing my deepest innermost secrets and all of a sudden i'll hear her go uh-huh

that's crazy and i'm like what the fuck or or and you white bitch how dare you drag me like this but also sydney is queen of queen of facetiming you at any any hour 24 hours in a day she'll call you at any point yeah but i'm into that i'm into that but But most of the call of the FaceTime is her screen is on pause and it's just you looking at the word paused. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You could have just called me so you could ignore me. You don't have to have me looking at your ceiling or your booty hole. But there is there's value in that kind of friendship where your friend will hang out with you, you know, and and be on their phone like they would in person.

But they're doing it over the phone. You know what I mean? there's like comfort in that kind of friendship where like i don't want to necessarily be on a phone call with somebody that i have to talk to the whole time oh okay rosebud so you know you're spilling you're spilling your guts and she's saying that's crazy how do you feel it's almost like she's in a in a marriage i sound like a straight man yeah exactly he's yes she's my husband on the side i'm like when my husband's not listening i'll call sydney just to have her not listen you know what i mean and it's like uh it's like having a therapist it's like having a

low-income therapist you know oh she called you a sliding scale section eight therapist yeah anybody that's had a sliding scale therapist knows that that is what it's like you're like you're sharing your shit they're not checked in but i'm not calling you you can suck my dick and you fuck off everybody's on this podcast right now wow wow you're gonna talk about us on hobby hunters yeah take it to hobby lobby we just switched it we switched it from newlyweds to dragging sydney sydney we're not even dragging you but like we're just telling you what it is like if you if we were like if when we go outside like in public back again and it's like i've read

people are like when we go out to dinner everybody puts their phone in the middle of the table and the first person to pick up their phone has to pay the tab that's what we're gonna do with you sis we're gonna put all our phones in the middle of the table and the wait hold on a second what what group of friends does that i don't know i read this on something some website that's fucked up you gotta get a new group of friends that's not even fair well i mean because you think that you would have to pay the tab or because you need to have your phone in your hand and take pictures of the food uh i'm gonna end up paying that tab either way it doesn't matter if i'm taking pictures of food if i'm the second the conversation stops being interesting

i'm going right to the phone yeah but sometimes the conversation stops being interesting because everyone is on their phone i don't know i feel like that's like a chicken or the egg argument you know like what what happens first sometimes yeah sometimes you reach for the phone the conversation dies other times you know the conversation dies and you're like well you guys aren't keeping me engaged so let's go somewhere else let me tell you one motherfucking thing i'm the best friend all of y'all have ever had so you could go on here and say that i'd be on my phone but i show up when i need to i'm there when you need me to be there and i'll fucking listen and i have solutions so sydney has wrapped herself she's wrapped herself up like a boxer

in the corner of the ring she has dabbed her forehead she's back she's back for a second round yeah ready to fight i gotta get a picture of this sydney i got my phone so i guess i'll pay the tab i i am wow we're gonna have a talk okay we're off air we're talking okay what do we what do we need to talk about sydney i feel like this is the place people say you're not sharing how you feel share it now yeah i was gonna say they've done a great job of getting you to share how you feel today on this podcast well let's just be honest here okay we've been doing the pod for what four years it feels like 96 years four years um let's when we were shooting in the gym honey boo boo when we were at marie's house i was giving up all the everything give i was i had

tea every single episode every because not only was i going through sobriety i was not fucking my ex-girlfriend we were having money problems we're we're going on i was in uber pools i had stories honey so when all that was happening we weren't hearing the not banging your girlfriend stories yes we were yeah i was saying i was talking about that because um adrian was like what are you saying on the podcast because my friends are asking stuff so wait so so by that logic you're saying that because you did this certain thing in the past where you expressed a lot that you shouldn't be doing it anymore just because you know no no no it's here's the thing who these people who leave negative reviews let them leave a different review and make it

interesting every single week for the last four years and see how see how engaging their reviews are you know that i think that's what she's saying is like she's had to be interesting this long so anybody who's criticizing her should have to be interesting once a week for an hour talking to the same person oh okay that sounds like a little bit of a drag on me and no no no No, that's not a sneak diss. That's not a sneak diss. I'm just saying it's harder to stay interesting than people think. It is.

Marie didn't start spilling real tea until Iprejo. That was the inauguration of Marie telling her business because she was not one of the people to be like, oh, I'm going to say everything that's going on in my life. But this is what I said to Sydney last night when the review popped up and we laughed and cried about it. the opposite spilling tea is not necessarily all you have to do on the podcast you don't have to come and spill all of your business but you have to like you gotta come with the jokes you gotta

come with you have to be interesting in order for it to be a podcast that people want to listen to yeah you're looking at your phone while i'm spilling my tea then you missing moments to crack on me or you're like when me and sydney are together the podcast flows better because like i'm looking dead in her eyeballs and she's not going to pick up her phone while i'm sitting right there or she will but like you know maria you're trying to break up with me on the motherfucking pod like what what's going on here sydney are you are you naked under that blanket girl the fuck is going on i'm getting on what the fuck is going on i'm not trying to break up with anybody Rosebud, get in here.

Are y'all just going to let this happen? This is why I don't fuck with white people like that. Y'all on the call. Y'all on the call. First of all. Let her go off on me. First of all. Rosebud, fucking blow dry your bangs and let's go.

I can't. First of all, it's not my podcast. I will blow dry my bangs for my own podcast. I will not blow dry my bangs for a podcast that I'm not on every week. It's not my responsibility. All right? Blow dry my bangs is for one. I'll do it once a week when I'm about to get laid.

That's it. Okay. All right. A week. Rosebud, you getting banged once a week? Y'all haven't been married that long? We need to talk. That's what I'm saying.

Okay. Let's get into it. Let's get into it. Rosebud. When did you get married? Yeah. Okay. So I got married in September.

Okay. I got married in the park, in Washington Square Park, which is where they shot the movie Kids. Okay. Yes. that is the only reference that matters um and it was during covid times so it was like where they shot the movie kids it was really it was during that time we finished getting married and a homeless man came up and gave us a painting okay so he peed on the on the canvas or he pooped on the canvas he painted it was like it looked like what it looked like an angry birds

sort of painting and handed it to us and i i held it because i forgot for a second about covid i had just gotten married i was so excited so i so i held it for a second and then i dropped it in front of him and i went and uh there's a photo of me taking it from him realizing what time it is and uh dropping the thing on the ground um but it was it's great it's nice to get married uh during a time when you can like you know in a public space in new york city where you can like have someone with a shopping cart in the photo um pretty sweet um uh rose but i was there i was there you were there yeah and it was very quick it was well y'all showed up late i mean y'all gave us the time and then y'all came whenever y'all wanted to it was um you know it was yeah i

felt very at home you know yeah i was late to my own wedding i was like i felt like some niggas was involved but it was you so yeah but i've i've also never been to a wedding that started on time never i have i have really it started on the time that it said on the card there's a they'll say this is the time that people get there and then this is the time for the wedding they put two they put two things in the car yeah but they what they should say is like um you know when they say what time the wedding starts it should just say whenever the bride gets there because that's really you know so i was i was in the car when i was supposed to be in the car but then the car in very new york style fashion like we rented this like old new york city taxi and just like

an old new york city taxi it took me to the wrong place first so this man took me i got ready at my sister's apartment this man took me to my own apartment first and i was like what what are we doing here and um you gave him six no it was like an originally it was like a an address that i entered for like a pickup point but it was not the address for the actual wedding so like he took me there and he was like okay here we are and i was like no do you see a do you see a groom here this is a this is a dirty stoop with like broken glass on it and he said hey some of my best weddings have been on a stupid broken glass what the fuck you talking about so then we my mom was in the car she was like no my mom's panicking you know because mom's and like so and the whole way

we're driving down my mom is like so excited she was like putting the window down and telling people like she's getting married she's like yelling at people outside of the cab and I was like I was I've never been so embarrassed like I'm not um I thought because I wanted to get married so bad. I thought that when I got married, I was going to be like, yeah, I thought I was going to be like super excited. Like everybody look at me. Fuck you. I'm never going to have to date again. And like, I thought I was going to rub it in everyone's face. I found the whole experience of getting married to be super embarrassing. Like it is super embarrassing. I'm like in my thirties, you're dressed up. It feels like you're wearing white. Everybody knows

the windmill of dicks that you rode to get to where you are you know it's just like it is um it feels like you are playing a part that is not if you are a woman who is honest with herself you know what you've done and you know that you should not be wearing white um maybe cream or eggshell i was i was wearing an eggshell i was wearing an eggshell white but it still sort of felt like with the veil and everything it sort of felt a little bit like okay come on no no it was it that was that's not what you should be embarrassed about it was just Sydney said you should be embarrassed that it was in the park it was we listen hold on it was it was a covid wedding so we excuse everything like it's okay

it's okay and we realize that people have been spending so much money on the actual event that it's dumb it's stupid you didn't spend that much money in the park because the park is free yeah the park is free and not only that the park is the only thing i didn't feel stupid about because i was like this is the kind of wedding i would end up having whether covid was around or not because i'm not spending that much money on a wedding you know okay okay i'm just no no floral arrangements no i mean i got i mean doesn't what's the thing that you carry oh the bouquet like i should know this but i spent money on that right how much how much was your wedding oh all in all i think i spent two thousand what wow you didn't even spend 2020 you didn't even

spend a dollar for the year like the dollar amount for the year i think overall i spent two thousand um well hold on so it was like 500 for the actual wedding like getting the woman to marry us and the and the and the whole like service with the photographers how much was the dress the dress did you have it already you got it from buffalo exchange the dress was the most expensive part i think the dress was like 1500 and then the rest of it was just like nothing because i was Oh, that's a lie, Rosebud. You paid for that car, too. The car was only $200.

I thought it was $300. No, $200. Okay. $200. Sydney said, well, I have a receipt. I have a receipt in my trash. Sydney's like, hold on a second. I don't think I even mentioned that to Sydney.

You did. Girl, we talked. Did I? You know, yeah, when I'm on my phone not paying attention to you, I hear numbers, though. Okay. Okay. I didn't realize I was speaking to a secret accountant.

Oh, yeah. Sydney do that on the side. She's a CPA. Jesus Christ. Yeah, no. She really is my second husband. She's fucking keeping track of what I spend. Yeah, I know how much you spend for all those frames above your head.

Oh, shit. Don't mention that. That was. Oh, now you're embarrassed. That was more than my wedding. You paid for the framing. Let me tell you something about framing, which is a, that's a very married person thing to do,

is get your stuff professionally framed um framing costs cash that is serious money that like if you want your stuff professionally framed you buy a poster for twenty dollars all of a sudden the value of that poster goes up by about a thousand dollars it is people are like is that an original yeah okay yeah rosebud has framing money you heard it here first folks you got framing money or I did so talk to us about being married like how long were y'all together before you guys got married let's talk about that oh okay so we were married or we were together for nine months when we got engaged um wait we were not are you not long we got together I'm I'm estimating so we got together in october of 2019 yes y'all got engaged at the top of the fucking quarantine

march march of 2020 so i get together for like six months yes yeah yes yeah yeah six months when you got engaged i was like oh i was like people are falling apart right now this is crazy when when you got engaged i was like oh she about to have triplets because yeah that or andy got a really big penis it was my manager called me up and was like what's the rush he was like worried i was pregnant like he was scared and um i just had to tell him no no no we're just two recovering addicts and you know recovering addicts they're the only people that move faster than lesbians that's rosebud i'm i'm gonna agree on that i that's just facts yeah because me and you i feel like yeah we we would go as quickly as we could into a relationship to

to get away from yourself the struggles that we have yeah yeah so and you know it's like we both if you have two addicts we both have impulse problems okay we cannot control our impulses we get carried away with our feelings we go you know this is how i'm gonna feel forever this is how it is the rest of my life is gonna be so easy and you just you just fly right into it like you are like you've never been hurt and then and then it's like right before you get married that you both start freaking out that's exactly that's what two addicts do okay so walk us through this these freak outs what did it feel like the closer you got to the wedding yeah so it feels like um and maybe this is universal but before I got married right before I got married I actually

didn't I think I put all that away like I wasn't that freaked out uh I I was just like I'm getting married this is exciting it's happening I can't really believe it's happening but I just started planning it and that's all I really thought about and then right after we got married when we went on the honeymoon that was when i started to freak out that was when i started feeling anxious because i was like oh shit i was like oh i'm i'm married like it was like you know when you're like a kid and your parents drop you off somewhere that they're gonna leave you for like a couple weeks like summer camp or whatever like a like an aunt's house or wherever and you're like hold on a second i just gotta live here now this is what i gotta do that's how i felt

now wait you didn't feel like that when y'all got an apartment together when y'all got that when y'all got that the dog the scraggly dog y'all didn't feel like any of y'all didn't feel like any of that until you were um butt naked in tulum doing anal that's when you were like oh my god i can't believe we're married you did anal in the sand that's why i just shit pearls later um no i uh yeah i because all the other stuff i had done before everybody's moved in with somebody by the time they're 30 right i mean everybody's gotten a pet with somebody by the time they're 30 no never no friend well me me yes but i'm a lesbian so well put it this way i had done all that stuff so i was like this is the rest of that stuff is

it doesn't mean anything you can walk away from all that you know and technically your dog and go technically i married another comic so it's not like we're breaking up assets if we do divorce it's not it's like okay you take you take the ikea desk and i'll and i'll take the crate and barrel chair right yeah you know it's not like we have stocks we need to be breaking up but i uh yeah i kind of freaked out when we were in tulum and but the best part about it is i married somebody and this is the key you got to marry somebody that you can freak out in front of and talk to and be like oh i whoops do like is any part of you kind of freaking out about this and they got to be able to hear that and not take it personally and go okay yeah i get it this is

normal honestly rosebud i think that's good dating advice you you should only date somebody that you're okay with freaking out in front of or like yeah looking dumb in front of because like i've dated people before that i was like they they were almost like too hot or too cool and it was like you don't want them to see you sweat and those relationships can't last because I need to know that I'm better than you at all times if I break down no but but you but you but I'm joking I'm joking but you know what I mean like yeah you can't ever fully be comfortable with somebody you shouldn't be with that person and you definitely shouldn't be marrying them no you have to marry somebody that is if you can't be your fullest self like the parts of you that you

are like that even you are uncomfortable with I've had fights with my husband where I was I said stuff that I didn't even realize about myself until I said it out loud and then I was like oh whoa that was so true that that's like how I feel that I didn't I didn't even know I felt like that until I said it you know so he's like somebody that I once I was there in uh I was in Tulum I was looking at him and sharing all this stuff and he just looked at me and was like yeah okay then I was like oh I'm not I'm not scared anymore like right it wasn't you gotta marry somebody that you can be your fullest self with even if it's somebody and I didn't think he was not the kind of guy i thought i was gonna marry i was like i'm not gonna you know when i first started

dating him i remember calling sydney and being like um i think something i think i'm unwell i said i was like oh you're on the verge of a relapse i said what is going on i didn't i didn't think i didn't think you were going to be with one a white man and two a comic i didn't think you were going to go back to dating people in the community your ex was a comic it was a black dude but he was a comedian so i wasn't surprised about the comic part but what is the type of person you thought you were going to marry describe him for us and then we'll compare so i thought i was gonna find somebody with like a 401k i thought i was gonna find him poor all right yeah she's no he's not he's not poor like he's

got good credit he's got like his shit together but but he's a comic so i assumed that none of that was coming with him you know what i mean like i just assumed that all of that was in shambles and i was like he probably lives in a storage unit uh you know i just i was gonna find find something out about him that i was gonna be like oh please god no um but the more i got to know him the more i was like oh he's he's like a normal person who does comedy he has like hobbies like he'll go skiing for the weekend or he'll like go he must have a little bit of money because Yeah, I'm like, okay, he's like, he's doing pretty well. And he's worked in advertising and he has a portfolio.

And I was like, okay, this is like all, this feels stable, you know? I didn't know any of that about Andy. Now, how old is he? Is he 45? That feels like a 50-year-old. He's 38. Okay, we rounding it up to the 40s. That's 50 in white man years.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you should see his neck skin. it's uh oh it's at least 45 rose but this is a family podcast don't talk about his neck skin is that is that is that the shaft of his dick hey andy hope you're listening you know he's sitting on this call him earthworm jim um wait no rose but i wanted to i wanted to get back to you saying that you were um marry somebody that you're most comfortable with but I think there's a point where you get too comfortable like too comfortable and too content and you you showing your ass too much you know like when you feel

like you're okay and you're not growing I don't think that's that's good either yeah I think the point is I don't think that you can get too comfortable I think that you can assume that you know everything there is to know about that person and then you just forget about you just forget about trying to ask them how they're doing or what they think and then you're just like i already know about them so i'm gonna stop asking them for their opinion or what they think or how they're feeling yeah because because when relationships get stale that's when they get stale because you go what is there to discover about this person but it's like i mean i've known myself my whole life and i still don't know everything there is to know about me so why

would i assume after two years with one with this person that i've already figured it all out with them you know i mean but some people are very predictable like you know what they're gonna do you know they move they they they don't live on the edge they're very like well those those are the people that refuse to keep growing you know and those people you there really is like a limit to where to how long you can last with those people because if they're gonna refuse to grow what are you gonna like stop growing for them no 100 and that's but that's the difference i think sydney is like that's why some you sometimes you outgrow the person that you're with because you keep trying to do things but also you should want to be with somebody who's ambitious and like has

goals and has things that they're working toward yeah but you pick up on that stuff in the beginning you might you might dismiss those red flags but like if i'm looking at you and every and i know every day monday you do this from this time to this time tuesday is this like if i look at you and i know your schedule and i know where you're gonna be and when you're gonna be there then like there's something some people find comfort in that but there's something very dry and and and and like for me and it make and it shamwows it shamwows the pussy my cooch is dry it's dry yeah like if if i know every moment like i know what you're doing and when i call you pick up every time i'm like yuck like what do you you don't have fucking yeah you don't have no self

tips you only got nothing to do like it's not even about do your taxes like i'm like i'm like find an activity a little bit yeah call me from jail tell me yeah you know be like oh since i woke up in tijuana today can you venmo me can you western union me some money no no no see that's where we get into the whole dating losers because it's interesting this is we can't we can't be going there that's not we just got a story rosebud you i'm not saying it's not worth it in your 20s all right but once you've reached 30 you gotta it's this isn't cute anymore all right we gotta get away from the guys that uh who need our help to pay their rent um yeah that's true hey hey hey i just i'm gonna say this in a year i just become that person that doesn't need somebody

to help me with the rent so you know don't don't don't judge okay well you're on the other side now so you get to you get to pretend that you're above that you get it's above you now yeah you get to say okay yeah get get those people out of our lives yeah yes yes and no like yes I agree but also I I you wouldn't know just looking at me that I was one of those people so that's fair that's fair yeah I know how it is look at Marie judging you just why do you say look at Marie look at andrew judging he's looking at you like andrew's in a full pose yeah he's like you just started paying rent this year like andrew is reclining yeah what's what are you how are you feeling oh well um when you were talking about people being predictable um sydney i mean i was

it definitely brought up you know you're a little predictable sometimes on the podcast with uh pulling out the phone oh andrew you bought it back move past that honey just because you got everything in your schedule and it's you doing the same thing every day. Don't be triggered by that comment. I wouldn't say that to you. Bloop. Why you gotta come for me? I didn't send for you, sir. No, I'm just saying.

I'm just calling a spade a spade. I am not predictable, honey. You never know. Did you just call Sydney a spade? Yeah. Wow. Wow. He just called me a nigger. Oh my God. You getting a bit too comfortable in here, Andrew.

Okay, I'm so sorry. andrew's face is red if you if you take a white person and you say something like okay if i you say something totally whatever and then sydney calls it the n-word and any white person will just bury themselves like alive if that's all she has to do this is my last we'll just be like ah kill me and you said see everyone he did give us his two weeks two weeks ago he surely he surely fucking did he was like i don't want to be this is too predictable for me i think this whole episode has been about like relationships if you think about it because we

started off with sydney coming on the podcast and we talked about sydney being on her phone and that's and you gotta be engaged you gotta be involved you know to keep it interesting totally you gotta keep it you gotta be you gotta ask questions you gotta look alive you know you gotta have hobbies nobody wants wants to marry me on this podcast so i i could be whoever the fuck i want to be that's true yeah but the person who wants to marry you could be listening to this episode right now hey babe so you think that you you showed yourself as like a bride to be you in this episode? Abso-fucking-lutely.

If you want to marry me, you listen to this episode, you are obsessed. I'm on the money. You're definitely the most booked. I mean, you have a lot of things going on. It's great. She got at least two bucks. She has at least two. You motherfucker.

Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm just trying to get food for my family, for my two cats, for Marie. I do this for Marie. she don't even know you do not do this for me I do this for you

you do this for Sidney Jelly Jam and you do it for the and Marie you're my emergency contact if Marie wanted to like if she wanted to do what is it a partnership that's not where you say you're married but it's like that's what they do to the

domestic the domestic partnership yeah domestic partnership I would do that with Marie that's how I knew I had to leave my ex is he want he was talking about domestic partnerships and i was like this is over you need to break he brought it up or you brought it up well it was it was something where we were i don't remember who brought it up but i remember the conversation had gone in that direction where it was like oh well instead of getting married we'll do a domestic partnership and i was like yeah no we're not so he never wanted to get married at all uh he would talk

about wanting to get married and then nothing would happen so that's like another that's like a way that men keep women on the hook yeah well I wouldn't call it even that it was like I don't think he never meant it but I think he if he really dug deep down inside and and got honest with himself and me he would have been like you know what I don't want to do this like but I don't think he I think he cared about me so he couldn't really say that like he was like no I want to stay in this for as long as he did how long were y'all together five years yes sydney elizabeth washington stunts right there yeah but i think that some men i think for some men they say that because they think that they want it but also they're very comfortable

where they already are it's like well why are you married i live with you we got these six dogs together like you right my toenails sometimes i popped a pippo on your back the other day we together like yeah and getting married is not for everybody but that's how you end up with these couples that like your grandparents and they're like my grandparents finally got married and it's like y'all been together for 72 years and it's like yeah he put a ring on it baby and it's like they had to it was an arranged marriage no no i'm saying women women didn't have rights sydney's coming with the history today the sober

everybody that's white is blonde because hitler hitler designed blonde hitler peeled all the gingers i'm like sydney has been on reddit yeah a couple days she has learned some theories where is the lie i need people to i need people to write in and be like sydney actually that has a point sydney is gonna come on next week and be like shonda rhimes is in charge of the flat earth and yes she's gonna be like well that's what einstein was talking about when he said

i actually sydney this this is the sydney that i that i know and love you know the one that spits facts that is like this this might be right it sound true this i love this sydney facts they're fun they're fun yeah the podcast this is now it's time for sydney's facts and yeah it's a new segment that we're gonna bring to the podcast and sydney give us like a fact that is like true the she you know what i think that that doubles as merch that could double as merch for sure for sure that reviewer would wear that every single day yeah you get the hoodie you get a hoodie where you lift the hood up and there's a sydney fact underneath oh my god what a pitch what a pitch rosebud i'm just saying hashtag shark tank

i'm just here for you guys to make money you know i'm trying to support jelly and jam wait marie did you want to do the the segment in between or you you want to wait till the end um yeah i mean sydney that's a beautiful transition that you just offered me the opportunity to uh throw in there um so we are coming up we've come up with some segments for the podcast that we are going to start doing let's say next week last first week of black history month we're gonna start these new segments um the first part i think sydney's facts should be one i really do like that um i like how random and uh like fake they all are they're real about hitler i mean oh that's all right all white people are not blonde because of hitler but i i

like where your head is at is yeah you know i love it i want to be blonde they want to be blonde because of that that mentality i don't feel like people want to be blonde anymore i don't feel like well i think it's because people can't get a to the hairdresser no more because right now during the pandemic yeah i'll tell you i honestly my therapy my therapist my hairdresser i went slash therapist i went to her and i'm sorry i just interrupted your set your segment thing your segment announcement should i bring i can come back to this now i want to know what the story you see yeah okay well so i took time off from seeing her when all this started and then i went back to her right before my wedding she had been gone for four months i come back this bitch

is in q anon like she was she was like a normal person no she was like a normal person before she's beautiful lived in brooklyn moved to jersey right before covid uh spent four months in her house, comes out of her house and she's in QAnon. Like she was she was spouting insane shit to me about, you know, the election was going to be rigged and all this like all this shit while I was in her chair. And, you know, Sidney was like, you got to get a new hairdresser. And I was like, no, no, no. This bitch knows how to cut my bangs. And so I'm in QAnon while I'm in her chair. that's what that is i just have i just sit there and agree with her while i'm in her chair well i mean she did a great job she did a great job on your racist bangs yeah it is very it was very

storm the capital bangs first of all they don't even have bangs all right they did not cut their bangs they do theirs with a knife mine are even don't let's not drag my bangs my bangs are probably the most put together part of me okay wow rosebud has spoken okay that's we're just gonna just so these people know because they can't see me and now they think they're gonna go to your page now they think i look like amanda from knoxville tennessee um well i think so i feel it she was wet you know for no reason like her whole face was wet uh you know who i'm talking about right she was holding the onion right in the towel was she like when she was crying are you talking about no the one who got maced yeah she said i got maced and she was like telling

that she got maced but then if you zoom in on the towel she's holding an onion she's holding an onion to make it like herself cry yes what yes method actress method yes oh i didn't even see the onion at all right you're talking about like i got yeah you look at the video i feel like this bitch was probably just eating an onion like that's how gross she was like an apple yes like an apple yeah i feel like she just eats onions um anyway yeah no my hairdresser's lost her goddamn mind she's fully crazy and she's like so you rudy giuliani makes good points is like what she was saying oh yeah girl so did you tip her like talk to us about what yeah i hope not two dollars no actually she charged me less and um i think it's because she could tell that

i was freaked out and she was like you know it's 20 instead of like 60 so i was like okay well i was like 20 you go to super cuts what the fuck is going on no normally i mean i'm spending a lot of money at that place and she was like taking whatever from me so i don't know if it's like she's got to lower her prices so she can speak her mind now or what rosebud it sounds like you're going to a sliding scale hairstylist and you was dragging therapists before that say i do it based on income that's where you get your haircut babe yeah but okay but she's not doing a terrible job okay so girl therapist yeah some of them are doing good work for 30 30 to 60 dollars i mean maybe not if you judge the people but anyway it doesn't matter um yeah i so thank you

thank you for telling us about your q anon hairstylist while uh you know we were gonna do a segment that was sorry i really i really appreciate that i'm sorry you're right you came in right on time i thought i you know what i fucking i thought i was gonna get out of this episode without a bad review and i feel like i just here they come i feel like next week there's gonna i'm gonna check your reviews every day this week i'm gonna be obsessed with that i love this for us and realistically rosebud we did talk about newlywed things but is there something that you want to leave the listeners with before we go um about how to survive being newlywed or being one during a pandemic you know yeah yeah so I think here's the thing if you are

a newlywed in a pandemic it's gonna feel like the newlywed period is about a month whereas normally it lasts about six months that gets shortened to about a month when you are a newlywed so in a pandemic because you're spending a lot of time in the same space you don't get to get away from them You got to like you got to deal with all the annoyances that that come along with being in a pandemic together and all of the, you know, the uncertainty that goes along with that life. Not to mention my husband and I are both comedians. So there's whatever pandemic uncertainty there is that gets doubled because our jobs are illegal now. we cannot go on the road we can't you know everything has been shut down so what the way I think to deal with that no matter who you are what your job is is you gotta talk to each other

and it's hard because when you are in the same space all the time it feels like what is it what is there that i could possibly have to say to this person and um the truth is it doesn't always have to be some deep talk it doesn't have to be like let's talk through our problems let's talk about how we're feeling but talk to them the way that you would your friends that you're on the phone with just talk about casual stuff that you go through during the day don't spend all of your time together in the same room in your phone or as if you're alone in the house because it starts to feel really lonely for your partner and i kind of learned that the hard way because my i was constantly on my phone and my husband would be like hey i'm talking to you and you're just

on your phone and you're not listening to what i'm saying so now when i when i hear him come on sydney okay it all comes it all comes back to me wait yeah really while you were talking sydney what were you typing we could hear you typing onto your computer she's texting on her laptop because people keep calling me they keep calling me and I'm like I'm on the pod I'm on the pod Sid nigga Washington

that is exactly who you are and how you treat us also we about to wrap up the people who are calling you you can just tell them you were doing the podcast and you couldn't talk when they called you anywho rosebud yeah you gotta listen you i put your phone down you i'd be less like sydney and more like andrew heard you yes yes and uh andrew is also my husband's name um so that was a double

meaning um wait you didn't even talk about sex y'all what are you what are y'all getting it in here's the thing so like she said once a week so i've noticed that when we don't talk no i am when we don't talk though our sex drops to like once a week like if we're not talking to each other if we're not like connecting with each other it happens like once a week and that's how we know something's fucked up like if we are not fucking one of us will be like uh something's wrong like we we haven't been talking enough we haven't been hanging out enough we haven't gone on a date we haven't gone on a walk together you know we haven't spent any time together and you can tell because we're not fucking so that's i think like you hear that

you hear that fellas listening to the podcast you gotta spend time with you with with who you're with you gotta like you gotta pay attention to them for them to want to fuck you but you're in a pandemic if y'all are shacked up together it's like you see them every fucking day what you're yeah but that sounds like that's what i'm saying being in a pandemic with your partner feels like the perfect way to just have sex all day long honestly that's you would think that but after a while if you're not like talking to them or or anything you just start to think of them as like i've already fucked you and it's like i know that sounds really brutal but it it's true you just start to think of them as like i've i already know everything about you so that's why it's so

connected like communication and sex are so connected like especially women and men um men have sex the way that women like they need to have sex the way that women need to communicate so and women need to communicate as much as they need to have sex so it's like you have to meet that in the middle you know you have to do that are y'all listening to these gems yeah the conversation is the foreplay you can't have sex with me if you don't know how i'm doing today yeah go to the supermarket how am i did i speak to my mom today you want to know these things yeah you can have sex with me and it'll be whop whop whop yeah and and that's why i will say as a lesbian i'm having the best sex of my life because all we fucking do is talk we're actually

talking while we have sex you know right now this podcast yeah they're talking right now yeah yeah my pussy is dripping right now okay well that's why jim is so close that's where she got that cup of water before jim said always sound wet over here let me sit right on the laptop jam just brought a bucket and a mop oh okay it's macaroni in a pot um go ahead no no you oh i was gonna wrap it up so you had something that you oh okay i love that you put your hat on to wrap it up well i didn't like the way the top of my head was looking um this is my shut it down hat fun fact this is a i got this hat in paris at a

thrift shop it's german and somebody told me that this is a not like a nazi officer hat so what this hat is why rosebud is a blonde now and it perfectly it actually perfectly would cover my roots um maybe that's why they made those hats they're like cover up marie i'm gonna need you to go on an uber eats that hat to rosebud please it's very necessary door dash i'm gonna put it in the bag that you sent me with the receipt that you sent me as well thank you so much for sharing your newlywed life with us um tell people who are listening where they can catch you friend yeah yeah i have a podcast that i started on the first day of quarantine with my husband called find your

beach yeah and we were engaged by the third episode so it has basically covered our entire marriage um throughout the pandemic it's very silly it's just like it's just two comedians having fun in a house by themselves um did he propose on the podcast no i will imagine oh my god disgusting but i will say um rosebud and andy are disgusting together because they're very they're very punchy up they punch up as if they're in a writer's room so it's not just like it's not like regular people just joking it's like no but then they're doing this and then they're doing another tag and then another tag it's three tags on each joke and it's very it's very structured uh when they're together yeah you can see you can basically watch the clips from it

on my instagram at rosebud baker there's clips from our podcast all over there so you can enjoy that and if you love a couple that roasts each other that we are right up your alley a couple that roasts together stays together okay and that's why that's why me and marie are still going strong i mean she tried to break up with me today but just like a man you ain't going nowhere you try to break up with me when you you try to break up with me when you started that michaels podcast without me i said yeah marie the crazy thing is marie knew about this podcast and now she's acting like it came out of nowhere i said wow i told her about it i told her about this i saw the cover art on her page and i was like well we changed the name of the podcast

you motherfucker wow the way you're just showing your ass today i don't believe it honestly sydney I feel like me dragging your new podcast is going to make people want to listen to it just to see what you're doing over there without me. You know, that being said, I am on the first episode of the podcast. Which is, which is,

it's already out. It's already out. Bloop. Okay. So before we go, we, we wanted to introduce two new segments to the podcast. Um,

one, you know, Sydney and I, we talk about, we tell each other's business where, you know, we, we try.

Um, so we want, We actually tell each other's business on the Patreon, so that's where y'all should really be going. Bloop. But, you know, take your time. You know, this last episode might be too hot for some of y'all to handle. Yeah, I'm actually embarrassed by the tea, so.

Ooh, yikes. Anyway, so we want you guys to start sharing your tea with us. And it doesn't necessarily have to be just your business, but we want you to tell us something good. Send us the gossip of the community. Why is the cashier mad at the mechanic across the street? like what did your stepmother do when she drank too many sauv blancs slash white claws like are you fucking your best friend's man tell us that send us the key okay um you forgot your panties

where tell us we want to know why you got fired from you know the ups job that you had so are you claiming unemployment but you are fully employed let it well maybe don't tell it but yeah no tell it could be anonymous yeah yeah yeah it should be anonymous we we don't know how to read the names that y'all have so tell them how how you pulled that off because that's like a scam that some people might want to get in on right and tell us how you managed to graduate from college on time with a 0.6 gpa what did you do they was fucking they was professors that's what they were doing but that's what we want to know um so that's the first new segment tell me something good is this tea hot we send it to us and then we'll decide you know oh this tea is good so the

messier it is or the the juicier it is the the the more we'll enjoy it and then sydney the second segment the second set uh second segment is basically you know up top we usually say like what our expertise is for the week so we want you guys to pitch to us different expertises it doesn't have to be real it just has to be something good enough that you feel comfortable pitching for 60 seconds yes and and we need it on a voice memo yeah sent recorded on your phone send us a 60 second pitch of what you think that you are an expert in and then prove it to us tell us why and how and then andrew will decide if yeah so you can send i guess both of this information to um unofficial expertise at gmail.com that's unofficial expert with ise at gmail.com uh i will

figure out how to do like the actual like you can call on but for right now if you can figure out how to send a voice memo over uh gmail that would be great yeah i mean if you have an iphone it's real easy you just go to your extras you click voice memos you record for 60 seconds you send it to the not the but unofficial expertise at gmail.com yeah oh i'm so excited about all the tea that we gonna get next week this feels fun and you know also if you want to cheat on the pod just a little bit i do have a new one called hobby hunter and um if if you're if you feel like i'm not paying attention enough here then come on on down to a hobby hunter where i'm fully engaged with my guests unbelievable i love that she just did that that was beautiful

this was not discussed in the morning meeting this has been an incredible episode and thank you guys for sending that bad review because now i'm gonna be on my ass and i'm gonna work harder to prove to y'all and marie and andrew that i do want to be here thank you thank you for that review because it did make sydney she was googling wikipedia facts about history uh to share with us yeah that's your angle in for more content history facts Rosebud thank you for being just an excellent Alabaster guest

you are not going to be reviewed negatively that was great they're going to shake your hairdresser though but you were fantastic yeah yeah yeah well she deserves it that's fine you guys thank you so much I love doing this podcast I love both of you this was great so fun anyway

go have a conversation with your husband yeah everyone talk to your husband talk to my husband actually for me talk to your husband and while you're at it go on over to itunes and comment review do all those good things tell a friend that the podcast is amazing repost us do all things that you do for ariana grande i need y'all to do that for us more people need to listen to the this has been a forever dog production the unofficial expert is executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey.

Senior producer, Tracy Sorin. Produced by Andrew McGuire. Cover art by Sandy Honig. To listen to this podcast ad-free, sign up for Forever Dog Plus at foreverdogpodcasts.com slash plus. Check out video clips of our podcasts on YouTube at youtube.com slash foreverdogteam. And make sure to follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook at Forever Dog Team to keep up with all the latest Forever Dog news.