MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Open Relationship Expert" with Kerryn Feehan

Episode Date: October 14, 2016

S&M talk with comedian Kerryn Feehan about how to become experts in OPEN relationships.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today's podcast is brought to you by Zipcar.com. Earn $25 of free driving credit at www.joinzipcar.com slash unofficial experts. Hello. Hi. Welcome to the unofficial expert. Well, we are smarter than everybody listening right now. Yes, we are. We got an MBA and nothing. And nothing. And not a damn thing. A PhD and I could do that. I could do that If I had time and stuff I could totally do that Well I'm Sydney Washington And I'm Marie

You don't need to know My last name Sydney I feel like You should stop telling people That your hair is not real And how old you are And what your last name is Wait are we starting

Off the podcast With this negativity No I just feel like You need to just Cloak yourself in that What's the word I'm looking for here I don't know what the word is

Yeah I wanted to use the word cloak That doesn't go in the sentence But I'm not ashamed Of anything I'm not saying You have to be ashamed But I feel like

You could be a little bit More secretive You're obviously Not an expert In minding your damn business Yeah well you tell Everybody your business So you are an expert

At telling the world Your business Run tell that Homeboy Homeboy Marie what were You an expert in this week I was an expert

In not paying for No food this week Let me tell you How I killed the game Monday Leftovers from Sunday Okay Okay

it was like rice and peas with like carrots and beets boom killed it Tuesday leftovers from work right it was also rice and peas and jerk pork and plantains plantains

killed that then yesterday I was at an event it was open bar and like all the food was free and I was just shoving shrimp and crab cakes and just magic into arugula salads just so good you know up top i thought you were like oh i i went on a lot of dates this week somebody was paying for my food work paid and then my mom had sent me some leftovers

and then i just happened to get a wristband to this event last night because my wrists are real sexy oh that sounds boring i want to know where's the people paying for your dinners well that that's gonna happen today today i might go get some steak uh really but who uh you with our with our friend From last week Oh After this If you want to come Okay

It's going to be after this Nice Cool See me Selfless Bam Expert in selflessness Putting your girl on

Okay What did you kill it in today This week This week I was an expert In being a peeping Tom Who were you peeping at Well

I was getting off the train The J train In Bushwick Somebody pulled their dick out And you were like Why Why you want to tell my story Can I

I let you live Can you let me live Anyway I walk out of the train station McDonald's was right near my house so um you know i always walk by because i'm like oh there's always some random crackhead so i'm very cautious so i'm always looking do do do do do do do do do do do i see a man getting head in between two park cars and did you stay there to watch them finish absolutely

i was infuriated by his whole outfit okay so the outfit is what upset you not what was happening oh No. Well, first of all, he had a windbreaker on, so that's a no-no-no. I mean, I feel like those are coming back. 90s are very in now. And he had A6. A6? Okay, I own A6, so I don't really understand the problem with the footwear.

Those are a terrible, terrible sneaker. Well, what was she wearing? Was it a chick or a dude? I couldn't tell, but she was sitting down. Like, no, he or she was squatting like a get, what is it? Get your eagle on position? Oh, drop down and get your eagle on. Yeah, so I couldn't tell.

You couldn't tell if it was a chick or a dude? No. What was the hair situation? Listen, people identify with everything now, so I'm just going to say it was a person. I know it was a human being. It was a nasty-ass person. No, you ain't never gave a head outside of a McDonald's? No, I am much classier than that.

Red lobster head. Or Olive Garden cheddar biscuit dome. No. Come on, because I'm a lady. Wait, and what do you wear when you're giving head outside? Obviously, Chinese slippers. And like a baggy capri pant. Stop it.

No, I want like those stretch pants that are fake denim. That's what I want. Jeggings? Jeggings. No, no, no. But they have like the jeans stitched on those? Yes, yes. And like fake pockets?

Yes. That's what I want to wear. Well, yes. And choclentas. And I want to have a doobie. I want to have pins in my hair. Well, I mean, yeah. I guess.

Because you don't want your hair to touch the dick. That's gross. No. But I just feel like guys need to do better with their outfits when they're going outside. Women are prepared for anything. We never know when we might get a date. You've never seen a woman who was not prepared for something?

Not really. Bitches stay with an overnight bag. You see how I do. Sidney is a professional bag lady. I have makeup. I have lashes. She carries all of her makeup every day. I have perfumes. I have three pairs of glasses. Sunglasses.

Three pairs. You never know. You never know when the sun is going to come out three times or it's going to be three suns. No, I have like the paparazzi sunglasses, I have the chill glasses, I have the glasses that you can wear at night. I mean, I'm on... No, you do not have glasses you can wear at night. Listen.

Oh, God. All right. Can we start? Yes, we can start. I'm done. Okay, yes. So, we're bringing in our guest today. Oh, I'm so excited.

I love her so freaking much. And she's so good at what she does. She really is. Give it up for Karen Feehan. Yes. Hey, ladies. How are you? You have such a good podcast voice.

No, I don't. I'm nasal. I sound like a Jew Well when you said nasal You were nasally I know Just don't say that word Alright

Don't say nasal Your voice sounds like You have money Like you own property I have no money You bought me breakfast I did Don't be telling everybody

On the fucking podcast What I'm doing for you White woman Sidney Elizabeth Washington Brought me breakfast Sidney Elizabeth That ain't even my middle name bitch I know

I'm trying to cloak you It speeds up You cloak her in that Anonymity Or whatever that word is Anonymity I'm thinking about Clandestine

Anyway, people don't know about this inside joke that y'all talking about. Anyway, Karen Feehan is an amazing comedian. She is. She's really great. She'd be killing the game. Right? All day.

And she'd be hurting feelings all day long. She's a bitch. You are really good at being kind of mean. Yeah. But because you're so petite. I get away with that. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't care. Also because you're white. You think so? Yeah. Well, you're orange, so orange people get away. Wait, Marie's a bitch? What? What was this, Karen?

Not on the podcast. Karen, wait, hold on. Name two examples of when I was one. Okay, see, because I... There was a one time on the group text where we both made fun of Sydney for being early to shows all the time. That was yesterday.

You guys are awful. And then what was the second time? The second time was another time we made fun of Sydney. The podcast is over. Y'all bitches can have it. I'm out. I'm the unofficial expert. leaving this dumbass podcast.

You're the official expert of getting your feelings hurt in the group chat. Clearly. But Fihan is going to be our expert on open relationships today. Hell yeah. I'm excited. Open relationships. Now, what do you define an open relationship as? I think that

that's going to be different for everyone. Yeah, but what's your definition? Oh, there go the bullshit. My personal definition? Yeah. You are allowed to sleep with people outside of your relationship so you're in a relationship with someone right like a specific person but you're allowed to sleep with other people outside of it in my open relationship it was when we

weren't in the same city together then it was like all bets are off you can do whatever you want was there a lot of okay so if you were in Manhattan and he was in Brooklyn then that means no that's the same city no that's the state that's the same state though yes but it's New York City New York City. City don't know geography. She grew up in Oakland. We're going to cut that out. They don't have maps.

We're going to edit that out. We're going to leave that right up in there. The person I was in an open relationship with was in L.A. and New Orleans. And he was doing a lot of road gigs for the majority of our relationship. Oh, I see you plugging that he was somebody. So he was... He was his brother. Wait, so you knew he was banging other people.

So you were like, oh, I'm also going to be banging people while you're not here. What happened, I had just come out of an eight-year relationship. That sounds terrible. And I mean overlap. Like, new boyfriend picked me up from old boyfriend's apartment. Oh, okay. I've done that before, yeah. And drove me to my new place.

To, like, moved me into my new apartment. Prince Charming. Right. I mean, I love him. I still love him. We text every day. Huh? I adore him as a friend.

I love him. I love him. The lies. That sounds like the dick was gooed. Yes. Very. We had excellent sexual chemistry. Did you hear that?

Very. It was very good. It was actually quite wonderful. Very. When a bitch say very, oh my God. When was the last time you said the word very? Very. You guys really know how to make your guests feel at home.

Thank you. So it was very good. The dick was, you was digmatized. Huge penis. Like very large. Is that really a big deal, Karen? I like a big dick. Yeah, but if it's big and he don't know what he's doing with the dick,

doesn't that mean something sometimes but like if it's hard enough i'll figure it out if it's hard enough oh my god well why what do you mean you see a lot of big limp dicks is that what i mean i've dealt with some limp dicks in my life but were they big though yeah one of them was yeah people have drug addictions in this country this is true i agree you know okay so you and your boo um all right so i'm with that guy for eight years right so i'm i don't even i have no morning period for this relationship. It's just boom, right into the next one.

And he's like, how did you meet this next one? At comedy. That's where you be failing at life. Why are you dating? I hate that shit. I hate when people say don't date comics.

I don't do it. I love funny guys. Why wouldn't I date somebody that I think is funny? I like funny people better than regular people. That's the problem with women. We will date somebody

because they're funny and dudes are like, nah, you need to have your shit on point. Listen, we'll date a funny dude who ain't got no teeth, lives at his mom's house, sleeps on a pull-out twin bed that he shares with his grandma. Exactly. Yeah, no. You can date somebody who's funny who's not a comedian.

A lot of comedians aren't funny. Are not funny. I agree. I agree. I mean, most of the comedians I've dated have been pretty successful. I like somebody who owns a bank that has a sense of humor. Owns a bank? Owns a bank, yeah.

Oh, J.D. Cooper? Yeah. Is it a J.P. Morgan? J.P. Morgan? J.P. Morgan? J.D. Cooper Pricewater Cooper Chase

is his name T.D.? is his first name T.D.? Anderson is he like T.D.? T.D. like

T.D.? T.D. Bank they have a lot of ATMs so wait what was your question Sid? yeah

was there a question? it was more of an insult no yeah because she was saying that she did comics and I'm just like

wait what? why? I wouldn't I can't we can't have the same struggle like that we're both struggling to be funny i mean even if he's more established he still has struggling with his ego that is that i think that you hit the nail on the head that's like the main

issue with dating comics the narcissism and the insecurity and you're like listen i have all that myself i don't need you piling any of yours on mine and you ain't got no money and i know you ain't got no money and then i gotta see you bomb oh my god my guy never mom my guys all you want to talk about is comedy like can we talk about like my bangs or something literally anything else um so i don't think i could do it but you it was through comedy that you met dude number two dude number two right um and i was also bartending at the time and i started working with this guy and i knew i was gonna have sex with him and the thing is i didn't how did you know did you get a tingle he smelled good oh everything i was gorgeous oh do you want to see his picture

Yeah, show us a picture of you. He was so hot. Let's see. And it was like right away, like day one. I'm like, oh, there's no way we're not having sex. Okay, well, I don't think I've ever felt that. I've never thought that. I've never thought that.

Absolutely. You've seen somebody and you've been like, oh, we're going to have sex. Absolutely, yes. Yes. Listen, I do the opposite. I think, oh, we definitely, we're never going to touch, ever. Let me see. Oh, okay.

Yeah, it took you three pictures to get me to the good stuff. Well, he had a suit on to the body. Okay, that suit. I wasn't feeling that suit. Does that mean he has a job? Yeah, the suit is too baggy. It's looking men's warehouse right off the rack. Very.

It's giving me Burlington Co. factory clearance 70% off real estate. Filings basement. Filings? It's giving me low men's men's department. It was very clearance. Very Macy's. It's very Century 21. Filings?

Filings. Oh, he's so cute, though. Look at him there. Wait, so he came in. Oh, he's so cute. He's got tattoos. He got on a polo. a white man with a tattoo

gonna kill you a white man without a tattoo also gonna kill you that's a great photo he look old in that photo girl that photo too gritty for me he's serving the good the bad and the ugly realness yeah it's like western I don't like that

like German over time he has like a weird skinny face so yeah I just knew but I loved Keith the guy I was dating I loved him and I didn't want to break up with him

but you talked to him I told him right away I'm going out and I'm going to get some ass I'm going to get some dick do you mind and he did not mind he agreed too that was sort of the turning point

we sort of had to make a decision because I wasn't going to cheat on him and I guess he could have broken up with me since I wanted to have sex with someone else you're not afraid that you're going to die when you come up to your white boyfriend and say, hey... No, Keith was black, yeah.

Oh, he was black. Oh, then you weren't afraid that he was going to smack you in the face and be like, hey, I want to sleep with somebody else. I don't want to cheat on you, but we going back. No, he seemed very chill.

This is my other thing I believe in. People are very cyclical with their relationships. Like, my eight-year guy was abusive in a certain way. Like, emotionally. And when I quit drinking, I had less than support.

Like, I don't even know how to describe it. Was he a white man? Yeah. It was the opposite of the poem. Well, that sounds very correct. Very. We're going to run that very down.

We're going to save that for the rest of the podcast. But Keith was like more of a beta. Like he was really just like sweet and nice. He looked like he would give you that quinoa dick. Is that? That quinoa dick. I'm sorry. Please explain what that is.

I'm very confused. First of all, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced quinoa. um shut up quinoa that sounds like a woman that works at the dmv no one actually works at filene's basement i don't know how you don't know that very so he okay wait hold on so let's go back to this so then what happened you sleep with this dude yeah and i mean i sort of with or without a condom none of your business um that means without oh you were raw dogging bitch with the dude with that dude from the photo yeah with all the tattoos i mean i guess the first the first the first couple times we used

a condom and then what's the first couple keep his men men like the men's house warehouse or whatever blazer on did he do nah he took all his clothes off and put the blazer back on they banged in dress shoes that would be amazing put it on my face why do you do that i actually ended up writing an article about him because he would fuck me and stare at his own tattoos he i would catch him looking at his own arms and i'd be like hello he was like this counts as an arm workout for the day yeah um and i ended up writing something about that but no so he and i sort of had like a mini relationship while i was still having a relationship with keith like i met this guy's father he came to a few wait so you met his dad and you weren't

officially his girl yeah but that was just like in town it was yeah it was like it wasn't like So y'all were just hanging out at the deli, just grabbing some sandwiches. It was at his place. His dad was staying at his apartment for a couple days. Uh-uh. I don't know how it feels like that. Did you meet Keith's dad?

Keith's dad, no. Keith doesn't really have a relationship with his father. That was going to be my follow-up question. Because it's very common. His dad was in prison for like 14 years. Don't be talking about his dad on this podcast. Don't you talk about his dad on this podcast. You have some respect.

No, they have multiple jokes about her dad. Put some respect on it, orange lady. They went on Jimmy Fallon talking about it, so I don't really feel bad. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's get to the good stuff. Yeah.

All right, so... So after that, you then started doing open relationships with, like, everybody? No, this was my only open relationship, but I'm not against it. And I'm struggling right now with the person I'm dating because men just can't do it. Like, men would rather cheat on you. then be honest. Yep. Yes.

I agree with that. And it's just so weak. It's so cowardly. It's so disrespectful. It drives me insane. It's like treating your partner like they don't deserve the same truth

that you're living. It's like, it drives me nuts. Girl, you're dropping bombs right now. Have you ever cheated on somebody? Yeah, of course. Sydney, you've cheated on somebody? Absolutely.

I've never cheated on somebody. Marie, how many relationships have you had, though? One. Exactly. exactly I cheated on my 8th grade boyfriend

with who like a 9th I hope it was a 9th grade I was I was out of state I was in he was in Massachusetts and I was in Austin

oh my god me too really yeah I had a in 8th grade no no no I was in college I had a boo in Massachusetts

and I had a boo in Philadelphia wow that's the same coast yeah and I I had a Tiffany's and coat bracelet

from one of them and then what you have What was your name on it on your birthday? Oh, he didn't, pizza and cola. What? Pizza and cola. Was it cream soda? It was cola.

It was like RCA, what is it? RC. What kind of cola it is? RC. RC, yeah, that. You got it. So funny. I've never cheated on anybody because I'm a good Christian queen.

Thank you. So you have cheated, but men cheat regularly because they don't want to admit that they want to sleep with somebody else. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just this controlling, manipulative mechanism that they've been, you know, brought up to, like, seriously, like, sincerely believe that if a woman doesn't know, that it doesn't hurt her, that it can't hurt her. Yeah, but I feel like knowing is better? No. It's complicated.

I mean, I'd just rather you, like, treat me, you know, the way, I don't think they lie to their guy friends like that. They be lying. They lie to their guy friends, too. They be lying. They be like, yeah, and then she came 18 times. She said I was the best she ever had And she left my house She couldn't even walk

That's what they say And then she made me a grilled cheese Y'all ain't got no cheese You ain't got no cheese in the house You ain't got no gas Connected to your Shut the fuck up Greg

Greg you live at your mama's house And she don't believe in cheese And you asked me for a metro swipe Okay Greg Let me get a swipe Oh man Oh my man you got a swipe

So wait how do you propose these things these open relationships i just said it to him i was just like hey how do you feel about being in an open relationship because the truth is we jumped into a closed relationship too quickly like i wasn't done with that you know how you gotta like spread your wings a little after you're in a relationship for a while no no i don't sew your oats no my wings have been closed since september you gotta like get you gotta like get it in no right this Sound like very white women behavior, right? Yes, very.

Very. Well, it's a rebound. I'm on a rebound for three years just banging everybody. No, I told you. This was an overlapping relationship. I never had any time. It sounded like you spread your wings from one relationship right into the other relationship, though. Yeah, but that wasn't a good idea.

You were hopscotching to the next dick. I see you. That wasn't a good idea, though. Like, I should have been like, I need a little time to eat. Yeah, it needs to rest. It needs to recuperate. Oh, no, my mistake. I mean, you gotta let your vagina use some if it's vacation days.

you do so is there like a weight requirement like you only tell men who are under 150 pounds like so you don't get fucked up like how do you just tell it over the phone yeah a regular dude like hey why i think men and women are different i'm happy to communicate and do it up front i told him before i slept with the guy because we had been flirting we had been texting we were trying to like kind of starting to like make plans and i was like i can't go make plans but Did you put it in a calendar? Oh, yeah. She put it in a calendar.

Oh, yeah. I mean, this wasn't my only little mini relationship. I had probably like three or four little mini relationships. Wow. Wow. Karen is just out here. Now, are we calling them relationships because you met all the dads? Or were you just banging three?

Yeah, I was just banging the dads, too. Just a dad magnet. I call them mini relationships because I think that's how, that's another difference between women and men. Like, we're more aroused if we are emotionally connected in some way. aroused. I'm going to go ahead and say that's a no. I'm going to say aroused. I don't want to be emotionally connected to anybody. You don't. I'm not even emotionally

connected to myself. Brie is a strange Brie. Brie's like Buddy Bird. She just doesn't want any type of like, I love you. Don't ask me how I'm doing. I feel or touching. No heart to heart. No touching base. Don't check in with eye contact. Yeah, she's the opposite of that. Don't even look in my eyes when you talk to me.

Look at my forehead. Well, I'm looking at you right now, bitch. Yeah, but we're not. Ain't no chemistry here. There is none. absolutely none so funny so have you ever like proposed an open relationship

to somebody who freaked out like was like hell no and like threw your laptop out the window or something yeah

who like my like the current person that like I'm I'm kind of seeing well isn't he Puerto Rican well you know

their blood is white I don't know why you would try to do that I thought you were at a Starbucks or somewhere public when you asked him Okay, let me be him.

Let's just reenact. Okay, how'd it go? Yeah, how'd it go? Do it. Wait, where were you guys first? Let me set the scene. Where were you guys at? Probably just outside on the street.

Wait, I'm him. Okay, so I'm just walking by. I'm just walking by, walking my dog. You're being Sydney right now. Yeah, you're going to be me. I'm him. Okay. Hey, Karen, you're so funny.

Your set was so good last night. She is really funny, isn't she? And that ass is fat. Thanks, babe. Can I fuck your friends? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't date Puerto Rican men. That was a great reenactment.

That's going to win an Emmy, for sure. That's an EGOT right there. Thank you. Ask for Emmy. Thank you. Okay, hold on. Let's just do this over one more time. Yeah.

All right. Hey, babe, can I borrow 50 bucks? May I, may I borrow $50? Karen. Oh, want to judge your friend? I fucked last night. And scene. Why am I doing a man voice too?

Yeah, because you are a man. You're playing yourself with that voice? You are a man. Somebody said that to me. I went in for like this casting thing and they were looking for like a female host and I was telling them, I was in the midst of my open relationship

and I was explaining my ideologies and stuff and the dude looks at me and goes, you're kind of like a dude. That dude doesn't get none Way to bring it down, Karen, by saying you're a dude People have told me that I'm like a man I've been called the man in my relationship You're not a man, Marie, at all

You're just Disconnected I took a test, I'm 90 What was it? 96% male 96% masculine And you guys think that's funny It's hilarious, because you know Sydney

It would just be a vagina that pops out after she took the test. Your blood type is estrogen. It would just be an open heart. You ain't got no testosterone. My heart is very open. Aw. Which sounds really gay.

That's so gay. Which makes sense coming from you. Okay, so how do you feel about different things entering you during the same period of time? I'm sorry, what? Double penetration?

How do you feel about that? Nobody's getting DP'd. Okay, would you hook up with one guy and then hook up with him another one the next day? Yeah, next day. How does that feel?

How do you turn that off? I slept with both my exes in a 24 hour period like less than a year ago well tell us the time tell us the time what time did you bang with the first one

so I oh I went over like my ex the actor ex and it's been a very long time since I've had sex with him but he is like my friend

did like this reading and she thinks that we've been like intertwined for like age like past lives oh I would smack my friend in the face

she did a reading of like her tarot cards I'd rip them cards you know why we're gonna stay with some cards we're like bitch if you don't get out of here

with them fucking cards. She's like, this is the night of cups. That means that your moon is rising. Get them cards. And what that means is, you can get some dick. But it's going to be old dick.

Bitch, I know you got them cards on sale at Target. Get them out of here right now. That's just the king of clubs. That's a joker card. You're just like, what, I got a flush? Wait, hold on.

So she said that you got, wait, so what time did you bang the first dude? So I, like, say early afternoon. Give us a schedule. And then the next dude you banged, what time? Because I probably did yoga

first in the morning because the guy lives Because you've got to get the semen out via yoga. You've got to do your vinyasa or whatever. Your third eye has to remove the semen. He would always get me too. And he's not a comedian. He's an actor.

And he would get me because he would just be like funny. What did I say? What is with you with these funny... I like funny guys. Do you know how many funny famous people I see every day? We're funny. Banging none of them. How come you don't want us?

I do. You are constantly rejecting me. And she's never asked me because she knows. on the record marie is not gay she wants no parts um sorry wait how are we not able to finish this okay so you banged two dudes in a 24-hour period have you ever banged two dudes at the same time no don't hold back i don't have that kind of concentration i don't have that kind of manpower i feel like if you put your mind to it oh my god i would that's the other problem with men now like i mean i i tapped out of a threesome with

another girl once because we started and then she came out with these like diesel bomb tits and had like barbells through both of them and I'm like,

I gotta go. I gotta go. That's too much. You were intimidated by her nipples? By the size, the sheer size of her breasts. Did you not know

she had boobs before she took her clothes off? I think I knew but I didn't know they had barbells through them, yeah. They were real breasts? Yeah, yeah.

With barbells? Why would you do that to your titties? Did you touch them? Why did Kendall do it? She kept wanting me to do it. She's like, here's like my titty.

I was like, I don't know I just wanted to go And then I like Made the guy Like spoon me So he like Wouldn't touch her

For the rest of the night I was like We're going to sleep Oh she spent the night Yeah We're wasted This is college No I would go home

There's no way I'm not staying After you curve me No way You don't leave I gotta be the big spoon Cause I got the big boobs I'm taking my barbells

And going home And eat some ramen She was my roommate She was my roommate What So home was Across the hall No we were like

At this other guy's apartment We lived in an apartment So you had to walk across the square to get... I got kicked out of all the dorms of my college. Why? I had my own apartment by the time I was a sophomore. What'd you do?

Wait, you got kicked out of all the dorms as a freshman? As a sophomore. By the time I was a sophomore, yes. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. I did 90 hours of community service. I was just smoking pot and drinking. It was a dry dorm.

It was right over here. Oh, did you graduate? Yes. Okay. Well, that's all that matters. Yeah. No, no, no. I have a BA in acting and I minored in French.

So you work as a waitress Yeah And a bartender There we go And I'm on reality television Oh that's right You are doing that Now have you gotten

Any new dick From the reality TV stuff No No But all I'm getting Are like fat guys That are like Hey I think you're

Kind of a bully But you want to hang out Oh people who like You know To be disrespected Yeah but Do you want to hang out Would you ever do

Would you ever be Like a dominatrix I have one guy On my phone Who's my pay pig Who Wait wait wait Wait, is that, are you going into leading into dominatrix stuff?

It's financial dominatrix. It's not necessarily. How I sign up for that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give it. You be good at him. He's fun. I got him from.

So you don't have sex. I got him from Micah Fox, too. Okay, so. Micah getting her rent paid due? She's, yeah. Like, bills. Rory, these white women are making it happen. Girl, we are very behind.

Very. It's a pay pick? Okay, so it's some white man who's just giving, he's dropping money in the account. Do I need to see him? Wait, is it? No, never. He'll try, but you never have to see him. And it's through like Square Cash?

PayPal, babe. PayPal. PayPal. And he keeps saying, what the hell is Square Cash? Square Cash, you get the money, you get it directly. Oh, nice. Like the same day. Oh.

I mean, they charge you a dollar, but listen. Okay, but I just, I'd rather get all the money like a day late. Don't take my dollar. Right. I'm going to need that dollar. Okay, so wait, go back to this pay pig. Right. So he just, his fetish is being financially dominated.

So he'll text me late. It's a lot on Friday. Cause you know, we just got paid and he'll be like, hi, what are you doing? Wait, E-E-E-K. I will show you guys. It's so fun. It's so fun. Do you have a picture of him?

I can show you cause he's on Facebook. Yeah. Let's see. Um, he, I want to see the type of guys that are just like, they're texting Eek. You're going to die. Wait, he's like, what are you doing? And then you're like, I'm out here trying to pay some, bounce my checkbook. And he's like, oh, I'll pay for everything.

Legit, you don't even have to write a sentence. You just write send. That's amazing. I'm so good at typing send. I know you are. I'll give you his number right now. And he'll see a picture of Marie with the bangs. Yeah, he needs a picture just to know.

But this is horrible. He looks like an eek. He looks like eek. Oh, wait. What does he do? Bitch, he going to kill you. What does he do? He don't find you and kill you.

How does he have any money? Here's the thing. I don't think... I need to upgrade my pay pick. Yes, you do. Yeah, how much? I need to find a similar person who's making more money than this guy.

How much money does this dude give you? 20 bucks a pop. You can get like 40 in one night, probably max. Well, that's nothing. I know, girl. You got to pay up to a little... But it's money for nothing.

That's like an Uber. That's an Uber pool right there. You got to pay up to a little Abu Dhabi pay pick. I know, but this is my first one. I'm just like a baby. I'm like a novice. And his bro, he's got a cat in his profile pic. Like, come on.

And he's a cat dude, girl. Sydney, you have two cats and they're dying right now. Shut up. Shut up. That's why Eek, Eek is going to skin you. Eek is going to skin you and wear your skin. Your leather. Your skin is already leather.

Yo, Eek ain't got enough money to just be giving you money. Eek doesn't have any money. No, he spends it all on me and Mike. Mike and I will like play off each other like he'll text me he'll be like hey what are you doing

I'll be like send Mike a money and then he'll send it oh my god ew that's crazy okay Sydney how do we not know

about these pay peaks listen because we're just trying to be independent women paying for our own things even though you don't want to pay for your things but you're like oh you know

I'm not going to do too much it's not that I just I don't want to I don't like owing anybody anything right I don't like like you give me money

like I don't I feel like I don't like oh but if somebody buy you steak, you're like, oh, I owe you nothing. I don't owe you nothing. We broke bread over a filet. We talked.

We discussed. There was an exchange. Exactly. In exchange for you feeding me, you got to spend time with me. Karen, do you have any statistics like how many people are in open relationships in New York City? 6%. That's it? That sounds wrong. In New York City?

It's probably because I made it up. I feel like in New York City it's probably more like 86%. It's probably a lot. People have different parameters and different rules, though, too. Some people are like, oh, we're in open relationships, but they'll just bring other people into their bedroom where they're both. Oh, like swingers? Have you ever been to a swingers party?

No, but I've been invited. Why didn't you go? Yeah, what happened? I wasn't familiar with everybody who was going to be there. So you just fucking go. You weren't strangers then. I guess I wasn't in the place. I think maybe I was in a relationship.

I wasn't in a place. Oh, you're like, oh, this is too much. I'm still allowed to make decisions for myself oh here we go you can go to the swingers party and decide for yourself and just laugh at everybody and then eat the hors d'oeuvres I'm like cause you know no one else will be eating

who invited you? you should have just went there for the story bitch listen if you're listening to this right now and you want to invite me or Sydney Washington Sydney Elizabeth Washington to a swingers party we'll come we might not sit on the swing with you but we will

you guys will just point and laugh at everyone I will wear my Timbaland boots. I will wear my Timbaland boots and orgy. In case of what? I will braid my hair down and throw on a do-rag with the tail out for the swinger party. I will wear white socks and Tims. I will wear a choker. You know chokers.

Oh, chokers are very- I will wear a damn choker. Chokers are in right now. Yeah, they are. I will wear a windbreaker around my waist. No, you will not. No, you will not. You're walking around the swinger party.

Hey, catch me. I will come with an Adidas tracksuit that I can like just clip off like a tear away a rip away

oh yeah a windbreaker just around the waist we'll go to one tonight okay look find one find one ask your pay pig

to pay the entrance wait would you would you go to a swingers party in New York City or out of state I'd go to one in New York City why not

I feel like the New York ones are probably they probably have like one economically I think that would be more I feel like a swingers party in Miami would be popping fuck yeah

It sounds like a lot of cocaine Ain't nothing wrong with that Cocaine and fake asses Cocaine, yeah Wouldn't you want to go to an orgy like that? No Marie, what kind of orgy would you go to? I was like, I need a clear head

Shut up And I need people who don't have like Does cocaine make you feel like you're invincible? Yes Because I don't need you running up on me Grabbing me Because you got cocaine muscles We're going to fly together

Marie, people Jump with me, Marie Marie, people stay running up on you But they don't be on cocaine. They be on just adrenaline. They're on white. That's what they are. They be on white and they be on adrenaline.

White privilege. White. They be like, I'm going to go speak to Marie. Very. She's very funny and approachable. She might be open to this. Hey, Marie, it's me. You don't really know me.

That's the story of my life. Hey, Marie, we're on the same train. I was just wondering if you want to get off at my stop because you have nothing to do and you should hang out with me. True story. Verbal. This white man said that to me on the train. Shut up.

Yeah, he complimented me. I responded. He was like, so I'm getting off here. Oh, in that case, let me get my thing. Let me get my thing. What the hell? I was like, sir, if you want to get your one run. And he had my MetroCard on my face. He had that rolling backpack, too.

The traveling backpack. He had snacks in that bitch. He had juicy juice. Ice cold water. Mountain dew. Marie would you do an open relationship like

in like six years from now six years from now why six years because I'm going to be 30 I fucking hate you this podcast is over I'm so done because I'm going to be 30 years old and I'll be

mature what I do in open relationships I feel like my thing with relationships is I don't want to see you every day one and I don't want you asking me what I'm doing when I'm not with you that's it so I feel like yeah I could do an open relationship if it was like

two people somebody gonna catch you in the Whole Foods and kill you kill you you're gonna be at the buffet and someone's gonna stab you in the head luckily I am a Trader Joe's hoe so she's safe it's not gonna be me at Whole Foods

everybody's different I mean you don't know in like what time what period I don't know if I'm that into doing open relationships now. Like, I was sort of brought it up to the person I'm seeing because we have some trust issues. What's the issues? You don't trust him? I don't trust him.

I mean, he has, I guess, supposedly, you know, a reason not to trust me. I would trust you. Implicitly. Look at you. You look trustworthy. I feel like I don't know if I... I mean, you have this dress on,

and you do look trustworthy now, and the hair is in a slicked back low pony. I can play trustworthy. Yes, but I feel like... secretary vibes. I could be cast as trustworthy, but I'm not. No. Something about your eyebrows. Your eyebrows is like...

You have them Jafar eyebrows. You got the Ursula eyebrows. I don't like all the guilt. You learn from different relationships. Being in an eight-year relationship, it's so wet under there. Why would you kick that? Sydney's trying to shove her feet under Karen's

armpit. In the studio. We were in a very fancy studio. my armpits probably wetter than my pussy right now nice why would your pussy be wet at all because we're here we're here why would you ask that question we start talking about sydney's dying cat very just throw all the words we're getting no work done here no work And it's so hot in here. We can't afford AC.

We're in the penthouse, but we have no AC. I thought we had to crack the door open for the next one. Yeah, we will. Because there will be three black people in here the next one. It's going to be way too hot. Okay, so what would you say? So I feel like because there was so much infidelity and lying that... In this current relationship.

Well, in my eight-year relationship, that's what led me to being like... Especially because I was dealing with quitting drinking all at the same time. Oh, that's right. You're sober. How long have you been sober? This time around, a year and a half. Nice. Congrats.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Do you want to say how long it's been for you? Almost two years in October. That's great. You guys want to know how long it's been for me? When was it? 26 hours.

Last drink. Eight hours. Sauvignon Blanc. She had a rosé. She had a rosé. She had a curiel. Yeah. I had a couple rosés.

She had a Negroni. That's fantastic. I did not have a Negroni. I'm not an old-ass man. What, I look like an old white man? That's a summer dream, bitch. Named Bert. Bert.

Named Charles. Named Edgar. Ethan. I'm here for the Negroni. Can I have two Negronis? Just one ice cube. A Tom. Tom likes.

Very thirsty. Can I have a Tom Collins? Tom Collins. Oh my God, I hate it. A gimlet. Can I have a gimlet? I hate people who are after that. Can I have a straight

A perfect Manhattan An old fashioned Wait how did we get to these old white man drinks I don't know Okay so Karen did you have a story about something that you wanted to share I got caught So we had parameters Why didn't you say this up top bitch

You guys don't shut up I don't know if you Shut your black ass up Very I'm so hot Can I open this door It's making us delusional. It's making us delirious.

Just open the door. All right. So we have parameters. The rule, because he was a comic, was no comics. No, I can hear everything. Can you? I have two stories. I'm sure.

I can hear it. It's so hot. She can hear it. Yeah. We're almost done. We have like nine hours left. We've got this. You've got to just breathe into it.

We're going to sit outside for a little bit. So listen. So whatever. we got caught want to know how he caught me took the iPad that he had purchased

for me and cracked into my iCloud and then linked up so we could see my text messages on my phone that's some

MacGyver like CIA type of like shit right that is so white man that is some lifetime movie realness right there

he found out the nickname I was calling the other dude and texted me that nickname and I was on a bus I almost peed my pants

I was like oh crap because I had broken the rules I had failed at being in an open relationship. But there's one particular. How did you fail at being in an open relationship? Because here's the thing. How do you feel that?

No comics, like on just a pure numbers game, that's far more difficult for me than it is for him. And I'm not saying that there's not beautiful women in comedy. Of course there is. I'm just talking pure ratios. No, but he's going to hook up with somebody who's not in comedy because he's a man. Right, exactly.

But if you're a woman, you're going to hook up with a guy that's in comedy, which our options are like so scarce. You want to know what he did to fuck up? What? So my thing is like, out of sight, out of mind, don't ask, don't tell, but do not embarrass me. I'm still your girlfriend. You're my boyfriend. Do not embarrass me.

Well, that's hard. Shut up. Because you embarrassed yourself. I know. That's fine. I can do it all day. That's fine. Yeah, but that's personal.

Okay. Posted, got tagged in a picture when he was in Canada with four other chicks. Whoa. Wait, let me finish. Did they have clothes on? Yeah. Was his dick out? The caption said, this was the last time, you know, Keith, whatever, was ever seen again.

Very, like, you know, they're, like, all over him, like, hugging him and stuff. And I was like, he's in Canada. Of course he's going to sleep with another girl. That's fine. I don't care. I assume you're going to. But everybody can see that picture. Was she cute?

Don't embarrass me. Were they? There were four girls. Nah, they were, like, basic. They were Canadians. They were Canadians. Canadian and white. They look like bacon.

Basic. Fake bacon. Canadian bacon. Turkey bacon. so i you know i got really upset and i but i screen grabbed of course the picture and he because he took it down immediately and i just kept reposting it on his facebook wall you crazy woman you over and again i was like why are you taking this down why did you do this because i don't care what it is but don't don't embarrass me don't do it not not on facebook not on instagram

That doesn't even sound like it's that embarrassing, though, to be like... It was a very suggestive photo. It was that... It's whatever. Was the sex good? Just let's talk about... Let's get into the sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I told you Dick was good. But he had some of the best sex I've ever had. I love... What was the craziest time you've had with him? Crazy? We weren't that crazy. We were very, like, domestic. Very?

That's the most sex that you guys had in a day. Probably, like, I don't know, four or five times. Nothing. Sitting doing numbers. That's nothing girl With her dying cat What about you Marie I don't know

I don't I plead the fifth Marie My mama My mama listens to this podcast Your mama is not Going to listen to this podcast Y'all so nasty

Who can't Is not going to listen To this podcast I am a lady Okay So zero times That's the amount That's the amount of times

Sydney How many times Probably like six She just had to Do one more No No I did She was going to say one more.

I did. If I said 39, she would have said 40. I was on Molly, though. And I was in Miami. And he paid for it. He paid for the Molly or the sex? Are you a prostitute? No.

On the record. I was with my boyfriend. Then I found out he put the trip on his corporate card. I was like, are you kidding me? I mean, it's not on my card. I don't care. So you were dating the company. Is the company still looking?

because I would actually be open to trying some molly in Miami. Karen, I feel like we learned nothing. Not a damn thing. But we have a quiz for you. We have a quick quiz for you.

It's going to be so, oh my God, this is how we crown you. We want to see if you're truly an expert in this. Okay, hold on, let me just get my quarts. You're a great guest. We really enjoy you as a friend. Thank you

Learned nothing Sorry Would never introduce you To my dad though No Why Because my dad Is a judgy ass pastor

You know my dad is a pastor I didn't know that Well now you know That's crazy God The Bible Matthew 617 You're like

I'm just trying to get To the fridge What kind of slacks He got on When he preached My dad My dad stayed In a high water

a sweat pant. In a high water sweat pant. Please, what color? Like a light gray sweat pant. But like the elastic be so like old that it doesn't it doesn't stretch. He gotta pin him up.

He ties a rope from outside to a tree. He's tying him up. Oh my god. Okay, we're gonna do this quiz. You're gonna do this quiz. Are you ready? Kieran are you ready

yeah but I didn't study no you know these answers but you're the expert so we'll see well this is not even really open relationship this is just sex stuff

oh cool cause you a hoe I've never had sex cause you Zuni called you a hoe not me you the

no uh Karen can you name three sex positions where the woman is on top I mean

I don't know reverse cowgirl okay boom what's just regular being on top what's that called that's called hell

but um i don't know i don't know what's like a like a like a the scissor style one is that both people on the same level yeah what's that but i'm like sideways i don't know that move can you show us can you show us on sydney yeah that's like so like if that's like a visual thing so he can see both your ass and your oh okay we'll take that yeah i don't know that move i've done that before it's good it's good because if he has good enough arms you can hold on to his arms. I'm all about leverage so I can get the best

out of my lower body. You got to strengthen your core while you're doing that. You're right. I'm here for that. Okay, you didn't get all three, but that's fine. What do you mean?

I said, what's regular woman on top? What's that called? I think that's just, again, called, nah, I did it last time. I did. What is a dirty Sanchez? I don't know. Is that like some shit,

like how something to do with poop? yeah you're getting you're getting you're getting there this is a sydney elizabeth washington question whatever it is it's gross it has something franchise i don't know somebody eats your butt and then kisses you you get like a butt mustache like a poop mustache oh i'm gonna give you that i'll give you that Poop mustache. Is it? Yeah.

It's a doo-doo mustache. What is it? It's a doo-doo. It's doo-doo, doobie-doo. It's the Doobie Brothers. Okay, here's number three, Miss Feehan. What's the difference between an orgy and a train? So, like, an orgy, there's, like, multiple couples and people, like,

sucking and fucking and a train is just when a bunch of dudes run a train on a hoe. Now, can a group of women run a train on a dude? I don't see why not. We should be able to. We have rights. I want to see a woman. I want to see a couple women run a train

on a Jamal. Why can't it be an Edgar? No, that is not train-worthy name. That sounds like the conductor, not the train. I kind of want to rape one of these male comics talking shit just to see if they'll go to the police

right away. If you could rape a male comedian, who would you rape? Tim Dillon. Really? Yeah. I don't think he would

let you rape him. Matteo Lane. What? Joel Kim Booster. All the gay male comics? Yeah, those are the only ones that I feel comfortable raping. That's awful.

Okay, what's the last question? Here you go, Sydney. The last question. For the fourth $100,000 million question. Okay, this is the big question. Are you ready? Yeah.

Are you ready, The Hand? Are you ready? Open relationship expert. Name a state where polygamy is legal. Oh, fucking, it's like Iowa or Idaho or Oregon or something. It's like one of these

middle of the country square states. Never seen a body of water. Fucking creeps. Yeah, it's one of those states. What is it? Wisconsin or something? No, I think that's near water. What is it?

What is that fucking, like it's where Brigham and Young is, that university. It's the Mormon. Yes, it's the Mormon state. What state is that? Utah? Yes!

Oh my god, you got it. We are the champions, my friends. Oh man, sister wives. I don't like polygamy. You got it. Could you imagine being married to somebody and there being other people also married to that person?

No. Do you want to get married? No. Oh. I wouldn't marry you anyway. No. I hate the institution of marriage. I think that brides are the most selfish monsters on the planet.

What? Why do they need to make their friends spend so much money and take so much time? Because they should. That's absolutely ass-baster. So you could always go to Justice of the Peace. That's cheap. Yeah, sure. If I were to ever be forced to get married because of whatever legal trouble I'm in,

I would go to the Justice of the Peace. I would go to City Hall. I wouldn't even tell anybody. Would you wear a white suit? I'd wear a body suit from American Apparel. A wedding for me is where I cash out on my friends. All the times I held your hair, all the times we stayed up until 6 a.m. talking, I want to get my money. And that's how I got it done.

I can never help my hair. And anytime we've ever been on the phone until 6 a.m., it's because of a problem that you were having. I agree. So you ain't cashing in on no 6 a.m. phone call with me. Marie, I wasn't including you in that. Okay. You're not even one of the brides. Yeah, you're not.

I feel like she wants me to officiate. I'm going to FaceTime. She wants me to officiate. I thought you were going to be the maid of honor. I'm just going to FaceTime you while we're getting married. I want to be the ring bearer. I want to wear a little tuxedo, carry a tiny ass pillow. You don't even tell her.

You just said her like a bride emoji. I did it. That is very, very correct. I'm like, that is very mean of you, Sydney Elizabeth. This has been outstanding. We've had so much fun with you, Feehan. And do you have anything else that you want to say about open relationships before we go? Like what I said in the beginning.

I think she said enough. I think we're good. I think we want to know about your projects. Where can we catch you? You have a show, right? I have a show called Stand Up and Take Your Clothes Off. Of course. It's the longest running all-female show in New York City.

October will be our five-year anniversary. It's the first Sunday of every month. We don't know when we're going to put this out. But that's fine because it's the first Sunday of every month. Yes, the first Sunday of every month. And it's burlesque as well, right? Right. Marie and I have definitely done that show, and it's been so much fun.

And I was so upset that nobody wanted me to take my clothes off. It was great. I did. I was waiting. I was like, come on, Marie. Let me see your shoulder. I had on too many layers. And also, you're on TV, too.

Yeah. My Big Fat Fabulous Life. I am the Omarosa of that show. You are out here starting all the problems. You know, Omarosa just got a promotion. She's Donald Trump's Minister of Black People or something like that. It does not seem like a real thing.

I'm pretty sure that's the title. She's the Gatherer of Negroes. She's the Negro Whisperer. That's an awesome name. Speaking of Negroes, Sydney and I, two negruses on the podcast right now, we have a monthly comedy show also

called The Warm Up. Warm Up. And it's the second Saturday of every month. Karma Lounge. Karma Lounge every Sunday. It literally is the hottest show. It has the hottest people, hottest comedians,

comedians and it's super hot in the in the basement fire so hot fuego the fuego very very hot uh guys thank you so much for listening this has been so much fun check out feehan where can they find you like can you spell your name so people know where to find you yeah or do you not want people to find you because they found you they can follow me on twitter at k freehams that is a handle i created to trick fat people into following me oh my god freehams you know what I feel like we're good sitting here. And what about Instagram? Same handle.

But you can just, my name is spelled weird, okay? Yes. My mother did it. She thinks it's cool. Maureen. Maureen. Shout out to Maureen Feehan.

Maureen Tutan, Feehan, O-G Tutan. O-G Tutan. But it's K-E-R-R-Y-N. It's like Erin with a K. It's a short E. I'm sorry. Terrible. K-E-R-R-Y-N.

Thank you, queen of all the way quimim. you have been a gem this is so much fun thank you Feehan even in the heat it was fun we love you so much thanks guys

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