MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Petty Expert" with Paris Sashay

Episode Date: April 20, 2018

PETTY - an immature person who habitually overreacts. Paris Sashay is teaching us how to quit our jobs in the messiest way, how to make a terrible sandwich and how to get revenge on a ex that cheated on you... after you cheated first. Grab a glass of Hennessy and listen to the best way to overreact in the worst situations.Follow Paris Sashay Instagram & Twitter @parissashay----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's that from some song is it wait no is that mary j bosch i don't know what it's from but steady oh you're ready oh you're ready that's what it is oh my god you got that so fast wow you would think you were good at taboo it's crazy how bad at it you are. Do you want to tell the people what happened? Yes, let's talk about it. So Sydney and I get booked for shows together as a duo all the time. People are like

Sydney and Marie, like they don't even put a space between the names. They're rude. Sydney and Marie. Or they'll book us as the unofficial expert and it's like, okay, cool. And so we did a live show where we had to play Taboo against three other podcasts and Sydney had never played Taboo. How have you never played Taboo?

I feel like I played it once in Detroit but that doesn't count. I mean, that's the blackest place to play taboo. That means it counts. Yeah. But anyway, we're there. Do white people play taboo? Yes, they do.

There's an app on your phone to play taboo. Everybody plays it. Except you. Except me. So, and I didn't know there was an app on your phone. Anyway, so we get there and I'm like, well, I'm going to give the clues because I feel like Sydney's going to just read all of the words on the card. So, if you're listening to this and you've never played taboo, you get a card.

There's a word at the top. but it'll say, like, president, and then you can't say any of the words underneath that. Yeah, and it's pretty much... And it'll be, like, White House. You have to explain it or... You have to give, like, context clues for somebody to guess the word.

Boom. So, you know. So you were first. I went up first, and I was giving good clues. Like, right? The word was filthy, and I was like, white men are, and Cindy was like, dusty. And then I was like...

It was so bad. then sydney was like then sydney was giving the clues and she was like oh the time i went out with that rich man i went to his house and i was like anal i couldn't believe you said that i just screamed anal and then this is for the kicker i the the word was split and i was like when we're at dinner marie was like we stunt i said when the check comes she's like we ignore it the crowd was dying i was like when we get two cards you're like oh yeah what the fuck i mean they loved it though it was funny uh anyway all that to say we got third place out of four so we didn't win we did it but we won in other ways like we won the heart of the crowd yeah we

were crowd favorite sydney was like um this is what's what did you say this is what's next to brownstone i was like white people you guys need to watch us play taboo live it's hilarious we should do that at all of our um at everything that we got coming up yeah like all our live shows we should play taboo just because we're experts at not really playing yeah but the show is probably going to be like oh y'all are copying us blah blah blah we don't care me nah care okay well uh what were you expert in this week my friend oh wow i wasn't i was an expert at having an expertise last week that i forgot to do oh you did so what did i say last time who knows i don't remember at all i don't i don't remember either okay well i could do

my expertise again do it again again we talking about uber pool um i get in and this there's little things that people do that they try to do the loophole thing like this woman had a baby and then two kids two grown ass kids you can only have one other person with you in a pool two kids is not one person it sounds like she had three kids oh well i wasn't counting the baby because the baby was basically on her back right okay okay i'm like you have two fucking kids mind you you know she put in that she had one guest but if somebody else comes in they might have another guest now they got to put a child in their lap not i not i said the cat the fuck we in bushwick now we got to go to penn station with a kid on your lap get the fuck out of here so i'm in the front because

i was oh actually i was in the back but when i saw the kids i said i'm gonna sit in the front because i ain't got time nope and i don't because you know what you know those bad kids that like will kick you and they're looking at you while they're kicking you and they're like they dare you to say something to them i ain't nobody's nanny or i'm not kid friendly so i sat in the front and so the driver was like miss miss he was like beatrice beatrice because of beatrice yeah it's a white lady no it was a spanish woman he was like beatrice come on like she's like well i'm here now so what what do you want me to do you you gonna have me and my kids stand up yes see this is why i can't be an uber driver that and because i can't drive but you not getting in

my car with your booger-nosed kids kicking my seat putting your your kids footprints all on the back of my of the driver's seat no grown-ass kids she said these are toddlers i said actually that boy is my height he got a regular size body i said he works somewhere no way he not standing outside of the home depot trying to get a ride and you know we picked up somebody else who had another person with them what kind of car was this like a honda accord it was a toyota camry it was a regular shit so where did the kids go because the baby's in on her breast right so the kids are sitting the kids had to lap up um it was a big ass argument because when we picked up the other person it was another uh colored person another you know brown you're

saying colored like color like somebody from the 50s it was a it was a colored person it was another brown adjacent person and they weren't having it. They was like, dude, like, come on, man. Yeah, but hold on. Let's do the math here, though. You said it's a Toyota Camry. Right. You get in, it's one person. Right. The driver's in the front,

so the front seat is full. If the lady actually had two people and then two other people were not going to fit in the car. Well, that's in freaking Uber Pool. You could do that. I mean, you gotta have a third row. Yeah, it was messy even if she didn't have that extra baby with her the other person who had a friend was not

going to fit in the car listen uber pool they must have claimed only having one and then they came with two people probably because i've done that before you have yeah well you need to not do that it's not considerate where the driver's like it says one and i'm like well it's two of us but you know it's like an extra dollar 33 for your friend i've been like let me just put one and see what happens well it's rude and you shouldn't do that and i don't want to be in middle of it especially if i'm in the front i have my head you're not in the middle of you in the front yeah but i felt like i was involved you know you had one headphone in yeah because i wanted to hear the shit okay down okay i was like beatrice you gonna go off or not

so marie what was your expertise still not ready for it um i don't know i've been really busy i've been doing a i don't know if you guys can tell by listening to my voice right now but uh this voice is in high demand okay i've been auditioning for voiceover like stuff and in the last week i auditioned for a vitamin water commercial a mcdonald's commercial obvi um a dog food commercial a plan b commercial and a maybelline commercial those are all great when i tell you i booked the plan b though you did when i tell you i got the callback for the plan b so callback is probably the right word right um you know they're like uh they they want so the the company that the agency that i'm working with now they're like every time i see them they're super excited to see me

everybody's talking about you being here and i'm like why did i book something that y'all not telling me right like is there something that y'all are getting money for me being here that i didn't know about and they're like no just they're looking for you in the industry like all the commercials want don't want white women anymore and i'm like okay i still see a lot of commercials with white people in them and they're like no no no no or maybe it's white people in the commercial with their voices is something else oh no they're like everything that they get all the copy that they get they're asking for black women or ethnically ambiguous or asian or hispanic okay i was like okay but i mean i saw wendy's commercial the other day and it was a you know

the wendy's girl is still white when are they gonna remix the wendy's girl to put her like in some bantu knots some cornrows no she wendy could be white they could have that well i don't know any black girls named wendy what no wendy williams anyway that's what i've been an expert in is just you know using my tool you know being a voice actor you know what i mean an actor with the voice so you know this time next week i could be the new voice of maybelline i'm hoping that happens i'm hoping i'm crossing my fingers for that i mean that would be a really big campaign i i would be the voice not this voice that you're hearing right now honestly because i just woke up and i sound like somebody's um smoking ass mom but bring me bring me the remote bring me my bag i told you

Is your little friend coming over today? Did you do your homework? You sound like you could be the voice of Little Bebe's mom. Bebe's kids and their mom. The mom? Was the mom in the movie? Because I thought it was just the ashy black dude.

Can I tell you that I didn't see Bebe's kids at all? I remember Bebe's kids, but I didn't watch it. I watched it. It was good. It was a good film. Speaking of better than that, our guest is better than that because this is the second time she's been here.

And she's better than that. And she's better than that. Coming back? Okay. First of all, I would be like, no, I'm not coming back. And this guest, I was like, hey, I'll get you an Uber to and fro. And I was like, she didn't take that offer. I was like, wow. So this guest is dumb. This guest is dumb.

This is the dumbest guest we've ever had. Because you're going to Uber me there and back. You're going to Uber me to Target. I'm going grocery shopping on your dime right that's crazy i would have i would actually well she knew i was gonna put her in a pool she knew that she was like nah i don't have time for that bullshit she's like i'll just take the train she was like i'm gonna have to leave the night before if i want to get at 10 a.m

to this one so yeah you're smart thank you i appreciate you thank you for you care about my money well our guest today um is our petty expert and she's here to talk about talk to us about everything petty and she's a comic she's hilarious she's attractive i feel like i should put that in there because y'all can't see her she about to be the face of a mall bitch a mall a mall that's a m-a-l-l mall mall people get the middle of the mall not kiosks i'm talking about the whole mall i mean i think it's gonna be in the middle of motto like her face not gonna be on the mall outside i think anyway let's just get into it you're being really rude all right uh it's our Petty Expert, Pat Paris Sashay.

Hey, girls. You guys cracking me up. Hey, boo. Hold on. Wait. Let's pause. I never turned down the offer for the Uber pool there. We didn't finish the conversation.

Oh, okay. She said. Now back into the podcast. She said. She said, come up off that bridge. That's the pettiness for starters. She was killing it. Yeah, she didn't take the offer.

I did. Okay, I did. I got you, boo. I'm going to talk to you in person. I'm good. Wait. You got to catch a bus somewhere. So where's the bus?

Port Authority. Woo. she changed her mind real fast she's like i'll get you partially there yeah i get you halfway an uber pool to the train split it with you i'll get you to soho an uber pool to the train that's hilarious so what's happening in um at the port authority you taking the bus i'm taking the bus back now a lady like you just should not be in any type of bus you are just too damn fly you You got your glasses on, your biggie glasses. You got your Rolex.

Listen, it's a way for me to save money. I go to sleep. It's just four hours. It's just four hours. She's one of those rich people that's like, no, no, I'll take 12 buses to get to Boston. Hashtag rich. Okay. So let's give you a full body cam.

uh so paris is giving us thick eve okay thick eve from the rough riders yeah i can't tell if she has the paws on the tight eyes because she's got them covered i got them on the thighs oh you got what on the thighs you got you have the paw prints on your thighs i do because you look so much like eve i did it before people was telling me that i just wow you did it and you're like they gonna they gonna catch on after i get these paw prints on my thighs that's hot i don't know Are they paw prints or like dog prints? They're paw prints, so it's coming up. Like cat prints?

No, it's dog prints. It's coming up from my kneecap. It's going up. It's going up to the cat? Wow. You have paw prints going up to the cooch. Is it deer paw prints? She said dog, sis.

Dog. But how many tracks? Like is it one, two, three? We need to see this. Yeah, take your pants off. Sydney, rip her pants off. Me too. I mean, they're already.

listen wait so you got the paw prints i see you in the like little ripped jeans those are very nice you got your ankles out you look like you're running errands bitch or you about to go through the tsa you do well you got like a you know you also kind of look like there was the actress i want to say she was on the parkers she was like the friend oh i hope it's not nobody but the friend i'm gonna look it up please it better not that's what you're giving She's definitely not Countess. The way that she just laughed just now is giving me the friend from the park. Parker, is she talking about the one?

Maybe Moesha. Maybe it was somebody from Moesha. I hope you don't think it's Countess. No, not either of the Parkers. Okay, okay. The friend of one of the Parkers. Okay, look it up. So also, you got your little army fatigue.

So you're a rough rider. Okay, stop, drop, shut them down. Shut them down, open up shop. I love it. And the face is completely clear. You got great skin. yeah do you have a skin regimen or no i don't i just drink a lot of i use honey i use face scrub and then i use honey i'm so tired of black so you exfoliate and then you

got the raw honey in the shower also first of all raw honey is expensive to just be putting on your face honestly says you just gotta catch like a cute trader joe's situation i'm so tired of black people oh yeah i use raw sugar and that's it it's like okay but if but if gwyneth paltrow on goop told you to do it you wouldn't be tired of white people i wouldn't i've been out of them but i'm just saying like they'll they'll say oh i don't have no skin regimen no nothing and then they got a whole routine yeah i mean it'll be product it'd be like the kitchen stuff be in the like my olive oil be in the bathroom anyway listen so you shower and then you put the honey on and then you towel it off no i let the water wash it off so i just let

every like i let i just wash my hair every time i'm in the shower i just let everything it was I mean, if I had a Caesar, I'd wash my hair every day, too. Yeah. Did you get a shape-up? I didn't. It looks great. Thank you. Even though you have short hair, you still got to maintain that shit.

I brush my hair a hundred times after I get out of the shower. I count, and then I put a do-rag on. Then you put a do-rag on? A do-rag on. You got to have the do-rag. Trying to maintain them waves. It has to lay down. I didn't see you as the do-rag type.

What you thought I had? Do you have the tail out? No, I tuck the tail. You took the tail, nigga. It's too much with the tail out. It's too much with the tail out. It's just too much. Why you don't open the door with the tail out?

When I look in the mirror with the tail on, I'm like, ah. Listen, you don't put the fan on and stand in front of the fan and get your Beyonce on with the tail out? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. You don't XO. XO. The tail is just blowing in the wind. Not with the do-rag.

Not with the do-rag. Okay, now, wait. Paris, that is the gayest image that you could have. That's why you never say that. And also, you have glasses on now. Do you ever take them off? I always see you with some type of glasses on With a statement shade

They're not prescription obviously I just love glasses Those ain't Warby Parkers No they're not Canal Street No they're not either You got a designer? Nope just order them from Amazon

She orders them from Amazon You got Amazon Prime? I use my ex Amazon Prime High five I mean you have to What's the worst that can happen I can change the password if anything oh you would y'all have trust you would change the password on talk yeah yeah i just used the

account remember when i was on my ex's netflix and then he changed the password on me sis oh that was such a tragedy that was petty that was petty so you know what you should have done you should have changed it first i didn't know what it was oh i was just you know how you they get they they make little accounts you know yeah you log in but then you know they give you those little like who's watching and it's like this guy and this other guy and he probably kept seeing your face pop up he's like this bitch no my face wasn't on the thing it just said your name right it kept coming to the front because you was because he because we he made separate ones because i was messing up his queue because i was like watching things that he was like that's not

they recommended crap that i don't want to see yeah i don't want to watch bring it on i'm like are you sure you don't watch this crime show about black women killing white dudes anyway so uh he took me off and he didn't say anything to me about it well that was very white of him you know because i feel like if a black person gonna take you off they should they gonna let you know uh-uh look up all up over here we gonna we gonna end this this is not no i don't think a black person would tell you either if we're not together then i don't owe you like why are you still using my shit i'm just gonna have it where you gonna log in one day and think that you about to be watching a movie and you're not password no i feel like i feel like it's petty to like

hit them up and be like yo you using my shit why no no i think the the way the way i would do it is just change it in the middle of the night in the middle of the night you wake up or maybe you watching something in bed and it's you gotta rely on i would change it after i see that you just started watching something oh absolutely i think oh he 20 21 minutes in into this film you just pause to go to the bathroom that's when i would change or you see them watching a season you see him get to the last episode then you change it i don't even want to let him get no i don't i want you to be in the middle of an episode and you just like well i gotta i gotta relax let me reset the router you gotta change it on the weekend because that's when people are really watching it you

gotta change it on like a saturday morning okay maybe yeah that might be peak netflix hours well paris have you ever done something to an ex that like people when you tell them they're like oh that's I think all my exes hate me well let's get into it yeah let's talk about it top three exes that hate you well I just checked my Instagram this morning and one of my exes was liking my girlfriend pictures so I don't I don't really know what to think well you let's take a picture that you posted of your your girlfriend was quite nice I was like I cannot like this it's a very nice picture she's fine but why is she on my page I mean you got well let me check the photo your your ex you just posted a photo wait of your current girlfriend and your ex

girlfriend it was yesterday who's in the ex-girlfriend liked it how many girlfriends have you had to be honest because uh well the current girlfriend is the only girlfriend that the world know about but i had maybe five to six five to six how many girlfriends have you had that's way more than me i only had one other girlfriend than adrian and i hooked up with about like nine women no like five 19 women five okay pass is like nerd yeah she's like nerd well i hooked up with two girls at the same time so i mean i had a several girls at the same time oh okay same bed no maybe i would just leave one house and go to the other since they were both in my bed are you showering between sessions or you just yeah i'm sure you gotta shower face wash but

You got to do the whole thing. You got to start all over? You got honey in the go bag or nah? You have to go home. See, I was, okay, before this relationship, I was a cheater. You were a hoe. Yeah, you can say that too. I think everybody has to get their hoe out of them, though.

I think everybody's born with a little bit of hoe in them. I'm here for that. And you should get it out of you before you settle down. I think we need to stop using the word hoe. No, no, I like the word hoe. I like the word hoe. I think the word hoe is a good word. Yeah.

What do you want to use in replace of hoe? I mean, you're just being grown. You're being an adult. You do what you do. When a kid is being grown, that kid is probably going to get pregnant before they graduate from high school. That's what it is. That's being grown.

But when you're an adult, you're not being grown. You're being a hoe. You are grown. You are a hoe. Just getting your hoe out. Okay, let's talk about this cheating. Okay? Okay.

Let's talk about it. Uh-huh. Talk about it. I mean, which one? The last one? The one before that? Let's talk about the last one. The most memorable.

So this last one, I think that she's probably on my page because I just broke up with her through an email and got with my new girlfriend. Wait. An email? via email. Wait, is this a job? Like, you emailed her, which is super formal. Because I blocked her on everything else, so I had to email her.

That was the only formal. But y'all were a couple. Yeah, why wouldn't you meet up with her and be like, let's talk? Because I didn't want to. She didn't want to let it in. But I didn't want to do it anymore. Yes, yes, yes. I was just tired of explaining. Marie's been through that. Yeah, I was just tired of just constantly saying why I want to. I hate explaining myself, honestly. I hate. If I want to leave

you, just let me leave. I don't think you should ask me why. I don't want to. Well, some people want closure, bitch. I don't have closure. I don't have time. That's what, that's what, that's what emails are for. Warm regards. Warmly yours, Paris. That's what doors are for. Pleasure.

Okay, so you emailed her. But you had been trying to break up for like a couple days, couple weeks. Couple weeks. So what did you say in this email? That's how good the cat is. I told her I had a new girlfriend. Just don't contact me anymore. In the email.

In the email. I mean, you could have texted that. I didn't want to text her. I was done. I feel like that's a waste of an email. No, it's not. It's endless supply of emails. Is it possible when you're phoning,

you're like, why is she emailing me rather than texting me? And then she probably tried to contact me and then saying she was blocked. Damn. That's great. Paris, and how long were you with this girl? Two years. That's a long fucking time to hit somebody with an email, bitch.

That's like, oh, I got a new girl. Don't contact me. Did you hit her with two weeks notice when you was getting ready to break up? No. I told her that I was talking to someone else and then she just was being too disrespectful. I don't want to hear it anymore.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. So why did it get, how did you get here? Yes, because nobody's supposed to be here. Here, to the new girlfriend? Yes. How did you get to the point where you were like, I don't want to be here? And she was like, I still want to be here.

Because I was already doing what I wanted to do because I was trying to get out of it. But then I met my current girlfriend. I was like, oh, we have a connection. I started spending time. I started staying at her house. We started spending a lot of time. So I was already making excuses to not see my girlfriend at the time.

You're so messy. So then I was like, okay, I'm finally done. like i don't want it anymore i knew in my mind i made up i didn't want her boom okay so wait when you were staying at this other when you're staying at your current girlfriend's house did you do anything like petty to kind of give this other girl hints like hey i'm hanging out with somebody else i told her i was saying something she told her i told her i told her that to her face oh okay well you're an honest cheater yeah really cheating if that's what i'm saying is i don't want to be there anymore but if you won't let me leave what am i going to keep

arguing having conversations about where i want to go no i'm gonna go i'm gonna tell your ass i'm gone and i'm gonna block you so i don't have to have these conversations anymore why do people do that because the dude the last guy that i broke up with it was the same thing i wanted to break up and he wanted to stay together and we had a whole talk a whole two-hour discussion it might have been 10 minutes i don't know we had a whole talk and i was like oh we're on the same page i mean i can answer this but but i was like i was like oh we're on the same page when i left right and the next day he sent me a message and was like um we need to talk and i was like um but we broke up yesterday and he was like no we talked about breaking up okay we need to talk about what we talked about

and i was like it's too much talking i don't want to talk about what we talked about when you're done you're done i was finished one conversation why are we talking about what we talked about okay you don't want to start over we got it guys you guys know how to cut people off no we don't because thank you motherfuckers i don't think i'm heartless i think i have a big heart I have a little one. Okay, but you are a petty expert, so you got to have less of a heart than most people. Yeah. Correct?

Correct. Can you please define what petty is? Yeah, what is petty to you? Mm-hmm. Petty to me is a quick response to something that someone tries to do to make you upset. Okay. petty to me is when you do something unnecessary to hurt or annoy somebody just because you can that's petty like you don't have to do it but you're like i'm gonna do it because i have time

okay petty petty to me is the last laugh getting the last laugh is is petty to me it's like i'm i'm gonna win this well that's pretty much what i think before i do everything petty so that makes everything's a competition i just feel like i should win all the time when did you realize that you were like oh i'm this person i'm this bitch i'm gonna i'm gonna do this it wasn't in relationships it was just with people right i think i was petty as a child oh you had a kindergarten you had a daycare petty story oh i live with my grandmother for a few and she was like one of those grandmothers that just tried to make the grandchild do everything that's what grandmas supposed to do no they're not she was young still she how was your how was your grandma my

grandmother now is in her 60s what wait what oh you got one of them you got okay so the whole the whole lineage is strong yeah it's in the genes your great-grandmother would be 80 years old yeah wow and your great-great-grandmother would be so your grandmother is a baddie i bet like i saw your picture of your mom but yo yeah i'm sure your grandmother looks like her sister well my grandmother is one of those older women who acts older than what they are okay so she dresses like she's still in the 80s what does she look like what do they wear i mean she's she's gorgeous but she just wears like rapper hats and big puffy jackets and she got the do-rag or the do-rag she got some bucket hats your grandma looks like ll cool j

yeah she still wears the mushroom that you do with the rollers yourself those sponge rollers Your grandma still uses sponge rollers? Yeah, she uses sponge rollers. Oh, I thought those died. I thought so, too. Your grandmother is Roxanne Roxanne. Her grandmother is Suge Knight. That's actually what I call her, Suge Knight. She has the sweater

that says boss on it. She wears it a lot. But as a kid, she used to make me do everything for her. Oh, and I hate that. Adults are so petty to children. They are. They'll be like, go get that remote when it's literally, you can It'd be under your ass.

You can't get your ass up. Like, I've been at school all day. You've just been sitting here on the couch. Why don't you get up and do something? Because I birthed you. It took me nine hours of labor, and you ripped up my vagina. That's why you get me this. But she was my grandmother, so she couldn't say that.

Well, I mean, she birthed your mom, who birthed you. So, you know, by default, like, she owned you. That's your landlord. I found my way to break out of it. So she used to make me make her sandwiches every day. Oh, yes. What kind of sandwiches? As a child, what are you putting on a damn sandwich?

No, she wanted, like, the Subway thing. She wanted lettuce, cheese, tomatoes Sliced up, pepper on the bread Mayonnaise, everything I was like seven But I had real life responsibilities This could be a story Real life responsibilities

You said real life responsibilities You were making a sandwich But that's a lot for a sandwich For a seven year old? That's not a real life responsibility You had little hands that could get into the mayonnaise jar And she had bigger hands that could make the sandwich quicker Yeah, but you had that young energy.

You knew how to like hit. Well, that's what she thought. This time I made the sandwich for her. This was the last sandwich she ever asked me to make. What'd you do? What'd you do? Instead of putting lettuce on the sandwich, I put cabbage. That's like Asian inspired sandwich.

No, she didn't like it. It was raw cabbage. She bit into it. The crunch was super hard. Raw cabbage is disgusting. She never asked me to make her a sandwich again. It's so bitter. Yeah, that's why I did it.

She didn't beat your ass? I definitely got an answer. Yeah, there's no way she's letting you walk away with the cabbage. That's fine, but she also... You wasted her cabbage, first of all. But she also bit that sandwich. You made this... You probably cut it like real cute, real diagonal style.

I gave her the cup of Pepsi with it because she love it. I was like, if she bite into this, she will need this. You put a pickle on the plate. Now, did you... You had a little garnish on it. Did you toast the bread? No, I didn't toast the bread. What kind of bread was it?

Just wheat bread. Wheat bread, okay. Yo, cabbage. I can't believe your grandmother was doing that. I feel like somebody could call BCW on her. What's BCW? Bureau of Children... I don't know.

I would say CPS, Child Protective Services. But I think it's different things in every state. What is it? I think it's CPS in D.C. Bureau of... Sydney. They sent you all the way to the top. Sydney was at the highest level.

He was in the office With the people who run the company She was in the top No my niece My niece was in child services Okay I'm not making this word up Way to bring the mood down

I'm sorry Change the whole tone of this sad ass podcast Oh F you The artificial expert of beating your child's ass And going to BWC FWB So your grandmother was like The first person to make you

be a little petty what about your mom yeah i had i got a lot of ass weapons as a child so i would like to think that yeah i was a pretty pretty bad kid do you have pictures of you as a child yeah yeah i know you know she was bad you know she was one of the bad kids in school you the type of kid that you put all the barrettes in your fucking hair and then you go to school take them shits out come pick you i didn't even let them put barrettes in my i didn't i believe that i had like a lot of braids and cornrows and things yeah yeah you said no to the barrettes Yeah, I didn't want that in my hair. In kindergarten?

No. I feel like everybody had to bring it to kindergarten. No, maybe like kindergarten to second grade, maybe, Bo, right? So after second grade, I was done. I didn't know you had a choice. You were like, just let me get some straight backs. Oh, I had a choice. I would complain.

Well, my mom and my sister did hair, so I had a choice. How old was your sister? She's three years older than me, so she was... We still didn't figure out how old she was. She was doing your hair when you were in second grade? Your sister was bathing? She was in the fifth grade then. Oh, fifth grade?

How old are you in fifth grade? Nine? Ten? No. Fifth grade, you're in your high school. We ain't got no kids. We are not your grandma. I don't know. But my mom did hair, so she taught my sister how to do hair. So they both did my hair. So you said no to the Bobos, and you were like,

I'm a grown ass kid. But you were fighting in school. You were sassing teachers. I already know. Your report card was like, talks too much. No, I had great grades. I just got kicked out. Yeah, because you seem very, very smart. And you gotta be witty and smart to be petty. no i know some dumb petty hood kids really that couldn't leave class after a while it was like

they put them in that one class all day you know them kids paris were you one of those kids because you were probably i was in special ed once i got to middle school in high school see paris because you were bad it's because i was bad but i was smart though talk about this yeah i was smart so they couldn't take me anymore like i moved from like a hooded area to the suburbs and then once i got to the suburbs with the white people they was like no this person is out of control They're like, this nigga is bold. Yeah, this nigga, we have to get her out of here, so they put me in special ed. Why do they do that?

It's like you're not special. Why are you- Because they don't understand it, but you can't be in a class with 32 kids because you're a distraction. So they put you in a class with- It's not- I come to learn to read and write, Paris. I'm not here for your sassiness in class.

But I did my work first, though. I did my work first. In the first 15 minutes, I always did my work. Then I distracted the class. The first 15 minutes, though, that's not all the work. There's no way that's all the work. Everything else is homework. Give it to me.

I'll bring it back tomorrow. No, but you know what? It's not my fault the rest of those stupid kids couldn't learn fast like me. That wasn't my problem. Damn. If I looked at your paper, it would be half of the page. No, it was really good. I was the teacher pet.

I was helping other students. I was really smart. But you were distracting me. Yeah. Hold on. So how you teach as a pet and you also... Because you can, in the first 15 minutes, you help and you do your work, and then the rest of the time it's like Paris, I've been in the kitchen.

Paris, I'm going to say you're quite delusional. Delusional. Delusions of grandeur. I'm going to get y'all some papers from my old teacher. I'm going to have some notes from the teachers. They still contact me. They still love me. They're trying to see if you alive.

They're like, you dead yet? Because the way that you was talking in class. Well, no. They heard you were going to be the face of them all. And so they're trying to get that plug right there. They're like, yo, can you help us out? They're like, I'm trying to get something from a album. Yeah.

I go speak to children now in schools. I see that. I see what's going on with that. What you talking to the kids about? Being great and following their dreams and doing things like that. Oh, you know that? i was supposed to do a career day yesterday for the kids these kids in harlem i didn't do it because i did it last year and the kids were they were mean yeah this kid is real rude they're like

but what are you on you're a comedian but what shows are you on are you on walling out and i'm like no i'm not there okay well then why are you talking to us are you on youtube how many followers you got and he was like i don't know it's too early i took three trains to get here i'm not doing this with you denise yeah and they wanted me to speak to 600 they wanted me to be a comedian for 600 kids at like a at a prom that has no alcohol or drugs oh no see no sober ass grown ass kids they sober ass grown ass and i would have to have clean material clean material for bad kids at 11 p.m on a saturday clean material 11 p.m on saturday in new jersey it can kiss my black ass definitely not doing that we don't care about the community oh actually you know what they

might hear this that's yeah i was wondering i might cut that out that's hilarious leave it in there sis no be the petty queen that we know that you are actually it's it's a good thing yeah she backpedaling you should leave it in there leave it in there you said it with so much emphasis i don't think you should take it out you said it from your diaphragm well no i just feel like that's unrealistic these are kids that are at a prom at 11 p.m and there's no drugs or alcohol so they're trying to find fun they they kids are gonna be sneaking in alcohol and they're gonna do drugs at home before they get there yeah but then that makes me feel like i want to be a parent and be like well this is no drugs and alcohol i'm a snitch because i'm sober too yeah i'm sober bitch

that's why i'm i will be petty when i'm sober i'll be like oh you having another drink oh i guess we doing wine early today before the sun goes down okay i heard you had a lot of work to do but you're still here okay sydney should be the last person telling somebody that they still here sydney is queen of the state like sydney will close the party down sydney will be like y'all need me to help stack the chairs at the end of the night yeah like i'm sober but i have drunk energy like people always think that i'm still lit and i'm like nah i haven't had it it's almost like like crack energy though like it's like less drunk energy more like crack energy you know alcohol like is a you know it's not a stimulant like you gonna crash eventually is a stimulant

tequila makes me aggressive i don't drink tequila because why just hennessey of course you do a haircut like that is like only hennessey hennessey and i don't trust myself over tequila i just Tequila makes me fight bouncers at clubs. Oh, really? I've had a lot of sex on tequila. Yeah, I think it just makes me horny. Very horny. It makes me fight.

But maybe for me, fighting is the first step to sex. I'm going to punch you in the face, and then I'm going to sit on it. Okay, fabulous. Thank you so much. F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S. You're terrible. So Hennessy is what you drink. Do you drink it on the rocks?

No, I like it with pineapple juice. Oh, that's disgusting. That's so nasty. Paris. That's disgusting. That made me look at you a little crazy. Hennessy and pineapple? I don't care about that. I'm still going to drink some of that. First of all, pineapple juice, all sugar. Hennessy, all sugar. That's sugar on

sugar. Hennessy is fire and then you're putting sugar on top of fire. I feel like it's... Yeah, to calm it down. No, it doesn't. It actually aggravates it more. It makes it burn more. I like it. I like how it tastes. I've been drinking it. I'm not going to stop. Okay, so who introduced it, introduced Hennessy to your black ass? Her neighborhood.

Her grandma. My second father. No, my second dad. Your second dad. Well do the math for the family tree Yeah my mom didn't want to be like a single parent So she went and got me a second father And he introduced me to Hennessy Well that's quite nice of her How old were you when he introduced you to Hennessy

I was young Is this taking a turn I was one of those kids in like the beginning of like minister society When they was hanging outside on the back porch with the older man Yeah That was you You were Cain She was getting her

You were Cain Stay up Cain don't die You were Cain Oh my god Paris was on the porch getting her cornrows. Yeah, I was young. Listen, all he dropped was Hennessy. He had like this brown leather jacket.

He used to keep the pint of Hennessy inside that inside pocket. Yeah, I tasted it when I was a kid. And I was like, this is good. You were like nine. I was like nine. And your sister was braiding your hair. And he was like, young man, you want some of this brown juice? He had them straight backs with the beads.

He treated you like a little boy. He did. I could see that the energy that little boy energy a little bit. Yeah, I was a super tomboy 100%. Yeah. And even though you dress up and I'll be like, oh, like you look great, but I still feel like

you would definitely roughhouse roughhouse. You look like you'd be wristling. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Sydney, it sounds like that's what you want. You were like, yeah. You seen her, girl? And I'm not even looking at her. She's sitting up now. She's perky.

you look like you would like throw me around yeah god marie is like i'm in a relationship with someone that i'm not cheating on right now well you know good answer that's a good answer i think your girlfriend is great thank you city how do you know so much about her girlfriend well i'd be stalking okay that's good to know um it's not even really stalking i'm very honest i i like like and send it we'll scroll back to 2017 and be like double tap you still got them shoes they still look great yes i mean me and parents we have a connection we do wow just got real gay in here uh yeah it should be you know what i mean i'm tired of this like straight energy that you're always projecting at me we're always talking about dicks and i'm like we are not always talking

that's a damn lie since the whole centennial is only four months in we do not i've known you for four years we're talking about dick maybe two months of the four years that we've known each other it's a lot and i love it but i'm also like you know i need somebody who understands speaking of dicks paris you you was with dudes before let's talk about that okay let's get into that i don't she thinks that he's great i didn't like start dating women because i hate him it just was like i like men but i love women what do you like about men the sex uh okay the sex the aggression like i was like uh i had a lot of on-call dick on-call dick yeah give me a call if you wanna come roll with me i didn't want the relationship portion of it yeah that's that's trash i totally

agree with you on that right but i'm so disconnected because it's been like almost five years since i've had penis and i i can't even imagine it entering me in my mouth embarrassing oh that's not your truth that's not your truth at all oh i mean because my ending is like a girlfriend and a husband so i don't so you want to get married to a man and have a girlfriend so you're a spike lee movie that's what you are you are nola darling you know she hate me i watched that and i kind of had a connection so no yeah she's fucking selfish she was stupid when she gave the money back i would have never given the money back we're talking about she's got to have it on netflix everything else about her but also even her with a relationship with opal that that

was not the girl the girl was pretty yeah but that wasn't a real like lesbian relationship that was not using her it wasn't none of them were relationships she was having sex with all of them just having small feelings and sex i think they were lost more so so she was just trying to find herself you caught you said it lost i think she was lost she's lost she's lost the money back at the end that was the dumbest shit i've ever seen in my life she couldn't pay her rent and she was walking dogs definitely lost that's what i'm saying like but the guy how much money did he send her ten thousand dollars and she gave she sent the ten thousand dollars back she's done this move and then she paid two hundred dollars for a forever 21 dress and she could not afford

it was actually five hundred five hundred dollars for a forever 21 dress and then she cut the dress up and put it on a canvas and was like this is art yeah and then she went out in that dress and she's like don't treat me like i'm a whore and i was like sis the shoulders were out since you about cum on your chair you're up there's pretty much more yeah you got a monica lewinsky stain on the dress you're like come on it's fine on the front of the dress and the back of the dress anyway no slut shaving here this is a sex positive podcast it's always sex this year uh i just honestly want to talk about lesbian sex and yes yes yes but i want to get back to the dick in paris's life okay let's let's do it can we talk about like a man that you felt like you

needed to be petty too i feel like all of them um yeah i was in control with mostly all of them since with glasses like that i mean she's not leaving her glasses on during sex she wants it's aggressive no not glasses on during sex you would take them let me see how you look without them why y'all always making me take my glasses you said always you've only been here one time here you got you got a lazy eye you got a slow eye no i got i got great eyes oh yeah okay y'all thought i was i thought that you had rick ross i thought you yeah i did because rick ross has those same shades honestly i just saw your eyes and i feel like you took my soul wow like they're powerful eyes cindy you are an idiot you have got to leave my house

you took my soul what those are some powerful ass eyes okay thank you she's so dumb but i mean And I like that the color of the eyeball is off-white, and it's not like... White-white? It's offset. Offset? You said that your eyes are not white. You're an idiot. Off-white.

Oh, my God. She said they're like... I like them. They're powerful, but they're not white. They're off-white and powerful. What the hell's up with the eyes of those? They're like eggshells. They look pearl.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, wait. So what's the pettiest thing you've done to a dude? To a man. To a man. Mm-hmm. we want to hear that get down to the nitty gritty yeah what what man did you put cabbage in his salad i didn't we went we went out to eat a lot when i was dating men of course because they don't

cook yeah yeah they don't cook and i'm not going either because i don't like them so but you said you were here for the sex yeah i was here for the sex so we have to go out and eat but y'all were like in a relationship no i won't call that in a relationship i love that i love that so much that's me right now is we still gonna eat we still gonna eat but i'm not you're not my man no you're not gonna be none of my friends we're just having sex we know that we're having sex whatever you do in your other time i don't know it's your business i don't ask questions i don't care that's not my business okay what's the pettiest i don't a man did you ever cheat on a man did you did a man it's not cheating because she wasn't in a relationship i know but one guy

for three years oh okay so see you buried the lead you buried the lead excuse me paris how old are you because it sounds like you've had a long life my friend i think i just had a lot of relationships early on i'm 26 now 26 is a damn lie we we will not have it all we will not have it we don't believe you liar what is wrong with you i was born in 1991 so was i the same i was also born in 1991 that's crazy 26 paris i'll be 27 in november yes wow wow sis so i'm only a month older than you two months older than you yeah so i did that was like how old were you when you had your first boyfriend i had my first boyfriend in middle school fast see she was grown the coldest winter ever funny well that was actually a good book uh i didn't have

until i started having sex so having sex is what made your boobs i think so i think so i think that's what you have quite a story i really feel like it should be a book it sounds like a lifetime movie to me i don't think lifetime sounds like a centric film centric is the black people movie channel yeah tv and they still have parenthood on there so first boyfriend you were in middle school you got boobs when was when did you lose your virginity seventh grade wow we're gonna turn the tables on this so how were you petty at work sydney sydney you know you know i wanted to pivot to you because you you wanted to pivot the conversation so fast she doesn't want to talk about the dick no cindy doesn't want to talk about when she lost her virginity because you know she

knows i was gonna ask her is it is it too early no i was like 14 and what grade was that well cindy got left back so she was in fourth grade i started late what was the grade you were supposed to be in sydney i'm so tired it's so crazy because she said when she had sex for the first time her boobs came in but you didn't have boobs i had none i was complete i was like you know the batteries where you have like the there's nothing and then that little nub i have a little battery yeah i had a little bit the battery nub nub that's what i have nubs and then i didn't have breasts literally most of my career as a...

As a dancer? As a straight woman. I didn't have breasts. Right. I know what you're saying. I mean, being straight is a career. Is it?

Yeah. Because I'm not getting paid for this. That's you, sis, but I mean... I got to talk to HR. I got to talk to HR about what's happening

in my life currently. I should be getting a bill paid or something. I mean... You don't get bills paid? Right now, I'm paying all of my bills close to on time

by myself. Oh, no. You're single, sis. I think it's some money out there for you. Oh, I feel like there is. Oh, my God. Don't you turn my friend into a prostitute. She doesn't have to be a prostitute.

Paris, help me get to this money. Listen, I think it's some money. I dated a lot early on. Okay. And there's money out there. Girl. You can get money through conversation. You've been through a conversation.

I mean, what? You call it tricking through the phone? It ain't tricking if you got it. It's really not. Because once you get it, then you got it. but i don't even get what that means it ain't tricking if you got it is that for the person who's giving the money it ain't tricking if i think if you're getting the money that's how i always think the person that's receiving it is not tricking because you're getting the money

i mean i think that's what the definition of tricking is i don't get it money to do things to me so so paint the picture for me you were painting you you were dating a lot and you were getting a lot of money for conversation it's because i dated young so the first boyfriend serious deep thing was like the ending of high school oh deep thing okay i mean yeah the ending of high school and then like going into college and he was giving you money college boys don't have no damn money he was a drug dealer ah there you go that looked like your type yeah drug dealers are reckless they don't have no concept of like value of money so they just throw that shit away yeah but those are the ones you need because my friend is not gonna be with a drug i can't i can't

say her i said this was oh this is the guy that i was dating i was like we have things to do yeah i can't i can't be in court in a white suit being like your honor that's my friend she would never i have a crooked wig on orange is the new black i can't i can't go to jail i'm not going to i'm not taking the rap for you i'm not trafficking she's on on camera with a duffel bag like yours no i don't think there's a lot of money in the drug game right now so i'm going to tell her to find a drug dealer right now well they're not making money like they used to they're not well They're giving the drugs away to pretty girls, that's why. Well, the economy's not doing that well.

Yeah, the drug game is just not as high as it used to be. It's not what it was, you know? It's not what it was, sis. Hilarious. Well, people are eating Tide Pods, so they don't need to do cocaine. Well, I wouldn't want to date anybody who was eating a Tide Pod. Those are children. Those are children.

Yeah, so we were together for three years, and then I was kind of over it. And you just left freely. I didn't leave freely because he didn't let me leave freely. Yeah, he was a drug dealer. We had several conversations, and I tried to ask for a break, like a week break. He was like, I'll break your face. And he was like, no. And then I just kind of left, but then he popped up.

Of course. That's the drug dealer way, though. The hood dude way is to just pop up at your job or your mom's house or your friend's house. But him and my mom had a really great bond. He was paying your mom. Maybe. He was. when your mother likes somebody too much like you're like it's obvious that i don't want this

person in my life anymore it's there's there's a there's money changing hands yeah yeah i mean but then i was just over it i think i was i just felt like i was young and i really wanted to get my hoe out of me and i couldn't do it in a relationship so so how did you get out are you in the witness protection program did you kill him is that why you're saying you're 26 when you're already 35 no no no i mean i got out because once he just didn't let me leave then i just started doing what i want and i just started acting single good for you eventually you were not afraid that he's gonna pull up and just like hit you with his car well i never dated like super big guys i dated guys that i knew if we had to tussle it would be like a fair a fair one it'd be a draw a good body

but it was just like it was a small body down to it it's gonna be a fair exchange if you come down to it i'm gonna whoop your ass basically in other words let me tell you the pettiest thing i've done in a relationship with a man, we broke up. Well, I said I wanted a break or whatever, but I wanted him to change. But you can't tell a nigga

who's not changing that you want to change. He's like, we want to break up. So I had a whole bunch of stuff at his place. I still have the key. I found out that,

I thought that he was still hooking up with a friend that was allegedly his best friend. So I ended up going to his house, taking all my stuff, putting it in a bag. I did all his cocaine.

I drank his beer. um and then you did all the cocaine and drank the beer uh-huh and then i called like five people like what should i do should i fuck up the apartment and then finally i spoke to one friend the fifth friend was like girl you got to get out of there and you got to make sure he doesn't know that you're there i'm like well i did the coke and the beer so he gonna know that somebody was here your goldilocks but like this cocaine is too good this beer is too warm she's like no put everything else back like your stuff so i put everything back exactly the way well i was high so who knows how i put it back you just threw it on the ground you're like that's the way it was

when i got here yeah so i i left and acted like i just never went there and then he had hit me up like two days later he's like you need to give me my key two days later it took him two days to realize his cocaine was missing maybe it was it was on uh it was on a sunday so he probably was out you know brunching for two days and then he had to work on monday and tuesday so he wasn't doing drugs those day but wednesday comes kids are part of going oh you don't you don't do that that that i hate monday bump I hate Mondays You don't do say hello to my little friend

Tuesdays Marie You sure you don't be bumping up Bump it up Yeah that's literally the That's the pettiest thing I've done to a dude But I've never done anything Like that to a woman

Are you sure? Yeah Well when we actually finally did breakup and whatever the case may be that he wants to call it. I was like, we still can have sex because the sex was good. But then he started lying about stupid shit.

He got into a whole relationship and didn't tell me. That's how you get an STD. A whole relationship, right. By still having sex? Yes. By having sex with a person that you don't necessarily trust anymore. You're not together. I've never had an STD, so I think I'm fine on that.

I mean, you're only 26. You've got some time. I'm not going to get an STD. I see chlamydia in your future no i don't see the shit in my future my near nothing i'm okay you're near nothing hey hey are you shaming people who've had i'm not shaming people i'll just say do you know how nasty our listeners are everybody listening right now is burning when they okay and i'm glad i'm glad that they had it so i don't have to go are you today i'm being honestly me who is this this is marie foster You were talking about I ain't Monday Bumps and everybody's got an STD.

Who the fuck had these STDs so I don't have to have them? Okay, well, whatever. You're 26, no STDs. You ain't got no kids. Okay, whatever, bitch. That means I'm blessed. That means I was blessed. That's all I'm saying.

Whatever, bitch. You better buy some scratch-offs at the Port Authority because you're obviously living your very best. Are you lucky? I mean, we're so blessed to have you on this couch. I can't even believe that you came back here. You're never going to get an STD But you're on a bus though You're on a boat niggas

Well if I catch some shit from just in the air That's fine Like you can't stunt on us Like I don't get no I'm never going to get an STD And be like taking 12 buses to get to Nashville Everybody that had STDs before I think that they're still great people

Yeah we're all great people I think they overcame it I think you guys are great people I'm here i'm here and i ain't never going back i ain't never going back to the clinic okay i have not been in a minute thank you for telling me i just think that i had a good run that's all i just think i had a good run you hanging up your whole cloak good for you man i mean i still feel like you got some whole tendencies you think i still got some whole tendencies absolutely um i think

i lived through my whole friends now i think i think i'm on the same path as you i think i've I had a good, like a good two-year whole run. Oh, two years? That's how long it lasted for you since two years? And then before I went out, I made sure I went out with a bang, so I definitely... Oh, with a bang. Okay. Bang, that sounds like an STD. It sounds like it. Bang, bang.

It did. It sounds like it. I don't know. I was scared. You said you went out on a... So what was the bang? I had sex with three guys in like a three-week span. Oh, that was a gangbang, sis. Don't stop lying. She said a three-week span. same five centimeters hell no that's centimeters i mean you could they could stand farther apart

than that no i don't want two dicks out at the same in the same space period yeah that's too much but two vaginas two vaginas is fine no i'm okay i don't want all that too much you look so disgusting she's like one is enough one and a half maybe that's it two over one two vaginas over two dicks i'll take it okay that seemed like it's true vagina seems like more like too much work well thank you for sharing all this sexual stuff um i just want to know like if you did anything petty at work yeah i did what's the pettiest thing you've done on the clock well it was one o'clock but it's because they told me they was firing me so they told you they told me on the phone that's very petty of them that i know that's not petty that's dumb of them

I mean, when they got a new manager, and he was, like, a gay guy, and I think he was just way too sassy, and he was used to, like, bossing everybody around. Oh, give me an example of his sass. Well, first of all, I didn't know who he was when we talked, because I worked for a temp agency, so I never really had to see the managers ever. But then they hired this new guy, and he called me, and I just didn't know. Like, somebody ever said something on the phone, and you had to look at the phone, like, who the hell is he talking to? Yeah, you pull it up, and you're like, oh. Right, you look like, oh, no, this, every time I talk to him, I'm like, who the fuck is she talking to? So he did that, and I was kind of lost and irritated, so I just hung up the phone and

left the phone off the hook and left the desk. Yes, bitch. Leave the desk. Leave the desk. He's the new manager, and he said to you, we're going to have to let you go? Yeah, because he thought I showed up late, but they sent me the wrong location to go to, so I was at the wrong location, but the right location that they sent me. Okay.

That's not your fault. That's what I was saying. They trash. But he was still just talking shit. It was too early. I didn't feel like arguing. And where did you work? at a temp agency

as a concierge in the front of apartment buildings. Concierge. That means you had like a cool little blazer on, you had a little Balmain coat on.

Yeah, I had the blazer on with the button. So you were a concierge at a... At different buildings before temp agencies. Was it a hotel? No, apartment buildings.

There's concierge in apartment buildings. Okay. You asking real questions. All the luxury apartment buildings. So you're doing front desk? You're checking people in?

Not really checking people in, more so helping people with the meeting. How were you helping people when you were sitting there? they had packages i had to answer the phone i'm not i'm not taking a package at all you got to use the back entrance sir no uh no i'm not signing for that no you can sir you can sir sir you can't leave that box here you got to go the back way i mean it was it was a cool it was a cool job you

didn't work all eight hours so i mean it sounds like you didn't really work all eight hours you sat there a lot of the time see i don't like i don't like um jobs that you sit a lot because it actually it makes your butt flatter just to let you guys know i'm telling you you shouldn't be sitting the way like for eight hours it's a long time so that's why you do stand-up comedy because you stand that's why you're so fat because you stand i don't know where you got this shit from okay i don't believe where you're getting your uh nat geo facts from i know i'm only 26 so i haven't really lived oh my god oh so you don't think i lived wow well i guess i'll just keep living powers it sounds like you've lived more than me i think i did i think i i kind of started early

You're definitely writing a book. They're going to have a show on it. Oh, definitely. It's a lot more. We can't get into it all today, but the pettiness lives on forever. I just tell everybody, don't get mad, get petty. If you got cheated on and you're going to stay, don't get upset. Just cheat back.

If you're going to stay anyway, I mean, what's the point? So is that what you've done? Somebody cheated on you, so you cheated on them back? Yeah. If I know I'm not going to leave, why am I going to cry and throw this whole fit and then go back? I think that's a waste of time. I hate that.

And I hate people like that and talk to their friends. It's like, dude, you sound like a broken record. i know you're going back to the sds dude shut the f up so just cheat and go back i don't know just it sounds like a lot of work really why if i'm with you and you cheat on me then it's done right but if i cheat on you then like you should not be so sensitive you know i also believe that people get cheated on don't they always go back so i don't think cheating is a deal breaker what who are you beyonce no it's not it's tori hart i think she's tori yesterday i think side chicks are good that's what she said yeah well because she was a side she's going she's losing

it right she's going through it yeah she said she believes in side chicks as long as you be up front with them in the beginning so she wants tori hart kevin hart's ex-wife oh he didn't gave her some money he gave her some money he was like he was like stop talking about me you gotta promote the propaganda right now he's like here's some money here's your little spousal support yeah the alimony didn't double to something because that doesn't even sound like her when she's changing i don't she's going through this phase it's bad i don't know well i mean i don't think that side chicks are good i don't think that they're bad i think that if you if i mean i think that if we agree up top that this is just like a like a casual thing then it's not a side chick

that's just you doing you and i'm doing me i think if you can afford two women then you can have a side chick but you can't kidding me no because you're gonna afford to my money no it's not that's why he has to be able to afford his main girl and he has to have a little more that he can give her no but that's just and be broke i'm gonna take but you know how many main girl and give to your side chick that's stupid you know how many you know how many broke people in this building cheat probably and that's what i don't agree with broke cheating yeah no you got to step your uh you got to be in a certain tax bracket to cheat right okay i hear what you're saying that's why beyonce stayed exactly i just don't believe that you can have a whole other

relationship how do you have the time emotionally that's a lot like i'm because you tell so i used to be a side chick at one point in my life too i know you're speaking like a side chick listen you have to tell your side chick the hundred percent truth that's how you keep them balanced you can't lie to your side chick have her thinking she's amazing to your side chick right then that's when the problem happens because you're already lying to your girlfriend or your wife you can't lie to two people you have to tell one the truth i mean if i'm lying to one what's lying to another because you're gonna get caught up in your lies because you have to tell them two different lies no if i tell like what if i write my what if i have an excel spreadsheet with all my lies on it

you don't have that much time looking around like hold on one second hold on let me just check my from tuesday check my google doc i'm gonna write a book lies from the sideline that's a good line right from the sideline that's honestly i feel like it's gonna be a hit have you been a side chick oh absolutely but did you know you were a side chick i was in this man's house he's full-on married like it was so scary because the whole time i was there i was like yo she's gonna come here she's gonna have somebody else come here like there's no way she was married yeah this is her home she lives there did you go through the drawers did you look at she was in another state she had a gig or something like that and i was there a working

woman yeah oh no like super established like these were just like i shouldn't i shouldn't even put myself in that situation but i did um shout out to patron giving me the confidence that you needed to be in another bitch's house this podcast this podcast is not sponsored by patron no or hennessey but it should be um yeah i was definitely and then i i was looking at her clothes and just looking you're trying to try it on a jacket no she had totally different body type than me she had wife body and i was side chick body not even side chick i shouldn't have just i shouldn't even have been in the running for anything she had a wife body was that hips and ass oh great body if i show you if i show you a picture you'd be like this nigga was cheating

knowing her with you wow yeah you'll definitely yeah wow i'm not saying like i'm not shit i'm just saying like i mean it sounds like you're not i am in that situation in that scenario i am but at the time i was 26 okay okay so this is yesterday okay i had no std so i was like live my life that's why i started before 26 so i wouldn't have to wait until yeah but you don't know you don't know what your life is going to turn into you don't know that you should be a oh, yeah. You don't know that when you're 30, people gonna look at you and be like, oh, you out here in these streets?

Really? I don't know. I just feel like you were, maybe you were, maybe you were getting your work done 15 minutes into class because I didn't realize that, like, oh, now is peak ho time as a child. But I had older friends, so they was already being hoes. So they were teaching me. Oh, each one

teach one. Right. Oh, well, the more you know. The more you know. is there anything that you want to leave our listeners with like any any tips on properly being petty any tip anything you shouldn't do when you're trying to be petty like anything that's off limits when it comes to i don't think nothing's off limits when it comes to being petty oh that's her you should go that's him yeah oh wow sydney these photos i can't even i can't believe i think you should go above and beyond yeah she looks like she looks like a basketball wife she do but he also looks like a cheater he looks like his inner face look like

all the time and when you're gone is woman here he definitely looks like at the core of his right his face he looks like the moment he takes her to the airport is another girl coming to the house he has got that tristan thompson vibe okay definitely he has a tristan thompson smile in his face okay i mean i mean but she's gorgeous she is gorgeous but she also looks like when she's on her gig she may go on dates she might not let me see she may go on dating because she know that he's cheating look at it she doesn't look bothered she looks like okay he can do his thing but i'm gonna do mine too but i'm not gonna she like she like that's not my color lipstick on his neck this is day dates when she's out of town oh she absolutely day date yeah day dates

this is a hundred percent oh this is who this is I just saw the name on the She absolutely goes on day dates If a colleague is like Hey you want to go out She's going to let them pay for her And she might let him touch the titties She might let him fondle the boobs

No pictures but definitely he might touch them And she's been working out I was like damn dude Cause she's got many men in her life Many men put cock on me listen paris you were leaving us with something i feel like deep and then it went away it wasn't i don't know if it was deep i was just saying is i don't think there's no limits to being petty i

think go above and beyond when you're being petty um yeah be all that you can be wait but what if it's friendships because i feel like if you're gonna be petty you don't really want to be that person's friends that bad because i couldn't see myself like say for instance me and you have a falling out right we could be petty but that means we don't want to restore anything at all right so i was gonna say not if you're gonna go back yeah it's no point of being petty to the extreme if you're gonna go back but i don't think y'all friendship will get to that level of petty but if you feel like it's but see petty and it's still a friendship not petty on like i'm trying to shit on this bitch penny right right i mean i think because i think that's when we say the word petty

It sounds like capital letters Petty but you could be petty in like Small ways too Friendship petty is fine but if you Don't have any regards In becoming the person friend again I say go All out Annihilate finish her

Being petty is not about saving anyone Feelings I don't care My whole job is to win All she does is win win win No matter what All she does is win win win no matter what And they stay there So that's it

I just say Just don't get mad Just get petty On all levels Beautiful That's great Paris Can you just Hit us with your

Social media Where can people find you Yeah At Paris Sachet And my website Is official ParisSachet.com Yikes

I feel like y'all Was gonna get into This spill again From last week Let's get into it And I don't know What happened Official

But the listeners Didn't hear this part Of the episode Right so A white guy Early on Two years in my career Parisache.com

Didn't tell me Later told me to come and lunch He's a lawyer so he later told me to come to lunch About some deals Some deals Freaking Josh man We was into the drinks And then he was like hey

Have you tried to get a website recently And I was like why'd you ask that Cause I already knew it was something coming And he was like I bought your name When you first started Cause I knew you was gonna be big freaking freaking travis fucking edward freaking tedward right so i was like okay send it to me he was like i'll send it to you but then two months passed he didn't send it to me so i emailed him

and then he was like oh i'm gonna get it to you when i get a chance and i just was like you can keep it okay so he was holding your website name yeah that you had not yet tried to start hostage right well what was his business deal what was his business deal that you went to He wanted to talk about something comedy related. That's a lie. That's a lie. Exactly. He said Lobster and Henny is going to be there, and she came.

Lobster and Hennessy. No, he didn't say that. He said no garlic butter. Just dip Henny butter on your garlic. I stopped. I actually stopped. I had one cup of Hennessy right before you told me, and I was like, I'll take some water because I wanted to hear more.

You had a cup of Hennessy, not a glass of Hennessy. Well, you know the glass of Hennessy. Yo, Paris, I hate you, dude. At the same point, I was like, okay, it's time to stop drinking and really listen to this because i feel like this white man is trying to own me yeah and i don't trust white people i will never drink a cup of hennessy in the midst of white people i'm not gonna glass of hennessy either you're not catching me slipping and being super niggardly in a white sense yeah i mean one cup of hennessy listen you drink a couple hennessy in front of some white people you're gonna be on

a boat well i've done it thus far i haven't really been on the boat yet um you don't remember being on a boat but she was on a boat what uh um amina's boat is that you mean a fairy wait so this so joshua says i bought the domain name two years ago when i saw that's crazy that's lifetime movie behavior right there yeah that it really was and he was like oh she she's the one he bought the name he was he was on his way out he was like what did you say that comedian's name was uh paris sachet how you spell sachet you know white men yeah straight white men don't know how built sashay is it sasha like a sasha is it sasha with a a at the end yeah okay bought the name then he reaches out to you two years later right oh he was peeping in your window he was already he

already had shit backed up and built up so i was just like yeah i'll just you better take a self defense class but i think now like he let it go or something because i just stopped contacting him so he sends me messages i don't respond and he already sees that you're flourishing without that fucking website so you're fine it's official parasache.com i mean you sound like a mixtape uh rapper but it's fine yeah yeah i mean i might drop some hits once i mean you look like a rapper i can see you're doing some can you can you rap i got a couple i got a couple bars can you can you leave us with some bars you're gonna leave us with no bars no that's petty that was the worst beat city that beat is terrible your hand is too dry it's too flat knuckles it's like you have a

small hand with that beat sydney i hate it i'm not gonna do it today i'm gonna influence everybody to be petty over the weekend do something that you've been wanting to do for a long time girl there's gonna be so many fights started they're gonna be in our dms like that paris she's a troublemaker yeah she is petty sachet okay we interrupted you where can people catch you officialparissachet.com and then what else uh at paris sachet on instagram paris sachet on Facebook, Twitter, Paris Sasha. Everything Paris Sasha. Good luck with the mall stuff.

We honestly heart you so much. And if we do a live show, I totally want you to be there. Definitely. I'll be there. I love you girls, too. You're so funny. Thank you. Okay. This is getting too lovey-dovey for me.

Oh, God. Marie doesn't like too much sex, too much lovey-dovey. No, no, no, no. She likes a lot of sex. Sydney don't like me talking about sex. I don't. Okay. Which is crazy.

Like, I just became a ho this morning. It's too much. Honestly, she won't let me play. She in her whole prime. now is the time before I make money before she get real into her you can't be a hoe then

Rihanna's doing it it's not really that secret but no one's dropping sex stories on her because they want to come back that's how fire the pussy is so you gotta do it now do my kegels do your thing

thank you so much Sydney it was beautiful seeing you here this was so fun You know you can always catch us on Instagram at unofficialexpert. We have our monthly show, Hot Box, at 191 Christie Street next Wednesday, April 25th at 8 p.m. Please come through. Slide through.

Come and bring cash because we will be taking cash at the door from people who listen and say, I love you guys. If you're not on Patreon, we'll take the money up front at the show. At the show. Shout out to everybody who just listens to the podcast. We love you. Hi, Wally. oh my god valet valet all right come uh go over to the patreon and listen to the messiness there

also bye guys