MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Platonic Gays Experts" with Drew Lausch & Zach Teague

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

We've got returning guest, Zach Teague, and newcomer, Drew Lausch, on this week's episode as our Platonic Gays Experts! Drew and Zach explain how they met, who was interested in who and dish on which of them doesn't shower regularly. Plus, Sydnee talks spiritual healing and Marie offers insight on the Coronavirus!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcast----FOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Forever. Dog. Hello. Hi, I was drinking water. Rude. What? Saying that I was drinking water was rude? Well, did they hear that? Yeah, but that's a good sound.

That's refreshing. That's like ASMR for them while they're on the train right now. True, true, true. Listen. Oh, that's hot. I did come. Okay. Yeah. everybody's wet right now

as wet as my throat like your throat okay hey guys we're back with our marathon of podcasts episodes

back to back to back to back this is our six podcasts that we've done in three days in three days so

so if it sounds like we're repeating ourselves that's what it is honey I said you gotta fill these minutes mmhmm imagine that's so many hours

of just talking in that many days of like what new happened you're saying imagine as if we didn't just do that all weekend i'm trying to act like it didn't happen because there's a lot well this is the last episode of that whole bunch yeah you're welks you know well because i'm going to la for something and you know i'll be back but you know just in case they're like hey we actually need you one more week well how long what's the most amount of weeks that you'd be gone a month but that's not happening well that's five weeks i'm throwing i'm throwing i'm gonna throw it and be like okay i'm out sydney if you

gonna be gone if you making me do this marathon of episodes you better win this thing since we might need to do a prayer circle then for that we do a prayer circle we do whatever you need friend prayer circle we could uh some spells yeah we can go see a shaman oh wait i want to go to enchantment have you heard of it what is that like a cartoon place no it's a place that has like candles that um you know you can do like little spells whatever you want you could put it into the candle and burn it and it'll happen like if you want good luck says what in the craft what yeah the craft what white woman told you about this place you know somebody white i know i know we burning things that's definitely a beige that's beige behavior right there no i

burned my house down so burning is in my second nature but when you burn the house down most of your friends were what beige no they weren't ah well it was not at all since then you burned all your black friends in that house wow that is aggressive where sydney you talk about burning things that's aggressive fire is a candle you're supposed to burn the candle okay so where is enchantment it's in the lower east side that's not where i imagined it to be where do you think of it like in a field like you gotta like cross a bridge and pay a troll toll i think we should go get a candle how much does this cost it's a little expensive okay tell me the price we can do it on patreon how much does it cost i don't know i think it's i'm gonna say it's at least

50 is there food are they also burning like shish kebabs with these candles what's happening 50 to say i want something and then burn it sydney you give me 49 we could do that at my house how we can what spells can do you have oh sis i'm haitian it's in my blood shut the fuck up you're gonna put some garlic and mix some like hot sauce yeah rabbit foot kill a bird yeah like this pigeon's blood is so that you can thrive and be in la for five weeks no let's go to enchantment for real i want to go we could just go together we don't have to buy anything i just want you to come to the store with me okay i'll come and i'm gonna go live i'm gonna go live and be like look at my dumb ass friend you're doing great sweetie

i'll allow it i'll allow it whatever let's do a cool new age whatever medicines and stuff i'm into it well you know i did reiki before and that was dope molly put me on um reiki right now that's when they like heal you but they don't touch you no they touch oh they touch she was touching my feet and everything oh yeah feet but she you're pulling out the negative energy she pulled it out remember when I had like a mental breakdown like two years ago you're like sis you be doing that every other month I'm like ah

two years ago yeah I remember yesterday shut up yes yesterday as well but no I went to Reiki and she like touched my feet and she pulled everything out and I felt did you feel lighter I did I mean she's expensive as well how much did that cost

well they take group hug I don't want to say but you know I got the Molly Austin hookup so 300 no more or less

one she did it pro bono she was like it's not as expensive since it was free it is I would have to go back

now and pay how much well tell us what the rate is I think like 150 for somebody to touch my feet yeah

I could have a man do that for free but are they pulling out negative energy they putting in positive energy the energy be positive that coming in so i'm not really sure since i can't help you something is absolutely wrong with you and i think you need to help you need to talk sydney i'm just trying

to help you no i'm trying to have negativity because you see me out here radiating light and melanin and cocoa butter and i'm telling you what the what's out there for me or us yeah and you're just shutting it down every time i'm just i feel like 150 is a lot you went you said it was it was a first date yeah so but how long does that last for I feel like it

lasted for a couple weeks you know it just like centered me I felt like I felt like a new person well let's let's go on Groupon see what Groupon Reiki

I'm not doing Groupon Reiki sis you too good for Groupon well yeah Tiffany Haddish does Groupon well good for her wow that's nice

she ready you think you better I am not you think you better I ain't ready she unprepared I ain't ready wow Sydney

no You're too good for Groupon? Somebody is fucking with your, like, equilibrium and your energy and your chakras and stuff. Yeah, poor people need that too, friend. I don't know. I don't want to do it through Groupon. Because they're not going to put the right, they're going to be, they're going to put, like, Popeye's, like, crumbs within the situation. And then I'm going to be craving chicken the whole time.

Well, you trying to get thick for the summer, sis. I feel like maybe that's going to help you get your butt bigger. This is ignorant. Okay, fine. were you an expert in anything this week you know i was not i'm completely unprepared for that question but i did i did stuff this week i did stuff like i went to the gym three days ah three days is like my like if i go to the gym three days in one week i'm like i'm good for the month um i called my mother this week actually she called

me so that was a big step for us is she is she gonna be cooking like a big thing soon so i can come to long island oh yeah if coronavirus hits we going to my mom's okay fully prepared for that today she called me and she was like make sure you're washing your hands i was like girl i was doing that before you called me um and she's like go to the store and get some lemon and make drink lemon every morning for coronavirus that's the antidote i'm so tired of all these people who are like these germ everybody's a germaphobe now oh wash your hands please please please please please don't do that i've been a germaphobe oh you yes you but everybody that i'm seeing these tweets about wash your hands it's like wash your dick how about that you get coronavirus through

your urethra that's actually not how coronavirus works okay well i'm putting that i'm putting that narrative out there well sis that's the wash your dick how about that wash your feet you should wash your whole body stop being dirty reiki yo dick okay but also you should have been

washing your dick in the first place before coronavirus yeah totally that's nasty but people are like so like oh so dirty

wash your clean underneath your nails how about that that is a big fact stop finger popping people with dirty nails yeah giving out yeast infections

like it's a soup kitchen stop it are they giving yeast infections at soup kitchens no but you know like how you pass out food

at the soup kitchen that's how people are passing out yeast infections I thought you were saying that they give yeast it's called matzo ball soup you saying my joke didn't slap right it didn't hit I don't know if the community got it but maybe somebody did

well the fact that I had to like reiterate it you know well maybe somebody listening in their car was like I heard you sis got you but not me but that's what coronavirus is it's a cold that's killing people that's what it is So you're supposed to be washing your hands

and you're supposed to like cough into your elbow and you're supposed to like not touch people's hands and stuff. Also, don't kiss your cat on the mouth. Sorry, we live in New York City. It doesn't matter how much you fucking wash your hands. This place is nothing but germs. Don't you say that, Sydney! Homeless particles everywhere.

Yeah, still wash your hands and cough into your elbow. Dirty. You better cough into those plastic bags that now they're trying to take away. They're taking away the plastic bags. to save the earth sis fuck the earth I need these plastic bags you need to go see that Reiki lady again

cause you being real negative right now paper bags not helpful you ever use them you gotta double bag the Trader Joe's paper bags I've seen a woman Trader Joe's falling down the stairs and we were just like well the whole bag ripped

yeah but you can't blame the bag for her falling it was her bag the equilibrium of the Trader Joe's brown bag There was too many garbanzo bean cans in that bag. If she had, you know, put some in a backpack and then maybe done like an oat milk in one bag. You know what I mean?

She had a double-wide stroller and those. Well, she was fully prepared to fall down the stairs. You bringing both babies out at the same time? Yeah. At Trader Joe's? You deserve to fall down the stairs. She's running errands as a mother. That's tacky.

You got to leave the kids at home and run the errands? Or, I don't know what the other side of that was. Speaking of tacky, the guests that we have this evening or morning. So, you're going to say that you don't have an expertise for the day? We just going to skip it? Oh, wait. I didn't say anything. Oh, wow.

You saw how she tried to glide through? Wait, I felt like I talked about my expertise. Did she? Yeah. What was her expertise? I said that I didn't have anything. She needs spiritual healing. Yeah, but that's not the expertise.

Okay. That was fine. Yeah, that wasn't my expertise. you're right that's fine oh save it for episode oh you know what you know what my expertise was um my expertise was um accepting change that was my expertise okay you know because you know i don't have a job anymore and i'm out here out here and uh you know i will no longer say no to auditions i'm gonna take them because sis needs work now were you saying no to auditions or auditions saying no to you I'm just saying like were you were you booking and you were saying no

or were you just not going to the audition I wasn't giving them the opportunity to say yes or no okay say yes to the dress friend I yeah okay good I like that for you now I'm going to be taking auditions and I'm going to be showing up and I'm going to be prepared yes fully prepared you know because I was saying no after I said yes and then they would message me and they're like hey are you showing up and i'm like you know what happened um self-care but you wouldn't be going i would be going to auditions that i said yes to and i'd be like 40 minutes late and they'd be like well the session is done at four and i'd be like well i'm almost there i got there at 358 knocking no answer i'm like hello i'm calling my manager like just so you know i was here before four

I got here before. What time did you get there? At least seven minutes ago. Lies. Yo, I would go to auditions just fucking nervous. Just a mess. Like, would you like to come back tomorrow? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll come back tomorrow. Tomorrow comes, you're like, you're still nervous. It's fine. Just shaking. You're just holding the paper. You're like. That's what it is. Yo.

Yes, girl. No, that's not even. wasn't even the side at all yeah sorry are we starting on page one because i was on page three is that okay can i start at three and then work my way back no no no you know what i actually had an audition before this so that was from the other side right another audition that i did you know cross town yeah i had an audition the other day and uh i went in i was like i'm ready i know all the lines the camera started i was like can we start again can we take it one more time from the tops three times from the top and i was i was like they're not even recording at

this point you told this story already but it's it's funnier the second time i thought i was gonna book this thing i was like oh there's no way i'm not gonna book this kevin hart's wife that's me that's not me uh speaking of not being me uh our guests today are the opposite of sydney and i but also kind of the same they're kind of the same no i feel like they get this all that They have, like, the same vibes as us. You know, they do a lot of things together. They're in a lot of pictures together. They're both attractive.

They're very, they compliment each other. They're photogenic as fuck. They're very close in pictures and in real life. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So you're like, oh, how could they not be fucking? You're like, they definitely banging. Yeah. Like, they're always in sync.

They're always, like, adding to each other's jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They fucking tap dance. Yeah, we do that. Absolutely. We do that upstate. Okay, hello. So you have to pay real money if you want to see us.

Third Monday of every month. Yeah. With us. Tat, tat, tat, tat, tat, tat, tat. They have a great show. Yes. House Party. Party.

We've both been on it. It's fabulous. It's always sold out. Always. We love a sold out. J'adore a sold out. Okay, and it's not just a show. It's an experience, bitch.

Beach. Beach. Okay, you better come done. There's an intermission. There's a dance break. Yeah. There's like visual meters. There's poppers.

There's poppers? Poppers. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, I need to ask them where I can buy poppers. Just, you know, for us.

Anyway, give it up for our platonic gays. Yes, platonic gays. It's somebody who's been here before and somebody new. It's Zach T. and Drew, how do you say his last name? Lausch. Lausch. Drew Lausch. Lausch.

Hi. Lausch feels like it could be like lawyer. That's like Lausch. Lausch is real German. Lausch. It is really German, yeah. And you are quite blonde. Can you tell by my look?

Yeah. Beige. Like you're a singer. earlier beige lauch and teague lauch and teague incorporated you called us tacky earlier do you remember that i haven't forgotten about it well you guys you guys we are tacky tacky my arms are crossed are you sweating yeah it's hot in here it is hot in here that i mean you guys you guys we promo down okay promo yeah you oh you promo house down like on instagram everywhere yeah you're always promoting trying is it annoying you can be honest

this is a feedback session okay it's not a podcast message me he said hey girl how you doing we need to promote house party what's good i said oh well oh you didn't share the post uh i did share the post and thank you for that really thank you and i've been mode you immediately i did we've been there for every promo what's your rate wait no i retweeted every time and i i was going hard okay i was the first like don't make this about you but also it means the world really thank you thank you drew is a nice one i'm the mean one uh we so drew is the sydney yeah are you i guess sisters no no but the way you smile it's like you're saying something

shady though in your head oh shit you know what because you do smile with your full face but it does feel a little Regina George yes it does wow I will say that isn't the first time I've gotten that I remember in acting school there was like there was a teacher who was like

he was going around like giving people what roles they would be right for and then he got to me and he was like and Drew you seem like someone that would play like he seems nice buddy isn't nice and everybody else had gotten like ingenue or like funny man and i was like wow read my character you're just mad you're not an ingenue i know i know i was like is it weird that i'm like ingenue what's that it's like a it's like a blonde girl stuck in a

stuck in a tower oh that's an ingenue right sleeping beauty yeah yeah which did you know that sydney thank you for asking for the listeners that didn't know y'all didn't go to musical theater school no we did not good for you we're cool people yeah you are and sydney okay so zach you came on the podcast you know last year a fiscal year ago people loved it you know obsessed you were our divorce yeah divorce yeah we talked about your dad your mom your scandals she's hot yeah sandals the scandals oh sandals of scandals. Scandalones. Drew, tell us where

you're from so people can get to know you a little bit. Yeah, so I'm originally from Fargo, North Dakota. What? No. I'm sorry to hear that. Really? Yeah. It was such a dream growing up gay there, really. Oh, wow. Yeah, no. Born and raised Fargo, North Dakota, and then I went to college in upstate New York, and I've been here for like three

years. Just three? Fargo, North Dakota. Now your energy makes sense to me. This is North Dakota. Like Midwest nice. Like nice. But like a little pained. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of drinking. Some pills?

Not afraid of the booze in North Dakota. You don't seem like you're a drinker. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. You don't seem like you drink at all. You're more like a pill person. Pills, yes. A pill. A lemon pill.

Oh, wait, like a face mask person? No, like a pill popper. No, like you take pills. Oh. Like Svalium? You're like a half an oxy half. Oh. Save the rest for dinner.

Yeah. I've actually never had a pill phase, which is kind of surprising. When I got my tonsils out, I enjoyed my full dosage well after I needed them. But yeah, definitely love to drink. It's cold in North Dakota. You like ibuprofen. Yes. And NyQuil and DayQuil are really the dream for me.

Scissor. Yeah. That was a big North Dakota thing. Robo-tripping. That's what they call it, right? Yeah. It was kind of fun. Robo-tripping.

Like Robitussin? It's when you put Robitussin in Sprite. I think rich kids do that in boarding school because they don't want to get caught with alcohol. Robo-trippin' is white people scissor. White people lean. Yeah. No, but isn't lean that?

What's lean? It's codeine and Sprite. Oh, but this is just... Robitussin' and Sprite. It's called lean? Lean. Wait, first of all, we're not educating you on our pain. Well, not our, because we don't use it.

I'm just curious. I don't even know where one buys codeine. Yeah. Oh, it's expensive. Dwayne Reed? No. Walgreens. Walgreens?

You got to have good health insurance to get coating. Liquid coating. Does it come in another form? Liquid coating. Like solid coating? Yeah. Slices of coating. A sprinkle of coating.

Okay. But anyway, yes. Okay. So you've been here for three years. How long have y'all been friends? Three years. Three years, right? Yeah.

Like about three years. Our friend introduced us Because she thought we'd be a good match Like to date I really hit on Zach Zach had a boyfriend at the time and I went up to him And I was like you did right No that was the night I met my boyfriend

The night I met you was the night I met my boyfriend And you came up to me in like a full blackout And you hadn't I don't think taken a shower And I was like I'm not interested You better drag him you are the Marie You are absolutely the Marie Let's hold hands But I loved him

I know I probably was like limping too I don't have a limp but that's just like how I showed up I was like hey you want to get out of here you were like pulled out some crutches I'll pass you were like no but make sure you get home safe yeah truly and I skipped all the way home I was like I live close

did you live close yeah at the time I was like we should hang out sometime and you were like we should and I was like yeah were you wearing a little vest yeah that and a mini skirt I remember what he was wearing he was wearing jorts that I think he had been wearing

for a week was it pride probably cause if it's pride then that's okay that makes sense pride you go we rally for pride

days on days on days I wear jorts a lot in the summer but I learned my lesson are you making them yourself or are you buying jeans you cut them

they have stains on them he wears jorts and Fila sandals and it's a real fucking look it's a real head turner you had Fila sandals on

and jorts where are you trying to have a camp resurgence or something like that? Sure, yeah. And a wrinkly tank top. I thought it was like my summer girl look. I was just like fun. I had like a boil on my leg. I was just

like running around, like owning it. You know? Yo, Drew, I can't believe Zach said no to that. I know. You're such a fucking catch, dude. The one that got away truly. Yeah. Okay, so what was Zach giving? What was Zach wearing?

I don't know. I mean, actually, Zach was pretty suave I mean I feel like you were wearing like a nice hat no seriously I mean you were a blackout so yeah I know I mean that's no I just I remember like I remember shooting my shot in like the Wallace the bar I like walked up and I was like we should get out of here and you were like I you were like I don't

know should we there was like another guy from your school that was there who also was like I was kind of flirting with and so then I like and he was like I don't know but I was like I thought it was really going well but then as I was leaving I was walking with my other friend and I passed you

and your I mean now ex-boyfriend and Emily was like oh that's like his like flirtation yeah yeah and so then I punched the ex and I'm just kidding yeah no but I mean it didn't yeah I know I mean really suave I was mean to you and my ex

was mean to me that night so it was really just oh you deserved it Zach I went up to him I thought he was cute and I was like so what's your story and he went um try again Your ex is also Marie I mean What's your story

What I should have known Is that a line That people are I'm gonna try that The ex of my sex So what's your story You used to make me shower

Before I got into bed Well yeah you should I always shower So I don't have a day job And I shower three times a day But it's the summer time And you out in jean shorts

Not me Not I I would never ever Wear shorts Ever So no shorts for you In the summer time No crop top

No bottoms so how did wait so you he wears jorts and vila sandals how did this like come about how are you guys right because how do y'all gel so well because you turned them down yeah yeah well we like what what even happened i feel like we met like a few times doing comedy shows and then and then like i realized that we had like a similar background in like musical theater which i know super cool oh yeah we're meeting at like bringers yeah no truly well like like coogan's do y'all know what coogan's is never heard it's an irish pub in washington heights check it out great spot to do comedy all set we can get you up yeah yeah we'd rather be down

won't be alive for that guys and then i was like oh we should maybe do a show together and then we met at a bar uptown and got like tanked and we're like we're brainstorming like what if we did a photo shoot in a comedy show and then we came up with Bottomless. You did Bottomless. Oh yeah. Remember the drag brunch show

like underneath a Tex-Mex restaurant? Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. Westside? Yeah it was at 1pm on a Sunday. The best time to do comedy. Bottomless. That was fun. Yeah. Never heard of it. Well we sold

20 tickets one time and drew and i were like this is it i know we were like jumping up and down in the bathroom this is it i love how dramatic y'all are it's great this is musical theater i'm pretty obsessed with this with this you like it yeah no i'm now because i'm just trying to get like how did this come about because you guys are opposites but somehow the same yeah compliment each other and when you're in pictures and dancing and stuff i'm like yeah they're friends yeah we're good friends and we have good banter I think we're both scared of silence so we just

keep talking and talking and talking totally yeah we are yeah I mean I really I feel like one time we really tested people though we did Zach brought me to like an Elon alumni event and so we all got dressed we all got like dressed up and like went out and we had your

fancy shorts on yes yeah well no I still wore jorts I just washed they were black jorts George with a blazer No shirt underneath the blazer Right yeah and the staff had finally Cleared up so we were all set but No but we were like

We got like really drunk and then we were like dancing all night But then everybody was taking photos in front Of um in front of the fountain At Lincoln Center and we like thought It was like hilarious to ask people To like take photos of us like making out Because like Whose idea was the making out?

We were just did we do poppers in front of Lincoln Center that night we would never well we do all our poppers indoors we have class we did make out in an Uber that night

I guess we did I hate platonic gays platonic my ass is this how you got on the fucking pod you shammed us no that's platonic it is platonic though

yeah because we like were making out and then we were like making out in the Uber and then we were making out in Zach's room and then we were like ha ha

and then like shook hands and I was like I'm gonna like skip home I'll talk to you later so nobody's dick was hard is that what you're saying well that's the thing we did some over the pants

crotch rubbing and it was soft it was just a stack of dimes and there was nothing there that's a stack of dimes yeah that's hard and little

yeah I didn't live at the same time it was like flaccid but not really but a stack of dimes is hard yeah that's not soft

or like a life The Gummy Lifesavers. I don't know. Oh, Gummy Lifesavers. Saki Plaza. Anyway, we shook hands and we were like, see you at the meeting tomorrow. Yeah. And then the next day we were like, ha, ha, ha, LOL.

And the meeting was- And I feel like that's kind of platonic friendship. The meeting was AA? Well, it was. Platonic gays. Huh? I feel like gay friends, they just have to do that sometimes. Well, Marie's not gay, so.

Not that you know. Gay adjacent. You're still young. Yeah, true. Well, we've been friends longer than three years. Yes, we have. And we've never- Three times.

We were going on six, friend. Six? I've never made out in front of a Lincoln Center. How did y'all meet? An open mic. Okay. Very vain. We're just like, oh, you're so pretty.

Let's be friends. Honestly, that's how we met. That's what it is. It was like, oh, my God, nobody's cute like us. And it was like, bye. Yeah, and we'd go to open mics and make fun of people in the back. And then Kiki and everybody's like, you guys should have a show together. And we were like, we should.

I can't imagine y'all on an open mic. At all. It's terrible. I hate open mics. wrong because y'all were laughing so much yeah we were laughing at their jokes and they're like and we were like look at his toes but that's what we said we would say he thinks he's funny and then we would laugh loud and they would be on stage like oh i'm killing yeah or the joke just

falls all the way flat and we're crying yeah when a joke when people would bomb we would literally we would jizz a little bit we would be like nobody laughed I hosted a mic for a year and Marie would come and it would just be like yes somebody to laugh at this

terrible stuff and people still will be like Marie remember when you and Sydney hosted that mic and I'm like I never hosted that I would just come laugh at y'all I hate mics everyone does comedy in their jackets well it's cold yeah but take your jacket off before you go on stage

No, it's cold. You know, people are dead inside. Not like a bomber jacket, like a coat, like a long coat. I used to see people get on stage with their laptops doing open mics. What? Reading their jokes off their laptop. And it was like, since you don't have your phone on. Well, comedians are thieves, so I'm bringing everything with me.

Because I don't trust any of these hoes. Trust no bitch. That's what that is. You bring everything on stage with you? Oh, hell yeah. That's not true. Well, Cindy also doesn't do mics no more. What's the last time we did a mic, sis?

Three years ago? House party. Okay. Sis, bottomless. Don't you dare. Bottomless at 1 p.m. Wow. It was 20 other people there watching me do new jokes.

Woo, woo, woo. Okay, so you guys made out and realized that there was nothing there, and that's why you guys are platonic. Yeah. So you tested the waters. That's what happened. I guess. Or it's boredom.

Yeah. Well, I feel like we were both, well, we were both then kind of fresh off breakups, too. So I think we were just trying to feel something. Yeah, it's it's really it's really ask any of your Gay male friends. I feel like they probably made out or like sex. Yeah, I mean a lot of had sex Andrew That's not true you're lying you're lying in front of

Zach said you are lying that is not true I'm not on mic I'm not talking oh yes oh my fuck because you're here damn Drew

I'm so sorry there's only four microphones yeah we need Andrew in here get out Drew we'll have a threesome later get out Drew Zach Zach said

it's gonna be a threesome later I mean no I don't no I have not I have not made out with any of my friends really

female that's a lot of self control yeah No, I just don't, like, no. I mean, I guess I haven't made out with that many of my gay friends. What's that many? I feel like at least eight. I don't know.

Yeah, probably. I feel like a lot of new gay friends, sometimes it's like, if there's just like enough liquor in the mix, it's like, well, why don't we try this a little bit? I don't know. I feel like I had a lot of sex with my good friends in college. Good friends? That's true. I've never had sex with my good friends. My good friends.

Never. this is my pad musical theater school is a bathhouse a bathhouse it is kind of but you're like it's my 21st birthday

and we're juniors now like why not why not give this a go you cannot be my good friend and know what the inside of my rectum look like so sorry who's in your rectum

your rectum not a good friend not a good friend I'll tell you that much is this your rectum a bad friend a bad friend has been in there

okay alright yeah well some bad friends have been in our rectums too I would say no I'm no you know and everything in between.

Zach said, not him, sweetie. Not really. Not to boot him. You want to be untied? I wish. Okay, wait. So you guys made out that day

and then woke up the next day and you were fine? Yeah, we just never talked about it. Until now. Until right now. Until now. So Drew, how are you feeling about it?

Well, actually, I'm really happy to air this live. Okay, take a shower. Yeah, no. Well, wait. You called him like dirty up top but you kissed him later. well because he dirty too he no we went to lincoln center that day he definitely showered

no i did wait drew are you not showering on a regular basis okay okay okay i need to say okay okay clear the air no no i will say i have showered every day this year it's just it's march friend yes yes march two yes wait why are you saying it like that's something that's not the norm for you you usually don't shower every day well i wasn't always wow i don't know no i don't know you can't even answer it quickly okay no i wasn't because i was like i would want it i was like i'm like a free spirit and like not like and like the oils are good and like it's like fine you're one of those people that like like brad pitt yeah that likes um the natural musk yeah yeah well i was

trying that's what connects people when you were talking about reiki he was drooling at the mouth i would love to give that a go you would like to give reiki a go but not a wash not a wash i let you reiki a washcloth over your body reiki some water yeah get him some baby wipes for his birthday yeah wow listeners if you are listening if you just listen to that you need to put some palm trees last post he's single the photo he looks the dirtiest in yeah or or if you're like did drew wash that day yes or no oh my god i mean you can tell in some of our photos it's like uh drew's hair is a little greasy it's a little greasy i've never even i've

never thought about this come off like that that's you always look put together but i will say before we started recording i said drew what color is that shirt you got see and he said white and i said no white nobody's white friend it might have been white when you bought it at the store yeah it was i've had it for a while but i have been showering i haven't showering regularly scotch and soda oh yeah you used to work there I did yeah but I also will say once I did get not to be like too graphic and not to bring up staff literally for the fourth time today

but once that happened like once I had that what did you have the summer I was wearing my jorts and my fila sandals like every day I got he calls it a boil it's not a boil you got a fucking staph infection on your leg what is a staph infection what is a staph infection

it is a intense bacterial infection that Drew, you brought coronavirus in the studio today? No, no, no, it's gone. I have a scar, but it's gone. Let me see the scar. Okay. Well, it's like...

Oh, you gotta take your pants off. Yeah, I mean, I can. Sydney wants to see a stack of pennies today. Yeah, I know. Well, I am on card right now, so I can't get a little wild. All that Reiki talk. But then you got soft because we were talking about washing. He said, let me Reiki my dick across your forehead.

Okay, your verse. Speed, speed, speed. Your verse. Drew's verse. I'm glad that you've showered every day this year I'm proud of you I'm sure you'd be roasting him

all the time you started up top I was like whoa whoa Marie calm down we just started the pod we love each other so much we really really do but I'm sure you guys have gotten into arguments

it wasn't more of an argument it was me chastising Drew welcome to the unofficial expert with zach and drew the takeover with your guests marie and sydney yeah sorry baby the takeover is that y'all's kind of arguments as well yeah you need to answer your phone facetime me back we have a show tomorrow right yeah well the email the maddest let's list that yeah the maddest i feel like you've ever been is when you called me before our first house party

and you were like alright let's go over some things and I was like I'm at like a rent viewing party he was like eyes crossed in a staircase which my bad but the show went well hey what

I love you that was nice did you guys get in a fight over the rent viewing party too no this was rent live rent live which why You chose that over me Yeah that is fucked up

Now that I think about it Well he picked up the phone and spoke to you in the stairwell With his eyes crossed So did he choose that over you? Thank you Marie You're supposed to be on my side They didn't pause live rant for him He came in he missed the whole scene

Take me or leave me Were you sad to miss Vanessa Carlton Or whatever her name is She was in that right Vanessa Carlton or Vanessa Hudgens Hutchins? Hutchins. Same thing.

Vanessa Carlton is not the same thing. It almost is. Both white brunettes. Well, one played the piano, and one is playing Nick Lachey, right? No, that's Vanessa Lachey. Oh. Okay, so it's three Vanessas that we're talking about right now. I was like, is there a biopic about Nick Lachey coming on Vanessa Hutchins?

They were all in Rent Live. Just some of them were in the ensemble. Also, who would watch a Nick Lachey biopic? These two guys. count me in okay love is blind front row seat yeah why why is nick lachey the host of it i'm sorry we talked about this um so just chastising that's it yeah it's it's better now it's we don't we don't we don't ever i feel like we like read each other's minds yeah i feel like now we've reached a point though where like i mean i don't know i think like and you guys i'm probably relate

But like, I don't know, like meeting and then hosting together on stage and like working together and like being friends, like everything, I think, becomes so involved sometimes that, of course, there's going to be like a little bit of tension. But once you've I don't know, I mean, once it's like three years, it's like and especially in a business like this, it's like, well, I mean, yes, there are. I feel like certain things that both of us could be like, oh, that grinds my gears. But then so much of it is like, oh, but on stage you're inspiring me and you're challenging me and you're like, you know, you're just, you're like.

Sydney, all those things. On stage you inspire me and you challenge me. And when you're funny, I'm like, come on, we're joking. Yeah. That's what it feels like. You're like constantly pushing each other to do better. But that's what good chemistry is.

You're not, it doesn't feel forced at all. Sydney will say something and I'll say something or I'll say something to set up a joke that I know she already has. and people are like did you rehearse that and we're like no we know we both got here late and we just hang out all the time that we fucking know each other's

jokes it's cute and it's kind of fun I mean I know it can be annoying I'm sure it's like it can be annoying for some people like us because like once we're like like something like not on stage and we're just like really going in but then it's like oh right like this is why we've been

like fucking with each other for so long I thought you were going to say this is why we've been fucking we were all like also I love that you were plagued with a stack of times is this the size I know this is foreplay this is a scale

yeah that sack and minus two of those y'all are insanity y'all don't prepare right prepare when before you go on stage together Well, we'll be like, well, what do you want to start with? And sometimes we'll do it that way.

Yeah. Because if we have like a rough idea of what we want to talk about, then we can kind of follow that. But we like to deviate. We run lights. People be like, we want you to do five. We'd be up there for 23 minutes. We love a good. We're like, was that the light?

We love a good riff city, you know, going a tangent. That's what I tell Drew all the time. Sydney always shows up to the show like she's headlining. but we love you i always message you in advance hey i'm gonna be late because i have another show okay double booked yeah it's not my fault that's your girls is busy okay i'm like on the street today i'm really feeling it no why are you being so mean today let's talk about i did peloton and i have a lot of energy oh yeah you have been working out a lot recently i have yeah get your summer body together yeah revenge bod you know what i mean you're going through something

I just want to look good So when people ask me I can be like Look at my abs While I walk away I walk away backwards Yeah no Just add some

Fila sandals to that And people will really Be creaming themselves Okay Creaming themselves You heard me say Creaming themselves Fila sandals

She's gonna go live When she does it You know those are cancelled Do you have a picture of them? we're gonna post them on we at least have nine yeah let me find at least nine we'll put it in the stories oh yeah yeah to promote this podcast it's just a picture of true speed yeah you guys all have some subscribers but but maybe some foot fetish eye people yeah so wait drew you never see like zach just looking like mad good and you're like yo i wish this could like have gone away

No, but I look at him And I'm like, oh god, you're gonna be With someone so fabulous someday Oh wow, y'all are really our friends Why do you do that with your face? You didn't know that he Yeah, no, but like if I see Zach on the dance floor And he's like hooking up with a dude And they're like looking great

No, not in a reading way, I'm just like Oh my god, yes bitch, like you're hot, own it I didn't think you were reading me, I just like Real horror Oh no, oh my god, no, I think you're like I think you're sexually healthy That's a good way to look at it She's a hoe

She's a hoe She's a hoe I said that she's a hoe We didn't prepare a song I was hopping in Drew said 5, 6, 7, 8 H-O-E Give me a break

Give me a break We brought our tap shoes Did you? No Drew didn't even bring a coat He came to the studio with no coat Just dirty shirt He said it's 50 degrees outside it's warm Um okay

So has he ever dated somebody that you didn't like And vice versa Um Eventually yes I feel like I always I feel like I always go into every relationship That Zach's been in like open minded There's been there's like one that I can think of That I was like that I met like once

And I was In three years how many fucking people have you been with dude I mean I've been single for two years But I am I do date Casually date He's tall How tall are you?

Not six I don't know why I said nine Six five He's six five Says he out here People want to climb this tree This stack of dimes Sexy

Hung like a mule Stack of dimes over here Stack of dimes No it's not It's not very big Zach the Stallion Wow I know you got some silver dollars in there

Some sack of chawiyas Some money Some Susan B. Anthony's sack of silver dollars you know those are the bigger quarters oh that's the one with sacagawea on it that's what you're saying sacagawea is that how you say it i was not correct i was not correcting you oh it wasn't sacagaweas um okay so he who was the person that you didn't like i remember um i mean he wore flare pants uh well that sounds homophobic remember flare pants right we went to that drag show i feel like they were patterned yes

was that the one yeah on the east side we like met up for drinks before we went to a show together and he had on flare it was like nice enough i was just like this can't happen for too long because i don't really want to like hang with him no he was i don't know who you're talking about with flare pants he was wearing i remember him wearing flare pants was i like they were like high-waisted like flare pants yeah you're like what the fuck is he wearing i remember you being upset about it and i was like what are you wearing okay i was like i would love to see Drew trying to drag somebody into sports while wearing jean shorts.

I know. DIY jean shorts. DIY. What is he even wearing? Probably like a middle part and like highlights that I've grown out. I was like, he just doesn't get fashion.

In a Sailor Moon t-shirt. Yeah. I love Sailor Moon. I don't know. I mean, he was kind of annoying. I can't even remember his name. Miles. Huh?

Joel? Yeah. Who's Joel? I love how. I thought that was his name. Who is Joel? Drew whispered it and Zach screamed it

into the mic. Joel! No, no. Who's Joel? I don't know. That guy that we met at Tammy Spanx's show. You know who we're

talking about? I can't even remember. I love that they named him. You can't even remember him? I can't even remember. It's the Molly from two weeks ago. This is me and Sydney

because I remember nothing and she remembers everything. Joel? Who is Joel? Was I in someone named Joel? He was ex-religious? You're inside somebody who wore flares.

His name was Joel. He was ex-religious and he was very emotionally, like, right off the bat. He was needing, like, a lot from you. And I was like, this just seems like about, like, his past. You know what? He is drawing a blank, bitch. I know. You don't know.

I love this. No, I'm getting a nosebleed. I literally can't. No, that's fine. I mean, was. Yeah, I got tissues. Friends with Tammy Spanx, we met. Great drag queen.

Yeah. Tammy Spanx. And we met. We got drinks before, like, a show together. It sounds like y'all get drinks before everything. Yeah. Everything. I know I'm like the happy hour at the one place

We used to drink before we performed And we don't do that anymore Well you don't do that anymore He's sneaking some I don't get high before shows anymore That's not ideal You guys have all those glitter and the lights You gotta pick one or the other

My mouth would get so dry You can't have cotton mouth And glitter in your eye It just doesn't work So now has Drew ever dated somebody that you didn't like? absolutely okay somebody also with flares absolutely well the first the first one i mean you've only dated two people since we've been friends true but the first person you're a whore

that's why i had a crisis earlier because i just realized on this podcast that i might be a whore yeah well uh this is an intervention yeah official whore expert whatever that was bad uh what what was his name he wasn't that great was he a comedian No. No. No, he cheated on me in a pretty spectacular way. Okay, wow. And Drew left, he cheated on him and then Drew left his ass in Dallas.

He bought, like his parents had bought his flight and then he was like, you are not coming home with me and then left his ass in Dallas. Wait, what, how did he cheat on you in this spectacular way? Well, so I, I mean, I kind of found out, I found out like later when we were like on a literal family vacation i like we like my family and i had gone to this wedding like in arizona and then i had some shows in dallas so i was like oh like come with and then we'll go to dallas and it'll be like this like fun like whatever yeah yeah and then i mean at the wedding it was i mean long story we had issues obviously but um but then like and a lot of alcohol was infused into this

again i sound like a real winner but like we were in arizona and we had just been like fighting and fighting and fighting and then like i had made the choice i mean and again like once you make the choice to go through a lover's phone like the relationship is over yeah sure so but i was like okay i'm gonna do this because i have to so did he go to the bathroom and leave it or did he give you his he didn't well he was well i we had gone out that night i'd had like two shows and then we were going out with some friends and he had been like blacking out a lot and so this night i was like you took advantage of him blacking out well i had said okay a winner i love i had just asked i was like hey could you not like super like don't drink the everclear slushy tonight like let's

everclear slushy that's that's what they're doing in arizona yeah that's it dallas yeah everything's bigger in dallas yeah it's kind of fab wow but but then but he still ended up blacking out so then he was like throwing up in the bathroom and i was just like feeling like whatever instead of holding his hair you were holding his phone right and going through okay yeah and then so then i like read through and it i mean you know a conversation with another guy xyz and then when i like really started freaking out about that another friend had texted me and was like and i just like want you to know that he had tried to bring home um like these two guys at our alumni event like a few weeks earlier penetration okay yeah and and i just i didn't

know and i was out of town when that had transpired and so then that happened and then i like really went full rage blackout and was like i have never heard this story okay and this is the great thing about the unofficial expert i have only heard the cliff notes version the true cliff notes version yeah well you don't like to dive deep you like to be like jose was a fucker and i left him i left him in dallas yeah yeah so you left you got on a plane and left him in dallas yeah i mean i like took all the shit out of my that's a show honey left him in dallas left him in dallas that's the pilot you should be writing yeah i mean good job in the city so you left you took all his clothes out of your carry-on because you guys packed one bag together yeah and then i was like and then he

like texted he texted my mom and was like hey can i have the confirmation number and i was like no like this motherfucker can buy his own ticket back to yeah that's what credit cards are like i don't love that yeah well i was like you can and then i i mean and then when i got back did your mom yeah well because i don't even have your mom's number blocked him right after right well no she was just like i'm gonna check in with drew and i was like in a hotel room that night and i was like um no like whores don't get confirmation numbers that's a burger that's my friend exactly that's a bumper sticker yeah yeah whores don't get confirmation numbers no that's that's that's merch when i run for office yeah that's the

campaign you're running yeah that is totally how do you feel about climate change whores don't get confirmation numbers they'll be like that doesn't make any sense yes it does for my campaign it absolutely does hell yeah um okay so so you guys both had situations where you're like nope i'm not here for that person um i'm just gonna keep bringing it back to like how come you guys didn't have sex so wait do you ever see each other's body and you're like that's yeah you Where would we see each other's body? When you're changing into your tap shoes. At Barry's?

Oh. At Barry's Boot Camp. She's like, I'm being serious. Like in our group chat, we send each other nudes. Oh, no. No, we don't send each other nudes. I feel like that's teetering. Yeah, I don't think.

We send nudes, but we don't touch each other. Y'all have touched each other, but don't send nudes? Yeah, but I think we've explored, like we've had, I feel like we've had drunken conversations about us being like, oh, are we doing that? Because so many people think that. Everyone sees two gay men like holding hands. What? We don't hold hands.

Like holding each other's arm. Like skipping down the street. Before they're confused in the situation. We're like, we've never said nudes, but we always hold hands. They see two gays in a picture and they're like, oh, they're getting married tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I feel like every time at our show, I mean, and we obviously make jokes about

it because we're like ha ha ha the sexual tension is palpable yeah but I mean I don't think we've ever looked at each other and been like fuck I just want to get over there I want to cancel this show and just rip you a new hole but you're a top and I'm a bottom rip you a new hole everything that y'all just said sounds like y'all do

say those things and you're a top and he's a bottom we never like say it Andrew doesn't have a mic oh whatever sorry okay there we go I am here everyone In the room

The gay There's never been this many gays in the room Literally I'm the only You're the only straight We take over Sacrifice you Do you think that they want to sleep together No I don't think so

I don't think so I think that you both will find Someone really great for each of you Well if you know someone Send them our way Yeah his name is Andrew No it's okay His name is Andrew I'm going to pass on that one

Did you say you'll pass? Thank you for the feedback It's like I'm all set Wowie Wowie So what's next for y'all? Since you're not banging What is the dream gig?

What's the dream thing that you guys book Either together or separately? What does that look like? i don't know right right now we're kind of developing house party for like a television series or like you know shopping it around a little bit and that would be gorgeous a little yeah we got a deck we have a deck we have like a little sizzle reel a sizzle and uh i don't know we've kind of like we used to do a lot of like stand-up on our own and now we're like getting booked together all the time and we talked about it the other day it's just really refreshing to

be together on stage and like look forward to something because sometimes doing stand-up it's like oh fuck like this is hanging over my head you have to do this at the end of the day and we always look forward to it and i feel like us performing together is like a gateway to so many new and exciting things that we'll be able to do on our own you know what i mean like i feel like it's gonna branch out this is very gay yeah well and we're tap dancing too i mean we just are really leaning all the way in is it too serious i don't know i'm like marie do you ever think about that do you ever think about what they was talking like my eyes glazed yeah you didn't oh my god i was looking right at you you said you didn't hear a damn thing i said i didn't hear a word

give me one word that i said you said you guys are getting booked together to perform a lot and it's refreshing to like have that to look forward to at the end of the day i was listening i just forgot after you said it okay but i would be like marie do you i've been like do you ever think about that think about what sydney at night this is selena she from texas like you i love selena no no no gomez gomez is that the brother you love selena gomez it's not gomez you're out of control you know i tried to listen to a selena gomez song the other day and i was like this is not it's not singing she can't sing above like it's not she can't relate to her

but she's like a superstar yeah she is she's beautiful disney channel money yeah yeah because it's like since the voice ain't really there no well have you seen her live no but i would Of course I know I mean I don't know I'm just I'm like a sucker for Honestly

Him liking Selena Gomez Has created a lot of tension Yeah that's That's probably our next fight And you like Halsey too Don't you I used to like her more Than I

Well have Halsey's cancelled Yeah who's Halsey Yeah I don't know A single Halsey song Well she had like this song I mean I first fell in love with her When she had this song It was like

Cigarettes And tiny liquor bottles Marie just fell asleep I don't know that song Is she the one that was in that airplane song? Airplane song? I was like, it's a nice guy. It's a nice guy.

Is that Halsey? Hayley Williams from Paramore. Well, Hayley, Halsey. Same base name. She had, you know the song, I mean, the song with the chain smokers. We ain't ever getting older. I know. I'm sorry.

No, I do know that song. We ain't ever getting older. I've never heard you so uninterested in a conversation. Her name is Halsey? Yeah, like the stop. Ah, like the Halsey stop Like the Halsey stop Yeah, that

Singer first Yeah, we should do a cover Yeah, on YouTube Acoustic Do you play the ukulele? No, but there's a keyboard back there We can figure out the chords Okay

We ain't never getting older I'll play the recorder Across buns, across buns I'm sorry Zach, your face does not go with a recorder yeah at all yes it does why not your face is too cool it's not

believable who who looks good with a recorder a goat I was like I'll play the recorder I was like hey you can take the guitar off I've got this I was the one that just said I like Selena Gomez I deserve the

recorder like I do it's real yeah I'll take it he's playing row row row your boat Yeah My favorite song Selena Gomez Really Okay so who else

Are you listening to Let's just get this Out of the way Since we're here Well I really like We went to a Tuvlo concert recently

Oh so good Do you know who Tuvlo is Is that Cool Girl Yes I like that song She's so good She's really She broke her foot

And then did the entire Concert in a chair Yeah A throne It was badass A throne I like that A throne

That worked It was a Jessie J moment It was so fucking fierce Alicia Keys Playing the piano Does Alicia Keys sit down? Yeah. At the piano.

Sometimes if she's feeling cool, she'll stand at that keyboard. Some people want it all. I like when she does that song. But this girl is on fire, really. Girl is on fire. Well, you know. I'm like, yeah. She's like, don't do this before that performance.

She's like, we got to really lock it in. So, okay. So who do you like? Who do I like? Yeah, music wise. Ariana Grande. Well, Ariana got some bops. She's good

She's good Do you like Ariana Grande You don't I mean as a person No no no I like her But I'm also like They

She was gonna be Made to be like A pop princess Yeah Like that ponytail That ponytail Eyebrows She's never gonna look 30

Like that's just She don't even How old is she 26 27 She's still giving me 16 Yeah Yeah

She needs to be in Riverdale Yeah That's true What Riverdale or Euphoria I love her she could put out a song like a album of tibetan throat singing and i would love it tibetan throat singing that's what that's what alicia keys does who do y'all listen to everything i listen to

everybody a lot of uh trap house music something that like you know you should be like cooking crack with what what yeah trap house trap house music in the middle of the day yeah he said in the morning with breakfast it's either no it's either trap or super super sad like the smiths Like Sara Bareilles. Sara Bareilles. I love Sara Bareilles. Do you listen to Gravity a lot by Sara Bareilles? No.

You don't know Sara Bareilles? No. Carolina knows Sara Bareilles. Yeah, but she sings that song all the time. No. We should go to karaoke. Don't you think? Yes.

No. I would go to karaoke with you guys. Thank you. It would be very fun. Sydney goes and she don't want to sing with us. I'll hold your hand the entire time. I'm not good at it. No one's good at it.

no some people you just have like the karaoke vibe like you go there you're enthusiastic and even though it's bad you still have the swag of somebody who's crushing it you know but that's not what it's about yeah what is it about if you go to karaoke and you crushing it you sad yeah it's like you hear what your business cards and your choreography beach this is karaoke it's about letting it out after a bad day you know that's called therapy yes well karaoke is cheaper than therapy i've never been to some people it's therapy therapy is like in a room with just one other person karaoke is with a whole group and it's not right you can get a room by yourself you can't that's therapy and that feels dark but also maybe therapy i would never do that i'm not

paying for go to therapy no you're not paying for therapy either my insurance still covered that i don't have insurance my insurance covers karaoke and you know we stand that type of insurance brand. That's that freelancer insurance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That barista insurance. Fidelis. Starbucks. Fidelis. You want Fidelis? I don't have insurance, so Fidelis is a step

up. You should get on it. It's $24 a month. And you can see the doctor where? What doctors take Fidelis? When you get hit by a car. That's about it. I'll just drag my body home. Sick insurance. Listen, if something bad happens to me, just put me in an Uber X. Don't put

me in an ambulance because I'm not paying for that. We're so not pro-ambulance It's just wrong I agree with you It's really expensive Yeah It's $1,200 And it's like

Well how far was the hospital? Five blocks Bitch What? Drag me there Literally drag me Drag me by my jean shorts Throw me on top of the

Drop me on top of like a van or something Throw me on top Right Like a Christmas tree Prop me up on the bus At the bus stop And let me bleed out Till the bus comes

let me get on your scooter what are those little rover things the lime scooter the rebel the rebel give me a rebel sis

I will open a city bank account get on a city bike before I take an ambulance blackout on a city bike trust and stop at Shake Shack before

oh yeah for medicine yeah milkshakes Sydney do you have any other questions for our platonic gays that wanna bang but ain't gon' bang

yeah this is I mean this is I haven't tapped into this level yet this is um yet you know I never I mean like you're attractive but you're