MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - “The Problematic Expert” with Jak Knight

Episode Date: May 3, 2019

Just when you thought the Unofficial Expert couldnt get any messier, Jak Knight comes in to stir it up even further. As our Problematic Expert, Jak tells us the most problematic thing hes ever said, why he defends sucking ashy dick, and then leaves us all in shock in the end when he proves just how problematic he truly is. Also, Sydnee gives updates on her new job while Marie gives updates on not having a job.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Forever Dog. Like, you have a hoodie on that says Viceland. Oh, let's talk about it. What's going on with that? Well, you know, the show got canceled. Like I said, it was gonna. You did. You kept putting that energy out there.

I mean, but the show was really, really, really bad. Can you say that? Did you? I said it while I was there. You did. You're right. They knew the show was bad. So it got canceled.

And, you know, I thought I was going to have at least five more paychecks come in. So trying to figure out what that is. uh because everybody thought we was gonna work till may right like i thought i was like oh they might not bring it back but we'll finish in a couple weeks right and i'm like oh i'm taking this trip i'm going to that place i'm going to this place and then they were like actually um that's it and how do you feel when you got that we had the lowest rated show on the lowest rated network so i feel like i should be in the guinness book of world records or something right yeah probably possibly what could you have done for it to be better what

sis i did all that i could and it was bad you attended a taping you you saw that i was putting in like a little baby effort but like you know it's like it's like you need surgery and you tell me what band-aid i could have put on it like sis you got shot it's like well you know put more band-aids no it was just you know no i saw you and i was like i i saw a couple of episodes and i was like marie's a star it's just a couple of episodes i didn't even watch a couple i watched a couple episodes because i was just like you know let me see what my friend is up to let me see what what's she doing over there and i was like ah she don't look like she want to be there it's all right though it's all right though she getting

the money yeah and i also i got to take i stole these pants from vice good for you you know here i am you know out here just back to my myself my old self my old poor stealing self no you're first of all you're not poor set it off self you're not poor and i'm sure people are in your dms you're gonna get booked i'm not worried about it i'm in a good place right now yeah like i feel like the the show was bad but the show the money was cute and i'm in a i'm in a good place yeah how are you doing you got a job now i lose a job and then you get a job like what's happening sis remember when i had a man and you were single and then i left him and then you went into a five-year relationship i know that but this is not gonna be that's not gonna happen here but yeah i have a job and it

it's weird getting up every day and you know being there and not falling asleep it's just strange um i'm glad that i have a job i'm really happy i'm very grateful are you yeah because you'll be complaining on the ground oh fuck come on now do i complain i complain about being on time because i feel like that's the hardest thing about being in new york is getting somewhere it i mean our guest was very late but he's also black so duh and he's from l.a yeah he doesn't care he was like he thought we were gonna do our podcast in a bodega so he was like oh i don't need to show up he came in here looking for the cat yeah he was like what y'all got ramen noodles here he didn't even respect us so it's fine yeah um i'm glad you have a job is that what is that my introduction

no it's not okay i'm gonna go back i'm gonna go back to sitting here quietly um i'm glad i have a job i i thought that having a job would fix some of the problems that i have what problems friend let's fix them here yeah i need to do better in my relationship uh-huh and i was just like the money coming and she just like i don't give a fuck about the money i do care about the money but it's like you still need to contribute more oh sis you're not you're not paying a light bill no i'm not carrying all the groceries in the house like what's she said i don't use the instacart that i don't take care of the cats that i i don't use the car oh so she's saying that you don't be buying no groceries right but if i'm working a day job how sis you

You've had this job for like three days. Sis, you can order the Instacart on your phone, on the train, on the way to work. No, I'm posting content. I don't have time for Instacart. You need to be off Instagram and be on the Instacart. Okay, come through, Luther. Okay, look, sis.

How do you think the food in your house gets there? I know how it gets there, Adrienne. Instacart's it. Instacart's it. oh but you you the card that is if i insert y'all can't trust me with food because if i ordered the food you're just gonna get lucky charms yes and like whole milk you're gonna get like home alone food yes doritos i'm gonna just get all i'm gonna have hawaiian punch i brought a hawaiian punch in the house and she told me to get out oh okay yeah i would have put you out too sis that is some

waiting to exhale level like betrayal right there yeah she she bought kumquats and i asked her what sorry this what is up she's one more time she bought kumquats and i said what what is a kumquat um there there's the they're the devil's fruit that's what they are they look they look like a little itty bitty orange but then when you put it in your mouth it tastes like a lemon head it's so sour wait it's not candy no no no it's fruit okay but it just it's not good let me see i don't know what where did she get these uh a kumquat they actually it looks like a tomato it's weird that's weird y'all doing weird gay things she got a cum she got kumquats and she got us a bidet and i was like babe we live in bushwick like why bushwick bidet it's like a craigslist washer dryer like

i said why are we doing this the the most we're we're here we're off the j train babe let's wait until we get into our new place yes so your booty hole is clean but your fridge is empty i don't use it you don't use the bidet no i don't want my butt the wetness that's gross oh so you just got a crunchy butt just a dry crunchy butt you got like it like you know peanut butter that has the nuts in it still like the chunks that's what your butt shut the fuck up marie you don't know what my butt is said you want to see it actually i feel like for the listeners i need to see your butt come on whip it out haitian homophobic marie just tell me this is for the this is content sis you're talking about kumquats you're being gross so like let's

I didn't take a shower this morning what does that mean don't look at me like that you didn't take a shower this morning you pooped in your dream I did not poop so you showered last night I didn't and didn't shower this morning so in there you feel like you needed to

wash your butt again in your butthole because you need to stop eating them kumquats anyway I feel like this is a great way to speaking of kumquats yeah intro our guest in this evening he is a little kumquat actually he is our problematic expert today give it up for jack knight jack what's up bitch yeah that's exactly how he would start have you ever had a kumquat i haven't when you're saying that it

was really funny you guys are fucking good talking to each other uh well we're actually friends yeah yeah but wait let me tell the listeners about jack knight um he's an incredible writer he writes on big mouth uh you know he did a little netflix quarter hour or whatever the fuck what was it quarter water it was just like it was like eight minutes of yeah nigga it was like it was just two late night sets put together yeah that's exactly what it was it was good to see you on netflix i was like look at my friend it was good it was a fucking fun time all the comics were a lot of my friends a lot of niggas bombed it was funny so what like so you've been doing comedy for how long about six years now so when you wait hold on you've been doing six years i'm six years

sure wow you're really further than uh i would like to be come on sis you got a bidet and but you're doing well yeah they were both in the same garbage ass room i think wow did you say that at forever dog forever dog i don't know i don't know nothing about the podcasting universe i might be just wrong forever dog you're on by the way by the way i want to say this about the viceland show i did watch one episode and one episode i watched when you guys had charlamagne on oh my god yeah and i and i was watching it and i was uh texting quinta about it quinta b and we're both watching at the same time and it was charlamagne was obviously in his autopilot i'm trying to make sure i sell my book mode and i was kind of like looking down on my phone i looked up and charlamagne

was like obviously going through his rehearsed shit yeah and then you go you go i don't give a fuck about no therapy that is marie i didn't say this is the best thing ever i didn't use those words but i did say that and then i thought we cut the commercial and we were still no and you just sat there like i ain't doing that shit i said i don't believe in therapy i i said i have church i'm ignorant and then they were like do you go to church and i was like no but like you know for the reason i'm here that like i fuck with that type of shit like if problematic is done right is it's the best version of comedy problematic can be entertaining but too many people do it poorly yes and it sullies it up for the people who are good at it can you explain

to our listeners what is being problematic uh are you talking yeah yeah i don't know just saying taboo things to get a rise out of people like things that are on pc yeah yeah i mean i think that it's like you know i like um scary movies it's like that type of same feeling where just like a pop in your stomach that makes you laugh and you feel like you're you're a naughty boy for laughing at it wait you said you like scary movies yeah like that same feeling you get from a scary movie or something pops and you like enjoy that yeah yeah yeah that's how i that's how i feel about like kodak black no kodak black looks he sounds how he looks and he thinks how he problematic like everything about him he he looks wrong and he sounds wrong but but like bro all of

his friends are locked up or dead so what do you mean so i have to do anything why do you think he's acting the way he's acting because he can't read and his mother don't give a damn about him this is why this is why i'd be problematic because nick because once you give everyone the what's what what's wrong with kodak they're like ah fuck him fuck him all his friends are dead all his fucking friends okay his friends are dead so he's still gonna be a trash person and say no he's sad and he's acting out because he's fucking sad but the reason why

I don't like him is because he's not talented he's incredibly talented oh wow Maria now you just don't know what you're talking about when he speaks now you just don't know

you don't even know he's literally just mumbling he's from Florida yes but like to me there are better people at making music that we should be listening to

but Kodak's on everybody's song I agree like he's not good at what everybody who can speak English properly I feel like Lil Uzi Lil Uzi

you talking about Leonard you know you think littered the better rapper i feel like i feel like megan trainer is better the stallion oh my god oh he's on megan's okay wow man your age is everybody yes beaming through listen they don't know what these kids is out here listening to this hippity hop i mean jack even though you are like it see are you trying to defend see that's problematic he's the one who was like Lauren London she got a year

to be all crying and shit but then I'm a holler no that's not what he said it's like don't even put your exactly like I wouldn't even she won't let him use her service entrance he said he wants to be as good of a man as Nipsey so he can one day

get him a wife like Lauren London that's not what that nigga that's what he said So you both just said You don't know what he's saying And now you're telling me What he's saying No you're telling me

You're telling me That you understood Yeah You're telling me You watched the video And you heard him go The whole video Not the snippet

The whole video I'm getting that one game But I'm not gonna call a boss It's like what That's what he sounds like That's not what Kodak Black said That's not what he said That's what he said

That's not what he said He didn't say that You only watched the snippet Of the clip Before that Well we saw the part Where he said She got a year

Before he tried to Put his dick in her butt That's funny Marie he did not say that I mean it's funny It's funny Literally Sure it's funny

I text that to Zach The day of Well that's cause y'all Both problem at it Y'all really are Yeah We're not stupid enough To just put it on live

He just does He just doesn't He just He puts it out there How do you record Somebody's live He What he does

Is like most rappers do They just put live on And they just live their life That's how you maintain Your followers You're saying how you just go live and... Literally, it'd be like if she'd put her phone right there and you just had your whole day.

I want to say, we should start going live for the podcast when we're recording in here. Should we? Yeah. I agree with that. Y'all skin too good to be just sound. Yes, sis, let me go live now. Now, wait, did you hear that, guys? He said, our skin too good to just be, you know, on sound. So, I feel like that's

merch, which we need. My microphone is acting up today. I don't even... How I make this tight? I don't know. well Marie knowing you I feel like everything else is tight

so it's okay if the mic is not tight you're okay but you know I got all this time since I'm unemployed now to be a hoe so this might be

the year of the hoe are you really out here hoeing or are you just capping I'm saying this might be the year that it happens I feel like Jack it's gotta be now Jack is on his way

to say something problematic to you so gear up Jack let me go ahead and go live so I can Andrew can you help me tighten this Jack what would you

what's the over under on Marie sucking dick well i'm gonna say bad i think bad too i think it's bad i think you play too much and bitches who play too much can't suck dick she'll pull your dick out hold me like what is this thing she'll pull it out and be like on the whole of the dick yeah where am i putting my phone listen i laugh during sex that's how you know i'm present the fact that somebody hasn't killed Fucking Marie is like fucking Dee Dee from Dexter, nigga.

Oh, my God. Dee Dee! Dee Dee! Yo, I freaking love Dexter's laboratory. Oh, my God. Wait. Dee Dee! Nigga, you're not really in it, because I can't get you on it.

I think it's about you, though. I mean, it's about us. It's about us, Jack. It's about you and I. Do you have any, like, words of advice for Marie and her? Words of advice. Her HODM? Okay, yeah.

I really just want you to do it. Just go. Yeah, okay. Just, like, fully. Because now you have this platform with this and with Knitting Factory. You could be getting dick every single Sunday on the Lord's Day. Yes, but I only want to get good, not. No, that's not how HODM works.

Not ashy. Yes, but see, that's why it's hard for me to get HODM. You need ashy dick. I don't want ashy dick. Ashy dick makes women great. You know what I mean? Ashy dick's been in Lauren London before she found Nipsey. Oh, my God.

See, that is problematic. Why would you say that? And then this is why I'm frustrated. This is why I'm frustrated. Yo, thank you. Wait, say what you just said again because the live is up now. Hold on.

She's been with Lil Wayne. Which is a certified ashy dick. And that nigga was molested. King of the ashy dicks. I'm just saying, there's a lot of women who only want to fuck good shea butter niggas

and then they don't know how to suck dick or take dick because they fucking shea butter niggas. You want to fuck ashy niggas to be able to be good at fucking. No. I only want shea butter penis.

I don't want ashy dick no more I'm a grown up And that's why you give head terribly Okay Now I'll be like Marie you gotta show him That you not bad at it You gotta prove to this man

You gotta lick Sid's asshole And gotta suck my dick Wait but me being a hoe I don't have to eat I don't have to lick Sidney's asshole No that was for earlier She got a bidet Yeah that is weird

You don't use your bidet She has a bidet I don't need to I don't need to But Jack I feel like You would be terrible To have sex with as well No I'm phenomenal

Zach, you seem like the type of person that when you have sex, you do wrestling moves and legit be hurt. Like you put a bitch in a head and just give her a noogie. You tap your elbow and then you land on... You'll break somebody's bed and leave. Yes. I feel like you'll... Well, yes, that part's true. No, I don't think you're...

Not breaking it from actual strokes. No, you said it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think you'll just break somebody's bed and then be like, your bed fell when you was in the shower. and then you gotta turn this off you can't always be on antics i know there's like a sensual sexual side to you marie oh wow he's trying to get you open marie this is this is how people put the gems on marie they'll be like hold on but i see something good in you ma and then they slide in your dms you'll be like i want to just take you out one night one night they're not sliding

you my dms like this i dare you to go on one date when she gets the job done that's because you got an ashy dick no nigga ashy dick bro ashy dick makes presents marie i dare you to go on a date with jack knight no sis that's what's not gonna happen find out this is a hundred percent ashy dick i dare you me and marie went on a date we'd be slap boxes in the middle of the street outside of a red lobster nigga talk about well how many biscuits you eat bitch we got seven we got seven you ate four i ate three that's stupid i didn't bring my card neither we would but we would try to dine and dash we got two people who yell on the mic this is gonna be a lot sydney you yell on the mic also actually no you got a loud voice i'm quite

reserved next to y'all wow that's good that's because you guys are trying to get me to date ashy dick dudes not date just hook up with uh i'm taking jack when you have sex with women how do you turn off this this and what women are very excited when i turn off because they think they have something special that's true so what I do is like I just I'm all antics and crazy

and I do all this shit and then when I'm one-on-one I'm like yeah you know I just do that for the people but for you man I see the shit you make in your instapot nigga

like that's not you turning it off you see what he's he makes food in the instapot and I feel like he does that for us you instapot

like a crockpot yeah yeah sometimes nigga throw all that shit in there wow you be crockpotting you don't seem like the type that would crockpot what is the appropriate way

you want me to put the shit different pots and pans and wash all that shit yeah yeah no you niggas are weird my boss nick crowe uses the instapot i use the instapot rich niggas do rich niggas shit sounds like the thing that all the white people put in front of their toilet so they could poop with their knees up instapot that's what that sounds like i feel like you don't know what anything is ever wow this is beautiful i really enjoy this is a good first date yeah this is this is exactly Sydney's here Okay so Instapot

I don't know what the hell that is It's a crock pot Yeah you can take rice You can take vegetables You can take anything Put it in a little pot Then you go cook your little meat In the grill it

Fry it Whatever the fuck What's going on What's going on This is Jack Knight Do you think guys That Marie should go on a date with him Again I'm taken

Yeah Sydney I also Sydney I too am taken By my unemployment I don't have time No one's here to date Marie we're here to get marie dick we're here to get maria wow but she's a queen okay so as somebody who's out here just slaying vagina right i'm not i'm again taken hi yeah yeah taking care of

business as somebody who's getting pussy regularly uh what can i do to up my chance of getting more dick how about that you get dick though what is this what is this conversation why are we why are we let's have a mature adult conversation we're having a conversation hold on you get dick and you're really mad about the fact about the dick that you get maybe you need to work on yourself oh you're happy with the dick that you get i'm trying to i'm trying to be a hoe so i'm trying to get more dicks oh my god in the collection of dicks just be a hoe yes but we're talking about okay you know what i don't understand am i missing something i feel like y'all are just oil and oil and water y'all are just the same we're both spinning in our chairs because we

can't he said uh stop fighting niggas yes i'm not fighting anybody i'm not free they think that you're abusing men that's why you're not getting dick you hit them too much for them to be like inside of you uh whatever yeah marisa marisa's like the type you make her come and she socks you the chest it says good game it's like what the fuck i did i had a good time uh okay let's reel this back in and back to uh problematic problematic okay uh jack i i feel like you say a lot of things in your stand-up that i'll be like you can pull it off because you are you and you you are great in in stand-up yeah but there's some things that i've i've heard you say that i'm like have you got any pushback from anything yes what what's one joke the craziest

thing you think you've ever said on stage yeah the other night at pd show yes i was there okay Sydney the listeners wasn't there I said I said it's really unfair to compare the talents of Michael Jackson and Beyonce because one of them had to deal with the looming fact that they like to fuck children and a whole table of Petey's family and I don't I think they're like Dominican where are they Haitian I don't know they're all black and older and I I wanted this long thing about how the most talented people ever usually were pedophiles and how white booty hole does a lot for black men like Tyler the Creator fucks a lot of white boys and Frank Ocean fucks white boys and michael jackson white boys is what i'm saying there's something special within the white

boy rectum that black men unlock within themselves and nobody enjoyed that there's something special within the white boy rectum and black men you said need to access it wow and our uh producer gay steve lacey another one producer hot intern andrew is like come on stephanie farland what you think black guy with dreads what is he doing now what is he doing now okay wow wait you fucked a black dude named colin right right and what is he doing professionally now software that still feels like a good job man that's a good job you see what his booty hole does for the black community your booty hole did that andrew wow i'm just saying bro is a lot of a lot of our favorite black artists who have sex with men

Marlon Brando, Richard Pryor So I'm not understanding what you're saying You're saying that in order for black men to be successful they gotta bang Nope, that's not what I'm saying at all I'm saying it's statistically proven that black men who fuck white boys end up being great

Statistically? Where are your statistics? Michael Jackson Tyler, the creator, Richard Pryor Steve Lacey, I don't know all the gay niggas it's the black dudes Frank Ocean it's other black dudes

banging white like it's ashy white dudes too it's ashy white dick yeah what what we're talking about booty hole I ain't talking about no dick

that's gay but I'm saying oh my god booty hole is not gay no that's access this episode is definitely off the rails

and I love it and this is I'm just saying you guys okay let me think of another we're trying to get other problematic jokes out of you

but you trying to like explain to us why this joke is true it's not a joke I think it's true see that's why you're really problematic because you believe

in the bullshit that you're saying everybody said mmm we're like we don't even want to dig a bigger hole than it is

the white hole that you're actually talking about I don't want to dig it deeper when is it coming out probably this week this week

okay or Friday Friday okay Wednesday they're doing like the little Comedy Central thing where they're like letting us

do like seven minutes and they put it on their shit or whatever and they make you like send in your jokes yes and one of the jokes i sent in was the the squirt joke yes and they said yes they said yes to your squirt they said

yes to the squirt joke so oh great at one point on television they're gonna let me say have you ever eaten pussy and a bitch squirt in your face and you feel like you won a nickelodeon award and that's it's a good joke very problematic it's a great joke i don't think it's problematic i don't think it's problematic either problematic is like things that you say that offend people That doesn't offend you? No. I love Nickelodeon. You won an award.

You got slimes. Yeah. What's the problem? What the problem is? That's good. You did well. Take your little green globe. You won.

Go home. Get out of my house. You won. Get out of here, crazy kid. Wild and crazy kid. Yeah. You have another joke that's... Was there one that bothered you?

Even if it's offstage. Just some shit we've done. I don't know. Because you guys, as much as you guys like to pretend you're not problematic, off the stage, you guys are maniacs. Me? Yes. I think Marie is a maniac. Marie is a maniac.

Sydney for sure is a maniac. I don't even know how we're friends. Well, no. Sydney said I'm a maniac. She don't know why we're friends. I mean. You got a lot of nurses. That's merch right there, guys.

Maniac hoodies come in spring 2020. what what what have we said jack that you've been like well it's like it's the reason why you guys work like you're a psychopath and she's a sociopath and so you just are just out loud like i don't think anybody should read and then you're just you'll call me and facetime me at two in the morning but that's because she's insane she's a sociopath she's a fucking sociopath yes i think she's terrifyingly crazy pick up every time she facetimes you at 2 a.m she's gonna say some funny crazy shit i think it's great for the most part jack picks up well one he one he's like are you okay yeah are you all right oh you'll start with oh okay yeah i told you she's in an emergency

situation she facetimes her if it if need be i'm i'm first of all i know jack got got the money on lock so i know that that big mouth money if i was needing big mouth netflix money hey jack hey and hey i need like two grand real quick vimo no i feel like you would help me out man i got light-skinned mama and light-skinned girl dog i'm broke you got a light-skinned mom he's on the record he's like i ain't got no money i can't help you but off the record i was like off the record he'll slide it to you and be like take your time with paying it back yeah like no rush on paying it back yeah oh i love that yeah uh okay so have you ever said something problematic that like got you uh dumped or you got into a fight because of it because i feel like

i i think i perfected problematic in like high school and middle school because i i've never been suspended never been expelled really never gotten detention before never got detention never got detention before really never got detention i mean even i've gotten i was always tardy always skip class those teachers had a crush on you no i would just like i would always get everyone to the line and then be able to backpedal back right before it was like okay i don't like this nigga but every time every single time i feel like you're somebody that like every day will like push that line a little bit more. Right, making the line further and further.

And you never got detention. I don't believe it. I don't believe that either. You guys my mom. You lying. Deadass. You lied to your mom and now you lying to us. You lied to your light skinned mom and now you lying to our brown skinned asses. But you're saying you, okay, so forget about school. Seriously, recently, you haven't said

anything that has gotten you in trouble with maybe a close friend or work. Being serious or being like plain? No, serious. Like I'm I've definitely seriously cussed niggas out And they didn't like me But I've never like jokingly gotten in trouble Somebody said that

Somebody said at work You will say some stuff And I'm like Now my brother Jack now Alright now I want to be on your side But you're talking crazy Who said that? I won't say

Wait this is at Big Mouth? Oh man that's funny Somebody said that they say that at Big Mouth I can see that That you've said something. No, I'm sure that you said. Because the room is like 75% gay niggas or white. And so we'll be on a roll.

And I'll be like, blah. And I'll blurt out something. And they'll be like, ooh. Yeah. But I feel like I'm sure you've said something jokingly. Because people get offended by jokes. Sometimes you're just going back and forth. And y'all are joking on each other.

And then someone says something. And you're like, legit get upset about it. You're saying that that's never happened to you. You've never made a joke that somebody was like, ooh, too soon. Yes but I know I don't get in trouble for it It's more just like Oh but that's him

Like I get to just get I'm like Stuart Little Nigga no one cares What I'm doing I've never seen Stuart Little Yeah Really We're better than that

A white mouse in a cardigan No thank you I'm not the demo for that He has a little car He don't be fucking with people I'm here for Ratatouille He was chopping shallots And washing his dirty ass rat hands

How the fuck is shallots A funny word It's a good word It's a very funny word When it comes out of Marie's mouth Shallots Shallots Marie says every word with an exclamation point

After each letter Really? You make me sound like a cartoon Yes Hey you got the connective big mouth I know There's not no black girls in that cartoon Yes there is Missy

She got a white mom Don't she? She'd be wearing Birkenstocks Marie you wear Birkenstocks Why are you lying? I love Birkenstocks You don't stay solid on anything. I love her.

You just bounce around. I just forgot. She nerdy. There's not like a black. I have a question. Jack, you're very loose with sexuality. Yeah. You talk about it a lot in your stand up.

Yeah, you're fluid. You're fluid. Like you make jokes insinuating that you would be gay, but you're not because. I'm just not. But I try shit. Okay. Okay. Well, let's talk about what you tried.

because you having a great career so if by your standards you've been touching a lot of white boy booty hole no no no because you said that like they unlock they unlock stuff for black men's your career real cute right now i'm fucking jealous i'm playing the piano right now i'm like jealous of niggas who'd be fucking white boy booty hole i'd like i'd see that that what you just said i'm like i can't believe you said that no but i'm so fucking straight and it's so gay like i hate how straight i am i wish i could like do all that gay shit because they be having fun you ever been to gay people stuff a gay people stuff

you don't even know how to what's a gay people stuff title it gay niggas be having fun bro they be doing a whole bunch of shit straight niggas but you and Zach have a lot of fun a nigga gay too yeah you guys are both pretty that nigga kissed a man on TV the checks were cute

the checks were really nice it don't matter the show nobody was watching the show but also like a lot of a lot of our fluidity comes from the fact that it's problematic and we are making fun of homophobia in the black community

by doing gay shit. Oh, so now you're a crusader for the gays. I always say that. This is an ally. I'm the Harvey Milk of this generation. I'm not going to agree

and stand by that. This is an ally, sis. I am the Harvey Milk. I disagree. Harvey Milk, Kurt Cobain, Jack Knight, Zach Fox.

Absolutely not. Jack Knight, Zach Fox. Yes. Wow. Andrew, do you agree? No. He said that you guys are allies.

Andrew thinks you're cute. That's what that is. If you were ugly and missing a tooth, he'd be like, that nigga, kill him now. Kill that nigga now. That's exactly what Andrew would say. Kill that nigga now. That's merch.

Kill that nigga now hoodie's available for the fall season coming out. We're going to have zip-ups and we're going to have short sleeves. I need a crew neck of that motherfucker right now. I need a crew neck of kill that motherfucker. But just with his face, just like kind of with the headphones on,

disgruntled yeah we need to do little emojis of him being upset in the in the studio uh well let's talk a little bit about who you are why you're this rude like are you an only child yep absolutely were you a latchkey kid yep oh wow you kind of reading me for phil i mean did you have a relationship with your dad nope nope okay okay wow and you're from what state seattle seattle i was gonna guess that wow you got a lot of it's almost like we know each other no but he doesn't seem like a seattle guy though yeah but he seems like the black friend in seattle no no it's a lot of black people in seattle yeah really we just don't go outside there's too many white people out there okay so like i don't understand how did y'all find each other jimmy hendrix is from

fucking seattle oh wow yeah but it was a different time yeah and jimmy hendrix was also looking like he didn't use conditioner in his front you know he didn't condition that mess yeah well he lived in london there's no conditioner in london i mean they barely have toothpaste yeah you it's like you have from seattle really yep but and i cannot make sense rachel dolezal is from near seattle yeah that makes sense though that checks out yeah she was hanging out with black people like you and she was like i too am black yeah i identify it's always so corny when like black people were like there's no black people in seattle or portland it's like nigga just go other places it's where it's not it's not a saying that there's none it's a saying we don't see it

in seattle yeah not black folks but niggas yeah there's niggas everywhere right but it's fascinating you guys think we're from nigga drake is from canada okay canada that's way harder to understand than like seattle or portland no no because canada has a bunch of haitians yeah i know it's toronto so how did the haitians get there what are you talking about how did the haitians get to canada yeah they speak french up there so the haitians went up there I don't know why there's black people in Seattle Siri that was that was one of the boy oh boy

boy oh boy I see why it was cancelled oh my god it's cancelled because we don't understand I'm saying that if there's people in Canada and they went all the way from Haiti all the way up to Canada you don't think niggas stopped in Seattle you don't think niggas stopped in a port city no Seattle is not on the

way that's why I'm confused it's not on the way from where my people come from Haiti yes Seattle's not on the way no not directly marie i'm gonna go do my show jesus you have a show yeah the show how's the nerve of you have a show and be here late and be here late the audacity the audacity negocity the negocity of you this is some seattle nigga behavior right here you don't even know what seattle niggas are like they're like this i will say i will say one thing i'm turning my fucking chair i will say this and uh that you surround yourself around people who um challenge you but

also accept you yeah you know you hang out with langston kerman uh mr non-problematic himself the king of uh light skins i love he was on this podcast and he really tried to go toe for toe with us i mean we were trying to roast him and he was trying to come back he was our light skin expert yeah well he's a light skin expert yeah because he beige yeah i mean it wasn't hate light skin people well oh that's why is that on the record he hates light skin people his girlfriend light skin he loves he loves her he don't like her his fiancee yeah they don't be kicking it like that hilarious wow she be at work he be with me i don't know hilarious i don't know how she allows him to be with you half the time she loves me she loves problematic shit really you know what it is

i think you're you get away with it the best i think you get away with it so well because you're like you like have a cute face that's all it is because you got like a cute little boy face that's all it is remember when you said you went to montreal you were a jfl and and jack and kevin iso were that nigga's ashy we're roasting if we're if you want an ashy nigga expert bring on that nigga whole thing is ash ash you were roasting some guy who looked like the kfc colonel no it was the six flags man the six flags man okay the old guy with sam and clayton everybody everybody that was crazy you were roasted and then he was the owner of like one of the biggest comedy clubs in boston now he won't let me do the club

oh see okay so there you go problematic no no no i just have to talk to him he wants me to apologize because of that well like everybody was shooting but then i said that i said wow i said he looked like a slave master for a bunch of silly slaves oh my god see that's the stuff that you say that i'm like jack what's wrong with you but shoot niggas doing cartwheels it was they went for so long they roasted him for and they were like running with their laughter they were like like they were it was hilarious

and he stood there in a white suit with his white hair just Colonel Sanders he did have a stupid hat I don't know

if there was a hat but in my mind I feel like there was a hat no but it was like one of those roses where you know he had nothing and he just like

he stopped he didn't even understand what we were saying anymore cause you guys were probably screaming that's the beginning like if his his life was a show

it'd be like it would start at that moment it was it will pause and it'd be like record scratch hey that's me i bet you're asking how i got here and then he like takes the camera and puts it up he's like because of that nigga over there yeah and it's just iso wait but i have a question this nigga iso's teeth just came out of concrete bro i can't stand this wait till he get his veneers money together i don't think he is i think he's gonna keep his teeth like that he's trying to yeah he's trying to be he's on daniel

caesar yeah he's like i don't need good teeth i'm funny no it's like yeah you don't need good teeth to be funny but you need some proper teeth to get some ass yeah i will say that i think i got a collage of teeth it's like they just placed them where they thought they fit they just got they just took a whole bunch of teeth from a whole bunch of people and put it in his mouth well the teeth actually look like he said he got a ransom note there's about 15 people looking for their tooth and they all like kevin's mouth oh my gosh put solutions on its skin this nigga kevin got a whole bunch of bodies underneath his bed jack how do you how do you feel about roasts i feel like roasts are problematic i don't like

i don't like like set up roasts like i come there i mean i would support everybody on my friends but it's like i don't like doing it because it feels too like formulaic and kind of corny and mean like it's like it's against what rosen really kind of is it's more just like jabbing at your friends yeah if like wrote like set up rose like your mom died in 06 and that's why you're dumb and it's like jesus fucking christ bro baby oh somebody said turn it sideways it changed the whole game wow sideways well let me see if we can get sydney in it sideways all right um okay but more importantly you guys are both beautiful and amazing and at the end of the broad city episode where you both walked out okay i genuinely cried really that shit was fucking fire i enjoyed that

a lot i'm glad that you i didn't i didn't know what's happening no one told me what's happening i didn't even like it was one of those things i was just watching the episode like i just i didn't look at twitter i didn't see you guys post about it so i was just like watching the fucking episode i saw you i was like who the fuck is that what the fuck is that that's great yeah jordan temple hit me up and will my fucking mind and they were like this is so great but it was also like perfect it was also like the right decision to make

it would it was like you know you guys getting it and then also being on Broad City it was like

oh yeah this is yes exactly perfect you know it's another great decision

leaving on time you talking to Nick Kroll and you know helping the community out fucking thirsty ass he said you gotta

put your finger in Nick Kroll's butt oh y'all better hurry up them pin 15 girls is running amok are you really leaving right now

wow our please get him on the ground i can't believe he just left honestly this is uh the weirdest podcast episode we've ever recorded that was really rude and also on brand of jack knight problematic i'm switching microphones because this one is it got lip dick syndrome yeah well now that he left i guess we could just keep it going and just chat some more? Do we

need to close this door? I don't think that we still need to be on this live, do we? No. It's like 12 people watching right now. Bye, friends! We love you. Nah, we don't really love them that much. I need to charge my phone. Okay, well, that was a problematic-ass episode. That really was.

For sure. Jack gave us everything and then nothing at all. He gave nothing, but it was still very on-brand for him. I don't believe that he's never gotten in trouble for the stuff that he said i think that people like jack don't know that they fuck up stuff or that they're getting in trouble because people are too scared to let them know hey man that wasn't cool uh-uh you gotta tell people you have to tell people when

they do something wrong regularly like someone like jack you can tell him that he did something wrong he's strong he's gonna fake apologize or maybe he will do you think that he apologizes to people um yeah and yeah no i mean i've seen him do some stuff and i was like hey man that's i don't think that was really smart or cool okay but i'm also a nigga that's not really working that much so he's probably i'm not listening to you you take uber pools i'm not i don't care about what the hell you're saying this is weird friend i don't i um yeah i mean i i see him doing that also but like still you should be telling people when they mess up um marie are you that type of person that tells people when they mess up yeah i feel like you should like i don't think you

gotta be weird about it like you don't have to be mean about it like okay i was on the train today on the way here there was a lady with a baby or like a toddler the toddler was sleeping on her and i heard her go michelle we're gonna we're gonna get off the train in the next stop time to wake up and i was like my mother would never wake me up like that yeah she'd be like yeah but she would like shake me up and then i'd have to like wake up and go but like maybe there's a there's a different way to do everything you don't have to be mean all the time you could gently tell them somebody that they messed up or that they're trash or that they're problematic i feel like you're you're working on that marie i feel like you are i mean you i mean it just

happened on a train sis and i just you know i just had the epiphany you come a long way i feel like you you tell people when they they need to be told but i also feel like you don't feel like telling people about themselves sometimes because it's a lot of work that's true yeah sometimes you just you you can't be bothered because you like you won't tell them that they did something wrong and they're not gonna change do you feel like that with me sometimes uh do we have an ad or something that go right here we got commercial for this we got some uh what would be the scent bird or something to talk about marie what i'm asking i don't remember the question the question is i forgot the question okay see i don't remember that see we i don't oh andrew yeah andrew son of

a bitch oh i didn't ask that but are you gonna be nicer uh probably not it's probably gonna be the same yeah it's gonna be the same amount of mean it's just gonna be like a slower to be mean i think maybe i'm gonna take my time with it i have time now you know realize today that there's different ways of doing things no the way that the woman woke this little girl up i was like oh wow she like eased her out of waking up waking up like you know she instead of being abrupt instead of being like girl we gotta go come on like and i was like wow yeah there's different ways do you feel like you're the person that come on girl let's go yeah for sure but also i was the kid that was come on girl let's go you know yeah so like i we know people do stuff different so maybe

marie therapy might be therapy since i could just keep taking the train what do you mean therapy i could just keep taking the train and learning life's lessons i mean you're the you said that you're the girl that you're the kid that would be like come on let's go you gotta get up and abruptly wake you up and maybe that's why you're so abrupt right now wow okay so we're having a breakthrough right now so maybe we need to work through this wow maybe but like I feel like I'm fine right are you Marie

don't be putting that uh I don't even know what you're putting in my head don't be wishing this on me I feel like I'm in a good place right now I feel like you are I'm in a good place you're not gonna steal my joy friend

can you explain to the listeners why you're in a good place yeah well I'm a little bit high and uh i had this job that lasted for i don't know two and a half months and um it was a bad show but like i got paid for it and i got paid well for it and you know i feel like i'm in this place where it's like well i've booked a show it was not a good show but like i'll book another one Yes, yes. I don't know how soon or how far away that is.

Yes, but once you open that doors to be like, oh, I can get, I can get a fucking show. Right. Then it doesn't feel as much pressure. Right, I'm gonna be like a tone bell. Oh, wow. I'm just, that's the name that comes to mind, sis. Wow.

Because he's been on a lot of TV shows and they just keep getting canceled. But I'm like, if they're on for long enough and he's making a decent amount of money, then like he's probably fine with all his shows getting cancelled he's in a movie now he's in Little

with Issa Rae and Regina Hall and we're tone bell adjacent if you guys don't know adjacent? a degree of separation from? I mean I was on a show with him and I bombed honestly I'm closer to tone than you think honestly sis like right there? it was literally right after

Little premiered I saw him on a show I bombed wow and you know what he said it was like it was good seeing you the bomb was silent it was good seeing you it was good to see you i was like wow yeah it was really bad he's in but he's in a good he's in a good place what he got to be mad or like bitter or like ha ha he he and add people for like he's making money and he likes it and he has all his teeth he's fine yeah so you know that that's why i'm talking the way i'm talking and if we see our friend jack knight who's problematic as f and he's booking all

these things and he's funny i mean when you're good what you do you're you know people are gonna look for you people looking for you people looking for him what are you people will look for me too wait we're not looking at y'all here check your other inbox on facebook yeah you know what i was i will say this that in the we've been doing it for two years now the podcast yeah yeah two years yo we used to do this in a fucking somebody else's apartment yeah that's how messy and the sound was fucked up yeah we were we wouldn't we would like not have the microphones turned on we would just be shouting at my laptop yes we did and we've come so far but i feel like kind of the same our guests just left in the middle of the episode i said wow we are so relatable

we're so real this is why people listen to us and i was live for you know most of that episode yeah and it's just like wow marie we're really doing this this podcast and stuff this is who we are now booking things canceling things getting fired getting hired i mean honestly sydney i don't know when it's gonna happen but we're gonna reach a point where we like laugh about this stuff you know like we're kind of like fake laughing about it now but like what like phoebe was Overseas interviewing Michelle Obama For Michelle's book That started with a podcast sis

Okay And so coming back to that It really starts with you guys It starts with the listeners If you guys want us to interview Michelle Obama It's really about y'all And I want to talk to Michelle while she's wearing A $9,000 Balenciaga boot

So if y'all want to Help me see my And you know I'm unemployed so I need this It's really about the engagement and uh you know i don't really know how many of you guys are listening but i feel like i need to hear it more i need to i see it you know i see y'all in dms but it's not the dms i want to see no sis you know make it a real post yes make it official put it on the page tweet about it i need y'all to go to that patreon i need you to pay that five dollars okay what else sis i need

I need you to sign up. I need you to review, rate. I need you to go out, hit the streets with your clipboard and sign people up for the unofficialexpert.com mailing list. You know, and also, now that we're just opening the door right now, what would you like to hear more of? Okay, yeah. What can make us a better podcast? How can we thrive? Yeah, so that we can promote this shit more.

You know? no I don't think that's the right question I think the right question is what you said first like what do you guys want to hear from us who do you want to talk to I mean we have been getting some feedback and somebody was like I feel like I had to take a break from the podcast because it wasn't

as funny and it's like sis you tweeted that to us yeah that could have been a DM if you got any negative things please don't put it out for other people to see because that's just wrong sis you could have slid in there quietly

you could have just yeah you could have told us you could have sent it in invisible ink sis you messed up yeah but we want that we need that feedback slide in our inboxes and tell us what you like and don't just be like you know I just like how funny you guys

are just tell us what you like that you enjoy we need some specifics yes baby you tagging us and saying yes queens is not really helping you know you saying yes queen and tagging us means we know that you saw the Broad City episode okay yes that is true okay but I would like you know

some of the lines that we say if you want to make it merch we really need merch Marie make it merch yeah the maniac hoodies they cunt cunt and gaunt and maniac cunt gaunt maniac and make it merch that's literally

I like what you said earlier today that's merch this is too good to just be audio yeah oh what Jack say our skin looks too good for it to just be audio or something like that the skin is too good for it to just be audio the skin is great at this hour

at dusk the skin looks great the sun is just like touching the top of the trees we look great this is I mean with more money we get the better we will look it's less about what we look like

though sis it's like how do you feel okay wow do you hear marie samuel faustin guys wow if you if you would have asked marie this two years ago i don't think i would have got this response it's how do you feel inside that's somebody who got money it's not about how you look it's how you feel no it's that's somebody who has got a corporate card on them okay sis sis sister and you know i got fired and i'm still using this corporate card i'm still using the cad um i don't know what you just showed me what yeah i gotta go i can't believe we had to piece this little uh frankenstein episode together

like this it really was a frankenstein but i feel like you know things happen you should follow jack on instagram no don't follow him just like go to his page and like leave a comment just just leave the words unofficial expert and then go don't follow him just under his most recent photo just comment unofficial expert and then go oh like like the hive or something like that like how they leave the bees the unofficial expert hive yeah can you do that yeah just hashtag you well which emoji should be ours because Beyonce has the bee Azalea Banks has like the mermaid or we should have palm trees because we're shady no we should oh we should do that we're pretty shady yeah but is there another I want to use like an emoji that like

maybe like people don't use as much like what's a you know what i mean like what's one that like you maybe never even touched let's look let's look they got a squid we could be that they have a spider web you could maybe be that i see uh a peacock oh really the peacock anybody everybody they've got a snowman i don't think it's broccoli there's mcdonald's fries i really think we should be palm trees because we see a bento box okay well maybe we should be i see a canoe okay now there's a there's a palm tree that's the island emoji yeah i think that's that's us we're easy breezy shady easy breezy beautiful and shady shady queens shady queens that's what we are that's gonna be our our our baby podcast shady queens no our baby podcast yeah girl i don't know

what you're saying i don't know it's been it's been a long day i went to work and uh and then you came here to do the podcast i came well no i did another podcast before i came here we are literally we are working even though we're not working right girl and then i'm on the way to another podcast yeah you got the time so it's just like stop in you gotta be cool you gotta be just promote why is there uh sydney i hope you have a fabulous rest of your weekend i hope you have a good week oh yes uh there's something that i would like to promote yes go ahead friend um i would like to promote that we do the knitting factory every sunday at 9 p.m uh we have a birthday show for our favorite amina amani yes it's gonna be in the back room baby it will be

five dollars we will be charging there will be tickets so please come to that please come to that on the 19th of may wow may sunday 19th 9 p.m yeah wow you guys are so blessed and again honestly our friend is unemployed but we love her marie is doing fine she's okay you don't have to hit her up and be like you good sis oh please don't hit me with you good i know what are you good means and i don't need it i don't need that type of negativity in my dm you good i know what I know what that means. Yeah, it's shady. It's shady.

You don't really care if I'm good. You're like, oh, I heard you got fired. Yeah. Share your sadness with me. That's what a you good means. Yeah. And it's like, no, I'm good. Actually.

You good is the equivalent to sending somebody a, call me when you get home, text. Marie, we never had that party. What party? The you got a job party. Well, I don't have a job. No more friends. Can we still go to Nobu?

Wow. Oh, my God. Sydney wants to go to no book we need to check the Patreon balance I'm going to talk to the treasurer of the unfit to expert which is me it's true Marie has all the fucking Patreon money

I'm like Mr. Burns excellent Sydney that makes you Smithers sis I am Smithers Smithers was a little bit gay since you were in love with me I was like Mr. Burns please sir excellent

Andrew you don't think that Smithers was gay oh they were absolutely he was full gay full on I love him and that's me Smithers

and if I have to flirt to get money with you I'll do it he was jacked too oh yeah we saw him without a shirt

at Pride yeah you know what if you can find an emoji that looks like Smithers the unofficial expert matter of fact we should be our emoji should be cats

cause cats give no damn yeah that's true the one that's walking with his tail up in your face yeah so if you guys can one tell us what emoji we should be for the unofficial expert right and then

two tell us would you like to hear more of or what would you like to hear on the podcast yeah and three you know review and comment and subscribe and do all the other shit okay so you have four things to do okay first go to Jack's page yes and

well first tell us what emoji we should get. Yes and then whatever that is leave it on the page. Leave a bunch of them under Zach's most recent post Jack Fox Jack Knight Do we need to get his name right considering he left? Yeah he left

so yeah go do that and then under this post for this episode tell us what you want to hear more of tell us what our emoji should be and then rate, comment, subscribe and if you see Sydney on the stream, you know, just Venmo her three rounds. Yeah, that would be nice. It's

Sydney Dash Washington. But they're like, sis, you got a job now. Yeah, they're like, Hennessy, we'll send it to Marie. Thank you so much. We'll hear you guys on the Patreon when we name more names. Yes. Bye, guys. Bye. Forever Dog. This has been a

Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit Forever Dog Podcasts And subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.