MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - "The Reformed Hoe Expert" with Devon Walker

Episode Date: September 13, 2019

We have our finest dressed straight man ever on the pod this week, Devon Walker, as our Reformed Hoe Expert! Hes talking which STDs hes contracted, when it was time to hang up the hoe cloak, and we get to the bottom of what exactly his type is. Plus, Sydnee talks getting pregnant and Marie talks having multiple rounds of sex.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

uh hello hello hey friend we here pull over that ass too fat pull over that ass too fat and my ass is getting fat it is pull over sis and it's crazy because i'm not really eating okay that's a weird brag i'm not i mean my appetite has been strange oh what that means i don't know are you with child i am not you know that I would have to do so much extra leg work just to get something like that inside of me nah you don't need to do no leg work

you could lay on your back baby no honey I gotta get that turkey baster would you do that would you get if you wanted to have a baby would you go to like a friend to do it or would you go to like a bank a little sperm

I don't have any male friends that I'm like I need that background check I need to know what's going on because you don't tell me everything. This is true. And then I'm going to see the consistency of your stuff and it's like, I don't trust you. No.

And then I'm like, throw it away. It's already been like a little dish. It's not going to be like in your fingers. Yeah, but I'm going to see it. What's going to be in the consistency? You can tell a lot by a man by the way his jizz comes out. Okay, so what are we grading it on? The wateriness of it?

It got to be thick to be good or is thick means bad? Like, what are we saying? Whenever I've gotten pregnant. every time that i've ever been pregnant the jizz has been thin thick middle ah something in the middle i mean sydney i don't even know what we're talking but whenever it's been like you know thicker we start diet is terrible nigga ain't got no job it's just like there's a lack of fiber yeah and a lack of finance the sperm just coming out like oh we just yawning The sperm ashy

Just crusty Anybody got a dollar I could borrow That's how the sperm comes out Excuse me ladies and gentlemen They doing show time Show time on my back Air mattress dick I see it, gross

Disgust Speaking of dick, that's kind of what I was an expert in this week Is just knowing when it was enough I had a male, a gentleman call her I had a lover come see me Because that was like right around the time I was ready to change my sheets. So I was like, oh, he can come over. And this guy came over and it was fun.

You know, we have a good time. But he's one of these people that's all about rounds. You know, like I thought we both finished. You know, we had a good time. Hours had passed, you know. Like think a montage of like a camera, a clock going really fast. Think about that. And he was like, all right, you ready?

I was like, ready to go to sleep. and he was because I literally had napped for maybe 15 20 minutes and he was like you ready and I was like four and he's like round three and I was like ah you have to go home you have to leave you have to go and he was like what and he's like what do you mean and I was like he was like what time is it I was like Alexa what time is it she said 4 30 I said you have to leave I'm not doing this with you into the morning yeah it's already the morning yeah and he still didn't leave my house until six o'clock in the morning you got another you got another round in i mean you know he was already yeah yeah did he change it off for like the i mean it was listen it was a lot

was happening in all the rounds you know just to know that i i was fulfilled you know and i gotta change my i changed my sheet yesterday so yeah it's fine but i made him leave i had he had to leave good because i was done i got what i needed he don't pay rent to be doing rounds right you He was like, well, let me tell you, if you want to get rounds in, I'm going to need you to put some money on this rent. At least electricity. Sis, you sound crazy right now. You sound like an old black aunt. I don't give a fuck.

You sound like a pimp. Let me tell you, every aunt I know, the bills is paid. The water is on. Sydney, my bills are paid and the water is on. Yeah, yeah. But you know what? But I'll do that. You know what?

you would have no problem doing more rounds if nigga was at least bringing in a sandwich and what not well I was like well what are you about to do he was like oh I'm probably gonna go home and make some breakfast I was like you can make me breakfast he was like you just kick me out and I was like yeah also I got a roommate you can't be butt naked in my kitchen

making pancakes she also gonna want to eat he should have brought the food with him he should have had some groceries over he should have hit up Trader Joe's got them little thin pizzas with a little ham and cheese on it What's the delivery service that sends groceries to you? Instacart.

He should have Instacarted some food. Yeah. Absolutely. For rounds? Absolutely. Round three, I'm hungry now. Mm-hmm. And food.

There you go. What were you an expert in this week, friend? Mine's just not as exciting as yours. It's about telling Uber drivers about themselves. Just letting them know, like, I'm sorry. I know this is a service, and you think that you're doing me a favor, but your car literally smells like doodle. Yeah, but when that happens,

I rolled the window down. I had my head out of the fucking car. Like a dog? That's how bad it was. And I was like, sir, I don't know who was here before me. I don't know if it's you, but this is just unbearable. What did it smell like? Feet?

Did it smell like corn chips? No, it smelled like open ass. Like an ass that's been in a summer day. In a pair of tight denims. Shorts. Just, it stinks so bad. And my nose, the hairs literally left my nostrils and was like, girl, you can get home, but we're going to walk. That's how bad it smelled in there.

So do you think it was him? I don't know. But I was just like, sir, you don't have that little tree with the scent or anything like that. Like, what is this? Listen, a good Uber driver has like six of them little trees in their car. Right. A bunch of them on the little rear view thing. And then they have the twisty top.

Renews it or whatever. You know what I'm talking about? I feel like they're overcompensating at that point. Yeah, no, I need all of that. Okay. Because I don't want to smell butt for $12. No, it was more than $12, this ride. And it just was like, sir, how are you sitting in it?

And when I got in the car, the windows was rolled all the way up. Every single window was up. And there was no AC on. He was trying to hotbox y'all. Oh, my God. Sis, you step into his office. Hotboxing the funk. That's his studio, sis.

That's his office. It was, oh, funk defied. It was too funky in there. And I was like, I'm sorry. I'm not asking for a lot. I'm asking for this to be a ride that it's just manageable. And it was not. And the guy was just like, I don't know what you're talking about.

And it was like, sir, does your nose not work? Well, that's, you know how scent works. Once you get used to a scent, you don't smell it anymore. no matter how bad the smell is but if you try to fight smelling it you're always gonna smell it

isn't that that's how scent works it was a 20 minute ride the funk did not leave well that's cause you kept trying to hold your breath I took my clothes off and burned them

ah that's how bad it smelled I knew that the smell was seeping into my fucking scalp that's how this got and I told him I said you're getting

one star I just want you to know this is not sanitary I don't know if there's buns underneath your your seats buns buns ass straight up ass in the seat pork buns buns buns assholes people's bodies was underneath his seat yeah well what kind of car if somebody took a shit i don't know it was gross

and i told him because usually i just hold it in and i'm like oh you know maybe he's having a crazy day but i said sir sir this is gross i was like do you not smell that he's like what he's been in that funky car all day. Of course he doesn't smell it. And the person next to me was like, do you smell what the Rock is cooking?

I was like, this is not funny. This is serious. That means it was the person sitting next to you that smelled that. No. They're like,

do you smell the bodies in my duffel bag? That's what they were saying. I'm tired of you natural deodorant people. I'm tired of you people who don't feel like taking a shower

like only every other three days. You're fucking disgusting. Every other three days. every other three days on three days off yeah it's gotta be it's like oh you you ran around in the streets you smell like the fucking streets and now you're in an uber pool fucking our car up it's our car and then if the if the driver smells on top of that and then you got nerves there's a lot of anger to have like what is that a beef patty with cheese that you have on you i'm hungry since this is my lunch since i'm on lunch i do lyft uber via and juno i don't have time to step

out and eat something a sizzling fajita platter would be nice but all i got time for is this beef who wants to eat with that type of smell all up and through the smell is what makes the food taste better speaking of food tasting better speaking of somebody smelling delicious our guest today smells like he worked a nine to five okay maybe perhaps i hope so he was late to the podcast yeah I hope it was work related I was a little bit late I was like a tiny bit late Don't speak until spoken to

Don't speak Let's intro you in Come on let's Don't slide it in there You got your corduroy jacket on You feeling fresh We are unprepared for you Hold on now

You looking all cute and what not But hold your horses Marie bring him on in Sidney's in a mood today baby I am He's a super funny comedian We freaking love him He's dressed impeccably

For the podcast today I mean our finest dressed straight man that we've had in a while the last one I think had on sweatshorts you can catch him on Comedy Central he's got a monthly show called Dads at the Jane Hotel give it up for our reformed

hoe expert Devin Walker hey Devin don't come in here all coy now be hot like you were before well it's good y'all was acting like I was extra late I was a little bit late you were only acting that way because I gotta leave like I gotta hard out

You weren't 20 minutes late You said 20 minutes late I feel like that's like a good comedian late Not here I'm sorry you usually do Podcasts at people's dusty ass studios Apartments this is a real studio We gotta pay for time

No we don't We actually don't even know how this works I just get my little check And be like is this how much we worked Wait who is your other best dressed Straight male comedian Oh, no. I said you are the best straight male comedian dressed that we've had on the podcast.

So far. Wow. We don't usually have straight men on the podcast. Yeah, we don't really do that. That's not really our brand. So I'm doubly. Well, I guess. No, I'm honored.

Thank you. You should be. No, I appreciate your honor. We would have printed out certificates, but I don't have a printer. So and this one ain't got no ink. So let's give everybody listening the visual of you head to toe. You are giving us. Let me see your shoes.

Your sneakers. Devin is wearing sneakers that a black man that dates white women wear. That's what he's got on. No. Yes. No. You've never dated a white woman? Of course I have.

But that's not what these sneakers are. What are the sneakers are? These sneakers, everybody got these. These are New York City sneakers. These are Air Max 97s. Okay. But they're very dirty. They dirty right now, you know?

But it's like, it's been, I had them for a minute. You know, they're going to get clean. He said they vintage, sis. Hush. No. Are you wearing a dress pant? Very nice pants. He's wearing a, it looks like.

Yeah, it's like a unique glow. Right, like an athleisure-y. Like a cropped trouser. A cropped trouser. Let's go on up to the top. Now your hair looks so good It's very moisturized I thought y'all was about to roast me

As soon as you got up there I was like okay Cause she skipped the corduroy jacket Which is really the biggest But I just want the people to know Without the jacket you are still a man A hot one Thank you for saying that Devin how tall are you?

I'm 6 foot 3 That's my step That's my step Baby okay so devin you are a reformed hoe expert tell people what a hoe means to you right because it's a different definition for most people for me i have like real like hoe phases for me it's like it's like a let's say like a three month stretch where i'll like really really be out there oh so it's like three months i mean i feel like you want to own a whole period right

now right how long don't talk about her business we talk about you why are you trying to bring her into it he said you call me on an off month right right right yeah i'm chilling right now yeah but i'm just saying to you what is the word ho mean because some people think this this this means being a hoe but other people think no that's just you know i'm just out here i think to me being a hoe means having let's say at least three people that you're sleeping with like on a regular basis ah okay so then i'm not a hoe i only have two you were only one when you were abroad yes eat pray hoe yeah right yeah sure and i've had a couple like real hoe phases like in my life it's like two main ones and one of them like i just came out of like earlier this year okay so so can you

just talk to us a little bit about like your dating history because you're cute and tall now but were you attractive as a kid did you have a lot of girlfriends well he used to live in you're from texas right yeah i'm from texas and i i saw your pictures you know when you were there yeah And, you know, you were there. What you saying? You were there. I feel like you lost weight, right? Probably.

You were bigger. Probably, yeah. Ooh, Sidney said you big. No. She said, I'm a big, I'm a thick man. I'm just like a- Ooh, he got hips. His hips don't like this.

Shakita, Shakita. Your boy's pulling in at a smooth, you know, 6'3", 230. 230? I'm a big, I'm a big. 230. Andrew, how much you weigh? I weigh like 140. Andrew I weigh 130

What are you saying What do you Murray where is 130 I weigh 125 pounds That's surprising It's gotta be the abs Muscle weighs more than fat

You look like about a 113 Well that's not what I am I'm 120 so Okay Well and Sydney has Bigger butt than me Yeah But muscle weighs more than fat

But you're strong Let's talk about it Andrew 140 pounds I know we're in the same height Almost Yeah I'm 6'2 You're 6'3

Yeah But he's still got like 100 pounds on you Being emotionally unavailable weighs more, so that's great. I think that's a big part of my weight. I think that's probably what differentiates me and Andrew. It's just being

emotionally unavailable. I love that. Really does? Because I feel like you're like a John B type. What is that? Don't think about what people say they don't know about about you and me. I'm trying to figure it out. I feel like since moving here I've been

I've been unavailable do I need to be closer like this yeah people want to hear your power after hour voice that is I am this is not how I usually

talk I'm doing a smoother voice than how I usually talk I see you putting it on thick and that's fine yeah your dimples are popping out you got dimples stop

yeah Marie he trying to be in the whole station no I don't date comedians yeah but you hear that she said she doesn't date comedians

but he's a comedian she was but she could have been like I don't date ugly people I mean yeah I'm doing the lock

comedians are unattractive to me so by default you know what you know what like during my peak like during my new york ho phase i remember you remember we did that show with rami uh at union hall yeah and one time it was a bunch of us gary was over there like it was a bunch of us chilling and i asked about you twice i haven't you asked about me i did what did you say i did i asked about you i asked about you to two different people i was gonna bring this other part up yeah yeah bring it up now no this is great okay thank you this is messy and i love it it's not messy i'm so curious what did you say basically we were talking about i think we were talking about like uh like like like if we have

like a type that we like gravitate yeah yeah yeah he was like i like a mean is marie here and i think marie's and cindy brought marie's name up no no no no no oh was it did i just do it out the blue okay yeah then in that case in that case don't do that i didn't remember this was like i don't this like january february something like that okay and at this point i was like i was like what about marie she got a type and cindy goes not comedian not comedians that's my friend nigga that's my friend i'm aggressive but that is true no that's true i haven't i haven't hooked up with any comedians here in new york but you have before is that your final answer it is no that's that's true

well we have a receipt we have a transaction from somebody somebody slid these screenshots you were gonna be on the pod telling your business and they were like well i rebuke they no I got I've not I've not had sex with one comedian in New York City how would you want

to have sex with a comedian at all people do it all the time because they don't care about their career it's not about me I mean most of the people

that were okay well I'm just yeah well you've never done it no you've never done it I will not do it

I mean it's for the best you also you started here too yeah which I feel like that's the move it's like taking a dump at work

well your girl didn't shit all over the place it's on the walls girl I didn't shit I didn't shit and then had a poo poo platter

right after you gotta put that you make you a thing of poo pourri you gotta put that maintenance sign on you know like you know sometimes

when somebody do a real bad shit they just gotta put a sign up in front just being like we gotta cut this off it clogged her up she's messy

she's with women now yeah thanks Marie you're such a great friend thanks so wait you were in you were in Texas

I was in Texas Were you in Austin? Yeah, I was in Austin. Were you in Texas dating a lot of people? Different times. So, like, I was real. So, you asked, like, what I was like when I was young. Yeah, yeah.

When I was young, nothing. Apparently, according to Sydney, you were kind of fat. Apparently. Apparently. I mean, that is, right, Andrew? It's so rude. She said you were big. She's also not backing off it either.

She's also, she's not like, oh, no, Devin, like, you, she's like, no, you were fat. No, she said you was big. She's like, no, go ahead and own that. Look, look at her face right now. Listen, Sydney said. Seven, I gave you so many compliments. You did. You did.

I basically threw myself at you. I mean, you should have seen what she did with your doye. Who she throw herself at more, me or your doye? I mean, she tried to kiss your doye. She hasn't tried to kiss you. You tried to kiss your doye? I was in a relapse. I was blackout.

I didn't even know what country I was in. How many years ago was this? Two years ago. Oh, okay. So that was not that long. I thought it was like back then. Well, I just found out about it like a month ago. So that's why I'm bringing it up now.

Your doye. I can see it. I get it. He tall. That's all that matters to me. I have standards, you know. I mean, that's your standard. No, it's actually not.

I was going through something. I don't know what your male standard is. I know about the kind of women you like. Really? What do you know about the kind of women she like? What do you look like? Oh, that's what we're going to do here? That's fine.

We can talk about my background. Yes. Okay, so when did you lose your virginity? let's just do that yeah let's talk about that uh i was i was 18 wow okay yeah i was 18 i was real why are you saying wow i feel like that's normal no uh i lost mine on my 18th birthday i i'd like yeah i'd like just turned 18 yeah 18 for like a few weeks that's what people who got their parents in their life yeah that's that's a mother and father household okay they still together yeah no oh mine are still together actually no my parents split up when i was like 16

ah okay so you know but i got like you know i got the important years out yeah yeah the childhood year they both came to graduation exactly they used to go to the parent-teacher conferences together you know even after they split anyway yeah anyway wow yeah i was i was scared i was scared of girls like growing up i was very like i was nervous about rejection i was very like worried about like well i mean isn't megan the stallion from texas she's from houston i mean is that where you're from no i'm from austin what's the difference between austin and houston Houston's way better city Way bigger city

I feel Houston is where All the attractive Bearded black folks are And the Megan Thee Stallions And then I feel like Austin is where like The white people Who like music live

You're not wrong You're not wrong about that But it's like Austin Austin has a lot of like Black and brown people But they all got pushed out They all got pushed out

Because that's the new Williamsburg Exactly That's what it is Exactly Austin is like Williamsburg Austin right now Is like Williamsburg What I imagine it was

Like 10 years ago Right That's what Austin is now You start at the beginnings of gentrification. Exactly. But like when I was a kid, like, so I grew up in a suburb and whenever I was like eight or nine, my dad was worried. He was like, it ain't that many black people in the neighborhood.

I'm concerned. So then he put me like in like the, like the east side used to be where all the black and brown people were. So every summer I would go to summer camp on the east side. Look at your dad. Yeah. That's very hot of him. What's your dad's name?

Reggie. You say Reggie! Classic black dad name. He sound thick. My dad's skinny. Oh. I bet you met a skinny Reggie. I feel like a skinny.

Yeah. We only know chubby Reggie's Shout out to Reggie Conquest Lost that weight Then gained that weight You better do it baby I'm here for you Sis

Shout out Reg Reg Thomas Y'all know Reg Thomas? Reg Thomas also a little chubby man? Yeah Humpty Dumpty Yeah my dad skinny as hell though I get my mom the thick side of the family

Oh Okay But your dad can like grill Like meats and stuff You know it You can't be named Reggie And not be able to grill Right

Also you from Texas? Exactly And you can't grill? Yeah Come on Reg Come on you gotta get the big grill you got to put the ribs on you got to have your own special secret thing that's not even really that secret you gotta be like a dry rub yes my man you got that from the local store we all got

access to that it's a costco blend but i also threw miss dash exactly is that how you lost your virginity talk about your dad's sauce like how did that happen let's reel that back in okay yeah yeah okay me losing my virginity story was this girl so my best friend growing up had a uh had a girlfriend and she had a twin sister and so i lost my virginity to this girl and so like over the course like over the course of like two years we used to like kick it for a little bit and then she would ghost me she did it like multiple times you guys were the same age yeah yeah we're in the same grade but she went to like it was like three high schools in the area she went to one of the other ones and she would ghost you and you would just see her like randomly

at the park uh yeah we just like bump into each other she just act like nothing happened and it was like i love that it was like my it's like my best friend's girlfriend's sister so it's like oh that's hot that's like so many degrees of separation yeah so we like be at the same stuff a lot yeah yeah yeah that's a modern woman right there yeah she would ghost me and then just pretend like nothing happened she's an actress i love this girl she had uh this girl she had like a full-time job even though we're in high school wait what yeah she like she she was trying to make it out she she got she had the eve paw print tattoos no did her twin sister have the same tattoos no no she was a good sister the one that he fucked blew his back out yeah i fucked

I fucked the bad news sister yes that's what we like I love that the other one had like a scholarship she like went to school she was like playing sports

and all that I was with the fuck up sister that's not who you want to lose your virginity to that's true yeah no cause she gonna be judging the technique

that's not the move you want somebody with a paw print who can make herself come okay you don't even really need to beat it I wasn't ready

she was just like close your eyes he said I wasn't ready I wasn't ready bro she had been in the game for a minute she'd been in the game for a good little minute

like my best friends It's like my homies, they lost to Virginia when they were like 14, 15. So I was way behind the pack, and she was leading the chart. She was leading the chart. She taught your friends. Yeah, she was out in the front of the... I love her. We love her.

What's her name? Megan? No, I'm not going to... He said, you're not about to get me stabbed. He said, she'll fly up here. People from my hometown are going to listen to this. They know. Well, we love her.

We love that she ghosted you. That's a modern woman. Hashtag goals. but then when it happened okay with how i actually lost it she had ghosted me a couple times then she was like my girlfriend for like a cool little minute for like two months okay yummy which is like a long time in high school yes my girlfriend and then she she did she ghosted again we was like full-on we had like done a little valentine's day date thing and like everything what did y'all do for valentine's day we went to like a little italian spot yeah a little olive garden exactly

exactly a little local italian spot yeah yeah we cruised over there we like i like watched a movie Like her dad's apartment Her dad's apartment Yeah cause you know She had an apartment in Austin You know her parents was divorced Yeah I was like An apartment in Austin

That sounds real sad Well remember Zach Teague did our podcast And he was the divorce expert His dad had an apartment In Texas also Ah that's right Cause he was going

Through a divorce They got apartments in Texas Yeah but when I When I think of Texas I think about getting a home I think of homes Right on a ranch Yeah like when I was

When I was growing up I thought like I remember when I was little Like I found out This girl I was in school with Like lived in an apartment I was like oh y'all struggling in new york if you have an apartment that's normal everybody got an apartment right that's

this how we live but i think when i think the suburbs and other places in the in the country i think you should have a house with a yard and a mailbox that you got to walk to and yeah that's pretty much yeah that was pretty that's pretty much what everybody got you got an apartment y'all struggling y'all doing bad and they worked i was right yeah we're laughing at poor people hilarious back i mean i feel like that's a big part of the podcast yeah i mean we that's what we do here okay so just like okay so it happened at the apartment so then no no we we had done like a valentine's day day thing whatever whatever uh my birthday is the day before valentine's day so then like gross isn't like yeah i know it's a lot i would give you a two for one for sure i

wouldn't uh it happens all the time and i'm cool with i don't care about valentine's day like that just give me you know give me something for my birthday anyway he said give him some pussy yeah shaped in a heart-shaped box we good we good you get it i get it uh and then she goes to me we was like together a couple weeks after valentine's day she just disappeared like she just stopped responding my texts calls whatever she's busy working she has seven jobs and you were calling her before nine then i seen on me before the hours kicked in before them before them three minutes exactly uh and then i seen on myspace she was dating this other dude named tremaine that i went to high school with well tremaine sound like he might be cooler than you yeah i would leave you

for Tremaine he had braids nah he was he was short too he had a necktie too nah he he like a military dude now but he was like

he was like short he was like 5'6 you know he was like a little dude but he was cool I'm cooler you know today today

you know like modern day but like as an 18 year old like he he had he was cooler he had a car I mean I guess you gotta have a car when you live in Texas

nah people figure it out he didn't have a car you hear him yes I did I had a car I mean it was a bucket but we were moving around it was a bucket

it was a saturn it was a 1993 you're giving me bike energy so sorry you can't have yo you are giving bike energy the fuck like messenger i've been had you i got a car now 16 okay it was a bucket it was i was i was doing good y'all should have seen my life i was thriving at austin okay yeah he's like i didn't live in no apartment bro i was i didn't know i was looking at i was anyway it's fine you don't have to prove anything anyway yeah so then she goes to me i found out she was with tremaine on myspace he was on her topic yeah yeah i seen that she like posted a picture how did you used to post pictures on my i think it was a wall like yeah it was a wall i don't know where oh no you had albums oh maybe that's yeah yeah yeah okay oh my god remember myspace i saw that

and then like and then like a like a month or two later she like popped back up in the picture because she used to always just text me and be like hey what's up stranger like like she ain't never ghost me yeah like a like a grown-ass man she did like she was in high school acting like a grown-ass man hey shorty what's going on you look good and um and so then you were like yes yes i'm around i mean basically i was like okay i'm gonna get you know this is gonna go well for me so basically i was like okay like we gonna hook up and then we hooked up and then i ghosted her after that oh that's my virginity story for you yeah but how was it for you i mean it was it was you know it was bad yeah i'm sure if you asked her it was it was you came fast uh no for real

i like did because i was like looking at the that was like a big thing when you 18 you're like okay i'm gonna make this stretch and you like you're 12 minutes i'm i feel like it was like a cool 20 what on your first go around it's like i was well it took him 10 minutes to get it in yeah and then another 10 minutes yeah we was we was fumbling we was fumbling around but i was like i was like watching you know she sucked it right shut up she knew what she was doing Devin Devin that girl

that girl got a baby two SoundCloud rappers now she is a baby oh no he's a MySpace rapper ah well MySpace is back apparently Justin Timberlake bought it back

no way something weird I'll get back on there yeah Timberlake he like bought it he like put money yeah yeah yeah that's true

let's get back on MySpace guys listening we're doing it let's all get on it's a movement let's live on right now we all gonna make a MySpace page

I'm here for it make sure you add us to your top 8 did you ever delete y'all is y'all still around absolutely it's deactivated it's gone

I had too many like hooker whore photos up there Hooker whore photos Just me in a little t-shirt No bra on Me in my panties In front of a fireplace Swinging the weave over the Yes

Somebody looked at them and they're like Have you googled yourself They were popping up when you googled yourself Oh shit I had like a rope I had a rope in my mouth I've seen those photos I wish y'all could have seen Andrew's face.

Andrew's like, a rope? Yeah, a rope, sis. He was like, sis, come on, you black, you better than this. A rope? I had a rope in my mouth. Oh, no, it was a whip. I had a whip in my mouth. Okay, that's a different vibe.

No, it's still terrible. I don't even know where to find a rope. Hardware store. Or a Michael's, maybe? Okay, I see Bob Marie. She got hardware facts now. Okay. I see you

Tim the tool man Taylor over here okay you see me home improving okay so you lost your virginity at 18

okay now talk to us about hoe faces right so like I'm kind of going through my thing now

but I'm going through it because I've never gone through a hoe face before this is my first one

I didn't go through a hoe face in college I didn't kiss no girls so now exactly so he's like

yeah but you're so bald now but you look like lean away shut up Devin um so I'm just doing it because I can and I I started and I like it and I think it's great to be like get out of my house or go to their house and eat their food and then be like call me a car they call you a car yeah sometimes it's Marie why would they not call her a car she would like bully them into getting a car you guys get my damn car that's true a man is in therapy right now because of you yeah probably oh you getting people cars home

No, Devin is not If I like you I don't believe it I feel like you've maybe gotten a car But I don't think you out here getting cars Your eyes are so brown Like they're so brown that you can almost have light eyes You're definitely not getting them a car

Brown eyed girl If I had the dark ones Oh I'm just so thankful you're here And then you would get a car Yeah you got the junior Michael Ealy Yes he does gas him up baby gas him up

wait wait wait but I have to say Ealy E-A-L-Y because people keep typing E and then Lee and then they're like

Marie that person is hideous okay so y'all been referencing Michael Ealy we've referenced him before yes Michael Ealy that's the dude in Barbershop yeah

you know who Michael Ealy is yeah I do Michael Ealy oh yeah and I've named seven movies yeah yeah yeah is that Michael Ealy the one that was in the movie

with Kerry Washington when the yeah that so you're not getting cars how do you meet women you dating them on apps you meeting them in real life uh most you slide into people's shows i'm not really i'm not really i'm not in the dms but you know what since i moved since i moved here the girls in the dms has been like it's really like escalated ladies that's what is that why

it's not no dudes in my dms i gotta slide into their dms i don't really oh i'm not doing that because again yeah i'm i'm not really trying to be out here like that you're a liar but you out here though i did it you're fucking out here i did it already that's what i'm saying here's okay so let's get into it so let's get into it so my most recent hoe phase was like in the last year beginning of this year okay so you were doing it during the winter time you know how hard it is to hoe when it's fucking no it's nothing season he's in and out yeah i feel like that's the easiest time to do it really yeah he see you once every two weeks but then he got a couple people in the rotation she gets okay but it's cool i'm trying to get my schedule

together you know i gotta get a whole daily planner yeah an agenda book uh-huh one of those big ass uh desk calendars and i could just write tremaine on thursday anyway so some winter time yeah how are you meeting these people the one that you just the phase that you just completed uh it was a combination of like shows like girls i meet at parties and stuff like that and i'll be going to and i was also like like fresh out like i was i was dating somebody like when I moved here and then we split. Which you fucked up

with that. Long distance? Nah, she moved here. For you? No, no, no, no. She was going to move here regardless. That's what she told you.

She was going to. She was. That's what she said. Did she move back after y'all broke up? Uh-uh. She's still out here. Oh, okay.

She's still doing it. Maybe she's trying to get her money together to get back to Texas. She's not moving back to Texas. She likes it up here. She always wanted to move to New York.

Oh, okay. But anyway, basically got out of that and I was like, all right, i'm trying to get active because i was because i did i'm trying to get active i'm trying to make some moves baby you know okay uh because she was stifling you a little bit you couldn't get just i was you know we were together for like two years ah that's not even long that's a long time

three years okay what yeah what phase in your life was this right before the five years that i didn't have a man before you started comedy uh like right right when i yeah and then comedy broke y'all up no you know i broke us up honestly because i'm terrible but you know that's my brand and then he and then she made friends with a very mean person so that that helped as well here we are but you're you're the sweet one though like you i'm not i'm not saying you're not mean but i'm saying like you're saying of the two of us she's slightly sweeter yeah yeah i'm saying comparatively because he's calling us sour patch kids first they're sweet and then they're sour yeah but it's mainly you've never been sweet to me i don't think what are you talking about

talk about it Cindy been sweet I'm not saying you've been mean but you know she's acting like she sees past you wait wait wait

sweet is the wrong she sees past you you know you can't be guessing these 6'3 230 niggas up wait so you really can

wait so that's something I really want to promote on a podcast if you want to gas a 6'3 nigga up it's perfectly okay don't do it

it's perfectly okay it's not right but I've never been I'll gas you up never Andrew said get in his jeans he said

I'll gas you up whenever It's a regular unladen diesel. He said, I got you, baby. The corduroy jacket's cute. I love it. Is the corduroy jacket cute or is the face cute, Andrew? What are we talking about?

Have you been to Shell before? Shell gas station? Have you been to it? What is that? Shell gas station. Oh, mm-hmm. Hey. BB.

Hey. BB, BB. Oil leak. There's an oil leak. OK. Andrew said, it's a leak in his pants. He said, what you going to do about it? The ducts is covered in oil.

The little dogs are covered in jizz, baby. Clean up on aisle seven. Aisle seven is Andrew's trousers. I listened to the Jay Jordan episode. Y'all are doing him. I was like, y'all leave Andrew alone. Well, because Andrew was looking at Jay like a snail. And Jay was reciprocating.

Yeah, that's true. Jay was flirting. But Jay, he's a professional flirt. And I'd be seeing him pictures. I was like, Jay is like a real thot. Yeah, that's why he was Hot Boy Samba. He does what he does when he does it. He does what he does.

My boy cut up. the D'Angelo dick via. I know. If your body was like that, you would be having, you would have no shirt on. I'd be disgraceful. If I had a body like that,

I would be a disgraceful human being. I would not be a good person. I'd have multiple baby mamas. That's why Devin has the Port Royce jeans jacket on. Multiple baby mamas. Omar, if I was, Devin, you could get like that.

You know, you could just go to the gym. You hear Marie talking? She don't say that to everybody. Talk your shit, sis. Baby. Get the man you want by bringing him down. I'm trying to elevate you.

Nigga, you can make it happen. You gotta do a couple of crunches. A little bit. I mean, maybe like 300 a day, but like it's possible. 300 a day. We lift you up. And bring you down.

And bring you down. I'm just trying to help you be a hotter hoe. Yeah, it's... What kind of women are you dating? Here's the thing. I knew this question was coming. And you were not prepared for it?

No, no, no. I'm very prepared for it. But before I answer that question, he's going to say something that's not problematic so that he can win on all fronts. Well, let him say what he says and then we'll see if I'm not even I'm not before I address me before I address me in my dating. I want to I want to. I asked about Marie two times. Right. This is something that I acknowledge. The other is your type. Great. Somebody that's not in your reach. OK, good. Got it. OK, well, since you got to reach for the stars, you know, verify I'm a star. okay so we bring him we bring me up and we tear me down that's what we're doing out here

we're only mean to the people we really like sure honestly if we're not mean to you we don't really like you that much yeah it's true really facts andrew oh yeah it's absolutely yeah i can see it okay i asked about marie twice one was the time right then yeah one was the time i asked another homie and i was like i was like hey what's what's marie faustin's deal like what's her like what's her situation and he was like he was like bro i bumped into marie in la and she had a dude with her and i was like okay it was like a like like what was his situation she was he was like it was some white dude he looked lame as fuck and he was like a cartoonist or something like that i'm leaving all of my clothes on okay who are we talking about who's who is this man yeah i don't

I don't know who that man was. Well, I don't know who that man was. Somebody that was feeding me. Marie, you were the cartoonist. Wait, was it the nigga you went to a date with and then you had him drive you to the show and then he stayed? I bet you that was him.

Wait, who did I have take me to a show? Somebody you had a date with and you were like, oh, can I have the show? Oh, it might have been my old roommate. He's basically a cartoon character. He was tall? I mean, I haven't seen this man in person. This is secondhand.

It might have been my old roommate. It's a secondhand account. Yeah, it could be. Because you've met him. Yeah. You were living in LA? I lived in LA for two years. This might have been that.

No, this was when you were there for a month. I stayed with my roommate, my old roommate. Okay, yeah. So it was him. It was him. Because I was like, is this a new development that Marie didn't fucking tell me? No, because the dude that I was banging in LA was a black dude. Ah.

Okay. Gorgeous. What about like a one, like a single date? You know, just like a one. No. When I was in LA, I did go on some dates when I was out there because, you know, sis was hungry. and you did say that somebody came to a show

they took you to a date and then they ended up driving you there and stayed at a show oh yeah some dude that I went on a date with and then I asked for a ride to my show and he stayed at the show he didn't want to leave did he match his description no I think cartoon means my old roommate

I'm telling y'all why are you looking at me I was not there who was the person that you were talking to that said that they saw me cause then maybe it'll refresh my memory And why are you bringing this up? Why are you trying to drag Marines? Because y'all was trying to drag me first.

Because I see what y'all been doing. I listened to the Zach Fox episode. I see how y'all did them. Yeah, but Zach is a professional. Yeah, he is. I seen how y'all did Fat Tony. Hey. We brought the heat with Tony.

And he was like, you got these ugly ass Birkenstocks on? How dare you talk to us? And I love me some Fat Tony. We love Tony. Fat Tony is like a... He's famous? He's like a Texas legend. yeah he has fat tony day like it's like if you if you're like creative if you like do creative

stuff especially if you black and creative like you know somebody who knows fat who's like homies with fat tony yes yes yes don't deflect what we're talking about you wait wait wait wait so but you were talking about me uh-huh because i was because i was because i see what y'all i see what y'all try to do i see what y'all try to do you can't hurt i see what y'all try to do these young black men who coming on the show shut up i see when you when it's a when it's a straight black dude i see what y'all try to do y'all try to be like oh so so who you seeing and then every answer is the wrong so the answer that you the long answer the short answer what you're trying to say is you date white women you see me with one girl who oh yeah at the karaoke at karaoke

for amina's birthday i'm sorry she was black yeah but that doesn't say anything who are these people you did that on purpose you were like i know i'm gonna be at karaoke you probably met somebody at dallas bbqs you were like hey what you doing after this he's like you want to do karaoke with some black girls that I know. Some loud, mean girls. This mean girl

that dates cartoon characters. You look like Morrison and Minka. Marie pulled up with a Garfield look. Yes, yes, yes. I love it. John from Garfield.

But yeah, I mean, what's, yeah, of course, I mean, have I done that? Tell us what your type is.

That's all we want to know. I don't know. I like, I like, I like mostly girls who are like creative feels. Like I like, I'm throwing stuff off the table

because you're not answering what does she look like who is she playing a movie she could look like anything you just want somebody alive that's stupid no no no that's like okay so you have like a specific like you have like a type

like a type that you're interested in you know and like you she don't have a type and I feel kind of the same way it's like I see what he's doing there He's like, I'm trying to be relatable, Marie. Okay, but not everybody just has a type that they fuck with. This is true.

Certain people like, you like certain things about people, but I don't really have a type. I can say I have like- I know that I don't like people who are fat. I'm not attracted to big guys. Damn, Marie. That's hurtful. That's problematic. Yeah, that's hurtful.

Actually. And I don't stand by any of the things that Marie just said. I like people, I take care of my body. I work. I want you to also be somebody who gets into the gym at least four times a week. Reggie Conquest goes to the gym every week well some people don't really do nothing when they go to the gym you know some people go to Planet Fitness and get pizza

on Thursdays you know like we're not doing the same thing at the gym I'm doing my cardio I'm doing my legs Reggie I see the work that you're doing I'm proud of you yeah Reggie I appreciate you fam I appreciate what you're doing in the gym Reggie we appreciate your chubby ass but that's not what we're talking about I don't date fluffy dudes that's not my type never

no not one not one maxo cream in your life sure but not no more I'm a grown up now okay If your body is squishy I don't want you to get on top of me I feel like Devin is squishy Let me touch your love hands No don't touch me

Let me touch your side No stop Quit You like the You like the little pills Do they still make those commercials Listen watch next January This nigga gonna be so ripped

He gonna look like Michael B. Jordan He gonna look like Michael B. Jordan in Black Panther i'm telling y'all bro let me come see me when you look like creed no are we gonna shake on that i mean we talk about that impossible nigga like it's not impossible but it's like it's how many niggas you know look like that three yeah yeah i mean don't know nobody look like that they don't they don't hang out they're not comedians no no comedians look like that absolutely except for jay i mean jay but it's and he not like creed was like did y'all watch a movie yeah anyway i feel like we talk about types

yes you haven't answered the question you haven't answered a question you haven't told me about your history i want to know more about you babe that's it here's here's what i'll say babe babe i feel like i got like different types of like different different types of types different types of So you're like an Urban Outfitters white woman. Then you go to Trader Joe's. You get another white woman like that. Then you'll be at Wet Seal and Delia. You're like a Delia's white woman.

You're like a J.Crew white woman. See how y'all trying to put me out? But a Banana Republic black. See how y'all trying to put me out? Club Monaco, sis. That's how he likes his Hispanic women. Yes, his Latin. Okay, go ahead.

Tell us. So wait, when did you know that you were like, I got to... Yeah, tell me about it. Tell me what you want. Wait, hold on, Devin. Tell me what you want from me. When did you realize you were like, okay, I got to hang up my hoe cloak and do the right thing?

Because you really haven't told us when you were hoeing or how you were hoeing. Did you give anybody an STD? Did somebody get pregnant? Stuff like that. You're going half on the plan B or you're paying the whole $48? Have you ever gotten plan B? Of course. Okay.

Good, good, good. Because if you've never done that, then I couldn't classify you as a hoe. You're not really a hoe if you ain't never picked up plan B. If you have not had a pregnancy scare ever, you're a good guy. Yeah. And that's nasty. No, no, no, no. That's nasty.

Yeah. Good guys are gross. If you're a good guy. Shame on you. For wearing a condom or pulling out in time. Yeah, you ain't pulling out. Yeah. What's wrong with you?

Hilarious. Let's see. My whole theory. I got one. I got one STD story. Ooh. Tell us. I know that's what y'all want from me.

You also didn't tell us what your type was, but we'll get back to that. Because I tried to tell y'all what my type was. And y'all are like, oh, Urban Outfitters, white. Oh, J.Crew, white. Ralph Warren polo, white. Look, you see this? I'm sealing my lips. I'm zipping them shut.

And I threw away the key. Do you want to hear the STD story? Yes, STD. OK. I don't care about the test. Anyway, STD story is a girl that I used to have a crush on at high school. I thought she was real cool. Those be the nastiest ones?

The ones that you've had a crush on for years and years? Mm-hmm. That's where I mean y'all. Don't you do that. Don't blame it on her. You had the STD. He was a virgin. It doesn't matter.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Can I tell the story? Yes. Okay. Yes, indeed. I know, Andrew Dale. Yes, indeed. Yeah, I did.

I can't even. Anyway, it was a girl I went to high school with. I had a big crush on her. Yes. But we was always like, she always had a boyfriend. She always had a boyfriend, and then she would not have a boyfriend, and then I'd have a girlfriend. It was always like that, back and forth, back and forth.

Yeah, you're hot, then you're cold. You're yes, then you're no. Yes. Is he ever going to get to the story? Shut up, Andrew. You're interrupting. I like now that y'all gave Andrew the mic cause Andrew didn't use to have a mic

oh god don't tell him that don't tell him that he's so happy about it no I like it he turn around he's like oh my god I feel seen and Andrew's like like a cop cop and so then cut to

we go to like we both single we both single as far as I know and we we go to a show together we go like we go see the movie doesn't matter no no no

we went to go see it's a play no no no we went to see Harry Potter and the Wizarding we went to go see Childish Gambino

oh that's a good one so we go we go to Childish we go to Childish show y'all both weren't wearing deodorant it was a good show

it was a good show this is also like this is like 2014 so this is like before he like really really okay so this is when he was doing that

he was doing like the lame shit yeah yeah yeah relatable yeah yeah yeah um and so we we go to the show after the show we like pretty drunk we we hook up and then you know i'm i'm happy i'm like okay you know i feel when you finally yeah you know you finally get somebody that like you've been you know you know the hook up was good yeah uh i mean i was too honestly i was too drunk i really don't that means it's terrible i mean i don't think i'm not i'm not claiming no no badge you know i know when i lay

you know you you know when you lay off the good dick you know you know when you drop off the good do you though do you know do men know when they drop off good dick i won't say ever i'm sure some men are delusional about it but it's like i don't i feel like i have a good idea and i know i know when i drop the ball you know you know you know when you just not really you just don't really bring it like that you know sometimes i deserve to get ghosted if i drop off a c plus dick you know then i you don't have to talk to me again you heard it here first you did that's c plus dick yeah that means you can ghost him you can go yeah you don't have to ever talk to me anyway so on a record uh yeah go ahead it's for anybody who's listening and yeah so we so we hook

up a couple days go by i'm at my job this is like my first job i got out of college i'm at my job get a text from her she was like hey are you free and you're like oh she's ready right now she's wet right now i haven't even had my coffee yet she was like are you free right now and i was like yeah what's up she was like i'm gonna call you so she calls me i step out into the stair like the little stairwell of my job she was like hey um i gotta tell you something she was like so my boyfriend just told me that he has chlamydia oh my gosh but if you're gonna get an std chlamydia is a good one you're right that's the it's yeah it's the best it's the best it's the best of all it's the best of the worst yeah but

you were the side of fries so like but the thing about like it's one thing it's one thing it's one thing if you decide it's the one it's the one thing if you decide again you know you decide nigga i i thought she was single oh you know like as far as far as i knew like she had told me like they broke up they had broke up like i don't maybe like a month ago and then i guess they got back together or maybe they was just like still fucking i don't know what the situation was but so you were the sweet potato fries i guess so i guess so and so the sweet potato fries so then you do what you drop everything while you're at work you threw the files in the air you were like i gotta go i didn't tell i told i told my homegirl like this girl i worked with i was like i told her

whole story she laughed she laughed a lot uh she left because she also had a clap it's not that bad exactly exactly i've never had the clap but she who laughs last last do you take the shot or is that they give you a little juice it was okay so we all so we all been there no okay i don't know what you're talking about what std did you have because you had some i had trichinomus or something that sound worse than chlamydia i've never even heard of that one that's on the secret I was having sex with an Otis somebody real old

you know that was a slave that's the I think Harriet Tubman had sex that's pretty much who's fucking

a Jethro since you got the black you got black plague penis who's fucking a man with a shack-a-lon yes yes

oh wow thank you thank you so much I appreciate your support give us a spree during this hard time trichonomous I really never

heard of that in my life yeah they made you drink something or was that a pill or a shot I had to take antibiotics my your cooch does not smell good your stomach is in pain it's a parasite you have a parasite inside so you're basically pregnant now yes you called kids parasites yes i did i mean

i stand by that i mean there's something to it okay yeah absolutely okay because you said worst things this episode yeah me what you said about fat men yeah that was what you said about all my fat men and women out there i'll support you yeah i'll support you marie i don't want to have sex with somebody who's bigger than me all my big women i'll support you i'll support a big woman okay wow did we talk about being a hoe at all i don't know devon uh what do you i mean i feel like one std sorry one s that was yeah andrew how many have you had andrew's a hoe how many you've got Andrew had to think about it

take your time now I got tested today baby I got tested today you don't find out immediately which STDs have you had that you can remember you're going to lose dick off this Andrew they like how honest he is don't do that

so I haven't tested positive for chlamydia or gonorrhea ever but it's the guys that will text you after the fact and be like hey i am you know showing the symptoms for okay well yes but tell us what you've had yeah okay this was like truly like uh i had crabs one that was wow that's throwback andrew how old are you you gotta be 35 that's like a 1976 the crabs have phased out my friend was on when crabs You should get Crabs with a Quaalude.

Bill Cosby gave you Crabs. Bill Cosby is the father of Crabs. Got it. Andrew, Crabs, what else? Okay, so HPV. Everyone has HPV. However, the symptoms for HPV differs for every person.

And so in some cases, it will show up as warts and so I needed to get them surgically removed out of my butthole oh my god Andrew you're gonna lose dick off of this yes absolutely I don't care

I don't want listener dick oh you're proud dirty bitch I love I don't want listener dick old trash ass listener dick dropping off that C plus Instagram dick I was shitting blood for a this is real how did Andrew like upstage

you on this fucking pod. That don't mean he was more of a ho to you. No, because you're the reformed ho. Andrew's still being a ho. He's still bleeding poop. Bleeding poop? Devin, can you tell me how you're reformed? Can you just at least give me some tidbits on that? So, okay. What ended

up happening, how much time we got? We ain't got no time. We have no time. Let's say 10 minutes. Yeah. Because I should have left now. Yeah, honestly. Marie, you're going to be late to all your shows. Yeah, I'm going to be late to everything. Anyway. Two. She's booked. What ended up happening was I was I was I was really I was out here moving around.

I was I was being extra messy. You know, I was sleeping with co-workers, girl that lived in my building. Wow. You can't do that. That's too close. I'm saying I was really like, you know, like like friends of friends. So how did you the girl in your building? How did that start?

You guys shared an elevator ride and made eye contact? Nah, we like knew each other already. Yeah, we had we had met before. We were at the same we were at the same party. she listened to the pod i see the way you're acting you're like oh you don't know y'all popular bro i don't know who you're cracking your knuckles i don't know who listened to this pod everybody y'all wanna hear the story that really convinced me to stop being a hoe yes all right so it was this was yeah it was like the homie's friend it was like the homie's friend we all

bumping actually oh yes you've you got a tiptoe around this careful but also again if there's just give us the cliff notes of this yeah long story short we would at one point we were all in like a group chat we're on we're on a group chat together and then we were all talking like having a good time she texts me outside the group chat oh and it's like she's like hey she's like hey what's up she's like how come we're all talking about it was like a season of queer eye come out she was like oh why why are we not watching a new queer eye like together right now if we all just texting about it but she texts you that alone outside the group chat we was on a group chat Look at the queer I do and so much for the straight community.

I mean, truly. Appreciate y'all boys for giving back. You know, Karamo, holla at me. Karamo's from Texas. Tam France, holla at me. Okay. Not Anthony. I don't fuck with him.

Okay. You're not here for the guac with the thing, is it? Exactly. Exactly. So first he walk in there, he'd be like, oh, so you're eating Cheez Whiz? Hello. Get to the story. All the time.

That's so rude. He live in rural Georgia. Of course he eating Cheez Whiz. Yo. Devin, tell us the story so I can leave. i'm trying to get these bits off anyway it's clear anyway uh she texted me outside the group chat i was like not really feeling it at first because it's like the homie's friend and then one night i like had a show i had a show that i thought was gonna be trash and then it ended up

being real good because she was there no no she wasn't there but i was riding off that high i was riding off of that that feeling and i was like i was like you know i'm gonna text this girl i'm gonna see what's up end up texting her we go out one day we hook up and in whose house because y'all live in the same building uh no no this is not the neighbor girl this is this is a girl whole period we you know we all over the place we're moving we're moving around uh we go out for a drink she's saying some red flag stuff you know she's saying some stuff that i'm like like this don't seem right she's just talking she's talking a lot like in a very angry way about how these old like these past dudes that like wronged her okay you know which is like on the first day so

she was ready to give you a diary of a mad black woman yeah yeah she really she come with a lot of anger frustration yeah we we and i against my better judgment we hook up and then i see that she leaves she leaves her earrings right she did a whole she did an earrings thing i mean i be leaving my necklace at dudes houses but that's because i don't like wearing it when i have exactly i feel hers this felt this felt very intentional as soon as i saw it she she right why would she take her earrings off were they big no they were like little studs yeah they're like they're like some little starter earrings they're like little hoops some clairs yeah they're from zara the nerd costume jewelry silver plated got it anyway that happens i see that and i'm already

like feeling hesitant she sends me a text the next day talking about like i gotta get these earrings back i got these are my favorite earrings i wear them every day i gotta get them back and i'm trying to play it off because i realized what's happening i'm like okay you know we'll meet up we'll meet up later you know see each other you know whatever she said no i gotta come to your house now basically and i was like nah she was like oh then like why don't you come over my spot i'm like i'm in williamsburg and i was like well i'm gonna be over there tomorrow i'll drop them off but i can't hang out and get out or not said that already you said why would you tell her that i would have just dropped them off and then okay i gotta go right anyway you saved the

can't hang out for when you for when i get there okay because you're giving her because she's like well why would he say that yeah like what like yeah anyway so yeah so i because i'm trying to you know i'm trying to like create that separation i'm like oh no that's not what you're doing with somebody who's giving you red flags why would you do that exactly and i learned my lesson here's what happened she she goes she goes that's that's too bad because us it just came out and she was like oh it's too bad you can't kick it because i just bought two tickets to us and it like it was like the opening weekend she was like and she was like and i was hoping you like it can't be a comedian because they ain't got money for two tickets on opening weekend i told you i've not

had sex with one comedian in the city i was just making sure but double checking the math making sure the figures were all correct but some of these comedians you know these comedians low-key you got money out here some of them do exactly but not us not the ones that you gonna fuck um anyone he said you don't even know what his type is so what you talking about you you hear it we know what your type is uh y'all better quit playing me i'm just anyway yo he about to throw his dick on the table he's like you're gonna keep talking his shit and i'm gonna hit you with my my fluffy dick on the table yeah he said i'm gonna hit you with It's this Austin, Austin Powers.

This Austin Jetsons. Boo. Boo. That fell flat. Like your story. Okay, there we go. Look, she, okay. Can you finish it?

I do gotta go. Okay, look. So she told me that. That's too bad. And I wanted to see the movie, so I was like, all right, we could go see. Aw, you're a fuck boy. I was like, we could go see Us. But then I was like, as soon as a movie get out, I gotta really go.

Why would you tell her that? You're saying this in text. No, no, no. Look, look, look. In text I didn't No no no I'm not saying this in text

I'm like okay bet We can go see the movie I need to give you these earrings I want to see the movie Anyway I sent her the Venmo For the ticket though I sent her the Venmo

You paid for the ticket I paid for the ticket That way it's like I'm not on the hook For you know For 18 dollars Exactly He said the ticket

I paid for my ticket He said the ticket Nah we not on a date You would have been off the hook If you bought both Nah Nah you would have been A dumb ass dude

If you bought both Yeah you get it The fact that you Venmo I would have been like I'll Venmo you when I get there then I wouldn't have said no money no dick and no money cause it's like I didn't want her to be able to say like oh like

he'd pay me for these tickets she's gonna say it anyway exactly well yeah okay so I know her anyway that's her type what ends up happening is like after the movie ends she's like I'm walking her back cause it's late we went to go see a late movie I'll take her back you said I can't hang out and then you spent all evening with her no

us in like a two hour movie exactly but we didn't do nothing before we just met at the movie and then just went that don't matter y'all gonna let me finish the story y'all gonna let me finish the story y'all keep being like oh Devin finish the story cause you told her you couldn't hang out

and then you hung out we went to a movie hanging out she gonna talk trash about you regardless of how this story ends how does it end I go back to her apartment she's like hey you wanna come up

and I was like nah I kinda think we in different places I like break that down break that down she starts sobbing like just like sobbing big big crying well go ahead and put your dick on the table so we can see why she cried anyway is it was she starts big crying i'm basically i'm apologizing i'm being like hey like you know we are we on different pages i went on one two dates i'm also i'm also saying that i'm also basically only one she goes she's like she's like all right fuck you she goes upstairs i call the car car while i'm waiting for the car it's like six minutes away she comes back

downstairs she's like and another thing hits me with like extra extra extra all kind of shit then hits me with a big text on my way back and then like probably like two weeks later she hits me with a text like nothing happened she hit me with the text talking about like oh like what are you up to tonight or something like that at like at like 11 at like 11 p.m on like a monday that's that's how you got out the whole game bro that was you was ready to get out that's exactly you were tired you wanted to hang your whole car exactly you were exhausted exactly and i've already been messy and like ended up in some like kind of messy situation so which you didn't talk about on the pod we didn't have time y'all we had time dude we had time you skated around this shit

y'all the interviewers y'all supposed to direct it no you bought up zack tony you bought up michael ely and barbershop you talked about all the black men we've had on the podcast in the last year Devin you talked about me and a cartoon character I feel like bring me back bring me back we can continue I'll tell you all the rest of the stories Andrew can I come back of course oh don't you try to do a part two nigga we don't do that

we don't do those this is your story now let me come back for the Patreon episode let me come back for the Patreon let me get the bonus feature real quick we can make that happen I got more stories I feel like I got more we can get that on the Patreon

on yeah we can get some stories on the bed and you could be as messy as you want to be on that yeah because only people pay and then i really let people yeah then then i then i really put it out devon i'm devon i see what you talk to a publicist you're like so how do i milk this uh why would i tell them all my business like leave them leave them on a cliffhanger on this one yeah that's honestly one std devon you literally just came here to flirt that's all you did you came you came to tell me that you asked about me twice is it working

lift your shirt up not when you ask that lift your shirt up roll it back we want to see what you're working with I can't do it I can't do it

I can't do it for the part alright well you did you did some you did lay down some cute stuff tonight thank you today or whatever

sounds like Sydney wants to no if I was straight and I was going through a relapse i too would try to kiss you if i was having the most difficult time who'd you try to take your corduroy jacket off and be like with her teeth i would be like lift

up that trunk if you were if you were in a moment of crisis if you're having a relapse who would you try to kiss first me or your doye oh i thought you were gonna say me or marie i'm gonna say obviously But yes him or Yedoya My hair is moisturized Yedoya has more money than you That's true He would pay for a cap for me to get back to wherever I need to go

I could pay for a cap if you asked me to pay for a cap I would Why I gotta ask I just kissed you that should be enough Just a kiss You want a cap after a kiss You gonna be grabbing his dick while you kiss him I'm going to throw you up against some gates Some gates?

I'm going to lick your face What city is this in? We're getting these gates, these ropes We've been robbed Bushwick got gates We in Minnesota? We got gates I'm going to throw you into a cornfield

Set the scene friend Come on Okay, you know what? I really would love to stay here for another 20 minutes no you can't I gotta go do

these terrible comedy shows yeah we'll get y'all on a Patreon episode I'll be back damn it please tell everybody your social media please where they can find you

where they can find you I'm on Twitter and Instagram y'all follow the boy on Instagram at Internet Devin on both Instagram and Twitter

and y'all look out I'm gonna tape a set for Comedy Central soon y'all go check that out yes we're excited about this that's fantastic I'm proud of you

you gonna use that money to get a trainer yeah nah you know you know how they pay you know don't you talk about my job like that

they pay me quite well all the money goes to Sydney yeah she's like let them eat cake yes and you have a monthly show at the Jane Hotel

at the Jane Hotel yeah the next one is September 7th we don't do dates here but just say is it on a Monday yes it's on a Monday

y'all follow me or Alex English or Gary don't follow Gary don't post okay don't be shouting out the whole crew I'm just saying

just say what day of the month is the show it's on Monday but the date move around you know is it the first Monday or the second Monday

no he don't it's up in the air it depends on the venue right right right oh they got you on those y'all been to the show it's a good show it's a good show

they should be giving you whatever day you want right sometimes they got events you know people be renting it out right people who have money you're right and they pay us for the show

so it's like they losing money okay well stop bragging thank you so much for being here they pay us at the knitting factory too okay well don't try that I'm taking off my headphones

guys thank you so much have a good night good day great day drink that chlamydia juice and shout out to anybody who's ever had trichinomies trichinometry

trichinometry I mean listen shut up listen if you have any host stories that you want to hit us with you know

put them in the comments send us DMs we're here for that we might send them to Devin maybe he can interview you on that I don't know make sure that you give us

reviews on iTunes as well make sure you slide in Devin's DMs also yeah send a whole bunch of palm trees underneath his last post for us The sexiest picture that he's posted, the one where he looks the sexiest. Palm trees.

Palm trees. I'm here for that. All right. All right. Bye, guys. Bye. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production.

Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.